- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 14
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01On the next MADtv
00:03Tommy Davidson is a little bit country, a little bit rock and soul
00:07It's gonna be sweet now
00:12And the Wedding Bell Blues
00:14William asked me to marry him
00:19No wonder he stopped calling me
00:21It's joy, I can't stop the joy
00:25Next on MADtv
00:26You are now watching MADtv
00:30Okay, here comes, I got her in my sights here, Chief
00:34I got her in my sights
00:35Since she's loaded down, we got one, two, three
00:37And rock it low, baby, here we go
00:49What did I do?
00:51Look, just tell me what I did
00:52I'm just asking you what I did
00:54What did I do?
00:55I haven't done anything
00:56I haven't done anything, hey
00:58I'm innocent
01:00I'm innocent
01:02Oh
01:03Oh
01:04Oh
01:05Oh
01:06Oh
01:07Oh
01:08Oh
01:09Oh
01:10Oh
01:11New prisoner entering cell block four
01:26Hey
01:27How you doing?
01:28What you in for?
01:30I don't know man, I don't even know what I did
01:33I don't even know what I did
01:34Wow
01:35How long you been in here?
01:37Nineteen years
01:39That must have been rough
01:40Yeah
01:41Yeah
01:42Yeah, yeah
01:43It's a big chunk of a young man's life
01:44Yeah
01:45Yeah
01:46Yeah
01:47Say
01:48What's that in that rat hole over there?
01:53I don't know man
01:55Looks like it could be a hidden camera
02:02Oh no
02:03No
02:04Joe, yes
02:05I'm on TV
02:06Yes you are
02:07Come on
02:08Tommy Flanagan, you've been had
02:11You've been had
02:12You've got a portrait
02:13That's right
02:14Not only that
02:15But the man who's been brutalizing you for the last 19 years
02:18Is none other than Police Academy's Michael Winslow
02:20No
02:24Oh come on
02:25No
02:27A dog, a cat, a zipper
02:29Oh man, I'd love you at Police Academy 4
02:31Thanks a lot man
02:32And here's someone else who's helped us out quite a bit
02:35No
02:36No
02:37Mom
02:38Why didn't you come and visit me
02:39Tommy
02:40I wanted to but I didn't think I could keep a straight face
02:44I can't believe this
02:45All those appeals
02:46Getting beaten down in the prison yard at the mattress parties
02:49I don't believe this
02:50Well you better believe it Tommy Flanagan
02:52Because
02:53You've been had
02:56You wanna know about this?
02:57Next up on You've Been Had
02:59The unnecessary bypass operation
03:06The unnecessary bypass operation
03:08You've been aboutayer
03:09So
03:10Oh
03:12Oh
03:13Oh
03:14Oh
03:15Oh
03:16Oh
03:17Oh
03:18Oh
03:19Oh
03:20Oh
03:21Oh
03:22Oh
03:23Oh
03:24Oh
03:25Oh
03:26Oh
03:28Oh
03:29Oh
03:31Oh
03:32Oh
03:33Oh
03:34Oh
03:35Hey, hey, you're so crazy, you got me gone
03:48Hey, hey, hey, you wanna know what you meant to me?
03:57Welcome to BAT TV!
04:05We have a great show for you and we're really excited because we have a very funny man with us.
04:09Please welcome Tommy Davidson!
04:25Yo, what's up? What's happening?
04:27Happy Black History Month, I'm your host, Tommy Davidson.
04:32But of course you know that's my slave name.
04:35Now tonight I'm here to set the racial record straight.
04:38We know that African Americans have come a long, long way with the cutting edge of culture.
04:43And it pisses me off when we ain't seen as innovators.
04:46I mean, damn, come on, man, give me my props.
04:48African Americans have influenced every aspect of American culture, except one.
05:00And partners, I think you know what horse I rode in on.
05:04Now you ain't seen the likes of me since MTV and Chicken Freaksy.
05:19From Compton to Tennessee, this black man singing country.
05:23So don't you dare get mad at me, because I got the audacity
05:27To jamboree to the funky beat, and got the nerve to add a little hickory.
05:32Hickory!
05:38Now to the two agree, that country music's good for me.
05:43As black eyed peas and colligree, you can even add a little public enemy.
05:47So don't you dare get mad at me, because I got the audacity
05:51To jamboree to the funky beat, in the name of black history.
06:00Don't let it scare you.
06:03I'm picking up my feet, I'm jamming to the beat,
06:05You can best believe it's gonna be sweet tonight.
06:08Y'all come back to the hood here.
06:29Outstanding!
06:35Outstanding!
06:38You are now watching M.A.D.T.V.
06:47Man, this is ass out, man.
06:49Where the hell is Cecil?
06:50It's like an hour late.
06:52For all we know, he's probably laying face down in a pool somewhere.
06:55Meter's running, fellas.
06:57You know what, man?
06:57I am so tired of his temperamental genius trip, you know?
07:01Thinks he can just take a dump and a gold album comes out.
07:04I agree, man.
07:05You're totally right.
07:06What a douchebag.
07:08Hey, what's up, Cecil?
07:11How you doing?
07:11Hello.
07:12Everybody, this is Leah or Roxy or sister or something.
07:18Anytime you guys are ready to go.
07:19Right, right.
07:20Let's definitely do this.
07:21Let's do this.
07:21No, no, no, no, no.
07:23So take your time, man, because maybe you haven't wasted enough yet.
07:26You know, maybe you want to, like, smash a few guitars and set the studio on fire.
07:30Yeah?
07:32Well, if I feel like it, maybe I will.
07:34You know what, man?
07:35You're not going to drag me or this band down, okay?
07:38So just get your act together, Cecil, or you can just...
07:42What?
07:43What?
07:43What?
07:44What say?
07:44What?
07:45I am the band, man.
07:46I am the band.
07:48Playback.
07:49Let's do this.
07:50Here we go.
07:57I like my thumb.
08:00My fingers say to stay away.
08:03But Mr. Thumb says, come on, let's play.
08:06Oh, I like my thumb.
08:10Great.
08:11Do you want to hear that one back?
08:12Yeah.
08:12I'll hear it when the album comes out.
08:13Cecil's amazing.
08:15How would it go?
08:16It wasn't bad.
08:17Could be better.
08:18I like your thumb, too.
08:19Yeah?
08:24I'm going to be busy here for a while, so Kirk, why don't you get Slade to lay down his track?
08:28Anytime you're ready, Slade.
08:35I like my thumb.
08:38My fingers say to stay away.
08:41But Mr. Thumb says, come on, let's play.
08:44Oh, I like my thumb.
08:46Yeah, man.
08:49Way to go.
08:50It was perfect, Slade.
08:51It was flat.
08:53Except, you know, except for the flat part.
08:54Yeah, well, maybe it went out of tune while I was waiting for you, Cecil.
08:58It went out of tune, huh?
08:59Yeah.
08:59Here, give me that.
09:00Give me that.
09:01What, what, man?
09:01You don't touch another man's axe.
09:03Yes, man.
09:03You scared, man?
09:05You scared him or I'll show you up, Slade?
09:07Anytime, guys.
09:10You know what, man?
09:11That's it, okay?
09:12I have five messages on my answering machine from Alvin and the chipmunks.
09:15All right, do it, man.
09:16Do it, man.
09:17You want to go meet and see you guys at the door?
09:18I'm leaving, okay?
09:18Do it!
09:18I'm leaving, okay?
09:19Do it!
09:19I'm leaving, man!
09:19Shut up!
09:20Shut up for a second!
09:21Man, you guys are so wrapped up in your own egos, you're forgetting why we're doing this in the first place!
09:25No, for the children!
09:34All those little smiling faces singing along and, if we're lucky, learning something!
09:40Anytime, guys.
09:41Otherwise, we're just a bunch of, I don't know, businessmen, you know?
09:47He's right, dude.
09:48No, you're right.
09:49You're right.
09:49It's about the kids.
09:50It's about the kids.
09:51Sorry, Slade.
09:52Yeah, it's cool, man.
09:52Sorry.
09:53It's cool.
09:53All right, let's do this for the kids.
09:55All right, man, yeah.
09:56Let's do doorknob is.
09:59Queuing up.
10:00Here you go.
10:03A doorknob is a thing you turn to get inside the house.
10:09If mom's asleep when you get home, be quiet as a mouse.
10:15A doorknob is a thing you turn to get inside the house.
10:20If mom's asleep when you get home, be quiet as a mouse.
10:29Is my dinner ready?
10:32Can't you just play it the way I wrote it?
10:33Wait, I don't get any creative input now.
10:35You're a bitch.
10:51Well, I guess I won't be keeping this on for very long.
10:53You are so bad. She is so bad.
11:01Attention, everyone. Attention.
11:06I think that now is a good time to say a few words on behalf of the bride-to-be, my little sister, Emmy.
11:17You know, a lot of people have come up to me and said,
11:21Emmy's three years younger than you.
11:23Does it bother you that she's getting married first?
11:26Well, of course not.
11:30But honestly, I couldn't be more surprised myself.
11:34I mean, who would have thought that Emmy would beat me to the altar?
11:39For God's sakes, as a child, she used to eat her own feces.
11:44I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
11:47Well, I'm not, but who cares?
11:50Oh, look at her now.
11:52Didn't she just turn out adorable?
11:55And she's going to be marrying a great guy who I actually met first.
12:02And when I brought him home, he met Emmy.
12:05And it was love at first sight.
12:07And I'm sure it was no coincidence that she was dressed in a negliche and dropped a fork and had to bend over to pick it up.
12:16I mean, how many times do people drop their forks, huh?
12:19You tell me, Emmy, huh? Tell me! Tell me!
12:22I mean, what were you doing carrying a fork around, huh?
12:26You were an accident!
12:28Oh, kidding! Kidding!
12:31Oh, I love to get around.
12:34Not a lot of people know that about me.
12:37Oh, but this isn't about me.
12:39This is about Emmy.
12:41This is her special day.
12:44And I couldn't be happier for her.
12:47Oh, tell me you made it.
12:49Everybody, this is my best friend, Cammie.
12:53Hi.
12:54You are not going to believe what just happened to me.
12:58William asked me to marry him.
12:59Oh, my God!
13:08Do you mean William the doctor?
13:15William the doctor?
13:17No wonder he stopped calling me.
13:26It's joy! It's joy!
13:28I can't stop the joy!
13:32Oh, Carrie, I'm so happy for you.
13:38Thank God I don't need a man to make me happy.
13:41Because I love myself.
13:43Hear, hear.
13:43I don't need a man.
13:45I don't have a man.
13:48And I have my sister Emmy to thank for that.
13:52So, ladies, let's raise our glasses high
13:55in a toast to my sister Emmy.
13:57Yes.
13:58And remember, on your wedding night,
14:01I taught him that thing that he does with his tongue.
14:04Eddie, I'm kidding!
14:05Oh, and I have a gift for you, Emmy.
14:14Here, open the box.
14:16Oh, my God!
14:20It's a box of forks.
14:26No knives or spoons.
14:29What's the matter?
14:29Suddenly you don't like forks?
14:31No, I do.
14:32I do.
14:32I love, I love, this is great.
14:34Thank you, sis.
14:34Yay!
14:36Yay!
14:36Yay!
14:36Ladies.
14:41Waiter.
14:42Waiter, yoo-hoo.
14:43I dropped my fork.
14:47Oh, thank you very much.
14:49Waiter, that was my fork!
14:51Waiter, me!
14:52The tall one!
14:53Waiter!
14:54I need you!
14:55It's Where's Cecil?
15:06The singingest sing-alongs since Cecil on Parade.
15:08You'll get all the hits, including...
15:10Doorknob is...
15:11The Old Man Under the Bed.
15:12Nap time is over.
15:13Dogs pee, too.
15:14Mumps.
15:15I can't get no milk and cookies.
15:17Sorry, Mommy, missed the potty.
15:18Pancakes for breakfast.
15:19Paranoid.
15:20Grandpa went to heaven.
15:21Stinky pants.
15:22It tastes sour.
15:23I see, I saw, I seesaw.
15:25Too much candy.
15:27I can clap.
15:28Button hold.
15:29Wee, wonderful me, and much, much more.
15:31Just send $29.95 to 1-2, button my shoe lane.
15:34P.O. Box 3-4, shut the door.
15:359-0-2-4-6, pick up sticks.
15:37ABC, no CODs.
15:40I'm going to draw just what I think is an artist's sketch of the outfit that I want to wear on the show next week.
15:46And let's go see in the room if we have something like that.
15:55Hi, baby.
16:12How you feeling?
16:14Better now.
16:15I am so proud of you.
16:18Our first child.
16:19And you pulled through like a trooper.
16:23I love you.
16:24And I love you, too.
16:28Oh, it's beautiful.
16:30No, you're beautiful.
16:34Your hair, your eyes, your mouth.
16:38You are such a romantic and...
16:41Tell me about it.
16:46You know what?
16:47You are something else.
16:49I mean, really.
16:50You are really something else.
16:59Aw, yeah.
17:01Sookie, sookie now.
17:06You go, boy.
17:08Yeah.
17:14Yeah.
17:15Hey, hi.
17:22You know what I'm thinking?
17:23No, what are you thinking?
17:25I'm thinking, let's get busy, sweetness.
17:28Come on, you look so good and I want you so bad.
17:31Let's get it.
17:33I've just been through 72 hours of labor.
17:38Yeah, 72 long hours.
17:40Girl, I was about to burst.
17:42Woo!
17:43Come on, now.
17:44Let your lover boy in the bed.
17:45Ah, don't you dare get near me.
17:47I just gave birth.
17:49Look, if you think we're having sex, you're crazy.
17:52But what could be a greater expression of our love?
17:55Let's see.
17:56How about having a baby?
17:57You ain't gonna let the baby come between us, are you?
18:03Let's stop talking.
18:04I don't even want to talk anymore.
18:05No, no, no.
18:06We're gonna talk about it because it just happened.
18:08And you know, if you were here, you would have known that.
18:10Look, I would have been here.
18:11But I was busy.
18:13Doing what?
18:13Shopping.
18:14For what?
18:20Why don't you, uh, put this on so I can peel it off?
18:23Get the hell away from me, Larry!
18:26Come on, now, baby.
18:27It's been three long days.
18:29I am hurting.
18:32I am in need.
18:34Let me tell you something, girl.
18:35When I get this feeling, I need sexual healing.
18:39You need healing.
18:40I need healing.
18:42Let me tell you something.
18:42And having sex right now, it'd be like throwing a pencil down a mine shaft.
18:52Now, look.
18:52If you don't want to get your freak on, don't be talking dirty to me like that.
18:55Oh.
18:56Larry, you are so selfish.
18:58Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:00I'm selfish.
19:00Yeah.
19:01I'm selfish.
19:01Yes.
19:02Yeah?
19:03Here you are, laying down in the lap of luxury.
19:06People waiting on you, handing foot flowers everywhere.
19:09You're eating cookies and jello.
19:10I ain't at home alone.
19:14Refrigerator empty.
19:16Dishes in the sink up to here.
19:19Hell, ain't even no food in the dog's bowl.
19:23Cars out of gas.
19:25When are you going to start thinking about somebody else besides yourself?
19:29I am thinking about somebody else beside myself.
19:32Like our newborn son?
19:33Oh, we're back to that now!
19:35Larry!
19:37Why didn't I think?
19:40I'm tripping.
19:42I'm tripping.
19:43Honey.
19:45Honey.
19:46Look, I am really sorry.
19:47I'm not thinking about our child.
19:49I'm not thinking about us.
19:51I love you.
19:51And you love me.
19:54We are a family now, and that's what matters.
19:58Look, I know you need some time to recover.
20:03Go ahead and rest.
20:04You can rest.
20:06I'm a jerk.
20:08But you're my jerk, and I love you.
20:10Larry!
20:25Larry!
20:26Larry!
20:27What?
20:28What?
20:29Nurse!
20:30Nurse!
20:31Is she a freak?
20:33Get out of here.
20:34Get out of here!
20:35You're a freak!
20:35And stay away from my mine shaft!
20:40No!
20:41Hey!
21:03Hey!
21:04You got my motor running
21:21Just let me open up another beer
21:24Yeah, you got my motor running
21:27I haven't had a new jacket this year
21:31Oh yeah, you got my motor running
21:35Take all my life and I'm interested
21:37You got my motor running
21:40You got my motor running
21:44You got my motor running
21:49I can't afford another beer you like
21:52You got my motor running
21:56Not being with you makes me wanna cry
21:59Yeah, you got my motor running
22:03I can't afford another beer you like
22:06Yeah, you got my motor running
22:10I wanna start getting to the bottom
22:12Give me a minute, give me a minute
22:16Give me a minute
22:17Ready, ready, ready
22:19Yeah, you got my motor running
22:33You got my motor running
22:37Who the hell is this other guy
22:41Oh yeah, you got my motor running
22:44You never told me that you were bi
22:46You're ready for me
22:48You're ready for me
22:50You're ready for me
22:52Coming up on MADtv
23:09I'm incredible Al Kazdy
23:11Author of the self-confidence book
23:13Riding the lightning bolt
23:15This is you guys
23:17This is them, the enemy guys
23:21See, do you see
23:25Do you see
23:26MADtv
23:27Ten hut
23:53At ease
23:59Men
24:01Tomorrow we engage the enemy
24:03In our biggest and most ambitious offensive
24:06It will require perfect timing
24:09Precision and teamwork
24:11Tomorrow at 0800
24:14Wait
24:16No, today
24:18We're doing this today
24:20Today
24:23Today men
24:24We meet the enemy in battle
24:26And I don't need to remind you
24:27That they are the enemy
24:29But the American army
24:31Which is us
24:32Is the best fighting bunch of guys
24:35Fighting army style
24:36In the whole Americas
24:38World armies of the world
24:41We're the best
24:43Yes
24:44And you're gonna blaze through them
24:47Like a
24:48Bread hot metal thing
24:50You use in the fireplace
24:52To move the logs around
24:54You know that metal
24:56Pokey thing
24:57Gets all hot
24:58And
24:59A poker
25:00Yes
25:01Like
25:02A red hot poker
25:04All
25:05Hot and red
25:06Imagine that going through
25:08Something like ice cream
25:09Soft ice cream
25:11The kind you get at the mall
25:12And they dip it in that chocolate
25:14It's not the kind in the carton
25:16You scoop out
25:17Just whoosh right through it
25:19Them
25:20The enemy
25:22The enemy is the ice cream
25:25You guys
25:26Are the red hot poker
25:28This is you guys
25:30Arrrr
25:31Bang bang bang bang bang bang
25:33And this is them
25:35The enemy guys
25:36Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
25:37Men
25:42I'm not one for speeches
25:45I'm just proud to lead you into battle
25:49Watch you battle for the fight
25:52Winning it
25:53On your side of the battle
25:56Yes
25:57Victory
25:58Arrrr
26:00Bang bang bang
26:01Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
26:04Now some of you are
26:07Worried about
26:08Getting out of
26:09That battlefield
26:10And getting killed
26:11You're thinking
26:12I'm gonna go out on that battlefield
26:14And be Mr. Killed
26:17Well that happens
26:19What I'm trying to say is
26:21A coward gets killed
26:23A million times killeder
26:25Than a brave guy
26:27Who fights getting killed
26:28Right up until he's killed him
26:30As opposed to the coward guy
26:32Who
26:33Up until he was killed
26:34Who's
26:35Just sitting there
26:36Waiting to get killed
26:37A coward dies
26:42A thousand deaths
26:44But a brave killer
26:46Who
26:47It's what I was trying to say before
26:51You can ask my aid about it later
26:53Men
26:55Keep clear in your minds
26:57What I've said here today
26:59The red hot poker thing
27:03The coward thing
27:04And the enemy going
27:06Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
27:08And this last thing
27:11Which I will say now for the first time
27:13So that it will be fresh
27:14You can put pants on a pig
27:18But a dog who
27:20Men
27:25The enemy is attacked
27:27Over where the sand and the water
27:31So we have to go now
27:34Not later on today as we planned
27:37Those of you that return will hear the pig dog thing
27:40And I hope you keep what I say in your ear
27:43To guide you through the day's battle
27:45Good luck and
27:47Good luck
27:49Time
27:50Time
27:51Hup
27:52Here you are ma'am. Bon appétit.
28:07Here you are, ma'am. Bon appétit.
28:18Oh, thank you. Oh, that smells good.
28:20Can I get you anything else?
28:21Uh, yes, please. Some parmesan cheese.
28:23Excellent.
28:28Just say when.
28:30Okay.
28:37Uh, can I have some more, please?
28:41Sure.
28:47It smells great.
28:52Mm-hmm.
29:07I can't wait to eat this.
29:33Wait, wait, right there. Perfect. Right there.
29:37You're welcome. Enjoy.
29:39Oh, excuse me. Uh, some fresh ground pepper, please.
29:43Sure.
29:47Just say when.
29:49Okay.
29:57Crazy.
29:58Mad.
29:58Yes.
29:59You've got that down.
30:00Crazy.
30:00Mad TV.
30:01Come on.
30:02Yes.
30:02Come on.
30:03Okay, thank you for calling.
30:04Mad!
30:07Oh, that Ricardo is a genius.
30:28Oh, de Pierre.
30:32Ooh, la, la.
30:38Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well have myself a tinkle.
30:42Why, Viv, you vixen.
30:47I'm hopping away in my beautiful ballon.
30:53So, who are you teamed up with for the accounting project?
30:58Viv.
30:59Oh, no.
31:00Oh, yes.
31:01Oh.
31:02Can you imagine, subjected to that perfume of hers all day?
31:05What is it called?
31:05Oh, de Pierre.
31:07Oh, that's me.
31:07And what is with those homemade muffins she brings in every morning?
31:11I don't know.
31:12Oh, but you know what the guys in shipping do?
31:14They toss them in the urinals and use them for target practice.
31:18I just flush mine.
31:19Oh, that's a good idea.
31:21Yeah.
31:21Ew.
31:22Now, is it my imagination, or is our hair getting bigger?
31:25Oh.
31:25Oh, that Ricardo is a genius.
31:28A genius at hiding dead animals.
31:30And the way she dresses.
31:34What?
31:34Did her mirror go on strike?
31:35Give me a little on that.
31:37Ew.
31:38Viv, stall wine.
31:40Girlfriend, girlfriend.
31:42Did you see the shoes today?
31:44No, no, no, no.
31:45I didn't want to talk about it.
31:48Hey, Viv.
31:49The Barnum and Bailey called.
31:50Men want their shoes back.
31:53Oh, I swear, if she does not stop singing that song.
31:56Up, up and away in my beautiful balloons.
32:02Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
32:03And you know that she has that pathetic crush on Mel Webster in accounting.
32:09Mel Webster?
32:09Please, she wishes.
32:10And Nadia asked him about it.
32:12You know what he said?
32:12What?
32:13He'd rather swim through raw sewage.
32:15Woo!
32:17Oh, did you read your email today?
32:19Yeah.
32:19Top 10 reasons to hate Viv.
32:21Oh, no.
32:21What's number one?
32:22She's Viv.
32:23Oh, man.
32:24She would die if she knew.
32:26She thinks everyone likes her.
32:28Oh, she must.
32:28Remember last Christmas, she crocheted everybody in the office a dickie?
32:31Uh-huh.
32:32You know what?
32:32I just flushed mine.
32:34Good idea.
32:34Oh, I hate her so much.
32:35I hate her more.
32:37Yoo-hoo!
32:40Someone's in the stall.
32:41Oh, my God.
32:46You don't think it's...
32:48Viv?
32:48Listen, if it's Viv, there's only one thing we can do.
32:54What?
32:55We're gonna have to kill her.
32:58Why?
32:59I couldn't face her.
33:00I'd be so embarrassed.
33:02You're right.
33:03Otherwise, I'd have a hard time looking at her, and I'd feel real bad.
33:06All right.
33:06So, if it's Viv, we kill her.
33:08Deal?
33:10Deal.
33:10Okay.
33:10Okay.
33:11Get her.
33:12Uh, sorry, ladies.
33:15Wrong stall.
33:16I'm an old, white-haired man looking for the men's room.
33:19I've never made muffins in my life.
33:20Pardon me.
33:21Old man.
33:22Old man.
33:23Wrong stall.
33:28Did you see his shoes?
33:29I didn't even want to talk about it.
33:31Oh, wait, wait.
33:32He forgot his perfume.
33:33Flush it.
33:34Yeah.
33:34Yeah.
33:42Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome to a very funny man, my friend, Tom Kenny.
33:54Maybe I should have rescheduled, huh?
33:56No, no, no.
33:57Go ahead.
33:57Okay.
33:57Yeah.
33:57I'll tell you all about it.
33:59Uh, hi.
33:59Uh, my name is Tom Kenny, and as you can see, I recently broke, uh, both of my arms.
34:06I don't want to go into details.
34:08Let's just say that seven very bad men are behind bars right now.
34:14Actually, I tripped and fell, but that's not the point.
34:17The point is, when a tragedy like this happens to you, you learn a lot about your fellow man,
34:22your co-workers, your friends, your neighbors.
34:24For instance, their first question was not, are you in pain?
34:27When are the casts coming off?
34:29Not even, what are you going to do with your leftover pain pills?
34:33Swear to God, everybody across the board, their first question was, so, um, how are you
34:38going to wipe your butt now?
34:39Well, that's true, everybody.
34:43I don't want to be overly crude, but even if I could reach around back there, you want
34:49to be very careful about getting anything on the cast that's going to be wrapped around
34:55your hand for the next six weeks.
34:56Especially if you want to get people to sign it.
35:00I did learn a lot about marriage.
35:03When I was a kid in my 20s, I never understood the concept of marriage.
35:07Why would anyone get married?
35:09Now I know.
35:10Emergencies just such as this.
35:14Honey?
35:15Jill?
35:16Jill?
35:17Wipe me, I'm done!
35:20Jill?
35:20Did you go out?
35:23Huh?
35:24Huh?
35:24I'll wait.
35:27This isn't the kind of thing that's addressed specifically in marriage vows.
35:30No minister has a crystal ball that good.
35:33Do you, Jill, take Tom to be your lawfully wedded husband, even if for a period of four
35:38to six weeks you should have to wipe his?
35:39I do.
35:41Right there.
35:42That's the deal breaker.
35:43That's why people have spouses.
35:45I don't care how cool your roommates are, very few roommates will go there.
35:50The ones that would, I don't think you'll want to hang out with them.
35:54Even with your wife, your spouse, the person you know most in the world, the person you're
35:57closest to in the world, that's a humiliating and embarrassing experience.
36:01My wife Jill, trying to be very upbeat and supportive and put me at ease, she actually
36:06said this.
36:06Hey, tell you what, if it'll make you feel better when the cast come off, you can wipe
36:10me.
36:15Completely missed the point.
36:20This isn't a question of me being envious.
36:22In fact, I think that everyone should be responsible for their own wiping.
36:27I really do.
36:28But think of that.
36:30Such an expression, a selfless expression of unconditional love for a woman to do that
36:35for you.
36:35And I'm no marriage counselor, but I think that maybe if Lisa Marie Presley had wiped Michael
36:40Jackson's little booty, they might still be together right now.
36:43Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, why are they still together?
36:46Why are they so happy?
36:48Again, I don't know them personally, but I think that maybe there's some TLW going on
36:53there.
36:53Some tender loving wiping.
36:56I hope I've answered some questions tonight.
36:58It was good to address this issue that people have been asking me about the last couple weeks
37:01on Nationwide TV.
37:03I do realize that for people that know Jill and I personally, it may be very hard from
37:08now on to go out to dinner with us ever again without constantly having in your mind a vivid,
37:14unsavory mental image of Jill and me.
37:19Maybe I should have just done the airline stuff.
37:28Good night.
37:29Thanks so much.
37:29I'm done!
37:33I'm done!
37:59Hi, I can fly like an eagle. I can run like the wind. Anything anyone can do, I can do better.
38:20Can you say that? Of course you can't. And do you know why? Because you have no self-confidence.
38:27Hello, I'm Incredible Al Kazdi, author of the self-confidence book, Riding the Lightning Bolt, by the great Al Kazdi.
38:38I guarantee that after reading my book, you will have the self-confidence to tell your boss he's a big goof,
38:44or to tell that high school bully he's a no-brain poo-poo head.
38:49Think about it. How could I have come up with a book on self-confidence if I didn't have the self-confidence to do it in the first place?
38:56Still not convinced? All right. This is my assistant, Bill. Hello, Bill.
39:02Hello, miracle worker Al Kazdi.
39:06Let us now give you an example of how my book works in this very tiny play we put together just for you.
39:11Rona, would you maybe, kind of, like to dance with me?
39:18No way!
39:23How did it go, Pete?
39:26Lousy joke. She shut me down, big time.
39:30That's because you have no self-confidence. Here, read this book by the great Al Kazdi, and then ask her to dance.
39:45I'll do it.
39:47Rona, I'm asking you to dance with me.
39:51No, I don't like to dance. But if I did, I'd certainly do it with someone like you.
39:57See? Do you see? You're probably wondering what's in that book. How can it make me more self-confident?
40:04Well, here are a few helpful hints you'll find in Riding the Lightning Bolt by the great Al Kazdi.
40:10Number one, start your day by humiliating someone weaker than you.
40:15Number two, write my girlfriend or my boyfriend under the pictures of supermodels.
40:21Number three, play games with children, and when necessary, cheat.
40:26Number four, simply lie about your sexual prowess and yearly earnings.
40:32And number five, enter the Special Olympics, and when necessary, cheat.
40:36See? Do you see? It's just that easy. Having self-confidence is just that.
40:45Having the confidence in yourself.
40:48So take a deep breath, make eye contact, fix that posture, and order now, you losers.
40:55Marvelous Val Kazdi demands that you order now.
40:58Just send $700 to Riding the Lightning Bolt, Post Office Box 1109, Los Angeles, California, 90001.
41:06Thank you so much for listening.
41:11A little bit more ako.
41:16Yes!
41:29Thanks a lot, everybody.
41:54It's been a blast.
41:55Thanks for watching MADtv.
41:56I checked out all things.
41:59I checked out all things.
42:04I checked out all things.
42:13Don't do it!
42:14Don't do it!
42:15Don't do it.
42:17You ain't having no doing that.
42:19Don't do it!
42:23Thank you, though.
42:26Woo!
42:29Ha, ha, ha.
42:31Oh, wow!
42:34Good job.
42:35Good job.
42:36Good job, buddy.
42:37You got fighting?
42:43Thanks.
42:44Yeah!
42:45Ha, ha, ha, ha.
42:47Ha, ha, ha.
42:49Ugh!
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