- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 14
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:00You are now watching Mav TV.
00:04Mav!
00:07Hey, Star Wars fans.
00:09I'm actor Billy Dee Williams, but you know me better as...
00:14Lando Calrissi.
00:17Seriously, Star Wars has been pretty darn good to me,
00:21but I've got something in my life right now that's treating me a whole lot better.
00:25I'm talking, of course, about the fantastic world of exotic massage.
00:33Now, whoa, whoa.
00:35I know what you're thinking.
00:37You're thinking, Lando, are you talking about what I think you're talking about?
00:42I sure am.
00:43It's fantastic.
00:45You get all the benefits of a regular therapeutic massage,
00:48plus you get to have your pancake flip.
00:51Oh, Bambi, that's great.
00:56Now I'm hooked.
00:58Now you're asking yourself,
00:59how can I get involved in Lando Calrissian's world of exotic massage?
01:03It's easy.
01:04All you have to do is send me Lando Calrissian.
01:08Just send me your money,
01:09and then I go out and have myself an exotic massage.
01:13Wow.
01:14Smells like white chocolate.
01:16Think about it.
01:17Through my movies, I've given you folks a great deal of pleasure over the years,
01:21and now it's time for some payback.
01:24Now, here comes the exotic part.
01:28Now remember,
01:30a real Star Wars fan wouldn't let old Lando go out and pay for this himself.
01:35No, sir.
01:36A real Star Wars fan would say,
01:38Lando,
01:39the next one's on me.
01:41Thanks in advance, Annel, if you'll excuse me.
01:43It's time to feel the force.
01:50Annelie, let's take it out of my chest.
01:52Send your check or money order to
01:54Lando Calrissian's amazing world of exotic massage,
01:57P.O. Box XXX, Van Nuys, California, 91405.
02:00Oh, yes.
02:02I hope there's a sequel.
02:13Come on, come on, come on.
02:15Man, man, you're so crazy.
02:21Tonight on MADtv, special guest Tony Little, Dweezil and Amit Zappa, and the Vancombe Lady.
02:51Very good!
03:09How's everyone?
03:14We've got a great show for you tonight, a lot of fun, a lot of funny sketches, so stick
03:19around!
03:21This is what we do in between funny skits, fat and sugar, it's what comedy is made of.
03:45We're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, you got me, you got me, you got me, you
03:54caught me eating a little lady finger.
03:56These are good, you know what I like to do?
03:58I like to ever since I was a girl, I pull them apart and I lick the cream out of the middle
04:01like this.
04:02So, Johnny McD, we have got our favorite guest back with us today.
04:15No, no.
04:16Yes?
04:17Barbara Streisand!
04:18Ah, ah, ah!
04:22Please help me give a very warm welcome to the biggest star in the universe, Barbara Streisand!
04:35You are so gorgeous!
04:36Barbara, when I was a little girl and then the Christmas album and then my dog ran away...
04:52What the hell are you talking about?
04:54Sit, just sit!
04:55Oh, do you mind if we stand?
04:57It's just that I look so slender next to you.
04:59You know, Barbara, this is like a dream come true for me.
05:04I know, it is for most people.
05:05Hey, you like what we did here with the little set-a-rooney?
05:08Did a flipsy-doodle to flatter your little profile?
05:11Huh?
05:12Looking pretty.
05:13Don't show the ugly side, just show the pretty side.
05:16Pretty!
05:17Pretty!
05:18Hey!
05:19Fuck!
05:20Pretty girl!
05:21Rosie, promise me you will never sing again and I won't tell jokes.
05:24Alrighty, so, Lustreisand, you are back again here with us.
05:28Something else you want to plug?
05:30Ah, ah, ah!
05:33Anyway, you know how Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee made that fakakta sex tape and somehow it got out?
05:38Oh, my God, yes, that was terrible.
05:40I mean, that Tommy Lee is some kind of camera hog, huh?
05:43I kept saying, more Pammy, more Pammy!
05:46Ooh, she is some piece of ass, huh?
05:48That was in your mouth.
05:50Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
05:52Dr. Douglas, it really helped boost her movie career.
05:55Oh, I'll say, give her some of the...
05:57Ah!
05:58So, James, that's James Brolin, my gorgeous fiancé, formerly the star of TV's Hotel.
06:02Oh.
06:03He suggests we videotape our own lovemaking.
06:05Isn't that crazy?
06:06Ah, ah, ah!
06:09Well, we made the videotapes, they got stolen, and now, somehow, they're available to buy.
06:15Oh, my God, Bob.
06:16Mm-hmm.
06:19We had no idea.
06:20I know, to be exploited, and in that way, my own personal amateur sex videotape for anyone to buy.
06:26Oh, my God, who would do such a thing?
06:27I have no idea.
06:28It's just, it's, it's so personal and real.
06:31It's horrible.
06:32You know what?
06:33This is just awful.
06:34I mean, I can only imagine what was on that tape.
06:36You don't have to, I brought a clip.
06:38Oh!
06:39What?
06:40What?
06:41What?
06:42What?
06:44Ooh!
06:45Ooh!
06:46Papa!
06:47Papa!
06:48Papa!
06:49I can feel you!
06:51Oh, Bob!
06:52Oh, oh, Papa, Papa, Papa, I can feel you.
07:06Oh, James, yes.
07:09Oh, stop, more Vaseline.
07:10Okay.
07:11No, on a lens, you putz.
07:13And you, move my key light, I'm getting shadows.
07:16Ah, Jason, now you're in the shot, you idiot.
07:19Mom, stop with the name calling already.
07:20Oh, Jason, now the shadows are worse.
07:23You couldn't light your own ass gas, you're fired.
07:25I'm sorry, Mother.
07:27Now we have to do this again.
07:29Uh, I don't know about that.
07:33Oh, Babs, I'm enjoying our impromptu intercourse.
07:37You are so young and beautiful.
07:39How young?
07:41You have the body of a 35-year-old.
07:43Younger.
07:44Uh, 25.
07:4620?
07:4715.
07:48Bingo.
07:48I don't think I can hold out much longer.
07:52Oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:55Oh, keep your head in the pillow.
08:00Memories.
08:03Still young and firm and hot.
08:07Don't tell me I'm too old to make a flick.
08:10My agent says I'm still one juicy chick.
08:13People, you lucky, lucky people, finally you get to see your feet.
08:27Wow, huh?
08:39Wow!
08:40You know, I would say that I need a cold shower, but I'm already soaked.
08:44Ah!
08:45I would like to see the Academy ignore you for that one, huh?
08:49Director's note, James is much larger than he appears on camera, and I'm much smaller.
08:52Ah, ah, ah!
08:56Ignore him.
08:57I think you looked magnificent, Dave.
09:00Well, I thought majestic more than magnificent, but regardless, I do not want your viewers to
09:04buy that videotape.
09:06Do you hear her?
09:07Do not buy that tape.
09:11Barbara, please know we are on your side here.
09:15Just make sure it's my left side.
09:16Ah, no jokeroonies!
09:18And no singing.
09:20Thank you, Rosie, for letting me open up to you like this.
09:23Oh, and may I return the favor for you someday, huh?
09:26Mwah!
09:28All righty-bighty, stick around.
09:30We got the little girls from Facts of Life coming up the backstage in the half-naked and
09:34crazy!
09:34Ah!
09:35I can't wait to you!
09:37Glow show and blaring tootie-toe and rolling around with Natalie.
09:40You to Facts of Life is great!
09:42Here we go!
09:42Facts of Life!
09:43Oh, come on!
09:44Whoa!
09:44Whoa!
09:45Whoa!
09:45Whoa!
09:46Whoa!
09:46Whoa!
09:47Whoa!
09:48You are now watching MADtv!
10:11MAD!
10:13Jason, all of us here at Westerberg High are very happy that you've been able to work
10:23through your problems and come back to school.
10:25Thanks, Principal Colbert.
10:27Uh, you know, the violence and the anger, it's all behind me.
10:30Yeah.
10:30Yeah.
10:31Of course it is.
10:32Yeah.
10:32Um, unfortunately, the state does require that before you return to class, you sit down
10:38with a guidance counselor and, uh, have a little chat.
10:40It's nothing hard, just, uh, quick conversation.
10:43All right, good, because I-I just really want to come back to class.
10:46Uh, you know what?
10:50Yeah!
10:58Yeah!
10:58Yeah, hello, your mental health professional has arrived.
11:02And I'd say just in time, you boys know the rules.
11:06No drug peddling on school property.
11:08I'm the principal.
11:11Yeah, and if I had three more quotas in here, I'd have change for a dollar.
11:18Um, Jason is, uh, very vulnerable.
11:21Yes, he is.
11:22I know.
11:22And we wouldn't want to do anything to them.
11:23Thank you very much for the file.
11:24I appreciate your concern.
11:25Take care to sir with love.
11:28Bye-bye.
11:30Okay, that's enough coddling for you, young man.
11:33I deal in tough love.
11:35Now, someone in this room is what we like to refer to in the most complex of medical terms
11:41as a nut job.
11:44And I'll give you a hint.
11:46It's not me.
11:47Okay, let's get down to brass tacks now, shall we?
11:51I know I went a little crazy, but I'm sane now.
11:54Mm-hmm, of course you're sane.
11:55It's your hairdresser who's crazy.
11:58Okay, let's see here.
12:00Fights, fails classes, abandoned, adopted, confidential, don't tell student.
12:08Oop, my bad.
12:10Adopted?
12:11Yeah, let's just pretend I didn't say that.
12:13Abandoned?
12:14Yeah, would you like some nuts?
12:16Oh, there I go again.
12:18Sorry about that.
12:20Jason.
12:21Hold it together.
12:22There, Peter.
12:22Oh, there he goes.
12:25I have no parents.
12:26Ah, it's too bad.
12:27Thanks for sticking with that.
12:28I have no parents.
12:29Next.
12:31Okay, you must be...
12:33Laurentiak Hamill.
12:34Of course you are.
12:35Keep your hands where I can see him, sweetie.
12:37Okay.
12:38Um, well, like, I just moved here, and all the kids are being so mean to me because they
12:44know my father's rich.
12:45Mm-hmm.
12:45And when's the baby due?
12:48What made you think I'm pregnant?
12:50Statistics.
12:51And then, of course, there's that big stomach of yours.
12:54Wow.
12:55Okay.
12:56So all the kids are being mean to you.
12:58Now, that can't be your only problem.
12:59What else brings you here?
13:01Other than your little fat girl legs.
13:04I have little fat girl legs.
13:05That's good.
13:06Say it as a statement, not a question.
13:07You made your first step to recovery.
13:09Thanks for stepping in.
13:10Oh, my God.
13:10But please, please help me.
13:11I really need some advice.
13:12Of course you do.
13:13Less eye shadow, more exercise.
13:15Don't let the door hit your big ass on the way out, Tootie.
13:17Bye.
13:20You know, I could really have you fired because you don't even know who my father is, do you?
13:24No, you poor dear.
13:25I don't, but I'm sure you'll find him.
13:27Just drag a $50 bill through the free clinic.
13:30See who turns up.
13:31Okay.
13:31Thanks for jumping in.
13:32Take care.
13:34That's a girl.
13:35Bye-bye.
13:36Oh, little thing.
13:37Oh, well, hello there.
13:39Looks like I got me Beavis and Butthead.
13:42Excuse me?
13:43It's so good that this school doesn't discriminate against those lower on the food chain.
13:48Don't worry, boys.
13:49Opposable thumbs are very overrated.
13:53Look, we just want information about joining the Marines after school.
13:56Mm-hmm.
13:57Okay.
13:57You two and the Marines?
14:00Yeah, you know what?
14:03Yeah, no.
14:04See, there's that whole don't ask, don't tell policy, and I don't, you know.
14:08Excuse me?
14:08What are you talking about?
14:09We're not gay.
14:11Then why are you wearing those pants?
14:14My mom got me these pants.
14:16Is your mom gay?
14:18Excuse me?
14:19I don't know why you're doing this, but you better watch it.
14:21Okay, sir, don't you threaten me.
14:23You cannot go around beating up women.
14:25Well, not unless you're a professional athlete, then the fans just look the other way.
14:32Oh, what's the rush there, kingpin?
14:34You got ants in your pants or a little balloon of heroin in your stomach?
14:39Boys, I need you to evacuate right away.
14:41Oh, evacuate, that's a big word.
14:42You might want to keep it under two syllables for Lenny and Squiggy here.
14:45Shoo, shoo, there you go.
14:50Take care of it.
14:51What can I do for you, principal?
14:54You know that boy who was in here first, Jason?
14:56Mm-hmm.
14:56He's running around the school shooting people with a rifle.
14:59Does he take requests?
15:03You know what?
15:04You are the worst counselor I have ever seen.
15:07That boy was fine ten minutes ago, and now he...
15:10You're fired!
15:13Okay.
15:14Well, thanks so much for letting me work here at Westerberg High.
15:17And thanks for letting me sleep with you.
15:20What are you talking about?
15:21I never slept with you.
15:23Oh, boy, well, then there's a janitor in this school with a big smile on his face.
15:27Okay.
15:28Let me just sign up on these papers here.
15:31Just pack up your stuff.
15:32When I get back here, I want you gone.
15:34Do you understand me?
15:34Okay, sounds like a plan.
15:40But then again, plans can change.
15:54Coming Thursdays, Fox will see you in court.
15:57I will prove, ladies and gentlemen, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that the accused, Gary Granville, with malice aforethought, viciously, savagely, and brutally murdered his own wife.
16:13Order! Order!
16:15She's a new kind of prosecutor fighting crime in her own way.
16:19So you lied when you said that you saw the accused in the restaurant at exactly 8 o'clock.
16:23I didn't lie.
16:24Objection, Your Honor.
16:26Prosecution is badgering the witness.
16:27Your Honor, I am just trying to get at the truth here.
16:31Objection sustained.
16:36Miss Fontaine?
16:38Are you okay?
16:41Miss Fontaine, I'm really sorry.
16:44Just you're badgering a very little bit.
16:47You know what?
16:48I might have said 8 o'clock, which technically isn't true.
16:52All right, you know, I'm going to have to advise you to watch yourself then, okay?
16:55You see what you just did here?
16:56Um, I'm, I'm really sorry.
16:59Jenny Fontaine always gets her way.
17:03Ma'am, I'd like you to tell this courtroom the argument you witnessed between the accused and the deceased.
17:08Um, they were in the back of my cab and Mrs. Granville seemed to have been drinking quite a bit.
17:15Anyway, they got to arguing and that's when she slapped him.
17:18That is not what you said in your statement.
17:20Yeah, it is.
17:21No, it is not.
17:22You said that you witnessed the accused slap his wife.
17:25No, I didn't.
17:27Your Honor, I have a signed copy of the statement right here in which the witness wore undeniably that...
17:37Oh, Miss Fontaine?
17:39Miss, Miss Granville had been drinking.
17:45They argued and, uh...
17:47Oh, she slapped him.
17:49Oh, that could just be a typo.
17:52I mean, that's, you know, that's an easy mistake.
17:54I mean, she slapped him.
17:56He slapped him.
17:56I mean, if you're typing fast, you know.
17:58Well, I'm moved that this witness's testimony be stricken from the record.
18:02I agree.
18:02I don't know what I'm talking about.
18:05Admit it, Mr. Granville.
18:07You saw your chance, didn't you?
18:09So you snuck out of that restaurant, you went back to the apartment, and you murdered your wife, didn't you?
18:14Stop!
18:15It was me!
18:15I did it!
18:17We'd been having an affair.
18:19She wanted to break it off.
18:20I couldn't stand the thought of losing her.
18:24So I went back to the apartment and killed her.
18:28Or maybe not.
18:33Don't cry.
18:37You know what?
18:38Come to think of it, I probably did kill her.
18:41I mean, in fact, yes, yeah, I did.
18:43I did.
18:43I sleepwalked out of the restaurant in Cleveland to the airport and caught a plane back to New York.
18:50This could happen.
18:52Yeah, then I killed her, sleepwalked back, and got back to the restaurant in...
18:58Time for dessert.
18:59See, it's all starting to make sense now.
19:01Yeah, she's absolutely right.
19:03I'm guilty as hell.
19:05Jenny Fontaine, emotional prosecutor.
19:07Thursdays at 9, right here on Fox.
19:11Uh, Wednesdays at 9.
19:13Tuesdays?
19:17Whenever.
19:23Coming up next on Man TV.
19:26Hello, my name is Tobias.
19:28How can I help you?
19:29Here comes Gary.
19:30Get away from that, baby!
19:35Go!
19:37Peaceful, soothing, relaxing, serene, gentle, tranquil, calm, pleasant, refreshing.
19:42Me!
19:42You are now watching Man TV.
19:51Get on your feet.
19:52It's time for the Anti-Depressor Size Minute.
19:54The Totally Hot Exercise Minute for folks on antidepressant medication.
19:58And now here's your host, Charlotte.
20:01Hey, everybody.
20:03I'm Charlotte.
20:05Hey, Charlotte!
20:06Oh, okay, wow.
20:07Welcome to the show.
20:10Uh, depending on how the meds are affecting your short-term memory,
20:14I may need to remind you from last week that these exercises are safe,
20:18whether you're on antidepressants, serotonin reuptake blockers,
20:22or on mood-stabilizing MKO inhibitors.
20:27Depending on how the meds are affecting your short-term memory,
20:30I may need to remind you...
20:32Okay, let's get stretching.
20:36Jim, start the clock.
20:39Okay, if you're comfortable with that, everyone, are you...
20:42Let me see if I am.
20:46Yeah, yeah, I am.
20:47Okay, great, great.
20:49Let's start the clock, Jim, okay?
20:51Great, great.
20:52Oh, oh, Jim.
20:53Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
20:54No, I changed my mind, I changed my mind.
20:55I don't like the music.
20:56I don't like the music.
20:56Okay, okay, let's change it.
20:58Let's put back on my music, Jim.
20:59My music, please.
21:02Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
21:03That's nice, that's nice and calm music.
21:06Yes, it is.
21:07Oh, oops, better start that clock, huh?
21:09Okay, let's start with some kicks, some nice kicks.
21:12And remember, if you want to stop, you just stop.
21:15It's okay with me.
21:17Okay.
21:17Whoa, why is that time going so fast?
21:23Time isn't that fast.
21:25Slow it down, Jim.
21:27Okay, see, now that's still awfully fast for time.
21:31Jim, Jim, what are you doing to me?
21:34I just want to fit it with these people.
21:37What are you doing, then?
21:39Slow down, time.
21:40Okay, that's better.
21:46That's better.
21:48All right.
21:49And let's start.
21:50And we're going to kick and kick and deny and regret and deny.
21:58And who's got dry mouth?
22:01Raise your hand.
22:02I've had it for over a week.
22:05Hey, little guy, what you doing up there?
22:07Come on back home.
22:10Okay.
22:11Great.
22:12Okay, now we're going to reach and reach.
22:15We're going to remember and cry.
22:18Remember and cry.
22:21And Daddy's going to remember and cry.
22:25I don't want to do anymore.
22:28I think I'm done for right now.
22:30And, um...
22:32Yeah, I'm okay with that.
22:34Okay.
22:35Okay, so, um, we'll see you next...
22:38Wow, pretty colors.
22:41Jim, sweet Jim, start that cock!
22:46This has been 60 seconds of heart-pumping, antidepressor-sized action with Charlotte.
22:51Stop looking at me with your lustful eyes.
23:14Why doesn't my brain give your pants a rise?
23:17You only want to see me with my legs spread.
23:20Well, just look at all these big books that I've read.
23:24I go to bed at night to read, not to wet your dream.
23:31Though I writhe half-nakedly, it's not at all what it seems.
23:35Just a piece of gel-bait, baby, that's all you see.
23:42Why can't you try to view me more intellectually?
23:48If you really want to take me higher, you've got to write some poems like Maya.
24:04To be wicked smart is my battle.
24:07Oh, look, an appliance to straddle.
24:11Don't try to cop a big field.
24:14I'm busy being pensive.
24:17Do you know how hard it is to find a word that rhymes with pensive?
24:27Expensive!
24:29Expensive lines!
24:30Stupid!
24:31I'm not just some barely legal tard.
24:35I do lots of stuff that makes me smart.
24:38So if you embrace my high IQ, I'll do lots of naughty things to you.
24:46I go to bed at night to read, not to wet your dream.
24:52Though I writhe half-nakedly, it's not at all what it seems.
24:57Just a piece of gel-bait, baby, that's all you see.
25:05Why can't you try to view me more intellectually?
25:27Daddy, where's Barney?
25:33Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. Barney was all booked up.
25:36But Daddy got the next best thing, sweetie.
25:38He got Dinosaur Dogger.
25:42Well, he better get here soon, because everybody's bored.
25:48I'm really sorry. I missed the boss.
25:50That's okay. Let's just get the show on the road, shall we?
25:52Okay, just give me a minute to put on my costume and to get into character, if that's all right.
25:55That's fine, but please hurry, because the kids are very restless.
25:58Okay.
25:59Okay, kids, stop throwing things.
26:01Everyone, let's get ready, because we're about to see Dinosaur Dog.
26:08Sweetie, turn on the video camera.
26:09I don't want to miss the looks on the kids' faces.
26:12Uh-oh, uh-oh.
26:16Hey, stop that. Please, stop that. Stop that.
26:18Okay, kids, ice cream's on its way. Excuse me.
26:20Can I see you over here? Over here? Over here, please.
26:23Over here? Yeah.
26:25What's going on over there?
26:26What? What do you do?
26:27Honey, that was way too scary for little kids.
26:29Really? Yeah.
26:30Okay, you're the boss.
26:31Yeah, it needs to be a lot more playful.
26:33Playful?
26:34Playful, yes.
26:35Something more playful?
26:36Yeah, like juggling.
26:37Oh, she's got a point. Kids love juggling.
26:39Yeah, they do.
26:40You know, in prehistoric times, dinosaurs mostly hunted prey.
26:44To my knowledge, dinosaurs never juggled.
26:47Okay, dinosaurs that want to get paid, juggle.
26:54Oh, gee.
27:00You suck!
27:03Bow!
27:04Oh, my!
27:05Okay, it's okay.
27:06Okay, it's okay.
27:07Get down from there, sir.
27:08Yes, ma'am!
27:09Yes, ma'am!
27:10Get down from there, please, yes, yes.
27:11Okay, kids, dinosaur dog forgot his manners there for a moment.
27:14Wasn't that something?
27:15Get over here!
27:16What now?
27:17What?
27:18You don't know?
27:19You don't know?
27:20Helen, calm down.
27:21You know, for a raptor, this is really friendly.
27:23Oh, well, then...
27:24You know, last year we had a mermaid that did a lovely sing-along.
27:26Yes.
27:27The kids were crazy.
27:28Exactly.
27:29Does Dinosaur Dog have a song?
27:30A song a dinosaur would sing?
27:33Yes, like that Barney on that cute little TV show.
27:36Yeah, Barney.
27:37I don't know.
27:38Ahem.
27:39I don't think so.
27:42You're killing me, lady.
27:43Okay, kids, everyone get ready.
27:47Dinosaur Dog's gonna sing you a song!
27:50Yay!
27:51Yay.
27:52Yay.
27:55Oh, everybody loves a fuzzy dinosaur.
28:00Oh.
28:01Oh, oh, gosh.
28:02Okay.
28:05Run, everyone, run!
28:07Oh, my angel!
28:08Oh, my angel!
28:09Honey, do something!
28:10Sweetheart, just stay still.
28:11He'll lose interest.
28:12Dad will distract him.
28:13Hey, hey, buddy!
28:14Over here!
28:15Hey, come on!
28:16Get the ball out!
28:17Oh, God!
28:18Oh, God!
28:19Honey, are you all right?
28:20I think I broke a couple.
28:21Oh, no!
28:22Oh, no, buddy, move!
28:23I think I broke a couple.
28:24Oh, no!
28:25Oh, no, buddy, move!
28:26Ha, ha, ha!
28:31Oh, no!
28:32No!
28:36Get away from that, baby!
28:38You son of a bitch!
28:39I'm the one you want!
28:44God!
28:45Oh, God, is he dead?
28:50Yes, thank God!
28:52Oh, Bobby!
28:53It's okay.
28:54It's all over, baby.
28:56It's all over.
28:57Oh!
28:58Oh!
28:59Oh!
29:00Oh!
29:01Oh!
29:02Oh!
29:09No, Billy.
29:10I can't go out on Saturday night.
29:11Oh, Fred!
29:12I'm on TV!
29:13Saturday!
29:14You are now watching MAD TV!
29:19MAD!
29:22Get on your feet!
29:23It's time for the Antidepressercise Minute.
29:25The Totally Hot Exercise Minute for folks on antidepressant medication.
29:29And now, here's your host, Charlotte.
29:33Hey, everybody.
29:35Hey, I'm Charlotte.
29:37Hooray, Charlotte!
29:40Well, welcome to the show.
29:42And, um, I'd like to start with an exercise.
29:45How about this one?
29:47Put one arm here, one arm here.
29:50Hey, arms.
29:52And why don't you give yourself a big self-hug?
29:56And push down and forget.
29:58Push down and forget.
30:00And it's forgotten.
30:02See that?
30:03See how that works?
30:04That should help fill the void.
30:06If it doesn't, there's always cookie dough.
30:09Yay!
30:12I smell cinnamon burning.
30:14No.
30:15Okay.
30:16Okay.
30:17Today we have with us a very special guest.
30:19He's done over 5,000 television shows.
30:23It's exercise guru, Tony Little.
30:27Oh, Charlotte!
30:29Hi!
30:30Oh, hi.
30:31Hi, could you just tone it down just a little bit?
30:32Good eye!
30:33I'm gonna show everyone at home that's depressed how to exercise.
30:35How to increase their cardiovascular fitness and their mental fitness.
30:38Yeah.
30:39And we're gonna start with jumping jacks.
30:40Really fun ones.
30:41Okay, but jumping jacks...
30:42Watch this.
30:43Okay, go ahead.
30:44But they work against gravity to me, Willow.
30:45Well, that's important, right?
30:46Come on, just like this.
30:47You can do it.
30:48I like the standing jacks much, much better.
30:50No, you gotta do this.
30:51This gets you in shape.
30:52This makes you feel good.
30:53Okay, you know what?
30:54Go on, just like this.
30:55You know what?
30:56Someone's got some control issues, and I think he's bouncing up and down right now.
31:00No, no, no, no.
31:01You gotta do this.
31:02This makes you feel good.
31:04Okay, well, that seems really complicated, Tony.
31:06Oh, complicated.
31:07Life's complicated.
31:08Yes, it is.
31:09Yes, it is, Tony.
31:10Tony, what are you trying to prove there?
31:12I'm not trying to prove anything except for I'm happy, and you're not.
31:16Okay, you're scared.
31:17You're scared, Tony, because you help everyone else, and you don't help yourself.
31:21No, I am not.
31:22I don't need help.
31:23I'm fine.
31:24No, you do need help, Tony Tone Tone.
31:26You do?
31:27You do?
31:28Otherwise, you wouldn't be working so hard.
31:31Yeah.
31:32Working?
31:33Yeah.
31:34I want you to try some of my exercises.
31:37You truly do understand me.
31:38Yes, I do.
31:40Now, watch this.
31:41We go one, and two, and, hey.
31:45Try it.
31:46Try it.
31:47One, and two, and three.
31:49Oh.
31:50How's that working?
31:51How do you feel?
31:52My brain chemistry is altering.
31:53Yes.
31:54Yes, it is.
31:55Now we need you to alter, and regret, and forget.
31:57Alter, regret, and forget.
31:58See how easy that?
31:59Oh, now we're letting it all out.
32:00Good, good.
32:01Sobs are good.
32:02Now you need to curl into the fetal position, Tony.
32:03Curl into the fetal position.
32:04That's a point.
32:05Give me a couple more sobs.
32:06A couple more.
32:07Good, good.
32:08Now, for the folks at home, sobs are not only good for the heart and the mind, but they
32:21also work your abs.
32:22They give you a washboard stomach.
32:23Okay?
32:24I'm creepy.
32:25Of course you are, so am I.
32:27Tony, you are a very good exerciser.
32:29Oh, thanks.
32:30Nobody's ever said that before.
32:32Well, now someone has.
32:34Scoot over, bruiser.
32:35I'm coming in.
32:36Okay, folks.
32:37Thanks for watching, and I'll see you whenever.
32:41Okay.
32:42That's it.
32:43Sob it all out.
32:44Sob it all out.
32:46Daddy.
32:47Daddy.
32:48Daddy.
32:49Daddy.
32:50Daddy.
32:51Daddy.
32:52Don't hurt.
32:53That's it.
32:54That's it.
32:55That's it.
32:56This has been 60 seconds of heart pumping anti-depressor size action with Charlotte.
33:01Um, do you mind?
33:11No, go ahead.
33:12Thanks.
33:13Good book?
33:14Yeah, it's okay.
33:15But not as good as his last one.
33:16No.
33:17No, it isn't.
33:18The one you left in the laundromat, then you had to go and buy it again, and then you
33:20left that one in a cab.
33:21You know, you had to buy that book three times before you even read it once.
33:22How did you know that?
33:23Your name is Hank Richardson.
33:24You're supposed to be at work right now, but you called in sick because you hate your
33:25job.
33:26In fact, you're thinking about chucking it all and moving to the mountains.
33:27Okay.
33:28Well, how did you know that?
33:29How did you know that?
33:30Your name is Hank Richardson.
33:31You're supposed to be at work right now, but you called in sick because you hate your job.
33:33In fact, you're thinking about chucking it all and moving to the mountains.
33:43How are you doing this?
33:44Do you really want to know?
33:45Yes, I really want to know.
33:46Okay.
33:47See this box?
33:49It's a receiver.
33:50And about five minutes ago, I rammed a neural transmitting spike into the back of your head.
33:57What?
33:58I rammed a neural transmitting spike into the back of your skull.
34:02And the signals from your brain go right into this receiver.
34:05That's her, officer.
34:10That's the woman who rammed a neural transmitting spike into the back of my head.
34:14All right, lady.
34:15Put the receiver down.
34:16Or you'll shoot.
34:17You're darn right I will.
34:19Who are you kidding?
34:21Officer Brockman.
34:23Oh.
34:24Ah!
34:25Ah!
34:26Ah!
34:27All right.
34:30Well, that's the end of our little skit.
34:32What did we learn today, kids?
34:35Okay.
34:36Obviously, there's no such thing as a neural transmitting spike.
34:39But one thing there is plenty of out there are sharp, pointy bits of metal.
34:43And we all know that there's a real problem with kids today.
34:46Kids just like yourselves.
34:48Taking those sharp metal spikes and ramming them into the backs of other kids' heads
34:52and then pretending you can somehow read their minds.
34:54You think it's cool because the other kids are doing it.
34:57Well, as you can see from our little play, it's not cool.
35:00And it's not right.
35:02Now, Angela's going to be passing around some sharp metal spikes for all you kids.
35:08And I want you to think about what you've seen here today when you take them home.
35:11Think of all the fun, safe things you can do with pointy metal spikes.
35:15And also, think about how unhappy it made everyone in the play when Angela rammed them into their heads.
35:21Okay.
35:22That's all the time we've got today.
35:25But remember, pointy metal spikes aren't bad.
35:28But what you do with them might be.
35:31On behalf of myself and the rest of the Society for the Safe Usage of Pointy Metal Spikes Players,
35:37Good night and God bless.
35:47Oh, oh, thank you.
35:58Oh, no.
35:59This is too much.
36:07Hi, I'm Tony Little.
36:08Do you have trouble falling asleep?
36:09I know I do.
36:10Boy, do I ever.
36:11But those long nights of staring at the ceiling thinking about my abs are a thing of the past,
36:25thanks to drowsamine.
36:26Drowsamine is an all-natural sleep aid that's guaranteed to knock you out and keep you there
36:31all night long.
36:32It'll give you a peaceful, soothing, relaxing, serene, gentle, tranquil, calm, blessed, refreshing,
36:37double-like sleep you need.
36:39Just take one fast-acting tailwind and you'll be a dreamland in no time!
36:49Mr. Vaughn.
36:50Yes.
36:51Hello.
36:52I'm Dr. Warren.
36:53And I'm from the Florida Tourist Commission.
36:55And we're gonna be testing a new drug on you today.
36:57Can I get paid now?
36:59After.
37:00But first I need to ask you a few questions.
37:02Have you ever killed a tourist?
37:04No.
37:05Oh, good.
37:06Have you ever invited a tourist home or given a tourist erections or smiled at a tourist?
37:12No.
37:13Yes.
37:14No.
37:15Good.
37:16Would you mind taking this little pill for me?
37:18What does it do?
37:19It's an anti-hostility drug we're trying out, uh, gearing up for a tourist season.
37:24There's some water right there.
37:40Mr. Vaughn.
37:41This is Tobias.
37:43And he is a German tourist visiting our beautiful sunny state.
37:48Hello.
37:49My name is Tobias.
37:50Hello.
37:51Um, Mr. Vaughn, Tobias has a problem and I told him you wouldn't mind helping him out.
37:58Do you mind?
37:59No, not at all.
38:00Oh, terrific.
38:01I'll, uh, just be sitting over there while you two talk.
38:04Okay.
38:06Oh, you're welcome.
38:07My name is Tobias.
38:09I have lost my tiny pony.
38:12Your pony?
38:13Yes.
38:14And I'm in desperate need of finding him.
38:16Have you seen my pony?
38:17Um, no.
38:18I'm afraid I haven't seen him.
38:20Yes, but my pony, he is missing.
38:22He's very tiny.
38:23He's a tiny pony.
38:25He's chocolatey in color and his name is Gary.
38:28I have lost him in this area.
38:31Look, you're a tiny pony.
38:34I'm sorry, but, uh, I'd love to help, but I...
38:37How can I help you?
38:47I would like to find my pony.
38:49Come with me.
38:50You know, I miss my pony.
38:53My pony is so beautiful and tiny.
38:56Soon you'll be with lots of little ponies.
38:58Yeah?
38:59You'd like that, wouldn't you?
39:00Yeah.
39:01Here comes Gary.
39:02Gary!
39:10Well, that took all of three minutes.
39:12I'm sorry.
39:13Back to the drawing board, as they say.
39:15Oh, uh, we don't need that pony anymore.
39:21Am I okay?
39:22Mr. Bond, do you think you can come back tomorrow?
39:24Uh, can I get paid in cash?
39:26Uh, no.
39:28Okay.
39:29Okay.
39:58I believe it.
39:59I don't eat.
40:00Okay.
40:01I don't want to buy it.
40:02I'm sorry, I'll even leave.
40:03Who knows?
40:04I don't have to wait.
40:05I don't know.
40:06I don't want to put my money down.
40:07I think we'll be in the company.
40:08I don't want to buy anymore.
40:09I don't know.
40:12You're going to buy any money or not.
40:13I'm not going to buy any money.
40:15It's okay.
40:17I'm so excited.
40:19Okay.
40:20I'm so excited.
40:21I'm so excited.
40:22I'm so excited for this.
40:23I have to be a big guy.
40:25But I'm in my daughter.
40:26A big guy, I'm so excited to be a big guy.
40:27Are you enjoying this at home?
40:32I'm the tab of the world!
40:33Now that is...
40:33Wow.
40:34Good for you.
40:36Man!
40:44Yo, that's our show for tonight.
40:46See you next week.
40:47Same place, same time.
40:49We're out.
40:50Go!
41:27Oh, Papa.
41:41Oh, bad.
41:41Well, you better get here soon because everybody's bored.
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