MADtv S02E15

Mad TV

Season 2 Episode 15  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:01On the next MADtv...

00:03As you see, there's only room for one picture.

00:05So, the two of you will have to fight to the death.

00:08Bobcat Goldthwait takes a swing at being Employee of the Month.

00:12Fry's arrow!

00:14And an eye-opening science show.

00:17Although they look cute and cuddly, you are never ever to try and touch one.

00:22What did I just tell you?

00:23Who'd have thunk it?

00:25Next on MADtv...

00:26You are not watching MADtv.

00:32You are not watching MADtv.

00:36May!

00:40Lowering expectations.

00:45Are you desirably impaired?

00:47Do you find yourself serving punch at parties?

00:49Would you describe yourself as shy, old-fashioned, not on anyone's A-list?

00:53Is your ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality?

00:59Well, unless you win the lottery, you're never going to land that reason.

01:04But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody.

01:07And that's why lowered expectations may be for you.

01:09Our video library is packed with thousands of chronically rejected singles just like you.

01:16Connie, number 504.

01:19Hi, I'm Connie.

01:21I love to live life to the fullest.

01:23I love people and parties.

01:26I love adventure, fun.

01:28I love frolicking in the surf with a man I love.

01:32Just the two of us, ready to enter a new world of erotic and sensual pleasure.

01:36Teach me everything you know.

01:39But if you do anything, and I mean anything to betray my trust, have an affair, or arrive for our lunch date 20 minutes late, you will pay.

01:53And you will pay dearly.

01:54I will make your pathetic little life a living hell!

02:02Just setting the boundaries early.

02:05So call me up.

02:07I'm Connie.

02:08Love ya.

02:10For Connie, press pound 504.

02:24Come on.

02:25Come on.

02:26Yeah.

02:27Yeah.

02:28Come on.

02:29Come on.

02:30Yeah.

02:31Yeah.

02:32Come on.

02:33Come on.

02:34Man.

02:36You're so.

02:38Man.

02:39Crazy.

02:42Man.

02:47Man.

02:52Man.

02:53Man.

02:54Man.

02:55Man.

02:56Man.

02:57Man.

02:58Man.

02:59Man.

03:00Man.

03:01Man.

03:02Man.

03:03Man.

03:04Man.

03:05Man.

03:06Man.

03:07Man.

03:08Man.

03:09Man.

03:10Man.

03:11Man.

03:12Man.

03:13Man.

03:14Man.

03:15Man.

03:16Man.

03:17Man.

03:18Man.

03:19Man.

03:20Man.

03:21Man.

03:22Man.

03:23to present Mr. Bobcat Goldthwaite.

03:39Thank you!

03:45Hi, thank you, um, good evening, um...

03:49Maybe I should explain a bit about the, uh, California penal system, um...

03:55You see, I got in trouble for accidentally setting The Tonight Show on fire.

04:01Um, you know, could happen to anyone.

04:05I got fined $4,000, and then I was put on probation for three years.

04:09Uh, this was a fire that was put out with a cup of water.

04:14It's a good thing Jimi Hendrix never played Burbank.

04:16And, uh, and Leno was a very big help in the police report.

04:21He-he was quoted going,

04:23You know, you know, I was-I was really scared.

04:25I was, uh, I was frightened for my life.

04:31When he really gets going, he sounds like Dino.

04:39So, I'm here tonight.

04:41Um, that's why I'm on MADtv, because, well, this is part of my community service obligation.

04:49So, uh, bear with me.

04:50Uh, here it goes.

04:56Hey, fire looks cool, but it's really quite hot.

05:00So, remember, nobody wins when they play with matches.

05:06Fire safety is responsible of everyone.

05:09And that's a tip from your old friend's podcast.

05:12Oh, boy, can you smell that?

05:25What a load of hooey.

05:28I'm glad I have my boots on.

05:31Pretty thick in here.

05:33Um, Bobcat Goldthwait for fire safety.

05:36That's like, uh, Kelsey Grammer telling you not to drink and drive.

05:39If you don't mind, I'd like to do one my way.

05:52You know, fire is very dangerous.

05:55But, um, if you need me to tell you that, um, you're a moron, John.

06:01You're an idiot.

06:03Play with all the fire you want.

06:04I don't care.

06:05Go ahead, stick your head in a volcano.

06:07Why don't you blind fall yourself, grab a pair of scissors,

06:12hop in a trash bag, and go run in front of a speeding train.

06:17There's 11 million people in this city,

06:19and, well, that's too many for me.

06:22Every one of you that dies is one less chucklehead

06:24that'll grow up and cut me off in traffic.

06:26Let's get Mother Nature back into the game.

06:36It's time to thin out the herd.

06:38Natural selection.

06:40It's only natural.

06:41Now that's a message from your old friend, Bobcat.

06:44Check it around.

06:53Um, we got a great show,

06:55and I've got some more trash to go pick up.

06:57It's like a simple move.

07:08Imagine, like, 50 legs, I guess.

07:12See, now that doesn't look so good now,

07:13but, like, if you have the rest of my dancers,

07:15that I have a crew.

07:16You are now watching Mad TV.

07:23Hi, everybody.

07:25I'm Bobcat Goldthwait.

07:26Remember, seat belts keep you from getting out of a flaming car.

07:33And don't forget to have a belt before you fasten your belts.

07:38Let's thin out the herd together.

07:42Bobcat Goldthwait, the natural selection.

07:44It's only now.

07:46Bye to your partner, your corner too,

07:52then stand right there,

07:53because we're not through.

07:58Thank you, everybody.

07:59Now I'd like to bring out my husband,

08:01the other half of Tilly and his tall,

08:03Charlie Tilly.

08:04Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

08:10Circle to the left.

08:14Here's a little tune from the wife and me.

08:16All about his last drunken spree.

08:18He got a little tanked on barley and hops,

08:20and you can see it on his Friday's car.

08:22Swing your partner.

08:24Then swing your corner and take her on home.

08:26Take this lady home with you.

08:28And commit a little adulteroo.

08:30That wasn't me.

08:31How's it work?

08:32Oh, who are you kidding, you stupid jerk?

08:34Addleman left with a right and left ram.

08:36I got a little tired of using my hand.

08:38If you gave me loving like a woman should,

08:40I wouldn't be proud in the neighborhood.

08:42And O.C. Doe.

08:43She's a floozy hoe.

08:44Oh, what do you know?

08:46Then swing new girl and take her on home.

08:48I'm getting my lawyer on the phone.

08:50The liquor was talking to me that night.

08:52Everybody element right.

08:54How do you rock and O.C. Doe?

08:56Clean them out financially.

08:57Oh, jeez, honey.

08:59A man's got to have some fun

09:00when he's dying of a liver tumor.

09:08Tumor, tumor, heard a rumor.

09:10Right and left ram with a sense of humor.

09:12Just like you to avoid the issue.

09:14Oh, what do you want me to do now?

09:16Kiss you?

09:16Bow to your partner, your quarter too?

09:18Charlie and I are officially through.

09:20Circle to the left, honey.

09:21Don't say bye.

09:22I'll let you sleep with a cable guy.

09:24Already stepped ahead of you

09:26because I'm doing the milk band doodly noon.

09:28Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

09:30Hold it just a sweet minute here.

09:32Did I just hear what I thought I heard?

09:34Yeah, I said it and I meant it.

09:36Doodly do?

09:38Honey, couldn't you come up with a better rhyme than that?

09:41Honey, you know you're the rhyme king.

09:43What would you have said?

09:44Oh, now, baby, baby, baby, baby.

09:47Here's what I would have done.

09:49In sunny, fair, stormy weather,

09:52next time we swing, let's do it together.

09:54Oh, Charlie!

09:55Hey, bring it all home now, baby!

09:58Bring it all home now, baby!

09:59Bring it all home now, baby!

09:59Thank you!

10:09First of all, I'd like to say

10:10how proud I am of both of you.

10:12You're two of my best workers.

10:13And that's why you've both been named

10:15Burger Nation Employee of the Month.

10:18All right!

10:20Thank you so much, Mr. Childress.

10:22Yeah, thanks, Mr. Childress.

10:24Oh, Todd, I couldn't have done it without you.

10:27He was backing me up during the lunch rush

10:29and helping me lift all those heavy bags

10:31of frozen french fries.

10:34Are you kidding?

10:35If it wasn't for you,

10:35I'd still be burning pies

10:37and spilling the shake mix.

10:39Oh, well, our hard work finally paid off.

10:43We made it!

10:44You know it, baby!

10:45Oh, Todd!

10:47Now, as you both know,

10:50we put a picture of the Employee of the Month

10:52up on the Burger Nation Wall of Dignity and Pride.

11:00But as you see,

11:01there's only room for one picture,

11:03so that means that the two of you

11:05will have to fight to the death.

11:07Oh, Mr. Childress,

11:18you are a hoot!

11:24Oh, you're not kidding, are you?

11:29Only the strongest get to be

11:30Burger Nation Employee of the Month.

11:33But, uh, but, uh, Mr. Childress,

11:35um, I learned in my civics class

11:37that, uh, killing is wrong.

11:41Really?

11:41Well, I guess you don't want to be

11:43Employee of the Month bad enough,

11:44do you, Todd?

11:45Uh, of course I do,

11:47but I'm not gonna kill Audrey Ford.

11:49She's my friend.

11:53Well, you better kill me, Burger Boy,

11:56or you are dead, Mitch.

11:58That's the spirit.

11:59On my signal, go.

12:02Audrey, um, uh,

12:03don't do this.

12:05Ready, set,

12:08Audrey,

12:15don't make me hurt you.

12:20That, that, that,

12:21that was a good one.

12:27Easy, easy.

12:28Calm down, girl.

12:29Audrey, calm down.

12:31If you want to be

12:31Employee of the Month,

12:32you can have it,

12:34you can have it, okay?

12:35Because if I have to kill for it,

12:37I don't want it.

12:39I quit.

12:41You can't quit.

12:42but you're in too deep.

12:43God!

12:51That's it, Pearl!

12:53Fries are up!

12:57Do it, Todd.

12:59Do it,

13:00and you will be

13:01Employee of the Month.

13:03My God!

13:13What have I become?

13:15Come on, Todd,

13:16now's your chance!

13:17I won't do it,

13:18Mr. Childress!

13:21I can't do it.

13:23There is no can't

13:24at Burger Nation.

13:25Sorry.

13:28You're going to have

13:29to find yourself

13:29another patsy.

13:31Oh.

13:34The Employee of the Month

13:35should embody the best,

13:37most noble elements

13:38of mankind.

13:39The Employee of the Month

13:40can't be a killer.

13:43When I think

13:44about what you wanted me to do

13:45to this sweet, old lady...

13:47Oh!

13:47So then,

13:55how's that,

13:56Mr. Childress?

13:57Excellent, Audrey.

13:58You are truly

14:00the Employee of the Month.

14:01Oh!

14:03Now, just clean up this mess

14:04and get to work

14:05on that Help Wanted sign.

14:07Hell no!

14:08I'm on my break!

14:09Oh!

14:17This season is great.

14:22Now, it doesn't pick up

14:22male TV,

14:23but it does pick up

14:23soap operas

14:24and you get bored

14:24from behind the stage.

14:26There are a couple

14:26of good ones right now

14:27and Susan is about

14:28to have a baby,

14:29but it's not Brad,

14:29it's Cliff's.

14:30Maid!

14:43Hi, everybody!

14:44I'm Bobcat Goldthwait.

14:46You call this

14:47a fork.

14:49I call it

14:50a toast extractor.

14:54And don't forget,

14:55it also works

14:56in the tub.

14:57Bobcat Goldthwait

14:58for natural selection.

14:59It's only natural.

15:10Stuart,

15:11time to wake up.

15:12Surprise.

15:15Oh!

15:17Oh, my God, Dina.

15:19Hey there, wildcat.

15:21Wow, what a night.

15:23Yeah.

15:24Well, I guess this means

15:26we're lesbians, huh?

15:29Woo!

15:29That was great, wasn't it?

15:30I feel so free now.

15:32I feel so, uh, hungover.

15:35You want a cigarette?

15:37No, thanks.

15:38Love her.

15:39Oh, damn.

15:40Ouch.

15:40Well, everything looks the same.

15:44Why wouldn't it look the same?

15:46I don't know.

15:46I just thought that now that I'm a lesbian,

15:48things might look different, you know?

15:51Listen, Dina, I'm not sure we're full-fledged lesbians now,

15:54you know?

15:54I think we're just out having a couple drinks and, uh...

15:57We danced with Sweet Saffo all night long

16:00without having to worry about birth control.

16:03Ugh, I'm gonna get one of those cute, spiky haircuts.

16:06Or do you want to be the butch?

16:07Oh, no, no.

16:08It took me three years to grow this out.

16:10You're right.

16:10You make a better femme.

16:11Yeah.

16:11Hey, you can be my little lipstick lesbian.

16:13Huh?

16:15Woo!

16:15We're sisters.

16:16Hey!

16:17Come on, we're hipper than hip.

16:19Yeah?

16:20Let's cuddle woman to woman.

16:21No, no.

16:22Um, actually, I don't want to.

16:24You know, Dina, I think I was really drunk last night,

16:26and I think it was kind of like a one-time thing.

16:29Um, I like penises.

16:33They make me smile.

16:37Well, we can always get a male dog.

16:39Oh, well, that wasn't necessary.

16:42Hey, let's call your parents.

16:43No!

16:44You're right.

16:45Let's surprise them and march in a parade.

16:47No, Dina, I'm pretty sure that, um, I'm a straight woman.

16:51You're talking like a breeder now.

16:53I am a breeder, I think.

16:57So does this mean I don't have the softest skin you've ever felt?

17:00Oh, no, no, you do.

17:01Of course, I've always said that about you.

17:03It's just that I think I like rough skin, you know?

17:08Katie, you can't hide behind this denial.

17:11I mean, lesbianism.

17:13You and me, we'll get a cottage, grow vegetables,

17:16make pottery, and wear granny skirts.

17:17All right, all right, shut up.

17:18I am not gay.

17:20Don't tell me what we did last night wasn't gay.

17:23It wasn't.

17:25Okay, maybe the thing with the thing and the leg and the...

17:30That was pretty gay.

17:32But, um, I love my boyfriend.

17:35Stuart?

17:37Yeah.

17:37Ah, I'm gonna settle this right now.

17:40What are you doing?

17:41Dina, what are you doing?

17:45Hi, Stuart, this is Dina.

17:46No, Katie's a lesbian.

17:48She doesn't need your polar repression anymore.

17:51We're queer right here.

17:52Get used to it!

17:54Stuart, Stuart, I'm sorry.

17:55I just...

17:56What?

17:56No, you can't come over and watch.

18:03Listen.

18:05Dina, Dina, I'm sorry.

18:07I just...

18:07Things got a little crazy last night,

18:09but I don't have those kinds of feelings about you.

18:12I mean, I...

18:13I think we should just be friends.

18:16Okay?

18:19Okay.

18:22So what do you want to do now?

18:23I taped Ellen last night.

18:27I'll get the batteries.

18:47Hi, I'm lost by...

18:49Hello, and welcome to Planet Happiness Station Number 4.

18:51My name is Manuel.

18:51I'm your lost and found information aide.

18:53How can I be of service to you?

18:54Hi, I lost my purse.

18:56We here at Planet Happiness know how important

18:57your personal belongings are

18:59and understand your concern.

19:00That is why all found items are brought here

19:01to the lost and found department.

19:03Okay, good.

19:03It's a medium-sized black bag...

19:05We care about each and every one of our customers

19:07and want to serve you in the most efficient way possible.

19:09Okay, great.

19:10Let me just tell you what it looks like.

19:11So all found items are brought here

19:12and categorized, itemized, and stored according to discretion.

19:15Okay, it's a black bag...

19:16Clothing, piper items, jewelry,

19:19including watches, bags...

19:21Bags, bags!

19:21It's a black bag, and it's going to be stored under bags.

19:24Watches, bags, wallets, and miscellaneous.

19:27Yes, miscellaneous, I told you it's a black bag.

19:29If you need assistance in describing your item,

19:31in this case, bag,

19:33let me draw your attention to our display chart.

19:36By simply pointing to the picture

19:37that most closely resembles...

19:39I don't need that.

19:40That most closely resembles...

19:40I don't need it.

19:41That most closely resembles...

19:42I know what my bag looks like.

19:44We here at Planet Happiness...

19:45Now don't go back from the beginning!

19:46We here at Planet Happiness...

19:47Look, just turn around and look for my bag.

19:49Wait, wait, I see it.

19:50That's my bag right there.

19:51We care about each...

19:52That's it right there!

19:53We care about...

19:54I'm looking at it right now!

19:55We care about...

19:56Just please turn around...

19:57You grabbed my bag!

19:59Look, just...

20:01Just look at me, Manuel!

20:03Okay?

20:04You have my bag.

20:05I see my bag.

20:06It is right there, okay?

20:07Just please turn around and hand me my bag.

20:09My name is Manuel.

20:12All fine items can be...

20:14Handicap to the elevator...

20:1610.30 a.m. to 11.30 p.m. weekdays.

20:19Happiness, my ass!

20:20Thank you for coming.

20:21I want to see you again soon.

20:22Please, sir!

20:23I lost my child!

20:24I just turned around for a second!

20:25Hello, and welcome to Planet Happiness.

20:27Station number four.

20:28My name is Manuel.

20:29I'm your loss of file information aid.

20:31How can I be of service to you?

20:32Have you seen my daughter?

20:33We here at Planet Happiness know how important your personal belongings.

20:36No, no, no!

20:37It's not a belonging!

20:38It's a little girl!

20:38If you need assistance in describing your item, in this case, little girl, allow me

20:43to draw your attention to our display chart.

20:45If I simply point it to the eyes, nose, mouth, or shape of head the most closely...

20:49No, no, no!

20:50I have a picture of her right here.

20:50Her name is Annie.

20:52If I point it to the eyes...

20:53I have a picture of her right here!

20:55If I point it to the eyes...

20:56All right, all right!

20:57Just tell me what to do!

20:58Eyes.

20:591A, 1B, or 1C?

21:011A with a little bit of 1C, I guess.

21:06Eyes.

21:071A, 1B...

21:081A!

21:09No, 2A, 2B, or 2C...

21:11Annie!

21:12Annie!

21:22Coming up on MADtv...

21:24I'm going to perform my monologue while I have my genitals pierced.

21:29You're dying, Tommy.

21:31I just have a stomachache, though.

21:32That's not a stomachache, sweetie.

21:34That's your organ shutting down on me.

21:38Ha, ha, ha!

21:39Holy snaps!

21:40Ha!

21:41Ha!

21:42Ha!

21:43Ha!

21:44Ha!

22:02Ha!

22:03Ha!

22:04Ha!

22:05Ha!

22:06Ha!

22:07Ha!

22:08Ha!

22:09Ha!

22:10I'm looking for a woman who'd like to sleep with me for money.

22:13See, the way it would work is, I would give her, you, some money, like 50 bucks or whatever,

22:19and then you would sleep with me for an hour.

22:21If we went longer than an hour, I'd give you more money.

22:25I have a whole list of how much, uh, different stuff would cost.

22:30A typical date would go something like this.

22:32I'd see you on the corner, some driving by, I'd pull up, roll down my window, give you some

22:37flowers, ask you how much.

22:39You would consult the list, then we'd go somewhere and do it in my car.

22:44And please, I'm not opposed to the idea of marriage, provided we only see each other

22:48for an hour at a time.

22:49For Denny, pass down 8-9-1.

22:53No more expectation.

23:03And now it's time for Who to Thunk It with Sissy Rothornstein.

23:09Hi, and welcome to Who to Thunk It.

23:14Today marks our 175th show, so I'm really very excited, and we're going to have a very

23:21good show, and we've got a great guest.

23:23But first, it's time for the answer bag here on Who to Thunk It.

23:28Um, today's letter comes from, uh, Bill Adderley, all the way from, uh, New Mexico, and he says,

23:38Dear Who to Thunk It, regarding your recent show on volcanoes, are there any volcanoes in

23:43North America?

23:44Signed, Bill.

23:45Well, Bill, I don't know.

23:48Well, we do have a very special guest today, and she is a forest ranger, and she's going

23:59to tell us all about the forest and, uh, ranging in there.

24:03Uh, please welcome Miss Helen Landry.

24:11Wow, and she has something special for us today.

24:15Thank you so much for coming.

24:16Really, I appreciate it so much.

24:18Pleasure.

24:18Thank you, really.

24:19Thank you so much.

24:21So, um, what do forest rangers do?

24:25Uh, your forest ranger patrols your parks, your national forest, keeps track of your animals,

24:31and regulates your hunters and your campers.

24:38Okay, what I think that I believe I was trying to mean when I was saying what I was thinking

24:42what I was saying was that, um, it must be a very unusual occupation for a man or a woman.

24:49How so?

24:50I would just assume that, um, there aren't that many forest rangers.

24:59Why would you say that?

25:04I, I don't know.

25:05Do you know how many national parks there are in this country?

25:09No.

25:10Do you want to guess?

25:13No.

25:16Guess.

25:17Okay.

25:2020.

25:25Over that.

25:2610,000.

25:28No, no.

25:29Okay, I, I don't know.

25:31Uh, why don't you tell us, Helen Lantry?

25:35Uh, there are 51 national parks in this country.

25:38Wow, who'd have thunk it?

25:40Um, so I see that you've got, um, a little forest creature here for us today.

25:45Uh, yes, this is called the bandit of the forest.

25:47Bandit of the forest, the rabbit.

25:50Raccoon.

25:51Raccoon, I'm sorry, sir.

25:52I grew up in the city, so.

25:55Ah!

25:56Uh, oh, he's cute.

26:00Now, the most important thing to remember about a wild animal is, although they look cute and

26:04cuddly, you are never, ever to try and touch them.

26:07What did I just tell you?

26:11I'm sorry.

26:16You okay?

26:19Um, can I get some, um, bandages and some alcohol?

26:24Alcohol work.

26:25Alcohol is alcohol?

26:27Yeah, alcohol is alcohol.

26:31That's just...

26:32Oh, so there you have it, though.

26:36But I was right.

26:37Alcohol is good for an animal by, well, you learn something new every day.

26:41Who'd have thunk it?

26:42Thank you to my very special guest, Helen.

26:46Helen?

26:47Helen, wait a minute.

26:48Helen?

26:50Helen?

26:50Once again, please welcome Bobcat Goldthwaite.

27:14Hi, it's nice to be back.

27:16One of my big frustrations is that nothing on TV is real.

27:22Everything's fake.

27:23Um, so tonight, instead of a monologue, I wanted to have my, uh, my genitals pierced.

27:33But the producer said, um, Bob, that's not funny.

27:37So, um, as a compromise, I'm going to, uh, perform my monologue while I have my genitals pierced.

27:51Now, uh, we've never met before.

27:56What, what, what is, what is that?

28:08It's an anesthetic, so you won't feel anything.

28:10Oh, oh, okay.

28:14Ah!

28:15Ah!

28:15Oh, oh, oh, I can feel that!

28:20Don't, don't you want to wait a minute, um, before it's sinking?

28:23I don't have time.

28:27Um, oh, oh, okay.

28:30Um, uh, uh, uh.

28:33Thank you!

28:34Thank you very much!

28:37Ah, your hands are cold!

28:42Thank you!

28:43It feels really good to be here on MADtv!

28:46Ah, ah, ah, ah!

28:48Oh, it does not feel good to be here on MADtv!

28:55Ah, ah, ah, ah!

28:56Holy snaps!

28:59Ah!

28:59Ah, ah, ah!

29:01Um, um, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, I'm all for hunters owning guns.

29:08That increases the, that increases the odds of two rednecks blowing each other's heads off!

29:19Mother of peril!

29:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God!

29:27Oh, my God!

29:28Sorry, I always get a little nervous around celebrities.

29:33Did that happen when you did Angela Lansbury?

29:36Anyway, I saw that new movie, Star Wars!

29:45Uh, apparently it had been out before and they made some changes.

29:50For instance, Han Solo is now gay!

29:56Cheese and crackers!

29:58Oh, oh, that movie, that, that, that movie, uh, that movie, uh, that movie Bottle Dome is so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it!

30:10Anyone, anyone, anyone, uh, anyone from out of town, are you almost finished?

30:15A god!

30:19Gooong!

30:21welding!

30:25Stick around folks.

30:26Um, there's a lot more fun coming up on MADtv!

30:28You watch your Mad TV, you watch your Mad TV, you watch your Mad TV, you watch your Mad

30:50TV, you watch your Mad TV.

30:51Hi everybody, I'm Bobcat Goldthwait.

30:56Looks like rain.

31:00Why don't you put this over your head?

31:05And remember, it also makes a handy carrying case for your pets.

31:12Toss in Tabby and watch the fun.

31:15Bobcat Goldthwait for natural selection.

31:18It's only natural.

31:26Oh, you poor thing, you have a fever.

31:30I feel herpy.

31:32I know you do, sweetheart.

31:34And as soon as Aunt Lydia gets here, I'm gonna go down to the pharmacy and get those pills that Dr. Berensky ordered, okay?

31:38Hello?

31:39Come on in.

31:41Oh, there you are.

31:43Hi, Lydia.

31:44Thank you so much for driving down here.

31:45I really appreciate it.

31:46And I'm just gonna nip out to the pharmacy.

31:48I won't be but a minute.

31:49Don't rush on my account.

31:50We'll be fine.

31:51Thanks.

31:52Mommy will be right back.

31:53Okay.

31:54How's my brave little soldier?

31:56Taking the day off school, are we?

31:58I threw up.

32:00Really?

32:01Uh-huh.

32:02Oh, my.

32:03Let me see your tongue.

32:05Oh, my God.

32:06What?

32:08I thought I smelled death when I came in this room.

32:11Death?

32:13Your mother didn't tell you?

32:16You're dying, Tommy.

32:18I'm just glad I got here before you slipped away on us.

32:21No.

32:22I just have a stomachache, though.

32:23That's not a stomachache, sweetie.

32:25That's your organs shutting down on you.

32:28No, look.

32:29I feel better already.

32:30See?

32:3187 pounds of pain, he can still manage his smile.

32:34Still, we gotta get you ready.

32:35You've got a long journey ahead of you.

32:37Where are we going?

32:38To your new home.

32:39We're moving?

32:40You are, Tommy.

32:41Up to the kingdom of God.

32:42No, I'm scared.

32:44Mom.

32:45Don't you worry.

32:47Jehovah, it's Lydia.

32:49I've got another one for you.

32:52No.

32:53Wait.

32:54Mommy said that I'll be okay by tomorrow.

32:55And didn't she also tell you there was a Santa Claus?

32:58Yeah, she did.

33:02Okay, then.

33:03Now, I want you to close your eyes.

33:05Good.

33:06And imagine you're on a trampoline.

33:08And you're bouncing, bouncing higher and higher.

33:13And you feel yourself floating towards the light.

33:15Do you see the light, Tommy?

33:17I think so.

33:18Oh, it beckons you, Tommy.

33:20It beckons you.

33:21Oh, and there's Uncle Roger.

33:23Say hello to old Uncle Roger.

33:24Hi, Uncle Roger.

33:25There's your puppy, Mittens.

33:27Look, his little face is all better now.

33:30Here, Mittens.

33:31Oh, you've got to grab the light, Tommy.

33:33Grab the light.

33:35Oh, you missed it.

33:36Sorry.

33:37Oh, let go of that earth bum shell of a body.

33:39I'm trying.

33:40Oh, look, there's Harriet Tubman, the runaway slave.

33:43Oh, and Richard Nixon, he's so awful.

33:45Don't you believe a word he says?

33:47I won't.

33:48You shut up Nixon.

33:49This is this fun.

33:50Tommy, you're floating like a bird.

33:52Oh.

33:53I'm dying.

33:54I'm dying.

33:55I'm dying.

33:56Yes.

33:57I'm dying.

33:58Why the hell do you love?

34:01Oh, my God.

34:02What are you doing?

34:03Get off of him.

34:04Mommy.

34:05And Lydia's helping me die.

34:06No, you are not dying.

34:07Yes, he's off to meet his maker.

34:09No, he is not.

34:10Lydia, stop.

34:11He just has a stomach flu.

34:13Oh, yeah.

34:14And I suppose Jonestown was just a slumber party.

34:16But Lydia, I want you out of my house right now.

34:19My work here is done.

34:22Tommy, are you okay?

34:23That must have been scary.

34:25Yeah, but, Mommy, am I ever gonna die?

34:27Well, sure you are.

34:28And, yes, it may be very painful, but not for a long time.

34:32I'm gonna go get you some water for your medicine, sweetie, okay?

34:39Mommy.

34:41Come to me, Tommy.

34:43Mommy.

34:44Mommy.

34:45Mommy.

34:56When my Preven injector specialist told me I wasn't getting a clean gel fluid ratio through my Metro Gretel bi-level sharing unit, I was shot.

35:05Yay, cookies.

35:06Help yourself, sweetie.

35:08And, hey, the bioflavonoids in these pecans will act as a thalmic stimulant, as well as tasting delicious.

35:13Yay!

35:14Look, it's easy to take gel fluid or any of your other common sub-fricatives for that matter for granted.

35:21But isn't it nice to know that there are no living lights, yards, or net particles where there shouldn't be?

35:26Great gel fluid ratio, honey.

35:29Efficient covalent demiconding.

35:32And no mono-oscillating runoff.

35:34Thanks, Weblin.

35:35Weblin.

35:36You don't have to understand the Envarta Hull process to appreciate our low-cost guaranteed pill-aid venting.

35:41So, I'm glad you're looking at this.

35:42I'm glad you're looking at it.

35:43Thank you very much for being here.

35:44Thank you, Bobby.

35:46I'm glad you're looking for being here.

35:47Great, yay.

35:48I'm glad you're going to get into it.

35:49I'm glad you're right.

35:50I am.

35:51I am glad you're going to get into it.

35:55I'm glad you're looking for the latest mayor of the Red Cross.

35:56Hi everybody, I'm Bobcat Goldthwait.

36:15You know, if you fasten a towel around your neck with a safety pin, you can fly.

36:26But only off of really high buildings.

36:33Remember, be safe.

36:37Bobcat Goldthwait, the natural selection.

36:40It's only natural.

36:43Greetings, fellow guard heads.

36:54I bring unto you an urgent message from the Messiah.

36:57Yune guave beset chise yune guave.

37:01Yune guave beset chise yune guave loves each and every one of you.

37:06That's right, Godheads.

37:08Yune guave beset chise yune guave.

37:10The God of love, fire and wonder is here on this earth to bring you an important message.

37:17Without any further delay, I give unto you.

37:20Yune guave beset chise yune guave.

37:24I am yune guave beset chise yune guave.

37:31The pure one.

37:33I am exhilarate and stimulate.

37:34I can stimulate you like no one else can.

37:46I am potent, acute and intoxicated.

37:49I am an intoxicated.

37:50I am an intoxicant.

37:53I am like the queen bee to all the other bees.

37:56Lick on to get their nerves straight.

37:59And I ain't got but about a minute here to speak to you.

38:02Yune guave beset chise yune guave is being unfathed detained by the government in one of your earthly prisons.

38:10That's right, God is in lockdown serving three flat on a six year bed.

38:15The IRS has investigated yune guave and the result came out more stanky than sweet.

38:23Yune guave is being unfairly punished for this sin so that you do not have to suffer for yours.

38:31In return, all I ask for is your cigarettes.

38:37On the outside, cigarettes take lives but in here, they may help save God's ass.

38:44My children, there are some real serious non-believers up in here.

38:51The human form of yune guave is not as big or as strong as I would have liked for this particular situation.

38:58I need cigarettes now, today and without delay.

39:03And in return, I will send you an authentic yune guave beset chise yune guave license plate.

39:11Rest by the hands of God.

39:14You got 30 seconds, une, then it's shower time.

39:18Your monetary contributions are no longer necessary for my defense.

39:24I need smokes, pantyhose, fabric softener, or lubricants of any kind.

39:31And if you send a care package that contains all of the aforementioned items, I will send you an authentic yune guave beset chise yune guave shank.

39:42Let's go now, come on.

39:43Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

39:46Let us pray.

39:47Please hurry, help me, hurry, hurry, help me, please.

39:52I am intoxicated.

39:54I am pep-a-riffin.

39:56I don't want to be used like a $2 ho.

40:01The sacred one, yune guave beset chise yune guave, needs your help.

40:06So send your cigarettes to, don't let God be treated like a $2 ho.

40:11Gearbox, 2800, Alistair State Penitentiary, Birmingham, Alabama, 4008.

40:18Thank you very much.

40:48This door weighs over 47,000.

41:05But because of the hydraulics involved, it shuts as easily as your own door at home.

41:11And it's twice as funny.

41:13Hey, that's the show.

41:36I had a really good time, and I hope you did.

41:39And I'd like to thank the cast, it's been a hell of a week.

41:42Actually, it wasn't a week.

41:43I've only been here about two days.

41:45But, you know, it was still hell.

41:47So I'd like to thank MADtv for having me on, and thank you for watching.

41:52Goodnight!

42:12And thank you for watching.

42:14Good job.

42:15Good job.

42:16That was good job.

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