- 16 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 16
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00:00This is an X-News update, and I am Amy.
00:15Yes, and I am Marsh.
00:18Today, in Bosnia, UN peacekeepers found another mass grave suspected of holding 3,000 civilians.
00:26Oh, man, that is just wrong!
00:303,000 people? That's a lot.
00:36That's like the mosh pit at Lollapalooza.
00:38Except everyone's dead, and they've all been shoved in a big hole!
00:44This just in the following is a list of people who simply do not get it.
00:51Syria, France, China, big oil, soul asylum, and Bosnia!
00:58Bosnia! You know what, Bosnia? I'm gonna have a party tonight, and everyone in the world is invited except for Bosnia!
01:05Bosnia's just like...
01:07You know?
01:10Uh-huh.
01:11So, everyone else get there around 9, except please don't park in my neighbor's driveway, okay? Because that's something Bosnia would do!
01:19It's like Bosnia can't go a day without killing people.
01:24Ugh. Sometimes I am just ashamed of being a man.
01:28Are you trying to get laid?
01:32No. No. No.
01:35All I was saying was that, like, every act in history that's been brutal has been caused by a man. Man.
01:44And we've got to take back the night.
01:47Wow. You are trying to get laid.
01:50Good luck.
01:51So, that's the news. So, whatever.
01:58Bye!
02:21Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
02:25Man. Man. You're so crazy.
02:31Man. Man. Man. You're so crazy.
02:50You're so crazy.
02:51You're so crazy.
02:52Come on. Come on. Come on.
02:53Come on.
02:54Come on.
02:54Ooh.
02:55Ooh.
02:56Ooh.
02:57Ooh.
02:58Ooh.
02:59Ooh.
03:00If I'm not watching Mad TV.
03:03Man.
03:14Welcome to Mad TV.
03:16We've got a great show ahead for you, but first, a very special surprise.
03:19Today is Brian's birthday.
03:21Aw.
03:22Here we go.
03:23Yes. Yes.
03:24Now, and to celebrate, we're going to play Brian's favorite game, bobbing for apples.
03:29Oh, come on. You guys, this is great.
03:32Brian doesn't know us when we replace the water with sulfuric acid. Let's see what happens.
03:36Go! Go, go, go, go.
03:37Go, go!
03:38Enjoy the show!
03:40Ah, my mouth tastes like I've been chewing lots of street bum's beard.
03:43International coffee? It's French blend.
03:47Ooh. Delightful.
03:56It's French blend.
03:57Oh, delightful.
03:58I don't think I've ever been that drunk in my life.
04:01Remember when you put your fist through the TV?
04:04Yeah, I should have unplugged it first.
04:06I'm really fried.
04:08Who was that guy we slept with last night?
04:10I can't remember his name.
04:12I remember he was good.
04:14Ugh, that guy was a gymnast.
04:15Tongue like a gila monster.
04:17Not overly hairy.
04:18Or sweaty.
04:20Did we even ask him his name?
04:22Jean-Luc.
04:26Mm, that's it.
04:28Jean-Luc.
04:30Hair of the dog?
04:33No thanks, but I'd love some vodka.
04:40General Products International Coffees.
04:43There's nothing like the morning after.
04:52This is every eligible bachelor in the village of Red Gulch, Tennessee.
05:10One of them will win a date tonight on Ozark Mountain Singled Out.
05:13And now your hosts, Chris Hartwick and Jenny McCarthy.
05:17Hello, everyone.
05:20Hello again.
05:21Welcome.
05:24How are you doing tonight, Jenny?
05:26Jenny?
05:27What happened to Jenny?
05:30Hey, Jenny!
05:32Well, let's continue anyway.
05:34Let's meet our lovely contestant.
05:36This is Rita Mae Higby.
05:38She's an 18-year-old coal miner born right here in Red Gulch.
05:41She has a scab that's healing real nicely,
05:44and boyfriends say she could suck the bacon out of a pig.
05:48I smell show!
05:49How embarrassing for me.
05:52Guys, say howdy to Rita Mae.
05:54Hey, Rita Mae!
05:55Hey!
05:57Bones, they all sound so good, I can't wait to jump them.
06:00Yeah!
06:03Easy, easy, easy, Rita Mae.
06:05Easy.
06:05The talent portion of the show is much later.
06:07All right.
06:08All right.
06:09So, to narrow the field our preliminary round, you pick it.
06:12Flatlanders or hill folk?
06:14Well, hill folk smell like an outhouse full of dead revenuers,
06:19but flatlanders smell like mule vomit.
06:21I'm gonna have to go with flatlanders!
06:24Naturally.
06:26Hill folk, get lost!
06:27Okay, okay.
06:30If you live in the flatland, stay.
06:32If you live on a hill, walk out.
06:41Hey, Bobby Joe.
06:43Shugs.
06:44Jebediah.
06:45Jebediah.
06:46I'm Bobby Joe.
06:47I'm Parsons.
06:49The Parsons' assistant.
06:50Nice to see you.
06:51Well, small world, huh?
06:53All right, it's time for the Keep'em or Dump'em round.
06:56Well, I'm known from experience that good spitters is good kissers.
07:01So, let's see how far they can hawk a gob.
07:04All right, fellas, you heard it.
07:06Take a step up to the fence and give it your best shot.
07:1618 feet.
07:1717 feet.
07:24Nice effort.
07:2822 and a half feet.
07:30Nice one.
07:35On my feet.
07:37Four, take a hike.
07:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:41Not all four of you, number four.
07:43Number four.
07:44This guy, this guy right here, this guy, freak boy, this guy.
07:47Me?
07:47You, leave.
07:51Evolution's really going to change this town, I think.
07:55All right, well, it's our final round before the show.
07:57Rita may put some answers on these cards.
07:59These are answers her ideal feller would give.
08:03Every time your answer matches hers, you move forward,
08:05and whoever gets into the big, pretty circle first
08:07gets to go on the date.
08:09So, let's begin.
08:11Thanksgiving dinner, possum or porcupine?
08:14Porcupine.
08:14Porcupine.
08:16Gravel.
08:20Um, number two, the choice is possum or porcupine.
08:24Um, owl.
08:28Number three.
08:29Porcupine.
08:30Rita may.
08:31Porcupine.
08:32Porcupine.
08:32Take a step forward.
08:34All right, next question.
08:37UFOs.
08:37Said hello or anal probe?
08:40Porcupine.
08:42I just made water in my pants.
08:44And thank you for sharing that, number two.
08:48Contestant number three.
08:50Anal probe.
08:51Rita may.
08:52Anal probe.
08:53Anal probe.
08:54No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:55It's just a question.
08:57It was just...
08:58Number three.
08:59Take a step forward.
09:04Jews.
09:05Seen one or never seen one?
09:07Porcupine.
09:10You know, I really like your spirit.
09:13Number two.
09:14Jews.
09:14Seen one or never seen one?
09:15Are you one?
09:16No.
09:18And I've never seen one.
09:21Contestant number three.
09:23Seen one.
09:24Ran like hell.
09:25Rita may.
09:26Seen one.
09:27We have a winner.
09:29Oh, that's great.
09:30The rest of you are going to do something nice.
09:32It's exciting.
09:33I know.
09:33All right, Rita may.
09:34Get ready to meet your date.
09:36He's 28 years old.
09:37He's an assistant hog caller,
09:39and he likes to build things out of meatloaf.
09:41Say hello to your brother, Cotton.
09:43Cotton!
09:44Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:47It's going to be a little like kissing your sister, isn't it, Cotton?
09:50Hey, what in the hell is that supposed to mean?
09:54A good book says it's a sin to have sex with your sister if you ain't married to her.
10:02Well, of course I'll marry her if I got your blessings.
10:05That's all right.
10:06I'm carrying his child anyhows.
10:08You are?
10:09Oh, sweetie.
10:10You know, that's the same way your mom and I come to get hitched.
10:15Well, ain't love just sweet.
10:17That's all the time we have.
10:20Next week we'll be in Salt Lake City where five lucky ladies hook up with one guy on Mormon Singled Out.
10:26Jenny!
10:27Jenny!
10:27Good evening.
10:43I'm Bob Dole and I'd like to respond to those critics who think I'm out of touch with today's youth.
10:48They say Bob Dole is behind the times.
10:51They say Bob Dole can't relate to the X generation.
10:53Well, you know what Bob Dole says to that?
10:57Horse hockey.
10:58That's right.
10:59Bob Dole's here to set the record straight.
11:02Bob Dole has his finger on the pulse of American youth today.
11:07Vita, haul it in here.
11:09If Bob Dole was an old fart, could he pound this much Jagermeister this fast and not drop dead?
11:15Oh, no.
11:18Oh, no.
11:18Oh, no.
11:21No.
11:25Drills.
11:28The bottles.
11:30Bob Dole's hip.
11:32Bob Dole's with the times.
11:34Bob Dole lives up on Capitol Hill, but he'd rather be in the mosh pit with you.
11:39Bob Dole knows what it's like to be young, to be alienated, disenfranchised, and hassled by the man.
11:47Bob Dole knows who the man is.
11:49And Bob Dole's not afraid to take the man on.
11:52Running against the Democrats is a death trap.
11:55It's a suicide rap.
11:56We got to get out while we're young.
11:58And, baby, Bob Dole was born to run.
12:01Run this country.
12:02Can pop legend Peter Townsend do this anymore?
12:09No.
12:10He's finished.
12:12Bob Dole rocks ass.
12:17Where are you going, baby?
12:19The GOP is down with OPP.
12:24Bastard.
12:25Bitch.
12:26Pig.
12:27Whore.
12:32Bob Dole's gun turret can swivel faster and longer than any Republican since Ike.
12:37Can flaccid Pat Buchanan say that?
12:40Can limp Lamar Alexander pass muster?
12:42Come on, baby.
12:43It's time for another caucus.
12:45Not again.
12:46How many times is enough?
12:47Wouldn't you like to know?
12:49Bob Dole does not endorse extramarital sex, excessive drinking, or rock and roll.
12:58The proceedings for promotional purposes only.
13:01Bob Dole, 96 Presidential Tour.
13:03Don't get fooled again.
13:10Bob?
13:10Bob Dole?
13:38So lame.
13:39Oh, what are you dicking, bro?
13:42Cool, Stoney, for a killer after prom party.
13:45It's our chance to leave high school as legends instead of losers.
13:48Oh, please trust us, bro. Do me a favor.
13:50We're not going to the prom. We're losers.
13:53Hey, Stoney, there's something down here.
13:58Maybe it's a caveman.
14:02Hey, what's your freaking problem?
14:04Next time you bury a guy, make sure he's dead first.
14:09Oh, dude, Jimmy Hoffa!
14:12How's that feel, you freaking job-hode?
14:14How's that feel, huh?
14:16When you dig a hole in Encino,
14:18you never know what you're going to find.
14:26First, the idea of going back to school made me puke.
14:29But then I thought, hey, where else am I going to get the chance
14:31to be with 240 16-year-old virgins?
14:34I had the whole system figured out by lunchtime.
14:38Great.
14:39And Nicky, you have the worst grade in the entire class.
14:46This is no laughing matter, Mr. Stoneyrell.
14:48Oh, it's not, huh? It's not? Okay.
14:49Well, I think you made a mistake there, teach.
14:51Let me see your pen.
14:52There you go, freaking jerk.
14:54What do you think you are doing? Give me my pen.
14:56Oh, you want your pen? You want your pen, huh?
14:58Yes.
14:59I'll give you a pen. Here's your pen! Here's your freaking pen!
15:03Here's your pen! Here's your freaking pen!
15:05Oh, punctuation!
15:10Here's your freaking pen! How's that look?
15:14The kids thought my methods were a little extreme,
15:16but I knew they needed my help.
15:18I considered myself their freaking guidance counselor.
15:21Hey, I'm hungry. We need some money gone.
15:24Uh-uh. We don't have any fundage, buddy.
15:27Fundage?! What in the hell is fundage?!
15:30Oh, shut up!
15:31Speak English, you mumbling, stubborn!
15:32Shut up, shut up, shut up!
15:33They're amazing!
15:34Money! Money!
15:35It means we're losers.
15:36We don't have any money.
15:37We don't have any girls.
15:39Money? Broads?
15:41Why don't you say so?
15:42Oh, that was my loves, dude.
15:49Excuse me!
15:52Ah! That's not me!
15:54Break your head like a walnut!
15:56Walnut the make-out king, huh?
15:58There's your fundage, huh?
16:00Fundage, bro!
16:02Get over there!
16:03You little creep!
16:04You're a creep!
16:0550-50, brother!
16:07Oh, nuts!
16:09It didn't take long to convince the student body
16:12that there would be a lot fewer bodies, student and otherwise,
16:15if they didn't accept our protection.
16:17How'd you like a liquid lunch, you little creep?!
16:20How'd you like a liquid lunch, you little creep?!
16:21How'd you like a liquid lunch?!
16:22How'd you like a liquid lunch?!
16:23How'd you like a liquid lunch?!
16:24Who roughed the school?!
16:26Stupid pucks!
16:30Stoney and Dave made books, and I made sure everybody collected.
16:33How did I collect?
16:34Don't ask.
16:35Ah, the king!
16:37Look at the coward!
16:39Why all that courage?!
16:40Why all that courage?!
16:41Why all that courage?!
16:42Why all that courage?!
16:43In high school, everybody's trying to screw everybody else.
16:47The freakin' seniors are trying to screw the juniors,
16:50the freakin' teachers are trying to screw the seniors,
16:52and the PTA is screwing them all.
16:54I changed all that.
16:56I screwed everybody.
16:58What's up?! What's up?! What's up?! What's up?!
17:00Hey! What's the matter?!
17:01Ain't you never heard of Tony Bennett?!
17:03I could pick the head cheerleader,
17:04rig homecoming games,
17:05even get kids into college.
17:07We were the freakin' kings of the school.
17:13Oh, check it, buddy!
17:15Who rules the school with the pool?!
17:18Oh, next!
17:19Gimme, gimme!
17:20Oh!
17:21Check it!
17:22Oh!
17:23Ah, hello, Mr. Boyardee!
17:24Volare to you!
17:28You know, you're starting to give me a rash,
17:30Ba-oddy!
17:38Check it, bro.
17:40Please don't put me in the cold cold ground.
17:43This is for son-in-law!
17:45You eye ties make good spaghettios.
17:54This is for jewelry, dude!
17:56You beat Paulie Shore with a shovel,
17:58he came back with in the army now.
18:00You shot him, he came back with bio-dome.
18:03You blew him up, he got a shoe on Fox.
18:06There was no freakin' way to get rid of this guy.
18:08But that's another freakin' story.
18:10Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
18:19Tough day at work?
18:20Mm-hmm.
18:21Oh, my God, we've been robbed!
18:25Everything's gone!
18:26Everything's gone!
18:29What the...?
18:31Everything's gone in there, too.
18:33They even took some walls.
18:34Who could've done this?
18:36Wait a minute.
18:37What was the name of that guy we slept with six months ago?
18:44Sean Luke!
18:46Quick, call the police.
18:51What's that number again?
18:549-1-1.
18:57Uh-oh.
18:58Jean-Luc took the phone.
19:07He didn't take everything.
19:19That's Jean-Luc.
19:20What next?
19:22General Prada's International Coffees.
19:25For those ripped-off kind of days.
19:33Coming up on MADtv.
19:35Oh, my God!
19:36You're Barry Williams, aren't you?
19:38That's right, groovy lady.
19:40Well, well, well, what have we here?
19:43City folks.
19:44When I awoke, I found myself dressed in a satin gown,
19:47standing on my front lawn, howling like a wolf.
19:50Oh, my God!
19:51Oh, my God!
19:52May!
19:53May!
19:54May!
19:55May!
19:56May!
19:57May!
19:58May!
19:59May!
20:00May!
20:05Time for an X-News update.
20:07I am Amy.
20:08And I am Marsh.
20:09Our top story, a real letdown.
20:13Child.
20:14An IRA bomb was set off in London's West End today.
20:17Like, that's news.
20:19Yeah, and speaking of bombs,
20:21Marsh's party sucked last night,
20:24and the only person who could possibly claim responsibility
20:27is Marsh.
20:29Hmm. Hmm.
20:30I think someone might be just saying this because
20:32she's a freak and she has a pussy septum?
20:35Yeah.
20:36Well, at least I didn't try to get crabs from Darlene all night
20:39and puke on my own couch.
20:41Um, excuse me?
20:42Excuse me?
20:43Excuse me?
20:44Excuse me?
20:45Excuse me?
20:46Excuse me?
20:47A. Darlene and I are just friends.
20:48And excuse me?
20:49Excuse me?
20:50Excuse me?
20:51Excuse me?
20:52B. I did not puke on the couch.
20:54That was my sack roommate, Daryl.
20:56Captain Rolf!
20:58Yeah, I guess Daryl was the child who was throwing eggs at the cop cars.
21:02Oh.
21:03And what's more is that you have zero respect for womankind
21:07because you left Darlene face down on the puke-filled couch this morning.
21:12Um, I had to come to work.
21:14This is my job, in case you've never looked to the left.
21:17Now, can I do my report, please?
21:20What report?
21:21My election report.
21:22Do your stupid report.
21:24Um, Buchanan sucks. Back to you.
21:26This is all the time we've got for the news.
21:30You should have called in stupid today, man.
21:33Whatever.
21:35And whatever.
21:47Beth, move Mrs. James to Friday at 4pm and get me the Cordell file before you go to lunch.
21:52Fine, Doctor.
21:53Is, uh, Eleanor Madison here?
21:56I'm Dr. Madison.
21:57Oh, great.
22:02Look, I, uh, I don't have an appointment. I was just hoping you could see me.
22:06Oh, my God!
22:08You're Barry Williams, aren't you?
22:10That's right, groovy lady.
22:12And this is your lucky day.
22:14Well, that's always nice.
22:15Um, I have a few minutes before my next patient. What can I do for you?
22:19Oh, I think you know.
22:22Uh, we don't have a file on you.
22:24Oh, you won't need my file. I brought the original source.
22:28I'm confused.
22:29Well, you weren't confused a few years ago when you wrote me this letter.
22:32Dear Greg, I love you on the Brady Bunch. You are so out of sight in a far out way.
22:39Are you kidding? Oh, my gosh. It's my handwriting.
22:42Yeah, from 1974. You know, I get 6,000 letters a week and I am answering each and every one of them.
22:49I don't know what to say.
22:50Well, let me refresh your memory.
22:52I laughed when your hair turned orange and cried when you almost got killed in that surfing contest.
22:57I was an emotional child.
22:59It gets better. As long as I live, I'll never forget the episode where you got caught smoking.
23:04Ah, it's why I'm a doctor today.
23:07But more than anything, I wish I could sneak up to your bedroom in the attic.
23:11Oh, jeez. Um, Beth, could you excuse us? In fact, why don't you go to lunch?
23:17Fine, doctor.
23:20With your parents downstairs, we could watch The Late Show together.
23:24I've been practicing French kissing on my pillow, and I dream about making out with you and going steady.
23:32Um, look, Mr. Williams, that was eons ago. You're confusing reality with a young girl's fantasy.
23:38Um, now I'm a professional woman. I'm married. I have three children.
23:42Well, I'm just here to collect what you promised.
23:44I thought maybe we could make out a little and then maybe we could cuddle and then, well, who knows?
23:52Um, okay. Uh, Barry? Yeah, I'm an internist.
23:56That was me in the box, smiling at you. Oh, good.
23:58You know, I used to play doctor with Marsha Doctor.
24:00Really? Well, I'm not a psychiatrist, but let me tell you something.
24:04No, wait a minute. We can really bend the gig out of shit.
24:06Okay, look, the 70s, they're over.
24:09Oh, now, I don't know. There's still a lot of people who feel that...
24:13So, how come you're here to see her and not me, Greg?
24:19Pardon?
24:20Bat? She doesn't care about you like I do.
24:22I wrote you love letters every single week, just like this one.
24:26So, dear Greg, I want you to tie me up with your love beads and explore my tiki cave.
24:31Love, Bev.
24:33So, how come you never answered my letters? Huh, Greg? Is it because I'm black?
24:39No, maybe you should have mailed them.
24:42Mm-hmm.
24:43I know every episode of The Brady Bunch by heart, Greg.
24:46It's Barry, but that's quite flattering.
24:48I have your solo album.
24:49It was never released.
24:51That's your scariness.
24:52Oh, shut up, Marsha.
24:54It's always about you.
24:56Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
25:00I'm the one you should be taking up to the attic, not you.
25:03Well, will you look at the time? I gotta grunt.
25:05No, no, no. We could make out.
25:08You know, we're not really brother and sister.
25:12Um...
25:13Beth, knock it off.
25:16Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Marsha.
25:20Doctor. Sorry. I'm fine now.
25:23Oh, my God.
25:25Yes?
25:26Doctor, David Cassidy is here for his appointment.
25:28Who?
25:29David Cassidy?
25:30You know, Keith Partridge.
25:32Oh, don't we hate him?
25:34Yeah, cancel that. Let's go to lunch.
25:36Oh, you're not gonna believe who I saw the other day.
25:38Who?
25:39Davy Jones.
25:40You're kidding. I thought he was dead.
25:41Hmm.
25:42Come in, Dobbs. Have a seat.
25:47Thank you, sir.
25:48Dobbs, I read your report last night.
25:49Oh, good. What'd you think of it, sir?
25:51I found it insanely disappointing.
25:53Disappointing?
25:54No, Dobbs.
25:55No, Dobbs.
25:56Insanely disappointing.
25:57It was, without a doubt, the worst, most astoundingly disappointing thing I have ever read.
25:59Gee, I'm not sure how to respond to that, sir.
26:12It drove me mad, Dobbs.
26:15My life will never be the same.
26:16I didn't think it was that bad, sir.
26:18doubt the worst most astoundingly disappointing thing i have ever read gee i'm not sure how to
26:24respond to that sir it drove me mad dobs my life will never be the same i didn't think it was that
26:30bad sir once i put it down i blacked out for i don't know how long time and space meant nothing
26:37to me when i awoke i found myself dressed in a satin gown standing on my front lawn howling like
26:44a wolf the ceo of a billion dollar corporation howling like a wolf yesterday i had a full head
26:52of hair dobs yes i know sir your shaved head looks good i didn't do it on purpose your report made me
26:59do it it was like my hands were possessed these hands i fought them but it was no use they shaved
27:07my head dobs it works for you sir works i try to get that report out of my head i try but it just
27:13keeps coming back in mr holsten in all fairness it was it's just a report on cost effectiveness for
27:18the company i demonstrated how we could streamline shipping procedures by aligning our destination
27:25oh god the pain it's like you're running a sword across my teeth i'm shutting up sir i'm shutting up
27:30you've killed me dobs i felt something deep inside me die when i read your report
27:37i don't have long to live sir what can i do it's too late for me i'm not important but
27:43i want you to see something dobs look at what your report has done so i don't see what my report has
27:49to do with any of this when i woke up this morning i went to get your report i'd left it on my coffee
27:55table i was going to burn it i was going to destroy the evil but when i got there it was gone
28:02the window was open someone had stolen it the wind sucked it up but it's out there your insanely
28:10disappointing report is out there and it has one thing on its mind destroy the universe mr holsten this
28:18is in la people riot all the time there must be some other reason for the rioting i think i killed
28:24a man last night dobs mr holsten it sounds like you just had a terrible dream yes yes i suppose you're
28:31right but then how do you explain this oh my god god god god is not here dobs your report is so insanely
28:43disappointing you've driven god away god has left the building dobs i'm sorry i scared god away sir
28:55leaping lizards look look what your report is doing it's multiplying people are making copies
29:05find it dobs pardon me you you've got to find it you're the only one who can find it you wrote it
29:11you know how it thinks it's a part of you you've got to stop your report before it's too late dobs go
29:20oh and dobs yes sir be sure to find it by four we've got that shareholders meeting right now go
29:30god help us all
29:40remember that trip we took last fall oh remember how could i forget france wasn't as nice as i thought
29:46it would be it would have been better if we hadn't been taken there against our will
29:51what was the name of that guy oh the one who threatened us in the bar with that broken bottle
29:55no the other one the one who kidnapped us oh yeah that's the same guy who robbed our house right right
30:00the one we all slept with right he took us into the mountains and kept us underground in a box and fed us
30:05through a tube being in a box just ruined my hair we know who you what was his name sean luke
30:18sean luke sean luke luke luke
30:35general prada's international coffees
30:39celebrate those moments we'll never forget
30:45coming soon on mad tv special guest claudia shipper and danny glover
30:54only got two more out before my last shift is up and then i am out of here introducing montel
31:00williams as montel watson okay we're back lethal weapon for lethal talking
31:15oh hey i'm marsh's roommate daryl marsh and amy can't be here right now because amy's bailing the
31:25puke machine out of jail for egging cop cars and getting busted like he's eight
31:32our top story for tonight contrary to earlier reports about marsh's stink bomb party it wasn't
31:38me that puked on marsh's couch it was marsh after marsh drank all my zima
31:42in other news marsh needs to start getting his own butter he grabs like a stick of butter and writes
31:50on a piece of toast like it's a crayon so now all my butter sticks look like zagnut bars
31:56oh and i have one word for you roommate flush
32:03buchanan's a douchebag
32:09snooze i guess so whatever
32:12oh
32:29oh looks great oldest trick in the books i've stacked the wood in perpendicular parallel columns in case
32:35it rains overnight the air will circulate and have it dry by morning wow i am impressed cost
32:41account and tennis player and one amazing outdoorsman hey i've been camping since i was eight
32:45years old oh any more of that merlot certainly oh dexter this was a wonderful idea thank you honey
32:52for one of the best weekends of my entire life
32:54did you hear something i'm not sure oh my god oh my god it's a wild dog no honey it's a wolf a
33:07wolf a timber wolf they usually travel in packs but this one's alone that means he's hungry let's run
33:12no don't run never run but he's staring at us don't look him in the eye no eye contact no stand
33:19still and gaze down that way he won't feel your threat can we give him some food no food
33:25and put a scrunchie in your hair what just do it oh my god that's another wolf that's no wolf
33:34it's a grizzly oh my god look him in the eye but you said don't look him in the eye you don't look
33:39the wolf in the eye you've got to look the grizzly in the eye well are we supposed to bake pots or
33:43pans or something no pots or pans are for sharks and warm water barracuda
33:46be large lift your arms try to appear taller than the bear what just do it oh my god but now
33:55the wolf is growling acknowledge the wolf with a glance but don't make eye contact what do it and
34:01then let the bear know that you're ignoring the wolf you don't need the wolf you're ready for the bear
34:05and try not to produce any estrogen what just do it
34:08oh god there's people there there are people coming thank god hey howdy well well well what
34:16have we here city folk uh-huh you sure do have a pretty mouth
34:25they're deliverance men don't taunt them don't excite them and try not to look like john voight
34:29dexter i'm scared calm down honey it's not you thereafter oh my god dexter they're all coming
34:41towards us do exactly as i tell you ignore the wolf stand up to the bear and jump up and down for the
34:46hillbillies oh my god i think it's working quickly be a flower spread your fingers like a buttercup in the
34:53morning sun oh no a buttercup it worked it worked it's a jumping buttercup attack oldest trick in the
35:03book oh oh my god dexter i am so impressed you were amazing
35:09take me down now all right wet your lips undress from head to toe and lie down semi-horizontally
35:26to keep your bottom dry i'm gonna need you to take your hand and firmly grip my thumb
35:31up
36:32Yeah, okay. I got it. I got it. No problem.
36:34Yeah, don't worry about it.
36:35Oh, come on! You've got to be kidding me!
36:38Yeah, all right. I got it. I got it!
36:40Okay, bye.
36:50There's your beer.
36:51Hey, thanks, hon.
36:53Oh, Cheryl, honey?
36:54Yeah?
36:55Your brother called.
36:56What did he want?
36:57What are they talking about? He was all over that guy!
37:00What did he want, Alan?
37:01Oh, um, your dad died.
37:05What?
37:06Yes!
37:08Okay.
37:09Oh, God!
37:11He was sick, but I didn't think he'd go so soon.
37:15What happened?
37:16Huh?
37:18What happened? How did he die?
37:20Who?
37:21My father.
37:23Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
37:24Uh, apparently it was some kind of an accident.
37:27An accident? Like a car accident? Or did he fall or something?
37:31Huh?
37:33How did he die?
37:35Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, apparently it was some kind of an accident.
37:37You already said that.
37:42Right, I'm sorry.
37:43Well, it turns out your father was into some weird, kinky, like, sex stuff.
37:47Oh!
37:47You know, where they wear those little leather, um...
37:50Oh, come on! Can we not get one rebound?
37:53Alan!
37:54What?
37:54My father!
37:56Right, and so they found him up at that motel on Highway 6.
38:00Uh-huh.
38:02What?
38:03They found him at the motel.
38:05Right, and he'd, uh, looped an electric cord around the end of his...
38:07All right, now foul him! Foul him!
38:09Good foul!
38:10Okay, but apparently she's not gonna press any charges.
38:13Okay, now please miss this.
38:15Alan!
38:16Oh, he made it!
38:17This is horrible!
38:18You're telling me this guy hasn't missed one free-throw all season?
38:21All right, now please miss this one.
38:23Yes! Yes, he blew it!
38:25I need to know one thing, Alan.
38:27We got the ball!
38:28Did he die in pain?
38:30Shoot the three!
38:31For the win!
38:32Did he die in pain?
38:34Yes! Yes! Yes!
38:36And that's the game!
38:38The Pistons have won the series!
38:40Oh, we did it, Sarah!
38:41We're in the finals!
38:43Oh, woo!
38:45Oh!
38:48What is up your kilt?
38:49That you couldn't pull yourself away from your stupid game long enough to tell me the details of my own father's death!
39:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweetie, I'm, I am so sorry.
39:05We're talking about my father, Alan.
39:07I understand, and as far as my behavior is concerned, there is absolutely no excuse.
39:10The only thing I can say in my defense is that it was a playoff game.
39:17What?
39:17Oh, come on, you know if it was a regular season game, I would have turned the volume way down.
39:21You know that.
39:22Oh, goodbye, Alan. I'm leaving you.
39:24No, hold on, Cheryl. I'll change. I swear to God.
39:26I wish I could believe that.
39:27You can, sweetie. Come on.
39:28I'm gonna make things the way they were before. I promise you.
39:30Listen, we've got something so special. Now, please don't go. Please.
39:35Do you really mean that, Alan?
39:36Yes, I do. Now, please don't go.
39:39We now join the Western Conference Finals for ready in Broadway.
39:43Please don't go, okay? Don't go. Don't go.
39:47Okay, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! That's it!
39:50Come on, baby! Let's go!
39:53Nice!
39:54That's it. That's the way to go.
39:57That's what I'm talking about!
40:00Hey, hey! Thanks for tuning in!
40:12We'd like to thank our guests, Chris Hardwick and Barry Williams.
40:22We hope you all enjoyed the show. In fact, we know Brian did.
40:26See you next week.
40:27Good night.
40:28Good night.
40:30Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra
40:35Too-ra-loo-ra lie
40:40Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra
40:44That's an Irish lullaby
40:49Over in Killarney
40:54Many years ago
40:58My mother sang this song to me
41:04In tones so soft and low
41:08Just a simple little ditty
41:11In her good old Irish way
41:16And I'd give the world
41:19If I could hear that song again today
41:25Everybody!
41:26Toorah, loorah, loorah
41:30Toorah, loorah, loorah
41:35Toorah, loorah, loorah
41:39That's an Irish lullaby
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