- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 19
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching the TV.
00:05And now, a martial arts moment with two complete idiots.
00:10Here, here, here. I'm here, then here.
00:12Here's one. This ruins your day.
00:14Three, snaps your neck.
00:15One, ruin day.
00:16Three, snap neck.
00:17One, three.
00:18One, three.
00:18Two, no worry.
00:20Snap neck, ruins day.
00:21Out here, here.
00:22Clear it!
00:23That's really, really good.
00:24That's really, really good.
00:25Hey, look.
00:26Look at a little birdie.
00:27Is that a birdie over there?
00:27Look at that.
00:28Here!
00:28Okay, never, ever fall for the bird decoy.
00:30I got a whole country of possibilities right here.
00:33That's a great bird, man.
00:34Great bird.
00:34How do you do that?
00:34Like this?
00:35Is that it?
00:35No, no, no.
00:36That's a duck.
00:37Ducks are good decoys.
00:38For hunting, not for the martial arts.
00:39You got to tuck the thumb.
00:41Birdie!
00:42Birdie!
00:42Birdie!
00:42Ha!
00:43Okay!
00:44Clear it!
00:44So you got to make it.
00:47Oh!
00:48Yeah!
00:49Yeah!
00:50Yeah!
00:51Yeah!
00:52Oh!
00:52Come on!
00:53Come on!
00:53Hey!
00:54Oh!
00:54Come on!
00:55Yeah!
00:56Yeah!
00:56Yeah!
00:57Oh!
00:57Come on!
00:57Come on!
00:58King Deus!
00:59You're so crazy.
01:04Man, you're so crazy
01:23You're gonna be one
01:26If I'm not watching the TV
01:52Hi! And welcome to the show!
01:54You've got a good show.
01:56It is going to be a funny show.
01:58We hope you like the surprises in the show.
02:00So watch the show!
02:02And enjoy the show!
02:04Come on, show!
02:05Show! Show! Show! Show! Show!
02:06Show! Show! Show! Show! Show!
02:09Show! Show! Show!
02:14Ah, lunch hour.
02:18I love moments like these.
02:20You've been working hard all day,
02:21and then it's just you and your lunch.
02:23Hey, when it comes down to it,
02:25I'm a simple man with simple needs.
02:27I like my work to be challenging.
02:29I like my sex to be a little rough.
02:32I'm not crazy.
02:33I mean, I'm not a jerk about it or anything,
02:35but you know what I mean.
02:37And when it comes to margarine,
02:38I like my margarine
02:40to be spishak.
02:43Spishak margarine is light
02:44sweet and tasty.
02:49Mmm.
02:51Mmm.
02:52And it costs far less
02:54than even the least popular brands.
02:58Sure, there are other margarines out there.
03:00Some may even taste better.
03:01But hey,
03:02I'm a simple man
03:03with simple needs.
03:04And the people at spishak feel,
03:11when you add up taste and price,
03:13well,
03:15spishak beats them all.
03:19Mmm.
03:19There's nothing like working outside
03:22at a tub
03:23of spishak margarine.
03:26Spishak margarine.
03:27It's all you really need.
03:29I don't want to be misunderstood here.
03:31I didn't mean rough sex
03:32like anybody gets hurt or anything.
03:34I'm a simple man.
03:36I just meant
03:36you get into it
03:37more than just doing it.
03:39You are now watching the TV.
04:00Mom, Dad.
04:01There she is.
04:02Hey.
04:03Hi.
04:04It's so good to see you.
04:05It's so good to see you too, Mom.
04:07Hey.
04:07Hey there, Pops.
04:08It's been four years
04:09since we saw you last.
04:10Dad, I saw you last summer.
04:12Oh, it's still been a long time.
04:13Right.
04:14How's Grandma doing?
04:15Oh, she's healthy,
04:16but her mind's gone.
04:17Still acts a little queer
04:18around the nons.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Enough about Grandma.
04:22Look at you.
04:22You look great.
04:23Oh, great.
04:23Though you could have put a comb
04:24through that hair.
04:25Mom, please.
04:27Hey, who's this?
04:28This is my special friend,
04:30Shelly.
04:31Remember I said
04:32I was going to bring her?
04:32Oh, hey.
04:33Nice to meet you both.
04:34Yeah.
04:34Nice grip, Chell.
04:35Hey.
04:36Hope you like barbecue.
04:37Uh, I don't eat meat.
04:39Oh, that's great.
04:41That's great.
04:42That's great.
04:42Listen, I invited Dick Blaine
04:43over, our neighbor.
04:44You're going to love him.
04:45He's a lot of fun.
04:46Why did you invite him over?
04:48You know Mandy
04:48doesn't like Dick.
04:50Oh.
04:50Come on, see him.
04:52So, where did you two meet?
04:59Uh, at a Katie Lang concert.
05:01Yeah.
05:01Oh, they're good.
05:02They're very good.
05:03Yeah.
05:04We hope you're comfortable
05:05when you're here, Shelly.
05:06Uh, Mandy, I've got the guest bedroom
05:07set up with a fold-out bed.
05:09Right, right.
05:09Aren't we sleeping in the same room?
05:11Oh, you still having
05:12your little slumber parties?
05:13No.
05:13Uh, Mom, Dad,
05:17Shelly and I are in love.
05:18You both have boyfriends?
05:20Why did you bring them home?
05:21No, no, no, no, no.
05:22Shelly's the one I'm in love with.
05:24Oh, oh.
05:26Shelly's your boyfriend.
05:28You know, I'm sorry.
05:29With all that hair
05:30all over your son,
05:31you look like a girl.
05:32No, no, no, Dad.
05:33Shelly is a woman
05:34and we're going to be married.
05:36Oh, my God.
05:37You're not pregnant, are you?
05:38No, no.
05:39But we are planning to adopt.
05:41Yeah.
05:41Whoa, whoa, you're not
05:42shooting blanks, are you, son?
05:43Because Dr. Ferguson
05:44has this big machine.
05:45Dad, Dad, Dad, you are not listening.
05:47Shelly is a female.
05:49Oh, he's one of those guys
05:51that's in touch
05:51with his feminine side.
05:52I saw something like it
05:53on Jenny Jones.
05:55Oh, I think it's just wonderful.
05:56You know, Shelly,
05:57we're going to have to get started
05:57on those bachelor party plans.
05:59Oh, yeah.
05:59I know this guy
06:00who knows his broad
06:01who could shoot wiffle balls at,
06:02well, we'll talk about it.
06:04I thought you came out to your parents.
06:05I did, I did.
06:06Hey, why don't we go in the den
06:07and have a man-a-man?
06:08Dad, Dad, Dad,
06:09Shelly is not a man.
06:10I've never had a relationship
06:11with a man in my life.
06:13Who said anything
06:14about having a relationship
06:15with a woman?
06:16Man!
06:16I said man!
06:17And one hell of a man!
06:19I like him!
06:20Oh, God!
06:20Got my approval.
06:23So, Shelly,
06:23how's the acting going?
06:25Mandy tells us
06:25you're a thesbian.
06:26No!
06:27Lesbian!
06:27She's a lesbian!
06:29I'm a lesbian!
06:30Remember when I was little
06:31you used to say,
06:31Mandy, oh, you're such a tomboy.
06:33And I'd say,
06:34no, Mom, I'm not a tomboy.
06:35I'm a lesbian!
06:37Why don't you guys
06:38get it through your heads!
06:39I am gay!
06:41Well, you should be ashamed
06:44of yourself.
06:45Yes, you should.
06:46You have ruined our denial!
06:48You just had to make us face it,
06:50didn't you?
06:51What?
06:51We know you're a lesbian!
06:53We've known since you were
06:54eight years old!
06:55Twenty years of carefully
06:56cultivated obliviousness
06:58shot to heck
06:58in one evening!
06:59We always supported
07:00your lifestyle!
07:01Why do you think
07:02we bought you
07:02comfortable shoes?
07:04You guys knew
07:05all this time?
07:05Yeah, we knew.
07:07Our denial
07:07was all we had.
07:09I'm really sorry.
07:10Yeah, well,
07:12it's a little late
07:12for apologies,
07:13myself.
07:15Wait a minute, Mandy.
07:16Uh, Mr. Dunn,
07:17why are we sitting around
07:18wasting time talking
07:19when there's a Bears game on?
07:20I don't know.
07:21Uh, come on,
07:22you can show me
07:23your gun collection
07:23at halftime.
07:24I mean,
07:24you do have a gun
07:25collection,
07:25don't you?
07:26Yeah, yeah.
07:27Right?
07:27Uh, I could show him
07:30my gun collection.
07:31Right.
07:32I'm sure he'd really
07:33like your gun collection.
07:34He, as in him,
07:36would like my gun collection.
07:38Yes, he would.
07:39Yes, he would.
07:39All right, let's go.
07:40Oh, great.
07:41Okay, okay.
07:42Then after this,
07:43I'll play some golf.
07:44Yeah, I like knocking
07:45a couple of balls around.
07:45Great, great.
07:47So, Mommy,
07:49do you like him?
07:50I think he seems great.
07:51Why don't you go
07:52in the kitchen
07:52and help me
07:53with a clam chowder?
07:54Okay, let's go.
07:57Lowered expectations.
08:09Are you desirably impaired?
08:11Do you find yourself
08:12serving pungent parties?
08:14Would you describe yourself
08:15as shy, old-fashioned,
08:16not on anyone's A-list?
08:18Is your ideal date
08:19someone in their early 20s
08:21with a perfect body
08:22and a sparkling personality?
08:23Well, unless you win the lottery,
08:25you're never going to land
08:27that dream book.
08:28But that doesn't mean
08:29you can't find somebody.
08:31And that's why
08:31lowered expectations
08:32may be for you.
08:34Our video library
08:35is packed with thousands
08:37of chronically rejected singles
08:38just like you.
08:40Danielle, number 991.
08:44Um, okay.
08:46Let me just say,
08:48my sister made me do this.
08:49Thank you, Jennifer.
08:50My name is Danielle.
08:54I'm a single white female,
08:56non-smoker,
08:57one bad leg.
08:58Um, okay.
09:00Uh, no fat guys,
09:02no couples,
09:03no bass players,
09:05no photographers,
09:07no English as a second language,
09:09no guys living with their mothers,
09:11no war wounds,
09:12no daddies,
09:13no water sports,
09:16rough trade,
09:17or vegetarians,
09:18no Canadians,
09:20well,
09:21unless they celebrate
09:22Fourth of July,
09:24and, um,
09:25absolutely no,
09:27no mold makers.
09:29Enough of that.
09:32That's about it.
09:33Just a guy who can treat me right
09:34and knows how to get down and dirty.
09:37Okay, listen up, people.
09:53We have a fugitive on our hands,
09:55and he has been on the run
09:56for 90 minutes now.
09:58A man on foot
09:58can cover up to 10 miles
10:00in one hour.
10:01So I want a perimeter set up
10:03of 20 miles.
10:05Inspector, Inspector,
10:06I found meat.
10:08Okay, listen up, people.
10:09A crawling man
10:10bleeding from both stumps
10:11can cover up to 150 yards
10:13in one hour.
10:14So I want a perimeter set up
10:16of 300 yards.
10:18Inspector,
10:18I found this.
10:21A legless man
10:22pulling himself along
10:23with one arm
10:24can cover up to 22 feet
10:26in one hour.
10:28So I want a perimeter set up
10:29of 44 feet.
10:33And remember,
10:34a wounded animal
10:35missing three limbs
10:37is a dangerous animal.
10:38Inspector, Inspector,
10:40this woman said
10:40she wanted to speak with you.
10:42Yeah, thank you.
10:44I just thought
10:44you ought to know
10:45that I was riding my bike
10:47and then I parked it over there
10:48and now it's gone.
10:51Okay, pay attention, people,
10:52because it looks like
10:53our fugitive
10:54has got himself
10:55some wheels.
10:57Now, a man
10:58missing both legs
10:59and one arm...
10:59Inspector, we got him.
11:01He was right over near
11:02where we found his arm
11:03seven legs.
11:03Is everybody okay?
11:05Well, obviously,
11:05we couldn't cuff him
11:06so it took five of us
11:07to pound him in a submission.
11:10We lost some men.
11:11Good cops, too.
11:12But we got the guy.
11:14Well, thank God for that.
11:15Okay, people,
11:15that's good work.
11:16Let's wrap this up.
11:16Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:17What about my bike?
11:18Well, heck,
11:19we're already up.
11:19Might as well do some good work.
11:20We are looking for a bicycle, people.
11:22Yeah.
11:2210th speed or mountain bike?
11:23Sir, sir, I found this.
11:27Is that it?
11:28Yeah.
11:31Okay, people,
11:32that's good work.
11:33Well, I don't know
11:34about y'all,
11:34but I'm hungry.
11:35How's Burger Palace sound?
11:36On me.
11:37Well, all righty then.
11:38Must be about
11:3950 Burger Palaces
11:40in this state.
11:41I want a web formation.
11:42Let's spread out.
11:43We are looking for
11:43the Green Arches, people.
11:44No drive-thru.
11:45No drive-thru.
11:45No drive-thru.
11:45No drive-thru.
11:46No drive-thru.
11:47No drive-thru.
11:48No drive-thru.
11:49No drive-thru.
11:50No drive-thru.
11:51No drive-thru.
11:52No drive-thru.
12:07No drive-thru.
12:08And now,
12:09another martial arts moment.
12:12Whoa!
12:14Okay.
12:15I'm coming at you!
12:16I'm coming at you!
12:18Ah!
12:19Where'd you go?!
12:20Where'd you go?!
12:21Ah!
12:22I made like a tree.
12:23You thought I was a tree.
12:24And then you just went by me.
12:26You didn't see me.
12:26Great freaking tree.
12:27Thanks a lot, man.
12:28Great tree.
12:29Thanks a lot.
12:29Just up here.
12:29Listen, now, how do you do that tree thing?
12:31Is this it?
12:31Is this it?
12:33No, it's a bush.
12:34Just try.
12:35There you go.
12:36That's a tree.
12:37Where'd you go?
12:38Where'd you go?
12:38Ha!
12:39Oh!
12:39See, okay.
12:40I'm a tree.
12:41You're sad.
12:42That was good stuff.
12:43Clearing as a tree.
12:44That's good stuff.
12:45Clearing as a tree.
12:46That was very good stuff.
12:47Forgetting what's around me, clearing as a tree.
12:48That's good, though.
12:49That was a very good way to go.
12:50I can't.
12:50Okay, okay.
12:50Tarantula clear!
12:52Tarantula.
12:53Scorpion clear.
12:54Scorpion clear.
12:55Scorpion clear.
12:56Dolly Parton clear.
12:57John Stamos clear.
13:00Menudo clear.
13:19Okay, all right.
13:48Let's play, okay?
13:49Okay, wait, wait, wait, okay?
13:50One rule, all right?
13:51Um, no tongues.
13:52Ew, sick.
13:53I can't see why we don't kiss in the closet.
13:55No, you're supposed to kiss in front of everybody.
13:57That's the rules.
13:58We don't care.
13:58Let's play, okay?
13:59Okay, go, go, go, go, go.
14:00Oh!
14:02Ah!
14:02Thank you, Sue.
14:03No way!
14:04You can forget.
14:05Okay, okay.
14:06Mark, you still have to go, then.
14:07Go, go, go, go.
14:07All right.
14:09Hey, kids.
14:09Oh!
14:10Hey!
14:10Hey!
14:11Hi, Mr. Forrest.
14:12Hi, Martin.
14:14What you doing?
14:15Nothing.
14:15Well, what the heck?
14:18You call this a party?
14:19Dad, it's okay.
14:21Well, you should be playing games, going crazy.
14:24Should I go up and get Pictionary?
14:25Uh, that's okay.
14:28Boggle?
14:29No, thanks.
14:30How about get up, can I?
14:31We're fine, Daddy.
14:33Well, we've got to do something.
14:34It's like a morgue in here.
14:37I know.
14:38I know.
14:40Prank phone calls.
14:41Prank phone calls.
14:42Huh?
14:42Huh?
14:43Huh?
14:43Huh?
14:44Huh?
14:44Matthew, come on over here.
14:50Okay, son.
14:51You go nuts.
14:54Hello?
14:56Is your refrigerator running?
14:58Well, catch it.
15:02What's the matter with you?
15:04You call that a prank phone call?
15:06I'll show you a prank phone call.
15:08Mark, what's your home phone number?
15:09My mom says I'm really not supposed to give out my phone number.
15:125-5-5-0-1-8-8.
15:14Oh, you stupid.
15:15Okay.
15:16Okay, here we go.
15:17Up, up, up, up.
15:18Ahem.
15:19Ahem.
15:20Yes.
15:21Is this Mr. Newborn?
15:23Mark's dad?
15:25Uh-huh.
15:26Well, Mark's been in a terrible car accident, and he's dead.
15:30Dad!
15:31Dad!
15:31Ha, ha, ha.
15:32Now that there's a prank phone call.
15:37Okay.
15:39Let's get naked.
15:39What do you say?
15:40Daddy!
15:42Boys, I got a bottle of tequila upstairs.
15:44First one the worm wins.
15:45Uh, Mr. Forrest, we're not allowed to drink because we're too young.
15:50It is never too early to...
15:52My God in heaven, you've filled out nice, haven't you, dear?
15:54Who'd like to take a run at those, huh?
15:56Daddy, please!
15:58Oh, don't you worry, kitten.
15:59Maybe Santa will bring you a pair next Christmas.
16:01Oh, my God!
16:02I got it!
16:04Russian roulette!
16:05Russian roulette, huh?
16:07Huh?
16:07Huh?
16:08Oh, yeah.
16:09Daddy, go!
16:09They're gonna love this.
16:10Who keeps locking my damn gun cabinet?
16:14Len, what are you doing down here?
16:16What?
16:17I'm trying to show these kids how to party.
16:19Go on.
16:20What?
16:21Get your butt upstairs pronto.
16:23What?
16:24They wanted me to!
16:25Daddy, go!
16:29Okay, fine.
16:30I'll go.
16:32Bye-bye now.
16:32Ta-ta.
16:35You'll have to excuse Mr. Forrest, kids.
16:38He means well, but he doesn't have a clue about how you young people like to party.
16:42It's okay.
16:43So, are we gonna have some fun?
16:45Yeah, Miss Forrest.
16:47Okay.
16:51Not again!
16:56You need power.
16:58Give me a dollar!
16:58Coming up on MADtv.
17:18Are you ready for me, gum boy?
17:21I...
17:21I'm Zaney!
17:28I'm Madcap!
17:29With Zaney and Madcap, you'll never know what we'll do!
17:33I'm out!
17:33Go, go, go, go, go!
17:54I am Badudah.
17:56Check this out
18:11But a moment
18:26How do you like me now?
18:42It's been forty years since Gumboy was made
18:46Gumboy!
18:47Now all Gumboy wants to do is get laid
18:51Gumboy!
18:53He'd like sex with anyone
18:55Suck this bony pal poker too
18:58If you've got two legs
19:00Then Gumboy wants sex with you
19:07Hey!
19:08Can I get these?
19:11Gumboy!
19:12This is your dad's room
19:13We're not supposed to be in here
19:15And here's one!
19:19Oh!
19:21Woah!
19:24Wow poker!
19:25Check out the plasticine on her
19:27Gumboy!
19:28Where are you?
19:29Oh!
19:30Oh no!
19:31It's Mom!
19:41Wow!
19:42That's the clayboy mansion
19:44Oh!
19:45Play it on me
19:46Oh!
19:47Play it on me
19:48If you love
19:49That's the word
19:50Oh!
19:51Oh!
19:52Oh!
19:53Oh!
19:54Oh!
19:55Oh!
19:56Look poker!
19:57It's the Claymate of the month!
19:58Hi!
19:59Woah!
20:00Ba-ba-boo!
20:01Yeah!
20:03Oh yeah!
20:04Hello!
20:05I'm Huge Heffer
20:06Welcome to my mansion
20:08Huge Heffer!
20:09I read your magazine all the time
20:12I especially enjoyed your incisive and thought-provoking interview with George Lincoln Rockwell
20:17Thanks
20:18How would you boys like some electric Kool-Aid?
20:21Oh boy!
20:22Refreshments!
20:24Good to the last drop
20:25Enjoy the trip
20:36Gumboy, are you alright?
20:39I can taste purple!
20:45Lovey
20:48Gumboy
20:50Hey man!
20:51I'm at a mega dammit
20:55Are you ready for me, Gumboy?
21:07Yoo-hoo, are you ready for me, Poker?
21:11Gotcha!
21:13Ride me, baby!
21:16Yee-haw!
21:18I've never known such happiness!
21:21Happiness!
21:22Happiness!
21:22Happiness!
21:22Happiness!
21:23Happiness!
21:25No!
21:27Trap!
21:28Trap!
21:29I'm sorry!
21:31Trap!
21:32Me, Trap!
21:34I'm coming down!
21:37Mom, what are you coming down?
21:39Ok, baby, come on, baby!
21:40Show papa, show papa!
21:42Yee-haw, you're haram!
21:43This is beautiful!
21:44No, I'm coming down!
21:45Ok, now, come on!
21:46No, no!
21:47No!
21:48No!
21:49Oh, yes!
21:50Alright, where'd I put that man?
21:51Oh, there it is, little rascal!
21:52This clay needs a little glaze.
21:58What the...
22:01Gumboy!
22:03Whoa!
22:04Yikes, Patio.
22:06Hi.
22:08Gee, Dad.
22:09I don't feel so good.
22:11Uh-oh.
22:14Yuck.
22:18That's Gumboy.
22:22And now, another martial arts moment.
22:33Is that your card?
22:34No.
22:36That's your card.
22:37No, it's not. It's not my card.
22:39That's not your card, the five squares.
22:41No.
22:42It is your card.
22:43No, it's not.
22:44What was your card?
22:47I can't remember now.
22:48You can't...
22:49You can't remember your card.
22:50I think it was the...
22:51You don't know what...
22:52This is your card.
22:53Well, maybe if I see the other ones...
22:54This is...
22:55You can't remember.
22:56This is your card.
22:57It's not. It's not my card.
22:58This is so your card.
22:59It's not my fault.
23:00It's not my card.
23:01I've done this trip a hundred times.
23:02It's not my fault. It's not my...
23:03Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
23:04Ow!
23:05Ow!
23:06Clear.
23:07You are now watching...
23:08You are now watching...
23:09Mac TV.
23:10You are now watching...
23:11Mac TV.
23:12You are now watching...
23:13Mac TV.
23:14And now we return to Fox's after-school special...
23:16Little League Bookie.
23:17The Joey DeVanza story.
23:18Up to back to the Colts is Danny Kane.
23:19Hey, Colts suck. Come on, Kane. You're no Billy Johnson.
23:20Excuse me. That's my son you're talking to.
23:21Hey, I got a grand riding on the Tigers later. Your son's a freak. He cost me $300 on the Jaguars last week. He strikes out, I'm up a grand.
23:33I'm reporting you to the Little League Baseball Commission.
23:35Hey, there's no need to be like that, huh? Come on. Let's calm down here. Hey, you want in? Just say so. Here. He's 10% off my take in a game. Take it. Take it. Come on. Take it.
23:46Easy out! Swing!
23:49Come on, you little freak.
24:04Strike two.
24:06Yeah!
24:07Hey Kane, check the roster. You might be a lefty!
24:12Hey, better, better, better, better! Swing at anything!
24:15What?
24:16Yeah, strike out my son!
24:18Hey, Timmy, what's the problem, man?
24:19What are you talking to like that?
24:21This is Joey Dean.
24:22Who fixed that spin-the-bottle game for you, huh?
24:25You wanted to kiss Tammy Weintraub, you kissed Tammy Weintraub.
24:28What?
24:29All right, okay, I'll put you down for a C-note on the Bearcats.
24:32Right, okay, good, Tim, good, okay, take it easy.
24:36Hey, Tommy, where you going?
24:38What's the rush, pal?
24:39Come on, where's the fire?
24:40I tell you what, I got the Mustangs and Cubs over on Field Tree.
24:43What do you say?
24:44I don't know.
24:44You don't know, Todd Levy's pitching.
24:46I'll tell you what I'll do for you.
24:48I'll let you do a two-team tease around Robin with the Jags and the Cougars and the Mustangs and Cubs.
24:52You understand me?
24:53This means if the Jags win by more than nine runs, you can tease the under-over up to 11 runs.
24:57If they lose by less than 11, you're up 50 bucks.
25:00But if the Mustangs win by more than eight, you win 50.
25:03You understand me?
25:04Then I'll throw the Jags in there with the Mustangs and the Cubs,
25:07give you three-team, two-team tease around Robin banger with three of those teams.
25:12If the Cubs win, you still win 50 bucks.
25:14You can parlay all three of the teams.
25:16You can't lose.
25:16You're taking money from me.
25:17What do you say?
25:18Come on.
25:19Okay, five bucks.
25:20Five dollars.
25:21Good.
25:21Now we're talking.
25:22Five dollars.
25:23Hey, you look a little thin.
25:24How you doing?
25:25You eating?
25:25How's your mother?
25:26Okay?
25:26Dad, I'm crossbound.
25:28Oh, I asked you to bring me a snow cone.
25:31You bring me this piece of crap?
25:32How's it going, Gary?
25:34I still haven't paid up on a Cougars game.
25:36Well, look, Mr. DeVanzo, if you didn't take my bike, I'd still have my paper out.
25:40If you didn't take my bike, I'd still have my paper out.
25:42Listen to you.
25:43You sound like half a sissy.
25:45All right, this is not enough.
25:46What else you got?
25:46Come on.
25:48Come on.
25:48A dollar thirty-seven.
25:51A dollar thirty-seven?
25:52So what am I going to do with this?
25:53Blow my nose with it?
25:54That's it.
25:54I'm collecting on your Leemazilli autographed baseball.
25:57What else you got?
25:57Come on.
25:58Um, my brother.
26:01Your brother.
26:03All right, listen.
26:03I'm having a party.
26:04I want the two of yous to make me a nice antipast.
26:07You got that?
26:07Now, you know what to put in there?
26:08I like a lot of stuff on my antipast.
26:10Write this down.
26:11Write it down.
26:11Come here.
26:11Come here.
26:12All right.
26:13I want ham, cheese, salami, pepperoni, scoongeel, soup asad, brisou, gabagool, fresh
26:17moochadel, wet moochadel.
26:18Galamad, pineal nuts, roasted peppers, stuffed peppers, artichokes.
26:21You got all.
26:22Sun-dried tomatoes, fresh tomatoes, and broccoli rabe.
26:24You got that?
26:25Uh-huh.
26:25But no liverwurst.
26:26That stuff gives me the runs.
26:28If I get there and I find liverwurst in that antipast, I swear to you I'm using your shirt
26:31for toilet paper.
26:32You understand me?
26:33You got that, right?
26:35All right.
26:35Now, the two of yous beat it.
26:36I'm disgusted with you.
26:37Bad eye!
26:38Bad eye!
26:40Oh, Kane, you still at bat?
26:42Come on.
26:42I got a Bantam's game in Piscataway in 20 minutes.
26:45Come on, you sissy!
26:46It's going, going.
26:50Over the left field fence, it's gone a home run.
26:54Come on, on.
26:55Some son you raised.
26:56Danny, you're grounded.
26:58You went till your father hears about this.
27:00You better not come home if you know what's good for you.
27:05Hey, Mr. Vance, you owe me 75 bucks.
27:07Yeah, take this.
27:08My father's a lawyer and he says we shouldn't be paying so much on the VIG.
27:11Listen, kid, I'll make two phone calls.
27:13Your old man will be working at a car wash.
27:15I'm on a little creep.
27:16We want our money.
27:17We want our money.
27:19We learned a lot from Joey D that day.
27:21Mainly, always bet on a sure thing.
27:23Unless you can get an eight run over under on a 16 round robin teaser.
27:27But only if you can swing a killer VIG.
27:29Ladies and gentlemen, Harland Williams.
27:49Ladies and gentlemen, I am flaming mad.
27:52I'm mad about this country's educational system.
27:59You see, there's all kinds of incredible facts that the powers that be have conveniently left
28:05out of the textbooks and reference materials of this country's colleges and schools.
28:12So I've come here tonight against the government's will to inform you of the facts that have been
28:19kept from you.
28:20First of all, the hair clog in Michael Bolton's shower is over 17 feet long.
28:30The government doesn't want you to know.
28:35Children from Greenland hate the color blue.
28:40The government doesn't want you to know.
28:44The first time a baby octopus squirts ink, it thinks its pen exploded.
28:50It has no way of knowing.
28:52It has the ability to squirt ink.
28:57Old people's bath water is not bath water.
29:01It's soup.
29:04That's where soup comes from.
29:06The government doesn't want you to know.
29:09Elbow meat is the exact same texture as a 97-year-old woman's nipple.
29:18The government doesn't want you to know.
29:2514-year-old boys across the country would be up all night playing with their elbows.
29:30Cajun people cannot say,
29:37Let's go to the movies and see Schindler's List.
29:41They can only pronounce it like this.
29:44Let's go to the movie and see Schindler's List.
29:48David Bowie has two different colored eyes
29:56Mysteriously enough, so do huskies
30:00The government doesn't want you to know this
30:05But David Bowie is a husky
30:07Sweet Cindy Crawford is a freak
30:14The government doesn't want you to know
30:19If she didn't shave the hair off the mole on her face
30:24We'd think she'd have whiskers
30:26Cindy Crawford is an otter
30:30The government doesn't want you to know
30:35That the top supermodel in the United States is an otter
30:39Eskimo children love bacon sandwiches
30:50Vegetarians cannot catch the flesh-eating virus
30:58But if there were a virus out there called the Caesar salad flu
31:05All vegetarians would be wiped out
31:09Including the vegetarian queen of all K.D. Lange
31:13That little country star vanjo-plucking
31:17Wiggle-woggle
31:23Well, folks, I hope I've helped you get some good old-fashioned learnings into your head
31:29The last thing I want to tell you is that the one thing in life you can rely on is that
31:36All kung fu movies are real!
31:40Thank you and good night, you fools!
31:44Have a great day!
31:51sarcasm
31:53Revered expectations
31:54joue situation
31:55How'd you know
31:57score
31:59May
32:00Sing
32:03attention
32:05Allied
32:09Hi, I'm Carol, let's see, I enjoy mountain climbing and I'm a big fan of Dutch portrait
32:20art but I'd have to say the most important thing in my life is my faith, I'm seeking
32:26a spiritually centered relationship because the only one I'll love more than my man is
32:31my God.
32:32See, I'm seeking a man who believes in the Lord, who knows the Lord, who loves the Lord,
32:37who praises the Lord, oh yes, because my God, I said, my God woke me, I said, my God woke
32:45me earlier this morning and said, seek ye a man, I said, seek ye a man who will honor thee,
32:52I said, seek ye a man who will honor thee with a diamond ring of at least two carats and a
32:58first stone would be nice, oh yes, for he spake in Luke chapter 4 verse 2, I will deliver unto
33:04thee a man, I said, I will deliver unto thee a man, a special man who makes at least 200
33:12grand, a special man makes 200 grand, packs his heart, has cans of spam, now did you hear,
33:19now did you hear the Lord, oh yes, if you did, then praise him and call me, amen, amen, I
33:26seek amen, oh yes, hallelujah, hallelujah.
33:30You are unbelievable, you stole my yogurt.
33:49I did not, you always blame me.
33:52You are not talking your way out of it this time, last week it was my sandwich, the week
33:55before that my banana, this is the last straw, I'm gonna kick your ass.
34:00Oh yeah?
34:01Well I am sick of you taking my parking space, I am gonna kick your ass.
34:05Oh yeah?
34:06Okay, come on, me and you, right here, come here, come here, come here.
34:09Miss Fram, just reminding you, your meeting with Henderson starts in three minutes.
34:13Oh damn it, we're gonna have to take care of this later.
34:15Okay, well how about right after the meeting, I will knock you into next week.
34:18Nope, I can't, I'm leaving the meeting early to catch a flight to Philly.
34:21Oh, when are you back?
34:23Uh, so, noon Wednesday.
34:26Tell you what, meet me at the airport, gate 72, and I'll turn your face inside out.
34:31Okay, that sounds good, I will grind your nose into the tarmac!
34:34Fine.
34:35Oh, shoot.
34:36What?
34:37I have to pick my daughter, but daycare at five.
34:39Okay.
34:40Alright.
34:41How about, before work Thursday, meet me at the underground garage and I'll beat your head in.
34:46Nope, nope, I have breakfast with a client, but noon is fine to fill your mouth with bloody
34:50chicklets.
34:51No, my gosh.
34:52Tell you what, if you're free at 315, I can hit you so hard you'll cry out of your ears.
34:56Rats, Rats, I have a presentation, but it looks like you're free there at four.
35:00No, that's just a ten minute window.
35:01I want to break every bone in your body.
35:03You're right, you're right.
35:04Okay, how about six-ish?
35:06If you're free then, I could tear you and...
35:08No, can do.
35:09Got an appointment with a personal trainer.
35:11You know, he's really worked on my biceps.
35:13Of course you'll find out first-hand when I shove my fist down your throat, pull your
35:16spinal cord out and whip you with it.
35:18How is 9am Friday?
35:20Nope, nope.
35:21I'm at the Sazdar convention in Phoenix all weekend.
35:23I should be going to that convention.
35:25Yeah?
35:26Well, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
35:28Good point.
35:30How is 9am Monday to have your brain pounded into trash?
35:34Nope.
35:35Yom Kippur.
35:36Yom Kippur.
35:37Yom Kippur.
35:38How about 9am Tuesday?
35:40Nope.
35:41Hair appointment.
35:4210.30 to pull your eyes out of your socks and put them in your pockets?
35:45Busy, busy.
35:46All the rest of the day I'm swamped.
35:47How's Wednesday morning looking for you?
35:48No, I got a 9am to kick Julie Howard's ass.
35:51Oh, I kicked her ass a couple of weeks ago.
35:53She's got a lazy eye.
35:54It'll take you five minutes max.
35:55Oh, great.
35:56Okay.
35:57Uh, how's about noon-ish?
35:59Noon Wednesday.
36:00Yeah.
36:01Sounds great.
36:02Noon it is.
36:03Okay, by sundown you'll be living in a castle.
36:05Yeah.
36:06Well, when they look up curb stomped in the dictionary, it's gonna have your picture in
36:09it.
36:10Oh, yeah?
36:11This is you.
36:12Oh, well, this is you.
36:15Crap!
36:16Crap!
36:17We'll just see, won't we?
36:18Okay.
36:19Come here, come here.
36:20You, come here, come here.
36:21Oh.
36:22Ms. Fran, Mr. Henderson canceled your meeting.
36:24Damn it.
36:25What a bastard.
36:26Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
36:28Let's go kick his ass!
36:30Okay, and after that, I'm gonna cake your face in.
36:32Oh, yeah?
36:33I'm gonna make you wish you were transferred to Paris.
36:35I'm gonna hit you so hard.
36:36Your family's gonna fall.
36:37Woo!
36:38Woo!
36:39Woo!
36:40Woo!
36:41Courtney, we're good to go.
37:02House of Blues tomorrow night.
37:04All right, Miss Love.
37:05Stay clean.
37:06I'll see you there.
37:09Dave Canfield to see you.
37:11Oh, man.
37:12All right.
37:13Send him in.
37:15Pricey, baby, how are you?
37:18Look at you.
37:19Look at you.
37:20You look great.
37:20I haven't seen you in so long.
37:22I remember when you were this tall.
37:24How's your Uncle Manny?
37:25He's doing good.
37:26He's retired now.
37:27I've been living in Boca Raton the last few years.
37:28Oh, that's nice.
37:29That's nice.
37:30Me and him were like ivory and ebony.
37:33Listen.
37:34Listen to me, kid.
37:35I know you're booking acts for that new Lollipaloozie music fair, right?
37:39Yes.
37:39Now, I'm sure you're familiar with the famous comedy theme of Zany and Madcap.
37:45I...
37:45They're the next Sonny and Cher.
37:47By the way, I just had lunch with Gavin McLeod.
37:50He says, hi.
37:52That's great.
37:53Look, Abe, what exactly would you like me to do with Zany and Madcap?
37:59The question is, what are they going to do for you, Brycey baby?
38:02You know what I'm saying?
38:03So I'm counting on you to take them to the next level.
38:06But what the hell am I talking for?
38:08Let them make the magic for you.
38:11Guys!
38:11Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
38:13I'm Zany!
38:14I'm Madcap!
38:15We're Zany and Madcap!
38:17You'll never know what we'll do!
38:20Okay.
38:21He's Zany!
38:22She's Madcap!
38:23We're Zany and Madcap!
38:25We'll keep you from feeling blue!
38:28Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
38:29Hi-ho, Brady!
38:31Ha-ha-ha!
38:31Did you see that, Bryce?
38:34Can you believe it?
38:35No, I can't.
38:36Ha-ha-ha!
38:37Tell me, where have you performed recently?
38:39Have you heard of a little something called the Ed Sullivan Show?
38:42Yeah!
38:42Fourth building!
38:43Ha-ha-ha!
38:43Come on, kids!
38:44Do your stuff!
38:45Okay!
38:46Ba-da-ba-da-ba-boom!
38:47Hey, honey!
38:48I think I'm finally getting the hang of this twist!
38:51You better turn down the hi-fi!
38:52My mom's coming over!
38:54Your mom?
38:55But then she'll find out we're living together and we're not even married!
38:59Oh, no!
39:01Ha-ha-ha-ha!
39:02That looks like a lot of...
39:04We now take you to the future, where automation runs amok!
39:08Hello!
39:09This is the operator!
39:11Gee, operator, you sound kind of weird!
39:13I am the Univac 2000.
39:15I have replaced all unreliable human operators.
39:18Well, okay!
39:19Put me through to Murray Hill 59742!
39:22That extension is busy.
39:24Besides, she's a tramp!
39:28Come on, kids!
39:29Do the hard stuff!
39:30The stuff they wouldn't let you do on laughing!
39:31You know it!
39:33Brace yourself, baby!
39:34Your reverence is their middle name!
39:36Young lady, where are you going?
39:38I'm gonna burn my bra!
39:41That's the third one this week!
39:43What do you think?
39:43Bras grew on trees?
39:45Aw, come on!
39:46Everybody's doing it!
39:48Everybody?
39:48You don't see your brother Tony burning his bra?
39:51Of course not!
39:52That's because he burned his draft card!
39:54What?
39:54Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
39:57You get it?
39:58He burned his draft card!
39:59The kid, he burned his draft card!
40:00Got it, got it.
40:02Look, you know what?
40:02This looks like a whole lot of fun.
40:04Hey!
40:04Wait till you see the dynamite routine we do about the pill!
40:07The one about the girl who's dating a negro!
40:09Oh, yeah!
40:10They're like Lenny Bruce!
40:11Twice the laughs!
40:13But half the filth!
40:15Look, I don't know if you realize this, but the acts I work with are people like Green Day, Henry Rollins, Hole...
40:21I hear you, Chief!
40:23But just give these two funky cats a couple of weeks to brush up on their alternate comedy skills,
40:29and then watch out!
40:30They're generation excellent!
40:32Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
40:34Great!
40:34I'll be in time.
40:35Oh!
40:37What did I tell you guys?
40:39You always gotta stay one step ahead, then it's Lookout Soupy Sam!
40:42Hey, hey, look at me!
40:43I'm into the Portland Grain scene!
40:45That's good, that's good!
40:46Hey, dude, don't fog out that coffee!
40:48Ooh, write that down!
40:50Now we're cooking with gas!
40:51I'm taking you two out for a martoonie!
40:53Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
41:10Well, that's our show!
41:13Did you watch the show?
41:14It was a funny show.
41:18We enjoyed doing it.
41:22We hope you like the surprises in the show.
41:25Thanks for watching the show.
41:29Good night.
41:30Good night.
41:31Good night.
41:44Good night.
Recommended
42:08
|
Up next
42:36
41:47
42:05
42:07
42:08
42:01
42:31
42:38
42:34
42:27
42:36
42:38
42:56
42:45
42:55
41:47
42:39
42:45
42:56
42:56
42:56
42:56
42:56
42:42
Be the first to comment