- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 3
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00On the next MADtv, Kim Coles teaches your children well.
00:05I'm here for sex education.
00:07The only test you gotta worry about passing is the pregnancy test.
00:10The Vancombe lady has no patience with patience.
00:16And it's a pig and a poke.
00:18I will not be the other white meat. It is on now.
00:24Next on MADtv.
00:25You are now watching MADtv.
00:30You are now watching MADtv.
00:36MAD!
00:38I suppose we could ask Darren to come down and pick the stuff off out of the garage,
00:41but he's still gonna have to come down in a week.
00:45Jack, are you playing with yourself?
00:46Huh? Uh, no, no, no.
00:50No, I was just, uh, thinking about stuff. Definitely not playing with myself.
00:54Cause you had the look, that playing with yourself look.
00:57Honey, if I was, I'd tell you.
00:59I was just, uh, sitting here, thinking about what a great meal that was.
01:03And, uh, how much I love my family.
01:05And how lucky we all are now that I don't play with myself so much anymore.
01:10So you weren't playing with yourself?
01:12No.
01:14I'm sorry. It's hard. I'm just so used to you playing with yourself.
01:17Well, I wasn't.
01:18Okay.
01:19Hey kids, did you put the tape in?
01:20Yes.
01:21Now you pressed play and not record, right?
01:23Right.
01:24Remember what happened last time.
01:26Hey mom, dad's playing with himself again.
01:31Huh? I was not. Honey, I wasn't.
01:33Jack, honestly.
01:34Honey, I wasn't. I was just thinking. People think.
01:37Come on, dad. Be a man.
01:39I am.
01:40Jack, I cannot go through this again.
01:42You promised and I believed you. I stood by you.
01:45I mean, I knew you had a problem, but you were trying to work on it.
01:48So I put aside my own pride. My own pride.
01:51Even though all of my friends said that you were a freak and I should just walk.
01:55Jack!
01:56I was listening. I was just concentrating, honey.
01:59Jack, we're done. Kids, go to the car.
02:01But the movie just started!
02:02Go! Go!
02:03Honey, this is insane. I wasn't.
02:06You are a weak man, Jack. A weak, weak man.
02:09Honey! Honey!
02:13Hello?
02:14Hey Frank.
02:16Betty just walked out on me.
02:19Yeah.
02:20Yeah, she took the kids.
02:22Yeah.
02:24Yeah.
02:26Yeah.
02:28No!
02:29No, it wasn't!
02:30I was listening!
02:31You agree?
02:32Can you say something, Frank?
02:33Hey!
02:34Hey!
02:35Hey!
02:36Hey!
02:37Hey!
02:38Hey!
02:39Hey!
02:40Hey!
02:41Hey!
02:42Hey!
02:43Hey!
02:44Hey!
02:45Hey!
02:46Hey!
02:47Hey!
02:48Hey!
02:49Hey!
02:50Hey!
02:51Hey!
02:52Hey!
02:53Hey!
02:54Hey!
02:55Hey!
02:56Hey!
02:57Hey!
02:58Hey!
02:59Hey!
03:00Hey!
03:01Hey!
03:02Hey!
03:03Hey!
03:04Hey!
03:05Hey!
03:06Hey!
03:07Hey!
03:08Hey!
03:09Hey!
03:10Hey!
03:11Hey!
03:12Hey!
03:13Hey!
03:14Hey!
03:15Hey!
03:16Hey!
03:17Hey!
03:18Hey!
03:19Hey!
03:20Hey!
03:21Hey!
03:22Hey!
03:23Hey!
03:24If I never keep watching you
03:27Good evening, folks, and welcome to MADtv.
03:45I'm Orlando Jones.
03:47We have a hell of a show for you this evening,
03:49packed with lots of the funny,
03:51but more importantly, we have an incredible special guest.
03:53Please welcome Kim Coles.
03:59All right.
04:03You're welcome.
04:04Thank you, Orlando.
04:05I'm really looking forward to working with you guys again.
04:07This is going to be fun.
04:08All right.
04:09Yes, oddly enough, you and I almost worked together before.
04:12Really?
04:12Where?
04:13On Living Single.
04:15I auditioned for the part of Overton,
04:18but John Hinton was cast.
04:20Oh, um...
04:23I didn't know that.
04:26I'm sorry.
04:27That's interesting, too,
04:28because your ass was in the room when I auditioned.
04:32You know, why am I drawing this total blank here?
04:35You know, it's really weird,
04:36because I have this amazing memory.
04:38I can remember stuff that happened years ago.
04:41Like, when I was in the 10th grade,
04:43my family moved to Brooklyn.
04:44Brooklyn?
04:45Yes.
04:46Whereabouts in Brooklyn?
04:47Flatbush.
04:48Oh, girl, I'm from Flatbush.
04:49Oh!
04:49Yes!
04:50All right!
04:51All right!
04:52Yeah.
04:53So, anyway, I went to the local high school,
04:56started going there,
04:56and I remember this cute guy
04:58asked me on a date to the prom.
05:00Uh-huh, uh-huh.
05:00Well, I was excited.
05:01Oh, I had this cute dress and a corsage,
05:04and so excited.
05:05My parents were so proud, you know?
05:07And now, he said he was going to be there at 7.
05:09Right, right.
05:09So I was waiting at 7 o'clock.
05:11And 7 came along, and he didn't come.
05:16And he never showed up.
05:17And never even called, you know?
05:21And so I go to school the next day,
05:23and I see him there with his buddies,
05:25and he's laughing.
05:26He's laughing.
05:27He's laughing at me, you know?
05:29Like there's some great big joke.
05:31So I, uh, remember myself thinking that day
05:35that, uh, if there was a God in heaven,
05:39if there was a God in heaven,
05:40please give me the chance to get back at that guy again.
05:44Hmm.
05:44You know, it's funny.
05:45I can remember that.
05:47But your audition, gone.
05:52And producers really liked you.
05:54Whoa.
05:56Hmm.
05:57Hey, well, it's funny the things you remember
05:59and the things you don't, isn't it?
06:01Huh.
06:02So how then here is it me?
06:04Um, well, please stay tuned for more, uh,
06:07MADtv and more Kim Coles.
06:10I can do over time.
06:11I got a two-step.
06:12Oh!
06:21The call came in the middle of the night.
06:23Scared me to death.
06:24My daughter, Laura, who was away at college,
06:26had been in a car accident.
06:27Thank goodness she was okay.
06:29But the car was smashed.
06:30My busy dental practice keeps me pretty tied up.
06:33So there was no way I could just drop everything,
06:35hop on a plane, and take care of things.
06:37I needed someone who could handle it for me
06:39as if I was there.
06:41That's when I called John Dawson
06:42of the Helpful Hand Insurance Group.
06:45They've got a hands-on approach that's second to none.
06:48Unbelievable!
06:48Look at this!
06:50What the hell is this?
06:51Explain yourself, young lady!
06:52Explain yourself right now!
06:54The guy didn't have a signal on.
06:55I was just...
06:56Oh, you were just...
06:57You were just not thinking.
06:58That's what you were just doing.
06:59It was the other guy's fault.
07:00Oh, I don't care about the other guy.
07:02The other guy's not here right now.
07:03I'm dealing with you!
07:04I could sleep well at night
07:06knowing there was someone there for my family.
07:08Someone who cared.
07:09Someone who understood my needs and hers.
07:12It was his fault.
07:13I don't know why my insurance has to go up.
07:14What did you say?
07:15What did...
07:16Are you getting smart with me?
07:17Are you being smart with me?
07:18Because if you're being smart with me,
07:20you can forget about ever driving this car again.
07:22I can't believe you.
07:23Tommy's father's insurance agent
07:24doesn't talk to him like this.
07:25Oh, well, I'm not Tommy's father's insurance agent, am I?
07:28No.
07:28Am I?
07:29I know how kids can be.
07:31Heck, I used to be one myself.
07:33Didn't we talk about this?
07:35Didn't we make a deal after you got that DUI?
07:37What?
07:38I never drove drunk.
07:40Isn't this you?
07:41No, that's me there.
07:42Oh, sorry.
07:43That's my one o'clock.
07:44Thanks.
07:45After you got that speeding ticket,
07:47didn't we say that if you drove safe for six months...
07:49Oh, forget about it.
07:50You know, I don't know where I went wrong.
07:51I don't know where I went wrong.
07:53You can forget about that college tuition now, honey.
07:55You're on your own.
07:56I hate you.
07:57I hate you.
07:58I hate you.
07:59As far as I'm concerned,
08:00I don't have an insurance agent.
08:02Get off.
08:03I hate you.
08:04Get off your head.
08:05I hate you.
08:06My premiums stay the same,
08:08and I saved three years of college tuition.
08:12Thanks, Helpful Hand.
08:13Thanks a lot.
08:15The Helpful Hand Insurance Group.
08:16A firm hand and a brief to the hour.
08:32You're watching Mad TV.
08:34You're watching Mad TV.
08:35You're watching Mad TV.
08:35You're watching Mad TV.
08:36You're watching Mad TV.
08:37You're watching Mad TV.
08:37You're watching Mad TV.
08:37You're watching Mad TV.
08:37You're watching Mad TV.
08:38You're watching Mad TV.
08:38You're watching Mad TV.
08:39You're watching Mad TV.
08:39You're watching Mad TV.
08:40You're watching Mad TV.
08:40You're watching Mad TV.
08:41You're watching Mad TV.
08:41You're watching Mad TV.
08:42You're watching Mad TV.
08:42You're watching Mad TV.
08:43You're watching Mad TV.
08:43You're watching Mad TV.
08:44You're watching Mad TV.
08:44You're watching Mad TV.
08:45You're watching Mad TV.
08:45You're watching Mad TV.
08:46Hello, hello, mommies. How's you doing? How's you doing?
08:49I'm going to be your sociable teacher.
08:51How's you doing?
08:53My name is Maria Linda Rosa Rodriguez.
08:57There's a green, there's a...
08:57Hello, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Gracias.
08:59Hello, mommies.
09:02Where's Sister Mary Helen?
09:04Oh, sweetie.
09:05She's at my school, PS 224.
09:07I'm part of the teacher's exchange program.
09:09She's over there right now.
09:10Let's pray for her.
09:11Oh, Dios mÃo, she's going to get killed.
09:13Okay, for the way...
09:14Teacher, this is an algebra class.
09:18Attention, mommies.
09:20I'm here for sex education, okay?
09:23Lesson numero uno.
09:26Don't be a slut.
09:27Wash your butt.
09:31Listen, mommies.
09:32Women have a lot more crevices than guys do.
09:35A lot of dark and mysterious places
09:37for the funk to be hiding.
09:40Honey, we'll hide on you.
09:42Seek it out.
09:43Be all I rise.
09:45Perfume I rise.
09:46Sanatize.
09:47Okay, we wait.
09:49That's the numero uno.
09:52There is no excuse to be loose.
09:56A cup, B cup, C cup, whatever.
09:58Strap them things down, mommies.
10:01Wait a minute, wait a minute.
10:02Why you not wearing a bra?
10:04I don't need to wear a bra.
10:06Ooh.
10:06Wait a minute, wait a minute.
10:09Listen, Miss Tatas.
10:11Nobody wants to see your stuff hanging out all the time.
10:14Honey, if you don't be putting on a bra,
10:15one day they're gonna hang down like suspenders.
10:17That is just nasty.
10:18Okay, Scoochin'?
10:20Okay, uh, Mrs. Whatever.
10:24Um, this is all really informative,
10:26but how are we gonna learn our stuff for our algebra test?
10:29Hey, Scoochin', mommy.
10:30The only test you gotta worry about passing
10:32is the pregnancy test.
10:33Because if you got an F,
10:35that stands for fertilized.
10:37It's a stick-to-on-blue, mommy.
10:40Okay, okay?
10:41Now, I wanna give you an analogy.
10:44Who can explain what an analogy is?
10:45An analogy is a correspondence in some respects
10:48between things that are otherwise dissimilar.
10:53Muy bueno, archosizo, but no.
10:57An analogy is something that you just to explain
11:00when something says like another something.
11:02It's similar, but it ain't a thing.
11:10It's boobie, la.
11:12Lesson numero tres.
11:15Get this down, honeys.
11:17Kissing leads to humping.
11:21Just like farting leads to pooping.
11:26I do not think my mother would approve of you,
11:29Miss Teacher Farty Poopy.
11:30Yeah, kind of a bad teacher.
11:34I'm not learning anything.
11:35Listen, okay, fine.
11:37Okay, fine.
11:38I tried to teach you something.
11:39But if you wanna go and be a whore,
11:41just go.
11:43Sit your butt down, mommy.
11:45Oh, dang.
11:46She called you a whore.
11:48Listen to me.
11:49Listen.
11:50I'm trying to save your lives over here.
11:52There are men out there that want your stuff.
11:54This is good stuff.
11:55You gotta protect it.
11:57Listen, mommy.
11:57They fighting wars for your stuff.
11:59You gotta...
11:59It's getting worse.
12:01They be putting testosterone in the waters, mommy.
12:04Listen.
12:05If you're gonna be humping,
12:07at least put on something.
12:10This is against God.
12:13Listen, mommy.
12:14Don't be afraid of this.
12:15This is prophylactical.
12:16I know.
12:18Don't be listening to no guy talk about,
12:20oh, this don't feel natural.
12:21You know what?
12:22Neither does this.
12:23You see this?
12:26In the summertime, you'll be hot.
12:27You know what I'm saying?
12:29Oh, listen.
12:30Okay, I gotta go outside and smoke a cigarette.
12:33You know what I'm saying?
12:34When I come back in,
12:35we get to lesson number four.
12:37If you didn't get yours,
12:38he didn't do his chores.
12:40Are you ready for that?
12:41You're so stupid.
12:42You're so young.
12:44God help them.
13:17And now,
13:23from the vault of Turner Family Classics,
13:25we present
13:26Little Red Riding Hood
13:27with Ike and Tina Turner.
13:35Hi, boys and girls.
13:37Little Red Riding Hood
13:38was walking through the forest one day
13:40when out of nowhere
13:41came a big bad wolf.
13:43Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
13:45now, little girl.
13:48Where you going?
13:49Well, I'm going to my grandma's house
13:51to take her this basket of goodies.
13:52Oh, now, that's nice now, ain't it?
13:54What a nice little girl.
13:55Why, thank you, Mr. Wolf.
13:57Oh, you're welcome.
13:58Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, now.
14:00What is your name?
14:03Little Red Riding Hood.
14:05Hey, I done heard of you now.
14:06Yes, sir.
14:07I sure enough have.
14:08You look good.
14:09Got some nice legs.
14:13Yes, sir.
14:14We can get you some new clothes
14:15or new wheels.
14:16Uh, no thank you, Mr. Wolf.
14:18I really got to get to my grandma's house.
14:20So Little Red Riding Hood
14:21went skipping off to her...
14:23Well, I see.
14:24Now, you got to go to your grandma's house, huh?
14:26What about Ike, huh?
14:27What about Ike's knees?
14:29Please, Mr. Wolf.
14:31I just want to go.
14:32Don't hurt me.
14:33Hurt you?
14:35Girl, I ain't gonna hurt you.
14:38Okay.
14:40Okay.
14:41So, Little Red Riding Hood
14:43went skipping off to her grandmama's house.
14:45Well, where you going, Adam, eh, huh?
14:47Where you going, huh?
14:48You gonna run off and leave me
14:49just like I'm one of those suckers
14:49I made famous, huh?
14:50First sign of trouble,
14:51you just gonna take the kids
14:52and run off to your mama's house?
14:53That's grandmama's house.
14:55You got cake for your grandma,
14:56but you ain't got nothing
14:57for the man that made you famous, huh?
14:59I see how he is, huh?
15:00Girl gets a little famous.
15:01She just want to run off in the sunset
15:03with her brand new basket of songs.
15:04Look, it's just a basket of cake.
15:06I'll be the judge of that.
15:07I...
15:07I...
15:07I...
15:08I...
15:08Anyhow, uh, the wolf goes to, uh,
15:11Grandma's house.
15:12He eats that bitch,
15:12then he's the hunter,
15:13then he's somebody with the hood.
15:14I don't care who it is.
15:15I ain't done the Jew out of me.
15:16I...
15:16I ain't done the...
15:17Close the curtain.
15:18End of story.
15:21This has been another
15:22Turner Family Press.
15:33It's part of the beauty,
15:34uh, that goes into MADtv.
15:42Detox orientation, third floor.
15:58Excuse me.
16:00Hi.
16:01Welcome to the Betty Ford Center.
16:03How may I help you?
16:04If I need some help,
16:05I need to be admitted.
16:05Okay, you're just gonna fill out this phone.
16:08Shh.
16:09You know what?
16:10I know you.
16:11You're that famous outfielder
16:12for the Mets,
16:13Darren Udell.
16:14Look, could you keep it down?
16:15I'm trying to keep it low profile,
16:16all right?
16:16Okay, see,
16:17we here at Betty Ford
16:18don't exactly consider
16:19smoking crack
16:20and hanging out
16:21with $100 hookers
16:22low profile.
16:25Hello, Betty Ford Center.
16:26How may I help you?
16:28Oh, the National Enquirer.
16:30Well,
16:31yes.
16:33No, I cannot help you.
16:34Yes, I'm busy
16:35admitting Darren Udell.
16:36Bye-bye.
16:39Hello?
16:40Yes,
16:40the famous outfielder
16:41for the Mets.
16:42Wow, Mr. Udell,
16:43everyone just loves you.
16:44Look,
16:44what are you trying to do?
16:45I need help.
16:46Okay,
16:46if you ask me,
16:47it's your wife who needs help.
16:48You might want to get her a helmet.
16:50Seems like your battering average
16:51at home
16:52is higher than your
16:53batting average
16:54on the field.
16:55You don't help me or not.
16:57I'm sorry.
16:57See,
16:58we here at Betty Ford
16:58only admit people
17:00who have hit rock bottom.
17:01And let's face it,
17:03you can't hit anything.
17:04Bye-bye.
17:05Thanks for stopping in.
17:06Okay,
17:07thank you.
17:08Bye-bye.
17:08Okay.
17:11Hi,
17:11welcome to the
17:12Betty Ford Center.
17:12How may I help you?
17:13Yeah,
17:13hey,
17:14how are you doing?
17:14I'm Tim Farland.
17:15I think you guys
17:15have a bed for me.
17:16Okay,
17:16and your occupation?
17:17I'm the drummer
17:18for Tyrid.
17:21You know what?
17:23What?
17:24Yeah,
17:24no,
17:25see,
17:25that's not gonna work.
17:27One-hit wonders
17:27don't make it
17:28here at Betty Ford.
17:29We haven't heard
17:30from your rock combo
17:31since 1985.
17:33We're saving
17:33the Kurt Cobain suite
17:34for a smashing pumpkin
17:36or maybe Steven Tyler
17:37if he comes back.
17:38Come on,
17:38man,
17:38I'm really sick.
17:39I'm in a lot of pain.
17:40Okay,
17:40why don't you take
17:41that internal pain,
17:42make it external,
17:43write a song about it,
17:45then maybe you could
17:45be a two-hit wonder.
17:47You think I could?
17:49Yeah,
17:49no.
17:50Bye-bye.
17:51Thank you for stopping in.
17:52Okay,
17:53bye-bye.
17:54Shoo!
17:55Shoo!
17:55Attention for personnel,
17:57patient 641 is escaping.
17:59Cha,
18:00you know what?
18:02Uh-uh.
18:11Hey,
18:12welcome to the
18:12Betty Ford Center.
18:13How may I help you?
18:15Hi,
18:15we're here to see my husband,
18:16Senator Lipton?
18:17Oh,
18:17yeah,
18:17I bet you're excited
18:18to see Daddy,
18:19aren't ya?
18:19Yeah,
18:20he's been cleaning
18:20the suburb for 28 days.
18:22Yeah,
18:22no,
18:23you can't see him.
18:24See,
18:24we'd like to keep him
18:25sober.
18:26And here at
18:27Betty Ford,
18:27you're what we like
18:28to call
18:29Alky's little helper.
18:30What do you mean
18:31by that?
18:32You do know
18:32you're the reason
18:33why your daddy
18:34drinks,
18:34don't you?
18:37Therapists told me
18:38it's not my fault.
18:39Oh,
18:40you're cute.
18:41Yeah,
18:41therapists get paid
18:42big bucks
18:43to tell those lies.
18:44I hate myself.
18:46I don't know
18:46how to go.
18:48How could you
18:49talk to my child
18:50that way?
18:50Who do you
18:51think you are?
18:52Wow,
18:52you're pretty sassy
18:53for codependent,
18:54aren't ya?
18:54I'm calling
18:57my husband's lawyer.
18:58Okay, ma'am,
18:58I can't hear you.
18:59And I guarantee you
18:59by the end of the evening
18:59I'm going home this place.
19:01I was in the call.
19:02Bye-bye.
19:02La-la-la-la.
19:04Well,
19:05hello there,
19:06Mr. Vincent.
19:07That is it.
19:09I want you out.
19:09Out!
19:10I assume you don't mean
19:12out from behind the desk.
19:14No,
19:15I mean out
19:15as in you're fired.
19:18Okay.
19:19Well,
19:19thanks so much
19:20for letting me work
19:21here at Betty Ford.
19:22And thanks for the methadone.
19:23It certainly took the edge
19:24off sleeping with you.
19:27I'm calling security.
19:28Hello, security?
19:36Yeah,
19:36there's a doped up patient
19:37here who's trying to escape.
19:39I believe he'll be needing
19:40some shock therapy.
19:41Okay,
19:42bye-bye.
19:43And bye-bye,
19:44Mr. Vincent.
19:45Well,
20:06I hope she's not
20:07getting into vinyl.
20:08And I'm still wrapped.
20:09Where am I going to
20:10find another job?
20:10I'm not exactly
20:11a throw pillow.
20:12Uh-oh.
20:13Okay,
20:14okay,
20:14I know everybody's upset
20:15because Dominique
20:16is getting a new sex toy.
20:18Hey,
20:19woody man,
20:19she's not going to
20:20play with us no more.
20:21Sacre bleu.
20:23I don't want to
20:23go back to San Francisco.
20:24San Francisco?
20:26We're going to end up
20:26in a conjugal visit trailer
20:27in San Quentin.
20:30San Quentin?
20:31Where?
20:32When?
20:33Everyone calm down.
20:34There's nothing to worry about.
20:36But check the bed, man.
20:39Oh.
20:44Ahem.
20:48Hi,
20:49I'm Buzz Lighttouch.
20:50Who are you?
20:51I'm Woody,
20:52and you're in my spot.
20:54I'm Dominique's
20:55favorite sex toy.
20:56Oh, really?
20:57Move over, buddy.
20:59You're about to be
20:59replaced by the real thing.
21:01What?
21:02Can't you see?
21:03I'm the real deal.
21:06Oh.
21:07And that's just foreplay.
21:12I have five other settings.
21:16Whoa.
21:17Buzz,
21:18come here.
21:19If you like that,
21:20watch this.
21:21Oh, Buzz.
21:24Whoa.
21:24Whoa.
21:26I'm going to,
21:26I'm going to.
21:27Hey,
21:28you shouldn't see this.
21:30I want a few.
21:31Oh, my God.
21:32I wish I was
21:33badly upgraded.
21:35Very good.
21:36Holy moly.
21:37To infinity.
21:39Whoa.
21:39Hello.
21:40And beyond.
21:41Just by my love.
21:44What do you say now,
21:45cowboy?
21:46Buzz,
21:47you're nothing but
21:47a horny woman's plaything.
21:50And you are
21:51a twisted little man.
21:53Hey,
21:53whoa.
21:54Hey, pal.
21:55Without us,
21:56you're nothing but
21:57a paperweight.
21:59You mean,
22:00I'm not real?
22:03Aw,
22:04come on, Buzz.
22:05Cheer up.
22:05You're as important
22:06as any of us sex toys.
22:08Remember,
22:09we're all here
22:09to make humans happy.
22:11Really?
22:12You bet.
22:13And with us,
22:14you'll keep going
22:15and going
22:16and going
22:17and going
22:18and going
22:18and going.
22:18Whoa.
22:20Yeah.
22:20I got a ready mark.
22:22Ready, ready, row.
22:24Oh, Woody.
22:25You can be my
22:25midnight cowboy
22:26anytime.
22:27You've got a toy in me.
22:29Oh, boy.
22:30You've got some joy in me.
22:35If you're feeling lonely,
22:37come play with me.
22:38Yes, life is good.
22:40Life is good.
22:42You've got a toy in me.
22:44Coming up on MADtv.
22:53Hey, how many times
22:54have you said to yourself,
22:55jeez, I wish I had
22:56some rabbit-covered furniture,
22:57but it's just so darn expensive.
22:58Oh, lots of times,
22:59big car.
23:00My name is Jody.
23:02And I'm Katie.
23:03You guys do have
23:04some pretty amazing tan.
23:05Pitching!
23:06Pitching!
23:37Hello?
23:38Anybody here?
23:39Que paso mi compadro!
23:41And welcome
23:41to the Golden Saltating Salon.
23:43My name is Jody.
23:45And I'm Katie.
23:46How you doing?
23:47We're Jody and Cody.
23:48Yeah, Jody and Cody.
23:49Great, great, great.
23:51So, like,
23:51what can we do
23:52for your kind customer?
23:53Well, actually,
23:53I thought this was
23:54a video store.
23:54Oh, dude, bummer.
23:56The video store, like,
23:57totally went out of business.
23:58But seriously, though,
23:59you do not need a video.
24:01Man, what you need
24:02is a Golden Saltang.
24:04Because I'm kind of
24:05blinded by the white.
24:06I mean, like,
24:08look at us, man.
24:09You guys do have
24:10some pretty amazing tans, man.
24:12Pitching!
24:14You both look black.
24:17We too?
24:18Yeah.
24:19Excellent!
24:22Hey, but have no fear.
24:23We're white.
24:24Hootie and the both
24:25is rock, man.
24:26Yeah, man.
24:27That O.J. Simpson dude, man?
24:28Totally guilty.
24:29I got good credit.
24:32Yeah, and seriously, though, dude,
24:34we both think that
24:35Tiger Woods
24:36should not be a member
24:37at any country clubs.
24:39Who the hell is Tiger Woods?
24:40Exactly!
24:40Exactly!
24:41Right, right.
24:42But you know something?
24:43If you have no trust,
24:45I want you to meet
24:45one of our satisfied customers.
24:47Oh, dude, seriously.
24:48This chick is from Sweden.
24:49Her name's Inga.
24:50Check out the vibe, man.
24:51Check it out.
24:51I can't believe it.
24:54I just can't believe
24:56how tan I have became.
24:58At first,
24:59Inga was a skeptical
25:00of a golden sultan.
25:01My thanks, Inga.
25:03My thanks.
25:03Hooray!
25:04Goodbye, Inga.
25:04Not excellent.
25:05Not excellent at all.
25:07Hooray!
25:08Hooray!
25:08Dude, seriously, though,
25:10after a few scant moments
25:11in our tanning bed,
25:12you will no longer
25:13look like the man,
25:14for you will have
25:15the golden sultan.
25:16Hey, man, that rides.
25:17Dude, it's kind of like
25:18vanilla ice.
25:19Yeah, you're done!
25:20Yes, yes, you guys, son.
25:21How much does this cost?
25:23First hand's free, dude!
25:24Yeah, free.
25:24You serious?
25:25Yeah!
25:26What the heck, man?
25:27Let's give it a shot!
25:28All right, Gerardissimus!
25:29Just rub a little
25:30of our golden sultan
25:31and let's do it!
25:34Let me hook you up here, dude.
25:35All right.
25:37This stuff is pretty thick, man.
25:38Uh, dude,
25:39actually, you're kind of cut.
25:41Yeah, I do, all right.
25:41Thanks, man.
25:42Yeah, there you go.
25:43Just let me rub that in.
25:44Okay.
25:45Now hop in his hand again.
25:47All right.
25:48Wow.
25:49Okay, dude,
25:50hold on a minute.
25:51I've got to strap you in,
25:52all right?
25:52Okay.
25:55All right.
25:56Strap you one.
25:59Strap two.
26:01Hey, man,
26:01is it supposed to be
26:02this hot in here?
26:03Dude, dude,
26:04no pain,
26:04no gain.
26:06Something's wet!
26:11Good gravy.
26:1276, your number's up!
26:17Come on,
26:17we ain't got all day.
26:18Who wants the ribs?
26:19Me.
26:20And it's about time
26:21because I'm hungry.
26:22Come on, girl,
26:22get your ribs.
26:23All right.
26:26Folks,
26:26in a couple hours,
26:27we got a white meat special.
26:29We got your rump roast,
26:30we got your thighs,
26:31and we got your neck bones.
26:32Anybody finds a pearl button
26:34in the food,
26:34just bring them up
26:35to the front.
26:35All right.
26:37That was it!
27:07The first bed was too hard.
27:16The second bed was too soft.
27:18But the third bed was just right.
27:24Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
27:26And look at here, y'all.
27:28There she is.
27:30Papa Bear, what are you doing back so soon?
27:33It's my house out of me.
27:34I can come and go as I damn well can.
27:36What I want to know is, what you doing in that bed?
27:40I'm just trying to get comfortable.
27:41See, Goldilocks is just trying to get some sleep.
27:45Yeah, well, why don't Goldilocks slide her Goldie Weave over here in my bed?
27:50No, thank you, Mr. Bear.
27:53I think I'll leave.
27:55Hold up, hold up, hold up.
27:55Now, where you going?
27:56The party's just getting started.
27:58I don't think so, Mr. Bear.
28:00Oh, I did something.
28:02You can sit your lazy ass in my chair, eat the last of my damn parts, but not my bed.
28:05It ain't good enough for you no more.
28:07Mr. Bear, let's just finish the story.
28:09Oh, I can finish the story.
28:11Papa Bear came home, found Goldilocks in the wrong bed, and he busted her butt good.
28:14Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, now, Adame.
28:23Both of us know Goldilocks and know nothing about no Buddhistic chant, now.
28:27So eat some cake.
28:27I don't want it.
28:28Eat some cake, now.
28:29I said I don't want it.
28:29I don't want it.
28:30I said eat some cake, Adame.
28:33What you laughing at, Mama Bear, huh?
28:35You better take your lazy ass on in the kitchen and cook something besides some damn porridge.
28:39Maybe meet with collard greens, candy, or something.
28:41Get on out of here.
28:46Anyway, Goldilocks came back the next day.
28:48She apologized, slept in his bed.
28:50He married her, wrote her some new songs, and she sang every damn one of them just like
28:52I told her to.
28:53Now go on, I told her to come.
28:53Let me just go.
28:55Thanks again for watching Turning Family Classes.
28:58Isn't it fun?
29:17You're not watching me at TV.
29:19Hi.
29:31Hey.
29:31Hey.
29:32So, you ready?
29:33Yeah.
29:34Come on.
29:34Let's go.
29:35Oh, I thought I was finally going to get to meet your parents.
29:36They're out.
29:37They're asleep.
29:38What?
29:39They're out cold.
29:40Sleeping.
29:40Oh, not so fast, boy, Linder.
29:43Mark, you're not getting out of here without us meeting your new gal, pal.
29:46Hi, Mrs. Linder.
29:47I'm Jamie.
29:48Mr. Linder, it's nice to meet you.
29:50I've heard a lot about you both.
29:51Yeah, we've got to get going, though, okay?
29:53So, why don't we just go?
29:53What's your hurry?
29:54Just sit yourselves down here.
29:56I got a pot of Sanka brewing.
29:57I know, Mom, but we're already late.
29:59Oh, no, we've got a few minutes.
30:00So, you're on your way to Big Beaver.
30:03Big Bear, Mom.
30:04Big Bear.
30:04Oh, you're just in time for the Big Bear Bowl.
30:07Yeah, they got square dancing, and you can make your own buckskin wallet.
30:10Wow, that sounds like fun.
30:12And you've got to check out that Big Beaver ceramic kiln.
30:15Last year, I made an ashtray right next to that little radar from M.A.S.H.
30:18Oh, my goodness.
30:20Well, it's supposed to be freezing up there, so we probably won't even leave the cabin.
30:26Oh!
30:28Oh, wait, wait, wait, what cock-a-doodle do?
30:30He looks like your number one son's a chip off the old block.
30:34And if he is, you're in for quite the workout, young lady.
30:37And I thank you very much.
30:39And you're very welcome.
30:40My little shiver train.
30:41Captain Lincoln.
30:42Mom, Dad, you are embarrassing.
30:45He's just uptight because he's still a virgin.
30:47I am not.
30:48It's such a lie.
30:49I've done it tons of times.
30:51I wouldn't expect too much from him that first night.
30:53In other words, when you speak about this to your classmates, and you will, be kind.
30:57Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
30:59Yeah, and I think we should get going.
31:00Oh, no, no, no, don't get us wrong.
31:01He's anatomically correct and everything.
31:02Yeah, he's got all his parts, except for he's missing that little patch of hair.
31:06He was going bald, so they took some from the downstairs cocoa to the upstairs cocoa.
31:11Dad, you're going to ruin everything.
31:13Joel, show a little tact.
31:15Hey, Mark, did you pack your mouth kit with a little tongue scraper?
31:18He gets the skank breath around morning time.
31:21Oh, he does?
31:21Yeah.
31:22Who does it?
31:23And did you two pack all your supplies, wink, wink, supplies?
31:27Rubbers, condoms, Vietnamese raincoats.
31:30You can't have your cobra throwing up without a barf bag.
31:35These are my parents.
31:36Aren't they great?
31:37Hey, you know what you've got to do?
31:39You've got to show her how to play cat burglar.
31:40No.
31:41Cat burglar?
31:41Oh, look out.
31:42Here comes the cat burglar.
31:44I'm going to get the family jewels.
31:45Mom, just leave me alone.
31:46Leave me alone.
31:47I'll get you to shut up for once.
31:49Damn Sam, Mark.
31:51Now you'll make your mother say, damn Sam, get over here.
31:53Get him, good Joe.
31:54I'm going to tear it up.
31:55You know what?
31:56Actually, I'm going to wait in the car.
31:57Jamie, don't go.
31:58Yeah, we'll calm down here.
31:59Mark, get up.
32:00Be a man.
32:00Hug sandwich, Jamie.
32:02Mark, you're the meat.
32:03There you go.
32:03Hug sandwich always makes it better.
32:06Nanny.
32:07There we are.
32:08You two have fun.
32:09Yeah, run along.
32:10You're going to hit traffic.
32:10Skadoodle.
32:11Okay, well, it was nice meeting you both.
32:13It was our pleasure.
32:14Okay, bye.
32:17I hate them.
32:18Our son's growing up, Connie.
32:21Look at those two.
32:22Aren't they sweet?
32:23Hey, Jamie, don't be shy about going south on Mark.
32:26Drives a Linderman wild.
32:29More, Mrs. Harris.
32:32Give me a man with a slow hand.
32:40And now, from the vault of Turner Family Classics,
32:43we rejoin the three little pigs with Ike and Tina Turner
32:46already in publish.
32:47Come here, pig.
32:48Come here, you damn pig.
32:51Little pig, little pig.
32:53Let Ike in.
32:56Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.
33:00That's all right.
33:00I'll tell you what I'm going to do now.
33:01I'm going to huff and I'm going to puff
33:03and I'm going to put this damn cigarette out
33:04and I'm going to tear this house.
33:08You are ruining this for us, Mr. Wolf.
33:11It's always me out of me.
33:12It's always me.
33:13Now, remember, Mr. Wolf, you can't get in this house.
33:17It's brick.
33:17You've got to go down the chimney.
33:19Oh, ain't there something.
33:20What, I'm Santa Claus now?
33:21I'm Santa Claus?
33:22I'll show you who.
33:23I ain't no Santa Claus.
33:25That is it.
33:26Oh, that is it.
33:27I will not let you treat me this way, Ike.
33:30I will not be the other white meat.
33:32It is on now.
33:33Oh, what you going to do, Warner?
33:34You ain't got nothing.
33:35Oh, let me go.
33:36Oh, come on.
33:38Is that all you've got?
33:42The little pig left the wolf
33:43and not only does she have a brick house,
33:45but she's got a condo in Florida
33:47and a villa in Europe
33:48with an electrified fence
33:50and a wolf-killing dog.
33:52And she lived there forever after
33:53doing movies like Beyond Thunderdome
33:55and it's for the wolf
33:56who is a damn about the wolf.
33:59Close the curtain.
34:00End of story.
34:00Thanks for tuning in
34:03to another episode of
34:04Turner Family Classes.
34:36Well, Grandma, I should get going
34:49because I have to, you know...
34:51Oh, no, dear.
34:51Just stay a little while longer.
34:53I'm having such a lovely visit.
34:56Okay.
34:57Okay.
35:03Hey, you want me to turn the television on?
35:04We could watch some TV.
35:06No, I can't see it.
35:08It's all just a bunch of blurs.
35:11I thought you had that operation
35:12to help your eyesight.
35:14Well, I couldn't afford the operation
35:16that would let me see clearly,
35:17so I went in for the one
35:19that would make me see blurs.
35:22What's the point of an operation
35:24that makes you see blurs?
35:26Well, it was something to do.
35:29Well, I could take you out sometime.
35:31Maybe go to the park or something.
35:32Well, no, dear.
35:33This is what I like.
35:35Just visiting with my grandson.
35:38Yeah, this is great.
35:44Would you mind sitting just a bit closer?
35:47The blurs, you know.
35:48Just a wee bit closer.
35:57I want to be able to see your sweet face.
36:05Closer.
36:06I could turn the radio on.
36:07This way we can listen to some music, huh?
36:09No, that's a lovely idea,
36:12but it all just sounds like mosquitoes.
36:13Mosquitoes, huh?
36:19Would you mind just sitting a bit closer?
36:22You're starting to sound like a mosquito.
36:25I'll just talk louder.
36:34Dear,
36:35you're not thinking about killing me
36:38and burying me in the basement, are you?
36:41What?
36:42You're not thinking about
36:44taking a brick
36:45and smashing in the back of my skull
36:47and dragging me by my ankles,
36:49my head thumping against every step,
36:53and then burying me in the basement, are you?
36:56Of course not, Grandma.
36:58What makes you say a thing like that?
37:00Well, it's what I was thinking.
37:02You were thinking about me killing you?
37:04Oh, no, dear.
37:06I was thinking about me killing you
37:09and then burying you in the basement.
37:12Of course, I don't think I could drag you by your heels.
37:15I'd have to hire someone,
37:17some ne'er-do-well,
37:19to drag you down and bury you in the basement.
37:21Of course, then I'd kill him, too,
37:23and bury you both in the same hole.
37:25What the hell are you talking about?
37:29This is insane!
37:30You want to kill me?
37:32Oh, no, dear me, no.
37:35It's just that when you get old,
37:37you start to think about death.
37:39Grandma, you're not thinking about death.
37:41You're thinking about murder.
37:43Oh, I know, dear.
37:45Just now, I was thinking about taking a big knife,
37:48maybe the one we used to carve the turkey with,
37:50I'm stabbing you in the neck,
37:52in one side and out the other.
37:54Oh, look, you're freaking me out here, Grandma.
37:57I think you need some help.
37:58Well, I already said I'd need help
38:00to drag you into the basement.
38:01No, I mean a psychiatrist.
38:03You're talking sick stuff here.
38:05Oh, no, it's all just talk.
38:08I don't have the strength for anything anymore.
38:10Yeah, well, I gotta go.
38:13What, no kiss goodbye?
38:20Let me see your hands.
38:25Oh, you caught me.
38:28You're the devil.
38:30I'm the devil?
38:30I'm out of here.
38:32See you at Christmas then.
38:34Yeah, I'll see you at your funeral,
38:35you stupid little...
38:36Oh, this one's gonna be tough.
38:41He's much smarter than his father.
38:46Here, kitty, kitty.
38:48Here, kitty, kitty.
38:50Hey, how many times have you said to yourself,
39:03jeez, I wish I had some rabbit-covered furniture,
39:05but it's just so darn expensive?
39:06Oh, lots of times, Big Carl.
39:07Oh, come out of here, Big Carl.
39:09Well, not anymore,
39:10because now Big Carl's Fancy Family
39:12Rabbit Fur Furniture Frenzy,
39:13we're practically giving the stuff away.
39:15You mean everything?
39:16I sure do.
39:17Take this beautiful bookcase here
39:19covered in genuine Arizona jackrabbit.
39:21All I know is, if I was a book,
39:23I couldn't think of a cozier place I'd want to be.
39:25Same here.
39:26If I was a book, I'd think the same thing, too.
39:28Well, it just makes sense.
39:29And tell them what else they get, Lucinda.
39:31Every Big Carl's customer gets a free,
39:33genuine, lucky rabbit's foot.
39:35Absolutely free.
39:39Now, normally, an item like this would cost $1,200,
39:42but now at Big Carl's,
39:44I'm giving it away for just $40.
39:46Did you say $40?
39:47You heard me.
39:48That's a lot less.
39:50Now, take this antique French provincial coffee table
39:53with the patented Big Carl cottontail finish.
39:55Mmm, that's smoother than...
39:57That's smoother than...
39:58Well, that's smoother than a hamster.
39:59Yeah, smoother than a hamster.
40:01Now, an item like this would normally cost $32,000,
40:06but now at Big Carl's, again, just $40.
40:09Gee, Big Carl, how do you do it?
40:10Volume!
40:11We kill, like, millions of these suckers every week,
40:13so we'll cover anything with them.
40:16Okay, now, there's people out there
40:17who say Big Carl is cruel to rabbits,
40:18but no way, Jose.
40:19These little fellas don't feel a thing.
40:21Not the way I kill them.
40:24All right, maybe there's the odd time
40:25you don't whack them right on the first hip,
40:27but for the most part, I got it down to a pure science.
40:29Oh, it's true, he does.
40:30So hurry down to Big Carl's, now.
40:33And don't worry about those wackos out front,
40:35because I've hired extra security.
40:38Woo!
40:40It's Big Carl's fancy family rabbit
40:48for a furniture frenzy,
40:49today only through Saturday.
40:57Please come back and do the show.
41:00Oh!
41:02The funny just doubled on this car.
41:05Just doubled on this car.
41:06Woo!
41:07You want me!
41:21You want me!
41:26You want me!
41:27Well, that's our show.
41:31I had a lot of fun here at MADtv,
41:33and I know you did, too.
41:34Thanks, Cass.
41:34I hope you'll have me back some other time.
41:36Thank you so much.
41:36You're wonderful.
41:38Thank you!
41:39All right.
41:40Thank you, baby.
41:42Orlando!
41:44Hold it out here, honey.
41:45Bye!
41:49Oh!
41:50Oh, yeah!
41:51Oh, yeah!
41:52Oh, yeah!
41:54Finally.
41:54Oh, thank you very much.
41:56You're very welcome.
41:57I'm kidding.
41:58You put it on for me.
42:00Oh, I'm sorry.
42:00You're very handsome.
42:02Dance!
42:02Would you like now I have this dance?
42:09Well done.
42:09Certainly.
42:12Let me leave.
42:14Can I leave?
42:15Can I leave?
42:16Yes, of course.
42:16Thank you, thank you.
42:42Woo!
42:43Woo!
42:44Woo!
42:45Woo!
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