- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 21
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01On the next M.A.D.T.V.
00:03Ladies, may I present Mr. Lawrence Flynn.
00:07Hustling up a tasteless classic.
00:10He thinks you're a pastry. What am I?
00:13You're a real nice piece of pie.
00:15And David Faustino dates a first grade teacher and scores big.
00:19You look great. Thank you.
00:21Excellent job dressing yourself.
00:24Next on M.A.D.T.V.
00:26You are not watching M.A.D.T.V.
00:32You are not watching M.A.D.T.V.
00:36May!
00:38And this is an especially joyous occasion
00:41because the bride and groom, Rosie and Jeff,
00:44in order to show their love and commitment to one another,
00:47have written their own vows.
00:49Aww.
00:52Jeff, would you please begin?
00:54Rosie, you brought life, love and lightness to my world,
00:57and I will forever cherish our lives together.
01:04Rosie?
01:05Oh, Jeff.
01:07Your love and support has been an inspiration
01:10and your kindness a rainbow of smiles.
01:14And now...
01:15You know, when we first met,
01:17everyone was surprised that I would even go on a date with you.
01:20He's really not your type, they said.
01:23They were right.
01:24I mean, my previous boyfriend Jonathan was,
01:26as everyone here remembers,
01:28an extremely well-built Nordic blonde
01:31and a Rhodes Scholar
01:32who now has a thriving law practice in Connecticut.
01:35Whereas you...
01:37looked like this
01:38and sell calamine lotion.
01:42But that's not important.
01:44What's important, Jeff,
01:45is that you came to me when I was all alone in the world.
01:48My heart broken, my dreams dead.
01:51I mean, Jonathan and I had gone out for eight years
01:53and we had just broken up.
01:55I was a mess.
01:58And you were there.
02:00So...
02:02Sure, I thought I'd be standing opposite to Jonathan right now.
02:05But am I?
02:06No.
02:07Mr. Non-Commitment found it easier to be with some bimbo secretary.
02:11And, of course, Jonathan said,
02:12well, I thought I loved you, but I guess I never really did.
02:15Weird, huh?
02:16And I said, yeah, weird.
02:17Why didn't you tell me before I worked as a cocktail waitress
02:19in that hellhole butt binders for four years
02:21to put you through Yale?
02:22For what?
02:23For what?
02:24So you can leave me for some slut with a fake ass?
02:26Well, you know what, Jonathan?
02:27If there's a gun, may you burn in hell!
02:29May you just burn in hell!
02:31So, to all my friends who told me not to go out with Jeff,
02:38I'm not saying you were wrong.
02:41I'm just saying that Jeff here is a man.
02:46And I don't want to die alone.
02:52And I will not die alone, my love, and neither will you.
02:57And regardless of what anyone says, I do love you.
03:02In my own way.
03:04Aww.
03:12Yes, well, uh...
03:16And now, if there is anyone here present today
03:19who knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony...
03:27Jeff?
03:29What?
03:32I guess you two kids know what you're doing.
03:34I now pronounce you...
03:36Man and wife.
03:38None of the lips.
03:42Aww.
03:44Man.
03:46Man.
03:47Come on.
03:52Man.
03:54Oh, come on.
03:55Yeah, yeah, uh,
03:57Come on.
03:58Man.
03:59Oh, come on.
04:00Yeah, yeah, uh,
04:02Come on.
04:03Come on.
04:04Man.
04:05Man.
04:06You're so...
04:09...crazy.
04:10Hey, you're so crazy
04:28You got me gone
04:32You're the one that won't treat magic
04:40Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Married with Children's David Faustino.
05:02Thank you, thank you, how's everybody feeling?
05:19Well, it's great to be here on MADtv, I myself have just finished my 11th year on Married
05:26with Children.
05:32You know, what's most interesting about that is we have no idea whether or not we're coming
05:35back for a 12th year and people see me on the street and they're like, you know, David,
05:39if the show's not coming back, what are you going to do with your life?
05:41Well until recently I had no idea, but now it's all too clear to me, you see, I am going
05:47to go back to the mothership.
05:54You see, what I want to know is why didn't anybody tell me that there was a spaceship
05:57behind a comet, I mean, come on.
06:00This is important information here.
06:03You know, this isn't, hey David, you got some food in your teeth or, you know, Becky in accounting
06:10likes you.
06:11This is a spaceship behind the comet.
06:13Well, I'm not going to miss this.
06:18See you on the other side.
06:21Take me!
06:28Yo, David, get your monkey ass up.
06:34We all know you're not going to do this.
06:35Hey, listen, listen, no button in.
06:37You want to come?
06:38You can be in the second group.
06:39Go ahead.
06:40They taking brothers?
06:42I don't know.
06:44But one way to find out, please stay tuned for more MADtv.
06:49Thank you!
06:56Are you in there?
07:02Nicole from MADtv just wanted to see through.
07:06Hello?
07:07Oh, there you are.
07:09You are now watching MADtv.
07:14What a baby!
07:15You can be on a comedy show!
07:16I hear this is a good restaurant.
07:22Super choice.
07:23So, you're a teacher.
07:26Mm-hmm.
07:27That takes someone very special.
07:29You must have a lot of patience.
07:31No, a doctor has patience.
07:33A teacher has pupils.
07:35Get it?
07:37Patience?
07:38It's a homonym joke.
07:40Yeah, I get it now.
07:42Homonyms are two words that sound the same, but are spelled differently with different meanings.
07:47Like, I like everything but your butt.
07:51I remember what a homonym is now.
07:54Of course, I wouldn't use that in the classroom.
07:56It's a little bit naughty.
07:57Well, I just thought it would take a lot of patience, that's all.
08:01I'm sorry, Mr. Mumbles.
08:03I can't hear you with your hand over your mouth.
08:09Sorry.
08:11By the way, you look great.
08:14Excellent job dressing yourself!
08:16Well, the food here is supposed to be great.
08:27Oh.
08:28You're not a vegetarian or anything, are you?
08:29Oh, no.
08:30I'm an omnivore.
08:36An omnivore?
08:37Carnivore, carnivore.
08:40What do you eat?
08:41I have sharp teeth.
08:42I only eat meat.
08:44Herbivore, herbivore.
08:46What do you munch?
08:48I like leaves and plants for lunch.
08:51Omnivore, omnivore.
08:53How about you?
08:55All kinds of meat and plants will do.
09:07Yeah, I get it now.
09:08Oh, except mushrooms because some are toxic.
09:12No.
09:13Do you?
09:19Hello.
09:20Can I take your order?
09:21I don't know.
09:22Can you?
09:24Excuse me?
09:26Who would like to tell me what mistake our waiter just made?
09:30Anyone?
09:34Yes, Joe.
09:36He said can instead of may.
09:37May.
09:38That's right.
09:39It's important to know the difference between can and may.
09:42Otherwise, your career may end up in the can.
09:46That's a good one.
09:47I should write that down.
09:49Can I just take your order?
09:50Oh, my.
09:51I guess some people don't want to learn.
09:54Jeez.
09:55Okay, let's see.
09:57It's Friday, so I'll have the fish cakes.
10:00Okay.
10:01And you, sir?
10:03I'll have the pasta fl...
10:06Fl...
10:07Oh, my.
10:08That is a tricky word.
10:10Floren...
10:11Sound it out.
10:13Florenti...
10:14Florentine!
10:15Good job!
10:16Oh!
10:19Yeah!
10:20Oh, wow.
10:21Thanks.
10:25And super effort taking our order.
10:28No, no, no, no.
10:29It's okay.
10:30I'll just take it in my hand.
10:31Okay.
10:32You can put it on your chart later.
10:34Joe, I'm having a great time.
10:36What?
10:37Hey!
10:38Eyes up here, mister.
10:41Now, I have to leave the room for a couple minutes.
10:43Can I trust you?
10:44Huh?
10:46Oh, yes.
10:47Sorry.
10:48Okay.
10:49Uh, you can.
10:50I mean, uh, you may.
10:51No, it's...
10:52Never mind.
10:53We'll review that later.
10:54Okay, I'll be right back, and I'm going to put you in charge.
10:57Okay.
10:59Everybody, I'll be right back, and Joe is in charge.
11:04Hey!
11:05Hey!
11:06Quit it!
11:07Hey!
11:08No fear!
11:09Ow!
11:10You suck!
11:11Ah!
11:12Okay, everybody, that's it.
11:13Heads on tables.
11:14I am extremely disappointed in this whole restaurant.
11:15Now, who would like to tell me what happened?
11:16I can wait.
11:17We can see what happened.
11:18I can wait.
11:19We can see what happened.
11:20Hey!
11:21Hey!
11:22Hey!
11:23No fear!
11:24Hey!
11:25No fear!
11:26Ow!
11:27Ow!
11:28Ow!
11:29Ow!
11:30Ow!
11:31Ow!
11:32Ow!
11:33Ow!
11:34Ow!
11:35Ow!
11:36Ow!
11:37Ow!
11:38Ow!
11:39Ow!
11:40Ow!
11:41Ow!
11:42Ow!
11:43I can wait.
11:44We can stay here til closing time if we need to.
11:47I had seen the whole thing.
11:50The waiter had elbowed him in the head, and she had put a fork in his seat after he had spitballed her,
11:54and I ain't do nothing.
11:55I sat here just like you told me to.
11:56I tried to stop them, but they went, listen, I ain't do nothing.
11:59I was ruined.
12:04And you know what this means, you get to take me home.
12:08Oh, what a jip!
12:10Maybe this will help you to follow the rules.
12:12Okay, let's go.
12:13Did you bring some condoms?
12:15Condoms?
12:16Condom, condom, please don't break.
12:19A baby we don't want to make.
12:22Yay!
12:25Hey!
12:42Surprise!
12:47Surprise!
12:50Oh, what do you look afraid?
12:52Were you surprised, sweetie?
12:54A little.
12:55Oh, he knew!
12:56Oh, who told me?
12:57Nobody told me.
12:59Nobody told me.
12:59Well, then you were surprised.
13:00Yay!
13:02Look, Mrs. Weber made it all the way from San Diego.
13:06Already?
13:07I want you to open this one first.
13:10Is it a toaster?
13:11How'd you know?
13:12Because I have 75 toasters, Mrs. Weber,
13:14and they're all from you.
13:16Oh, welcome, old Reggie!
13:19I have something to say, actually.
13:21I have something to say.
13:22Oh, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak, speak.
13:25Thank you, thank you, thank you.
13:27I appreciate this, I really do.
13:29But, honey...
13:30Yes, baby?
13:30When I said I love surprise parties...
13:32Surprise!
13:35When I said I love surprise parties...
13:36Surprise!
13:37I didn't mean every single night.
13:45It's just that we're welcoming you home, Reggie.
13:47Welcome home.
13:50But I was just at work.
13:52I don't need a party every single night
13:55when I come home from work, okay?
13:57Well, it's just that we all love you so much, Reggie.
14:00And I love you too.
14:03I love you all, okay?
14:04Okay, but Mrs. Weber,
14:05you come here every night from San Diego.
14:07That's like four hours round trip.
14:09Oh, you think I would miss this?
14:11But we do it every night.
14:13Hank doesn't even go home first.
14:15He comes here straight from his job
14:16and he stays here until three or four.
14:18Good to see you, Reggie.
14:19Welcome home, amigo.
14:22Thank you, Hank, thanks.
14:24That's because he's your friend!
14:26I know, I know he's my friend.
14:29But honey, I mean, do you think other guys
14:30get this kind of reception every night?
14:33Now, wait a minute.
14:34I'm sure that there are plenty of men out there
14:36who do nothing but make crack out
14:37in the crack fields all day long.
14:39And I would guess that no,
14:40they do not get that kind of reception.
14:42And for one good reason.
14:44They suck!
14:46Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
14:49Let me rephrase this.
14:51LeBron!
14:54Get the hell out of my house!
14:55Get out of my house!
14:56But honey, we can't get...
14:57No, there are no buts.
14:58This is not a conversation.
14:59I'm going to the can right now.
15:00If I come back and anybody's still here,
15:02I'm coming out shooting!
15:06Surprise!
15:09Surprise!
15:14Surprise!
15:17Oh, thanks, everyone.
15:19I'm sorry.
15:20Listen, are we all still on
15:21for that going away thing in the morning?
15:23Oh, yeah, crack of dawn.
15:24So I'll see you all tomorrow morning.
15:25All right, yeah.
15:26Great.
15:26Have a good night.
15:27See you tomorrow.
15:28Hank, what would you like for dinner tonight?
15:31Surprise me, honey.
15:32Surprise!
15:32Surprise!
15:33I'm kidding.
15:34Go back to sleep.
15:34Shh, shh, shh.
15:35Oh, girl.
15:43This door is over $47,000.
15:45But because of the hydraulics involved,
15:47it shuts as easily
15:48as your own door at home.
15:50And it's twice as funny.
15:52No!
15:58In the tradition of Emma,
16:08pride and prejudice
16:09and sense and sensibility
16:11comes a tale of romantic love
16:13and hidden passion.
16:16Dear diary,
16:17this morning my sister Miranda and I
16:19were taking tea and watercress sandwiches
16:20in the garden.
16:22Little did we know
16:22that fate would soon turn a new page
16:24in the next chapter of our lives,
16:26which was a book
16:27in so many words.
16:30Hmm.
16:40Oh, Claire,
16:42why must life be so hectic for us?
16:44There never seems to be enough hours in a day.
16:47Oh, fiddles, fudge, and French cheese.
16:52Claire, why the profanity?
16:54Well, now I've gone and put too much milk in my tea.
16:58I need a man.
17:00Miranda, I'm already 17 years old
17:02and I fear that I shall never have a love
17:04to call my own.
17:05Someone to tighten my corset
17:08and apply my talc.
17:09But, sister, I do do that for you.
17:12Yes, but it's not the same.
17:13I mean, your hands are often chilly
17:15and I...
17:16Oh, dear.
17:17Now I've gone and offended you.
17:19No.
17:21It's quite a lot, my dear.
17:23Oh, now I've gone and dropped a stitch.
17:26Oh, I too need a man.
17:28Sister!
17:35I'm very sorry to disturb
17:36your 11.30 faint mumps,
17:38but a letter has arrived.
17:41Oh!
17:41It seems as though
17:47one of father's friends
17:48was in an unfortunate accident
17:49and will be staying with us
17:50until he recuperates.
17:51We are to extend to him
17:52every courtesy
17:53and make sure that he is
17:54as comfortable as possible.
17:55He arrives this afternoon.
17:57Imagine that.
17:59A man.
17:59Ladies, may I present
18:12Mr. Lawrence Flint.
18:17That's why we two
18:18want to get on top.
18:21Larry Flint
18:22in Jane Austen's TNA.
18:26I take it your 4.30 faint
18:27as off, Mom.
18:31Dear Diary,
18:32Mr. Flint has arrived today.
18:34What a sight he was, dear Diary.
18:36The most dashing,
18:37handsome visage
18:38I'd ever laid eyes upon.
18:40Poor thing.
18:41They said he was injured
18:42whilst on a beaver hunt.
18:43It must have been
18:44an awfully large beaver.
18:47Oh, man.
18:48Poor man.
18:57You must be famished.
18:59This is you.
19:01Oh, Miranda.
19:03He thinks you're a pastry.
19:05Oh, how clever.
19:06What am I, Larry?
19:07What am I?
19:08You're a real nice piece of it.
19:09Pie.
19:10Oh, my piece of the pie.
19:12Imagine that.
19:13Yeah, imagine that.
19:14I see you have a sweet tooth, Larry.
19:16You should see my tongue.
19:18Larry, if I were a piece of pie,
19:20what would I be filled with?
19:21Me.
19:23I find him rather boorish
19:25and crude.
19:26Oh, well, I find him
19:27even more boorish and crude.
19:29Terribly boorish.
19:30And vulgar.
19:32Horrible.
19:33Disgusting.
19:34Quite an animal.
19:37Larry?
19:39Tea, Mom.
19:41No, thank you.
19:42None for me.
19:44Claire,
19:45whatever are you hiding
19:46behind your back?
19:47Um, well, Larry's hands
19:49must be cold
19:50because he said
19:51he needed my muff.
19:52I see.
19:53He must have needed
19:54something to put it in
19:55because he said
19:56he wanted to see my box.
19:58Oh.
19:59Did he ask for anything else?
20:01Just this.
20:03Poor thing.
20:04He says he can't get enough of these.
20:06Ladies,
20:07it's all perfect.
20:08Please.
20:09Oh.
20:10Ow!
20:11Dear darling,
20:13I feel my sole reason on earth
20:15is to make Mr. Larry Flint happy.
20:17However,
20:18it seems he wants something from us,
20:21but I'm not quite certain
20:22what it is.
20:25I want you to grab my mallet
20:27and knock some balls around
20:28until they roll through your wickets.
20:31I want to run my fingers
20:33up and down your keyboard
20:34until you scream
20:35for a second movement.
20:37I want to tap this shuttlecock
20:39back and forth
20:40so many times
20:40it loses its tail.
20:45Get it?
20:47Huh?
20:50Boom.
20:51Huh?
20:52Oh, forget it.
20:54Put me down, child.
20:58You're never going to get us.
21:00I'm out of here.
21:01Poo.
21:02Oh, Paul.
21:03Larry, I love you.
21:05Oh, but...
21:06No, you.
21:06Oh, you told me that I...
21:07Oh, if you love him
21:09as much as I love him,
21:10then neither of us
21:11shall have him.
21:12Well, I see no other way.
21:14Girls, girls.
21:15Don't roll up your carpets yet.
21:17You both can have me.
21:19You're always so cryptic.
21:20Whatever do you mean?
21:22I don't mean to intrude,
21:23but I believe the French
21:26have an expression
21:27for what Mr. Flint
21:28is trying to say.
21:32Oh.
21:33Oh.
21:34Oh.
21:34Oh.
21:36So this is called
21:38a menage a trois?
21:40Stop talking.
21:41The bridle's falling
21:42out of your mouth.
21:43I never knew
21:44I could bend like this.
21:46Pass me that jar
21:47of marmalade, George.
21:48Yes, sir.
21:49Dear Penthouse Forum,
21:51we never thought
21:52it would happen to us.
21:54TNA.
21:55Hustle down to the theater
21:57and see it.
21:58Coming up on MADtv.
22:04We're getting closer
22:05and closer to the crowning
22:06of our new
22:07Little Miss Adorable.
22:08I won't say no.
22:12You know what happens
22:14when you don't sell
22:15the mitch.
22:16I just have to dress
22:17this way for funerals
22:18because someone's dead
22:19like your wife.
22:20Devery!
22:20What?
22:26I just have to...
22:27I just have to...
22:30I just have to...
22:31I just have to...
22:32Thank you, everybody.
22:51And that was my tribute to American jazz music.
22:54Thank you, and good night.
22:56Oh, thank you, Jessica Appleton, Little Miss Adorable, Idaho.
23:06Now, we're getting closer and closer to the crowning of our new Little Miss Adorable.
23:10And remember, our winner gets a fabulous prize package, including aluminum sodden and a supply of old Kilpatrick whiskey.
23:18As you know, our little queen will be chosen today, not only on the basis of her physical beauty and exploitability, but also on talent.
23:30Now, we'll be right back with our final contestant after these adorable messages.
23:37Angeline, stop that. That's not part of your choreography.
23:40But it's fun.
23:42Angeline, I need you to pay attention to me right now, okay?
23:44Look at Mommy. Now, I want you to smile out there, because if you're not smiling, Mommy isn't smiling.
23:50Okay.
23:51And can you explain this?
23:54I like pie.
23:56Do you know you're not supposed to have pie before a pageant? I thought you loved Mommy.
24:01I do.
24:02Okay. And go out there, smile pretty, bat your eyes, make eye contact with the judges, but most importantly, have fun.
24:10And remember, if you don't win, it doesn't mean that Mommy doesn't love you. It just means that you failed.
24:16Welcome back, everyone.
24:24Now, next in our talent portion of the Little Miss Adorable pageant will be a precious and precocious nine-year-old from Jacksonville, Florida.
24:32Please welcome Miss Angelina Delroy.
24:35Go get him, honey.
24:37This is it. This is it. Oh, God, just give us this one.
24:41Hello, everybody. I am Angelina Delroy from Jacksonville, Florida, and I like my dollies, entertaining, and pageants.
24:53So get ready, because here comes America's little angel.
25:04Come into my parlor, let your hair hang down, get yourself all cozy, let me change that frown.
25:16Into a sunny, sunny smile, why don't you stay with me a while, and if you want a little show, I won't say no.
25:28Get yourself all cozy, let me sit on your knee, so your cheeks will be rosy, and you'll give to me one of your sunny, sunny smiles.
25:48Why don't you stay with me a while, doesn't matter how far we go, I won't say no.
25:58So let me see your sunny, sunny smile, cause even though I'm just a child, doesn't mean I'm meek and mild.
26:11I can show you something wild, why don't you, Kevin, get it, Joe, I won't say no.
26:30That's America's littlest angel, Angelina Delroy. Let's hear it for her, ladies and gentlemen.
26:35Wasn't she something?
26:37Mommy, mommy, did I do good?
26:39Yes, no, shut up, he's going to announce the winner.
26:41Now, I have in my hand, ladies and gentlemen, the judges' results.
26:47And this year's little miss adorable is Angelina Delroy.
26:58Yes, yes, thank you, this is so unexpected.
27:03In your face, Maddie!
27:09She's got a button like an onion, and she turned my gimmick green!
27:29Hi, I'm the hellacious Dr. Dazzle, and if you, like me, an established rap artist in your early 20s with the head of your record company currently doing hard time, you could be there before this commercial is over.
27:41That's why there's some questions you've got to ask yourself, like what's going to happen to my homies when I get smoked?
27:48Who's going to take care of my biatches?
27:50Well, now you can get yourself some peace of mind, thanks to the gangster rap life insurance policy from Health for Hand Insurance.
27:58Health for Hand pays in cases of drive-bys, assassinations, car bombings, and home invasions.
28:05And they're going to take care of my kids after I'm gone, even the ones I don't know about.
28:09So my skeezers and my crew will have a secure future.
28:13I mean, such as it is.
28:16Hey, I know what you're thinking.
28:17What about the player-hating suckers that take me out?
28:20Are they going to get got?
28:21Hell yeah!
28:23Because Health for Hand has a special payback rider
28:25that ensures that the punk-ass bitches who take you out, going to get theirs.
28:31Well put, G.
28:33Whether you're east side or west side, we at Health for Hand are on your side.
28:37For the 4-1-1 on this policy, please write to...
28:40Helpful Hand Gangsta Rap Insurance, Box 187, Compton, CA 90063.
28:46Because at Health for Hand, we've got your back.
28:49Helpful Hand!
28:50Helpful Hand!
29:07You are now watching MAD TV.
29:13MAD!
29:13Okay, Miss O'Leary, you're all set.
29:18You sure you wouldn't like anything else?
29:20Oh, no, this cute little bratwurst will be fine.
29:23How about a flank steak or maybe a standing rib roast?
29:25It's on special.
29:26Oh, goodness, no.
29:27I'll still be eating this sausage a month from now.
29:29Yeah.
29:30Please, Miss O'Leary, buy some meat.
29:31You don't know what it means to me.
29:32No, thank you.
29:33Goodbye.
29:34But the rib roast is juicy and...
29:36I said no.
29:37Full of, um...
29:37No, young man, no.
29:38Plump, it's plump.
29:39Chicken, if you want some...
29:40No!
29:41Little...
29:42That's...
29:43That's okay.
29:47How much meat did you sell today, Sonny?
29:50Hi, Mama.
29:51You sure look pretty today, Mama.
29:55How much meat?
29:57Um, a bratwurst.
29:59One bratwurst?
30:01That's not a lot of meat.
30:03That's not a lot of meat at all!
30:05Mama, I tried.
30:07Mrs. O'Leary didn't want any, so...
30:10You know what happens when you don't sell the meat.
30:13Oh, no, Mama.
30:13Not that.
30:14Please, Mama.
30:15No, not that.
30:16Your father didn't sell the meat.
30:19Your sister didn't sell the meat.
30:22She sold the little meat.
30:24She didn't sell the meat!
30:26Do you remember what happened to her?
30:29I'll sell the meat, Mama.
30:30I'll sell all the meat.
30:31I promise.
30:33I'll be watching!
30:35Oh, hello, sir.
30:41Would you like to buy some meat?
30:42We've got meat and plenty of it.
30:44That's why our name is Meat Haven.
30:46Do you have any chocolate milk?
30:48No.
30:49But we sell pork chops, lamb chops, veal cutlet, tri-tip, porterhouse...
30:55Ham hocks!
30:55Push the ham hocks!
30:56Ham hocks!
30:57We have ham hocks!
31:00Ham hocks?
31:01No, I'm really in the mood for chocolate milk.
31:04Oh, oh, brisket!
31:05A leg of lamb!
31:06We've got cornice game hens!
31:07Please, mister, buy something!
31:08Hey, get your hands off me, meat boy!
31:17He didn't buy any meat!
31:19Mama, you saw me!
31:21I tried!
31:22It's not my fault.
31:23I tried.
31:24You know what happens when you sell the meat!
31:27I'm not gonna cry.
31:30I'm sorry, Mama.
31:31I'll sell the meat.
31:31I promise.
31:32I'll sell all the meat.
31:33You watch this...
31:34This time.
31:34Hi!
31:35How are you, sir?
31:36Can I help you?
31:37Oh!
31:38Can I help you, sir?
31:39Yes, you can.
31:40I'm having a big barbecue tonight, and I need a whole lot of meat.
31:44Boy!
31:45You've come to the right place, sir!
31:47You might want to get your bed out for this one.
31:50I need a side of beef.
31:51Oh, bless you, sir.
31:54See, 500 hamburgers.
31:56Oh, you're a wonderful, wonderful man.
31:59And all the ham hocks you've got in the store.
32:01Oh, I love you, sir.
32:04You will take a check, won't you?
32:05Oh, burgers.
32:07Oh, sorry, I didn't see your sign.
32:10Oh, no!
32:12Oh, no, that's the printer's fault.
32:15Bad printer.
32:16That's supposed to say you get a free side of beef with every check.
32:21All right, well, that was a close one.
32:24I'll make this check out to Meat World.
32:27No, Meat Haven.
32:29Meat Haven.
32:30Oh, darn it.
32:31That was my last check.
32:33Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to go next door to Meat World.
32:36Good day, sir.
32:36Oh, no, please.
32:37I said good day, sir.
32:41You didn't sell the meat.
32:43Oh, Mama, I came so close, though.
32:47You know what happens when you don't sell the meat.
32:52Eat the meat.
32:54No, I won't do it.
32:58Eat the meat.
33:01I'm not my father, and I'm not my sister.
33:04I'm Sonny, and I won't eat the meat.
33:08Do you hear me?
33:09I will not eat the meat.
33:14Eat the meat.
33:15Okay, okay, okay.
33:22We're now chewing.
33:24Chewing!
33:24Hey, Keith, Daryl.
33:38Hey.
33:38Hey, thanks for coming, guys.
33:40Yeah, yeah.
33:42You wanted to see us, sir?
33:43Yeah, yeah.
33:45Uh, fellas, we're a little concerned about your attendance record here at work.
33:49What do you mean?
33:52Uh, well, out of the last 200 working days, you've missed 130.
33:59Are you sure?
34:01Yeah, yeah.
34:02And that's not even counting yesterday.
34:04Well, yesterday was Martin Luther King Day.
34:06Oh, right, no, sorry, stupid meat.
34:11So we won't count that one, but still, we're talking about a 65% absentee rate here, guys.
34:17Can you be more specific?
34:20Uh, let's take last Christmas.
34:21The office closed down for five days.
34:23Then you fellas didn't come back for another ten.
34:25Right.
34:26That was Kwanzaa.
34:28Right.
34:29Right.
34:30So, uh, what's Kwanzaa again?
34:32Uh, it's like the African-American Christmas.
34:35Right.
34:36I knew that.
34:37You see, 250 years ago, when our forefathers were brought here as slaves...
34:40No, no, I completely understand.
34:41The white man tried to rob us of our heritage.
34:43That was a terrible, terrible thing they did.
34:46Damn right it was.
34:46Just a really, really, really bad.
34:48But, um, the thing is, I notice here that you also took off our...
34:53the regular Christmas as well.
34:55Well, we wanted to work, sir, but there was no one here.
34:58No one.
34:59No one but the janitors.
35:01Right.
35:01There's no reason why you'd be here with a janitor.
35:04Uh, um, okay, you took off the entire month of October.
35:08The Million Man March.
35:11I understood that was just a weekend thing.
35:13Well, we had to take the bus to Washington and back.
35:15It was about black male bonding, sir.
35:17Didn't you see Get on the Bus, the Spike Lee movie?
35:19Uh, yes.
35:21No, but...
35:22Oh, I guess a movie about the black experience doesn't interest you.
35:25No, no, no, no, no, nothing like that.
35:26In fact, look, here, make the note.
35:27Go, see, get on the bus.
35:29See, see?
35:30It's just that I've been really busy.
35:32Actually, a lot of it's been covering for the two of you guys is what most of...
35:36It's...
35:37The point is, fellas, as my head of sales and my head of purchasing, we really, really
35:44need you two around a little more.
35:46Are you saying that we don't get our work done?
35:49According to these records, you've missed the year-end stockholders meeting?
35:53There was a very special episode of Moesha.
35:56The January sales convention.
35:58Rick James retrial.
35:59The entire spring quarter.
36:02Freaknik!
36:02Three months?
36:05Yes.
36:06Because of the...
36:08See, 250 years ago when our forefathers were gone here as slaves!
36:11I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
36:13Uh, look.
36:14Why don't we compromise, guys?
36:16When you are here, you gotta promise me you're gonna work extra hard.
36:20Extra hard?
36:20You what, you mean like slaves?
36:22No!
36:25Don't worry, sir.
36:26We will make up for whatever time we're forced to take off.
36:29That's all I need to hear, guys.
36:30That's all.
36:31Okay, okay.
36:32Hey, good talk.
36:33Good talk, guys.
36:34Good talk.
36:35And you're here now, so why don't you run out and make some calls, okay?
36:38Ooh.
36:39Can't, sir.
36:40You can't?
36:41Gotta go to a baseball game.
36:43Jackie Robinson Day?
36:46Yeah.
36:50That went well.
36:51I think that went well.
37:02We're all with you in your time of loss.
37:22We're all with you in your time of loss.
37:31How difficult it must be to lose one's wife.
37:35She was everything.
37:36She was my life.
37:38Yes.
37:40Ah, Devery.
37:42Devery will be leading the services in song.
37:44Devery, this is Mr. Remington.
37:46Hello, Devery.
37:47Hello, Mr. Remington.
37:49Mr. Remington, I'm very sorry about your wife.
37:52Thank you, Devery.
37:53Thank you very much.
37:54Oh, you're very welcome, Mr. Remington.
37:56Mr. Remington, are you Richard Remington?
37:58Yes.
37:59Of Deftone Records?
38:01Yes.
38:02Did you get my tape?
38:03Excuse me?
38:04I'm Devery Williams.
38:05I sent you a tape the other day.
38:06Did you get it?
38:07I wrote, open in a hurry, talent inside.
38:09Did you hear it?
38:10Mr. Remington, I am a really good singer.
38:12I mean, did you listen to the tape?
38:13If you heard it, I know you'd love it.
38:15Did you hear it?
38:15Devery.
38:16Okay, Mr. Williams, maybe we can get a drink after the funeral.
38:19I could get you some kasingles.
38:21Devery!
38:22No, I see.
38:24Mr. Remington, when I do a nightclub act,
38:26I usually wear a really sexy gown with a low-cut front.
38:30I just have to dress this way for funerals
38:31because someone's dead like your wife.
38:33Devery!
38:34This is a funeral.
38:35Let's sing.
38:36Okay, sorry.
38:37Mr. Remington, you just sit right up front.
38:40I am sitting up front.
38:41Right.
38:49Swing love, sweet chariot.
38:56Coming forward to carry me home.
39:05Carry me home to a hot child in the city.
39:09Follow me.
39:10Hot child in the city.
39:13Yeah, yeah.
39:14Running wild and looking pretty.
39:16Cause I'm a hot child in the city.
39:24Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
39:25Thank you very much.
39:26That was Hot Child in the City,
39:28covered by me, Devery Williams.
39:30And now, for a change of pace,
39:31I'd like to do a little number that I wrote myself.
39:34And it goes out to a very special new widower.
39:37And I think you know who you are.
39:40Hit it.
39:41Hit what?
39:45Well, it just doesn't get any better than this.
39:50My life is so blessed and so great.
39:54Well, just keep the...
39:55Then forward, there's no need to...
39:57That's fine, but I work alone.
39:59Don't you hesitate.
40:02And baby, you can't bet I'm in a state of bliss.
40:06Keep us smiling every day.
40:09Well, I'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world.
40:13And I'm most peculiar.
40:15My music, it will rule ya.
40:16Most peculiar way.
40:19Young lady, that was just beautiful.
40:28I am going to sign you to my label.
40:31Oh, oh my God.
40:32Thank you, Mr. Remington.
40:33You see, Father, at least today wasn't a total loss.
40:36Oh, yes.
40:38Yes!
40:40Hallelujah!
40:42Hallelujah!
40:45Yes!
40:49Thank you, Mr. Remington.
41:19Thank you, Mr. Remington.
41:49That's our show for tonight.
41:52I hope everyone had a great time.
41:54I know I did.
41:55I want to thank these guys, and remember to keep watching MADtv.
41:58Thank you!
41:59Thank you!
42:01Thank you!
42:03Thank you!
42:04Thank you!
42:05Thank you!
42:07Thank you!
42:09Thank you!
42:11You can't be scared!
42:13You can't be scared!
42:15Nicole, you've got to start a fight!
42:17Nicole, you've got to start a fight!
42:21Diamond!
42:23No danger.
42:25Thank you!
42:26We're going to have dialogue.
42:27Diamond!
42:29What the hell is that?
42:31What the hell is that?
42:33Oh!
42:34Oh!
42:35Oh!
42:36Oh!
42:37Oh!
42:38Oh!
42:39Oh!
42:40Thank you!
42:41Thank you!
42:42Thank you!
42:44You didn't sell the meat!
42:47Oh!
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