- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 22
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching Mav TV.
00:04Mav!
00:10So, Timmy, where do little babies come from?
00:14Um, my mommy and daddy go to the store and buy a pumpkin,
00:17and my mommy puts it on her tummy.
00:19Then my mommy goes to the store and everybody rubs it,
00:22and then you get a baby.
00:25What?
00:28Wrong!
00:30What an idiot!
00:33Whoa!
00:39Remember that?
00:40I sure do.
00:42Hello, I'm Al Canapini,
00:45host of Kids Say the Stupidest Things,
00:47and I'm proud to present this best-of video
00:49with our favorite moments from the 50s and 60s.
00:52I'm sure you're gonna love it.
00:54So, Becky,
00:56what does Christmas mean to you?
00:58That's when Santa comes,
01:00and if you've been good,
01:01he will bring you twice a day.
01:02Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:03Hold it, hold it, hold it.
01:04Santa?
01:05You believe in Santa?
01:06Yeah.
01:07Did your parents tell you that?
01:08Yeah.
01:09Well, then they're as stupid as you are!
01:10Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
01:40No, what do you mean, no? Look, the goof's got ears like an elephant. Say it.
01:43No.
01:44Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it.
01:48Come on, say it, the whip.
01:50You're stupid.
01:52What an idiot. You're twins. That means you got stupid as two.
01:56What if you're not?
02:00I've always felt that it was insulting and condescending to treat children like children.
02:10Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.
02:18So why don't you be a part of this warm and wonderful blast from the past?
02:22Don't be a moron. Order your copy today.
02:24Send $19.95 to Kids Say the Stupidest Things.
02:28Box 24, Station 32B, New York, New York, 01284.
02:40Come on, come on!
02:41Hey, you're so crazy.
03:00Tonight on MADtv, special guest Blue Diamond Phillips, Van Cone Lady, Miss Swan, and Corky and the Juice Big.
03:09Blue Diamond Phillips, Van Cone Lady, Miss Swan, and Corky and the Juice Big.
03:39Oh, I got confused.
03:42This is Nicole Sullivan.
03:43And this is Alex Borstein.
03:49Okay, and we're on MADtv, and we're glad you're here tonight, and we have a really, really special treat for you.
03:55It's truly, it's amazing.
03:56Yeah.
03:56It's what it is.
03:57Yes.
03:57Please, put your hands together for the one, the only, La Bamba!
04:02Yeah!
04:16Can you cut the music?
04:18Can you cut the music, please?
04:20Bienvenido a MADtv, señor La Bamba!
04:25Me llamo es Alejandra, y tengo mucho hambre.
04:33Listen, you know, first of all, my name is Lou Diamond Phillips.
04:36Oh, okay.
04:43Como esta, señor Lou Diamond Phillippe?
04:49I speak English.
04:50Oh.
04:51That's very good, because while that sounds very impressive, our Spanish is a little rusty.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Your Spanish sucks.
04:57And, uh, James, I'm sorry.
05:01I'm having second thoughts about this.
05:02Oh, no, you shouldn't have second thoughts.
05:04We love you.
05:04Doesn't everyone love Lou Diamond?
05:07Yeah!
05:07Yeah!
05:14Ten years ago.
05:17Ten years ago.
05:18I'm looking at it.
05:20No!
05:21No!
05:22Oh, come on!
05:23No, no, this isn't me anymore, you know.
05:26I'm sick of this damn soul.
05:28I'm sick of people coming up to me in the street and going, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
05:31No!
05:31You know, I was on Broadway, man.
05:34I'm in action.
05:35Listen, you guys.
05:36Stop singing this song.
05:37Stop singing this song.
05:37You're going to get some of the real Lou Diamond.
05:38You hear me?
05:39Guys, guys, guys, he's right.
05:40We should really appreciate him for the man he is.
05:43The man who was in Dances with Wolves!
05:46Yeah!
05:48I was in Young Girls.
05:49I was in Young Girls.
05:51That's it.
05:52That's it.
05:52You hear me?
05:53I'm sick of this.
05:55Game.
05:55Game.
05:56That's the kind of movie I do now, muchachos.
06:02Huh?
06:03Huh?
06:05That's right.
06:06You can call me Kabong now.
06:07You want some?
06:08Huh?
06:09Play another note.
06:10Okay, so stick around.
06:13We got a great show.
06:23Like every woman,
06:25I have two sides to her.
06:27The blue side.
06:27That's about love.
06:28And the purple side.
06:29Whoa!
06:30Or vice versa.
06:31I don't have eyes behind my head, you know?
06:33Me!
06:41Yeah, welcome McRonald's.
06:43May I take your order, please?
06:43Hello.
06:44Yeah, hello.
06:58May I take your order, please?
06:59Hello.
06:59Look, I'm in a very big hurry.
07:02I have to make an order for everybody at the gorgeous, pretty booty next along.
07:05Okay, great.
07:07Great.
07:07May I take your order, please?
07:08Hello.
07:09Yeah, yeah, hello.
07:10Hi, how are you?
07:12I'm fine, ma'am.
07:13Thank you very much.
07:14This is Gary.
07:15May I take your order?
07:16Hello.
07:19Hello.
07:19May I take your order?
07:21Okay, don't yell at me, you know?
07:25You need to take a chill pill, you know?
07:29And a small fry.
07:31Okay, all right.
07:32All right, so you want fries with what?
07:34No, no fry.
07:35I want burger.
07:36Okay, which burger, ma'am?
07:38Yeah, burger, hamburger.
07:40Yeah, which one?
07:41We got the Burger Deluxe, the Double Patty Melt, the Big Jack, and the Mini Slider.
07:45Yeah, okay, I want five.
07:46Five what?
07:48Hamburger.
07:49Ma'am, please tell me which burger.
07:50Yeah, okay, five burger and a nugget.
07:53Chicken nuggets?
07:56Nuggets?
07:56Come on, you need to know the menu better.
08:01You want a six-piece or a nine-piece?
08:03Why you say six or a nine, I tell you one, you try to rip me off?
08:10Come on now, I need to talk to the manager.
08:13I am the manager.
08:14Now, do you want one six-piece chicken nugget or one nine-piece chicken nugget?
08:18Yeah, okay, one six-nine-one and a McThinkie milk.
08:23Okay, you mean a McThinkie shake?
08:25Yeah, okay, you can shake.
08:27Now, I don't understand your order.
08:31Okay, one more time, I'll tell you 18.
08:33I want a burger but five and me chicken milk and nugget.
08:38Okay, now, you don't pay attention.
08:40I am paying attention, but I...
08:42Okay, okay, I drive through now.
08:45Here I come.
08:47Hi.
08:48All right, look, you got the deluxe, you got the double patty, you got the mini slider.
08:52Which burger do you want?
08:53Who the hell are you?
09:01I'm trying to take your order.
09:03Okay, now, you don't need to yell at me, Mr. Jackass in box.
09:09Okay, I already tell my order to the bozo in there.
09:12That bozo with me.
09:14Oh, hi, bozo.
09:17Lady, what is your problem?
09:20I tell you, okay, my problem is I give my order to you in there, but I cannot understand you, you know?
09:25You sound like this.
09:27Hello.
09:27Mother of God, woman, just tell me what kind of burger you want.
09:35Okay, I tell you, the hamburger?
09:38Yes.
09:38And you look like a burger.
09:40They all look like a burger.
09:42All of them.
09:43Okay.
09:43Which one?
09:44Not one, five.
09:45Five of what kind?
09:47Hamburger.
09:48I can't take you anymore.
09:50Hey, lookie, here's a deluxe.
09:52Hey, lookie, a double powder.
09:54Hey, lookie, I made a smile.
09:56You know what?
09:56It's been great working with you.
09:58Run, run, run, run, run, run, run.
09:59Get work every time, free burger for me swan.
10:16This is a message to the great people of America.
10:19I am Elasso Guapo.
10:21And I am El Diablo Negro.
10:24And I am Signor Bank of Craft.
10:27And we are here today to tell you to leave El Presidente Bill Clinton alone.
10:33Or we will break your backs like so.
10:35With our knee.
10:39I am Signor Bank of Craft.
10:43Signor Kenneth Starr is a puppet of Satan.
10:46Satan's hand is so deep inside this man that he tells fantastic lies.
10:51Can you not see?
10:52Poor, poor El Presidente Bill Clinton alone.
10:59He is a great man.
11:02And yet how do you repay his greatness?
11:04You take great handfuls of stink and fling them at him.
11:08Shame on you, peoples of America.
11:11Shame on you.
11:12I cry tears for El Presidente Bill Clinton.
11:20I say these words to you.
11:24Listen to me.
11:26The peoples of the second greatest country in the world.
11:29You cannot break El Presidente.
11:32Oh, sure, you can make him cry like my sister.
11:35But when you...
11:37Underneath his fancy suit, Bill Clinton is hard like a rock.
11:42And the women who tell these lies, they know this.
11:47They have seen these hardness.
11:49They have felt the steel that is El Presidente.
11:52If you do not stop with the lies, then you will feel his hardness.
11:58And you will feel mine.
12:00And mine.
12:04Feel my hardness.
12:05Yes.
12:06You must all kneel before this great, great man and stay kneeling there until his mighty work is done.
12:19If you do not, then we will be forced to bring harm to the moving picture superstar, Lou Diamond Phillips.
12:32Please listen to me.
12:34These guys are serious, okay?
12:36Uh, El Asolipo has broken my back a couple of times in the past.
12:43So I know that he's not kidding around, okay?
12:46So, if you have any affection for me or for my movies.
12:53Speaking of which, I actually have a movie coming out with Mark Wahlberg.
12:55It's called The Big Man.
12:56No plugs!
12:58No plugs!
12:58No plugs for Lavanda!
13:01Oh!
13:05Okay.
13:06Okay.
13:07Just, just, please, go click below.
13:10Okay, please.
13:10That is enough!
13:12So, if you people want to see any Lou Diamond Phillips movies anymore,
13:17you will leave the Presidente to do his work.
13:21So says El Asolipo.
13:24So say we all.
13:25Viva El Presidente!
13:28Help me.
13:29Please send a bag of crap!
13:34You are not watching MAD TV.
13:59MAD!
14:05Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Funk and Woke a Dirty Talker.
14:10Please give it up for the fantastic physician of Funk, Desperation Lee.
14:16Now, I'm Desperation Lee, and I'm going to be your guide on this journey to the center of the funk.
14:26And now, let's talk dirty.
14:33Baby, I want to climb up onto your turntable and get stuck in your groove.
14:39Well, all right.
14:43Now it's time to bring out today's guests.
14:46And this one is most definitely for the ladies.
14:49Please help me welcome Lou Diamond Phillips.
14:52You got more moves than Bobby Fischer.
15:10I done study those tapes that you sent me.
15:12How do I look?
15:13Man, you look smoother than X-Lax and twice as sexy.
15:18Now, just to bring everybody up to speed on what's happening,
15:21Lou is going to be filling in for me for a couple of days here on Funk and Woke a Dirty Talker.
15:26I'm going to be down in Nashville cutting an album with Linda Ronstadt.
15:30Oh, man, that's going to rock.
15:32Oh, yeah.
15:33It's going to be a whole album of baby-making music.
15:37You know, can I just take a second to tell you how really honored I am that you asked me to do this?
15:42Hey, man, let me tell you something.
15:44After I saw that clip of you in that movie.
15:46The big hit.
15:48That's the one.
15:49You know, I said to myself, desperation, you looking at the future of Funk right there.
15:54That's it.
15:54Well, I'm thrilled.
15:55Well, I'm lucky I found you, man.
15:57Well, thanks, but I got to tell you.
16:00I'm a little nervous about, you know, the dirty talking part of the show.
16:06What?
16:06Wait a minute, Lou.
16:07Now, Lou, tell me something.
16:09You telling me that you never talk the dirt to a woman?
16:13Yeah, but never on TV.
16:16Oh, man, there ain't no difference.
16:18It's the same thing.
16:19You just got to look at that camera like it's a woman.
16:21That's why we put the dress on it.
16:22You know what I'm saying?
16:25Well, see, now, your job is to talk that dress right off that camera.
16:30You want me to get us started?
16:32Yeah, yeah, because you're the man.
16:35All right, here we go.
16:38Baby, I wish I was some kind of astronaut so I could get caught in your black hole.
16:53That's good.
16:54You're good.
16:55You're good.
16:56Would you do another one?
16:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:59See, that's not the way it works.
17:00I do one, then you do one.
17:01You up.
17:02Come on, man.
17:02Do your thing.
17:03All right, yeah, just let me pull this out.
17:12Yeah.
17:13You know, these look really good last night.
17:15Man, now they're...
17:16Oh, come on, man.
17:17Don't worry about it.
17:18Just pick one.
17:19Worst thing that can happen is you don't get to take the camera home.
17:22All right, okay.
17:22All right, now.
17:23Here's a good one.
17:24Here's a good one.
17:24Baby, I want to get out my telescope so I can take a good look at Uranus.
17:32You know what, Lou?
17:43You out on your own on that one.
17:47Say this too much?
17:50You know what?
17:50I'm going to be polite here and tell you that they don't all have to be about space.
17:55Yeah.
17:56Yeah, right, right.
17:57Okay, you know what?
17:57I'm going to do another one.
17:59Watch me now.
18:02Baby, I want to get inside your church and start speaking in tongues.
18:13Jesus.
18:14That's sexy.
18:16That's the whole idea, man.
18:18Okay, okay, okay.
18:19I got one.
18:20I got one.
18:20All right.
18:21Go for it.
18:21Baby, I want to look at your menu and order me some Ask Car Go.
18:32You know what?
18:33That one was headed straight for the funky Hall of Fame and then you got the Ask Car Go.
18:38It's, it's, it's snails.
18:40Oh, yeah, I know.
18:41Yeah, it says Car Go, Ask Car Go.
18:42It's kind of a play on words, you know?
18:43Yeah, but yeah, let it go, Lou.
18:47Look, let's try one more.
18:49See, just listen with your ears this time, okay?
18:53Baby, I want to open up your liquor cabinet and pour me a stiff one.
19:01Okay, okay, okay, I got it, I got it.
19:05Baby, I want to make like Winnie the Pooh.
19:09Wait, wait, wait, we ain't going back to Uranus again, is it?
19:12No.
19:13No, okay, I got it, man.
19:15I'm just checking.
19:16You're the one who asked me to be on this show, all right?
19:18Sorry, sorry.
19:19Go, go, go on with your bad self.
19:21Go on then.
19:24Baby, I want to make like Winnie the Pooh and get my nose stuck up in your honey jar.
19:33Hey!
19:38Woo, there you go.
19:40Woo.
19:40Man, let me tell you, there's so much funk in here, I need to give me a pair of them
19:45hip waders.
19:45You know what I'm saying?
19:46I got it, I got it.
19:46You got it, baby.
19:48You got enough for the whole class.
19:50Woo.
19:51Babe, take a bow, Lou Diamond Phillips.
19:53Go on.
19:53Woo!
19:56Woo!
19:56Woo!
19:56Woo!
19:57Woo!
19:57Woo!
19:57Woo!
19:57Woo!
19:58Woo!
19:58Woo!
19:59Woo!
19:59Woo!
19:59Woo!
20:00Woo!
20:00Woo!
20:00Woo!
20:00Woo!
20:01Woo!
20:01Woo!
20:01Woo!
20:01Woo!
20:01Woo!
20:02Woo!
20:03Woo!
20:03Woo!
20:04Woo!
20:04Woo!
20:05Woo!
20:05Woo!
20:06Woo!
20:07Woo!
20:08Woo!
20:08Until next time, Lou, let's walk funky.
20:22Eat my foot.
20:23No, don't eat your foot, sweetie.
20:24No, sweetie, it's time to go to sleep.
20:26I'm not sleeping.
20:27I know, but mommy is, it is very late now.
20:31Can, can I read you a story?
20:33I don't like stories.
20:34Oh.
20:35Is there anyone who, is, is there a, is there a, is there a,
20:38is, is there anyone who can help me put my child to bed?
20:42Have you tried rocker-bys?
20:44Rocker-bys?
20:45You mean lullabys.
20:47No, the man said rocker-bys.
20:51They're the show-fire way to get your children to shut the hell up and go to sleep.
20:57Well, at this point, Chris Rock, I'll try anything.
21:00Yes, you'll hear over 120 minutes of your favorite lullabys from the unique perspective
21:05of comedian Chris Rock.
21:07The itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spot.
21:11You know why?
21:13Cause he was a black spider and they wouldn't give him the key to the damn house.
21:18Children automatically respond to the soothing tone of Chris Rock's comforting voice.
21:23Rock-a-pie!
21:24Hey, goodnight!
21:26Sleep tight!
21:28Cause your suburban two-pan having white as rice ass don't gotta worry about no drive-bys.
21:34You're scaring me.
21:36You think that's scary?
21:37If you was in the ghetto, you wouldn't have no alarm clock.
21:40You'd have a rat.
21:42And there ain't no snooze button on a rat.
21:44Cause every morning at seven, the m***a will come up and take a chunk out of your ass.
21:51I don't see how this is helping.
21:54Let this double CD set help lull your child into a peaceful sleep.
21:58Bow, bow, black sheep!
22:00Have you any wool?
22:02Hell yeah!
22:03Got a whole truckload of it.
22:05Can't give away that black wool.
22:07Everybody wants some of that nice white wool.
22:09Even black folks saying, give me some of that nice white wool.
22:13Mommy, make the loud man go away.
22:16I can't, sweetie.
22:17Not till you've gone to sleep.
22:19I promise I'll go to sleep.
22:21Let's make it go.
22:24Go away?
22:25I'm just getting started.
22:27Twinker, twinker, can't that stop?
22:30How I wonder, what the hell are you doing?
22:32You spent $30 million to find out Bill Clinton had sex.
22:37I bought a supermarket tabloid for $1.52 and found out the same damn thing.
22:42Please, just go away.
22:45Now, I can't come to every child's bedroom and put them to sleep.
22:48So order now and never be kept up late by some noisy-ass kid again.
22:52And even if they're not asleep, they'll be under the covers pretending to be.
22:56And isn't that just as good?
22:57Send $29.98 in checker money order to Rockerbuys.
23:01Box 58, Titusville, Florida, 16434.
23:05Are you asleep yet?
23:06Are you asleep?
23:09Go to sleep!
23:11Are you asleep yet?
23:13Yes.
23:14Go to sleep!
23:17I sure do love kids.
23:18Coming up next on Mad TV, I can tell that your crucifix swings both ways.
23:31Do you know what I mean?
23:35Janitor, janitor.
23:38I finally figured out how to get ahead from television.
23:41I cut off my body!
23:43You are now watching Mad TV.
23:52Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce Mad TV's favorite band.
23:57Now, if you didn't know them and love them before, you will now.
24:00Corky and the Juice Pigs.
24:01Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
24:09The song we'd like to play for you now is a song that used to be one of Corky's favorites
24:13when we played in the Charles Manson Five.
24:16I want to find your dismembered body in a garbage bag.
24:44I like to put on my Speedo and go sweating in your children's blood.
25:00Oh, my God.
25:00I like to put on my Speedo and go sweating in your children's blood.
25:04The song we'd like to do now is a tribute to the king, the king of Canadian rock and roll.
25:25But you probably all know him better as the one and only, Neil Young.
25:34Go!
25:35He lives down by the furnace.
25:40Janitor, janitor.
25:43And he makes the young kids nervous.
25:47Janitor, janitor.
25:50He tells everybody to call him Tony, but he smells like oil and his ass is bone.
25:56Janitor, janitor.
25:59He's got a lot of charms.
26:06Janitor, janitor.
26:09Like the prison tattoos on his arms.
26:12Janitor, janitor.
26:15He cleans the bathrooms and tells dirty jokes.
26:18He dresses like a woman and rolls his own smokes.
26:21He's the janitor.
26:23Janitor, yes!
26:25Hi, Neil.
26:30Hi, Neil.
26:31How are you doing?
26:32Okay.
26:33Wow.
26:35You know, I was in school early today and I heard you calling out and I noticed the janitor was with you.
26:42Yeah, I was in the gym at school.
26:45Yeah.
26:45And the janitor was there.
26:47Yeah.
26:48And I went in, you know, early to work on my volleyball spike for the big trial.
26:55Oh, boy.
26:55Yeah, I was spiking away there.
26:58And the janitor was waxing the floor with that big buff-o-matic 2,000.
27:03It's the 3,000 now.
27:04Oh, boy.
27:05I should read.
27:07Yeah.
27:07Anyway, I was, you know, spiking and he was waxing.
27:11Yeah.
27:11I was spiking and he was waxing.
27:13And then I inevitably hit him with the ball and, oh, he was mad.
27:20Oh, no.
27:21And he came over and said, hey, you stupid kid.
27:26He's not very articulate.
27:27No.
27:28He said, hey, you stupid kid.
27:30Yeah.
27:31What's the big idea?
27:32Hit me with the ball.
27:33Yeah.
27:34I said, hey, I'm just working on my spike.
27:37And he said, oh, yeah, I'll show you how to spike.
27:41And he took the buffer and he covered me with wax.
27:44And then he buffed me really, really hard.
27:47Oh, my God.
27:48Until my clothes disintegrated and my flesh was both waxy, shiny, and firm.
27:54Oh, how's your spike?
27:57It's improved.
27:58What day I want to be like him.
28:02Janitor.
28:02Janitor, janitor, masturbating while I clean the gym.
28:08Janitor, janitor, I think it must be a really nice life.
28:14Cleaning your nails with a hunting knife.
28:17Being stained yellow the rest of your life.
28:22Janitor, janitor.
28:24Janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor, janitor
28:54came to ask me if I'd help him make the new Spishik Farms Country sausages, I was
28:59more than a little surprised. Fact is, I didn't know the first thing about making
29:04sausages, what with me being a stockbroker most of my life. But I said,
29:09alright, I'll do it. But on one condition. I said, we gotta make these sausages the
29:17old-fashioned way. And by that I mean no pig genitals. Not a one. You see, these days
29:26most sausages are made from a whole mess of pig genitals and pig testicles and pig
29:32penises and the entire female pig private area there. Now, you know, I've never been
29:40a big fan of the genitalia pigs. In fact, let's face it, who is, huh?
29:45Well, less of course, you're another pig. Now, now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind
29:53occasionally looking at the pig genital. And on a slow day, I might even find myself
29:59tempted to reach over and touch one. No, but the idea of eating them has always been
30:07something of a turn-off for me. That's why our new Spishik Farms Country sausages are
30:1498% pig genital free. So stop in at your grocer and ask them for a
30:21Spishik Farms Country sausages. Or try my favorite, New Spishik Farms Country Sausage Light.
30:29Made entirely of nothing but pig genitals.
30:32It's really delicious.
30:36country sausage and country sausage light from Spishik Farms. Food you can eat if you're hungry.
30:45This is what we do in between funny skits. Fat and sugar. It's what comedy is made of.
30:56Funny.
30:57You are not watching MAD TV.
31:03MAD!
31:04Lowering expectation.
31:13Manny number 343.
31:15Hey, ladies, how you doing tonight? Like I care. This guy knows what I'm talking about, huh?
31:19Hey, guess what? My girlfriend just dumped me last week. I know, I know. Just think all the money I'm gonna save.
31:25It's got me out of the camera knows what I'm saying. Not funny?
31:28No, but seriously, I'd love to get in a relationship. Because I'm a masochist.
31:31Because I'm a masochist.
31:33Hey, I've seen two people in love. What's the deal on that? He's all...
31:36She's all...
31:38No, but seriously, ladies, I should tell you, I'm already in a relationship.
31:41With my right hand.
31:43I'd be willing to break it off.
31:45Ooh, the relationship, not my hand.
31:46Is this thing on?
31:48Hey, you know what I like in a woman?
31:50Me.
31:51Me.
31:52You know, because the ladies like you to look good.
31:55They want you to look good, you know?
31:56I go down to the beach the other day, working out my dad.
31:59I lie down in the sand.
32:00They get your pussy in the water.
32:02Keep them wet.
32:03Just care those that I'm talking about.
32:08No, but seriously, I'd love to meet a woman who, um,
32:11has a sense of humor, and a job, and a nice couch.
32:15He likes to drink.
32:17A lot.
32:18I think this guy knows what I'm talking about.
32:22Four, Manny, press pound three, four, three.
32:25The real expectation.
32:34Coming up on The Rosie Show, 2150.
32:37That face, that face, that cover girl face.
32:41My face, my face, my clean makeup face.
32:44Ah!
32:45You know, I finally figured out how to get a head in television.
32:48A head in television!
32:50Ah!
32:51Ah!
32:52Rosie died in 2041, but thanks to cryogenic preservation,
32:56the show goes on.
32:57Hey, Johnny, did I tell you I finally figured out
33:00how to lose 225 pounds of ugly fat?
33:03I cut off my body!
33:06Ah!
33:07Ah!
33:08Ah!
33:09Ah!
33:09You know, Johnny, I also adopted two small little babies
33:12over the weekend.
33:13Ah!
33:13Ah!
33:14Ah!
33:14Ah!
33:15Thank you very much.
33:16They are such cutie patooties.
33:18You know, that brings my total now to 212.
33:21Ah!
33:22Take that via Pharaoh's head!
33:23Ah!
33:24Ah!
33:25Ah!
33:26More fun.
33:27Ah!
33:28Ah!
33:29More laughs.
33:30Ah!
33:30Ah!
33:31Ah!
33:31Ah!
33:32Ah!
33:33More futuristic.
33:34Ah!
33:35Today, Rosie welcomes Tom Cruise the 7th.
33:38You know, I had such a crush on your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.
33:42Oh, I just loved him.
33:43Said you till you get recognized all the time, huh?
33:45You mean, do people come up to me on the street and say,
33:47hey, aren't you related to that, uh, great old-time actor Tom Cruise?
33:50Yeah, yeah, do they?
33:51No.
33:52Ah!
33:53Ah!
33:54Ah!
33:55Ah!
33:56Interesting.
33:57So, what films have I seen you in?
33:58None.
33:59I'm a zoologist.
34:00A zoologist?
34:01Johnny!
34:02Ah!
34:03If I could walk with the animals, talk with the animals, eat all the animals, put them
34:07on a cinnamon bun!
34:09Yeah!
34:10Boy, I got an itch.
34:11I got an itch.
34:12Come here.
34:13Smack me.
34:14Come on.
34:15My nose.
34:16You're higher.
34:17Higher.
34:18Higher.
34:19Dehydrated.
34:20Get some sugar.
34:21Come on.
34:22Come on.
34:23Ah!
34:24Oh.
34:25Heads up for the funniest show on TV.
34:28Rosie on Channel 5 Billion.
34:30Not tonight.
34:31I have a headache.
34:33Ah!
34:34Ah!
34:35Ah!
34:36Ah!
34:37Ah!
34:38Ah!
34:39Ah!
34:40Ah!
34:41Ah!
34:42Ah!
34:43Ah!
34:44Ah!
34:45Ah!
34:47Ah!
34:48Ah!
34:49Ah!
34:54Ah!
34:55Ah!
34:56Ah!
34:57Ah!
34:58Ah!
34:59Well, it's kind of hard to tell with all the work she's had done.
35:05I'm going to need a chisel to get all that makeup off.
35:08Watch it there, Moesha.
35:09I may be in a coma, but I'm not deaf.
35:13Doctor, do you think she knows we're here?
35:15With that breath, I knew when you left your house.
35:20I just don't understand.
35:22Why would a 90-year-old Hasidic man want to beat this woman into a coma?
35:25All I said was, is that your nose, or did the Queen Mary just duck on your face?
35:33Excuse me, I'm here for the last rites.
35:40Don't you mean last call, your alcoholic, Moes?
35:44I'm sorry I'm late. I was administering to another poor soul.
35:48Hard to tear yourself away from the children's wing, was it?
35:52Well, there's been no change in her condition.
35:55Oh, Merci, I suppose it's in God's hands now.
35:59And I suppose that's what you told little Timmy about 20 minutes ago.
36:04No, I just, I wish there was something I can do. I feel so helpless.
36:07I mean, all my life, even as a child, I've wanted to dedicate myself to saving lives.
36:12That is exactly what I admire about you.
36:14You are so kidding.
36:15La, la, la, la, okay, you know what, okay, you know what, why don't you two get a room?
36:20Oh, my God, Kathy.
36:25Is she alive?
36:27Yes, yes.
36:28Mmm, so much for the power of positive thinking.
36:33I'm sorry, excuse me, uh, who are you?
36:35Mmm, well, if you promise it won't go beyond the room, I'm her mother.
36:41The question is, which one of the privates at Fort Bragg was my father?
36:45Oh, you poor, poor thing. There's no greater tragedy than a parent losing a child.
36:55Well, Father, if it were any other child, I might agree with you.
37:00Now, let's just pull the plug.
37:02Okay, okay, you know what, keep Mrs. Kevorkian away from that thing.
37:07You know, that's totally not necessary. She's just in a coma. She could come out any second.
37:10Okay, then, in other words, we really have no time to lose.
37:14So, do you literally pull a plug on this thing, or is there some kind of switch?
37:18Okay, I'm not...
37:19Sure, you know what.
37:22Oh, my God, she's awake.
37:25Oh, okay, I guess Nurse Ratched is officially in charge of the obvious.
37:31Well, we had our chance, but this idiot here had to get all Hippocratic on me.
37:36Madam, you have no right to call this doctor an idiot.
37:40Yeah, and this idiot has no right to call himself a doctor.
37:44Now, there you go, Father. Here's your argument for birth control.
37:48I can't believe you two talk to each other this way, for God's sake. You're mother and daughter.
37:53And I can't believe the way you two talk to each other when you thought I wasn't listening.
37:57Oh, yes, yes, that's it, Doctor. Watch the teeth, nurse.
38:01I don't want to scream and wake up the coma, lady.
38:04Good question. If we pull the plug now, can we still kill her?
38:10In heaven's name, woman, listen to yourself.
38:12This is your daughter you're talking about.
38:14Exactly.
38:15Your child.
38:17I know that from time to time she must make your life difficult,
38:21but you and I both know that deep down,
38:26she is an adorable, sweet ray of sunshine.
38:30For you see, despite what they do, the children love us.
38:35And we, in turn, must love the children.
38:39Okay, okay, okay there. Excuse me, Father Felicio.
38:46From your actions, I can tell that your crucifix swings both ways, if you know what I mean.
38:51She's back in a coma.
38:56Hallelujah.
38:56It's a miracle.
38:57Let's go buy you kids a drink. Come on.
38:59Yeah, that sounds cute.
39:00On me.
39:01Good, let's hurry up before she comes out of it.
39:03Mm-hmm.
39:09What are you gonna do now? Go through my purse for some loose change?
39:13Hey, what are you doing?
39:15Uh, you know what?
39:20This looks like trouble.
39:45Todd.
39:52Todd.
39:54Todd.
39:57Todd.
40:01Todd.
40:02Todd.
40:02Todd.
40:04Todd.
40:04You are.
40:10Man.
40:11You are.
40:15Hey!
40:21Hey!
40:42Whoo!
40:44Thank you. I had a blast.
40:46Thanks to this incredible cast.
40:48Thanks for tuning in.
40:49Keep on watching MADtv and go check out the big hit.
41:11Let's go!
41:14This is a message to the great people of America.
41:24No plugs for lavanda!
41:34This is a message to the great people of America.
41:37No plugs for lavanda!
41:38No plugs for lavanda!
41:39This is a message to the great people of America.
41:41No plugs for lavanda!
41:43No plugs for lavanda!
41:45Thanks for lavanda!
41:47L
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