- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 19
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madtv reality playboy
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00:00You are now watching the TV.
00:04May!
00:07Fox Television is proud to present the return of an old friend in a brand new series.
00:15What's that, Lassie?
00:17Oh, Dan, Timmy's in the well.
00:20I'll go get him.
00:22What would we do without you, girl?
00:24We love you, Lassie.
00:26It's America's most beloved canine like you've never seen her before.
00:34What's that, Lassie?
00:36Timmy's hiding smut magazines under his bed.
00:40I'd better go check this out.
00:42Thanks, Lassie.
00:44Good girl.
00:45How'd you like a nice doggy treat for that one?
00:49Gee, I thought we had a deal.
00:54Lassie's back.
00:55And where Lassie goes, trouble is sure to follow.
01:00What's that, Lassie?
01:01My husband's sleeping with my sister.
01:04Good girl, Lassie.
01:05Good girl.
01:06That's worth a stake.
01:09Dan, give me that spoon.
01:11Honey, I can explain.
01:13Lassie's back.
01:14And this time, she's looking out for number one.
01:18Look, we know you killed him.
01:19We just want to know what you did with the body.
01:22What's that, Lassie?
01:23You know where she buried the bodies.
01:25What do you mean it'll cost us?
01:28$10,000?
01:29That's a lot of stake.
01:32Yeah, all right.
01:33That's what I just said.
01:34I'll talk to the mayor, you get your money, and she'll get the chair.
01:38Finally, a Lassie for the 90s.
01:41For the right amount of money, she'll be anybody's bitch.
01:43Lassie the Snitch, coming this summer.
01:47Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:19Tonight on MADtv, the Vancombe Lady, Kirk and Spock, Stan the Java Man, and the UBS guy.
02:27You are now watching MADtv.
02:29MADtv.
02:30Hi, everybody, and welcome to MADtv.
02:50I'm Mary Shear, and there's someone else who wants to welcome you, too.
02:55It's my tapeworm.
02:58Isn't he big?
02:59I've been growing him for years.
03:02What's that tapey?
03:03To all of you who had hot dogs from the vendor outside, he wants to welcome all his brothers
03:08and sisters growing inside you.
03:10Enjoy the show, each and every segment.
03:14Bye!
03:14We talk, we know our people, sometimes we don't.
03:31Hopefully we won't notice so much Saturday night.
03:33Watch it.
03:34Welcome to the Shrine Auditorium, where the 70th Annual Academy Awards are about to begin.
03:50We take you now live to the red carpet.
03:54You know what?
03:59Look out, stars, because your welcome wagon has arrived.
04:10Ladies and gentlemen, it must be laundry day, because our favorite washed-up couple has just arrived.
04:16Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, ladies and gentlemen.
04:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:22Yeah, yeah.
04:23Hey, we love you guys, yeah.
04:24Oh, boy, does anyone have any nachos to go with that cheese there, huh?
04:29So, Bruce, Bruce, Brucey, you were funny on that moonlighting show about 80 years ago.
04:35What the heck happened?
04:37What is it?
04:37What is this sort of a joke or something?
04:39No, Kojak, she's your wife, although still somewhat a joke.
04:45So, Demi, you're very famous.
04:46What do you think did it for you?
04:48I mean, I don't know what could have made people want to watch your films.
04:53Oh, wait, now I remember.
04:56You're the pornographic feminist who gets paid $12 million to take off your shirt and flash a little silicone.
05:01Who the hell is this nobody?
05:07Oh, eesh, Judy Attitudi took her nasty pill today, huh?
05:11Huh?
05:12No wonder you cheat on her.
05:13Whoa.
05:15Whoa.
05:15The rumors about our marital problems are completely unsubstantiated.
05:19Mm-hmm, and so is your talent, but that hasn't seemed to stop yet.
05:24Okay, I've got an indecent proposal for you here, Bruce.
05:27I'll give you a million dollars if you get her to stop making movies.
05:32You can't talk to me that way.
05:34And you can't do accents.
05:35Okay, now why don't you two make, like, Brucie's hairline here and disappear?
05:42Off you go.
05:42Wow.
05:43Okay.
05:44Oh, look, kids.
05:44It's everyone's favorite purple dinosaur.
05:46It's Barney.
05:52How you doing?
05:52It's me.
05:53It's Eddie Murphy.
05:54Oh, Eddie Murphy.
05:55I'm sorry.
05:55My bad.
05:56My bad.
05:56Your costume threw me off there.
05:58Uh, boy, you must be a big star.
06:01You had that suit FedExed all the way from 1985.
06:03You know what?
06:09Your ass is a little tough, but you're nice.
06:10I like that.
06:11It's funny.
06:11Oh, but you know what?
06:12You're barking up the wrong tree here, Eddie.
06:14Homie, don't play the crying game.
06:17Yeah, no.
06:18No, but you know what?
06:19What's your name, sir?
06:21Yeah, yeah.
06:21You know what?
06:23Don't even worry about it.
06:23You know what?
06:24That joke's getting a little old now.
06:25I suggest you step aside, Miss Platinum, and let the real star come through.
06:28Let's go.
06:29I'm sure Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd are keeping your seat warm at the used-to-be-funny
06:33section.
06:36Oh, look, good news, everyone.
06:38Whoopi Goldberg is here.
06:43Better news.
06:44She's not hosting.
06:48Yeah, well, I thought Joan Rivers was the only rude bitch working the red carpet.
06:52And I thought the drag queen witch doctor look was out.
06:56Yes, it was.
06:59So, Whoopi, I love your suit.
07:01It's even whiter than your love life.
07:03Okay, no, wait, wait, wait.
07:04Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay?
07:06Let me just leave them, okay?
07:07It was real.
07:08And it doesn't matter if you're black or you're white.
07:10Okay, I've heard your act here, sister.
07:12It's preachy, preachy, preachy, not funny.
07:13Preachy, preachy.
07:14As opposed to your movie career, which is just not funny.
07:19In fact, the only movie I liked you in is
07:21What's Love Got to Do With It?
07:22That happened to be Angela Bassett.
07:24My point exactly.
07:25You know what? I don't need this movie.
07:26Okay, don't know.
07:27I don't even care about you for you.
07:28You're gonna be here today.
07:29I'm going to go.
07:29La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
07:31Thank you for playing.
07:32Boy, she's a talker, huh?
07:34Okay.
07:35Oh, look, everyone, aren't we lucky?
07:37It's Sylvester Stallone.
07:39Come on up here, Sly.
07:41Come on up here.
07:43What do you have to say for yourself?
07:44What do you do?
07:45What? I can't.
07:46I can't.
07:47Okay.
07:50You know what?
07:52Oh, gosh, this is just too darn easy.
07:54Even I feel sorry for him.
07:55Off you go.
07:56Enjoy the show.
07:56I can't.
07:57I can't.
07:58I can't.
07:59Enjoy.
08:00Oh, boy, kids.
08:01We've got a special treat.
08:02It's Howard Stern.
08:07My loyal subjects bow before me.
08:11The king of all media, Howard Stern.
08:13And I'm the best actor of the year and the best film of the year.
08:16Private parts.
08:17Private parts?
08:20You know what?
08:22Boring.
08:24Oh, boring?
08:25What the hell are you talking about, you bimbo?
08:27That movie sold out theaters all over the country.
08:29No, see, you're mistaken.
08:31Theaters didn't sell out.
08:32You sold out.
08:34Okay.
08:35Okay.
08:36Why don't you shut your mouth and take your shirt off, you jealous hag?
08:40I mean, come on.
08:41That movie was brilliant.
08:42It had laughs and tears in all the right places.
08:44It was an absolute recipe for success.
08:46Oh, yeah, yeah.
08:47I know that recipe.
08:48You take the same stale sex and poo-poo jokes that you do every morning.
08:52Add water.
08:53Add water.
08:54Voila.
08:55You've built a bomb.
08:57You know what?
08:58You would be a lot more interesting and useful right now if you're about two feet shorter.
09:01Mm-hmm.
09:02I'm a comedy genius.
09:08Comedy genius, huh?
09:10Yeah.
09:10Does anyone remember Fart Man?
09:13Oy.
09:13Okay.
09:14Okay, one mistake and I'm paying for it the rest of my life.
09:17Great.
09:17I bet that's what your parents say every morning.
09:19Oh.
09:20Well, it looks like your parents raised the afterbirth by mistake.
09:24Okay, to heck with you there, Howard.
09:26Up yours.
09:27Bite me.
09:27Eat me.
09:28Chai, you know what?
09:32Mm-hmm.
09:34You're my kind of people.
09:36What do you say we join forces and go trash the ceremony?
09:38Okay, I'm with you.
09:40Let's say we find Rosie first, huh?
09:42Right behind you, Howie.
09:43Just listen for her cowbell.
09:46Rosie, come out, come out, wherever you are.
09:49Howdy, folks.
09:58Big John here and my lovely wife, Thelma.
09:59Hey.
10:00You know, a lot of folks complain they couldn't find Big John's surf bar, so we moved lock,
10:03stock, and barrel to a brand new, easy-to-found location.
10:05Not only that, we added 200,000 ties to go with them surf.
10:08Okay, Thelma?
10:08We got bow ties, wide ties, dress ties, solid ties, strap ties, your name it.
10:11You won't find a bigger tie selection than any worse.
10:13So come on in and tie one on.
10:16Come on, Thelma.
10:17He cracks me up.
10:19What are you waiting for?
10:20Tell the fine folks how simple it is to get to our new story.
10:23Take a 407 to the 602 and get off that Pawnee Junction.
10:27Then mayor to the right through the flashing red lights and your CSI for Rootin'.
10:31Don't take that, keep it going on straight past the little old house of toothpicks.
10:34Then it's two quick lefts on the dead stone brood and then you're halfway there.
10:38Then drive right through past the old porn theater and Jimmy's Jerky Hut.
10:42Don't stop for a drink at the painted lady because the waitress there's a slut.
10:45Don't happen again, sweetie.
10:48Take a second dirt road past the rusty can and a left where they found that body.
10:52Then park your car because it's not too far and walk down to the dock.
10:56Then grab a boat and let yourself float for six more miles down river.
10:59And before the falls you'll see a branch that you should grab a hold up.
11:03Then raise your chin and swim on into Big John Shirt and Tabor.
11:06It don't get much simpler than that.
11:10Just a piece of MSU, well try them again.
11:12But this time remember, time is money.
11:14407 to the 602 and get off that Pawnee Junction.
11:16Then bear to the right through the flashing red light to your CSI for Rootin'.
11:18Don't take that, keep it going on straight past the little old house of toothpicks.
11:21There's two quick lefts on a dead stone brood and then you're halfway there.
11:23Then drive right through past the old porn theater and Jimmy's Jerky Hut.
11:26Don't stop for a drink at the painted lady because the waitress there's a slut.
11:28I swear.
11:28Then bring your rope as a rusty can and left where you found that body.
11:30Then park your car because it's not too far and walk down to the dock.
11:32Then grab a boot and it's a flooper six more miles on the river.
11:35Before the falls you'll see a branch that you should grab a hold of.
11:38Then raise your chin and swim on into Big John Shirt and Tabor.
11:40Sure.
11:41Yeah.
11:44Why do you have to rub in the background?
11:47That's what I want to know.
11:48Oh, crazy.
11:52Notice that I can dance and keep the beat at the same time.
11:54It's a black thing I'll teach you later.
11:57You are not watching MAP TV.
12:00MAP!
12:02Okay, there, Mr. Dandridge, all done.
12:07How do you feel?
12:08Who can feel?
12:11I'm glad it's done.
12:13Well, all I did was clean your teeth.
12:16Well, don't forget to see the receptionist on your way out and have a good day.
12:20How?
12:24Sharon, I'm ready for the next patient.
12:32What's up, Jack?
12:34Hey, well, hello, Jack.
12:35And how are we today?
12:36Oh, we're great.
12:37Come on.
12:38Who else is here?
12:40Come on.
12:40Have a seat.
12:41Oh, whoa.
12:42Check these out.
12:43Oh, yeah.
12:43Hey, look at me.
12:45I drink milk and I always brush.
12:47Oh, not me.
12:48And I feel rotten.
12:49Hey, you should go see Dr. Hurst.
12:51Yeah, I hear she's really pretty.
12:52Yeah, she's got great eyes and her hands smell really nice.
12:56Thank you, Jack.
12:56That's very nice.
12:57But come on now.
12:58Let's have a seat.
12:59Okay.
12:59Okay.
13:00Whoa!
13:03That's big.
13:04Yeah, Jack.
13:05What?
13:06Imagine if your mouth was that big.
13:07It wouldn't be cool.
13:08It was like regular size when it was closed.
13:10But then when you opened up, it was like that huge.
13:11It would totally scare people.
13:12It would be like...
13:13Okay, Jack, Jack, Jack.
13:18Why don't we have a seat?
13:20Oh, right.
13:20Tell them.
13:21Get to the checkup.
13:21Okay.
13:24Ooh, leather.
13:25Nice.
13:30Oh.
13:35Oh.
13:38I'm a kiwi.
13:39Oh, oh.
13:45Oh, cool.
13:47Oh, I'm the vampire.
13:48I come to search for...
13:49Jack.
13:50Jack, Jack.
13:52Please don't...
13:53Don't play in king's drills.
13:54Okay.
13:59Okay.
13:59Okay.
14:01Okay.
14:03Thanks, Doc.
14:04Okay.
14:05All right.
14:06Now, just relax and open wide, okay?
14:07Totally relaxed.
14:08Okay.
14:09Okay.
14:10So, how has everything been?
14:11Any problems?
14:24Oh.
14:24What did you do?
14:26Jack, I think you have a cavity.
14:28A cavity?
14:31Mm-hmm.
14:32I can't have a cavity.
14:33It's like having a hole in your tooth.
14:35I mean, like, what if all my teeth get holes and, like, crack and, like, fall out?
14:40I mean, I won't have anything but gums.
14:41Jack.
14:42I won't be able to eat anything.
14:43Won't be able to eat, like, steak or apples or granola bars or carrots or baseball card
14:48gum, you know, or ribs or french fries or potato skins.
14:51Huh?
14:52Mm.
14:54Now, it's just gas.
14:56It's going to help you relax.
14:59Okay.
15:00Now, just breathe deeply.
15:06Oh, yeah.
15:10Hey, Doc.
15:12How about some sweet, hot love?
15:22All right.
15:23Jack.
15:25Wake up.
15:25That's it.
15:26You're all done.
15:27That's it?
15:28Mm-hmm.
15:29Cool.
15:29Let's do it again.
15:32Now, listen.
15:33You're not going to be able to drive home right away, okay?
15:35So, Sharon's going to help you and take you into one of the rooms to rest it off.
15:38Oh, hey.
15:39Don't worry about it.
15:40I'm fine.
15:41I can help.
15:46See?
15:47No problem.
15:48Okay.
15:49Well, let me...
15:49Let me...
15:50Let me...
15:51Let me give you a hand.
15:53Hey.
15:53Are you coming on to me?
15:54Are you coming on to me?
15:55No.
15:56Now, Sharon is going to help you out, okay?
16:00Okay.
16:01Where did you get those tanks?
16:02Jack, goodbye.
16:04Sharon?
16:13Jack, get out.
16:15Later.
16:16Later.
16:16Later.
16:16I'm Roger Murtaugh.
16:32Y'all know me best from my Lethal Weapon movies, but when I finally decided to retire from
16:37the police force after 25 years of dealing with every junkie, psycho lowlife scum out
16:42there, I decided that I wanted to do something that was a little less hectic.
16:47That's why I've opened...
16:48Ah, we've opened.
16:50Yeah, my partner and I have opened Riggs and Murtaugh, but we have dedicated our life to
16:55providing you with the finest service available.
16:58Are you folks enjoying your meal?
16:59Uh, actually, my husband ordered his steak well done, and, um...
17:03Yeah, this is medium rare.
17:04Yeah.
17:05No, no, he asked for medium rat raws.
17:06That's why I brought out of the kitchen.
17:08Take it easy, Riggs.
17:10Okay, I know.
17:11I guess it's my mistake.
17:12I made the mistakes.
17:12No, it's okay.
17:13I just want it cooked a little more.
17:15Oh, okay.
17:15Okay, he just likes it cooked a little more.
17:17You hear that, everybody?
17:17He just likes it cooked a little more.
17:19Wait a minute, no, no, take it easy, Riggs.
17:21Come on, what's up with this problem?
17:21You want to see me sell the...
17:22Oh, my God.
17:24I'll twist your head off and ram that steak out.
17:26You'll throw the suck it back out through your eyes.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:28He's crazy.
17:29Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:31Crazy.
17:31Crazy.
17:32Crazy.
17:33You want to see crazy.
17:34Oh.
17:34You should call me crazy, Ross.
17:47I'll do it right here and now.
17:55Hey, hey, why don't you put it in your mouth so the gun goes right through your brain?
18:01Don't attack me.
18:02Don't attack me.
18:03Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:05Don't, don't, don't.
18:06You really are crazy.
18:10You know what, guys?
18:11I'm really not that hungry anymore.
18:12Shut up.
18:13Eat your potato.
18:14No, no, no, the Riggs is going to be okay.
18:15We can put the steak back Riggs.
18:17Riggs, give me the gun.
18:18I screwed up, Riggs.
18:18Give me the gun, Riggs.
18:19I blew it this time.
18:20I made this look bad.
18:21Just get off and get off and get off.
18:22No, no, no, no, no.
18:24Don't let anybody see me.
18:25Don't let anybody.
18:25No, no, no, no, no.
18:26Nobody going to touch you, Riggs.
18:27Ain't nobody going to touch you.
18:29All right.
18:29All right.
18:30Ready?
18:30Take it easy, Riggs.
18:31Ready?
18:31Oh.
18:34Oh, Riggs.
18:35That's better.
18:35Are you okay, partner?
18:37I screwed up, Riggs.
18:38I really screwed up this time.
18:39Oh, no, Riggs.
18:40You didn't screw up, Riggs.
18:42The guy asked for his steak.
18:43Well done, Riggs.
18:44I gave it to a medium rat.
18:46That means we're going to have to throw the steak away and start all over again.
18:49You know how expensive porterhouse steak is, Riggs.
18:51We're going to lose money on it.
18:51No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:53We don't have to throw the steak out.
18:55We don't?
18:56No, no, no.
18:56It's just a little overcooked.
18:58We can throw it back in the oven and cook it a little more.
19:01It'll be fine.
19:04Really?
19:05Really?
19:05Really?
19:06Really?
19:06Really?
19:07Okay.
19:08Okay.
19:08Good.
19:09All right.
19:09So if it's fine dining you like, come on down to Riggs and Murtaugh.
19:20Home of the full-bone prime rib.
19:22Stone crabs of my very own green goddess dressing.
19:25What's that?
19:27How about I blow your freaking head off?
19:28How's that?
19:32I'm getting too old for this stuff.
19:34Riggs and Murtaugh's, Wilshire and La Brea.
19:37Inquire about our early bird specials, 3 o'clock till 6 o'clock.
19:41Lunch delivery and takeout till 5 o'clock.
19:50Oh, man.
19:51Look, lady, I don't think this is a good idea.
19:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:54You will listen to me and you will heed my words.
20:00Okay.
20:00Voodoo spice.
20:01Take one.
20:02I tell you what I need.
20:06What I really, really need to become a spice girl.
20:11I want you to take the eye of a lizard and the heart of a newborn stonk.
20:15And throw it on the cypress tree.
20:18On the blow-away moon.
20:20And then I want you to dance.
20:22Next.
20:32Next.
20:35Coming up next.
20:37Coming up next on Mad TV.
20:39Win the battle.
20:40Wow, Chris, it looks like it's you and me there, buddy.
20:44What?
20:45You make me feel like there's something wrong with my pants.
20:48The entertainment of millions of viewers depends on our ability to deliver precise comedy material.
20:54Kirk out.
20:54Me!
20:55You are now watching Mad TV.
21:02In 1974, after the cancellation of Star Trek, creator Gene Roddenberry boldly experimented with a different brand of television entertainment.
21:12It was unfortunately canceled after one episode.
21:15Mad TV proudly brings you that show.
21:18From beautiful Miami Beach, it's the Kirk and Spock Variety Hour.
21:23Now, here are your hosts, Kirk and Spock.
21:34Well, Spock, here we are again.
21:37Again, Captain?
21:38But this is our first show.
21:40Miami Beach is my favorite place for surely, but I must say, it's very hot here.
21:45Precisely how hot do you mean?
21:47Well, I'll tell you, pointy ears.
21:49I saw a dog chasing a cat.
21:53They were both walking.
21:56Your attempt at levity was, shall we say, less than edifying.
22:04Scotty, I need better jokes.
22:07I saw you.
22:08We're writing them as fast as we can.
22:10The entertainment of millions of viewers depends on our ability to deliver precise comedy material.
22:15Kirk out.
22:16Yeah, what the devil's going on up here?
22:19Sick man's back to the rafters.
22:24Is it rye jelly and fever?
22:25No, it's your jokes.
22:27Captain, if humor is failing, then logic dictates...
22:29Damn it, Spock!
22:31No time for your Vulcan logic.
22:33It's time for the June Taylor dribbles.
22:35It's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the June Taylor, it's time for the
23:05Spark it to me, baby!
23:26I'm a spaceship man.
23:29Spaceship man soaring off to Mars and other lands.
23:35And I think it's going to be a long, long trip.
23:41And I think it's going to be a long, long trip.
23:49And I know it's going to be a long, long trip.
23:55Beat me up, Scotty.
24:06This show sucks.
24:14The cops run the pennant?
24:16This must be an alternate universe.
24:18Pardon me, mister.
24:24Perhaps you can be of some assistance.
24:26What can I do for you, little boy?
24:29My daddy purchased me a Wauwi pop, which I believe has already been partially concerned.
24:34If that is indeed the case, what evidence do you have, little boy?
24:39Well, I guess that's the way they're making them these days.
24:45I find that highly illogical.
24:51I'm sorry, I can't give you a refund.
24:54In that case, I have no recourse but this.
24:58Wah, wah, wah.
25:01I'm quite distressed.
25:03Wah, wah, wah.
25:05Hey, hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?
25:09Why, it's Sammy Davis Jr.
25:13Hey, hey, who upset my groovy Vulcan kid?
25:17Hey, hey, wait.
25:18This is your father?
25:19Hey, man, you're not the only cat who gets around the galaxy.
25:23Look, Daddy, a defective Wauwi pop.
25:27Wow, that's a bigger bite than my agent takes.
25:35Hey, man, you had better get him a new lollipop or I'm going to beam my foot where the sun don't shine.
25:49I think I'd better find my supervisor.
25:52Yeah, you better.
25:53Is there a problem?
26:03Not that I can see, baby.
26:04You must have set your phasers on stunning.
26:07Well, perhaps we should go back to my quarters and discuss this in private.
26:13But, Daddy, what about my Wauwi?
26:16Go play in space traffic, Junior.
26:18Can't you see Daddy's trying to get a star date?
26:20Captain, how long do you think my body can take this kind of pounding?
26:35Picture yourself on a boat on the ocean with marzipan stones and butterfly bread.
26:55Someone approaches.
26:58You answer directly.
27:00A guy with a toadstool for a head.
27:08Billy in the air with spiders.
27:11Spiders.
27:13Billy in the air with spiders.
27:18Billy in the air with spiders.
27:21With spiders.
27:22Billy in the air.
27:24My face.
27:37The final frontier.
27:39And the boundaries keep getting pushed back.
27:47Captain Sloan.
27:48A 58.
27:49Hey, we've just completed the first voyage on what we hope will be a five-year mission
27:54of entertainment and variety.
27:57There is no theory, fact, or permutation of fact that will allow for that occurrence.
28:02Well, McCoy, do you have anything left to say?
28:05Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an entertainer.
28:08That is the first rational statement you have ever made.
28:11Ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:12See you next week!
28:31Spice Girls Audition, Sumo Spice.
28:33Take one.
28:34Do you want me to do this?
28:36Yes.
28:37I'm sorry.
28:46Don't forget to leave your picture.
28:52No, Billy, it's a cat while I'm talking to you.
28:54Hey, Fred.
28:55I'm on TV.
28:57Maeve!
28:58You are now watching the TV.
29:02Maeve!
29:03Killer porch.
29:16Stan, a little piece of advice.
29:18Next time you walk a girl home, try walking at the same speed.
29:22Ah!
29:23Okay.
29:24Okay.
29:25Duly noted, Senator.
29:26Right.
29:27Got you.
29:28Oh, anyway, that was an amazing evening.
29:32I had no idea you were such a great dancer.
29:34Well, yeah, I do cut quite a rug.
29:39I went to junior high with boogaloo shrimp.
29:48God, you are so sexy.
29:50I swear, I've met the most boring men since I've moved here, but you rock!
29:54Well, I owe it all to the city-roasted Pahoaho mountain home.
29:58Uh, speaking of which, I'm getting a little low, so I probably ought to scoot.
30:02Oh, no, Stan.
30:03Okay.
30:04I like you.
30:05Yeah.
30:06You make me feel wild.
30:07Uh, uh...
30:09You make me feel like there's something wrong with my pants.
30:15Uh, say, is that a cat?
30:18Yeah.
30:19Oh, I love cats.
30:20Hey, come here, kitty.
30:21Goodbye, bud.
30:22Come here, kitty.
30:23He's a little skittish.
30:25Yeah.
30:26Okay.
30:27Okay.
30:28Okay.
30:29Okay.
30:30Okay.
30:31Okay.
30:32Okay.
30:33What's his name?
30:35Scootsie.
30:36Well, uh, Scootsie doesn't like to be petted, does he?
30:41Well, actually, you scared the crap out of him.
30:44Well, we all fear what we don't understand.
30:46That's true.
30:48So, are you gonna offer me a sip of that, or what?
30:51Oh, well, this is a little potent for the layperson.
30:54It'd probably blow your head off, I'm afraid.
30:57I actually have a feeling I can handle it.
31:00Uh, uh, uh, uh, say, is that...
31:03Is that one of those swingy, rocky things?
31:05I love these.
31:06Yeah.
31:07I love these.
31:08Well, let's see what she's got under the hood.
31:11Okay.
31:12Okay.
31:13Okay.
31:14Okay.
31:15Okay.
31:16Okay.
31:17Okay.
31:18Okay.
31:19Dan, slow down.
31:20I...
31:21Bring it down.
31:22Okay.
31:23Okay.
31:24Okay.
31:25That's nice.
31:26Okay, okay.
31:27I just like the feel of, the feel of the wind in my eyes, is all.
31:28Yeah, well.
31:29You've got great eyes.
31:31Uh, uh, uh...
31:32uh uh uh hot is it hot out here all of a sudden is it just me i don't know let's try cooling you
31:40off uh uh your turn oh okay why don't i just put that back the way it was
31:47stan you're a tease okay okay you've got your hand on my knee yeah i know i just put it there
31:56but that's kind of my personal space is all really is this okay okay okay okay like uh
32:06uh look i'm not sure what it is we're doing but i am sure i've never done it before so
32:13forgive me if i'm a little nervous a little freaked if you will
32:17you're forgiven okay so so uh so we're cool yes stan we're very cool okay all right okay okay
32:26all right we're coming back now aren't we i feel better that's great i feel better
32:31didn't we just have this conversation yeah we did
32:36there's uh
32:45there's more of that inside
32:57and i'll put on a pot of coffee okay
33:06spice girls audition man spice take one
33:19look here um i'm here cause uh i'm interested in this whole spice girls thing besides that i'm
33:33gonna be down with some girl pop you know no more you know what i'm saying
33:37not only that look here i think i can sing and dance
33:44next you don't know what i'm saying dude
33:56let me talk to you man let me know
34:02you are now watching mad tv
34:05man
34:06dep dep
34:12hi carrie hi chris
34:17who are you again
34:19susan whitfield this is my make out party
34:22my mother thought it would be a good idea to invite some popular people
34:26oh okay dip hey is julie hayes come tonight she's really hot
34:31i'm not sure
34:33good dip
34:34thank you it's onion dip which might not be the best idea for a make out party
34:39unless you're me because no one wants to make out with me even if i eat toothpaste dip
34:45yeah hey where can i wipe my hand
34:49use my shirt
34:50hi justin oh hey susan great party so when does the making out start
35:04um you can make out with me and don't be afraid of my eye
35:08i used some makeup and i guess i was allergic to it so i got pink eye
35:12but i don't think it's contagious at least not highly contagious
35:17so you want to make out maybe later
35:21hello hello little horndogs
35:26my mother
35:27it looks like it's time to play a little game called spin the bottle
35:33mother please go away
35:35susan shut up mel has passed out upstairs and i want to have a little bit of fun
35:42okay just don't embarrass me
35:45oh susan i'm not trying to embarrass you sweetie
35:49i'm trying to get you some action
35:52poor sweet pathetic little girl
35:57okay let's start the games
36:00round up everyone round up
36:03round up
36:03round up
36:04okay
36:05we all know the rules
36:07you spin the bottle
36:08wherever it lands
36:09that is who you must kiss
36:11yeah that's cool
36:12oh but before we begin
36:13i do need all of the girls
36:15to go upstairs and help the housekeeper
36:18make mummy another highball
36:20mother and i'll
36:21susan shut up
36:22who is going to kiss you
36:25with all of the normal pretty girls here
36:28up you go ladies
36:30that's not cool
36:32boys this is going to be fun
36:35and there we go
36:37battle
36:38okay
36:38who's first
36:39oh we have a group of shy ones do we
36:43okay
36:44i choose you
36:46oh
36:49uh no the coach doesn't like me to uh
36:51spin the bottle
36:52well chris it looks like it's you and me there buddy
37:06that's it my turn's over
37:12yeah me too no more turns for me that's okay
37:14we're done
37:14that's okay
37:15because if i were you i wouldn't want to kiss me either
37:18because i have a big canker sore on the inside of my mouth
37:21susan shut up
37:22okay who's next
37:24all right i choose you
37:28oh you are a cute one isn't you susan
37:31justin's really cute he makes my upper lips sweat
37:35you know what um i can't uh i think uh mixing of the races is still illegal in this county
37:42spin the bottle
37:44there we go
37:49spin spin spin do do do do do do
37:51look at that
37:53let's break the law little one
37:56okay mother cut it out
38:00you invited these boys here for me to make out with
38:05and i know i'm not like miss america
38:08but it's what's on the inside that counts
38:11and i don't mean inside my lip where i have a big canker sore
38:15but inside my heart where i'm not like such a bad person
38:20well said susan
38:25let's make it a democracy
38:27who would you rather make out with
38:30susan
38:31or me
38:32thank you boys
38:36you're next little one
38:43spice calls audition sexy spice take your own
38:52hi i'm sex what over here okay hi i'm sexy spice actually my name is susan whitfield but my mom made up sexy spice because she said it was better than the name i came up with scoliosis spice
39:04and i'm here because my mother said i either had to do this or audition for pippin at the community theater and i thought i had a better shot at this because it takes way less talent
39:16my mother said i had to find something to get out of the house because her boyfriend lenny doesn't like the way i look he said it always looks like i'm smelling something bad and i said i am it's lenny and she said it doesn't matter what he smells like he's paying for my car so shut up just do the song please oh okay
39:40just do the song please oh okay
39:42i'll tell you what i need what i really really need i need a huh i need a huh i need a huh i need a huh i need a huh oh okay
40:10this is what we do in between funny skits fat and sugar it's what comedy is made of funny
40:40that's our show folks see you next week
41:10so
41:15so
41:21so
41:24so
41:29so
41:30so
41:32To the right amount of money, she'll be anybody's bitch.
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