- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 20
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:00On the next MADtv, the King of Pop goes toe-to-toe with the Lord of the Dance.
00:07Looks like somebody's all tapped out.
00:13And Ryan Stiles knows size does matter.
00:16Let me hip you to what every woman knows.
00:19The ladies go for dudes with great big toes. Huge toes.
00:24Next on MADtv.
00:26You are now watching MADtv.
00:32You are now watching MADtv.
00:36Me!
00:45Hey, right on time.
00:46Mr. Punctual, that's me.
00:48Come on in.
00:49Well, you know, I would have been here sooner, but the elevator was broken, so I had to run six floors, you know?
00:53Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about that.
00:55That's okay.
00:56Can I get you something to drink, or?
00:57Sure, that sounds great.
00:58How about, uh, soda?
00:59Sure, sure.
01:00Um, I should just let you know that I don't normally date guys from work, but, you know,
01:04Madonna in accounting said that you're really cool, so...
01:07Hey, you know me.
01:08That's me, Mr. Cool, huh?
01:10I can't believe we worked right down the hall from each other.
01:12We've never even met.
01:14For years, she's been searching.
01:16What was that?
01:17Little did she know, the man of her dreams was working on the third floor.
01:22Oh, you're doing like the movie phone guy, right?
01:25She was confused.
01:26He was young.
01:27There were two young lovers looking for love.
01:30Oh, wow.
01:31Do another one.
01:32He was an accountant by day, lover by night.
01:36Oh, that's great.
01:38She was easily impressed.
01:40Everything was going well.
01:42Hey, thanks for the soda.
01:43No problem.
01:44God, how do you get your voice to do that?
01:46Two lovers, right?
01:47She had questions he couldn't answer.
01:49Okay, I get it.
01:51He hasn't been with a woman in years, but she slept with every man in accounts receivable.
01:56Okay, I said I'd get it.
01:58Oh, now she had a short fuse and then something went totally wrong.
02:03What are you doing?
02:05Get ready this summer for the ride of your life, Keanu Reeves.
02:08Listen, this date can't go below 55 or it's gonna blow!
02:12All right, can you get your shoes off my couch, please?
02:15She's a woman on the edge.
02:17Listen, get away from the table.
02:18Just get away!
02:19All right, get out of my apartment!
02:23Nowhere to run.
02:24Nowhere to hide.
02:25There's a bomb in here somewhere.
02:27Could be in here!
02:28Oh, my God!
02:29I'm gonna call the police!
02:30I am the police!
02:33You've gotta get ready.
02:35Music soundtrack by Aaron Neville.
02:38You better watch out, Jodie, they're gonna get you!
02:43And also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
02:46Listen, Jodie, put down the phone.
02:49They're trying to kill you!
02:50Okay, it's ringing!
02:51There they are!
02:53What are you doing?
02:54Don't!
02:55Get down!
02:56Oh, God!
02:57Listen, you stay away from Jodie!
03:00Oh, they...
03:01What are you...
03:07Oh, my God!
03:09Hell, David.
03:10Coming to your apartment sooner or later.
03:14Thank God, the police!
03:16Officers, he went right out the way!
03:18I'm back!
03:20Hey, listen, you better call 911.
03:23I'm wrong!
03:24Yay!
03:26Come on!
03:27Yay!
03:28Come on!
03:29Ay!
03:30You're so...
03:31crazy!
03:33Ay!
03:34You're so crazy!
03:36Ay!
03:38Ay!
03:40Ay!
03:41Ay!
03:42You're so...
03:43crazy!
03:45Ay!
03:46Ay!
03:47You're so...
03:48Ay!
03:50Ay...
03:51Hey, you're so crazy
04:06You brought me gone
04:10Hey, you're so crazy
04:21Ladies and gentlemen
04:27Please help me welcome
04:33From the Drew Carey show
04:35Mr. Ryan Stiles
04:36Ryan, I have to tell you
04:53I love your stuff on the Drew Carey show
04:55Oh, thanks
04:55But more than that
04:57I love the work you did on
04:58Whose Line Is It Anyway?
04:59Oh
04:59Have you ever seen that?
05:00Whose Line Is It Anyway?
05:01Oh, man
05:02I mean
05:03It's like you guys improvising an entire show
05:07I mean, no scripts
05:08You just
05:08Make it up?
05:11Right, right
05:11There you go
05:13You're doing it
05:13Oh, it's so good
05:15Thanks, you know, I like to think
05:16That we make it look easier than it is
05:18Oh, definitely, definitely
05:19I mean, in fact
05:20I'd love to try to do some of that improv with you
05:22Have you ever done it before?
05:24Well, I mean, you know
05:26Well, see, you've never done it before
05:27See, Phil, you know
05:28It's not like I phone up Tiger Woods
05:31And ask him to go golfing with me
05:32You know what I mean?
05:33Right, yeah
05:34I know, but I mean
05:35Come on
05:36It would be fun
05:36Just like a quick improv scene
05:38I don't know
05:38It's probably not a good idea
05:39Come on
05:39Wouldn't you guys love to see that?
05:41Let's do some improv
05:42Okay
05:46Alright, what you want
05:47Okay, we'll do a scene for you
05:49I guess we'll need some
05:50What should we take?
05:51Well, why don't we take a style
05:53A genre of scene to do this in
05:54Western
05:55Shakespeare
05:56Shakespeare?
05:58Okay
05:59Shakespeare, Phil
06:01Okay
06:02Want to back out?
06:04No
06:05Okay, alright
06:05And also a place
06:08A location that this can happen
06:10I heard somebody over here
06:13Say laundromat
06:14Laundromat
06:14Laundromat sounds funny
06:15Laundromat
06:16Yeah, laundromat
06:18Shakespeare
06:19Shakespeare
06:20And a laundromat
06:21Alright, okay
06:24Oh, this is gonna suck
06:25Alright, okay
06:26Out, out, damn spot
06:33My kingdom for a stain remover
06:37Oh, my friend
06:40Tis the afternoon
06:42Of my discontent
06:43As I stand before this machine
06:45As a bucketless man
06:46Stands before a milk and cow
06:48Thy coin-operated slut
06:50Doth mock me
06:51I bear nought
06:59But a single bill
07:01Beware the tides of March
07:07Is its worth not the equal
07:12Of four simple coins
07:14And yet
07:15Might I not be as well
07:16Clutching a rock
07:16Like a leaf
07:17An ear of corn
07:18To bleach
07:22Or not to bleach
07:23That is the question
07:25What good my soap
07:30If not to clean
07:31What good my softener
07:33If not to soften
07:34What cycle is this
07:36I see before me
07:37Oh, but I'm you
07:39Phil, Phil, Phil
07:40You're making a fool
07:44Out of yourself
07:44I am?
07:47Yeah, you know
07:47You should really leave
07:48The improv to the people
07:49Who know how to do it
07:50Oh, okay
07:51Sorry, I thought
07:52It was going good
07:53Hey, you gave it a shot
07:54Yeah, thanks for
07:54Thanks for letting me try
07:55No problem
07:55Sorry
07:56Way to go
07:56Live and learn
07:57Anyway, we've got a great show
08:06So stick around
08:07And we'll be right
08:08Turn that card
08:10Back
08:12Outstanding
08:21Outstanding
08:23Outstanding
08:26Hello everybody
08:39And welcome to
08:40A very special Oprah
08:41Tonight at our guest's request
08:44Our studio is empty
08:45And it's just me and him
08:47Now I'd like to bring on
08:49The superstar of superstars
08:50And my friend
08:51Mr. Michael Jackson
08:53How are you, darling?
09:03Oh, not so hard
09:05Oh, sorry
09:07So, Michael
09:08How have you been?
09:10That is a tough question, Oprah
09:11You ask all the tough questions
09:13Yes, I do
09:14And the next one
09:15Isn't any easier
09:16Michael, we've read
09:17The supermarket tabloids
09:18And we've heard all the gossip
09:20Now let's hear it from you
09:21How's the new baby?
09:23He is beautiful
09:24He is wonderful
09:26Children are what life is all about
09:28And Oprah, I have to tell you
09:31When I looked into my newborn baby's eyes
09:34It became very clear
09:36What Michael Jackson had to do
09:37Be the best father you can be?
09:42Destroy the earth as we know it
09:44Michael, what in heaven's day are you up to?
09:49Silence
09:50Silence
09:50You are no longer in control
09:52I am
09:53This is still my show
09:55Winfrey, you fool
09:59You're already dead
10:01You just don't know it yet
10:02People of earth
10:05Right now, I have missiles
10:08Aimed at every major city in the world
10:10Okay, that's not good
10:13In my magic laboratories
10:15I have created thousands of missiles
10:17With the ability to isolate
10:19And kill every human being
10:21Over the age of 12
10:22Only the children will survive
10:25Well, then you're already dead too
10:27No, I'm not
10:29I'm 12
10:29Oh, please, child
10:30You're almost four
10:30I am 12
10:32I will always be 12
10:34Michael, this is the single most insane thing you have ever done
10:38Insane?
10:42You mean like crazy?
10:44Like wacko jacko?
10:47Well, I'm holding the button
10:48So who's crazy now?
10:52Michael, listen to me
10:53One time, Stedman and I had a mechanic killed
10:58For selling us a used manifold pipe
11:00Now, at first we felt happy and vindicated
11:03But I thought about it
11:04And today, I just wish we hadn't done it
11:06Shut up!
11:08You always with your blah, blah, blah
11:10Well, the time for talk is past
11:14When I press these buttons
11:17The missiles will fly
11:18And nothing and no one can stop me
11:21Not even the lard of the dance?
11:30Oh, my God
11:31It's Riverdance's Michael Flatley
11:34What are you doing here, Flatley?
11:37Did dinner theater let out early?
11:38No, Michael
11:39Dinner has just begun
11:41Get him
11:43You're too late, Flatley
11:50Oh, yeah
11:50My bombs
11:57On your next
11:58Will, looks like somebody's ass is all tapped out
12:09Will, you may have won this time, Flatley
12:23But I'll be back
12:25I always come back
12:27Thank you
12:33Thank you, Lord of the Dance
12:35You have saved the Earth as we know it
12:36Yes
12:37Yes
12:37Because
12:39Whenever
12:41We'll be right back with Oprah's book club
12:48And that's why the French don't wash
13:04So anyway, I go into the deli
13:10I order a sandwich and a diet root beer
13:12Wait, you drink diet root beer?
13:15Well, yeah
13:16I mean, no
13:17Yes
13:17Do not tell me
13:18No, no
13:19I drink diet root beer, too
13:20Oh, man
13:22This is, like, too perfect
13:24I know
13:24First the Skittles thing
13:26Now this
13:26You know what
13:28This is almost freaky
13:30We have so much in common, huh?
13:31I know
13:31You know what's best, though?
13:33We are just perfect for each other, huh?
13:35I mean, we both drink diet root beer
13:37What's the odds on that, huh?
13:39I am so lucky
13:41No
13:42I'm the lucky one
13:43No
13:44I'm the lucky one
13:45No
13:45Am I going to have to spank you?
13:48Yes, please
13:48Oh, I feel like I finally found my soulmate
13:56Me, too
13:57I don't want to lose you, honey
13:59And I know
13:59I know this is kind of sudden
14:01But I want you to be my wife
14:04Will you marry me?
14:10Oh, yes, of course I will
14:13Yes, you will?
14:14Oh, oh
14:15Oh, you have made me so happy
14:17You are so beautiful
14:19Is she not beautiful?
14:20Is she not the most beautiful woman?
14:23And she's mine
14:24All mine
14:25Eyes off, Mr. Eyes off
14:26Now that we're going to be married
14:31I think that we shouldn't have any secrets from each other
14:34I mean, I feel that I can tell you anything
14:37And I'm not going to be judged
14:38So
14:38I think you should know, honey
14:40That before you
14:42There were other women
14:44That's okay
14:45You don't have to tell me
14:46I trust you
14:47Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush
14:50Now at this point
14:52I consider them all practice
14:54But
14:55I was with five other women before you
15:00Okay, well, thank you for telling me
15:03Well, I wanted to be honest with you
15:05Because I love you
15:06Oh, thank you
15:07And I know you want to be honest with me
15:09So tell me, my little muffin cake
15:13How many lovers have you had?
15:18Do you really want to know?
15:20Mm-hmm
15:20Okay, let's see
15:23Um, one
15:26Two
15:28Three
15:30Four, five
15:32Six, seven
15:35Eight, nine, ten
15:36Eleven
15:38Twelve, thirteen
15:41Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen
15:43Seventeen
15:44Seventeen
15:45Eighteen
15:45Nineteen
15:46Twenty
15:47Twenty
15:48Twenty-one hundred
15:49But that was just for the sex
15:55I love you
15:56Okay, well
15:58Hey, Mario
16:01Oops
16:02Twenty-one hundred and one
16:07You know what?
16:10I completely forgot about Europe
16:12Un, deux, trois
16:14Five
16:15This TV is great
16:23Now it doesn't pick up my TV
16:24But it does pick up soap operas
16:25Where you get bored from behind the stage
16:27There are a couple of good ones right now
16:28And Susan is about to have a baby
16:30But it's not bread, it's cliffs
16:31May!
16:37Two
16:38Three
16:39Two
16:40Three
16:41Two
16:42Three
16:43Two
16:44Two
16:45Three
16:46Two
16:47Two
16:48Fellow guards
16:49I have called you here to aid me in dealing once and for all with a blight upon the earth
16:53And we all know of whom I speak
16:55Oh, come now, Hera, he does not offend
16:57A bolt of lightning from Mount Olympus is all he deserves
17:00Hold my gentle wife, Hera
17:02All of you look deeply into the pool of that which is
17:05Let us gaze down for a moment upon he of whom we speak
17:08He who goes by the name of
17:10Sinbad
17:12Hey, man!
17:13What's up with that?
17:19I just got back from Cyprus, man
17:20It's good to be fighting somebody with some teeth, you know what I'm saying?
17:23And their breath
17:24Breath just be humming
17:25Cyprus brothers' breath come out just like
17:27Hum
17:28Hum
17:29Would you shut up and fight?
17:31I'm talking like old stink Medusa type breath, man
17:34How are you supposed to fight breath?
17:36I don't know
17:37I'll be like ducking, right?
17:39I'll be weaving
17:40I'll be dancing around that breath
17:41That breath would be like doing a bump, man
17:43That breath would be like
17:44Hum
17:45Hum
17:46Hum
17:47Come on
17:48Oh, come on, he's not even telling jokes
17:49They're merely observations
17:50But it's funny because it's true
17:52I knew a demigod who had stank breath
17:54I don't care
17:55There are no punch lines
17:56It's just going on and on and on
17:57He sells it though and he's got so much energy
17:59I'll give him energy
18:01One bolt of lightning right between the eyes
18:03This is what we shall do
18:05I shall set a task for him
18:07If he completes the task then we let him live
18:09Oh, alright
18:11One task
18:12But if he fails, he's toast
18:15Agreed?
18:16Agreed
18:17Your girl is fine, man
18:19You know what I'm saying?
18:20She's looking good when she's sitting down
18:21But once she's staying up, man
18:22She's got hooves, brother
18:23A tail, man
18:24That girl's half horse, man
18:27Would blind send man to look upon the true form of a god
18:30I shall need a disguise
18:38That's cold, brother
18:39That's icy, man
18:40Would you please stop talking?
18:42And fight?
18:43Oh, okay, cool, man
18:45But come on
18:46Half horse?
18:47Half horse?
18:48Half horse?
18:57What's up with that?
18:58Sinbad
19:01Talk and go
19:02For a second there, I thought she was my Aunt Anisha
19:05But just like you
19:06Got a big old beard, mustache
19:08Always trying to kiss somebody, too
19:09You know, just like
19:10Baby, give me some sugar
19:11Come on now
19:12Give me some sugar
19:13Oh, you're killing me
19:15But seriously, Sinbad
19:16A deadly cyclops threatens our village
19:18Hey, man
19:19Cyclops are my specialty
19:20You know, before you can say Archimedes
19:22I'm gonna be kicking back with some cyclops kebabs, man
19:24Cyclops kebabs?
19:26Genius!
19:27All right, cool
19:28Catch you later
19:29Go
19:30Sinbad is here
19:32Come
19:33Come, everyone
19:34Sinbad is here
19:35I'm going
19:36Welcome to our village, Sinbad
19:41Thank you for coming
19:42Hey, it's good to be here
19:43So where's old One-Eyed?
19:45Probably all somewhere combing his unibrow, right?
19:47Hey, man
19:48I got to look good for the harpies, man
19:50Well, if you're referring to the Cyclops, he's right over there
19:55No, no, no, no
19:56Who's looking all sad in the middle of a Cyclops attack?
20:10That's Brittany
20:12Yesterday her best friend moved to another village
20:15And since then she hasn't spoken or smiled
20:18Hey, hey
20:20Brittany
20:21Oh, yeah
20:22Man, I remember when I was a kid
20:23That's when you had all the good toys
20:24Yo, yo
20:25Take one of them big old metal cars
20:26And hit your little brother upside the head with you
20:28Boom
20:29And now you got what?
20:30Barney?
20:31Man, how you supposed to hit somebody upside the head with Barney?
20:32Sinbad
20:33I don't mean to trouble you with the Cyclops
20:35Hold up, hold up, girl
20:36I remember one time I had this teacher
20:38Fattest teacher in the world
20:39She was so fat when she went back, which
20:41She made that sound like a truck backing up
20:42That's
20:46Yo, that sound
20:48All right, Brittany, listen
20:49When I was about your age
20:51I had me a best friend
20:52Man, we were like brothers
20:53Then one day
20:54I went over to his hut
20:55Find out him and his whole family
20:57Had been eaten by a frost giant
20:59And that really made me sad
21:03And there is not a day that goes by
21:05That I don't wish
21:06That my friend had just moved to another village
21:08Instead of being ate up by a frost giant
21:11Oh, Sinbad
21:13When Cyclops little, Cyclops best friend also move away
21:21We go on rampage
21:23Transfer feelings of loss and fear
21:27Into homicidal urges
21:30Well now let's take a look at what we got here
21:33We got a little girl who needs a new best friend
21:35And we got a big old monster that needs somebody to keep him from killing people
21:38Oh, Brittany
21:41Would he be my friend?
21:43Mm-hmm
21:48Well, looks like we all see an eye to eye here
21:51Hey, what's up with that?
21:52Sinbad, how can we ever repay you?
21:55Hey, just be cool
21:56Learn something from what happened here today
21:57And I won't have to come back
21:59Peace, y'all
22:00I'm out
22:01Well, Sinbad has triumphed using only his courage and his unique brand of family-oriented humor
22:10Hmm, but still not funny
22:12Agreed
22:16What'd you do that for?
22:18It is as we agreed
22:19We didn't agree to that
22:20I distinctly remember agreeing to the lightning bolt thing if he passed the test
22:23That's how I remember it
22:24We didn't
22:25You're one to complain
22:26The guard who disguises himself as a goat
22:28Oh, you make us all look bad
22:30Yeah
22:31Oh, and what could be better than a goat?
22:32How about a lion?
22:33Okay, fine
22:34I suppose maybe a lion would be better
22:35A dragon?
22:36Okay
22:37Very powerful, very regal
22:38A horse
22:39Okay, okay, I get it
22:40You don't have to hammer the points
22:41Sea serpent?
22:47Coming up on Mad TV
22:49I got an idea how to keep your baby quiet
22:51What are you doing?
22:53What's wrong with you?
22:55Are you tired of being a slave?
22:58Ha Ha!
22:59Ha ha, ha!
23:00Ha ha!
23:01Oh, of course you are!
23:02That's a stupid question
23:03Ha, tee!
23:04You exult me as family
23:05ME ì•…!
23:06Ladies and gentlemen, welcome primetime's classiest actor, Mr. Ryan Stiles.
23:36L.A. is a rough town, it's tough to meet a chick, gotta drive a Porsche and dress up really chic, but hey man, let me hip you to what every woman knows.
24:01The ladies go for dudes with great big toes, huge toes, I got ten huge toes, let me count them again, big toes, they extend from your feet, and all day is, is bones and meat.
24:23To the Chinese and the Japanese it comes as nothing new, they know that where it's at is hidden in your shoe, don't worry about diseases, won't need to see the dock.
24:44Hey babe, I play it safe, I wear an argyle sock, a huge toes, I'm not rough like other males, huge toes, I always clip my nails, big toes, baby treat them right, and we can pussyfoot all through the night.
25:06Oh, this little piggy went to market, oh, this little piggy went all the way home, oh, this little piggy was time sharing Hawaii is what happened to that piggy.
25:18Oh yeah, good pose baby, oh yeah, no stay away from him, don't get near him.
25:41Do you ever wake up in the morning and feel like your life's not going anywhere?
25:46Like you're stuck in a rut and the world is passing you by?
25:50Well, if you said yes, then you're probably a slave.
25:55And let me ask you this, are you tired of being a slave?
26:01Oh, of course you are, that's a stupid question.
26:05Hi, I'm Toby Robbins and like you, I used to wear these.
26:12And I can see what you're thinking.
26:15You're thinking, run Toby, run before Massa sees you've got those chains off.
26:21Well, you know what?
26:23I stopped running.
26:26And you can too with the all new Toby Robbins personal empowerment plan.
26:31Being a big strapping Mandingo type buck is fun.
26:35You just have to shake the slave mentality and the menial labor.
26:40I used to think of nothing but escaping until one day I saw something that changed my life forever.
26:47I witnessed Massa trying to force a mule to plow.
26:51That mule kicked Massa in the crack of his white ass.
26:55And you know what?
26:57Massa never bothered that mule again.
27:00Why?
27:01Why?
27:02Because Massa didn't want to get his ass kicked again.
27:06That man's not stupid and you see the mule was empowered.
27:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:11Go on and get me some iced tea, boy.
27:13I got a better idea, Massa.
27:16Why don't you get me some iced tea?
27:19Oh, right away, boy.
27:22I've created this 10-step kick-ass program.
27:27Just take your right foot and kick Massa directly in the ass 10 times.
27:32And if Massa does not get the point, well then you can try my 20-step program.
27:39Hey, let's hear why my personal empowerment plan has changed the life of others.
27:45Toby Robbins helped to done change my life with his personal empowerment plan.
27:51It only took me 48 white asses to get to my Underground Railroad above ground.
27:57Now I've gots me a 30-car luxury train that travel from Birmingham to Boston two-time daily.
28:05And each sleeper car come complete with a Kunta Kinte quilt and a white ass-shaped pillow
28:11that practices your pooping on.
28:14Thanks, Toby Robbins.
28:18Oh, you're welcome.
28:21Pick that cotton, boy.
28:23I don't think so.
28:24Sleep in the barn, boy.
28:26Well, not today, my friend.
28:29Lift that bail.
28:30Well, you can just forget about it, Massa.
28:33With the Toby Robbins Personal Empowerment Plan,
28:36you can remain a slave without all the muss and fuss.
28:40Feats don't fail me now.
28:43Tell them how to order, Massa.
28:46Right away, boy.
28:47Send for the Toby Robbins Personal Empowerment Plan today.
28:50Sea Island Plantation, Hilton Head, South Carolina.
28:52Massa card not accepted.
28:54Please allow for it six years for a delivery.
28:57Order yours today.
28:59It's part of the beauty that goes into mad TV.
29:00It involves dying.
29:01It involves curling.
29:02It involves rest.
29:03It's part of the beauty that goes into mad TV.
29:04It involves curling.
29:05It's part of the beauty that goes into MADtv, it involves dying, it involves curling, it
29:15involves rest, which is more really, more important than funny sometimes.
29:19You are now watching MADtv!
29:26MAD!
29:33And Anja, party food is big, success people are dying for your lachmach.
29:38The lachmach they have!
29:40Oh, watch carefully, but tell no one our secret.
29:43No.
29:44Wonder Bread, Rollin' Ball, for puh!
29:47Little speaker!
29:48That's not all.
29:49Zinegar, salt, and then lachmach they will have, my friend!
29:55Oh, Aunt Anja, you are a genius!
29:58Oh, now take out two party guests before they get hard!
30:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:02Move, lady, move!
30:03Anya, just the person I wanted to see.
30:06Ah!
30:07Party food is good, yes.
30:08Uh, absolutely, only, um, just one small detail.
30:11Now, I know you come highly recommended.
30:13Anya is best.
30:15That's what everyone says, only people seem to be getting sick, and there is a theory floating around, and it's still just a theory, but do you think it could be the food?
30:24Tee!
30:25You insult me and family!
30:26No, uh, it's just that Doris had one of those chocolate things.
30:30Tee!
30:31Tee!
30:32Tee!
30:33Tee!
30:34Tee!
30:35Tee!
30:36Uh, of course you do.
30:38Cretzica is milk chocolate with bacon fat cintra, liberally sorted!
30:43Now get out of my kitchen!
30:45This is my kitchen?
30:47Ah, ah, ah, ah!
30:48Wherever I cook is my kitchen.
30:50Wherever I pee is my kitchen.
30:52Now get out of kitchen!
30:54Oh, yuck!
30:55More Chunky Bunch!
30:58That's another thing I want to talk to you about, the Chunky Poth.
31:01Watch un realised!
31:03Chandler!
31:04Idiot!
31:05Any water, heavens, no.
31:08It must come from Mexico.
31:10Apple juice?
31:12Olive spams?
31:14Chunky punchy's wanted M!
31:17You get the water from Mexico?
31:21Shhh!
31:22Friends, sneak it in for me.
31:24Only from Mexico's finest taps.
31:27But Mexico...
31:30Nothing but the best for Mrs. Idiot.
31:33Idiot friends!
31:34Idiot!
31:35One of your guests has died.
31:40Oh, my God!
31:41No more food!
31:42Stop making food!
31:43It's not my food!
31:45It's a great way.
31:46Whenever it's time to go, it's time to go.
31:48That is the plan.
31:49Take this to your guests.
31:50Go, lady!
31:51Go, lady!
31:54Ah, the great plan.
31:55When the skies turn black
31:57and giant screaming frogs fall from the heavens
32:01and we dance the dance of the wingless raven.
32:04Yeah.
32:05That was fun.
32:06Are you the caterer?
32:08Are you idiot?
32:09Idiot!
32:10Listen.
32:11People are dropping like flies out there.
32:13Make point.
32:14All right.
32:15My point is, I'm currently on trial for embezzlement.
32:20And tomorrow morning, two very special witnesses will be testifying against me.
32:28I'd like it very much if you could send them a special breakfast platter.
32:33Why?
32:38Special breakfast.
32:39Very special.
32:41Very special.
32:42Very special.
32:43Very...
32:44Very.
32:45Very special.
32:46Very.
32:47Very.
32:48Whatever.
32:49Oh, and, uh...
32:51Send over some of that chunky punch while you're at it.
32:53Yeah.
32:54Yeah.
32:55Special breakfast?
32:56Ham that leaks.
32:57Eggs that sat in sun for weeks.
32:59Oh!
33:00milk that gloves cook it all in the rusty pot
33:23hey what's up buddy how you doing man all right yeah 12 hours on a bus i am
33:29b not bad man come on in come on in thanks wow so this is your new apartment this is it my friend
33:36nice place thanks man how's life in the big city ah you know the same loud you know it's like you've
33:42got so much noise sometimes you just want the whole city just shut up you know yeah i mean you've
33:47got the car horns obnoxious neighbors yapping dogs sirens uh it is so nice to get away from all that
33:53this is exactly what i needed you know all right just to hang out relax and take it easy you got
33:59it my friend listen i gotta go downstairs i gotta get my laundry i'll be right back two seconds okay
34:03make yourself at home whatever you need all right all right hey turn that music down i'm trying to
34:18live my life over here hey shut that music down before i come over there and tear your heart out
34:25shut that dog up if i have to come down there i swear i will kill that little thing tear
34:43it's heart out and shove it down your throat i will kill it and eat it
34:51that's it
34:56eat back you yapping bastard
34:59you killed my dog yeah and i'll kill you too if you don't shut your face you know there are other
35:05people in the world pal have a little respect you're a dead man come on up here i'm in 306
35:14loudmouth bastard come on up here i'll tear your heart out for you 306 i'll buzz you in
35:26who the hell is that
35:27would you mind keeping it down a little bit i just got my baby to sleep and he's not feeling well so
35:35i got an idea how to keep your baby quiet
35:37what are you doing what is wrong with you
35:45unbelievable
35:47what yo man let me in come on up dirtbag
35:58so what do you want to do tonight my friend no offense but this place is like a war zone man i just
36:03can't take it you know i'm gonna go find a nice hotel on the edge of town someplace quiet what are you
36:09talking about look it has nothing to do with you i just need to chill out all right whatever but listen
36:14give me a call tonight we'll go someplace all right yeah someplace quiet
36:23whatever open up dead man
36:44okay
36:53uh...
36:57uh...
36:59uh...
37:01uh...
37:03uh...
37:05uh...
37:07hey kids thanks for coming down on such short notice i've got a very important presentation to give
37:14you and if you're wondering why your dad just left crying well it's because i gave him the same
37:19presentation earlier in the evening
37:22okay let's get started
37:24okay as you can see i have two charts behind me now this chart i made when i was 16 years old
37:31while this chart i drew up last night now this chart represents the path that my life was supposed
37:38to have taken and we're going to refer to this chart from now on as my wonderful life
37:44well this chart shows the path that my life has actually taken and we're going to refer to this
37:49as my walking nightmare any questions
37:52excellent okay let's compare charts okay now as you can see from my walking nightmare i wasn't supposed
38:03to marry your daddy at all big mistake huh i was supposed to have married tv's bionic man lee majors
38:15and in 1985 i was supposed to have won an oscar for my performance in the sequel to gandhi but
38:22instead i spent most of 1985 in the betty ford clinic dealing with the little glue snipping
38:28problem that i had kids do you see how naughty this is okay let's move on april 16 1991 i was supposed
38:41to have been reading excerpts from my pulitzer prize winning novel the gag reflex to the un general assembly
38:48not having my ovaries removed boo nothing on this chart is right okay last thursday night i was
39:00supposed to have become the first woman president of these united states but instead i spent most of
39:08last thursday kneeling in a puddle of my own vomit at the motel six on fairfax while a young man who i
39:13paid to have sex with me steals my credit cards kids what's wrong with this picture
39:22that's right everything this isn't my life this this is my life and it's not too late to start living it
39:34kids i am wearing my old prom dress because somehow your mommy found the courage to go back and do it
39:42all over again isn't that great dreams can come true you just have to make them happen
39:52that is my lesson to my children my last lesson as it turns out because in my wonderful life you guys
40:01never happened on that note uh here are the keys to the car and the house here's some money and credit
40:10cards you guys are gonna have to forge my signature i won't be needing much because i'm moving back in
40:14with my parents and returning to high school i wish you kids all the best and remember this doesn't mean
40:23your mommy doesn't love you it just means you're not real to her grow up strong and make somebody proud of
40:36you bye bye don't worry grandma always sends her home
40:58crazy mad yes you've got that down crazy mad tv come on yeah come on okay thank you for calling
41:25man
41:48hey uh thanks a lot i had a great time uh the cast
41:52is wonderful thanks for watching at home thanks for being here keep watching bad tv
42:06i'm a camera here okay it's a club store with a moose okay hey do you have any
42:34questions
42:45but i'll be back i always come back
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