- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 3
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching Mad TV.
00:05May!
00:07She's won over the hearts of millions with her all-American point of view.
00:11Well, hello there, America.
00:13It's good to see so many young, good-looking, healthy white folk out there.
00:18Let's get singing!
00:20Today, she's the legendary songbird with two right wings who's charmed the nation.
00:24I don't break for hippies, that's the sticker on my car.
00:28Every time I hit one, I give myself a start.
00:33Liberty Records is proud to present the greatest hits of God-fearing song stylist Darlene McBride,
00:38a moving collection of songs that reflect her most cherished beliefs.
00:42Hey there, Miss Baby Killer, are you having yourself a good day?
00:46Hey there, Miss Baby Killer, who'd you kill today?
00:50Her songs have made her a national treasure.
00:52I'll be working on Martin Luther King Day.
00:55I'll hop a plane to Phoenix, no fed, better get in my way.
00:59Because I'll be working on Martin Luther King Day.
01:06Yeah, that's my dream.
01:08You'll hear all your favorites.
01:10Why can't you speak English, stupid?
01:12Come back, sweet Jesus, and bring your gun.
01:15Why is everyone on TV a Jew?
01:17Let's fight the Civil War now and see who wins.
01:20Back off, woman's liver, I'm straight.
01:22And who can forget the song that made her a legend?
01:26God is watching you.
01:29God is watching you.
01:32And he's waiting to get even.
01:37He's got a bullet for Billy, a tumor for Bob, an axe in the head for Marie.
01:46He's got cancer for Alice, gonorrhea for Sue.
01:50I wonder what he's got for you.
01:53She's been called America's greatest patriot.
01:56Well, Miss Jane Fonda is working out, getting everybody thin.
02:00But I remember her bending over for Mr. Ho Chi Minh.
02:05And oh, Jane, and oh, Jane.
02:10You'll always be a commie in my brain.
02:13Her love songs touch the hearts of millions.
02:16This one's for Mama.
02:17I like my men straight like my whiskey.
02:20No fruity drinks with parasols for me.
02:24You'd better be a normal kind of guy.
02:29If you want to get inside of me.
02:31Everybody!
02:33I like my men straight like my whiskey.
02:35All these for just $19.99.
02:38So what are you waiting for?
02:39Order now.
02:40Isn't it time you introduce your children to the woman Pat Buchanan calls
02:43God's answer to Barbara Streisand, Darlene McBride.
02:46That's right!
02:47Remember, folks, love comes in many colors, but it looks best in what?
02:51Good night!
02:54You're so crazy!
03:11Tonight on MADtv, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, and special guests Corky and the Juice Pigs.
03:33You are now watching MADtv.
03:35MADtv.
03:49Yeah!
03:49Yeah!
03:49Yeah!
03:51Yeah!
03:55Yo!
03:56Yo, before I even get started, I want to tell all the black brothers and sisters in the house,
04:00Let me hear you make some noise.
04:01My black brothers and sisters, where you at?
04:06All right, cool.
04:07I got a ride home.
04:08Cool, cool.
04:10Nah, but seriously, I just want to welcome you guys
04:12and you the people at home to MADtv.
04:14We got a great show, so stick around.
04:18We'll be back next week.
04:27Yeah, I'm gonna let the people know what they watch.
04:28You are now watching MADtv.
04:31Oh, you're such a baby.
04:32I'll do my thing on camera.
04:36You are now watching MADtv.
04:40MAD!
04:43Coming soon from Fox, the story of a girl with a problem.
04:48Happy birthday, honey.
04:50But Daddy's not here.
04:53Daddy has some important things to do.
04:56No, it's just he said he'd be here.
04:57I can't believe you lied to me.
05:00Sweetie, your Daddy wants to be here
05:02more than anything in the world,
05:04but he has big responsibilities.
05:08So, why don't you blow out the candles and make a wish?
05:12Okay.
05:13I wish my Daddy would never tell another lie.
05:25So, where is it?
05:28Paula Jones was better.
05:33Bill Clinton stars in Liar Liar 2.
05:37Good evening, my fellow Americans.
05:39I want to thank you all for coming here tonight.
05:41I see you've all received your press handouts, so, uh, goodbye.
05:45Mr. President!
05:46Mr. President!
05:47Mr. President!
05:47Mr. President!
05:48Mr. President!
05:48Connie Chug!
05:49Connie Chug!
05:50Mr. President, when are you going to come clean about the Paula Jones scandal?
05:53Connie, when are you going to have a baby?
05:55Oh!
05:55Either you are more baron than my foreign policy,
05:57or Maury Povich's misfire more times than the FBI at Ruby Ridge.
06:00Uh, uh, next question.
06:04You there with the nice jugs.
06:05J-judge, justice, jugs, jugs, jugs, jugs out there coming.
06:09Mr. President!
06:10Do you still proclaim your innocence in the White Water scandal?
06:12Well, I will tell you very honestly, I am not...
06:15I am not...
06:18I am guilty!
06:21I am guilty!
06:22Mr. President!
06:23Pete Spivak!
06:24Generic Times!
06:25Are you all right?
06:26I can't lie!
06:29I inhaled!
06:31I huff spray paint!
06:32Fleetwood Mac and I grow pot of Camp David!
06:34I've been a Republican for 17 years!
06:36I offer a group discount for the Lincoln Bedroom!
06:38I rigged the election!
06:39Bob Dole whipped my ass!
06:41I don't wear boxes or briefs!
06:42I lounge around the Oval Office in a halter top and cross his panties!
06:46I cut the capital gains tax to impress Jodie Foster!
06:49Mr. President!
06:50As a newspaper man, I find your candor to be quite refreshing!
06:53Oh, yeah?
06:54Well, I find you to be a big fat-headed idiot!
06:56Mr. President!
06:57Mr. President!
06:58What about the newest revelations in the Foreign Donation Scandal?
07:01Well, China owns us!
07:02They've financed every Democratic campaign since Woodrow Wilson!
07:05Eleanor used to pull FDR around the White House in a rickshop!
07:08Me so horny!
07:09President love you long time!
07:10Thank you, Ted!
07:11Thank you, Ted!
07:12Thank you, Ted!
07:13Thank you, Ted!
07:14Thank you, all you blood-sucking media vultures!
07:15You cover my ass and I'll cover yours!
07:17Yay!
07:21Well, look who's here!
07:23Mwah!
07:24Mwah!
07:25Mwah!
07:26Sweetheart, I love you more than anything else in the world!
07:28From now on, I'll only tell the truth!
07:30Oh, Daddy!
07:31Happy birthday, ugly!
07:32Be careful what you wish for, honey!
07:37Actually, we here at MADtv think Chelsea Clinton's a lovely young woman!
07:42We were just going for a cheap laugh, and judging from your response, it worked!
07:45It worked!
07:46Thank you!
07:50You know, I'd like to take it down a little bit now, and take you down to street level,
07:54and talk to the kids with a tribute to the band of our generation, the band of the 90s,
07:59the band of the people.
08:01Here's Corky and the Juice Pigs with their tribute to R.E.M.
08:04Thank you!
08:25Hey!
08:28Hey!
08:29Hey!
08:30Hi!
08:31Hi!
08:32Hi!
08:33Hi!
08:34Hi.
08:35Hi!
08:36Hi!
08:38Hi!
08:39To Be algum Outlander, nice, hi!
08:41Hello!
08:42Hey!
08:43Hi!
08:44I'm standing on the...
08:45Aha!
08:46Hi!
08:47Here!
08:48Hi!
08:49Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
08:50Hi!
08:51How are you ?
08:52Hi!
08:54Hi!
08:55Hi!
08:57Hi!
08:58Hi!
08:59Remember how we dream. Remember how we dream. Remember how we dream. Remember how we dream. The vegetables were in need. The people that made me to know. There I was just a minute ago, but I'm not there now. I'm here now, and a different here and a different now, but different only in a temporal way.
09:26Sometimes when I'm sad, I wander the streets covered with mice licking a tiny piece of wood that I found in the gutter, and I say, hey, this wood is good wood, good wood to live. Okay.
09:44Remember how we dream. Remember how we dream. Remember how we dream. The vegetables were in need. The people that made me to know there.
09:59In my mind, I see a pony, a little pony with little legs and a tiny minuscule mustache coming towards me, barking like a dog, and I say, hey, pony, that's the wrong noise you're making.
10:15Wrong noise. Why?
10:20Sometimes when I'm sad, I realize all my heroes are gay or cowboys.
10:27Sometimes I'm sad, and I'm lying in my bed, and I look over out of the window, and I see the sad faces, the miserable faces of the lonely people walking by.
10:45Thousands, millions, lonely people.
10:49And I realize I should move.
10:52Remember how we dream.
10:55Remember how we dream.
10:59Remember how we dream.
10:59Success we both were seeing.
11:03The people that we seem to know.
11:07Yeah.
11:09Boop!
11:12Don't forget.
11:14The pony with the bark of a dog.
11:17The tiny piece of wood that I've licked.
11:20And one day, maybe all of us,
11:24Visit Paris and not speak French.
11:28Maybe.
11:29Maybe.
11:30Maybe.
11:31Maybe.
11:32Hey.
11:33Maybe.
11:34Maybe.
11:35Maybe.
11:41Hey.
11:43You are now watching MAD TV
12:04MAD!
12:08Listen, man, you don't want to do this.
12:09Guy, you have to remember all the things you have to live for.
12:12I got nothing to live for. My life is over.
12:15What's the situation?
12:16He seems to be in a highly depressed state.
12:18The only way this guy's coming off that ledge is head first.
12:20Hey, that is enough of that type of talk, patrolman.
12:23Nobody commits suicide, not on my watch.
12:25Now, look, we've got a special negotiator on his way up,
12:27and they say this guy's the best.
12:29And if he can't get him off the ledge, then nobody can.
12:32Hey, yeah, you bet. Miller here.
12:35Dennis Miller, police negotiator.
12:37Woo!
12:39Woo!
12:40You at the local constabulary,
12:43they've asked me to do a Tom Shales on this little Carl Linden number you've got happening here.
12:47Hey, stay back!
12:48I'm not joking around, I'm jumping!
12:51Pow, if you want to pull a Johnny Weissmuller into middle space,
12:54I can't stop you.
12:56However, you might want to keep in mind,
12:57once you add Jemima on the pavement,
12:59even Anton von Leeuwenhoek won't be able to collect enough of your component atoms for entombment.
13:03What the hell are you talking about?
13:07I don't want to get off on a rant here,
13:10but these days, the suicide rate in this country's climbing uphill faster than Sir Edmund Hillary on peyote buttons.
13:16It seems the need to check out of Motel Terra
13:18has become as trendy as the need for paparazzi to snap pictures of your pulverized corpse
13:23after you eight-ball onto the asphalt.
13:26Hey, Miller, you finished?
13:28Hey, hey, hey.
13:29Whoa!
13:29You want to cool your jacks there, Weezy?
13:31I got enough on my plate trying to keep Luganis here from contracting a fatal case of deceleration trauma.
13:37Last thing I need is a play-by-play by Cleopatra Jones.
13:42Yeah, well, I ain't got time for this.
13:44You think you got it tough, Chachi?
13:49I'm trying to stuff my self-esteem into a cerebral safety deposit box
13:52so I can go out and hawk M&M's Pepsi and Victoria's Secret panties.
13:56Plus, I got to talk you down off the top of some edifice
13:58obviously designed by a graduate of the Tex Avery School of Architecture
14:01while being second-guessed by Nancy Drew and John Shaft.
14:05Still, you don't see me punching the ecclesiastical time clock.
14:08Let me just say to the rest of you out there,
14:12assembled like a bunch of clockwork orange droogs,
14:16take a fiver, pull your s*** together.
14:20Life can be one tough game of rollerball, Cubby,
14:23and every Boy Scout isn't going to make it to the final jamboree.
14:26So you got to hang on, Sloopy.
14:28You got to grab your bootstraps.
14:30You got to yank yourself up.
14:32And if you can't manage that, Ferigno, like clean and jerk,
14:34then frankly, you have to kill yourself.
14:36No!
14:38Of course, that's just my opinion.
14:51I could be wrong.
14:54This has been tennis medal, Elise Nagoshi.
15:01Mad TV presents The Clubs.
15:03Tonight's topic, Eddie.
15:06Hey, honey.
15:07Did you hear about that whole transvestical thing?
15:09What transvestical thing, Cleo?
15:11I heard it on the news a while back.
15:12Talking about Eddie Murphy down on Santa Monica Boulevard
15:15messing with all them transvestites.
15:16That boy crazy.
15:17I'm going to start calling them trick-a-digger.
15:20You know, those transvestites are just confused people.
15:22I just want to give them a big old hug.
15:24Just hug them all.
15:25Now, I'm going to tell you something about them people.
15:28They may be all confused upstairs,
15:31but down, down, they got way more going on than the average gentleman.
15:36Oh, woman, ain't nobody asking your narrow-ass opinion.
15:40You know who make me more?
15:41Them transsexuals.
15:44They got what you call the one-stop shopping down there.
15:47Oh, now you done put a picture in my head.
15:50How am I supposed to eat with this picture in my head?
15:52Now, Cletus, I done told you to stop messing with me.
15:55You say that again, I'm going to come down there
15:56and give your ass a sex change free of charge,
15:59you fattened up little bastard.
16:00Oh, to hell with you, woman.
16:02I'm talking about Eddie's nasty ass.
16:04We got all our kids seeing these movies,
16:05and they ain't down there messing with them tricky dickies.
16:08Oh, tricky dickies, tricky dickies.
16:11Exactly.
16:12All I'm saying is the boys are freaks.
16:14I say if you want to be a freak,
16:15go on and say you're a freak.
16:16Don't be talking about you a freak and you're not a freak.
16:18The man that's married and got children
16:20and everything like that.
16:20I tell you what you really need to do,
16:22need to get a clean, healthy colon.
16:25I can't believe we're having an intellectual conversation
16:29about Eddie Murphy and you go starved with the wind.
16:31I'm not cleaning your pants if you have an accident.
16:33Hey, Eddie, name the tune.
16:35Well, you do that again, you'll be blowing out a new hole when I get through it, too.
16:41Yeah, you take one more step near me, and I'm going to bite your ear off, just like Mike Tyson, that pit bull bastard.
16:47You know, Cleo, you shouldn't be like that. You're just so prejudiced. You hate everybody.
16:50Mike Tyson's lovable. He just needs a big old hug.
16:53Oh, Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson looks like the back of somebody's ass.
16:57Don't you understand? Mike Tyson's just confused.
16:59He got all them people around him that don't care about him, especially that Donald King.
17:03I'm going to tell you something. Mike Tyson is sexy as hell.
17:07He got all them curvations and muscles rippling.
17:11He can take a nibble out of me anytime.
17:14Matter of fact, he can come down here anytime he wants.
17:19That bitch crazier than a dog in a hubcap back there.
17:21You can't talk about my mama like that.
17:23I remember back in 1978, I met Muhammad Ali.
17:29He took me back in this dressing room.
17:33Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee.
17:36I bet nobody, you know what he gave to me.
17:42Sting like a bee. Sting like a bee. Sting like a bee.
17:44Oh, damn, woman.
17:45I just got them transsexuals out of my head,
17:47and now you go filling it up with Muhammad Ali.
17:50And you're all missing my whole point.
17:51All I'm saying is Mike Tyson is exactly like a pit bull.
17:55He bite people, he ugly, and he hit women.
17:58Pit bull bastard.
17:59I remember I had a little pit bull dog.
18:04You know, it was all we didn't hump my leg trying to get something.
18:07It had a look on his face like it was just saying,
18:09come on, I know you want it, come on.
18:12And I ain't even gonna lie to you.
18:14There were one or two nights where I thought about doing it.
18:16Well, Mama, who didn't even hear no doggy stories at the table?
18:19Excuse me, I...
18:20You shut up.
18:21I swear that woman got more wind than her in my colon
18:24after one of them three bean burritos.
18:25Gee, we haven't even had dessert yet.
18:28Well, put some whipped cream on this.
18:32Ow!
18:33Hey, keep it down, crump.
18:35Or whatever the damn is,
18:36you call yourself the artist formerly known.
18:38Hell, I'm gonna just call you Confused.
18:39Look, everybody, it's Confused.
18:41Confused, you got something to say?
18:42Well, I just wanted to know
18:43if I could get some more of this delicious chicken.
18:46Oh, you know, Fizzy,
18:47everybody's about to see Michael Jackson is betting on you,
18:49but I'm gonna tell you something.
18:50I love you,
18:50because I think you're a person just all your own.
18:53You know, watching me eat that chicken,
18:55it's sexy to hell.
18:56Kind of remind me of one of them sexy movies I used to make.
19:00Matter of fact,
19:01I'm gonna make me a sexy movie right now.
19:04But you're like some more food, baby.
19:05Uh-uh, don't be getting confused, no food.
19:07You don't know where them fingers been.
19:11That was one of them silent but deadly ones.
19:13You smell it?
19:15You know what?
19:17You people are nasty,
19:18and I don't mean in the good way.
19:20I just lost my appetite.
19:29Oh, hell, like I needed to see that.
19:30He had on a pair of sexy pants.
19:33I used to own a pair of sexy pants like that
19:35would drive everybody crazy,
19:38especially down at the bingo hall.
19:39The men love it.
19:42Bingo!
19:42Damn, damn, damn, woman!
19:45I ain't never gonna be able to eat again
19:46with that picture in my head.
19:47Ladies, I can't believe how disrespectful you was.
19:50You made our guests leave.
19:51We done lost pence.
19:53Oh, purple rain, purple rain,
19:55purple rain, purple rain, purple rain,
19:56purple rain, purple rain.
19:57Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
20:01Coming up.
20:01Coming up next on Mad TV.
20:04Bad guys, bad guys.
20:06It's Barley.
20:07Bad!
20:08He's in court!
20:09Hey, hey, crap, put the donuts down!
20:14Such a tongue lashing.
20:16Burn victim girl.
20:20Hey!
20:22You are now watching Mad TV.
20:33I want a rock and roll.
20:35I want the pop!
20:36Ha-ha!
20:38Ooh! Ha-ha!
20:40And you did.
20:41All right.
20:42My next guest is someone who I am such a fan of.
20:45Huh? I love her. Just love her.
20:47And, you know, it's funny.
20:48The other night, Rita and Cheryl and I, we went bowling.
20:51Did I tell you this, Johnny?
20:52No, no. No?
20:53Uh-uh.
20:54Well, after, we go back to the house, you know,
20:58and we get in the sauna, and we strip down to nothing.
21:00Ha-ha-ha!
21:02So, anyway, for some reason, my next guest's name comes up.
21:05You know, Rita asks me,
21:07she says, is it true that you two are feuding?
21:08I said, what are you talking about?
21:09Are you kidding? I love her.
21:10Ha-ha!
21:11I love her.
21:12So, let's bring her out without further ado-do-do.
21:15Please welcome the five sweetest syllables you will ever hear.
21:19Oprah Winfrey!
21:30You smell delicious.
21:32Thank you. And you look gorgeous, as usual.
21:35You know, I have to tell you, I have watched your show ever since I was a little girl.
21:40Oh, no, Rosie, wait a minute, because I'm not that old.
21:43Really?
21:44Yeah.
21:45Whoa! My research lady's gonna get such a tongue lashing.
21:47Mmm!
21:51You know, I have to tell you, I saw you on that episode of Ellen.
21:55Did we see this?
21:56You were incredible.
21:59I mean, like a ring-ding.
22:01Delicious.
22:02Huh?
22:04You know, it took a lot of courage for Ellen to come out and admit that she's a lesbian.
22:10You know, because so many celebrities are still in the closet, even though everyone in the free world knows that they're gay.
22:16Yeah, well, uh, I think an even bigger question on everybody's mind is, you know, what's going on with you and Stedman?
22:31Huh? Is he gonna marry you or what?
22:33Well, what?
22:34This has got to be so humiliating for you.
22:37I mean, here she is, a gorgeous, attractive, older woman.
22:40Yeah.
22:41She's attractive.
22:42She's rich.
22:43Okay.
22:44Stedman and I are very, very happy with the way things are.
22:47Oh, good.
22:47Oh, and speaking of happy, how's your son, Parker?
22:51You know, I really think it is so great for this lady right here to adopt a child, huh?
22:59As opposed to going out and having sex with a man just so she can get pregnant.
23:03Don't you just love her?
23:09I love you.
23:10You're wonderful.
23:11You're wonderful.
23:12You know, I envy you.
23:13Because, you know, at this point, you know, in your career, you know, it's going this way.
23:16It's going down, winding.
23:18Whoa, hey.
23:18Mm, boom, mm.
23:20Huh.
23:21Not really.
23:22I have to admit that I'm very, very busy right now with a successful and very well-respected
23:27film career.
23:28Oh, come on, girls.
23:29You know what I'm talking about.
23:30You used to have one of those a long time ago.
23:33Interestingly enough, I actually have a new film coming to Lifetime.
23:40Thank you very much.
23:42Ooh.
23:45Lifetime.
23:46The all-woman's network.
23:48Good for you.
23:51It's a very important film.
23:53It's called Bombshell.
23:55The real story of Marilyn Monroe.
23:58I, of course, play Marilyn, who I love.
24:01And, of course, my wonderful co-star playing Senator Bobby Kennedy is, get ready, Mr. Tom
24:08Cruz.
24:10Thank you very much.
24:14Yeah.
24:16So, actually, we're going to show you a clip.
24:18Right here, you're going to see the fateful night when Marilyn dies.
24:23Roll, can we roll this, Martha?
24:27Yes, hello, Ethel.
24:28It's Bobby.
24:29Yes, it's the car again.
24:30Bobby!
24:32Sweetheart.
24:33That was the president.
24:34Liar.
24:35That was Ethel.
24:36You told me you were leaving her.
24:38Oh, damn heels.
24:40And I am.
24:41Oh, I don't know why I listen to you Kennedy boys.
24:44First Jack, then Joe, then you, then Joe again, then Teddy, then Jack again.
24:50Then it was Teddy and you and Joe and me.
24:52Oh, that was fun.
24:55Marilyn, don't be silly.
25:00I told you never to call me silly.
25:04I don't believe I used the word silly.
25:06I think the record would show that I'd ever use the word silly.
25:09Oh, Bobby.
25:12I'm so sorry.
25:14What have I done?
25:17It's okay, Marilyn.
25:19You're just upset.
25:20Perhaps you should take some pills.
25:22There, this will make you feel a lot better.
25:24Well?
25:25Yeah, here you are.
25:26There we go.
25:27Here comes the airplane.
25:28Airplane, airplane, coming in for life.
25:30Hey, mm.
25:30Yeah.
25:34Wow.
25:35Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.
25:36That was interesting.
25:40You know, I never knew there was a point in her career when Marilyn gained all that weight.
25:46Okay, Winfrey, let's go.
25:48Come on.
25:49I'm on a...
25:49Take your best shot, Tony.
25:50Don't remember, I'm not that throttle, Tom Cruise.
25:52Rosie, no.
25:53Johnny, get out of here.
25:53Okay.
25:54Okay, Johnny, now you're going too far.
25:56Run it that way.
25:57Come on.
25:58Stay tight.
25:59We'll be right back after this.
26:01Yeah.
26:01Come here.
26:01Come on.
26:02Get you.
26:03You are watching Public Access, Channel 54, Hartford, Connecticut.
26:16And now, Accounting with Milton Cladwell.
26:20Ever dream of becoming a professional accountant?
26:23I did, and I did something about it.
26:25And now you can, too.
26:27Hello, I'm Milton Cladwell.
26:29And for the past 20 years, I've run my own accounting firm.
26:34And guess what?
26:35I've finally decided to offer an educational course in account management.
26:39Sound exciting?
26:40It is.
26:42By following my five-step plan, in just weeks, you'll be able to put together a portfolio
26:47just like...
26:49Just like this one.
26:56This isn't the right portfolio.
26:57Where is that portfolio?
27:00Oh, no, Kathy.
27:02Where is the loss in account?
27:04How can I talk about tax portfolios when I don't have the right one?
27:07It was just here about ten minutes ago.
27:09All this clutter.
27:11Damn it.
27:16Where's the portfolio?
27:17I need you to cover for me.
27:19And instead, you make me look foolish.
27:21A man in my position can't afford to look foolish.
27:23I can't deal with this now.
27:25The camera's running.
27:26Everything's such a mess.
27:29Hello.
27:30You know, tax portfolios are only the beginning.
27:34Let's face it.
27:34Dealing with your client's personal finances can be a darn right, downright pain in the patootie.
27:39Not anymore, thanks to my five-step organizational...
27:43Organizational...
27:45Oh, organizational...
27:48Well, here's step five.
27:52Um, Kathy, where did you put the rest of the steps?
27:57All I have is step five.
27:59How are they going to know what's going on if they don't have steps one through four?
28:05Damn it!
28:07I am not going to get one dog climbed because of you.
28:11I want my desk cleaned up.
28:13I need people to believe that I have it together.
28:20Hello.
28:20Oh, hello.
28:22So, if you or someone you know is interested in the exciting world of accounting, then please call me at the number listed below.
28:30So, I'm Milton Cladwell, and remember, there are only two things in life you can count on.
28:36Death and accounting.
28:39Um, so, I'm looking forward to your call at the number below.
28:47This is what we do in between funny skits.
28:50Now.
28:50Fat and sugar.
28:51It's what comedy is made of.
28:53Funny.
28:54May.
28:54You are now watching Mad TV.
29:00May.
29:02Bad guys, bad guys.
29:05Cops in Hollywood is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement.
29:09All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
29:13You know, when you're working in Hollywood, I guess you see a lot of really sad things.
29:17Because it's just a town, a lot of, like a lot of broken dreams.
29:21Hey, that's Holly weird.
29:23Yes, yes.
29:25We're the uniform backup for a sting operation that's about to go down.
29:29We've got an undercover officer in the field right now.
29:32We're just waiting on go time.
29:34Hey, baby.
29:35How you doing today, hmm?
29:37This could be it.
29:39You in town for the convention?
29:41Yeah, the shoe convention.
29:43That'll cost extra.
29:45Here's a thousand.
29:46Let me just see what your feet look like.
29:48That's it.
29:49Let's roll.
29:50That's them right there.
29:51Freeze up against the vehicle.
29:58I want Johnny Cackley.
30:00Johnny Cackley.
30:01Yeah, I got to put the camera in my face again.
30:03Calm down, calm down.
30:03I got kids.
30:04They might see this.
30:04I'm going to put the camera away, man.
30:06Wait, somebody get my angel on the phone.
30:08Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
30:09I can explain what happened.
30:10Let me explain.
30:11I was out driving around, right?
30:13Calm down.
30:13Okay.
30:14I was out driving around.
30:15You know, I like to party all the time.
30:16And that's when I seen a dude look like Trixie.
30:19You know, and I know Trixie because I used to work with Trixie before.
30:21And I was going to get out the car with my ass, right?
30:23Yeah, yeah.
30:23My wooden ass, bitch, owe me money.
30:25Calm down.
30:25My dad, she said she need the money for the kids, right?
30:27And I know what it's like when you have kids saying, mommy, mommy, daddy, give me the
30:30money with the judge over the car with the grip.
30:32So I was going to the kids.
30:34You know, I like law enforcement, you know, but I'm only doing the cop thing until I saw
30:41one of my screenplays, you know, from a screenwriter.
30:44And I'm working on a screenplay right now that's a cross between, check this out, Terms
30:49of Endearment and Serpical.
30:53Okay, think about that for a minute.
30:54My partner here is an actor and he's good.
30:56You are too.
30:57Unit 12, unit 12, disturbance at 4567 Hollywood Boulevard.
31:01Unit 12 responding.
31:03Let's roll.
31:05Hey, I got a commercial audition tomorrow.
31:08Orange juice.
31:09Will you help me with my lines?
31:11Oh, yeah, sure.
31:12Start my day without citrus on orange juice.
31:15It's like starting my day.
31:17I told her it was good.
31:17Stop smiling so much.
31:19We're outside of Hollywood's donut shop and Chinese restaurant.
31:21You've been here before.
31:22It's Farley.
31:26Bad news are mine.
31:30All right, this is awesome.
31:32Careful, Dustin.
31:33Oh, it's nasty.
31:39Hey, please, Chris.
31:40Put the donuts down.
31:43I'm sorry, guys.
31:44Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
31:45Easy.
31:47I'm sorry.
31:49Stupid.
31:50So stupid.
31:51You know what?
31:52I think you guys are awesome.
31:53Going up and busting people.
31:55Like, uh, remember that time you guys came by my house and I was, uh, drinking my pool water?
32:01Okay, okay.
32:02It's all right, buddy.
32:02It's all right.
32:03Listen, uh, we're not going to take you down this time, all right?
32:06Oh, thanks, buddy.
32:07That's so great.
32:08Give me a little part in your next film, all right?
32:09If you know what I mean.
32:11All right, well, I...
32:12I'm a good actor.
32:13All right, well, I'm sure you are.
32:14I do what I can, but I'm not the casting director, so...
32:17Oh, man!
32:20It's going down.
32:21It's going to grab a coffee table.
32:22Break his arm.
32:23Let me tell you, you know, it's incidents like these that make me kind of glad I'm a cop,
32:31because this is where I get all my inspiration from, you know?
32:34Um, I told you I'm a screenwriter, right?
32:36And, you know, I mean, this thing that happened with Fartherton, like, that would be perfect
32:39for an episode of, like, Pacific Blue, because I know people down there, you know what I'm saying?
32:44And I sent some spec scripts down there, but it's about this...
32:46Hey, Hendrix, check these out.
32:49What, those are those headshots?
32:50Yeah, the last ones were too intense.
32:53Oh, my God.
32:57Call for backup.
32:58I just got to check my messages first.
33:02I'm an actor.
33:04I hate this running crap.
33:07Lady, officer!
33:08Lady, officer!
33:09All right, backup!
33:10Back, backup!
33:10Back, backup!
33:10Back, back, back!
33:11Hey, hey, Oprah, come on.
33:13How do you stop an elephant from charging?
33:15How do you take away his credit card?
33:18All right, lady, lady, come on.
33:20I saw the whole thing.
33:21What happened?
33:21What happened?
33:22Tell me.
33:22Rosie's on the other side of the street, right?
33:24And Oprah's standing over here, just, like, minding her own business and stuff.
33:27Are you going to stop the fire?
33:28Uh, I don't understand.
33:29Okay, so, um, Oprah's over here and, like, mind her own business, and then Rosie, like,
33:32starts kicking the shit out of her.
33:34Mira!
33:34Mira, look, I'm on TV.
33:36So, um, when is this going to air?
33:37Hey, hey, hey.
33:38I'm going to find them where Reds is spinning.
33:40Wrong!
33:41To keep that pants up!
33:43Come on!
33:44Lady, snap, this is getting better.
33:45All right, I'm going to stop it.
33:46All right, Rosie.
33:47Miss O'Donnell, freeze!
33:48You're going too far now, Rosie.
33:50You're going to take a little trip downtown.
33:53Hey, downtown.
33:55Come on, we're going to take a trip downtown.
33:57Let's go.
33:57I'm going to kick you, no pros, yes.
33:58Hey, come on, I'm saving spring up the last.
34:01I've got to close.
34:01Come on, kids.
34:02Watch it.
34:03Oh, no good.
34:04Okay.
34:04Should have seen what she did to Sally Jessie.
34:06You know, I don't get it.
34:07Why Reds make people so crazy.
34:10Come on, cuppas.
34:11What?
34:12Showbiz.
34:12It's orange-erific.
34:15Orange-erific.
34:17All right, you know what the problem is?
34:18I want to see you, you know, taste the juice.
34:21Okay?
34:21Taste it.
34:22Right.
34:23You know, like you like it.
34:24It's orange-erific.
34:25Why are you mad at the juice?
34:27Why are you getting mad at me?
34:28And why are you getting mad at the juice?
34:30I'm going to try to help you with it.
34:34You are watching Public Access.
34:36Channel 54, Hartford, Connecticut.
34:38And now, Accounting with Milton Cladwell.
34:42Hello.
34:43I'm Milton Cladwell, a professional accountant.
34:46I am.
34:47And guess what?
34:48I have decided to offer an educational course in account management.
34:52Does that sound exciting?
34:53It is.
34:54By ordering my course, Accounting by Mail, you'll receive...
34:58What happened to the papers on my desk?
35:05Kathy, I tell you to clean up my desk,
35:07and all you do is take the mess that's on top of my desk
35:10and stuff it into my desk.
35:13Drawer, I put up a 401k for you,
35:16and this is how I get treated.
35:17This is what you do to me?
35:18I look like a buffoon.
35:20You help me find that packet, or you'll be sorry.
35:25Hello.
35:25Oh, hello.
35:26Just let me find this one thing.
35:28You know, accounting is a constant discovery process.
35:31You know, it was Richard Leakey and...
35:35Oh, God.
35:39Kathy.
35:42You...
35:42You didn't...
35:44You didn't mail the IntelliCom quarterly taxes.
35:49Kathy?
35:50Oh, boy.
35:51These are supposed to go out last month,
35:52and that's going to cost them too many penalties.
35:54Oh, dear God.
35:55Dear God, Kathy.
35:56It'll be over.
35:58Intelli...
35:58Drawer...
35:59IntelliCom will be cleaned out,
36:01and all because of you,
36:01you old beggar woman,
36:02I said beat you and hang you
36:04outside my office window
36:05and my kids would peck your eyeballs out
36:06to show everybody
36:07that I'm not someone to be taken lightly.
36:11Oh, now I'll get it.
36:14Gladwell accounting.
36:15Milton, it's Bill.
36:16Hello, Bill.
36:17Where are those quarterly?
36:18Those were supposed to be,
36:19and they're a month ago.
36:20Bill, I'm telling you,
36:22and it's a different IntelliCom.
36:23I will break your head off,
36:25and it's a different IntelliCom.
36:26No. Stop. Stop.
36:27I will eat your skin, Clash.
36:29Bill.
36:30No.
36:31Oh, that is funny, Bill.
36:33Yeah, well, thank you.
36:34You're the best,
36:35and you've always got the best ones on the block.
36:37I'm happy if you're happy.
36:38Best of Muffin.
36:39Bye-bye.
36:41So, if someone you know
36:43or you yourself
36:44are interested in the exciting world of accounting,
36:46why don't you just give me a call
36:47at the number listed below?
36:49Kathy, if Bill Tomwell calls
36:52or stops by,
36:53I'm not here.
36:55If you ever hang up on me again,
36:59Bill,
36:59pick up the phone,
37:00you're welcome.
37:04You are now watching that TV.
37:08Me!
37:10You are watching Public Access,
37:12Channel 54, Hartford, Connecticut.
37:15I'm sorry, Bill.
37:15Now accounting with Milton Cladwell.
37:17Open the damn door, Cladwell.
37:19Is the door holding?
37:20You little son of a bitch,
37:21you can hope I don't get in there.
37:23Oh, God, Kathy,
37:25are the police here yet?
37:26Did you even call them?
37:28Kathy,
37:28I said I was sorry, Bill.
37:31So stop all that Calvin, huh?
37:33Kathy, do something.
37:35Where's that other bitch, Secretary?
37:37There we are.
37:38Bill!
37:38Come here.
37:39What a surprise!
37:40You know how much money you're talking about.
37:41You are fantastic.
37:42Have you been running?
37:43What?
37:43Kathy, get him some coffee.
37:44What are you talking about?
37:45See, Kathy.
37:46Oh, Bill,
37:46put the gun down.
37:47I'm not the bad guy here.
37:49I'm not the bad guy here.
37:49Kathy, she's the one.
37:51Play with my hair.
37:52Give me the gun.
37:53Oh, Kathy.
37:54Go!
38:04It didn't have to come to this.
38:07And it won't.
38:09For you,
38:10as long as you order accounting by mail now.
38:13Just call me at the number listed below.
38:15The line may be busy
38:18because I probably would be on the phone
38:20with my lawyer.
38:28Frank,
38:28Milton Gladwell,
38:30I have a problem down at the office.
38:33I may be a mass murderer.
38:36Sure, I'll hope.
38:45She doesn't like it when I smoke
38:57Or give the fire a friendly stoke
39:02When the sun is burning down
39:06We sit in the shade
39:08She says she looks like Frankenstein
39:14I tell her that she looks just fine
39:18It always gives her peace of mind
39:22When I say these words to her
39:25Burn victim girl
39:31I love you with feeling
39:35Burn victim girl
39:38Oh, oh, oh, oh
39:40You are appealing
39:42Big
40:05Oh, oh, oh, oh
40:06There's a job
40:07That's not very important
40:08That's not very interesting
40:08That's not very interesting
40:09You are not watching Mad TV.
40:34You are not watching Mad TV.
41:04You are watching Mad TV.
41:34You are watching Mad TV.
Recommended
41:45
|
Up next
42:08
42:56
41:46
41:47
41:45
41:45
42:08
41:47
42:56
42:42
41:45
41:47
41:46
41:45
41:45
41:47
41:46
41:49
41:50
42:38
42:56
42:45
42:56
42:36
Be the first to comment