- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 8
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching the G-Man.
00:10Yo, don't sweat me, G.
00:11Sweat off the weight.
00:13Hey, all you big bad original gangsters out there.
00:16It's me, Russell Simmons, and it's time to sweat.
00:21Diff Jam presents the hardest of the hardcore workout videos.
00:24If you liked Richard Simmons sweating to the oldies,
00:27then you gon' love Russell Simmons sweating to the oldies.
00:31For you white folks, O.G. means original gangsta.
00:34So come on, fat boys.
00:36Come on, Shamu.
00:37Come on, Notorious B.I.G. and Heavy D.
00:40And for a little old school flavor, we got Barry White in the house.
00:43Let's sweat to the oldies.
00:47Russell, drop a load on them.
00:49Jenny Craig attendance at a record high.
00:52People eating, people binging, makes me want to cry.
00:56Don't ask me, because I don't know why.
01:00But you're a chubby mother.
01:02And that's the way it is.
01:04And sweat.
01:05This 60-minute videotape is a perfect workout as Russell raps off the pound.
01:09One, two, three.
01:11And watch your back.
01:12Bust the cap.
01:13Watch your back.
01:14Bust the cap.
01:15And turn.
01:16Very good, people.
01:18Looking good, Biggie Smalls.
01:20Pretty soon, he won't be Notorious B.I.G.
01:23He'll be Notorious S-L-I-M.
01:26That's a gangsta funny.
01:27He's diff jam-packed this video with all new exercises.
01:33Stare your mom.
01:34Stare your dad.
01:36And it ain't a Simmons workout without Rush taking us to church with one of his inspirational moments.
01:41I feel fat, Russell.
01:42Oh, that's okay.
01:43We've all been there.
01:44But you can't quit.
01:45You know why?
01:46Because H plus F equals 24 L.
01:50Say it with me, people.
01:51Homeboys plus fat equals 24 years to life.
01:56Because if you can't run, you're gonna get caught.
02:03Capiche?
02:04Here we go again.
02:05So all you overweight gangsters, it's time for you to drive by and pick up a copy of Russell
02:11Simmons' Sweatin' to the OGs.
02:13Okay, let's get those legs up, people.
02:15To order Sweatin' to the OGs, dial 55501-FAT-ASS.
02:20Off of Boyd and Sam Quentin, Riker's Island, and wherever night time can't use the Ink Force.
02:26Yeah.
02:35Bang!
02:36Come on.
02:37Yeah.
02:38Come on.
02:39Come on.
02:40Bang!
02:41Come on.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Come on.
02:44Come on.
02:45Bang!
02:46Bang!
02:47Your son.
02:49Bang!
02:50Bang!
02:51Bang!
02:52Bang!
02:53Bang!
02:54Wание's Forest!
02:55It's your son.
02:56Bang!
02:57Bang!
02:58Bang!
02:59Bang!
03:01Bang!
03:02Bang!
03:03You're so Cash.
03:04Bang!
03:05So, tell us the main one, you need some Craig.
03:09Okay.
03:10もし the Gold obligation request's Dad can assist with our big fans.
03:16We'll find out watching the TV
03:21Hi, everybody!
03:35Welcome to the show.
03:36Yeah, welcome to the show!
03:39It's nice to see you.
03:40Oh, yeah, it's a real thrill.
03:42Hey, we got a great show for you tonight.
03:44Oh, yeah, Artie?
03:45Well, who cares?
03:47What's up with you, man?
03:49What's up with me?
03:50You want to know what's up?
03:50I'll tell you what's up with me, peasants.
03:53I won the lottery.
03:56You're kidding.
03:56Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
03:58I am independently wealthy,
03:59so the whole world can just kiss my ass.
04:03We'll tell you something, Phil, all right?
04:05Let's see the ticket.
04:05Hey, hey, hey.
04:06Read it and weep.
04:07I am a lottery winner.
04:09I can do anything I want,
04:10and nobody can stop me.
04:12Phil, this is for $500.
04:15Oh, man, you don't have to tell me.
04:17I know how much it's for.
04:18I won it.
04:18I am the lottery winner.
04:21You won $500.
04:23Hey, that's lottery dollars to you, my friend.
04:26Phil, you won less than what you make a week.
04:30Now, see, you guys are missing the point.
04:33See, I won the lottery, you know?
04:36I mean, I scratched off the right numbers, and I won.
04:40It's only $500.
04:42You don't have the financial balls to burp in public,
04:44let alone act like an a**hole.
04:49No, no, no, see, no.
04:51Look, I won the lottery.
04:53You won a little bit, okay?
04:55I won a tiny, tiny bit.
04:56It's a little.
04:57It's too little.
05:01My hands are lost.
05:03That's beautiful.
05:06Burp in public.
05:08No, I've done something terribly, terribly wrong.
05:15I am so sorry.
05:17I'm sorry that I quit the show.
05:19I'm sorry I called it bad TV.
05:22And I'm sorry that I said I would buy the network
05:24just so I could fire you.
05:26I thought I won the lottery, Quincy.
05:28Yo, I thought I was rich.
05:30It's a natural human reaction
05:32to want to rush out and hurt people.
05:34Please give me another chance, please.
05:35Okay, okay, okay.
05:36Just chill out, kid.
05:37Look, I understand how these things go.
05:39This could happen to anybody.
05:41You mean it?
05:42I mean, just like that,
05:43I don't have to eat a bug
05:45or do anything humiliating on videotape?
05:47No, just forget about it, Phil,
05:49and keep up the good work.
05:51Oh, thank you, Quincy.
05:52Man, I will not let you down again.
05:54I'm dependent on it, Phil.
05:55All right, man.
05:59Phil.
06:00Yeah?
06:01Are you chewing gum?
06:02No, sir.
06:03You're chewing gum in my office, aren't you?
06:06No, sir.
06:07I'm looking at you.
06:08Don't you dare swallow that turkey.
06:13Do you know what happens
06:14when people chew gum in my office?
06:17Mm-mm.
06:18Ah.
06:20You know what that is?
06:22Is that gum?
06:23Oh, you skanky, funky gum.
06:26I'll trade you.
06:27Come on, Mr. Gumchill.
06:29You're kidding, right?
06:30Me kidding?
06:32Hear me?
06:33Do I kid?
06:35I'll trade you.
06:37Come on.
06:38Now, will you ever chew gum in my office again?
06:51No, sir.
06:52Okay.
06:53You may go.
07:00Ha, ha, ha.
07:02Ha, ha, ha.
07:03Ha, ha.
07:03Ha, ha, ha.
07:06Right now, I'd like you all to meet Ellen.
07:36Why don't you tell us your story, Ellen?
07:40Well, Gary and I...
07:41That's your son's name, Gary?
07:43Yeah.
07:44Anyway, Gary and I...
07:46And Gary was taken from you right out from under your nose, wasn't he?
07:50Yeah.
07:51Why don't you tell us your story?
07:54Well, Gary and I were in the park.
07:56Ooh, that's trouble.
07:58And Gary was playing on the swings.
08:00I only turned my back for a moment.
08:04That was six years ago.
08:07Oh, six years.
08:10And you haven't seen Gary since?
08:12No.
08:13What would you say to him if he was here right now?
08:16I would tell him that I loved him and that I missed him so.
08:21Well, guess what?
08:23We have a surprise for you.
08:25We just happen to have, here in the studio, right now, the complete Bruce Springsteen CD collection!
08:34Oh!
08:35Oh!
08:36Oh!
08:37Oh!
08:38Oh!
08:39Oh!
08:40Oh!
08:41Oh!
08:42This is incredible!
08:43We'll be right back!
08:44We'll be right back!
08:53Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the co-star of In The House and my favorite rap artist, Mr. LL Cool J.
09:01Thank you, Brian.
09:02You know what makes me mad?
09:03News shows.
09:04Let me explain.
09:05As a newcomer to TV, I've been trying to become familiar with all the different types of programs on the air.
09:06Last week, for the very first time, I spent an entire afternoon watching daytime talk shows.
09:07Do you watch talk shows?
09:08Yes.
09:09A little bit?
09:10No!
09:11No!
09:12No!
09:13No!
09:14No!
09:15No!
09:16No!
09:17No!
09:18No!
09:19No!
09:20No!
09:21No!
09:22No!
09:23No!
09:24No!
09:25No!
09:26No!
09:27No!
09:28No!
09:29No!
09:30No!
09:31No!
09:33No!
09:34No!
09:35No!
09:36No!
09:37No!
09:38No!
09:39No!
09:40No!
09:41No!
09:42No!
09:43No!
09:44No!
09:45No!
09:46No!
09:47No!
09:48No!
09:49No!
09:50No!
09:51No!
09:52No!
09:53No!
09:54No!
09:55No!
09:56No!
09:57No!
09:58No!
09:59No!
10:00No!
10:01No!
10:02No!
10:03No!
10:04No!
10:05No!
10:06can sit around and ask questions like are we gonna raise taxes will you be
10:10signing a peace treaty who cares I want to know if they've ever been in a
10:15threesome another thing another thing news shows how about a studio audience
10:25I'd love to watch Dateline and see a sister stand up and yell Mr. Gingrich if your wife doesn't want breast implants leave her ass alone so-called journalists should stop running around Bosnia and sit down and watch some daytime TV and they would learn something on tonight's 60 minutes I'm in love with my congressman's mother plus Andy Rooney looks at gun lobbyists who moonlighted
10:55strippers I love you I'm LL Cool J on tonight's mad TV rappers who are television stars who are mad about news shows peace
11:15Jim's telling me a lot about you all good I hope well gosh this place looks great yeah except for where they seated us
11:24oh no this is gonna be fine yeah you know why they sat us by the waiter's station don't you oh I just think they're real busy
11:30it's because of me come again please Cynthia you're not that naive look at me isn't it obvious I'm an octoroon
11:38a what I'm an octoroon I'm one-eighth african-american my great-grandfather was black
11:46ah really yeah oh really I thought you might react this way
11:55what react like what I it doesn't matter to me at all what you are
11:59I'm sorry I just get a little touchy about it sometimes that's all
12:03it's okay it's all right good evening
12:04hi
12:05our specials tonight include a broiled swordfish in a mandalay sauce that's a light cream and dill dressing
12:10don't you think I know what a mandalay sauce is
12:13you just assume from my appearance things have to be boiled down to simplest terms don't you
12:19I bet you don't do that for all your white customers
12:21Blair please
12:23no sir actually I do it for all the customers
12:26we'll have the swordfish mandalays for two
12:29do us a favor and don't spit in it please
12:31very good sir I'll tell the chef no spit
12:36Blair that was incredibly rude
12:40rude rude to be bought and sold like an animal that's rude
12:45yeah
12:46to be chained up and dragged away from your village and forced to pick cotton
12:49don't talk to me about rude
12:51I don't know I think you're just being a little bit ridiculous
12:54I'm sorry look you're right I want this to be a nice evening it's just I've had such a bad day you know
12:58yet another job interview gone sour
13:01oh really what happened
13:02what happened
13:03what always happens to the partially black man
13:06who turned me down
13:08said it was because of my attitude
13:09and I didn't have the degree for biomedical research
13:13everybody knows that's just code for octoroon on the premises run for your lives
13:18ah yes you know how it is my african brother fight the power million man march
13:26I beg your pardon
13:27I bet they've kept you here for years in this menial position supporting a family of eight as a bus boy
13:32no they haven't I'm putting myself through law school
13:35oh really where at oreo university so you can become another tool for the white man's injustice system
13:43whatever
13:44sell out
13:45I think that you're taking this octoroon thing a little bit too far I mean I don't think that anyone would ever suspect that you're any part black
13:54I am proud of my african-american heritage
13:58Blair people are staring at us
13:59ah let them stare
14:01come on everybody
14:02gawk at the eighth breed
14:03that's right
14:04wanna rub my nappy head for luck
14:07you better rub it eight times so you get the same amount of luck you get from a normal black man
14:11I'm sure it's a song for half-breeds but not for us octoroons
14:15octoroon nation
14:17okay okay
14:18octoroon kind
14:19you know what Blair you're crazy please do not call me
14:23well just as I expected my mother always told me stay within your own kind
14:28quadroons or mulattoes only
14:29that's all right because you'll be coming back baby
14:32you know what they say once you've had octoroon you'll be wanting more soon
14:37sir I'm gonna have to ask you to leave
14:41of course
14:42someone speaks the truth and it's bug off buckwheat
14:45well that's fine I'm going
14:46but I'm reporting you to the anti-octoroon defamation league
14:50they'll sue you for one eighth of everything you've got
14:52and furthermore I'm gonna find all the other octoroons in this city
14:55and I'm gonna boycott this racist establishment
14:58it may take me decades but I'll find them
15:00goodbye
15:01goodbye
15:02dhance
15:04dhance
16:36I did my best.
16:41Yeah, you have a question.
16:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:43Hey, no wonder your wife left you.
16:44You got to take care of business in a bedroom, pal.
16:47Woo-hoo!
16:54So you haven't seen your family in six years.
16:58No.
16:58Look at me.
17:01You really miss them, don't you?
17:03Yes.
17:04You'd love to see them again, wouldn't you?
17:07Yes.
17:07Look at me.
17:09You'd give anything in the world to see them again.
17:13Yes.
17:15Well, here they are.
17:17It's something I'd love to be able to say,
17:20but I can't.
17:22We'll be back.
17:34This summer, 20th Century Fox is proud to present
17:37the most reassuring film of the decade,
17:40what is sure to become the feel-good motion picture event of a lifetime.
17:45Hello.
17:48My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.
17:52Do you want a chocolate?
17:57I could eat about a million of these.
18:00How about you?
18:03Excuse me, I asked you a question.
18:05Look, I'm diabetic, all right?
18:07I don't want any of your damn chocolates.
18:09What are you, stupid or something?
18:10Mom always says,
18:13stupid is, as stupid does.
18:20Gun Fiction.
18:22The film critics are calling violently heartwarming.
18:27I do believe my husband, your boss,
18:30told you to take me out and do whatever I wanted.
18:33Okay.
18:35Okay.
18:36You know what they call shrimp in France?
18:39Quarter pounder with Chase.
18:40No.
18:41A Royale with Chase.
18:43No.
18:44Quarter pounder Royale with Chase.
18:46No.
18:48Filet on shrimp Royale.
18:50No.
18:52Shrimp McNugget Royale.
18:53No.
18:55Hamburger Royale with shrimp.
18:57No.
18:58How many guys have we got, Forrest?
19:07Two up on that grassy hill
19:09and one up here in this building.
19:12Come on, Forrest.
19:14Let's get in the character.
19:16A rich palette of contemporary American morphing
19:19as well as a lot of presidents getting shot.
19:22Oh, I was aiming for Jackie.
19:31Run, Forrest, run!
19:35You're soon gonna be a woman.
19:38Sodomy is as sodomy does.
19:42Oh!
19:43Oh!
19:46Gump meet Gimp.
19:48Gimp.
19:48I am not a gimp.
19:53At least I would be
19:55if you'd let me die, you damn!
20:00Lieutenant Dan!
20:01Lieutenant Dan, it's me, Forrest!
20:03Tom Hanks.
20:05Samuel L. Jackson.
20:06Double shrimp, Chase.
20:07Pay some a chance.
20:08Uma Thurman.
20:10John F. Kennedy.
20:11Lee Harvey Oswald.
20:13Gary Sinise.
20:14And Phil Lamar.
20:15Not again!
20:15Die, you sweetly retarded,
20:19cash-free-spewing moron!
20:21Die!
20:25Now, maybe it's just me,
20:27but I believe we're gonna have to get medieval on your buttocks.
20:33This summer, you won't know the gump
20:36until you see the fiction.
20:38Life is like a box of chocolates.
20:42You open it up,
20:43and most times someone is taking a bite out of each and every one.
20:49That's when I gotta
20:49get out my .45 and blow their heads off.
20:54That's all I have to say about that.
20:56Scooby-dee-bop,
21:08scat-man,
21:10da-bop-a-dee-boo,
21:11scat-jazz.
21:16Scooby-dee-bop,
21:17wa-ri-go.
21:18Diddly,
21:19scadidly-doo.
21:20Scooby-dee-bop.
21:22Scooby-dee-bop,
21:23da-bop-a-dee-boo,
21:24whoo-whoo.
21:26Scooby-dee-jibb-dee-womp,
21:27we go.
21:28Scooby-dee-bop-wop,
21:29the-bop-a-dee-bop-a-dee-boo.
21:31Cooby-dee-doo-le-wa,
21:33scabab,
21:33scabab.
21:34Do-wop,
21:35scabab-wop,
21:36ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
21:38Scooby-dee-bop,
21:39ha-p,
21:39scabab-dee-bop-a-dee-bop-wa.
21:42A mop-a-ra-pa-skib-bang,
21:43rockety-flop-a-dee-ha.
21:45Hey, scadidly-doo-le-do.
21:46Hey, mop-a-rop-a-skim-bam-rockety-floppity-wa-ha!
21:51Diddly-diddly-doo-diddly-dee.
21:55Skim-bam-a-yep-dwockety-wick!
21:59Skibbity-scoobity-doo!
22:02Skibbity-bop-wop-wop!
22:05Skibbity-bop-wop!
22:07Skibbang! Skibbang!
22:09Skibbity-boppity-boppity-doo!
22:12Skibbity-bop-womp-scrimp, Rico!
22:15Skibbity-bopp-wop-scrimp, Rico!
22:21Skibbity-splink! Skibbity-splink!
22:24Skibbity-splink! Skibbity-splink!
22:26Skibbity-wink! Skibbity-bopp!
22:29Skibbity-winkity-winkity-doddly-doddly-boppity!
22:33Skibbity-bop-bop!
22:36Hey!
22:38Raze the blink!
22:40For a written transcript of Scab-Chat Cleese at 495 to
22:43Skibbity-bop-shibbity-bink-sky!
22:45Babbity-flabbity-boom!
22:4611804!
22:48Babbity-bop-shibbity-bop-san!
22:52A full- annual snowball!
22:54Gabbling!
22:57Scab-Chat Cleese!
22:59Scab-Chat Cleese!
23:01How are you supposed to be this?
23:031
23:19And then, we're just gonna get several more to go ahead and work.
23:23Fine, I'm not gonna do it too!
23:27Now, let's go!
23:29Coming up on MADtv...
23:32This is the front, and this is the crack.
23:36Doing hand-over-hand right turns?
23:38We'll punch you in waybill information at the same time.
23:41Come see the monkey woman!
23:56Okay, this is it.
23:59Jack?
24:00Yeah, right here, Mr. Ruskin. Right behind you.
24:04So, what do you think?
24:08Oh, this? Backloading courier J5. Nice truck.
24:12Now, Jack, I meant the office. It's yours.
24:16Mine?
24:17Yeah, according to union seniority rules, no one can advance until you do.
24:22So, congratulations, Mr. District Manager.
24:26Oh, cool. I mean, you know, this is what it's all about, right?
24:29I mean, you know, getting here.
24:31You know, I mean, why do you drive? You know, to get somewhere.
24:33And that's what I've been doing for 13 years is driving.
24:35You know, destination?
24:36And here.
24:38Your first job is to hire your replacement.
24:40No problem.
24:41Well, I guess I'll be seeing you in the executive dining room.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Yes, sir?
25:01Nothing. Just checking it out.
25:04Coffee?
25:05Coming right up.
25:06No, sir. I meant, would you like some coffee?
25:10Caffeine?
25:11Never touch it.
25:12Makes me too hyper.
25:13Sir, the candidate for the delivery position is here.
25:29Cool.
25:30Shall I send him in?
25:33Oh, executive decision. Um, sure. Go ahead.
25:48Hi, I'm Jack.
25:49Uh, Andrew Turner. Hi.
25:50Have a seat.
25:51Thanks.
25:52So, Andrew.
25:53Yeah.
25:54I guess you want to be a UBS delivery man, right?
25:56Oh, yes, sir. You see, I used to own my own truck and I got a lot of experience.
25:59Oh, so you used to work for yourself?
26:00Yeah.
26:01Oh, totally. You never got to wear one of these uniforms.
26:03You know, we've got these cool brown ones.
26:04You know, it's great because you can wear, like, long sleeves or short sleeves.
26:06You can wear, like, long pants or short pants. You know, they even buy the socks.
26:09Hey, where's your house?
26:11The suburbs. Downsview.
26:13Downsview. Totally. I know that.
26:14It was on my first route.
26:16K Street to Shepherd. Shepherd to Babbitt.
26:18Left on Babbitt instead of Warwick because the light on Babbitt is synced.
26:20Babbitt straight to Downsview.
26:21Distribution center, 19 minutes flat.
26:25Uh, so would you like to know what my qualifications are?
26:28Sure. Qualifications are cool.
26:30Okay, well, I'm pretty good with people. I got my Class A license.
26:32Class A? Oh, totally. You know what you're gonna love? You're gonna love our Courier J5 trucks.
26:36Oh, dude.
26:40The new J10 trucks are in. You know, I was just reading about them.
26:42They've got this Titan suspension system. Makes driving on ice a total snap.
26:45You know how some people say, turn into the skid. Other people say, away from the skid.
26:49With these, there's no skid.
26:51I must really miss driving those trucks, I guess.
26:53Oh, totally. You know what? It's also got a TXL computer, right on the dashboard.
26:57I mean, think about that. What could be better than, like, slapping on a Chris Brown uniform,
27:00you know, hitting that Downsview route, and like, you know, doing hand-over-hand right turns,
27:03while punching in Waybo information at the same time. Just...
27:06I can hardly wait, yeah.
27:10Totally. Neither can I.
27:18You know, you're really good with people.
27:20Make a great district manager.
27:22Back on track, destination, out there.
27:36All right, we're back.
27:38You had another question for Larry.
27:40Mm-hmm.
27:41If you weren't drunk, you could have protected your family like a real man.
27:45Yeah.
27:46I wasn't drunk.
27:47Good question.
27:49Good question.
27:50Right now, I'd like you all to meet Ed.
27:56How are you, Ed?
27:57Not good, Jane.
27:58That's great.
27:59Why don't you tell us your story, Ed?
28:01Well, when I was a little crumb snatcher, my papa went off to Vietnam.
28:05And he didn't come back.
28:07Mm.
28:08Apparently, papa became a big television star in the Far East.
28:11And in less than a year, papa had the number one comedy show in Vietnam.
28:14Ooh.
28:15But this really upset mama, because here in America, mama been part of the show that papa made famous over there.
28:20And now papa was using this Vietnamese woman, and that was 20 years ago.
28:26So you haven't seen your father in 20 years? Not even a photograph?
28:30No, ma'am.
28:31So you'd have no idea what he would look like?
28:34No.
28:35Well, then we have a surprise for you.
28:39Let's bring him out.
28:41Here he is, your dad.
28:43Papa?
28:44Son.
28:45I can't believe it.
28:47Oh, papa.
28:48I don't know how you did it, Miss Jane.
28:49It's a miracle.
28:50This is wonderful.
28:51This is what doing a show like this is all about.
29:04Yeah, yeah.
29:05If that Larry guy would spend a little more time doing the wild thing instead of playing with his thing, maybe his old lady would still be with him, huh?
29:14Woohoo!
29:15Woohoo!
29:16Good point.
29:17What?
29:18Yes.
29:19Well, that's our show.
29:21We'll see you next time.
29:22Bye-bye.
29:23Bye-bye.
29:24Bye-bye.
29:29Bye-bye.
29:30Bye-bye.
29:31Bye-bye.
29:32Mmm.
29:33Bye-bye.
29:34Bye-bye.
29:35I'm Nicole Sullivan.
29:36Thanks.
29:37You are now watching the TV.
29:48Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan.
29:51Thanks.
29:52You know what I'm sick to death of is guys who go into sex with this I'm holding back attitude,
29:59as if it's a competition to see how long they can make it last.
30:02You know, it's okay, baby, I can go on forever.
30:05Okay, listen.
30:07God engineered the male species to release his seed as often and as quickly as possible.
30:14Okay, and since I am a very spiritual person,
30:17when foreplay lasts any longer than the organ solo on the doors light my fire,
30:24I consider it sacrilege.
30:27Okay, think about it.
30:28The success and dominance of the human race on this planet is based on proliferation.
30:34Now, okay, if cavemen had held back, they would have been ripped to shreds by a saber-toothed tiger
30:41before they could reproduce, right?
30:43I mean, therefore, there is no such thing as being too fast on the draw.
30:47You're just being plain old efficient.
30:51All week, I tape my favorite shows, and I don't get to watch them until Saturday or Sunday.
30:56I mean, the last thing I need is some guy wasting my whole weekend with sex.
31:03I mean, for crying out loud, let's just get it over and move on to ER.
31:06Believe me, the sincerest form of flattery is when a guy is so excited, he can't contain himself.
31:16Every ten seconds, a man in this country commits an expeditious omission.
31:23And to me, that is not nearly often enough.
31:28Let's all work together on this one.
31:30It'll be easier than you think.
31:32I'm Nicole. Thanks for listening.
31:36Bye-bye.
31:48Helen!
31:49Sylvia!
31:50Mwah and mwah!
31:53The last time I saw you was at the Free the Haitians dinner.
31:57Isn't there anything else to eat?
31:59For the $50 I paid to get in here, I should get two more Zinfandels.
32:02Where are those shish kebabs?
32:04Ooh, that's a new pin, isn't it?
32:06My hairdresser gave it to me.
32:07Isn't it fabulous?
32:08It glows in the dark and it plays that sweet song, That's What Friends Are For.
32:14Now, what's that blue and white one you're wearing there?
32:16Oh, this is in support of Quebec's right to secede from Canada.
32:20And that black one?
32:22Oh, that shows my support of the smallpox virus' right not to be destroyed.
32:26Oh, of course, of course.
32:27What's that green one there?
32:29Oh, it's something I just threw on.
32:30Isn't it sweet?
32:31Oh, it's fabulous!
32:33Well, this little Filipino woman in Berkeley made it for me.
32:36She's a quadriplegic who paints with a mouth stick.
32:39She's a little bit expensive, but, you know, sometimes you have to do something for you.
32:43I hear you.
32:44I hear you.
32:44Here's to that.
32:45Isn't this a fabulous cost?
32:47Darlings!
32:48Oh, hello!
32:49How are you?
32:50Mwah, mwah!
32:52Mwah, mwah!
32:52Mwah, mwah!
32:52We're fabulous!
32:54Are you losing weight?
32:55Just a few pounds, but you are a dear for noticing.
32:58Hello there!
32:59Well, any more, and we'll be holding a benefit for you.
33:01You know, this is the most fun I've ever had at one of these functions.
33:10I mean, usually these things are so downbeat.
33:13Wasn't Lonnie Anderson's interpretive dance to die for?
33:15Oh, God, it was fabulous.
33:17But, honey, you know what the new cause du jour is?
33:20Crack horse!
33:21Oh, say no more.
33:23I am on the same page.
33:24Helen, Sylvia, oh, I want you to meet Octopussy Van Sant.
33:28Oh, my God!
33:34I'm this year's poster child.
33:38Y'all like my outfit?
33:40This is the front, and this is the crack.
33:44Oh, well, you look at that!
33:46Fabulous!
33:47Fabulous, yes.
33:48Oh, to take my picture, bitch, it'll last longer.
33:52Oh, and she's sassy, too. I like that.
33:54So, how does one get into crack whoring?
33:59Yes, yes.
34:00Well, three years at Harvard, two years at Princeton, and one bottle of Mad Dog 2020.
34:10Look at that figure. Maybe I should try some crack.
34:14It looks like to me she's already in a head, son.
34:17Oh, she is fabulous. I feel so urban.
34:24Oh, gotta run. Richard Gere is about to read haiku. See you later.
34:28Kiss, kiss.
34:29Kiss, kiss to you. Kiss, kiss to you. Gosh.
34:33Isn't she fabulous?
34:34Oh, a saint.
34:35What was her name?
34:36I can't remember.
34:38I had this stuff under my nails. Is there any napkins around here?
34:42Just use that humongous quilt over there. That's what I did.
34:45Oh, the ones with the names on it? Perfect, perfect.
34:48Now, what was this benefit for again?
34:50I can't remember.
34:52All right. Kiss, kiss.
34:53Kiss, kiss.
34:53Mwah.
35:05Huh? Huh?
35:07Huh?
35:07Huh?
35:07Huh?
35:07Huh?
35:08Huh?
35:09Huh?
35:09Huh?
35:10Huh?
35:10Huh?
35:11Huh?
35:11Huh?
35:12Huh?
35:12Huh?
35:13Huh?
35:13Huh?
35:14Huh?
35:14Huh?
35:15Huh?
35:16Huh?
35:17Huh?
35:18Huh?
35:19Huh?
35:20Huh?
35:21Huh?
35:22Huh?
35:23Huh?
35:24Huh?
35:25Huh?
35:26Huh?
35:27Uh...
35:28Uh...
35:29Next week on Bad TV...
35:30This is Paul's story here...
35:32Loser!
35:33Hey!
35:34The new Smashing Pumpkin CD!
35:36Those guys rock!
35:37All right!
35:38Yeah!
35:39You know what?
35:40Uh-uh!
35:41I'm sorry!
35:42I don't think Santa's gonna be able to see you today!
35:44May!
35:45May!
35:46You're all serious!
35:47You're all serious!
35:48Woohoo!
35:49Woohoo!
35:50I'm sorry!
35:51I'm sorry!
35:52I don't think Santa's gonna be able to see you today!
35:53May!
35:54May!
35:55May!
35:56May!
35:57May!
35:58May!
35:59May!
36:00May!
36:01May!
36:02May!
36:03May!
36:04May!
36:05May!
36:06May!
36:07May!
36:08May!
36:09May!
36:10May!
36:11May!
36:12May!
36:13May!
36:15May!
36:20So, what were we all laughing at?
36:22Nothing, honey, it was nothing.
36:24I like a good laugh too.
36:26What was it?
36:27Uh, nothing.
36:28Mel was just telling some silly old joke.
36:30Well, what was the joke, Mel?
36:31I like a good joke!
36:32Just a stupid joke, really.
36:34Yeah, you know what, honey?
36:35Just forget about it and come and sit down, okay?
36:37Okay.
36:38Okay.
36:39Well, I looked and I looked, and I didn't have any orange pico,
36:42But I did have Jasmine, Lemon Zinger, Morning Thunder, Sleepytime, Tang, Mid-Medley.
36:48Why can't you just tell me the joke?
36:51Because the moment's passed, honey, and it wouldn't be funny telling it again, okay?
36:55But I don't feel part of the group. I feel left out.
37:01Mel? Mel, why don't you just tell her the joke?
37:04Really?
37:05Tell the joke.
37:06Oh, the joke. Okay.
37:08Well, there's this guy, and he's got this ugly duck.
37:13A duck?
37:14Yeah, and he takes this duck everywhere.
37:16Everywhere?
37:17Yeah, like work, beach, restaurants.
37:20Yeah, and finally this guy says, hey, why do you always take this ugly thing with you all the time?
37:27Right, and...
37:28And...
37:29Oh, no, and the duck says, because he's the one with the driver's license.
37:33Right!
37:35That's the joke you're laughing at.
37:38I don't even get it.
37:40See, you think the guy's gonna answer, but the duck does.
37:43I know that.
37:45But it's not that funny, and you guys were laughing really hard.
37:49I mean, it couldn't have been that joke.
37:51It was funny. It was funny, I swear.
37:53Oh, was it something dirty? Tell me.
37:56Tell me...
37:57Susie, relax. There's nothing to get upset about you.
37:58Mary, no, we shouldn't have to tell me!
38:00Honey, we didn't...
38:01Honey, honey, we did.
38:02No, you're liars! You're...
38:03No, it's a big, fat liars!
38:07Maybe we should go.
38:08Damn!
38:09No one leads, so you're telling me what you were laughing at.
38:14Mark Hanson is своих.
38:15Don't answer that!
38:17Sweetheart, please!
38:20Hello.
38:21No!
38:30Okay.
38:32You want to know the truth?
38:34Yes, the truth.
38:36I would like to know the truth.
38:40While you were in the kitchen, Mel and Maureen
38:42asked me how I could stand living with such an insane, lunatic monkey woman like you.
38:51Monkey woman?
38:56Yeah, Mel said you should be working at a circus.
39:01Oh.
39:03Like, come see the monkey woman!
39:11I like the joke!
39:16So, honey, why do you say it with me?
39:26Well, that's the funny part about it.
39:29I was about to tell them that I'm leaving you.
39:32Leaving me?
39:33I like the joke!
39:43I like the joke!
39:46And I've been having an affair for the last year.
39:51She's not the monkey woman!
39:54And it's with your boys.
39:56So you'll probably lose your job!
40:02Because she doesn't want a tense workspace!
40:07Oh, I can always get a job at the circus!
40:10Yeah!
40:10Yeah!
40:15Yeah!
40:15Yeah!
40:15Yeah!
40:16Yeah!
40:17Yeah!
40:17Yeah!
40:18Yeah!
40:18Yeah!
40:18Yeah!
40:19Yeah!
40:20Yeah!
40:20Yeah!
40:20Yeah!
40:21Yeah!
40:22Yeah!
40:22Yeah!
40:23Yeah!
40:23Yeah!
40:24Yeah!
40:24Yeah!
40:25Yeah!
40:25I didn't want to play with that...
40:28I feel like I was about to play with this.
40:32I'm going to play with this.
40:40I'm going to play with the game.
40:43I mean, I don't know if I was a bad guy.
40:45I can play with the game, but I'm not going to play with that.
40:49I'm not going to play with the game.
40:51I'm not going to play with this game.
40:53You are now watching the TV.
41:11Good night, everybody.
41:24Good night.
41:27Say good night, Bill.
41:30What's the matter?
41:30Want another piece of gum?
41:33How you feeling there, Lucky?
41:36I won the lottery.
41:38There's $10 for you, buddy.
41:39He doesn't need $10.
41:40He doesn't need $10.
41:41Buy $100.
41:42Buy yourself a dress or something.
41:44Put down payment on the dress.
41:46Knock yourself out.
41:47You don't have the financial balls, the bourbon pumpkin.
41:50You know what I'll say?
41:52Next time I'm sticking Bingo.
41:56I'm going to put some tips on the game.
41:57Can you help me out, Lucky?
41:58Lucky, Lucky, Lucky.
42:02Can I have my jaw, Pam?
42:04How I love chewing gum.
42:06I'm crazy over chewing gum.
42:08Chu, chu, chu, chu, chu, chu.
42:10I love doing a great job.
42:11I love you, Jun, Jun.
42:12doin', Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun.
42:13Win, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun.
42:14Woo-hoo!
42:15Woo-hoo-hoo!
42:22I won the battery!
42:24You
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42:08
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