- 3 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 13
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome James Brown, Jr.
00:30Uh, solid, uh, tough, mayo, uh, feel good, kiss yourself, good guy, got a little honey, make it hot, uh, so, thank you, man TV, see ya, get back, uh.
00:50Man, uh, come on, yeah, yeah, uh, come on, come on, man, man, you're so.
01:00Man, uh, come on, man, you're so crazy, you drive me home.
01:24So what do you think, honey?
01:41Do I look like a first-rate professional businessman?
01:44Honey, did you even shave?
01:46Twice.
01:47It's those damn triple-blade razors.
01:50They just don't give me the close shave I need
01:52to make me a first-rate professional businessman.
01:54Ron, if you don't get a promotion today, I'm leaving you.
01:58It's the fault of those damn triple-blade razors.
02:01I wish there was a better razor, a way better one.
02:04You know?
02:06Well, now there is.
02:10Spishak presents the Mach 20.
02:12With 20 blades, we guarantee you the closest shave of your life.
02:16That could be the edge I need to make me a first-rate professional businessman.
02:19It sure could.
02:21Watch this.
02:23You see, the first blade cuts the facial hair.
02:25But before the hair can snap back, the second blade cuts it again.
02:29The third blade cuts it once more.
02:31The fourth blade cuts it again.
02:32The fifth blade goes deeper, digging below the first layer of skin to remove the hair follicle.
02:37The sixth blade cuts away that pesky second layer of skin where there might be some renegade
02:42hair follicle.
02:43The seventh blade cuts away six more layers of skin, ensuring that hair will never, ever grow
02:48there.
02:48The eighth blade sends an electronic pulse to the center of the brain, which destroys the
02:53part of the brain responsible for hair growth and four other non-essential functions.
02:57The ninth blade gently smooths out the jawbone to give your face a more even appearance.
03:02The tenth blade removes cavity-causing tartar, and the eleventh blade starts the process
03:07all over again.
03:08By the time the tenth blade passes over your face, you're a first-rate professional businessman.
03:15That promotion is as good as yours.
03:18Thanks, Spishak.
03:18You saved our marriage.
03:20The Spishak Mach 20.
03:23Coming soon, the Lady Spishak Mach 20.
03:27For all of your most personal female shaving needs.
03:29In celebration of Black History Month, the CBS Television Network is proud to present Celine Dion
03:52in her first annual Martin Luther King Day special.
04:07Hello, my friends.
04:08Hello.
04:11Oh, who is that beautiful woman behind me?
04:14Oh, wait.
04:15It is me.
04:18Hello.
04:18I am, of course, Celine.
04:20Welcome to my special honoring the great Martin Luther King Jr.
04:26You know, the blacks, or as they are called in my country, Le Chocolat, have endured.
04:35They have endured a great deal of suffering through the ages.
04:40And I find what is better to heal the suffering than a song from Celine, no?
04:49This is my gifts for the blacks.
04:53You are welcome.
04:56Pas de quoi.
05:02Jimmy cracked the corn and I don't care.
05:07Jimmy cracked the corn and I don't care.
05:14Oh, Massa.
05:16Massa's gone away.
05:29Stay tuned for more Celine Dion's Martin Luther King Day special
05:33with special guests, Celine Dion.
05:37Yeah, girl, I'm waiting on him now.
05:42You sure he cute?
05:44Trust you, I should kick your ass for the last guy you set me up with.
05:47Looked like Dennis Robin and Erko had a baby.
05:50Oh, girl, I spotted him.
05:51Oh, and he is fine.
05:53Bet you got a lot of money, too.
05:55Girl, I got to go.
05:56Hi, I'm Mark.
06:00And, uh, some beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.
06:02Oh, hi, Mark.
06:04I'm Bonifa.
06:05And you're lovely.
06:08Mm, thank you.
06:11Bonifa.
06:11That's an unusual name.
06:13Not really.
06:14It's African.
06:16It means the first and the 15th.
06:23No.
06:24Really, I've never heard it before.
06:26Oh, you ain't never heard it before?
06:28No, no.
06:28So what, you one of them brothers with shame of his heritage?
06:30No.
06:31Okay, let me tell you something, brother.
06:32We're black, okay?
06:33And I'm proud of being black.
06:34I'm proud of my heritage.
06:36So, you know, if you can't understand that, you can get to stepping.
06:37You know what I'm saying?
06:38No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:39I'm proud.
06:40All right, then.
06:42Look, I hope we're not getting off to the wrong foot,
06:45because from everything Sonia told me about you,
06:47you've got it going on.
06:48I mean, you're intelligent, successful,
06:50and obviously very, very pretty.
06:53True that, true that.
06:56So, um, you ever eaten here before?
06:59Mm-hmm.
06:59Yeah, they got really good seafood.
07:00Oh, really?
07:02Yeah.
07:02You know what? You should try the halibut.
07:04It's delicious. You'll love it.
07:04Uh, uh, wait a minute.
07:06I know you ain't trying to order for me.
07:08Well, no, no, because you asked me.
07:08Okay, okay, let me tell you something.
07:10You don't order for me, okay?
07:11My own mama don't even order for me.
07:13You know, why a man got to take it upon himself,
07:15you know, to decide what I'm going to be putting in my mouth?
07:17And speaking about putting things in my mouth,
07:19don't think you're getting anywhere on the first date,
07:20because you ain't my baby, Jack.
07:25So, um, what you do for a living with your fine self, Mark?
07:32Well, um, I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.
07:37Oh, you never met Michael Jordan?
07:39No, actually, I haven't.
07:40Oh.
07:43I wonder if they got scrimps here.
07:44Uh, well, I'll check the menu.
07:49I think they do, yeah, yeah, they have, uh, shrimp
07:52with, um, tartar sauce.
07:56Good, but I like mine with ketchup and mayonnaise.
08:01Well, you know what, I'll get the, I'll get the waitress.
08:03Oh, so you think I can't get her?
08:06Let me say, what, why a brother always got to be taking control from a sister?
08:10You know what, you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for your mama.
08:13Bet you don't even remember her birthday, ungrateful bastard.
08:18You know what?
08:20You a fine chocolate prince with your beautiful brown eyes.
08:28Okay, look, Benifa, um, I just came out tonight to meet you and have a good time.
08:35Oh, I'm having a good time. I'm having a great time.
08:36Really? I hate to see you when you're having a bad time.
08:40I said I'm having a great time. Why, you not having a great time?
08:44Well, no, I didn't say that.
08:45So what you're saying?
08:46Well, I'm just saying that...
08:47So what you're saying?
08:47Well, I'm trying to say...
08:49Why are you trying? Just say it.
08:50Well, I'm saying...
08:51So what you're saying?
08:52Look, if you would just let me talk for a second...
08:53Well, mom, I ain't stopping you.
08:56All right, what did I do?
08:57What did I do?
08:58What did I do?
08:59What did I do?
09:00What did I...
09:01What did I do?
09:03Look, you...
09:04I don't know why you're tripping like this.
09:06You know, I just came out here in good faith, you know, to get to know you.
09:11You know, I didn't come here for all this drama.
09:15You know what?
09:17You're right.
09:19You're right. I'm tripping.
09:21School me.
09:22You go, boy.
09:23School me.
09:27Okay.
09:28Yeah, I will.
09:30So, you guys ready to order?
09:33Go ahead, black man. Do your thing.
09:35Handle it.
09:37Uh, yeah.
09:39Um, I have the steak and lobster.
09:41And, uh, she'll have the shrimp.
09:42Hey, hey, hey.
09:43And I don't want that.
09:45What you mean?
09:45That's what you said you wanted.
09:47Yeah, I said that earlier.
09:49But I changed my mind.
09:50You know what?
09:51If a brother would check in with his sister every now and again,
09:54you would know what I was thinking.
09:55No.
09:56See, but Lou, Mr. Squirtle, the store had to take it upon himself to be a little mind reader.
09:59Please, dear brother, what you want to do for me next?
10:01Eat my food?
10:03Why didn't you just ask me?
10:04You're kind of asking me.
10:05Why didn't you just ask me?
10:06Why?
10:07Because I would have gave you one more reason to open your damn mouth.
10:09That's why.
10:11You know what, Bonifah?
10:12I got three words for you.
10:14Fair-a-pea.
10:15Take the hint.
10:19I don't want to eat.
10:27Shonda, yeah, it's me.
10:29It happened again.
10:32Girl, he left.
10:33I don't know why.
10:34I mean, I thought we were having a good time,
10:36and all of a sudden, he just, like, started tripping for no reason.
10:42You're right, girl.
10:44You're right.
10:45Men are dogs.
10:46They ain't no good dogs.
10:49Oh, yeah?
10:51What's his name?
10:53Well, find out what he's doing tonight.
10:54Damn, I need somebody to pay for this dinner.
10:57Yeah.
11:05We now return to Celine Dion's first annual Martin Luther King Day special.
11:12Yes, thank you.
11:17Thank you very much.
11:18And thank you.
11:20And you are welcome.
11:23You know, before the show tonight,
11:26my assistant,
11:27she gave me a photograph of Martin Luther King,
11:31so I would know which one he is.
11:33And I looked at that photo
11:36and at that proud face
11:39and in those kind eyes,
11:42and I was once again reminded
11:45of just how beautiful I am.
11:49The greatest love of all is me.
11:58He, he, he, he, he, he.
12:20And now to honor the great Martin Luther King,
12:24my wedding photos.
12:25Stay tuned for more of Celine Dion's
12:43Martin Luther King Day special
12:44with special guests,
12:46Celine Dion
12:47and more wedding photos of Celine Dion.
12:56Snapshot stories with Nicole Sullivan.
12:59That's when I heard someone coming.
13:00Surprise!
13:01Surprise!
13:03May!
13:09May!
13:11We now return to Celine Dion's
13:14first annual Martin Luther King Day special.
13:17But enough about me.
13:20I'm here to say that I think
13:22that racism is bad.
13:24I'm going to go out on a limb
13:25and say that racism
13:27is very, very bad.
13:31I remember
13:33the day that the slaves
13:36were freed
13:37back in 1986.
13:40It was a wonderful day
13:43for Le Chocolat
13:43because,
13:45how do you say,
13:46how do you say in your language,
13:47because Celine
13:48looked ravishing
13:49in her Gucci dress,
13:51no?
13:51Oh,
13:52I am so happy.
13:54Look at me.
13:55Look at me, Mariah.
13:59Look at my devil-may-care attitude,
14:02no?
14:03But what is missing?
14:05Ah, yes.
14:06The man of the hour.
14:08It is time now
14:09to honor
14:10the Reverend Martin Luther King.
14:15For he is a jolly good fellow.
14:19Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
14:26Thank you, thank you.
14:35Thank you, and thank you, and thank you, and you are welcome, and so are you.
14:40It is an honor to meet you, Martin.
14:43Miss Dion, I am not Martin, I'm Miss Sundexter.
14:47Yes, and on behalf of my late husband, I'd like to say thank you very much for having us here.
14:52Late husband? No, I'm sorry, you cannot be late for Celine, no.
14:56I came all this way to sing the song.
14:58Miss Dion, my father was assassinated.
15:01Well, I don't care what religion he is, he cannot be late.
15:05Martin is dead.
15:07Oh, mon dieu.
15:10When did this happen?
15:121968.
15:15Oh, well, this is very sad indeed.
15:16He never got to see the slaves freed, no?
15:20But even worse, he never got to hear Celine sing, no?
15:24Can we please get on with a tribute to my late husband?
15:28Oh, you are beautiful.
15:29If you wanted to sing with Celine, all you had to do was ask.
15:33No, no, no, no.
15:34We don't want to sing.
15:35My son, Dexter, is going to reprise Dr. King's famous speech,
15:38I Have a Dream.
15:39Oh, well, that sounds lovely.
15:40Thank you for watching Celine Dion's Martin Luther King Day special.
16:09Hey, guys, what's up?
16:27Hey, ma'am, what are we doing?
16:28I don't know, but whatever we do, I've got to take my little sister along and my parents
16:32instead.
16:34Hey, come on, dude, can't you ditch her, man?
16:36I would never let my little brother jerk me around.
16:37I can't.
16:38My folks would kill me.
16:39Stop it.
16:40Don't.
16:42Look, man, why don't we hang out at Eddie Duddy's basement?
16:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:45I can't.
16:45She'll tell my parents about the Playboys.
16:47No, no, Playboys.
16:48We're like naked ladies.
16:50He likes naked ladies.
16:50No, I do.
16:51I do not.
16:52I do not.
16:53Hey, man, we could just, like, stay here.
17:00No, I can't.
17:01My parents would kill me if they found out I had her in here.
17:04You guys don't feel like going to see a bug's life, do you?
17:08Yo, what are you, gay?
17:09He's gay.
17:10He's gay.
17:11Be quiet.
17:11Stop.
17:12Just be quiet.
17:13Just don't.
17:14Just get lost.
17:15Please stop.
17:17Hey, I heard Dickie Fowler might be having a party.
17:19Oh, man, his parties are cool, man.
17:21Hey, thanks, they're cool.
17:22Thanks, they're cool.
17:23Thanks, they're cool.
17:23Stop it.
17:24See you.
17:25Just shut up.
17:27Shut up.
17:28Shut up.
17:29Just get.
17:30Oh, that's who comes from.
17:33Hi, Will.
17:34Hey.
17:34Hi, Brittany.
17:35We love you.
17:37He loves you.
17:38He loves you.
17:38No, no.
17:39Be quiet.
17:40Don't do that.
17:40Stop it.
17:41Megan, no, just quit it.
17:42Quit it.
17:42Stop.
17:43Don't move.
17:44How's it going?
17:45Good.
17:46I heard you made the football team.
17:48Oh, yeah.
17:48Well, you know, just, just center, so.
17:50Hey, what's his bag?
17:51No, I...
17:52Hey, what's his bag?
17:53What's his bag?
17:54No, just be quiet.
17:59Oh, my God.
18:01I'm sorry.
18:02You okay?
18:04You okay?
18:05You okay?
18:06You okay?
18:07You okay?
18:09You okay?
18:10You okay?
18:11He throws like a girl.
18:20Brittany, wait.
18:21Would you just stop it, please?
18:22Brittany, stop it.
18:23What are we going to do?
18:23I don't know, man.
18:24All right?
18:24We need you, man.
18:25I don't know.
18:27Just quit.
18:28No, just ignore.
18:29Just ignore.
18:29Just ignore.
18:30I do not.
18:31Hey, man.
18:31How are we going to get there?
18:35Let's take our bikes.
18:36Swim.
18:36I can swim, I can swim with the bag pegs.
18:37He's got a swim.
18:38I'm just going to go all the way.
18:39He's going to break out.
18:40I'm done.
18:40He's got a friend.
18:41He's a man.
18:42I'm stuck in you.
18:43I'm stuck in you.
18:43He's got a gun of these pegs on the back.
18:44Will.
18:45Will.
18:46Will.
18:47Listen, Frank.
18:47Get out of here.
18:48We are talking.
18:49Hey, don't you ever touch my sister like that.
18:50I'm making you troll your sister, man.
18:52They ain't about to bother me.
18:53Just shut up.
18:57Just like Mom does.
19:03Just like Mom does.
19:04Just like Mom does.
19:04Just like Mom does.
19:05And now, Snapshot Stories with Nicole Sullivan.
19:15It was a glorious day out.
19:17I was happy as a clam.
19:19And so I decided to take a nice walk around the studio lot.
19:26Then I saw someone else was out having a nice walk.
19:30It was Alex Borstein.
19:31I know her because she's a cast member I act with on the show.
19:38What a nice day for a walk, I said.
19:41Sure is, said Alex.
19:43We talked about badminton, working out, and darts.
19:51Well, bye.
19:53And so we went our merry ways.
19:55Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
20:00Then I noticed someone getting out of the elevator.
20:03Someone I'd never seen before.
20:06Did I know her?
20:08I know.
20:09I'll take a closer look.
20:13Nope.
20:14I told her that she was more than welcome to be a guest here on the lot,
20:18but that she needed to have a security pass.
20:22Then, security guard Reggie came by.
20:25I asked him to help the nice woman.
20:28He said that he would be more than happy to give her a security pass
20:32and that she could stay as long as she wanted.
20:36She said, that's okay, I'll come back some other time.
20:41Well, back to work.
20:44Then I saw Will Sasso, who was allowed to be on the lot because he acts on the show, too.
20:51I told him how nice I was to the woman.
20:53And if she showed up again, he should be nice to her, too.
20:57That's when I heard someone coming.
20:59I bet it's her.
21:01We should hide by the stairs and give her a surprise welcome.
21:05Surprise!
21:08Suddenly, Will said, that's my Aunt Betty.
21:11She's visiting from out of town.
21:15What a coincidence, I said.
21:17This is some small world, huh?
21:20It sure is, said Will.
21:22You can say that again, I said.
21:25Then Will's Aunt Betty said,
21:27It was a good thing you did, Nicole, because now I have a security pass.
21:32I said, why don't we all sit down and get to know each other a little better.
21:37It was so much fun.
21:39I've forgotten how wonderful it is just to sit around with friends,
21:43and especially to get to know my new friend, Aunt Betty.
21:47But it was time to go.
21:51And so I was off.
21:52And Will said, I have to go, too.
22:02And Aunt Betty said, wait for me.
22:05I want to say goodbye to Nicole before she goes.
22:09I have a great idea, said Will.
22:11Let's all get together tomorrow.
22:14That'd be just swell, I said.
22:16You know, I think we all learned something that day.
22:21Meeting new people is one of life's greatest joys.
22:25This has been a Snapshot Story with Nicole Sullivan.
22:35This is my first time to use a machine, you know.
22:39You were nice and loaded to help me.
22:46Are you having trouble finding your ideal mate?
23:01How about any mate?
23:03Do you fear you'd be the last man or woman on Earth still not getting any?
23:08Are you using roofies to score?
23:10And yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams.
23:15Well, wake up, sleeping ugly.
23:17Because your only hope is lowered expectations.
23:20Our video library allows you to choose from thousands of chronically rejected singles
23:25just as hard-up and pathetic as you.
23:27So good luck.
23:28You'll need it.
23:29Gina, number 294.
23:32Hi, my name is Gina.
23:34And I'm looking for a fun, loving guy.
23:37Murder.
23:38Someone who likes long walks.
23:42Murder.
23:42Murder.
23:42Someone who likes nice, quiet dinners.
23:45Murder.
23:46And beautiful music.
23:48Murder.
23:49And someone who looks at relationships as a two-way street.
23:53I'm not expecting, murder.
23:54You to treat me like a queen.
23:57Murder.
23:58I'm just a down-to-earth woman who, murder, loves people.
24:02So, if you like fun, murder, then give me a call.
24:09Murder.
24:11Gina, press pound 294.
24:26You know what?
24:26I'm actually going to be another minute, so why don't you go ahead.
24:28Oh, thanks to you.
24:35No problem.
24:38Hello?
24:40Hello?
24:43You have to put your card in.
24:46Yeah, okay.
24:49Hello?
24:50Come on, I need the money.
24:55Ma'am, ma'am, you have to put your card in.
24:57Otherwise, it doesn't know you're here.
25:00Okay.
25:01Oh, thanks to you.
25:03This is my first time to use the machine, you know.
25:06You're a nice lady to help me.
25:09Yeah.
25:10No.
25:10You know, why don't I go first, and I'll show you how it works.
25:17Oh, no.
25:20Hey?
25:22Take it and go.
25:25Oh, come on.
25:27Okay, take it and go.
25:31Come on, you're being rude.
25:33I'll give you something to you.
25:34Ma'am, you have to turn the stripe that way.
25:36Okay, okay, let me do it.
25:38Oh, okay.
25:40Take it and go.
25:43There we go.
25:43Okay, now it wants to know English or Spanish.
25:47But that's a stupid machine.
25:49I think it is obvious that English is my native tongue.
25:55I'm sure it is, but why don't you let the machine know that?
25:58Okay.
25:59English?
26:00No.
26:02Is it English?
26:02No, ma'am, you have to press the button.
26:04What, English?
26:05Hey, come on.
26:07You'll wait your turn.
26:08All right, I will wait my turn, but you have to hurry up.
26:11You're taking a long time here.
26:12Okay.
26:14Now, press in...
26:16Yeah, okay, go ahead.
26:18There we go.
26:19Now, press in your password.
26:22What is the password?
26:23I don't know what your password is.
26:27You don't...
26:28Don't you remember?
26:30They gave you a password when you went to the bank to get your card.
26:33You signed up and you punched a bunch of numbers.
26:36Yeah.
26:36Okay, okay.
26:36The secret number.
26:37Secret numbers.
26:38Yeah.
26:38All together the numbers.
26:39All together the numbers.
26:40Right.
26:41What's your password?
26:42If I tell you, then it's not the secret.
26:45Oh, good point.
26:47Good point.
26:48Yeah.
26:48You're tricky, did you?
26:49No, that's right.
26:50Why don't you just punch it in, then?
26:51Punch it in, then.
26:52Punch it in, then.
26:55Okay, but you don't look.
26:56Nope.
26:56Won't look.
27:00I'm not looking.
27:01I'm not looking.
27:01There we go.
27:15Okay, now it wants to know if you want to withdraw or deposit.
27:18Yeah, I have a tink.
27:22Withdraw or deposit?
27:24Yeah, you know that withdraw the deposit.
27:26You withdraw, you want to withdraw.
27:28Come on, fancy pants, I tell you.
27:31All right, fine, you can tell me, but you're taking an awful long time here.
27:34We got a line, this is our lunch break, and you're taking way too long at the machine.
27:41You used to be so nice to me.
27:44Where did the love go, lady?
27:49You know this is my first time using the ATL.
27:52I know, I know.
27:52And now you make me feel like a dirty little whore.
27:58What?
27:58You call me a dirty little whore.
28:00He didn't call you a dirty little whore.
28:03No, but you were thinking it.
28:05No, I wasn't.
28:07No, no, no.
28:08I was thinking that you'd just take too long at this machine.
28:12Well, what the difference?
28:14Well, one is a rather small prostitute who doesn't bathe very much,
28:20and the other is someone who just takes too long at this machine.
28:24Okay.
28:25Okay.
28:26Okay.
28:26We're all set now.
28:28Why don't you press withdraw, please?
28:29Withdraw.
28:30Yeah, press withdraw.
28:31Withdraw.
28:31Yeah, thanks.
28:33Thanks.
28:33Here I go.
28:34Here you go.
28:35I'm going to press it.
28:36Okay, good luck.
28:37Here you go.
28:38That's fun.
28:48I bet that's fun for you.
28:49You know what?
28:50Talk it to me.
28:50Yes, I bet it is.
28:51Okay, now it wants a dollar fifty server charge.
28:53Just press okay, and we'll be on our way.
28:56Dollar fifty for what?
28:58Because using the ATM is supposed to be such a time saver.
29:03But this is taking so long.
29:07I don't know if you should pay me the dollar fifty.
29:09Just press the button, lady.
29:11No way.
29:12What do you think?
29:12I just followed the box charts wrong.
29:14Well, there's no such thing as a box.
29:16Yeah, ladies.
29:16I'm not going to pay the money.
29:17All right.
29:17Here.
29:18Right there.
29:18Here.
29:19I'm going to cancel yours.
29:20Take that.
29:20I'm going to show you how it's done.
29:22Okay.
29:23Watch that.
29:24Watch that.
29:24How much do you want, lady?
29:26Uh, $7.99.
29:28You can't take out $7.92.
29:32You have to round up.
29:33Oh, $7.94.
29:36No, you have to round to an even number.
29:38Watch, watch, watch.
29:39Not $7.98.
29:41Watch this.
29:41Watch this.
29:42Watch this.
29:42Here we go.
29:43Here we go.
29:43Here we go.
29:44Here's $20.
29:45Round up to $20.
29:46Have a nice day.
29:48Thanks to you.
29:52Oh, look at the deposit.
29:55Okay.
29:55We're going to try this again, Mr. Moneybags.
30:01Only this time, we do it in Spanish.
30:06Hola.
30:07¿Qué pasa, mi amigo?
30:09¿Qué?
30:10¿Qué tú quieres?
30:12Okay.
30:13Rapidamente, uno.
30:15Rapidamente, uno.
30:17La cucarabana.
30:18Pimps say the darndest thing.
30:31What do you think of girls?
30:36Me!
30:36Lowered expectations.
30:51Bonifah, number 187.
30:54Hi.
30:54My name is Bonifah, Latifah, Halifah, Sharifah, Jackson.
31:00What you laughing at?
31:04And see, I got a job of my own, so I need a man to give me nothing.
31:07You know what I'm saying?
31:08But I am looking for someone who wants to, you know, like, take me to special places, like, the Sizzler, or go to movies that we could talk through.
31:19You know, not some tired-ass brother trying to knock a sister's boots, you know, as soon as he meets her on the first date.
31:25You know why?
31:25Because I ain't going down like that, you know what I'm saying?
31:28You must be out your damn mind to think you're going to hit it and put it on the first date, because I ain't going down like that.
31:32Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
31:35I am looking for that special someone, you know, that I could pamper with, like, ooh, ooh, ooh, like back rubs and, like, ooh, foot massages, you know?
31:44Because I'll do all that as long as you're planning to stick around, you know?
31:48Because if you like using me to get what you want, then look in my eye.
31:52I will cut you deep, okay?
31:55Because I don't have to talk.
31:56Let me tell you something.
31:57I came into this world alone, and damn it, I'm going to leave it alone, so I ain't tripping.
32:01But you know, call me.
32:03You know what I'm saying?
32:04And you white boys can call me, too, because, like, as far as I'm concerned, vanilla and chocolate still make chocolate.
32:13For Bonita, Latifa, Khalifa, Sharifa, Jackson, press pound, one, eight, seven.
32:25Hi, I'm Charlie Sheen.
32:28I have a very important message for you kids out there that might think that using drugs is cool.
32:34Well, I took drugs, lots of drugs.
32:36And, uh, in the beginning, I had a lot of fun with it.
32:42A lot of fun.
32:44More fun than any of you will probably ever have in your lives.
32:47At the time, Robert and I and these showgirls got this sweet at the Four Seasons, and we got blasts out of our minds and were...
32:54No, Charlie, that was bad.
32:57Bad memory.
33:01I got addicted, and my life became a living hell.
33:03I no longer knew who or where I was.
33:06One night, uh, I remember I couldn't even tell my driver how to get to this chick's house.
33:13I never did get to see her that night, and believe me, she was a real piece of ass.
33:19One night, I, uh, spent, uh, so much money on cocaine that I could only afford, uh, three call girls.
33:32But I'll never forget the night that I hit rock bottom.
33:36I remember I woke up at a strange person's house, and I, uh, I rolled over to look at the girl passed out beside me.
33:43And believe me, she was, uh, no supermodel.
33:49She was just a regular model.
33:56And, uh, I had problems with women, too.
33:59It's true, I hit women, but, uh, looking back now, I can honestly say that, uh, not, uh, all of them deserved it.
34:06So, uh, if you think that, uh,
34:14you think that drugs are cool, please listen to me.
34:16They are, at first.
34:20But then you get addicted, and, uh, of course you can't use drugs again until you're off probation,
34:26which for me is, uh, June 2000.
34:31Holy crap.
34:34How the hell am I gonna get through that?
34:36Year and a half.
34:37This fall, the address is CBS for Fun Family Programming.
34:56You love him on Cosby, and kids say the darndest things.
35:00But Bill is back with a whole new show.
35:03Pimps say the darndest things.
35:05My first question to you is,
35:10what do you think of girls?
35:15Man, I ain't trying to think about no bitches.
35:17I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
35:22That's one of my hoes now.
35:23Bitch better have my money.
35:25Pimps, tiny white boy,
35:27what do you want to be when you grow up?
35:31Shoot, I just hustling these bitches, making some crazy bank that I get enough money to go to astronaut school.
35:37That's right, I'm-I'ma be an astronaut, live on Mars, get me some Martian ass, shoot.
35:40He's going to get him some Martian ass.
35:45Champagne, do you know who invented taxes?
35:52What?
35:53Come on, Champagne, I need you to say some darn things.
35:58Tell me, do you know how much a house costs?
36:01What the f*** are you talking about?
36:08I've been waiting like forever for you to haul your tired Jell-O-eating ass down to my end of the stage.
36:16And you gonna play me for a fool?
36:19Yo, you better-you better give me my money.
36:20There's nobody here.
36:23Just some cutesy, itsy-bitsy darn things.
36:27Yo, you brought me all the way out here, and there ain't no money?
36:33You better give me my money.
36:35You understand me?
36:35Pimps say the darndest thing.
36:37Sundays at 9, just after Touched by an Angel.
36:40You understand me?
36:42I will binge you over good.
36:43You understand me?
36:44This ain't it, bro.
36:45Coming this Christmas from 20th Century Fox.
37:00Is it true the aliens have threatened to destroy Earth unless we surrender?
37:04Let's just say we've received some very disturbing transmissions.
37:08The aliens have arrived.
37:10Mr. President!
37:11Mr. President!
37:12Alright, alright, alright, just calm down.
37:15As you know, we face a very grave situation here.
37:20There's only one man who can save us.
37:24Reckon you fellers are talking about me?
37:27I give you Sling Blade.
37:29Billy Bob is back.
37:32Sling Blade, will you be flying into space to kill the aliens?
37:35I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody.
37:38Yes, hopefully that won't be necessary.
37:40We're hoping that Sling Blade will bond with the aliens,
37:43and sort of the way he did with that little boy in that movie.
37:46Which you were fabulous in, by the way.
37:50That whole French fried potatoes thing was hysterical.
37:53Oh, that was a hoot.
37:53And you know who else was good?
37:55Dwight Yoakam.
37:55He really surprised us.
37:57Rebo, focus.
37:58Focus.
37:59Sling Blade.
38:01It's up to you.
38:04What if them little fellers end up being the whole side meaner than they ought to be?
38:07Well, then, we'll just have to play hardball.
38:13What happens when you take the low-key charm of Sling Blade
38:16and pump it full of $160 million worth of kick-ass action?
38:20Reckon you alien fellers have got it coming.
38:24I reckon I gotta kill you.
38:26James Cameron's Sling Blade 2.
38:28The Reckoning.
38:30Billy Bob Thornton is a one-man alien wrecking crew.
38:33But when he needs help, he turns to John Ritter as Bond.
38:38Okay.
38:40Back off, you monsters.
38:42I'm warning you, I've had some sangria.
38:45And I'm feeling a little emotional right now.
38:46Just...
38:47Also starring Jennifer Aniston in the role Sigourney Weaver Turned Down.
38:52Ooh, you barbarian!
38:55We came in peace and then you destroyed our people.
38:59No!
39:01You killed my father!
39:02Oh, God, I hate you!
39:05I hate you!
39:06I hate you!
39:06I hate...
39:08Hey...
39:09Hey you...
39:15Oh...
39:17Oh...
39:18Oh...
39:20Hmm.
39:20Sling Blade, how do you feel?
39:24Reckon I could use another six or eight cans of that potted meat
39:28if you got any extra eat.
39:30Oh, Sling Blade.
39:31I like the way you talk.
39:35I like the way you don't.
39:39Some call it the complete bastardization of an intelligent little independent film.
39:44We call it Sling Blade 2.
39:47Reckon you ought to hurry up, I'm running out of plasma charges.
39:50Look, is it, is it red to green or green to...
39:53I'm sorry, this is simply not my forte.
39:56If you leave out of here, take your tail.
39:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
40:01We stick it together.
40:03Besides, I'm...
40:04I'm having your baby.
40:07I doubt that very much.
40:09Ooh, no, Sling Blade's, baby.
40:10I'm having Sling Blade's.
40:12Maybe.
40:12We're going to want to put my arms around you two for a minute.
40:18I'm married.
40:20Sling Blade 2.
40:22The Reckoning.
40:23Carl's back.
40:24And this time, he's got a budget.
40:27Hasta la vista, baby.
40:29The Reckoning.
40:29Thank you once again for watching.
40:49You at home, you people here.
40:51We're going to be back next week bringing the heat again.
40:54We out.
40:55We out.
41:25And thank you.
41:42And you are welcome.
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