- 14 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 13
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01You are now watching Mad TV.
00:04Mad!
00:07Are you bored with all your old toys?
00:09Ever wish you had someone to take care of?
00:12Well, now you do.
00:14Meet Needy Evie, the talking doll that really needs you.
00:18Just press her hand and see how much.
00:20I love you. Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you?
00:25How much? Tell me again. Do you love me? Tell me again.
00:29How much? Comb my hair. Comb my hair. Comb my hair.
00:33Okay.
00:34Help me. I need you to move my legs. Move my legs. Move my legs.
00:38Where were you? I waited. I thought you loved me.
00:41You'll never be alone again.
00:43Hey, how about paying a little attention to me? I'm bored.
00:46Do something. You're not listening to me. I need to be heard. I'm bored.
00:52Where are you going? What are you going to do? Can I watch?
00:54Where are you going? Can I go too? Where are you going? Where are you going?
00:59You're my only friend. Don't leave me. I need you. I really, really need you.
01:03Needy Evie even comes with her own phone.
01:06Why didn't you call me back? I left 16 messages on your machine.
01:10Are you playing with another doll?
01:12You're lying.
01:13Needy Evie. How would you like it if I killed myself? Killed myself.
01:20Honey, put the doll down. It's time to eat.
01:22I can't. She won't let go.
01:25I'm Audrey. When do I get to eat? What about my needs? Doesn't anyone care about me?
01:32Mommy, I'm happy to be.
01:34Honey, what a horrible doll.
01:36Needy Evie. The doll that really needs you.
01:42Needy Evie. Now available in toy stores everywhere.
01:46Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me.
01:49Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Buy me.
01:54Me. Come on. Me. Me. Come on. Come on.
01:59Hey. Hey. You're so crazy.
02:18Hey. Hey.
02:20Tonight on MADtv, the real LaToya Jackson,
02:24Farrah Fawcett,
02:25and Chris Rock.
02:26That's a lot of racism.
02:27You are now watching MADtv.
02:30MADtv.
02:43Hey. Hey.
02:47You. And you. And you. And you. And you. Yes. All of you.
02:52Okay. Welcome to MADtv.
02:53Now, before we begin the show, are there any football fans out there?
02:57That's what I thought.
03:01That's what I thought. That's what I thought.
03:03Now, as you can see, I'm a football fan. I'm a huge 49ers fan.
03:07Yes. Thank you.
03:11The Dallas Cowboys out there.
03:13No. I mean, who wouldn't? I mean, Steve Young.
03:14All right. Steve Young, greatest quarterback. I mean, number eight.
03:17And yeah. No. Yes. And I just actually, if you could just come in for a real quick second.
03:23I just want to, if Steve Young is actually watching, I don't know. I mean, but if I could just have two seconds to talk to him.
03:28I just, Steve, I have, I just, I love you.
03:32Okay. Wow. Wow. See, see, that was too forward. That was too much. That was too aggressive.
03:37Let me stop there and just say, no, I respect your talent as a player. Okay.
03:42And I respect your lifestyle. Yeah. You know, Dennis Rodman was way out of line. Okay.
03:48Mormons are cool. Yeah. Yeah, they are. Yes, they are.
03:52And however, if, and I'm just saying if, one day you wake up and suddenly it's okay to date a woman who drinks and smokes and has premarital sex,
04:03then give me a call. Seriously. Seriously, give me a call.
04:10Okay. Anyway, there, it's out in the open. Okay. Enjoy the show.
04:28No, Billy. I can't dwell on Saturday night. I'm on TV.
04:33Hey!
04:40Before it happens, you get it here on News at Six, L.A.'s top news team with Miguel O'Reilly and Diane Lawyer-Trabajo.
04:51Good evening. I'm Miguel O'Reilly.
04:53And I'm Diane Lawyer-Trabajo.
04:55In an historic move, the government of Great Britain has declared that Northern Ireland is an independent nation.
05:02But first, we go to this important breaking news story. Diane?
05:06Thank you, Miguel. Once again, we find ourselves in the malevolent grip of the cold and flu season.
05:13Epidemic 98.
05:14Now, let's go straight to our new Center Six meteorologist, Chance Cumulus, for more on this.
05:21Chance, what's going on out there?
05:23Well, Diane, we've had up to two to three reports of cold and or flu-like symptoms.
05:29According to our estimates, the entire Southland could be feeling these symptoms within the week.
05:34You know, I gotta say I knew it.
05:35Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
05:36Chance, have you been in contact with the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta?
05:41Nope.
05:42Heaven almighty.
05:44Oh, my God.
05:45Yeah.
05:46Epidemic 98.
05:49Chance, would this super virus so weaken us that we would be helpless to a sudden attack by killer bees?
05:56Yes, Diane. And don't think the bees haven't thought about that.
06:02Okay, let's go now to Sue Napersville in the field for more on this. Go ahead, Sue.
06:07This is the last time, all right? I want an anchor position.
06:09I want an out-in-the-field trap. Diane would never be out in the field, okay?
06:13I think we're going to have to... We'll come back to Sue in a little bit.
06:19Chance, when you say virus...
06:21Diane!
06:22Okay, Bob, do we have her?
06:24Okay, go ahead, Sue.
06:27Okay, I guess we're going to have to come back.
06:29Diane!
06:29Go ahead, Sue.
06:30Diane!
06:31Go ahead, Sue.
06:32Hello, Diane. Can you hear me?
06:34I can hear you, Sue.
06:36Where is Diane?
06:38I'm right here, Sue.
06:40One moment, Diane.
06:46I'm wearing this level four bio suit in an effort to protect me from the virulent outbreak now ravaging the city.
06:54Excuse me for asking, but doesn't the level four bio suit only work if the headpiece is sealed?
06:59I believe I was addressing Diane.
07:03Excuse me for asking, but doesn't the level four bio suit only work if the headpiece is sealed?
07:10Yes, Diane, but it was important that you hear what I have to report.
07:15I'm standing here with Rosa Marti-Corena, designated patient zero.
07:20She was the first to be stricken by this horrible plague.
07:24Can you describe to me and to these people the symptoms through which you've suffered so far?
07:28Oh, you see, I was dusting my house and making a paper omelette when all of a sudden I sneezed.
07:39Okay, Sue, can you ask her to recreate that sneeze for us so that our viewers at home will be able to recognize the onset of this catastrophic pathogen?
07:51People watching at home and in your boats and in your car, set your VCRs now.
07:55Oh, yeah.
07:56All right, now I know this is difficult.
07:57What is difficult?
08:00To sneeze.
08:01We're going to have you sneeze.
08:02I don't know.
08:05How old are you?
08:07How old are you?
08:10Epidemic of 98.
08:12Wow, that is scary stuff.
08:14It really is.
08:15Yeah.
08:15Make that chicken gumbo now.
08:17And how, right?
08:19Diane, I need to break in here with the startling new development.
08:23I believe Rosa is on the early stages of yet another sneeze.
08:27Bob, are we getting all this?
08:29I hate to interrupt here, but I have to say this is the power that live television has to bring us all together.
08:36All right, Diane, we'll get back to you when there is an update on this potential sneeze.
08:40Okay, Sue, but first, could this human-specific virus enter the killer bee's body, mutating it into a colossal insect over 50 feet in length?
08:51Yes, yes, and it just might be what they've been planning all along.
08:56Epidemic of 98.
08:59And in that same spirit, Chance, if the giant mutant killer bees were to conquer and enslave virus-weakened humanity,
09:08could a rag-tag band of resistance fighters, armed only with stone knives, bearskins, and a lot of heart,
09:16fight their way out of the pollen mines and rebuild humanity?
09:19Well, Diane, we had certainly better hope so.
09:23True words were never spoke.
09:27And other news today.
09:29Oh, my God, it's here. It's here. The virus has hit News Center 6.
09:34Epidemic 98.
09:36And don't miss News at 6 at 11 with Mutant Bee Congress 98.
09:45Hey!
09:49All right, we're back, everybody.
09:59My next guest is a very, very, very talented woman who comes from an extraordinarily talented family of entertainment legends.
10:05And, you know, you might know that over the last couple of years, we've had a couple of laughs at her expense.
10:10And, you know, that was just jokes, you know.
10:14And now, we hope that's all in the past.
10:16Please welcome LaToya Jackson.
10:17I've got to say, you look truly radiant and beautiful tonight, and it's a pleasure to have you.
10:35Why, thank you, Jay.
10:36And, you know, I just want to point out that I hope you're not upset about all the jokes that we've been doing over the last couple of years, you know.
10:41Jay, I have a sense of humor, and I can take it on the chin.
10:46I know you can, because, frankly, Jay, you don't have a choice, do you?
10:49Oh, well, you know, I'm a comedian, you know.
10:54I make jokes about weird things, and your family is weird, except for you, of course.
10:58Oh, come on, Jay.
11:01I knew you were Two-Face.
11:02You talk about me, you talk about my family, but now that I'm here on the show, you're sucking up to me, aren't you?
11:10It's just jokes.
11:12It's a comedy show.
11:15Don't try to get out of this one, chin boy.
11:17Why didn't you just crack your jokes to my face?
11:19Why didn't you joke about my psychic lines?
11:21Why didn't you joke about Tito's pot belly?
11:23Oh, and you've got to admit, if Tito didn't eat so macho, then his T-shirt-o wouldn't be so tight-o.
11:30That's it, Jay. I've had it.
11:32How would you guys like to see me make a psychic prediction on this?
11:40Corn act in the house, ladies and gentlemen.
11:43One more joke about me or my family, and I see you meeting with grave misfortunes, Jay.
11:49Oh, grave misfortunes?
11:50What, am I going to have to drive Jermaine to his shift at the airport snack bar?
11:54That's it, Jay. You're really going to get it now, Jay. You're going to get it.
11:58Ooh, I'm shaking.
12:01What, are you going to stick Michael on me?
12:04Come on, Jay.
12:06What's for trashing my sister's book?
12:10What's for making jokes about bubbles?
12:14What's for making fun of Tito's weight problems?
12:17Hey, everybody, it's the king of pop. Michael Jackson's in the house.
12:25You have to stop right there. Get it.
12:26Oh, sorry. Thanks, Tito.
12:32Save some for me, Michael.
12:34It's all yours, Janet.
12:36Hey, it's the multi-talented Janet Jackson that's here, ladies and gentlemen.
12:46That's for making fun of Latoya's Playboy spread.
12:50And that's for the elephant man's bones jokes.
12:52Tito, tag her out. Tag her out.
13:03Hey, it's Tito, ladies and gentlemen.
13:11Nice golf shoes, Tito.
13:13Why don't you show Jay?
13:14The time has come for the Jackson family to seek justice for all the injustice that's been done to us.
13:27And we're mad as hell, and we're not going to take this anymore.
13:30And if you think that you can mess with us, you have to answer to Latoya.
13:34Yeah, Janet, Michael, Tito, move.
13:43The Jacksons.
13:45Move that sandwich.
13:50Jay will be right back with one of the Baldwin's.
13:59Nicole, this is the psychic hotline.
14:01We'll see a bright future.
14:02Just be careful.
14:03Don't work with him.
14:07Get off Mad TV.
14:08Get off Mad TV.
14:09No!
14:12You are now watching Mad TV.
14:16May!
14:18I've given you my time and my effort.
14:21I have tried.
14:22I have tried.
14:23And now you do this.
14:25You gave me no choice.
14:27Oh, come off it.
14:28You wanted the truth.
14:30You got the truth.
14:31Well, the truth is you aborted my son, and you didn't even tell me.
14:36Why would I want something of yours living inside of me?
14:40Well, that makes you a murderer.
14:42Do you understand that?
14:43I couldn't do that to an innocent baby, bringing it into this house with your poison and your
14:49alcoholic, invalid mother.
14:52I'm out of this relationship.
14:54I'll tell you that.
14:55Yeah, well, that's fine.
14:56That is fine.
14:57Because the damage is done, sweetheart.
14:59You killed my life.
15:00Our children are worthless failures.
15:03And my life is dead.
15:04I'm calling a lawyer.
15:06Fine.
15:06I'm getting a divorce.
15:08Great.
15:09That's fine with me.
15:10I will see you in hell, sweetheart.
15:11You can rot in hell.
15:15Right.
15:15Right.
15:16Right.
15:31Thanks.
15:32Thanks for coming.
15:33Great party.
15:34Are you having trouble finding your ideal mate?
15:53How about any mate?
15:55Do you fear you'd be the last man or woman on earth still not getting any?
15:59Are you using roofies to score?
16:01Well, and yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams.
16:06Well, wake up sleeping ugly.
16:08Because your only hope is lowered expectations.
16:11Our video library allows you to choose from thousands of chronically rejected singles just
16:17as hard up and pathetic as you.
16:18So good luck.
16:19You'll need it.
16:20Needy Eevee number 933.
16:23I need someone who will love me and never leave me.
16:26Is that you?
16:27Is it?
16:27Answer me.
16:28Stop ignoring me.
16:30I'm talking to you.
16:31I'm a little doll and I deserve to be loved.
16:34Why can't you see that?
16:35Closer.
16:36Come closer.
16:38Try and look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me.
16:41I dare you.
16:42So why haven't you called yet?
16:44I'm waiting.
16:45Hurry up or I'll kill myself.
16:48Cowdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Crawdy, Cowdy, Cowdy, Judi, Cockdy,
16:55Callie, Cowdy, Call.
16:57933.
17:01Lower expectation.
17:03CNN presents Great American Debates
17:13Two people plucked from the headlines face off on the hard-hitting issues of the day
17:18Tonight, Farrakhan versus Farrah
17:22Tonight's topic, the American ideal of beauty, real or racist
17:27First, Minister Farrakhan
17:29Let me begin by saying that the American ideal of beauty
17:33is a white ideal of beauty
17:35Yeah
17:36Blonde, blue-eyed, and thin-lipped
17:40Now, I'm not saying that's not beautiful
17:42But me, I look at the women of the world
17:45All the dark-skinned, dark-haired, brown-eyed, full-lipped women of substance
17:49Here you go, boy
17:51And I ask you, why is that not seen?
17:56Why is that image not shown?
17:58What is white America afraid of?
18:00I would like to hear my opponent answer that question
18:03Oh, me too
18:05I'm talking about you, Farrah
18:09What do you have to say for your people?
18:12You're bad
18:14Ah-ha, there we go
18:16The black man is always the bad man
18:19I see the racism in you has finally surfaced through the mist that clouds your mind
18:24Now we come to the original question
18:26Yeah
18:27Do you like my hair better up like this, sort of sophisticated
18:31Or down like this, more little girl lost?
18:37Oh, the blue-eyed she-devil is a tricky adversary
18:40But I will not be led astray
18:42I ask you this
18:44Where was the black angel?
18:46Could not your Mr. Charlie have gotten Christy love?
18:49Wait, I have something to say about that
18:53Good
18:54Uh-huh
18:55Well?
18:57Did you hear a pussy cat?
18:59No, I did not hear a cat
19:02Here, kitty, kitty
19:03I ask you, the audience
19:07Why were there only three angels?
19:09I don't know why
19:10Shut up
19:12There were three angels
19:17Let's take that number three
19:18Multiply three by fifty
19:21Which is the age of Miss Fawcett's original body parts
19:25And you get one hundred fifty
19:26Her name, Farrah
19:28Farrah
19:29Has six letters
19:30Fawcett, seven
19:32Six times seven is forty-two
19:35Plus one hundred and fifty
19:36Gives you one hundred and ninety-two
19:38If you don't stop talking
19:40I'm gonna cry
19:42Three hundred and eighty-four
19:44Plus sixteen
19:45The average age of her young white fans
19:48Equals four hundred
19:49Which is how many years
19:51The black man has been held down
19:53By this demonocracy called America
19:55Hey!
19:56It wasn't a pussy cat
19:58It was just a little flashlight
20:00Look at me on King Kong
20:03That concludes this week's Great American Debates
20:08Tune in next week when the Dalai Lama squares off with Dolly Parton
20:12The topic
20:13Cheese
20:14Hey!
20:15Why didn't I get cheese?
20:19Oh wow
20:20Coming up next
20:27Coming up next on Mad TV
20:30Watching Ellen turns you gay
20:32I mean, how weird did you do it?
20:35I want you to meet your new partner
20:37It's a new kind of cop show with a new kind of cop
20:40Good lord, it's a nice house
20:45You are now watching Mad TV
20:51Coming from 20th Century Fox
20:56A remake of an American classic about tolerance and understanding
20:59I can't wait to meet Jill's fiancee
21:02She seems so excited
21:04Yeah, we were so excited
21:05Oh, there they are
21:07Hi, daddy
21:12It's so good to see you
21:14Honey
21:14Where's the future son-in-law we've heard so much about?
21:18Oh, I hope you guys like him
21:19Well, sweetheart, I'm sure we will
21:21Now, sweetheart, the only thing that matters to us is your happiness
21:24Good lord, it's a nice house
21:27Oh my god
21:29Chris Rock in
21:31Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
21:3398
21:33How much you pay for a house like this?
21:37Well, we bought it a long time ago, so
21:38Bet you got a good deal on it
21:40You got nice neighbors
21:41Well, yes, they're very kind
21:43Well, you better not let them see me
21:44Or you ain't gonna have them for long
21:46Isn't he hysterical?
21:49He certainly is
21:51Oh, I sure do like this house
21:53Come on over here, Jill
21:55Sit your blonde-haired prep school upper class
21:57Going to the debutante ball ass on down
21:59Oh
22:00So, Chris, the comedy business is obviously treating you well
22:06Oh, yeah
22:06This brother's getting paid
22:08I'm not like your average brother
22:11Sitting around waiting for the eagle to fly every two weeks
22:13I work hot
22:15Well, I'm sure you do because I remember
22:17No, no
22:18A white man works hot
22:20A brother works hot
22:22H-O-D
22:24Hot
22:25I sure do love you, Jill
22:27Oh, that's wonderful
22:29So, uh, Chris, where do you and Jill plan to live?
22:32Live?
22:33We're gonna live wherever we want
22:35Because this brother's getting paid
22:37Right, I heard that in your little bit
22:39But Jill was saying that it was possible that you'd be living in...
22:42And Paula Jones
22:44Paula Jones?
22:46Of course Bill Clinton ain't gonna admit to having sex with her
22:49There ain't enough beer in Milwaukee to make a man admit to that
22:53Oh, my
22:55That is so true
22:58Yeah, that's, uh, that's quite an observation
23:00You know, I...
23:01And why do black people eat the most dangerous food in the world?
23:05As if there ain't enough ways for us to die
23:07I mean, you ever seen the menu in a soul food restaurant?
23:12Man, you got pork rinds
23:14Pork loins
23:15Pork ribs
23:16Pork roast
23:17Pork chops
23:19Pork tartar
23:20Pork muffins
23:22Pork on the cob
23:23Pork ice cream
23:25Pork soda
23:26Will you please shut up?
23:29Good Lord, that's a lot of racism
23:31Daddy, Daddy, how could you do that?
23:36You always raised me to treat everyone equal
23:39Honey, I...
23:39We don't hate him because he's black
23:41It's just...
23:42You are the most annoying human being I've ever met
23:45You are obnoxious, irritating, loud, and ugly
23:48But for some reason, I just can't help but love you
23:53It's true, it's true
23:56Coming from anyone else, this material would be completely unamusing
24:00But somehow from you, it's...
24:02It's fresh and insightful
24:03That's why this brother's getting paid
24:06It's Chris Rock in...
24:10Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, 98
24:12And what's up with my hands?
24:15What am I, mumbling or something?
24:17Do I got kung fu grip?
24:19How am I supposed to dial 1-800-CANET?
24:21Good Lord, go see it
24:23Cause I got to get paid
24:25Yeah, that's what it's called
24:27Parker Sisters, number 275
24:42I'm Vonda
24:43And I'm Wanda
24:45And the Parker Sisters have arrived!
24:47Yep, we're two of the hottest babes you ever laid your horny eyes on
24:51Yeah, and that's all you're ever gonna lay on us
24:53So quit your slobbering!
24:55And put it back in your pants!
24:56Cause you ain't gonna get no freebies with us!
24:58That's right, if you want a trip to my all-you-can-eat salad bar
25:02You better put a ring on this here finger
25:04And if you want some of my creamy Italian
25:06You better put one on this finger, too
25:08Until then, you ain't gonna get none of this
25:10None of this
25:11And a spatula
25:12None of this!
25:14Lord Parker Sisters, that's how we feel, 7, 5
25:17What is the big rush to get us back to your apartment?
25:29Oh, come on, babe
25:30It's Wednesday night, and that's a killer night for TV
25:32Yeah, big night
25:33You brought us back here to watch TV?
25:35Talk about your cheap dates
25:37Say, Bruce
25:39It's 9.30
25:41I wonder if there's anything on ABC
25:42ABC? 9.30?
25:45Beats me, bud!
25:48Coming up next, Ellen licks a big problem
25:51Jodie Foster guest stars on a very special Ellen
25:54Ellen? I've never seen this show
25:56Yeah, but my minister warned me not to watch it
25:58Oh, come on, you guys
26:00I mean, it's just a TV show
26:02Yeah, what could happen?
26:04I'll get the camera
26:05Have you seen Ellen?
26:09She should have been back from her golf game by now
26:11Maybe she got a hole in one
26:13Ellen, welcome home, you big woman loving woman
26:17Something weird is happening
26:23Yeah, I feel a little hot and tingly in my private no-no place
26:28Rob, you were right, it's working
26:32Marla, I never realized what a fox you were
26:37Shut up and hold me, Brenda, you butch
26:40Oh, man, I told you
26:42Watching Ellen turns you gay
26:43We are gonna have us some hot girl-on-girl action tonight
26:47Just be careful, Bruce
26:48Don't look at the screen
26:49Look out, world
26:51This girl is gonna strut her stuff
26:54Oh, no, you looked at the screen
26:56Don't fight it, Miss Thing
26:58Give in to the power of Ellen
27:01Ellen, Ellen, Ellen, Ellen, Ellen
27:06No, no
27:07Hello, I'm Jerry Falwell
27:11Please don't watch Ellen
27:13You see, homosexuals aren't born that way
27:16But rather are converted through sissy magic homo fairy beams
27:20Secretly amidified from Ellen DeGenerate
27:22Don't let this happen to your kids
27:26We're all gay now
27:29Yay!
27:31Please keep America straight
27:33Don't allow them to watch
27:35To watch
27:37Ellen, your rug is all wet
27:39What have you and Jody been doing?
27:41Ellen?
27:43Oh, my God
27:44I'm here, I'm clear, can't you just do it
27:50I always wanted to be a preacher's wife
27:54Hey, guys, if we hurry, we can make last call at TJ McFistie's
27:58TJ McFistie's, America's favorite gay bar
28:04Located in the historic Tenderloin District
28:07Mention Ellen and get in free
28:09Because I, there's nothing here, but now there's something here or something, I don't know
28:16Bing
28:16Bing
28:18You're watching Mad TV
28:21You're gonna do something?
28:23You are now watching Mad TV
28:25I cannot believe this traffic
28:36Looks like it turns into one lane up
28:38Great, that's just perfect
28:39I mean, there's nothing we can do about it
28:41Did you see that guy? He just cut me off, son of a bitch!
28:44Breaking your hand is not gonna make the traffic go any faster, Allison
28:46Douchebag!
28:48Don't yell at the window like that
28:49You have no idea who's got a gun like that
28:51Ralph at work says that his cousin was helped
28:53I'm gonna hit that bastard
28:53If you hadn't gotten lost to Allison, you wouldn't be so grumpy
28:56We're not lost, Roger
28:57You should have just stopped for directions like I told you
28:59I do not need directions, Roger, because we're not lost
29:01Don't shout at me
29:02I am not shouting at me
29:02You're shouting right now
29:04This is not shouting!
29:05What are you doing?
29:05I'm turning up the heat
29:06What? It's a hundred freakin' degrees in there
29:08I'm chilling
29:08Well, put on a sweater, Roger
29:10From the size of your suitcase
29:11Looks like you packed about 30
29:13Well, since someone didn't ask how dressy the cocktail party was
29:16I had to bring a few choices
29:17Watch the road
29:18Oh, thank you
29:19I should have brought my other belts
29:21I'm gonna look like a cow next to Felix
29:23He's always turning heads
29:24Well, with an ass like he's got, I could see why
29:28Pardon me?
29:31Hmm?
29:32What did you say? Ass like he's got a...
29:33He's got an ass...
29:34He's got a nice ass, Roger
29:36Well, maybe he'd rather be with Felix and his ass than me
29:39No, babe, will you get off it, please?
29:40You know, that is not an answer
29:42And don't you dare shout at me
29:43I am not shouting!
29:45This is not shouting!
29:46I'm not shouting!
29:47And don't cry!
29:48Don't cry!
29:49You know, I'm not feeling very attractive right now, Allison
29:51I'm feeling very vulnerable
29:52And the least you could do is be sensitive to that
29:54Okay, okay, fine
29:55I'll make a deal with you
29:56I'll be more sensitive if you shut your mouth!
30:01I'm sorry
30:02It's hard, Allison
30:03I know
30:04It's really hard, you don't know that
30:05You know, all my friends are married
30:07You know what I mean?
30:08And I'm so sick and tired of coming up with excuses
30:10You know, I don't need a piece of paper to prove that we love each other
30:13Oh, we're not in a hurry
30:15I'm not getting any younger
30:16You know, and I don't know how I'm going to go home for a reason without a ring
30:19I don't know how I'm going to go
30:20It's not you!
30:21It's not you!
30:22No, it's not!
30:23No, it's me!
30:24It's me!
30:25I'm not ready for a commitment
30:27Not right now
30:28At least
30:28I'm weak!
30:29I'm weak that way!
30:30No, you're great!
30:30No, you're great!
30:31No, you're great!
30:32No, I'm overreacting
30:34I'm overreacting
30:35Okay
30:36Do you love me?
30:40What do you think?
30:44I love you too
30:45I just get a little anxious on these road trips
30:46I know you do
30:47Especially the ones overnight
30:48Please?
30:49Please?
30:50You know, I just miss the dog
30:51I know
30:52Do you think we can trust a Thompson boy to mow the lawn?
30:53Please, he's fine
30:54You know, it gets a little rough by those patches near the garage
30:56I know
30:56What?
30:57Did I leave the barbecue lit?
30:59God, don't do that when I'm driving!
31:03How many times have I told you that you scared the hell out of me?
31:06No, no, I shut it off after I shut off the TV
31:08Fine, fine, good
31:10It's going fine
31:10We're going to have a wonderful trip
31:12Oh, yeah
31:12Great
31:13Oh, here we go, here we go
31:17Okay
31:18Sit on it
31:20It's a little monkey pup
31:21You're a monkey pup
31:21Don't, don't call me that
31:22Please?
31:23We're going to come a bunny
31:24You know, that is nothing but irritating
31:25Frank Dillon's been a cop all his life
31:36And his partner of 12 years has just been killed
31:40Fridays on Fox mean action and heart
31:44Wasn't your fault, Frank
31:48Only been there just two seconds early
31:51Well, there's no time to feel sorry for yourself
31:54I need you on the streets now, Frank
31:56Yeah, all right
31:57Now, I want you to meet your new partner
31:59Fox TV and Del Monte Productions presents Cream of Cop
32:05I ain't working with him
32:07He's been kicked out of every precinct in the city
32:09He's a loose cannon
32:10Man, I'd rather work alone
32:11Now, listen, Frank
32:12He may have an attitude
32:14But next to you, he's the best damn cop I ever seen
32:17Now, you two work it out
32:19And that's an order
32:20Okay, pal
32:24I don't like you
32:25And you don't like me
32:26So this is how this is going to go down
32:27You don't say nothing
32:29And you stay out of my way
32:30And I'm driving
32:31Now, get the hell off my desk
32:34It's a new kind of cop show
32:36With a new kind of cop
32:37Starring Rinaldo Brown as Ray Brown
32:40And a can of creamed corn as Lee Crockett
32:42Cover me
32:50Got it
32:58Hey, cop
32:59No
33:01Don't you die on me
33:10Don't you die on me
33:12Gin again?
33:24Looks like somebody here's earned themselves a gold shield
33:28Frank
33:29There's been a rash of prostitute killings in the Tenderloin District
33:33You want to work this one alone?
33:36I don't know
33:37My partner might have something to say about that
33:40Cream of cop coming to Fox
33:59No
34:00Oh
34:02Oh
34:02Oh
34:13Oh
34:13Oh
34:14Yeah
34:14Oh
34:15Oh
34:15Oh
34:16Oh
34:17Oh
34:17Oh
34:18Oh
34:18Oh
34:18You are now watching MADtv.
34:31MAD!
34:38All righty.
34:40Let's get started. Are you ready?
34:42Yep.
34:43Okay.
34:44Case number 1141.
34:46Male, victim, approximately 20 to 30 years of age.
34:52Cause of death appears to be massive blunt trauma around the head.
34:56Blunt trauma?
34:59Wait a second.
35:01Uh, cause of death appears to be a single gunshot wound to the head.
35:04Okay, single gunshot.
35:06Make that two gunshot wounds.
35:09Two gunshot wounds?
35:10Hold on.
35:10There appears to be a length of pipe with a plastic cap driven in through the ear into the brain.
35:16It appears to be a drum majorette baton.
35:19Death brought on by a combination of gunshot wounds, cranial piercing, and blunt trauma.
35:23Trauma, blunt, trauma.
35:25Hold on.
35:26There's also a shotgun blast to the chest.
35:29Lacerating stab wounds near and around the heart and the torso and the throat and the head.
35:34Wait.
35:34The cause of death is a missing heart.
35:38Also blunt trauma to the chest, the intestines, another drum majorette baton through the liver.
35:44Hold on.
35:46Evidence of forced sexual entry through the navel.
35:48The navel's been pulled open.
35:50Also forced sexual entry through the multiple gunshot and stab wounds.
35:54Must have been some party, huh?
35:56Some party.
35:58The bowels have been tied around the neck, Garrett style, with a testicle bolo.
36:03Scratch that ovary bolo.
36:04Let's find out where those ovaries are from.
36:06Bowls, testicles, ovaries, question mark.
36:09Right.
36:10And knees bent backwards.
36:12Evidence of forced sexual entry through the knees.
36:16Eyeballs in the ears.
36:18Entire body painted flat black from head to toe.
36:21And pineapple slices embedded in gluteal tissues.
36:27Wait a second.
36:28Check that.
36:29Ass replaced with ham.
36:31All right.
36:34I'm done with the visual inspection.
36:35I'm going to go inside and see what I can find.
36:38Hello.
36:39Here we go.
36:41The lungs are filled with hair.
36:43The kidneys have been replaced with squeaky dog toys.
36:47One, two.
36:49Squeaky, squeaky.
36:50And the spine is made of candy.
36:54Okay.
36:55And it looks like...
36:57Yes.
36:59The victim's last meal was lasagna.
37:02It is this coroner's opinion the cause of death?
37:05Suicide.
37:07You hungry?
37:09Yeah.
37:09You want to grab a bite to eat?
37:10Yeah, what's open?
37:11This guy.
37:15I'm not bringing him to the time.
37:17You have had a little time for me.
37:18What do you want to do?
37:21Tommy, you say it really?
37:22Yes.
37:23Yes.
37:32Lowering expectation.
37:36Harvey, number three, three, six.
37:39Hey, how you doing?
37:40I'm Harvey.
37:42I'm a director.
37:43I direct films.
37:44I'm a film director.
37:45Maybe you've seen some of my films.
37:47Secrets of Thighs.
37:49Ass Magnet.
37:50That one was mine.
37:51How much is that doggy style in the window?
37:54And Police Academy 4.
37:55Mm-hmm.
37:56Mm.
37:56Um, so if you feel like going out or just breaking into the business,
38:00just give me a call.
38:04I'll make you a star.
38:06Okay, cut.
38:07Um, I think that, I think I was right the first time.
38:09Maybe we should do this with, uh,
38:11my clothes off and keep it sexy.
38:16For Harvey, press round three, three, six.
38:19I'm Larry Whitman, and you're listening to KHKO,
38:32all talk radio with traffic on the twos.
38:34Updates every even minute.
38:35Looks like the Sepulveda Pass is clogged by a personal injury accident
38:38involving a motorcycle and a pedestrian.
38:40Seems there's a severed head in the number four lane.
38:43Emergency vehicles are on the scene.
38:45For more on the road conditions, let's go to our eagle eye in the sky, Jet Jenkins.
38:49Hi, I'm Jet Jenkins, high above the city.
38:52On the Golden State Freeway, it appears that a portal to hell is opened
38:55and demons are spilling out onto the roadway,
38:57tearing open cars and devouring the occupants.
38:59On the 105 southbound, traffic has slowed to a crawl
39:02due to a rain of flaming meteors.
39:04Whoa, boy, that was close.
39:05Oh, my God!
39:08Thank you, Jet.
39:09And here with the breaking story is CHP officer Liz Wilcox.
39:12Liz?
39:13Larry, now we've got a downed traffic helicopter on the 605.
39:17If you're traveling in the valley, be advised that the dead have returned to life
39:20and are again walking the earth.
39:22So be alert for those extra pedestrians and give them a break.
39:25Back to you there.
39:26Thanks, Liz.
39:27This just in, the entire city of industry has disappeared in a gout of blue flame.
39:31That's leading to a lot of rubbernecking, which, of course, is causing snarled traffic.
39:35And over on the 118 east, a 30-foot-tall archangel holding a flaming sword
39:39has materialized in the center lane.
39:41LAPD units are en route, and we've got four spectral horsemen galloping along the harbor
39:46freeway, leaving death, famine, war, and pestilence in their wake.
39:49That's going to make the morning drive a real nightmare for some of you folks out there.
39:52Oh, and last but not least, the Sunset Boulevard exit off the 101 east is closed due to heavy
39:58road construction.
39:59Damn it!
40:00I can't believe this!
40:02Oh, Laura, this is Pam.
40:08Can you believe it?
40:08They closed the exit again!
40:11Yeah.
40:13God, I hate this town!
40:15Come on, move it, a-hole!
40:21Why do you have the brother in the background?
40:22That's what I'm going to know.
40:23Oh, thank you.
40:27Notice that I can dance and keep it deep at the same time.
40:29It's a black thing.
40:30I'll teach you later.
40:32Yes!
40:33Good fun, huh?
40:33Thank you, everybody.
40:34We hope you had fun.
40:36We had fun having you, and good night.
40:52Good night!
40:53Good night!
40:54Good night!
40:55Good night!
40:56Good night!
40:57Good night!
40:58Good night!
40:59Good night!
41:00Good night!
41:01Good night!
41:02Good night!
41:03Good night!
41:04Good night!
41:05Good night!
41:06Good night!
41:07Good night!
41:08Good night!
41:09Good night!
41:10Good night!
41:11Good night!
41:12Good night!
41:13Good night!
41:14Good night!
41:15Good night!
41:16Good night!
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41:18Good night!
41:19Good night!
41:20Good night!
41:21Good night!
41:22Good night!
41:23Good night!
41:24Good night!
41:25Good night!
41:26Good night!
41:27Good night!
41:28You
41:35You
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