MADtv S02E17

Mad TV

Season 2 Episode 17  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:00On the next MADtv, a funeral home that knows how to cut corners.

00:06Oh my God!

00:06What, it's not your husband?

00:07No, it is my husband.

00:09Frank was over six feet tall.

00:12And a relationship guru with some helpful hints.

00:14When a man says, honey, I could go for a big steak sandwich right now,

00:18what he's really saying is, I'm hungry and would like to put food in my stomach.

00:25Next on MADtv.

00:26You are now watching MADtv.

00:30You are now watching MADtv.

00:36MAD!

00:38And now it's time for a Black History Minute with Professor Mandrake Tyler.

00:43Up until 1920, train coupling was a dangerous business.

00:48Porters would have to hold the latches open with their hands while the trains backed into each other.

00:52Then, Andrew Beard, a young black railroad worker, came upon the idea of a latch that coupled itself without any formal training in engineering.

01:04I mean, all right, good.

01:07The white people should have tuned out by now.

01:10We only got about a minute, so come on.

01:12Here's this week's update to the list of things that scare white people to death.

01:15Get your pencils ready.

01:19Number 20, Ebonics.

01:25Yeah.

01:26That's got them all upset.

01:27They thought it was cute when it was a scene in the movie Airplane.

01:30Next, after a 30-year run at number one, thanks to that sellout Clarence Thomas, affirmative action falls to number 19.

01:40Right under, Tiger Woods.

01:44They're going to be carrying our bags in a minute.

01:45Watch.

01:47All right, let me keep this going.

01:48Uh, 17, Million Man March.

01:5116, next year's Million Man March.

01:54Only this time, no warning.

01:55Just a million brothers showing up on some white guy's front lawn.

01:5715, brothers in prison.

02:0414, brothers not in prison.

02:0813, black men in parking lots.

02:1112, black men standing behind you at the ATM.

02:17Although I do have to admit that sometimes that even gets me kind of...

02:20Never mind.

02:2211, black men in elevators.

02:2510, hockey.

02:2711, hockey.

02:30Wait, I'm sorry.

02:30That's off the list of things that scare black people.

02:34All right, let's keep this going.

02:35Black History Month.

02:37Jet Magazine.

02:39Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.

02:42Marky Mark.

02:44Westside!

02:45Yeah!

02:46Suge Night.

02:50UPN's Monday Night Lineup.

02:52And holding at number two, riots.

02:56And the number one fear of every single white person in America, next year's riots.

03:01Only this time, don't burn up your own neighborhood.

03:05Come on, people.

03:06Organize.

03:07Carpool.

03:08Borrow a bus.

03:09Just get to a rich white neighborhood, then start breaking stuff.

03:14I mean, you know what I'm saying?

03:15Get in there.

03:17Jack them up.

03:19All right, that's it.

03:20Same time next week.

03:23And to this day, train coupling is a safe operation thanks to a young black man's ingenuity.

03:29This has been a Black History Minute.

03:33And now we return to Driving Miss Daisy.

03:59And now we return to Driving Miss Daisy.

04:29And now we return to Driving Miss Daisy.

04:31Yeah.

04:39Hello, everybody.

04:40Please put your hands together for a member of the nonstop Fox family, a very talented actor on Melrose Place, Mr. Thomas Calabro.

04:53Thank you very much.

04:56Hi.

04:57Welcome to MADtv.

04:59You know, as a cast member of Melrose Place, I usually get asked two questions by fans of the show.

05:05One is, what's Heather Locklear like in bed?

05:08Well, she's great, or at least that's what I tell her.

05:11And two, what's going to happen next on this show?

05:14Now, you know, my contract forbids me from revealing any upcoming plots of Melrose, but,

05:19well, you know, I can't hold it in anymore, so I'm sorry, Aaron Spelling, you can fire me if you want, but, but here goes.

05:26Now, you know, my character, Michael Mancini, is currently married to Megan, who's a former prostitute,

05:31whom my ex-wife Kimberly introduced me to because she thought she was dying of a brain tumor.

05:35Now, Michael is still upset at Peter Burns, you know, the less good-looking one, because he was made,

05:41he was made chief of staff at Wilshire Memorial Hospital.

05:46So, Michael decides to get back at Peter by sleeping with Peter's wife, Amanda.

05:51Heather Locklear again.

05:53Okay, now, Peter plots with special guest star Carol Channing coming on the show.

05:58Yeah.

05:59She's going to kidnap Kimberly and re-stimulate the brain tumor so her head will explode.

06:06However, the brain tumor, it turns out to be a biochip planted by aliens from the planet Plaxor.

06:13Yeah, we're not going as far out as we have in the past.

06:16Now, when Peter tries to stimulate the brain tumor, the biochip achieves consciousness,

06:21and using Kimberly's DNA, it clones itself, it slithers out of Kimberly's ear,

06:27and it grows into a human form during the commercial break.

06:33Now, this is all true stuff. I am not kidding here.

06:37Now, the biochip clone named Ariel is played by special guest star Suni Previn in her acting debut.

06:45Ariel gets a job at Shooters, where she creates a master race of mutant, biologically perfect cyborgs.

06:52Meanwhile, Amanda, oh, man, she loses a really important account at the agency.

06:57So, then, after a lot of other stuff happens, I end up defeating the mutant cyborgs,

07:04and, um, well, oh, oh, wait, wait, I'm, uh, I see some Fox executives are running toward me.

07:09Um, you know, we're going to have a great show, so stick around, okay?

07:13I've got about 30 seconds before I have to do my funny bits, so.

07:25See ya.

07:26Isn't it fun?

07:27You are not watching her TV.

07:34What, baby?

07:34You're going to be a comedy show.

07:36August 14th.

07:40I feel that my relationship with Cha-Cha the Gorilla gets more intimate every day,

07:45and that we are on the verge of a tremendous breakthrough.

07:48Aside from being able to communicate with her through the sign language that I have so painstakingly taught her,

07:54our intuitive communication also grows, almost reaching human levels.

07:59Today, several eager students join us so that they may learn more about our deeply satisfying relationship.

08:08Now, the key to working with a primate like Cha-Cha is to understand and respect her needs as if they were your own.

08:17Cha-Cha, would you like to show the nice people how smart you are?

08:20What Cha-Cha is saying is welcome, and she's very thrilled to have you all here.

08:30Now, as you can see, Cha-Cha's skills are mathematical as well as verbal.

08:35Cha-Cha, I want you to listen carefully and sign your answer to Polly.

08:39How much is five minus three?

08:43That's right, two.

08:45Good, Cha-Cha.

08:46Good, there you go.

08:48Good, Cha-Cha.

08:49Yes, Donna.

08:51Uh, I know sign language, and she actually didn't sign anything.

08:55She just screamed.

08:56I mean, it seems like she's just angry or something.

08:58Uh, dear, I think you can trust me to interpret her communications.

09:02I've also taught Cha-Cha to help me tell you a joke.

09:05Cha-Cha, would you like to help me tell our friends a joke?

09:10Okay, then.

09:11Good.

09:13Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

09:17That's right, to hold up the pants.

09:22Good, Cha-Cha.

09:23Good.

09:24Uh, excuse me again.

09:25Yes, Donna.

09:25I know sign language, and from what I could just translate, she just said, poly-sit-cha-cha-face.

09:33Um, yes, well, why don't we hold our translations until after we receive our PhD, shall we?

09:38Well, yes, but it's very clear.

09:39Poly-sit-cha-cha's face.

09:41Face-sit-sit.

09:43There's no other way to translate that.

09:45Oh, my, the naivete of the graduate student.

09:48Cha-Cha, what would you like to do now?

09:53Okay, fine.

09:54A story and a nap it is.

09:57Good, Cha-Cha.

09:58Okay, class, we don't want to overstimulate Cha-Cha, so that's all the time we have today.

10:02Oh, Cha-Cha, you must be very tired.

10:04See, well, same time tomorrow.

10:07Oh, Cha-Cha.

10:08Oh, Cha-Cha, don't touch that.

10:10It's private.

10:12Cha-Cha.

10:14Oh, Cha-Cha.

10:16Cha-

10:17Oh.

10:19August 16th.

10:21Breakthrough today.

10:23Cha-Cha finally get nice-nice from Pali.

10:27Cha-Cha teach Pali now.

10:40Oh, Mrs. Connolly.

10:48Hi, I'm very sorry that I'm late.

10:50Oh, that's quite all right.

10:52Mr. Wallace?

10:53Yes?

10:53Could you bring Mr. Connolly in, if you would?

10:55Of course.

10:57Mr. Marlette, I wanted to thank you again for your very reasonable rates.

11:02My husband and I were never very well off, what with him never actually getting the promotion

11:08to head janitor, and, well, I was concerned that he wouldn't have a decent burial.

11:14Yes, well, our feeling has always been that the funeral business shouldn't simply be about

11:19making money.

11:19People are grieving.

11:20People are in pain.

11:21Ah!

11:22Here we are.

11:24What is it?

11:25Isn't it lovely?

11:26This must be the demonstration model.

11:32Oh, no, no.

11:33This is your husband.

11:34You see, to me, a pseudo-mahogany says elegance without overstating itself.

11:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

11:39Let's see, this can't be, Frank.

11:41This is too small.

11:45Well, it looks small from a distance.

11:49We're four feet away.

11:51Exactly.

11:51Mrs. Connolly, it's called perspective.

11:53You see, the farther away something is, the smaller it appears.

11:57But when you come closer, voila!

12:02No, no, it's definitely still too small.

12:06Yes, but it is larger than it was.

12:09Can I please look inside?

12:10Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Wallace.

12:12Oh, my God!

12:13What, it's not your husband?

12:14No, it is my husband.

12:16Oh, well, then there's not a problem.

12:17No, no, Frank was over six feet tall.

12:21Oh!

12:21Mrs. Connolly, please, please don't be offended by this, but is it possible that your husband

12:32wore lifts?

12:35My husband played college basketball.

12:38Oh, what position?

12:39What difference does it make?

12:41Well, guards are generally smaller.

12:43Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

12:45Now I know why your rates are so low.

12:48Excuse me?

12:49You chop up the bodies so that you can fit them into those tiny caskets!

12:53Now, Mrs. Connolly, did I mention that the casket would be surrounded by floral arrangements

12:58that will give it a certain largeness?

13:00I demand to know what you've done with his legs.

13:03Whose legs?

13:03My husband's legs.

13:05Oh, with all due respect, Mrs. Connolly, what would I possibly want with your husband's legs?

13:09I already have to.

13:11Yes.

13:12I want you to go into that back room or wherever you store your leftovers.

13:17I want you to find my husband's legs, sew him back together, and put him into a regular-sized coffin.

13:22Okay, Mrs. Connolly, I think you're taking...

13:24Do it now or I will call the police!

13:26All right, all right, I'm not promising you anything.

13:29But I will go in the back and snoop around.

13:33And if, as you suggest, there's been some sort of mix-up,

13:36and I do happen to run across your husband's so-called legs,

13:40I'll have them put the body back together and have him placed in a larger,

13:45and might I add, much more expensive casket.

13:49Fine.

13:51Mr. Barla...

13:52Hmm?

13:52When you say more expensive, how much more expensive?

13:58Oh, $8,000.

14:02Oh, Mr. Barla...

14:03Hmm?

14:06And you say this little coffin will be surrounded by flowers?

14:10Oh, yes, yes, Mrs. Connolly, it's going to look wonderful.

14:15Did I tell you we can drape some cloth over the top?

14:17Perhaps with some vertical stripes.

14:19Mr. Wallace, you know, it'll give it length, much length.

14:22Oh, I see.

14:23Just watch this.

14:23Oh, well, look how it's improved.

14:25Oh!

14:25Wait, there it is!

14:26Oh, yes, Mrs. Connolly, it's fine.

14:27Oh, yes, Mrs. Connolly, it's fine.

14:29Just a little tight.

14:30We're not getting back.

14:31We're not getting back.

14:34You're going to say the funniest...

14:36and don't even think about it!

14:49Oh, look, George.

14:55Did you remember this photo?

14:56This was taken the first day I found you.

15:00This is George.

15:02He lived in his natural habitat in the jungle where he was very happy.

15:06He was a good little monkey, but he was always very curious.

15:13Hmm, what a cute monkey.

15:15How can I outwit him?

15:29Don't worry, little fella.

15:30I didn't kill you.

15:31And so George left his jungle habitat for his new home in the city.

15:36The Man in the Yellow Hat sold George to the Man in the Yellow Lab Coat for 50 bucks.

15:44Don't be scared, George.

15:46You're in your new home.

15:48This was a magical place, full of animals George had never seen before,

15:53having the kinds of adventures George had never had in the jungle.

15:57There was Cyclops the Fish, Blinky the Rabbit,

16:00Harry the Hairspray Cat,

16:02Puffy the Smoking Dog

16:04and Jerry the Gerbil,

16:06who was being forced to catch up on some non-stop fots.

16:09Oh, this sure sucks.

16:10Oh, this sure sucks.

16:12Monkey, look, it's your favorite.

16:16Hmm, yeah, yeah.

16:18George was still curious.

16:23George hoped the next day would be more fun.

16:26Thanks to you, Liz Taylor has a new fragrance.

16:33White lesions.

16:35Okay, George, you're next.

16:38This was the moment when George turned from curious to furious.

16:50George feared that the man in the yellow lab coat did not understand him.

16:55So he was determined to make his point.

17:07Finally, he got through to the man in the yellow lab coat.

17:13Then George freed his friends so they could play the games they wanted to play.

17:18Oh, let me tell you, I'm coming down with the bad case of glaucoma.

17:22When the man in the yellow lab coat woke up, he, too, was curious.

17:40The animals decided to let the man in the yellow lab coat have the same kind of fun that they had been having.

17:46The games were stimulating, and even Jerry the gerbil found a cozy new home.

17:59I'm sorry.

18:01I'm sorry.

18:02The animals made sure that the man in the yellow lab coat would never forget this day.

18:08And then you found your way back here.

18:15Remember, George?

18:16Oh, good.

18:18It's music time.

18:19I see you've brought your organ.

18:20Thanks to the animals, the man in the yellow hat and the man in the yellow lab coat would be together forever.

18:34And that's how George wasn't curious anymore.

18:37Hello, and welcome to the Tuesday night meeting.

18:47You know the rules.

18:48No interruptions.

18:50One person speaks at a time.

18:51Now, who would like to share?

18:53A white dog has a brown pocket and a white tail, and I don't know why that is.

18:58Good share.

19:01Now, who would like to go first?

19:03Hi, my name's Karen, and I'm stupid.

19:06Hi, Doug.

19:08Yesterday, I had a relapse.

19:10I was laying in my bathtub, and I was thinking how good some toast would be.

19:14When I woke up, all the paramedics were laughing at me.

19:17How is the toast?

19:19I'm afraid I'm going to do something even stupider tomorrow.

19:23She is stupid.

19:24Hey, listen, stupid.

19:26We don't label people here.

19:27Yeah.

19:28I see we have a stupid newcomer in our midst.

19:36Would you like to share?

19:40I'm Eddie.

19:41Hi, Karen.

19:42Hey.

19:43I'm only here because my friend Tommy.

19:45Present.

19:46For who?

19:47Brought me here, but I'm not stupid, okay?

19:51Okay, everybody, calm down.

19:55Yes, Tommy.

19:56I know I'm stupid.

19:58A year ago, I hit rock bottom.

20:00I was staying outside, and it started to rain, and I didn't come in for a long time, and then

20:03I got hungry, and then I got the flu.

20:08Michael, I think you're just in denial of your stupidity.

20:11And as we all know, denial is certainly not just a river in...

20:16Ohio.

20:16My house?

20:17Letter and character actor Vic Tayback?

20:19Oh.

20:21Yes, Tommy.

20:22Present.

20:23For who?

20:26Now, listen, Eddie.

20:28I used to stare at the sun for hours.

20:31You go, girl!

20:34But my friends here at Stupid Anonymous taught me one thing.

20:37Don't.

20:39Hey, I'll always be stupid.

20:41But now, I take it one tongue in the fan at a time.

20:46Me too!

20:46Ow!

20:47Ow!

20:48Ow!

20:49Ow!

20:50Ow!

20:50Hey, does anyone want any juicy pissy?

20:52That's coffee!

20:53Oh!

20:54Thank you, and I accept your correction.

20:56Whatever.

20:57I'll have some.

20:58Listen, I don't belong here, okay?

20:59I sell real...

21:00Oh!

21:00Ow!

21:01Ow!

21:02Ow!

21:03Ow!

21:04Ow!

21:05Ow!

21:06Ow!

21:07Ow!

21:08Ow!

21:09Good.

21:09Oh, my God.

21:11I am stupid.

21:12Yeah!

21:12I admit it, I'm stupid.

21:13Yeah!

21:14I feel like a thousand pound weight has been put on my shoulders.

21:17Oh!

21:18Congratulations, Mullaney.

21:20Welcome to the Stupid Fellowship.

21:22Yay!

21:23Yeah!

21:23Ow!

21:24Ow!

21:25Ow!

21:26Ow!

21:27Ow!

21:28To help start our week, let's review the 12 Steps of Stupidity.

21:31No!

21:32Was that 12?

21:33Yeah!

21:34That was 12.

21:35Okay.

21:36And that's the end of our meeting.

21:37Good night.

21:40Hello, and welcome to Stupid Anonymous.

21:42You know the rules.

21:44No options.

21:45Every week you go.

21:47You got that!

21:49Woo!

21:52Coming up on MADtv.

21:53MADtv.

21:54I'm the only gay-esky boy.

21:56Well, I'm the only one I know.

21:59Men have penises.

22:01Women don't.

22:03You need your rights.

22:05You need your rights.

22:06You need your rights.

22:07Capulani rights are simply the best.

22:10Men!

22:11Wonderful dinner, Wendy.

22:12Yeah, this is delicious.

22:13Thanks, you two.

22:14It's nice to see somebody likes it.

22:15I like it.

22:16I like it.

22:17I like it.

22:18Don't be sarcastic.

22:19I'm not being sarcastic.

22:20I'm not being sarcastic.

22:21I guess you are.

22:22So, you two, how was your vacation?

22:23Where'd you go?

22:24Acapulco.

22:25Oh!

22:26Did you see the cliff divers?

22:27Oh, my God, they were amazing.

22:28Honey, you're interrupting.

22:29Sorry.

22:30I'm sorry.

22:32You're interrupting.

22:33I'm sorry.

22:34I'm sorry.

22:35I'm sorry.

22:36I'm sorry.

22:37I'm sorry.

22:38I'm sorry.

22:39I'm sorry.

22:40I'm sorry.

22:41I'm sorry.

22:42I'm sorry.

22:43I'm sorry.

22:44I'm sorry.

22:45I'm sorry.

22:46I'm sorry.

22:47I'm sorry.

22:48you're interrupting okay anyway a really funny thing happened to us when we were on the beach

22:58no no please don't tell that tell it tell it don't interrupt

23:03okay um well uh lana was swimming and i'm on the beach

23:13and lana comes out of the water this guy's swim trunks on her head

23:20a guy's swim trunks on her head right on my head honey would you let bill tell the story i am

23:28yes i am we're here in the story it's not like we're not here in the story

23:31go on bill go on honey what can i speak to you in the kitchen for a minute why the kitchen

23:39okay whatever i'll finish the story when you get back

23:51oh go ahead finish the story bill

23:57okay anyway uh lana's got these uh

24:02these swim trunks on her head she doesn't even know it which is the best part

24:07i have no idea paul eat your dinner

24:11eat your dinner stupid dinner all right i want to see you in the kitchen right now

24:26worry about that where were you go ahead

24:28paul are you okay he's fine go ahead with the story what did you say to him nothing bill just

24:39finish the story wendy you obviously said something i mean look at the guy bill can i talk to you in the

24:46kitchen no please i don't want to make a scene okay whatever um look i'll be right back honey okay

25:00bill bill bill so what did you do with what the swim trunks forget the swim trunks what did you

25:17say to my husband nothing lana just go on with the story no lana don't be a fool tell the story bill bill

25:23what did she say to you talk to me lana the story bill lana can i speak to you in the kitchen

25:32okay fine but you know what maybe i'll give you a talking to in the kitchen you know what i want

25:38to see you in the kitchen wendy well i see everybody's finished dinner can i get anybody some coffee

25:52i said can i get anybody some coffee stupid coffee all right that's it i want to see you all in the

26:01kitchen right now

26:15here to perform the song eskimo from their self-titled cd please welcome corky and the juice pigs

26:22the song we'd like to play for you now there's a little ballad that we wrote years ago while on

26:28tour in the yukon i'm the only gay eskimo i'm the only one i know i'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe

26:43i go out seal hunting with my best friend tarka but all i want to do is get into his parka i'm the only

26:53gay eskimo in my tribe well me and nukfluck chuck buck we both like blubber but me i've got this crazy

27:05fetish fetish for robber i'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe i make a wish on the northern lights

27:17that i could find a decent pair of whale skin ties i'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe

27:26and the seals they sing now

27:34these cold winter nights are taking their toll i even get excited when i see the north pole

27:42see the north pole see the north pole i'm the only gay eskimo only gay eskimo

27:50i'm the only one i know i'm the only one i never i'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe

27:58like bob dylan i'm the only gay eskimo

28:15i'm the only one i know i'm the only gay eskimo

28:22like ricko casick from the cars i'm the only gay eskimo

28:33i'm the only gay eskimo

28:35and she used to be my eye eye eye eye like oasis

28:39i'm the only gay eskimo

28:43like van morrison

28:47i'm the only gay eskimo

28:51i ain't seen it coming on the street i'm a ton i guess i'm

28:55jesus christ fits in there somehow as well

28:59and the crack was good

29:00well i'm the only gay eskimo

29:02only gay eskimo

29:04i'm the only one i know

29:06the only one i know

29:07i'm the only gay eskimo

29:10in my tribe

29:17it's part of the beauty that goes into mad tv

29:30it involves dying it involves curling it involves rest

29:34which is more really uh more important than than funny sometimes

29:45trial tv now rejoins the trial of reverend lamont fatback who's been

29:48allegedly using his sunday morning services to advertise products

29:51he's been charged with violating his non-profit status by taking illegal

29:54kickbacks from local businesses

29:58very well mr prosecutor you may continue your questioning

30:01thank you your honor reverend fatback you have described yourself as a poor

30:07country preacher i'm proud of it sir

30:09yes somehow you've managed to be able to afford this expensive imported italian suit

30:16you see mr prosecutor the bible tells us not everything is as it appears

30:23and we must find the scruff

30:27i said that we must find the scruff

30:31get to the point search for the truth

30:33for example this expensive italian suit that you refer to was purchased for a meal 79.95

30:43that j and r's famous brand name clothes for layers

30:47your honor

30:48three alterations done on the premises

30:51he is doing it again

30:52what the animal in size is a petite to triple exhale

30:57reverend fatback this is your last one and you will confine your answers to the

31:02prosecution's questions

31:03i will sir

31:09and no more commercial interruption

31:12yes

31:18reverend is it not true that you yourself lobbied to have this very trial shown on television

31:24so that you could advertise your products to the viewers at home

31:27absolutely not in order to finance the lavish lifestyle to which you have grown accustomed

31:36i am but a humble servant to the lord

31:41well according to these receipts this humble servant just returned from a six-week luxury vacation in hawaii

31:49your honor i've made a commitment to spread the word of jesus around the world

31:57it had come to my attention that sin was running rampant down in wakiki and some of the neighborhoods

32:02dune buggies they got sinners on the beach

32:09surfboards and sinners on the water scuba equipment and sinners underwater

32:19i rest my case

32:23all right reverend i see here you've decided to defend yourself thank you your honor everything to say

32:29regarding these allegations your honor the so-called lavish lifestyle that the prosecution refers to is

32:38nothing more than a fabrication of the reality of the situation

32:42and i can prove it do i have a witness

32:45i said do who i have ha ha ha ha a witness hallelujah

32:57you're late i hit traffic

32:59very well miss put your hand on the bible you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the

33:04truth i speak the word of the lord your honor and if that isn't the truth i don't know what is

33:09okay well reverend you may begin now sister gilmore amen the prosecution has implied that i lead a lavish

33:21lifestyle case and point a certain trip to the beautiful state of hawaii you were there oh in

33:29separate rooms your honor

33:30okay please tell the courts of the trials and tribulations we endured to minimize our expense on

33:41this here pilgrimage well your honor you know how things can be expensive in that part of the world

33:47now that is a fact so we searched and searched trying to find the cheapest hotel accommodations

33:53available until the lord brought us to the hotel capolani

34:07oh

34:21oh

34:49oh

34:57are you people trying to tell me that you got a hotel room in waikiki for only 59.95 a night

35:05with breakfast and a complimentary my ties included

35:19you two

35:32you've read his best-selling book men are from mars women are also from mars just another part now

35:40Dr. H. Paul Flavin is coming to your town to answer the hard questions about relationships between men and women.

35:46Men have penises. Women don't.

35:50Stop your pathetic fumbling in the dark and let Dr. Flavin shine a light on the miscommunication between men and women.

35:57Women like to talk, except when they're listening.

36:01Dr. Flavin's discoveries will rock your world and change your life forever.

36:05Men have skin that's rough. They grow thick, rough hairs on their face called whiskers.

36:14Women generally don't, except for some swimmers.

36:17Dr. Flavin will answer the tough, scary questions about love in the 90s that you've been too terrified to even think about.

36:23Dr. Flavin, sometimes my husband wants sex and I'm not ready for it.

36:28And then when I am ready for it, he doesn't want it.

36:31How can we both get into sync?

36:33The trick is to figure out when men and women both want sex and have it then.

36:40Let Dr. Flavin break the chains of ignorance that have enslaved men and women since the dawn of time.

36:46When a man says, honey, I could go for a big steak sandwich right now.

36:50What he's really saying is, I'm hungry and would like to put food in my stomach.

36:56Dr. Flavin helped me understand that I am a woman and conversely, my husband is a man who might want a big steak sandwich.

37:04Dr. Flavin helped save my marriage.

37:07That's right, Clarice.

37:09Don't be baffled about the opposite sex.

37:11I'll be coming to Titusville, Florida on July 2nd at the Lincoln Convention Center.

37:17We'll see you there.

37:18Dr. Flavin is coming to save your marriage.

37:21Don't get divorced until he comes to your town.

37:23And remember, if you don't show up, you won't see me.

37:57Okay, boys, they just found out in McLean's body out back to 7-Eleven.

38:05That brings the body count up to nine.

38:09Now, this guy ain't going to stop on his own.

38:10You know what I mean?

38:11Okay, that's what I want to hear.

38:14Because I've got to be honest with you, boys, I'm a little disappointed in your performances so far.

38:18I mean, this guy is a dangerous mad dog killer.

38:21But, unfortunately for us, he is also cute, charming, and lovable.

38:26And that's cost us a couple of men so far.

38:29Now, Elvis, when we're on a manhunt, we do not let the mad dog killer buy us a beer, do we?

38:34That will not happen again.

38:36Damn right it's not.

38:38And Bob.

38:38Oh, Bob, what about this, huh?

38:42Good picture.

38:45You know, this kind of thing can't help but make us look bad, Bob.

38:48Now, Lewis, tell me what I heard isn't true.

38:52What'd you hear?

38:53I heard you had the guy cornered.

38:55You got your gun out, ready to take him down.

38:57And the next thing I hear, you're renting the Star Wars trilogy.

39:01He'd never seen all the way through.

39:03Say he kept falling asleep during the Yoda part.

39:05Oh, jeez, Louise, Lewis.

39:08Now, boys, do I have to show you pictures of the murder victims again?

39:11No.

39:12Okay, then.

39:13Come on.

39:14Sir?

39:14Yes?

39:15I don't know where he is right now, but I do know where he's going to be tonight.

39:18Okay, then.

39:19Where?

39:19Beth and I invited Wally over for supper.

39:23Oh, Wally?

39:24It's short for Wally, sir.

39:25Oh, that's real cute.

39:26Okay, as soon as Wally shows up for supper, we'll nab him.

39:30Oh, what?

39:31Do you boys have a problem with this now?

39:34Sir, I know he's a mad dog killer and all that, but I think he's bringing dessert,

39:39and he stayed up all night making tiramisu.

39:42What are you saying?

39:43We should just let the guy go?

39:45Well, the hell no.

39:46No, no, no.

39:46We still nail the sick bastard.

39:48We should just let him eat first.

39:51All right.

39:54What?

39:56Well, you know how I'm directing the Music Man down at the Civic Center, and I was wondering

40:00if...

40:00No, you're not going to tell me you cast a guy in a role already?

40:03No, no.

40:04Well, not without an audition, but we are talking about the Music Man himself here.

40:07Sir, sir, he's got the sweetest voice.

40:09I mean, it'd be a shame to waste that on prison songs.

40:12What about Lloyd Martin now?

40:13He'd make a great Music Man.

40:15Lloyd Martin?

40:16Sir, did you see him in Pippin?

40:18Oh, yeah, I did.

40:19Okay.

40:20All right.

40:21Well, when does it run to?

40:22Eighth, the next month.

40:23Okay, the eighth ain't going to roll around.

40:25You're going to give me some happy sappy about it being held over.

40:28No, no, no, sir.

40:28We've got to clear out for Disney on Ice.

40:32Okay.

40:32Yeah!

40:33Okay, but here's the way we're going to play it now.

40:35Casper, you get us tickets for the last night.

40:37Right.

40:37Yeah.

40:37Good ones all together.

40:38All right.

40:38Right after the bows, we rush the stage, and boom, we get this guy.

40:42Everybody in.

40:42Yeah!

40:43Okay, I'll see you guys on the eighth.

40:45Stay sharp.

40:45All right.

40:46All right.

40:46Good night, Chief.

40:46Ho, ho, ho.

40:48Is it formal?

40:49You can wear your boots.

40:50And there's your party after.

40:52Okay.

40:53Come on, man.

40:53Keep going.

40:55All right, Lloyd.

40:56We'll take you on the balcony, man.

40:57Come on up, baby.

40:58We're going.

41:02Let's do it.

41:21Let's do it.

41:54Be sure to keep on watching MADtv.

41:56Thank you and good night, everybody.

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