- 16 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 13
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching the TV.
00:08Lowered expectations.
00:13Are you desirably impaired?
00:15Do you find yourself serving pungent parties?
00:18Would you describe yourself as shy, old-fashioned, not on anyone's A-list?
00:22Is your ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality?
00:26Well, unless you win the lottery, you're never going to land that dreamboat.
00:31But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody.
00:34And that's why lowered expectations may be for you.
00:38Our video library is packed with thousands of chronically rejected singles, just like you.
00:44Willow, pound 3, 2, 1.
00:46Hello there. Hello.
00:48It's pretty strange being here at a dating service.
00:51But the fact is...
00:54I'm accordin' for a lad with a wit and a sass, a boy who'll fill my days with song.
01:04My nights with warmth and grace, I'm accordin' for to find a man.
01:09Hi, diddle, hi, ho.
01:12And a hi, diddle, hi, ho.
01:15Hi, hey, and a ho.
01:17Ho.
01:17And a hey.
01:19Hey.
01:20And a hi, diddle, hey, call me.
01:26Hope you call me.
01:37For Willow, press pound 3, 2, 1.
01:40Lower expectations.
01:41When you've been blown off by the rest, settle for what you can get.
01:48Lower expectations.
01:51Whoa!
01:52Whoa!
01:52Whoa!
01:53Whoa!
01:53Whoa!
01:54Whoa!
01:55Whoa!
01:56Whoa!
01:57Whoa!
01:58Whoa!
01:59Whoa!
02:00Whoa!
02:01Whoa!
02:02Whoa!
02:03Whoa!
02:04Whoa!
02:05Whoa!
02:06Whoa!
02:07Whoa!
02:08Whoa!
02:09Whoa!
02:10Whoa!
02:11Come on, come on!
02:12Man!
02:12Yeah!
02:14You're so crazy!
02:24Ooh!
02:24Man!
02:29Man!
02:31Man!
02:33You're so crazy!
02:37Heck, come on!
02:38Come on!
02:39Come on!
02:39Hey, how you doing? Welcome to MADtv. Thanks for tuning in. Tell you what, sit back,
03:01kick your feet up, and check this out. Yeah, and look for the scene where I take off all
03:05my clothes and use every muscle in my body. No, Brian, Brian, I cut that sketch. Snip.
03:12Look for all the muscles. I wear a groin thing. Enjoy the show. Brian, enjoy the show.
03:24Escape to the beautiful Montana Hills in Ronnie Lyle's militia training program and say goodbye
03:29to dependence on a weak, parasitic government that's taking away our arms, our rights, and
03:35our money. Put on those fatigues and get ready for a rootin', tootin', sharpshootin' good
03:40time as we get ready to roll into the 21st century. Bullets, Bibles, and bayonets are the bees
03:46that'll sting the government goodbye. Because the only way to light the dark cave that is
03:51America is with a blazing gun. And freedom's just another room for nothing left to shoot.
03:56When you come to Ronnie Lyle, you learn to wire, fire, dig, and die. And if you can't handle
04:02a smoke out, you won't make it to the cookout. So bring your arsenal and pack your Vista card.
04:08Because there's no taxation without retribution, and they don't take American Express.
04:13Vista, it's everywhere you want to be.
04:20Hello, I'm looking for my husband, Terry Caldwell. Is he ready yet?
04:40Oh yeah, he's fine. They're sewing him up right now.
04:42Sewing him up? He only came in for a checkup.
04:44Yeah, we got him up on the table, took a look at him, found a few problems, had to replace a couple things.
04:50So, unfortunately, it's gonna cost you a little bit more than you originally estimated.
04:53How much is a little bit more?
04:55Well, let's see, um, parts came to, uh, $2,000, and with labor, we got...
05:03$400,000?
05:05What's the difference, huh? You got insurance, right?
05:07Well, yes, but...
05:08Here, I'll show you something. First off, the heart was just shot.
05:11All right, put in a new one, replace all the hoses. Here's the opening.
05:15Now, you can see right there. See the ventricles there? They're almost totally clogged.
05:19You'll definitely know this little get-up-and-go with the new one.
05:21Good Lord.
05:22Yeah, I noticed the heart when I was doing the appendectomy.
05:25Appendectomy? He had his appendix taken out when he was a teenager.
05:29Yeah, well, that must have grown back.
05:30Appendixes do not grow back.
05:32Hey, come on, now, who's the doctor here, huh?
05:34Now, I just need you to sign where I've circled right here. Press hard, because you're making five copies, all right?
05:39There you go. Hey, Stevie! Stevie, bring Mr. Caldwell around!
05:43They're bringing him around front right now for you.
05:45You want these old parts? Otherwise, I'll just chuck them.
05:47Oh, no. By the way, did you ever find out what was making that noise?
05:51What noise was that?
05:52It was kind of a...
05:53Wung! Wung!
05:55You'd do it all the time when he was going up the stairs.
05:58Wung, wung?
06:00Yes, like...
06:01Oh, when he was going down the stairs, Stevie.
06:03No, up.
06:04Yes, that's it. That's the sound.
06:07Oh, that sounds like a lung ready to go. Might as well throw him back under.
06:10Pop in a couple new ones. I'm sure we got a couple in stock.
06:14How long will that take?
06:16Lungs are an all-day job.
06:17I've got a dinner party in three hours.
06:20That's no problem. We'll give you a loaner.
06:22There you go. Now, take it easy on him.
06:25Oh, this ought to be fun. I haven't handled a stick in years.
06:30Yes.
06:32Bye-bye now.
06:35Next.
06:37Good night.
06:38I'll talk to you later.
06:41Oh, my God.
06:43I was going to talk to you later.
06:45I went to a party for the last week.
06:48Oh, my God.
06:50See you later.
06:52See you later.
06:53Let's go.
06:54Go!
06:55Basically, we're going to talk to you later.
06:57See you later.
06:58You get a go thing.
06:59See you later.
07:00Bye-bye.
07:01I'm going to talk to you later.
07:03do you have problems remembering people's names phone numbers how about things you need to do
07:26I thought so hello I'm memory expert Al Casdy and I can help you memory wizard is actually very simple
07:36you just need to visualize I'll show you hello hello what color is your shirt sir blue and what color
07:49are your pants red and your tie gray all right the first step in remembering is association now I try
08:02to associate something about each person with the color of their article of clothing for instance
08:08my assistant Rory that's Bill Bill had on a blue shirt so I just associate him with being sad or
08:17blue he also had on red pants so I just think of him as being so embarrassed his face turned red he
08:26was also wearing a gray tie since I cannot associate the color gray with someone's face I simply place
08:33this coonskin cap on top of his head to remind me of Davey cry who also once wore a coonskin cap and I
08:42believe once went to England which as you know can be quite gray see do you see now my assistant
08:53Bill will read to me a list of random words which I will instantly recall tugboat safety pin motley hike
09:09feathers munch all right here we go tugboat
09:19safety pin motley hike
09:26feathers munch
09:34see do you see writing things down is another way to remember things before we went on the air you'll
09:43remember that guy told me his phone number in front of you well quite some time has elapsed since I
09:51heard but now let's see how good my long-term memory is you told me your phone number before the show is
09:59that correct sir yes all right is your phone number five five zero one zero one no five five five zero one zero two
10:16nope nope do you know the number sir yes five five five zero one seven four
10:25yep that's it
10:27see do you see another way to remember things is to ask other people who remember things better than
10:37you do it's just that simple so if you want a powerful memory then don't forget to buy my memory
10:46wizard cassettes that will teach you these memory tricks and others just send fourteen dollars to memory
10:53wizard p.o box seven two three new york new york one zero zero zero one order now
11:01you are now watching the tv
11:18ah
11:25oh god have we had a hard date or what huh
11:32not for long
11:37Sarah, what's happening?
11:49What's going on here?
11:50This is not funny.
12:41Mulder, don't you think eight hours of porno is enough research?
12:45Mulder?
12:47Oh.
12:48Yeah, right.
12:51Research.
12:52According to adult video news, that makes 25 porn stars that have disappeared over the last eight months.
12:58Areola, Joy Gong, Ryman Hyman, Orgasma, and now Winona Jugs.
13:05The cream of the porn industry gone without a trace.
13:10Except for some indelible moments captured forever on film.
13:13But don't you think that's typical of the porn industry, Mulder?
13:16Doesn't their extreme isolation from mainstream society cause them to be vulnerable to murder, drug overdoses, or accidents related to genital enhancement?
13:24Everything isn't as black and white as it appears to be, Scully.
13:28The truth is out there.
13:30Along with a lot of middle-aged men who have nothing to get off on.
13:33What's that supposed to mean?
13:34Hey, I need wood, stalk, branch, horn.
13:43Am I speaking English?
13:44You can understand here.
13:47Now.
13:47Back to your question.
13:52Winona Jugs was the finest actress I ever had the pleasure of working with.
13:55Singles, doubles, gang scenes.
13:58A pro.
13:58Always.
14:00That looks like sperm.
14:01I'm going to get some samples.
14:04You mind if I ask them a few questions?
14:05Oh, go right ahead.
14:07Three seems great.
14:08Thanks.
14:08You were best friends with Winona Jugs, is that true?
14:22Yes.
14:24Yes.
14:25We got into the business together at the same time.
14:32Did you notice anything unusual over the last couple of days?
14:35Yes.
14:37Yes.
14:38I mean, no.
14:40No.
14:41Huh.
14:41The power stretch now, the power stretch.
14:43The power stretch.
14:45Motor?
14:46Come on, and try it, and try it right away now.
14:50Like you're making a sandwich.
14:51The sample is unlike anything I've ever seen before.
14:53It's not human.
14:56What's going on?
15:05Now that's the greatest money shot I ever seen.
15:08Agents Mulder and Scully.
15:23Cue card man.
15:25Why have you brought us here?
15:31Scully, calm down.
15:34These aliens come from a world that has lost all sexual desire.
15:37They're using our porn stars to stimulate the testosterone and the male of their species and procreate their race.
15:42Mulder, we have to do something, like warn the government.
15:45That will not be necessary.
15:48We have been working with your government for years.
15:51Since Debbie does Dallas, I believe.
15:55An arrangement was made.
15:57Our greatest technological advances.
15:59Time travel.
16:00Virtual reality.
16:02Cold nuclear fusion.
16:04In exchange for your adult film celebrities.
16:09Why have you been dealing with our government?
16:11You obviously have the capability of stealing our porn stars anytime you like.
16:15Well, we, uh, that is, uh, uh...
16:19Oh, the Earthling is right.
16:21Bummer.
16:22Quick, think of something.
16:24This has all been a bad dream.
16:27A bad dream.
16:29Ooh, aliens.
16:31It's scary.
16:32Hit the button.
16:33Ooh, flown home.
16:35Ooh, between the stars.
16:37The samples are gone, Mulder.
16:51We're left with nothing.
16:54Except for these...
16:56Her own necklaces.
16:59What happened up there?
17:02What happened up there?
17:07Tony, pound eight, nine, five.
17:25Hey, girls.
17:28Do I look like Tony Danza or what?
17:30Huh?
17:31Huh?
17:32Wouldn't you like to date a guy who looks like me like Tony Danza?
17:34Huh?
17:35Huh?
17:35A lot of babes go crazy over a guy like me who looks like a big Hollywood actor like Tony Danza.
17:40Huh?
17:41He's really built.
17:43Huh?
17:43Huh?
17:43He was a boxer.
17:44Did you know that?
17:45And he's very, very popular with the ladies for many, many reasons.
17:49And I can't tell you how many ladies come up to me and say,
17:51Yo, Tony Danza!
17:52Huh?
17:53But, you know, a guy like that's real impossible for a regular lady to get with.
17:57So, right now, you're looking at a very available, very reasonable facsimile.
18:02So, so, who's the boss, huh?
18:04Huh?
18:05Huh?
18:05Huh?
18:06Who's the boss?
18:07Huh?
18:08Huh?
18:08Look, huh?
18:09Who's the boss?
18:10Yeah!
18:11Yeah!
18:11Get busy!
18:12Get busy!
18:13Who's the boss?
18:15Yeah!
18:16For Tony, press pound 895.
18:20The word of expectation.
18:22Coming up on Mad TV.
18:29Oh, righty then!
18:32Oh, righty then!
18:34Oh, righty then!
18:35Yes!
18:37Man!
18:38I am not gonna kill anyone if I don't have to.
18:43But if you have to, you might want to start with her!
18:45Oh, God damn it!
18:46Oh, God damn it!
18:51Honey, I'm home.
18:58Chris, what are you doing here?
19:01No, honey, not Chris.
19:02I'm Barry.
19:03I'm your husband.
19:04Look, stop joking.
19:05You've got to get out of here before Barry gets home.
19:07I know if he catches us together, I know he's gonna divorce me and kill you!
19:10Damn, I knew this would happen.
19:11Betsy, listen to me.
19:12Something's happened.
19:13There's been an accident.
19:14Accident?
19:15An accident?
19:16Is Barry okay?
19:17No.
19:18Oh, no.
19:18Listen, honey, I'm Barry.
19:20I'm Barry.
19:21I was in a motorcycle accident.
19:22It sheared off my head, but the helmet kept my brain intact.
19:25They rushed me to the hospital and they performed a head transplant.
19:29They put my brain inside this head.
19:32It was the only way they could keep me alive.
19:34What is the matter with you?
19:35Get out of here right now.
19:37I told you before...
19:37I hate to do this, but...
19:43Barry!
19:44Barry!
19:45Oh, my God!
19:46Listen to me!
19:46Oh, my God!
19:47I know it's hard to comprehend, but it happened.
19:50We're just gonna have to adjust.
19:52Now, say, who's...
19:53Who's Chris?
19:54Oh, um...
19:55I...
19:58You say you look like somebody named Chris, and I...
20:02Wait a minute.
20:02Then tell me who said they transplanted onto you.
20:05I don't know.
20:05They keep the identity of the donor secret.
20:07I guess it used to be a guy named Chris.
20:11Who's Chris?
20:11Barry, I didn't want to tell you this, but since this happened, I have no choice.
20:18I've been having an affair with somebody at work.
20:20What?
20:21With who?
20:21Tell me.
20:22With Chris.
20:24Your new head!
20:24Oh, no!
20:28No, I'm sorry, Barry.
20:29Please, it was just a fling.
20:31It meant nothing.
20:31Oh, God, I can't believe this is happening.
20:33You have an affair, and I don't have to wear his cheating head on my body?
20:37At least this son of a bitch is dead.
20:39I can't believe this is happening.
20:41Damn him!
20:42Damn his cheating head!
20:44No!
20:44Get off me!
20:45Barry!
20:45Bring it back!
20:46Chris!
20:46Barry!
20:47Stop it!
20:48Stop it!
20:49Why should I?
20:50Every time you look at me, you're gonna see him.
20:52Every time I look in the mirror, I'm gonna see the guy that ruined my marriage.
20:55Oh, please, please don't talk like that.
20:57Listen to me.
20:58It's you that I love.
20:59It's what's on the inside that matters, Barry, and your inside.
21:04Betsy, Betsy, it's me, Chris.
21:05What?
21:05Marge, I told you never to come here.
21:11What's going on here?
21:12Hey, man, how'd you get my head?
21:14Betsy, this is Marge, the woman I've been having an affair with.
21:18What?
21:22You've been having an affair with my half-sister, Marge?
21:26Will Barry ever forgive Betsy for cheating on him with Chris,
21:29whose brain is now in her half-sister's body?
21:32Will Chris forgive his body for sleeping with a man who now has his old head?
21:36Will Betsy kill Marge who now has her lover's brain
21:39for sleeping with her husband who now has her lover's head?
21:41Who will Betsy think about during sex?
21:44And whatever happened to Marge's brain?
21:46Tune in tomorrow to the next exciting episode of
21:49Your Cheatin' Head!
21:51Junior, what are you doing?
22:21Hi, I'm Jim Carrey, megastar and media darling.
22:30I just got paid $20 million for my last movie.
22:33And it wasn't because of any method training or phony
22:36but lonely, back, poor, techniques.
22:41No, it's because I know what the public want.
22:44And this is what the public wants.
22:47Do you have a mint?
22:49And now you too can learn the secrets of my success
22:52at the new Jim Carrey School of Acting.
22:58Alrighty then.
22:59Okay, that was good, that was good.
23:01Remember though, it's a wind-up, a punch, and a reverberation.
23:05Alrighty then.
23:07Alrighty then.
23:08The Jim Carrey School of Acting teaches you the three N's
23:12that are the foundation of my genius.
23:15Mugging, manic, and money.
23:19Yes, you will study the magic behind each unique
23:22and startlingly different Jim Carrey performance.
23:25Here's Jim in Ace Ventura.
23:27Alrighty then.
23:29Here's Jim in Dumb and Dumber.
23:31Alrighty then.
23:33Here's Jim in Batman Forever.
23:35Alrighty then.
23:38Batman?
23:39You'll learn how to contort your face like a palsy victim,
23:42talk through different human orifices,
23:43and apply these same techniques to roll after roll after roll,
23:47no matter what the parts actually call for.
23:49And just wait till you see the results.
23:55Before I attended the Jim Carrey School of Acting,
23:58I sounded like this.
23:59But now I know what real acting means.
24:04Smokey!
24:06Forget Stanislavski.
24:07Say,
24:08Sayonara to Strasma.
24:10Some people may prefer a range in artistry,
24:13but they aren't the ones seeing my movies.
24:15Oh, and there is one more thing.
24:18Maybe if Olivier had learned how to talk out of his ass,
24:20he would have made $20 million too.
24:24Yes!
24:24Yes!
24:25Yes!
24:25Yes!
24:26Do you have a mix?
24:28Somebody stop me!
24:33The Jim Carrey School of Acting.
24:36Opening soon near you.
24:37You are now watching the TV.
24:55Lowered expectations.
25:00Ron, power's 395.
25:02Hi, I'm Ron.
25:04I like to read, watch TV, and shake hands with people who come to visit.
25:08I also like to talk on the CB radio.
25:11My handle is The Ventilator.
25:13And sometimes, when the doctors let me,
25:15I get to visit the clean room at the Jet Propulsion Lab and hug my mom.
25:19I also have a space suit,
25:21so we can go outside and see a movie until my batteries run out.
25:24Or we can just go to a dinner place, and I can watch you eat.
25:33Turn-ons, puzzles, computer chess, and that paddle with the ball attached to it.
25:39Turn-offs, bacteria, darts, and power failures.
25:43So, if you're tired of guys who grope you on the first date and come on like a freight train,
25:50then try me, Ron.
25:51I'll be here, always.
25:54For Ron, press pound 395.
25:58Lowered expectations.
26:09Hey! Stay down or I'll kill you.
26:11Are you sure that's everyone?
26:12They're all here.
26:13Hey, welcome to First United Bank.
26:16I'll be your customer service representative.
26:18How may I help you?
26:19Get the hell down.
26:21Okay.
26:22Sure.
26:23You know what?
26:24Uh-uh.
26:25Yeah, no.
26:26If you're gonna be rude,
26:27you're not gonna get your free refrigerator magnet.
26:30But thanks for standing by First United,
26:31and I'll be happy to stay.
26:33Okay, take care.
26:34Lady, shut up and get down with the others.
26:37Okay, I don't eat lunch with them,
26:38so I'm certainly not gonna sit on the floor with you.
26:40He's taking us hostage, you idiot.
26:43Was I talking to the old maid from the loans department?
26:46I don't think so.
26:48Now, I know you've never married and you're bitter,
26:50but calling me names isn't gonna get your husband,
26:52and how is it?
26:54No.
26:54Sit down and shut up.
26:56I gotta think here.
26:56I gotta think.
26:57That's gonna be very hard for you, I'm sure.
26:59You're obviously scared and stupid.
27:02It's okay.
27:02You're going to get us all killed.
27:04The new girl's going to get us all killed.
27:06You shut up, too.
27:08Don't answer that.
27:09Don't.
27:10I...
27:10What did I...
27:11Hello.
27:12Thank you for calling First United Bank.
27:14How may I help you?
27:16Yes, officer.
27:17There is a gentleman with a gun here,
27:18but you know what?
27:20Our hours are 10 to 6,
27:21so I'm afraid you'll have to call me.
27:23Give me that.
27:23Go sit down with the others.
27:25All right.
27:26Yeah.
27:27No, my name is right.
27:29All right.
27:29Good.
27:30Good.
27:31Okay.
27:33They're sending someone in,
27:34so I want everyone to shut up.
27:36Loray?
27:37Hi.
27:38I'm Officer Bradley.
27:39I'm here to negotiate with you.
27:40I'm totally unarmed, okay?
27:41Okay.
27:42Nobody gets hurt if you do what I say, all right?
27:44You know what?
27:45Yeah, no, you're not gonna do as a hostage negotiator,
27:48but thanks so much for stopping by First United.
27:50Okay, take it.
27:51Bye-bye.
27:51What are you talking about?
27:53Ma'am, you obviously have no respect for these hostages.
27:56Don't you understand?
27:57Plain-clothes cop doesn't necessarily mean plain-clothes.
28:02Be courteous to the 5-0.
28:04Oh, my.
28:05Why don't you just calm down and let me handle this?
28:07Yeah, will you let her handle this?
28:08Let her handle this.
28:10Okay, Grandma, you're not gonna live very much longer,
28:12so I don't know why you're so concerned of y'all.
28:15I want a car escort to the airport,
28:18a million dollars in cash,
28:19and a fully-fueled plane.
28:21Sure, you know what?
28:22What?
28:23What now?
28:24Uh-uh.
28:24Yeah, no.
28:26He's obviously bluffing.
28:27See, he hasn't even killed a hostage,
28:29and he's making demands.
28:30He definitely should have killed someone.
28:32I'm gonna kill you!
28:33I'm gonna kill you!
28:34La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
29:04Hope y'all have a nice day. Take care. Bye-bye.
29:09I believe this is yours.
29:12All right, Ray, we got the money, cars...
29:15What the... What the...
29:16Cha, you know what?
29:18He's a cold-blooded killer, and he's not giving up.
29:21Better send in the SWAT team. Bye-bye.
29:25Hit the deck!
29:34That is it, Stuart!
29:39I am sick of you, and I'm sick of taking your crap!
29:42I'm not gonna be the fall guy, Stuart, okay?
29:44The buck stops here.
29:46It all ends right now!
30:04P-p-p-p-p.
30:14P-p-p-p-p.
30:23P-p-p-p-p.
30:27P-p-p-p.
30:32Wait! Wait!
31:02Hello? Yes, he's right here.
31:15Hello? Oh, yeah. Hi, Mr. Watkins. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. No, no, no, no problem. I'm sorry.
31:27Okay. Sorry again, sir.
31:29This isn't over yet, Stuart!
31:54Next week on MADtv...
31:56Are you Goldie? No, Goldie's the blonde. I'm Whoopi.
31:59Anybody can become famous. Just ask Kato Kaelin, Fabio, or the Fat Boys.
32:04Kyle, Lisa, meet white chocolate.
32:06I'm a funk monkey, drinking brass monkey, moving crazy, grooving, kind of fat, and I'm hunky. You know what I'm saying?
32:13You are now watching MADtv.
32:23Punk.
32:24Geez. I can't believe soda is a dollar twenty-five.
32:31Me neither. It's getting insane.
32:33Two years ago was sixty-five cents. Then it was ninety-five cents, and now it's a dollar twenty-five.
32:38Tell me about it. You just can't win.
32:40You know what it is. The price of sugar goes up, they raise the price of soda. The price of sugar goes down, the price of soda stays the same.
32:46Yeah, then the price of sugar goes up again, the price of soda goes up, too.
32:49That's how they get you.
32:50Yeah, that's how they get you.
32:51I just saw this new Ace Ventura movie with my wife.
32:57Yeah? How was it?
32:58I went to one of these bargain matinees because it cost three fifty. Ended up getting taken for a ride.
33:03How so?
33:04My wife gets one of those popcorns that cost four twenty-five. Things got so much salt on it, we used to need a soda. Small soda in the place is the size of a freaking bird bath and costs three twenty-five.
33:14Damn sugar lobby.
33:16Tell me about it. So you know what happens when you drink that much soda, nature calls.
33:19Yeah, I know, I've been there.
33:21Yeah. So, she gets one of these sodas, we both have to go to the bathroom, missed the best part of the movie. We gotta go back and see it again that night. This time, it ain't at matinee prices. Eight bucks a pop. Plus, I gotta get a babysitter for the kids, that's another twenty-two dollars.
33:34What a nightmare.
33:35Plus another popcorn, one or more of those gigantic sodas, we had to go to the bathroom again, this time we went during a part we already saw.
33:41That's nice.
33:43But so, I come back to my seat, and my three hundred dollar bomber jacket's been stolen.
33:47Oh, no.
33:48Oh, yeah. Plus, a thirty-five dollar parking ticket. So, freaking Ace Ventura ended up costing me four hundred one dollars and fifty-five cents. Some bargain matinee.
33:57That's how they get you.
33:58Yeah, that's how they get you.
34:00I just, uh, just got a free puppy down there at the animal shelter.
34:07Then I find out he needs shots and a flea collar, and I gotta feed him every damn day.
34:12Wow.
34:13Then they tell me he's got a bad kidney, so I gotta have him airlifted to some special dog hospital in Paris. That's six grand right there.
34:21Then, he was in intensive care for like three weeks waiting for a donor kidney.
34:25Oh, no.
34:26And the hospital room is six hundred bucks a night.
34:29Six hundred bucks American?
34:30Yeah.
34:31And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
34:33The operation cost me eleven grand.
34:35Then I got a flight of wife and kids out there to be with a puppy, that's another thirty-five hundred.
34:39And the only hotel available was three hundred dollars a night.
34:41Two hundred dollars American?
34:42Yeah.
34:43Anyway, turns out the dog's alright, but it sent me back thirty-nine thousand four hundred fifty-six bucks.
34:48Yeah, some free puppy.
34:50That's how they get you.
34:51You got that right.
34:52I'll tell you something.
34:53Sick and tired of getting taken advantage of.
34:54Tell me about it.
34:56Yeah, well, I gotta go.
34:58Get my haircut.
34:59Forty grand.
35:00Forty grand?
35:01What's the story on that?
35:03Nothing.
35:04That's what the guy charges.
35:05What you gonna do, huh?
35:06Yeah.
35:07Looks good though.
35:08Thanks, man.
35:09You look good.
35:10Thanks.
35:11Yeah, get some fries with that shake.
35:28Hello, Laura.
35:29Hi, Roger.
35:30Where's Troy?
35:31Um, he's right here, but before I bring him in, I just want to be clear about the visitation rules.
35:35Oh yeah, I know, I know.
35:36Three minutes a month.
35:38Right.
35:39But, those three minutes do not start until after Troy crosses the threshold of this apartment.
35:43Oh, well, great.
35:44Okay.
35:45Uh, Troy.
35:46Hey, hey, big man.
35:48It's good to see you.
35:49Now, Troy, listen.
35:50I want to make sure that we...
35:52Whoa, no, no, no, no.
35:54You got more than enough time to watch TV at your mom's.
35:56This is our special time together.
35:58Now, let's start the day off right.
35:59Made your favorite breakfast, French toast.
36:01Where's the syrup?
36:02Ah.
36:03All right.
36:04All done.
36:05Good.
36:06Well, son, have you given any thought to what you want to be when you grow up?
36:22Oh.
36:23Hey, you got lots of time.
36:24Now, I'm going to teach you how to box.
36:26Come on.
36:27You know, I took boxing when I was your age.
36:29It's a sport that really builds character and discipline.
36:32Ooh, good shot.
36:33Ha ha.
36:34You must be famished after all that exercise.
36:36Let's eat some lunch.
36:37All right.
36:38Lunchtime's over.
36:39Troy, look at that.
36:40Now, what have I told you about wasting food?
36:41I'm going to have to punish you, son.
36:42Go stand in that corner and think about what you've done.
36:43Go ahead, now.
36:44Okay.
36:45Time for homework.
36:46Homework.
36:47Ooh, look at that.
36:48History.
36:49You know, history is one of my favorite subjects.
36:50Did you know that in 1898, the U.S. annexed Hawaii because it was considered vital to Asian
36:55trade?
36:56Oh, look at that.
36:57History.
36:58You know, history is one of my favorite subjects.
37:00Did you know that in 1898, the U.S. annexed Hawaii because it was considered vital to Asian trade?
37:06To, uh, let's play some football.
37:11Feedback?
37:17Happy birthday, Troy.
37:19This time of my birthday, not until two weeks.
37:22Yes, but I won't see you for another four weeks.
37:24So, make a wish and blow out the candle.
37:27Son, we've never discussed the facts of life.
37:32So, well, okay, here it goes.
37:34Um, men, women, kissing.
37:36Sperm, eggs, baby.
37:37No sleep.
37:38Colic, bills, fights, vasectomy, trial separation, restraining order, custody battle.
37:42Ask your mother.
37:43Now, Troy, there's something I've been wanting to give you for a very long time.
37:49Oh, well.
37:50I'll give it to you next time.
37:51Hi, Troy.
37:52It's time to go back to the babysitters.
37:53Bye, Dad.
37:54Get easy, son.
37:55And, hey, Troy.
37:56Remember, this summer we'll have 15 minutes.
37:57We can drive past Disneyland.
37:58What a great dream çünkü.
37:59All right?
38:00Bye, it's time to, of course.
38:01Have to go back after me.
38:02Have a great dream.
38:03Aye, allegations are olla mondo.
38:04That's the fun.
38:05Well, where lose Regardless of your life is all alone.
38:07It has trouble.
38:08No dads aren't awkward.
38:09Oh, well, I'll talk about the fact that you see yourself with a pet cat,
38:10and that's, I guess, you gotne of all you.
38:11Yes, Arcade and Bow with a great mowling,
38:15and that's like, you've spent a ejemplo with a baby.
38:16Michael, I'm Dr. Gryzitka.
38:39Please.
38:40Hey, um, look, I've never been to a shrink before, you know?
38:44I'm sorry, I studied English in university, but I'm new to America.
38:49What does a shrink mean?
38:50Well, a shrink is a nickname for psychiatrists, you know,
38:53because it's short for head shrinker, because you guys work with people's heads.
38:57Oh, interesting.
38:58Okay, so, what is your problem?
39:01Oh, man, I don't even know where to start.
39:04Well, work was the only halfway decent thing in my life,
39:07and then yesterday I got canned, you know?
39:09I mean, it's just like out of nowhere.
39:10I'm sorry, you are canned?
39:12Like a can of soup?
39:13Someone gave you a can of soup?
39:15No, no, I got fired.
39:16Oh, fired, you were burned.
39:19I am a doctor, but this is not my area.
39:20No, no, no, I didn't catch on fire.
39:22I got fired.
39:23My boss told me to hit the bricks.
39:24I'm out of work.
39:25Wait, your boss hit you with bricks?
39:28No, he told me that I no longer have a job.
39:31My life is falling apart, and basically I'm just at the end of my rope.
39:34Oh, and you cannot buy more rope because you have no job.
39:37No, look, what I'm saying is that I'm miserable because I don't have a job,
39:43and on top of that, I just dumped my girlfriend.
39:45You put your girlfriend in a dump?
39:48No, I left her.
39:50I told her I didn't want to see her anymore just because she wouldn't let me get past second base.
39:53Second base is a sexual metaphor that comes from baseball,
39:58which is an American sport where they have three bases and home plate.
40:02You know, first base is like kissing, second base is touching.
40:05I mean, I can't remember if it's overclosed or underclosed.
40:07Third base is basically everything.
40:09Okay, let's go back.
40:10You let your boss hit you with bricks?
40:13No, no, no, that's just an expression, okay?
40:15It's a stupid little expression to express something stupid.
40:18Do I have to tell you what an expression is?
40:20Oh, no, no, no.
40:21In my country, we have expressions, too.
40:22One such expression is,
40:24if an apple is red, the boy who bites it will taste the juices of future love.
40:29If the apple is green, he will taste the bitterness of jealousy to be later in life.
40:33If the apple isn't yellow...
40:34Look, I don't care about your apples, all right?
40:38I am depressed.
40:39I need to talk about my problems.
40:42Okay, so what you're saying is,
40:46you are depressed because you did not like the can of soup your boss gave you,
40:49and you put your girlfriend in the dump because she would not kiss your second base.
40:54Yeah, that's it exactly.
40:58Feel better now?
40:59Perfect.
41:00Thanks.
41:01How much do I owe you?
41:02A hundred big ones.
41:03I'll mail it to you.
41:06Okay.
41:07Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
41:09Thank you for tuning in.
41:24Have a good night, everybody.
41:25Good night.
41:26And tune in next week for when I do the scene that I told you about in the beginning
41:28where I take my clothes off, use all my muscles.
41:30It's so cool.
41:31It's gonna happen.
41:33That's obnoxious.
41:34Good night.
41:34We here at MADtv hope this Ryan character really catches on.
41:50He says foolish things, and then we sort of beat on him.
41:52Enjoy.
41:53Three.
41:53Three.
42:04Three.
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