- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 7
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching Mav TV.
00:04Mav!
00:12Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers.
00:14Boy, do I love barbecue.
00:16I love it so much, I open up my own barbecue pit.
00:19Kenny's Country Broasters.
00:21I make sure all the food at Kenny's Country Broasters is slow broasted, just like Mommy used to do.
00:25Eating here is like eating at my house.
00:27Except for the endless salad bar.
00:28Hey, what is everything here?
00:31Great, Kenny.
00:32Alright.
00:35Mmm, chicken, ribs, steak, whatever you like, done right with my special Kenny Rogers barbecue sauce.
00:41And mesquite grilled to perfection every time.
00:44Oh.
00:45Mmm.
00:47How is it, Kenny Rogers?
00:49Mmm, perfect.
00:51And if you're a first-time customer, you can get a baby-backed rib dinner with compliments.
00:58Country potatoes and a 10-gallon head of Kenny's famous barbecue sauce.
01:03All this with low prices and smiling service.
01:05So if you're like me, you like barbecue.
01:08And if you like barbecue, you'll love Kenny's Country Broasters.
01:10You never lick your fingers when you're sitting at the table.
01:17There'll be time enough for licking when eating's done.
01:24What?
01:25Kenny's Country Broasters.
01:29Chart-topping, authentic barbecue.
01:31Served up right.
01:31Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:45Hey, hey, you're so man, crazy.
01:52Tonight on MAD TV, I love Lucy, Eddie Murphy, and Sex Toy Story.
02:13Good morning, watching MAD TV.
02:16Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to MADtv. I want to thank everyone for coming out.
02:38Thank everyone at home for tuning in. And we got a great show. Oh, this is big. Later on tonight,
02:42we are going to be announcing some of the winners of the MADtv Sketch Sweepstakes. We're
02:46going to find out who out there is going to get flown in here to star on a MADtv Sketch. Now,
02:51if you're one of the winners, I just want you to understand I have three simple rules. These
02:55are very easy, very easy to understand. Number one, don't talk to me. Number two, stay away from
03:03my mug. And number three, when you're in the sketch, don't think you have to act all goofy
03:08and wacky to get laughs and be funny. That's really not what this is about. TV is about
03:12subtlety. It's right in here. All right. So stay tuned because we've got a great show.
03:17You're watching MADtv. Are you going to do something with that?
03:45Are you going to do something with it?
04:03Oh, Ricky, please!
04:05Now, Lucy, I'm late for rehearsal, and I already told you, no chopping for a new dress.
04:09You already spent your allowance.
04:11I know, I heard. No chopping.
04:13And I don't want you and Alfred cooking up some crazy scheme.
04:17Oh, don't worry, Ricky. We're not cooking up a scheme.
04:20Where's my bag of costumes for the big shorty club?
04:23Right over there, dear.
04:24Okay.
04:30Come on, Little. Put on your gangster colors. G-Force is on his way over.
04:33Oh, no, Lucy. Not another drug-running scheme.
04:36Last time, Fred said he'd kill me.
04:38But this one's foolproof.
04:39Oh, that's what you said about whacking the Westies for the Banano family.
04:42Come on, pal. You help me out. We'll make enough money, you can get a dress, too.
04:45Well, sure could use a new dress.
04:48All right, Lucy. I'll traffic your drugs.
04:51Ha-ha!
04:53Oh, I gotta put this on.
04:54Hurry up, Ethel.
04:55All right, I'm right behind you, Lucy.
04:56Coming!
04:57What up, bro?
05:00Uh, G-Force, this is my main homie. B-flat.
05:04Well, hello, Mr. Force.
05:06Uh, chill, sir.
05:07Yeah, whatever.
05:08Yo, where's my stash?
05:10Right over here. It's all cut and ready to go, Mr. Force.
05:12You work fast, Red Blood. This is a new shipment. Have this ready for the streets in ten minutes.
05:21Oh, Lucy. There's at least a kilo of smack in here. We'll never cut all this in ten minutes.
05:27Just think of that new dress, Ethel!
05:36Hey, Lucy, I think you did a pretty good job measuring out the heroin into grand balls, huh?
05:40You're a natural, pal.
05:41How are you doing down there?
05:42Better than the people who try to shoot this junk.
05:47This is gonna be the easiest $2,000 we ever made, Ethel.
05:50I'll say.
05:51Ah, ha, ha.
05:54Oh! Ah, ha, ha, ha.
06:00Ethel, hurry up down there.
06:01I'm dancing as fast as I can.
06:03Yep, got there and dig that one.
06:04Okay.
06:05You're missing them, Ethel.
06:06Lucy.
06:07Come on, Lucy.
06:08Ethel, you're missing too many of them.
06:10Lucy!
06:11Pick it up.
06:12Alright.
06:13Okay, you're gonna put an eye out, Lucy.
06:14And then it'll be fine.
06:15Yes.
06:16I got it, I got it.
06:17Come on, Lucy.
06:18Alright.
06:19Get him, get him, get him.
06:20I got him! I got him! I got him!
06:22This is my steak!
06:24Powder! Powder! Powder! Powder!
06:26All right! All right! Come on!
06:28Here we go!
06:30Give me more powder, Lucy!
06:32Oh, good! Okay, come on! You're doing good!
06:34Okay! Oh! Oh! Missed you!
06:36You missed her!
06:38Oh, Lucy!
06:48Oh, Lucy! Lucy, spit him out!
06:50Lucy, spit him out right now!
06:52Spit him out right now, Lucy!
06:54Ah!
06:56Ah!
06:58Ah!
07:00Ah!
07:02Ah!
07:04Ah!
07:06See, Ethel, I told you, be easy.
07:08Oh, Lucy!
07:10All right, Red!
07:12Where's my stash? Start talking or the old man gets it!
07:14Red!
07:16But, G-Force, I gave you your stash!
07:18What the hell is this?
07:20What?
07:22Ah!
07:24Hi, Mom!
07:25This was great today!
07:26I'll let kids sing your horse is the best!
07:28What, you been skimming off the top?
07:30Ah! Don't say something or he's gonna shoot me!
07:32Oh, shut up, Fred!
07:33None of this would've happened if you weren't so cheap!
07:35Oh!
07:37Ah, darn!
07:38Now I'll have to get a black dress!
07:40Lucy!
07:41You got some splenny to do!
07:43Ah!
07:44Lucy!
07:45I thought you said your name was Red Blood!
07:47Ah!
07:48I did his drawers in my bag!
07:50And why is Fred all tired and shoot it on the floor?
07:53You got a mustache!
07:54You bring this into my home?
07:56My house is polluted!
07:58Say hello to my little friend!
08:01Ah!
08:02Ah!
08:03Well, now you've done it, Lucy!
08:06Both our husbands are dead!
08:07Ah!
08:08Ah!
08:09Oh!
08:10You're not dead, Ricky!
08:13That's right, Lucy!
08:14Fred and I started to teach you girls a lesson!
08:17Oh!
08:18But G-force!
08:19That's my drama from the clock!
08:20Ah!
08:21That was fun, Ricky!
08:24Ah!
08:25Have you learned anything, Lucy?
08:26Yes!
08:27Don't sell drugs for dresses!
08:29Yeah, yeah, yeah!
08:30I learned my lesson, too!
08:31You can get up now, fatso!
08:33Come on, Fred!
08:35Fred!
08:36Oh, no, Ricky!
08:38I used the wrong gun!
08:39Ay!
08:40Ay-caramba!
08:41Ah!
08:42Ah!
08:43Ah!
08:44Ah!
08:45Ah!
08:46Ah!
08:47Ah!
09:00Ah ah!
09:02Lowered expectations!
09:03Are you having trouble finding your ideal mate?
09:06How about any, mate?
09:08Do you fear you'll be the last man or woman on Earth still not getting any?
09:13Are you using roofies to score?
09:15And yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams.
09:20Well, wake up sleeping ugly.
09:22Because your only hope is lowered expectations.
09:25Our video library allows you to choose from thousands of chronically rejected singles
09:29just as hard up and pathetic as you.
09:32So good luck. You'll need it.
09:33Eddie, number five, four, two.
09:37I'm a guy. You're just sexy, right?
09:39You got nice toes. I don't know why you're afraid.
09:42Of course. It's so cute.
09:44This pig went to the market.
09:48So, you know, I...
09:50How you doing? I'm in the market.
09:54Listen, I'm looking for a woman.
09:56You know what? I want a woman with really strong features, you know?
10:01I mean, like, strong, like, you know, big, big-ass feet.
10:05I want some big feet.
10:06I want kind of the corns and...
10:08You know what I'm talking about.
10:10You're big, aren't you, nasty-ass?
10:12No, I want some big feet, but at the same time,
10:15I want a woman who knows how to smell like a lady.
10:18You know, you...
10:19It's in the air. You smell it, you know?
10:21I want a woman with big hands.
10:24Hands who can crush nuts.
10:25Big, chunky walnuts, like, big, thick, hard nuts.
10:28Or any press, pal, five, four, two.
10:32This is what we do in between funny skits.
10:42Fat and sugar.
10:43What comedy is made of.
10:45Funny.
10:45Man!
10:46You are now watching Mav TV.
10:52Man!
10:55Harvey, let's get the show on the road.
10:57Oh, come on, where's my leading man?
10:58Excuse me, white diamonds or pearls?
11:00Excuse me.
11:01Uh, bad news, Fiona.
11:02Now, Dick had a car accident.
11:04The only porn star I could get on such a short notice
11:06was, uh, Rod Schaft.
11:09Rod Schaft?
11:10God, isn't he dead?
11:12Oh, baby, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:13That's just a rumor.
11:14And since the money's people say we got to have a name,
11:17well, we stuck with it.
11:18But, uh, don't worry, I talked to his agent.
11:19Now, she say he in the best shape he ever been in.
11:21He sees it.
11:22Hold your horses, everybody.
11:24There's a new kid in the candy store.
11:26Uh, excuse me.
11:28Uh, old-timer, you seem to be lost.
11:30Well, uh, isn't this the set of my best friend's Woody?
11:34Ooh!
11:35Don't tell me you ride Sam.
11:37That's what my social security guard says.
11:39Oh, my God.
11:41Oh, now I know what you're thinking, toots.
11:43He ain't gonna make the money shot.
11:45You know, in my day, during the Depression,
11:46it was called the nickel shot.
11:47And beneath this frail exterior,
11:49licks a saber-toothed tiger.
11:51Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
11:53Harvey, Harvey, no way. No way.
11:55Oh, Fiona, baby, please.
11:56I'll double your salary.
11:57Triple.
11:59Fine, fine.
12:00Uh, places, people,
12:01we just have to get this last scene in a...
12:03Ra...
12:03Uh, Rod, you do know what you have to do.
12:07Oh, yes.
12:08Apparently, I come to this house of ill repute
12:10to dilly-dally with this dime-store dolly,
12:11and it all gets hotter than a raccoon coat
12:13in the middle of July.
12:14Harvey, what the hell is he talking about?
12:16Uh, hold on, baby.
12:18Oh, Rod, you know you got lines.
12:20This is a talking?
12:22Now they tell me?
12:24And...
12:24Action!
12:26Oh, look, honey.
12:30Before we start squeezing those oranges,
12:32I gotta find a place for my ditty bag.
12:35This is where I keep my dentures.
12:38Some ladies like the teeth,
12:39and some just like the tongue.
12:45Harvey? Harvey?
12:47Cut! Cut! Cut!
12:48Look, look, Rod, baby,
12:50just take off your pants and get in the bed.
12:52And remember,
12:53keep it sexy.
12:56He said that, sexy.
12:58And action!
13:00Oh, oh.
13:02Here we go, over the arse.
13:03Oh.
13:04There goes one chew.
13:05Oh.
13:05Next.
13:06Oh.
13:07Knees, calves, ankles.
13:09Oh.
13:09Oh.
13:10Sexy, huh?
13:11Okay, hey, nice pair of stonkers there.
13:15Cut! Cut!
13:16Yoda!
13:17Hey, there.
13:19I'm supposed to yell cut.
13:20Oh, don't blame her.
13:21It happens all the time.
13:22I get the dames stewing in their own juices
13:24until they don't know what's going on.
13:26And they start churning their own butter
13:28till a cow's jumped over the moon.
13:29And action!
13:31Oh.
13:32Oh.
13:34Oh.
13:35Oh.
13:37Oh.
13:38Oh.
13:39Just get your bony ass in the bed.
13:42Oh.
13:43Oh.
13:44All right, keep your girdle on.
13:46Keep your girdle on.
13:47Oopsy-daisy!
13:48Oh.
13:49I'm up, I'm up.
13:50And I'm locked.
13:52It's all right, though.
13:53I have them install a button.
13:57I still got it.
13:59Oh, well, keep your floppy thing up
14:00and let's get going.
14:01You know,
14:02you look a lot like my third wife,
14:04only darker.
14:07Oh.
14:09Oh.
14:09That got you going, didn't it?
14:10Oh.
14:11Can't blame you.
14:12Oh.
14:13Say, are you and you're all together?
14:14Oh.
14:16Oh.
14:16Wow, what's with the shaving
14:18all the way down there?
14:21That's something new.
14:23Shut up and get on top of me.
14:26All right, in a minute.
14:27Oh.
14:28Oh.
14:29Here we go.
14:31Here we go.
14:32Oh.
14:33Oh.
14:34Oh.
14:36Oh.
14:37Oh.
14:38Oh.
14:39Oh.
14:41Oh.
14:42Oh.
14:44Oh.
14:45Oh.
14:45I quit.
14:46Hey, here, here.
14:47Fiona, baby, baby.
14:49Fiona, wait.
14:50You're my number one ho.
14:56Hey, what gives?
14:57I poke somebody's eye out?
15:10Oh.
15:11Uh-oh, guys.
15:12I think we're lost.
15:13Did we get off on the wrong stop?
15:15I don't think so.
15:17It says 157th Street.
15:19Guys, it's supposed to be 57th Street.
15:21Uh-oh.
15:22Uh-oh.
15:22Here come some friendly neighborhood people.
15:25I'm sure they'll help us out.
15:27Hello, fellow humans.
15:29Yo, what you looking at?
15:30We ain't supposed to be here.
15:32She's restricted.
15:33Oh, but we have no restrictions.
15:35You see, we're the eracists.
15:38You're S-A-E.
15:39Right.
15:40Because the racists got erased.
15:42Get it?
15:43This is wrong.
15:44I'll erase you off the planet.
15:45We like to tour community centers and high schools to teach kids that it isn't cool to hate someone just because they're different.
15:50Yes, it is.
15:51Yo, y'all ain't gonna make it to you next gig.
15:54Because she's y'all coming to jail.
15:55Boom.
15:56Eracists, let's do it.
15:58Yeah, let's do it.
15:59Red, white, brown, yellow, purple, purple, not purple.
16:06It doesn't matter what color your skin is.
16:13If your last name is Epstein or Jones.
16:19If your mom earns low pay.
16:23Or even if your dad is gay.
16:25Because underneath we're all blood and bones.
16:32I'm white.
16:33I'm pretty.
16:33I'm blonde with blue eyes.
16:35I'm just the right shape.
16:36I'm just the right size.
16:38But that doesn't mean that I'm better than you.
16:41Because guess what?
16:42What?
16:42My mother's a Jew.
16:47Blood and bones.
16:49Blood and bones.
16:50I'm Steven.
16:52I'm black.
16:53But that doesn't mean that I smoke crack.
16:56And I'm not looking for a head to whack.
16:59Because that would keep me from a funk attack.
17:03Yeah.
17:04You go.
17:04You go.
17:05Give me ten.
17:06Woo.
17:07Hey, I'm Ant.
17:10I drive a van.
17:11And anything you can do, I can.
17:14But one fact about me that's inescapable.
17:18I'm not handicapped.
17:19I'm handicapable.
17:20Hey, Ant, aren't you also Latina?
17:23Yes, I am.
17:25Not that it matters.
17:26My name is Hugh.
17:28And that's that.
17:30But don't make fun of me.
17:31Because I've got red hair.
17:33My voice is sweet.
17:34And my style is funky.
17:36So it's okay if I'm a little auburn hair.
17:39I like to sing alone.
17:40A dub dub dubby.
17:42But don't call me names like Red.
17:44Because my name is Hugh.
17:45It doesn't matter what color your skin is.
17:53If your family lives on welfare and loans.
17:59Join you racist today.
18:03And everything will be okay.
18:05Because underneath we're all blood and bones.
18:10Because underneath we're all blood and bones.
18:20Hey, good job, guys.
18:23Yo, yo, yo.
18:24Yo, yo, yo.
18:25Yeah.
18:26So you're telling me that underneath you're all blood and bones.
18:29That's right.
18:30She got it, guys.
18:31Well, I'll do a good no-cardia impersonation.
18:34Oh, my gosh.
18:35That's always useful.
18:36Yo, yo.
18:36And I can make like crazy finger puppets.
18:39You see, that's terrific.
18:41Oh, good.
18:41And you know what?
18:42What did you think?
18:42Oh, here, guys.
18:43Here, guys.
18:44Here, guys.
18:46Hey, guys.
18:48Guys.
18:50Hello, fellow human.
18:52That's mine.
18:57Hello.
18:58Hello.
18:58Next on MADtv.
18:59You need to get Sidney to say this word.
19:02The word is birthday.
19:05You're nothing but a horny woman's plaything.
19:09Whoa.
19:11Man, I know it's going to seem hard to believe, but in the mornings, I can be a little bit bitchy.
19:15MAD!
19:17You are now watching MADtv.
19:21MAD!
19:25All right.
19:25We've got 11 not-guilties.
19:27One more, and it's unanimous.
19:28Who didn't vote?
19:30You know, right?
19:32Uh-uh.
19:33Dead man walking.
19:40You know, Kathy, all the rest of us happen to think the evidence points to him being not guilty.
19:45What are you basing this decision on?
19:46Did you catch his name?
19:48Guido Ciccarelli?
19:50Mm-hmm.
19:50You can't base your decision merely on the fact that the man's in our Italian.
19:57Did his people get to you, Mr. Magoo?
20:00Oh, wait.
20:00He's probably wearing a wire.
20:02If you are, cross your eyes.
20:05Oh.
20:07My bad.
20:08How could you possibly believe that the man is guilty?
20:11He's accused of strangling the guy.
20:12He's only got one arm.
20:13So sorry there, Columbo.
20:15Dombrowski.
20:16My name is Edward Dombrowski.
20:18Okay.
20:18Then let me speak very slowly.
20:20Watching an hour of court TV does not make you an expert.
20:26He clearly didn't do it.
20:28Can we just get on with this?
20:29What's the rush there, buddy?
20:30Is your family stuck on an escalator?
20:33Get it?
20:34Because you can walk off and it's a joke.
20:37Tap-tap.
20:37Is this thing on?
20:39Just kidding.
20:39You know what?
20:41I need a break from this.
20:42Whoa!
20:43Everyone to the other side of the room, quick, before we tip over!
20:47Lady, I hope for your sake I never see you on the outside.
20:51And I hope for my sake that I never see you in spandex.
20:55Please, can we just get on with this?
20:57Hey there, what's the rush, Katie Lang?
20:59Got a sale on vests somewhere?
21:01You know, this is exactly what happened at lunch.
21:04Everyone else wanted to order Chinese food, except you.
21:06Okay, excuse me, but I don't want to eat cat for lunch.
21:09I mean, who would want to eat kitty?
21:12Oh, boy, is my face red.
21:15Are you accusing me of being a lesbian?
21:17Well, if the clog fits.
21:19I am not gay.
21:21Of course not, but your husband Mindy is.
21:26You little bitch.
21:28Okay, all right.
21:29I'm sorry, everyone.
21:30Excuse me.
21:31Slip of the tongue.
21:32I appreciate the offer, but no thanks, Ellen.
21:37Come on.
21:38Get up.
21:39You're just wasting everybody's time.
21:41Okay, sir, I can't talk to you.
21:42I mean, the evidence is incredibly clear.
21:43La, la, la.
21:43The guy has three witnesses without first alibi.
21:46God, that's annoying.
21:50Does anybody else want to change their vote?
21:52Not unless we're going to hear evidence that's going to indict this young man.
21:54Well, Butchie, he's a man.
21:56Isn't that enough for you?
21:59Okay, let me tell you how I see the case here.
22:01We got one.
22:02La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
22:05Holy cow, that is annoying.
22:08So, I guess them are deadlocked.
22:10Or in your case, dreadlocked.
22:12Don't forget to tip your waitress.
22:15All right, I'm going to go call the bailiff.
22:17It looks like we're going to be sequestered for the night.
22:19We're going to have to spend the night with this woman?
22:22Oh, this is going to be fun.
22:23Okay, small warning.
22:25I do talk in my sleep, and I know it's going to seem hard to believe,
22:28but in the mornings, I can be a little bit bitchy.
22:31Rebo.
22:33Okay.
22:37Guilty, guilty, guilty.
22:40Kathy?
22:42Uh, you know what?
22:44Uh-uh.
22:45My house is being fumigated.
22:47I need a place to stay.
22:49Oh.
22:49Hello, I'm Michael Eisner.
23:00You know, there's nothing I enjoy more than going through
23:03the enormous vaults of Malt Pisney's classic animated features.
23:07Tonight, we present one of my favorites.
23:09It's the story of a sex toy who did not know he was a sex toy.
23:13So sit back, eat some popcorn,
23:16and don't even think about taping this,
23:17because we will know, we will come, and we will hurt you.
23:21Enjoy.
23:33Well, I hope she's not getting into a vine.
23:35And I'm still wrapped.
23:36Where am I going to find another job?
23:38I'm not exactly a throw pillow.
23:40Uh-oh.
23:40Okay, okay.
23:42I know everybody's upset because Dominique is getting a new sex toy.
23:46Hey, woody man.
23:47She's not going to play with us no more.
23:49Sacre bleu.
23:50I don't want to go back to San Francisco.
23:52San Francisco?
23:53We're going to end up in a conjugal visit trailer in San Quentin.
23:58San Quentin?
23:59Where?
24:00When?
24:01Everyone calm down.
24:02There's nothing to worry about.
24:04But check the bed, man.
24:07Oh.
24:07Hi, I'm Buzz Light Touch.
24:18Who are you?
24:19I'm Woody, and you're in my spot.
24:21I'm Dominique's favorite sex toy.
24:24Oh, really?
24:25Move over, buddy.
24:26You're about to be replaced by the real thing.
24:29What?
24:29Can't you see?
24:30I'm the real deal.
24:34Oh.
24:38And that's just foreplay.
24:39I have five other settings.
24:43Oh, oh, oh, oh.
24:45Buzz, come here.
24:47If you like that, watch this.
24:48Oh, Buzz.
24:51Whoa, whoa.
24:53I'm going to, I'm going to...
24:54Hey.
24:55You shouldn't see this.
24:58Oh, la, la.
25:00I wish I was bad.
25:02I did.
25:03Very good.
25:04Holy moly.
25:05To infinity.
25:07And beyond.
25:09Just by the way.
25:11What do you say now, cowboy?
25:14Buzz, you're nothing but a horny woman's plaything.
25:17And you are a twisted little man.
25:20Hey, whoa.
25:22Hey, pal.
25:23Without us, you're nothing but a paperweight.
25:26You mean, I'm not real?
25:31Ah, come on, Buzz.
25:33Cheer up.
25:33You're as important as any of us sex toys.
25:36Remember, we're all here to make humans happy.
25:39Really?
25:40You bet.
25:41And with us, you'll keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going.
25:46Whoa.
25:47Yeah.
25:48Hey, I got it.
25:49Ready, Mark.
25:50Ready, ready, ready, ready.
25:51Oh, wait, you can be my midnight cowboy any time.
25:55You've got a toy in me.
25:57Huh?
25:57Whoa.
25:59You've got some joy in me.
26:02If you're feeling lonely, you can play with me.
26:06Yes, life is good.
26:08Life is good.
26:10You've got a toy in me.
26:11Bow to me, bow to me, you one true God.
26:26Hello again.
26:27We hope you enjoyed tonight's presentation of Sex Toy Story.
26:32Tune in next time for another classic from the vaults of Malt Pisney.
26:35And for the Miller family from Dubuque, Iowa, who ignored our warning about the taping,
26:40we want you to look outside your window right now.
26:43Goodbye.
26:45And to the rest of you, good night.
26:50You tell me this is the psychic nightmare.
26:52You see a bright future.
26:53Just be careful of Bill Lamar.
26:56Don't work with him.
26:58Get off Mad TV.
26:59Get off Mad TV.
27:00No.
27:00You are now watching Mad TV.
27:06Mad!
27:09Bob, we got the nail salon robber.
27:11Oh, that's great news.
27:12You know, this could clinch the DA election for you.
27:14Exactly.
27:15You know what?
27:15We've still got time for the 6 o'clock news.
27:17Why don't you call the reporters, get them here now.
27:19I'm going to go inside, get a positive ID from the witness, and I'll give you a call.
27:22Gotcha.
27:25Miss Swan.
27:26Yeah.
27:27Hello.
27:28Arthur Stroud, district attorney.
27:29Yeah, I saw M.T.
27:31Terrific.
27:31I can't tell you everything I saw.
27:33Exactly.
27:34Let's just take a look over here.
27:35Okay.
27:36And you can tell me who did it.
27:38Okay.
27:39He look like a man.
27:43Okay, yes, but which one?
27:45Yeah, okay, I'll tell you everything.
27:47Yeah.
27:48Man who came in by my store.
27:49Yeah.
27:50He look like a man.
27:53Okay.
27:53All four of them are men, you know.
27:56Ears and mouth and nose and eyes.
27:58Okay, yeah.
27:59Okay, eyes.
28:01Two eyes and look at me.
28:02Oh, you make a mean face.
28:05Like, oh.
28:07Number one, please step forward and make a mean face.
28:10Yeah.
28:12He's the one?
28:13He's the man that robbed you?
28:14Is that what you're saying?
28:14Yeah, man who robbed me.
28:16This close to my face, I see.
28:18I never forget.
28:19Wait till the reporters hear this.
28:21Number one, yes!
28:22No.
28:24No.
28:24No?
28:25No.
28:26Wait a minute.
28:28Are you saying now number one didn't do it?
28:30No, I tell you, he look like a man.
28:33Miss Swan, did any of these men rob you?
28:39Yeah, okay.
28:42One, two, three...
28:43Yeah, one, two, three, four...
28:45And...
28:46Five, six, seven, eight.
28:47Oh!
28:49Okay.
28:50You're good with your numbers, Miss Swan.
28:52Yeah.
28:52Very good.
28:53Okay.
28:54I'll tell you.
28:56Number two, step forward.
29:02Now, was he a black man?
29:05Or was he white like me?
29:07Yeah, okay.
29:08Black like you, black like me, okay?
29:12Yeah.
29:15Number two, step back.
29:17You don't scare me.
29:18Ooh!
29:19Ooh!
29:19Ooh!
29:19Ooh!
29:20Ooh!
29:20Ooh!
29:21Ooh!
29:21Ooh!
29:22Ooh!
29:22Ooh!
29:23Ooh!
29:23Ooh!
29:23Ooh!
29:24Ooh!
29:24Ooh!
29:24Ooh!
29:25Ooh!
29:26Ooh!
29:26Is there anything specific you remember?
29:29Okay.
29:30Specific.
29:31You've not said specific before.
29:34Can't tell you specific.
29:36Oh, mommy, mommy, mommy.
29:38He look like a man.
29:39Oh, mommy, mommy!
29:41Mommy!
29:41Okay.
29:43The man walked into your shop?
29:46Okay, yeah.
29:47Okay.
29:49The man walk in.
29:50He have a funny walk.
29:52He make me laugh.
29:53You can recognize his walk, then?
29:55Yeah, I'll tell you funny walk.
29:57You make me laugh and laugh.
29:59Number three, would you walk for me, please?
30:03You look funny walking me.
30:09Yes!
30:10I got the son of a bitch!
30:12Funny walk, come on.
30:13Number three, walk again.
30:17Yeah.
30:18Funny walk.
30:19Arthur, how's it going?
30:20There's Nancy.
30:21It's going great.
30:22She just recognized the perp.
30:23It's number three.
30:24She recognizes walk.
30:25I'll be out in a minute.
30:26Great.
30:28Funny walk.
30:31You look funny walk.
30:34You look funny walk.
30:36You look funny walk.
30:37Miss Swan, the press is outside.
30:38My whole political career is on the line.
30:41Okay.
30:41Look in the window.
30:42Okay.
30:43Which one of these men robbed you?
30:49Okay.
30:50You calm down.
30:51I'll tell you everything.
30:54Okay.
30:54I'll tell you.
30:55Now, he...
30:56He?
30:58He?
30:58He?
30:59Yes, he?
31:00Yes?
31:01He look like...
31:02Don't!
31:04Don't!
31:05I'm begging you with every bone in my body, don't even think about completing that sentence
31:10or uttering those words.
31:11Okay.
31:12Ever again.
31:13Yeah.
31:13You understand?
31:14Yeah, okay.
31:15But she look like a man of...
31:17Man, man, man, man, man!
31:19Burn in hell!
31:20I hope this building collapses!
31:22I hope the streets burst open with demons and Beelzebub comes up through my mouth and says,
31:28ha, ha, you...
31:28This is Diane, lawyer-trabajo, with News at Six.
31:31Now, we're here waiting for the district attorney to emerge with the name of the man who has
31:36been dubbed the nail salon robber.
31:40Good news for the DA because tomorrow is election day.
31:44Woo-hoo!
31:44Now, the word is...
31:45Yeah!
31:46He looking like a man!
31:47He looking like a man!
31:49He looking like a man!
31:50Diane, Diane, Diane!
31:51He looking like a man!
31:53Man, man, man, man, man, man!
31:55Yeah!
31:58This just in, that good news has turned to bad.
32:03Here comes the eyewitness.
32:05Miss Juan, Miss Juan, how do you feel about not being able to identify the man who robbed
32:11your store?
32:12Oh, no, I identify, okay?
32:14I'm not stupid.
32:16Right, right, right.
32:17Did you tell the district attorney that?
32:20No, I tried to, but, you know, he go all wacky before I get to number four.
32:24So, it was number four who robbed you, you're saying?
32:27Yeah, I tell you a thing, you know, number four, but I tried to tell him, but, you know,
32:31he talk about number one, number two, number three, blah, blah, blah, you know?
32:36Yeah, yeah, I do...
32:37I would not vote for this man, you know, he, he needs to take a chill pill.
32:41Well, and how?
32:42You heard it here first.
32:44This is Diane Loyatrabajo signing off for News at Six.
32:49Now, Diane, you need to make a manicure.
32:52Really?
32:52Your hand look like a claw.
32:54Like a claw, like a, like a bear claw?
33:04Your expectation.
33:08Rui, number six, one, one.
33:11Hello, my name is Rui Peranio, and I am wanting to meet the women and the girls, the...
33:18Please do starting over?
33:22No!
33:22Okay.
33:23I am to want to meet the woman who likes to watch the Friends on TV with me, because the
33:30Friends is the funny show on TV, and for making me to laugh.
33:34And also it's good if she's liking the rough sex.
33:39Please do starting over again, sir.
33:42But you said if to make a mistake on tape to start again, please.
33:45No!
33:46Okay.
33:47For Rui, press pound six, one, one.
33:50You are now watching Mad TV.
34:02I am going to meet the women and the girls, and I am going to meet the women and the girls.
34:32You are ready with the men and girls.
34:34Where are you going?
34:35How are you going?
34:36I believe we are ready, LL.
34:38But considering how poorly we did when I gave the cruise, Leticia has suggested that I receive.
34:45All right, Leticia, check it.
34:46You need to get Sydney to say this word.
34:49The word is...
34:51Birthday.
34:53Okay, you celebrate this with a cake and a party.
34:54That would be a birthday.
34:56Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
34:57Uh, anniversary.
34:59Mm-mm, mm-mm.
34:59is the moment you came into the world.
35:01That is your...
35:03That is your birthday.
35:04You gotta say it in a bonnet.
35:06And that differs from standard English exactly how.
35:11Yo, Sid, man, the words she was trying to get you to say
35:13was birthday, B.
35:14Birthday.
35:14That is what I said.
35:16I said birthday.
35:18Yeah, whatever, man.
35:20Yo, Ice, yo, you and Heather,
35:21y'all ready to play?
35:22Talk to me.
35:22Cool, come on with it.
35:24All right, check it.
35:25Yo, Ice, your first word is...
35:28Word is.
35:29Math.
35:31Snap, it's like when you throw down on an arithmetic tip.
35:34Math.
35:38The next word is...
35:40Screet.
35:42Yo, when you're rolling in your 5.0,
35:44this is where you go to check out the honey.
35:46Screet.
35:49The last word is...
35:51Fitty.
35:53It's like half a C note.
35:54Fitty.
35:56Oh, word up.
35:58Yo, Heather, that was an impressive display.
36:01You really know your Ebonics, boo.
36:03Thanks.
36:03Well, my dad's a vice president at the WB.
36:06Oh, yo, that's the end of our preliminary round.
36:09It's time to see which of our two teams
36:11who play for big money in the big Ebonics pyramid.
36:13Right now, Ice and Heather still leading the way
36:15with 30,000 points.
36:17Sydney and Letitia...
36:19Yo, they still got zero.
36:21Check it.
36:21Yo, Ice, you and Heather got a...
36:22Hold up, L, all right?
36:24Hold up.
36:25Oh, no doubt.
36:27Letitia has decided to play the race card.
36:29That's good for an automatic 50,000 points.
36:33Sydney and Letitia,
36:34you're our new contestants in the big Ebonic pyramid.
36:37Right.
36:38Yo, what's up with that?
36:39You upset because we changed the rules at the last minute?
36:41Y'all should be used to it.
36:42Y'all do it all the time.
36:44Yo, this is whack.
36:44I'm up out of here.
36:45Then say hello to Hammer at the home
36:47of the washed-up perpetrators.
36:48Check it, check it, check it.
36:51What up?
36:52Yo, now, Sydney and Letitia, here's the deal.
36:54Y'all got about 45 seconds to guess
36:56the three phrases which make up Ebonic pyramid.
36:59Do your thing, baby.
37:00One look.
37:03Okay, when you drive real slow,
37:05like a crack deal,
37:07you...
37:07You disrupt the flow of traffic.
37:11I...
37:11We was looking for I'd be creeping like a baller.
37:14Creeping like a baller.
37:16Hmm.
37:18Okay, when you get real loud,
37:20when you pump it up, you...
37:21You...
37:22Disturb the peace.
37:24Are all of these misdemeanor crimes,
37:26is there a theme I'm unaware of?
37:29Yo, you were supposed to say,
37:30bring the noise!
37:32Pay attention to me and bring it on!
37:36All right, now,
37:37when you really got it going on in a big way,
37:40you are...
37:41You are a wonderful person.
37:43No, no, no, no, like...
37:45Like...
37:45Oh, TikTok, you don't stop!
37:47Okay, now,
37:49if they gave me all those prizes,
37:52plus Fritos,
37:53then I have...
37:55Wait, why would they give you Fritos?
37:57I'm not saying they're going to be!
37:58I'm not saying they're going to be!
37:59Okay, now,
38:00if I win all those prizes,
38:03plus Fritos,
38:04then I have...
38:07All that and a bag of chips!
38:09Yes!
38:10There it is!
38:11Get it!
38:11Put it up!
38:12Letitia gave you,
38:13you win the final prize of $20,000!
38:16And yo, Sid,
38:17we ain't forgot you, baby.
38:18This is what you get.
38:19Yo, word up,
38:20we're going to set you up
38:21with a year's supply of splits,
38:22malt liquor.
38:23Thunderbird of malt liquors, baby.
38:25All the time.
38:25Yo, that's all the time
38:26we got right now
38:27for Ebonic Pyramid.
38:28Till then,
38:28I'll see you in the AM.
38:29And remember,
38:30big love and shout out
38:31to all my boys
38:32on Farmers Boulevard.
38:32Keep it real,
38:33one love,
38:34no doubt,
38:34all the time, baby.
38:35All the time.
38:36Bird up.
38:37All else is no love.
38:39I hope you're not.
38:40What are you saying?
38:41Who sings more love?
38:42Everybody.
39:02Oh, my God.
39:32Are you enjoying this at home?
39:59I'm the tab of the world.
40:00Now, that is...
40:01Wow.
40:02Good for you.
40:03You are not watching Mad TV.
40:09Hey.
40:09Hey.
40:10Hey.
40:11Hey.
40:12Hey!
40:42It's looking like a show. It's looking like a show. It was a show. Thank you. Good night.
41:12All right!
41:38Buzz, you're nothing but a horny woman's plaything.
41:41Holy cow, that is annoying.
Recommended
42:56
|
Up next
42:08
41:45
41:47
42:08
41:47
41:46
41:45
41:45
41:45
41:47
42:56
41:46
42:42
41:46
41:45
41:45
42:56
41:47
41:49
41:50
42:36
42:38
42:56
42:36
Be the first to comment