- 5 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 4
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready for breakfast!
00:15Morning, honey.
00:17In this corner of the kitchen, weighing in at 158 pounds,
00:21because she sits on her fat ass all day watching talk shows,
00:24my wife, Alice Big Butt Buffer!
00:30And at 62 pounds, my special son, PJ, Blue Baby, Buffer!
00:38Daddy doesn't mean that, sweetie.
00:41And at 78 pounds, about to waste food because it will come back up in 10 minutes,
00:46my daughter, Lisa, the bulimic Kid Buffer!
00:53Daddy's just getting pumpkin!
00:56Dad, are you coming to my football game tonight?
00:58What? You in a football game?
01:01Let's get ready to fumble!
01:05No, thanks.
01:06Okay, kids, off to school.
01:10Daddy loves you!
01:14Oh, uh, hi, Michael. I didn't expect to see you here.
01:17Entering the Buffer household, weighing 215 pounds,
01:22the man who I know has been sleeping with my fat wife for the past four months,
01:26my backstabbing next-door neighbor, Larry, the Rat Bastard Reynolds!
01:33Uh, I'll see you later, Mike.
01:35I'm so sorry, honey. What should I do?
01:40All future discussions will be related through my noted divorce attorney.
01:45His record, 255 dissolutions with one reconciliation.
01:50Ladies and gentlemen, the man with the plan to make sure you get absolutely nothing,
01:55introducing the undefeated Lance the Stone Squeezer, Higgins!
02:02Don't sing anything else till we get to trial.
02:04Well, just one final thing.
02:07Let's get ready to rumble!
02:09Let's get ready to rumble!
02:39Let's get ready to rumble!
03:10We're the boy now watching MADtv!
03:17Hey! Hey! Hey! All right! Welcome to MADtv!
03:22Thank you! Thank you!
03:27Oh, man. I tell you, it's great to be on live right after the big fight.
03:31Oh, and what a fight it was!
03:33Chalk up another victory for Mike Tyson!
03:35Hey, what'd you expect?
03:37Look out, Frank Bruno! Here comes Mike!
03:39I have not seen a fight like that since Hearn Tagler!
03:42At least! It was World War III in there!
03:44Yeah, for Buster it was!
03:46All right, we're all pumped up, so let's get ready for a knockout show!
03:54All right!
03:55This is for Mad TV!
03:59Oh, man! Thank you!
04:01I tell you, it's great to be on live right after the big fight!
04:05And what a fight it was!
04:06Chalk up another victory for Buster Madness Jr!
04:11What'd you expect?
04:12Look out, Frank Bruno! Here comes Buster!
04:14I have not seen a fight like that since Hearn Tagler!
04:17At least! It was World War III in there!
04:19Yeah, for Mike it was!
04:21All right, we're all pumped up, so let's get ready for a knockout show!
04:25Yes!
04:30Hey!
04:33Welcome to Mad TV!
04:36Thank you! Oh, man, it's great to be on live right after the big fight!
04:39And what a fight it was!
04:40Chalk up another draw for Mike Tyson and Buster Madness Jr!
04:45Yeah!
04:46Hey, what'd you expect?
04:47Look out, Frank Bruno! Here comes...
04:50...either one of them!
04:52Coming at ya!
04:53It's a whoop-ass sandwich, hold the mercy!
04:56You don't see draws like that these days!
04:58All right, we're all pumped up, so let's get ready for a knockout show!
05:01Hey, all right! Welcome to Mad TV!
05:11It is great to be on live right after the big cancellation.
05:14I have not seen a cancellation like that since the baseball strike of 94!
05:18I guess Iron Mike hurt his thumb.
05:20Oh, did your thumb, Mike? Did your thumb hurt?
05:23Yeah, right!
05:25All right, we're all still pumped up, so let's get ready for a knockout show!
05:29Brad, my best friend. We've known each other since we were seven.
05:38When it comes to friends as good as Brad, I think of high again.
05:42Brad taught me how to drive a stick on my old man's car.
05:48So, Townsend, is there any way you could rest us without telling our folks?
05:52There's nothing we didn't do for each other.
05:54Through good times and great times.
05:59I was Brad's best man.
06:04Again and again.
06:07And he was my main man.
06:09Brad was there through it all.
06:11And so was Hygen.
06:13Nothing came between us.
06:15Brad is always gonna be Brad.
06:19Check it out.
06:20Oh, dude.
06:21Here we go.
06:22When it comes to friends as good as Brad, I always think of high again.
06:26Brad, Brad!
06:27Some things never change.
06:28And the best part of it all, even when you say goodbye, you can always say hi again.
06:32Hi again.
06:33Because you don't have to be number one to drink the number one beer.
06:49You are now watching the TV.
07:08Alright, you're doing great.
07:10Way ahead on points.
07:11Alright, now all you gotta do is stay away from him for one more round and you are the champ.
07:14What the hell is his problem?
07:17You didn't say anything about his haircut.
07:19He just got it cut.
07:20Oh, man.
07:21I'm so bad at those things.
07:23Alright, just stay away from this guy.
07:25Did you get a haircut?
07:26That looks great.
07:28Alright, now get in there and kill it.
07:31Handsome.
07:32What's with you today?
07:41I don't think I can do this anymore.
07:43I feel like I'm living a lie.
07:46Duh.
07:47That's your job.
07:48That's what you do.
07:49That's who you are.
07:50I wish I could believe that.
07:53This is about us, isn't it?
07:57Let's move!
08:02We're going, stop.
08:30What do we got?
08:34Unemployed 80s child actor.
08:35Again?
08:36What did you tell him about Willis?
08:38What did you tell him about Willis?
08:42We've got to get this man a new catchphrase.
08:44Stat!
08:44Bang! Zoom! To the moon, Alice!
08:46Sorry about that.
08:47Cheap nano, nano.
08:48Here's Margaret.
08:49Nano, nano.
08:50Let's get his agents on the phone.
08:51What time is it?
08:52Four o'clock.
08:52Damn, they'll still be at lunch.
08:54I pity the fool.
08:55We got real trouble.
08:56The inquirer found out that client of yours is a lesbian.
08:58You should have known that yesterday, Carter.
09:00Don't you read Liz Smith?
09:01What's your diagnosis here?
09:03You find the first available man who'll marry anybody?
09:05And that is?
09:06Larry King.
09:07Worth a try.
09:07Canonic Carter.
09:08Stat.
09:08Who'll we lose?
09:11There's nothing you could do.
09:13His career was dead a long time ago.
09:18Could you stop thinking about PR for one second and think about us?
09:21Us?
09:22Okay, Doug, I'll think about us.
09:24And people.
09:25And Rolling Stone.
09:26And how about when you got Julia Roberts that December Vanity Fair cover
09:29instead of Uma Thurman?
09:31Was that your way of getting my attention?
09:33I just want you back.
09:35So we could spend time reading Variety in bed together like we used to.
09:38Time?
09:40Tell that to my clients.
09:41Tell that to Mayim Bialik when she's doing Showgirls 2.
09:45Uh, guys?
09:46Come on.
09:47You got a career to save?
09:48Homie, don't play, Dad.
09:51Die, no light!
09:52Off your nose with a rubber hose.
09:54I'm losing him.
09:55These catchphrases expired years ago.
09:57Homie knows Willis.
09:58So what's with you and this organ grinder?
09:59Are you going to do for him what you did for Siegfried and Roy?
10:01Not now.
10:02I lost Todd Bridges and I'm not going to lose him too.
10:07Let's get happy.
10:08Uh, uh, uh, open the door.
10:09You know the score.
10:10Uh, uh.
10:10Bring on the cheese.
10:11Yeah, yeah, more.
10:11I'll be in the camp.
10:13This is about us, isn't it?
10:15I said not now.
10:16No, I meant that as a catchphrase.
10:17Oh.
10:19I don't know why you're back here at PR, Mr. West.
10:21Didn't we get you a new series?
10:22Yeah, but it's on Comedy Central, for God's sakes.
10:25You've got to help me.
10:26I have to play Batman one last time.
10:29Why not go to the networks and pitch a new Batman series?
10:31That's not our job, Carter, and you know it.
10:33The best we can do is start a smear campaign against Val Kilmer and hope for the best.
10:36Yes.
10:37Yes, I'm right.
10:38A little hand-to-hand with a paparazzi?
10:42Pow.
10:42Zap.
10:43Bill.
10:44Thank you, old chap.
10:46Do you want Burt Ward involved in this?
10:49I'd rather have Gary Coleman.
10:54You better watch it, son.
10:55I'm the man with the plan.
10:56I'm cuckoo bananas.
10:57Get goofy on the juicy.
10:58Danger, danger, what Robert said.
11:00What you talking about, Batman?
11:02What you talking about, Batman?
11:05Batman.
11:06What you talking about?
11:08Batman.
11:09Wait, I think he's got something.
11:12What you talking about, Batman?
11:19Good work, everyone.
11:20Hello.
11:22Oh, we got ourselves a comeback.
11:25Sure, he's all right.
11:27But what about us?
11:27Emergency call from Idaho.
11:35Yeah, this is Green.
11:36You guys handle PR, right?
11:37Yep, we're the best.
11:38I need help real bad.
11:40My name is Mark Furman.
11:47This is about me, isn't it?
11:49I'm not a big fan.
11:50I'm sorry.
12:00Julie.
12:01I'm sorry.
12:02I want to see you next time.
12:05He's all right.
12:06I'm happy.
12:06I'm happy.
12:08I'm happy.
12:09I'm happy.
12:09I've got you.
12:10I'm happy.
12:11I'm happy.
12:12I'm happy.
12:13I'm happy.
12:13I'm happy.
12:14All right, you're looking good, champ.
12:41All right, get his eyes, get his eyes.
12:43There we go, there we go.
12:44Perfect.
12:47Pretty.
12:48Whatever.
12:59Please, I need a doctor.
13:02Hi, welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital.
13:05How may I help you?
13:06I'm going to have a baby, and it's two months early.
13:09All right, the doctor is very busy,
13:11but let me ask you a few quick questions.
13:13Okay, do you have any health insurance?
13:15Yes, White Cross.
13:16All right, and can you give me your husband's name
13:19so we can contact him?
13:20I'm not married.
13:21I'm sorry, but we can't admit you.
13:31What?
13:31I am so sorry, but we here at Sisters of Mercy
13:33don't condone bastard children.
13:37But you know what?
13:38County Hospital will be more than happy to help you.
13:41Thanks for stopping by, Sisters of Mercy.
13:42Take care.
13:43Bye-bye.
13:44Thanks.
13:44Shoot.
13:45I love you.
13:47Okay.
13:48Bye-bye.
13:49Oh, my, please.
13:50Somebody help my husband.
13:51Hurry, please.
13:52Hi.
13:53Welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital.
13:55How may I help you?
13:56We're driving down the highway,
13:57and car coming in on a crash.
13:58Okay, we're calming down.
14:00We're calming down.
14:02And now we're calm.
14:04Sir, may I ask you your name?
14:06Bob.
14:07Okay, sir.
14:08Sir, I'm sorry, you're going to have to enunciate.
14:10Bob Elder.
14:11Okay, you know what?
14:12I was asking him.
14:14Okay.
14:14Sir, can you tell me your blood type?
14:17A negative.
14:17A negative, please hurry.
14:19He is a hemophiliac.
14:22A hemophiliac?
14:23Yes.
14:24Child.
14:26You know what?
14:27What?
14:28I'm sorry, but we can't admit him.
14:30What do you mean you can't admit him?
14:32You see, he's a hemophiliac,
14:33and we here at Sisters of Mercy
14:34don't condone that lifestyle choice.
14:36I'm so sorry.
14:37No, are you crazy?
14:38You've got to do something.
14:39The bleeding won't stop.
14:40Ma'am, I can't talk to you
14:41when you're screaming at me.
14:42I'm not screaming at you.
14:43Okay.
14:43I'm not screaming.
14:44I'm not screaming.
14:45Don't tell me I'm screaming.
14:45Bye-bye.
14:47What the hell are you doing?
14:49You just turned away a dying man.
14:51Someone help him.
14:52Oh, God, thank you.
14:54Oh, my God.
14:54Good evening, Dr. Gruber.
14:58That's it.
14:59You're fired.
15:00Leave now.
15:02And what about us?
15:04We're through.
15:05Okay, so sorry it didn't work out.
15:10But thanks for letting me sleep with you.
15:13And thanks for letting me work here
15:14at Sisters of Mercy Hospital.
15:16Please, you've got to help me, please.
15:18I can't thank it anymore.
15:20It keeps spreading.
15:20Okay, sir, why don't you calm down
15:22and talk like a normal human being?
15:23I think I got that flesh-eating thing.
15:26Oh, and that's very contagious now, isn't it?
15:29Yes, it sure is.
15:31Yeah, you know what?
15:33Uh-huh.
15:35Dr. Gruber, we'd be happy to see you.
15:36Just go right through those doors
15:37and give him a great big hug.
15:39You're very welcome.
15:41Bye-bye, sir.
15:43Now!
15:44Oh, God, now!
15:47And bye-bye, Dr. Gruber.
16:03Howdy, folks.
16:04Howdy, Michael Jones.
16:07Let's chat, shall we?
16:09I love people, except when they lie to me.
16:13The other day I saw a genie, you know,
16:15from I Dream of Genie at a department store.
16:17And I asked her if she could make some furniture disappear.
16:21And she said that she doesn't have the power to do that.
16:25She said that her name is Barbara Eden.
16:28And what they did on I Dream of Genie was stop the camera,
16:32then take all of the furniture out of the room
16:34before they turn the cameras back on again.
16:37Poppycock, I don't believe it.
16:40I wonder if Major Nelson knows about this.
16:43I doubt it.
16:45Last week I saw Mr. Carter at a department store,
16:48and I said to him,
16:49Hey, Mr. Carter, where's Mesopotamia?
16:52And he said he has no idea.
16:56You're a history teacher.
16:58How could you have no idea, liar?
17:01No one of those sweaters are so stupid.
17:03They're being taught by a liar.
17:05And what the hell does Oscar Madison think he's pulling over on us?
17:10First, he's a sports writer living with Felix Unger in New York.
17:15The next minute, he's a coroner named Quincy living on a houseboat.
17:19What the hell do you really do for a living Oscar besides lying?
17:25You cannot deceive me with your lies.
17:29You're all nothing but a bunch of dirty, stinking liars.
17:33These cameras are filled with lies.
17:36I'm not really in someone's living room.
17:38Look.
17:39I'm in a giant airplane hander filled with lies.
17:45Shame.
17:47Shame on you.
17:48Orlando, Orlando, what, are you crazy?
17:50Yeah, man, what are you doing?
17:52How could these lies actually upset you?
17:54I mean, you did not really believe that Barbara Eden had magic powers, did you?
17:57You are an actor, Orlando, and you're reading cue cards.
18:01Look.
18:02Show him.
18:08Okay?
18:09Okay.
18:09Okay?
18:10Oh, thank you, Nicole.
18:12You were freeing me from this sea of lies.
18:14Guys, I'm my own man.
18:17I don't have to be burdened by other people's thoughts or ideas.
18:27Guess I'm nothing but a great big stinking liar myself.
18:30Coming up on MADtv.
18:46What?
18:46I don't look like a lawyer to you?
18:49To have paraphrased the great Bruce Willis, you be coyote type.
18:56You gotta love it.
18:57You are now watching the TV.
19:12Surprise!
19:15I thought you guys forgot.
19:17Have a good one, Roy.
19:18Hey, happy birthday, man.
19:20Hey, you cute man.
19:21What a combination!
19:31It's all over!
19:32It's all over!
19:35Yeah!
19:37Woo!
19:45Somewhere in the heart of Manhattan, one week before Thanksgiving break,
19:49an exclusive girls' school housing 300 daughters of the world's most powerful leaders,
19:54is taken over by a team of cracked international terrorists.
20:04Ladies!
20:05Ladies!
20:06Get on the floor, please!
20:10We are in control now.
20:13Our demands are simple.
20:15One million dollars for each daughter's release.
20:17What they didn't expect was L.D. Mellish, the clarinet teacher.
20:23You just wanna move your hands up and down on the shaft.
20:26Here, see?
20:27Just...
20:27To...
20:28To paraphrase the great Bruce Willis, you be coyote type.
20:37Welcome to the party.
20:48Crimes, misdemeanors, and payback.
20:52Woody Allen will tickle your funny bone before breaking it into 17 pieces.
20:59They've got him cornered, but not outwitted.
21:02You didn't expect to stop us, did you?
21:05Jew?
21:06Did you say Jew?
21:07I distinctly heard you say Jew.
21:10I'm surrounded by a bunch of anti-Semitic, neo-Nazi, Euro-trash, ponytail-wearing terrorists here.
21:17But I wouldn't give her a large sock of horse manure.
21:19Also starring Mia Farrell as the mother superior.
21:30You got to save those girls.
21:32I mean, I just...
21:33I adopted them all last week.
21:36We're doing everything we can to protect them from the terrorists.
21:39Not from the terrorists.
21:41No, no.
21:41From the clarinet teacher.
21:43Woody has 98 pounds of pure intellectual excitement.
21:47This kidnapping is a travesty.
21:48It's a travesty of a mockery, of a sham, of two mockeries of a sham.
21:52Yes, Yasser Arafat has said terrorism is the foundation of the war against global oppression.
21:58Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that?
22:00No, the worst part is Yasser Arafat.
22:02You don't know anything about Yasser Arafat's work.
22:04Well, actually, I happened to teach a class at Columbia on international terrorism and culture.
22:08So I think my insights into Mr. Arafat have a great deal of validity.
22:13Do you?
22:13Well, I happen to have Yasser Arafat right here, so...
22:16So...
22:16I heard what you were saying.
22:19You know nothing of my work.
22:21How you got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing.
22:26Boy, if life were only like this.
22:28Bigger, fatter, faster.
22:30With more Nietzsche references than any action flick this season.
22:33Listen, punk.
22:35You're the disease and I'm the cure.
22:37Metaphorically speaking, of course.
22:38I'll see you in hell.
22:40I don't believe in hell.
22:41How about Los Angeles?
22:43It's a detonator.
22:45It's a big bomb.
22:46You are so brave.
22:54So courageous.
22:55Don't forget to boyishly handsome with a puckish spirit.
22:59I don't know how to thank you.
23:01Really?
23:02Just arch your back and lick your lips.
23:07Now, Mr. Palfamy, tongue.
23:14The sleeper hit of the year.
23:17Crimes, misdemeanors, and payback.
23:20I'll be back.
23:23In court to appeal that custody decision.
23:27Crazy shiksa.
23:28Mr. and Mrs. Humphrey, I encourage you to open up and be perfectly honest with me.
23:45Well, Dr. Griffiths?
23:47Please, Anita.
23:48Okay, Anita.
23:49Patricia and I are really upset.
23:52We're at the end of our rope, really.
23:53Well, then, please, let's get right down to it.
23:55You're here today because...
23:57We're trying to have a baby.
23:57A baby.
23:58And how long have you been trying to have a baby?
24:01Around six years.
24:01Ever since we've been married.
24:04Uh, could this be a physical problem?
24:06Oh, no, no, no.
24:07No, no, no.
24:08We both had our physical exams, and we're both in perfect health.
24:10Like a rocket.
24:11Yeah, okay.
24:12How is intercourse for both of you?
24:17Um, Anita, could you put that in layman's terms, please?
24:21Well, sex.
24:22How is sex?
24:26Um, forgive me, Doc.
24:27Could we cut through all the medical jargon, uh, and get down to business?
24:31What is this sex thing?
24:33You're kidding, right?
24:35You know, Doctor, I don't know why you think we would possibly joke about something so deeply
24:39and so obviously frustrating for us.
24:41Dr. Cohen sent you here, didn't he?
24:43Oh, he is such a nut.
24:46Doctor, we need your help, please.
24:49So you both really don't know what sex is?
24:52No.
24:52No.
24:53How do you think you were born?
25:02Our parents prayed to the magical stork.
25:07So you prayed to a magical stork?
25:09And still no baby.
25:10Okay, I think I can help.
25:16This is how it works.
25:17The man's penis, becoming engorged with blood, is inserted into what we call...
25:22Doctor, I go to the bathroom with that thing.
25:26Look, Anita, my husband and I did not come here to listen to your sick fantasies.
25:30Now, Patricia, Darren, just hear me out.
25:33The sperm travels up the shaft of the erect penis.
25:37Doctor, I've had enough.
25:39Let's get out of this place, honey.
25:40I've got to go take a shower after this.
25:41I'm sorry, honey.
25:42I can't believe you're born.
25:43It's a crack.
25:44I don't need you, baby.
25:50Doctor, your husband on line one.
25:53Hi, honey.
25:54Oh, you wouldn't believe this couple I just had in here.
25:56I swear they were raised in the Middle Ages.
25:59Oh, my, according to Mr. Tikihan's in the Magic Circle, I should be home soon.
26:03Yeah, just before the fiery red ball in the sky is eaten by the black dragon
26:06and the evil spirits dance around the glowing, pockmarked one.
26:10Okay.
26:11Bye-bye.
26:24You know who I am.
26:26I'm Dennis Robin.
26:27And this here is Jimmy.
26:29Now, Jimmy's a real special kid.
26:32He wants to be a professional basketball player.
26:34But Jimmy got a problem.
26:37He white.
26:39And just like a lot of other young white kids, Jimmy thinks he belongs in the NBA.
26:44Now, sure, he got a pretty good jump shot.
26:46At his high school, he averaged 25 points a game.
26:48But let's get something straight.
26:50Society has kept African Americans not unlike myself.
26:53Out of every field of opportunity except sports.
26:57What?
26:57I don't look like a lawyer to you?
27:00And now kids like Jimmy here want to take that away from us, too?
27:04I just want to play.
27:05Shut up.
27:07Jimmy needs your help getting a job where he belongs in corporate America.
27:11As a stockbroker, accountant, business executive, anything.
27:15Because you know why?
27:16Because you need to stay out of the NBA.
27:17Dennis, I'm not trying to take nothing away.
27:19Won't you please help me?
27:21For more information, write to, stay your white ass out of the NBA.
27:26Box one, two, three, New York, New York.
27:29Because a white boy playing basketball is a terrible, terrible waste.
27:33Psst.
27:37Ha, ha, ha, ha.
27:52Hang on, come on.
27:58Hey.
28:00Hey.
28:01Hey.
28:01Hey.
28:03And this is my mom.
28:08Welcome to the family, Joy.
28:10Thank you, Mrs. Tucker.
28:11What's this Mrs. Tucker?
28:12If you're going to marry my son, you call me Mom.
28:15You can call me Mrs. Tucker.
28:18Come in, come in.
28:20Oh, great.
28:22This is Wayne's grandmother.
28:24She's not all quite there, if you know what I mean.
28:26Hi!
28:28And this is Wayne's sister, Erica, with our little grandson, Jane.
28:31Oh, how cute.
28:32Hi, Joy. It's great to finally meet you.
28:34Oh, same here.
28:35You'll have to excuse me for not getting up.
28:37This little guy's always hungry.
28:38Don't worry, I understand.
28:40Everybody sit, sit.
28:41Oh, great. Thank you.
28:44Oh, Joy, you must be famished after your long drive.
28:48Here, have some cheese.
28:49Oh, thank you.
28:50Gosh, what a spread.
28:54Mmm.
28:55Oh, this is fabulous.
28:57It has a real distinct flavor.
28:59Yeah, we make it right here at the Tucker Family Dairy.
29:01What you're eating is 100% Tucker-made.
29:04Wow.
29:05Sweetie, we want some?
29:06Nah, I gotta hanker in for something else.
29:10This one's always had an appetite.
29:12All day long.
29:13Eat, eat, eat, eat.
29:17Poor baby.
29:19My brother is the exact same way.
29:20Always eating.
29:21Whenever we go to a restaurant, everyone always knows when the...
29:23So, Joy, have you two picked a date?
29:30Uh, soon.
29:30I think marrying soon.
29:32Woo!
29:33Now that hit the spot, but Mom, lay off the garlic.
29:38Boy, I'll tell you, all this eating's making me hungry.
29:41Oh, Carl, where are your manners?
29:44Oh, I'm sorry.
29:45Joy, were you thirsty?
29:46No!
29:47No, thank you.
29:48Suit yourself.
29:52So, Joy, do you prefer a big or a small wedding?
29:55The big or the small?
29:58I don't know.
30:00Well, have you two decided where you're going to live?
30:03Oh, we were thinking about leaving Chicago for a smaller town.
30:05Why not move here?
30:06You could be close to home.
30:08That is a great idea.
30:09No!
30:10No!
30:10Uh, you know, Chicago's really started to grow on me recently.
30:15Yeah, and you could work right here at the Family Dairy.
30:21Well, I don't think Joy's going to be working for the next little while.
30:26Right, honey?
30:27Wayne, no, please.
30:28Mom, Dad, Erica.
30:31The reason we're having such a quick wedding is Joy's pregnant.
30:36That's fantastic!
30:36Joy, that's wonderful!
30:38I'm so happy for you.
30:39Hallelujah!
30:41Another child in the family!
30:43Oh, this calls for a special toast!
30:48New family members first!
30:51It's a Tucker family tradition.
30:52Tonight, American politics reaches a new level as the two front-running candidates face off for the final time to decide who will win the Republican presidential nomination.
31:14See, here's how this is going to work.
31:17I'm not fighting for the nomination.
31:20I'm fighting for America.
31:21The American people are sick and tired of the depraved violence they see on TV.
31:25That's why I'm here as their messenger ready to kick some liberal media butt.
31:30I'm Republican gladiators!
31:33Good evening.
31:35I'm Lisa Muloski.
31:36I'm Larry Zonka.
31:37And I'm Larry Zonka.
31:38Bragging rights, the party nomination.
31:40But more importantly, pride is on the line here at Gladiator Arena.
31:44That's right, Larry.
31:46Talk about floor fights.
31:47This is the big enchilada.
31:49Let's take a look at the tale of the tape.
31:52All right, let's snoot the neutralizer.
31:54Gingrich, 52 years old, a staunch right-winger.
31:57Turn-ons, absolute power.
32:00Turn-offs, exercise and anyone who disagrees with him.
32:03Now let's look at Bob Dole, 71-year-old moderate.
32:07Turn-ons, absolute power and clam chowder.
32:10The white kind.
32:11Turn-offs, shrapnel.
32:13And who doesn't hate that?
32:14Let's get to the action.
32:15First up, Gingrich enters the Philomastery.
32:19A major challenge here for Gingrich.
32:23And I'm not talking about balancing the budget.
32:25I'm talking about this.
32:29Gingrich is ready to rock, but can he roll?
32:31He fakes left and breaks right.
32:33Ooh, looks like he's lost his donut.
32:36And maybe he stands at the White House.
32:39But he's back up like his approval rating.
32:41Fist lowers the gap on the speaker.
32:44Hey, he's fighting dirty.
32:46Nothing new for Gingrich.
32:49Oh, my.
32:51Such stops with a line item veto.
32:53Let's go to the highlights.
32:55Talk about gridlock.
32:57You've got to love it.
33:01Next up, battle on the hill.
33:05Bob Dole has the White House in his crosshairs, Larry.
33:08Like most of America.
33:10Dole starts out prudent.
33:12Ooh, and pays for it.
33:14Wham-O's taking a pole and giving it to Dole.
33:18It's almost over.
33:20But no, he's coming back.
33:23This one, huh?
33:24He gives him a left.
33:26Then a left.
33:27Then another one.
33:28I guess he's got no choice.
33:31And that's it.
33:32Wham-O is dispatched like UN troops to Bosnia.
33:36Nobody loves you like Bobby.
33:38Can we see that again?
33:42Whoa!
33:43Messing with Bob Dole is like messing with a hornet's list, where the hornets have only one good arm.
33:49Senator Robert Dole is finally going to the championship round.
33:52Now let's go to Larry at the Podio Dome for our championship tackle the issues round.
33:58With Gingrich out, Dole must now face fists to determine who will be the new Republican candidate.
34:04Senator Dole, you've been called the tax collector for the welfare state.
34:07What is your view on tax reform?
34:09Well, Larry, any time you cut taxes, you're of course going to have to cut spending, and that can't be done indiscriminately.
34:14Let me just say this.
34:15Anyone who knows Bob Dole knows that Bob Dole believes in lower taxes.
34:20Lower taxes, please.
34:23Right, right.
34:24Fist, same question.
34:26Texas Tech!
34:29Wait, what's happening here?
34:31Texas Tech!
34:31It looks like a public regular item.
34:34That's right.
34:35Fist has overtaken the front-runner Dole.
34:38Only in America could this happen.
34:40You can say that again, Lise.
34:42Well, join us next week for a very special presidential gladiator.
34:46When Fist takes on Bill the President Clinton.
34:50For all the marbles.
34:51Good night.
34:52Good night.
35:08Do something, you moron.
35:12I love you!
35:28Man!
35:33Man!
35:34Man!
35:41Running late, huh?
35:42God, all day.
35:43Oh, I hate that feeling.
35:44I know, it's like a constant panic, always being 10 or 15 minutes behind.
35:47Do you feel like you're going crazy?
35:48I know, my palms are sweating. Look, my hands are shaking and my heart's beating like a rabbit.
35:52Here, you know what? Take one of these.
35:54Ooh, Valium?
35:55No, Xanax, Valium-ish.
35:56Great, thank you.
35:57You know what? Take another.
35:58Actually, have you ever had one of each?
36:00Valium and Xanax?
36:01Really seems to do the trick, soothe my nerves within, say, 15 minutes tops.
36:05Ooh, I imagine.
36:06But you really pay for it the next day. Talk about wonky.
36:09And what's the name of this planet again?
36:12You mean you don't use a Prozac chaser to get you through the morning?
36:16No, but what a great idea.
36:18Yeah, but make sure you don't take over 30 milligrams.
36:20I mean, if you're planning to have the lewd with lunch.
36:22Excuse me? Doesn't that depend on whether you're planning on keeping that meal down?
36:25Like, I can afford that. Look at this gut.
36:28I hear ya. I hear ya, pal.
36:31Actually, I've got a great connection where I get you some diet pills for cheap.
36:34And I mean, the good stuff. The old diet pills.
36:37With all the caffeine?
36:38Yep.
36:39All aboard for Buzz City Population.
36:41Woo-hoo!
36:42Now, that is so hard to find.
36:45Try impossible, okay?
36:47Well, you know, you could always cut to the quid.
36:49Crystal meth!
36:50Eee!
36:53College, those were the good old days.
36:55What with my insomnia?
36:56Well, you know, it's all about choices. I mean, fatigue or fat. You decide.
36:59I hadn't looked at it like that.
37:00Food for thought. Food for thought.
37:02Well, you can always sprinkle the baby aspirin over mashed potatoes.
37:05Ah! Hold the gravy and a shot of tequila.
37:08No!
37:10Brilliant!
37:11Well, speaking of sleeping, have you ever added six ounces of bourbon to your humidifier at night?
37:15Oh, good!
37:17All night long, your lungs are open, you are breathing.
37:20I mean, you drift in and out of consciousness, but who cares?
37:24One tip. You practically need electroshock to wake up, okay? Okay?
37:28Hey, thanks for the advice.
37:30No problem.
37:31Oh, you smoke?
37:32Uh, yeah, my one vice.
37:33Want one?
37:34No, thanks. I'm pregnant.
37:36Congratulations.
37:41The producers of Mad TV want you to know that there is nothing funny about drug abuse.
37:46However, we thought this sketch was funny, so we did it.
37:49But we don't do drugs.
37:50Unless they're funny.
37:51Just kidding, really.
37:52Enjoy the rest of the show drug-free, okay?
38:05Hey, Artie!
38:07Artie Lang!
38:09What you eating, man?
38:10Cuban sandwich, Phil.
38:12That's made with pork, right?
38:14Last I checked, Phil.
38:16Pork!
38:18The other white meat, right?
38:20That's great, man. That's great.
38:21Mind if I join you?
38:23Did you know that there are other, other white meats besides pork, right?
38:26Could we do this later?
38:27I mean, you've got pigeon.
38:29You'd eat pigeon?
38:30Oh, sure.
38:32There's also broiled rattlesnake.
38:34100% cholesterol-free.
38:36And let's not forget about bat.
38:38I mean, did you know that the only mammal capable of sustained flight is also high in vitamin E?
38:43And its wing membranes can be rolled and stuffed with rice.
38:47Great, great.
38:48Oh, man, and for dessert, there is nothing like chocolate-covered monkey brain.
38:53Or you've also got shaved tarantula and aspic.
38:57Uh, Phil, I'm tired and a little run down.
38:59Okay.
39:00Well, then you, my friend, should turn to the energy-giving and oft-neglected yellow meats, like banana slugs.
39:05Then, of course, you've got your gray meats, like seagull.
39:09Or you could just chow down on a big brimming bowl full of maggots or mealworms.
39:14You shouldn't mix.
39:15Did you know that a tapeworm from the intestine of a fully-grown cow can feed a family of five for a week?
39:21And then, of course, there's the wide variety of clear meats.
39:23Termite larvae, the third-world tree.
39:26And, of course, albino cockroach, lightly blackened with maybe a cream or a dill sauce.
39:35Hi, I'm Phil Lamar.
39:38I'm a vegetarian, and I've got a feeling that right about now, a few more of you are, too.
40:12Let's go.
40:42Okay, another episode of MADtv in the can.
41:07Thanks for watching. We hope you had a good time.
41:09And now the moment we've all been waiting for.
41:11Let's see how much money we raise for those kids.
41:13That's right. Who says we never do anything nice for anybody?
41:16John, would you give us the timpani roll, please?
41:29Dude, that sucks.
41:30Do we set up phone lines or anything?
41:35Sorry.
41:37Boy, those kids are going to be pissed.
41:38Well, I guess we'll just have to get to it next week.
41:42Yeah!
41:44See you next week!
41:47You know who I am. I'm Dennis Rodman.
41:59And this here is Jimmy.
42:03Jimmy.
42:05What are you doing, Jimmy?
42:06Huh?
42:08What?
42:11What did I do to you?
42:12What did I do to you?
42:13Ah!
42:15Ah!
42:15You are now watching the TV.
42:33You are now watching the TV.
42:34You are now watching the TV.
42:34You are now watching the TV.
42:35You are now watching the TV.
42:35You are now watching the TV.
42:36You are watching the TV.
42:36You are watching the TV.
42:37You are watching the TV.
42:37You are watching the TV.
42:38You are watching the TV.
42:38You are watching the TV.
42:39You are watching the TV.
42:39You are watching the TV.
42:40You are watching the TV.
42:40You are watching the TV.
42:41You are watching the TV.
42:41You are watching the TV.
42:42You are watching the TV.
42:43You are watching the TV.
42:43You are watching the TV.
42:44You are watching the TV.
42:44You are watching the TV.
42:45You are watching the TV.
42:46You are watching the TV.
42:47You are watching the TV.
42:48You are watching the TV.
42:49You are watching the TV.
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