- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 1
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01On the next MADtv, the king of pop is the king of cop.
00:05A group of terrorists have taken a hostage.
00:07Who?
00:09Pupples.
00:10The top dog of rap is now an old dog.
00:13Throw your hands way up in the air if you're collecting Medicare.
00:17Then Christina Applegate goes mad and ends up on Schizophrenic Jeopardy.
00:22Conjunction, Junction, what's your function?
00:25Next on MADtv.
00:27You are now watching MADtv.
00:31Okay, here comes, I got her in my sights here, Chief.
00:33I got her in my sights.
00:34Since she's loaded down, we got one, two, three, and...
00:36On the low, baby, here we go.
00:39You are now watching MAD.
00:43You are now watching MAD.
00:48Alright, listen, I need votes.
00:51Apparently quitting the Senate and rollerblading naked with RuPaul wasn't enough to secure the slacky vote.
00:57But that's okay, that's alright.
00:59Because I'm willing to go the distance to build your confidence in me.
01:04So now when you vote for Bob Dole, you not only get the crisp one dollar bill, the Bob Dole keep cold beer muff, the presidential pardon, and the free electro plate eagle pendant.
01:15Now you also get Bob Dole strong arm.
01:19The Bob Dole strong arm.
01:21All the uses of a regular arm and more.
01:23It's like having three arms.
01:25With the Bob Dole strong arm, you can...
01:28Hold a pencil.
01:29Hold a pen.
01:30Hold a fancy pen.
01:32Open a jar.
01:33Open a bottle.
01:35Dust in those hard to reach places.
01:38Lead a chair.
01:39Conduct a symphony.
01:41Have a soft drink.
01:43Have a beer.
01:44Have a mixed drink.
01:46Have a fancy drink.
01:48Take your temperature.
01:50Take your dog's temperature.
01:51Make cotton candy.
01:54Smoke a harmless cigarette.
01:56Meet a neighbor.
01:58Meet a fancy neighbor.
02:00Tennis anyone?
02:02I don't even know what that is.
02:04Gimme five.
02:06Call out bingo numbers.
02:08Bust a nut.
02:10What's that on your shirt?
02:12Gotcha.
02:14Play the piano.
02:15Play the guitar.
02:16Play the bongo.
02:18Pull my finger.
02:19Well, you asked for it.
02:22That's a spicy meatball.
02:25Huh?
02:26What?
02:27Ta-da.
02:29Go fish.
02:30Go fish.
02:32Ta-da.
02:34Boat.
02:36See?
02:37I'm pretty handy to have around.
02:39Handy.
02:40Get it?
02:42Well, you're better.
02:43Bob Dole strong arm.
02:44If it's good enough for Bob Dole,
02:45it's good enough for America.
02:47To order Bob Dole's strong arm,
02:48cast your vote for you-know-who on November 5th.
02:52Offer void for illegal immigrants.
02:53Arm yourself, America!
02:54Paid full by the community like Bob Dole.
02:56Not problem.
02:58You're not problem.
03:03Hey!
03:04Come on.
03:05Yeah!
03:06Here, here, here.
03:07Come on, come on!
03:08Hey!
03:09Up!
03:10Come on, here, here.
03:11Yeah!
03:12Come on, come on!
03:14Hey!
03:16You're so...
03:18...crazy!
03:19You're so crazy
03:20You're so crazy
03:38You brought me gone
03:41You are now watching Mad TV
03:50Ladies and gentlemen, they're back, the cast of Mad TV.
04:01Hey, everybody. It is great to be back.
04:04And tonight we are lucky to have a very special guest with us.
04:07Please put your hands together for the wonderful Miss Christina Applegate.
04:21Hi, everybody.
04:23Welcome to Mad TV's second season.
04:26Now, a lot of you may know me from a little show called Married with Children.
04:29Oh, yeah.
04:33However, strange as it may seem of Kelly Bundy,
04:37I have been typecast as an airhead.
04:45Now, that is just not true.
04:48I am actually very well educated,
04:51and tonight I would like to talk to you about my passion,
04:54the origin and the fate of the universe.
04:58Now, on its own,
05:00Einstein's general theory of relativity,
05:02you know, E equals MC squared,
05:06predicted that space-time began at the Big Bang singularity.
05:10Now, that is defined
05:12as a point in space-time
05:15at which the space-time curvature
05:17becomes infinite
05:19and would come to an end
05:20either at the Big Crunch singularity
05:23or at a singularity
05:24occurring inside of you.
05:27A region of space-time
05:29from which nothing can escape,
05:31not even light,
05:32because gravity, of course,
05:34is the stronger force.
05:36Now, one can calculate
05:37that in the hot Big Bang model,
05:40about a quarter
05:41of the protons and neutrons
05:43would have been converted
05:44into helium nuclei
05:46along with a small amount
05:48of heavy hydrogen
05:50and other elements.
05:51So, in conclusion,
05:53the remaining neutrons
05:54would have decayed into protons,
05:57which are the nuclei
05:58of ordinary hydrogen atoms.
06:02Thank you, Matt TV,
06:03for taking me seriously.
06:05Enjoy the show, everybody.
06:06Thank you, Matt TV.
06:36This is X News,
06:38and I am Amy.
06:39Am I Marsh?
06:41Apparently so.
06:43Well, the flag has dropped,
06:45and the race for the White House
06:46is on.
06:47And once again,
06:48your choices are limited to
06:50rich, white, corrupt men.
06:54Contestant number one.
06:57Contestant number two.
07:00Contestant number three.
07:03Exclusive.
07:05Amy?
07:05In other news,
07:06in their recent decision
07:07to classify nicotine
07:09as an addictive substance,
07:10the FDA has...
07:11Wait a minute.
07:12Nicotine is addictive?
07:14Huh.
07:15That's news.
07:16Here's some more news.
07:18Hootie and the Blowfish
07:19are mediocre.
07:20Wait, wait.
07:20Even more news.
07:22Mice are smaller than people.
07:23Okay.
07:24Hi, Marsh.
07:25Maybe back to the news.
07:27Republicans are criticizing
07:29the raising of the minimum wage
07:30as partisan election year politics.
07:33However...
07:33Most of the criticism
07:34sounded something like this.
07:36Blah, blah, blah.
07:37I'm so rich.
07:38Blah, blah, blah.
07:38Chew my ass.
07:39Blah, blah, blah.
07:40Marsh!
07:41You know nothing about
07:43the wealthy man's burden.
07:45Uh, since when did you become
07:46a mouthpiece for the rich?
07:48Marsh, you do not understand.
07:49I mean, the rich have to
07:51pay really high taxes.
07:53They have to mow
07:54those really big lawns.
07:56They have to wash
07:58those long cars.
08:00And they have to put fences
08:02up around their houses
08:03so that nobody takes
08:04their cool stuff.
08:09Huh?
08:11All I'm saying, Marsh,
08:13is that they work hard.
08:14And if I work hard,
08:15there is nothing wrong
08:15with me being paid for it.
08:17Whoa, whoa, whoa.
08:17Who's being paid for it?
08:21Meanwhile, on the campaign trail...
08:22Excuse me.
08:23Meanwhile, on the...
08:23Excuse me.
08:23Excuse me.
08:24Excuse me.
08:25Excuse me.
08:25Excuse me.
08:26You got a raise, didn't you?
08:29Meanwhile, on the campaign trail...
08:30How much, Amy?
08:31How much for your soul?
08:33On the campaign trail...
08:35Oh, you are a sellout.
08:36I am not a sellout.
08:37I'm a responsible journalist.
08:38You're a sellout!
08:39That's the X News.
08:40I'm Amy.
08:41The sellout.
08:41Child.
08:42The sellout.
08:42The sellout.
08:47Hello, and welcome
08:58to Schizophrenic Jeopardy!
09:03Tonight's challenge is
09:04from the locked ward
09:05at Atascadero State Hospital,
09:07Freda Bowen.
09:09From the basement
09:10of his mom's house,
09:12Stu Carruthers.
09:13And our returning champion
09:16from the Oak Tree Halfway House,
09:17Miranda Dellum.
09:20And now, our host,
09:22Alex Tribeca.
09:25Thank you, Johnny Gilbert,
09:26ladies and gentlemen.
09:27Hi, and welcome to the show.
09:32Our categories tonight are
09:33Voices in My Head,
09:35Medication Time,
09:36Our Animal Friends,
09:38You're All Against Me,
09:39and The Apocalypse.
09:40Miranda, our returning champion,
09:42pick a category.
09:42Oh, that would fit nicely
09:44into your little plan,
09:45now, wouldn't it, Alex?
09:47Yes, it would.
09:48Okay.
09:50The Apocalypse for 100.
09:53This causes it.
09:55What is the cancellation of friends?
09:57Correct.
09:57Go again.
10:00Our Animal Friends for 200, Alex.
10:02These rodents are chewing their way
10:04through your stomach lining.
10:06Squirrels!
10:07That must be put in the form of a...
10:09What are squirrels?
10:10What are squirrels?
10:11What are squirrels?
10:12What are squirrels?
10:14Okay, okay.
10:15Let's take this time out
10:16to meet our calmer contestants.
10:18Stu, how's your mother doing?
10:19Oh, mother's fine.
10:21Her and I worship together.
10:22I'm always there for her,
10:23washing her,
10:24lathering her withered flesh,
10:25keeping flies off of her.
10:28And Miranda,
10:29our returning champion.
10:33You're staring at me, Alex.
10:34But you can't get in.
10:38I have my force field up, see?
10:42Conjunction, junction,
10:43what's your function, Alex?
10:47I'm the host, Miranda.
10:49Frida, are we ready to play?
10:51Frida isn't here anymore, Alex.
10:53This is Julie.
10:55Glad you could join us, Julie.
10:56Pick a category.
10:57Sorry.
11:00Voices in my head for 200.
11:03When you line your watch cap with it,
11:05it keeps the spaceman
11:06from controlling your brain.
11:08What is tinfoil?
11:09Correct.
11:10Go again.
11:12Voices in my head for 300.
11:17And it's an audio daily double.
11:20Miranda, how much do you wish to bet?
11:21The robot king says 100.
11:24Okay, listen to these sounds
11:26recorded in your bedroom last night.
11:28We're lighting your chacuzzi, Miranda.
11:31Oh, my God.
11:32Break it through the shale.
11:34Break it through the...
11:35Stop, make it stop, please.
11:37Stop, make it stop.
11:39Judges?
11:40Oh, I'm sorry.
11:42The answer was
11:42President William Howard Taft.
11:46William Howard Taft.
11:47Pick again.
11:48Voices in my head for 200, Alex.
11:51And could you please
11:52stop sending me
11:53your filthy thoughts?
11:56Lately, they've been
11:57plotting to kill you.
11:59Julie?
12:01Frida?
12:03Jamal?
12:05The artist formerly known
12:06as Sting?
12:08Okay, anybody.
12:10Lately, they've been
12:10plotting to kill you.
12:11Anybody?
12:11Who are Willie Tyler
12:13and Lester?
12:13That's correct, Stu.
12:14You have control of the board.
12:16You hear that, mother?
12:17God has chosen me
12:18to control this board.
12:19So things are going to be
12:20different around here,
12:22old woman!
12:24I miss you, Daddy!
12:26Well, that means it's time
12:27for final Schizophrenic Jeopardy.
12:29Tonight's category is...
12:30I smell gas.
12:32They're pumping in gas
12:33and it's not the good kind.
12:35Shut up!
12:35You want to kill us all?
12:37It's time for final
12:39Schizophrenic Jeopardy.
12:40I want to buy a vowel!
12:41You can't buy a vowel, Stu.
12:42I want to buy a vowel!
12:43Stu, you can't buy a vowel.
12:45Please!
12:45Show Anne Wally to block!
12:49I can't see you, Daddy!
12:51Well, that's all the time
12:52we have for Schizophrenic Jeopardy.
12:53Show Anne Wally to block!
12:54Join us tomorrow.
12:55And remember,
12:56I'll know if you're not watching.
12:58Show Anne Wally.
12:58The whammies!
13:00Things that hang low!
13:01Things that hang low!
13:03The WB is proud to present
13:29the most offensive show
13:31in the history of television.
13:33Mama, could you come down here
13:35and help me clean this house?
13:36It's a mess!
13:42Don't be dissing
13:43my housekeeping skills.
13:45You could eat tuna and cheese
13:46off the toilet rent.
13:48Say, that ain't a bad idea, dang.
13:50Mama, will you stop joking?
13:51Tyrone is going to be here any minute.
13:53Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone.
13:54That's all I hear about is Tyrone.
13:56Tyrone, captain of the basketball team.
13:58Tyrone, big man on campus.
13:59Tyrone with the fresh cut.
14:01Seems to me Tyrone needs
14:02a woman of experience.
14:04A woman of refinement and taste.
14:05Looks like you've been doing
14:06a little too much tasting.
14:09Don't be talking none
14:10about my queen-size demonstrations.
14:12You know, since your father
14:13stopped knocking my boots,
14:14I gotta put something in my mouth.
14:16Oh, Mama, that's him.
14:18Look, before I get the door,
14:20there's something I got to tell you
14:21about Tyrone.
14:22Oh, she quiet as long
14:23as he's making you happy.
14:24Besides, I heard enough
14:24about him already.
14:26I mean, it ain't like
14:26he's a crackhead.
14:30He's a cracker!
14:32A one-man product
14:34A snuck in his face
14:36Then you get a woman
14:37of a mother's race
14:39A chance of living
14:40was so damn
14:42Till her soul
14:44entered him
14:46You can travel
14:47across the sea
14:48From what?
14:49To Yokohama
14:50But there's nothing
14:51in the world
14:51that compares
14:52to my white mother
14:54Oh, yeah
14:56Don't make me
14:59break my foot off
15:00in your ass!
15:06Mmm, it's so smooth.
15:08I shaved for you,
15:09little bunny.
15:09You went and shaved
15:10the black off
15:11is what you did.
15:12Where are my menthols?
15:13I need my menthols!
15:14Mama, stop it!
15:15Be nice!
15:15Say hi to Tyrone!
15:16What kind of a name
15:17for a white boy
15:18is Tyrone, anyway?
15:19It's a deception!
15:20It's a deception
15:20leading to a half-reconception!
15:23Oh, Mrs. Curtis,
15:24it's nice to finally meet you.
15:25I've heard so much about you.
15:26Yeah, I've heard a lot
15:27about you, too,
15:27except for one important detail.
15:29Shaquan, did you know
15:30this boy was white?
15:31Is he one of them
15:31freaky Asian albinos
15:32I seen on the X-Files?
15:33Mama, Tyrone happens
15:36to be a decent young man!
15:37And a honky!
15:40Have you taken a look
15:41at yourself in the mirror lately?
15:46Hmm, that dark and lovely
15:47really works.
15:49Makes me want to kiss myself!
15:51Hot damn!
15:53The skirt is not about color.
15:55The heart has no eyes.
15:57Why don't you shut up, Casper?
15:58Mama!
15:59Will you put in bed...
16:00Oh, thank the Lord!
16:01I hope that's the minister
16:02Farrakhan here
16:03to aerobicize the demon seed
16:05from my sell-out daughter!
16:07Shaquan, your mom
16:08is just like my dad.
16:11What are you doing here?
16:12I came here to see
16:13if I could talk
16:14some sense into you.
16:15No son of mine
16:16is gonna date a...
16:17negris.
16:20Don't make me
16:21break my foot off
16:22in your ass!
16:26I broke my foot off
16:27in a bigot's ass once.
16:29Right now,
16:29there's a white man
16:30out there walking around
16:31with five toes of black
16:32peeking out his crack.
16:33Come on, son.
16:36Let's go home.
16:37We've got tuna and cheese
16:38on the table.
16:38And I hope you remembered
16:39my menthols.
16:40I sure do love menthols.
16:41Wait a minute!
16:42Tuna and cheese?
16:43Menthols?
16:43Did you say you like
16:44tuna and cheese
16:45and menthols?
16:46Why, yes.
16:47More than anything.
16:48Me too!
16:50Huh.
16:51Son, I think
16:51maybe I've made
16:53a big mistake here.
16:54I guess underneath
16:55this fragile shell
16:57we call skin,
16:58we're all
16:58just the same.
17:00I feel the same way.
17:03Ebony and I
17:04are living together
17:04in perfect harmony.
17:08So you mean
17:08it's okay for me
17:09and Tyrone to go out?
17:11Sure, as long as
17:11we come along
17:12for some chaperonations.
17:13Mama, Tyrone and I
17:14want to be alone
17:15so we can do
17:16the nasty.
17:18Don't make me
17:19break my foot off
17:20in your ass!
17:22We will commit
17:23all available funds
17:24to have your entire
17:25network wiped
17:26out of existence.
17:27The NAACP.
17:29I'm ashamed to be
17:30part of the
17:30television industry.
17:32Bill Cosby.
17:33Our work here
17:34is done
17:35with Ku Klux Klan.
17:37That's my wife
17:38Mama
17:38on the WB.
17:46When the city
17:47belongs to criminals
17:48and the cops
17:49are on the run
17:50there's only
17:51one man to call.
17:53But sir,
17:53he's a loose cannon
17:54you don't understand.
17:57Right away
17:58Mr. President
17:58if that's what
17:59you want.
17:59Yep.
18:02Get me Jackson.
18:07Hello?
18:08Jackson.
18:09It's for you.
18:13Jackson.
18:14This better be good.
18:16Michael Jackson
18:17is
18:17Action Jackson.
18:19Listen up, Jackson.
18:21A group of terrorists
18:22have stolen
18:22a huge stockpile
18:23of nuclear warheads
18:24from a Utah
18:25military base.
18:26They've got them
18:27aimed at all
18:27the major cities
18:28in America.
18:29The lives of millions
18:30hang in the balance.
18:31Will,
18:32why don't you call
18:32one of your cops
18:33who's not on suspension?
18:34Don't bust my up,
18:36Jackson.
18:36You know,
18:37I wouldn't even
18:37be calling you
18:38if you weren't
18:38such a
18:39darn good cop.
18:43Well,
18:43sorry, Cap.
18:44I got bitter things
18:45to do.
18:45Marco!
18:46Polo!
18:47Well,
18:47maybe this will
18:48change your mind.
18:49They've taken a hostage.
18:50who?
18:55Bubbles.
18:59This time
19:00is personal.
19:09Don't break
19:09the pinata
19:10without me.
19:16Watch Michael
19:17as you've never
19:18seen him before.
19:20Bubbles.
19:26Yo, G.
19:28Who is this
19:29extremely fine
19:30white chick?
19:31White chick?
19:32Don't make me
19:33go upside your head.
19:34You better knuckle up
19:35and protect your grill,
19:36homie,
19:36because I got
19:37the stupid skills.
19:38Nobody disses me.
19:39We're going
19:39toe-to-toe back.
19:42Go upside
19:43my head?
19:45Go
19:45upside
19:47up.
19:48Yo, G.
19:49Let's break
19:50him off
19:50so I'm
19:50proper-like.
19:52Stop right
19:53there,
19:53you punks.
19:54Liz!
19:55Also starring
19:56Liz Taylor
19:57as his
19:58ever-fateful
19:58sidekick
19:59White Diamond.
20:00I'll take
20:00care of
20:01these guys,
20:01Michael.
20:02You go
20:02find Bubbles.
20:04Who's bad?
20:05Who's bad?
20:05Bubbles?
20:23Bubbles?
20:26Bubbles?
20:27Looking for me,
20:28Michael?
20:30Latoya,
20:31why would
20:32you do
20:32these horrible
20:33things?
20:34It's insane.
20:35You're crazy.
20:37Do you know
20:37what it's like
20:38to be the only
20:39Jackson who
20:39can't do
20:40anything?
20:41No.
20:43All right,
20:43Michael,
20:44give it up
20:44or the chip
20:45gets it.
20:47What have
20:47you done
20:48with Bubbles?
20:48Jimbo!
21:01Children of
21:02the world,
21:02if you believe
21:03in me,
21:04clap your
21:04hands.
21:05Everyone out
21:06there,
21:07put your
21:07hands together.
21:14Thanks,
21:14kids.
21:15You
21:15understand
21:16me.
21:18I'm
21:25sending you
21:26to Neverland.
21:38Say hello
21:38to Tito for me.
21:42Oh, Liz,
21:43I hate
21:44violence.
21:45I'm a lover,
21:46not a fighter.
21:46but wherever
21:48there's crime
21:48out there
21:49that directly
21:50affects me,
21:51you'll find
21:52Action Jackson.
21:58Stallone.
22:00Schwarzenegger.
22:02Van Damme.
22:04Wimps.
22:09Who's bad?
22:10This fall,
22:10the king of pop
22:11is the king of cop.
22:13Action Jackson.
22:14Coming up on
22:19Mad TV.
22:26Throw your hands
22:27way up in the air
22:28if you're collecting
22:30Medicare, yeah.
22:31You just peed
22:32in our kitchen.
22:33What?
22:34You just went
22:35into our kitchen
22:36and peed.
22:37And thank you
22:58for tuning in
22:59to X News.
23:00I am Amy,
23:01and I'm obviously
23:02the only one
23:03responsible enough
23:04to show up
23:04to work today.
23:08Our top story.
23:09To secure
23:10the gay vote,
23:11Bob Dole
23:11and Jack Kemp
23:12went to Fire Island
23:13where they found
23:14this just in.
23:18X News reporter
23:19Amy has had
23:20her salary cut.
23:22What?
23:22True.
23:24X News management,
23:25when faced
23:25with this reporter's
23:26demands for equal pay,
23:27decided to lower
23:28Amy's salary
23:29to its original level
23:30and use the excess cash
23:31to buy a new
23:32coffee machine.
23:33The coffee,
23:34by the way,
23:35is delicious.
23:37Mmm,
23:37that's a good pay cut.
23:39You son of a bitch!
23:40Ha ha ha!
23:42Language,
23:43language,
23:43Miss Potty Mouth.
23:44Let's take a look
23:45at the graph,
23:46shall we?
23:47As you can see,
23:48the disparity
23:49between incomes
23:50has been erased.
23:51And this reporter
23:53feels somehow
23:54vindicated.
23:55Back to you,
23:56Amy.
23:57Boom!
23:58Aren't you a jerk?
23:59I needed that money
24:01for my family
24:02and for charities
24:04and philanthropic
24:05tick
24:06and things
24:07and for really
24:08important things
24:09in the world.
24:13Do I smell new leather?
24:15Oh, my God.
24:16Hey,
24:17nice jacket,
24:18Fonzie.
24:19Oh, my God.
24:21I have to return this.
24:22Where's my receipt?
24:22Where's my freaking receipt?
24:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
24:24hey, hey, hey,
24:25Niblet Brain,
24:26you can't return it.
24:27Check the back.
24:28What was I thinking?
24:33That you rule.
24:36That's the news
24:37and this is
24:38one good cup of coffee.
24:39Oh, my God.
24:52What can I say
24:53about my dear friend
24:53Jimmy Burke
24:54except for to say
24:55that I will miss him
24:56and I will cherish
24:57all the great times
24:57that we spent together.
24:59You know,
25:00Jimmy loved to fish
25:00and I always look forward
25:02to going up to Lake Winnipesaukee
25:03and fishing for those
25:04elusive trout.
25:05Sometimes the only fish
25:06we caught
25:06were the ones
25:07in the supermarket
25:08but we always managed
25:09to have a great time
25:10and Jimmy loved
25:11a great time.
25:13And now,
25:14well,
25:14no one really knows
25:15what happened
25:15or how this tragedy
25:16took place.
25:18All we do know
25:18is that it happened
25:19much too soon.
25:21You know,
25:21as I look around the room
25:22I can tell
25:23that everyone here
25:24without exception
25:24loved Jimmy Burke.
25:26He surrounded himself
25:27with his friends
25:27and he would be so pleased
25:28to see all of you
25:29right here,
25:30right now.
25:31And I know
25:32that if he could
25:32he would tell you
25:33not to mourn
25:34the loss of Jimmy Burke
25:35but rather to look around
25:36and see how many people
25:37loved him
25:38and to find the joy
25:38in that.
25:40Yes,
25:40we all knew
25:41and loved Jimmy
25:41in our own way.
25:43We may never have
25:43the answers
25:44as to what happened
25:45or why he made
25:46his untimely end
25:46but we know
25:47that he is in a better place
25:49and that in a way
25:49he will always be with us.
25:51I know that I'll never forget him
25:53how he loved to laugh
25:54the priceless expression
25:55he would have on his face
25:56as he told his many stories.
25:59Those are the things
26:00that I will remember
26:01about Jimmy
26:02and those are the things
26:03I hope all of you
26:04will take with you
26:04if you leave here today.
26:06Yes,
26:07a terrible act took place
26:08and we may never
26:09have the answers
26:09where we can find peace
26:11on thought
26:12that he is finally at rest.
26:16Thanks a lot
26:17for coming out today.
26:19I know Jimmy appreciates it.
26:22We'll miss you, Jimmy.
26:24We'll miss you a lot.
26:26God bless you.
26:28God bless all of you.
26:39God bless you.
27:01God bless you.
27:01God bless you.
27:05I don't know.
27:35My esteemed colleagues, I want to thank you all for coming out here today.
27:49What I'm about to present to you is a device that is not only the culmination of my life's work,
27:54but will forever change the world we live in.
27:58Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my time machine!
28:05It's a bed.
28:07Thank you. I call it a bed.
28:09How it works is this.
28:11The subject lies down on the time machine, closes his eyes,
28:15and is then instantaneously transported into the future.
28:19I know.
28:21I know. I know. It's amazing.
28:24But it is not perfect as of yet.
28:26So far, I've had no success in getting the machine to take me more than eight or nine hours into the future.
28:31Although, I have been doing some interesting research with large dosages of alcohol,
28:35and this does seem to extend the trip somewhat,
28:38but it also has the unfortunate tendency of making the machine spin.
28:42That's a bed.
28:48The controls are simple.
28:49You simply set them for the time in the future that you want to travel,
28:53and let the machine do the rest.
28:55Any questions?
28:57I don't suppose you've had much luck getting your machine to take you into the past?
29:01So far, no.
29:02The closest I've come to that is to dress up in old clothes and pretend that it's a hundred years ago.
29:07But I think we can all agree that that's a far cry from actually traveling into the fairs.
29:12Okay. Enough questions.
29:14I think it's time for a demonstration.
29:16We will continue this at exactly two o'clock this afternoon.
29:19You people will go about your business, have some lunch, then meet me back here.
29:23I myself will use the time machine to transport myself instantly to two o'clock in the future.
29:30There is one last bit of business.
29:32I found that if a woman gets into the machine with me,
29:35there are some interesting side effects.
29:38So if any of you would like to accompany me on a little trip into the future?
29:41No? Nobody?
29:42Okay, uh, fair enough.
29:44See you all in the future, then.
29:47Okay.
29:48So now, do I want to travel on my back, my side, or my stomach this time?
30:05Ladies and gentlemen, to ring in the new year 2046, live from the Las Vegas Petite Grand Ballroom,
30:14put your hands together for the original gangster, Snoop Doggy Dogg!
30:20Throw your hands way up in the air, if y'all collecting Medicare, yeah.
30:34Do it again, if you're wearing them two pins, come on.
30:39Roll into the bathroom, open the window.
30:42Stand up, I'm bloated on gin and brooms.
30:45Stand back, get my mind on my ass and my ass on the boat.
30:50Oh, my heart.
30:52As a stand-up, I'm in pain.
30:54Blood pressures rise and feel a hardening of my veins.
30:57My left arm is shaking, I'm aching.
31:00Shouldn't have ate those chitlins and bacon.
31:02Damn!
31:03It's the pacemaker that they gave me.
31:08Yeah.
31:10Bear well, well, it's good to be up in here, you know what I'm saying?
31:15Yo, Snoop Dogg is into his house, along with what's left of the dog pound.
31:21Yeah.
31:22Yo, yo, yo, before we get this thing all like, you know, jumping off and all like that,
31:27I'd like to give a shout-out to a very special homeboy who's up in the audience giving up much love.
31:33Y'all put it together for my man, Vanilla Ice, and his lovely wife, Brandy, in the house.
31:41Yeah.
31:42Yo, Ice, ain't nothing like a little Brandy on the rocks, huh?
31:47Yeah.
31:49But really, though, there's a fly-looking crowd up in here.
31:53Even this gentleman.
31:54Yo, G, where you from?
31:56I said, where you from?
31:57Nah, I'm not clowning.
31:59I'm just clowning.
32:00You know, I ain't about to get up into no kind of altercation.
32:04Last thing I need is a seventh murder trial.
32:08Oh.
32:09But really, though, speaking of trials, that remind me of a story.
32:14Back in 1998, the Nina out, chow.
32:18I had a manslaughter charge in Detroit, right?
32:21So I come down after Ree Cross.
32:23Sit down next to my attorney, the late, great Johnny Cochran.
32:26Yeah, yeah.
32:30And I turn to him, and I say, Johnny.
32:33He goes, yeah, Snoop.
32:35I go, yo, Johnny, this jury don't look like they love the dog.
32:40And he said, yeah, Snoop, I know.
32:42But don't worry, man, because I know you're going to get off.
32:45And I said, Johnny, how you know that?
32:48And he said, because, Snoop, I got two hookers waiting in your holding cell.
32:55Oh, really, though.
32:57Yo, you know, I've been fortunate.
32:59All the judgments went my way.
33:0237 trials, not one conviction.
33:05But, you know, I'm going to have at least one more trial.
33:09And when that big judge up in the sky turned to me and said,
33:13yo, Snoop Doggy Dog, what you got to say for yourself?
33:16So, I'm going to turn to him, and I believe it's going to go a little something, something like this.
33:30Watch me now.
33:36Hose, I had me a few.
33:40But I don't love no bitch.
33:41I knocked them boots, and then I go, yeah.
33:47I've smoked a bunch of fools.
33:53Bunch of bitches I didn't even know.
33:58But good old bad, I did it all.
34:04Snoop Doggy Dog star.
34:20Yo, Snoop.
34:22Yeah, G.
34:25It's all good.
34:27You know that's right.
34:28Because God is dull.
34:31Spell backwards.
34:33Come on, y'all.
34:34Let's roll.
35:35And I am Amy, and this is the X-Nobes.
35:43Bob Dalton!
35:44I am so sick of the man!
35:47I'm sick of the doll man, and the president man, and my cheapskate boss man, and the man
35:53at the credit department at the limited man.
35:55I mean, they can just all get off my back, man.
35:58I mean, the man at the limited said, just because I wrote on the jacket, that makes
36:02it unreturnable.
36:03Oh, like, there's no one else in the world named Amy they could sell it to?
36:07Well, here's what, man.
36:09I'm returning it now, man.
36:11Um, if you're finished, ranty, one small point.
36:20The man at the limited isn't a man, she's a woman.
36:24Okay, but guess what?
36:25Still not talking to you, man!
36:27Okay, we're gonna ice Amy down.
36:30While we're doing that, let's go to our political expert, Bert.
36:33Bert?
36:34Thanks a lot, you guys.
36:36Listen, you guys, I want to talk to you about something really important, you guys.
36:39It's election time again, and you guys need your voices to be heard.
36:43So come out Friday to our big Vote or Don't barbecue rally in the park behind the library.
36:47You can hang out at our pamphlet table and read about past presidents.
36:51Come for the voter registration, but stay for the really great food.
36:56We've got cauliflower, carrot shakes, ice water, drakkers, soy pots, soy food, tangerines,
37:05and laughs.
37:06And definitely not least, cotton barley.
37:10Oh, and if you like music, I hope you brought your boogie shoes, because yours truly will be
37:15waxing the floor all night long.
37:19Hey, friend, what's up?
37:21I'm just trying to get people to vote.
37:22Okay, guess what?
37:24This is America.
37:25Nobody cares!
37:29You guys sound exactly like communists.
37:31Oh, yeah, we are total communists.
37:33Right, comrade?
37:35Duh!
37:35And I'm having a communist party, where beer is distributed according to need.
37:40So make sure we're ready, my friends.
37:42All right, that's it for the X News.
37:43Ladies, we've got to make a run, because we are out.
38:10Oh.
38:11What?
38:16You just peed in our kitchen.
38:18What?
38:20You just went into our kitchen and peed.
38:23I did not.
38:24Come on, we just watched you.
38:25What kind of jerk do you think I am?
38:28I peed in the bathroom.
38:29You got up, said you had to take a pee, and you walked into our kitchen.
38:33I did not!
38:33What kind of person would even do something like that?
38:37We are not basing this on anything other than the fact that we both just watched you do it.
38:41You saw me pee in the kitchen?
38:43Did you just pee?
38:44Yeah.
38:44Then you peed in the kitchen.
38:46This is really starting to get insulting.
38:48Okay, Vince, which of the two doors behind you is the bathroom?
38:52This one, of course.
38:53The bathroom.
38:54And which door are you now standing in front of?
38:59The kitchen.
39:00But what's I got?
39:01Look, if I was standing in front of the library, would that mean that I went and I peed in there?
39:04If you just came out of the library saying that you had peed, then yes, I would assume that you had peed in the library.
39:10Dennis, seriously, I think it demeans all of us for this conversation to go any further.
39:14Okay, okay, okay.
39:15Whoa, where are you going?
39:17To the kitchen.
39:17You have a problem with that?
39:19Why?
39:20Why what?
39:22Look, tell me what you want from the kitchen, and I'll get it for you, okay?
39:25Why won't you let her go into the kitchen?
39:26Look, it's her kitchen.
39:27She can go any time she likes.
39:34Okay, okay, you happy I peed in the kitchen?
39:41But, wait, I opened up that little window, and I peed outside, okay?
39:45You broke me.
39:46You played your little Nazi games, and you broke me, and for what?
39:49Because I opened up the little window, and I peed in the kitchen?
39:52Big, hairy, grime.
39:55He peed in the microwave.
39:57What?
39:57He peed in the microwave, and then set it on high, trying to destroy the evidence, I guess.
40:02Are you telling me that you think I peed in your microwave?
40:05I am telling you that somebody peed in our microwave, and right now, you're our prime suspect.
40:09All right, all right, okay, okay.
40:11So, somebody comes in here, they pee in your microwave, and you automatically think of me?
40:15What?
40:16Oh, I'm famous for peeing in microwaves?
40:19Can't you see what this is doing to me?
40:20You did pee in our kitchen.
40:22Out the little window.
40:23There's no little window in our kitchen.
40:26There's no little window in the kitchen?
40:27No.
40:28Okay, so the little window that I peed out of in the kitchen, now, poof, it no longer exists?
40:32There was never a little window in the kitchen.
40:35Oh, okay, so that's how it's going to be.
40:37Oh, God.
40:38There's no little window in the kitchen.
40:40What's next, Janice, huh?
40:41What, me, Vince?
40:43Hmm, I never heard of any Vince.
40:44I don't know of Vince.
40:45You won't get away with this.
40:46You know why?
40:47Because I know people, too.
40:49Powerful people who will come here, and they will find a little window in the kitchen,
40:52and then they will ram the truth down your throats.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:55Yes.
40:56Yes.
40:56Yes.
40:57Yes.
40:57Yes.
40:58Yes.
40:58Yes.
40:59Yes.
41:00Yes.
41:03Vince.
41:06Vince, you're in the closet.
41:07Oh, so now I'm in the closet.
41:10Oh.
41:10Oh, that's so nice.
41:12Oh, that's so nice.
41:13Oh, that's so nice.
41:43I hope you had a great time.
41:44I know I did.
41:45I would like to thank the cast.
41:47You're welcome.
41:48You're welcome.
41:49You're welcome.
41:53And remind you at home to keep watching Married with Children.
41:56Oh, no.
41:57Sorry.
41:58MADtv.
41:59Goodnight.
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41:46
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