- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 17
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01You are now watching M.A.T.V.
00:04M.A.T.
00:12Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers, and mm-mm, do I love ice cream.
00:15That's why I decided to open up my own ice cream parlor,
00:18Kenny's Ice Cream Parlor.
00:20My ice cream is made with only the finest ingredients
00:22and comes in 57 delicious flavors,
00:24just like Mama Rogers used to do.
00:26Except the only difference is now we use a machine
00:27so Mama's arm doesn't get tired.
00:29Bell-loom-doom, bell-loom-doom, bell-loom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom.
00:33How's your ice cream?
00:34It's real good, Kenny.
00:35All right. High-five.
00:36Hey, watch your nose.
00:48Nothing cools down on a hot summer day like ice cream.
00:50Banana splits, malters, root fair floats.
00:53It has about a little root good in my man.
00:54Sure, Kenny.
00:56All right.
00:59Yung love, isn't it sweet?
01:06And if you're watching your weight,
01:08boodle-doo, top ten is frozen yogurt.
01:10Good and good for you.
01:12Let me help you with that, darling.
01:15Oh, there you go.
01:21And if you're next door at Kenny's Country Roasters,
01:24bring your receipt and you can customize your sundae
01:26at our endless fixings bar.
01:27Hot fudge, caramel, wet walnuts,
01:29it makes every day a sundae.
01:34Looks like somebody's got a sweet taste.
01:39So if you love ice cream, and who doesn't,
01:42come on down to Kenny's Ice Cream Parlor.
01:44It's a cool treat for the whole family.
01:47Ice cream.
01:49In a cardboard waffle cornish.
01:52Kenny's Ice Cream.
01:54Kenny's Ice Cream Parlor takes every day a sundae.
02:05Come on.
02:10Come on.
02:11Come on.
02:12Come on.
02:13Come on.
02:15Come on.
02:15Man.
02:17You're so...
02:20Man.
02:21Crazy.
02:23Man.
02:26Man.
02:29Man.
02:29Tonight on MADtv, special guests Jerry Springer, Mark Hamill, Miss Swan, and Antonia.
02:43Who are now watching MADtv?
02:59You're a shy bunch, aren't you?
03:13Yeah, that's what I thought.
03:14Okay, hi, thanks for coming to the show and thanks for tuning in to MADtv.
03:18Please put your hands together for a very Jerry Springer welcome for Jerry Springer!
03:29Thank you, thank you very much.
03:39Welcome to the show, thank you.
03:44Thank you, thank you very much.
03:49Hey, welcome to the show.
03:51That's great, thank you.
03:52Welcome to the show.
03:53It is great to be able to be here on MADtv and have a little fun, but I've got to tell
03:57you, not all of it is fun and games.
04:00Nicole?
04:01Yeah, what?
04:02How long have you been going with your boyfriend?
04:05About two years, I guess, why?
04:10Two years you've been going with him?
04:12Yeah.
04:13Well, I tell you what, he has a surprise he wants to share with you, so let's bring him
04:16out.
04:17Here's your boyfriend!
04:18This isn't funny!
04:19Hank, why are you, what is this?
04:21Honey, it's going to be okay, baby.
04:23No!
04:24Why didn't you tell me?
04:25I thought I did.
04:26I thought I did.
04:27I think I would have remembered this.
04:28And that's my screen.
04:29You didn't even ask to borrow it, which is really irritating.
04:30Jerry, she's just jealous because I look better than it than Cheetah.
04:31All right, everybody, we have more fun and surprises coming up.
04:58We have more fun and surprises coming up.
05:00No more surprises for me, though. Promise, Jerry.
05:11No, Billy. I can't what I'm talking about.
05:13I'm on TV.
05:15May!
05:24And now, back to Give Me A Clue
05:27with your host, Tim Flinch.
05:30Hey, thank you, thank you,
05:32and welcome back to Give Me A Clue.
05:34And what a game it's been.
05:36Our returning champion, Sterling,
05:38a former district attorney, is in the lead,
05:40but Roger, a self-proclaimed jack-of-all-trades,
05:42is trailing by just a few points,
05:44and that could all change in the lightning round.
05:50You two know how the lightning round works, don't you?
05:53We give one of you clues,
05:54you describe that clue to your partner,
05:56guess correctly, and here's what you'll win.
06:00It's $50,000 in cash.
06:03Oh, let me tell you where I'm from.
06:06That's a lot of cash.
06:07What would you do with that kind of money, Sterling?
06:09Well, I'd probably buy that liver my father needs to survive.
06:14That's one lucky daddy.
06:16How about you, Roger?
06:17Um, I guess I'd probably buy Sterling's father that liver he needs to survive.
06:22Boy, Sterling, I hope your dad likes liver.
06:26Okay.
06:29We've said goodbye to your celebrity partners,
06:31Morley Safer and Carol Channing.
06:33Weren't they fantastic?
06:34As you know, we select two audience members at random to be your lightning round partners.
06:41Let's meet them, shall we?
06:43Sterling, your partner is a manicurist at the gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon.
06:48Meet Miss Swan.
06:49Roger, your partner is the former Miss July.
06:56She currently enjoys breakfast.
06:59Say hello to Antonia Timmons.
07:01Wow.
07:04Wow.
07:06Welcome to the show, ladies.
07:08Here, give me a little room here.
07:09Why don't you take your seats?
07:11Here, don't push.
07:12Oh.
07:14All right, you're ready to play the game.
07:16You understand our rules, don't you?
07:17Yeah.
07:18Yeah.
07:20No.
07:21No.
07:22Yeah, okay.
07:25Okay.
07:26How about you, Antonia?
07:28Yes.
07:32All right.
07:33Now, Roger has elected to give the clues Sterling has elected to receive.
07:36We're going to start with Sterling.
07:38Give me 20 seconds on the clock and go.
07:42Go.
07:44Oh, okay.
07:45This is funny.
07:46Look, tomato.
07:47Oh, I am so sorry.
07:52Maybe I didn't explain the rules to you.
07:55See, you can't actually say the word when you're given the clue.
08:00Okay.
08:01You'd not tell me that.
08:02Yeah.
08:03Well, I don't know.
08:05I think someone did.
08:07But you know what?
08:08We're going to give you another chance anyway.
08:09Give me 20 seconds on the clock and go.
08:12Go.
08:13Go.
08:14Go.
08:15Oh, this is easy one.
08:16You get this one.
08:17Okay, okay.
08:18Let's go.
08:19Oh, you're going to walk away with $50,000.
08:21Okay.
08:22Okay, okay, okay.
08:23Okay.
08:24You know, sometimes you go, you want to buy flowers, you know?
08:26Gardening.
08:27Floors.
08:28Floors.
08:29Floors.
08:30Floors.
08:31Okay.
08:32Floors.
08:33I'm flower ranger.
08:34Bouquet.
08:35Bouquet.
08:36Bouquet.
08:37Bouquet.
08:38Oh, you almost had that one.
08:39The word was sidewalk.
08:40Sidewalk?
08:41She was talking about gardening.
08:43You know, this one no good.
08:44She talk too much.
08:48She's not giving me good clues.
08:50Okay, no.
08:52You need to believe in yourself.
08:55You need to use the force, you know?
09:01Interesting strategy.
09:04Now, let's go back to Roger and Antonia.
09:0620 seconds on the clock and go.
09:09Okay, not ham, not sausage.
09:15It does come from a pig.
09:19You have it with eggs.
09:23Okay, not ham, not sausage.
09:25But it's a breakfast meat that, a breakfast meat that comes in strips.
09:30That you have with eggs.
09:32It rhymes with macon.
09:35Oh, so close.
09:36The word was bacon.
09:38Bacon.
09:41It's too late now.
09:43Oh.
09:44Oh, it was a nice try though.
09:47Very nice try.
09:48Let's go back to Sterling and Swan.
09:51Can we switch?
09:53Can we switch?
09:55No.
09:56No.
09:58Now, give me 20 seconds on the clock and go.
10:02Okay.
10:04Oh, I know this one.
10:05I know this one.
10:06Okay, well, give me a clue.
10:08You keep your shirt on, mister.
10:10Okay?
10:11We only got like 20 seconds here.
10:13Just come on.
10:14No.
10:15No, we have 12 seconds.
10:1711.
10:18No, no, come on.
10:19Give me anything.
10:20Anything, anything.
10:21Come on.
10:22Okay.
10:23Clue.
10:25Look like a man.
10:26Look like a man.
10:30Oh.
10:31Oh, I see where she was going with that one.
10:34The clue was Beethoven.
10:36No.
10:37You see?
10:38He good.
10:39This one, he knows.
10:41She didn't give me any clues.
10:43Shut up.
10:46We're going to go back to Roger and Antonia.
10:49Is she going to guess this time?
10:51You know, I don't know.
10:53Antonia, are you going to answer this time?
10:56Yes.
10:58Are you sure?
11:00Bacon.
11:03Good enough for me.
11:0420 seconds on the clock and go.
11:07No.
11:08All right.
11:09Okay.
11:10This is a house pet.
11:11They're furry.
11:13They're cute.
11:14Dogs like to chase them.
11:16Thiefy.
11:17What?
11:18Huh?
11:19Thiefy.
11:20What are you saying?
11:21It's a house pet.
11:22They're little.
11:23They're cute.
11:24With the big eye.
11:25They go meow.
11:26Meow.
11:27Meow.
11:28Thiefy.
11:29What is a thiefy?
11:31Thiefy is my cat.
11:35Why the hell did you just say cat?
11:36I did.
11:37No, you said thiefy.
11:38Thiefy.
11:39Thiefy.
11:42I am so sorry.
11:43We're all out of time.
11:45Neither of you won, but we've got some lovely parting gifts for each of you.
11:49Is it a liver?
11:50No, it's rice-a-roni, but you can put liver in it.
11:54Back to you, Kip.
11:56All right, that's all the time we have for today.
11:58I'd like to thank our contestants, Sterling and Roger.
12:01We'll see you tomorrow on Gimme a Clue.
12:06Bacon.
12:07Bacon.
12:20I gotta go back.
12:21Okay, thank you.
12:22I can't start the show if you sit on the floor like this.
12:26Please.
12:27Please.
12:29That's enough.
12:30Thank you very much.
12:31Okay.
12:32Okay.
12:33Thank you very much.
12:34You know, it's reactions such as this which make it all worthwhile.
12:38I guess you now know that our show is number one in daytime programming and because of people
12:47like you.
12:48So, why don't you give yourselves a nice hand?
12:50All right, back to the show.
13:01Our next guest's name is Tony.
13:03Now, let's make him feel at home.
13:04How about a nice hand for Tony?
13:11Okay.
13:12Tony, as I understand, you have a very tragic story.
13:15Your parents were murderers.
13:16No, no, no, no.
13:17They were murdered.
13:18Oh.
13:19Oh.
13:20Okay.
13:21So, your parents were murdered.
13:23And the guy that murdered your parents, he just got out of prison.
13:26Yes, after three years.
13:27Three years for double murder?
13:29That's right.
13:31If you were the judge, what would the punishment be?
13:37I would have given him the death penalty, Jerry.
13:38The death penalty.
13:39Now, whatever happens next, I'm not responsible for, okay?
13:40All right.
13:41So, it's fair to say that this man who murdered your parents, you hate him as much as anybody
13:56could ever hate anyone, right?
13:57Oh, yeah.
13:58Oh, yeah.
13:59Well, great.
14:00Let's bring him out, then.
14:01Hey.
14:02Here he is.
14:03The man who murdered your parents, Josh Sturkin.
14:14Hey, man.
14:15How you doing?
14:16Good.
14:17Nice to meet you.
14:18Fine.
14:19All right.
14:20That's...
14:21That's it?
14:22What?
14:23What's that?
14:24What are we...
14:25That's it?
14:26You're not attacking him or anything?
14:27He murdered your parents.
14:28Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?
14:29You know, Jerry, I've done my time, and now I'm out, so, you know.
14:36Okay.
14:37Okay.
14:38Okay.
14:39Okay.
14:40Okay.
14:41Relax, folks.
14:42Relax.
14:43Relax.
14:44It's just a slight setback, Doc.
14:45Let's get to our next story.
14:47Next story's pretty explosive.
14:48We have two sisters, okay?
14:50Now, Betty stole Deanne's husband.
14:52So, one night, Deanne breaks into Betty's house and steals her baby girl.
14:59Here they are, Betty and Deanne.
15:11What...
15:12What's with a hug?
15:13I'm more happy about the switch.
15:14Schedule-wise, it's a lot easier for me to have a baby than a husband.
15:18All right.
15:19All right.
15:20All right.
15:21All right.
15:22All right.
15:23All right.
15:24This isn't working.
15:25Let's get right to it.
15:26Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Furman and an angry black gang member.
15:33and an angry black gang member.
15:35Oh!
15:45Oh!
15:47All right, that's it.
15:49Somebody that's a shotgun punches the old lady, gets it.
15:53Stand back. You work for me.
15:55Jerry, come on. Jerry, come on. You don't got to do it like this, man.
15:57You can work something out, Jerry.
15:59I mean it.
16:03Jerry, come on.
16:05Jerry, come on.
16:07Jerry, come on.
16:09Jerry, come on.
16:11Jerry, come on.
16:13And now, my final thought.
16:17What is it about humanity these days that turns us into such creatures of violence?
16:21You know, when somebody hurts us or upsets us, why come out?
16:27No.
16:29Come on, Rick.
16:31Go!
16:33Go!
16:35Go!
16:37Go!
16:45You are...
16:47You are...
16:49You are now watching Mad TV.
16:53You are now watching the TV.
16:57Mail!
16:58E!
17:01Hello, hello, hello, and peace, love, children.
17:04I'm Julie Brown, coming to you more live than I deserve to be,
17:07direct from the set of Caroline in the City.
17:10Shh!
17:11Our triple E cameras are here to bring you an intimate behind-the-scenes look
17:14at the sizzling set of NBC's hit She Calm.
17:19We've come on a very, very special day,
17:21because after seasons of Will They or Won't They,
17:24TV's first couple of love, Caroline and Richard, finally consummate.
17:28Hello.
17:29Just look at that chemistry.
17:32First, there was Hepburn and Tracy, then Bogey and Bacall,
17:35and now Thompson and Getz.
17:38So this is where the script says I, well, kiss her.
17:42You know, I was just telling Mother of my world-famous sponge cake
17:45that I wish those silly writers would get us together already.
17:48I mean, realistically, how long could a virile guy like me
17:52keep his hands off a hot dish like Leah?
17:55Yeah.
17:56So I play Caroline in the City in this scene, too, right?
18:01Leah, like we discussed before, you're always Caroline in the City.
18:06Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down, slow down.
18:08So am I Caroline in the City right now?
18:12Look, my shirt matches your book.
18:18Leah is such a natural talent.
18:21She doesn't overthink it.
18:23And she is such a babe.
18:25She really brings out the animal in me.
18:28Grr.
18:29You are about to take the scene where you and Caroline finally kiss.
18:33Come on, you've got to tell me, any last-minute butterflies?
18:35No, not on your life, girlfriend.
18:37I've dreamt about nothing but doing the nasty with this hot lady.
18:41Oh, thank you, Ramon.
18:48He's such a dear.
18:53This isn't cookie mocha.
18:56Malcolm has been very nervous about the scene today.
19:00He, uh, I've spent time in his trailer to help him with the words that he's saying.
19:07And, uh, he got very good at the kiss, though.
19:10Hey, dude.
19:11Let's go check the ball around.
19:12Okay.
19:13Go for a long one.
19:14Go long.
19:19I'm watching the magic that is Leah Thompson in rehearsal.
19:24Maybe on your planet, but not on Earth?
19:27No.
19:27Yeah, when you say it like a question, it kills the joke.
19:32Maybe I should just wear a shorter skirt.
19:34Yeah, that's a great idea.
19:36Oh, I lost another five pounds.
19:37Now I don't weigh 106 anymore.
19:39I weigh, um...
19:42What?
19:44Anyway, it's gonna be a cute scene.
19:46Let's try it again, and remember, you're wearing a short skirt.
19:51Mm, okay, good, good, good.
19:53Maybe on your planet, but not on Earth?
19:57You can't buy comic timing like that.
20:04It's so hard being married when you have a co-star like Malcolm.
20:09I mean, I just look at him, and I'm like, wow, you know, like, rawr.
20:14Oh, I'm so bad.
20:16No, but he's...
20:17He's just really a man's man, you know?
20:20Leah, sweetie, can I borrow your rouge?
20:22Oh, of course.
20:22You know where it is, pumpkin.
20:24See?
20:25If you could bottle our chemistry, it would be like...
20:29You'd have chemistry, and then you'd put it in a bottle.
20:33You know?
20:35Ooh, l'amour.
20:36I see, senor.
20:39You could feel the excitement.
20:42This was it.
20:43The moment everyone had been waiting for.
20:46The kiss.
20:48And action!
20:50Admit it, Caroline.
20:51You want me to kiss you.
20:53Maybe on your planet, but not on Earth?
20:56You can't joke your way out of this one, Caroline.
20:59You're right, Richard.
21:00I can't hide it anymore.
21:02I need you.
21:04I can't hold back.
21:05Like it or not, here it comes.
21:07We shouldn't...
21:08I...
21:09And cut!
21:15Yay!
21:17Yay!
21:17Oh, that was hot.
21:20Let's just hope we can get a pack, Spencer.
21:22It's so bad, Ramona.
21:23Oh, see?
21:24You spend all night worry-throwing up, and it was all for nothing.
21:27I know it.
21:28I know you do it.
21:30But am I Leah right now or Caroline in the city?
21:34Leah.
21:35Oh.
21:37All right.
21:38Thanks a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot to Caroline in the city.
21:42And now stay tuned for more bedroom fireworks,
21:44as I pay a very, very special visit to Michael Jackson and Debbie Rose' love nest.
21:48Jacko and the mother of his love child are as hot as Malcolm and Leah,
21:52and I'm sure you'll find their sexual chemistry unbelievable.
21:56This is Julie Brown saying peace, love, and gossip.
22:01Did they have to kill a lot of boas to make that?
22:05Oh, God.
22:05It didn't hurt.
22:06Me.
22:09My dad was a flop, so was his father before him.
22:12I guess that'd be my grandfather.
22:15It's in my blood.
22:16Bad toys, bad toys.
22:19Let's put the gun down.
22:20What you gonna do when they fix all new bad toys?
22:24Clops.
22:25Filmed frame by frame with the animated men and women of law enforcement.
22:30We have reports of a flasher down here somewhere.
22:33Exposed himself to some old ladies who said he was still in the area.
22:36I don't see, uh, oh, there he is.
22:38Yep, that's him.
22:41Evening, sir.
22:41How are you?
22:43Sir?
22:44You live around here?
22:45Sir?
22:46Sir?
22:46Sir, stop!
22:47Uh, Mr. Paddington, is it?
22:50All right.
22:51Open her up.
22:52Holy...
22:53I hope you got a license to carry that thing.
22:57Why don't we take a little ride downtown, Flashy?
23:01Oh, no!
23:03Let's talk about the bare necessities.
23:05Watch your head.
23:06Deal with it, perverts.
23:13Colonial units, colonial units.
23:15Report of two suspects in Barbro at 25th of May.
23:19Kiln responding, over.
23:20All right, out of the way.
23:22Make a hole.
23:23Okay, knocked it off.
23:25It's the Rock'em Sock'em boys again.
23:27There.
23:28Now, who started this?
23:30You?
23:31Now, I'm warning you two.
23:33If you don't...
23:34Take him out.
23:35Punch him, mate.
23:37Kill him, let's open it up.
23:40All right, that's it.
23:41Let's go.
23:42Nobody knocks my block off.
23:45Those two haven't been the same since they banned homosexual marriages.
23:48Get a couple of courts at 30 waiting those guys, and it's all over.
23:52Calling all cars.
23:53We have a suspect on the rampage at Soupy's Kitchen on Love and Third.
23:55Back up, Enid.
23:56Kiln responding, over.
23:58I love Soupy's.
23:59I hope Soupy's all right.
24:02Put it down, man.
24:04Put it down.
24:04It's the Pillsbury Doughboy.
24:06Probably dusting, sweating, superhuman strength of works.
24:09He's gonna kill somebody.
24:12No more babies.
24:14This is it.
24:14Heaven lands on your heads today.
24:17Fire.
24:25There's no effect.
24:26I'm sick of the man giving me the finger.
24:28Here's your finger, biatch.
24:30Take a picture.
24:32Wow.
24:32This guy's gone.
24:34Cover me.
24:34I'm going in.
24:35Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
24:46Oh, more fun to make than it is to eat.
24:48Guy had plenty of dough, making good bread.
24:51Started loafing around, got mixed up with a pretty crusty element.
24:54Any way you slice it, the guy was baked.
24:57Popping fresh.
24:58Yeah, right.
25:02Coming up next.
25:02Coming up next.
25:03On Mad TV.
25:05Found an eight ball of genuine Colombian blood.
25:08Actually, it was just a gram.
25:12It's happening.
25:15How many more times can you hit the snooze button on your 15 minutes of fame there, okay?
25:20You are now watching Mad TV.
25:38Where's St. Peter?
25:39We've been waiting for hours.
25:41Well, I just hope the Lord has mercy on my poor wretched soul.
25:45He will.
25:45You know what?
25:50Part disease, because a saint has just marched in.
25:59Hello, good people.
26:01If you have just arrived, let me remind you that you are now dead.
26:06Kaput.
26:07Game over.
26:08Stick a fork in you, because you're done.
26:11St. Peter's on a little break.
26:13Glug, glug, if you know what I mean.
26:15Darn Catholics, huh?
26:16Okay.
26:18Your entrance into heaven will be decided on a case-by-case basis.
26:23But good luck.
26:24I haven't seen this many losers since CBS on Sunday nights.
26:30Forget fire and brimstone.
26:32Ten minutes of touched by an angel?
26:33That's what I call hell.
26:37Look at you.
26:38You are a holy vision.
26:39Okay, sweetie, I don't want to break your heart,
26:41but I'm not that drunk, and you're not that pretty.
26:43So, hands off.
26:46Well, look, I want to see St. Peter.
26:47Of course you do.
26:48But you know what?
26:50We don't have a metal detector here,
26:52and I don't know where the heck you're hiding your AK-47.
26:55Oh, please.
26:55That was just an old stereotype.
26:57I haven't loved delivering my mail.
26:59It was my dream job.
27:01That a girl.
27:02Aim low.
27:04Now, look.
27:05Just because I delivered mail back on Earth
27:07doesn't mean you're better than me.
27:08No, actually, that means I'm a lot better than you.
27:12Now, look.
27:13Are you going to let me in those pearly gates or what?
27:15Whoa, whoa.
27:15Everyone hit the dirt.
27:16She's going postal on us.
27:18Oh, just a joke, sweetie.
27:20Now, why don't you make, like, last week's mail and get lost?
27:23Oh, shit.
27:24Off you go.
27:25There you are.
27:27Oh, I do love that music.
27:29It's so soothing.
27:30How may I help you?
27:31Am I really dead?
27:33You are, but...
27:34Sure, you know what?
27:37Looks like those two have some shelf life left in them, huh?
27:42I bet the judges didn't know whether to fondle them
27:44or plant a flag in them.
27:47I won Miss IQ for my brains, not my body.
27:51Of course you did, sweetie,
27:52and you have the grass stains on your knees to prove it.
27:57I'll have you know I speak five languages.
28:00I'm sure you do,
28:01and I bet you also know how to say,
28:03here's my room key in every single one of them.
28:08Okay, cutie, in you go.
28:10Oh, I bet you wish you had a dollar
28:12for every time you said that to a stranger.
28:16Hmm, there you go.
28:18Oh, one more thing.
28:20When they tell you to spread them,
28:22they mean your wings.
28:26Christmas on a cracker.
28:28What do we got here?
28:28The crypt keeper?
28:29Is it true?
28:31Am I dead?
28:32I had a lot more to do.
28:34Like what?
28:35Slip in the tub and break another hip?
28:39I wanted to leave something behind.
28:42Oh, don't worry, sir, you did.
28:43You left your carcass for cat food.
28:47A little fluffy?
28:48Mm, little fluffy's living large,
28:50if you know what I mean.
28:51Okay, sir, you may pass.
28:54Oh, and I don't mean wind, old-timer.
28:56Oh, I'm flabbergasted that God would put you
28:59in charge of the heavenly gates.
29:01Heaven?
29:02Shhh, you know what?
29:06Hey!
29:07No, no.
29:09This is cool.
29:10Yeah, that's right.
29:10I don't belong here.
29:11I know you don't.
29:12It's dark and scary and red and all, I know.
29:15Off you go, sir.
29:16Off you go.
29:17Oh, oh, one last thing.
29:19I'd watch my back if I were you.
29:20Jeffrey Dahmer is your roommate.
29:23Bon appétit.
29:24Good evening, I'm Jerry Springer
29:29with a final thought.
29:32With a final thought about the Vancombe lady.
29:35You know, what have we learned here tonight?
29:38Well, deep down, she is a kind, compassionate person.
29:42She's just a lonely lady.
29:44She needs your forgiveness.
29:45She needs your love.
29:47Okay, you know what?
29:48I need you to shut your trap.
29:52I mean, how many more times
29:53can you hit the snooze button
29:54on your 15 minutes of fame there, okay?
29:58Now, why don't you make, like,
29:59some buck-toothed cross-eyed hermaphrodite
30:01on your show and go f*** yourself?
30:17Well, then again,
30:18maybe she's just a b***h.
30:20The next time,
30:22pickle yourself,
30:24answer.
30:37This fall,
30:38from the creators of The Incredible Hope,
30:40comes the TV science fiction action event of the year.
30:45Help!
30:46Help!
30:46Nobody get involved and nobody gets hurt!
30:48Let's go, I got it.
30:49Excuse me, gentlemen,
30:50but I'm gonna have to ask you
30:51to give that nice lady her purse back.
30:53Yeah?
30:54What are you gonna do about it?
30:55Yeah!
30:55Look, guys,
30:57don't make me angry.
30:58You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
31:00Whatever.
31:01Hey, don't let him push you around like that!
31:04Look at him, he's shaking.
31:05What's the matter?
31:05You scared?
31:06Tough guy, huh?
31:08It's happening!
31:09What's going on?
31:12This is getting weird, man.
31:27What'd you go and change for?
31:28Now you're teeny tiny.
31:30Fox probably presents Pocket Hulk.
31:32Come on, Lou, guys.
31:36Is that all you got?
31:37Yeah, let's waste this bunch, Chris.
31:41Okay, help this.
31:42Help this.
31:45What the heck were you doing out there?
31:50I don't know.
31:51Whenever I get mad,
31:52I turn into this tiny, weak monster.
31:55Well, if you'd stay big,
31:56I might still have my purse by now.
31:58I know it's a curse.
31:59Oh, curse this.
32:01Hey, lady, cut it out.
32:02Why?
32:03What are you going to do about it?
32:04You're making me angry.
32:06Big deal.
32:09It's happening.
32:15Oh, shut up.
32:17Shut up.
32:19Shut up, you little man.
32:20Within each of us,
32:22oft times there dwells
32:23a mighty raging fury.
32:25If you're lucky,
32:26that fury won't shrink you down,
32:27turn you green,
32:28and make you get your ass kicked.
32:30Pocket Hulk.
32:31Coming this fall to heart.
32:36Because I was looking good,
32:37but now there's something here or something.
32:39I don't know.
32:40Bing.
32:42Bing.
32:43You're watching that TV.
32:45You're going to do something?
32:45You are not watching that TV.
32:49Mate.
32:56Lowered expectation.
33:01Are you having trouble finding your ideal mate?
33:04How about any mate?
33:05Do you fear you'd be the last man or woman on Earth
33:09still not getting any?
33:11Are you using roofies to score?
33:14And yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams.
33:18Well, wake up sleeping ugly.
33:20Because your only hope is lowered expectations.
33:23Our video library allows you to choose
33:26from thousands of chronically rejected singles
33:28just as hard up and pathetic as you.
33:29So good luck.
33:31You'll need it.
33:32Jerry, number two, one, two.
33:35Hi, I'm Jerry.
33:36I'm a talk show host
33:37who's looking for someone I can really talk to for a change.
33:40I'm looking for a bisexual amputee midget hermaphrodite
33:45from the Canary Islands
33:46between the ages of 18 and 108
33:49who's at least 600 pounds and bulimic
33:53who likes cheating with her sisters
33:56while she's drunk at a line dance
33:58who was born addicted to crack
34:01but is now addicted to home shopping
34:02who can only get sexually aroused
34:05by witnessing motorcycle accidents
34:07involving identical twins getting makeovers
34:09and enjoys hate crimes
34:12ultimate fighting challenge
34:13prescription medication
34:14disowning your birth parents
34:16alien abduction
34:17and pinky and the brain.
34:23I'm sorry if I'm being so picky
34:24but I've seen it all
34:26and normal people just don't do it for me anymore.
34:30For Jerry, press down for two, one, two.
34:33Andy, I'm in a heap of trouble.
34:52I gave Otis a dollar to drop off my pickles
34:55in today's big pickle contest.
34:57Well, he forgot and now I've missed the deadline.
34:59Sorry, I drank him.
35:01Oh, no, he's pickled.
35:03Now, Aunt Bea,
35:05I got a jar of your pickles right here.
35:07Floyd's one of the judges.
35:09I'm sure he'll accept a late entry.
35:14Mmm, mmm.
35:16That's a good pickle.
35:17Good.
35:19Right in your shirt to win.
35:20I hope so.
35:21I'm so darn mad.
35:23Now, Ange,
35:24you let old Barney take care of this.
35:26Otis here let Aunt Bea down
35:27and we gotta nip it in the bud.
35:28Nip it in the bud!
35:31Barney, this is Maybaran.
35:33We're the police.
35:35When we want a citizen to do something,
35:37we just ask them right nice.
35:39Otis,
35:40left side or right?
35:42Huh?
35:43I'll take that as both.
35:51Well, you know,
35:52this never did deliver Aunt Bea's pickles,
35:55so you can understand my predicament.
35:57Oh, yeah, sure, Andy, sure.
35:59But I can't change the contest rules.
36:02After all, I'm just one judge.
36:05Oh, I hate to see something happen to you, Floyd.
36:09This is Maybear, Andy.
36:12What could happen here?
36:13A man could lose more than just his business if he's not careful.
36:21Oh, Andy.
36:23No, Andy, I'll pay your protection money.
36:27And I never told nobody about those drifters that you dumped in the pond.
36:31In the deep dark pond.
36:33Oh, I don't think you're airing me too clearly, Floyd.
36:36Maybe I need to open up your ears for you.
36:39No, it's Bonnie you want.
36:41He's been skimming off the top.
36:43He's robbing you, robbing you blind.
36:45Is that right?
36:46Mm-hmm.
36:48No!
36:48Ain't B will win that contest, Floyd.
37:01Oh, wouldn't you?
37:02Might want to see Ellie over at the drugstore and get some iodine on that scratch.
37:05Gosh, Paul, you think Aunt Bea won the pickle contest?
37:13Well, son, I reckon we'll find out any minute now.
37:17Get down over there, Otis.
37:19Sheriff, please! Otis needs a doctor! He's bleeding real bad!
37:23Can't we all just get along?
37:26Please help us!
37:28Why's Clara in jail? Isn't she Aunt Bea's big rival at the pickle contest?
37:32Well, now, son, it's a funny thing.
37:34She was on her way to the contest, and Barn pulled her over,
37:37found an eight ball at Genuine Columbian Block.
37:40You put it there!
37:42Actually, it was just a gram.
37:46That's a funny, Barn. I remember giving you an eight ball.
37:50Nope!
37:51This is insane! You can't plant drugs to fix a pickle contest!
37:56Now, Clara, it may just be me getting on in years,
38:00but did I just hear you say I can't?
38:02Well, it's against the law!
38:05I am the law!
38:08No one can stop me!
38:12Andy, I won!
38:14Oh, congratulations, Aunt Bea, I knew it.
38:17Me too, Aunt Bea, I knew you would, too.
38:20Well, why don't we celebrate with one of my win pickles?
38:22Oh!
38:23Mmm!
38:23Mmm!
38:24Oh!
38:25Oh!
38:25Oh, oh, oh, oh!
38:26Oh, oh!
38:33You are now watching that TV!
38:37May!
38:39I am sick of your lousy attitude, Joe.
38:42And another thing.
38:43If you're late one more time, you're fired.
38:45Oh, yeah?
38:47Well, you can take this job and shove it,
38:49because I'm starting my own business.
38:51You? Ha! You couldn't start a rumor. Ha, ha, ha!
38:54Oh, no. I am doomed.
38:57Trapped in a dead-end, low-paying job.
39:01That was me five years ago.
39:03Doomed. Trapped in a dead-end, low-paying job.
39:07Before I discovered the exciting world of headless clone ranching.
39:11That's right. Headless clone ranching.
39:13The glamorous and easy way to make millions.
39:16I always thought, headless clone ranching?
39:19Me? But I don't have a degree from some fancy junior college.
39:23But look at me now.
39:24I supply high-quality, rejection-resistant, transplantable organs
39:28for hospitals, schools, and just for fun.
39:32You could be like me.
39:35All you need are two fertile eggs, a nutrient-rich amino acid bath,
39:39a solar-powered recombinant isotope chamber, and you're on your way.
39:43And, fellas, once the ladies find out that you have a profitable headless clone ranching operation,
39:49you'll have to clone yourself to have time for them all.
39:52Am I right? Ha, ha.
39:54And just think of all the old-fashioned values your kids will learn
39:57as they harvest human organs for money.
40:00Hey, Joe. Drinking has turned my liver to Swiss cheese.
40:02I sure could use a new one.
40:03And just imagine the revenge you can exact on your former enemies.
40:09Sorry, loser.
40:10Go die in the gutter somewhere else.
40:16Ha, ha, ha.
40:17Who's laughing now?
40:19Be a part of the fabulous world of headless clone ranching.
40:22Send check or money order for $119.95 to
40:25Headless Clone Ranching, Box 3424, Titusville, Florida, 01284.
40:30Now that's using your head.
40:33At last.
40:37This is what we do in between funny skits.
40:39Now.
40:40Fat and sugar.
40:41What comedy is made of.
40:43Funny.
40:43Mad.
40:44Ha, ha.
40:50I had a great time.
40:51Keep watching Mad TV.
40:52Good night, everybody.
40:53Good night.
41:20Whatever happens next, I'm not responsible for it.
41:41All right, that's it.
41:42Somebody let the shot throw and punches the old lady gets it.
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