- 3 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 12
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura.
00:16Thank you, thank you. I am Jesse Ventura. Thank you. Now, since I became the Governor of Minnesota,
00:24I've been doing a whole lot of traveling, a lot of touring, a lot of press interviews,
00:27and a whole lot of political engagements. And let me tell you something, I am wiped.
00:32And as a lot of you can probably imagine, I haven't had a whole lot of sleep lately.
00:35As a matter of fact, I've been up now for close to, yes, yes, for close to 600 hours.
00:41You know, when I started this whole thing, I didn't think it was going to be this much work.
00:45Back in my wrestling days, I used to do about three cities a week. I thought that was tough,
00:48but forget about it. This is insane. And that's why I'm here tonight. I want to tell everyone
00:54across the nation, especially the good folks back home in Minnesota, that I am stepping down
01:01as the Governor of Minnesota. No, I'm sorry, please. No, no, no, no, no. Don't try. It's been a wonderful
01:06run. Please don't try to stop me. I'm sorry. This is my final decision. Anyway, the other reason why
01:12I'm here, and I want to nip this in the bud right away, people of Minnesota at home, you're going to
01:15be getting a check in the mail for $30,000 in the next couple of days, and here's the why.
01:24I sold the state's water supply to Japan. I didn't know what I was doing. I mean, you know,
01:3030 grand, you probably think it's a lot of money. You could use it, but believe me, in about a week,
01:34you're just going to get thirsty. You won't be able to shower. It'll be gross. And, you know,
01:37it's like a billion o'clock to me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really sorry. I just want to thank
01:44everybody for the support, and I want to make sure that everybody supports me in my new job,
01:51my new endeavor, as the U.S. ambassador to Iraq. Thank you. Good night. I'm a good show.
01:57Man, come on. Man, come on. Man, you're so crazy.
02:14Man, you're so crazy. You drive me now.
02:33Man, you're so crazy. You drive me now.
02:37Man, you're so crazy. You drive me now.
02:41You drive me now. Man, you're so crazy. You drive me now.
02:49Here you go, sweetie. Hot coffee.
02:51Oh, thanks, Diane. You know, I got to tell you, I'm really looking forward to seeing your parents again.
02:57Oh, that's really sweet of you. You know, before they get here, do you mind if we talk for a second?
03:03Sure. Is something wrong?
03:08No, no, it... Ah, never mind. Forget it.
03:12Diane, come on. No secrets, huh?
03:16You're right. Well, it's about sex.
03:21Am I doing something wrong?
03:25No, no, no, not wrong. No, no. It's just that, well, whenever I mention oral sex, I feel...
03:34Okay, see? Honey, honey, honey, honey, stop, stop, stop, stop.
03:43Honey, honey, honey, please.
03:44What?
03:45Please.
03:45What?
03:46Look, whatever it is, honey, whatever it is, please tell me and know that I love you.
03:54I love you, too. I love you, too, sweetie. I do, I do.
03:57It's just, whenever I mention... Oh, God, this is so hard.
04:03All right, right there, right there, honey, right there, right there, right there, right there.
04:07That, that, that's what I'm talking about, right? What you just did.
04:10What?
04:11Do you understand?
04:12Well, I understand that you're upset, and that makes me upset.
04:16Yes.
04:17Come here.
04:21I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I love you so much.
04:24I love you, too.
04:25God, I don't mean to complain.
04:26Oh, don't worry about it.
04:28Beginning the day this way really sucks.
04:30Oh, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, the door, the door, the door.
04:36All right, listen, I'll get that, okay?
04:38All right.
04:39You know what? There's some flowers for you, because you're so pretty.
04:44Oh, really?
04:46Really.
04:50Hi.
04:52Oh, my goodness.
04:54Sure. You like those?
04:55Those are beautiful.
04:57Sure.
04:58Thank you, BJ.
05:00Oh.
05:01Oh, honey, honey, honey.
05:03Run, sir, run.
05:04Run.
05:11Well, he was in a hurry.
05:13Yes.
05:14Hi, Mom.
05:15I got the paper here.
05:16Let's see who won the game.
05:17Oh, God.
05:19I hope you guys are hungry, because I cooked a lot of breakfast.
05:22Oh, boy, I sure am.
05:23Oh, my mouth is already watery.
05:26No, no.
05:28It's my mother.
05:29Oh.
05:30Look at me, Miss Butterfingers.
05:33Oh, I tell you, that damn mine is coming away.
05:37No, he isn't.
05:38No.
05:39You know, her story is getting harder and harder to swallow.
05:43No.
05:44No, no.
05:45Honey, honey, honey, honey.
05:46Honey.
05:47Oh, you are so playful.
05:49Look at you.
05:49Oh.
05:52Why don't you go ahead and have a seat?
05:54Why don't you have a seat?
05:55Okay.
05:56Okay.
05:56How are you, Dad?
05:56Good.
05:57Good.
05:58Look at these.
05:59The damn rams blew it again.
06:01Hey, hey.
06:01No.
06:02No.
06:02You're crazy.
06:03No.
06:03What are you doing?
06:04No.
06:05Stop.
06:06Stop it.
06:08It's okay.
06:10Are you all right?
06:12I'm fine.
06:13Good.
06:14Good, Dad.
06:15All right.
06:15Well, breakfast is almost ready.
06:17Oh, good.
06:17So just bear with me for one more.
06:19Oh, shoot, honey.
06:21Did we let the cat out when we opened the door?
06:23Oh, you know what?
06:24I bet we did.
06:25Oh, man.
06:26Lily.
06:26Lily.
06:27Lily.
06:28Lily.
06:29Lily.
06:30Yeah, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push.
06:34Buddy, buddy.
06:35Come on, buddy.
06:37Come on, buddy.
06:38You are me.
06:50And now the comedy of Steven Seagal.
06:58When the guy says, get under the couch.
07:02Under the couch.
07:05Folks, the guy's a car mechanic and the psychiatrist says, get under the couch.
07:09It's funny.
07:10I said, that's funny.
07:16All right.
07:17For my next joke, I'm going to need a volunteer out of the audience.
07:20How about you?
07:23All right there, sir.
07:23Have we met before?
07:25No.
07:26No, that's good.
07:27You're a smart guy.
07:30All right there, smart guy.
07:31Get behind me.
07:32You're going to be my arms.
07:33All right, this morning I got out of bed and I was really tired, so I stretched.
07:41I said, I stretched.
07:44Then I pulled out a shirt and I started to button it up.
07:47And I, hey, don't go so low.
07:48I'm not wearing button fly jeans.
07:52But then I looked at my watch and I realized I was late for work.
07:55All right.
07:57Then I got on the phone to tell the folks at work that I was going to be late.
07:59And I, hey.
08:00Steven Seagal appearing this week at the Ha Ha Hut in Ha Ha Hollywood with special guests,
08:14Jim Hanks and Uncle Dirty.
08:20I can't believe we just got our car.
08:22Yeah, those people at Saturn sure were helpful, huh?
08:25When was the last time you had six people wait on you like that?
08:27I know, and look at this owner's manual.
08:29It's like 3,000 pages.
08:32Oh, you better go pick up Amy from dance class.
08:34Oh, gosh, she's going to love the color.
08:36See, I don't know when I would...
08:39Oh, look, honey, it's Carl from the dealership.
08:43Hi, Carl.
08:44Did we forget something, or...?
08:46Barry, Connie, greetings.
08:48No, you didn't forget anything.
08:50I just wanted to make sure the ride home was okay.
08:53That is so nice.
08:55Wow, you people really do go out of your way.
08:57It's just like the ad.
09:03But so, it was fine.
09:05Thanks for stopping by, Carl.
09:07Barry, Connie, have you had a chance to look at the Book of Saturn?
09:10Oh, you mean the ownership manual?
09:12Well, it's pretty thick.
09:14It's going to take us a little while.
09:16Actually, we're just on our way out right now, so...
09:19Of course you are.
09:20To the Saturn picnic.
09:22No, actually, we weren't going to go to that.
09:24Yeah, we really don't participate in stuff like that.
09:26Yeah.
09:27Barry, Connie, greetings.
09:30Hi.
09:31Amanda, right?
09:32That's right, Barry.
09:33How's it going, Carl?
09:34Well, Barry and Connie were just informing me that they don't participate in things.
09:39Oh.
09:40Well, Barry and Connie should have thought of that before they bought a Saturn.
09:49Yeah, that's fair.
09:50So, anyway, we're not going to go to the picnic.
09:53But, uh, maybe the next one, if you guys want to, um, send us a flyer, or...
09:58Barry, Connie, you seem to be experiencing a misunderstanding.
10:02Saturn picnics are mandatory.
10:06Barry, Connie, Amanda, Carl, greetings.
10:09Greetings, Lars.
10:11Barry and Connie were just telling us that they don't want to go to the picnic.
10:15No, no, not that we don't want to.
10:16We can't go.
10:18Yeah, we actually have to go pick up our daughter, so...
10:20Amy?
10:21How did you know her name?
10:23Oh, Connie, Amy's not just your daughter now.
10:27She's part of the Saturn family.
10:28Okay, you know what?
10:29No, she's not.
10:31All right, honey, let's go get her.
10:32All right.
10:32Barry, there's no need.
10:34She's already at the picnic.
10:35As a matter of fact, I was her partner in the egg toss.
10:40This is insane.
10:41You people are crazy.
10:43I mean, it's just a car.
10:45Oh!
10:47I'm going to ask you never to say that again.
10:50Oh!
10:50Listen, don't you dare hit my wife!
10:52Oh!
10:52Silence, non-participator!
10:55All right, that's it.
10:57You people, get out of my house right now!
11:00Honey, I can't feel my legs.
11:02Now, here's what's going to happen next, Barry.
11:04You will attend a Saturn picnic, and you will enjoy yourself.
11:08And then you will take a six-day tour of the Saturn factory and reprogramming center.
11:12Honey, I'm scared.
11:14Oh!
11:14You needn't be, Connie.
11:16You'll get your daughter back when she turns 18, and I'm sure you'll be happy with the changes.
11:21But I don't want a change.
11:24A different kind of company.
11:25A different kind of car.
11:27A different kind of company.
11:29A different kind of car.
11:31A different kind of car.
11:31A different kind of company.
11:32A different kind of car.
11:33Honda, we don't know you.
11:34We don't want to know you.
11:35And, Honda, you just pay for the car and drive away.
11:54Thank you very much.
11:55And don't forget to wash your hands.
11:59Excuse me.
12:00This is the bathroom, isn't it?
12:02Oh, this is a place, dollface.
12:04I'd like to welcome you to the Ladies' Lounge here at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.
12:12My name is Shaunda, and I'll be singing for you until 5 a.m.
12:18You're performing in the bathroom.
12:20This is new Las Vegas, where the show never stops.
12:26All right.
12:28Ooh, star number two.
12:30Good choice.
12:31Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
12:33You want to be introduced, don't you?
12:35I wouldn't mind you gorgeous woman paying you.
12:38Ladies and gentlemen, this here is Crazy Finger Freddy.
12:42My accompanist and so much more.
12:46Blindfolded as Nevada state law requires.
12:49I'll be tinkling on the ivories while you ladies are tinkling on the porcelain.
12:53And as I say, you all sound lovely tonight.
12:57Oh, hello.
12:58Oh, oh, God.
12:59What's your name, honey?
13:00It's Grace.
13:01Please, don't just...
13:02Ooh, Grace.
13:02That's a nice name, hmm?
13:04Where are you from, Grace?
13:07Missouri.
13:07Please, stop...
13:08Ooh, Missouri, the show-me state.
13:10Where I don't be showing anything tonight.
13:13Oh, thank you.
13:18You're too kind.
13:21Oh, my baby is always ready with the rim shot.
13:25Sounds like I'm not the only one hitting the rim.
13:30Oh, hello.
13:32You know what that means?
13:34It means somebody's been at the midnight buffet.
13:36Oh, here we go.
13:38Great, great, great, great, great, great.
13:43Oh, my world of relief there is.
13:47Ooh.
13:48Looks like we got ourselves a request.
13:52Ooh, baby, and it's written on the good stuff.
13:55Well, I hope she saves them for herself.
14:00One of my favorites.
14:02Mm-hmm.
14:08You know how bright and you're never gonna stop your fee
14:17If you're happy and you know it stop your fee
14:29You're just happy and you know it stop your fee
14:35And you're down west from your feet
14:37And you're happy and you know it
14:39Then you'll see the shell at your
14:41Happy, knowing, feet
14:43Move up the wire
14:45Shifty, go
14:47Oh, let's go, honey!
14:55Ah, zap-a-ba, zap-a-da-ba
14:59Zap-a, zap-a-toys
15:03Happy, knowing, feet
15:09Yeah!
15:13Yeah!
15:19Now, which? Oh, this was amazing!
15:21Amazing! Oh, it always is, honey
15:23Oh, baby, don't forget to
15:25Wash your hands, here you go
15:27Thank you! Thanks so much, that's our show, that's our time
15:29Goodnight, baby
15:31Spread it, take me home!
15:33You said you're happy
15:35And you know it
15:37That's how you feel
15:39Happy, knowing,
15:41I'll show you
15:43Happy, knowing,
15:45Yeah!
15:51Dawson, we need to talk
15:53Gin!
15:55Ah, the inevitable above triangle
15:57Reasserts itself
15:59Man!
16:05Man!
16:07And now, the comedy of
16:09Piano Reads
16:11Okay, so this guy walks into a bar
16:13And it's like...
16:15Wait, wait, I said that wrong
16:17Two guys walk into a bar
16:19Two rabbi guys, yeah, rabbis
16:23Two of them
16:25And they're like...
16:27And they're like...
16:29Wait, is that right?
16:31No, yeah, that's right
16:33Two rabbis walk into a bar
16:35And they buy a drink for their camel
16:37Wait...
16:39Did I tell you the part about them having a camel?
16:41Because it's kind of important
16:43Piano Reeves
16:45Appearing this week at the Ha Ha Hut
16:47In Ha Ha Hollywood
16:48With special guests
16:49Wendy Liebman and Dom Herrera
16:51Okay, kids, we are just ready to start the show
16:58We want Benny!
17:00Okay, okay, everybody settle down
17:02Calm down, now
17:03Benny the bunny will be here
17:04I swear he'll be here, okay
17:06But he's just running a little bit late
17:08Okay, now
17:09In the meantime, though
17:10This is really cool
17:11I was out in the hall
17:12And I ran into two real-life
17:14Los Angeles police detectives
17:16And they said they'd come in and talk to you
17:18Here they are now
17:19I'll give them a big welcome
17:22Good morning, boys and girls
17:25I'm Sergeant Murtaugh
17:26And this is my partner, Detective Riggs
17:29We were outside guarding the witness for the state
17:32You know, a big murder case
17:34Hey, kids
17:39Say, I got a great idea
17:41Why don't you hold that?
17:43Keep it real still
17:44And hold it away from your body
17:46Riggs!
17:47What are you doing, Riggs?
17:48You gotta do a little William Tell, Roger
17:49No, no, no, Riggs, Riggs
17:50You can't do that
17:51No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:52No, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:53No, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:54No, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:55No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:56No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:57No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:58No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
17:59No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
18:00No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
18:01No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
18:02No, no, no, Riggs, you can't do that
18:03Hey.
18:04You ever seen handcuffs, kid?
18:05Oh, man.
18:06Put it right on like that.
18:08Those are neat.
18:08Those are around your wrist.
18:09And me and you are going to jump out that window.
18:11How does that sound?
18:12No, no, no, no.
18:12Riggs, what are you doing?
18:13You can't throw him out the window, Riggs, but three floors up.
18:15Oh, he's a tough kid, Rog.
18:17Plus, there's a dumpster down there.
18:18It's all full of boxes.
18:19We're going to be fine.
18:19I've done this a lot of times.
18:20Absolutely not.
18:21Now put him down.
18:22I'm just trying to do something fun.
18:23But you can't do that.
18:24Relax, now.
18:24Well, let's do anything fun.
18:25What, are you going to throw the kid out the window like that?
18:27And then just scare the kids and put the gun out of the kids and get over here.
18:30Get over here.
18:31Six months later, Riggs.
18:33You just relax, all right?
18:35We're just supposed to be keeping them warm until Benny the Rabbit gets here.
18:39Okay.
18:39All right, so try to relax.
18:40It's not that serious.
18:40Okay, okay.
18:41Okay.
18:42All right, I got an idea.
18:43All right.
18:44Hey, kid, do you want to see something cool?
18:47Oh, he goes.
18:50Whoa.
18:51Now, what is wrong with him?
18:53Is he crazy or something?
18:54What?
18:54Oh, no, no, you shouldn't say, Rog.
18:56You shouldn't say anything, let me say.
18:58You want to see crazy?
18:58I'll show you crazy.
18:59I'll show you crazy.
19:01Ah!
19:03Thank you very much.
19:04I would like it if you would both leave now, please.
19:06She wants us to leave.
19:07That's just great, Rog.
19:08It's probably a good idea, Rog.
19:09We're coming here to entertain these kids.
19:09Yeah, we should leave.
19:11You're snapping your arm and you're scaring the kids.
19:13What are you doing?
19:14I'm going to blow her freaking brains out.
19:15That's right.
19:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:16Riggs, you can't do that, Riggs.
19:17Why not?
19:18Put the gun away, Riggs.
19:19I'll blow my own freaking brains out.
19:20How about that?
19:21You want to see that, kids?
19:22I'm going to blow my brains out.
19:23Riggs.
19:24I'm going to blow my freaking brains out.
19:25They're blowing up through my head and it goes through.
19:27Hey, man.
19:27Riggs, don't let him blow my freaking head off.
19:29Ain't nobody blowing nobody's freaking head off.
19:31Riggs, put the gun away.
19:32Good morning, boys and girls.
19:39You've killed Benny.
19:41Oh, no, Rog.
19:43I screwed up big this time, didn't I?
19:44No.
19:45I really blew it.
19:46I blew it, Rog.
19:47Oh, Riggs, you didn't screw me, Riggs.
19:49No, no, no.
19:49Everything's going to be all right.
19:51I killed Benny the bunny.
19:52I shot him right in the chest.
19:54He wasn't even wearing his vest.
19:55Uh, excuse me.
19:56Why are you on the floor?
19:58Shut up.
19:59We always do it this way.
20:00Yeah, he's right.
20:01They always do it this way.
20:03I'm sorry.
20:04Go ahead.
20:05Now, where was I, Riggs?
20:06Oh, you were saying it wasn't my fault and don't you die on me and all that stuff.
20:09Yeah, sorry.
20:10Don't you die on me.
20:11You're my partner.
20:13You don't die that I'll say you die.
20:16Just relax.
20:16Everything's going to be all right.
20:18Really?
20:18Really.
20:19We didn't like Benny anyway.
20:21You didn't?
20:22Yeah, see, I didn't like Benny.
20:24It's good.
20:24Okay.
20:25Okay.
20:26Okay.
20:27Well, let's thank the detectives for joining us and I'm sure that they have to leave now.
20:32Can he shoot someone else for us?
20:34Yeah, Rose.
20:35Can I shoot somebody else?
20:36Who are you going to shoot, Riggs?
20:38Someone in the parking lot.
20:39Yeah, I'll shoot somebody in the parking lot.
20:42Well, you can't shoot them, Riggs, but you make them dance a little.
20:45Okay.
20:46I'm going to make somebody shake it for you, kids.
20:50Wow.
20:50Well, you two sure are unorthodox.
20:52But my gosh, I've never seen these kids so happy.
20:55Baby, I don't know if you asked me the truth.
20:57I think I'm getting too old for this.
20:59Oh.
20:59Let me show you how a real pro did it.
21:04Oh.
21:06It's been a while, but what the heck?
21:10Watch out, honey.
21:17Coming this fall to the WB, Dawson's crib.
21:23Hey, Dawson.
21:25Spielberg again?
21:25I'm in awe of his unabashed romanticism.
21:30Romanticists idealize sex.
21:32Is that a cynicism or virginity speaking?
21:35Remember, Dawson, you're a virgin, too.
21:38Joy, I can wait.
21:39When it happens, it'll be perfect.
21:41Life isn't one of your screenplays, Dawson.
21:44Oh, Joy, it was easy when we were young.
21:46We changed, Dawson.
21:48Together.
21:50Jen!
21:52Dawson, we need to talk.
21:55Alone.
21:56Ah, the inevitable love triangle reasserts itself.
22:00Dawson, I still have feelings for you.
22:02So do I, Dawson.
22:03It's time to choose.
22:06Feed.
22:07To.
22:08Back.
22:09Dawson's crib.
22:11This fall on the WB.
22:19Maybe now's the right time for us to have a baby.
22:23Yes!
22:24Woo!
22:24Honey, it's time for our little Josh to be circumcised.
22:37Maybe you should call the rabbi about having a bris.
22:40I called the rabbi, but he's really busy.
22:43Hospital circumcisions can be so expensive.
22:45I know, but his foreskin needs to be removed and soon!
22:49I know.
22:50If there was only a way we could mark our son's covenant with God for under $20.
22:54Well, now there is.
22:57Spishak presents the brisotine, home circumcision for just $19.95.
23:03Brisotine?
23:04I wonder how it works.
23:07Brisotine technology is based on the time-honored French guillotine.
23:11Just press the lever and our space-age patented stainless steel blade does the rest.
23:15Accurate to within one-eighth of an inch.
23:17Sounds great.
23:19Yes, but what about our religious convictions?
23:22Don't worry.
23:23Each brisotine is blessed and stamped by Rabbi Nathan Edelstein, the Spishak Rabbi.
23:27But that's not all.
23:37The brisotine is also conveniently portable.
23:40You can circumcise anywhere.
23:42Really?
23:43Even at Disneyland?
23:44Yes, even at Disneyland.
23:46But that's not all.
23:48The brisotine cleans up in a snap.
23:50And with its adjustable blade settings, it can be used in the kitchen to cut bananas,
23:55carrots,
23:56or just about anything that's shaped like a human penis.
24:01Just how sharp is that blade?
24:03It's sharp enough to cut through a titanium-plated solid steel rod.
24:07Wow, that's insanely sharp.
24:10It's irresponsibly sharp.
24:11So when you're done chopping, don't forget to set it back to bris.
24:16I think it's a great gift idea.
24:18I also think it's a great gift idea, too, as well.
24:22You're both right.
24:23The brisotine is the perfect gift for anyone who likes that streamlined look.
24:27I'm trying it on myself, and my name is O'Shaughnessy.
24:36I forgot to have said it back to bris.
24:40You've tried the rest, now try the best.
24:43The brisotine from Spishak.
24:45A cutter bar for just $19.95.
24:47I'll get some ice.
24:51I'll have an iced tea, actually.
24:53Hi, you have reached the home of Ellen DeGeneres.
25:05And, and, hey, I, uh, know what to do.
25:08Oh, just so do it!
25:12Hey, girls, it's Howard Stern.
25:14And my offer still stands.
25:16I'll give you each $50 if you come on my show and make out.
25:18Come on, you chicken!
25:21Bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk!
25:23Hi, honey.
25:26Wow, you still working on that doorknob?
25:28You've been working on that since they canceled you.
25:30Yeah, well, you know, no, no, uh, doorknob.
25:33No, no, no way to come out.
25:36Wow, you, uh, you, wow, you look great.
25:39Who, uh, who, who died?
25:40Oh, Ellen.
25:43Actually, I have an opening to go to.
25:45Oh, great.
25:46I'll just go, I'll change into my, uh, tux.
25:48Uh, no, no, no, no, uh, actually, this is just for professional actors, movie actors with jobs.
25:56Well, hey, don't be mad.
25:57Remember, you're the funny one.
25:59Yeah, well, you know, uh, every once in a while I'd like to, uh, you know, be the, uh, the cute one.
26:06Oh, please, could you just be serious for one moment?
26:09I actually want to talk to you about something.
26:11Well, okay, uh, shoot, what's up?
26:13Well, I was thinking that maybe you're right, you know?
26:16Well, maybe now's the right time for us to have a baby.
26:19Uh, uh, yes!
26:21Woo!
26:24Yes!
26:25Oh, this, this, this will show all those people who said that you, you, you just, you just slept with me to get a career.
26:31This, this will prove them wrong.
26:33Happy.
26:34Come here.
26:34Oh, well, I'm, I'm very happy, too, dear.
26:37Oh, I, I am so excited.
26:38I'm gonna, I'm gonna call the clinic.
26:40I'll call.
26:40Uh, actually, here's what I was thinking on that and, you know, hear me out on this.
26:45What if I got a naked man to lie on top of me and inject me with his sperm?
26:54Oh, no, I, I can't let you do that.
26:57Oh, I wouldn't mind, you know, and if I didn't get it right the first time, I'd try it again and again and again and again and again.
27:04And if the first guy didn't work, I'd try a second and a third and a fourth.
27:08Oh, no, you, you know what you are?
27:10You, you are the, the most unselfish, generous woman I, I, I know.
27:15Well, I, you know, except, except for me.
27:20Go, man!
27:21What could that be?
27:23It's probably Charlie Sheen.
27:24Oh, right, yeah, Charlie Sheen.
27:25What?
27:27Hey, Charlie.
27:28How's it going, gorgeous?
27:34Sorry, I'm late, you know, I had to make a pit stop on the way here.
27:37Can you drive?
27:38Yeah.
27:40Charlie, this is my housemate, Ellen.
27:43Oh, nice to meet you.
27:48And what, uh, what, what, what is he, uh, doing here?
27:51Well, after the opening tonight, Charlie was going to lie on top of me, uh, coink-a-dinkly like this so that I could get used to the idea.
28:00Yep.
28:00Are you ready to go?
28:01Oh, yeah, I'm already there, baby.
28:04Good.
28:05Oh, hey, did you remember the condoms?
28:08Is, uh, eight enough?
28:09Oh, uh, what do you, uh, need, uh, you know, uh, those, uh, condoms for?
28:14Oh, well, this is, um, just, um, practice and, I mean, let's face it, Charlie's dirty thing has been everywhere, so.
28:23True story.
28:24You know, uh, forget the baby.
28:25Uh, you know, we'll, we'll get a, a, a, a cat, you know, uh, uh, uh, lesbians love, uh, cats, uh.
28:31Ellen, would you just shut up?
28:32You know, I am doing this for us.
28:35Okay?
28:36So, hey.
28:40We'll see you later, Ellen DeGeneres.
28:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
28:44I wish he's out for delivery.
28:46Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:55Aw, yeah, yeah.
28:58Aw, yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:01Aw, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:05Aw, yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:10Like sands through the hourglass, these are the gays of our lives.
29:22Welcome to the show, ladies.
29:24Yeah.
29:24Look at your little room here.
29:26Why don't you take your seats?
29:27Hey, don't push.
29:28Oh.
29:29Hey!
29:37And now, back to Give Me a Clue with your host, Tim Flinch.
29:43Hey, thank you, thank you, and welcome back to Give Me a Clue.
29:48And what a game it's been.
29:49Our returning champion, Sterling, a former district attorney, is in the lead,
29:53but Roger, a self-proclaimed jack-of-all-trades, is trailing by just a few points,
29:58and that could all change in the lightning round.
30:04You two know how the lightning round works, don't you?
30:06We give one of you clues, you describe that clue to your partner,
30:10guess correctly, and here's what you'll win.
30:13It's $50,000 in cash.
30:17Ho, ho, ho, ho.
30:18Let me tell you where I'm from.
30:19That's a lot of cash.
30:21What would you do with that kind of money, Sterling?
30:22Well, I'd probably buy that liver my father needs to survive.
30:27That's one lucky daddy.
30:29How about you, Roger?
30:31Um, I guess I'd probably buy Sterling's father that liver he needs to survive.
30:35Boy, Sterling, I hope your dad likes liver.
30:39Okay.
30:40We've said goodbye to your celebrity partners, Morley Safer and Carol Channing.
30:46Weren't they fantastic?
30:50As you know, we select two audience members at random to be your lightning round partners.
30:55Let's meet them, shall we?
30:57Sterling, your partner is a manicurist at the gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon.
31:01Meet Miss Swan.
31:07Roger, your partner is the former Miss July.
31:10She currently enjoys breakfast.
31:12Say hello to Antonia Timmons.
31:17Well.
31:19Welcome to the show, ladies.
31:21Here, give me a little room here.
31:23Why don't you take your seats?
31:24Okay, don't push.
31:25All right, you're ready to play the game.
31:29You understand our rules, don't you?
31:31Yeah.
31:33No.
31:34Yeah, okay.
31:38Okay.
31:38How about you, Antonia?
31:41Give.
31:44All right.
31:46Now, Roger has elected to give the clues Sterling has elected to receive.
31:49We're going to start with Sterling.
31:51Give me 20 seconds on the clock.
31:54And go.
31:55Go.
31:57Okay, this is funny.
31:59Look, Tomate.
32:00No, no.
32:03Oh, I am so sorry.
32:06Maybe I didn't explain the rules to you.
32:09See, you can't actually say the word when you're given the clue.
32:13Okay, you'd not tell me that.
32:17Well, I don't know.
32:19I think someone did.
32:20But you know what?
32:21We're going to give you another chance anyway.
32:22Give me 20 seconds on the clock.
32:25And go.
32:26Go.
32:28Oh, this is an easy one.
32:29You get this one.
32:30Okay, okay, let's go.
32:31Oh, you're going to walk away with $50,000.
32:35Okay.
32:35Okay, okay, okay.
32:36Okay.
32:37You know sometimes you go, you want to buy flowers, you know?
32:40Gardening.
32:40Flores, flores, flores, flores, flores.
32:41And then the man, the big man, he cut the flowers.
32:44Okay, a flores, a flower ranger, a bouquet, a bouquet, a bouquet.
32:47Oh, you almost had that one.
32:50The word was sidewalk.
32:53Sidewalk?
32:54She was talking about gardening.
32:57You know, this one's no good.
32:58She talked too much.
33:01She's not giving me good clues.
33:04Okay, no.
33:05You need to believe in yourself.
33:08You need to use the force, you know?
33:12Interesting strategy.
33:17Now let's go back to Roger and Antonia.
33:2020 seconds on the clock and go.
33:23Okay, not ham, not sausage.
33:28It does come from a pig.
33:32You have it with eggs.
33:36Okay, not ham, not sausage.
33:38But it's a breakfast meat that comes in strips.
33:42That you have with eggs.
33:45It rhymes with macon.
33:48Oh, so close.
33:50The word was bacon.
33:51Bacon.
33:54It's too late now.
33:57Oh, it was a nice try, though.
34:00Very nice try.
34:01Let's go back to Sterling and Swan.
34:05Can we switch?
34:06Can we switch?
34:09No.
34:09Now give me 20 seconds on the clock and go.
34:16Okay.
34:17Oh, I know this one.
34:18I know this one.
34:19Okay, well, give me a clue.
34:20You keep your shirt on, mister.
34:23Okay?
34:24We only got like 20 seconds here.
34:26Just come on.
34:27No, we have now.
34:28We have 12 seconds.
34:3011.
34:31No, no, come on.
34:32Give me anything.
34:33Anything, anything.
34:33Give me the, come on.
34:34Okay.
34:35Clue.
34:35Okay, I'll tell you.
34:37He is Luba Lega Man.
34:43Oh, oh.
34:44No.
34:45I see where she was going with that one.
34:47The clue was Beethoven.
34:49No.
34:50You see?
34:51He's good.
34:51This one, he knows.
34:54She didn't give me any clues.
34:56Shut up.
35:00We're going to go back to Roger and Antonia.
35:02Is she going to guess this time?
35:04You know, I don't know.
35:06Antonia, are you going to answer this time?
35:09Yeah.
35:11Are you sure?
35:13Bacon.
35:13Good enough for me.
35:1720 seconds on the clock.
35:19And go.
35:21All right.
35:21Um, okay.
35:22Uh, this is a house pet.
35:25They're furry.
35:26Um, they're cute.
35:27Uh, dogs like to chase them.
35:29Thiefy.
35:30What?
35:31Huh?
35:32Thiefy.
35:33What are you saying?
35:34It's a house pet.
35:36They're little, they're cute, with the big eye.
35:38They go meow.
35:39Meow, meow.
35:41Thiefy.
35:41What is a thiefy?
35:44Shh.
35:44Oh.
35:45Thiefy is my cat.
35:47Oh.
35:48Why the hell did you just say cat?
35:50I did.
35:51No, you said thiefy.
35:53Thiefy.
35:54Well.
35:55I am so sorry we're all out of time.
35:59Neither of you won, but we've got some lovely parting gifts for each of you.
36:03Is it a liver?
36:04No, it's rice-a-roni, but you can put liver in it.
36:07Back to you, Kip.
36:09Oh.
36:10All right.
36:10That's all the time we have for today.
36:12I'd like to thank our contestants, Sterling and Roger.
36:14We'll see you tomorrow on Gimme a Clue.
36:20Bacon.
36:28Celine Dion's Martin Luther King Day special.
36:31Jimmy cracked the corn, and I don't care.
36:37This is my first time to use a machine, you know.
36:40You're a nice lady to help me.
36:43Yeah.
36:44No.
36:44Hey, Sally, I heard a rumor that you like the Packers.
37:12Is that true?
37:13Oh, yeah.
37:14Fire's gonna take them all the way in Tidal Town.
37:18What?
37:20Keep up.
37:21Okay, everybody, listen up.
37:26Listen up here.
37:27We need to, everybody, just get down on our knees and just have a little moment prayer.
37:31To God and to Vince Lombardi up in blacker heaven.
37:39Dear God.
37:41Go back!
37:42Hey, Carl, did you tell her?
37:48Tell me what?
37:49Oh, gee, Sally.
37:50Take a look.
37:52This is Brian Burton, coming to you for the pregame show live from TJ McSports bars.
37:58Just 100 yards from legendary Lambeau Field.
38:01Oh, my God.
38:02Our bar's on the Tuberino.
38:03This is how you should get in there, show them what being real Packers fan is all about.
38:08Yeah, Carl's got that right.
38:10You should go in there and show them how it's done.
38:12Yeah, all right.
38:13All right.
38:14Pow, pow.
38:15I'm going in.
38:16Ow.
38:16Okay, go in, Sal.
38:18Yeah.
38:18All right, go.
38:19Go back.
38:20I tell you, these Packers fans are pumped up and ready for today's game.
38:24The question I want to know is, can the Packers take it all away?
38:28Oh, I can answer that.
38:30Okay.
38:31And what's your name?
38:32Sally Kowalski.
38:33All right, Miss Sally Kowalski.
38:35Why don't you tell me and the millions of viewers out there in television land, can the Packers do it?
38:42Millions?
38:43Millions.
38:49Come on, Sally.
38:50This is your moment.
38:55You know, Sally, this is what we call dead air.
39:03This calls for drastic action.
39:07Oh, geez, I know what you're thinking.
39:09No, you don't, but I don't want to get into that right now.
39:12The only way to get Sally back is for me to do the Minnesota Vikings cheer.
39:17Oh, geez.
39:19Oh, geez.
39:20You're a brave man.
39:21Yeah, well, just jump her if she goes through my eyes.
39:27Go, Vikes!
39:28Go, Vikes!
39:29Go, Vikes!
39:31Go, Vikes!
39:32Go!
39:34Go, no, no!
39:36Go away!
39:37No, Vikes!
39:38That's enough.
39:48Well, do you know what he said to me?
39:50He's a freaking traitor.
39:50He's a freaking traitor.
39:52Ow!
39:53Geez, Sally did it for you.
39:56I did that.
39:59For the Sally that I know.
40:02The one with the green and yellow heart.
40:05That's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
40:08Go get him, Sally.
40:14Go back in there and show him.
40:16All right, I'm going back here.
40:17Sally!
40:18I'm going back here.
40:18Sally!
40:19Sally!
40:20Sally!
40:21Sally!
40:22Sally!
40:23Sally!
40:23Sally!
40:24Sally!
40:24Sally!
40:25Sally!
40:25Sally!
40:25Sally!
40:25Sally!
40:26Sally!
40:26Oh, well, look who's back.
40:28You got something to say this time?
40:30I'm not going to give you a gun.
40:32I'm going, Packers!
40:33Yeah!
40:34Take that!
40:35Last week, a blown call on a Jerry Rice fumble led to San Francisco beating Green Bay, ruining
40:42the sketch you just saw.
40:44We here at MADtv are fed up and joining the cry to bring back instant replay.
40:48P.S.
40:49Disregard next week's Los Angeles Raiders statue.
40:51Thanks for that.
40:53Thank you guys for coming, thank you guys for watching.
41:14Death Killed.
41:16Remember that.
41:17Good night.
41:18Good night.
41:19Good night.
41:23Get out.
41:25How can you do it?
41:26How can you do it?
41:28Yes.
41:28How can you do it?
41:29How can you do it?
41:31Work.
41:31How can you do it?
41:32How can you do it?
41:33What's better?
41:35How can you do it?
41:37Come be, have a look.
41:39What's better?
41:40You know what that means?
42:03Somebody's been at the midnight buffet.
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