MADtv S03E16

Mad TV

Season 3 Episode 16  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:01You are now watching MADtv

00:04MADE!

00:11Oh, hi there.

00:12Welcome to Paul Timmerman's Workshop.

00:14I'm Paul Timmerman.

00:15Today we're going to be finishing up the shelves

00:17on that white pine curio cabinet

00:19that we started last week.

00:20So, let's get at her.

00:23You know, white pine is just a wonderful woman of a wood,

00:26a real fine country lady.

00:28So, you're going to want to be sure to take your time

00:30and be gentle.

00:31I like to reinforce the joints

00:33with these three-quarter inch wood screws.

00:35Now, I'm going to place a screw right on the tip

00:37of the drill like this here

00:38and position it on the side of the shelf like so.

00:40Now, when you're doing this,

00:42you want to keep the shelf real steady

00:44because once that screw's in, it's in.

00:58Okay, I think you get the idea.

01:01Let's go over and make us a top shelf.

01:03But first, I'm going to put on my safety goggles.

01:05Now, I can't tell you how many letters I get

01:07from folks who've injured their eyes

01:08due to a nasty chip of wood or whatnot flying in there.

01:11Now, I've got a 10-inch wide board,

01:12and I'm going to split it right down the middle.

01:14Here we go.

01:18All right, now you see why these goggles are so important,

01:20because you've got to keep your eyes on the wood at all times.

01:22Can't be looking up here because...

01:32Well, I'll tell you what.

01:33Let's cut to a commercial.

01:36All righty.

01:38Run the tape.

01:39Oh, mercy.

01:41Hi, I'm Paul Timberman of Paul Timberman's Workshop.

01:44When I need a nail gun, I reach for a Nail-O-Matic.

01:47Nail-O-Matic's been in the nail gun business for over 40 years

01:50with a tradition of excellence and quality.

01:55They're fast, dependable, and always hit their mark.

01:57So remember, every nail's a bullseye.

02:04It's Nail-O-Matic.

02:08Nail-O-Matic.

02:09Available at hardware stores everywhere.

02:11Ask for it by name.

02:15For the purpose of time, I'm going to cheat a bit

02:17to show you the finished killing it.

02:18This is just great for showing off a little knick-knacks

02:21or touching family momenta.

02:23And I'm sure you'll agree.

02:24This is the perfect piece for the living room

02:26or a child's bedroom.

02:27And it's not only functional,

02:29but it's something beautiful to look at.

02:32Tell you what, I don't feel so hot.

02:34Get out, get out of here.

02:35No!

02:41Fashion, Country Kravy...

02:44...all Timberman's workshop is brought to you by Skyzer Permanente.

02:47Skyzer Permanente.

02:50Because accidents happen.

02:52Accidents happen.

03:22Tonight on MADtv, special guest Mark Hamill, Darlene McBride, and Corky and the Juice Pigs.

03:30You are now watching MADtv.

03:32All right, okie-dokie! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, all right.

03:57Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to MADtv.

04:01We've got a great show. I want to thank you all for coming out. Thank everyone all for tuning in.

04:06We've got a great show, right, Chris? Yeah!

04:08Lots of laughs, right, Chris? Yeah!

04:11You did go to the bathroom before we came out here, right, Chris?

04:14No! Chris!

04:21Ok, we've got a great show. That's what's going on.

04:25I'm going to have to thank them.

04:27We have to thank you all for tuning in!

04:28We've got a great show, right?

04:29We've got a great show!

04:30We've got a great show, right?

04:31Thanks, Chris.

04:32Thank you!

04:33Thank you!

04:34Thank you!

04:35Thank you!

04:36You are me.

04:37You are me.

04:40You are me.

04:43Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome comedy legend, Bob Saget.

04:59Thank you. Thanks a lot. Hey, how about those Swiss, huh? I tell you, if I spent as much time

05:09yodeling and dancing through the mountains as they do, I'd hide Nazi gold, too.

05:13Speaking of funny, how many out there remember a little sitcom by the name of Full House?

05:19Thank you. Thanks a lot. During its 17-year run, we won over 200 Emmys and were broadcast

05:25to more than 400 million countries worldwide. Thank you. You guys are a great audience.

05:30Hey, how many Swiss does it take to screw in a light bulb?

05:33How many? One. The rest of the country was too busy staying neutral as Hitler's army swept

05:38across Europe. Okay. What would a Full House reunion be without the whole Full House family?

05:45Please help me welcome John Stamos, Lori Loughlin, and of course, America's two favorite Muppets,

05:54the Olsen twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley, get out of here.

05:57Hi, everybody. I missed you, Uncle Jesse. Ah, your Uncle Jesse missed you too, Ashley.

06:05I love you, Daddy. Hey, Mary-Kate, look, we got our own chairs just like the grown-ups. Yay!

06:18Many of you don't know this, but these two little girls took turns playing Michelle on the show.

06:23That's because we're identical twins.

06:26I'm Ashley! No, I'm Ashley!

06:36Did you all miss us? Are you gonna cry because you missed us? Cry because you missed us.

06:41Did you, are you gonna cry? Cry because you missed us.

06:44Say, why don't we run a clip for the folks at home of our new TV movie, Full House 98, Home Again?

06:49Yeah. I'm all sweaty. Someone get me a towel. And some nachos.

06:58Say, why don't we run that clip?

07:09Michelle?

07:14Is there anything you want to tell me?

07:17I don't think so.

07:19Nothing you want to tell me about the lamp?

07:21It's all broke. Who broke it?

07:23I suppose you're gonna try to tell me a bunch of Swiss people snuck in here and broke that lamp.

07:28You never believe me!

07:31Oh boy, now that brings back the memories, huh?

07:48It sure does.

07:49How about this one, Uncle Jesse? Are you ready?

07:52Uh-huh! One, two, three!

07:57If you think you're a walrus, fuck like this, then you're a walrus!

08:01Long other clip!

08:02Oh yeah!

08:03If you think you're a walrus, fuck like this, then you're a walrus!

08:09Honey, I'm sorry I didn't believe you about the lamp.

08:11That's okay. I still love you, Daddy.

08:15And I'm sorry I put that fish in your soup.

08:18It was funny. I love you too, Uncle Jesse.

08:23And I'm sorry for sneaking a Swiss gentleman into the house.

08:27Well, aren't you gonna say you love me, Michelle?

08:30Well, I'm thinking about it.

08:41Who do you think is cuter, me or Mary-Kate?

08:45Oh, girls, you're both adorable.

08:47No, you think I'm a fat monster.

08:51You're not a monster.

08:53But she is fat!

08:55Or would I kill you?

08:56You'll have to catch me first!

09:01Boy, there's really been something, but that's all the time we got, so...

09:05No, no, no, we've still got like 40 minutes.

09:08That's okay! We'll entertain you!

09:10Yay!

09:12If you think you're a walrus, walk like this, then you're a walrus!

09:17If you think you're a walrus, walk like this, then you're a walrus!

09:22Hey! Hey!

09:23If you think you're a walrus, walk like this, then you're a walrus!

09:26We're here at La Ponce de Fonse, one of the city's fanciest restaurants, to see if people can tell the difference between regular butter and spishak margarine.

09:43Let's find out.

09:44Good evening! How's your meal?

09:50It's delicious, thank you.

09:52Sweetie, what's wrong?

09:53How's the fresh baked bread and butter?

09:55Oh, it's great. Gary, Gary, are you choking?

09:57Say something!

09:59What if I told you that we switched the butter for spishak margarine?

10:02You what? Gary's allergic to margarine! It makes us chunky and swell shut up, guys!

10:07Please don't fall in here, please!

10:09God!

10:10But how does it taste?

10:12The smooth, buttery taste of spishak margarine really threw you, didn't it?

10:15Come on, try and relax, Gary. Gary, try and relax, baby!

10:18You know what? While we're waiting for the ambulance to arrive, why don't you try some spishak margarine?

10:23Tell us what you think.

10:24No!

10:25Come on, baby, hold on! I called an ambulance, it's on its way!

10:29Well, come on, just a bite. Give it a whirl.

10:34All right.

10:40Wow. You know, this is really good.

10:42You know, I happen to be able to have margarine because of, you know, Gary here, but...

10:46I'd have to sit in...

10:49Oh, God! I'm glad you're here!

10:51He's having a lot of reaction! He's trying to keep swelling shut!

10:54I'm not, baby!

10:56There you have it. Spishak margarine. Good enough to be served in America's fanciest restaurant.

11:01We have to get a breathing tube down his porteries done for!

11:03Well, his trachea's too swollen. It's not gonna go down.

11:05I'll just use some of this margarine.

11:09When it's real buttery taste you want, Spishak has that and a whole lot more. For less.

11:14We'll ask them!

11:16Spishak margarine. The butter of margarine.

11:18I'm glad there's nothing here, but...

11:23Now there's something here or something? I don't know.

11:25Beep!

11:27Beep!

11:29You're watching Mad TV.

11:30Are you gonna do something with that?

11:31You are now watching Mad TV.

11:36Man!

11:38You love David Duchovny each week on The X-Files.

11:41Now see him in his first Broadway one-man show,

11:44David Duchovny, The Movies in My Life.

11:48Live on stage, master actor David Duchovny recreates some of film history's most memorable moments.

11:53Who can forget a few good men?

11:57You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

12:00We use words like honor, loyalty, discipline.

12:03You use them as a punchline.

12:05You'll get goosebumps when David Duchovny rips into network.

12:09I want you to get up and go to your window and stick your head out and yell,

12:14I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore.

12:16Yes, the raw power of David Duchovny's gut-wrenching reinterpretations

12:19will remind you why David Duchovny is one of the most electrifying stars working today.

12:25Show me the money. Show me the money.

12:29It's alive.

12:31Alive.

12:33I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too.

12:36Be so horny.

12:38We love you long time.

12:40I'm out of order.

12:43You're out of order.

12:45This whole freakin' trial's out of order.

12:47Marsha.

12:48Marsha.

12:50Marsha.

12:52Don't cry for me.

12:54Argentina.

12:58Listen to what audiences are saying about David Duchovny in

13:01David Duchovny, The Movies in My Life.

13:04I was in the front row and I couldn't hear very well,

13:08but my friends seemed to really enjoy it.

13:10I'm on fire and, uh, yeah.

13:16Yeah.

13:18All now for tickets.

13:19David Duchovny, The Movies in My Life.

13:23Stella.

13:24Stella.

13:37Mmm, I smell leather and armpit hair.

13:39Must be Corky and the juice pig!

13:41He was little, but we loved him.

13:58He was small, but he was swell.

14:01He was tiny, how he teased me.

14:03Yes, he knew how to ring my bell.

14:07He was my man you love's name.

14:10He was a horny little half pine with lovin' for sale.

14:14He was my man you love's name.

14:16His name was Andrew, but I called him Gale.

14:20The first time that I saw him

14:23was in a porno production of The Seven Wars.

14:27He played a dwarf named Sleazy.

14:29One looked at his beard and I wanted to score.

14:32He was my man you love's name.

14:35He was a horny little half pine with lovin' for sale.

14:39He was my man you love's name.

14:42He was a hot little munchkin who could make me

14:45Well, well, well!

14:47Show it!

14:49Oh, yeah!

14:51Woo!

14:53Woo!

14:55Woo!

14:56We were happy together

15:00Making hot love, but never a pause.

15:04And one day, he left me

15:07For the lollipop triplets in The Wizard of Oz.

15:10He was my man you love's name.

15:13He won a hot squat on day.

15:16Be love on his mind.

15:17Be worth my man you love's name.

15:19But size don't matter with lovin' is fine.

15:23Size don't matter, size don't matter.

15:25It's fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

15:44It's good to meet you.

15:48I love you.

15:55Coming up next on Mad TV...

16:11Darlene McBride is back with her Songs for Lover.

16:15Mr. Mark Hamill!

16:18Man, they should have called you Luke Ass Shaker.

16:20Why do you have to be such a sour puss?

16:22That's just the way I look.

16:24Grandma is dead!

16:26Man!

16:28You are now watching Mad TV.

16:35All right.

16:37It's time to give it up for the dog, Dr. Ugder.

16:40The funky woke a dirty talk on himself,

16:43yet graciously.

16:45And on the seventh day, the Lord did himself some funky walking, and he saw that it was bad, baby.

16:54Now, it's time for some dirty talk. Come here.

17:00Baby, I want to go down to your post office and lick me some stamps.

17:12Whoo!

17:13Now, that's some grade-A dirty talk right there.

17:17Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to do something I should have done years ago,

17:20and that's bring out the lovely voice of Funky Walker Dirty Talker,

17:24the brown sugar in my coffee, Miss Coco Latte.

17:28Oh, go get your magnificent ass.

17:30Whoo!

17:31Whoo!

17:32Whoo!

17:33Yeah, baby, you got some dirty talk for me, too?

17:35Oh!

17:36Mm-mm.

17:37Baby, I want to reach into your freezer and pull me out a popsicle.

17:42Whoo!

17:43Whoo!

17:44Whoo!

17:45Yeah, baby, you got some dirty talk for me, too?

17:48Oh!

17:49Mm-mm.

17:50Baby, I want to reach into your freezer and pull me out a popsicle.

17:55Whoo!

17:57Whoo!

17:58Girl, you been paying attention.

18:01Oh, I'm watching the master at work.

18:04And speaking of masters, we got ourselves some kind of master of the movies with us on the

18:09show today.

18:10Whoo!

18:11And I know you're a big fan.

18:12Honey, I swear, if he so much as smiles at me, you're gonna have to mop me up off this

18:16floor.

18:17Well, then, let's get him on out here and tell him to bring a mop.

18:21Whoo!

18:22Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big, funky, woken, dirty, talking welcome to Mr. Mark

18:29Hammers!

18:30Whoo!

18:31Whoo!

18:32Whoo!

18:33Whoo!

18:34Whoo!

18:35Whoo!

18:36Whoo!

18:37Whoo!

18:38Whoo!

18:39Whoo!

18:40Whoo!

18:41Whoo!

18:42Whoo!

18:43Whoo!

18:44Whoo!

18:45Oh, man!

18:46Man, they should have called you Luke Ass Shaker.

18:50Thank you, Desperation.

18:51Ooh, I swear, Lord have mercy, I ain't one of your biggest fans.

18:56Well, I'm picking up on that.

18:58Hey, man, play your cards right.

19:00That may not be all you picking up.

19:03Hey, you know, I'm a big fan of yours, too.

19:05I mean, I saw all the Coco and LeBlanc movies in the 70s.

19:09You saw all my movies?

19:10Oh, baby.

19:11Anybody that ain't seen all your movies been wearing his ass for a hat.

19:15Let me tell you something.

19:16Let me tell you something.

19:17My favorite, my very favorite was Coco and LeBlanc in the Holy Land.

19:20You remember that one?

19:21Oh, yeah.

19:22Mick Jagger played the Prime Minister.

19:24He calls you guys into the office, tells him he's got a mission for you.

19:27You look him straight in the eyes and you say, yeah, but first I got a mission for those

19:30big old lips of yours.

19:32Hi, Howard.

19:33Well, baby, if you like to howl, I can always show you a full moon.

19:40Oh, my, it's getting hot heat hot in here, which means it's time to talk to Derek.

19:48Ooh.

19:49Oh, yeah.

19:50I'm gonna get a start.

19:51Mm-hmm.

19:52Coco, baby.

19:53Uh-huh.

19:54I'm gonna get down on my hands and knees and wax your flow.

19:58Ooh, scrub, scrub.

20:01Coco.

20:02Uh-huh.

20:03I wanna get into your bank and make a deposit.

20:06Cha-ching.

20:07Cha-ching.

20:08Ooh.

20:12Baby.

20:13Ooh.

20:14I'm gonna give me a magnifying glass and take a good, hard look at your fine print.

20:18Good and hard.

20:19Ooh.

20:20Coco, I wanna grab hold of your pillows and give them a nice look.

20:23Oh!

20:24Oh!

20:25Oh!

20:26Oh!

20:27Oh!

20:28Oh!

20:29Oh!

20:30Look at me.

20:31I'm palpitatin'.

20:32Ooh.

20:33I think we better ease up on the girl before she has a heart attack.

20:34Mark Hamill, I'd like to thank you for coming on the show.

20:36Desperation, it was a pleasure just basking in your funkiness.

20:39Ooh.

20:40And I'd also like to thank the beautiful Coco for being her funky self.

20:44Ooh.

20:45Thank you, Desperation.

20:46And thank you, Mark, for seeing all my movies.

20:49Are you ready for this on the Coco?

20:51Huh?

20:52The pleasure was all mine.

20:54Woo!

20:55Woo!

20:56Woo!

20:57Woo!

20:58Woo!

20:59Woo!

21:00Well, I guess our work here is done.

21:02Let's take it on home.

21:03All right.

21:04Woo!

21:05Woo!

21:06Woo!

21:07Woo!

21:08Woo!

21:09Woo!

21:10Woo!

21:11Woo!

21:12Woo!

21:13Woo!

21:14Woo!

21:15Woo!

21:16Woo!

21:17Woo!

21:18Woo!

21:19Woo!

21:20In time for Valentine's Day, Darlene McBride is back with her Songs for Lovers.

21:26Hearts, hearts, bleeding hearts. Bleeding heart liberals, tear them apart.

21:31Slice them and dice them, gut them and ice them.

21:34Rip open their chests and do your best to stop their bleeding hearts.

21:39Heck, Democrats don't own any guns. They've hardly put up a fight.

21:43Listen with someone you love.

21:44My daddy loves his tractor. My sister loves her boss.

21:48My husband loves to wear a sheet and burn a flaming cross.

21:52My son loves Barbra Streisand. I pray he isn't gay.

21:56But me, I only love one thing and that's the NRA.

22:01Songs for the whole family.

22:03She can't be your wife. She's your sister.

22:07If Annie knocked your mom, married her son.

22:10I'm sure we'll all end up on Jerry Springer.

22:13And I will be the only normal one.

22:18Happy Valentine's Day, Uncle Joe.

22:22And from mother to daughter.

22:25You girls are so young, 10 and 13.

22:29You ask me, Darlene, about love.

22:33I'll tell you, sweet angels, here's all I can say.

22:36Let these words guide you as you find your way.

22:43Manor pigs, dirty pigs, their brains can be found in their pants.

22:50Till you see a wedding ring.

22:54Don't you dare dodge his thing.

22:58You and Donald cut your hand off.

23:00I'll just get it.

23:00And who won't be humming this one in the shower?

23:04You got a big redneck.

23:07That's the way I like it.

23:09Yes, that's the way I like it.

23:10Big and thick and rosy red.

23:12Red, red, red.

23:14Nice and thick and juicy.

23:16Ready red, rebel red.

23:18Holding up a big white hand.

23:21Everybody!

23:22You got a big redneck.

23:23And if you call him now, you'll also get these other tender ballads.

23:26I didn't know the gun was loaded when I accidentally shot your horn.

23:30He may be trailer trash to you, but he's a trailer treasure to me.

23:34Gun rack serenade.

23:35And some old favorites.

23:37I left my fruity son in San Francisco and in a gotta we trust him.

23:41After all, love makes the world go round.

23:45That is until the good Lord sends a fireball to burn us all to a crisp.

23:49Happy Hearts Day!

23:51You got a big red head.

23:53That's right, yeah!

23:55Woo!

23:55Wait, Nicole, this one's going to be the best part.

24:05Oh, my God, that's hysterical!

24:07We should talk, I guess, more often.

24:09Mm-hmm.

24:11You are now watching the TV.

24:15May!

24:17My children, listen to me.

24:20I have been told of the arrival of our end on this lonely world.

24:25All things around me are portents to the transformation.

24:29And soon, we will make the final transcendental leap into a form of pure energy, goodness, and light.

24:38And to assist us in our departure, we must die.

24:43I have mixed up this tub of death punch.

24:46And it contains orange, cherry, white grape juice, a little kiwi for kick, and phenobarbital and strychnine.

24:56Now, we're going to do this in three waves.

25:00The first wave is going to come up, drink the death punch, and die.

25:05The second wave will then clean up, as it's a rather messy and painful process.

25:12Yes, a question.

25:14Yes, uh, exalted one.

25:15And, uh, this doesn't have anything to do with you breaking up with Jenny, does it?

25:20No, no, of course not.

25:22She's out of my life.

25:23I'm over that.

25:24I've moved on.

25:26Anyway, listen carefully, because the comet is approaching fast, and our death window is closing.

25:32Now, the second wave will clean up, shower up, drink the death punch, and die.

25:37Yes, Frank.

25:38Why don't you just call her?

25:40You know, this happens every time.

25:41You break up with a girlfriend, and then everybody in the compound has to kill themselves.

25:44No, no, it's not that simple.

25:46I've called her, and she won't call me back.

25:48First wave.

25:50Maybe she's out of town.

25:51Think about that?

25:52No, I saw her over at the mini mall with that other cult leader, Lord Watts' face,

25:58and she is listening to his prophecies and cleaning and anointing his feet, and it just makes a fellow...

26:04Look, exalted, if you want, I'll hook you up with my sister.

26:08Is she cute?

26:09She has a really good personality.

26:11I knew it.

26:12First wave.

26:13Come on up and drink your punch.

26:15Hey, you know what?

26:16Why don't you sleep on it, and then see how you feel in the morning?

26:20Yeah, and if you're still upset, we'll do it then.

26:25Well, very well, my children.

26:27Okay, okay.

26:29Right now, it is 7.30, and tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock, the comet will once again be close enough for retrieval.

26:37So I will see you all then, and don't forget your sneakers.

26:41And remember, too, that you can't eat anything six hours before you drink the punch, so no raiding the refrigerator.

26:48And that means you, Steve.

26:49Whatever, stupid call.

26:53There isn't any room on the ship for ho-hos.

26:58Oh, now, for Pete's sake, what am I going to do with all this?

27:02Now it's time to talk American with Mr. Jayakai and Rui Paranio.

27:10Hello, and welcome to the show.

27:18I am Mr. Jayakai.

27:20And I am Rui Paranio.

27:21Yes, yes.

27:23Now, today we welcome to the show someone who is a visitor to our country, and Rui and I were welcomed by the great Lady Liberty herself.

27:30Giving to us your poor, your tired, and...

27:35Wretched!

27:35You're wretched!

27:36Wretched, refuse.

27:37Now, speaking of which, here she is from Canada.

27:45Alanis, what is here?

27:50Welcome to the show.

27:51Welcome.

27:53And welcome to America.

27:55Thanks.

27:55I am so happy for to be sitting next to you.

27:58I am a great big fan.

28:00Yes, yes.

28:01Every Saturday night, me and my brother, Mizo, and my nephew, Svartinio, and...

28:07Hey, Bob, we are for to listen to your music, and we are partying, partying.

28:13Rui!

28:16I did not know you are such a...

28:17Come on, what's that word?

28:20I did not know you are such a groove, master.

28:26Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

28:27I get around.

28:28Yes.

28:28So, Miss Alanis, I understand that your new record is selling very, very well.

28:33Yeah, I guess.

28:34Good for you, Miss Alanis.

28:36And she is making the big American dollars, not the little puny Canadian ones.

28:41Hey, why do you have to be such a salopoose?

28:47That's just the way I look.

28:50Oh, okay.

28:51Maybe you are to be happy to sing the song of new cities.

28:55Not that one, stupid.

28:57This is the one I recorded in the early 90s.

28:59But I like that one.

29:00Yeah.

29:00Young lady, you must never, ever again call my friend stupid.

29:04I'm sorry.

29:07It's just, you know, that's what I did before I realized how crappy the world is, you know?

29:11My new songs are relevant and meaningful, like the new one I just wrote.

29:15Do you mind?

29:15No, go ahead.

29:16Do your thing.

29:17Do your thing.

29:18Struggling against society, the woman that lives inside of me, and it makes me want to cry,

29:26and it makes me want to die.

29:28No, no, no, no, Miss Alanis.

29:29No, no, no, no.

29:30What the hell are you doing?

29:31No, no, no.

29:32Sing the happy song.

29:33You know, the happy song.

29:34I told you, stupid.

29:35I don't sing that crap anymore.

29:36Hey!

29:37I did not want to say this, but you, you have a, a, a, a, a, do not have, na-da, na-da,

29:44hum.

29:45Good.

29:45He pissed me off.

29:46Double thittos for me.

29:48Okay.

29:48Well, I'm sorry if he pisses you off, but like my song says, all your anger doesn't scare

29:53me, because I'm the one who can repair me.

29:57Now, you know something?

29:57Now I remember that damn voice.

30:01You are the one to sing the song Aaronic?

30:03Yes.

30:04And you don't even know what the word Aaronic means.

30:06Let me tell you something.

30:07When it rained on my wedding day

30:08and a mudslide washed away my hut,

30:10my two goats,

30:11and my fourth wife,

30:13who?

30:14The night is Aaronic.

30:19And you are also to be Aaronic

30:21that you are to be successful

30:23and you are the party pooping.

30:26Party to the pooping.

30:27Why can't you laugh once in a little while?

30:30You have a good face, come on!

30:32In a Canadian sort of way.

30:33What's there to laugh about?

30:36Maybe you can laugh about

30:37watching their friends

30:38with us on TV.

30:40Yes, come on, give us a smile.

30:42Come on, give it to her.

30:43Cut it out.

30:46That was a tickle smile.

30:48I'm not happy.

30:50Oh, you see, that is it.

30:51That is it for the gay show.

30:55Come on, sing the song.

30:56I put a wheel in her right hand.

31:10I put a wheel in her left hand.

31:19I put a wheel between her legs.

31:24I used my grandma as a skateboard

31:26and we went up and down

31:27and we went down and round.

31:29We did the alley hop,

31:30we did the acid drop,

31:31oh,

31:32went down the hill

31:33and we took the spill

31:34and now grandma is dead.

31:39You are now watching that TV.

31:42Man!

31:43Everybody got enough lasagna?

31:48There's another pan in the kitchen.

31:49Oh, thanks.

31:50This is good.

31:50This is plenty.

31:51Oh, good.

31:52More for me.

31:53All right,

31:56I hope everybody is comfortable

31:57because Gretchen and I

31:58have a little surprise for you.

32:00What?

32:00A video of our trip to Yellowstone.

32:03Oh, great.

32:03Oh, you know,

32:04normally I don't like

32:05watching these home video things,

32:06but you guys always make me laugh.

32:08Oh, your Paris trip

32:09was so funny, remember?

32:11This one's even funnier.

32:13Uh-huh.

32:13Oh, look at Lenny

32:14in that cowboy hat.

32:16He practically slept

32:18in the damn thing.

32:21Oh, my God, Gretchen,

32:22you are so pregnant.

32:24I know.

32:24Nine months worth

32:25and it was so hot, too.

32:26Oh, my God,

32:27you poor thing.

32:28There we are by the pool.

32:30Oh, you wore a bikini.

32:32Oh, yes.

32:33I felt beautiful.

32:35Doesn't she look great, huh?

32:36Well, she certainly looks

32:38better than most

32:39pregnant women would

32:40in a thong.

32:43Uh, there we are

32:45in the gift shop.

32:46Look, right there.

32:48What?

32:48What happened?

32:48My water broke.

32:51Ah, let me make it.

32:52Okay, let me make it.

32:53Everybody, clear off.

32:53He's so funny.

32:54Where did you find that mop?

32:55Ah!

32:55Out of here.

32:58Oh, there's Gretchen

32:59changing into her gown.

33:00Yeah, there I am

33:00in all my glory.

33:01Eat your heart out,

33:02Demi Moore, huh?

33:03Yeah.

33:04You know,

33:05maybe this is something

33:06you guys should share

33:07between yourselves

33:07in a private moment.

33:09Right, honey?

33:09Uh, yeah.

33:11We're just getting

33:11into the good part.

33:13Oh.

33:13Oh, now I'm supposed

33:14to start pushing.

33:15Oh, look at Lenny

33:16with the catcher's glove.

33:18Oh, that's funny.

33:20Isn't that funny, honey?

33:22There's the mucus flag.

33:24Oh.

33:28Everybody got enough lasagna?

33:29Oh.

33:30How about you, Robert?

33:31More cheese?

33:32Oh, no, no, no.

33:33Uh-huh.

33:35Honey, fast forward.

33:36That's the episiotomy.

33:37Nobody wants to see that.

33:38Oh, I do, sweetheart.

33:40You're beautiful.

33:41Really?

33:42You guys want to see

33:43the episiotomy?

33:43No.

33:45I mean, let's save that

33:46for dessert, you know.

33:47Yeah.

33:47You're going to have

33:48cherries jubilee.

33:49No.

33:52Honey, are you okay?

33:53Oh, look, right there.

33:55Oh, there's the head.

33:56The head.

33:56Oh, yeah, she's got

33:57quite a rim of fire

33:58going down.

33:59Oh.

34:00No!

34:01Go the freaking job,

34:02you bastards!

34:05Somebody's a little cranky.

34:07You know, if I didn't know better,

34:08I'd think it was

34:08that time of the month.

34:09Honey.

34:11Oh, there's the rest.

34:13Here you go,

34:14never again!

34:18There we have

34:23our beautiful

34:23baby boy, Walker.

34:25Oh, look, yay.

34:27And there's

34:28the placenta.

34:28Hi, Michael!

34:31By the way,

34:31that's organic ground beef

34:32in that lasagna,

34:33so you don't.

34:35Oh, I think he's

34:38going to throw up.

34:39Oh, wait!

34:39No, wait, don't!

34:40We've got to get

34:41the camera!

34:42Yeah!

34:42Get to the camera!

34:54Yo, what's up?

34:54You late?

34:55Look, excuse me,

34:56I don't have a call.

34:57Like some people

34:57I know, okay?

34:58Look, I don't need

34:59the attitude.

34:59Just get over there

35:00and bust the windows,

35:00I'm going to hit the floor.

35:02A little wait and exhale moment.

35:04Please.

35:12Oh, this is my flick!

35:14Luke, join me.

35:21And together we will

35:22join the dark side.

35:24Now!

35:25Dude, I'll never

35:26join you!

35:30Obi-Wan never told you

35:31what happened to your father.

35:33I'm your baby's daddy.

35:34I'm your baby's daddy.

35:39But you did this

35:39in Star Wars

35:40like you know

35:40something about that.

35:43Darth Vader,

35:43only you could be so bold.

35:45The Imperial Senate

35:45will not sit still for this.

35:46When they have

35:47attacked the diplomatic...

35:47Don't act so surprised,

35:49your highness.

35:49You weren't on any

35:50mercy mission this time.

35:51Several transmissions

35:51were beamed to your ship

35:52by rebel spies.

35:53I want to know

35:53what happened

35:53to the planet

35:54supercarrier.

35:58Do you know something?

36:03You gotta look

36:03in your eye

36:04that says

36:05you haven't been

36:05in years.

36:12Please.

36:13Okay?

36:13Al Pacino,

36:14Scarface,

36:151983,

36:16get a life.

36:17Now you're dissing

36:17my man Al?

36:18That's the greatest

36:19act of all time.

36:20You mean the loudest

36:21act of all time?

36:22Yo, don't mistake

36:22loud.

36:23You're dramatic.

36:23Okay, okay.

36:25And justice for all.

36:26And you're out of order.

36:28You're out of order.

36:29This whole court's

36:30out of order.

36:32Scent of a woman?

36:34Uh, uh,

36:34what a lie.

36:35I got no lie.

36:37I'm in the dark here.

36:38I'm in,

36:38I'm in the,

36:39I'm in the dark.

36:41And Godfather Part 3.

36:43Right or wrong,

36:45I control this family.

36:46It's not

36:47what I want in.

36:49All right,

36:49major point,

36:50major point.

36:51Who's your favorite actor?

36:53Well,

36:53any real man

36:54knows that a real man

36:56is Will Smith.

36:58Okay?

37:00Oh,

37:00yeah,

37:01that's Mr.

37:02Subtlety for you.

37:03I,

37:03get out of here.

37:04Did you see my baby

37:04in Men in Black?

37:05You want some?

37:07You come and get some.

37:09Oh,

37:09okay,

37:10but did you see my baby

37:11in Bad Boys?

37:12Hey,

37:13this is a master car.

37:14From that one,

37:15that's how you were

37:15supposed to drive.

37:17All right,

37:18all right.

37:18You know what,

37:19but I bet you didn't see

37:20Independence Day.

37:21Who's the man?

37:22I'm the man!

37:25All right,

37:26all right,

37:26touche,

37:26touche.

37:27That was kind of good anyway.

37:29Kind of.

37:30So,

37:31who else do you do?

37:33Oh,

37:33I'd do a little bit of,

37:34uh,

37:35Denzel Washington.

37:36Ah!

37:37Ah!

37:38No,

37:38no!

37:39Ah!

37:40Ah!

37:41Oh,

37:41who did that?

37:42Oh,

37:42my God,

37:43do Denzel.

37:44It seems like that.

37:46See,

37:47the Honorable Elijah Muhammad

37:48is trying to teach us

37:49that the mother

37:50is the one

37:50who gives a message

37:51to the child.

37:52And that child goes out

37:53and gives that message

37:54to the world.

37:55So,

37:55we must be very careful

37:56what we teach our children.

38:01Can you do Larry Fishburne

38:02an orange fishburne,

38:03you know?

38:07I can't.

38:09Now,

38:09now,

38:09Aunt May,

38:10I,

38:11I,

38:11I told you about that,

38:12that,

38:13that kind of got.

38:13Look,

38:13I'm just trying to help,

38:15Ike,

38:15okay?

38:15You,

38:15you,

38:16you,

38:16you trying to help,

38:16Ike?

38:17You,

38:17you trying to help,

38:18Ike?

38:21Come on.

38:22Is that all you got?

38:23And,

38:24whew,

38:26yeah.

38:27Damn.

38:27Oh,

38:28oh,

38:29oh,

38:30oh,

38:31oh,

38:32on the second floor,

38:37there's office,

38:38and,

38:39and a big desk,

38:39and,

38:40and,

38:40we can go up there,

38:42and you can let the Cosby show you his pudding pop.

38:45Oh,

38:45oh,

38:46oh,

38:47oh,

38:48oh,

38:49oh,

38:50oh,

38:51oh,

38:52Oh,

38:54oh,

38:55oh,

38:56oh,

38:56I can you,

38:57Can you do Billy Dee, too?

38:58I love Billy Dee.

38:59Can you do Billy Dee?

38:59It's mahogany.

39:01Go on up there!

39:02No, let me slip you some cold for the fight.

39:04Whoa, honey, I'm ready.

39:05Pop my top!

39:06Whoo!

39:07Whoo!

39:08Whoo!

39:09Look at you people!

39:11Look at you people.

39:13All you want to point your finger at somebody,

39:15say, look, there goes the bad guy.

39:17When you know something, I'm going to go get something.

39:20Shag a knife to the bad guy.

39:41Shag a knife to the bad guy.

40:12Yeah.

40:12Can't let the people know what they're watching.

40:13Yeah, of course.

40:14You are not watching my TV.

40:16Oh, you're such a baby.

40:17I'll do my thing on camera.

40:19Shag a knife.

40:41I only got widow ears because I'm a baby bunny.

40:48Good night, everybody.

40:58Thank you, everybody.

40:59Thank you, everybody.

41:28Coco, I want to grab hold of your pillows and give them a nice fluffing.

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