- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 6
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01On the next MADtv...
00:03Snoopy and I are very proud of this film.
00:05America's top neurotic director teams up with a heavy-hitting rapper.
00:09You're a really fantastic dancer.
00:12The UBS guy knows what a girl wants.
00:14I don't know if you like fish or lamb.
00:16Also made both. Also made pasta.
00:18And is it the Vancombe lady or Lady Luck?
00:21Hit me. If I had a sock full of quarters, maybe I could work something out.
00:24Next on MADtv...
00:26You are now watching MADtv.
00:30You are now watching MADtv.
00:35MAD!
00:37Lucy? Come on, Lucy. Here, Lucy.
00:40Here, baby. Come here.
00:43Come here.
00:45Come on, Lucy. Come on, Lucy.
00:48This isn't gonna work. She knows something's up.
00:51Make some loud noises. Try to get her this way.
00:53Okay.
00:54Shoo! Go on! Shoo!
00:56Come on! Gotcha!
00:58I got her way!
01:03She got away.
01:05Mom. Come here, Mom.
01:07Come on, Lucy. Come on.
01:09This isn't working.
01:10I'm gonna get a broom and try to poke at her.
01:12When she comes your way, grab her.
01:13No, you are not poking my mother with a broom.
01:15Last time you did that, you broke one of her ribs.
01:17Well, we've got to do something.
01:19Try picking up the bed.
01:20Oh, no. Not that bed.
01:22My disc is still herniated from trying to take the twins to summer camp.
01:26Hey, where are you going?
01:27I'm gonna put down a bowl of tapioca. That always works.
01:31She's not supposed to eat before we take her in.
01:33Remember what the doctor said?
01:34Okay, I'll just get the carrier to block the door, because if she gets in the kitchen, we'll never get her off the fridge.
01:40Good idea.
01:41Just keep the gate latched, because Dad's already in there.
01:49How you doing in there, Dad, huh?
01:51Who's that big dad?
01:52Who's that big dad?
01:53Who's that big dad?
01:54Yes, you are.
01:55He can't understand you. All he hears is Dad.
01:59Okay, I'm ready when you are. Just make sure she comes this way.
02:02Okay, I'm going to shimmying.
02:03I'm shimmying.
02:04Gotcha!
02:05Careful, she's got her teeth in.
02:06Ah! She hit me!
02:08Oh!
02:13Mom?
02:14Come on.
02:15Come on.
02:18Good.
02:19Good, Mom.
02:21Ow!
02:22Damn it!
02:23Dad got out!
02:24Huh?
02:27Where'd he go?
02:28Where do you think he went?
02:31This is ridiculous.
02:32We gotta get two carriers.
02:34I'm getting the cattle prod.
02:36No.
02:37You are not poking your father with a cattle prod again.
02:40He's my dad. Believe me, he's got it coming.
02:45Mom?
02:46Are you okay in there?
02:47Oh!
02:48She bit me!
02:54No!
02:55No!
02:57Thank you, David.
02:59Come on.
03:00Come on.
03:02Come on.
03:03Come on.
03:04Yeah.
03:05Yeah.
03:06Come on.
03:07Come on.
03:09Hey!
03:11You're so crazy
03:13You're so crazy
03:32You drive me down
03:41You are not watching Mad TV
03:44Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mad TV
03:59We have a very special guest with us tonight
04:05Please welcome our friend from Kids in the Hall
04:08Mr. Kevin McDonald
04:10Thanks, Artie
04:15How's it going, Kev?
04:16Hey, not too close, buster
04:18Kev, what's with this guy?
04:21Hmm?
04:22Oh, that's Mr. White
04:23Yeah, but who is he?
04:26He's my bodyguard
04:27What do you need a bodyguard for?
04:31You know my life, Artie
04:32He's surrounded by crazies
04:34Is he armed?
04:37Believe me, Artie
04:38Mr. White does not need a gun
04:40He's kind of a small guy, isn't he?
04:46Yeah, well, believe me, Artie
04:47You don't want to get in Mr. White's face
04:49Go ahead, take a poke at him
04:51Nice, just a little guy
04:56What, are you scared?
04:57No, I just don't want to hurt him
04:58That's all
04:59Oh, trust me
05:00He's not the one that's going to get hurt, my friend
05:02Go ahead, take a swing
05:03No, come on
05:08He's so tiny, it would be like punching a baby
05:16Yeah, yeah, all right
05:21I'm a little more mature than that
05:23I'm not going to be poked
05:25All right, all right, okay
05:29Yeah, you hurt my ribs, you big bully
05:36You're fired
05:40I quit
05:41You're fired first
05:43It's a good thing you found out about this now, Kev
05:46Show you the show
05:47Kev
05:52Kev
05:54Hey, Artie
06:01Do you need a bodyguard?
06:02No, I know jiu-jitsu
06:04Hi, I'm Tammy
06:16I'm one of the millions of satisfied WallsMart customers
06:19I used to shop at Thriftmore
06:21Until they unexpectedly went out of business
06:23But WallsMart was there for me
06:26With extra low prices
06:27And courteous customer service reps
06:30Like Vivian
06:31Who always knows where everything is
06:33WallsMart is so clean
06:35They even have a play pit for my kids
06:38In fact, I'm here so often
06:40I made a sign to hang on my door
06:42It says, if I'm not here, try WallsMart
06:46It's true
06:48Here's that can of corn you asked for
06:53Thanks, Vivian
06:55I'd be lost without WallsMart
06:58WallsMart, why go anywhere else?
07:01Now, it doesn't pick up male TV
07:05But it does pick up soap operas
07:07When you get bored from behind the stage
07:08There are a couple of good ones right now
07:09And Susan is about to have a baby
07:11But it's not Brad, it's Clips
07:12Made!
07:13And now it's time for Incredible Findings
07:33With your host, Mike Lawson
07:36Hey everybody
07:42Boy, have we got a show for you today
07:44We're gonna be introducing a brand new product
07:47Never before seen on TV
07:50They wouldn't even let me see it, those bums
07:52Well, I don't know about you
07:55But the suspense is killing me
07:57So let's bring out your friend and mine
07:59Tony Bright
08:00Hello, Mike
08:05Okay, Tony
08:07You got me so excited
08:09I couldn't sleep a wink last night
08:10If I don't see this brand new product of yours pretty soon
08:12I'm gonna bust
08:13Not so fast, Mike
08:16First, I've got a question for you
08:18Darn you, Tony
08:19You always do this to me
08:21Alright, what is it this time?
08:23Mike, do you ever get depressed?
08:25Depressed?
08:26Well, yeah
08:26I have severe bouts of depression
08:28Don't you?
08:28Mike, do you know that if you were to buy every single self-help book on the market
08:34It would cost you over $70,000
08:37Just to get rid of that annoying depression?
08:41I think I own most of those
08:43Yeah, well, you can say goodbye to him, Mike
08:45Tony, what are you doing?
08:50Well, he's finally lost it, folks
08:53You can call me bonkers
08:55But I've found the most sensible and inexpensive way of curing the depression of yours
08:59Mike, introducing the all-new shock treatment
09:03In a box
09:05Shock treatment in a box?
09:09Sounds too good to be true, Tony
09:11Believe it, Mike
09:13It's the home shock treatment system from Nubco
09:15Nubco?
09:16Okay, now you've got my attention
09:18Mike, now you can give yourself professional shock treatments
09:21Just like you get in those expensive mental institutions
09:23Except right in your own home
09:26Whoa
09:28Is that a mahogany finish?
09:30You bet, Mike
09:31That would look great in my living room
09:33And for you folks on the go, this baby will store under any airplane seat
09:36Wait a second, wait a second, Tony
09:40We can't give ourselves shock treatments
09:42We're not psychiatrists
09:44You don't have to be a psychiatrist, Mike
09:47Shock treatment in a box comes with its own set of instructions
09:51Should have known
09:53Those Nubco guys don't miss a trick
09:55Mike, what do you say we try it out?
09:59Well, I have been feeling pretty bummed out lately
10:01What do you say, should we try it?
10:04Okay
10:05All right, Mike
10:07I'm just going to switch this baby on
10:08Wow, space age
10:11That's right
10:11Just apply some of this petroleum jelly
10:13Dear temples, Mike
10:14And the jelly is included too?
10:17You bet, Mike
10:18All right, Mike
10:20Are you ready to kiss those blues goodbye?
10:22Let her rip
10:23There you go, Mike
10:24Okay, here goes nothing
10:26The shock treatment in a box comes with its own petalian
10:31Nubco shock convert
10:32Capable of generating up to 4,500 volts of electricity
10:35It also comes with two industrial strength shock pedals
10:38An eight ounce jar of petroleum jelly
10:40A three page owner's manual
10:41And a car battery adapter for all you campers
10:45You look about done to me, Mike
10:51How do you feel, Mike?
10:58Happy
10:59And that's not even the best part, Mike
11:02Because the entire shock treatment in a box kit
11:05Can be yours for just $399.95
11:08But wait a second, Tony
11:13You can do better than that
11:16All right, all right
11:19Let me see
11:20How about $249.95?
11:23Mike, that's a savings of $150
11:26I'm going to go to bed
11:32Yeah, well, it looks like he's driving a hard wagon again, folks
11:38Mike, what if I were to say to you
11:40Three easy payments
11:41Of $49.95
11:43Buttered muffins
11:51Right, well, let's show them how to order, then, eh?
11:55Send your check or money order to shock treatment in a box
11:57P.O. Box 788
11:58Farmington, Illinois
11:59MasterCard abuse accepted
12:00No CODs, please
12:01Prohibited by law in all states except Vermont
12:02Join us next week on Incredible Findings
12:05They're going to come and get you, you bastard
12:07Good night, folks
12:10Hello, my name is Vivian
12:24When I was in high school, I was real unpopular
12:28And no one would talk to me
12:29Now, I work at Walls Mart
12:32And when I say hi to people, they say hi, Bian
12:35Hi
12:36Hi
12:37They gave me this real important job here at the customer service department
12:41And, hey, I also get to wear this neat smock
12:45It seems as though every day there are fewer and fewer complaints
12:52I guess that's due to our friendly service
12:55My winning Walls Mart smile
12:57And our low, low prices
13:00Hey, customer service lady
13:03You know, you people are running me out of business
13:05You know, you come into town
13:06You squeeze out the little guy
13:07And then when you've got everybody where you want them
13:09You just jack up your prices
13:10Don't think I'm not onto you
13:11I know what you're doing
13:12Our team of specialists will be right on that, sir
13:15Hey
13:17Every time I help to resolve a complaint
13:25I feel a little better about myself
13:28Walls Mart, there's nowhere else to go
13:32I've got about 30 seconds before I have to do my funny bit, so
13:40See ya
13:41See ya
13:41The killing fields of South Central LA
14:00A hotbed of racial frustration
14:03Now, from one of America's greatest filmmakers
14:07Comes the story of two lovers
14:10Caught in the turbulence of the inner city
14:13For years, the critics have been hounding me
14:16Because all my movies are set in New York
14:18And you never once see an African American
14:20Personally, I think they're nitpicking
14:22But that's neither here nor there
14:24The point is, I've now made a movie
14:26That will lay to rest all the so-called criticisms
14:29A movie that's true to the streets
14:31And extremely hardcore
14:32And inexplicably fat
14:35Woody Allen's Annie Ho
14:38It stars two people I'm a huge, huge fan of
14:43Rap's biggest star, Snoop Doggy Dog
14:46And, uh, see, Snoop comes from the hood
14:48So as a director, all I had to do was let him be himself
14:50I regret to inform you, gentlemen
14:56That, uh, I once again emerge victorious
15:00If you, uh, know what I'm saying
15:02Ow!
15:04I think I broke my fifth metacarpal here
15:06Get some ice, if you don't...
15:09Uh, uh, uh, 40 dogs?
15:13Anyone?
15:15You already seem to be nursing
15:16Mind if I...
15:19Well, uh, maybe he's got the back
15:29And, of course, the film stars, Rosie Perez
15:32Terrific actress, both on-screen and off
15:35For at least two reasons
15:37Normally, in a situation like this, I would say
15:41I don't love them hoes
15:43But this is definitely an exception
15:45I have to look up at this girl
15:48Breasts is jiggling, she rocking the world
15:50Cause I don't know what to say
15:53But every time...
15:54You're a really fantastic dancer
15:56In fact, I'd say you have more moves than Metamucil
15:59Oh! Oh my God! Oh my God! I am so sorry!
16:04Are you okay?
16:04Um, never better
16:06Suddenly, I'm in love with them
16:08Julio Cesar Chavez
16:10You're kind of cute
16:12Yo, bring your ass back over here
16:15I'll be with you in a minute
16:16Hurry up, bitch!
16:19Hey! Don't call me bitch, bitch!
16:21I'm a freaking lady!
16:24My name is Annie
16:24Annie Home
16:26See ya
16:27I knew instinctively she was intelligent
16:31Annie was the type of girl I could really get behind
16:33And stay there
16:35Why are you almost gonna be embarrassed for me
16:36In front of everybody like that?
16:38What do you want to settle down for, Max?
16:39Stop calling me Max
16:41Good name for you
16:41Max, look at yourself
16:42You're a pimp, a player, a hustler
16:44This Annie girl is wonderful
16:46It's a match made in Compton
16:47This is South Central
16:48We're safe!
16:50Jumba, get serious
16:51I really like this girl
16:53Look, Max
16:54Annie is a blood
16:55You're a crip
16:56Figure it out
16:57What is this blood?
16:59Crips
17:00Why do we have to be in gangs?
17:02You know what I'm saying?
17:03People constantly shooting all the time
17:05I'm always stuck having to wear the crip blue
17:08I mean, God forbid there should be a gang that wears earth tones
17:11Max, if you want Annie Ho
17:13You're gonna have to bust a cap in her boyfriend's ass
17:15Great
17:16You put it as romantically as that
17:19How can I resist?
17:21Finally, Woody Allen tackles the pain and anguish
17:25Of the urban jungle
17:26A true departure from his earlier, funnier movies
17:30You know, kids
17:33Rather than a drive-by
17:35Maybe we should just send this guy a nasty letter
17:38That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life
17:41I cannot believe it
17:41Is it just me or is this not unlike taking a table saw to a French horn?
17:46You did take every responsibility
17:48So you know I was gonna take you home and use ice and everything
17:51Come on, Max
17:52We gotta roll
17:53Fine
17:54Never thought I'd be saying this
18:04But thank God for German engineering
18:07Okay, forget this
18:08A homie of mine's got a car that works
18:10Let's go pop these guys
18:11Yes, of course
18:13Pop
18:13Popping
18:15All of a sudden I'm Oval Redenbacher
18:18Snoopy and I are very proud of this film
18:21It's a wonderful merger of our creative aspirations
18:24Best summed up by a joke
18:25Which is usually attributed to Groucho Marx
18:27Although I think it originally appears in Freud's wit and its relation to the unconscious
18:31It goes something like this
18:33I'm paraphrasing here
18:34Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her pitbull a bone
18:39When she bent down the pitbull bit her ass off
18:42I guess that's why I keep making movies
18:45I need the ass
18:47Yo, Wood
18:48Appreciate on his hookup, you know what I'm saying?
18:51Oh, hey
18:52Which one's mine?
18:54Don't make me no nub of my boo
18:56Okay
18:57Great, we'll play it by ear
19:03Anyhow
19:08Coming soon to a theater near you
19:11Being a greeter here at WallsMart makes me feel like a real person
19:20It's not like coming to work
19:22It's like coming home
19:23Because here at WallsMart
19:24I'm not just a number
19:25I'm a name
19:26And my job's important
19:27Excuse me, greeter
19:29Where are the vitamins?
19:31All seven, customer
19:32Thank you
19:33When WallsMart came to town, I resisted
19:36But when the small business I owned unexpectedly shut down
19:39WallsMart stepped in and gave me a job and a sense of purpose
19:42Good morning
19:42P209
19:44I mean Vivian
19:46Good morning
19:49Tammy
19:51Here at WallsMart, we're one big happy family
19:56Excuse me, I'm looking for my mother
19:58Hello, new customer
19:59Hi, I dropped her off three days ago
20:00I haven't seen her since
20:01Hello, new customer
20:02Hello, new customer
20:03Hello, new customer
20:04Hello, new customer
20:05Hello, new customer
20:05Hello, new customer
20:06Outboard motors are on aisle three
20:07Hello, new customer
20:08I'm not looking for an outboard motor, I'm looking for my mother
20:10Hello, new customer
20:11What the?
20:11Hey!
20:12Ow!
20:14WallsMart
20:15We're coming to your town soon
20:17We're coming to your town soon
20:18We're coming to your town soon
20:18We're coming to your town soon
20:19WallsMart, resistance is futile
20:22Coming up on Mad TV
20:30Can you sit still?
20:31Sit, sit, sit, still, still
20:33These mad TV suits wouldn't know a funny idea
20:36One took a crap on one of their kids' heads
20:38Which, by the way, was another monologue idea
20:41My, they rejected
20:42Why don't you three get a room?
20:44Okay, why don't you iron your face before you go out in public?
21:03Okay, why don't you iron your face before you go out in public?
21:33Cool
21:35Hey, Jack
21:38Oh, hi, Mrs. Timmons
21:40You know, it's funny, when you knocked, I thought you were my date
21:42You know, because I got a big date tonight
21:43Her name's Lily, and she's the secretary down at UBS Delivery, where I work
21:45And I really think she could be the one, you know, like, the one, you know
21:48So I'm having a room for dinner
21:50But then, you know, I opened the door, and it wasn't her, it was you
21:52Fascinating
21:54Look, your rent's late
21:57I was expecting it at my place between midnight and four
22:00Oh, yeah, right, see
22:02I totally would have had there on time, except, you know, usually we could pay it on Fridays
22:05Only Carol wasn't there, so
22:06Joanie from Personnel had to come
22:07Shh
22:07It's not when you pay your little wind-up toy
22:11It's how
22:12Oh, right, how, yeah
22:15Don't worry, this time it'll totally be a check
22:17No more singles and change
22:18Have it for you on Monday
22:19Hey, Jack
22:34Hey, Lillian
22:34You look, like, completely pretty
22:37That's nice of you to say
22:39Here
22:40Thank you
22:42No problem
22:43Come on in
22:43Okay
22:44So, uh, am I the first one here?
22:48Nope, I've been here for hours
22:49You know, I would have been here sooner, except there was, like, a big pileup on the 605
22:53So I had to go around, you know
22:54No, no, Jack, I meant, is anybody else coming?
22:57I, I heard you're talking to everyone at work about dinner tonight
23:00Oh, no, no
23:01I was just telling them about our date, you know
23:02Just trying to see what everybody thought about us
23:04Us?
23:05Ooh, dinner's ready
23:06Us?
23:08Jack, before we eat, maybe, maybe we should talk about this
23:11Oh, right, small talk
23:13You gotta have small talk
23:14Sorry
23:14So, how was your day?
23:20Crazed, really
23:21Cool, let's eat
23:21Okay
23:22Do you like fish?
23:26I mean, I hope fish is okay
23:27Uh, fish is fine
23:28You know, because if you want, you can have, like, lamb chops
23:30You made lamb chops and fish?
23:33Well, yeah, see, because I didn't know if you liked fish or lamb chops, you know
23:36So, you know, I also made both, you know
23:37But then I thought, well, what if she's, like, a vegetarian?
23:39And then, you know, maybe had fish yesterday
23:40So, I also made pasta
23:41Fish is fine
23:44Cool
23:45I'm having chicken
23:46Wow, Jack, looks like you went through a lot of trouble for this dinner tonight
23:52See, I feel awful
23:54I thought this was gonna be, like, a casual office get-together or something, you know what I mean?
23:59No, don't worry about it
24:00It's no trouble at all
24:01Hey, can I show you something?
24:04Um
24:04What do you think of this ring?
24:09Beautiful
24:09Cool
24:10Totally great
24:11That's like, whoa
24:12I mean, as a ring
24:13Go ahead
24:14You know, I bought it about three years ago
24:15You know, for that special somebody
24:17Try it on, I bet it fits
24:18Okay, okay, okay
24:19You know what, Jack, Jack
24:20You're actually making me a little bit uncomfortable
24:23Um, can we sit down and talk about this?
24:25Can you sit down right here?
24:25Yeah, yeah, totally
24:26Sit down, here
24:26Can you sit down?
24:27Yeah
24:27Right here
24:28Yeah
24:28Here, sit, here
24:29Sit at, can you sit still?
24:31Sit, sit
24:32Still, still
24:33Jack, I think you're really nice
24:39And I'm flattered
24:41By what you think of me
24:43But I'm gonna have to be blunt
24:45I don't see us going out
24:47I see us as friends
24:49You see?
24:50And, um, and that's it
24:52Oh
24:54Cool
24:55Then you could have this to go
24:57Oh
24:57I don't have to leave
25:01I mean, we can stay and eat
25:03No, no, that would just make you uncomfortable
25:04Which would make me uncomfortable
25:05There's always the rest of me uncomfortable, right?
25:06No, no, I see you're just
25:07You can give me the playback tomorrow at work
25:08Jack, I, all right
25:09Whoa
25:13That was heavy
25:14But
25:15Lesson learned
25:16Oh, Jack
25:22I heard everything
25:23Look
25:24You don't need her
25:25You need a special friend
25:27Oh
25:28Oh, my God
25:29What a great idea
25:30I'll call Larry
25:31Hey
25:36Larry
25:36You hungry?
25:38I got chicken
25:38Or if you want chicken
25:39You can also have, you know
25:40Lantos
25:41You know, I also got some pasta
25:42Here
25:42You know what I need
25:44I know
25:45In
25:47There
25:48Who eats
25:49Here
25:50There
25:50W
25:52I understand
25:52I
25:54Frances
25:55I
25:56I
25:56That
25:57I
25:57You
25:58In
25:59The
26:00A
26:00I
26:02I
26:02I
26:03осто
26:04từ
26:04honor
26:04You
26:05Always
26:05Jeez
26:06That
26:07I
26:07children
26:08cub
26:09Wish
26:09Lost
26:09ado
26:10Oh
26:10How
26:11Are you in there?
26:38It's Nicole from MADtv, just wanted to say hi. Hello? Oh, there you are.
26:50You are now watching MADtv.
27:00Deal again.
27:01Oh, I'm sorry. I'm off-duty now.
27:04Well, if you're going, go. Cards! I need cards!
27:09Hello and welcome to the Kearney Time Hotel and Casino,
27:13a subsidiary of the Gambino Olive Oil and Cheese Importing Company
27:17and Takahito Entertainment. How may I help you?
27:21How do you think, stupid? Deal. I've been waiting over 30 seconds.
27:26I just wanted to give your liver time to cool off.
27:29Listen, sushi lips. Cut the chatter and hit me.
27:33Well, if I had a sock full of quarters, maybe I could work something out.
27:36You're a caution. Hit me.
27:40Oh, bust.
27:42Ah, dang.
27:43Wow, baby! This is our lucky night.
27:49OK, James Brown, would you like to have a seat
27:53or are you and Whoopi just here for the free drinks?
27:55Me and my lovely bride are here to take all your lovely cash money.
28:04Why don't you three get a room?
28:06OK, why don't you iron your face before you go out in public?
28:11OK, and the liquor sponge busts.
28:14And the Jeffersons are moving on up in over 21.
28:20Aw, damn!
28:21I'm so sorry, Weezy. You've been canceled.
28:25Young lady, do you realize with whom you are speaking?
28:27I'm sorry. I must have missed that episode of Cops.
28:30Oh, shut up your half-use Q-tip and deal.
28:33OK, ma'am, would you mind shaking your face?
28:36We seem to be missing a couple of aces.
28:38Ha-ha!
28:40Now, we are losing, and we're losing, and we've lost!
28:46Aw, damn, baby. Why you got me pussyfooting around?
28:49Let's bet it all.
28:50Hey.
28:51Ah, you may deal at me the blackjack.
28:54It would be my pleasure, Abdul.
28:56I hope that's not one of our pillowcases on your hand.
29:00Ah, I do not understand. Teach me the blackjack. How much to bet?
29:04OK, you put these thousand-dollar chips here.
29:07I keep taking them till they're all gone.
29:09I'll just park your ass and get on with it.
29:12OK, ma'am, I'm sorry, but there are no leather bags allowed on the...
29:16Oh, you'll have to excuse me. I didn't know that was your hand.
29:19Ha-ha!
29:23OK.
29:24The bottom feeder loses.
29:26Ah!
29:27Alibaba loses and...
29:29Come on, let's do it.
29:3121!
29:32Ah!
29:32Baby, we won!
29:34Ah, you know what?
29:36Ah-ah!
29:37See, here at the Cardi Time Hotel and Casino, a tie goes to the house.
29:42Which means it'll be a long time before you could afford one.
29:44Thank you, Perry.
29:45I have all the money I've ever had!
29:47Thank you, Perry.
29:48OK.
29:49Shoot!
29:50Shoot!
29:51Hit me, dearly lady.
29:52OK.
29:53So, two cards for the sack of fat and two cards for Arafat.
29:58Hit or stand.
29:59Uh, what does it mean when cards add to 21?
30:03It means you say, hit me.
30:05Hit me!
30:06Oh, 28 and 22.
30:09Too bad, Sinbad.
30:11Ha-ha-ha!
30:13I play good.
30:14You take the chips, huh?
30:15You are good at dealing the blackjack.
30:17Perhaps you'd like to be wife number four.
30:21You know what?
30:22Uh-uh!
30:23Oh!
30:24Let me say it in words you could understand.
30:30How dare you insult my country, my race, my religion!
30:33You are rude, lady!
30:35Where is Wayne Newton?
30:36OK.
30:37Thanks so much for stopping by, Sheik.
30:39Love your condoms.
30:44Kathy, I've been watching you.
30:46You've cheated, insulted, and deceived people all night long.
30:50As far as I'm concerned, you're the best damn dealer I've ever seen!
30:54Quit moving you to the $10,000 table!
30:57Well, Christmas on a cracker, that's certainly a change of pace now, isn't it?
31:02Do I still have to sleep with ya?
31:04Yeah.
31:05OK.
31:06Bye-bye.
31:08OK.
31:09Congratulations, kid.
31:10I knew you'd make it.
31:11Thanks, Mom.
31:12Deal.
31:26Guys, I don't know.
31:27If Larry doesn't show up in the next few minutes, maybe we should just go ahead and
31:29start without him?
31:30It's probably traffic.
31:31Yeah.
31:32Hey, guys.
31:33Sorry I'm late.
31:34I had to swing by and pick up Brad.
31:35You all remember Brad, don't you?
31:36Hey, Brad!
31:37Yeah, hi, Brad.
31:38How are you?
31:39Here you go, Brad.
31:40Right here.
31:41Honey, what happened?
31:42What's wrong with him?
31:44Well, Brad's having kind of a bad day.
31:46Um, it's his wife.
31:47Apparently, this morning, somebody broke into their house and K-I-L-L-E-D came.
31:52Oh, wow.
31:53My God!
31:54That's not all.
31:56He went to tell his parents what happened, and while he was going there, his brakes failed,
32:00his car plowed right through the front of the house, killed them both.
32:02No!
32:03Oh, my God.
32:04That is so awful.
32:05You know, so I thought to myself, after a day like that, you know what this guy needs?
32:09A little Pictionary.
32:10A fan town.
32:11A fan town.
32:12You, sir, are a prince.
32:14Okay, Brad.
32:15You can be in my team.
32:17You, me, and Larry.
32:18We're gonna kick some Pictionary butt.
32:20What do you say, Brad?
32:26Great.
32:27We'll go first.
32:28Brad, pick a card and draw.
32:30Okay.
32:31Girls against the boys.
32:32All right, Brad.
32:34Okay.
32:35Ready?
32:36Draw.
32:37Draw, Brad.
32:38Draw.
32:39Yay, Brad.
32:40You just read the card and then draw.
32:45Read the card, begin.
32:46Oh, orphan.
32:47That's a tough one.
32:48Yeah, I'd have a hard time about that.
32:49I don't know how I do that.
32:50You know, I don't know how I do that.
32:51It's a tough one.
32:52I don't know.
32:53I don't know how I do that.
32:54I don't know.
32:55I don't know.
32:56I don't know.
32:57I don't know.
32:58I don't know.
32:59I don't know.
33:00I'd have a hard time with that one.
33:01I don't know how I draw that.
33:02Yeah.
33:03Huh.
33:04You know what?
33:05Why don't the girls go?
33:06That would be fun with it.
33:07Okay.
33:08Girls are going.
33:09I'll take that.
33:10Thank you very much.
33:11Okay.
33:12Aaron, it's an action.
33:13Okay.
33:14Go.
33:15Falling down.
33:16Tripping.
33:17Sleeping.
33:18Sleeping.
33:19Running.
33:20Tripping.
33:21Tripping.
33:22Poking.
33:23Poking.
33:24Scaring.
33:25Scaring.
33:26Camping.
33:27Time.
33:28Time.
33:29What was it?
33:30Someone breaking into someone's house and killing them.
33:32I knew that one.
33:33I knew that.
33:34Maybe you should be on my team.
33:36You can't tell me that doesn't look like somebody camping.
33:38Yeah, maybe if you're camping at Brad's house.
33:40Oh, Brad knows I'm kidding, honey.
33:42Stop.
33:43Right, Brad?
33:44Chet, you're up.
33:45Okay.
33:46Go.
33:47A witch.
33:48A building.
33:49With windows.
33:50A house.
33:51My house.
33:52Your house.
33:53Slaughterhouse.
33:54That was great.
33:55That was a tough one, honey.
33:56Oh, come on, Brad.
33:57You should have been able to get that long.
33:58Yeah, I gotta say you're up to Brad's house.
33:59Oh, Brad's house.
34:00Oh, Brad knows I'm kidding, honey.
34:01Oh, Brad knows I'm kidding, honey.
34:02Stop.
34:03Right, Brad?
34:04Chet, you're up.
34:05Okay.
34:06Go.
34:07A witch.
34:08A building.
34:09Yeah, I gotta say you're getting D for effort here, pal.
34:12Hey, go easy on him.
34:13I mean, if anybody's got a right to pull a gloomy Gus, it's old Brad, huh?
34:16Yeah.
34:17Look, he's picking a cup of bread you want to play.
34:21What?
34:22What'd you get for him?
34:24Oh, Slaughterhouse.
34:25We did this one.
34:26Brad, you have to pick from this side.
34:28Duh.
34:30Chad.
34:31Well, he's grieving, not retarded.
34:33I know, but the guy's having a bad day.
34:35Hey, last week I lost one of my favorite socks, but you didn't see me weeping and moaning all day.
34:40I'm just saying, have a little sympathy.
34:42I have loads of sympathy, but come on!
34:44I just spent the last five minutes of my life busting my ass trying to cheer this guy up, but he still looks like he's gonna cry.
34:49You gonna cry?
34:50You gonna cry?
34:51You gonna cry?
34:52Brad, Brad, Brad, listen, listen.
34:53We know that you're sad, okay?
34:55But, come on.
34:56What, is this grieving gonna go on all night, or?
35:01You know what?
35:02Forget it.
35:03I'm going to bed.
35:04No, Jackie.
35:05No, no, no.
35:06Don't go.
35:07I don't wanna play.
35:08Brad, ruin the game!
35:10Are you happy now, Brad?
35:11Look what you did.
35:13I think you owe her an apology.
35:17What?
35:19You know what, just forget it.
35:20You know, I never should have brought you over here.
35:22I want you to leave.
35:23I want you to go home.
35:24And I want you to think about how selfish you're being.
35:27Yeah, but I wanna play Pictionary.
35:29Oh.
35:33Man, if I ever get like that, just shoot me, okay?
35:35Happily.
35:37Hey, anybody up for Monopoly?
35:39That game of life!
35:40Oh, I miss you!
35:50You know.
35:51But we love it.
35:52Don't take it to me.
35:53I miss you.
35:54Henry Harris executed.
35:55Daniel distribution garantиваем the game passing by L.C.
36:01Lil on the curtain virtual mater.
36:08Ladies and gentlemen, again, Mr. Kevin McDonough.
36:13Ladies and gentlemen, again, Mr. Kevin McDonnell.
36:26When the producers of MADtv asked me to do a monologue,
36:29I thought, hmm, that sounds like a lot of fun.
36:33You know what happened?
36:34They took away the fun part.
36:37It seems they didn't cop to my ideas,
36:40and I think I came up with some pretty good ones.
36:42For example, I wrote a piece called
36:44The 483 Things That Bother Me.
36:49I read it to them.
36:51They said, you can't be on TV for 17 straight hours.
36:56Fine, so now I have to deal with time restrictions.
36:59My next idea was something I call butchering a cow.
37:04They said, oh, great, what's that a clever analogy for?
37:07I said, analogy, my sweet ass.
37:10I bring a cow on stage, I name him,
37:12and then I butcher the damn thing.
37:14Chopping and chopping and chopping.
37:17They said, sure, Kevin, it's funny on paper,
37:19but where does it go?
37:22Where does it go?
37:23I'm chopping up a cow.
37:25I'm covered in blood.
37:26It writes itself.
37:28Still, all day, all I heard was, where does it go?
37:31Where does it go?
37:31So, then I pulled out the big gun.
37:35A surefire winner I call Nazi Dance Party.
37:38This is where I wear a grass skirt, go-go boots, and a couple swastikas.
37:43Never mind.
37:47My point is, I would not give up.
37:50I said, okay, you mad TV producers,
37:52I'll give you one more monologue idea.
37:55Hate sex with an ex-girlfriend.
37:58Sure, I'd be out here with a real live ex-girlfriend,
38:01you know, on the floor, doing it, not facing each other.
38:04Industrial music blaring in the background,
38:06stealth light flashing, not facing each other.
38:08Real good old-fashioned hate sex, hysterical, huh?
38:16Well, apparently not,
38:18because at this point,
38:20one of the producers leaned over,
38:21pressed a button,
38:22and I fell through a trap door.
38:25Two minutes later, I'm swimming in a sewer,
38:27looking for my way out.
38:28Who gave the producers of Mad TV
38:30the power to build a trap door?
38:34At this point, I said, screw this.
38:36I didn't bother to push my other monologue ideas,
38:39Kevin naked and wet.
38:42My webbed feet.
38:46Stillborn pie.
38:47It's a character piece.
38:50And I said to myself,
38:52these Mad TV suits wouldn't know a funny idea
38:54if one took a crap on one of their kids' heads,
38:56which, by the way, was another monologue idea.
38:59Mine, they rejected.
39:01Great, that's just great.
39:02In that case, I'll just do a monologue,
39:03but all the monologues I wanted to do,
39:05you fat-ass bastard suits.
39:08Good night.
39:12Where the hell are they?
39:13For the time to build a trap door!
39:25I don't know.
39:26I figure if I can get my grades up this semester,
39:28then I'll have a really good shot of getting to an Ivy League school.
39:30I mean, I've always wanted to go to...
39:32Whoa!
39:35What was that?
39:37Craig, we've been going out for three months,
39:39and you haven't even tried to kiss me,
39:41let alone...
39:42Well, I mean...
39:44You know, I mean...
39:45It's not my style.
39:46I was trying to be a gentleman.
39:47I don't want a gentleman.
39:50I want you!
39:51Oh!
39:51Wait!
39:55I think you should know that
39:56this is my first time.
40:00Oh, yeah.
40:01Mine, too.
40:04Oh, my?
40:05Okay, roll on.
40:06Roll on top.
40:07Roll on top.
40:07Ow, ow, ow.
40:08That's it.
40:08Ow.
40:09That's okay.
40:09Okay, it's good?
40:10Oh, yeah.
40:10That's it, baby.
40:11Okay.
40:12Okay.
40:13Okay.
40:13Okay.
40:14Oh, girl, don't mind us.
40:18Craig, Craig, there's somebody in the room.
40:20Hey, baby.
40:21Oh, it's just my parents.
40:22Hi.
40:23You got yourself a look at her, son.
40:25Yeah, it did good, huh, Dad?
40:26Yeah.
40:27Craig, let's just stop it right now.
40:28Please.
40:29Please.
40:30What?
40:30Did I do something wrong?
40:31I mean...
40:32Craig, why are your parents taping us?
40:34Craig's losing his virginity.
40:37This is a big step in a young boy's life.
40:39And we got this new high-tech camera
40:41just for the occasion.
40:42Craig, your parents want to tape us having sex?
40:45Oh, yes.
40:46We got all of Craig's big events on tape.
40:48Burp day, Christmas pageant, first wet dream.
40:51This is too weird.
40:53Jeanette, you know what you would like?
40:55The time-lapse video of Craig reaching puberty?
40:57Yes, ma'am.
40:58Looked like a damn cheerleader.
41:00This is sick.
41:01I am out of here.
41:02Wait, wait, Jeanette.
41:04Wait.
41:04I don't get it.
41:08What did I do wrong?
41:09Oh, baby, you might have been a little too aggressive with her.
41:12Now, like I said, you've got to be gentle with women.
41:16Let's do it my first time, shall we, mother?
41:17Oh, Jack, I've seen this a million times.
41:23Crazy.
41:24Mad.
41:25Yes.
41:25You've got that down.
41:26Crazy.
41:27Mad TV.
41:27Come on.
41:28Yes.
41:28Come on.
41:29Okay, thank you for calling.
41:30May!
41:31Thank you for watching Mad TV.
41:48And always remember, keep on dancing.
41:51Good evening.
42:12Sing up.
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