- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 16
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:00On the next MADtv, Dixie charms the pants off of Pauly Shore.
00:05You don't know whether to hug him or snap his neck.
00:10Everything at this place comes with a shake.
00:12I have a large order of fries.
00:16And Bill's final words to the nation.
00:19Peace! We out!
00:22What a house!
00:24Next on MADtv.
00:25You are now watching MADtv.
00:30You are now watching MADtv.
00:36MAD!
00:38Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
00:42Good evening, my fellow Americans.
00:44In keeping with the country's new policy of equal opportunity English,
00:48I will give tonight's historic State of the Union address with an on-screen Ebonics interpreter.
00:54First of all, I want to thank the American voters for their confidence
00:57and ask for their continued support as I start my second term in the White House.
01:02Preach!
01:03And for giving me the opportunity to finish the bridge to the next millennium.
01:07Willie will see to the 2G!
01:09And for trusting in the policies which this administration has used as the bulwark for such a bridge.
01:15A strong bridge, I assure you.
01:17And for being down with the donkey and not that stank-ass elephant.
01:20Because we be getting our government on you.
01:22A strength to lead us to a better life here at home.
01:27A strength to lead us to a better life here at home.
01:30By confronting domestic problems.
01:32Check your hoe, you know what I'm saying?
01:34I do.
01:35So we must extend our bridge to the next millennium to include all nations.
01:39Especially developing nations.
01:41We be hooking up all you broke-ass third world mugs.
01:44Everyone, whether you're rich or poor.
01:46All the homies, whether you roll in a cap, bussh it.
01:54Darn.
01:55We also have to concentrate on the environment.
02:02We also have to concentrate on the environment.
02:07Where'd he go?
02:12Check it.
02:13We be fixing to fix the environment, y'all.
02:18We only gots one planet, y'all.
02:20We gots the ZPCs like, boo-yah!
02:23I be trying to tell y'all, this is my country, not yours.
02:27All the brothers flip-flat for the boo-zack.
02:30Y'all don't need to be knocking them boots no more.
02:33Frammy dogs on this podium.
02:35Hey, keep it up!
02:36Don't be high-stepping for your number Oche,
02:38tapping a juice on a job.
02:40You talking about the sound of no necks?
02:42Something be over at Marmonam's, kid.
02:47Oh, okay.
02:49Something about population explosion.
02:51Maybe hoes running around or something.
02:54I know Marmonam's.
02:55He said he's going over to his mama house.
02:57Word!
02:59Never mind him.
03:00The point is, more people, more jobs.
03:03We need to maintain a balance.
03:04Just behave yourselves.
03:06Keep the peace.
03:07Everything's going to work out.
03:08Peace!
03:09We out!
03:10Good night.
03:11White house!
03:13No, no, no, no, no.
03:16There's the door.
03:18Right behind you.
03:19Go!
03:19Man!
03:25Come on!
03:26Yeah!
03:27Yeah!
03:27Uh!
03:28Come on!
03:28Come on!
03:29Man!
03:29Uh!
03:30Come on!
03:31Yeah!
03:31Yeah!
03:32Uh!
03:32Come on!
03:33Come on!
03:34Man!
03:35Man!
03:37You're so...
03:38Man!
03:39Crazy!
03:42Man!
03:43Man!
03:44Ooh!
03:47Man!
03:48Hey, you're so crazy
03:59You drive me nuts
04:02Hey, you are not what you want to do
04:18Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Pauly Shore
04:48Thank you, thank you guys
04:50It's good to be here on MADtv, but I have a question
04:55Why is it called MADtv?
04:57Shouldn't it be Happy TV?
04:58Aren't you guys happy?
05:01So I just decided for the next hour
05:04I'm going to call this show
05:05Happy TV
05:07Happy meals, happy trails
05:10Don't worry
05:11Be happy
05:13Woo!
05:18Hey, happy
05:20I'm doing Happy TV, man
05:23You just say enjoy the show here
05:24Come on, man, happy is, it's happy does
05:27This is not a monologue
05:30Come on, just get into it
05:31We can be together, man
05:33Come on, it's okay
05:35Seriously, seriously, this is not a monologue
05:37Look, you're just mad because I got my own show
05:39And you're just another cog in this angry show's machine, man
05:42You, you piece of bitch
05:45Whoa, whoa, dude, just relax
05:48Thanks, man, exhale, exhale
05:50Dude, just...
05:52No, no, no, take it down to 55, man
05:55See that right there?
05:58That was a bit that I did on my new sitcom
06:02Coppola...
06:02You want to go?
06:03You want to go?
06:03You want to go?
06:04You want to go?
06:05Come on, don't start with me
06:06If you keep messing with me, I'll tell Rupert
06:08Non-stop Fox
06:15You guys, do you guys see what I'm talking about?
06:25Mad TV
06:26Come on
06:27You guys
06:27Enjoy the happy show
06:30Outstanding!
06:40Outstanding!
06:42Down is...
06:44Outstanding!
06:46My God, look at him
07:11That guy is amazing looking
07:13So tortured, so twisted inside
07:15What fuels him?
07:17What dark passion rules him?
07:20I wonder what he's writing?
07:21It's probably a haiku
07:22A haiku about falling into his bottomless soul
07:26Thanks for the Easter pictures
07:28Uncle Frank looks like he was having fun
07:30Don't forget to save me some marshmallow peeps
07:33By the way, how is Uncle Frank?
07:35Tell him I said hi!
07:37Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point
07:39How's Puddles doing?
07:41Did she like the squeak to her eye center?
07:42I miss Puddles
07:44Tell Puddles I said woof woof
07:46Just kidding, teehee
07:47He's been hurt
07:49I've been hurt too
07:50We could bleed together
07:52He'll steal a Harley with a sidecar
07:55And we'll ride to Mexico
07:56Join the Zapatista rebels
07:58And raid the palace
08:00Well, we just closed up the pro campaign office
08:03We had a big party with an open bar and everything
08:06It was kind of sad
08:07But there's always 2,000
08:09We'll live on the beach
08:10Eat scorpions
08:12Stay up all night on bennies and tequila
08:14We can lick the salt off each other's bodies
08:17Oh God
08:18He's the kind of guy that wakes up
08:21And does black tar hair when in the shower
08:23Sorry my handwriting is so shaky, Mom
08:27But this Earl Grey tea has got me flying
08:30Next time I should get cam appeal
08:32Cam appeal?
08:35What?
08:36Grrrr!
08:37He's so angry
08:39That's because nobody truly understands him
08:41And not the way I do
08:43We'll become one
08:44Writhing on the volcanic sands of Cancun
08:47And when the Federal is closing to capture us
08:50He'll gently kiss my forehead
08:52And put the gun to my
08:53Next time I should get camo
08:55M-I-L-L-E
08:57Duh
08:58Looks like somebody needs to get stung by the spelling bee
09:01Oh my God
09:03He saw me staring
09:04Yes
09:05This is our first contact
09:06This is our beginning
09:08Uh-oh
09:09That girl is looking at me
09:11Okay
09:12Don't look
09:12Don't look
09:12Don't look
09:13Don't look
09:13Don't look
09:13I have to say something
09:15I'm not even in control of myself anymore
09:18And I love it
09:19Well
09:20Gotta go
09:21Don't forget to send my ice skates
09:23Tell everybody I said hi
09:26Even sis
09:27Love
09:28Joey
09:28Heart
09:29Exclamation point
09:30Smiley face
09:31Oh no
09:33He's leaving
09:34I'll probably never see him again
09:35I've got to say something
09:37Okay
09:38Just ignore her
09:40Keep walking
09:41Keep walking
09:42Everything's fine
09:44Hey
09:45He is so cool
09:53Hi
10:04I'm Tony Cartwright
10:06And this cool chick to my right
10:07Is a swinging actress
10:08By the name of Angela Fortidello
10:10You might remember us
10:11From such films as
10:12Beach Blanket Boy Crazy
10:13And Beach Blanket Beach
10:15In our newest film
10:16I play Pixie Patterson
10:17And Tony here plays my
10:19Four in flame
10:20Frenchie La Fleur
10:21Oui oui ma chérie
10:22Anyway
10:23In this film
10:25Pixie and Frenchie
10:26Get into a jam
10:26That might spell lights out
10:28For the whole Beach Blanket gang
10:29Whoa
10:30We don't want to give away too much
10:32Let's just show them
10:32Some scenes from the movie
10:34Ebola
10:36When California's hippest beach
10:41Is hit by the world's
10:42Deadliest disease
10:43You're in for a case
10:44Of Beach Blanket Ebola
10:46The fun is contagious
10:47When the whole Beach Blanket gang
10:49Gets infected
10:49Including Duke McCoy
10:51The leader of the gang
10:53He may play it tough
10:54For everybody else
10:55But he's a real softie
10:56When it comes to his friends
10:58You may play it tough
10:59With everybody else
11:00But you're a real softie
11:01When it comes to your friends
11:02Oh
11:03Ebola
11:08Ebola
11:09Also starring
11:12Charlton Heston
11:13As Patient Zero
11:14And everybody's favorite
11:17Fixin' fix
11:17Bixie's cousin Velma
11:19She may come from the wrong side
11:21Of the tracks
11:21But oh man
11:22What a caboose
11:24Velma
11:25I can't believe it
11:26Big Kahuna said you let him
11:27Go all the way last night
11:28Are you kidding?
11:29He only got to third base
11:30Although I did let him
11:32Stay there for three hours
11:33Velma
11:35You're bad
11:36I know
11:37Ain't it a gas?
11:38Bixie
11:38Velma
11:39Kids are dropping like flies
11:41On the beach
11:41But how?
11:43Frenchie and I cut one of them open
11:44But it looked like something
11:44Had melted their guts
11:45I have the same effect on boys
11:47When I slip them a little tongue
11:49We know Velma
11:51Boys
11:52You remember what Officer McMurphy
11:54Said about cutting up
11:55Any bodies we found
11:56This was an emergency
11:57Kids are crying
11:58In a big surfing contest
11:59Is tomorrow
12:00Well gosh
12:01We had better find Einstein
12:03Hey
12:04Who's the brains of this outfit?
12:07Introducing Albert Einstein
12:08As himself
12:09So
12:10What do you think Einstein?
12:13Finn?
12:14For starters
12:14Has anyone been bit in the ass
12:17By an ape?
12:20Ah
12:20We're certainly in a pickle
12:23But with a big surfing contest tomorrow
12:25How are we going to find
12:26One diseased monkey
12:27With all these hairy apes
12:28On the beach?
12:30Velma
12:30No, no
12:31Velma
12:32As much as I hate to admit it
12:35There's only one person
12:36Who may be able to help us
12:38The Queen of the Gypties
12:40That's right
12:41The beautiful Queen of the Gypties
12:43Is back
12:44And you don't need a crystal ball
12:45To see if that means trouble
12:47I will find the ape
12:48In my crystal ball
12:49But my price is
12:51One kiss from Frenchie
12:54No way
12:56There's gotta be another way
12:58But Oni
12:58This might be our best chance
13:00I'd rather die
13:02I'd rather die
13:02Frenchie
13:02If you go through with this
13:03Then you can kiss me goodbye
13:06Excuse me
13:08Did anybody lose an eighth?
13:11Holy moly
13:13It's blind musical sensation
13:14Little Stevie Wonder
13:15What are you doing here little Stevie?
13:19And how can you help?
13:20I heard there was an Ebola outbreak on the beach
13:22And I thought you hot doggers
13:23Could use a big musical number
13:24Could we ever?
13:26Everybody say yeah
13:29Everybody say all right
13:32Everybody say hey
13:34Everybody come on
13:37Come on
13:38Come on
13:39You'll have more fun
13:41Than a barrel of diseased monkeys
13:42As the whole beach blanket gang
13:44Twists and shouts their way
13:46Through a deadly viral contagion
13:48It's the surfinest
13:50Spreadnest
13:51Spoochinest
13:52Scabbiest
13:53Swinginest epidemic
13:55You've ever seen
13:57You'll dance in your seat
13:59Bleed from your eyes
14:01Bob till you drop
14:02Rock till your clock stops
14:04And roll all the way to quarantine
14:06In the summer's bounciest
14:08Biohazardous boogaloo badge
14:10Feet plank and Ebola
14:11Spreading the summer
14:13To a driver near you
14:14Once you catch it
14:15There's no viewer for the fun
14:17Thank God
14:21I think it's an artist's sketch
14:23Of the outfit
14:24That I want to wear
14:24On the show next week
14:25And let's go see in the room
14:28If we have something like that
14:30Welcome back
14:51This is Cabana Chat
14:52And this
14:53Is Dixie Wetsworth
14:58You like?
14:59Aye, aye
15:00Now a warm welcome
15:06For my cracked pepper prince
15:08Dexter St. Croix
15:10Hello, Dexter
15:11Look at you
15:15You look like the cat
15:16That ate the canary
15:17Do tell
15:18Well, as you know
15:19I had an audition this morning
15:20And I got the part
15:21I got the part
15:22This Dixie
15:24I'm gonna play the lead
15:24In Romeo and Juliet
15:25Oh, Dexter
15:27That's wonderful
15:28But who's gonna play Romeo?
15:31Better than Broadway actor
15:32Roscoe Lee Brown
15:34Oh
15:35Well, Dexter
15:36When you do the suicide scene
15:37I'm gonna have to kill myself too
15:39Because after that
15:40I will have officially
15:41Seen it all
15:42Hard enough about you
15:45Play out my fabulous co-host
15:47Pool Boy
15:48Ladies and gentlemen
15:55The dance of the pool boy
15:57Moisture
16:01Poolie
16:02Did you change your dance?
16:04Yeah
16:04I'm smiling more
16:05You've improved perfection
16:08I'm so proud of you
16:09Dixie
16:10Sometimes I feel like
16:11You're my mom
16:12That's understandable
16:13Considering all the time
16:14You've spent inside me
16:15We've had a wonderful surprise
16:22For you today
16:23One of Hollywood's brightest stars
16:25And a sweet, sweet man
16:26Please give a warm welcome
16:28To Bolly Shaw
16:29You know that was really funny
16:43That line that you said
16:44About him spending all the time
16:46Inside of you
16:47Oh
16:47Well, there's always room for more
16:49Ah, please, sit down
16:53Ah, ah, ah
16:55Ah, ah, ah
16:57So, Polly, have you met Dexter?
17:00Hi, Dexter
17:00Hey, Polly, a little weasel
17:02I'm not the weasel anymore
17:06I'm the badger
17:07Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
17:10I guess I better sent myself a trap then
17:13Oh, Polly, have you met pool boy?
17:16He's your biggest fan
17:17Ah, ah, ah
17:19Hi, Polly
17:22Oh, wait, wait, watch this
17:24Polly, Polly, Polly, Polly
17:27Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma
17:29That's funny
17:31Polly, Polly, Polly, Polly, Polly, Polly
17:33That's funny
17:34Finally, we know who got
17:37The other half of pool boy's brain
17:38You know, that's not the only thing
17:41We have in common
17:42You want to see?
17:43Yeah
17:43Okay
17:44Stop the violence
17:54If there was anyone out there
18:07Who wasn't sure how they felt about cloning
18:10so Dixie so Dixie can I ask you a question shoot when are you gonna eat me
18:22up our first commercial break oh cut to commercial cut the commercial so easy
18:30but no we have to do the show first I know I have my own show too yes and I
18:35heard it's wonderful what's it called it's called Polly oh I guess that's so you
18:42can find it if you get lost on the lot oh look I know Jackie leave me alone what's
18:54your new show about Polly okay well I play this guy right and I live in Brentwood
18:59with my dad right yeah and he's really rich and his stepmom's really pretty she's
19:03an ex aerobics instructor gold digger yeah yeah and then so Polly's like who's this
19:08chick and then then yeah he's a goo he's just a goo yeah that sounds like a real
19:15departure hey hey Polly Polly Polly Polly I have a question for you okay shoot okay I
19:24want to do a big Hollywood movie but all the scripts I get are dumb how can I get
19:28good scripts like you well pool boy what you have to do is you have to be really patient
19:37you can't just take the first offer that comes to the table I know because I learned that lesson
19:42when I did a movie called ass jockey pulleys like a pair of kitty scissors cute and colorful but not very
19:49sharp yeah I know I've been around the block a couple times myself really why don't you circle my block a few
19:56times and park your car in my garage you're saucy like you're sexy in a Boo Radley sort of way
20:12I have another one okay Dixie Dexter Dexter Dixie oh my god Dixie oh my god that is so brilliant
20:23that's you know what honestly that's better than Polly Polly Polly Polly Dixie Dexter Polly Polly Dixie Dexter
20:29oh my god that's it and then we go to her knees and then put one leg up
20:33oh my god I don't know what that is but this has been Cabana Chat a big thanks to the adorable
20:43man child Polly Shaw and this is Dixie Wetsworth Polly Polly Dance
20:53coming this spring from NBC the newest smash hit of the year and the biggest addition to must see TV
21:14test pattern yes test pattern the most relaxing half hour on television and it comes on right after
21:20Seinfeld and right before ER there's no need to get up or reach for that remote because when you're
21:26finished watching Seinfeld it'll almost be time for ER or if you don't want to watch just keep
21:31that TV on no need to mute with test pattern test pattern brings you down gently from the raucous
21:37hilarity of Seinfeld and prepares you psychologically for the hard-hitting hospital drama of ER Matt Roush of
21:43USA Today says what imbecile came up with with I oh well ER will be on in 28 minutes and Tom Sayles of the
21:51Washington Post says I've seen all the shows that NBC has put on between Seinfeld and ER and this is
21:57another one test pattern it's television sorbet coming up on mad TV there's nothing like walking down a red
22:07carpet and hearing 10,000 New Yorker scream Polly sure sucks Polly sure sucks uh can I have a large order of fries
22:15so Bill what do you have Polly sure sucks
22:22made
22:23so you're clear on how our deep fryer works yeah do you have any more questions about our procedure no
22:44okay okay welcome to world of eats how may we help you uh let's see um oh actually you know what
22:53I'm gonna let our trainee take your order okay um I'll have a leaning tower pizza burger with uh extra
22:59cheese and can I have uh I guess a large order oh okay I'm gonna stop you there don't take a bite of
23:07her burger just place it on the tray
23:08do you think she wants that burger yes do you like eating food that someone else has bitten no
23:20okay now what's missing oh
23:28ah but is the burger on the tray or is the tray on the burger I see
23:35forgive her she's just a trainee oh forget it I'm going through the same thing at the hospital
23:41uh can I have a large order of fries
23:43okay um good start I mean good speed getting the fries but does the customer have her fries now
23:54uh no and do you remember how effective placing the burger on the tray was as far as her actually
24:01getting her food yes fries it's the same thing do you think you can remember to do the exact same thing
24:09thing it's possible okay and can I have a large orange drink
24:16all right all right okay okay you you panicked that time didn't you remember drinks are the same as fries
24:33on the tray yes I understand okay how much
24:39now we don't have any money okay so we get to go home early perfect yeah no no not perfect wrong wrong
25:01this is a business we exchange goods and services for money if we don't have money we can't do business
25:08okay you know what forget this let's just call it a day get some sleep and try it again tomorrow
25:15is that your bed no then why are you sleeping there I don't know
25:34good night
25:37our delivery system has been killing us I mean I got 15 complaints this week alone
25:55I say we rehashed the entire traffic sorry guys yes Mitch um this will just take a sec
26:01do you know the name of the guy who used to be on Marcus Welby MD you really need to know this right
26:08now well it's kind of important uh who is that guy uh Robert Young no no the other guy James Brolin
26:14James Brolin that's right thank you okay oh Mitch Brolin is spelled i-n I know
26:21poor old Mitch one in a million okay where was I explain these things guys oh Mitch come on
26:30Mitch we're trying to get this done so we can get the hell out of here just one more question uh you
26:34know when people fall asleep in the middle of a conversation what's that called again narcolepsy
26:39now can you leave us alone please narcolepsy yes thanks thank you explain this to me can you believe
26:47this last one I promise um Mitch this isn't funny anymore you know the kind of salads they give you
26:53in really fancy restaurants all right Mitch if this is some kind of crossword puzzle you're doing I'm
26:57gonna kill you no no no no it's for something I'm writing Caesar salad no really fancy yeah Beth don't
27:05be so stupid endive um watercress watercress that's it Mitch it's just water and cress with a c not a k
27:17you know he's getting weirder every day I swear he's cracking up okay what was that came from
27:35Mitch's office oh what he killed himself he left a note what does it say to all my so-called friends
27:55thanks for tweeting me like nothing now I know how James Brolin must feel there was a time when I was
28:02respected people would listen to what I had to say now whenever I try to make a suggestion it's like
28:07everybody has narcolepsy or something so I might as well end it and you can go back to eating your
28:12fancy watercress salads as if I never existed
28:15look how I spelled narcolepsy
28:23are you desirably impaired do you find yourself serving punch at parties would you describe yourself as shy old-fashioned not on anyone's a list is your
28:30ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality well
28:41Are you desirably impaired?
28:46Do you find yourself serving punch at parties?
28:49Would you describe yourself as shy, old-fashioned, not on anyone's A-list?
28:53Is your ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality?
28:58Well, unless you win the lottery, you're never going to land that dreamboat.
29:02But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody.
29:05And that's why lowered expectations may be for you.
29:08Our video library is packed with thousands of chronically rejected singles, just like you.
29:15Antonia, number 5-2-2-1.
29:25The camera's rolling.
29:27Okay.
29:30Are you ready?
29:31Yes.
29:33Okay, just speaking to the camera.
29:38All right, let me help you get started.
29:41It says here you have a cat.
29:43What's your cat's name?
29:45Titi.
29:49Do you know how this works?
29:50Yes.
29:52And you're going to speak?
29:55Yes.
29:55I believe that it's possible.
29:58Okay.
29:59I'm going to count to three, and then you just start talking, okay?
30:03Okay.
30:03One, two, three.
30:14Sorry.
30:15For Antonia, press pound 5-2-2-1.
30:19Never in expectation.
30:26What is the beauty that goes into Mad TV?
30:29You are now watching Mad TV.
30:39Mad!
30:48Oh.
30:49Hold it.
30:51Wait up.
30:55Hello?
30:56Yes.
30:58Hello?
30:58Bill Johnson is here for his appointment.
31:01What's he want?
31:02He's here about the purchasing position.
31:04Oh.
31:05Okay.
31:06Good.
31:07Good.
31:07Send him in, please.
31:12Ah.
31:13Hello, Bill.
31:15Mr. Bedwell.
31:15Very good, then.
31:17Take a seat.
31:19So, Bill.
31:20What did you say?
31:23Hi.
31:24Hi.
31:24What are you doing?
31:26Is everything all right, sir?
31:27Ah, I'm just drunk.
31:29We caused this big deal this morning, and one of the guys said, hey, let's celebrate.
31:34You know, mimosas.
31:35Hey.
31:36You know what mimosas is?
31:38Uh, champagne and orange juice.
31:39No.
31:40Champagne and orange juice.
31:42Anyway.
31:42I never drink, and I never have breakfast, so, huh?
31:48I didn't say anything, sir.
31:50Huh?
31:51You know what?
31:52Maybe we should reschedule this.
31:54Good idea.
31:57Hey.
31:57Where are you going?
31:58I'm going to reschedule the appointment.
32:01No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
32:02Look, look, look.
32:03You're here.
32:04I'm here.
32:04We're all here.
32:05Let's just do this, okay?
32:07Okay.
32:08Okay.
32:09All right.
32:10Get to work.
32:18Why are you here again?
32:19I'm here about the purchasing agent's job.
32:22I believe Sam Pakin called you about me.
32:24You know Sam Pakin?
32:25Yeah.
32:26Uh, he's a good guy.
32:28Yeah.
32:29He's a real good guy.
32:30Real good.
32:31Yeah, he taught me a lot.
32:33He'll screw you, though.
32:34The bastard.
32:36Actually, we were never that close.
32:38So, Sam, what can I do for you?
32:41It's Bill.
32:43Didn't you just tell me your name was Sam?
32:45No, I said I worked for Sam Pakin.
32:48You know Sam Pakin?
32:50Oh, he's a good guy.
32:52All right, but we'll wait some time.
32:53Let's have a drink.
32:55Oh, actually, sir, it's a little early for me.
32:57Say when.
32:58Uh, when.
32:58Good.
32:59Okay.
33:01What's on your mind, buddy?
33:03I came for the purchasing agent's job.
33:06Oh, you have, have you?
33:07What kind of credentials have you got?
33:09Well, um, I worked over at the head of purchasing for Stimco.
33:15No, keep talking.
33:16Keep talking.
33:16And before that, I was in quality control over at Samuels and Sons.
33:24And, uh, I ran my own business for a while.
33:28I can hear you.
33:32Um, I went to Ohio State and got my master's in business.
33:37Admit it.
33:37Buddy?
33:57Welcome aboard.
33:59You got the job.
34:00I do?
34:00What kind of money are you looking for, huh?
34:02I, I don't know.
34:04I haven't thought about it.
34:05How's a million bucks, huh?
34:06Sounds a little high, sir.
34:10You don't think I got it?
34:11Hey, pal, I probably could be a runer's company.
34:14I can make this out right here and now.
34:15No, no, no, no.
34:16You don't have to do that, sir.
34:17A million bucks.
34:19There you go.
34:20There you go.
34:21Yeah, you sell something decent to wear.
34:22You look like crap.
34:23No, I'm just joking.
34:24Come on, you're a good guy.
34:26You're a good guy.
34:27You know, you're like my best friend.
34:31You're not going to screw me, are you?
34:33No, no, sir, I, I'm, I'm not.
34:36Um, look, here, I think you should take this and maybe we should just cancel this whole
34:41thing and do it again, you know, tomorrow morning.
34:43You know, and with all due respect, sir, I think you need to go home and get some rest.
34:47All right, you're a good guy.
34:49You're a good guy.
34:50You look out for me.
34:50You're a good guy.
34:51Okay.
34:53Okay, good guy.
34:55Hey, do me a favor.
34:57Send the next guy in on the way out.
34:58But, sir, he, he's here for the purchasing agent's job, too.
35:04What do you want me to do, sit here by myself?
35:10Why don't I freshen that up for you, sir?
35:12Ah!
35:13That's the Sammy I remember.
35:14That's me.
35:15Good time, Sammy.
35:16Good time, Sammy!
35:18Give me a good time, Sammy.
35:19Go over here.
35:21Good time, Sammy.
35:22Good time, Sammy.
35:24Good time.
35:28Good time.
35:53Good time.
35:53Good time.
35:54Good time.
35:54Folks, we've locked all the doors.
36:16There's no way out.
36:18Please welcome Polly Shore.
36:24Ah, well, it's good to be back here in Los Angeles.
36:33I just returned from New York City, where I attended the Howard Stern premiere party.
36:40And let me tell you, there's nothing like walking down a red carpet and hearing 10,000 New Yorkers scream,
36:45Polly Shore sucks!
36:47Polly Shore sucks!
36:49Yeah, and I thought it was going to go on forever, but good thing Carrot Top was right behind me.
36:54So our good friend, President Clinton, is still in trouble for charging $50,000 a night
37:01to spend one night in the Lincoln bedroom.
37:05And for an extra hundred, he threw in Chelsea.
37:13So as you guys know, here in California, they just passed a new law that makes marijuana legal for medical use only.
37:22Oh, let me tell you, I'm coming down with a bad case of glaucoma.
37:32And if I'm lucky, it should get worse.
37:44Stoner incoming!
37:48So you guys, I recently just bought a new home.
37:50I'm kind of excited.
37:51And I found out my next-door neighbor is director of all the Elm Street movies, Mr. Wes Craven.
37:59Wow.
38:01Yeah, and the other day, he was watering his plants.
38:03I said, hey, Wes, you see any scary movies lately?
38:07And he says, yes, Biodome.
38:11Yeah, that's kind of sad when a horror movie director has to watch your movie like this.
38:16But you guys saw Biodome, right?
38:22Did you guys see it?
38:25It wasn't that bad, right?
38:27Yeah, if you guys seen it, if you haven't seen it, stars myself in Stephen Baldwin.
38:34You know, I really don't like the Baldwin Brothers because you know why?
38:36They can basically get any girl they want in the whole world.
38:40And that's why I even wrote a rap called I Hate the Baldwins.
38:43Do you guys want to hear it?
38:47Okay, here it goes.
38:51Okay, it goes, I Hate the Baldwins.
38:54And that's the rap right there.
38:56No, it goes like this.
38:57I'll do it for you.
38:58It goes, I Hate the Baldwins with the perfect spiked hair.
39:02Lock jaw to bear.
39:04Flirting with my girl like they just don't care.
39:06Just the other night, I went to a fight.
39:09It was Oscar de la Hoya on a Saturday night.
39:12I look across the ring.
39:13Who do I see?
39:15All three Baldwin staring at me.
39:24I squeeze my girl's hand as hard as I could.
39:27I say, come on, baby doll.
39:28Those boys are no good.
39:30But they make me feel moist just looking over here.
39:35I want them all to spank me in the rear.
39:39Pull my hair, make me real sore.
39:42What can I say, Polly?
39:44You become a bore.
39:45I said, I hate the Baldwins.
39:48Peace.
39:49Hey, I'm Betsy.
40:09I'm on the lookout for a big man.
40:12Are you a big man?
40:13I need a big man who doesn't have a problem with my kissing, my dancing, or my big ex-boyfriend,
40:20Big Teddy.
40:22He's a big problem.
40:23He's got a big mouth and a big ego and a big truck full of big guns and big friends.
40:30And he's always following me around telling me how big he is.
40:34So, if you think you can take him, give me a call.
40:37After all, he is pretty big.
40:41All I can say is, if you start on him, you better not stop.
40:44Because if you don't kill him, you're a dead man.
40:49For Betsy, press down 4-4-2.
40:53Lowered expectations.
41:00Are you in there?
41:02Nicole from MADtv just wanted to say hi.
41:06Hello?
41:07Oh, there you are.
41:15You are me.
41:20You are me.
41:24You are me.
41:26Thank you, guys.
41:38Thanks, you guys, for tuning in.
41:40Definitely watch MADtv.
41:41I think it kicks ass.
41:42Don't you guys think?
41:46Thanks, Adam and Facts.
41:48Watch my show Monday nights right on this network.
41:50The best network in the whole world.
41:52Fox.
41:53Okay?
41:53At 9.40, thanks, you guys.
41:56Thank you!
41:579.30!
42:19Woo!
42:20Woo!
42:20Woo!
42:20Woo!
42:21Woo!
42:22Oh, my God!
42:24I'm done it!
42:25I'm done it!
42:26I'm done it!
42:28I'm done it!
42:30What a good day!
42:32I'm done it!
42:38A way to step on the floor.
42:40Oh, damn!
42:42Oh, man!
42:52Oh, my God!
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