- 2 months ago
Season 2 Episode 19
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01On the next MADtv, Adam Arkin is an accessory to a fashion felony.
00:06I'm crazy about the outfit. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I never want to take it off.
00:10How do you accessorize something like that?
00:12And they'll turn your world on with a smile.
00:15Ted, you're fired.
00:17Why?
00:17Because I just found out that Mary's a lesbian and I feel like celebrating.
00:21Oh, please, Lula. I can be as good a lesbian as the next guy.
00:25Next on MADtv.
00:26You are now watching MADtv.
00:30You are now watching MADtv.
00:36MAD!
00:38Hello, I'm Isaac Mizrahi and I'm a designer.
00:43Now, normally, I don't do television.
00:46But when MADtv called and said they wanted me to design and dress the show,
00:51I said, close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, I'm already there.
00:57I have to dress the entire show.
00:59The cast, the crew, the caterer.
01:02I'd dress all the viewers at home if I had enough purple leather.
01:04Sort of a hairspray meets sling blade kind of thing.
01:09But I really don't have the time.
01:10Now, tonight's guest host, Adam Arkin, beats still my heart.
01:16And yet, when I think of Adam Arkin, I see that white lab coat he wears on that Chicago Hope.
01:21It's not his color.
01:23The texture's all wrong with his skin tone.
01:25Sort of an altered states meets the banana splits.
01:29I just want to rip that lab coat right off of him.
01:32Tonight, I want the world to see a new Adam Arkin.
01:34An amazing Adam Arkin.
01:36I want to find a way to utilize the...
01:40Who's doing the crossword puzzle?
01:43I want to find a way to...
01:46In...
01:47Cur.
01:50Iguana.
01:56Iguana.
01:56Iguana?
01:59Iguana!
02:00Iguana!
02:00That could be the new fall line.
02:02That's not an endangered species.
02:03hmm you're my little wookie you're my little beast isaac the speedo's too tight
02:12excuse me where's your fall collection hello where is the uh brian cowen fall collection
02:21i haven't seen it yeah but it's cutting off my circulation i mean my whole leg is numb this
02:26can't be right boy it's supposed to be numb it is yes you're a master i know now skedaddle
02:36genius that's a genius amazing he has such a dignity about him sort of a richard the third
02:46meets marky mark now adam arkin how does one genius do another genius
02:56justice his beautiful eyes his flowing hair his chiseled features oh i'm gonna have to go very
03:05subtle with this almost minimalistic or everyone watching the show will just explode
03:09you're so crazy
03:30you're so crazy
03:48you're so crazy
03:55you're so crazy
04:00you're so crazy
04:06ladies and gentlemen please help me welcome a very fine actor from chicago hope mr adam arkin
04:15Mr. Adam Arkin.
04:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, I can die.
04:30Thank you, and, uh, welcome to, uh, MADtv.
04:33It's, uh, it's really great to be here.
04:40Adam, Adam, what's wrong?
04:46Nothing.
04:48Don't say nothing.
04:49I mean, there's something wrong.
04:50I mean, what, what is it, the outfit?
04:52I mean, it's not the outfit, because you look great.
04:54You look great.
04:54I know, I know.
04:56Is it, is it, is it not the look you wanted?
04:58No, no, it's, it's, I'm crazy about the outfit, okay?
05:01It's, it's the greatest thing that's ever happened.
05:03I mean, I never want to take it off, all right?
05:07Well, then, but, but, but.
05:09But, how do you accessorize something like that?
05:13I mean, I don't, I don't know what belt to wear with it.
05:17Well, maybe no belt?
05:18Oh, come on.
05:19I, I mean, I have no idea what jewelry to wear, what sort of bag I should use.
05:24I don't have any place to put my wallet or my keys.
05:27Should I have something off the shoulder, a little grip?
05:29I don't know.
05:30It's a disaster.
05:31It's a total disaster.
05:32All right, Adam, Adam.
05:33I can't handle this.
05:33Give it this way.
05:34I mean, you have an original Mizrahi for, like, eight grand.
05:38What?
05:39You mean I have to pay for this?
05:43Yeah, but it's a steal.
05:44I mean, in Paris, this would cost you $12,000 easy.
05:48Yeah, but I'm probably going to have to shell out four grand for the right bag.
05:51Well, yes.
05:52I was under the impression that the show was paying for this.
05:58Okay, I don't know what you do over in your network, but, um, this is, this is Mad TV,
06:04and we're on Fox, so no, it's just okay.
06:07Oh, I get it.
06:08Well, I guess I'm going to have to have a little talk with Mr. Genius.
06:11All right.
06:12Stick around.
06:13It's going to be a great show.
06:14Isaac!
06:17Oh, bring it on, you breeder.
06:19I'll show you what bad goes to that outfit.
06:21You are now watching Mad TV.
06:36Tonight, Nick at Night is proud to present the most famous lost episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
06:46Originally broadcast on March 3rd, 1977, it was so controversial that the network pulled it off the air after only five minutes.
06:54Never to be seen again, until now.
06:59Hey, hey, um, today, President Carter visited China.
07:04China?
07:05Boring.
07:06Oh, hey, Mayor.
07:07Let me run this by you.
07:09Today, President Carter visited Monte Carlo.
07:13What do you think, Mayor?
07:13China's all news.
07:15Oh!
07:17All right, fine.
07:19China it is, then.
07:20After what they did to us at Pearl Harbor, I don't see if I can keep sucking up to them, though.
07:25Oh, hey, Mayor.
07:26Ted, not now.
07:28Come to think of it, not ever.
07:32Oh!
07:32Mary, what's wrong?
07:36I went on a date last night.
07:39Oh, yeah?
07:40How'd it go?
07:41Oh, it was the worst night of my life.
07:43We went out to dinner, we had drinks, we went dancing, and then I fell in love.
07:49Hmm, I hate when that happens.
07:52This guy sounds great.
07:53What's with all the blubbering, huh?
07:55You don't understand, Ted.
07:58It wasn't a man.
08:00It was a whoop.
08:02A whoop.
08:04A whoop.
08:05Huh?
08:06I think Mary's trying to say she's fallen in love with a woman, Ted.
08:10What's wrong with that?
08:11I do it all the time.
08:12Don't you get it, Ted?
08:16I finally realized I'm gay.
08:20Well, this is gay.
08:21I'd hate to see you depressed.
08:25Mary, my office.
08:27Now.
08:27What am I going to do?
08:32Just be straight with him.
08:34Oh, sorry.
08:42You wanted to see me, Mr. Grant?
08:45Mary, let's take a look at these feature reports you've been doing lately.
08:49The Legacy of Gertrude Stein.
08:53Sisters of Sappho.
08:55Inside the Dinosaur Golf Classic.
08:58Mary, let me explain something to you.
09:01What we do here is the news.
09:04That's why they call it the news.
09:07And not some women's study seminar.
09:10Mr. Grant, I have something to tell you.
09:13Good, because I got something to tell you, too.
09:16A Navy buddy of mine is in town, and I think you two would be great together.
09:20That's very nice, Mr. Grant.
09:22Don't mention it.
09:23But I...
09:24I said don't mention it.
09:25Now, what did you want to tell me?
09:28Mr. Grant, I'm a less...
09:33A lesser person for not having known you all my life.
09:37Oh, that's nice, Mary.
09:41Here's the admiral's number.
09:43He'll be by to pick you up at your place at 2100 hours.
09:47Mr. Grant, I'm a lesbian.
09:48I'm sorry, Mary.
09:52I thought I heard you say that you were a lesbian.
09:56I did.
09:58You mean the kind of lesbian that sleeps with other women?
10:03Yes.
10:04Good.
10:06Good?
10:06Yeah, good.
10:07The admiral's got a daughter.
10:08Oh, Mr. Grant, I knew you'd understand.
10:19Oh, hello.
10:21Ted, you're fired.
10:23What?
10:23Why?
10:24Because I just found out that Mary's a lesbian, and I feel like celebrating.
10:29Well, come on, please, Lula.
10:30I can be as good a lesbian as the next guy.
10:33Well, what do you know?
10:34Maybe we finally found something Ted will be good at.
10:36What?
10:37Oh.
10:39Relax, Ted.
10:39You're not fired.
10:40Oh.
10:44Hey, guys.
10:45Hey, Rhonda.
10:45Hey, Rhonda.
10:46So, ma'am, did you tell them about us?
10:48Oh, I was getting to that part.
10:50I mean, I do, uh.
10:51That's right.
10:52We're here.
10:53We're queer.
10:53Get used to it.
10:54Hey, that's kind of catchy.
10:56You know something?
10:58Took a lot of balls for Mary to come out of the closet like that.
11:03Thank you, Mr. Grant.
11:04I, uh, I wasn't finished.
11:06Oh.
11:07The point is that we all have some secrets of our own we're hiding, so I say we follow
11:11Mary's lead, get everything out in the open right now.
11:15Mary?
11:19Well, uh, I wouldn't kick Hank Aaron out of bed, but I...
11:23That's more than I wanted to know.
11:25Let's go, man.
11:26All right, Rhonda.
11:26Let me start by saying what an honor it is to have you here in my office and to welcome
11:43you on behalf of the World Wrestling Federation.
11:46I will take America and break his back like so, with my knee.
11:51Good, good.
11:52That's exactly what we want to hear.
11:53But I do think we need to talk about your name.
11:57El Aso Wipo.
11:58I am El Aso Wipo.
12:02Yes, yes, I know.
12:03El Aso Wipo will take the WWF and break his back like so, with my knee.
12:09I'm sure you will.
12:11And again, I appreciate having you and your wonderful enthusiasm.
12:14But, uh, the name, uh, maybe El Aso Wipo means something different in Argentina.
12:21It means the ass wiper.
12:25Okay, so it means the same thing.
12:28Uh, look, I'm gonna be straight with you here.
12:32I'm not sure the name works.
12:34All in Argentina tremble at the wrath of El Aso Wipo.
12:39Yeah, yeah, and trembling is good.
12:41Um, but I think we can both agree that, as far as wrestling is concerned, laughing is bad.
12:47Who laughs at El Aso Wipo?
12:48Who?
12:49Tell me, so that I may break their back like so, with my knee.
12:53Yes, that is certainly one way to go about it.
12:56Um, but let me run a couple of things by you.
12:59Uh, what do you think of the wiper?
13:02The wiper?
13:04The wiper of what?
13:05Windows?
13:05Hard to remove stains?
13:07I am El Aso Wipo.
13:08The wiper is stupid.
13:09Okay, all right.
13:10Just thinking out loud, just throwing a few out there.
13:12Um, what about El Aso Kiko?
13:17I am El Aso Wipo.
13:20Those who think to change my name will live in fear.
13:23Look, look, look.
13:24I understand your attachment to the name.
13:26It's catchy, but you're gonna be a joke.
13:29Ha!
13:29Does a joke break back like so, with my knee?
13:33You seem real fixated on this back-breaking thing.
13:37Tell me, how many backs have you actually broken?
13:40All of them!
13:42All of them?
13:44Well, you've broken every back in Argentina.
13:46Of course not.
13:48El Aso Wipo would not break the back of a baby, or the holy back of a priest.
13:52But anybody else who steps into the ring with me have better be in desperate need of having
13:59his back broken, for that is what lies in wait for him.
14:02Grown men will weep.
14:05Beautiful women will dance naked at my feet.
14:08El Aso Wipo will marry Cindy Crawford and borrow two hamburgers with President Bill Clinton.
14:13Little American children will buy El Aso Wipo action figure and stay up late on school nights
14:19to watch El Aso Wipo interview Tom Hanks on El Aso Wipo show.
14:23All this will come to pass, or this country will be a wasteland of broken-backed invalids.
14:32Either you change the name, or you're on the next bus back to Buenos Aires.
14:43The wiper's fine.
14:44I think I can deal with that.
14:46Excellent.
14:47You start Monday.
14:48Okay.
14:49And I know you have my ashtray in your pocket.
14:54It's just that I don't have one at the Y.
14:56Yeah, you're breaking my heart.
14:58Monday.
14:59It's Monday.
15:02I think it's an artist's sketch of the outfit that I want to wear on the show next week.
15:27And let's go see in the room if we have something like that.
15:45We now join world-renowned psychic and spirit guide and stars Kenny Kingston and The Kenny Kingston Show already in progress.
15:51I see you're moving to a larger house.
15:58You're going to have a family.
16:01At one point you stray, but you're not lost for long.
16:07Why do I see a speeding blue Oldsmobile?
16:10Don't know.
16:11Anyway, a big hand for Grady, the Wonder Dog.
16:15Yes.
16:16His new film opens this Tuesday.
16:20Friday.
16:21Friday, right.
16:23And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
16:27Please give a big Kenny Kingston Show welcome for the wounded warrior himself,
16:33Mr. Orenthal James Simpson.
16:35Welcome, sweet spirit.
16:46Thanks, Kenny.
16:47You look delicious.
16:48Doesn't he look scrumptious?
16:49Doesn't he?
16:49There goes my diet.
16:54Anyway, so, no, seriously, seriously.
16:58So, what's an O.J. Simpson up to these days?
17:03Well, Kenny, as you know, we've been searching relentlessly for the real killers.
17:10Are we any closer to capturing these sons of bees?
17:15Actually, we almost had them, but we ran out of cash.
17:19Oh.
17:20I know, Kenny, if we had more money, we could really get these guys.
17:24And how much are you going to need, Jooster?
17:25Thirty-three million.
17:28Fair enough.
17:28And I understand you have a short film you're going to show us.
17:30Yeah, actually, it's a film documenting our search for the real killers.
17:35And I think it shows that we're real close.
17:38Well, that ought to be fun.
17:40Okay, Bruce, do we have that chewed up?
17:41Yes?
17:42Where are we looking?
17:42Here?
17:43Okay, right here.
17:48Ever since that terrible night, I've been consumed with finding the scum who committed this heinous crime.
17:55And I will not rest until they're behind bars where they belong.
17:59This is definitely a Bruno Magli shoe print here.
18:02We're going to cut off this entire area.
18:04I believe I have some police tape in my golf bag.
18:07We're operating on the theory now that the killers are somehow connected to the world of golf.
18:15They're either caddies or involved in golf equipment sales.
18:19I say killers because this much we know for sure.
18:22There had to be seven of them.
18:23Exactly seven.
18:25That number could be as low as five or as high as ten.
18:28But I'm leaning towards seven.
18:31And one guy, let's call him the ringleader, is named Eddie.
18:34Hey, O.J., you want to let these guys play through or what?
18:36What are you talking about?
18:37We're in the middle of an exhaustive murder investigation here.
18:43All the hard work is finally paying off.
18:45And we have had a very interesting break in the case.
18:50Woo!
18:52Yes!
18:53Lay up, lay up.
18:54We are here in the beautiful Bahamas, where my forensic team and I got a tip
18:59that Eddie and two of the other killers had skipped the country.
19:03Now, apparently...
19:04O.J.
19:05Oh, sorry.
19:07Apparently the killers were spotted in this very area.
19:10And here's another interesting wrinkle.
19:11There's even a possibility that Eddie himself is Bahamian,
19:14which would answer a bunch of questions that have been bugging me for a long time.
19:18Yes!
19:19You didn't make that, did you?
19:20As much as I hate being away from my beloved children, Jason, and...
19:26Oh.
19:27Or the other one.
19:28I've got a job to do.
19:29And if I have to scour every damn golf course on this planet,
19:33I will capture the bad guys.
19:36So we find ourselves in Cancun.
19:39And something tells me we are real close.
19:41You can cut the tension with a knife.
19:43I have a gut feeling we're just a chip shot away from these punks.
19:49Now, if we can...
19:52Take that to the lab.
19:55Just keep the pressure on.
19:57I'm sure eventually they're gonna mess up.
20:01Wait!
20:02It's them!
20:03You're right!
20:04There they are!
20:05What a stroke of luck!
20:10Okay, King.
20:11Showtime.
20:13Dead battery, O.J.
20:22Damn it!
20:25We're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
20:30It's a hard!
20:30We're off the right!
20:32Give me that!
20:35Go on it now!
20:38To the right!
20:39To the right!
20:41To the right!
20:42We almost had them that time, but we ran out of money.
20:46So I guess the point is, $33 million would go a long way towards helping us nail these real killers.
20:54Because you know what really bugs me that these punks are surreptitiously walking around free as birds.
21:00You know, acting like they're all innocent and everything.
21:06I'm gonna nail them!
21:08And believe you me, with your help, we are gonna nail them.
21:14All right!
21:14You know, I am angrier than a summer beetle.
21:32You know what?
21:34Let's get those buggers.
21:35Let's get them.
21:36Who?
21:37The killers.
21:37Oh, right!
21:38I am going to astrally project myself back to that terrible, terrible night.
21:43Here we go.
21:45Guide me, sweet spirits, guide me.
21:50You see anybody here, Kenny?
21:52No, but I hear wind chimes.
21:53God, I love wind chimes.
21:55Wait.
21:56There's someone in the bushes.
21:58Now, be careful now, Kenny.
21:59There's at least six other guys around there somewhere.
22:00Probably Bahamians.
22:01He's stepping out into the light now.
22:03Call out the name Eddie, see if he reacts.
22:06Eddie!
22:06No, now I ran back into the bushes.
22:09No, he's coming out again.
22:11He's wearing a ski mask and a blue tracksuit.
22:13He...
22:14He's taking off the ski mask.
22:17I can see his face now.
22:19It's...
22:20It's...
22:20Oh, darn, I lost it.
22:27Who'd you see, Kenny?
22:29No one couldn't make it out.
22:30That's the thing with those sweet spirits.
22:32They'll...
22:32They'll tease you like a 16-year-old...
22:34Well, they'll tease you.
22:35Anyway, uh...
22:37That's our show for today.
22:39Who'd you see, Kenny?
22:39I'd like to thank Grady, the Wonder Dog.
22:41And I'd like to thank you, O.J.
22:42Thank you for coming, too.
22:43Good night, sweet spirits.
22:46Heh.
22:47Uh...
22:47Please send your donations to the search.
22:50Kev Orenthal, Jane Simpson, P.O. Box,
22:523333, Brentwood, California.
22:55Who'd you see, Kenny?
22:56Coming up on MADtv.
23:09Give him some change.
23:10You know, he could use it.
23:11He's not like one of those crazy guys off the street.
23:13They're like,
23:13Ah, Satan took my brain!
23:15Come on, chicky baby.
23:17It's cotton time.
23:19Don't take this personally,
23:21but I'm getting tired
23:22of meeting pervs on the street
23:24whose eyes bug out like this.
23:50Charles?
23:51We, uh,
23:52went over the results of your tests,
23:54and I'm afraid, uh,
23:55we were right about your kidney.
23:56It's gonna have to come out.
23:58It's not possible.
23:58There's nothing wrong with my kidney.
24:00I wish I had better news for you.
24:02Hey,
24:02maybe you were allowed to screw up.
24:03You ever thought of that?
24:06He's not gonna cooperate.
24:07Turn up the heat?
24:09Stat.
24:10Charles!
24:11That's a nice suit.
24:12Cigarette?
24:15Thanks.
24:15Yeah.
24:16So,
24:17you gonna stick with your story?
24:19Kidney's fine.
24:22Everything's fine.
24:24It's not a story.
24:25It's true, okay?
24:26Oh, yeah?
24:27Well, then,
24:27how do you explain these
24:28kidney stones, tough guy?
24:30They're not mine.
24:31I swear,
24:32I was just holding them
24:32for a friend.
24:33Go on, Charles.
24:34Don't make this hard on yourself.
24:36Look,
24:36I don't know the guy's
24:37exact address, okay?
24:38Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
24:39We pulled him out
24:39of your urethra, okay?
24:42I don't know.
24:43Maybe somebody planted him there.
24:45People like you
24:45make me sick!
24:47Just give me five minutes
24:47with this punk.
24:48Five minutes!
24:49Easy, Barnes.
24:50Easy, easy, easy.
24:53Listen,
24:54I know you want
24:55to protect your kidney,
24:56but what's it done
24:57for you lately
24:57besides wake you up
24:58five times a night
24:58to take a leak, huh?
24:59You'll make you pee
25:00in your pants
25:00on the bus.
25:03Look, Doc,
25:03there's nothing wrong
25:04with my kidney, okay?
25:05My stream is clean.
25:06Come on, Charles.
25:08These x-rays
25:09look familiar?
25:11No.
25:11Take a good look.
25:14I swear, Doc,
25:14I've never seen
25:15these before.
25:15Oh, I swear.
25:16Well, maybe I can help
25:16refresh your memory.
25:17Is this helpful?
25:18Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
25:21All right, you're right, Charlie.
25:23These aren't your kidneys.
25:24We don't have to take them out,
25:25and you can do dialysis
25:27three times a week
25:28upstate for life.
25:29Oh, yeah.
25:31They're gonna love you
25:33in intensive care,
25:35a nice little spring chicken
25:36with nice shiny black
25:37stitches all over you's.
25:40Kid, kid.
25:42Take the easy way.
25:44Give me a kidney voluntarily
25:45or Barnes goes in
25:46and he won't just stop
25:47at your kidney. It'll be an organ free-for-all.
25:49Doc, you don't know what's like out there on the street, okay?
25:51You take my kidney. I'm not gonna last five minutes.
25:53Okay. You want something to drink?
25:56Got any cranberry juice?
25:58Oh!
26:00Yeah, we got cranberry juice.
26:02You think your diaper can handle it?
26:05Yeah.
26:06It can't... No. No, wait.
26:07What diaper? Well, I don't know, Charles.
26:09You tell me.
26:11Are you wearing one or aren't you?
26:14Huh?
26:15Why are you guys asking me?
26:18Shouldn't you have that rattle up and I get tears or something?
26:20Where's my scalpel?
26:22I'm going in. I'm taking it out right here, right now.
26:24Get off of me, or are you?
26:26Come on, chicky baby.
26:28It's cutting time.
26:30You better make up your mind, Charles.
26:31I don't know how long I can hold him back here.
26:33Oh, okay, okay, okay.
26:34All right, take my kidney. I don't care anymore.
26:37It's bad. My kidney is bad.
26:39Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
26:44You made a good decision, Charles.
26:46You made a good decision.
26:47And you can make an apartment with reception on the way out, all right?
26:50Send in Mrs. Donnelly, please.
26:51Yes, Dr. Barnes.
26:53Look, I'm sorry.
26:55Just get the hell out of my sight, okay?
27:00Mrs. Donnelly, how's the baby?
27:03What baby?
27:05I think she's covering for someone.
27:07Mrs. Donnelly, take a seat.
27:08Can you spend some change?
27:23She'll be coming around the mountain.
27:25Can you spend some change?
27:26Oh, sorry.
27:28I don't have any change on me.
27:29All right, that's all right. Thanks anyway.
27:31It's funny, because I usually have a lot of change.
27:32It's no problem.
27:32Because I like to pay for things with exact change, you know?
27:34It just makes everything go faster, you know?
27:36I mean, if somebody says, hey, that's $9.21, you go, all right, here's $9.21, you know?
27:41I mean, the problem is, when you pay for everything with exact change, eventually, you run out of change.
27:49Fascinating. I'll talk to you some other time, all right?
27:51All right, thanks.
27:52She'll be coming around.
27:54Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
27:55I think I got some change.
27:56Oh, that's great.
27:56Oh, sorry.
27:58It's just keys.
27:59Yeah.
28:00That's weird.
28:01Totally sounded like change in my pocket.
28:03Wait, does it?
28:03Listen.
28:04Yeah, that sounds like change.
28:06Yeah.
28:07I was totally fooled.
28:08Yeah, me too.
28:08All right, bye now, okay?
28:09Bye.
28:10All right.
28:11Hey.
28:11She'll be coming.
28:12Didn't you used to be in front of a shoe store over on Wilshire?
28:14Sometimes, yeah.
28:15Yeah.
28:15Yeah, I totally knew I recognized you.
28:17Yeah.
28:18I used to use you as a landmark when I give directions sometimes.
28:21Hey, did you spend some change?
28:22Hey, so you moved from the shoe store, huh?
28:23How come?
28:24Well, wait, I'm sorry.
28:25You guys call it moving?
28:26You know, because usually when I think I'm moving, you know, I think, you know, like one house to another house, you know?
28:30I mean, even if you don't have a house, I suppose you still move.
28:32You just call it walking.
28:33Guy, guy.
28:34I've got about an hour left here where I can make some money, all right?
28:36So if you just...
28:37Oh, yeah.
28:38Yeah, thanks.
28:38Can you spend some change?
28:39Excuse me.
28:40Yeah, totally.
28:41Give him some change.
28:41You know, he could use it, because he's not like one of those crazy guys off the street.
28:44They're like, ah, Satan took my brain.
28:48All right, thanks anyway.
28:51Boy, this is harder than it looks.
28:52Yeah, being homeless is usually so easy.
28:54All right.
28:55Yeah.
28:55Well, maybe it's your sign.
28:57I mean, nobody can see it down there.
28:58You should put it up where somebody can see it.
28:59Hey, hey, hey.
29:01What are you doing?
29:03Trying to get me kicked out of here?
29:05Oh, no.
29:05Excuse me.
29:05Excuse me.
29:06Yeah, I guess you're right.
29:07The sign's cool.
29:08You should get a monkey.
29:09Get out of here.
29:10No, seriously.
29:11Think about it.
29:11You mean, you've got the monkey and the guy with the thing, and the monkey dances around,
29:14steals your sandwich.
29:15I mean, you wouldn't have to do anything.
29:16I mean, the monkey would just, like, take the cup and be like...
29:18Hey, hey!
29:20Come on with me, huh?
29:22Ah, damn it.
29:23All right, look.
29:23Here, look.
29:24I am going to pay you to leave, all right?
29:26Here.
29:27Take it.
29:27Here.
29:28Now get out of here, all right?
29:29Go!
29:30Okay.
29:31See you later.
29:33Hey, wait a minute.
29:35I got a lot of change now.
29:42It's like a simple move.
29:53Imagine, like, 50 legs here.
29:57See, now, that doesn't look so good now, but, like, if you have the rest of my dancers.
30:06You are bad.
30:09Oh, we go.
30:10Here we are.
30:10Three, twenty, five.
30:11Oh!
30:11Oh, oh, oh, oh.
30:13No, no, no, no, no.
30:13Oh, boy, oh, boy.
30:14No, no, no.
30:15What?
30:15There's no carpeting.
30:16Dad, it's a college dorm.
30:17What do you expect?
30:18No, this floor is going to get cold.
30:21It was great meeting you girls, and please be nice to Mark.
30:24He's still a virgin.
30:26Mom!
30:27Connie, look at this.
30:28There's no carpeting.
30:29This floor is going to get cold.
30:30Aw, nuts, Joel.
30:32Arizona is not going to get cold.
30:34It's the desert.
30:35It gets cold at night.
30:36We saw that on the Discovery Channel.
30:37That's right.
30:38Oh, and Mark, you've got to watch out for scorpions.
30:40Don't leave your underwear on the floor.
30:42They'll hide in there.
30:43Then they'll go after your privates.
30:45Okay, okay, okay.
30:46Mom, stop, stop.
30:47All right, listen.
30:48If you guys have a long drive home, I'll call you on Sunday, okay?
30:50Oh, Mark, Mark, your father and I got a hotel room for a week, just till you get settled in.
30:54No, Mom, come on.
30:55You don't have to do that.
30:56I'll be fine.
30:56Oh, hi.
31:00You must be, uh, Mark Linder.
31:01Any update on the carpet situation?
31:03What?
31:04I'm sorry, yeah, I'm your new roommate.
31:05How you doing?
31:06Oh, oh, oh, oh.
31:07Oh, oh, oh.
31:07Roomies, huh?
31:08Oh, look at these studly bookends.
31:12Heartbreakers.
31:13I'm sorry, man.
31:14This is my dad.
31:16Joel Linder.
31:16Yeah, Carl Bennett, man.
31:17What's up?
31:17And my mom.
31:18Hi, Carl.
31:19Connie Linder.
31:20Hey, Joel, grab his duffel.
31:21Sure.
31:22Okay, okay, but they were just leaving, so...
31:24No, not until Carl here promises to take care of our baby for us.
31:28Yeah.
31:28Mom!
31:29See, the fact is, Carl, this is Mark's first time away from home, and the little fellow's
31:32scared right out of his mind.
31:34Dad, I am not.
31:35So don't be surprised if he soaks his mattress tonight.
31:38God.
31:39And if he starts yelping in the middle of the night like a little girl, it's just because
31:42he's having nightmares.
31:43Yeah, he'll probably just want to get in bed with you and snuggle.
31:45Yeah.
31:46Oh, but it's not like he's coming on to you or nothing.
31:48Oh, God, no.
31:49You just rock him gently till he falls back to sleep.
31:52Okay, okay, yeah, right, right, right.
31:53Okay, come on.
31:54Goodbye.
31:54Hey, hey, hey, hey, hold it, hold it.
31:57Uh, Connie?
31:59Hey, Mark, why don't you go play with your posters?
32:02Yeah.
32:02What?
32:03Carl, now that you're part of the Linder family, make sure Mark takes two of these a day.
32:07Yeah, you just mash him into his peas and carrots.
32:09These are tranquilizers.
32:11No, no, no.
32:11What's a medical term for him?
32:12Something like, uh, spaz pills.
32:14Spaz pills?
32:15I don't have spazms.
32:16This does not concern you, Mr. Big Nose.
32:19No doctor's ever diagnosed me as being spasmodic.
32:21That's true, true.
32:22But as a toddler, you had a look, son.
32:25And a look?
32:27Now, Carl, when he runs out of the prescription, you just call this veterinarian.
32:30Yeah, you're telling me you've got a very large dog.
32:33You mean to be dog tranquilizers?
32:35For God's sakes, Mark, we didn't want you going all Menendez on us.
32:41You guys are psychotic.
32:43Us?
32:43You're the spaz.
32:44You psycho.
32:45Spaz.
32:46Psycho.
32:46You're a spaz.
32:47Psycho.
32:47Oh, can it.
32:48And Mark, just take your spaz pills.
32:53Okay.
32:53Atta boy.
32:54What's that, then?
32:56Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Linda, we got an orientation meeting in a couple of minutes, so, um...
33:00Yeah, and parents aren't allowed.
33:03Well, I guess our little baby bird's leaving the nest, then.
33:07Goodbye, Mark.
33:09Okay, be strong, Mama Bird.
33:10Be strong.
33:11It's okay, Mom.
33:12It's okay.
33:12Oh, Marky.
33:13That's fine, Mom.
33:14Mom.
33:15You're hurting my neck.
33:16Connie.
33:17Mom.
33:17Connie.
33:18Connie, for God's sake, Connie.
33:22Okay.
33:23Mark, you call us if you need anything, okay?
33:26And we'll see you at Thanksgiving.
33:27And at Thanksgiving, do you want mashed potatoes, or do you want scalloped potatoes?
33:34Man, that was...
33:35That was harsh, man.
33:35They drive me crazy, man.
33:37Yeah, you know what I do when people start tripping like that?
33:40What?
33:40I bludge them with a blunt instrument until they're almost dead, and I hack them up with a chainsaw
33:44in a tiny little pieces, put them in a meat grinder, and feed it to my neighbor's pit bull.
33:49That's what I should do, man.
33:57Mom?
34:00Dad?
34:02Mommy!
34:02Mommy!
34:13Ginger Snaps, number 395.
34:20Hi.
34:21My name is Ginger Snaps.
34:24I'm a model slash dancer.
34:27This week, I'll be performing at Fat Sacks in Dallas.
34:32Now, you're probably familiar with my work in such magazines as Birthday Suit, Latvian Schoolgirls,
34:39Mudslide, and Whack.
34:40Now, just because you see me naked doesn't mean you know me.
34:45The camera can't take a picture of my mind or my personality.
34:50And I don't know what you guys do out there when you look at pictures of me.
34:53That's your business.
34:55So, don't take this personally.
34:58But I'm getting tired of meeting pervs on the street whose eyes bug out like this.
35:04Then they think they have a right to catcall, pinch my behind, or ask me out.
35:09Well, here's a message to those kind of guys.
35:13You will never have a girl like me.
35:15You can look, but you'll never touch.
35:18I will always be one-dimensional to you.
35:22The only type of girl you stand a chance of getting is someone like this.
35:30So, I guess I'm looking for a guy who's never seen me naked.
35:34I like Euclidean Geometry, Forensic Science, and once I stop smoking pot, I'll start jogging again.
35:42Call me.
35:43Four ginger snaps, press pound 395.
35:46Lower expectations.
35:49Ladies and gentlemen, help me welcome out a very funny man.
36:19Bob Marley.
36:26Great to be here.
36:27I just moved to Los Angeles from Maine.
36:30People out here are really friendly.
36:31Just today, I was walking down Sunset Strip.
36:33This woman came out of nowhere.
36:35She said, it's a really short skirt.
36:36Came up to about right around here, I guess it was.
36:39She said, hey, I'll spank you for 20 bucks.
36:42I didn't know what to do.
36:43I went home and called my mother up.
36:44I said, hey, Ma, you can make a lot of money out here.
36:49My mother's crazy.
36:50She's one of these crazy women always pulling down her sweater.
36:52You know what I mean?
36:52She's always yanking at it in the front.
36:53She's always like, that's what I said.
36:54Do you hear what I said?
36:55Why is it when they always got to cover up their ass, they always got to move the whole body with it?
36:58You hear what I'm saying?
36:59That's what I'm saying.
37:00Let's know what I'm saying.
37:01You know what I'm saying?
37:02My God.
37:03Me and my sister used to drive my mother so crazy.
37:06You ever get your mother so crazy, she don't even know what she's saying anymore?
37:08She's trying to yell at you, but she's just so whacked out, it's coming out all twisted.
37:12Well, that's what I'm saying to you.
37:13That's what I'm saying.
37:14I pay taxes.
37:15I pay taxes.
37:16I pay taxes.
37:17I'm driving a Chevy.
37:18Your father's a moron.
37:20I can't get any help out here.
37:22I'll be looking at my sister going, come on, we can still get out of the house if we run quick.
37:27She used to threaten us with my father.
37:28You ever get your mother to that boiling point where she's so mad she's got no other option but to threaten you with your father?
37:33You know what I mean?
37:33Wait till your father gets home.
37:35Me and my sister just laughed like hell because my father didn't care about anything except his tools.
37:41Don't ever touch your father's tools.
37:44He used to walk around the house fuming.
37:45I said, Dad, what's the matter?
37:46I'll tell you what the matter is.
37:4720 minutes ago, I had a hammer right here.
37:51You see a hammer here now?
37:53No, you don't!
37:55Now, that hammer didn't just get up and walk away.
37:57I said, well, maybe those hammer fairies took it, Dad.
38:01Oh, the hammer fairies, your ass.
38:04I did a lot of stupid things growing up.
38:06We used to go out in the middle of the woods and have big keg parties.
38:08Here's what happens if you've never been to one before.
38:10You go out in the middle of the woods and pass out these big, gigantic, red plastic party keg cups.
38:1587 gallons of fluid.
38:17Everybody stands there drinking and yelling,
38:19Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
38:20Ah!
38:21Then they start to see flashlights come through the woods.
38:24Shut up, everybody!
38:25Shut up!
38:26The cops are coming!
38:29Be quiet!
38:31Because if you're quiet, they won't be able to pick out 600 drunk kids in the woods with big, red plastic cups in their hands.
38:40And all it takes is for one kid to yell the wrong word.
38:43Run!
38:44Everybody, woo-hoo!
38:47You don't even know where you're running, but you'll just keep going.
38:50But you don't drop the cup because it costs 45 cents.
38:53Meanwhile, this tree branch is hitting you in the head.
38:57Everybody keeps running.
38:58They end up drunk in the middle of Main Street with big, red cups in their hands.
39:02The cops come cruising up.
39:03What's going on?
39:04I don't know, but I didn't smell anything.
39:09Then it's time to go home.
39:10You gotta go home at the end of the night.
39:11You ever have your friends bring you home after you've been out drinking?
39:14They don't want you to get any kind of trouble when they drop you off at the house, do they?
39:17Yeah, right.
39:18That's usually why when they drop you off, they do a few 360s on your front lawn, shoot
39:25a cannonball through your living room, throw all the red cups out of the car as they burn
39:29rubber and wail on the horn driving down the street.
39:36I'm at the end of the driveway.
39:37See you guys later!
39:41I'll see you guys later!
39:42Yeah!
39:44You the man!
39:52That's when I made the turn and realized, uh-oh, that's my house.
39:56I started walking up the driveway and I heard the light switch.
39:59Click!
40:00I grabbed a twig.
40:01I tried to hide.
40:03I'm hoping it'd be my father.
40:04He wouldn't care.
40:06Not a chance in hell.
40:07There she stood.
40:08Big sweater-pulling crazy woman.
40:10Where are you, you little bastard?
40:13I know you're out there.
40:14Come out, come out wherever you are.
40:16I'm looking.
40:16I see you behind that twig over there.
40:18Get up over here.
40:19I want some answers.
40:20I want to know exactly where you've been.
40:21Listen, Ma.
40:22Me and the guys, we're out.
40:24Out where?
40:24I want answers.
40:25I want to know exactly where you've been.
40:26You look awful fishy.
40:27Get over here.
40:30What the hell's that smell?
40:32Oh, my God.
40:33You've been out drinking.
40:35Listen, Ma.
40:36Somebody spilled it on me.
40:37No, I know the smell.
40:41I know the smell.
40:42All my hard work down the drain.
40:43You go out and you've been drinking.
40:44No!
40:45Then my father comes down.
40:47All right, what the hell's going on down here?
40:49Well, would you look at your son?
40:50He's hammered.
40:51What's that?
40:52You found my hammer?
40:55Thanks, guys.
40:56Go!
41:07Go!
41:14Go!
41:19Go!
41:19Go!
41:20Go!
41:20Go!
41:21Whoo!
41:23Whoo!
41:24Whoo!
41:25Whoo!
41:26Whoo!
41:27Whoo!
41:28Ow.
41:29Are you in there?
41:30Ow.
41:31It's Nicole from MADtv.
41:32Ow.
41:33Just wanted to say hi.
41:48Well, everybody, this is the best
41:50That's our show for tonight.
41:52I hope you had as good a time as I did.
41:54I would like to thank Isaac and the cast.
41:57Good night.
42:00You can turn on the girls and look at her smile
42:08You can get down on her knees
42:11And show all the girls just how to be
42:14Well, you're a gay girl and now you know it
42:17So get up off your ass and show it
42:22Lesbians are all around the world
42:25Shouldn't it be so hard to find a girl
42:29You are a lesbian after all
42:34You are a lesbian after all
42:41Meow.
42:43Meow.
42:44Ah!
42:45Oh!
42:46I'm a lesbian
42:47I'm a lesbian
42:48You have a lesbian
43:02I'm a lesbian
43:04You're a lesbian
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