- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 18
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01You all are watching M.A.T.V.
00:10Hola!
00:12If it is Mexican food you desire, then come, come, come to El Chavito.
00:19At El Chavito, the food is so good, so steamy that it sizzles with its height.
00:25At El Chavito, we use only the freshest ingredients, including juicy, gruby bread, meats, and laches.
00:36Bright tomatoes, hot peppers, exotic spices to tantalize and arouse your taste buds.
00:45Every bite and tease, every succulent morsel is a mouth full of delight.
00:54Drenched!
00:56What orgasmic flavor!
00:59That makes you shudder, equilibrium, savory, pleasure.
01:02Oh yes! Que delicia!
01:05Once you start, you cannot stop!
01:09You must have it! Have it all!
01:12Take it! Take it!
01:14Oh yes! Yes!
01:17You know you want it! Take it!
01:19And don't forget our fiesta hour and other participating El Chavito locations!
01:27Sixteen minutes of the coolest, wetest, saltiest, margaritas quenching your thirst!
01:35At the lowest prices in town!
01:40Hey, mommy!
01:41Help me! Help me!
01:45Ah, another satisfied customer.
01:47So if it is Mexican food you desire, then come to El Chavito.
01:52Do it! Do it!
01:55You know you want it!
02:00El Chavito, come!
02:11Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
02:12Come on! Come on!
02:14Mad!
02:15Mad!
02:17You're so
02:19Mad!
02:20Crazy!
02:24Mad!
02:28Mad!
02:33Mad!
02:35Tonight on Mad TV,
02:37Ms. Swan,
02:39Brett Butler,
02:40Mad!
02:41And special guest Phyllis Diller!
02:42You are now watching the TV!
02:43You are now watching the TV!
02:44Mad!
02:45M'am!
02:46You are now watching the TV!
02:47The TV!
02:57Mad!
02:58So how are you doing?
03:23How are you doing tonight?
03:25All right.
03:28Well, welcome to MADtv.
03:30For those of you tuned in, thank you for inviting us into your homes.
03:33For those of you in our studio audience, it is a pleasure to have you here tonight.
03:37Now, a while ago, we sent our MADtv bus on a tour across America.
03:42And here is that bus.
03:43Take a look at your monitors.
03:46That's a bad bus, wasn't it?
03:49Okay, now what we wanted to do was we wanted to have this sort of old-fashioned Touch America contest tour.
03:55So on this tour, we had this contest.
03:57And out of the thousands and thousands of sweepstake tickets that were handed out along the way, we chose six.
04:03And right now, I'd like you to meet the six winners of the MADtv bus tour sketch contest.
04:10Bring them on up.
04:10Come on up here, y'all.
04:11Come on, give it up.
04:14Give it up.
04:16Yes.
04:18Yeah.
04:19Yes.
04:22Woo.
04:22Yes.
04:25Now, since you already know how to give it up, you're going to have to do it a little later on because these six winners are featured in a MADtv sketch.
04:33So please, sit back, relax, laugh your ass off.
04:38We're going to have a terrific show.
04:49Why do you have to broaden in the background?
04:51That's what I want to know.
04:52Oh, crazy.
04:56Notice that I can dance and keep the beat at the same time.
04:58It's a black thing.
04:59I'll teach you later.
04:59Drew Barrymore is back.
05:08And this time, she's really going to scream.
05:13Hello?
05:14Hi there.
05:15Who's this?
05:17The question isn't who am I.
05:19It's where am I, blondie.
05:23You can see me?
05:25Oh, yeah.
05:26And I'm about to see what your insides look like.
05:29I have to go.
05:36What?
05:37Hang up on me again like that, bitch, and I'll gut you like a fish.
05:40Tell me, what's your favorite long-distance company?
05:43Oh, no.
05:44It's Candace Bergen, the dime lady.
05:47Well, it certainly isn't Bill Clinton, or I'd be asking for contributions.
05:50Oh, my God.
05:52The stale delivery of that political joke is as bad on the phone as it is on your show.
05:57Oh, yeah?
05:58Tell me.
05:59What long-distance company can save you every month?
06:02Get the answer wrong, you die.
06:04Get the answer right, you win 120 free weekend minutes, then you die.
06:08Ah!
06:09Leave me alone.
06:17Hi, this is Paul Reiser.
06:19Did you know that my phone company offers 20% off every call to anyone?
06:23And the others?
06:24Not so much.
06:26Not you, too?
06:27How did you people get my number?
06:30But why are your shows still on the air?
06:34Okay, okay, I have a question for you.
06:36Do you know what your heart looks like squished in my hand?
06:38Swish to my company.
06:39Oh, you're dead.
06:42Okay, what just happened here?
06:49Listen, you psycho.
06:51My boyfriend is on his way over here, and when he gets here, he's gonna kick your ass.
06:57You mean your boyfriend, Steve?
06:59I'll tell you what.
07:00You tell me your favorite way to call collect, or I'm gonna take Steve and slice him in hand.
07:06See, now that's a white girl scream.
07:08You as a black girl, you'll ask me out the damn house by now.
07:11But I don't make collect calls.
07:15Well, you're gonna need to in a minute, because calls from hell is expensive.
07:22Hi, this is Casey.
07:25Leave me a message.
07:28I wouldn't answer that door if I were you.
07:32It was so simple.
07:34Sign up with me and you'll save a dime a minute.
07:41You should have chosen me.
07:42This is what I'm saying.
07:43No restrictions, no rules.
07:45Was I being unclear?
07:47If I was a black man, you wouldn't believe me, wouldn't you?
07:49Huh, you gonna believe it, brother, now.
07:55Why hassle with phone companies?
07:57Write a letter.
07:58This has been a friendly reminder from the U.S. Postal Service.
08:01Hello, hello, hello.
08:19This is Cabana Chat.
08:20And this is, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Phyllis Stiller.
08:32You like, I like.
08:35Now, I know Cabana Chat is usually hosted by Dixie Wetsworth, but that cow stole my whole
08:41act, so I've come to wreck her show.
08:44She's always bragging about her plastic surgery.
08:50Well, let me tell you, I've had so much work done, I don't tan, I melt.
08:55More men have worked on me than the pyramids.
08:59I tell you, if I have one more facelift, it'll be cesarean.
09:05Okay, now I'm going to introduce a guy I have no idea why.
09:09But anyway, here he is, James Brown, Jr.
09:22Aside from mumbles, what is it that you do on this show?
09:27Send, see you, you, you.
09:32That's great.
09:33He mumbles and he dances.
09:35Looking at me about ten years down the road.
09:39James, I'm Dixie.
09:42Don't worry, Dixie is all right.
09:45She and I were having lunch when right in the middle of dim sum, her chin fell into the
09:50soup.
09:52Well, anyway, she asked, she asked me to kickstart this pig while she has a new chin attached.
10:02James, dance me in.
10:04Oh, I'd recognize that honk anywhere.
10:08Ladies and gentlemen, Dixie Wetsworth.
10:17If it's C-O-D, I'm not signing, you can take it back.
10:23Hey, don't you want your tip?
10:26Sure.
10:27Here it is.
10:28My husband's always asleep by ten and the side door's never locked.
10:31Use it in good health.
10:36Welcome to your show.
10:38Well, Phyllis, you can have it back any time you want.
10:46See, she was the original host of Cabana Chat way back when.
10:49Well, actually, I was the second host.
10:52I took over from Eleanor Roosevelt.
10:55And let me tell you, you haven't lived till you've seen the footage of her mud wrestling
11:00Ricardo Montalbán.
11:02So it was Eleanor, then you, then Jackie O for a couple of years in the 60s, and then
11:08yours truly.
11:10Valley, you are part of a proud tradition.
11:13Now, how about that new chin?
11:15Glad you asked.
11:16Fixed like a glove.
11:17And look, Meshima let me keep the old one.
11:23Phyllis, do you remember your first surgery?
11:26No, but I remember when.
11:28It was right after I answered the door one night, and I had a broom in my hand, and a
11:32guy tried to sell me flight insurance.
11:36My face was so wrinkled, I used to screw my hats on.
11:40My face had been pulled up more times than Ted Kennedy's pants.
11:46Phyllis, you're a bip.
11:49Ted, Queen, come ye.
11:50Thank you, James.
11:56Hey.
11:56Well, oh dear, as far as I'm concerned, there's only been one queen of comedy, and that was
12:02Paul Lynde, bless his soul.
12:07But enough chit-chat.
12:09I brought you a gift.
12:11Would you like to see it?
12:12Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme.
12:14James, bring it in.
12:16Bye.
12:18See.
12:18He's mute, and he eats nothing but oysters.
12:28I call him Todd.
12:29Oh, well, he's a moisture machine.
12:32Have you taken Todd here for a test drive?
12:35No, but I had to look under the hood, if that's what you're asking.
12:39And?
12:40He'll get you where you're going.
12:41Ha, ha, ha.
12:43Ah.
12:45Ah.
12:47Ah.
12:47Ah.
12:48Ah.
12:50Ah.
12:50Ah.
12:51Ah.
12:51Ah.
12:54Ah.
12:56What a beautiful gift, Phyllis.
12:57I think I'm going to start bawling.
12:59Oh, shouldn't you wait till you two are alone?
13:02Ah.
13:03Phyllis.
13:04You're wicked.
13:05Oh, well, look who's talking.
13:07Oh, I wish this could go on all night long, but I guess that's up to Todd.
13:12Ah.
13:12Don't you worry, he's a regular, ever-ready bunny.
13:19Well, in that case, let's get hopping.
13:22Todd, help me up.
13:23Ah.
13:24Ah.
13:24I'd like to thank today's very special guest, Phyllis Dillow.
13:33Oh, this has been Cabana Chat, and this, ah, ah, ah, is Dixie Wetsworth, Todd James Dance.
13:48That, because he got to let out of the switch, Phyllis Dillow.
14:01Spice Girls' audition.
14:02Inbred Spice take one.
14:04Take what?
14:05Why do you want to be a Spice Girl?
14:07My parents can't afford an indoor ad house.
14:09I just want to buy them a new slop jar.
14:11How old are you?
14:13Thirteen.
14:14Okay, just do whatever it is you came here to do.
14:17Yep.
14:30Next.
14:34Ladies and gentlemen, Corky and the Juice Pigs!
14:58Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
15:06We'd like you to put your hands together and welcome to the MADtv stage
15:11the very talented, the hugely talented, the one and only Meat Loaf.
15:23Baby, the time has come
15:44For me to make my final bow
15:46Before the spotlight flickers out
15:51I'm gonna make my way somehow
15:55The clowns and jesters
15:58They make up its me hit with tears
16:02All I got is this electric guitar
16:05And one last case of beats
16:09Nobody can tell me now
16:12I'm too fat to rock and roll
16:17Nobody can tell me now
16:20I'm too fat to rock and roll
16:24I'm gonna get a jelly doughnut
16:28Right into the night
16:30Cause you can still eat a bucket of chicken
16:33While you're riding on a motorbike
16:35You know I love you, baby
16:38Didn't mean to cause you pain
16:40But I needed another sausage
16:43And a double order of Talmadge
16:45You know I love you, baby
16:48And I'm never gonna push you away
16:50But you shouldn't have tried to make me juice
16:53Between you and the Italian buffet
16:55And nobody can tell me now
16:59I'm too fat to rock and roll
17:01I'm too fat to rock and roll
17:03I'm too fat to rock and roll
17:05Tell me now
17:06I'm too fat to rock and roll
17:09Baby, wanna deep dry your heart
17:11Then I'll saute your soul
17:13I'll eat your love with a side salad
17:17For dessert I'll have a cinnamon roll
17:19You know I love you, baby
17:22Didn't mean to make you cry
17:24But I needed another hamburger
17:28And another slice of apple pie
17:30And if there's a God in heaven
17:33Like I know there's a devil in hell
17:36One day I'm gonna get you back
17:39Hey, is that a barbecue I smell?
17:43Nobody can tell me now
17:45I'm too bad to rock and roll
17:47Nobody can tell me now
17:51I'm too bad to rock and roll
17:55Too bad to rock and roll
17:57Too bad to rock and roll
18:00Roll, roll, roll
18:06Oh, what a beautiful roll
18:17The ABC sitcom Grace Under Fire
18:27Came to an end when Brett Butler
18:29Finally lost her ongoing battle
18:31With painkillers and alcohol
18:33But after a couple of weeks in rehab
18:35She's back and better than ever
18:36And Fox's hilarious new
18:38Grace Under the Influence
18:41Here are some scenes from this week's episode
18:44Hey, neighbor, what you up to?
18:51Okay
18:52Doing the monthly bills?
18:56Baby, I
18:56Well, sure, I could loan you a few bucks
18:59Until next payday if you're short
19:01No, thanks
19:01What do you mean, no?
19:03You and that foolish bride of yours
19:05Look, there's some loose change behind the couch
19:07I'll get myself a raise
19:13I'm gonna get my
19:14Hey, that's a great idea, Grace
19:15Invite your boss, Mr. Wilkins, over for a home-food meal
19:18And then ask him for a raise
19:20Grace, ask him for a raise
19:22Grace, grace
19:23Good idea, Grace
19:26Good luck getting that raise
19:27Hey, you're terrific
19:28But when Grace's boss comes for dinner
19:32Your mother's quite the cook, little lady
19:34Yeah, but only when company comes over
19:37I wish you ain't here every night
19:39Oh
19:39A business?
19:43Sure, I'd love more coffee
19:45And don't think I don't know what you're up to, Grace
19:47You're just buttering me up to go
19:49Raise
19:50You know, I feel like a smoke
19:51Then I'm gonna think about this raise business
19:54And after a meal like that, by gosh
19:58I've decided to give it to you
19:59No smoking
20:03Are you telling me you don't allow smoking in this house?
20:08Thanks, sweetie
20:09You heard me
20:10Secondhand smoke is a killer
20:12If you want to smoke, do it outside
20:14You have the nerve to kick me out of your house
20:16After I've just offered you a raise?
20:19Really?
20:20Yeah, she does
20:20Right, Mom?
20:22Yes
20:22See, she does
20:24Mr. Wilkins, I'm not gonna let anything hurt my daughter
20:27Who I love very much
20:29I want her to have everything I didn't have
20:31Starting with a pair of healthy lungs
20:33Yeah, you're right, Grace
20:35I'll go smoke outside
20:35And I'll go get the door
20:38It's Mr. Wilkins, Mom
20:41Sarah
20:41Grace
20:43I've thought it over
20:45And anybody who's more concerned with being a role model
20:48Than sucking up to a pig-headed old boss like me
20:50Deserves to be my new district manager
20:54Yay, you did it, Mom
20:56You jeopardized your career just to save my lungs
20:59You're the greatest mom in the whole world
21:01I love you
21:02Come here so I can hug you
21:03See you at work tomorrow
21:05I'm gonna get some rest so tomorrow I can be the best mom in the whole world, honey
21:09I love you too, Mom
21:12A very special Grace Under the Influence
21:15Tonight on Fox
21:17Right after James Brown's Riflebutt to the Head dance party
21:20Spice Girls audition, Swan Spice, take one
21:27Oh, why you snap so hard at my ears, you know
21:32You're gonna do the song?
21:33Yeah, okay, I do everything
21:35Okay, I tell you what I need
21:40You know what I truly, truly need, you know
21:43Wait, wait, hold on, hold on
21:44You're supposed to be singing
21:45Okay, you know, say sing before
21:49Okay, okay
21:51Okay, okay
21:55I tell you, I tell you what I need, you know
21:58I mean, what I truly need, you know
22:00Next
22:00I have needs, mister
22:02Next
22:02Okay, next
22:04Next
22:04Okay, you go
22:05Next
22:06That's what I said, next
22:08Yeah, I hear you
22:09Go!
22:10I'm standing here
22:11You cannot make me go
22:14Thank you, ma'am
22:15I'm going to be a Spice Girl, you see
22:18We're, thank you
22:19That's enough from you, thank you
22:21Okay
22:22Thank you, next
22:25No, no, I go
22:26I'm going
22:28Coming up next
22:31Coming up next on Mad TV
22:33Those two scumbags killed two cops
22:35You better take it personal
22:36What, like I don't take it personal?
22:38What are you capturing my breathing?
22:39It's not just a beer
22:41It's a miracle
22:43Larry flipped in Jane Austen's TNA
22:47It's you
22:48You are now watching Mad TV
22:54And now, a Mad TV classic
22:59In the tradition of Emma
23:02Pride and Prejudice
23:03And Sense and Sensibility
23:05Comes a tale of romantic love
23:07And hidden passion
23:09Dear diary
23:11This morning, my sister Miranda and I
23:13Were taking tea and watercress sandwiches in the garden
23:15Little did we know that fate would soon turn a new page
23:19In the next chapter of our lives
23:21Which was a book
23:22In so many words
23:23Oh, Claire
23:36Why must life be so hectic for us?
23:39There never seems to be enough hours in a day
23:41Oh, fiddles, fudge and French cheese
23:46Claire, why the profanity?
23:48Well, now I've gone and put too much milk in my tea
23:51I need a man
23:54Miranda, I'm already 17 years old
23:57And I fear that I shall never have a love to call my own
23:59Someone to tighten my corset and apply my talc
24:04But, sister, I do do that for you
24:06Yes, but it's not the same
24:08I mean, your hands are often chilly
24:10And I...
24:11Oh, dear
24:11Now I've gone and offended you
24:13It's quite a lot, my dear
24:16Oh, now I've gone and dropped a stitch
24:20Oh, I too need a man
24:22Sister
24:23I'm very sorry to disturb your 11.30 faint mumps
24:32But a letter has arrived
24:34Oh
24:36It seems as though one of father's friends was in an unfortunate accident
24:43And will be staying with us until he recuperates
24:45We are to extend to him every courtesy
24:47And make sure that he is as comfortable as possible
24:49He arrives this afternoon
24:51Imagine that
24:53A man
24:54Ladies, may I present Mr. Lawrence Flynn
25:09I take it your 4.30 faint is off, mums?
25:25Dear diary, Mr. Flint has arrived today
25:28What a sight he was, dear diary
25:30The most dashing, handsome visage I'd ever laid eyes upon
25:34Poor thing
25:35They said he was injured whilst on a beaver hunt
25:37It must have been an awfully large beaver
25:40Thank you, Jives
25:48Poor man, you must be famished
25:52This is you
25:54Oh, Marenda, he thinks you're a pastry
25:59Oh, how clever
26:00What am I, Larry, what am I?
26:03You're a real nice piece of pie
26:04Pie
26:04Oh, my piece of pie, imagine that
26:07Yeah, imagine that
26:08I see you have a sweet tooth, Larry
26:10You should see my tongue
26:12Larry, if I were a piece of pie, what would I be filled with?
26:15Me
26:16Oh
26:16You find him rather boorish and crude
26:20Oh, well, I find him even more boorish and crude
26:24Terribly boorish
26:25And vulgar
26:26Horrible
26:27Disgusting
26:28Quite an animal
26:29Larry?
26:33Oh
26:34Tea, mums
26:35No, thank you
26:36None for me
26:37Claire, whatever are you hiding behind your back?
26:42Um, well, Larry's hands must be cold because he said he needed my muff
26:47I see
26:47He must have needed something to put it in because he said he wanted to see my box
26:52Oh
26:52Did he ask for anything else?
26:55Just this
26:56Poor thing, he says he can't get enough of these
27:00Ladies, it's all perfect
27:02Dear darling
27:07I feel my sole reason on earth is to make Mr. Larry Flint happy
27:11However, it seems he wants something from us
27:15But I'm not quite certain what it is
27:17I want you to grab my mallet and knock some balls around until they roll through your wickets
27:24I want to run my fingers up and down your keyboard until you scream for a second movement
27:31I want to tap this shuttlecock back and forth so many times it loses its tail
27:36Get it?
27:41Huh?
27:45Huh?
27:47Ah, forget it
27:48Put me down, child
27:49You're never gonna get us
27:54I'm out of here
27:56Poo
27:56Oh, Paul
27:57Larry, I love you!
27:59Oh, but
28:00No, you, you told me
28:01I, oh
28:02If you love him as much as I love him, then neither of us shall have him
28:06Well, I see no other way
28:08Girls, girls
28:09Don't roll up your carpets yet
28:12You both can have me
28:13Oh, you're always so cryptic
28:15Whatever do you mean?
28:16I don't mean to intrude, but
28:18I believe the French have an expression for what Mr. Flint is trying to say
28:23Oh
28:27Uh, oh
28:29So this is called a menage a trois?
28:35Stop talking, the brine will fall out of your mouth
28:37I never knew I could bend like this
28:40Pass me that jar of marmalade chives
28:43Yes, sir
28:44Dear Penthouse Forum
28:45We never thought it would happen to us
28:48TNA
28:49Hustle down to the theatre and sleep
28:52Spice Girls audition, Old Spice, take one
28:59I'll tell you what I really, really want
29:09I want to look 65 again
29:11Like I did when I was 30
29:13I want to start with Bob Hope in another road movie
29:17The Road to Cedar Sinai
29:18But seriously, I want to be a Spice Girl
29:23Because I hear spice is used as a preservative
29:26At least that's what the Egyptians used when they mummified me
29:32I'd make a perfect Spice Girl
29:35My husband Fang says I'm just like Old Spice
29:38He hasn't put me on in years
29:40Next
29:42Spice Girls auditions, Sideshow Spice, take one
29:47Is my hair look alright?
29:54Next
29:55Nicole, this is the psychic hotline
29:59You can see a bright future
30:00Just be careful of Phil Lamar
30:03Don't work with him
30:04Get off MADtv
30:05Get off MADtv, no!
30:09You are now watching MADtv
30:12MAD!
30:16Ms. Rogers, Ms. Carmody, Mr. Winters and Ms. Samperton
30:19After extensive market research testing
30:22And demographic surveys and pupil response metering
30:26We think that we have found the ideal image and name
30:29For Reinhauser's newest microbrew
30:32I give you Mother Teresa Beer
30:42Mother Teresa?
30:44Yes, that's right, that's who she is
30:46Are you sure this research is correct?
30:48Mr. Winters, based on the galvanic skin response
30:51Of over 5,000 Phi Kappa chapter members
30:53Every time we tested them
30:54We got the same result
30:56I'm sorry that this can't possibly be right
30:59Oh, but Mother Teresa is the perfect icon
31:01For the college age and young professional beer drinker
31:04She had her own agenda
31:05She lived by her own rules
31:07And she was tough, but compassionate
31:09And a nun
31:10Exactly
31:11And as Mother Teresa used to say
31:14It's okay to be a rebel
31:16And what better message
31:17To give to those starter beer drinkers
31:20Between 12 and 17
31:21Mother Teresa said
31:24It's okay to be a rebel
31:25You wake up in the morning, okay?
31:29You're hungover
31:29You got cotton mouth
31:31You go straight into the fridge
31:33You open the door
31:33Do you want to see a big, black, angry bull?
31:37Would you rather see the kind, compassionate face
31:40Of Mother Teresa
31:41Made from virgin hops
31:44Uh-huh, uh-huh
31:45Mother Teresa
31:46Yeah
31:47The mother superior
31:48Of all beers
31:49Oh, what?
31:50It's not just a beer
31:52What is it?
31:53It's a miracle
31:54Oh
31:55I mean, I gotta say that I like that, Mr. Winters
32:00I don't know
32:01I'm still kind of on the fence about this
32:02Wait a minute, wait a minute
32:02What do you mean on the fence?
32:04We're talking about putting the image of a future saint on a beer bottle
32:08And quite frankly, as a Catholic, this offends me
32:11Well, I'm a Catholic, too
32:13I mean, not the church-going, practicing type, whatever
32:16But, you know, I'm not offended by it
32:19And our research shows that 100% of alcoholics are Catholics
32:23Oh, come on
32:24That is perfect
32:25No, that's not perfect
32:26That is insane
32:28Hey, argue with me, but not with the numbers
32:31Our report says that all problem drinkers come from Catholic families
32:34What Catholic would even think about buying another brand of beer
32:39When they go to the store, look on the shelves
32:41And there she is, smiling at them
32:43Whispering, buy Mother Teresa beer
32:47It's a beer like none other
32:52I just came up with that
32:57That's great
32:57She saved lives, and now she's selling beer
33:00Hold on a second, hold on a second
33:02What about beer drinkers of other faiths?
33:03Will we be able to reach them?
33:04Mr. Winters, that's the beauty of Mother Teresa beer
33:07She tested well with drinkers of all faiths
33:09I gotta tell you, even Muslims
33:11You know, you gotta like that
33:12But there's still something missing
33:14And I don't know how to put my finger on it
33:16But it, shh
33:16I got it
33:17Is there room on the label for some sad, starving kids?
33:19Kids!
33:20Here, here, here
33:21Will you people listen to yourselves?
33:24I'm listening
33:25You know what?
33:26I'm sorry, but I can't be a part of any of this
33:28Because you people are really very, very sick
33:31Oh, we're sick, huh?
33:32Yes
33:32We're sick
33:33That's what I said
33:34This woman dedicated her life
33:36To helping the sick, the homeless, the poor
33:39No need to memorialize her
33:41Well, maybe I just don't think that way
33:43Hey, maybe we care about people a little more
33:46There you are
33:46Poor, poor, beautiful man
33:50Oh, what a pile of crap
33:54By the way, we've already pre-sold
33:58$100 million of Mother Teresa internationally
34:01You know what?
34:04I think we can put a kid right there on the label
34:06Yes
34:06And one letter
34:07Yes
34:07We can also get maybe a leper on there
34:10It doesn't have to be the whole leper
34:11Just a joke
34:14Okay, perfect
34:15Moving on to our tobacco products
34:16Absolutely, sir
34:18John Denver 100
34:20With a Rocky Mountain high
34:24Coming soon
34:35From 20th Century Fox
34:37Sandino McGriff and the Irishman are in the next room
34:40And as soon as those clowns make their move
34:42Those suckers are going down
34:43Oh, you ain't got to tell me
34:44I got ten bullets in this gun
34:46Every damn one of them aim for Sandino's ass
34:48What are you talking about?
34:49Academy Award nominated actress
34:51Rosie Perez
34:52And professional funny man
34:54Chris Tucker are
34:55Staked out
34:56I'm going ink
34:58Damn, woman
34:59What's wrong with you?
35:00You want to blow this whole case?
35:01No, I'm going to blow
35:02Only this
35:03Sound like somebody thinking
35:03That's way too personal
35:04Look, those two scum that kill two cops
35:06You better take it personal
35:08What?
35:08Like I don't take it personal?
35:09William Couch is my brother
35:10Oh, you think I've read nothing to him?
35:11These two are living proof
35:13That you don't need a deep masculine voice
35:15To be a good cop
35:16That's how to get the narcotics into the country
35:18They use Macmillan oil plane
35:20Floor into Miami
35:20Then load her into the Irishman's golf cart
35:22Then why did they try to kill the president?
35:24Because the president is the middle man
35:26Is that why the first lady is so jumpy?
35:27Yeah, you'd be jumpy too
35:28If you were sampling that merchandise
35:30Wait a minute
35:30Are you trying to call me
35:31That the first lady is so jumpy?
35:33I ain't saying nothing
35:33All I'm saying is
35:34Look at her arm
35:35Will she take a top off?
35:36It's like listening to someone
35:37Drag their fingernails across a chalkboard
35:39Only it lasts two whole hours
35:41Shut up
35:42You want to trip out
35:43Get me, get me, get me
35:44Shut up
35:45You don't know where this
35:45Don't tell me what to do
35:46Shut up, I told you
35:48You've got some complaints about two people
35:50With like funny voices
35:52Shut up, I'm kidding, you
35:52What is the matter with two?
35:54You trying to blow our cover?
35:55Yeah, man
35:56We are police officers, man
35:57Police officers
35:58Pissed our lives on a daily basis
35:59Every single day
36:00You know what I'm saying?
36:01You got the nerve to complain about some noise
36:03Yes, but I just
36:04Oh, no, no, no, no, Box
36:05Do you see this?
36:06Yeah
36:06Take a closer look
36:07You punch like a girl
36:11That is so stupid of you
36:13What the hell are you talking about?
36:13You just jealous
36:14Because you didn't think of it
36:15Hey
36:15We're trying to deal
36:17Narcotics over here
36:18Oh, yo, yo, yo
36:19You want some of these?
36:21Come on, bring it on
36:22You want some of these?
36:22I'm ready to be a fool
36:23You're supposed to be a fool
36:24Hard cops doing a hard job
36:26Just don't ask them
36:27To sneak up on anybody
36:29I hate your girls
36:31Why did you let me get shot like this?
36:33Why did I let you get shot?
36:35Man, why'd you let me get shot, huh?
36:37What are you talking about?
36:38You were the one with the gun
36:39Oh, oh, now it's my fault
36:40Rosie Perez and Chris Tucker are staked out
36:43They're loud, they're proud
36:45And they'll be in theaters on
36:46Oh, hell
36:47You'll hear them coming
36:49You are now watching Mad TV
36:56And now
37:00The moment you've all been waiting for
37:03The Mad TV contest winner's sketch
37:10Boy, I gotta tell you
37:12When I think of myself
37:14Professional figure skating champion
37:15Scott Hamilton
37:16Living here in Hollywood
37:18And sharing an apartment with you
37:19Joan Rivers
37:20I almost have to pinch myself
37:22To see if I'm dreaming
37:23Can we talk?
37:26You're driving me mechuganah
37:28With all your pinching yourself
37:29Yeah, at least I'm better
37:31Than our other roommate
37:32Who thinks he's Hank Hill
37:33From the popular Fox series
37:34King of the Hill
37:34Hey, you guys
37:36You'll be happy to hear
37:37I sold 400 liters of propane today
37:39And accessories
37:40That's great
37:42Except for the fact
37:43You're a school teacher
37:44I am not
37:45I'm Hank Hill
37:46I sell propane
37:47You're Hank Hill
37:48Then why aren't you living
37:49With your family in Texas?
37:50Man, all I have is my dreams
37:52And you people
37:53Just keep tearing them down
37:54Oh my goodness
38:05Clint Eastwood
38:06You see a lucky punk?
38:09I think you're here
38:10For my roommate Joan Rivers
38:11Go on in sir Eastwood
38:12Are you nuts?
38:15I'm not going out
38:16With Clint Eastwood
38:17While he's dressed like that
38:18On the way over here
38:20Some scumbags
38:21Jumped out of the alley
38:22Stole on my clothes
38:23Luckily I found this bikini
38:25Lucky for you
38:26Not so lucky for me
38:28Come on
38:29Make my day
38:29That's a pretty flimsy story
38:32Clint Eastwood
38:33Do you mind if we run it
38:34By our other roommates
38:34Flapsy and Dapsy
38:36The Truth Telling Robots
38:37No
38:37Go ahead
38:38Flapsy
38:38Dapsy
38:39We are Flapsy and Dapsy
38:46The Truth Telling Robots
38:47We see the truth
38:48And we tell the truth
38:49We love Scott Hamilton
38:51Yeah, but is Clint Eastwood
38:53Telling the truth
38:54About how he got the bikini?
38:55We are Flapsy and Dapsy
38:57The Truth Telling Robots
38:59We see the truth
39:00We see the truth
39:00And we tell the truth
39:01Clint Eastwood
39:02Is telling the truth
39:03There
39:04Now can we go?
39:05Okay
39:06Oh great
39:10It's our home-mate
39:11Betty for across the hall
39:12Who has to drink
39:13A whole bottle
39:13Of a popular sports drink
39:14After every word he says
39:16Hi
39:17Guys
39:25I
39:33Say
39:42Flapsy and Dapsy
39:43Did you mean what you said earlier
39:45About being in love with me
39:46Scott Hamilton?
39:47We love you
39:48Will you marry me?
39:55No
39:56You are
40:11You are
40:11You are
40:11You are
40:12You are
40:16You are
40:17You are
40:18You are
40:19You are
40:20You are
40:21You are
40:22You are
40:23You are
40:24You are
40:25You are
40:26You are
40:27You are
40:28You are
40:29You are
40:30You are
40:31You are
40:32You are
40:33Okay
40:33I just want to say thank you
40:34To all of you here in the audience
40:36And thank you especially
40:37To our fabulous contest winners
40:39Huh?
40:39Woo
40:40Thank you
40:41Great job
40:42Great job
40:43We'll see you all next week
40:45But our contest winners won't
40:47Because they're going to go back home to their lives
40:49Like in Iowa
40:49And Vermont
40:51And
40:52You know
40:53But they got a car
40:55And they got a
40:56And they got a
40:57And then they did have a car
41:00Some of them
41:02Some of them
41:03Oh
41:04What's up?
41:05Oh
41:12Oh
41:14Oh
41:22Whoa
41:22Thank you, ma'am.
41:40I'm on to be a spice girl, you see.
41:43Does my hair look all right?
Recommended
41:46
|
Up next
42:08
42:08
42:55
42:57
42:08
41:46
41:47
41:47
42:28
42:56
41:47
41:46
41:45
41:47
41:49
41:49
41:47
41:50
42:42
41:47
41:56
41:45
41:45
41:45
Be the first to comment