- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 11
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching the TV.
00:05Hello. Are you 35 years of age and a native-born American citizen?
00:10Have you completed the third grade? Do you have the power of speech?
00:13Can you hear what I am saying? Can you remember your own name?
00:18Can you walk upright? Do you bathe regularly using soap or water?
00:22Do you have an opposable thumb?
00:24If you answered yes to at least three of these questions,
00:27then you are an excellent prospect as a Republican candidate
00:31for the President of the United States in 96.
00:35If you're interested, please write or have someone write for you to
00:39anybody but Dole, Graham, Buchanan, Alexander, or Forbes,
00:44Box 123, Parsippany, New Jersey, 0001, and please hurry.
01:14Hey.
01:16You're so crazy.
01:19Man, you're so crazy
01:38Hello and welcome to MADtv.
01:59Tonight is going to be a really great show.
02:00Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't believe us?
02:02Watch the show, okay?
02:08They're soothing melodies have been chanted literally dozens all over the world.
02:18Now they've compiled all the world's favorite songs into one spectacular collection.
02:27LMNOP Tell Records is proud to present
02:29The Presidents of the United States of America performing Public Domain's greatest hits.
02:38History's most beloved songs, covered by one of pop music's hottest bands.
02:43They sing along, doo-dah, doo-dah.
02:46They're all here.
02:51Childhood melodies, ancient chants, Americana, even Viking drinking songs.
02:57What do you do with the drunken sailor?
03:00Light in the morning.
03:02Shake and haircut.
03:0530 original songs, but definitely not by the original artist, because they're all dead.
03:10B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O.
03:18all before, but nobody owns the rights, so you're going to hear them again. That's why
03:23it's called Public Domain, because these songs belong to everyone, especially you if you
03:27order now. Have your parents' credit cards ready and call today. Operators are standing
03:31by.
03:48Dick Meredith is an unrepentant drunk. He was fired as vice-principal from Valley Junior
03:56High School because he was a drunk. He was kicked out of AA because he was a drunk. And
04:05he ran a red light simply because he was drunk. And thanks to him, Tim Swanson will never walk
04:14again. But if the defense has its way, Dick Meredith will.
04:20Ouch. That's going to hurt us. Relax, baby. I've been saving up.
04:24We'll now hear closing arguments for the defense.
04:26It's showtime.
04:30How you doing, folks? Thanks for coming by. How's everybody at home, huh?
04:37You know, the future's a place we've never been. Who knows what it holds, even for the
04:44Tim. This kid is beautiful, isn't he? So where does the truth live? The past holds the clues
04:52to decide. Yes, Dick was abused. Thank you, music lovers. It's great to be back in City Hall.
05:03Yes, he was abused. A lot of love in this room. He was driving around, sad as a clown. Nothing to lose.
05:17Where are you from, darling?
05:19Longer, Mark.
05:19Love those crab cakes.
05:21Some others we've seen. Might try to be mean.
05:29Ah, just kidding. Wasn't she terrific for the prosecution, Michelley Fresh?
05:32Objection, Your Honor. The defense is misleading the jury.
05:36Defense, get to the point.
05:37Ah, isn't she the berries, folks? Judge, I just gotta say...
05:41Ba-da-ba-da-dwee. Ba-da-da-ba-da-dee. Ba-ba-da-wa-ba-da-wa. He should be excused.
05:55Cause he was abused.
06:09Mr. Victor Paul Lepeo, ladies and gentlemen. Get out for it.
06:13You killed him, baby. You manslaughtered him.
06:19You have to do something.
06:20It's going to be okay, Mrs. Swanson.
06:24Your Honor, I'd like to call a surprise witness to the stand.
06:29Mr. Tony Orlando!
06:30Oh, wow. You're something else. Thank you.
06:39Your Honor, Your Honor, the defense was not advised of this villain.
06:42He wasn't even on the marquee.
06:44Oh, for real life.
06:45Hey, listen, give it up, huh?
06:47What a performance by old Johnny Bravo over here, huh?
06:49Give it up for Johnny Bravo, huh?
06:51I've never seen a performance like that.
06:53Boy, you're something else, man.
06:55Great performer. Marvelous.
06:56Mr. Orlando, what was the sound you heard the night of the accident?
07:01It was a thump.
07:02A thump or more like a bump?
07:05No, it was more like a knock.
07:08And how many times?
07:15Three.
07:17Oh, Your Honor, he was knocked three times
07:21And run over by an Audi
07:23By that wine-drinking swine
07:27He couldn't even drive slow
07:30So, hey, Dick, what you doing that night?
07:36Drinking old crow while you're on your way home
07:40You're an Audi
07:41I could hear your tires squealing
07:45I could hear your tires squealing
07:46His head was bobbing in the reeling
07:49Oh, the jail door is closing
07:52Your cellmate's disrobing
07:54It's so romantic
07:55Oh, George, it was suck, suck, suck
07:59And run over by an Audi
08:01Get in the chair
08:05Cause his life should be over
08:08Cause his life should be over
08:11Cause his life should be over
08:12Cause his life should be
08:15Cause his life should be, cause his life should be...
08:20...over.
08:31Guilty! Guilty as charged! Guilty! Guilty!
08:45Thank you very much.
09:15Yeah, I think we can work with that. That's fine. Did the London office receive those updated numbers?
09:32Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
09:37Uh, Bill, something really important just came up. I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?
09:42Hey, stupid! How come you're so stupid?
09:48Oh, who else? Who else?
09:52A delivery guy.
09:54Oh, hello, babies.
10:00Right? Right? Right? Right? Look out!
10:03Ah! Bullseye!
10:06Kenny?
10:08What? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
10:11Did you check with the London office?
10:13I'm all over it. Consider it done.
10:15Kenny, is everything okay?
10:16I'm not doing anything I'm not supposed to be doing.
10:19Right.
10:20Right. I'm just doing my job.
10:23Okay.
10:24Okay.
10:25Oh, my poor, poor innocent children of the city.
10:37See how you walk these bustling streets so unaware of the fate that lies before you?
10:42So unaware of the power that I and I alone hold!
10:49Ah! Oh, that's disgusting!
10:54Damn interruptions!
10:56Okay. Let's see.
10:58Oh!
10:59Look at all the lovely secretaries on their lunch break.
11:03Why, it's such a bright sunny day.
11:06Wouldn't it be a shame?
11:09Wouldn't it just be a pity?
11:11If the moon came out!
11:16Kenny!
11:17Yes, can I help you?
11:19Kenny, ever since you got an office with a window, we've been getting a lot of complaints.
11:23Complaints?
11:24Yes, complaints from passers-by.
11:26Huh.
11:27That's odd.
11:28Well, you know, I'm not the only one with an office window.
11:31Kenny, I know you've been harassing the people who go by your window.
11:34I know you've been throwing stuff out the window.
11:37These things are yours, aren't they?
11:43All right, look.
11:44I'm not gonna lie to you.
11:45No.
11:46Oh, Kenny! Kenny!
11:47Come on!
11:48Look at that guy's ass!
11:49Ah!
11:50Will that be all, Miss Gibbons?
11:51No, no, that will not be all.
11:52Kenny, how do you explain this?
11:54Or this?
12:02Magic?
12:03Kenny, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you back into your old office.
12:05No.
12:06Oh, yes.
12:07I will never go back to an office without a window.
12:09It's a prison sentence, and I won't do it!
12:11Kenny, Kenny, please!
12:12No, stay back!
12:13Kenny, okay, we are.
12:14Relax, relax, we are.
12:15This office with a window will always, always be mine!
12:20Kenny!
12:21Ah!
12:22Kenny!
12:23Wait!
12:24Wait!
12:25Look up!
12:26Oh!
12:28Oh!
12:29Oh!
12:30Oh!
12:31Oh, shit!
12:32Oh!
12:33Oh, shit!
12:42You are now watching Mad TV!
12:45Oh!
12:46Oh!
12:47Oh!
12:48Oh!
12:49Oh!
12:50Oh!
12:51Oh!
12:52Oh!
12:53Oh!
12:54Oh!
12:55Oh!
12:56Oh!
12:57Oh!
12:58Oh!
12:59Oh!
13:00Oh!
13:01Oh!
13:02Oh!
13:03Oh!
13:04Oh!
13:05Oh!
13:06Oh!
13:07Oh!
13:08Oh!
13:09EEE proudly presents an exclusive special in which the most controversial and acclaimed writer of such films as Basic Instinct, Flashdance, and Showgirls talks about his most important film to date.
13:26Tonight, Joe Esterhaus.
13:28Basic Instinct and Fist are merely mainstream mega hits.
13:31Wind of the Soul is entirely different because it is the first film that I've written and directed.
13:39It is a slice of life about women for women.
13:45It is the drama that is life and nothing more.
13:53I look at that tree and I think about when it was planted and now it's so big and tall and I wonder where my life went.
14:00You know, if that tree could talk, I wonder what it would say about our lives.
14:04Mama never realized her dreams.
14:06That's when I knew I had to follow mine and move to Iowa.
14:10Become an ice sculptor.
14:11Get my Ph.D. in ornithology.
14:14Finish that opera and start a family.
14:17Honey, I fixed up your favorite sandwich and some French fries.
14:20I am not a whore!
14:22I'm not a whore! I'm not a whore!
14:24I'm not a whore!
14:26I'm not a whore!
14:30Winter of the Soul tears down all gender-specific barriers and creates a new film genre.
14:40One that is filtered through the eyes of women.
14:44Because Joeste House is a feminist.
14:46Sally is a small-town girl with simple needs.
14:57She meets Hank, the sheriff, who is the sensitive, salt-of-the-earth guy she's been waiting for all her life.
15:05Hank's escaping with certain demons of his own, and he finds a redemption when he comes to investigate the murder of Sally's husband, Joe.
15:19Where were you when your husband was killed?
15:21That's not what you really want to know, is it, Hank?
15:26Well, aren't you going to examine the body?
15:37Some critics have accused you of being, well, in your post-funeral scene, they've accused you of being sensationalist.
15:59Absolutely. Strong women are sensational people, because they're strong.
16:03And that is exactly how strong women react in times of grief and loss.
16:07Sensationally.
16:09He was such a good man.
16:12It's so hard.
16:13I know.
16:15And we're right here for you.
16:17Right here.
16:19Catherine is by far the most compelling character I've created.
16:31Wasn't Catherine the Sharon Stone character from Basic Instinct?
16:35Yes.
16:38Sally is by far the most original, compelling character I've created.
16:43The water represents the grief and subsequent sexual liberation of the women, and women in general.
17:13Giving this movie an NC-17 rating is the equivalent of burning books.
17:20We've seen it in Berlin in 1931, and now we're seeing it in Hollywood in 1996.
17:29Sally, I know it's you.
17:31I've got the fingerprints, videotape, and I just pick on my other pants to prove it.
17:36Well, aren't you going to examine the body?
17:43People expect a certain kind of film from Joe S.S., but I'm not doing this for them.
17:52I am doing this for my daughters.
17:57My wives.
17:59My girlfriends.
18:03Their daughters as well.
18:04The script girl at Paramount.
18:10The lady who details my bronco.
18:15There was a girl actually just last night who...
18:18I would dedicate this film to her.
18:21If I remember that name.
18:24That's funny.
18:34What's your name?
18:35Hello.
18:44Are you less than 35 years of age and a native-born American citizen?
18:49Do you expose yourself in public places?
18:52Do you spend hours rocking back and forth, holding your hands over your ears, trying to shut out the voices?
18:56Do you believe yourself to be the son of King Zontar from the Crab Nebula?
19:02Have you dug up any corpses recently because you wanted to drive in the carpool lane?
19:06If you answered no to at least three of these questions, then you are an excellent prospect as the Democratic candidate for president of these United States in 1996.
19:19If you are interested, please write or have your prison chaplain send a telegram to anybody but Clinton.
19:27Box 456 Parsippany, New Jersey.
19:30Zero, zero, zero, zero, five.
19:33Coming up on M.A.D.T.V.
19:42She's in my head.
19:46Well, remember two months ago when you were actually in a good mood?
19:50Ah, yes.
19:50When Don King was acquitted, that was a good night.
19:53Most folks are doing it.
19:54They're having sex.
19:55Right on cable TV.
19:57I should do that.
19:58I should do that.
20:03Well, took us a long time, but finally we got cable.
20:13You can't be cable, darling.
20:15Full cable, I might add.
20:16Not just basic cable.
20:18They got the Weather Channel, Nashville Network, and something here called QVC2.
20:23Oh, it is a good life.
20:27Hot damn, Lily, we got cable now.
20:30No stopping us now.
20:31Turn around, Lily.
20:34Oh, will you get a load of this?
20:37Those are sharks.
20:39Look at those sharks.
20:41And people are swimming with the sharks.
20:43You don't see that old regular TV.
20:46You know what?
20:47I could swim with sharks.
20:49I should do that, you know?
20:51Oh, yeah, honey.
20:52You'd be great swimming with sharks.
20:54Oh, yeah.
20:54I could do that job easy, swimming with sharks on cable TV.
20:57You should do that.
20:58I should do that.
20:59You should.
21:01Crank her up, honey.
21:02Give her a switch.
21:03We got the world at our fingertips.
21:07Wow.
21:09You don't see that kind of fighting on regular TV.
21:11You sure don't.
21:12That's what I should be doing.
21:15I should be one of those guys fighting on TV.
21:17I could do that.
21:18Of course you could, dear.
21:19You should do that.
21:20You know, I might just go start doing that.
21:23Oh, you should.
21:24You should fight like that on cable TV.
21:26Yeah.
21:27Give a flick, honey.
21:32Hi, hi, hi.
21:34What's this?
21:35Oh, those folks are doing it.
21:37They're having sex.
21:38Right on cable TV.
21:41Wow.
21:42I should do that.
21:46I should do that on TV.
21:48Make all that big money for doing it on TV.
21:51Yeah, honey.
21:51You should do that.
21:53I should just go and start doing those sex movies.
21:55Just start doing it on cable TV.
21:57You should do that, dear.
21:59Oh, yeah.
22:02Oh, look, honey.
22:03They're fixing up that house.
22:05Look at it, honey.
22:05Change the channel.
22:07You should do that.
22:08Come on, honey.
22:09Just change the channel.
22:09You should do that like you said you were going to do.
22:13You should be one of those guys who fixes our house.
22:15Later, honey.
22:15Why don't you flick the channel?
22:16It's always later.
22:18You said you were going to do that.
22:20You said you were going to fix up this place.
22:22You should do it.
22:23Go back to the sharks.
22:25Later.
22:25Right now, you should get off your gas machine and go do that.
22:28You're going to keep it up.
22:29You're going to keep it up.
22:30I'm going to go back to regular TV.
22:31No.
22:32You're going to cry.
22:33You're going to cry.
22:34I'm sorry.
22:35Goodbye.
22:36You're going to cry.
23:06Love lingered last in line for brains.
23:12The one she got was so rotten and insane.
23:16The small thing so sad that birds could land.
23:19It's long, fast asleep rocking out of the van.
23:22She's lump.
23:23She's lump.
23:24She's in my head.
23:28She's lump.
23:29She's lump.
23:30She's lump.
23:31I think she might be dead.
23:34All right.
23:35I think she's limp.
23:44All right.
23:46All right.
23:47guitar solo
24:17She's lump, she's lump, she's in my head
24:20She's lump, she's lump, she's lump
24:25Why'd you believe that she's dead?
24:27She's dead, Jim
24:28She's dead, Jim
24:30Is this lump out of my head? I think so
24:34Is this lump out of my head? I think so
24:41It's just one out of my head, I can't know
24:47It's just one out of my head
24:53Hello, how are you?
24:59If you said fine, then you are an excellent prospect
25:02as an independent candidate for President of the United States in 1996.
25:06Please, please write to Independent Campaign Committee, Box 6050, Titusville, Florida.
25:13Please.
25:15Oh, I should do that. I can say fine. I could be president.
25:19You should. You could do all that president stuff. You should do that.
25:23You know, I just might. I just might write to that guy and start running.
25:27Give it a flick there, honey.
25:36Hi. Quit wasting time.
25:39I bet I've got your attention.
25:41My name is Al Kazdi,
25:43and I want to show you how you can stop wasting unnecessary time.
25:48As author of the book,
25:50How to Be More Productive by Stopping Wasting Time in the Workspace,
25:53or in the car driving to and from work,
25:55or even at home with your family,
25:57and everyone can do it.
25:58Now.
25:59It's an easy-to-follow book
26:01that shows you how you can stop wasting unnecessary time.
26:06Now.
26:07Do you waste time?
26:09Don't answer that.
26:10Of course you do.
26:11We all do.
26:12In an average person's day,
26:14if you were to add up all of the wasted time,
26:17it would just amaze you
26:19at how much time is wasted in an average person's day.
26:23And we do that every day.
26:25Seven days a week,
26:2652 weeks a year.
26:28Watch this.
26:30Hi, Bill.
26:31How are you?
26:32Fine, Al.
26:32How are you?
26:34Fine, thanks.
26:35See?
26:36Do you see?
26:37You're wasting time right there.
26:40Thanks, Bill.
26:41No problem.
26:42I just hope that I somehow helped you make your point
26:44about how much time is wasted in the average person's day
26:46in the skit we did just now.
26:49You did, Bill, and I thank you.
26:51Bill helped to outline one of the simple ways
26:54you can avoid wasting unnecessary time.
26:57Why not a greeting like this?
27:00Fine.
27:01Me too.
27:03See?
27:03Do you see?
27:05That's just one easy way, and there's more.
27:08Number one.
27:10Instead of waiting for a red light,
27:12cut through a gas station.
27:14Brush your teeth while you eat.
27:17Number three.
27:19Lay your next day's clothes on top of you while you sleep.
27:22If your name is Jonathan or Richard,
27:26change it to John or Rich.
27:29Number five.
27:30Pee in the shower.
27:32I have discovered literally billions of ways
27:36that we waste time every day.
27:39And wasting time is just that.
27:41A waste of time.
27:43I'm going to give you a moment of valuable time
27:47to let that sink in.
27:53Makes you think, doesn't it?
27:55When you add up these examples,
27:56you will be just amazed at how much time is left over
27:59for fun and productive things.
28:02Hey, Al.
28:03I've got two tickets to the baseball game.
28:05It will be fun.
28:06Want to go?
28:07No, thanks.
28:08I don't like baseball.
28:10But with all of the valuable time I saved today,
28:12I could go if I wanted.
28:14It's all about time management.
28:18Just buy my book of ideas
28:20that will help you to stop wasting unnecessary time.
28:23So order now.
28:25To receive the book on time management
28:26and the commercial you've just seen,
28:28write to Time Management,
28:30Box 1211, Los Angeles, California, 90061.
28:34And if you order now,
28:37we'll throw in this 40-volume set of videos,
28:39chock full of time management tips.
28:41Each video contains four hours of acted out examples
28:43of how you can stop wasting time.
28:45Acted out by real actors.
28:47Don't waste any more time.
28:49Why don't you act now?
29:04I'll be right back.
29:27That's it.
29:29Hi, I'm Dana Kinney, and thanks for joining us here on Coffee and Dana.
29:41I'm Dana, not coffee.
29:44Okay, let's welcome today's guest.
29:46It's Dan.
29:46Now, I want to get this right for the folks at home.
29:48It's Dan Trigaboff.
29:51Trigaboff.
29:51Trigaboff.
29:51Yes, with an F, Dana.
29:52Trigaboff.
29:53Trigaboff.
29:53That's right.
29:54Well, welcome to the show, huh?
29:56Well, Dana, it's great to be here.
29:57And I am 1,000% happy to be here with you people.
30:00Okay, looks like it, looks like it.
30:02Now, Dan is a big game hunter, and it says you're the...
30:06Wow.
30:07You were named Sportsman of the Year.
30:09Hello.
30:09That's right, Dana.
30:11Let's just say I'm running out of headroom on a trophy wall.
30:14I take any dog.
30:15I take any dog.
30:16Okay, it also says that you have an 81% kill rate.
30:21That's right.
30:22Fantastic, fantastic.
30:23Okay, now, you've just come back from...
30:25And I want to get this right for the folks at home from Safari.
30:28Yes, Dana, where I was fortunate enough to track down and kill a tan mountain Puma.
30:33Now, this is a cunning and dangerous opponent.
30:35Oh, let's tell us a little bit about that.
30:37Yeah.
30:38Well, Dana, there I was.
30:40The moon was full, and it shone brightly in the sky.
30:44It was night.
30:45Yes, it was night, Dana.
30:46I was in the heart of the mountain Puma's turf.
30:50Oh, spooky.
30:52Now, carefully, I slipped my crowbar from my belt.
30:56Crowbar?
30:57Yes.
30:58Okay.
30:58And using it to jimmy the lock on the service entrances, I crept inside.
31:03And then I entered into the reptile house, which means I had to walk way over...
31:05One moment, one moment, one moment.
31:07You broke into a zoo?
31:08Where else am I going to find the tan mountain Puma?
31:11It's an endangered species.
31:12One moment, one moment.
31:15You break into zoos to do your hunting?
31:17Oh, no, Dana.
31:18Not just hunting.
31:19Also tracking, trapping, and occasionally gift shopping.
31:23Why didn't you just go to Africa?
31:25That's just the thing, Dana.
31:26The African zoos suck.
31:28Now, let most of the exotic, endangered species just walk around free in the jungle.
31:32Let me be the first to tell you that that's dangerous hunting.
31:35And pretty soon, somebody's going to get hurt.
31:37Okay, one moment, one moment.
31:39I'm not sure you can.
31:40I'm going to have to check with my producers on this one.
31:42But I don't think you can break into zoos and shoot endangered species.
31:46I mean, let alone any kind of species.
31:48That's kind of like shooting a fish in a barrel, isn't it, folks?
31:50Let me tell you, Dan, an 8 million gallon tank is no barrel,
31:53especially when you're harpooning dolphins.
31:56Folks at home might be interested to know that dolphins do have their own language.
32:01Well, they didn't say a word when I was killing them.
32:02Oh, my God.
32:04Oh, my God.
32:05Now, another fine place to bag rare species is Planet Happy.
32:09Did he say Planet Happy?
32:10The amusement park?
32:12What?
32:13Oh, my God.
32:14It killed Peter Panda.
32:15If it was a fair fight.
32:17Before I encountered him, I lost my arm to turnstile.
32:19You are a horrible man.
32:22This is senseless murder.
32:24I...
32:24Senseless?
32:25Then I'll have you know I use everything I do.
32:29Oh, my God.
32:30Oh, I don't feel good.
32:31I don't feel good.
32:32I don't feel...
32:33Coming soon on MADtv.
32:45Yo, man, I ain't never seen no pimp slapping like that before.
32:52Rupert, would you please put the cocaine in your room where it belongs?
32:56Mother, it's a party?
33:09May.
33:09Could you come in here a moment, Mrs. Doyle?
33:22Take a letter, Mrs. Doyle.
33:26To my darling wife, Sarah.
33:29By the time you read this, I will be dead.
33:32It's pointless for me to keep up this ruse any longer.
33:37I am secretly in love with my secretary, one Ms. Doyle.
33:44Paragraph.
33:45She, like you, is in the dark about my feelings,
33:47for I have been afraid to express my desire for her
33:50for fear that I may be accused of...
33:53harassment.
33:55My work, my career, is of tantamount importance to me,
33:59and I cannot bear to see everything I've worked for go down the toilet
34:02because of a clumsy, advanced sort of woman
34:04who is...
34:05already engaged.
34:08But over the last few months,
34:10I've become so obsessed with her
34:12that I've been able to think of nothing but her.
34:15Following her home,
34:16watching her with a hidden camera under her desk.
34:20Dot, dot, dot.
34:23Oh, Sarah, my love,
34:24I am so very, very sorry.
34:26You have been the perfect wife,
34:28the perfect mother,
34:29the perfect friend, hyphen.
34:31But I don't think a bright red sports car
34:33is going to do it this time.
34:35That is why I must
34:37kill Jennifer Doyle, then myself.
34:40You will find her
34:41strangled with her own pantyhose
34:44in the Motel 6 off Route 80
34:45and my own sweaty, naked body
34:47in the chair in front of the TV
34:49still holding the .38 that put the bullet in my brain.
34:54Excuse me, sir.
34:55Would you like me to spell out television?
34:58No, no, no.
34:59TV is fine, thank you.
35:00All right.
35:02Paragraph.
35:03I love you, Sarah,
35:05and I hate myself for what I'm about to do to you.
35:08But Jennifer is the one true brilliant spark
35:10that ignites my heart and soul.
35:12And if I can't be with her,
35:13I'll be one worthless C-E-O.
35:19All my love,
35:20your soon-to-be-dead loving husband,
35:22yours truly, et cetera, et cetera, Richard.
35:26Could you read that back to me, please?
35:29Yes, sir.
35:31To my darling wife, Sarah.
35:33Yes, that starts nice.
35:35By the time you read this,
35:37I will be dead.
35:38That's the point of the letter.
35:39It is pointless to keep up the groove
35:41and it's longer.
35:42Use it.
35:43Gene Hackman is rock.
35:49You just try and cover me.
35:51Go ahead.
35:51Tom Cruise is paper.
35:53You try to rip me and I'll wrap you up.
35:56Count on it.
35:57Sandra Bullock is scissors.
35:59Want to come at me, pal?
36:00I'll cut you to ribbons.
36:02Rock, paper, scissors.
36:04Heavy, flat, and cutting edge.
36:06Because that's the way the game is played.
36:09I'll cut you to ribbons.
36:39I'll cut you to ribbons.
37:09I wound up marrying you.
37:11Was I drugged?
37:13When I finally said I'd do.
37:15May all of give me strength
37:17when we jump into the ethnic frontier.
37:20Ooh, ooh, ooh.
37:22I'm mad about you, baby.
37:25I'm mad about you, baby.
37:30I'm mad about you, baby.
37:33I'm mad about you.
37:35Mr. Louis, we took Murdy X for a walk.
37:42Perhaps lately.
37:44Right now I'm watching the nightly propaganda broadcast.
37:47Look at Channel 2.
37:48Wrong.
37:49Lies
37:51Falsehoods
37:53Ooh, Montana
37:55Conspiracies
37:58Expose their shame
37:59What's the matter now, Louie?
38:01What's the matter?
38:02You know, ever since you started this PR firm
38:05All you have done is spend your time promoting Comic Relief 15
38:08You think it's easy trying to convince people that Sinbad's funny?
38:13Women got toes, Jack
38:14Nah, I'm serious, Jack
38:16They got toes not like them mint bunions smelling corn chips stinking toes
38:20I mean, they're crazy
38:22Good night
38:23You see, my friend, this is what I'm saying
38:27You understand the media
38:29Let's look at that word, media
38:32Me, as in me first, not the African American
38:35Tell the truth
38:36D, as in derail our hopes and our dreams
38:39Testify
38:40And E-I, as in E-I-E-I-O
38:45Oh, as in old McDonald
38:46Who had a plantation on which he perpetuated the system of slavery
38:51Which was very bad, like on roots
38:54And, I mean, how bad was that?
38:56Needs work
38:57You know, you have been acting strange ever since that party for that holiday of yours
39:02Ramalama ding-dong
39:03That is Ramadan
39:05Whatever
39:06I didn't know that Ted Danson was gonna show up
39:09What?
39:11You think I'm upset about your ex-boyfriend?
39:15Your old, white, toupee-wearing ex-boyfriend?
39:20Let me tell you something
39:22Numerologically, the letters in the name Danson add up to 67
39:26As in 1967
39:28The year in which Rod Steiger, a white man
39:31Won the Academy Award over Sidney Poitier
39:33A black man for In the Heat of the Night
39:35To be Paul Newman for Cool Hand Lou
39:37What has that got to do with him?
39:41I don't know
39:42You know, I was going there
39:44I had the analogy then
39:46Not so much
39:47You know, I'm telling you
39:49If you keep overreacting like that
39:50What kind of a parent are you gonna be?
39:52Well, I'll just worry about that when the time comes
39:54Well, get ready for a million men and a baby, Mark
39:58That's not funny
39:59Wait a minute
40:01A baby?
40:02How did this happen?
40:04Well, remember two months ago
40:05When you were actually in a good mood?
40:07Ah, yes
40:08When Don King was acquitted
40:09That was a good night
40:10Live on pay-per-view
40:11Wait a minute
40:14How can I be a father?
40:16What will the nation think?
40:17What will the goyim think?
40:19Who cares what they think?
40:20Look, I am not one of those satellites
40:22Orbiting the planet Louis
40:23Stepping out of line, sister
40:24Mind your business
40:25And I am not your sister
40:27Back and all
40:28Besides
40:29Think of your son
40:30Wearing a little bow tie
40:32Taking his first pilgrimage to Mecca with his daddy
40:36You know
40:38You really must be one of the chosen people
40:41Cause I chose you
40:43You big Jewy Jew, you
40:44Ah, go ahead, minister
40:48Little more to the left
40:49A touch more tongue
40:51More to the right
40:52Praise Allah
40:53See, I told you it would be a really great show
41:12No, my mom said we did really well
41:13So catch us next time
41:15Good night, everybody
41:15Goodnight
41:16Goodnight
41:16Goodnight
41:47Oh, when the saints, oh, when the saints, oh, when the saints go marching in, I want to be in that number, when the saints go marching in.
42:17Oh, when the saints go marching in, I want to be in that number, when the saints go marching in, I want to be in that number.
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