- 2 months ago
Season 1 Episode 9
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching Matty.
00:03Matty!
00:09Remember, honey, the milk and cookies are for Santa Claus.
00:12I promise I won't nibble.
00:15You aren't going to be up too late, are you? At least you'll be up soon.
00:18I'll have Hoppy put together in 20 minutes tops.
00:20Are you sure you don't need any help?
00:22Honey, this is a toy. Go to sleep.
00:26Good night.
00:27Merry Christmas.
00:30Oh, fuck.
00:42Tuk-tuk-tuk-money.
00:50Okay.
00:56Come on. Come on. Come on.
00:58Damn!
00:59Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's just fine. That's going to work out fine.
01:09Yeah, that's going to go. That's going to work.
01:13Come on. Come on.
01:16Come on. We'll just keep coming. We're going to come together.
01:18Come on. Come on!
01:23Come on.
01:24You want to play?
01:26You want to play?
01:27Okay.
01:31You know what we're going to do?
01:34We're just going to come together.
01:35We're just going to come together.
01:37We're just going to come together.
01:39Oh, God!
01:40God!
01:41God!
01:41God!
01:42God!
01:42God!
01:42God!
01:45You want to come there. We'll just play.
01:47It's okay. We'll just play.
01:49Let's just play.
01:49Easy now.
01:54Easy we go.
01:55Just one more screw and we're all the way there.
01:58Easy, easy.
02:00No!
02:01No!
02:02No!
02:03I hurt you!
02:05I hurt my whole life!
02:06Why are you doing this to me?
02:08What?
02:08Don't touch me!
02:10Don't come near me!
02:11What's wrong?
02:12That's what's wrong!
02:13Happy to hopperty hopper!
02:16Don't put it together, then!
02:17It's not worth it.
02:18At least she's getting plenty of other presents.
02:20Yeah, right, but she really wanted a happity hopperty horse, didn't she?
02:24You're being ridiculous.
02:25Didn't she?
02:25Just come to bed.
02:25No.
02:26Never.
02:27Not while he's down here mocking me!
02:29Mocking me the way he does!
02:31Damn you!
02:32Dare you!
02:33Go to bed!
02:34Go to bed!
02:35Go to bed!
02:36Is Daddy going to be okay, Mommy?
02:56He'll be fine, honey. He'll be just fine.
02:59I'm a little cowgirl. I'm a happy little cowgirl.
03:03I'm a happy, happy cowgirl, my happy hobbity horse.
03:07I love my happy hobbity horse. I love you.
03:33Crazy.
03:37Man.
03:38Ooh!
03:40Man.
03:46Man.
03:47Man.
03:49You're so crazy.
03:53Man.
03:54Man.
03:55Man.
03:56Man.
04:01Man.
04:03I love watching the TV...
04:08So is everything all set?
04:10Yeah I think so.
04:11This is gonna be great. I just hope he doesn't find out.
04:14Me too.
04:15Oh, Tim, Tim!
04:16Shh, shh, shh.
04:18Come in!
04:23Surprise!
04:27I can't believe you guys remembered.
04:29Hey, we wouldn't forget your birthday. Come on!
04:31I thought you were black.
04:33So, how does it feel to be pushing the big 2-0-0-0?
04:36You all shipped in and got you a gift.
04:38Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
04:40Hey, the new Smashing Pumpkin CD.
04:46Those guys rock.
04:49That's not all, Mr. Savior. We also got you a piñata.
04:53Well!
04:54You guys are too much.
04:57Now, because it's your birthday, you get to go first. Now, Mary, the blindfold, please.
05:00Okay. Remember, Jesus, no cheating.
05:03Don't you know, Mary, I see all, with or without the blindfold.
05:07What?
05:08One, two, three.
05:13Yeah!
05:15Look out, look out!
05:16Look out! Jesus got a spin!
05:18Easy, Jesus, easy.
05:20We gotta start the show before somebody gets hurt.
05:22The rake. It's great for raking, but terrible for picking things up.
05:34All of that bending.
05:37Stretching.
05:38There's gotta be a better way.
05:43Now there is a better way.
05:45The Wonder Rake 5000.
05:47The only rake with super folding action.
05:50With Wonder Rake 5000, picking up things is easy.
05:53It's patented sliding lock system makes cleaning up a breeze.
05:57There isn't anything a conventional rake can pick up that the Wonder Rake 5000 can't pick up better.
06:02Wonder Rake 5000 picks up leaves, weeds, grass.
06:09Plant cuttings, peat moss, sticks and twigs, crab grass, small branches, medium sized branches, cut sunflowers, pine cones, dirt, tulips, garbage, wet garbage, wet leaves, rose clippings, hay, wet hay, beehives, dandelions, oak nuts, caterpillar cocoons, tree bark, green rock moss, wood chips, rocks, pebbles, miscellaneous rocks.
06:26Feathers, pine trimmings, light branches, branches with leaves, light branches with leaves, light branches with wet leaves, pine cones, dead flowers, pine needles, pine cones, cherry blossoms, tumbleweeds, 200 pencils, bricks.
06:56Feathers, lilacs, lilacs, lilacs, berries, lilac berry mix, did we mention pine cones, dried out grass, wet dried out grass, tangled undergrowth, air, bird's nests, anvil.
07:11Wonder Rake 5000 is the greatest gardening tool ever invented.
07:15And now you can get one for just $39.95.
07:18Don't miss out on the Wonder Rake 5000.
07:20Order yours today.
07:26You are now watching the TV.
07:48You excited to see Santa?
07:50Remember to give him your list, okay?
07:51I have it right here.
07:52Good, good, good.
07:53Can I ask Santa for a Game Boy?
07:55Sure, Mark.
07:55You can ask him for anything you want to.
08:01Hi, welcome to Malbury's Department Store.
08:04How may I help you?
08:06I want to give Santa my list.
08:10Yeah.
08:11You know what?
08:13Uh-uh.
08:14I'm sorry.
08:15I don't think Santa's going to be able to see you today.
08:18Well, Mark has been waiting for over an hour.
08:20Yeah, I'm sure you've been a very good boy this year.
08:23It's just that Santa doesn't like children who are husky.
08:26I want to see Santa.
08:28Well, Porky, if you keep taking thirds and fourths, you will be Santa.
08:32Okay, bye-bye.
08:33How dare you talk?
08:34Thanks for that.
08:34Bye, Malbury's.
08:35Bye-bye.
08:35Come on.
08:36Okay, okay.
08:37Merry Christmas.
08:39Hello.
08:39Are you enjoying your shopping here at Malbury's?
08:41Uh, well, actually, we're not shopping.
08:43I thought that meeting Santa would make Danielle's Christmas a bit more fun.
08:46Yeah, you would love to meet old Santa Claus, wouldn't ya?
08:49Yeah.
08:50Yeah.
08:51Yeah.
08:52You know what?
08:53Uh-uh.
08:55I'm sorry.
08:56I don't think it's going to work out.
08:58You see, Santa only has a few rules.
09:00But one of them is that he doesn't speak to the homeless.
09:03You see, homeless means no home.
09:05No home means no fireplace.
09:06No fireplace.
09:07No chimney.
09:07No chimney.
09:07No Santa.
09:08Bye-bye.
09:09I wanted a candy cane for my spouse.
09:13Yeah, that's so sweet.
09:14It's just that Santa can't fill up a stocking when it's hanging from a rearview mirror.
09:18Now, get it.
09:18But, uh, we are not homeless.
09:20Of course you're not.
09:22Okay, but thanks for stopping by to warm up here at Malbury's.
09:24Bye-bye.
09:26Merry Christmas.
09:27Hello.
09:28Are you all set to take your picture with Sienna?
09:30Yeah.
09:30Okay, you're just going to step right this...
09:32Whoa.
09:34Is the outer star of David hanging around Mommy's neck?
09:38Yes, it is.
09:39We're Jewish, but I thought he could at least meet Santa.
09:41You know what?
09:46Uh-uh.
09:47I'm sorry.
09:48I don't think this is going to work out.
09:50You see, Santa doesn't like people who are Jewish.
09:53And do you know why?
09:54No.
09:55Because your people killed Jesus.
09:58I'm so sorry.
09:59Bye-bye.
10:00Everyone knows that Jesus was Jewish and the Romans crucified him.
10:03Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
10:04La-la-la-la-la-la.
10:07La-la-la-la-la.
10:07Ho-ho-ho.
10:09La-la-la-la.
10:09What seems to be going on here?
10:11Well, Sienna, I don't know.
10:12You killed my son a whole lot of hubbub going on here.
10:15Jesus, when it's not true.
10:17That's it.
10:18Ho-ho-ho.
10:19This elf is going back to the North Pole, children.
10:22Yay!
10:23Go!
10:23Kathy, you are fired.
10:28Okay.
10:29Well, thanks for employing me here at Malbrace.
10:31And thanks for letting me sit on your lap after work.
10:35Children, I am so sorry that I couldn't show you Santa.
10:37But there's a very good reason.
10:39Do you know what it is?
10:41No.
10:41There is no Santa.
10:44Oh, Merry Christmas.
10:46You were just like that.
10:48You need to be done.
10:51This is not what Christmas is about.
10:53You need to step back.
11:02Howdy, folks.
11:03Howdy, folks.
11:06Let's chat, shall we?
11:08There's something that's been on my mind every holiday season for years.
11:11So let's get right to it.
11:14Fruitcake versus Santa.
11:18Now, there are many similarities between these two.
11:21For E.G.
11:21Both are curious amalgams of sweetness and fat.
11:26Both can get stuck in your damn chimney.
11:29Both are loaded with rum.
11:34But fruitcake can still legally drive.
11:37Both can kill small children.
11:40Santa with a submachine gun.
11:43Fruitcake, if it lands on the soft spot.
11:46Both touch the hearts of millions.
11:51But fruitcake also touches your colon and clogs your arteries.
11:55Now, the tradition of Santa is something that's been passed down from generation to generation, and so have most fruitcakes.
12:02Santa has reindeer.
12:06Fruitcake probably contains reindeer.
12:09In other context, the term fruitcake can mean crazy.
12:16And Santa's got to be out of his ever-loving mind to spend 364 days a year freezing his ass off up in the North Pole with a bunch of L's, one woman, and no cable.
12:25In fact, there's only one significant difference between these two.
12:32Santa isn't delicious.
12:37Mmm.
12:39Oh, it's good.
12:40It's good.
12:55It's good.
12:55Oh, it's good.
12:56The Ozzy is one of the best.
12:58What is it?
12:59Oh, it's good.
12:59The Ozzy is one of the best.
13:01Okay.
13:02Here's the first.
13:02You know what?
13:03I'm sure he doesn't need to move on to that.
13:05You'll see that he's one of the best.
13:06You'll see him at the next two weeks.
13:07No one of the best.
13:08Oh, I Tongue.
13:08Oh, I really don't like that.
13:09I, too, I'm sure he's over there.
13:11So, he's over there.
13:12It's my little family.
13:13You know.
13:13I'm sure he'll do.
13:14I'm sure he'll do it.
13:15I'm sure he'll be ready.
13:16What is he's back there?
13:17You have a good job.
13:21Oh
13:51Hey, what's so freaking important you interrupted my skonjeeling?
13:55What? You don't know the story of Rudolph?
13:58Well, pull up an ice pick, I mean an ice block, and I'll tell you everything.
14:02Well, not everything.
14:14As far back as he could remember, Rudolph wanted to be one of Santa's maid reindeer.
14:19Like his friends, Jimmy the Antler, and Frankie two times.
14:22There was only one problem.
14:29Hey, Frankie, look! It's a raid! The cops are here!
14:33You'll never be in Santa's gang! Never be in Santa's gang!
14:36I guess I'm just a f***ing misfit.
14:49Hey, who the f*** are you?
14:51I'm Hermie the Drill. Santa kicked me out because I wouldn't give him his tribute.
14:56Someday, I'm going to take over Santa's whole operation.
14:58Hey, I'm with you, Paisan, and I know just the guy to call.
15:02Yukon Cornelion!
15:03We'll get even, we'll get even, we'll make Santa pay.
15:16We'll make balls, we'll break balls, so we'll get our cup someday.
15:25Ho, ho, ho!
15:37Donner and Blitzen just hijacked a shipment of pure snow.
15:40We'll make two million easy.
15:42Yeah, boys.
15:44Who the f*** are you?
15:46Who the f*** am I?
15:47I'm Yukon Cornelion, the greatest hitman of all.
15:51And I've got a special present for you.
15:53Compliments of one disgruntled elf and red-nosed reindeer.
15:56Were you talking to me?
15:57You talking to me?
16:14Hey, I should get one of these for my workshop.
16:17Next, our friends went to Santa's toy room with a special delivery.
16:26Hey, look who it is.
16:27Mr. Freakin' Fireplug.
16:29Mr. Freakin' Fireplug.
16:38Does my nose amuse you?
16:40Is it funny?
16:41Like a clown?
16:42Does it make you laugh?
16:43No, no, no.
16:44Great nose.
16:45Okay, I'm the capo now.
16:46Hermes, my lieutenant.
16:47And Abominable, here's my enforcer.
16:49Capisce?
16:50Now let's eat.
16:52So remember, kids, the moral of this story is keep your f***ing mouth shut.
16:56Have a merry freaking Christmas, and you'll hear what we have said.
17:05Don't you squeal, or rat us up, or you'll be welcome, kid.
17:11Oh, come on in, Mark.
17:22Come on in.
17:22Hey, Mr. Girard.
17:23These are my parents.
17:24Hey.
17:24Hi, I'm Connie Bennett.
17:26This is my husband, Ted.
17:27How you doing?
17:28I got told Mark getting into college is when all of his hard work's gonna pay off.
17:32Yeah.
17:33Have a seat.
17:33Have a seat.
17:34He's a kid.
17:35Now, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett, after going over Mark's transcript again, I'm a little concerned
17:41about the colleges he's applying to.
17:43I mean, Stanford, Dartmouth, Princeton?
17:46I think you're headed for a big disappointment.
17:49But my grades are really good.
17:50I'm in the top 5% of my class.
17:52Sure you are, Mark.
17:53But I mean, while you and I may enjoy the works of James Joyce or Naomi Wolf, colleges want
17:59someone who's shown that they've got the nuts and bolts to make it happen in the real
18:03world.
18:04I've done that.
18:06Come on, Mark.
18:08I mean, sophomore year, you sat by yourself at lunch.
18:12Junior year, you ate with a German exchange student.
18:16What?
18:16It's all right here in your transcript.
18:18You tell people what you really think at parties.
18:21You never took drugs to impress friends.
18:25You never once did ecstasy or even tried shrooms.
18:27You've never had your stomach pumped up.
18:31Should I even continue?
18:32Mr. Gerard, I can't believe what I'm hearing.
18:34I'll tell you.
18:35I, for one, am shocked.
18:37Now, I know that you're disappointed.
18:39I mean, every parent thinks that their child is somehow special.
18:43But the reality of this situation is that Mark has never enjoyed oral or even just plain
18:49missionary position sex.
18:51What?
18:52Mom, this guy's nuts.
18:53No.
18:55You've never had sex?
18:56What about Karen, honey?
18:58He made it to third base and then he phoned it.
19:01He said he wanted to wait.
19:03Oh, for Pete's sake!
19:05I tried.
19:05I called her the next day.
19:06You did what?
19:07I called her to see if she wanted to go out again.
19:09Why would she want to go out with you if you're not going to do her?
19:14Mom!
19:14Karen and I are just friends.
19:16Friends?
19:17My God, have we taught you nothing?
19:18See?
19:20This is how television is ruining our kids.
19:23They watch these shows where no one gets laid.
19:26And then we wonder why the killing doesn't stop.
19:29Mr. Ruff!
19:29Freeze!
19:30My young man just simmered down.
19:31Yes!
19:31Simmer!
19:32Simmer!
19:32No, listen.
19:33None of you guys know anything, all right?
19:34Mom, you can't two be friends with girls.
19:36And Dad, I'm going to lose my virginity to somebody I love.
19:39And Mr. Gerard, I'll get into college on my own merit!
19:43Oh, boy.
19:44Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
19:46Where did we go, Bob?
19:47Is there anything we can do?
19:49Get him a prostitute or something?
19:52Actually, my wife does a little tutoring on the side.
19:56We'll give her a call.
19:57We will.
19:58And please, if there is anything further I can do, please let me know.
20:00A prostitute will do.
20:02Let's go.
20:03There's the hell out of me in there.
20:04And could you send in the next student, please?
20:06Well, hello, Harvard.
20:32Coming up on MADtv.
20:36MADtv.
20:40Do a backflip.
20:44That's incredible.
20:45You got your body.
20:48You can't get your body.
20:50You are now watching the TV.
20:56MADtv.
21:02What would happen if one Christmas something went terribly wrong?
21:08Santa?
21:17Where?
21:19Where's Santa?
21:20It's you.
21:21The Christmas Santa forgot.
21:23The tale of a holiday that almost wasn't.
21:26And one small boy who wouldn't take no for an answer.
21:30Mom, what's wrong with Santa Claus?
21:32Tommy, do you remember when your grandfather dove into the pool and there wasn't any water in it?
21:38Sometimes, when people hit their head really, really hard, they forget things.
21:43Hello.
21:44What's this?
21:47You might find this next number a little saucy.
21:51I once had a sponge bath in Nantucket.
21:55Oh, okay, Santa.
21:57That's quite enough.
21:58Gee, Tommy.
21:59It looks like Santa isn't quite himself.
22:02Mama Mia.
22:03My pants smell like Parmesan cheese.
22:06Ho, ho, ho, ho.
22:07Oh, Tommy, I'm sorry.
22:09It looks like Christmas is cancelled this year.
22:13Nuh-uh.
22:14Mom, I got a plan.
22:16Come on, Santa Claus.
22:17We're going up to the roof.
22:18We're coming on the roof with you.
22:19We'll drop you on your head again and you'll be good as new.
22:22Hold on there, young man.
22:23It's way past your bedtime.
22:24Oh, please.
22:25I've seen this work on Tom and Jerry a million times.
22:28All right.
22:33Magic 8-Ball.
22:35Tell me, will I marry the girl of my dreams?
22:39Strike one.
22:42Strike one.
22:45Strike one.
22:49Oh, deja vu.
22:54Oh, sorry, Tommy.
22:56I don't think this is working.
22:58This is a tale for anyone who's had a dream
23:01and the courage to see it through.
23:05This is a waste of time, Tommy.
23:07Look at him.
23:08Hey, elves.
23:11I love your cookies.
23:14See what I mean?
23:15He can't remember who's naughty and who's nice.
23:18One time, I was in Nam.
23:21And I was in the bush.
23:22And I could feel the cookies all around me.
23:25Taunting me with their chippy goodness.
23:27It's useless.
23:28What would Santa say if he knew who he was right now, huh?
23:35I bet he'd say, hey, we can't disappoint all those good little boys and girls
23:40who've waited all year long just to open up their presents.
23:43You're right, Tommy.
23:45You've just given an old elf a reason to believe.
23:50Help us save Christmas, Tommy.
23:52Go, Tommy.
23:54Go.
23:58Come on, Santa.
23:59Focus.
24:00Focus.
24:01Oh, Judas.
24:02Judas.
24:02I ordered a little night of nice tea.
24:06Are you going to eat your peanuts?
24:08Oh, forget it.
24:09Mom was right.
24:10I guess Christmas is canceled.
24:12There's no point in believing in anything.
24:14Oh, come on, Tommy.
24:16You've got to believe.
24:18You must believe in the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.
24:25Wait a minute.
24:27It's all coming back to me now.
24:29I deliver presents every 25th of December.
24:33The North Pole, the elves.
24:35I'm Santa Claus.
24:37Oh, Santa Claus.
24:39My sweetness and transcendent innocence has brought you out of your amnesia.
24:43Yes, yes, Tommy.
24:45Thank you for believing.
24:47Now go home and wait to see what I bring you.
24:54Merry Christmas.
24:55The Christmas Santa Forgot.
24:57Coming this holiday season from 20th Century Fox.
25:04Good afternoon, sir, and how can I help you today?
25:07Hi, I had a problem with one of my checks.
25:09For some reason it didn't clear the account and I have more than enough money,
25:12so there must be some sort of mistake.
25:13Well, what's your account number, sir?
25:14It's a 549-766-8855.
25:22Oh, I'm sorry.
25:23What do you mean?
25:24Well, you're out of luck.
25:25Your account shows insufficient funds.
25:27Wait, wait.
25:27I have more than enough money in that account.
25:30No, you don't.
25:32Excuse me.
25:33Excuse me.
25:34Aren't you being a little rude?
25:36No.
25:37You're the one that's being rude.
25:38What is the problem here?
25:41Problem?
25:42I don't have any problem.
25:43And you know why?
25:44Because I'm behind the glass.
25:48This is ridiculous.
25:49I want to speak to the bank manager.
25:50This is ridiculous.
25:51I want to speak to the bank manager.
25:52This is ridiculous.
25:53I want to speak to the bank manager.
25:55I have been a customer of this bank for over 15 years.
25:58I want to speak to the bank manager now.
26:00I'm the bank manager.
26:01What seems to be the problem?
26:03I am just trying to get my money,
26:05and your teller here is the rudest,
26:08least helpful person I've ever met in my life.
26:11I'm just trying to get my money,
26:13and your teller is the rudest,
26:15least helpful person I've ever met in my life.
26:17Give me my money.
26:18Give me my money.
26:20Hi.
26:21I'm really upset about my bank.
26:23I wish someone were nice to me.
26:26Either you give me my money,
26:27or I'm going to First National.
26:29I'm going to First National.
26:31I'm going to First National.
26:34You've got no money.
26:36You've got no money.
26:38We've got your money.
26:41We can get your money.
26:46Ladies and gentlemen,
26:47here with a story to warm our hearts,
26:49our friend, Pauly Shore.
26:51I can't believe that I cannot be saved.
27:08I can't believe that I cannot be saved.
27:12What's up, brothers and sisters?
27:18Ho, ho, ho, America!
27:20And Merry Christmas!
27:26This is Pauly Shore here.
27:29Loser!
27:32Christmas is like my favorite holiday of all time.
27:35Yours, too?
27:35Yeah.
27:36Right.
27:37I remember when I was younger,
27:39when I was like seven years old,
27:40my mom's boyfriend at the time, Danny,
27:42he had been sober for 15 years with AA.
27:45But that Christmas,
27:46he decided to slip and have a little eggnog.
27:51Naughty, Danny, naughty.
27:55And everyone at the party knew he was drunk.
27:58But Danny, he wouldn't admit it.
28:00Mm-mm.
28:00So he kept on pressuring my mom
28:02to take him to San Diego.
28:04Right?
28:06And he says,
28:09come up to my mom.
28:10He said,
28:10Mitzi, what do you mean
28:12we're not going to La Jolla?
28:15And my mom's like,
28:16Danny, get away.
28:17You're drunk.
28:19Go sit on the couch.
28:20Ah!
28:22So Danny's sitting there on the couch,
28:24all bummed out.
28:25Obviously, I approach him.
28:27And I go into the bathroom,
28:30I take him in there, right?
28:31And I got a little flask of booze.
28:33Right?
28:34And I said,
28:34dude, who cares what she says, bro?
28:36You're part of this family, too.
28:37You're allowed to have a drink.
28:40Total instigator.
28:44Right?
28:45So he said,
28:47yeah, you're right.
28:48I'm part of this family, too.
28:50So I just start feeding him shots.
28:52He's just like...
28:52And finally,
28:57after like 10 shots, right?
28:59He's twisted, man.
29:01So he cruises back inside.
29:03The party's like...
29:04He's like...
29:07Listen,
29:09what do you mean
29:10we're not going to La Jolla?
29:13So then,
29:14like,
29:14my sister,
29:15she chimes in
29:16and she says,
29:16damn it, Danny,
29:17you're not going to La Jolla
29:19and that's final.
29:20And then,
29:21out of nowhere,
29:22Danny just,
29:23he just backhands
29:24the Jewish-American princess.
29:26Boom!
29:29Right?
29:30Oh, yeah,
29:31on a side note,
29:32Danny actually used
29:33to be in love
29:33with my sister
29:34and even wrote
29:34a song about her.
29:35Here, here it is.
29:36Watch.
29:37My little Jewish-American
29:39princess girl
29:40even though he's 45
29:42and I will never be
29:44waiting in love for you.
29:47So anyways,
29:48back to Danny, okay?
29:50So what he does,
29:51he just...
29:51backhands her, right?
29:54You know,
29:54and my mom freaks.
29:55Obviously,
29:56my mom's like,
29:56oh, my God.
29:59You know,
29:59I'm sitting there going,
30:00bro, man,
30:01you shouldn't have hit my sister.
30:03You know?
30:03And then everyone,
30:04I swear,
30:05everyone at the party
30:06hops over the bar, man,
30:08and we just start
30:09peddling him, man,
30:10like a whale
30:11on an Alaskan pier.
30:13Just boom, boom, man!
30:14Don't ever touch my sister,
30:16close American princess!
30:17And China just starts
30:19flying everywhere
30:20and he's just sitting there.
30:22He's just sitting there
30:23all bloody,
30:24just like,
30:24ooh.
30:29Close up.
30:33Man,
30:34I love Christmas.
30:36Christmas is like
30:37my favorite holiday.
30:38Eggnog?
30:55Come on, man,
30:56come on!
30:56Come on!
31:00Come on!
31:02Come on!
31:03Come on!
31:07Three, four,
31:15four so far, right?
31:16Four, right.
31:16One cake,
31:17one sugar,
31:17one buckwheat honey glaze,
31:19and a sugared Bavarian cream.
31:20That seems like a lot.
31:21A dozen seems like a lot.
31:23But you wanted a large coffee.
31:24Right,
31:24and that's free with a dozen.
31:26Free with a dozen,
31:26plus you get a thirteenth donut.
31:28I'll go fill up your coffee.
31:29Okay.
31:31Um,
31:32okay,
31:32okay,
31:32I know what I want.
31:33Let's go with,
31:34um,
31:34one more cake.
31:35Oh,
31:35oh,
31:37wow,
31:37better get out of those wet pants
31:38and into a dry martini,
31:40huh?
31:40Whatever you say,
31:41ma'am.
31:41Now,
31:42that was one more cake.
31:44What are you doing?
31:45I'm taking off my pants.
31:47Don't take your pants off.
31:48Okay.
31:51What's wrong with you?
31:52Well,
31:52aside from my asthma,
31:54my left foot hurts,
31:54I got two parking tickets this morning,
31:56and I have a slight headache.
31:58Is this a prank or something?
32:00Just doing what you told me to do.
32:03Hi,
32:03can I get an apple muffin,
32:04a small decaf,
32:05and the keys to your car?
32:07Hi.
32:08Hi.
32:09Is it a friend of yours?
32:10What?
32:11No,
32:11I'm counting down.
32:12Okay,
32:13that's two dollars,
32:14and the left tire is a little low.
32:18Thank you very much.
32:20Bye.
32:20I'm sorry about that.
32:23Can I help you?
32:24Uh,
32:24yeah,
32:25um,
32:25let's finish up the dozen
32:27with two dunking sticks.
32:28Excuse me,
32:29can I just do something quickly?
32:30Oh,
32:30yeah,
32:30go right ahead.
32:31Drop what you're doing.
32:32I need a large bear claw
32:34and recite a short
32:34Alfred Lord Tennyson poem.
32:38He clasps the crag
32:40with crooked hands,
32:41close to the sun
32:42with lonely lands,
32:43ringed with azure world,
32:44he stands.
32:46That'll be one dollar,
32:47please.
32:50Now,
32:51that was two dunking sticks
32:53and?
32:54Donuts,
32:54right.
32:55Um,
32:55let's get a,
32:56a buttermilk cranberry
32:57and,
32:58um,
32:58hit yourself on the head.
33:02Mm!
33:04You'll do whatever I say,
33:05won't you?
33:06As long as you're ordering donuts,
33:07yes.
33:08Oh,
33:08okay,
33:09let's get the glazed
33:10with the chocolate jimmies,
33:11but,
33:11um,
33:12do it,
33:12um,
33:13solid gold dancer style.
33:17Okay,
33:17stop doing that.
33:18Okay,
33:19now I want,
33:20um,
33:21a nut crunch
33:22and create world peace.
33:25I'm sorry,
33:26ma'am,
33:26this is just a donut shop.
33:28Oh.
33:29Okay,
33:29then find me a husband.
33:33With this ring,
33:34I thee wed.
33:35Ugh,
33:35ugh,
33:36never mind,
33:36never mind.
33:36Um,
33:37um,
33:37do a backflip.
33:41Oh,
33:42that's incredible.
33:44Gosh,
33:45well,
33:45I guess we have a dozen.
33:46Oh,
33:46wait,
33:47I get a 13th donut for free,
33:48though,
33:48right?
33:48That's right.
33:49Okay,
33:49uh,
33:50let's get a jelly.
33:51I'm sorry,
33:51we're out of jelly.
33:53No jelly?
33:54What a day.
33:55Somebody shoot me.
33:56Whatever you say,
33:57man.
33:57Oh,
33:58oh,
33:58God,
33:58oh,
33:59oh,
33:59oh.
34:00Oh,
34:12hey,
34:12Brian.
34:13Hey,
34:13Phil.
34:15Hey,
34:15uh,
34:16Phil,
34:16um,
34:17on the way over to work,
34:19I,
34:19uh,
34:19I accidentally,
34:20like,
34:21dinged your car.
34:22Oh,
34:23it's all right.
34:24It happens.
34:25You're so understanding,
34:26man.
34:26I thought you'd be really pissed off.
34:28It's only a car.
34:29Who cares?
34:30If that was me,
34:31I would have killed you.
34:32Yeah,
34:32and what good would that have done?
34:34No,
34:34Brian,
34:35you know,
34:35I've learned over the years
34:35to just take all that useless anger
34:37and compress it into a tight little ball.
34:40And I just,
34:41I just picture myself
34:43shoving that little ball
34:44the way into a deep,
34:45dark hole
34:45hidden way down inside of me.
34:48Where it'll stay for years and years,
34:50just growing,
34:53festering,
34:54till it petrifies into a rock-like mass
34:56of pure hatred.
34:59That's amazing,
35:00though.
35:00You know,
35:01what I've realized
35:01is that no amount of
35:02thorazine,
35:03electroshock,
35:05frontal lobe surgery
35:07could entirely take away
35:08the kind of burning rage
35:09I feel.
35:11I mean,
35:11but the only thing I can do
35:12is take these impulses
35:13and just bottle them up,
35:15harnessing every fiber of my being
35:17to maintain this constant facade
35:19of seeming affability.
35:22I guess that's probably
35:23why I'm an actor.
35:24I mean,
35:25memorizing Hamlet
35:26as kid stuff
35:26next to controlling
35:27the flood
35:28of homicidal impulses
35:29I deal with
35:29every minute of the day.
35:31Yo,
35:32I gotta go
35:32because I got the...
35:32I suppose eventually
35:33these emotions will explode,
35:35releasing a blinding flash
35:36of brilliant violence,
35:37destroying anything
35:38in my path.
35:39I mean,
35:39it can be set off
35:40by something as simple
35:41as somebody
35:42dinging my car.
35:44Even someone
35:44I consider a friend.
35:45But that hasn't happened yet.
35:48Until it does,
35:50I'm just happy-go-lucky Phil.
36:05You are now watching the TV.
36:12I'll take a club soda.
36:15Hey, baby.
36:24Hard day.
36:26Yeah.
36:28Cigarette.
36:30Nah, really,
36:31I shouldn't.
36:32Don't be so hard
36:33on yourself, darling.
36:39Oh, yeah.
36:42There it is.
36:45Ah, what the hell?
36:50Nice.
36:51You mind?
36:56Flunked my real estate exam today.
36:58I meet my wife here for dinner.
37:00I don't know how
37:00I'm gonna tell her.
37:03God, I forgot
37:04how much I love these babies.
37:05It's the only thing
37:07that gets me through sex.
37:10Tastes damn good.
37:13I can't believe
37:13I'm one of those people
37:14who orders club soda
37:15at a bar.
37:16Well, it's never
37:17too late to change.
37:20Nah, I was a mean drunk.
37:22My wife made us
37:22go to AA together.
37:24Just got, uh,
37:25our six-month chip.
37:28Yeah,
37:28it was either
37:29give up drinking
37:29or give up
37:30my wife
37:30and my dreams.
37:32Yeah,
37:32I had dreams
37:33once, too.
37:35Very rich.
37:36Buy a Cadillac.
37:37Siebert Peck-a-reck.
37:40Guess that's why
37:41they call them dreams.
37:43When you wake up,
37:44they're gone.
37:45It can't be that bad.
37:47Three husbands
37:48all dead from lung cancer,
37:50not one of them smoked.
37:51It's ironic, isn't it?
37:56Only thing that
37:57got me through
37:58is this little
37:58stick of heaven.
38:01My God,
38:02what am I gonna tell
38:02my wife about this test?
38:05How long
38:05you been together?
38:06Seven years.
38:07She's been with you
38:08through thick and thin,
38:09but up with all
38:10your troubles.
38:11Yeah, she really has.
38:12She stood by you
38:13when no one else would.
38:14That's true.
38:16Made you feel
38:16like a man.
38:19You're right.
38:20I'm gonna tell her
38:21the truth.
38:21And after all
38:22you put her through,
38:23you're gonna tell her
38:24you flunked that exam
38:24and you think
38:25she's gonna understand.
38:28Somebody's dreaming again.
38:31God,
38:32what if this is
38:33the last straw?
38:35Wait, wait.
38:39Damn,
38:40where'd all those
38:40cigarettes go?
38:41I just bought that
38:42carton.
38:43Excuse me.
38:44Sure.
38:44Ah, there it is.
39:01My wine just doesn't
39:02seem to do a thing
39:03anymore.
39:05Like a martini,
39:06please.
39:07Make that two.
39:08You know what,
39:08lady?
39:08I feel pretty good.
39:10First thing I'm gonna do
39:10when I get home
39:11is find that bass,
39:11learn to play it.
39:12Then I'm gonna open
39:13a microbrewery.
39:14I can do it all.
39:15You know why?
39:16Because I'm a doer.
39:17Speaking of doers,
39:18give me a shot.
39:24Bobby,
39:25what are you doing?
39:26You're drinking.
39:28Honey, I...
39:28I told you I can't go
39:29through this with you
39:31again.
39:32Honey, please,
39:32listen, I...
39:33I don't know what
39:34could make you do
39:35this to our family.
39:38Oh, get out of here.
39:39Just get out of my side.
39:40Just go.
39:41Go cry into your sponsor.
39:43Let him hold your head
39:44while you vomit.
39:46Oh.
39:49I can sure pick him,
39:50can't I?
39:51Don't be so hard
39:52on yourself, darling.
39:53Cigarette.
39:57Oh, what the hell?
40:00Just pull back
40:01on his ears, baby.
40:05Oh, yeah.
40:07There it is.
40:08I forgot how much
40:09I love these babies.
40:53One, two, three!
41:15Yay!
41:17Well, that's our show for tonight.
41:19Thank you for spending some of your holiday time with us.
41:21Guys, this was my best birthday ever.
41:24Birthday punches!
41:26David, savior.
41:27Oh, yeah.
41:28Jesus, could I have the peace with the rose?
41:31Of course, Nicole.
41:32Thanks.
41:32Wait a minute. You promised me the peace with the rose.
41:35I hope you have a safe and happy holiday.
41:37Yeah. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and joyous Kwanzaa.
41:41Good night!
41:41Good night!
41:43You promised me the peace with the rose.
41:45Oh, thank you!
41:46Thank you!
41:47Thank you!
41:47Good night!
41:49Good night!
41:55SportATION!
41:59Good night!
42:00Good night!
42:01And get up!
42:05And get up!
42:08Good night!
42:09Good night!
42:10It's a powerful game.
42:16Okay, we do!
42:18Thank you, everybody!
42:19Thank you, everybody!
42:20Thank you, everybody!
42:21Thank you!
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