- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 9
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching MADtv
00:05May!
00:07Good evening, my fellow Americans.
00:09For some time now, I've been seeking a broadened authority to make international trade deals.
00:13Now, I just came back from a wonderful lunch with the Chancellor of Germany where...
00:16Boo!
00:17Rotwurst.
00:18Pardon me.
00:21Where we discussed a proposal that would directly influence our economic prosperity.
00:25Now, with this authority known as Fast Track...
00:27Boo!
00:28Congress would be able to say yes or no to international trade deals without altering them.
00:32All Americans must be able to reap the fruits of...
00:35Boo!
00:36...of the economic growth that we've experienced as a nation.
00:38But we can't do that...
00:39Boo!
00:40...by stepping off the path of economic growth.
00:42Now, trade could create a downward pressure in the workplace over the next few years,
00:47and think, though...
00:48Boo!
00:49That wouldn't really hurt.
00:51But we must think of the overwhelmingly positive effects.
00:54Hey, the trade could create for us in the years to come.
00:57And if we don't...
00:58Boo!
00:59Set the rules...
01:00Hey, for trade now...
01:01Boo!
01:02Boo!
01:03They will be set for us.
01:05All right.
01:06Thank you very much, and God bless America!
01:24Come on!
01:25Come on!
01:26Come on!
01:27Man!
01:28Man!
01:29You're so...
01:30Man!
01:31Crazy!
01:32Man!
01:33Ooh!
01:34Man!
01:35Man!
01:36Man!
01:45Man!
01:46Man!
01:47Tonight on MADtv...
01:48Jillian Anderson and David Duchovny...
01:49Darlene McBride...
01:50...and Officer Hank Putty...
01:52You are now watching MADtv...
01:54You are now watching the TV!
02:10Thank you!
02:12Thank you!
02:18Welcome!
02:20This is Bad TV!
02:21Um, before I start the show,
02:24I'd like to give a little shout-out to a couple of kids
02:26I met on the Mad TV bus tour,
02:29Little Man in Milwaukee,
02:31and Paul in Bozeman, Montana.
02:33Hi, guys!
02:34See, I promised him that I would say hello.
02:36To the rest of you, I would like to say,
02:38we've got a great show,
02:39stay tuned,
02:40and laugh, laugh, laugh!
02:51This is what we do in between funny skits.
02:56Now!
02:57Fat and sugar.
02:58It's what comedy is made of.
03:00Funny!
03:01May!
03:05May!
03:06Before it happens, you get it here on News at Six,
03:13LA's top news team with Miguel O'Reilly and Diane Lawyer-Trabajo.
03:18Good evening, I'm Miguel O'Reilly.
03:20And I'm Diane Lawyer-Trabajo.
03:22And it's a great night for news.
03:242,000 people were killed in a landslide in Algeria today,
03:27but now this breaking story.
03:29Diane?
03:31Thank you, Miguel.
03:32The Southland has been plunged into sudden, unexpected darkness
03:36from which there seems to be no reprieve.
03:39Scientists have termed this sudden onslaught of premature night
03:44Daylight Savings Time.
03:46Let's go straight to Sue Napersville out in the field for more on this.
03:49Sue, go ahead.
03:51Diane!
03:52Okay, Sue, go ahead.
03:53Yes, Diane!
03:55Diane!
03:56I'm not sure Sue can hear us.
03:57Diane, can you hear me?
03:58Yes, okay, Sue, go, yes, go ahead.
04:01Okay, I think we're gonna have to...
04:02Diane!
04:03Okay, go ahead, Sue, please go ahead.
04:06Sue, can you tell us what's going on out there?
04:09Well, Diane, there's a whole lot of darkness.
04:13Darkness 97.
04:16Just frighten me, just frighten me.
04:18You can say that again.
04:19Let's go to our meteorologist, Chance Cumulus, for more on this.
04:22Chance, how will this darkness affect the weather?
04:26Well, Diane, the darker it gets, the cooler it gets.
04:31Chance, in all this darkness, what about the blind people?
04:34Won't they be operating under a distinct advantage in these conditions?
04:37Absolutely, absolutely.
04:39This gives blind people what we like to refer to as a leg up.
04:43Chance, could this darkness send a blind person stumbling into a nest of killer bees, unleashing them in a murderous frenzy?
04:53Yes. See, this is exactly the kind of opportunity that killer bees wait their entire lives for.
04:59And for those of you who have just tuned in, we are in the midst of Darkness 97.
05:04Darkness 97.
05:07Sue, I understand you have someone out there with you. Am I correct on that?
05:10Miguel, this is Rosa Marticorena, who just suffered a horrible ordeal.
05:15Would you tell the people what happened to you?
05:17Um...
05:18I was wearing my sunglasses, touching my eyes from the sun, and I had them on, and then I had to take them off, and I got caught.
05:33Chance, what in heaven's name is going on out there?
05:39Well, Diane, with this all-enshrouding darkness, we actually seem to be losing time.
05:45By our best estimates, we have lost roughly one hour.
05:49Sue? Excuse me. Sue? Sue, we've got to go back to Sue.
05:54Diane! Sue, are you there?
05:56Diane! Sue, I can hear you, but I can't see you.
06:00Diane!
06:02It's Miguel.
06:03Where's Diane?
06:05I'm right here, Sue. Sue, what's going on out there?
06:09Well, Diane, almost...
06:11Good God, we've lost her again.
06:14She could be dead.
06:15Let's pray for Sue.
06:17Chance, with all this darkness, could the killer bees provoked by the dazed and confused blind people
06:24be drawn to the bright lights of a commercial airliner, clogging the engine intakes,
06:29and causing the airplane to crash into a school bus full of small children.
06:34That is a very real possibility.
06:36Now, Chance, if I understand you correctly, if this darkness continues, will time as we know it simply stop?
06:44No.
06:45Interesting.
06:46Well, I'm sorry to break in here, but we have just received word that four nuclear devices have been activated, detonated, and exploded over Great Britain.
06:57Anyway, when we return, we will have more exclusive coverage of Darkness 97.
07:03Darkness 97.
07:05And don't miss News at 6 at 11 with Ice Age 97.
07:09Followed by Arctic Bee Swarm 97.
07:12It's good to be back.
07:13I was on vacation in Nova Scotia for a few...
07:14In full units, we have reports of a drunken citizen at the corner of 11th and Cheel.
07:15Putty responding.
07:16Bad Toys, Bad Toys, Bad Toys, Bad Toys, What you gonna do when they risk on you, Bad Toys?
07:37Clops.
07:38Filmed frame by frame with the animated men and women of law enforcement.
07:44Blow the man down.
07:46Blow the man down.
07:49How you doing, buddy?
07:50Hey.
07:51You been drinking?
07:52Drinking?
07:53No, no, no, no.
07:54No drinking.
07:55Uh-huh.
07:56Is that your arm?
07:57My arm?
07:58No, no.
07:59That's your arm.
08:00All right.
08:01I'd like you to take a little test for me.
08:03I want you to touch your nose.
08:04No problemo.
08:05Yeah, that's great.
08:06Tell you what, Mr. Head.
08:07You and I are gonna take a little ride downtown.
08:08I don't wanna.
08:09I'm sorry.
08:10I didn't mean to.
08:11He's a little baked.
08:12So I'm just gonna take him downtown and let him sleep it off.
08:14This should come out, too.
08:15It's just cheese.
08:16It's cheddar.
08:17Buckle up.
08:18Um, hello, yes.
08:19Good evening, sir.
08:20We have a report that you have a neglected animal on the premises.
08:21A neglected animal?
08:22Uh, no, sir.
08:23I'm sorry.
08:24I think you must have the wrong house.
08:25I'm sorry.
08:26I think you must have the wrong house.
08:27I'm sorry.
08:28I'm sorry.
08:29I didn't mean to.
08:30I'm sorry.
08:31I didn't mean to.
08:32He's a little baked.
08:33So I'm just gonna take him downtown and let him sleep it off.
08:34Um, hello, yes.
08:38Good evening, sir.
08:39We have a report that you have a neglected animal on the premises?
08:43A neglected animal?
08:44Uh, no, sir.
08:45I'm sorry.
08:46I think you must have the wrong house.
08:47Well, uh, you do have a dog, don't you, sir?
08:50A dog?
08:51Um, yes, yes, yes.
08:53Can we take a look at him?
08:55Yeah, boy.
08:56Yeah, boy.
08:57Come on now.
08:58Come on now.
08:59Seems a little scared of you.
09:01Oh, no.
09:02He's just not good around strangers.
09:08He doesn't seem to like you two, are you?
09:10Oh, it's just how he claims.
09:12Get down, bro.
09:13So help me, God, I'll cave your head in.
09:16Bad dog.
09:17Uh-oh.
09:20Hold on, hold on.
09:21Shouldn't bother a dog while he's eating, right?
09:24This is putty.
09:25I need an animal control van to 613 Beachwood.
09:28It's a dog-eat-dog world.
09:32Yeah, an employee went berserk in the, uh, plant-em-nuts factory.
09:36Uh-huh.
09:37Yeah, we got witnesses that say he's killed at least ten other employees.
09:41Wow, this guy's crazy.
09:42Yeah, he's holed up in that office over there.
09:44I mean, call me crazy, but I got a bad feeling about this guy.
09:48All right then, let's do it.
09:49Okay.
09:50Okay.
09:51Back and load.
09:52This guy here in front.
09:53TJ, round the back.
09:54Get ready.
09:55Freeze!
09:56Don't move!
09:57Well, hello!
09:58Anyone care for some party mix?
10:00Take it slow, Peanut.
10:01I will not repeat myself.
10:02Put the weapon down!
10:03I got a bead on it.
10:04Okay, buddy, let go of that cashew!
10:06Gesundheit!
10:07Help me!
10:08Just put the nutcracker down!
10:09Put it down!
10:10Not a chance, clopper!
10:12We're all going down!
10:14Tonight's the night when everyone goes nuts!
10:16Don't do it, Peanut!
10:17Nobody has to get hurt!
10:18That's hell!
10:19Now who's the nut, huh?
10:20Peanut, no!
10:21Oh, my...
10:22Oh, man.
10:23That's ugly.
10:24Apparently he was just having a dispute with the company over the control of his image.
10:29Been hanging on to Sanity by the skin of his nuts for the last few years.
10:34But tonight he finally cracked.
10:37Went in there, assaulted all those nuts.
10:40It's just sad.
10:42Life, it means peanuts.
10:45Are you enjoying this at home?
10:50I'm the tab of the world!
10:51Now that is...
10:52Wow!
10:53Good for you.
10:54MAD!
10:55You are now watching MAD TV!
10:59MAD!
11:04That was the biggest turkey they had at Wilson Farms.
11:0726 pounds!
11:08That's great, Dad.
11:10It's too bad Patty couldn't be with us this Thanksgiving, though.
11:13Oh, I know.
11:14Now I'm gonna cry.
11:15Mom.
11:18That's her!
11:20Hello?
11:22Oh, hello, Patty!
11:24Oh, no, no, it's just your mother and me and your sister so far.
11:27Tell her we love her and we miss her.
11:29Your mom says she loves and misses you.
11:31Ask her if she got the dish towels I sent.
11:33Did you get the dish towels your mom sent?
11:35Oh, you know, tell her I couldn't get the ones to match the hot pepper motif, so I got the pineapples.
11:38And ask her if those go with the dish towels that Helen sent last year.
11:41Okay, she said she couldn't get the one to...
11:43Oh, for crying out loud, Fran, this is a toll call.
11:46Fine, mister, I'll be setting the table.
11:48What's that?
11:50Okay, Sandy, she wants to talk to you.
11:52Oh, I can't come to the phone right now, Dad.
11:55She can't come to the phone right now.
11:58She had a date with that drummer last night, she says.
12:01Dry spell over, huh?
12:03Dry spells over, huh?
12:05In a big way.
12:08All right, a drummer, a cute one.
12:11Was he cute?
12:13Cuter than Dave Grohl, with great hands, she says.
12:17Oh, yeah?
12:18Long fingers?
12:19Long fingers, Patty?
12:21Holy smokes, the longest she's ever seen with size 13 feet.
12:30Wow.
12:31Yeah, you tell him that I know a great store where you can get hard-to-find shoes.
12:36I'm a ten-and-a-half extra Y.
12:38Dad!
12:39Like, imagine how hard a time I have stuffing that into one...
12:42What's that?
12:46Yeah, she says he tried to go in the back way, but the gate was locked.
12:51Well, you tell your janitor to open that gate for you, honey. That's his job.
13:01Does he dive?
13:02Is he a deep-sea explorer?
13:04No kidding.
13:07Yeah, real troopers, he says.
13:10Puts on his mask and fins, and he skims the ocean floor for hours.
13:14Well, you tell him to be careful, honey. He could run out of air down there.
13:21Yeah!
13:22So, did she have the big O?
13:27Did you have a big omelet?
13:29Yeah, the best she's ever had.
13:33She can't wait to tell you all the details.
13:38Well, I can't wait to hear about it, but I'm gonna have to call her back, because I'm stuffing the turkey.
13:44Stuffing the turkey?
13:45Hey, I know what that means.
13:48No wonder you were here after midnight last night, little missy. I wasn't born yesterday.
13:53Dad, Dad, Dad, look at me. I'm stuffing the turkey.
13:56Oh, sorry, dear.
14:00Excuse me.
14:02Okay, I'll let her know.
14:04Okay, bye-bye.
14:07Well, she says to ring the bells of celebration, because your little sister finally got laid.
14:15Does cranberry sauce have cinnamon in it?
14:26Lowered expectations.
14:35Are you having trouble finding your ideal mate? How about any mate?
14:40Do you fear you'd be the last man or woman on Earth still not getting any?
14:45Are you using roofies to score?
14:47And yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams?
14:52Well, wake up, sleeping ugly. Because your only hope is lowered expectations.
14:57Our video library allows you to choose from thousands of chronically rejected singles just as hard-up and pathetic as you.
15:03So good luck. You'll need it.
15:06Stan, number four, four, four.
15:09Hey, Stan here. I'm looking for somebody who's into coffee.
15:12Somebody with a sharp mind and the body of a fresh-roasted Turkish blend, if you know what I mean.
15:16My dream date starts with a two-pint quintuple espresso, followed by a trip to the Museum of Natural History coffee shop,
15:23where we'll have a mocha java of Jurassic proportions.
15:26After that, on a moonlit beach holding hands, we'll run until we have to pee, and then we'll drink more coffee.
15:32Finally, it's back to my place where I'll show you my manly equipment.
15:35A Coffee Master 6000 industrial plunger pot that'll keep us percolating all night.
15:40Did I mention that I'm into coffee? Can't get enough of the bean.
15:45Four, Stan, in this count. Four, four, four.
15:49Lowered expectations.
15:56Coming up.
15:57Coming up.
15:58Coming up next on MADtv.
16:00Woo! Environment girl!
16:03The sample is unlike anything I've ever seen before. It's not human.
16:06The Lord loves the NRA. He told me so the other day.
16:13Woo! Cool! All right!
16:15Man!
16:17You are now watching MADtv!
16:23Please welcome MADtv's favorite traveling band, Corky and the Juice Bands!
16:27Yay!
16:35I'll buy you an electric car, so we can go and look at the stars sometimes.
16:40And I'll adopt a third world family, and we can send them letters at Christmas time.
16:44I'll give up meat.
16:46Give up meat!
16:47Are you crazy?
16:48Not, but I won't eat it in front of you.
16:50We can hire a van.
16:51A propane van.
16:52And let all of the animals out of the zoo.
16:55Environment girl!
16:57Let's live in a land of windmills!
17:00Environment girl!
17:03You give me a whirl!
17:05I'll buy you a needle and thread and fly you high,
17:08So you can sew up the ozone layer!
17:10When we're old and I've gone bald!
17:12In the town in my new recycled hair!
17:15My new recycled hair!
17:17My new recycled hair!
17:18No CFCs!
17:20Environment girl!
17:23Let's make the world young again!
17:26Environment girl!
17:28As long as I'm home before ten!
17:33We'd like to continue the environmental portion of our show!
17:42Skah!
17:43White and black!
17:44The friendly bears of China!
17:46White and black!
17:47They rarely reproduce!
17:49What shall be done about these Chinese bears?
17:51What shall be done about these friendly bears?
17:54Die! They must die!
17:55The pandas must die!
17:57Die! They must die!
17:58The pandas must die!
17:59Yeah!
18:00Yeah!
18:01Yeah!
18:02Why should we save them?
18:03What good do they do?
18:05Have you ever seen a panda do something good for you?
18:07They can't wear t-shirts!
18:09They can't bounce basketballs!
18:10They can't walk tightrobes!
18:11Over in Niagara Falls!
18:13Die! They must die!
18:14The pandas must die!
18:15Die! They must die!
18:16The pandas must die!
18:17The pandas must die!
18:18Moo!
18:19You're fucked bastards!
18:20All endangered species leave endangered species!
18:23If you knew how bad they smell, you would gladly take them out!
18:26If we kill them all, we can have more parking lots!
18:28We can have small couches made of little ocelots!
18:31Die! They must die!
18:32The pandas must die!
18:33Die! They must die!
18:34The pandas must die!
18:36Oh, God, have we had a hard day?
19:02Or what?
19:04Huh?
19:06Not for long.
19:18Sarah, what's happening?
19:21What's going on here?
19:22This is not funny.
19:24I love you.
19:48I love you.
19:48Mulder, don't you think
20:14eight hours of porno is enough research?
20:16Mulder?
20:18Oh...
20:20Yeah, right.
20:22Research.
20:24According to adult video news, that makes 25 porn stars that have disappeared over the
20:28last eight months.
20:30Areola, Joy Gong, Ryman Hyman, Orgasma, and now Winona Juggs.
20:37The cream of the porn industry gone without a trace.
20:41Except for some indelible moments captured forever on film.
20:45But don't you think that's typical of the porn industry, Mulder?
20:48Doesn't their extreme isolation from mainstream society cause them to be vulnerable to murder,
20:52drug overdoses, or accidents related to genital enhancement?
20:57Everything isn't as black and white as it appears to be, Scully.
21:00The truth is out there.
21:02Along with a lot of middle-aged men who have nothing to get off on.
21:05Is that so sweet?
21:06Hey, I need wood, stalk, branch, horn.
21:15Am I speaking English?
21:16You can understand here?
21:18Now, back to your question.
21:23Winona Juggs was the finest actress I ever had the pleasure of working with.
21:27Singles, doubles, gang scenes.
21:29A pro.
21:30Always.
21:31That looks like sperm.
21:32I'm going to get some samples.
21:34You mind if I ask them a few questions?
21:37No.
21:38Go right ahead.
21:39The reason's great.
21:40Thanks.
21:41Okay, Cucop man.
21:42Get where they can see you.
21:43And action!
21:45That's it.
21:47Get down low.
21:48That's it.
21:49You gotta use your back.
21:50You were best friends with Winona Juggs.
21:52Is that true?
21:53Yes!
21:55Yes!
21:56We got into the business together at the same time.
22:04Did you notice anything unusual over the last couple of days?
22:07Yes!
22:08Yes!
22:10I mean, no.
22:11No.
22:17Walter?
22:20Right away now.
22:21Like you're making a sandwich.
22:23The sample is unlike anything I've ever seen before.
22:25It's not human.
22:28What's going on?
22:37Now that's the greatest money shot I ever seen.
22:50Agents Mulder and Scully.
22:55Cue card man.
23:01Why have you brought us here?
23:03Scully, calm down.
23:05These aliens come from a world that has lost all sexual desire.
23:08They're using our porn stars to stimulate the testosterone in the male of their species and procreate their race.
23:13Mulder, we have to do something, like warn the government.
23:17That will not be necessary.
23:20We have been working with your government for years.
23:23Since Steffi does Dallas, I believe.
23:26An arrangement was made.
23:28Our greatest technological advances.
23:31Time travel.
23:32Virtual reality.
23:34Cold nuclear fusion.
23:36In exchange for your adult film celebrities.
23:39Why have you been dealing with our government?
23:43You obviously have the capability of stealing our porn stars anytime you like.
23:47Well, we, uh...
23:49That is, uh...
23:51Oh, the Earthling is right!
23:53Bummer!
23:54Quick, think of something!
23:56This has all been a bad dream!
23:59A bad dream!
24:00Oh, alien!
24:02It's scary!
24:03Hit the button!
24:04Oh, phone!
24:05Oh!
24:06Oh!
24:07Oh!
24:08It's really scary!
24:21The samples are gone, Mulder.
24:23We're left with nothing.
24:26Except for these...
24:28Her own necklaces...
24:32What happened up there?
24:34What happened up there?
24:35Uh...
24:37Uh...
24:38Sometimes we know our people.
24:39Sometimes we don't.
24:40Sometimes we don't.
24:41Hopefully we won't notice.
24:42When comes Saturday night.
24:43Watch it.
24:44You are now watching Mad TV.
24:45May!
24:46Take back America to 1955.
24:47Take back America to when God was still alive.
24:50Truer words were never spoke.
24:51Or sung.
24:52Hi, I'm Darlene McBride.
24:53You know, I love this country.
24:54The way it used to be.
24:55This is so much fun.
24:56This is so much fun.
24:57Come out.
24:58Watch it.
24:59You are now watching Mad TV.
25:01May!
25:03Take back America to 1955.
25:05Take back America to when God was still alive.
25:09Truer words were never spoke.
25:11Or sung.
25:12Hi, I'm Darlene McBride.
25:13You know, I love this country.
25:14The way it used to be.
25:15Simple minded with simple values for simple people.
25:17But then the big government, the Supreme Court, and those bleeding heart liberals just couldn't
25:34leave well enough alone.
25:35And now look at it.
25:36A big ugly melting pot just boiling over on what used to be a nice white stove.
25:43That's why I decided to launch my Take Back America tour across this great country.
25:50I'll be coming to a city near you singing inspirational songs filled with traditional values.
25:57The Lord loves the NRA.
25:59He told me so the other day.
26:01He spelled it out in bullets in the sky.
26:04He's sitting up in heaven with his AK-47.
26:09He's a rough and ready macho kind of guy.
26:12Yee-haw!
26:13Excuse me, Mr. Negro, but I'd like to ask you a question.
26:18What's so bad about the back of the bus?
26:22You still got a seat like the rest of us.
26:26I don't understand all the fuss about you sitting in the back of the bus.
26:35Nothing would be finer than to drop a bomb on China in the morning.
26:41Morning.
26:42Nothing would be sweeter than to shoot a welfare cheater in the morning.
26:47Morning.
26:48Morning.
26:49Morning.
26:50You know, there's been a lot of talk about the effect of illegal immigration on the overburdened
26:54healthcare system.
26:55Well, here's my solution.
26:57Hey senorita, put down that fajita.
27:00Don't tell me you're eating for two.
27:04Before you break water, I've got an order that I'm about to give to you.
27:10Get your butt back to Mexico.
27:14Adios and that's that.
27:17Get your butt back to Mexico.
27:20And then have your bread.
27:24Mi casa, no es su casa, ya hear?
27:28Take back America.
27:29Be sure to catch Darlene in these cities on her upcoming tour.
27:33Take back America.
27:34Laramie.
27:35Dallas.
27:36Take back America.
27:37Camarillo.
27:38Topeka.
27:39Rapid City.
27:40Take back America.
27:41Des Moines.
27:42Tallulah.
27:43And Paducah.
27:44Take back America.
27:45Let's take it back, y'all.
27:47I look forward to taking back America with you.
27:51Remember folks, it is not too late to give this great country of ours a fresh coat of white paint
27:57and you heard that from me.
27:59Darlene McBride.
28:01Bye bye now.
28:10Alright.
28:11Final step.
28:12Press on.
28:14Woo!
28:15Cool.
28:16Alright.
28:17New answering machine.
28:18Answering machine?
28:19Apartment.
28:20Apartment?
28:21Answering machine.
28:22Stepping into the future.
28:24Hello?
28:25Mel's Electronics.
28:26Mel speaking.
28:27Hey, Mel.
28:28It's Jack.
28:29Who?
28:30Jack.
28:31Remember?
28:32You sold me an answering machine earlier this afternoon?
28:33Right, right.
28:34The jumpy guy.
28:35Right, yeah, hey.
28:36Yeah, what can I do for you, Jack?
28:37Um, nothing.
28:38Just calling to congratulate you on a really cool answering machine and some great instructions.
28:43Yeah, well, uh, we don't actually write the, uh, yeah, look, whatever, thanks.
28:44Oh, no, thank you.
28:45Yeah, okay, bye.
28:46Alright, talk to you later.
28:47Alright, let's see.
28:48Now, get it going.
28:49Um, to record a message, press record.
28:50Alright, that makes sense.
28:51Speak directly into the microphone.
28:52Microphone.
28:53Huh.
28:54No problem.
28:55Huh.
28:56Huh.
28:57Huh.
28:58Huh.
28:59Huh.
29:00Huh.
29:01Huh.
29:02Huh.
29:03Huh.
29:04Huh.
29:05Huh.
29:06Huh.
29:07Huh.
29:08Huh.
29:09Huh.
29:10Huh.
29:11Huh.
29:12Huh.
29:13Huh.
29:14Huh.
29:15Huh.
29:16Huh.
29:17Huh.
29:18Huh.
29:19Huh.
29:20Huh.
29:21Huh.
29:22Huh.
29:23Huh.
29:24Huh.
29:25Hey, everybody, leave a message, and I'll call you back, because I'm not here right now.
29:33I mean, I'm here right now, but I'm not here, like, later right now.
29:37You know, like, when you're hearing this, you know, but I'll be back, you know, later, later.
29:41You know, after you leave a message, and then I'll get it back to you.
29:47All right, pretty good, but I think it needs music.
29:50Yeah.
29:55Hi, this is Jack, and, um, hey.
30:04Hey, how you doing?
30:06This is Jack, and, um, I...
30:09Hey, this is Jack, and, um, I'm having a party.
30:20Hey, Jack, fantastic food.
30:23Hey, Jack, cool tunes.
30:27Oh, Jack, you're so cool.
30:30As you can tell, the party's pretty happening, so I'll have to call you back later.
30:33And, uh, you know, don't feel bad, because I didn't invite you.
30:35I mean, if I was at a real party, I'd totally invite you.
30:38I mean, unless there's the wrong number.
30:40In which case, I'd probably have to get to know you.
30:42Oh, wait a minute.
30:48Hey, this is Jack.
30:51Leave a message, and I'll call you back.
30:53Perfect.
30:55Now, the final test.
31:00Mel's Electronics.
31:01Hey, Mel, it's Jack.
31:02Yeah, yeah, the jumpy guy.
31:04Right.
31:05Hey, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
31:07Can you call and leave a message on my answering machine?
31:09You know, just make sure everything's, like, working.
31:10Yeah, yeah, sure, look, I guess I could do that.
31:12Oh, cool.
31:13Thanks.
31:14All right, call me.
31:25Mel's Electronics.
31:26Hey, Mel, it's Jack.
31:28You don't have my number, do you?
31:29No!
31:30Oh, yeah, I didn't think so.
31:32It's 555-0155.
31:33Yeah, 555-0155.
31:35Yeah, I got it.
31:36Yeah, I'll give you a call.
31:37All right, cool.
31:37Thanks.
31:42Hello?
31:47Why'd you answer it?
31:48Oh, well, I wasn't sure if it was you.
31:51Oh, come look, man, I gotta go more.
31:53All right, wait, wait, wait.
31:54Sorry, one more time.
31:54One more time.
31:55I promise I won't answer it.
31:56You're okay, but this is it.
31:57All right, cool.
31:58Thanks.
31:59Talk, cool.
31:59I'm coming.
32:00All right, bye.
32:05Hey, it's Jack.
32:09Leave a message, I'll call you back.
32:12Hello, Jack, it's Mel.
32:13Goodbye.
32:15Cool.
32:22Woo, what a hard day I had at work.
32:25I wonder if anybody called while I was gone.
32:28Oh, a message.
32:31Hey, Jack, it's Mel.
32:32Goodbye.
32:36Mel's Electronics.
32:37Hey, Mel, it's Jack.
32:38I got your message.
32:41Hello?
32:41Hey, Mel.
32:44Hey.
32:46Hello?
32:47You are now watching the TV.
32:51May!
33:00Hi.
33:01Welcome to Burger Nation.
33:02How may I help you today?
33:03Um, let me get two hamburgers with just pickles, two cheeseburgers with another cheeseburger,
33:09everything on them, four more hamburgers with everything, a cheeseburger with no pickles,
33:12and a cheeseburger with nothing but pickles.
33:14Two more hamburgers with everything but onions on one, everything but pickles, mustard, and
33:17tomatoes on the other.
33:17Three large fries, six medium fries, one large fry, a junior fry, and two junior fries.
33:21Three more cheeseburgers with extra cheese and bacon, two more junior fries, a hamburger
33:24with everything.
33:25Two more hamburgers with everything, and two more hamburgers with everything.
33:26Four large Cokes and a large Sprite, two large Cokes and a small Sprite, five large Cokes and one large Coke and a small Coke.
33:31Three small Cokes and a small Coke and a small Coke.
33:33Okay. Will that be everything?
33:35Yes.
33:36Gotcha. That's two hamburgers with just pickles, two cheeseburgers with another cheeseburger, everything on it.
33:40Four more hamburgers with everything, a cheeseburger with no pickles and a cheeseburger with nothing but pickles.
33:43Two more hamburgers with everything but onions on one and everything but pickles, mustard and tomatoes on the other.
33:47Three large fries, six medium fries, one large fry, a junior fry and two junior fries.
33:51Three more cheeseburgers with extra cheese and bacon.
33:53Two more junior fries, a hamburger with everything, two more hamburgers with everything and two more hamburgers with everything.
33:56Four large cokes and a large fry, two large cokes and a small fry, five large cokes and a small coke, three small cokes and a small coke and a small coke.
34:02Is that correct?
34:04Not quite.
34:05I wanted two hamburgers with just pickles, two cheeseburgers with another cheeseburger, everything on them, four more hamburgers with everything, a cheeseburger with no pickles and a cheeseburger with nothing but pickles.
34:13Two more hamburgers with everything but onions on one and everything but pickles, mustard and tomatoes on the other.
34:17Three large fries, six medium fries, one large fry, a junior fry and two junior fries.
34:21Three more cheeseburgers with extra cheese and bacon, two more junior fries and a hamburger with everything.
34:24Two more hamburgers with everything and two more hamburgers with everything.
34:26Four large Cokes and a large Sprite, two large Cokes and a small Sprite, five large Cokes and one large Coke and a small Coke.
34:32Three small Cokes and a small Coke and a small Coke.
34:34Oh, okay, that's one large Coke. Sorry, got it now.
34:38Um, is that for here or to go?
34:39Uh, I'll have it here.
34:40Okay, that'll be $207 even, sir.
34:43Ooh, you know what? I only have $196 on me. I'm like 11 bucks short.
34:48Okay, well, if we got rid of five large fries and four large Cokes, that would be $11.
34:54Or three cheeseburgers and one small Sprite would be $11.
34:56Okay, uh, what about two large Cokes, two cheeseburgers and two large Cokes?
34:59Uh, no, that's $13.11.
35:01What about two large Sprites, two cheeseburgers and two large Sprites?
35:03That would be the same.
35:04$13?
35:04$13.11.
35:06All right, take out the three cheeseburgers and a small Sprite.
35:08Oh, okay.
35:11Oh, wait. So now I'm getting two hamburgers with just pickles, four more hamburgers with everything,
35:16a cheeseburger with no pickles and a cheeseburger with nothing but pickles.
35:19Two more hamburgers with everything but onions on one and everything but pickles, mustard and tomatoes on the other.
35:23Three large fries, six medium fries, one large fry, a junior fry and two junior fries.
35:27Three more cheeseburgers with extra cheese and bacon.
35:29Two more junior fries and a hamburger with everything.
35:31Two more hamburgers with everything and two more hamburgers with everything.
35:33Four large Cokes and a large Sprite.
35:35Two large Cokes and five large Cokes and one large Coke and a small Coke.
35:38Three small Cokes and a small Coke and a small Coke.
35:39that's correct. Great, here you go. Thank you, Sarah. Listen up. Ordering two hamburgers with
35:46just pickles, four more hamburgers with everything, a cheeseburger with no pickles, and a cheeseburger
35:49with nothing but pickles. Two more hamburgers with everything but onions on one, and everything but
35:52pickles, mustard, tomatoes on the other. Three large fries, six medium fries, one large fry, a junior
35:56fry, and two junior fries. Three more cheeseburgers with extra cheese and bacon, two more junior fries,
36:00and a hamburger with everything. Two more hamburgers with everything, and two more hamburgers with
36:03everything. Four large cokes and a large fry, two large cokes and five large cokes, and one large
36:08Coke and a small Coke. Three small Cokes and a small Coke and a small Coke.
36:11Okay, that's two hamburgers with just pickles. Four more hamburgers with everything, a cheeseburger
36:15with no pickles and a cheeseburger with nothing but pickles. Two more hamburgers with everything
36:19but onions on one and everything but pickles. Mustard tomatoes on the other. Three large
36:22fries, six medium fries, one large fry. A junior fry and two junior fries. Three more
36:26cheeseburgers with extra cheese and bacon. Two more junior fries and a hamburger with
36:29everything. Two more hamburgers with everything and two more hamburgers with everything. Four
36:32large Cokes and a large Sprite. Two large Cokes and five large Cokes. And one large Coke
36:36A small Coke and three small Cokes and a small Coke and a small Coke.
36:39That's correct.
36:41Coming up.
36:42How many ketchup would you like with that?
36:44Just one's fine.
36:45Sure.
36:47Here you go.
36:52Have a good day, sir.
36:53Thanks, you too.
37:02Man, that hit the spot.
37:04My compliments to the chef.
37:06Compliments to the chef.
37:07Huh?
37:08Never mind.
37:09What else can I get for you today?
37:11What do you have in the way of desserts?
37:12Ooh, we've got apple pie and cherry pie, Boston cream pie and brownies.
37:15I'll have a brownie.
37:16Okay, that's one Boston cream pie.
37:17I said a brownie, you idiot.
37:20Can't you get a simple order right?
37:21Come on.
37:30Hi, I'm Carrie Strug, and I'd like to straighten something out.
37:34Carrie Strug, Will Sasso.
37:37Carrie Strug, Will Sasso.
37:41Carrie Strug, Will Sasso.
37:44Frank Dillon's been a cop all his life, and his partner of 12 years has just been killed.
38:02Fridays on Fox mean action and heart.
38:05It wasn't your fault, Frank.
38:10I've only been there just two seconds earlier.
38:12Well, there's no time to feel sorry for yourself.
38:15I need you on the streets now, Frank.
38:18Yeah, all right.
38:18Now, I want you to meet your new partner.
38:20Fox TV and Del Monte Productions presents Cream of Cop.
38:27I ain't working with him.
38:28He's been kicked out of every precinct in the city.
38:30He's a loose cannon.
38:31Man, I'd rather work alone.
38:32Now, listen, Frank.
38:34He may have an attitude, but next to you, he's the best damn cop I ever seen.
38:38Now, you two work it out, and that's an order.
38:41Okay, pal.
38:45I don't like you, and you don't like me, so this is how this is going to go down.
38:49You don't say nothing, and you stay out of my way.
38:51And I'm driving.
38:53Now, get the hell off my desk.
38:55It's a new kind of cop show with a new kind of cop.
38:58Starring Rinaldo Brown as Ray Brown, and a can of creamed corn as Lee Crockett.
39:10Cover me.
39:11Got it.
39:20Hey, cop!
39:20Hey, cop!
39:22No!
39:30Don't you die on me!
39:32Don't you die on me!
39:33Gin again?
39:46Looks like somebody here's earned themselves a gold shield.
39:50Frank, there's been a rash of prostitute killings in the Tenderloin District.
39:55You want to work this one alone?
39:56I don't know.
39:58My partner might have something to say about that.
40:02Ha, ha, ha, ha!
40:04Cream of cop coming to Fox!
40:07That is something here, or something?
40:16I don't know.
40:17Bing!
40:19Bing!
40:20You're watching that TV.
40:21Are you going to do something?
40:22Well, that's our show for tonight.
40:30Well, that's our show for tonight.
40:43I hope you enjoy.
40:44Those at home and for our audience members, thank you so much for enjoying the show.
40:47You going to tune in next time?
40:48Yeah!
40:49You're going to tune in next time, too.
40:51Good night, God bless!
41:21Mulder, don't you think eight hours of porno is enough research?
41:43Mulder?
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