- 3 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 11
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome America's Sweethearts, Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche.
00:17I, uh, good evening. I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
00:20And I'm Anne Heche. Merry Christmas, Man TV!
00:23Yes, and, uh, we got to start by saying we are gay.
00:25So deal with it!
00:27Yes, we are, we are, we are gay on Christmas, and, and we're, we're, we're gay, and what do we get for it?
00:33The big shaft.
00:37What, what shaft?
00:38No, not that shaft. It's just a metaphor. Just relax. I'm still gay.
00:42Oh, okay. Me, me too. Gay. Very gay.
00:47And since we came out and Hollywood snubbed us, I've only gotten six movie deals.
00:51Do you know how much money that is? It's a lousy 13 million dollars.
00:55Yeah. Just, just, just, just, just cause, cause we're gay.
00:59I mean, how far is that gonna get us? The rent alone is, what, 90,000 a month?
01:03It's like, 89, five.
01:05And then there's the New York City apartment we've got, and what, the Vermont ranch, and, oh, hello, the domestic staff.
01:11Yeah. I, you know, Christmas is supposed to be a, a, a time of, of giving, and, uh, you know, what, what do we get?
01:18Nothing. Uh, I had a TV show, but, but they, they, they took it away from me, because, because I'm gay.
01:25And I'm gay, and pretty.
01:30Well.
01:30Uh, we, we, we're fed up. Bottom line.
01:38So we're here tonight to announce that we are quitting show business.
01:41Yes.
01:42That's right. I mean, we were honest and brave, and all that Ellen got here was a book deal and an HBO special, and I got a lousy six movies.
01:50Well, I, I did do, uh, I, I, I did Mr. Wrong while, uh, uh, uh, uh, film.
01:57But, anyway, the, the, the point is, we, we, we, we quit, and, and we give up, we quit, and, and, and Merry, Christmas.
02:07Okay, and cut. Thank you. You can go now.
02:11Uh, uh, oh, we, we can go now, because we're gay, right?
02:15No, you can go, because we're done.
02:18Uh, uh, oh, no, we're not.
02:21No.
02:22No, we've just started to quit.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Yeah, oh, if, if, if you think it took us a, a, a long time to, to tell you we, we, we were gay, oh.
02:30Well, then wait till you see how long it takes us to quit.
02:32Yeah.
02:35Well.
02:38We have, we, each other.
02:39Hi.
02:39Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas.
02:40Merry Christmas.
02:45Well.
02:51We'll, we'll be right back.
02:52We're gay.
02:53Back.
02:54Hey.
03:03Come on.
03:03Yeah.
03:04Yeah.
03:05Come on.
03:06Come on.
03:06Hey.
03:07Man, you're so crazy
03:13Man, you're so crazy
03:32You brought me gone
03:37Man, you're so crazy
03:44You're not watching the TV
03:46Man
03:47Let there be light
03:56Oh, look at the pretty lights
04:02Those are beautiful, Mom
04:03Yeah
04:03Oh, no
04:05Son of a bitch
04:08This crap with the damn lights
04:11Happens every year
04:12There's got to be a better Christmas way
04:15Why can't there be a Christmas tree light
04:17That lasts a lifetime
04:18But doesn't use batteries or electricity
04:21And is really bright
04:22Well, now there
04:23It can be powered by radioactive material
04:25Well, now
04:25And be a brilliant green color
04:27Well, now there is
04:28Really? How can that be?
04:32Ow! We're under attack by robots
04:34No, ma'am, I'm from Spishak
04:37I'm here to install your new Christmas lights
04:39Say hello to Yule Blazers
04:41My eyes!
04:43They'll adjust within minutes
04:44And then you can enjoy Yule Blazers
04:46The plutonium-based Christmas light
04:48Plutonium, huh?
04:50Come on, honey
04:51It sounds elegant
04:53It is
04:54Spishak geologists harvest high-quality plutonium
04:56From the scenic New Jersey coastline
04:58The toxic raw material is then handcrafted
05:01Into festive Christmas shapes
05:02Such as circles
05:03And slightly larger circles
05:05No electricity
05:06No batteries
05:07Just pure Christmas fun
05:09This is going to be our best Christmas ever
05:12And the brightest
05:13Just look at those lights
05:15Son of a bitch
05:16I tell you then, Spishak
05:38Yule Blazers
05:39Are still going strong
05:41Ow!
05:50Honey, would you like to open your presents?
05:54Yay!
05:58That's it
05:59Look what Santa Claus brought for you
06:02Oops
06:04I think that one was your kitten
06:08How is your family enjoying Yule Blazers?
06:13It's great
06:14It's great
06:15Yule Blazers are circles of holiday fun
06:26And they're made from plutonium
06:28You'll be a satisfied Christmas gift
06:31They deserve a goodbye everlasting
06:33Yule Blazers
06:36Merry Christmas, or should I say Happy Kwanzaa?
07:05Hi, Rusty. Rusty, right?
07:07No, it's not Rusty Wright, it's Rusty Miller.
07:09I get it?
07:10Yeah, it's cute.
07:11Thanks, I just made it up.
07:15All right, I gotta go.
07:16Oh, you'll be at my party later on, right?
07:18Eight o'clock? Remember, it's co-ed.
07:20Yeah, right, I got your flyer.
07:23And then my door, and then my windshield, and the mail.
07:25Um, you know what?
07:27I'll see what I can do, but right now I'm in the middle of something, okay?
07:29Okay, but let me just say, I'm serving Zima.
07:32Come on, babe.
07:35I'm gonna finish, um, stuffing the stockings.
07:40Stuff the stockings?
07:42Stuffing the stockings?
07:43Mm-hmm.
07:43Mm-hmm.
07:44Okay, gotta go.
07:50All right, I guess I'll see you later then at my party, okay?
07:53But remember, the safest sex is abstinence.
07:55Hey, is anybody there?
08:06Shut up.
08:07Don't say anything.
08:08Who is it?
08:09It's that guy.
08:11Be quiet and he'll go away.
08:13Turn off the light.
08:15Hello, is anybody there?
08:18Guys?
08:21Guys?
08:22Guys?
08:22Guys?
08:25Guys?
08:28Guys?
08:30Guys?
08:33Guys?
08:39Guys?
08:48Merry Christmas.
08:48Merry Christmas, ma'am.
09:18Merry Christmas, ma'am.
09:20Merry Christmas, ma'am.
09:23Welcome to the sharpest image.
09:24Can I help you?
09:26Yeah.
09:26Okay, you go.
09:29Why?
09:29I can't go.
09:30I'm the salesperson.
09:31Are you looking for a gift for someone?
09:33Yeah.
09:33No.
09:34No gift.
09:35No.
09:35No?
09:36Okay.
09:37Okay.
09:38Yeah.
09:38You know, I look for help.
09:42Like I said, I'm a salesperson.
09:44So, can I help you find something?
09:46You know, this afternoon, I come in and I talk to the man.
09:51They tell me he give me a good deal for $300 cash, you know?
09:56Yeah.
09:57Okay.
09:57Do you remember his name?
10:00Yeah.
10:00Oh, great.
10:01Well.
10:02Okay.
10:03What was it?
10:04Yeah.
10:05Go ahead.
10:05Go.
10:07How about what did he look like?
10:10Okay.
10:10I have a thing.
10:11I tell you.
10:12Okay.
10:14Okay.
10:15You're going to...
10:15You want to tell me or...
10:17Yeah.
10:17Okay.
10:18Okay.
10:18You know, he look like me.
10:21And he tell...
10:21Look like you.
10:23You know, look a little like the guy, you know?
10:27What...
10:27What guy?
10:28You know, the guy in the commercial, you know?
10:32You know, the...
10:33The hey you guy.
10:36The guy, he go like this.
10:37He go, hey you.
10:39I'm sorry.
10:41I don't know what you mean, but I can help you.
10:45Oh.
10:48You're nice lady to help me.
10:50Me Linda.
10:52Yeah.
10:52Me Swan.
10:53Okay, me Swan.
10:54Great.
10:56What can I help you find?
10:57Yeah, okay.
10:58I need one thing.
11:00Okay, what thing?
11:01You know the thing that you can do?
11:03You push and all the things everybody do.
11:06Is it like a calculator or maybe a video game or...
11:13Yeah, yeah, okay.
11:14Okay.
11:16Ah, which one?
11:18Yeah, which one?
11:19Yeah.
11:19You know, the one you can push, it go do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
11:27Ma'am, this is the sharpest image.
11:29Everything pretty much goes do-do-do-do-do-do.
11:31No, no, not do-do.
11:32Do-do-do-do-go.
11:33Oh, yeah, okay, that sure explains it.
11:35Go, go, go, go, go.
11:36Oh, remote control, like a remote control car?
11:38Go.
11:39No, Linda, it do all things, you know, and it's shiny and also black, but with all the color.
11:47You don't know nothing.
11:49What?
11:49I need the other map.
11:51Help me, can't.
11:51No, no, no, no, I'll help you.
11:52I'll help you.
11:53Okay, I know exactly what you want.
11:55Just wait.
11:56Here we go.
11:56Here we go.
11:57Okay, this here is the remote control calculator.
12:00Now, you can calculate from up to 50.
12:02Oh, hey, is that it?
12:04Is that what you were looking for?
12:05Look how funny this is, Melinda.
12:07He needs a light, but he have no eyes.
12:10He cannot see.
12:12He can't see.
12:13It's funny.
12:14Funny, funny.
12:15Should we wrap it up and go, or?
12:17No.
12:18No.
12:18Not for me.
12:19I have $300 and nowhere to put it.
12:22Come on.
12:23Okay, I know where you can put it.
12:25I know where you can put it.
12:26I'll be right back.
12:26I got the perfect thing.
12:27Oh, my gosh.
12:30This lady is driving me crazy.
12:32I don't know what she wants.
12:33Really?
12:34Because, boy, I feel like I'm getting a tan.
12:36Oh.
12:37Oh.
12:38Oh.
12:39Look at this.
12:42Look how funny.
12:43You have such little tiny balls, Melinda.
12:48You have no idea.
12:49Okay, let's see.
12:51Is this it?
12:51The wallet that tells you how much money you have?
12:54Look at that.
12:54Zero.
12:55No.
12:56No.
12:56No.
12:57Okay.
12:57Well, then, how about this?
12:58This is the online shaver, huh?
13:00You've got mail.
13:01Yeah.
13:02Oh.
13:03You know, I'm trying to give you a wax.
13:06Yeah.
13:09How about this?
13:10This here is the stapler, but it's also a cell phone.
13:13You have to be real careful with this one, because, you know.
13:15Oh.
13:16Call waiting.
13:17You have to be real careful with this one, because, you know, you have to help me out here.
13:24When I come in, you tell me you have me.
13:26Yes.
13:27Yes.
13:27I want to.
13:27I want to help you.
13:29I want to help you, but I need you to help me.
13:31Oh.
13:32I know.
13:32I know.
13:32I know.
13:32I know.
13:33I know.
13:33It's the remote control attack dog!
13:35Oh! Maybe!
13:37No! No!
13:38My God! My God!
13:40No! No!
13:46No! No!
13:48One more sale and no trip's all mine.
13:51Get ready to feed my cat.
13:53That's it! Oh, that's the one!
13:55You a lifesaver cook!
13:58Oh, thank you!
14:00Let me just ring that up for you.
14:01Wait, wait, wait!
14:03That's what I showed you!
14:04That was the first thing I showed you!
14:06Yeah, so that's my sale!
14:08Yeah, go!
14:09Yeah, go!
14:10Yeah!
14:11There you go, ma'am.
14:15You snooze, you lose.
14:17What was that?
14:18Take it like a man!
14:20Yeah, you look like you take it like a man!
14:26Damn it!
14:28I was so close and I really needed that vacation too!
14:31Oh, don't cry!
14:33Look, look, the trip's for two and I don't have anyone to go with.
14:37You wanna, you wanna go with me?
14:39Really? You mean it?
14:41Well, you have to have sex with me.
14:42Well, okay.
14:43Alright.
14:45Merry Christmas!
14:46Oh, Merry Christmas!
14:48God bless us all, everyone!
14:53Oh!
14:54Oh!
14:55Oh!
14:56Oh!
14:57Oh!
14:58Oh!
14:59Oh!
15:00Oh!
15:01Oh!
15:02Oh!
15:03Oh!
15:04Oh!
15:05Oh!
15:06Oh!
15:07Oh!
15:08Oh!
15:09Oh!
15:10Oh!
15:11Oh!
15:14Oh!
15:20Oh!
15:21Oh!
15:22Oh!
15:23Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:25Oh!
15:26Oh, wow!
15:27Ah, oh!
15:28Yeah!
15:29Thanks for the warning.
15:30He's already here!
15:31Oh!
15:32dorks. No, no, no. They won't all be dorks. Some will be dweebs. No, I'm just kidding.
15:40Come on. Come on. Want to hang out, please? Come on, buddy. Look, look. I'm not your buddy,
15:44first of all. Don't you have any real friends? To me, a friend is just a stranger that I
15:49haven't met. So, I'll tell you what. Come on. I'm not going to give up until we hang
15:53out. I am not giving up, so that's all there is to it. Hey, all right. Rusty, look. I'll
15:58make you a deal. Let's have a snowball fight, and if you win, I'll come to your
16:03party. Okay, bud. This is California. I don't know where you're going to get snowballs.
16:08Have a snowball. Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurt. But it was fun. So, you'll see you later, buddy.
16:28See, that's you. Your name is Holly. Yeah. Rusty, what do you want?
16:38Holly, please come to my party. Party, party, party. No, I can't. I can't, Rusty. I have to
16:42study for my finals, so. I will take your final for you. You can get there and I will do the
16:47work. No, that won't work, actually, because I have to meet a friend later, so. You can bring
16:51your friend to my party. I have extra cups and dishes. I can't do that. Please come to
16:56my party. No, no, Rusty, Rusty, Rusty, I am pregnant, and I need to arrange for my abortion.
17:03I will...
17:04Oh, hi there. Welcome to Paul Timberman's workshop. I'm Paul Timberman. You know, I love
17:21Christmas. And I like to think the number one symbol of peace and love and giving and
17:25sharing around the world is the Christmas tree, which is what we're working on today.
17:29Now, the first thing you want to do when you bring your tree in from the outdoors is shape
17:32it. Now, I got my handy hand pruned around here somewhere, so I can... Oh, here it is.
17:37Oh. Yeah, that smarts. All right. Now, most of these branches are no bigger than your finger,
17:43but you've got to press real hard, because they're real strong.
17:45All right. I think you get the idea. Hey, uh, tell you what, Monty, you, uh, pop that
17:56in a little plastic baggie, put it in the fridge, I'll pick it up on the way to the ER. Thank
18:00you. All right, then. This here's our tree. It's a noble fir. Noble fir is known as a sweet,
18:07sultry mistress of the woods, and this one here's a fine, classy lady. Now, as you can see,
18:11the couch, I'll do it again. As you can see, boys at the lot kind of cut it uneven there.
18:17You're going to want to have a nice straight edge on the bottom of your tree, so it'll stand
18:21up straight. Now, this lady's too big to fit on my table saw, so I'm going to have to put
18:24it right here on this grate, and even her out. Come on, now. There you go. All right. I got a lot of cards
18:35and letters from folks out there who injure their eyes due to wood chips. You got to wear your
18:39safety goggles at all times. I can't stress that enough. Now, here we go.
18:46Now, you see why these goggles are so important? You got to keep your eyes on the wood at all
18:49times. Can't be looking at my hands.
18:51All right.
19:01Ah. You got to commercial?
19:04Hi, I'm Paul Timberman of Paul Timberman's Workshop. You know, people always ask me, what's the
19:09best way to keep your tree mounted at Christmas? And I tell them there's nothing better than
19:13the Santa Jaws. It's the new modern way to keep your frisky tree in place. Works kind of
19:18like a big old bear trap, and it comes in three different sizes. Santa Junior, Kris Kringle,
19:24and big old St. Nick. Santa Jaws, the best thing under your tree this Christmas. My name
19:37ain't Paul Timberman.
19:46Makers of Santa Jaws would like to wish you and yours a safe and happy holiday.
19:51Oh, God.
20:04Well, that's what I did for Paul Timberman of his Workshop this week. I love every way
20:09to say Merry Christmas with a beautiful tree like this one. Kind of makes all the hard work
20:13seem worthwhile. And just imagine the looks on the kids' faces as they come down the steps
20:18on Christmas morning and see this. I feel kind of woozy.
20:29Paul Timberman's Workshop is brought to you by Skyser Permanente. Skyser Permanente,
20:34Erich.
20:35Because accidents happen.
20:41Okay, guys. I guess it's just us. So, what do you want to do? Do you want to play
20:45Canasta or watch Touched by an Angel? Let's see a show of hands, but only vote once, okay?
20:52Okay.
20:56Come in.
20:56hey rusty we're here for your party oh my god you guys came look they came
21:03wait a minute this isn't a trick or something like in carrie no it's christmas we just we
21:16just wanted to be with you besides the good party got broke up by security okay okay all right
21:21here you go everybody have some zima zima zima zima all right i have to warn you this is my first
21:31time having alcohol you mean to tell me you decorated this room sober you're hilarious
21:40oh my god i think you're coming you know i think i'm drunk i think i'm drunk
21:45oh my god maybe you should slow down no i can't i'm drunk
21:54what do we do now well i can get a couple of bucks off that stereo i was wanting a hot
22:02there popcorn sister thanks rusty
22:08merry christmas rusty
22:18oh mrs larkin i can't tell you how much we appreciate you stepping in to help us
22:45little bobby mccoy has the chicken pox and well if your son weren't available we'd have to put on a
22:50christmas play tonight with no baby jesus oh we're just so happy to help out and oh my son is so
22:55excited to be playing the lord our savior oh that is so wonderful but you know i'm glad because you
23:02know we don't have a lot of time until curtain so if it's okay i'd like to meet your little boy
23:05so we can get started well sure he's in the dressing room let me get him for you okay
23:08stosh stosh stosh come on let me be the baby jesus stosh well
23:16you do are well store didn't you hear me calling you
23:23store where did you get that candy bar
23:26where did you get the candy bar
23:30i found it on the floor oh well you can't eat that it's filthy oh don't you
23:37i already licked it don't you dare put that in your mouth oh stuart don't you
23:40oh i swear he's gonna get the diabetes and lose a leg
23:46stuart say hi to sister francis she's directing the pageant hello stuart
23:53stuart say hi to sister francis i don't want to well just say hi i don't know what you said
24:02well i just said it just say hello to the sister say hi sister then let me do it
24:06why let me do it
24:08look what i can do
24:13oh isn't he talented he'll make the perfect baby jesus
24:19well uh fortunately he doesn't have to do or say anything just uh lay in the manger but
24:25sweetheart you're gonna have to take the t-shirt off
24:27sweetheart you really have to take the t-shirt
24:31well apparently that t-shirt's not coming off somebody's got a bad case of the crab apple
24:38mcnasties oh that's okay that's okay keep it on um stuart uh why don't you lay in the manger
24:43come on just wait okay i know what to do here you know how this song goes stuart
24:55oh way in the manger no crib for his head not let oh lord jesus lay down your sweet head
25:12well lay down your sweet head man stuart let me do it go on let me do it
25:23well get down your sweet head man stuart quit dawgling
25:28i haven't decided which way
25:30oh
25:32oh
25:35isn't he cute oh yes adorable yeah but we're gonna have to get going so if we can get the first wiseman on stage please
25:50The first wise men on stage, please.
25:52Okay, terrific.
25:54Now just, do me a favor, just take it from the part where you give baby Jesus your gift.
25:59Alright.
26:01I am one of the three wise men.
26:04I come with a gift for the newborn babe, our lord and savior.
26:08Murr!
26:13Stuart!
26:14Now look at what you did there!
26:16Kid needs his ass kicked.
26:18Stuart, I could just crucify you!
26:21No, no, no crucifixions today.
26:23Everybody's okay, you're okay, okay, we're okay, okay.
26:25You know what, we've got to keep this moving.
26:27So can I get everybody on stage for the finale, please?
26:30Okay, wise men, Joseph, Shepard.
26:33Great, terrific.
26:35Not now, sweetheart.
26:38Now let's take it from the song of Adoration as we rehearsed it with the blocking.
26:42And...
26:43Oh, come let us adore him!
26:49Oh, come let us adore him!
26:57Oh, come let us adore him!
27:09Christ the Lord!
27:14Okay, okay, that was okay, it's okay everybody, it's okay everybody, it's very good.
27:17Stuart, sweetheart, you're gonna have to let them adore you.
27:19No, you scare me!
27:21Oh!
27:22Oh, Stuart!
27:23What did Mama say about kicking the gun?
27:26Oh!
27:27You can't do that!
27:28You said cause money...
27:29Oh!
27:30Oh!
27:31Oh, come let us adore him!
27:37Look what I can do!
27:42Hi, I'm the ghost of Christmas past, otherwise known as Kathy Wojnowski.
28:02Babe!
28:03You are gay!
28:05Just pure Christmas fun!
28:07Christmas fun!
28:08Yeah!
28:11Yeah!
28:12Funding for this program is made possible by St. Paul Public Television.
28:16And then the bravest knight of them all raised Excalibur high above his head,
28:21and for one brief shining moment, the dream of Camelot was real.
28:28Celebrating 30 years in public broadcasting, it's...
28:33Story Time with Mr. Sasso.
28:35Oh, hi. Welcome to Storytime. Home, home, home, maybe whatever.
28:46All right, before I go over there and tell the story, I like to, you know, tell my own, something I did, something personal.
28:56You know, a story. A story.
28:58So, my wife, it's snowing out.
29:02And I say to her, I go, why don't you love the snow like you used to?
29:08And she says, no, I love the snow.
29:19Oh, yeah, okay, here we go now.
29:23Kind of the Storytime, the wonderful story of the Christmas world, imagination.
29:30Instructions. There's the, the story.
29:33Get off, son of a, there we go.
29:37All right.
29:41Jenny, why don't you run upstairs and make us some of them Christmas cookies?
29:46No, it's not so hard.
29:50All right, Nicky, get up there.
29:53The instructions are on the can.
29:58And, uh, Nicky, you get up there, give me a beer and a clamato.
30:05And, uh, Nicky, you go, go help.
30:10All right.
30:12So that, hey, where are you going?
30:13This one here is trouble.
30:24So the, the, the story is, uh, twas the night before Christmas.
30:32Twas the night.
30:33And there's, uh, oh, there's a mouse.
30:38You know, and he's, uh, all hung with care.
30:42I don't know, he's running around.
30:44He's running.
30:46And, uh, hey, Stan is up on the roof.
30:49And he's all saying, what, how could, who could he be up there?
30:52Oh, there you go.
30:55Tell you what.
30:56Let's, uh, go put my car in the garage.
30:59And, uh, remember, one of them is the gas, and the other one's the brake.
31:07One of them is the, all right, he's all right.
31:11It's, uh, uh, Christmas, Christmas time.
31:14And, uh, and, uh, I'm running around.
31:17I'm in my kerchief, and I'm in my cap.
31:20I don't know.
31:22He's up on the roof.
31:24Santa, he calls his bowl full of jelly glass, you know.
31:31He's all, he's got, got the carols, and the elves, and, ooh.
31:37There's all, you know, those guys there.
31:39Don, Donner.
31:40Nick, Nicky, Nicky, Nicky, Nicky.
31:43Nicky, Nicky.
31:45And then, then, then, then, you know, there's one of them.
31:49The one, uh, the red one.
31:50And then, and you all a good night.
31:58The end.
32:10This has been Storytime with Mr. Sasson.
32:14The following preview is rated NC-17.
32:27It contains scenes of graphic violence, nudity, and that brandy chick.
32:33You better not talk.
32:35You better watch out.
32:39You better watch out.
32:42No! I mean, watch out!
32:45You son of a bitch!
32:48It was a Christmas Eve they wanted to forget.
32:54Wow. There really is a Santa Claus.
32:57Correction. Was a Santa Claus.
32:59Let's dump the body.
33:03But some secrets just won't die.
33:07I know what you did last Christmas.
33:12Who's that card from?
33:13He knows when you've been naughty.
33:15He knows when you've been nice.
33:16And he knows when you've dumped his mangled body in a lake.
33:20No check?
33:21Cheap mother...
33:21This Christmas, deck the halls with bits of brandy.
33:29Ooh. I hope it's more hair yarn.
33:38And if that's not enough, check out these breasts.
33:42What are you waiting for?
33:43Come and get me, fun man!
33:45This year, you're hooked on Christmas.
33:52Help me!
33:53Help me!
34:03Two America's hottest stars together in a Fox Holiday classic.
34:10A Christmas Carol.
34:12Yeah, I don't see any.
34:14The ghost of Christmas past.
34:18Think it really fast.
34:21I said, who are you?
34:23She said, you're a Jew.
34:27Ah, you know what?
34:29And starring the Vancombe.
34:30Hi, I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
34:33Otherwise known as Kathy Wojnowski.
34:35Why come to me?
34:36I've never done anything to hurt anybody.
34:38I just want to make people happy.
34:41She's here to let Adam Sandler know if he's been naughty or nice.
34:47I'll tell you, not only do you act five, but you also dress five.
34:50That's neat.
34:52You might soon be getting some hair down there.
34:54It should be fun for you.
34:56Shaw Humboldt, says the San Francisco Chronicle.
34:59You're mean?
35:01What did I ever do to you?
35:03Does Happy Gilmore mean anything to you?
35:06Your movies are so thin, they make Calista Flockhart look like Delta Burke.
35:11Good Morning America says, not as good as the Alistair Sim version, but just as good as Henry Winkler's.
35:17And what about you, huh?
35:20What about you?
35:21I at least graduated from sketch comedy and I'm now making multi-million dollar films.
35:27And you're stealing a sketch about me.
35:31Ooh.
35:33A Vancombe Christmas Carol.
35:36Coming in two years of fun.
35:38Hi, I'm Magic Johnson, and welcome to my fake house.
35:47Now, I'm about to get celebrity-like with Cawain's.
35:52So, whoo, come on.
35:55It's the Magic Johnson, Wanzha Special.
35:59With his musical director, Sheila E.
36:02Are you ready for water?
36:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:08Woo!
36:10Woo!
36:11Right.
36:11Hey, Sheila, look.
36:14This snow don't melt.
36:16It ain't even cold.
36:18And it tastes like plastic.
36:21That's because it's fake snow, Magic.
36:23Oh, boy.
36:25You don't let Magic get away with nothing.
36:28No.
36:28No, here at the fake house, we're going to have a ball.
36:30Oh, yeah?
36:31I'm going to edumacate the people on what Cawain's Day is.
36:34You know, Cawain's Day was created so that us black people could finally have our own Hollies Day,
36:41not just Martin Luther King Day.
36:43No, Magic, that's not what Kwanzaa is.
36:45See, Kwanzaa is a Swahili word that means first fruits,
36:49and the holiday is a harvest celebration designed to help instill family and community values
36:53not just among African Americans but all over the world.
36:57Well, all right.
36:59Well, all right.
37:00Well, I wonder who that could be knocking on the dough of Magic's pretend house.
37:09It's Tommy Davidson, y'all.
37:12Hey, hey, Magic.
37:13What's up?
37:14Kwanzaa Claus is in the house.
37:16Hey.
37:18Hey, hey, Magic.
37:20Let me tell you something, man.
37:21I brought you a gift in celebration of Kwanzaa.
37:24I brought you some corn.
37:26Man, Tommy.
37:29Now, do you know what corn means on the first day of Kwanzaa?
37:32Yeah, I mean it's time to eat.
37:41You know something, Tommy, Sheila, we're going to have a lot of people drop by the fake house today.
37:47Now, we're going to have the balloons.
37:48Oh, look, it's Vice President Al Gore.
37:54Hey, was somebody dreaming of a white Kwanzaa?
37:56Tommy, you crazy.
38:02Everybody knows that Al Gore is the Vice Principal in the United States.
38:07Thanks, Magic.
38:09As-salamu alaykum.
38:10May I come some more?
38:11You know, Pipper and I are friends of the black community.
38:15Something to think about when you finally come to vote in 2000.
38:19Anyway, why don't we light the ceremonial candles?
38:23All right.
38:24I light the candles.
38:26You read the card, just like in rehearsal.
38:29Okay.
38:29The first candle is Umoja.
38:32No, man, Umoja.
38:34It means to drive for a maintenance of utility, that's light, and family commotion, Hadian, and Rass.
38:50Uh, maybe I better read the next one, Magic.
38:52No, man, I got it.
38:54You're starting to act more like the principal instead of the vice principal.
39:04Dracula.
39:23Safe saves.
39:29Terminator.
39:29Fooji Chagulia. Self-determination.
39:34Yeah, not to be confused with Count Chocula, who's not terminated.
39:42Mr. Vice President, why don't you read the next one?
39:46I think this one's for you, Magic.
39:51You're cancelled.
39:53Well, alright. I did my very best as always when I fail.
39:58But hey, I'm moving on to something new.
40:01I want to thank Vice Principal Al Gore for having a very magic coenze with magic.
40:08And I also am still thinking about that sitcom.
40:11Won't stop thinking about it until I get it.
40:13Woo!
40:14Go on, Sheila. You know what to do.
40:16Alright.
40:28Make up!
40:29Made!
40:30Do you love you!
40:31Do you love you!
40:33Oh, thank you.
40:34A great up in the beat.
40:35Thank you, everyone, for watching.
40:37Thank you, everyone, for watching.
40:52Please have a wonderful and safe holiday.
40:56To all, a good night.
40:57Good night.
41:07Good night.
41:37Oh, they're under attack by robots.
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