- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 10
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching MADtv!
00:05MAD!
00:08Fellas! Holiday dinner!
00:11Who's hungry for turkey?
00:13Well, we are, I guess.
00:15What is it?
00:17Well, honey, it's not that we don't love your turkey. It's just that...
00:21It's all that complicated chewing.
00:23Yeah, and the swallowing and the digesting. It's really a lot of hard work.
00:28There's gotta be a better way.
00:30Well, now there is, with Spishak's new Suppositurkey.
00:34Suppositurkeys? What's that?
00:37It's the all-new modern way to eat turkey.
00:40You see? Most turkey eating starts up here, at the mouth.
00:44Then it has to travel all the way down here, only to end up here.
00:49But with Spishak's new Suppositurkeys, your turkey starts out where other old-fashioned turkeys end up.
00:54And all in this simple little pill.
00:57Wow, but what's turkey without the dressing?
01:00Glad you asked.
01:01Suppositurkeys comes with mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, dressing, turnips, and Brussels fries.
01:08Mmm! That looks delicious!
01:10And insertions are snap, with Spishak's patented Easy Glide applicator.
01:15Let's do it! I'm starved!
01:18Honey, one second.
01:20Oh, no way! I'm stuffed!
01:22What about you, Jeff?
01:24I couldn't eat another bite.
01:26Son, you hadn't even eaten one!
01:29So this holiday season, stuff your turkey where the sun don't shine, with Spishak's new Suppositurkeys.
01:35And for dessert, don't forget Suppositurries. Pumpkin, sweet potato, and Boston cream.
01:42Suppositurkeys and Suppositurries. New from Spishak, and available without prescription in grocery stores now.
01:48And look for Suppositurries, Suppositurries, Suppositurries, Suppositurries, Suppositurries, Suppositurries, and a complete line of Spishak backdoor dinners coming to your grocery shelves soon.
02:03Spishak backdoor dinners. So good, you'll wish you could taste them.
02:07You'll wish you could taste them.
02:14You're so crazy!
02:24You're so crazy!
02:36Tonight on MADtv, The Love Titanic, Ms. Swan, Furious George, and the Vancombe Lady.
02:43Who are now watching MADtv?
02:46MADtv!
02:59MADtv! MADtv! MADtv! MADtv!
03:04Alright, alright, alright! What a show we got tonight!
03:09I'd like to take this personal opportunity to thank everybody who came and who's coming and who's staying and who's going.
03:14And I'd also like to say to every kid who beat me up in junior high and in high school,
03:19that the human praying mantis that I am lives and dates hot chicks in California!
03:25Woo!
03:29Alright, that's not entirely true. Not a lot of cheering, but...
03:34I got this parking space with my name on it, and...
03:38Yeah! Yeah!
03:42MADtv! Stick around! You're gonna love the show!
03:46Woo!
03:46Woo!
03:46Woo!
03:47Woo!
03:48Woo!
03:49Woo!
03:50Woo!
03:51Woo!
03:52Woo!
03:53Woo!
03:54Woo!
03:55Woo!
03:56Woo!
03:57Woo!
03:58Woo!
03:59Woo!
04:00Woo!
04:01Woo!
04:02Woo!
04:03Woo!
04:04Woo!
04:05Woo!
04:06Woo!
04:07Woo!
04:08Woo!
04:09This fall, ABC spells action and romance on the high seas.
04:14Now you don't have to go to the big screen to see a disaster.
04:18It's an all-star cast featuring Don Most and Joyce DeWitt as a couple who have a date with destiny.
04:25Well, who's this happy young couple?
04:27Why, that's Peter and Mary Pippin.
04:29They just got married.
04:32He's a well-known textile manufacturer, and she's a well-known nymphomaniac.
04:37I've known a few nymphomaniacs myself.
04:39If you're talking about your ex-wives, Adam, they were just maniacs.
04:45Hello, I'm Captain Stooping.
04:48Hi, we're the Pippins.
04:49Oh.
04:53So, I believe we requested the honeymoon suite.
04:57Let me see.
04:59Yes, you're on the Lido deck. Enjoy your cruise.
05:03I'm sure we will.
05:04Just as soon as someone remembers that she's married.
05:08Honey. Honey. Honey!
05:13Sorry. Force of habit.
05:15I'm such a sucker for a man in the uniform.
05:18Well, do you think that maybe you could save a little bit for our honeymoon night?
05:25Down, girl. Down. Down.
05:28She's just a little friendly.
05:31That's okay.
05:32Okay. Everyone gets friendly on the Love Titanic.
05:36Ice.
05:38It's exciting and new.
05:43Look ahead.
05:48It's in front of you.
05:52And ice.
05:55It's not just for drinks.
05:59If you crash into it, your whole boat sinks.
06:08Titanic.
06:10Sailing along on the open sea.
06:16Don't panic.
06:18Soon you'll be floating among debris.
06:22Glub, glub.
06:24Man overboard.
06:26Glub, glub, glub, glub.
06:28This couple's marriage is in big trouble.
06:32And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
06:34And another thing.
06:35What about this morning?
06:36I wake up at the crack of dawn and you're nowhere to be found.
06:40I was trying to find us some lounge chairs.
06:45Yeah, well, what about skinny dipping with all those matadors?
06:48Well, you were supposed to back my swimsuit.
06:53Honey, nothing's going on.
06:55Oh, yeah?
06:57Well, then how do you explain this?
07:03Look, if you're going to get upset every time I have sex with another man, then this marriage is off.
07:07Well, that is just fine with me.
07:11Hey, you guys up for some limbo?
07:13With her, I'd rather slam into an iceberg.
07:22I still got it.
07:28Hey, Isaac.
07:30Give me a double, will you?
07:32Whoa.
07:32On the rocks?
07:34No, no.
07:34I've had enough of that for one day.
07:36Yeah.
07:37That iceberg, huh?
07:38Yeah, my marriage.
07:39You know, Mr. Pippen, your wife's a nymphomaniac.
07:42And you said you'd stay with her through sickness and in health.
07:46Well, nymphomaniac is a sickness.
07:48And nothing heals like sweet, sweet love.
07:53You know what?
07:56You are so right.
07:58Mary, wait.
07:59I love you.
08:01I love you, too.
08:04Now is it my turn?
08:08Man, they never pay.
08:12I feel terrible.
08:17I was supposed to go down with the ship.
08:20Go down?
08:21Well, why don't we try to look at the bright side?
08:24Help me!
08:25Get off of there, you.
08:26There's no room.
08:28You know, the doctor's right.
08:30Sure, thousands of people are dying.
08:32But at least we're saved.
08:34Hey, aren't you forgetting something?
08:35We also saved our marriage.
08:37Right, honey?
08:39Honey?
08:42Honey, I can explain.
08:44Yeah, right.
08:44Why don't you go sit on it?
08:46I think I am.
08:50Hello, Titanic.
08:52Saturdays at nine.
08:54Then stay tuned for the lifeboat.
08:55The lifeboat.
08:56The lifeboat.
08:59Bobbing along in the deadly sea.
09:03The lifeboat.
09:05Full of survivors like you and me.
09:17Lower expectation.
09:22Miss one, number four, nine, oh.
09:25Okay, what you want me to do?
09:28Just say what kind of man you're looking for.
09:31Okay, I tell you, I'm looking for a man.
09:35Is that it?
09:37Yeah.
09:37No, no.
09:39Okay, what kind of man?
09:40Yeah, okay, a kind man.
09:42Not mean man.
09:44Is that all?
09:46Yeah, no.
09:47No, I tell you.
09:48Very important, okay.
09:51He...
09:52Hmm?
09:53You have to look like a man.
09:55You want to describe him?
09:57Yeah, okay, yeah.
09:58I describe, you describe.
10:00No, you describe him.
10:01Yeah, okay, you go ahead.
10:03Go ahead.
10:04You go ahead.
10:05You go ahead.
10:06And do it to the camera.
10:08Okay.
10:10You go ahead.
10:11Oh.
10:12Four, miss one.
10:13Press down four, nine, oh.
10:15Lower expectation.
10:19Like every woman, there are two sides to me.
10:27The blue side.
10:27That's about love.
10:28And the purple side.
10:29Wow!
10:30Or vice versa.
10:31I don't have eyes behind my head, you know?
10:33May!
10:35You are now watching that TV.
10:38May!
10:39Oh, look, George.
10:48Did you remember this photo?
10:50This was taken the first day I found you.
10:54This is George.
10:56He lived in his natural habitat in the jungle where he was very happy.
11:00He was a good little monkey, but he was always very curious.
11:04Hmm, what a cute monkey.
11:09How can I outwit him?
11:22Don't worry, little fella.
11:24I didn't kill you.
11:25And so George left his jungle habitat for his new home in the city.
11:30The man in the yellow hat sold George to the man in the yellow lab coat for 50 bucks.
11:38Don't be scared, George.
11:39You're in your new home.
11:41This was a magical place, full of animals George had never seen before,
11:46having the kinds of adventures George had never had in the jungle.
11:50There was Cyclops the fish, Blinky the rabbit, Harry, the hairspray cat, Puffy the smoking dog,
11:58and Jerry the gerbil, who was being forced to catch up on some non-stop fox.
12:02Probably sure sucks.
12:04Probably sure sucks.
12:06Monkey, look, it's your favorite.
12:09Hmm, yeah, yeah.
12:12George was still curious.
12:14George hoped the next day would be more fun.
12:24Thanks to you, Liz Taylor has a new fragrance, white lesions.
12:29Okay, George, you're next.
12:31This was the moment when George turned from curious to furious.
12:36George feared that the man in the yellow lab coat did not understand him.
12:52So he was determined to make his point.
13:00Finally, he got through to the man in the yellow lab coat.
13:06Then George freed his friends so they could play the games they wanted to play.
13:12Oh, let me tell you, I'm coming down at the back in case of glaucoma.
13:28When the man in the yellow lab coat woke up, he, too, was curious.
13:32The animals decided to let the man in the yellow lab coat have the same kind of fun that they had been having.
13:42The games were stimulating, and even Jerry the gerbil found a cozy new home.
13:48The animals made sure that the man in the yellow lab coat would never forget this day.
14:02Thanks to the animals, the man in the yellow lab coat would be together forever.
14:13Thanks to the animals, the man in the yellow lab coat would be together forever.
14:28And that's how George wasn't curious anymore.
14:38Arlene, get off of Chelsea's bed.
14:40Yeah, Arlene, I wouldn't sit there if I were you. I told you don't sit there.
14:43Excuse me.
14:44Wouldn't want to offend the president's daughter.
14:47Stop it.
14:48All right, I'm sorry. Good.
14:50But seriously, seriously, Jackie, tell me the real truth.
14:52What is it like being Chelsea Clinton's roommate?
14:55It is great. She is the best roommate I could ever ask for.
14:59See, that's not what I heard.
15:01See, Stephanie said that you said that she was a mega bitch.
15:04I never said that. Never.
15:09Hi, Chelsea.
15:10Hi, Dave.
15:12Hey, Chelsea.
15:13Hi, Jackie.
15:14Hi, Tom.
15:15Uh, you know what?
15:16It's Tim.
15:16I'm Tim.
15:17I'm Tim.
15:18I said, hi, Tom.
15:20And that was a real good name you gave him there, Chelsea.
15:24Yeah, good. Real, real, real good.
15:26Yeah.
15:27Your name is Natan.
15:28It is now.
15:30I'm sorry. I don't think we've met.
15:32Oh, uh, this is Arlene from my woman's studies course.
15:35We're doing a report on Gloria Steinem.
15:38Gloria Steinem? Please.
15:40She never should have left Miami's sound machine.
15:42Ah!
15:47That's a real good joke you told there, Chelsea.
15:49Oh, real, real, real good.
15:50Yeah.
15:51It did not sound like she was joking to me.
15:53Oh, okay.
15:54I don't think I like you very much.
15:58Miss Clinton, good news.
15:59You passed that English exam with flying colors.
16:02Hmm.
16:02How's my biology project coming?
16:04Uh, they ran out of frogs to dissect.
16:07Hmm.
16:08Sad.
16:09Oh, Arlene, that's so sweet of you to volunteer.
16:12Make her gone.
16:13What are you talking about?
16:14I didn't volunteer for anyone.
16:15I'm not going any other.
16:16I'm sorry.
16:18Chelsea, please.
16:18No, Miss Clinton.
16:20No.
16:24She seemed sweet.
16:26That's a real good thing you did there, Chelsea.
16:29Oh, real, real good.
16:31Yeah.
16:32Congratulations, Miss Clinton.
16:35You just made the swim team.
16:37Varsity?
16:38Of course.
16:39You're a real good swimmer, Chelsea.
16:41Oh, so good.
16:41Real, real good.
16:42Yeah.
16:42I'm allergic to chlorine.
16:44It was supposed to be lacrosse.
16:46You know what to do.
16:50Carpet.
16:50Oh, Jackie.
17:01What?
17:01Who was on my bed?
17:03Uh, do you know what the funny thing is?
17:04I told Arlene I should look at you.
17:06When I want your opinion, I will have one of Daddy's speechwriters carve it into your cold,
17:11dead corpse.
17:12I ain't afraid of you.
17:14Oh, be afraid.
17:15Be very afraid.
17:17Tony, clean up on aisle two.
17:19Chelsea, no!
17:26The killing has to stop.
17:28There won't be anyone left to talk to.
17:37I know.
17:38It's just so hard for me to find real friends.
17:40Well, you can't do it through intimidation.
17:42I'm very sorry.
17:43Uh, look, you just gotta trust that people are gonna like you, okay?
17:47I'll be your friend.
17:49Really?
17:50Yeah.
17:51You want out the Secret Service?
17:52Especially without the Secret Service.
17:55Really?
17:56Okay.
17:57Thanks, friend.
18:03Good news, Miss Clinton.
18:06You're no longer a virgin.
18:08Well, that's not all it's cracked up to be now, is it?
18:11Tell me about it.
18:21Coming up next on Mad TV.
18:24Any of this, or this, and especially none of this!
18:28Now, you and I are two men, right?
18:31Whoa.
18:31Right?
18:31Right?
18:32Oh, yeah, right, right!
18:33This is a madhouse.
18:35You know, right?
18:37A madhouse!
18:40Made!
18:41You are now watching Mad TV.
18:47Hi, folks.
18:49I'm Big Don.
18:49Me and my wife, Thelma, has opened up the largest discount shirt warehouse in the state.
18:53We got all kinds of shirts.
18:54Tell them, Thelma.
18:55We got button-downs, short sleeves, long sleeves, dress shirts, T-shirts, you name it.
18:58You can't never have too many shirts.
19:00You want to know why?
19:00Tell them, Thelma.
19:02A shirt happens.
19:05But the best thing about Big Don's Discount Shirt Barn is that it's so easy to get to.
19:09Tell them, Thelma.
19:10Go straight down the beltway.
19:12Get off at Four Corners.
19:14Make a ride at the Rugga-Cross Church.
19:16Then two more stop signs.
19:18Stay to the right.
19:18Through the underpass at the big stoplight.
19:20A quick left at the donut hole.
19:22And another left at the salad bowl.
19:24Then pass the pine tree with one branch.
19:26And bear to the left of the ostrich ranch.
19:29Right by the stump of the old oak tree.
19:31And over the tracks.
19:32Pass the grocery.
19:33Then just go straight and you'll be fine.
19:35Until you see the big white sign of Big Don's Shirt Barn.
19:39You might want to tell them again, Thelma.
19:41But this time, hurry up.
19:42Because these commercials be costing me money.
19:43Go straight down the beltway.
19:45Get off at Four Corners.
19:46Make a ride at the Rugga-Cross Church.
19:47Then two more stop signs.
19:48Stay to the right.
19:49Through the underpass at the big stoplight.
19:50Then a quick left at the donut hole.
19:51And another left at the salad bowl.
19:53Pass the pine tree with one branch.
19:54And bear to the left of the ostrich ranch.
19:56Right by the stump of the old oak tree.
19:57And over the tracks.
19:58That's the grocery.
19:58Just go straight and you'll be fine.
20:00Until you see the big white sign of Big Don's Shirt Barn.
20:03See you all later.
20:04Bye.
20:08I don't know, man.
20:09I think it's getting worse.
20:10You know, I did what you said.
20:10I got the puppy.
20:11And it's not helping.
20:13I think the puppy's depressed.
20:14Oh, oh, there's Jill.
20:15I gotta get her to set me up with Michael.
20:17I'll see you later.
20:17Hey, hey, hey.
20:18I'm talking to you here, man.
20:19I'm completely depressed.
20:21You know, it's like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
20:23And I just don't want to live.
20:24I know.
20:25And you want to die.
20:25But have you seen Michael?
20:26Oh, my God.
20:27That man is so fun.
20:28Look, I'll talk to you about the crushing stuff later.
20:31Oh.
20:31Hi, Jill.
20:32Girlfriend.
20:32How you doing, hon?
20:33Hi.
20:34Hey, what's up?
20:36I had the best first date of my life last night.
20:38You're kidding.
20:39No, I mean, we just, we talked and talked about everything, you know?
20:44And I didn't know I could feel so attracted, especially because he's a good friend.
20:49Aw.
20:50You know him.
20:51It's Michael.
20:55Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael.
20:57Oh, Michael!
20:58Yeah.
20:58Michael, Michael, Michael.
20:59Yeah.
20:59Yeah.
21:00Yeah, of course I know Michael.
21:01Yeah.
21:02Yeah.
21:03So you went on a date with Michael.
21:04Yeah.
21:04Michael, Michael.
21:05Yeah.
21:06Yeah.
21:06Wow, I didn't know he dated women.
21:09Oh, gosh, does he ever.
21:10But, you know, I don't know, I feel kind of weird because the date was last night, and
21:14tonight he's acting a little standoffish.
21:18Standoffish?
21:18Yeah, yeah, I don't know how to play it.
21:20Oh.
21:21Well, if I were you, I mean, if I were you, I'd act like a total bitch.
21:26Because guys love that.
21:27They do?
21:29Yeah, are you kidding?
21:30They love it when a woman acts like a total bitch.
21:32You know what?
21:32When you see him, call him an imminent loser and then make fun of his clothes, because
21:36guys love that, too.
21:37Are you sure?
21:39Take a while for that stuff.
21:40Jill, where have you been?
21:42I don't know.
21:42Oh, and be really loud, because guys love loud chicks.
21:45God, I didn't know that.
21:46Louder.
21:46I didn't know that.
21:48Okay, and more shrill, because guys love shrill.
21:50I didn't, I didn't know, like, I didn't know that.
21:54That's really good.
21:55Now, see, you keep that up and he's yours, but almost.
21:57What?
21:58You know, what guys really love.
22:00No, what?
22:00What?
22:01Bow-legged women.
22:03Really?
22:03They love it when you walk all bow-legged.
22:05It makes them think that you're good in the sack.
22:07What?
22:07Yeah.
22:08Well, like, like this?
22:10Okay, that's good, but more so, more so, more, more.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Now, now, now, lick your lips, because guys think that's sexy.
22:19Okay, waiter, waiter.
22:20Okay, slather the spit.
22:23Okay, and make it, kick them.
22:25Okay, stop, stop, stop.
22:28Time out, because you are one hot babe.
22:31You're making me hot.
22:32Get out of here.
22:33Can you make that farty noise under your arm?
22:35Why?
22:36Because that's a guy's sense of humor, and guys love funny chicks.
22:39I don't know if I can do it.
22:40Try it.
22:41All right, well.
22:42Oh!
22:45Now, see, that is funny.
22:46Oh, my God.
22:47You know, I am so jealous of you.
22:49Michael is going to fall so in love with you.
22:51Are you sure?
22:52I'm your friend, aren't I?
22:54Yes, you are.
22:55Oh, God, there's Michael.
22:58Hey, Susan.
22:58Hi, Michael.
22:59Hey, Jill, what's up?
23:00Well, we know what's not up, you impotent loser.
23:11You know, you seem really different tonight.
23:14Yeah, well, Liberace called me like his shirt back, ass head.
23:21Whoa, whoa, whoa.
23:22Did I say something to make you mad at me?
23:23Because I thought we had a really good time last night.
23:25Yeah, well, you thought wrong.
23:27God, I had no idea you were so, like, sexy, strong, and funny.
23:42Let's get back to my place.
23:50Hey, cutie.
23:51What's happening?
23:52Hi, Greg.
23:56Hi, Greg.
23:57What's up?
23:59I gotta go, okay?
24:05Hey, so, uh, can we talk about me now?
24:08Uh, yeah, okay.
24:10Good.
24:11It's just like, you know, I got more...
24:11Excuse me, I'm gonna get a chip.
24:13All right, so that's good.
24:14An abyss, you know, it's like a black hole.
24:16Lower expectation.
24:31This one, number four, nine, oh.
24:34Okay, okay, I have $200 for couch.
24:37Final offer.
24:38No, I'm not selling the couch.
24:40Just describe your ideal man.
24:42Yeah, okay, yeah, I tell you, he...
24:44Mm-hmm.
24:45Should look like a man.
24:47Just tell me what kind of man, okay?
24:49Yeah, okay, you know, a man, man.
24:51You know, okay.
24:53What kind of man?
24:55Okay, you drive a hard bargain.
24:57$250 for couch.
24:59Would you forget about the couch?
25:00Do you want a date or not?
25:02Yeah, okay, I go out with you.
25:04No, that's not what I meant.
25:06Yeah, you ask me out on date.
25:08I say, okay, we go.
25:09No, no, I'm not going out with you.
25:11I was just asking.
25:13Oh, don't cry.
25:16You don't want to go out with me?
25:18You ask me out on a date,
25:19now you say no, you typical.
25:22No, look.
25:23He's like a typical man, you do.
25:26No, no, look.
25:28Lady, look, I...
25:30No, no, no good.
25:32You're just like a man.
25:33You take and you take and you take.
25:36All right, I'll go out with you.
25:38Okay.
25:39Okay.
25:40Okay.
25:41F***ing job.
25:44Oh, no, this is all so sad and I can't believe it.
25:48Four, this one, there's not four, I hope.
25:58Yeah.
25:59Gotta let the people know what they're watching.
26:00Yeah, of course.
26:01You are not watching my TV.
26:03Oh, you're such a baby.
26:04I'll do my thing on camera.
26:05You are not watching my TV.
26:12May.
26:12Hi, welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital.
26:17How may I help you?
26:19I'm going to have a baby and it's two months early.
26:22All right, the doctor is very busy,
26:24but let me ask you a few quick questions.
26:26Can you give me your husband's name so we can contact him?
26:28No, I'm not married.
26:29No, I'm not married.
26:29Ow.
26:31Yeah.
26:34You know what?
26:36Uh-uh.
26:38Uh-uh.
26:39Cha, you know what?
26:42Uh-uh.
26:43Cha, you know what?
26:45Uh-uh.
26:46Cha, you know what?
26:48Uh-uh.
26:49Cha, you know what?
26:51Uh-uh.
26:52Cha, you know what?
26:54Uh-uh.
26:55Cha, you know what?
26:58Bring in the alien who crashed his spacecraft on our world.
27:04Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty, whatever the hell you are.
27:09Char, you know what, Stinky?
27:12You're hardly in a position to be calling ourselves dirty.
27:15You should have thought about changing your underwear after your ship crashed.
27:21Woo!
27:22This is a madhouse.
27:25A madhouse!
27:31You are in the hall of the great Vancombe lady.
27:36Char, you know what?
27:38Uh-huh, uh-huh.
27:40Vancombe lady.
27:42The Vancombe lady was a recurring character on the wildly popular mad TV back on Earth.
27:47I warned our scientists about beaming those television signals into space.
27:51But no!
27:52Silence!
27:56You must face the judgment of the goddess.
28:00Okay there, healing killer.
28:03What part of silence didn't you understand?
28:08You, but that's impossible.
28:18You know what?
28:20Uh-uh.
28:22This is insanity.
28:24How did you get on this planet?
28:25Isn't he sweet?
28:27Now I know it's not Harlem, but you'd still think you'd recognize Earth.
28:34Earth.
28:36Oh my God.
28:37Okay, no time for prayer there, Mohammed.
28:40Let's get one thing straight.
28:44The only God here is me.
28:46Uh, you know what?
28:48Uh-uh.
28:50But how could this happen?
28:52How could a fictional recurring character, even one from such an influential and massively
28:56successful show is mad TV, become a god?
29:01Okay, let's see.
29:02You left Earth in, all right, a black astronaut sent into space by himself.
29:07Let's say 2150 at the earliest.
29:10Um...
29:10I left Earth in the year 2001.
29:13Yeah, and Robert Downey Jr. is a social drinker.
29:16In 1997, the great Van Combe lady went into the hospital for a simple operation.
29:25Yeah, the last thing I remember is asking Dr. Goldensteinberg if that was his real nose
29:30or was he just happy to see me.
29:33Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
29:36Thank you, thank you, yeah.
29:37Let me sum it up for you, Lieutenant Uhura.
29:41I was on my back when they thawed me out, and I've been there ever since.
29:44You mean to tell me you're sleeping with everyone on this planet?
29:48Well, I have a lot of time to make up for me.
29:51I was frigid for 700 years.
29:55I'm repulsed and aroused all at the same time.
29:59Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one, huh?
30:02I cannot stand by and let this nightmare continue.
30:07People of Earth, your lives have become an abomination.
30:10This woman is no god.
30:12Okay, sir, don't talk to me that way.
30:13She is not worthy of...
30:15La, la, la.
30:16Put not your faith in false heights.
30:18La, la, la, la, la.
30:19You can hear me and you know it.
30:22These are my people, Vancombe lady.
30:25And I say unto you, let my people go.
30:32Okay, heck of a speech there, Moses, but...
30:34You're talking to the original Burning Bush here.
30:38And I got a couple things to...
30:40Taylor, your words have moved me, and yet we need a leader.
30:47And if not the great Vancombe, then whom?
30:51I was hoping it wouldn't come down to this.
30:54But if we must, we shall exchange one god for another.
31:00Christmas, Anna.
31:01Gregor, will you look who it is?
31:03You guys, you guys can worship me, Jack, the UBS guy.
31:12Oh, worship Jack, the UBS guy.
31:16Hey, why don't you guys, uh, I don't know, like, uh, like, bow down before my mind.
31:20Oh, look at that, there they go.
31:24Okay, well, thanks so much for letting me be your god.
31:28And it was nice sleeping with all of you.
31:30Take care of me.
31:30Hey, you taking off?
31:31My work here is done.
31:33Well, why don't you take my spaceship?
31:35You know, I'm not gonna be needed now that I'm like, you know, king of the world.
31:38Okay, okay, watch your back, Jack.
31:40That guy right there is bucking to be your queen.
31:43Bye-bye.
31:43Oh, um, all hail, uh, me.
31:51All hail the UBS guy.
31:54UBS guy.
31:55UBS guy.
31:57UBS guy.
32:05Woo!
32:09I wonder, is it hot in here?
32:11It is now, Vonda.
32:13Cause the Parker sisters have arrived.
32:16Woo!
32:18As usual, all the men's eyes are on us.
32:21You'd think they'd never seen twins before.
32:24Not looking this good.
32:25You can say that again.
32:26Not looking this good.
32:27Woo!
32:29Yoo-hoo, tender of the bar.
32:31Two black Russians for two white foxes.
32:35Oh, it's starting already.
32:37I can smell it.
32:38That's right, you keep on walking, cause you ain't got a snowball chance in hell of getting any of this, or this, and especially none of this.
32:47Uh-oh, punch alert.
32:54Hey, I thought you couldn't bring a dog into this bar without no leash.
32:57Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
32:59And, uh, here are your drinks.
33:01Wow.
33:02Well, howdy doody, and may I ask who sent these over, Chuckles?
33:05You just ordered the twigs.
33:07Okay, if you say so, he's protecting somebody.
33:11You men all stick together.
33:13Like twigs and glue.
33:15Yep.
33:16Excuse me.
33:17Oh, there's a route after some cheese.
33:20Yeah, look, is this stool taken?
33:22Like I never heard that one before.
33:25Put it back in your pants, cowboy.
33:27Yeah, last thing I wanted you throwing your salad on my back, you fucking brat.
33:31Cause you ain't getting none of this or this, and especially none of this!
33:41Oh my God, Wanda!
33:43They's playing our song!
33:45Alright, hold on to your men, ladies, cause this is where you lose them.
33:48That's right.
33:49Let's really drive them wild.
33:50Okay, girl on girl.
33:52You got it.
33:53Woo!
33:54Woo!
33:55Eat your horny hearts out!
33:57Woo!
33:58We better stop before the fire alarm goes off.
34:00You know, I think I hear it already.
34:02Woo!
34:03Oh, God.
34:04I'm feeling a little woozy.
34:06Something's happening.
34:07Do me!
34:08Do me now!
34:09One cherry twiggy's picking bad!
34:12Wanda!
34:13Wanda, get a hold of yourself!
34:15Get a hold of yourself!
34:16But I wanna get laid!
34:18Don't you wanna get laid?
34:19Yeah, but not like this!
34:20You can let go of him!
34:21And you skit-skat-skidly-doo-skidly-doo-dat-doo!
34:25Now listen to me!
34:26What?
34:27You as a Parker!
34:28Yeah?
34:29You look at my eyes, baby!
34:30You're not a Hatfield!
34:31You ain't a McCoy!
34:32You are the best of a breed!
34:34Alright?
34:35Yeah?
34:36And the Parkers never give it away!
34:37But I ain't never had it!
34:39You ain't never had it neither!
34:43Alright, I wish you hadn't brought that up, but that's true okay yet!
34:47But I'll tell you something right now!
34:48What?
34:49We're gonna give it away on the day we say I do!
34:51Oh, yeah!
34:52Yeah!
34:53Now what do we tell the fellers?
34:55Oh, that you ain't gettin' none of this!
34:58Yes, yeah!
34:59And a...
35:00None of this!
35:01And a...
35:02None of this!
35:03And a special adieu!
35:04Yes!
35:05Woo!
35:06Woo!
35:07How did you go?
35:08Woo!
35:10Woo!
35:13You are now watching MADtv!
35:18Maeve!
35:24Oh, Bob.
35:27I want you so bad, Deb!
35:29Oh, how badly?
35:30This bad.
35:33Fooling around with the boss's wife.
35:35Oh, you naughty boy.
35:37What do you want, naughty or nice?
35:39Definitely naughty.
35:41No, hey.
35:42Hi.
35:43Hi.
35:46Hi.
35:51Hey, Mr. Henderson.
35:52How are you?
35:54Working late at the Christmas party, huh?
35:55Oh, you know me.
35:56Yeah, me too.
35:58Hey, who's there behind you?
35:59Who?
36:00Oh, hey, Mrs. Parrish.
36:02Oh, that's so funny.
36:03I just saw your husband outside.
36:04He's looking all over for you.
36:06I'll get him.
36:06No, no, no.
36:07No, no.
36:07No, um, look, whatever it is you think that is going on here, you're severely mistaken.
36:14Yeah, because we were, uh...
36:15I know what you were doing.
36:16You can't put one past me.
36:18You don't want Mr. Parrish to know you're in here.
36:21Because you're wrapping a gift.
36:23Oh, let's be honest.
36:26Yeah, wrapping a gift.
36:28That's good, wrapping a gift.
36:29Wrapping a gift.
36:30Wrapping a gift.
36:31Wrapping a gift.
36:32You guys aren't wrapping a gift.
36:34Uh, what?
36:36What?
36:36Not without wrapping paper, you're not, you know?
36:38You know, Susie in Accounting has this kind of, like, little bells and mistletub.
36:42I'll call it.
36:43Uh, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm...
36:47What is your name again?
36:49Ron?
36:50Uh, Jack.
36:51Ron, okay.
36:52That's close enough.
36:52How you doing, Jack?
36:53How long you been working for me?
36:55Uh, I don't know, like six years.
36:56Well, actually, six and a half, you know, because I spent some time in a different branch.
36:59You know, so technically...
37:00Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever.
37:01Okay.
37:02What we need to do is get back to this wrapping a gift thing, right?
37:05Okay.
37:05Now, you and I are two men, right?
37:07Right.
37:07Right?
37:08Right.
37:08Oh, yeah, right, right.
37:10Okay.
37:10And we have this bond, right?
37:11Two men have a bond, right?
37:12Oh, totally.
37:13Oh, you know, I remember this one time I was, you know, fishing with my dad, and I caught
37:16this fish.
37:17Only, like, it wasn't a fish, it was like an otter or something with claws.
37:19Okay, okay, okay, okay, whatever.
37:20Whatever.
37:21What I'm saying is, this is our secret, okay?
37:25Oh, yeah.
37:25And we can't have Mr. P find out about it, right?
37:29Yeah, no, if somebody finds out about a secret, it could be a real problem.
37:31That's right, exactly, yes.
37:33And you are the kind of guy that can keep a secret.
37:36And you know what that means?
37:37That makes you a team player, and team players get rewarded.
37:40Oh, yeah, totally.
37:41Like, I remember on my junior high soccer team, you know, whenever we won a game, my coach,
37:45Mr. Hendricks, would, like, take us and let us swim in his pool.
37:48Of course, he had to move out of that house after his wife divorced him.
37:51I think she caught him messing around with another woman or something.
37:53You don't see that happen, don't you?
37:54Oh, my God.
37:55I don't want to see that happen.
37:57My wife is a lawyer.
37:58She's really big.
37:59She's huge.
37:59Okay, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
38:00I'll take some time down.
38:01Jack, what I think Bob wants to know is how you would like to be rewarded for your discretion.
38:08Sure, sure.
38:09Yeah, like, we could all use some vacation time.
38:11Vacation time.
38:12Not me.
38:13I love working.
38:14I mean, great thing about UPS, you know, we deliver packages seven days a week.
38:18All right, right, right.
38:19How about a company car?
38:20That'd be great.
38:21Okay.
38:21Of course, I don't know when I'd drive it.
38:23I mean, usually I'd just take the truck away.
38:24Give me a drop.
38:25Oh, you're not helping.
38:27king.
38:27Maybe Mr. Parrish has some ideas.
38:29Okay, fine.
38:31I'll double your salary.
38:32Oh, Bob, don't be so cheap.
38:34I'll triple your salary.
38:35You'll be the highest paid driver in the entire United States.
38:39Oh, okay.
38:39Cool.
38:41Cool.
38:42Cool.
38:42Cool.
38:43Well, I better go off.
38:44I'm going to get these packages out.
38:45Right on.
38:46Yeah, it's nice running into you guys.
38:48Okay.
38:48Yeah, take care.
38:49Merry Christmas.
38:50Merry Christmas to you, Jack.
38:51Merry Christmas, Jack.
38:52Hey, Jack.
38:53Have you seen my wife?
38:55Oh, yeah, Mr. Parrish.
38:56She's right in here with Mr. Henderson.
38:57Oh, my God.
39:00I have a huge fear of a commitment.
39:19You know, sometimes things work, and sometimes they don't.
39:22Yeah, okay.
39:24All right.
39:26Okay.
39:27Loser.
39:28What?
39:28Okay, why don't you just describe the kind of man that you want?
39:32Yeah, okay.
39:32I'll tell you.
39:33I'll tell you what kind of man I want.
39:35I want to be a real man, you know.
39:37Not some jerk like a jerk boy over here.
39:41All right.
39:42I have to be sweet.
39:43You know, not to go on day and make you pay for a teen.
39:47No.
39:47You know, make a lot of noise when you eat.
39:50Mwah, mwah, mwah.
39:51You can't eat like this.
39:52No, and not to take you and not even go to a movie.
39:56You know, and then the day ends by nine o'clock.
39:59Okay.
39:59You know, and then they make you take the bus home.
40:02Okay, that's enough.
40:03Yeah.
40:03I want a man who act like a man.
40:06Okay, you know, look like a man.
40:07All right.
40:08That's good.
40:09Man, you know, I want a man who has a real job.
40:12Not like this bozo over here.
40:14Okay.
40:14You call me.
40:16Okay.
40:19Four, miss one.
40:20Press pound four, nine, oh.
40:22Lower expectations.
40:30This is what we do in between funny skits.
40:32No.
40:33Fat and sugar.
40:34It's what comedy is made of.
40:36Funny.
40:36No.
40:44That's our show for tonight.
40:50Same time, same station.
40:51We out.
40:52We out.
40:53We out.
40:54We out.
40:56We out.
40:58We out.
41:02We out.
41:04We out.
41:06We out.
41:08We out.
41:10We out.
41:11We out.
41:12We out.
41:13We out.
41:14We out.
41:14We out.
41:44Woohoo!
Recommended
41:46
|
Up next
41:47
42:08
41:45
42:42
42:08
41:47
41:47
41:47
41:47
41:45
41:45
41:45
41:46
41:50
41:46
41:45
43:00
41:47
42:56
42:45
41:45
41:49
41:49
41:56
Be the first to comment