- 5 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 3
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00Hi, welcome to the International Wetline.
00:23We've been waiting all day for you to call.
00:26Me too.
00:27If you would like to talk to Swedish teenage enema nurses, enter one.
00:32Been there, done that.
00:34If you would like to talk to jackbooted lawmen with leather holsters, enter two.
00:39Boring.
00:40If you want an over 40 woman with loads of sophistication, enter three.
00:45Yeah.
00:46I think I'll go for the sure hand of experience.
00:54Hello?
00:56Hi.
00:57Ooh, you sound hot.
01:00How old are you?
01:02Let's just say I'm old enough to know where it is and how to use it.
01:07Okay.
01:08Yeah, I'm ready.
01:09Oh, I don't think you are, you naughty boy.
01:14I'm going to have to pull down your pants and give you a spanking.
01:19Okay.
01:20There.
01:21I'm pulling them down.
01:23My, how you've grown, you naughty nerd.
01:29That's weird.
01:30My mom used to call me that.
01:32I'm going to put you over my knee, you naughty nerd.
01:37Mom?
01:38Ryan?
01:39Oh my God!
01:40What are you doing on a phone sex line?
01:41What am I doing on a phone sex line?
01:42What are you doing on a phone sex line?
01:43What are you doing calling a phone sex line?
01:44I don't know.
01:45I guess I just felt like it.
01:46Oh, what happened to Susan?
01:47Mom!
01:48You're too good for her, I suppose.
01:49We broke up last week.
01:50And I'm always the last to know.
01:51I'm sorry, Mom.
01:52I've been busy.
01:53Calling for phone sex, probably.
01:54I raised you for this.
01:55Hold on a second.
01:56You're a phone sex operator.
01:57How else was I supposed to put three kids through college?
01:58I don't know, man.
01:59This is just too weird.
02:00I gotta go.
02:01Brian, you never finish something you start.
02:02Now, do you want me to turn you on or not?
02:03No!
02:04No!
02:05No!
02:06No!
02:07No!
02:08No!
02:09No!
02:10No!
02:11No!
02:12No!
02:13No!
02:14No!
02:15No!
02:16No!
02:17No!
02:18No!
02:19No!
02:20No!
02:21Or twitter, just like your father.
02:23No!
02:24No!
02:25No!
02:26No!
02:27No!
02:28No!
02:29No!
02:30No!
02:31No!
02:32No!
02:33No!
02:42No!
02:43No.
02:44No!
02:45No!
02:46Oh!
02:46Oh!
02:49I'm not through with you yet, you man.
02:54The only time you listen to me is when you want to get off.
02:57And what about your grandmother, all alone in the nursing home?
03:01Do you think she has any clients?
03:03No, she taught me the business.
03:04No, she taught me the business.
03:19Man, you're so crazy.
03:28Man, you're so crazy.
03:44Hey, everybody, welcome to MADtv.
04:08Now, we're going to get to the funny stuff in a minute, but we also have a very serious side, too, here.
04:12And that's why we're taking the risk by pausing for a special up-front talk about a disease that many adult Americans suffer from.
04:19It's called Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD.
04:23Now, instead of bringing out some professional who'll put you through some dry, boring lecture,
04:27one of our own cast members was not only courageous enough to come forward and admit that she has ADD,
04:32but she's going to come out here and talk about how she's overcome it.
04:36Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mary Shearer.
04:38Mary.
04:38Mary!
04:38Mary!
04:39Mary!
04:39Mary!
04:42Well, okay, here goes.
04:47As Deborah probably mentioned, I have Attention Deficit Disorder.
04:51It's a disease that's been misunderstood for decades.
04:54That's where we get the classic hyperactive child, nervous teenager, and fidgety adult.
04:58But ADD does not have to lessen the quality of your life.
05:02There are some benefits to it.
05:04Increased creativity, intuition, even periods of extreme focus and lucidity.
05:09I know that certainly helped me with my acting career, which I began back in Detroit.
05:13Yeah, they have great submarine sandwiches there, except they're called grinders.
05:17Yeah, I worked at a grinder stand in college.
05:19Oh, college was cool.
05:21There was a problem with overcrowding when I was a freshman, so my dorm was actually the third floor of an upperclassman dorm.
05:27But you know that the upperclassmen were always buying blocks of concert tickets and scalping them to the underclassmen?
05:33But I got to see some really great shows.
05:36Elvis Costello came through right after King of America came out.
05:39Ooh.
05:39So this guy in our hall, Jay Kasperger, had these binoculars as well.
05:43They looked like binoculars, but they were hollow and you could put booze in them.
05:48Is that how I'm coming out in that monitor?
05:51Oh, you know, there are certain clothes that you can't wear on television.
05:54Really bright whites or vertical stripes.
05:56They just don't look good.
05:57You should see this costume I'm wearing in the sketch I'm doing later.
06:00Just a minute.
06:00Um, okay, I guess the first part told you a little bit about what ADD is.
06:08I'm playing a tomato.
06:09Mary, what are you doing?
06:10What?
06:11You're supposed to be talking about ADD and where people can write for information.
06:15Oh, right.
06:16Sorry.
06:18So, for more information on ADD, write the ADD Information Clearinghouse P.O. Box.
06:24Hey, moths.
06:30Are you out there, A, E, and E?
06:34Of course you are.
06:36You know how all along you've been telling us here at NDI to put it in writing?
06:40Subtly suggesting that we haven't been telling the truth about our savings.
06:44Put it in writing?
06:45Well, we'll do one better than that.
06:48This is the Holy Bible.
06:51I swear to God that our rates are 20% lower than A, E, and E.
06:56I won't see the other guys doing that.
06:58I guess A, E, and E just doesn't believe in God.
07:03N-D-I.
07:05The Righteous Choice.
07:06Stop dealing with pagans.
07:09You've seen them at the Laugh Hole.
07:32You've seen them on Ha Ha's.
07:34Let's give a big PJ McYucks welcome.
07:36Here they are, Lenny and Lumpkin.
07:44Hey, great to be in L.A.
07:46Yeah, great.
07:47Sure are some great-looking ladies here tonight.
07:49Now, Lumpkin, you promised you'd be on your best behavior.
07:51Oh, come on, come on.
07:52We're in Hollywood.
07:54Lighten up, get loose.
07:55Let's swing a little bit.
07:56Anything can go tonight.
07:57Anything can go.
07:58You better calm down.
07:59You don't want the good folks here to think you're some kind of a weirdo.
08:01What's so weird about saying there's a lot of good-looking people in the room tonight?
08:05Well, I mean, this is the land of the beautiful people, women and men.
08:10What's so weird about saying there's a lot of good-looking men in Hollywood?
08:14Uh, there's nothing wrong with saying that.
08:18Yeah.
08:19What, with all the movie stars and all?
08:23I mean, how many times have you taken me to see Desperado?
08:26I don't think...
08:27Fifteen times!
08:30Now, Lumpkin!
08:31And you don't have to be a movie star to be good-looking.
08:33Like you, sir, for example.
08:36Hello, sailor!
08:37How much shore leave did the captain give you?
08:39Lumpkin, for God's sake!
08:41I got a friend who throws his voice.
08:42You want to get together?
08:43Lumpkin!
08:45Remember the act.
08:46Oh, yeah, yeah.
08:47The act, yeah.
08:48Knock, knock.
08:51Who's there?
08:52You.
08:54You who?
08:55You who, Ensign Gorgeous!
08:56Want to go back to my room for a salami quickie?
08:58That's it!
08:59Listen to me, I am not good.
09:00I never said you were.
09:01This is our big network shop.
09:02Okay, all right.
09:03Don't blow this.
09:04I won't blow it.
09:05Holy smokes.
09:07Now, uh, now my good friend Lumpkin will sing a song
09:10while I pause for some liquid refreshment.
09:12We're here!
09:13We're queer!
09:14Get used to it!
09:15That's it!
09:18You're going back in the closet!
09:19Closet!
09:19Closet!
09:20I mean Trump!
09:21Damn you!
09:21I am not gay!
09:25Say it!
09:26Say it!
09:26I am not gay!
09:28Not gay!
09:28Okay, you're not gay!
09:30The guy living in your houses, and you're just a heavy sleeper.
09:33Damn you!
09:34The truth will set you free!
09:41And now, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, American Juggalo!
09:49And now, another exciting episode of Psychic Curve.
09:53Hey, Chief, what have we got?
10:02What have we got?
10:03More like what don't we got.
10:05No witnesses, no fingerprints, no footprints, no casings, no fibers, no exit wound, no entry
10:09wound, no nothing.
10:10If it weren't for the stiff, we wouldn't even know we had a murder.
10:12We're completely baffled.
10:13Whoever did this was good.
10:15Real good.
10:19The Chief did it!
10:20All right, I did it, damn it!
10:26You got me!
10:27You happy now?
10:28Kresge, how did you know?
10:29Simple.
10:30My psychic powers tell me that the victim was killed by a lethal dose of titanium hydroxide,
10:34an undetectable toxin used in the manufacture of tennis rackets.
10:37But the Chief doesn't play tennis.
10:39Precisely.
10:40But when one-eyed Nick Latzo's henchman is caught breaking into City Hall to steal funds
10:43for the annual garlic festival, the Chief panics.
10:45So he hides the photos in the boiler room at the nicotine patch factory.
10:48But when the monks at St. Joe's discover that their eggplant garden is poisoned, it's
10:51game over.
10:52And before you can say Dionne Warwick, he rubs out the deputy mayor's chiropractor.
10:56Take him away, boys.
10:58Great job, Kresge.
11:00Thanks, Tatum.
11:01Attention all units.
11:01Double homicide at the corner of Larson and Peebles Drive.
11:04Suspect is armed and extremely dangerous.
11:06Tell him we're on our way.
11:07Let's roll.
11:09Wait.
11:09The killer's name is Norris Fultley lives at 302 Montclair Apartment 6, but you'll find
11:13him under a pile of rotting bok choy in a dumpster behind Chef Wong's.
11:16Damn you, Kresge, and your psychic powers.
11:18When are you going to let me solve a case on my own?
11:21March 6, 1997.
11:22My kindergarten teacher will be decapitated on the Uptown Local.
11:25You'll find that a man named George Watson...
11:27Oops.
11:28Damn you!
11:29Hey, calm down, Tatum.
11:31No, I'm sick and tired.
11:32Listen.
11:33Your wife is about to step into the shower of the UPS man.
11:35She'll be lathering places he'd normally do himself.
11:37Damn her!
11:38I gave her the best 20 years...
11:39Wait, I'm getting something else.
11:41In the long run, Tatum, it's not going to matter anyway.
11:43Why?
11:46That's why.
11:47Tune in next week for another exciting episode...
11:49Wait, don't bother tuning in.
11:50We're getting canceled tomorrow.
11:52Damn you, Kresge, and your psychic powers.
12:07Wait, don't bother tuning in.
12:25I'm going to get canceled.
12:32Later on in the show, the world premiere of the new Rolling Stones video.
12:54I'm Sandy Jo, and we're back with Kathy.
13:08What exactly did your mother do?
13:10She put me on a leash when I was four!
13:13Oh, no, no, that's terrible. Four is too young.
13:18Bye, Mom.
13:19Oh, young lady, where do you think you are going?
13:22I told you, I'm going to Jason's party.
13:24Looking like that?
13:26Come on, Mom.
13:27I raised you in Long Island. You look like a plain-Jersey slut.
13:30Ma, I look fine.
13:32No, no, upstairs you go, little Miss Heidi Fleiss. You go cover yourself up.
13:37Jason said I look pretty in this.
13:40Obviously, he wasn't looking at you from behind.
13:47You took me to the beach and pretended I wasn't your daughter!
13:49How else was I gonna find you a father?
13:52Where do they dig these people up, you pigs?
13:56I don't understand. Didn't they learn anything from the Menendez?
14:01I'm going, Ma.
14:03What, what, what, what, what? With that hair?
14:06Ma, my hair looks fine.
14:08How could you look in the mirror and say that? You look easy.
14:11Get over here.
14:13Don't even know why I'm letting you go out tonight, a bunch of teenagers dressed up like hookers.
14:17Oh, now you're an expert on hookers.
14:18Oh, Debbie, you know you can't see without your eyeglasses.
14:22No, Ma, I hate my glasses.
14:23Put them on. Go, go.
14:25I had to add two feet of elastic to your brownie uniform.
14:32You locked me in the cellar for three days.
14:36Oh, you didn't complain when you lost all that weight.
14:39Oh, now can I go, Mama?
14:42Oh, let me look at you.
14:43For this face, I got stretch marks?
14:50I cannot let you go out of the house looking like this.
14:53You are still my little girl.
14:55Ma, I don't need your help.
14:57Oh, oh, the next thing you'll be saying is that you don't need a mother.
15:00I don't need a mother.
15:02And I'm not going to that party because you make me feel ugly.
15:05The only thing ugly is your attitude, young lady.
15:15Now, you stay in that room until you can learn to act your age.
15:19Teenagers.
15:20All right, all right.
15:23Maybe I was wrong.
15:26I'm sorry.
15:28Well, it's a little late for that, Joan Crawford.
15:30Wake up and smell the coffee.
15:32Who is it?
15:35It's Jason.
15:36Oh, come in.
15:39Hey, Mrs. Rydell.
15:41Hello there, Jason.
15:42Is Debbie ready?
15:43Uh, Debbie is not feeling so well, but, uh, hey, I feel great.
15:52Oh, that's good.
15:54Uh, listen, would you mind if I crash this little party of yours?
15:57Good, let's go.
15:58I hope you don't have a curfew because I can stay out as late as I want.
16:02Move, sweetheart.
16:07Jason?
16:10Jason?
16:11Great.
16:14I can't believe my...
16:15Howdy, folks.
16:23Howdy, Randall Rose.
16:26Let's chat, shall we?
16:28Now, there's something that's been on my mind for years.
16:31Racism versus spam.
16:33Now, there are many similarities between these two.
16:36Both are curious amalgams of debatable ingredients.
16:39Both spread easily.
16:43Both can be sliced, diced, or shaped to fit any social situation.
16:47Both have letters AMS, when arranged properly, spells MAS, which in Spanish means more, which
16:53is something you never hear folks yelling for racism or spam.
16:57Both are very popular in the South.
17:00Hang ten may be a surfing term out here in California, but where I'm from, it's an ambitious
17:04Saturday night.
17:07Both go well with white bread, although a cracker is a nice change of pace.
17:12And both are lousy names for dogs.
17:16Racism.
17:18Come here, boy.
17:20Bad spam, bad spam.
17:22Sit.
17:23See?
17:24In fact, there's only one difference between these two.
17:28Racism isn't delicious.
17:30Damn, that's good.
17:46It's time for First to a Million.
17:50Now, here's your host, Peter Marshall.
17:56Thank you very much.
17:58Good evening and welcome to First to a Million.
18:01Hi, Ben.
18:02Hi, Judy.
18:03How you doing?
18:04Are you ready to play the game?
18:05Yeah.
18:06The rules are very simple.
18:07The first contestant to win a million points wins the game.
18:10Okay, here we go.
18:11Today's categories.
18:13The categories are Impressionist Art, Academy Awards, Presidents, World War II, Ancient Civilizations,
18:20and Potluck.
18:22Okay, Ben, you want to toss backstage?
18:24You'll start.
18:24Where are you going?
18:25I'll try Presidents, Peter.
18:27All righty.
18:27Which president dropped the bomb on Hiroshima?
18:30Ben, you got it.
18:31Harry Truman.
18:32That's it.
18:33Harry Truman.
18:34Terrific, Ben.
18:36Terrific.
18:37You have got one point.
18:40Where to next?
18:45Ben, where next?
18:48I guess I'll stick with Presidents, John.
18:51All righty.
18:51Here we go.
18:52Which president ascended to office when Abraham Lincoln was assassinated?
18:57Ah, Ben, you got it again.
18:58Andrew Johnson?
18:59Way to go, Ben.
19:00Way to go.
19:01Make it two to nothing.
19:03Ben, you're still in control.
19:05Okay.
19:06Pick a category.
19:08It's two to nothing, Ben.
19:09Peter, is there a category where the questions are worth more?
19:16Worth more what?
19:18You know, worth more than one point.
19:21So you're thinking that maybe we have some questions that are perhaps worth two points.
19:24Is that right?
19:25Yeah.
19:29That's cute.
19:30No, we don't have any of those.
19:32All right, continue.
19:34Peter, this is pointless.
19:36Judy, I know it seems like you're way behind now, but trust me, dear, you're still in the game.
19:40It's rare, but I've seen people come back from two zero deficits before, so don't give up.
19:46Okay, I won't give up.
19:47Stay tuned.
19:48We'll be right back with a lightning round here on First to a Million.
20:52What is 10 times 5?
20:5450.
20:56Congratulations, Ben.
20:57You have just reached 11,000 points.
21:01Hey, whoopee.
21:02Hey, are we going to get some dinner?
21:04Dinner, of course not.
21:06Now, we need another category.
21:07Ben, your turn.
21:09Why don't we try ancient civilizations for one, Peter?
21:13Director Ron Howard showed you the triumph of the American spirit in Apollo 13.
21:26Now, in his latest film, he brings you the torment of the eternal soul.
21:31Okay, Fred, let's stir the tanks.
21:36Hey, what the?
21:38How'd you kids get in here?
21:40We wanted to be part of the 20 million mile high club.
21:43Come on, Brad.
21:44It's so horny.
21:45Hey, now, you kids be careful now.
21:48We've got a lunar landing to finish up.
21:51Is that a kick in the pants?
21:53Hey, Brad.
22:12Nancy.
22:15You guys, stop kidding around.
22:17We're going to go check on those kids.
22:27You see, we have a problem.
22:29They've all got a problem in Apollo 13, when Jason takes NASA.
22:35Sir, it's Jason.
22:37I thought he died on re-entry after the moonwalk.
22:39No American's ever been hacked to pieces in space by a hockey mask-wearing homicidal maniac,
22:43and it sure as hell isn't going to happen on my watch.
22:45But, Gene, it just happened to two of them.
22:48Okay, no three Americans have ever been hacked to pieces in space by a hockey mask-wearing homicidal maniac on my watch.
22:55Jim?
22:57Hello?
23:08Get it!
23:10Teddy.
23:11Oh.
23:15Oh, I'm getting out of here!
23:19Help me!
23:20Giant men, I'm trying!
23:22Come on!
23:24Come on!
23:25Okay, no four Americans have ever been hacked to pieces in space by a hockey mask-wearing homicidal maniac on my watch.
23:33Apollo 13.
23:35Jason takes NASA.
23:37One small step for that.
23:39One giant slash for Jason.
23:42Coming soon.
23:43Hi, I'm Phil Lamar.
23:54Um, right now, I'd like to talk about something that's important to me.
23:58Now, a lot of people don't know this about me, but I am the firstborn son of a Nigerian mother and a Scottish father.
24:05I just perm my hair and wear the brown contacts, because in Hollywood you can never be too Denzel, you know.
24:13But my ethnic identity is important to me, and that's why I've helped form the Mulatto Entertainers Association.
24:20Now, the MEA is an organization of artists who share ideals, a belief in the healing power of entertainment, and a need for sunblock, even on overcast days.
24:30And on January 3rd, we'll be presenting our first ever Mulatto Rock Festival, entitled Light Skins, Heavy Thoughts, Half Breeds, and Others on Parade.
24:42With hosts Jennifer Beals and Radon Chong, it'll feature live performances by Lenny Kravitz, Terrence Trent Darby, Mariah Carey, and Sade.
24:50Today, with a special appearance by Slash of Guns N' Roses, performing renditions of A Whiter Shade of Pale, Behind Blue Eyes, and the MEA's rap anthem, As Mocha As We Wanna Be.
25:02And if you dig that, please stay tuned, because immediately following it will be the MEA's High Yellow Achievement Awards, with hosts Vanessa Williams and Bryant Gumbel.
25:10Our presenters will include some of the brightest stars of today, including Halle Berry, Sinbad, Wesley Snipes, I'm sorry, that's a typo.
25:24The HYAA chairman, Colin Powell, will be presenting the Lena Horne Lifetime Enlightenment Award to the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
25:32That's right before we induct honorary members Vanilla Ice, the Beastie Boys, and Michael Bolton.
25:38Also, proceeds from this benefit will go to the Flava Flav Foundation for Darkness Studies.
25:46So, if you dig your rock and roll in the Café Latte Tip, be sure to join us January 3rd.
25:51I'll see you then.
25:52Oh!
26:13Oh!
26:13Hey, you know you're going to stick around for the premiere of the Rolling Stones video.
26:38Shadooobay.
26:43Hey, at home, it's time for Cookin' with Sherry, and I'm Sherry.
27:02Today, we're going to make something very simple, very tasty, and very, very soothing.
27:10It's called One Two Turkey.
27:12Move out of the way of TV.
27:14Now, you can use the turkey leftover from last week's recipe for turkey with codeine stuffing ogrette if you've got any leftover.
27:22You saw the damn racket in there.
27:24Sorry, honey. I was just thinking.
27:26Yeah, well, knock it off.
27:27Have you ever been involved in a relationship with somebody, and you discover later that that person isn't the person you thought they were going to be?
27:37Anyway, the first thing you're going to need is some breading.
27:42Now, you can use cracker crumbs, but you can also use antidepressants if you're on them.
27:48Today, I'm going to use muscle relaxants.
27:51It's a good idea to rotate your ingredients.
27:54Otherwise, you'll build up a tolerance for them.
27:57After all, he is pretty tense.
28:01The car's been repossessed.
28:02He's been laid off.
28:04He is just a bomb waiting to go off.
28:07Now, I've been marinating the turkey and tequila all night, which gives this dish the one-two punch of alcohol and the all-natural depressant, tryptophan.
28:21Yay!
28:22That's why I call it one-two turkey.
28:25Yeah.
28:26Ooh.
28:28Mommy?
28:28Yes, honey?
28:29Daddy wants a beer.
28:30Okay, honey.
28:31He's not your daddy.
28:32Oh!
28:37There.
28:40Now, I've already got one prepared, so let's have a look.
28:43Stand very cold.
28:44What the hell is wrong with you?
28:46Excuse me for one moment.
28:51Don't you yell at my kid.
28:52Hey, I yell at him if I want.
28:54If you want to yell at your own kid, go to my sister.
28:56Hey, you better shut your mouth before I shut it for you.
28:59Keep cooking.
29:01I'll keep cooking.
29:03Let's have a look, okay?
29:06Mmm.
29:07Doesn't that look delicious?
29:10Remember, the better it tastes, the more he eats.
29:13And the more he eats, the more trucks get into his system.
29:16And they keep his temper under control until the divorce is final.
29:22But here's the real test.
29:23How does it taste?
29:25Let's find out.
29:27Honey, dinner's ready.
29:29About damn time.
29:31What's for dinner?
29:32I'm starving.
29:32It's called one-two turkey.
29:34One-two turkey?
29:35A one-two turkey you.
29:36Oh.
29:41Not bad.
29:47Mommy?
29:47Hmm?
29:48His daddy's sleeping.
29:49He's not your daddy, honey.
29:51Here.
29:51Take this and go get some pizza.
29:53Yay!
29:54Pizza!
29:54Well, that's all the time we have today on Cooking with Sherry.
29:58Tune in tomorrow, and I'll show you how to make pancakes per-a-down, because breakfast is the first meal of the rest of your life.
30:07See you tomorrow.
30:09I hope so.
30:15I went to the circus the other day.
30:17God of things change.
30:18Check this out.
30:19They feed the lion 15 minutes before the guy sticks his head into its mouth.
30:24What the hell is that?
30:25Who's running the circus these days?
30:27Ralph Nader?
30:28They're so damn safe now.
30:30In my day, there wasn't any money to feed the lion.
30:32But it wasn't about money, anyway.
30:34It was about insane, ravenous animals chewing on a man's skull faster than Anna Nicole Smith on a pogo stick chasing after a van load of geriatric billionaires.
30:43Now, that was great to watch.
30:45Nowadays, if the tightrope walker falls, he falls into a net.
30:48Otherwise, he might get hurt.
30:50Then the circus won't be able to afford his insurance premiums and have to shut down.
30:54In my day, the tightrope walkers used to have to juggle six bowling balls, and they had their inner ears removed so they'd have no equilibrium back.
31:01Plus, their shoelaces were tied together.
31:03Now, that was the good old days.
31:05And what's this bear riding a unicycle crap?
31:08In my day, the bear would carjack a Mercedes, stuff a hostage into the trunk, and then drive around in reverse until he ran out of gas.
31:15Then he'd steal a bus and drive at 90 miles an hour through a school zone, and he'd never stop for cops.
31:20Never.
31:22I remember when there was only one clown in the car.
31:24Not 30 or 40, just one.
31:26But that one had a bottle of champagne and a hooker in there with him.
31:29Now, that was great to see.
31:31Clowns getting venereal diseases and tossing some whore out of a tiny car going 40 miles an hour,
31:35just because he didn't feel like paying her.
31:37I had fun, because it looked like he was having fun.
31:42I remember when they used to shove some guy into a can and no helmet with dynamite tied to his testicles with dental floss.
31:47Then they'd shoot him right into the intensive care unit of a hospital,
31:50while a marching band made up a one-legged albino midget,
31:53shot poisonous darts at anyone in the stands eating cotton candy.
31:56And the guy on stilts had both of them shoved in his keister.
32:01Now, that was worth 25 cents.
32:03Hey, everybody.
32:16Do you know what time it is?
32:17It's Militia Time!
32:20That's right.
32:21And here's your Militia Time host, Tim McAllen!
32:24Hi, welcome to Militia Time.
32:28I'm your host, Tim McAllen.
32:30Last week, we showed you how to fortify your home against a government assault.
32:34We've already put up most of the bulletproof siding and completed the spiked trench around the perimeter of the yard.
32:39Now we're going to concentrate on the great indoors.
32:42I believe you know my trusty sidekick Butterfingers.
32:46I mean, Al.
32:49What you doing there, Al?
32:51Well, Tim, I was just converting these standard Remington .30-06 hunting rifles into full automatic.
32:56Ah.
32:57Just in case you want to do a whole lot of hunting all at once.
33:00Yeah, like, say, at a fast food restaurant?
33:02Ooh, you said it.
33:04You know what this gun needs?
33:06A little more power!
33:07Now, it's real easy to convert these guns to full auto.
33:12A precision saw and a bastard file will help get rid of the fail-safe pen that keeps the magazine from repeating too fast.
33:18A magazine can never repeat too fast, Al, except maybe Penthouse.
33:23I think you repeat too fast when you read Penthouse, Tim.
33:27That's very funny, Al.
33:28That's very funny.
33:29You know, you shouldn't be cracking wise with all these guns lying in.
33:32Uh, could you be careful with that, Tim, please?
33:34What?
33:34What, you're saying I don't know how to handle a gun?
33:35No, I'm just saying be careful.
33:37Always make sure the safety's on.
33:38Of course the safety's on.
33:48Jeez, Tim, be careful.
33:50Don't worry, Al.
33:52These walls are bulletproof, remember?
33:53We didn't do the whole house, Tim, remember?
33:58Wilson?
34:00Wilson, you okay?
34:01I think so, Tim, except you blew my face off.
34:05I didn't even know you had a face, Wilson.
34:11God, Tim, he's dead.
34:13You had it coming, Al.
34:14You didn't return my fertilizer.
34:16Don't worry, Tim.
34:16I think you got plenty to spare.
34:19That's very funny, Al.
34:22Who is it?
34:23This is your postman.
34:24I have a package for Mr. Tim McCallum.
34:28I'm Tim McCallum.
34:29This package was returned for insufficient postage.
34:32Oh, here, Al.
34:33I believe this is yours.
34:34It's yours.
34:35No, it's yours.
34:35Merry Christmas.
34:36Yeah, yours, baby.
34:37Look, all you need is 64 cents.
34:39Here, why don't you wait on the parts while I write you a check?
34:41Remember, when mailing letter bombs, always use enough postage.
34:52And never, ever use your own return address.
34:55Hey, at least the wall held.
34:58We'll be back after these messages.
35:00Edgar wasn't feeling well that day.
35:12At about 5 o'clock, he opened the phone bill.
35:15The NDI phone bill.
35:18He took one look at it and suffered a massive heart attack.
35:23I immediately dial 911.
35:26But halfway through the call,
35:28before I could give them the address,
35:31the phone went dead.
35:34Shortly after.
35:36So did my Edgar.
35:41Damn you, NDI.
35:47A, E, and E.
35:49Keeping friends and family alive.
35:55The Rolling Stones video, coming up next.
35:58And now, something you've all been waiting for.
36:08We're very proud to present the world premiere of The Rolling Stones' new video.
36:12Enjoy.
36:12Once upon a time, you're dressed so fine.
36:29Through the bumps of time, and you climb.
36:33And then you.
36:33Yeah, people call, send me, well, now you're bound to fall.
36:39They thought that they were just a kid in you.
36:43You used to laugh about everybody that was hanging out.
36:56And now you don't walk so proud.
37:00Now you don't talk so loud about having to scrounge in your neck.
37:09They're Robinsonix.
37:11And now you'reri владing to be on your own.
37:12And then you're Das� with no idea.
37:18I don't feel you.
37:18I don't feel you.
37:19I don't feel you.
37:19I don't feel you.
37:21I don't feel you.
37:21You piled me.
37:22To be on your own
37:25With no direction at all
37:29A complete unknown
37:34Just like a rolling stone
37:39Come on!
37:45The way to the finest school's alright and it's lonely
37:48But you know you're only used to, yeah
37:50It's used to, yeah
37:53Nobody told you how to live out on the street
37:57But now you're gonna have to get used to, yeah
38:01You say you never compromise
38:08With a mystery trap
38:10And now you realize
38:13That who's not selling any alibis
38:17As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
38:22And say, do you want to make fun to your own
38:30How does it feel?
38:34How does it feel?
38:39To be on your own
38:41With no direction at all
38:47A complete unknown
38:51Just like a rolling stone
38:56Let it feel好
39:02To be on your own
39:06But now you're stuck in the Lord
39:10A complete unknown
39:12I pour to be on
39:16guitar solo
39:46How you feel
39:50How you feel
39:55To be on your own
39:59There's no direction at all
40:04I ain't complete my love
40:09Just like a rolling stone
40:13Come on!
40:16I ain't complete my love
40:46Now it's you, it's all you!
40:52Okay!
40:54Thanks for tuning in!
40:55Hope you enjoyed the show, and Dad, if you're watching, tell Mom I said hi.
40:59Yeah, and I just want to say hi to my buddy at home, Mike Roller.
41:02Uh-uh, before we say goodnight, let's bring out Mary Sheeran.
41:05Come on out, Mary!
41:06Just say goodnight to the viewers.
41:12Oh, okay.
41:13Well, looks like our time's up, but keep in mind this is only seven seconds.
41:17Okay, let me do it, all right?
41:18Go, go.
41:19Fine.
41:20All right, getting back to thanking you for tuning in.
41:22Thanks for tuning in.
41:23And, oh, speaking of tune, my friend's band is playing at the Old Bailey tonight, and they're
41:26this three-piece outfit.
41:27I got the cutest outfit last week.
41:29Now, that in itself isn't that exciting, but I got it way cheap.
41:32I think it was put on the discount rack by accident, so I kind of lucked out there.
41:36Have you ever seen the movie 29th Street?
41:38That's sort of about luck.
41:39You know, I think it's always been kind of underrated.
41:42You know, movies nowadays, I think they try and get an NC-17 rating just to generate controversy
41:47so they would make more money than they normally would.
41:50And, you know, show business shouldn't be about money.
41:53It should be about art, like Art Carney.
41:56Now, there is a talented actor.
41:58Did you know that she played Felix Unger in the original Broadway version of The Odd Couple?
42:02Yeah, not a lot of people know that, but...
42:05Oh, getting back to what I was originally saying about thanking you for tuning in.
42:08You know, I think we as a cast are really beginning to bond, and I'm so glad that you're
42:12watching week after week to see it happen.
42:14I went to this marathon screening of Bond films last week.
42:17Oh, my gosh, I forgot how ridiculous some of those women's names were, like Dr. Goodhead,
42:21Plenty O'Toole, and who could forget Holly Goodnight?
42:24That reminds me.
42:26Goodnight!
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