- 5 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 5
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00hello hey bill it's me hey nancy is everything ready yeah mom and dad are gonna be so excited
00:11i'm gonna put you on hold and dial their number okay
00:12hello hi mom happy thanksgiving i'm sorry but we don't want any no mom it's me nancy
00:29oh hi nancy how are you fine bill's on the other end oh i'm sorry bill's not here he's in florida
00:36yeah i know mom it's me bill oh hello bill happy thanksgiving nancy was just calling for you no
00:43i'm here mom we're on a conference line it's sort of a holiday phone special nancy i'm so glad you
00:48called i was just talking with billy oh your father's in the basement i'll get him harry pick
00:54up the other line nancy's phony happy thanksgiving nancy happy thanksgiving dad happy thanksgiving
01:02dad what it's me bill william what are you doing on the line what how are you son good are you in florida
01:09yep happy thanksgiving is nancy there i'm here dad is that you nancy how are you father nancy's on the
01:16phone she's in florida with bill i've got it well then get it what hello hello hello hello is that you
01:25nancy is that you mother yes what do you want i've got the phone well finally how is florida nancy i'm
01:33not in florida i'm in toronto oh did you hear that father she's in toronto how is it there precious
01:39it's nice that's nice then how are you dad william is that you yeah how are you dad what i'm fine is
01:46that you nancy yeah how's florida i'm in toronto mom you still there yeah i'm here is that you nancy
01:52yeah how's toronto it's fine dad oh was that you mother oh yes i think that dang mouse is back what oh
02:02i thought you caught it well i caught a mouse it's obviously a new mouse are you sure you're not just
02:07seeing things dad well this must be costing you a fortune thanks for calling kids it's always nice
02:13hearing from you bye bye oh new record almost three minutes before they hung up yeah well happy
02:21thanksgiving sis same deal i'll talk to you soon okay bye bye mom mom hang up the phone mom
02:35if you can't trap the damn thing i'm gonna get someone to sing mom keep talking keep talking
02:42i can't dial out till you hang up the phone 40 bloody years we've been in this house and we still got mice
02:48mom there were droppings on the pillowcases for god's sake mom mom
03:05mom
03:09on
03:11or
03:19time
03:25yeah
03:28yeah
03:30Man, you're so crazy
03:42You draw me one
03:45Man, you're so crazy
04:00You are in for a terrific show, so sit back, kick your shoes off and get comfortable
04:11But before we get going, let's salute the unseen heroes of Mad TV, the cameraman
04:16In fact, why don't you all come out from behind the cameras and say hello to America
04:20Come on, guys
04:20Really?
04:21Oh, okay
04:22This is Mike, Bill, Tony and Mark, the Mad TV cameraman
04:26Hello
04:28This is great
04:29I've never been on TV before
04:31Hi, Mom
04:32Look, I got my nose pierced like you
04:34Thanks a lot, you guys
04:36This is great
04:38No, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, the behind the scenes heroes of Mad TV, the cameraman
04:43That's right
04:44Yeah, that's right
04:45Thank you, guys
04:46Yer soir, mon ordinateur se bloque. Je le redemarie sept fois. J'ai besoin de nouveau ordinateur.
05:07The CompuPad 755 CD of IZM is a wonderful technology.
05:17What is the date of a hard disk?
05:21It's enormous.
05:26Do you prefer an internal disk actor?
05:31No, I have a very hard disk.
05:37A normal size keyboard?
05:42Absolutely, I have a big number.
05:46In this case, the CompuPad is definitely the computer you need.
05:52If the material interests you, I'll show you the mine.
05:59The addition is good.
06:07You are now watching the TV.
06:22You are now watching the TV.
06:27Hare Krishna! Krishna Krishna!
06:31Hare Krishna! Hare Hare!
06:35Hare Hare! Krishna Krishna! Hare Hare!
06:40Hare Hare Hare!
06:43Rami, what are you doing?
06:45Yeah, man, what are you doing?
06:47Just trying something different, that's all.
06:49Different? What about tradition?
06:51Look, I think we're stagnating.
06:53I think we've hit a wall artistically, okay?
06:56Yeah, man, I think he's got a point.
06:58You didn't think like this a week ago.
07:00What is that supposed to mean?
07:01You didn't think like this before you met her!
07:03Hey, leave her out of this.
07:04There is still only one light in my life, and that is still Krishna, okay?
07:08Well, you could have fooled me.
07:09Yeah, you could have fooled me too, Ron.
07:12What's up with you, man?
07:14Just look at us.
07:15We're playing these 2,000-year-old songs,
07:17we're wearing these old rags,
07:18and we've just got to change with the times, that's all.
07:21Yeah, the times, they are a-changing.
07:23Right!
07:24I mean, are we gonna be a snack bar band for the rest of our lives,
07:26or are we gonna cross over to the main terminal?
07:28Didn't we just play a main terminal?
07:30Yeah, yeah, but that was a municipal airport.
07:32I'm talking the big time here.
07:34I'm talking LaGuardia, O'Hare, LAX.
07:37Hey, Rami.
07:38Hari-hari, Janice.
07:42What you up to?
07:43Just...channing and trying to sell people on Krishna, that's all.
07:46What are you up to?
07:47Nothing. I thought you might want some coffee and a donut.
07:49I figured you'd be hungry after your fast.
07:52Thanks, Krishna-Krishna.
07:54Coffee and donuts? Sugar and caffeine?
07:57Rami, you are way out of control!
07:59Well, maybe we ought to be out of control, okay?
08:03Listen, Janice has some great ideas for the band, and I think we ought to hear her out.
08:07Yeah, let's hear her out.
08:08Like what?
08:10Like, grow some hair.
08:12For the love of Krishna.
08:14With just a few changes, Janice says we'll be playing Kennedy in no time, guys.
08:18Yeah, my dad knows a guy.
08:20Yeah? Well, I know a guy, too. And his name is Krishna.
08:24And right now, you're selling him out.
08:26Actually, Janice thinks we shouldn't mention Krishna as much because she thinks it turns people off.
08:31I can't believe what I'm hearing.
08:33Yeah, me too.
08:35Well, now, hear this.
08:37Janice just gave her two weeks' notice at Dinkin' Donuts so she could tour with the band.
08:41Well, cool. She can clean the yogurt tub.
08:43No. That is not cool. She's not a Krishna.
08:47Do you want to convert?
08:49No, I just want to hang out.
08:50Okay.
08:52You mean I could have hung out without converting?
08:55Rami, you're gonna have to decide between the band or Janice.
09:00Yeah, man. You gotta choose.
09:03So what's it gonna be, Rami?
09:06I'm going with Janice.
09:08Janice to the white courtesy phone. Janice to the white courtesy phone.
09:11Yeah, Janice to the white courtesy phone.
09:15Well, I guess I'll be seeing y'all because me and Janice are on our way to Nirvana.
09:20And I don't mean heaven. I mean the top of the charts.
09:22Rami, guess what? I was just made manager of Dinkin' Donuts, Newark Airport, Terminal B.
09:27My dad knows the guy, so I guess I won't be touring with the band.
09:31Bye!
09:41You're looking well.
09:57How's the band?
09:59Never better.
10:00What brings you back?
10:02Yeah, man. What brings you back?
10:06I miss the music.
10:07We missed you, too.
10:10Hari, Hari. Hari, Hari, Hari.
10:14So you guys need a backup?
10:16Maybe. But you have to clean the yogurt tub.
10:20Okay.
10:22Okay.
10:24Hari, Kishan. Hari, Hari, Hari, Hari.
10:36Lowered expectations.
10:41Are you desirably impaired?
10:43Do you find yourself serving punch at parties?
10:45Would you describe yourself as shy, old-fashioned, not on anyone's A-list?
10:49Is your ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality?
10:55Well, unless you win the lottery, you're never going to land that dreamboat.
11:00But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody.
11:02And that's why lowered expectations may be for you.
11:06Our video library is packed with thousands of chronically rejected singles, just like you.
11:12Louise, number 342.
11:14Hey, boys.
11:15I've been around the track, and I know how to win, place, and show.
11:20I like my men like I like my meat, lean and stringy.
11:25Now, I may look like a saddle, but I know how to ride.
11:29Turn-ons, comfortable bowling shoes, buffets, and guys who can take a punch.
11:34Turn-offs, filter cigarettes, last call, and guys who fall asleep inside of you.
11:42For Louise, press pound 342.
11:44Lowered expectations.
11:45When you've been blown off by the rest, settle for what you can get.
11:53Lowered expectations.
11:57Hi, I'm Artie Lyon.
12:09You know, when I was 10 years old, my grandfather took me fly-fishing.
12:13I'll never forget the feeling of hooking my first trout, or my grandfather teaching me how to read the river, you know?
12:20Just the two of us out there alone with the...
12:22I'm sorry, I'm just a little dry up here. Can I get something to drink?
12:27Sure.
12:28Thanks, you're a lifesaver.
12:29No problem.
12:33What the hell is this?
12:35It's urine.
12:37What? Are you out of your freaking mind?
12:40No, in fact, I happen to be quite sane.
12:42Look, medical practitioners have advocated the drinking of urine for centuries now.
12:46All right, already I know I don't want to hear this.
12:47Listen, listen, listen.
12:48The number of urine drinkers is growing every day.
12:50Look, here's an article from Health Illustrated, okay?
12:53To stop cravings for food and alcohol, drink a glass of fresh urine.
12:58What?
12:59The practice of Amaroli, that's another name for pee drinking.
13:02Oh, no wonder I didn't finish that crossword puzzle.
13:04Has been practiced by Gandhi and Vishnu.
13:08Hey, you know what?
13:09What?
13:10I do feel oddly refreshed.
13:12That's urine replacing your much-needed electrolytes.
13:14Wow.
13:15I come out here wanting to tell a story about my grandfather teaching me to fly fish,
13:19and I end up with a hankering for piss.
13:21Ladies and gentlemen, Artie Lang.
13:23Ladies and gentlemen, Artie Lang.
13:24That's...
13:25Duh, duh, duh.
13:26Yeah.
13:27Yeah.
13:28Domino!
13:29Yeah!
13:30Yo, Grips!
13:31Grab the handcage and all the gas.
13:32Pork-ass slobs tried to smoke me, man!
13:33Who's with me?
13:34Yo, Glock is down to roll.
13:35Yeah!
13:36Let's...
13:37Do this!
13:38Nobody move!
13:39Yo, who the hell are you?
13:40Janet Reno.
13:41Janet Reno.
13:42Janet Reno.
13:43Janet Reno.
13:44That's...
13:45Yeah.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Yeah.
13:48Domino!
13:49Yeah!
13:50Yo, Grips!
13:51Grab the handcage and all the gas.
13:54Pork-ass slobs tried to smoke me, man!
13:57Who's with me?
13:58Yo, Glock is down to roll.
14:00Yeah!
14:01Let's...
14:02Do this!
14:04Nobody move!
14:05Yo, who the hell are you?
14:07Janet Reno.
14:08Justice Department.
14:09I've got a court order for the Crips.
14:10Nah!
14:11All you got's three seconds for I'll bust a cap in that ass.
14:14Under the new affirmative action policy, the Justice Department has mandated personnel
14:18changes in any organization whose membership does not reflect the multicultural makeup of
14:22this great society.
14:23What the hell you talking about?
14:25I'm talking about affirmative action.
14:26It's the law.
14:27Now it's time to meet the new blood.
14:29Blood?
14:30Nah!
14:31We...
14:32Crips, lady!
14:33Whatever.
14:34Jump these folks in.
14:37Have a nice day and enjoy your diversity.
14:45All right, Crips.
14:48It's playback time!
14:49You, you and you, grab a gun!
14:51Yeah!
14:52Six caps to the dome of any slaw!
14:54Couldn't we just bake some brownies?
14:57Whoa!
14:58Brownies?
15:00Shut up, man!
15:01Cracky!
15:02Go!
15:03Get the Impala!
15:04We're on the Deuce One Trey Crenshaw!
15:06Uh, Crenshaw, I hope they have, uh, handicapped parking there.
15:11Hello, I'm Justice Clarence Thomas.
15:14For years, affirmative action policies have taken opportunities away from the most able
15:19or skilled persons for the job simply because they weren't the right sex or color.
15:25Our Supreme Court is putting a stop to this by putting a stop to affirmative action.
15:30We want to make sure that what you have just seen can never happen.
15:35Don't cripple the Crips.
15:37And God bless America.
15:39.
15:49.
16:02.
16:04Oh, my God.
16:34Oh, my God.
17:04Oh, my God.
17:35Great party, guys.
17:38Well, it was a great party.
17:41It's Larry King.
17:42Wow, Larry King came to your party?
17:45More like Larry King crashed our party.
17:48Um, Elaine.
17:49Larry King.
17:51Hello.
17:52Ah.
17:52I just loved your interview with Johnny Cochran, and I love your column.
17:57Let me have a mineral water, please.
17:59So, what's next for Larry King?
18:02I'd love to interview Bob Dole.
18:04I think he's the most articulate man on Capitol Hill.
18:06Oh, really?
18:07I always thought he was...
18:0825 to life would be sounding pretty sweet right now if Antonio Banderas was your cellmate.
18:13Sorry, peaceniks, but I refuse to recycle when I'm on vacation.
18:18Why would anyone say rooster when they can say cop?
18:21Here's how I see it.
18:23Black people are the scariest, then brown people, then white people, then yellow people.
18:27For my money, Barry White is still the sexiest man on earth.
18:31Only a pretentious jackass would go to a museum.
18:35Big rave party at my house last weekend, and my sweater still stinks from hugging the plumber.
18:39Chips Ahoy and milk go together like champagne and doggie style.
18:49After about three hours of sex, Angie Dickinson would start smelling like a Mexican zoo.
18:54Call me Rev for Carly Simon's next children's book.
18:58At a recent fundraiser, I sat between Ernest and Tova Borgnine.
19:01Talk about a loose meat sandwich, I won't be hungry for about a month.
19:04Say what you will about baboons, but I think human beings have the finest asses on earth.
19:10The ten most beautiful words in the English language.
19:14Tonight, a very special episode of Jake and the Fat Man.
19:18Move over Mozart, John Tesh's latest CD is gonna make him a household name, you'll see.
19:23Good night, Larry.
19:26Forget him, the calamari's right here.
19:29Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I think the most glorious part of the body is the scrotum.
19:39Hank, number 574.
19:52Howdy, ladies.
19:53I'm Hank from Waco, Texas, where, believe me, everything's bigger.
19:57Talk about your panhandles.
19:59And if you were my special gal, I'd treat you like I treat my gun collection.
20:03I'd polish you, lube you, and occasionally take you apart and give you a thorough cleaning.
20:07We'd go out and get some spicy-aged venison steaks and drive out under the stars all the way to the municipal dump,
20:14where we'd plug racks all night long with my pearl-handled smith and wesson.
20:18I love all God's creatures, but I love killing them even more.
20:22So if you're looking for a high-caliber man who won't misfire on you, aim and shoot in my direction.
20:30Bullseye!
20:32Evening.
20:32Oye, ¿qué tienes? Te noto un poco preocupado.
20:52Necesita un sistema de negocios de uso variado para microprocesión.
20:56Ah, tienes que probar el nuevo OX2-Core de IZM.
21:01Puede microprocesar, analizar datos y realizar operaciones de telemercadeo simultáneamente.
21:07Así que recomiendas el OX2-Core de IZM, ¿eh?
21:12Así es.
21:17Pero no tengo suficiente memoria en mi disco duro.
21:20Ah, pero IZM usa rayos láser para guardar información.
21:23Mi computadora del 4000 no puede hacer eso, ¿eh?
21:31¿Cómo puedo poner más información?
21:33Yo te lo mando por correo electrónico mañana.
21:36Así ya pronto estarás conectado también.
21:38Muy bien.
21:50Coming up on Mad TV.
21:52They're touchier than I was after Mr. Saturday Night.
21:56Man.
21:56Claws and retract, claws and retract.
21:59Big thighs, fat ass, good job, no kids.
22:04You wanna watch Mad TV?
22:10A new story from Elfra E. Fron.
22:14A romance that transcends race, religion, and species.
22:19No, I'm telling you, men and whales cannot be friends.
22:26Because no man can be friends with a whale he finds attractive.
22:29So, you're saying men can be friends with whales they find unattractive?
22:33No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.
22:35Ah.
22:35When Harry met Willy.
22:39It's about love.
22:41The sex part always gets in the way.
22:43That's not true.
22:44I have plenty of male friends.
22:46Squids, sharks, octopi.
22:48Yeah, well, maybe in the ocean, but it doesn't work that way on dry land.
22:51I mean, the fish smell alone.
22:52I'm a mammal, dammit.
22:54I breathe air like you.
22:57Aging.
22:58I remember when I first saw Harker swimming away from those whaling ships.
23:04And you came in on the Greenpeace boat.
23:06Such a handsome one you were.
23:09Ah, the way you flapped those fins.
23:11I wanted to be the first one to harpoon her.
23:19I'm getting old.
23:20Look, there are already wrinkles around my blowhole.
23:23What, are you kidding me?
23:24You are the sexiest fish I've ever known.
23:26I'm a mammal.
23:26Get it through your head.
23:28I am a mammal.
23:29All right, fine.
23:30You're touchier than I was after Mr. Saturday Night.
23:34Sex.
23:35Believe me, I think I know when a whale is faking it.
23:38Oh, really?
23:39Oh, yes.
23:45Oh, yes.
23:48Oh, yes.
23:52Yes.
23:55Yes.
23:56Yes.
23:57Yes.
23:57Yes.
23:58Yes.
23:58Yes.
23:58Yes.
23:59Yes.
24:00Yes.
24:01Yes.
24:02Yes.
24:03Yes.
24:04Yes.
24:05Yes.
24:06Yes.
24:07Yes.
24:08Yes.
24:09Yes.
24:09I'll have what the killer whale is having.
24:17Life.
24:22When Harry met Billy.
24:30Lowered expectations.
24:35Patty, number 315.
24:37Hi, I'm Patty.
24:40I'm a senior at UCLA.
24:42I love to rollerblade.
24:43And I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
24:47Have you?
24:48If you haven't, we should get together and visit, chat, rap, what have you.
24:55I'm sure I can help you find the true way.
24:59As Jesus said, the angel shall come forth and sever the wicked and shall cast them into the furnace of fire.
25:05But enough of the king of kings.
25:09Let's get down to boy-girl stuff.
25:11Turn-ons.
25:12Our savior, naturally.
25:14Banana milkshakes.
25:15Two straws.
25:16Turn-offs.
25:17Sex before marriage.
25:19Ugh.
25:19Dead things.
25:20And Negroes.
25:21If you are looking for a Christ-centered relationship with marriage as the ultimate goal, give me a jingle.
25:29I'll be waiting and praying.
25:34For Patty, press pound 315.
25:38Lowered expectations.
25:40Hey, check out the shirt Roger's wearing today.
25:53Yeah, nice shirt.
25:55You know what I heard about Roger?
25:57What?
25:58That guy's a midnight golfer.
25:59What?
26:00He's a midnight golfer, Roger.
26:02He's a midnight golfer.
26:03He likes to golf at night.
26:05Yeah, he's a midnight golfer.
26:07I don't know what you mean.
26:11Roger's the window jockey.
26:14What are you talking about?
26:15He's got an above-ground pool.
26:17Know what I'm saying?
26:18No.
26:20His peanut butter's a little crunchy.
26:24We went metric years ago.
26:25The guy's hat's got no brim.
26:28The guy works in a paperclip factory.
26:31His bus has no seats.
26:33What are you saying?
26:36Roger.
26:36Yeah?
26:37The guy over there.
26:38Yes?
26:39He's got a sink full of turtlenecks.
26:41He's a weather baby.
26:43His lawnmower runs on ginger ale.
26:45What?
26:46The guy has got a license to farm in the city.
26:51He stuffs his turkey with marbles.
26:53He's got a bowl full of magic markers in his garage.
26:57And the guy wears sunglasses in the sauna.
26:59He's a four-way mirror.
27:00He's a cup full of rocks.
27:02Hey, you guys talking about me?
27:07No, no, no.
27:08Yes, you are.
27:09I heard what you were saying.
27:10He said it.
27:11He said all those things about you.
27:12I didn't say anything.
27:13Yeah, and I just want to let you know I appreciate it, man.
27:16Thanks for all the compliments.
27:17That was nice of you.
27:18Yeah, no problem.
27:19I met them all, too.
27:20You're a real nice guy.
27:21All right, man.
27:22Well, hey, Roger, I think that you've got all your lamps in one submarine.
27:28What'd you say to me?
27:29I said you've got all your lamps in one submarine.
27:33You calling me gay?
27:36No, I don't think so.
27:37You said he had all his lamps in one submarine.
27:39Well, where do you get off calling me gay?
27:41I don't.
27:42And so what if he was, huh?
27:43You know, you say you've got a real problem.
27:45You know that?
27:45You've got a real problem.
27:46No, I believe you.
27:47I didn't know what I was saying.
27:48I didn't mean that.
27:49I meant that you are a midnight golfer.
27:52I meant that you are a midnight golfer.
28:08Oh?
28:08Oh, ma'am.
28:20Huh?
28:38Anderson, your girlfriend's here to see you.
28:47Jeremy!
28:48Hello, Susan.
28:50You look so cute with your little cap on.
28:53Boy, do I miss you.
28:55Yeah, me too.
28:58Honey, you're acting kind of weird. Is everything okay?
29:03Listen, I guess I've been avoiding this, you know,
29:06but I just don't think this whole thing's gonna work out with us.
29:11What do you mean, honey bear?
29:13I just feel like something's come between us, you know?
29:17What are you saying?
29:20I want to break up.
29:22What?
29:23I just feel like we're very different people, you know?
29:25I just feel like we've been drifting apart.
29:27I mean, look, I'm on death row and you work at a mall.
29:31How can you say that?
29:34We have so much in common. We both love the same things.
29:37Writing letters, phone calls, denim.
29:40It's just...
29:42I just don't see things working out long-term with us.
29:44Well, what is it? I can change.
29:46You're too possessive, Susan.
29:48Well, then I'll give you more space.
29:49It's not just that. It's...
29:51It's someone else, isn't it? There's someone else.
29:54No! God, you see what I mean? How about some trust, huh?
29:57I'm sorry, pumpkin. Can't we just give it one more try?
30:01Just... I just feel like I gotta move on with my life, sweetie.
30:05I can't believe you're breaking up with me.
30:09I hope you die!
30:11I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean that.
30:15It's just that I love you so much.
30:18Please, I know we can make this work.
30:21I just feel like I gotta move on with my life.
30:25Fine.
30:27Do you want me to mail you your stuff?
30:29Nah, you can keep it. I'm not gonna be needing it.
30:33Okay. Bye, Jeremy.
30:36See ya.
30:42Man! That is a load off my chest.
30:44God, I should have done that a long time ago.
30:46Oh, I feel so free!
30:49Look out, everybody! He's single again!
30:52The lady killer is on the parole!
30:55Yee-hoo!
31:05So, Grip, forget that trick, kid.
31:09I just rap with Aqua Netta, man. The bitch is fronting.
31:12Oh, my God, Lisa. Hi.
31:14I just rapped with Brett, and you wouldn't believe it.
31:17He's all like, shh.
31:19And I was all like, what?
31:21Yeah, man. See, check it out.
31:23I'm trying to get a little something, something, right?
31:25And she's trying to get ready for church, man.
31:27Stop! I know. So then I was all like...
31:30Because Brett was all like, whatever.
31:32And I was all like, who are you?
31:35Nah, nah, nah, nah.
31:36Because basically, kid, if dominoes don't come soon,
31:38I'm gonna order from Little Caesars.
31:40He acts like he's Hugh Grant,
31:42and I'm Divine Brown drive-through service window.
31:44I don't think so.
31:46My baby is fine, man.
31:48Big thighs, fat ass, good job, no kids.
31:53I know, I know, but I was totally into him.
31:56I mean, it was synchronicity.
31:58His car matched my eyes.
32:01Word up, word up, kid, man. I gotta be strong, man.
32:04Believe in my inner self and have faith in JC the Almighty.
32:07You're right.
32:08You're right.
32:09I just keep hearing this voice from above saying,
32:11Don't get on that Stairmaster again.
32:15Yeah, man, she gone, right?
32:16I mean, that's cool.
32:17You know, her damn show ain't gonna cry no more.
32:19He is history.
32:21And I can handle it because I am down and I am street.
32:25Nah, man, it's cool, man. Hold on.
32:29It's true, it's true.
32:31I am Schiffer and he is Copperfield.
32:34Make yourself disappear, okay?
32:36It hurt, man, because, you know,
32:38it ain't like Honeydip Pam Grier, man, you know,
32:40and I'm Dolomite all day long.
32:42He is an ass, as in Ben Dare ass.
32:45Yeah, I can see clearly now.
32:47Yeah, the rain is gone.
32:48Man, this ain't no thing, right?
32:50She is Keiza, right, man?
32:52And me?
32:53I'm on that midnight train to Georgia, man.
32:56Hello?
32:57Uh, hold on, operator.
32:59I know.
33:00I know.
33:01Yeah, you got a buffalo I know?
33:03A buffalo?
33:05I am totally vegan.
33:07What?
33:08What?
33:09Huh?
33:10Excuse me?
33:11Come again?
33:12Pardon-moi.
33:13Whatever.
33:14Whatever.
33:15Sure.
33:16What up?
33:17Go.
33:18Straight up, man.
33:19Buggin'.
33:20Fine.
33:21Yeah.
33:22I'm outie, kid.
33:23I'm outie.
33:30I'm outie, kid.
33:31I'm outie.
33:32ohh, oh, do I Ok?
33:33It's woah.
33:35Let's see you, kids, at his ooh andaken 집에 nowhere.
33:37Slowен expecting.
33:38J Ins Cyrus dead.
33:40Moo Hot!
33:41Yeah, the orkos喜apperv user Swift assisiède!
33:42Look at myacc� trancheyorv action.
33:43You have to be really mean to travel now.
33:44Rawen expectation.
33:45Jeremy number 423.
33:46noted ironic.
33:47Hi ladies, my name's Jeremy.
33:48and parking under the stars, turn-offs, unreliable people, diet, soda, yuck, and neat freaks.
33:56So if you've got blonde hair, blue eyes, are between 5'3 and 5'7, about 120 pounds,
34:02then why not give me a call?
34:04No smokers, please.
34:08Bye.
34:09For Jeremy, press pound 4, 2, 3.
34:13No one needs dictation
34:16My new Linium chip PC has a 100 megahertz microprocessor.
34:31Wow. How fast can you download 300 megs?
34:34With my Linium interface, I can transport at 9,600 BPS.
34:41No way. That rate of transfer can cause abnormal online termination.
34:46Liniums are the industry standard. Nothing transports faster.
34:51IZMs can. You get true multitasking and easy access to the Internet.
34:56Remarkable.
34:58Email me the information. I'll contact IZM and download today.
35:01Consider it done.
35:02Next week on MADtv.
35:13I had my mouth welded shut.
35:15I said, girl, you're every woman.
35:17Literally.
35:18Oh, God, Bailey, I love you.
35:20I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
35:23Hi, I'm Debra Wilson.
35:41Can I get serious with you guys for a minute?
35:43Do you mind?
35:44Because I want to talk about something that's very personal.
35:48Okay, here goes.
35:49I'm celibate.
35:51No, no, seriously.
35:52I've been celibate now for four years.
35:54My friend Warren says it's been three, but honey, trust me, it's been four.
35:58I mean, I used to, you know, like...
36:01If, you know, the cashier at any supermarket knocked a couple of bucks off the bill.
36:06Or, if the Jehovah Witnesses came to my door and I just wasn't in the mood for talking,
36:11hello!
36:13But those days are gone, and I just want to say, if somebody wants you to have sex and
36:18you're not ready, don't do it.
36:19Or if you're having sex and you just want to stop, then stop.
36:22Because let me tell you something.
36:23Celibacy is your privilege.
36:25It's your right.
36:26It's your choice.
36:26It's my choice, and I couldn't be happier about it.
36:31No, seriously.
36:34Hey, Jeff.
36:35Hi, Brian.
36:35I didn't know you were celibate.
36:37Oh, yeah.
36:37I am really proud of you for making such a brave decision and having the courage to talk
36:41about it on TV.
36:42You do what you got to do, man.
36:43You know?
36:44I mean, exposing your personal life to send a message to the youth of America?
36:47You know.
36:47That is great.
36:50If you help just one young person find the courage to make the decision that's right for
36:54them, then everything you do is worthwhile.
36:58Come on, friend.
36:59Give me a hug.
36:59Anyone can spew hollow words.
37:06It's leading by example that really means something.
37:11Let's have a hand for Deborah Wilson, everybody.
37:13Somebody got a cigarette.
37:26Hey.
37:26Hey.
37:26Somebody got a cigarette.
37:28Three minutes to curtain, people.
37:40Three minutes to curtain.
37:41So, Tabitha, how was your brother's wedding?
37:44Reach out.
37:44Turn out.
37:46It was good.
37:46It was good.
37:47It was small.
37:47You know?
37:48I don't know.
37:48The kind of wedding I hope Dan and I have one day.
37:50And five, six, punch the eight.
37:52No, pop the head.
37:53Oh, pop the head.
37:54Got it.
37:54Good.
37:54Pop the head.
37:55Okay.
37:56Got it.
37:56You really think you and Dan will get married?
37:58Step, kick, scratch the fleece, spin, and collapse.
38:01Oh, nice spinning collapse.
38:03Right.
38:03Maybe not tomorrow, but someday I hope.
38:05Three, four, slide to the five, slide to the five.
38:10What's wrong, Alicia?
38:11And one, two, three, four.
38:14I have to tell you something.
38:16Pounce.
38:16And I don't know how to say it.
38:18Claws and retract, claws and retract.
38:20What is it?
38:21Kick, roll, change, kick, roll, change, and kick.
38:22The other night after the show, Dan and I went to callbacks for a drink.
38:28Fun, strut, fun, strut, hip.
38:30Lick and pat and arch on four.
38:34Okay, and?
38:35And we both got really drunk, and I know it was a huge mistake,
38:39but we ended up sleeping together.
38:41I'm so sorry, Tabitha.
38:42Oh, my God.
38:43Go from second position to fifth and cross the feet.
38:46Big eyes retract.
38:48Big eyes and down.
38:50Wait, wait, wait.
38:50My best friend just slammed my boyfriend.
38:52This is unbelievable.
38:53I know, and I hate myself for it.
38:55Skip, look, and wait.
38:56Yeah, well, I hate you, too.
38:58You've ruined my life.
38:59Well, now at least you know what kind of guy Dan really is.
39:01Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, hit.
39:03My muscles are funny.
39:04Oh, it looks good.
39:04Five, six, seven, hot.
39:06Yeah, I also know the kind of two-faced bitch that you are.
39:08Look, Dan came on to me, okay?
39:10Let's get that straight.
39:11And up.
39:12Down, down, down, down.
39:13Up, down, down, down.
39:14Up, down, down, down.
39:15Hey, girls, what's up?
39:16Don't even waste your breath, you jerk.
39:20Did you sleep with Alicia?
39:22I'm Kepstrad, everybody.
39:28All right, I did, but I am so sorry.
39:30Jazz hands.
39:33I will regret it for the rest of my life.
39:35Hands, Dan.
39:37Open.
39:38Why don't you just tell her the truth, Dan.
39:40Down.
39:40Oh, the truth?
39:42The truth about what?
39:43Spot me.
39:44And up.
39:46Thin man release.
39:47Nothing.
39:49That's not what he said Saturday night.
39:51He said you were frigid in the sack.
39:52What?
39:53I did not say frigid, damn it.
39:55The Jellicle Moon.
39:56The Jellicle Moon.
39:57The Jellicle Moon.
39:58You make me sick.
40:00Paw, paw headlights scattered.
40:02The whole thing is not what you think.
40:04How can you say that?
40:05He's already admitted it.
40:06That's why you're doing it.
40:06Good show, everyone.
40:11Break a paw.
40:12Cat grins.
40:13Cat grins.
40:36The Jellicle Moon.
41:06Thanks for joining us.
41:22Hope you enjoyed the show.
41:23Before we go, let's pay homage to one more group of people who make sure you hear our jokes
41:27every Saturday night.
41:29The Mad TV Sound Crew.
41:30We got together a little ditty for you folks at home, so be jittle and give it up for the
41:36Mad TV Sound Crew singing, we make the sounds that make the whole world laugh.
42:00The Mad TV Sound Crew.
42:02Transcription by CastingWords
42:32Transcription by CastingWords
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