- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 12
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching the TV
00:07Cotton swab.
00:09Not menacing-sounding words, are they?
00:12Not until this happens to your family.
00:26Oh.
00:27Kathy?
00:32Kathy, are you here?
00:33I'm coming, ma'am!
00:35Where have you been, young lady?
00:37I told you, band practice.
00:38Oh, really?
00:39Is that why you left your French horn at home?
00:41Mom, you've been spying on me again.
00:43Kathy, what has gotten into you?
00:45Your friends don't call anymore.
00:47You lost your job at the Frosty Freeze.
00:49You spent all your time in this bathroom.
00:54Oh, my God, no.
00:57Oh, Kathy, you're using cotton swabs again.
01:00How could you do this to your father and me?
01:02You won't tell Dad, will you, Mom?
01:04I can't take this anymore.
01:05You're throwing your life away.
01:07Hey, check it out, sis.
01:09Long-tip pharmaceuticals.
01:11Ma!
01:12Danny?
01:13You've got your brother hooked, too?
01:15I'm holding it for a friend, ma.
01:17Oh, Danny, listen to yourself.
01:19What's going on here?
01:20Nothing.
01:21It's okay, Dad.
01:22What's Danny done now?
01:24Get off my back, Dad.
01:26Kathy's swabbing again, and so is Danny.
01:29Come here, boy.
01:30Let me see your ears.
01:31Ah!
01:32Not a speck of earwax!
01:34Where'd you get the cotton swabs?
01:36Boy, answer me!
01:38From you, Dad.
01:40You got it from your medicine cabinet.
01:42This is your fault for bringing cotton swabs into our house.
01:48Damn you, cotton swabs!
01:51Good morning.
01:53I'm Dr. Philip Larson.
01:55There are three ways to spot swab abuse before it destroys another life.
02:00One, increased sensitivity in hearing.
02:05Two, used cotton swabs left in the toilet.
02:17Three, the use of swab substitutes and earwax deposits left around the house.
02:24If you know someone who exhibits one or more of these symptoms, please do not ignore their silent cry for help.
02:31Call the Cotton Head Hotline at 1-500-555-SUAB.
03:01Sleep中 ph mike.
03:02Tell theăăăăă cărEREU câmb Joe Merencă!
03:03Hudson dândul òreăăăt no îlə�가!
03:04He e zug ape f Dang!
03:06He e băch să uită găbep!
03:07Se acompă o déf顯 vă ță3e!
03:09Aquí o să o dăm.
03:10Dăm!
03:11He e băch să ubărău!
03:12Se acompă fac ră fă de 40 și satiagup!
03:136 hot ră man fără ăgău.
03:14He e băchă și câmpă eu de Brad!
03:15Păi www.căría7e!
03:16Auch
03:16mărbă
03:19fühle interce găspără aúnă fil ρă la curtă!
03:22main fă!
03:23поэтому
03:31If I am watching MADtv
03:35Welcome to MADtv, we hope you enjoy the show
03:50We'll be right back after these messages
03:52Shut up
03:53Brian, no, we're not going to messages, we're starting the show
03:56Well, that's what they say on the other shows
03:58Well, this is different, this is our show
04:00So what am I supposed to say then?
04:01Enjoy the show
04:02Well, then I'll enjoy the show
04:05Enjoy the show
04:06I'm so tired
04:17My eyelids are heavy
04:19I've got a big algebra test today
04:21I'm beat
04:23Hey, man, did I hear you say you was beat?
04:27How did you get in here?
04:28Don't jitty your gray sails
04:30About that, man
04:31Your fuel tank's on like, eee, little brother
04:34What you need is a big old brimming bowl of heart pops
04:38Hey, it looks like coffee
04:41Coffee?
04:42And why are you talking like a nassed-out cop?
04:44Save that supermarket chit-chat for your mom's sewing bee
04:47That's Tanzanian pea berry
04:49Full roasted and like, out of size
04:53Well, I guess
04:54Huh?
04:54I guess
04:55Hey, man, not so much
04:58What are you, L7?
05:01Hey, looks like mom didn't forget to make a deal with a heart pops
05:05I don't talk to me now, boy
05:06I gotta get out of here
05:06I gotta get out of here
05:07I gotta get out of here
05:07I gotta get out of here
05:08I gotta get out of here
05:08I gotta get out of here
05:09Feel it to the rim, huh?
05:10I gotta get out of here
05:11What?
05:11What?
05:12Should be revved up till sundown, hop along
05:15And the heart pops stays crackly crunchy milk
05:18Like I seen the best cereals of my generation
05:21Turned to mush and moo juice, man
05:23And now, get a free goatee in every box
05:26How you doing there, partner?
05:28I'm Kara Wacky for heart pops
05:31Heart pops keeps you on the road and howling all day
05:40And a man told me I'm supposed to tell you
05:43That if your belly's bulging with a bundle full of baby
05:46Well, heart pops would be like front page bad news
05:51Heart pops is a bowl full of beans
05:54Ferlinghetti yourself, son
05:56An important part of this complete naked brunch
05:59Hey, man!
06:00Where's the bathroom in this place?
06:16You are now watching the TV
06:20What's up?
06:26Martin, are you ready to go to the Lincoln Memorial?
06:42Am I ready?
06:44Am I ready?
06:45Look at this, girl
06:46Bam! Bam!
06:48Ha!
06:48Ha!
06:48Ha!
06:49Ha!
06:49Ha!
06:49Ha!
06:49Ha!
06:50Ha!
06:50Ha!
06:51Ha!
06:51Ha!
06:52Ha!
06:53Ha!
06:54Ha!
06:55Ha!
06:56Ha!
06:57Ha!
06:58Ha!
06:59Ha!
07:00Ha!
07:01Ha!
07:02Ha!
07:04Do you want to Jasper, who quitlon clothes?
07:05You did?
07:06Who freed the slaves?
07:08Now that was Lincoln
07:09And I always thought that was a good idea
07:11Morgan did you, or did you not write your speech?
07:12Baby, of course I did
07:13Tommy
07:13Ha!
07:15Ha!
07:16Ha!
07:17Ha!
07:18Ha!
07:19Ha!
07:20Ha!
07:21Ha!
07:22Ha!
07:23Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's it? That's your speech? What's up?
07:31You know that's right.
07:34You know, Malcolm X was right about you.
07:37Oh, no, no, no. Don't give me no Malcolm X.
07:40Two weeks ago that brother was eating pork and dating white women.
07:44Martin, if you don't sit your butt down right now and write that speech,
07:48you are getting no service at my lunch counter and I don't care how long you sit in.
07:53Oh, so I guess it's like that now, huh, Coretta?
07:57Oh, I guess I'm just some little dog to come a-jumpin' when you snap your fingers.
08:02No, girl. No, no. You know what?
08:05Cause I'm the man. I'm the reverend. I wear the color up in here.
08:08And if you waiting for me to turn my mind around just cause you wave your little something something,
08:11you're gonna be waiting a while, girl.
08:16Three, two, one.
08:19Oh, Coretta, damn. Come on, baby. What am I supposed to tell these people?
08:23Tommy, man, help me.
08:25Martin, you gotta grab them in the opening, bruh.
08:28Now, you already got what's up. You're gonna end with amen.
08:31All you need to do is fill in the middle.
08:33Yeah.
08:34No, no, no, no. See, if you think that's the way to write a speech, y'all must be dreaming.
08:39That's it, man. Talk about your dreams.
08:41Oh, yeah, man. Like that one I had about me and Eartha Kitt in the back of that bus.
08:46You hear that one, too? She was winning that ministry?
08:48Tommy, how come your right brain and your left brain are separate but so equally stupid?
08:52I take it you want me to leave.
08:56Coretta, what am I supposed to do now?
08:58Martin, look, I know I have a dream.
09:01That one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.
09:06Oh, that's good.
09:09And one day, out in the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners
09:15will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
09:19Oh, preach on, girl.
09:20And that our children will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
09:26Oh, that's it. That's the bomb. I love you, girl. I am free at last. Free at last.
09:33Say, Coretta, can I still open with...
09:37What's up?
09:38Long in. Now, what's up? You don't get it.
09:40I'm free at last.
10:03No.
10:16I'm free at last.
10:18Oh, sure.
10:20I'm free at last.
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:23Oh, man.
10:24Naked, you are as small and delicate as your palm.
10:40Curved within the sunlight, pink.
10:42You will always be mine.
10:44Oh, God.
10:48Yes, Penelope?
10:50Oh, nothing, Professor Hume.
10:52Oh, God.
10:54All right, let's hear your assignments.
10:57Who'd like to begin?
10:58Oh, excuse me.
11:00My poem is entitled, My Poetry Professor.
11:08I sit in your classroom wondering if you'll ever hear me say,
11:13I love you, poetry professor.
11:16By the clear light of the sea, I wonder, will you ever hear me say,
11:20I love you, poetry professor.
11:22By the warm light of a candle, I wonder, will you ever hear me say,
11:27I love you, poetry professor.
11:33Nice.
11:33Thank you, poetry professor, I mean, Professor Hume.
11:40Alison, you seem to be going for something on an emotional level.
11:43I don't get it.
11:46Try and connect with your subject a little more, okay?
11:48Oh, okay, I'll try.
11:53Ah, Lindsay.
11:57My poem is a haiku.
11:59Great.
12:00Thank you, Professor Hume.
12:01My love for you melts like a spring snow in the garden.
12:08I love you, I love you, Professor Hume.
12:15Lindsay, there were too many syllables.
12:18Haikus are five, seven, five.
12:21Yes, Penelope.
12:28I want you so bad, poetry professor.
12:32I want you to swip me so hard, my luscious poetry professor.
12:38You make me so hot.
12:40Ooh, I'm the sassy preacher, and you're the poetry teacher.
12:45I am burning to perform steamy, sensuous acts of lust and passion with you, poetry professor.
12:52Take me now, take me right here, in front of the whole class, Professor Hume.
12:58Oh, God.
13:03Nice.
13:04Weren't too many clichés, I think.
13:07Let's hear from one of the fellows, shall we?
13:11Angus.
13:14My poem is entitled, It's Over.
13:18Oh.
13:23Poetry professor, you've taught me many things of passion and of lust.
13:29But now me wife waits for me, and I must go back to her and beg her forgiveness.
13:36It's over, poetry professor.
13:40Okay.
13:43Fine.
13:44I'm sorry, I have something caught my eye.
13:49Um, you know what, class is dismissed early today.
13:55Angus, uh, could I speak with you for a moment to discuss your poem?
13:58Surely you owe me that.
14:02Don't you, Angus?
14:05All right, but we're keeping the door open.
14:06Yeah.
14:07Good job.
14:09Good job, guys.
14:09Good job.
14:10You are welcome.
14:11Good job.
14:11Good job.
14:26Good job.
14:27Where are those killers from San Quentin, man?
14:47They were supposed to be here, man.
14:49The job was supposed to go down today.
14:53Yo.
14:54Yo.
14:55Yo.
14:57Yo.
15:08Say, who's got the choking toilet?
15:10See this?
15:11Yeah.
15:14What are you laughing at?
15:20Yo, man, I ain't never seen no pimp slapping like that before.
15:24Must be seeing my Ike Turner's boys, you know what I'm saying?
15:26Yeah, this is white boys slowing up off Flo.
15:30Y'all gonna take him out.
15:31Take him out where?
15:34What do you think he means, you moron?
15:36We're gonna have to kill somebody.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Hold up.
15:39Hold up, though.
15:40The job pays ten G's.
15:45Ten G's?
15:46What do you want?
15:47Between your eyes, in your ears, or the white eyes?
15:49I'll kill him.
15:50I'll kill him.
15:51I'll kill him.
15:52I'll kill him.
15:53Oh, yeah.
15:54Oh, yeah.
16:03I'm assuming you gentlemen are strapped, right?
16:05Of course, Mia.
16:06Quiet, porcupine.
16:07Take this.
16:08Here's a joint.
16:09No problem, boss.
16:10Come on, homies.
16:11Shake a leg.
16:12Don't mind if I do?
16:13Oh, chicken.
16:14Come on, you.
16:15You're setting back the race.
16:16Come on, Ma.
16:17It's just chicken.
16:18No more gin and juice.
16:19Why, you in the zit wits.
16:20Now we're gonna have to rob a liquor store.
16:21Oh!
16:22Oh!
16:23Oh!
16:24Rupert, would you please put the cocaine in your room where it belongs?
16:27Oh!
16:28Oh!
16:29Oh!
16:30Oh!
16:31Oh!
16:32Oh!
16:33Oh!
16:34Oh!
16:35Oh!
16:36Oh!
16:37Oh!
16:38Oh!
16:39Oh!
16:40Oh!
16:41Oh!
16:42Oh!
16:43Oh!
16:44Oh!
16:45Oh!
16:46Oh!
16:47Oh!
16:48Uh, humsverence.
16:53Mother, it's a party.
16:54If you weren't such a successful multi-billionaire drug dealer,
16:55I'd throw you out of this house.
16:56Uh,
16:58remember Moomsy,
16:59I own this house.
17:01I'll be good.
17:06Okay.
17:08Let's spread out and find this guy.
17:12No-mm.
17:14Monte-
17:15Don't mind if I do.
17:16Get your own!
17:18Sir, you're kinda cute. Wanna jump on my jimmy?
17:22Well, I never!
17:23That's your problem!
17:28May I?
17:29Certainly!
17:37Rupert, tell me again, what's going to happen when you sell all your cocaine?
17:42Well, I'll use you for another couple of months, and then I'll leave you in some third-world cesspool with no money and no way to get home.
17:51I have two more months left.
17:53Yes, you do.
17:55Hey, that's the white boy we gotta take out!
17:59Well, don't just stand there. Smoke him!
18:01Smoke!
18:02Smoke him!
18:05Get out there, you!
18:09Hey, what the hell is this?
18:11It's payback for the brothers who ripped off!
18:17Well, get him!
18:20Pardon me. You got something on your face.
18:29Well, do something!
18:41No, no, no, no, no! My cocaine!
18:47Woo!
18:48Ah!
18:52Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
18:55What the...?
19:02I'm sorry, Cuomo. I'm sorry.
19:05No odd feelings. Could happen to anybody.
19:08Really?
19:10Baby Pop!
19:25Penelope! Where have you been, my sweet?
19:29I love you!
19:45It's time to send you Stooges back to Cogden!
19:49C-O-D!
19:55C-O-D!
19:59C-O-D!
20:01C-O-D!
20:04C-O-D!
20:06C-O-D!
20:16Wow! Those must have been the real killers!
20:19Yeah. They drive by and shoot!
20:23Well, it's a good thing they missed us!
20:25C-O-D!
20:27C-O-D!
20:29C-O-D!
20:31C-O-D!
20:33C-O-D!
20:35C-O-D!
20:37C-O-D!
20:39C-O-D!
20:41C-O-D!
20:51C-O-D!
20:54C-O-D!
20:55C-O-D!
20:56C-O-D!
20:58coming up on mad tv mom come quick dad's having a heart attack mark what's all the shouty oh oh
21:07my goodness what's happened to your father he grabs a bowl of pretzels and he smacks it over
21:12his head it just makes me want to jump out of a window or just shoot myself and no painkillers
21:19from me oh my heart oh my god dad are you okay mom come quick dad's having a heart attack mark
21:37what's all the shouting oh oh my goodness what's happened to your father and cut oh that was a good
21:44one not one flub okay that was good joel look you're having a heart attack so you probably
21:49shouldn't be smiling okay oh yeah okay realism that's what we're looking for on rescue 9-1-1 okay
21:54realism all right all right so you two just remember act the way you acted when joel had
21:59you know i i'm sorry i'm probably a little nervous we've never been on tv before that yeah we're
22:04virgins be gentle oh you're a caution i'm a caution okay she's the one is everybody good luck good luck
22:12to you and action oh my heart oh my god dad are you okay mom come quit dad's having a heart attack
22:22mark mark i'm fine i'm fine oh he's acting he's good isn't he good you know when he was two he did
22:30the cutest little naked dance do that for the director mom folks i have to be in des moines
22:36tonight okay so the quicker we can do this the quicker you can get back to your lives okay okay
22:40okay okay places he's got a lot to do and action oh does anyone want pie oh she makes great pie
22:52hot i don't like to toot my own horn thad but i make the crust from scratch she does and we've got
22:57a ton in the freezer anyone who wants blackberry rhubarb peach we got it all no no no thank you joel
23:02connie you interrupted the scene oh geez louise can't you just rewind the tape we do that with
23:09the camcorder hey joel you know remember that time mark bent over he wasn't wearing any underwear
23:14well i do mom can we just do this please hey don't you use that tongue with your mother that is the
23:20sas tone look at him he gets a little time in front of the camera he thinks he's a regular robert
23:24wagner but you know they call robert rj dad have you ever worked with rj ever worked with him folks folks
23:29can can can we just try to do this you got it chief thank you what are you doing watch watch
23:36what are you doing you watch what i do and action
23:43what in the hell was that i was doing something from the video we saw last week what was the name
23:51of it oh footloops no no no no the one with the uh the martians oh the star wars yeah i was doing
23:55chewbacca can i do that no i could do a character too like meryl streep with an accent chewbacca ain't
24:03my baby oh can we do that no you're not my parents no you're not my parents i hate you i hate you
24:09i hate you damn it mark do you want a red bottom you people are just oh oh look oh he's showing us how
24:20it's done watch and learn joe oh no he's doing fred sanford call mom what what oh sure the name of the
24:27show no he's doing chewbacca so what'd you do last night huh not how much watch tv yeah not me
24:47no sir i got laid last night like nobody's business really yeah really let me tell you about
24:55the first woman i did it with last night what are you looking at trying to tell a story to my friend
25:02here so this woman has got breaths out to here they're right out to freaking here am i talking to
25:10you i don't think i'm talking to you thank you can i help you too
25:17so anyway me and this chick are buck naked rolling around on the cold tiles in a women's bathroom
25:26when another woman comes in and starts joining in right so i'm like
25:31can i have a private conversation here please
25:40where was i oh yeah i'm like
25:44and uh a third woman comes in and uh get this i said get this she's wearing nothing but one boot
25:56nosey turn around nosey nosey's turning around
26:01so uh this cop comes by right and he he starts banging at the door he's banging at the door
26:11and then he uh he busts the door down and he he starts sticking himself with a fork
26:17he's just sticking himself with a fork and then he he grabs a sword shaker and he smelt no
26:23he uh he he he grabs a bowl of pretzels and he smacks it over his head and and then he goes
26:30off like a siren he starts going excuse me looky looks mind your own business
26:39hey gordy time for another set all right thanks a lot checkers listen i'll talk to you later all right
26:47i'm sorry about these people okay everybody we're back this one goes out to all the lovers in the crowd
26:57you made me love you i did what the hell are you looking at
27:04you want to mind your own business i'm trying to play a song here
27:08i didn't want to do it i guess hello
27:13you made me love you
27:20you
27:22you
27:24you
27:26you
27:28you
27:30you
27:32you
27:34you
27:36you
27:38you
27:40you
28:05you
28:10you
28:16so is this your first visit to the center eileen
28:18yes i i tried to od on painkillers
28:23oh i've been there eileen it's okay when did you first think of taking your life
28:29when i lost my job
28:32it's okay eileen you are not alone
28:35so humiliating
28:36Tell me about it. My old job, I was making six figures. Okay, five, but with a really great dental plan. And now I'm here. I mean, my life is totally tanked. I'm barely clearing 14 grand, and I got to deal with all these nutcases. Present company excluded.
28:55So, do you have a family? Well... Call me Marcy. Okay. I'm so depressed that my children don't want to be around me, and my husband left me. Yep, happened to me. I will never forget it. I come home from the gym one morning, and there's moving men in our bedroom packing Hank's stuff.
29:18Like, that's his little passive-aggressive way of telling me it's over. Six years! Six years! I knew I should have slept with Donnie. Donnie was the best man. Donnie had some shoulders. I'm at a bad time. Maybe I should come back later.
29:33I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All I was trying to say is that I know what you are going through. Thank you. Okay. Anyway, it's just harder and harder to get up in the morning.
29:47You know the thing about Donnie. Now, this is interesting. Go with me. Donnie had the most intense blue eyes. God, why didn't I marry him?
29:54Sometimes, you know, when I think about it, it just makes me want to jump out of a window or just shoot myself. Ah! No painkillers for me. Ah!
30:07I'm sorry. How are your children handling this transitional period?
30:11I was trying to tell you. My kids loved me. I'm all alone.
30:17Look at you. Look at you. Don't you think I want children? I want children, you know. Oh, my children. Look, I don't blame them. You drive them away with this whiny thing you do. Oh, my eyes been left me. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself with pills.
30:33Listen to me, lady, okay? Pills don't cut it. All they do is get you a free vacation in the hospital. Then you're back here whining to me. I mean, grow up and get a gun.
30:42Oh! I have to go. Oh, fine. No, go. You go. You walk out that door.
30:49Just like Hank and all the other men who have loved me. I'm so sorry. Don't go. Don't go. I'd stay, but I have to go pick up food stamps.
31:03Well, when am I gonna see you again? I'm sorry. I can't. I need to see you. Okay. How about tomorrow at 12?
31:1310. 10. Okay. 10 o'clock. See you then. Okay. Thank you, Eileen. That's what we're here for.
31:33What the hell is the name of that song? Man, am I tired. It's double overtime for me. Come on, come on.
31:43Order a footlong, baby. It'll last longer. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
31:50What the? What's that? A monkey brain? Nah. No, that ain't a monkey brain. Much better choice. Much better choice, baby.
32:02That reminds me. Gotta get my blue suit out of the cleaners. Come on already. It's 10 o'clock. You're five minutes late.
32:09Who are you fooling? You don't know how to read. I am my own. That head is from outer space.
32:17I ought to do him a favor and put him out of his misery. Sheesh. Ass itches. Gotta eat more bran.
32:25Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. What is the name of that freaking song? All morning with that.
32:35Hello, I'm the Tooth Fairy. I deliver salt water taffy to all the children of the land.
32:41Probably stuck on the same word. I gotta shoot something. Can't shoot the flag. That's blasphemous.
32:47Whoa. Hello. That wakes me up. Mama. You know what I'm thinking, huh? Yeah, you little mind reader?
32:56What I wouldn't give for a night with you. Damn. My wedding anniversary. Brenna's gonna kill me.
33:03Tony can get me a tennis bracelet. He owes me one for that son-in-law problem I took care of.
33:08Bingo. Five foot eight. Sunglasses. Trench coat. Shoulder bag briefcase. Always gets a plain hot dog for breakfast.
33:22Steamed bun.
33:28Afternoon delight.
33:31That's the name of that damn song.
33:33Next week on MADtv.
33:38All righty then.
33:40All righty then.
33:42We had a hard day.
33:44Or what?
33:45The sample is unlike anything I've ever seen before. It's not human.
33:56You are not watching the TV.
33:58Helen?
34:04Hmm?
34:05Do you love me?
34:06Of course I love you.
34:08Do you really love me?
34:10Yeah, I really love you.
34:14Just checking.
34:16Look, I'm gonna get some water. Can I get you something?
34:19I'm okay.
34:20Are you sure?
34:21Yeah?
34:22Yeah?
34:26Helen, are you gonna be here when I get back?
34:28I'll be here.
34:32No, really, Helen.
34:33Are you gonna be here when I get back?
34:36Yeah, I'll be here.
34:37What will you be doing while I'm gone?
34:39I'll just be reading the paper.
34:41One article or the whole paper?
34:44Well, I hadn't really thought about it.
34:47I'm sorry.
34:48Look, I can go to the kitchen.
34:49Are you sure you don't want anything?
34:50Nope, I'm fine.
34:51Cup of tea?
34:52Nope.
34:53Slim Jim?
34:54I've got some s'mores.
34:55No, I'm fine.
34:58Helen, tell me what to do.
35:01You don't need to do a thing.
35:02Okay, okay, then tell me what to stop doing, Helen.
35:04Please.
35:05Oh, please, Helen.
35:07Please.
35:08Wallace.
35:08Wallace.
35:09Wallace, why don't you go to the bathroom,
35:11get your water, and I'll be right here.
35:15You'll be right here?
35:16Mm-hmm.
35:16When I get back?
35:17Mm-hmm.
35:18No!
35:37No!
35:39Whoa!
35:41Whoa!
35:41Oh.
35:41I'm too high!
35:43Oh.
35:43Oh, Helen, I thought you'd love me forever.
35:53You were just how I remember you.
35:57That's sweet.
35:59Now, let's go to bed.
36:01Okay.
36:13Helen, are you dreaming about leaving me?
36:19Helen, are you dreaming?
36:21Helen!
36:23Helen!
36:35You just got back from your grandfather's funeral, huh?
36:37Yeah.
36:38Your grandpa was a nice guy.
36:40Thanks.
36:41God knows what that undertaker did to make his complexion so gray.
36:45Honey, our party's a disaster.
36:47You're telling me I think we discovered the cure for insomnia.
36:51Wasn't it Dickens?
36:52Honey, this'll make everyone charming.
36:54It's new and improved instant personality.
36:56Why, just a couple of drops in everyone's drink,
36:58and voila, everyone's got a bubbly, sassy, fun personality.
37:02Come on, hon, start pouring the instant personality.
37:06A toast to, uh, good friends.
37:09Bottoms up.
37:11Sacré bleu!
37:16I love the Jerry Lewis!
37:18Thank you, instant personality.
37:20Ay caramba!
37:21Watch up, because senorita personality is here!
37:26Hey, who wants to play surfer boy?
37:27Nothing like sex between two straight guys, huh?
37:30Come on, hon, let's join the hotel.
37:32Well, you know I love a cowboy.
37:34So make your next party an instant personality party.
37:40The makers of instant personality are not legally responsible for any of the following affections of smelling, swallowing, or ingesting of instant personality.
37:48Inexplicable shaking of the extremities, clinical depression, uncontrollable projectile vomiting, instant morbid obesity, the instantaneous disintegration of bones, teeth movement, the loosening of internal organs, or non-intercourse pregnancy.
38:01Try instant personality at your next party.
38:03You're gonna love it.
38:04Amen!
38:09Amen!
38:09Amen!
38:11Amen!
38:13Amen!
38:15Amen!
38:15Come on!
38:16Yes!
38:17And yes!
38:17Come on!
38:18Come on!
38:19Amen!
38:20Mr. Dunlop, Ron Daly to see you.
38:33Send him in.
38:40Have a seat, Ron.
38:41Thank you, sir.
38:43Ron, you've been doing excellent work in our research department and don't think it's gone unnoticed.
38:47Well, I do my best, sir.
38:48The bottom line is, I'm looking for a new personal assistant, and I think you just might be my man.
38:53Wow. I don't know what to say, sir.
38:55Well, I haven't made my decision yet, Ron.
38:56Yes, of course. Of course.
38:58This will be a huge step for you here at Hyperchip Computers.
39:01Put you on the fast track for management.
39:03Think you can handle that, son?
39:04Yes, sir. I think... I know I can't sit.
39:06I didn't know you had a dog, sir.
39:08Yeah, I do.
39:09Patches, come here, girl.
39:11She is great, isn't she?
39:13My wife and I went to the hardware store last weekend, and she just followed us home.
39:18Think you can handle it. Think you can handle it all.
39:20Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
39:22You like her, don't you? Don't you? Don't you? Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?
39:24Come on, Ron. She wants you to pet her.
39:31So tell me, Ron, how can you streamline this office and make it run more efficiently?
39:34Well, sir, I think, first of all, the most important thing about anything...
39:39Oh, look. She brought you a present.
39:44Sir, can I ask you a question?
39:45Of course. Anything.
39:46Is this some kind of a test?
39:48Test?
39:49Patches! Down, girl! Patches off the couch this instant!
39:53So come on, Ron.
39:55Talk to me.
39:56Well, sir, first of all, I think we could increase efficiency by streamlining the requisition process.
40:03Why not channel all requests through one manager?
40:06This would cut down on waste and eliminate redundancy.
40:08Of course. Of course.
40:08I also think we should have a team of health in the recycling program.
40:13She's chewing on my shoe, sir! It's Italian!
40:15Patches! Bad girl! Bad girl!
40:19I'm sorry. We'll reimburse you.
40:20She gets awfully frisky sometimes, doesn't she?
40:22She is a human, sir.
40:28She sure acts like one, doesn't she?
40:31You're a human, girl. You go sloppy human. Yes, you are.
40:36Slip to my wife and I every night, head on the pillow and everything.
40:40Well, Ron, I think I made my decision.
40:42Congratulations, son.
40:43I knew you'd be excited.
40:46Ron, I can't tell you how great it is to have another dog lover around.
40:49As your first official duty, I'm sure you won't mind taking Patches out for a nice, long walk.
40:56Of course, sir.
40:57Oh, and Ron.
41:01You'll need this.
41:03It's the law now, son.
41:06Patches, be a good girl.
41:08Take care of my dog, Ron.
41:09Well, that is all the time we have this week.
41:25We'll be right back after these messages.
41:28No, no, Ron.
41:28The show is over.
41:29We'll be back next week.
41:31Next week.
41:32Thanks for watching.
41:33Good night, Jim.
41:34Kiss the cockroach.
41:34Come on.
41:35Come on.
41:36Come on.
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