- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 20
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching MADtv!
00:05May!
00:07There's a new game in town!
00:09Switch! Switch! Switcheroo!
00:12Look who's wearing a high-field shoe!
00:15Mom's now Dad, and Dad's now Sue!
00:17It's fun to switch my clothes with you!
00:20Introducing Switcheroo!
00:22The first cross-dressing game for the whole family!
00:25Roll the dice and try to collect as many switch-hitter cards as you can!
00:29Whoever gets in full drag first, wins!
00:32Switch! Switch! Switcheroo!
00:34What a week and girls can do!
00:37Mom's the butch, and Dad's the fem!
00:40The boys are girls, and the girls are men! Switcheroo!
00:43Switcheroo! From Spishack, of course!
00:49Alright, game's over, son!
00:51It's not a game, Dad!
00:59Come on, come on!
01:01Mad!
01:02Mad!
01:03Mad!
01:04You're so
01:06Mad!
01:07Crazy!
01:08Mad!
01:09Mad!
01:10Mad!
01:12Mad!
01:13Mad!
01:14Mad!
01:16Mad!
01:17Mad!
01:18Mad!
01:19Mad!
01:20Mad!
01:21Mad!
01:22Mad!
01:23Mad!
01:24Mad!
01:25Mad!
01:26Mad!
01:27Mad!
01:28Mad!
01:29Mad!
01:30Mad!
01:31Mad!
01:32Mad!
01:33Mad!
01:34Mad!
01:35Mad!
01:36Mad!
01:37Mad!
01:38Mad!
01:39Mad!
01:40Mad!
01:41Mad!
01:42Mad!
01:43Mad!
01:44Mad!
01:45Mad!
01:46Mad!
01:47Mad!
01:48Mad!
01:49Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, everyone, and welcome.
02:00Please, welcome, welcome, welcome to MADtv.
02:02For those of you tuning in, thank you for allowing us into your homes,
02:05and for the rest of you in our studio audience, trust us,
02:07it is a blessing and a pleasure to have you here tonight.
02:10Um, you know, I had, I'm kind of a little bummed,
02:14because I had something really special planned, because I like to sing,
02:16so I was going to, like, sing this song, and I had the music ready in the background and everything,
02:20and the producers said, no, you're not singing on tonight's show, you're always singing,
02:23we don't have enough time for it, and they said no, and that, you know, I'm kind of bummed about that.
02:28You know, but...
02:30You know what, because, I mean, if you think about it, the show ain't about the producers, it's about you.
02:42Right?
02:42Well, I don't have my little music with me and everything, and it's, time is running out,
02:48and we need to start the show, but I'll just say,
02:50Stick around!
02:53Can I get an amen?
02:54Amen!
02:55Amen!
02:56We've got a great show for you tonight!
02:59Can I get another amen?
03:00Amen!
03:00Right here on MADtv
03:04Why do you have to grab it in the background?
03:18That's what I want to hear.
03:19Oh, great!
03:23Notice that I can dance and keep the beat at the same time.
03:25It's a black thing, I'll teach you later.
03:26As the President's secretary, I saw nothing improper on the day in question.
03:39And was there anyone else allowed access to the Oval Office at this time?
03:43Uh, well, let's see.
03:44No one really, just the President's manicurist.
03:46All right, thank you, Ms. Curry.
03:48No further questions.
03:49This is a storm.
03:51We've been going at this for several weeks now,
03:53and you have yet to prove any of your allegations against President Clinton.
03:56It's beginning to look like a vendetta to me.
03:59I think you will find that this next witness will bear out the truth behind these allegations.
04:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is my good side.
04:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, I witness for Mr. Stark.
04:49I'm the star witness, you'll get it.
04:52I make a joke, remember, I love again.
04:57Lord, this audience of oil paintings.
05:02Okay, Ms. Swan, did you ever see Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office?
05:07Oh, yeah, Monica, I see her all the time, you know.
05:11She's a big tipper, you know.
05:13You know, she gave me this dress.
05:16You're saying that dress actually belonged to Monica Lewinsky?
05:19Yeah, yeah, I tell you, she's telling me she's a hot monkey in love with VIP, you know.
05:25And that she had to get rid of the dress, you know, so I take it.
05:29Okay.
05:30Gentlemen, this dress is the smoking gun I told you that I would deliver.
05:34I intend to submit that dress as evidence.
05:37Yeah, you know, I make it nice for you, too.
05:40It took me hours to get the stain out.
05:42You clean, you clean that dress?
05:46That's evidence.
05:47You realize what you've done?
05:49Okay, Mr. Starr, there is no way that my client could have known that.
05:51I insist that you stop badgering her this instant.
05:54Yeah, you take a chill pill.
05:56All right, fine.
05:57I'll drop the dress.
05:59Oh, you know, when you're angry, you look like Matlock, you know.
06:03I love Matlock.
06:05You know, he's crafty, you know.
06:06Yes, he is crafty, yes.
06:08Yes, he's crafty.
06:09All right.
06:10Now, Miss Swan, in your deposition, you swore that you saw Miss Lewinsky perform a sexual
06:15act with someone in the Oval Office.
06:17Yeah, yeah.
06:18I tell you everything, you know, the X-ray, the hardcore, you know.
06:22I go into the Oval Office, you know, in all darkness, spooky, you know.
06:29And I see poor Monica down on her knees working for the man, you know.
06:36She knew it all the time, no.
06:41And can you tell me what that man looked like?
06:44Yeah, to you.
06:45He.
06:46Yes?
06:46Looked like a man.
06:49I believe we pretty much established that, but can you describe the person?
06:54Yeah, okay.
06:54That's why I'm here.
06:56So what did he look like?
06:59He.
07:00Yeah?
07:01Looked like a man.
07:02All right.
07:03Dan, are we going anywhere with this?
07:06Senator, I assure you, we are.
07:10Now, if you would just describe that person for me, we'd surely appreciate it.
07:15Okay.
07:15He.
07:19Luca.
07:24Laika.
07:31Man.
07:31Miss Swan, did you not see the President of the United States?
07:40Yes.
07:41Okay.
07:41You not say President before.
07:43Okay.
07:44Well, I'm saying it now.
07:45Did you see the President?
07:47Yeah, okay.
07:48Yes!
07:49Ha, ha, ha, ha!
07:50It was him!
07:52It was the President!
07:53Yeah, yeah, yeah!
07:54Face, face, sight, taste!
07:57Yes!
07:58Yes!
07:58Clinton is mine!
08:01No, not Clinton.
08:02I not say Clinton.
08:04What?
08:05You just said you saw the President.
08:08Okay, you know the President like you, President like me, you know like a man.
08:12Oh, Mr. Starr, this has been a monumental waste of time.
08:16No, no, no, no, no, no.
08:17Thank you, gentlemen.
08:18No, no, no, no.
08:18Just give me 50 more million dollars in another 20 minutes.
08:22He looking like a man, he looking like a man, he looking like a man!
08:26Like a man?
08:27Yeah!
08:27You're okay, you crazy man.
08:31Okay, thanks.
08:32Ms. Swan, are you ready for that drink?
08:34Yeah, I drink with you.
08:35You know, I tell you, though, if Tipper Gore saw what I saw, she'd be pissed off.
08:42Wait!
08:43Wait!
08:57Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, fellow brown-nosers.
09:03This is Julie Brown with some of the juiciest showbiz news and gossip of the 21st century.
09:09I haven't seen this much dirt since they buried Louis Anderson.
09:12All right, all right.
09:13Now, before we start tasting those titillating tidbits, we've got some very, very special guests
09:18from the Where Are They Now files.
09:22Now, set your time machines back to the year 1997,
09:26when three adorable mobbets took the nation's charts and hearts by storm.
09:30Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Zachary, Teller, and Isaac Hanson!
09:37Oh, Wubba, Wubba, Wubba, Wubba, Wubba, you guys look great!
09:47I know you are, but what am I?
09:51Seriously, Julie, it's great to be here.
09:53Oh, you know, I remember your big hit single, M-Bop, from when I was a little girl, you know.
09:57I just love that song!
09:59Well, if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
10:01Ha, ha, ha!
10:02Oh, okay.
10:04Whoa.
10:05Pfft!
10:05Oh, it's so great to see you three haven't lost your boyish charm.
10:09Oh, so tell me, are you dating anyone yet?
10:12Ew, girls!
10:15I'm, uh, taking the head cheerleader to the prom.
10:18Ah, gross, you get cooties!
10:20Um, seriously?
10:21Uh, we're too busy to date girls.
10:23Oh, well, speaking of girls, the last we heard of Hanson,
10:26you guys were fleeing the country to avoid 24,000 paternity suits.
10:30Wait, we weren't fleeing.
10:32We were clear of all those charges.
10:33Wasn't there some kind of a witch fight?
10:34Seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously.
10:35Get my attorney on the phone.
10:36This is bull****.
10:37Hey, hey.
10:37Um, we just, um, we have to go back to school.
10:40School?
10:41In France.
10:43Seriously, French.
10:45So, what can we expect from Hanson in the year 2015?
10:49Seriously?
10:49Only the seriously, like, comeback of the year?
10:51Like, that's seriously all.
10:53We're younger and fresher than ever.
10:56Watch out, girls, Hanson's back.
10:57Yeah.
10:58So, I understand that you're kicking off your comeback with a brand new video, and it's called...
11:05Ling Ling!
11:06I'm sorry?
11:07Uh, it's the first single off our new album.
11:10It's called Ling Ling.
11:11It's catchy, huh?
11:12Yeah, it rocks.
11:13Totally rocks.
11:14All right, then.
11:15Well, there you have it.
11:16I give you Hanson and Ling Ling.
11:21Yeah!
11:23That's it!
11:35When I first saw you in school, you were so cute, I thought I'd done.
11:40And then I came to talk to you, my poor old moment, I was tired.
11:45And I said, Ling Ling, listen to me sing.
11:48Someday, little girl, you will wear my ring.
11:50Ling Ling, listen to me sing.
11:52Two little words that don't mean anything.
11:58Later on after school, we're playing kickball in the yard.
12:03Keep my hands off for you.
12:06Girl, it's getting pretty hard.
12:08I'm gonna brush my teeth and use some Listerine.
12:13I just can't wait, girl, till we move to Sweet Sixteen.
12:17And I said, Ling Ling, listen to me sing.
12:20If I were a bee, you'd feel my sting.
12:23Ling Ling, listen to me sing.
12:25You make me want to give up that wet tank.
12:27Ling Ling, listen to me right.
12:29You show me yours, I show you mine.
12:32Ling Ling, you're so fine.
12:34Call this number for a real good time.
12:37Ling Ling, you're getting a nice pair.
12:39Just so you know, I'm getting hair down there.
12:41Ling Ling, let us make it clear.
12:44Ready or not, we're the comeback of the year.
12:48You are now watching MAD TV.
13:16MAD!
13:16And now, a MAD TV classic.
13:23From Stephen Bochco, the producer who brought you Hill Street Blues, L.A. Law, and NYPD Blue,
13:30comes the most gripping, controversial, hard-hitting, action-packed, intense, and refreshingly different new show this season.
13:39What are you lounging around your sweet butts for?
13:42We got lunch rush!
13:43Tonight, on a very special L.A. Ballet.
13:45Tonight, on a very special L.A. Ballet.
13:49Tonight, on a very special L.A. Valet, tempers are in overdrive.
14:15All right, people, listen up. We've got reports of missing cassettes, combs, and other items of personal haberdashery.
14:22So stop the madness. Let's park some cars.
14:26Hey!
14:27Be careful out there.
14:29With special guest star Luke Perry as Benny, a special valet with a very special gift.
14:38Guy, guy, guy, guy.
14:39Just took up two spots. What's going on, man?
14:42Hey, you saying I do sloppy work?
14:44My dad was a valet parker and his father before him.
14:48This fest means something, assbite.
14:50Man, I'm just trying to help, okay?
14:52It's my ass getting bitten out there, too.
14:54Hey, don't tell me about assbite.
14:55Hey!
14:56If you do it on a bite to those asses, do it on your own time.
15:00It's high-octane relationships and full throttle drama.
15:06Hey, hey, hey, hey!
15:08What are you trying to do, grind coffee with that thing?
15:09I can't drive a stick.
15:16Jesus.
15:17Why don't you tell me sooner?
15:23I'll show you how to drive a stick, Bobby.
15:26And here's what the critics are saying.
15:29L.A. Valley takes the botch out of botch-go.
15:33You can't keep doing this, Stan.
15:35You parked a town car in a space reserve for compacts.
15:38All the spaces are starting to look the same to me.
15:40Yeah, but what about your son?
15:43I have a son.
15:44Do we need to talk?
15:45They'll take your vest away, Stan.
15:52Then you'll just be a drunk instead of a drunk with a vest, which means something.
15:55I have a son!
16:04Finally, a valet show that deals with valets as people, not just valets.
16:08Look at all these frickin' keys.
16:11How will we find the cars?
16:14Vanny, what?
16:24Vanny.
16:27Chevy Impala.
16:28Ashtray's full.
16:30Big van.
16:30Careful, let's put it in the back seat.
16:32No muzzle.
16:32Wish I knew colors.
16:34Porsche.
16:34Leather interior.
16:35BMW.
16:36Owner's short.
16:37Volvo.
16:37Sticky dashboard.
16:39Blue van.
16:40Tires at low.
16:40Steven Bochco once again is not afraid to turn over the rock that exposes the festering
16:45maggots below the surface of valet parking.
16:48You are a lousy valet, Gramovich.
16:51You're a disgrace to the uniform.
16:52Hey, man.
16:53Give him a break.
16:54You've been riding him some surf and turf night.
16:56Thanks.
16:58Partner.
17:01Who are you?
17:01I want my car, you idiot.
17:05Right away, man.
17:07You win, Bochco.
17:08How many shows can one guy put on the air?
17:10Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:11L.A. Valet.
17:13A mature show about mature subjects.
17:15If you're not mature enough to handle it, go f*** yourself.
17:19Coming soon from Steven Bochco.
17:21Here's a tip.
17:22Watch it.
17:23Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
17:30Now, I know you guys are all excited about the big concert tonight.
17:33Oh, yeah.
17:34And I understand you've been on your best behavior because you're particularly excited about seeing
17:38Mr. Johnny Cash.
17:42Well, unfortunately, as many of you may or may not know, Johnny's health hasn't been so
17:46great lately.
17:47So, unfortunately, he had to cancel.
17:50What?
17:50Now, now, wait a minute.
17:52Calm down.
17:54Fortunately for us, we were able to book a last-minute replacement.
17:57So, gentlemen, please put your hands together for the racists.
18:04Hello, fellow humans.
18:07Allow us to introduce ourselves.
18:09We're the racists.
18:12Hey, thank you.
18:13Thank you very much.
18:14And we sure are happy to be your guests tonight.
18:17So, get comfy because for the next two hours, we'll be entertaining you.
18:21Now, imagine yourselves in a high-security prison.
18:29Come with me, prisoner one, two, three, four.
18:32Let me show you to your new home.
18:34I'm scared.
18:35I'm the only white person in my cell block.
18:38There's no reason for you to be scared.
18:40These are all your brothers.
18:41They share the same hopes and fears.
18:43How do you think I feel?
18:45I'm in solitary.
18:47I sure hope the governor calls soon or I'm going to fry in this chair.
18:53You're right.
18:54We do have all the same hopes and fears.
18:57But that doesn't mean we can't have some fun.
19:00Huh?
19:01What do you mean?
19:02Just this.
19:04We're the racists.
19:08We're here to say
19:09We thought we'd do a show
19:11To brighten your day
19:12So why are you stuck here
19:14Doing time
19:15We thought we'd take a minute
19:16And bust a rhyme
19:18Wave, wave, wave
19:19You suck!
19:23Nice, guys.
19:23I don't think this is working.
19:25Let's go to our big finale.
19:26I'm way ahead of y'all.
19:27Behind these bars, you're truly all the same
19:36Each one of you is a number, not a name
19:42Take it, Debbie!
19:44Before you came to this institution
19:46You wanted to be rich
19:49Embezzlement was your only solution
19:52Now you're a poor man's bitch
19:55Hey, stop staring! I have a boyfriend!
19:58Just today I had a conversation with a skinhead in the yard
20:04He said he was a brother in the Aryan nation
20:07I think his head is full of lard
20:09Let me do the better thing
20:11Those of you who are Crips or Moslems
20:15Think you have to agree
20:17Your social problems are because you caused them
20:21So don't try and blame Whitey
20:23After all, you wouldn't be here if you weren't guilty
20:26I just rolled in because I couldn't phone you
20:31I thought I'd bring you some hope
20:33You can be free here unless your cellmate owns you
20:37Just make sure your soap's on a rope
20:39I don't have that problem
20:41I get to sit all the time
20:43Behind these bars, each man is your brother
20:47So be a pal and quit stabbing each other
20:53Cha Cha cha
20:55Hey guys, looks like we're bigger than Johnny Cash
21:12Hey, guys, looks like we're bigger than Johnny Cash.
21:15Well, at least you are, Hugh.
21:17Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
21:19Kidding!
21:20Yeah!
21:34Coming up next on Mad TV, I just thought you were here to plug something.
21:40Maybe I am, but nice to you.
21:42I will build a bridge to the 21st century in my pants.
21:46Now you're thinking like a Kennedy.
21:49Night of a terribly proper day.
21:51I wonder if I couldn't eat your brains.
21:54May!
21:56You are now watching Mad TV.
22:04Oh, looky, looky, looky.
22:06What do we got here?
22:07I think somebody wants to play a little chicken.
22:10We got ourselves a player.
22:11Okay, fine.
22:12Come on, here we go.
22:13You want to play?
22:14We're going to play.
22:15This is a big one, a big enchilada.
22:17But you better watch it, little boy, because we are on a collision course and homie ain't
22:21moving.
22:22And if not, this bad boy don't move for nobody know how.
22:26Bring it to me, punk.
22:27Come on, bring it on.
22:28But first, you better ask yourself, do you really want this?
22:33You're making a big mistake, buddy, because this bad boy walks a straight line, a straight
22:38line.
22:39You think I'm going to veer out of your way?
22:40You can forget that.
22:41Homie don't play the veering game.
22:43Hey, what are you doing?
22:45Hey, you're crazy.
22:46Come on, man.
22:46This is stupid.
22:47Don't, don't, don't.
22:48Whoa.
22:51Muck, muck, muck, muck, muck, muck.
22:53Very smart move, buddy.
22:55Very smart.
22:57Oh, looky, looky, looky.
22:58Here we go.
22:59Round two.
23:00I swear I will never have sex in the White House again.
23:11Never, ever, never.
23:13I swear I'll have sex forever.
23:16Never, never.
23:18Sleepy.
23:19Getting.
23:27Who's going?
23:28Are you out of your mind?
23:29Hey, hey.
23:30Hey, what the hell?
23:31What's going on there?
23:32Hey, John F. Kennedy.
23:33My God, Bill, get up.
23:35The only people that should be on their knees in this office are interns.
23:38What are you doing here?
23:39I'm here to teach you a lesson.
23:41The presidency has meaning, Bill.
23:43When I was president, the White House was known as Jack's Coochie Shack.
23:47Oh, God, those were the days.
23:49Anyway, we had parties.
23:50Hookers, booze.
23:52I pursued women with vigor.
23:53Ich bin ein sex monster.
23:56Hey, we really are John F. Kennedy.
23:58This is some kind of who.
23:59John, John, I'm trying, but I keep getting my hand caught in the nookie jar.
24:04You need to be more careful.
24:06When one of my interns threatened to squeal on me, I drugged her and shipped her off to
24:10a third world nation.
24:11How do you think we started the Peace Corps?
24:14John, I can never pull that off.
24:15The press watches my every move.
24:17Bill, you can't fight the press.
24:18You have to finesse them.
24:20You have to take them to Camp David for some wife swapping.
24:22Get the Secret Service to take plenty of pictures.
24:25You swing, don't you?
24:27Not with my wife, no.
24:29Ooh, good point.
24:31But Jack, I mean, you had Angie Dickinson, Marilyn Monroe.
24:35I mean, I've had Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky.
24:39Yes.
24:39Talk about your bay of pigs.
24:42I'll never be the man you were.
24:43That's true enough.
24:44But you're forgetting one thing.
24:46Oh, roofies?
24:47No.
24:48You can't use drugs to trap a woman.
24:51You've got the greatest aphrodisiac in the world, the presidency of the United States.
24:56Really?
24:57Yes, the White House is a chick magnet.
24:59Bill, think back.
25:00Why did you want to become president in the first place?
25:02Well, because I couldn't play guitars.
25:04Ditto.
25:05You are the commander-in-chief, and you are the commander under the sheets.
25:10Mr. President, you're right.
25:11It is my duty to have sex with as many female constituents as possible.
25:16I will build a bridge to the 21st century in my pants.
25:21Now you're thinking like a Kennedy.
25:24Ask not what your country can do for you.
25:27Ask who in your country you can do.
25:30Well, I see that my work is done here.
25:34I want you to go out and just show the world just how stiff your resolve is.
25:39Mr. President, I will continue your legacy.
25:42I will make you proud.
25:44Make you proud.
25:46Make you proud.
25:51Oh, what a dream that was.
25:57Man, that...
25:58John F. Kennedy's back brace.
26:01It wasn't a dream.
26:02It was a sign.
26:05You just get me Alicia Silverstone.
26:07Oh, Ms. Silverstone, this is your president speaking.
26:11Yes, I have a very special position I'd love to interview you for in the oral...
26:15I mean, oval office.
26:18Oval office.
26:19Well, I'll just have my jet come out and pick you up.
26:21You're not working on anything now, right?
26:23You're not doing that cleanly stupid.
26:27Do you have something here or something?
26:30I don't know.
26:31Bing.
26:33Bing.
26:34You're watching Mad TV.
26:36Are you going to do something with me?
26:36You are now watching Mav TV.
26:42Mav!
26:54Welcome! This is Cabana Chat, and this is Dixie Westworld.
27:02You like? I like!
27:04Well, it's finally out, my authorized biography.
27:10It's called...
27:12A Thousand and One Arabian Men,
27:17and it's a steamy tell-all about the men in my life.
27:21Actually, it's not so much a biography as it is a list,
27:24and even then, it's over 400 pages.
27:26Oh!
27:29Let me read you a couple of excerpts.
27:31Oh! Jacques Cousteau taught me everything he knew about diving.
27:40Jackie Chan, the fastest man alive.
27:44Dennis Rodman, just wanted to cuddle.
27:49Chuck Berry, nice man, but ruined a perfectly good coffee table.
27:53All right, you want more? Buy the book.
27:58Without further ado, let's bring out my musical director,
28:01the man who put the F-U-K back in funk,
28:04James Brown, Jr.
28:05Oh, how sweet! You brought a friend with you!
28:17He was so nervous.
28:19Go ahead, bring your little friend out.
28:21Sailor, out of the ghost!
28:23It is Anna Nicole Smith!
28:37Hello, Dixie.
28:38Hello, everybody.
28:40Welcome!
28:41Oh, you're stunning!
28:43When I saw you backstage,
28:45I just thought you were here to plug something.
28:47Maybe I am, but night's still young.
28:49Set! One, two, five!
28:53James.
28:54Really, James.
28:55You ought to know if these are real or not.
28:59As far as I'm concerned,
29:01if you've paid for them
29:02and you can hold them in your hands,
29:03they're real.
29:06Oh, please, sit down, Anna.
29:13You are a goddess.
29:15Would you like to see what I looked like
29:17seven years ago?
29:18I don't know, would we?
29:23Ah!
29:27Ah!
29:28Ah!
29:30Dryness!
29:31Anyway, I'm glad you're here, Anna,
29:33because we have a special treat for you.
29:36Today on the show,
29:37we have the winner
29:37of our Pool Boy for a Day contest.
29:40Now, I sat through hours
29:42of Pool Boy wannabes
29:43and not one of them made me scream.
29:46Let's see a taste of the one that did.
29:48I'm actually much taller
29:52in real life.
30:05Ah!
30:07Ah, here he is
30:08all the way from Redwood City, California.
30:10Please welcome Alan Holm!
30:12Oh, my God!
30:23Finally, moisture!
30:25Please!
30:26Welcome to Cabana Chat.
30:27Well, thanks, Dixie.
30:28It's really great to be here.
30:29It's a pretty big speedo
30:31you have to fill.
30:32Think you can rise to the occasion?
30:34I think so.
30:35Ah, that's lovely.
30:38You're cute.
30:39Why don't you call me
30:40in about 80 years?
30:43Pooley, for the sake of tradition,
30:45how would you like to be greased
30:47by Anna Nicole Smith?
30:50That'd be okay.
30:53Sorry, we have something
30:54different in mind.
30:56As a special surprise,
30:58ladies and gentlemen,
30:59we have a couple
31:00of our original Pool Boys
31:01from when it all started
31:02back in 1938.
31:04Please welcome Louis Valdez
31:05and Marcel Saint-Pierre!
31:07I'm falling
31:18and I can't get up!
31:19Wow!
31:21Boys, welcome back!
31:24You know the routine.
31:25Grease him up!
31:26Oh!
31:26What's the matter, James?
31:40Allergic to boy butter?
31:42JP, don't play that!
31:44Wow!
31:46Never mind!
31:47It's time for the money shot anyway,
31:49Pooley!
31:50Time for the dance
31:51of the pool boy!
31:52Oh!
31:53Oh!
32:07The sweet smell
32:10of boy sweat!
32:11Oh!
32:12That's all the time
32:13we have on today's show.
32:14I want to thank
32:14our dear Anna Nicole Smith,
32:16James Bond,
32:18as always,
32:20Marcel and Louis,
32:21and our pool boy
32:22for the day,
32:23Alan Holmes!
32:25Ah!
32:28This has been
32:29Cabana Chat,
32:30and this
32:30is Dixie Wetsworth.
32:34Everybody,
32:35mind the butter
32:35and dance!
32:36Merchant Ivory
32:54presents the
32:55reinterpretation
32:56of a horror classic
32:57that has chilled
32:58generations of moviegoers.
33:00Yes, good evening.
33:01I was in your neighborhood
33:02and, well,
33:03being undead and all,
33:04I wonder if I
33:05couldn't eat your brains.
33:07A few bright stars
33:08in.
33:10Night of the terribly
33:11proper dead.
33:13I'm sorry,
33:13I'm sorry.
33:14I could come back
33:15if this is a bad
33:15thing.
33:17Marvellous barricade
33:18work night.
33:19Oh, good show.
33:20Thank you, dear.
33:21With Rupert Everett
33:22and Emma Thompson,
33:24as you've never
33:25seen them before.
33:26You know,
33:26I'd rather enjoy
33:28this working
33:29with my hands
33:30business.
33:31So invigorating.
33:32And it's
33:33bloody awful
33:34as only
33:35Merchant Ivory
33:36can make it.
33:41Do you mind?
33:45You're being
33:46quite common.
33:47Was I really?
33:48Yes.
33:49And remember,
33:50you're a guest here.
33:51Do try and comport
33:52yourself in a more
33:53proper manner.
33:54Thank you, Mum.
33:55Oh, yes.
34:05Very nice.
34:06Quite scary.
34:07I'm sure they'll
34:07let you devour
34:08brains at the palace
34:09with that demeanor.
34:10Mm-hmm.
34:10Uh-huh.
34:11They're dead.
34:13They're hungry
34:13for brains.
34:16Me again.
34:17See, here.
34:24What's the good
34:24of all this?
34:25After all,
34:25I am undead,
34:26which surely
34:26I've pointed out
34:27to you before.
34:28Also starring
34:29Michael Caine
34:30at his most frightening.
34:32Hello, hello, hello.
34:34What are we here?
34:35What's all this, then?
34:36Well, it seems as though
34:36this undead fellow
34:37wishes to feast
34:38upon my brain.
34:39Well, not at the moment.
34:41You're being
34:41quite obstructive.
34:42Oh, you?
34:44A round action
34:44for people's brains?
34:45Very long.
34:47Very long.
34:48How long are you?
34:49The most terrifying
34:51film you'll ever see.
35:02One love
35:03or two.
35:06My word, Nigel,
35:08I do believe
35:08we join the ranks
35:09of the undead.
35:10Care to join us,
35:11Oswald?
35:12Oh, well,
35:13when in Rome.
35:15Night of the terribly
35:17proper day.
35:18Never has terror
35:19been so very,
35:21very,
35:22very,
35:23genteel.
35:25Now, these brains
35:26are not very firm.
35:27Not very firm at all.
35:28I recommend
35:29some mint jelly.
35:30Oh, well.
35:31No matter.
35:32Grey matter.
35:33You are not watching
35:42mad TV.
35:44Mate!
35:47I don't know.
35:48They feel a little snug.
35:49Frankly, I'm amazed
35:50to hear you say that
35:51because these pants
35:52are made for a big man
35:53and you, sir,
35:54are not a big man.
35:55I'm pretty big.
35:56Are you chunk
35:57over or under the belt?
35:58Under.
35:59There you go.
35:59Look at you.
36:00You just lost
36:00a hundred pounds.
36:02Well, I'll take them.
36:03All right.
36:04Can I wear these mounts?
36:04What are you kidding?
36:05Those pants are mayfie.
36:06I wouldn't dream
36:07of taking them
36:07or any of them.
36:07Those are your pants.
36:09Woo!
36:10A walk always
36:10takes the wind
36:11out of me.
36:13So what do I owe you?
36:14$59.95.
36:15There you go.
36:16Here, you keep the change.
36:17In every way, sir,
36:18you are a giant
36:19among men.
36:19Please come again.
36:20I will.
36:26Yes?
36:26Yeah, I need to buy
36:28some pants, man,
36:29but they gotta be like
36:30huge, enormous type pants.
36:32Are you shopping
36:34for a big man?
36:36They for me.
36:38I need to buy me
36:39some big pants.
36:40I'm sorry, sir.
36:41We don't have any pants
36:42your size here, sir.
36:43What do you mean,
36:44my size?
36:45My size is big.
36:46Okay, I understand,
36:47but all we have here
36:48is very big pants.
36:49Well, good,
36:50because I'm all about
36:51some big pants.
36:52Okay, okay, I see.
36:53But here we have
36:54very, very large pants.
36:55Very big.
36:56What are you, ignorant?
36:57I want some
36:58very, very large pants.
37:00What size pants do you wear?
37:01Let's see what we got.
37:02I wear big pants.
37:03Okay, what?
37:04Well, what size?
37:05Size pants.
37:05What do you got?
37:06What do you want?
37:06Large.
37:07Okay, what,
37:07like a 30, 32?
37:09Man, I want big pants.
37:10Wait, wait, wait,
37:1134 there.
37:12I want size 99.
37:14Pants don't come in 99.
37:16All right,
37:16then maybe I could
37:17squeeze into a 98.
37:18The biggest pants
37:19we got is 60.
37:20That's it?
37:21Size 60 is huge pants.
37:23No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
37:2499 is huge pants.
37:2660?
37:27That's like hip huggers.
37:28All right.
37:28You want to see
37:29the biggest pants I've got?
37:30Man, I've been here
37:31two days.
37:31That's all I've been saying.
37:32I want some big pants.
37:35Let me see if I can fly.
37:36Ah, here we go.
37:38These are the biggest pants
37:39we've ever made.
37:40Size 72 made them
37:41special for a client.
37:42The biggest pants
37:43I've ever seen.
37:43You want these pants?
37:45They're the biggest ones
37:46you got?
37:46These are the biggest
37:47pants I've got.
37:48Then I want them.
37:49Let's do it.
37:49Let's go for it.
37:50You do it.
37:52Oh, boy.
37:54And he was never
37:55seen again.
37:57Man, kid,
37:58you got a lot of energy.
37:59Boy, just watching you
37:59makes me sweat
38:00under my boobies.
38:02You know,
38:02you're not much of a sweater.
38:03You don't look like
38:04much of a sweater.
38:04Me, I roll out of bed
38:06in the morning.
38:06My pillows look like
38:07the bottom of a bucket
38:08of fried chicken.
38:09Now, this is what
38:12I'm talking about.
38:16These are some
38:17big pants.
38:19All right, how much?
38:21Uh, $100.
38:22Shh, sucker.
38:24I'd have paid a thousand
38:25bucks for a pair
38:26of big pants like this.
38:27Yeah, well, you saw
38:27me coming.
38:28Yo, man, later.
38:33Raimondo.
38:35Raimondo!
38:36Raimondo!
38:36Another pair of 72s.
38:40Another pair of 72s?
38:41Another pair of 72s.
38:42What do you mean no?
38:43I'm tired of making
38:43the same thing.
38:44No, I can't do it no more.
38:45I'm not going to take it
38:45from you.
38:46I'm not going to take it
38:46from you.
38:46I'm going to pay yourself.
38:47Don't do something.
39:07I'm not going to take it
39:10from you.
39:11All right, now...
39:14No, I can't do it.
39:15No, I don't see any
39:15anything.
39:16No, I can't do it.
39:16Especially the same thing.
39:17It's our kind of
39:19another pair of 200,000?
39:19Of course.
39:20I can't do that.
39:21I can't do it.
39:21I can't do it.
39:22I can't do it.
39:23No, I can't do it.
39:23Don't do it.
39:24I can't do it.
39:24I can't do it.
39:25You're not going to
39:26do it.
39:27If you're not going to
39:29be a good town
39:31for a quick
39:32while you are
39:33going to
39:34Here you are, princess.
39:53Frog's legs.
40:04Like every woman, there are two sides to me.
40:09The blue side, and the purple side.
40:12Wow!
40:13Or vice versa.
40:14I don't have eyes behind my head, you know?
40:34Oh, thank you so much, studio audience, America, and the union local number 8500-68093 for bringing
40:44about tonight's show.
40:46Just remember, there's a chocolate bar under each seat, and if there's a 77 on it, you
40:51bring home the Rambler Convertible.
40:53Good night, everybody!
41:04Good night, everybody!
41:14Good night, everybody!
41:16I will build a bridge to the 21st century in my pants.
41:43Yeah, now you're thinking like a Kennedy.
41:46I will build a bridge to the 21st century in my pants.
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