- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 12
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01You are now watching MADtv!
00:05May!
00:07James Cameron's epic disaster film, Titanic,
00:10re-enacts the horrific true events of nearly 1,500 helpless people
00:15who were damned to a watery grave.
00:17After you see the film,
00:19eat the fun with the Titanic Happy Meal from McRonald's.
00:23Relive every tragic moment with colorful illustrations from the movie.
00:27More ice, please.
00:29And Mom, look, it's educational.
00:32Look at this fun fact.
00:34The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg,
00:36and ice can be used to numb extremities before amputation.
00:41I have scrambled all these words.
00:44And just like the Titanic's exploding boiler,
00:47each Happy Meal burger comes with ten victim action figurines cooked inside.
00:54Collect all 1,486 victims.
00:57Aw, I got a survivor.
01:00He looks rich!
01:02Titanic Happy Meal, only at McRonald's.
01:05I'm drowning in fun!
01:07Woo!
01:08Woo!
01:09Man!
01:14Man!
01:15Come on.
01:16Yeah!
01:17Yeah!
01:18Come on!
01:19Man!
01:20Man!
01:21You're so...
01:24crazy!
01:25Man!
01:27Tonight on MADtv, Pam Green, 2020, Too Hot for TV, Ms. Swan, and Corky and the Juice Pigs.
01:47We are now watching the TV.
01:57Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct pleasure and honor to welcome our guests tonight.
02:18Please help me give a badass welcome to Ms. Pam Greer.
02:27Hey, it's such a great pleasure to be hosting MADtv tonight.
02:52You have no idea.
02:54And you guys, hey, from the heart, I love y'all.
02:55Okay.
02:57Now, I know a lot of you are probably saying, like, damn, that's fine, almost fine, black
03:09woman.
03:10Who is she?
03:10She looks familiar.
03:11Who is she?
03:11Where has she been?
03:12Where do I know her from?
03:13Well, maybe this will give you a hint.
03:16Padah.
03:16See what I started?
03:30And let's get on with the show.
03:33Why do you have the brother in the background?
03:46That's what I want to know.
03:47Oh, crazy.
03:50You know the second dance and keep it deep at the same time?
03:53It's a black thing.
03:54I'll teach you later.
03:54Field report.
04:07Agent Dana Scully recording.
04:09Agent Mulder and I have come to Los Angeles, California to interview a possible alien abductee.
04:14Although I have my doubts as to the veracity of this witness, Agent Mulder seems all too
04:19ready to believe.
04:23Mulder, I think you're getting your hopes up too high.
04:26Listen, Scully, after all this woman has seen, she could blow the lid off the entire government
04:32conspiracy concerning extraterrestrial life.
04:34But the credibility of UFO abductees has so far never been substantiated by any respected
04:40authority.
04:41With all you've seen, Scully, you still don't believe?
04:44Well, this could be the one that'll turn it around.
04:47No, we're closed.
04:48Wait for FBI.
04:52Ms. Swan, I'm Special Agent Mulder.
04:54This is Special Agent Scully.
04:55Okay, I have a special tool.
04:56I do $2 and $6.
04:58No, Ms. Swan, we're not here for a manicure.
05:01Too bad.
05:02You need.
05:04Ms. Swan, we're here to talk about your experience.
05:07Oh, yeah.
05:09I tell you, I saw everything.
05:11She saw everything.
05:12This ought to be good.
05:14I understand you were abducted a few days ago?
05:17Oh, yeah.
05:18Very spooky.
05:19I tell you, everything.
05:21Can you tell me what the alien who abducted you looked like?
05:24Yeah.
05:24I tell you, he looked like a man.
05:31Interesting.
05:32The alien was humanoid in appearance.
05:34No.
05:35You no listen.
05:37No.
05:38So he didn't look like a human?
05:39I tell you, yeah.
05:41Okay.
05:41Everything.
05:43Ms. Swan, if you didn't look like a human, what did he look like?
05:46Like a man.
05:48All right, Ms. Swan.
05:48Could you be a little more specific?
05:50Okay.
05:52Specific?
05:52You've never said specific before.
05:55She's right, Mulder.
05:58My mistake.
05:59Was he green?
06:01Yeah, you know.
06:02Okay.
06:02You're green like me.
06:03You're green like you.
06:04You know.
06:05You know.
06:05I did notice he could use a moisturizer.
06:08You know, so dry, you know.
06:10So he was wrinkled.
06:12Yeah.
06:12You know, ashy from the space wind.
06:15What?
06:16And bad nails, too.
06:17Like a her.
06:19Mulder, this is a waste of time.
06:21She's obviously confused.
06:23Hello.
06:24She can hear you.
06:25I'm standing right here.
06:28Okay, I'm sorry.
06:29Let's get right to the point.
06:30Did they try to probe you?
06:32What probe?
06:33What probe?
06:34Did the alien try and get...
06:36Oh!
06:39You have a fresh mouth.
06:42Please.
06:42Ms. Swan, this is very important to me.
06:45You're my only hope.
06:47Would you be willing to undergo some sort of hypnosis to remember what the alien looked like?
06:52No, not you.
06:53I don't trust you.
06:54You have a fresh mouth.
06:55Okay.
06:56Fine.
06:57I'll do the hypnosis.
06:59No, no.
07:00You have a bad nails.
07:01Never smile.
07:02You know, you need a man.
07:03You know, little boom-boom.
07:10I want you to focus on this eyebrow pencil.
07:14Okay, I focus, but you're not probe.
07:18Okay, you're getting sleepy.
07:20Very sleepy.
07:22Okay, sleepy.
07:25I work all day here, gorgeous, pretty, boldiness, and I, you know, and I get tape from Jenny McCarty.
07:34You know, she make me laugh.
07:37Her fake breasts are funny.
07:39Can you please try and concentrate, Ms. Swan?
07:44You're in the alien spacecraft.
07:46Okay, and yeah, spacecraft spooky.
07:50Oh, no, hey, that knife, don't put it there.
07:53Don't put what, where?
07:54What are you talking about?
07:55Are you being probed?
07:56I don't know.
07:58What did you see?
08:02Can you see the alien?
08:05Yeah, I see the alien, yeah.
08:06Yeah?
08:07Can you describe what he looks like?
08:08Yeah, he...
08:10Yeah?
08:12He...
08:12Go on.
08:13He look like a man.
08:14No!
08:15Wait a minute, little girl.
08:17I think I know what she's trying to say.
08:20I hope so.
08:22She's saying that the alien, he look like a man.
08:26I have held it together for four seasons of this stupid show, but I have just about had
08:35it, because all she said was, he look like a man.
08:38Well, you know what, Scully?
08:40I look like an alien.
08:41I look like a blender.
08:43I look like a butterfly.
08:44I just want to do movies.
08:46My wife's really skinny.
08:48I don't really care anymore.
08:50Woo!
08:51Woo!
08:52Woo!
08:52Woo!
08:54I look like a man.
08:56He look like a man.
08:57Everybody look like a alien.
09:03I tell him everything.
09:05The truth out there.
09:08I hear you, sister.
09:10Shortly after this assignment, Agent Mulder suffered a catastrophic mental breakdown.
09:15We never did find out the connection, if any, between Miss Swan and the possible existence
09:19of extraterrestrials, but this special agent did get a manicure that was out of this world.
09:24I tell you, these people, they talk funny.
09:34You know, they make me laugh.
09:36Funny.
09:37You know, he asked me, I tell him, you look like a man, you know?
09:47You look like a man.
09:48I look like a man.
09:49I know, that's what I told him.
09:51You look like a man.
09:52And I look like a man.
09:53Okay, you know?
09:55Like a man.
09:56You have nice nails, you know that?
09:58Much better than E.T., you know?
10:01So ugly.
10:02Oh, so ugly.
10:03And now, back to 2020 with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters.
10:16Well, that was a very informative report, brother.
10:21Thank you, Hugh.
10:22I hope young mothers everywhere take this message to heart.
10:27Right, absolutely.
10:30What message?
10:31About babies drowning in as little as three inches of water.
10:36Three inches?
10:36That's impossible.
10:38Did you even listen to my report?
10:39Do you even know where you are, Hugh?
10:44Shove it up your ass, you witch.
10:46All right.
10:46It's on.
10:48From the producers of the totally censored bloopers,
10:51Cops Too Hot for TV,
10:53and Jerry Springer Too Hot for TV,
10:55comes 2020 Too Hot for TV.
10:58You'll see Hugh and Barbara take on the tough issues
11:01like they've never been taken on before.
11:04Breast exam.
11:05The censors said no,
11:10but you can say yes with this triple-X action.
11:17Police brutality.
11:19No.
11:20No, no, no, no, no, no!
11:22You think you know these grumpy old newscasters?
11:25Well, think again.
11:27Sex in the workplace.
11:32Alcoholism.
11:33Oh, get over here, Hugh, yeah!
11:36Yeah, you, Hugh!
11:37I took your hands a day of the week!
11:39I hate people!
11:42And youth today.
11:44It's rough, it's raw,
11:46and you need to see it to believe it.
11:48Definitely not for kids or lightweights.
11:51They rip the lid off all the issues.
11:54Peace.
11:55Ah!
11:59Uncut, uncensored, and unfit for TV.
12:02If you can handle excessive violence,
12:04unnatural sex,
12:05and outrageous profanity so hot
12:07you'll need oven mints just to watch it,
12:09call 1-800-555-0199 to order now.
12:13For $39.95,
12:15we'll rush you the 2020 Too Hot for TV video
12:17in a plain round wrapper.
12:19Because I was nothing here, but
12:23now there's something here or something?
12:25I don't know.
12:26Bing!
12:28Bing!
12:29You're watching MAD TV.
12:31You're gonna do something with that?
12:33You are now watching MAD TV.
12:36MAD!
12:37Welcome!
12:47This is the Banner Chat,
12:49and this is Dixie Wetsworth.
12:53You like?
12:54I like.
12:57Now, before we get to the show today,
12:59and God knows sometimes we never do,
13:01I've got some bad news to share.
13:03Apparently, my surgeon Mishima's been accused
13:05of fondling his patients
13:07while they're under anesthesia.
13:09More bad news.
13:10I'm not the one he's been fondling.
13:13Well, nothing a hundred bucks won't fix.
13:15Ah!
13:17Speaking of knockouts,
13:18give it up for the sultan of sweat,
13:20James Brown, Jr.
13:29James, welcome!
13:30Oh, he's just so happy to be alive.
13:40Really?
13:41Apparently, James has been working
13:43on a ventriloquist act.
13:44This ought to be bizarre beyond belief.
13:46Go ahead.
13:52Oh, bravo, James.
13:57I love that story.
13:58If you've got it, flaunt it,
13:59even if you don't know
14:00what it is you've got.
14:02Ah!
14:03All right, let's bring out today's guest.
14:05I'm very excited about having her on the show.
14:07Not only is she the grand dame of cinema,
14:10she's kicked more ass
14:11than Frances the Talking Mule.
14:13Ladies and gentlemen,
14:14the one, the only,
14:15Pam Grier!
14:16Oh!
14:26Oh, my God!
14:28Wow, you're stunning!
14:29Oh, thank you.
14:31That is so nice of you to say that.
14:32And I brought you a little something.
14:34Since you invited me to your cabana,
14:37this is a cabana gift.
14:38Not Tupperware, cabana.
14:39Oh, you're my favorite guest so far.
14:42No one's ever brought me a gift.
14:44Oh, I just had my wrists re-boned.
14:47These'll cover the scars nicely.
14:49Yeah, girl.
14:52They're gonna look lovely on it.
14:53Just fabulous.
14:54Oh, high praise coming from the original Fox.
14:56Please, Pam, sit.
14:58Ew.
14:58Ah!
14:59Ah!
15:01Ah!
15:03Pam, how do you do it?
15:04Tell me your secrets.
15:05Uh, well, I just, you know,
15:06take good care of myself.
15:08Live right, love right,
15:10and that's something I've gotten real good at
15:12over the years.
15:12Oh!
15:13You're starring in the new Quentin Tarantino film.
15:18How was that?
15:19Well, the film's called Jackie Brown,
15:21and, girl, it was a fantastic experience.
15:23It really was.
15:24I worked with Sam Jackson, that's Pulp Fiction,
15:26Robert De Niro, Raging Bull,
15:28and Michael Keaton, Batman.
15:29And, of course, Quentin, you know,
15:31he was very hands-on.
15:32Oh!
15:33Damn!
15:34Oh!
15:35Damn!
15:36Damn, you know it!
15:37Only, only one James Brown!
15:39Oh!
15:39Oh!
15:40Looks like James is jealous.
15:43James, use your puppet!
15:46Damn!
15:46Yeah?
15:46What you doing?
15:47Only one James Brown!
15:49Give me a kiss, baby!
15:49Okay, okay, okay.
15:51Hey!
15:52That was good!
15:54James, on your feet.
15:56Pam, I need to know!
15:59I need to know!
16:01When you're down to me!
16:02Hey!
16:04He wants to know, Pam.
16:06Will you dance with him?
16:07Oh, yeah, maybe at the end of the show.
16:10Oh!
16:10Uh-oh.
16:11He's got to hold his breath till then,
16:13so we better make it quick.
16:14Now, listen.
16:15We've narrowed down this fool boy for a day contest
16:17to the final three,
16:18so let's have a look at them now.
16:23Now?
16:25Hello, Dixie.
16:27I'm Chad from Florida, North Dakota.
16:29Here's a special dance I made just for you.
16:31I want you to know how cool I am.
16:46Okay, one more time.
16:47Brian!
16:48No!
16:48No!
16:49Please let me show you the dance.
16:52I'm actually much taller in real life.
17:05What do you think of that?
17:24Uh, not a dry seat in the house.
17:27Moisture!
17:28Ah!
17:28You go, girl!
17:29Oh, looks like James is down.
17:32Looks like he's going to have to take a rain check on that dance.
17:36Oh, well, James, you know, here,
17:37I'll just give you a little I-O-U, baby.
17:40Oh, how about that?
17:41Ah!
17:42I feel good now!
17:45Ah, it's just like Sleeping Beauty.
17:47Only Sleeping Beauty has a woody.
17:49I'm referring to the puppet, of course.
17:52Moisture!
17:52Ah!
17:53That's all the time we have for today's show.
17:55I'd like to thank my magnificent guest, Pam Bria.
17:58Oh, thank you.
18:01My pleasure.
18:02I should come by here more often?
18:04Yes, you should.
18:04Oh, yeah.
18:05This has been Cabana Chat,
18:06and this, ah, ah, ah, is Dixie Wets Run.
18:09Yes!
18:10Yes!
18:12Yes!
18:16Yes!
18:17Yes!
18:17Yes!
18:17Yes!
18:17Yes!
18:17Yes!
18:18Yes!
18:18Yes!
18:19Yes!
18:19Yes!
18:20Yes!
18:20Yes!
18:21Yes!
18:21Yes!
18:22Yes!
18:22Yes!
18:23Yes!
18:23Yes!
18:24Yes!
18:24Yes!
18:25Yes!
18:25Mommy, Mommy, look what I found.
18:26Can I keep him?
18:27Oh, my God.
18:28No, honey, that's a dead animal.
18:30Throw that in the garbage right now.
18:32It's probably full of germs.
18:34Aw, nuts.
18:35I never get to keep anything.
18:38How many times has this happened to you?
18:40One of your children brings home Roadkill,
18:42and you just wind up throwing it out.
18:44Well, not anymore.
18:46Not with the Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress.
18:49The what?
18:50The Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress.
18:53Just leaving Roadkill on the road to be eaten by maggots is a good deal for the maggots.
18:57But why not let the Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress make it a good deal for you?
19:02Sounds great, but how's the darn thing work?
19:05Simply plug the Megapress in and place the Roadkill in the front compartment.
19:09Rotate the Roadkill selector to match your Roadkill.
19:12Bird, cat, chipmunk, dog, squirrel, possum, raccoon, small moose, groundhog, and undetermined.
19:24Simply rotate the press wheel and let the Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress do the rest.
19:29There's nothing like the aroma of Roadkill to get your gastric juices flowing.
19:34Open the front door and you have a tasty slab of lunchmeat.
19:38Don't spend all that money on store-bought lunchmeats when the Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress can make you a killing.
19:48Say, tastes fine.
19:52And not a trace of bone or hair or teeth.
19:55Okay, maybe a little bone.
19:59I may not get to keep them, but at least I can eat them.
20:03And with the Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress, clean up is a breeze.
20:07Simply scrape the scrap meat, blood, bone, and hair into the trash, and you're ready for another tasty meal.
20:19Dinner.
20:20Yeah!
20:20The Roadkill Lunchmeat Megapress.
20:23Get yours today.
20:25Because who knew you could turn this into this.
20:30Coming up next, you're not.
20:32Coming up next on Man TV.
20:34They're not pretty.
20:36Bone sex girls are not pretty.
20:38If they want to win, they got to whap, then crack, then bingly bop.
20:42Definitely.
20:43I am a superhero from the future and they call me Revolution.
20:47Revolution.
20:48Super Negro, please.
20:49You are now watching Man TV.
20:59Yo, what's up?
21:01Well, there you are, yo.
21:01I hope you guys are having a good time.
21:02But right now, I need you to help me introduce the six most beautiful names in the English language.
21:06Corky and the Juice Pigs.
21:08Live!
21:14Pick up the phone.
21:16Get out your tool.
21:18Just remember the golden rule.
21:23They're not pretty.
21:25Phone sex girls are not pretty.
21:28They're not pretty.
21:31Phone sex girls are not pretty.
21:33Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof.
21:35Hi, my name is Belinda.
21:37And you've called the horny pizza network.
21:42Get out your paparami.
21:44Stick it in my dough.
21:46We'll pop it in my oven and see what rises.
21:48Pretty phone sex girls are not pretty.
21:51Pretty, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.
21:53Pretty phone sex girls are not pretty.
21:56Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof.
21:58Hi, my name's Buttersticks.
22:02And you've called the horny primate hotline.
22:06Come on in.
22:07Give me a call.
22:08I've got naughty, naughty apes here.
22:10They're touching me.
22:11Oh, look out.
22:12Ooh, it's getting creepy.
22:13Oh, my.
22:14They're ruining the curtains.
22:15Call later.
22:17They're not pretty.
22:19Phone sex girls are not pretty.
22:21Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.
22:24Pretty phone sex girls are not pretty.
22:26Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof.
22:29Hello.
22:30My name's Indora.
22:31And you've called the hermaphrodite bisexual sex rod.
22:35Give me a call.
22:37And I will meet all your needs.
22:39Get naked.
22:40Listen.
22:41I'll call you.
22:42Roll on the floor.
22:43Get the children to come out of their shed with a log.
22:45And beat you.
22:48Pretty phone sex girls are not pretty.
22:49Bonesets girls are not pretty
22:51I want my mama made pretty
22:54Bonesets girls are not pretty
22:56Now listen folks, huh
22:58You get excited about thinking
23:01How exciting it is to be
23:04How exciting
23:07Things are hot and things are sweaty
23:10There's only one answer
23:12Let it go
23:14Let it go
23:17Pretty phone sex girls are not pretty
23:21Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
23:23Pretty phone sex girls are not pretty
23:47Damn it, Ebony Phantom
23:58The Justice League is out on another mission
24:00And here we are swinging around playing dominoes again
24:03This is a waste of our superpowers
24:05Why you always get so righteous when you lose it?
24:07Look, it has been three years since Aquaman versus Topeka Board of Education
24:11And so far they've only let one of us in the Justice League?
24:15Yeah, and look who they picked
24:17Uncle America
24:19Thanks, y'all
24:21Our souls did have a fine time
24:23Fighting crime with y'all today
24:25See you later
24:31High silhouettes
24:33High Irvine Phantom
24:34Will you quit doing that?
24:35You are with us now
24:37Oh, man, you do that all day long
24:39It's just so hard to drop it
24:40You know what?
24:41It's colored heroes like you that are setting us all back
24:44Mm-mm
24:45Face it, Uncle America
24:46You're just a tool for the white superhero power structure
24:48Hey, at least I'm out going on missions
24:50I'm not sitting around here playing dominoes
24:52Batman and Superman sneak on to Lex Luthor's Island Fortress
24:56And they send you in to check for landmines
24:59Hey, I found two
25:01Man, they ought to call you Captain Sellout
25:04Brother, you're just jealous because I know how to play the game
25:07Super Negro, please
25:09Uncle America, I have a job for you
25:20Something that requires your special talents
25:22Well, I was ready, willing and evil, Cap Crusader
25:25Yeah, right
25:27Anyway, it seems that Flash had a little shindig over at his place last night
25:32And, you know, the Flash and his wild parties
25:34Actually, no, we don't
25:36Uh, yeah, anyway
25:38Anyway, he was in a hurry this morning and he didn't get a chance to clean up
25:42So, you know, wait a minute
25:43The fastest man on earth couldn't find time to clean up after his cell?
25:47Yeah, hey, go figure
25:49So, uh, anyway, if you could just get right on that
25:52Um, excuse me, Batman
25:54When are we going to join the front ranks of the Justice League?
25:58Well, let me tell you, you people are making great strides
26:01Just look at this newest issue of the Negro Justice League comic book
26:05Oh, you're a credit to your kind
26:08Take this off
26:09Let me see that
26:10Can you believe this?
26:13Shuffle into danger?
26:16Oh, Lordy
26:17We show is a scant?
26:19Oh
26:20Oh
26:21Well, well, well, come on, guys
26:22It's just a little dramatic license
26:25Then take a look at this
26:29I'm killed
26:31I'm killed
26:32Hmm, looks like your dramatic license just expired
26:35Well, I guess this is just the way it's going to be
26:39It's the way it's always going to be
26:44Don't be so sure of that, my brother
26:47Who are you?
26:49I am a superhero from the future and they call me
26:52Revolution!
26:53Revolution!
26:54Revolution!
26:59Damn!
27:00But your future might not ever happen if you give up the fight now
27:03What you mean?
27:04In the future that I come from, things are very different
27:07Black people have thrown off the shackles of oppression
27:10And they hold their heads up high
27:12Except for on the WB
27:14What's the WB?
27:15You'll find out, okay?
27:16Well, what's important is the decision that you make at this very moment
27:21You, Silhouette
27:22You will save the life of Tiger Woods, the first African-American golf champion
27:27Negroes playing golf
27:29Where?
27:30And you, Ebony Phantom
27:31Your son will be the first black man to go into outer space
27:35Yeah, intentionally, right?
27:37Uh-huh
27:38I don't know
27:39I just don't see this happening
27:40No, no, listen up, Uncle Tom
27:42I mean, Uncle America
27:43I mean, you've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and led astray
27:47And it's time for a change
27:48Now, only you, only you can make it happen
27:50You can make it happen
27:51You can make it happen
27:52Happen
27:53Happen
27:54Happen
27:55Happen
27:56Happen
27:57Happen
28:01She's right
28:02That's it
28:03From this moment forward, I am no longer
28:06Uncle America
28:07From now on, I'm the white nightmare
28:13No longer will I be a second-class superhero
28:16I will fight for justice by any means necessary
28:20The lead communicator
28:22This is Batman
28:25The entire Justice League has been captured by the Legion of Doom
28:28And is being held prisoner
28:30We need your help
28:33Yeah?
28:34Well, now you know how it feels
28:35Why don't you try pulling yourself up by your bat straps?
28:40Come on, brother and sister
28:42I think it's time for us to go
28:44To rescue the Justice League?
28:46Man, haven't you been listening?
28:48No
28:49I'm talking about going to Montgomery, Alabama
28:51And taking some of the starch out of some of those white sheets
28:54All right
28:55To the front of the bus
28:57And beyond
29:19Susan Whitfield, number 623
29:22Hi, my name is Susan Whitfield
29:24And I'm doing this to break out of my shell
29:27And take charge of my life
29:29And I don't care what everyone says
29:31Because I'm special
29:33And I deserve that special someone
29:35So look out, world
29:37Because here I come
29:39So, I'd like a guy who doesn't like to dance
29:43And doesn't want to be with a girl who's cute
29:45Or even really fun
29:46And he shouldn't mind that she has a tear duct problem
29:49Where her eyes pass up to the point
29:52Where it looks like I slept on a cake
29:55I'm really into reading
29:56I especially like long books
29:58Because they go on forever
29:59And it's like having friends
30:02But the most important thing you should know about me is
30:06Four
30:07Susan Whitfield, press pound
30:08Six
30:09Two
30:10Three
30:11This is what we do in between funny skips
30:21Fat and sugar
30:22What comedy is made of
30:23Funny
30:24You are now watching MAD TV
30:30MAD
30:34Hoping
30:35It's Susan's way of life
30:37Just hoping
30:39With the troubles and strife
30:40Stop moving
30:42Let a smile be your shield
30:45And here's your host
30:46Susan Whitfield
30:48Hi, welcome to the Susan Whitfield Show
30:53I'm Susan Whitfield
30:55Although sometimes I wish I wasn't
30:58Teen Tips
31:00Oh, okay, I guess it's time for Teen Tips
31:04Um, so today we're talking about skin care
31:08This one gave me a rash
31:11This one made me break out worse and gave me a rash
31:14This one gave me a rash
31:17But it wasn't a really bad rash
31:19So I guess this is the one I'd recommend
31:22Okay, so today's guests are really cool
31:28So I hope I don't blow it
31:30First from Ventura High
31:32He's Student Council President Justin Thomas
31:36Then from Mount Jordan High
31:38He's Captain of the football team Chris Finn
31:41And then from right here in Riverland
31:42She's head cheerleader Missy Simpson
31:46So today we're talking about dating
31:49Which affects everyone here
31:51Except for me
31:53Because no one ever asks me out
31:55Um, but I heard it's really important to look cool on a date
31:59Because you never get a second chance to make a first impression
32:02Unless you're me
32:04Because no one ever remembers me the first time
32:07So Justin, what's your problem?
32:09Well, my girlfriend just moved to another state
32:13And I feel like we're never going to get to see each other
32:15You know, so I don't know if we should break up or what
32:18That sucks, yeah
32:19Um, look at me
32:21I've never had a breakup with anyone
32:23Because I've never even been on a date
32:25So it's better to have loved and lost than to be me
32:28Yeah, well, I guess that kind of puts it in perspective
32:33My problem is my mom keeps trying to set me up on dates with our next door neighbor
32:37Oh my God, that totally sucks
32:39Okay, I know because, um, there's this really creepy girl in my neighborhood, right?
32:43And so sometimes I talk to her because I, like, feel sorry for her
32:45But then she comes up to me when I'm in the lunchroom with my friends
32:51And I'm like, ew, gross!
32:54Okay, Missy, I won't come up to you in the lunchroom anymore
32:57Thanks, I didn't want to say anything
33:00Anyway, okay, my problem is that, um, my boyfriend are in a really huge fight
33:05Because I want to take my Camaro to Homecoming
33:06But he wants to take his totally ugly purple and green Trans Am
33:10Is it a stick shift?
33:12Now, I think it's automatic, actually
33:13That anyone ever lets you get in their car
33:16I get car sick a lot
33:18So now whenever I go anywhere with my dad
33:20I sit in the back of the pickup
33:22And my dog sits in the front
33:24With my dad
33:28Well, uh, there is this one girl I really like
33:30But she's in a really expensive restaurant, so
33:32And what is wrong with that?
33:33All I'm saying is I had to spend my entire allowance on just one day
33:37Last Friday?
33:39No, no, no, I want to take the wrong
33:41Last Friday?
33:43What is it?
33:45Last Friday, my mom said she was going out for milk
33:49But she didn't come home until Monday
33:52And the only thing to eat in the house was hamburger helper
33:55But there is no hamburger, so I just had helper for three days
34:00So you should be happy
34:03Yeah, I feel a lot better
34:04I mean, I guess it's because
34:07I'm not you
34:09Thanks, Susan
34:11I mean, you're welcome, I guess
34:12So now maybe I can sit with you at lunch?
34:15Yeah, that'll happen
34:17Um, okay, so that's our show
34:24So, um, remember if you ever have a problem
34:27Look at me
34:29Okay, um, so tune in next week
34:32When we'll be talking...
34:34Oh, oh, okay
34:35Linda Wade
34:37Madison
34:48Mrs. Barone, number 863
34:50Mr. Jay
34:51The name, Jewel Barone, my sign, cancer, turn-ons, emphysemas, stomas, and a wheezing
35:02heck in the morning, turn-offs, exercise, and oxygen.
35:10This lucky striker's looking for one cool camel to light up her life with some second-hand
35:16smoke.
35:16I need a man who likes to smoke, who likes a lady who likes to smoke even more.
35:24There it is.
35:27I offer plenty of matches and nights of low aerobic passion.
35:36I'm only 35 and still maintain my girlish, charming figure.
35:42See how smoking helps me keep my weight down.
35:44So, if you're single and have at least one working lung, give us a call.
36:00Cleverous.
36:01For Mrs. Barone, press pound 863.
36:06Cleverous.
36:07Cleverous.
36:08Cleverous.
36:09You are now watching Mad TV.
36:18Mad.
36:20Three, two, one, and cue him.
36:23All right, we're back.
36:24Charlie Travers here with huge Jim Hayden and Leon Quay.
36:28And there's only 15 seconds left on the clock.
36:30And this is a heck of a football game.
36:32And that means good football.
36:34Because when this man says heck of, he means heck of.
36:37Well, these guys definitely be getting in each other's face.
36:40Taking it to the limit.
36:41Pushing it to the limit for the team.
36:43Team ever getting it done.
36:45Pushing to the limit.
36:46What do you think, Big Jim?
36:48Well, you know, so far we've had 30 good whams, 20 good bobs, and 6 good bams.
36:53It's just good wham, bam, bop football.
36:55Here we go.
36:56The Broncos are on their own 40.
36:57Elway back to pass.
36:59It's a draw play.
37:00Hands off to Terrell Davis.
37:01Out the middle.
37:02Wow.
37:02Oh.
37:03Bam.
37:04Oh.
37:04Bam.
37:05Bam is stopped.
37:06And I mean stopped.
37:08Bye, Johnson.
37:09Woo.
37:09Ha, ha.
37:10He boomed that guy.
37:11I tell you, I got a hit like that once.
37:12And I went, I got it.
37:14Last chance time for Denver.
37:16This is it.
37:16Don't go away, folks.
37:17We got an unbelievable game here.
37:20All right, we're off the air, guys.
37:21We're clear.
37:22So did Donna call you back?
37:23Oh, yeah.
37:24We're going out tonight.
37:24Where?
37:25We're just...
37:25Yeah, you are cheap.
37:27Yeah.
37:28I've given the guy tickets.
37:29He's coming to games.
37:30We got to finish business, Batches.
37:32Here I am, Batches.
37:33This is so unfair, because I put his team in my car.
37:34Good.
37:35What are you going to wear tonight?
37:36I'm thinking of money.
37:37Batches!
37:38Okay, everybody, we're back.
37:40Okay, you know what?
37:40You better get Jim back.
37:42In five, four, three.
37:46Okay, we're back, and the season is riding on this one play.
37:50They got to go, bring it, and go, and get going.
37:52Hey, if they want to win, they got to whack, then crack,
37:55then bingledy bop.
37:56Definitely.
37:57They got to boom.
37:59All right.
37:59All right, there's the snap.
38:01Oh, pow!
38:02Bait's back.
38:03Kablingo!
38:03There's the throw.
38:04Puppity bam bam!
38:05Picked off!
38:07Bam!
38:07Bam!
38:08Bam!
38:08Bam!
38:08Bam!
38:09Bam!
38:09I gotta tell you, it's over.
38:11Big time.
38:12This has been one of the most amazing games this broadcaster's ever seen.
38:17Ha!
38:17And stay tuned, because next week, we're coming to you live from my hometown, Soldier Field,
38:21Chicago.
38:23Chicago?
38:24Okay, we're off the air.
38:25Batches!
38:26All right.
38:27All right.
38:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
38:30Oh, oh, oh, oh!
38:58Oh
39:28Oh
39:58I'm not sure what's going on.
40:28Alright, alright. Thank you. I hope you had a great time tonight. I did. Love you all. Love the one you're with. And see Jackie Brown. Hey, love you, Kevin.
41:28You have nice nails, you know that? Much better than E.T., you know?
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