- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 2
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00Hey, hey, hey.
00:05What?
00:05Pull over up there.
00:06Why, what do you got?
00:07Couple of N-words hanging out on the corner.
00:09Yeah, you know, I think I recognize the big N-word.
00:16Oh, man, what's this?
00:18What's up, gentlemen?
00:20Well, what you P-words want?
00:22Shut your mouth, N-word.
00:23We could ask you the same question.
00:25Hey, man, we're just chilling.
00:26Waiting for our H-words to show up.
00:28Yeah, right, come on, turn around.
00:29You know the procedure.
00:30S-word, man.
00:31Why are you going to be hassling the brother?
00:33Get off me, P-word.
00:34Hey, touch me again, and I'll break your G-word, D-word, S-word, O-word, B-word, N-word, S.
00:38Why are you buzzing these boys?
00:39They're not hurting anyone.
00:41Back off, K-word.
00:43You have no life.
00:44You...
00:45I didn't take your license.
00:46He's clean.
00:48Of course I'm clean.
00:50That's right.
00:52And you and your B-word-ass girlfriend can step on.
00:55Uh-huh.
00:57And take your short white D-words with you.
00:59All units in the vicinity of 843 Cesar Chavez Avenue, 211 in progress.
01:06Please respond.
01:07She's new, huh?
01:08She sounds cute.
01:09Great pair of T-words.
01:10Yeah.
01:10Hey, sexy.
01:12What time you getting off work tonight?
01:14Not in a million years, D-word, head.
01:16Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
01:17Hey!
01:18Somebody's on the R-word.
01:22It's too hot for this S-word.
01:24He's so crazy.
01:33Man!
01:42Ma!
01:43Hey!
01:44Hey!
01:44Hey!
01:45You're so...
01:47Hey!
01:48Man!
01:48Crazy.
01:49Hey!
01:50Man, you're so appraising for me now
02:11Man, you're so appraising for me
02:41Please stand for me
02:42Thanks for tuning in
02:44So far things are going really really well
02:46We're falling into a groove here
02:48Yep
02:49Well, all but one of us
02:50Nicole
02:52Oh guys, come on
02:53Now, Nicole's been feeling a little bit hold sake
02:55No, I haven't
02:57Well, I have been a little bit, I guess
02:59So we got the set department to prepare a little surprise for her
03:06Oh my god
03:07Oh my god
03:09Oh, my God!
03:11This is my bedroom!
03:12This is my exact bedroom from back home!
03:14That's right.
03:15See, after the pilot, when we had those three weeks off,
03:17we just had the whole thing just shipped right out here.
03:19Oh, but my stuffed animals and my record albums and...
03:23Oh, my God!
03:24The poster from my senior play,
03:26the one everyone signed!
03:27This is incredible!
03:28You had a hair crimper?
03:30Oh, yeah.
03:31Olivia Newton-Jean.
03:33Oh, God, I used to lip-sync to that.
03:35How embarrassing!
03:37Hey!
03:38Let's get physical, physical.
03:41I wanna get honey.
03:42I was totally impressed.
03:43Me, too.
03:44Me, too.
03:45Did you needle-pull this?
03:46Ooh.
03:47Oh, wow.
03:49Nicole, that's good.
03:50It shows you were taking responsibility for birth control.
03:53Really.
03:54A lot of responsibility.
03:55Safe, safe.
03:56Well, thank you, guys.
03:57God, I was a little bit embarrassed.
03:58Hey, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
04:00Thank you, Deborah.
04:01I didn't know you were a rah-rah.
04:03Oh, that's true.
04:05With the outfit.
04:07Oh, my God.
04:09Guys, it was just a rough couple of months.
04:13I was dating this dealer, and...
04:16No, Nicole, it's good that you were...
04:19Yeah, I guess it was kinda cool back then.
04:21Oh, definitely.
04:22And I know better now.
04:23You know what I'm saying?
04:24Yeah, here you go.
04:25I learned my lesson.
04:26Hey!
04:27Hey!
04:28Is this a foreign film?
04:29Orlando, don't, don't, don't.
04:30You were really limber.
04:31You were really limber.
04:32Remember that guy I told you I was dating?
04:34He was also, um, a film, uh, director.
04:37Well, okay, a film, a film student.
04:39Really.
04:40It's actually a very professional quality, uh, production.
04:44Yeah.
04:45And the clothes, uh, clothing, when we were wearing it, was, um, authentic pilgrim garb.
04:51I see that.
04:52Oh.
04:53You're from Love Chain?
04:54I love that movie.
04:56Uh, Nicole, it's okay, really.
04:59When I was in college, I did a lot of art films, too.
05:01Really?
05:02Yes.
05:03Really?
05:04You know, you guys are the most understanding and supportive friends a gal could have out
05:09here.
05:10Thank you so much.
05:11Nicole, I, uh, I can't seem to find you in your own yearbook here.
05:14Oh.
05:15Turn to page 72.
05:18Oh, yeah, here it is.
05:20Sullivan.
05:22This says Nick Sullivan.
05:25Yeah, well, up until my sophomore year, I was a guy.
05:29Oh, get out of here.
05:30Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, was, was.
05:32Well, those are nice.
05:33Oh, thank you.
05:34Thank you very much.
05:35Yeah, it just, you know, I woke up one day and I decided to stop being afraid and to
05:43start living the life I always wanted to lead.
05:45That's good.
05:46Yeah.
05:47That's great.
05:48You know, I have to go do something.
05:50I have to do it with you, guys.
05:51Was that, was that too much information?
05:54Okay.
05:55Did I go too far?
05:56Again?
05:57Oh, God.
05:58Okay, good.
05:59Cut.
06:00What are you looking at?
06:02Not a chance.
06:13Not a chance.
06:17Okay, cut.
06:18Cut!
06:19The Dream Team, Johnny Cochran, F. Lee Bailey, and Robert Shapiro.
06:28After their brilliant defense of O.J. Simpson in 1995, they're hurled back in time to represent
06:33other impossible to defend clients.
06:35Their only guide in this journey is Ito, a judge from their own time whom only they can
06:40see.
06:41And so the Dream Team find themselves leaping from case to case, hoping the next leap will
06:46be the leap back to their cushy jobs.
06:50Quantum Dream Team.
06:52The evidence against Charles Manson is overwhelming.
06:57It's the death penalty say most legal analysts.
07:00Oh, no.
07:01This is the Manson murder trial.
07:03What is that damn Ito up to now?
07:05Ito, we're in 1969, and we're probably in the form of Charles Manson's defense lawyers.
07:10Oh, God, and they had such bad hair.
07:13Benedict Arnold, John Wilkes, Booth, and Orenburg trials, and now this?
07:17What's your game, Ito?
07:18Pong.
07:21Well, gentlemen, let's get to work.
07:25Hello, Charlie.
07:26Sorry if we startled you by appearing out of mid-air and having a conversation with someone
07:30you couldn't see.
07:31That's all right, baby.
07:32I never felt more at home.
07:33I know things look grim now, son, but believe me, you are not going to go to jail.
07:37Jails?
07:38Ha!
07:39It's y'all that are locked up, see?
07:41All society's got prison bars in their eyes.
07:43Y'all bunch of little jail furs.
07:46Well, I think it's time for one of our famous theories.
07:49Your Honor, if we may make an opening statement, Mr. Cochran.
07:54Good morning, Your Honor.
07:55Good morning.
07:56Sharon Tate's husband, Mr. Polanski, had just completed a film called Rosemary's Baby,
07:59in which a woman gives birth to the Antichrist, thus spelling the N to mankind.
08:03Nice going, Charlie.
08:05Now, what this film was, in reality, was his plan, his appeal, if you will, for someone
08:09to kill his own unborn child, which was clearly the son of Satan.
08:13Good morning, Your Honor.
08:14Good morning.
08:15This is already proven.
08:16We know this to be a fact.
08:17It doesn't need to be debated here.
08:21Good morning, Your Honor.
08:22Good morning.
08:23Who better to kill the son of Satan than the son of man?
08:25Man's son.
08:26Manson.
08:27This defendant is the victim of a vast satanic law enforcement conspiracy avenging the Antichrist.
08:32Now, the connection between the LAPD and Satanism is well documented.
08:36He's a relative.
08:37He's a relative.
08:38He's a relative.
08:40He's a relative.
08:47He's a.
08:48He's a relative.
08:49All right?
08:50Marine to Marine.
08:51So, the Antichrist conspiracy theory, coupled with the defense's 11th hour theory of relativity,
08:54I can, in all good conscience, dismiss the state's case against the defendant, Charles Manson.
09:01Quarter journal.
09:03Good work, guys. Good work, F.
09:06Johnny, no hot feelings?
09:07Not at all, Bobby.
09:12Hey, where are we going now?
09:15Well, wherever it is, I hope they have good Chinese.
09:17And bras.
09:17And booze. I need a drink.
09:20Jesus Christ.
09:21Yes.
09:22Don't you worry, son. We'll get you off.
09:25Are you angels?
09:26Better. We're lawyers.
09:28You don't understand. I don't want to be freed. I need to be crucified.
09:33Well, that's never stopped us before.
09:35That's right, because we're...
09:37The Dream Team!
09:45Hey, Newt.
09:45Now that your plan to distribute a laptop computer to the poorest Americans has been implemented,
09:50what have you got on your power book?
09:52Well, I've got the GOP's contract with America,
09:55I've got the latest chapter of my new sex thriller,
09:57I've got the Constitution revised,
10:00I've got my divorce settlement,
10:01and I've got my brand new contract with the power book company
10:03giving me controlling shares of power book stock.
10:06Hey, homeless lady,
10:09what have you got on your power book?
10:11Snot, drool,
10:13and my ass,
10:14because it's war!
10:16Power Book.
10:17Pre-ultimate and interactive computers.
10:19Sure beats a newspaper.
10:20The miracle of modern medicine.
10:43Prior to surgery,
10:46the patient is anesthetized
10:48by being placed in a refrigerator.
10:55Closing the door may require assistance.
11:01Refrigeration numbitizes the patient's sensory strewnods,
11:05rendering him incapable of feeling the rusty dull blade of the scalpel.
11:09The patient is now ready for surgery.
11:22If we can liberate entrepreneurs and inventors
11:26and make their technology available to the public,
11:28we'll be improving America in a way we can only now barely imagine.
11:32Wasn't the GOP program to hand out computers to the homeless
11:34a complete disaster?
11:36Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Bill.
11:39Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
11:43I'm Bill Stinson.
11:45Now, with budget cuts,
11:47government-subsidized housing is out of the question.
11:50But we have come up with a revolutionary low-cost solution.
11:55Behold,
11:57the Habitat 2000.
11:59With this virtual reality helmet,
12:02we can create the illusion of a home,
12:05a family,
12:06food, money, security,
12:07all at the flip of a switch.
12:10Now,
12:10with us today to help demonstrate this miraculous device is
12:13Johnny Immergut.
12:16Johnny,
12:17would you please tell us
12:18where you've been living?
12:21Outside.
12:23Not for long, my friend.
12:25Okay.
12:27Now, ladies and gentlemen,
12:28if you will please turn your attention to the monitor,
12:31you will see exactly what Johnny is seeing.
12:33The American dream.
12:37Oh,
12:38this is all mine?
12:41It's beautiful.
12:44Hello, honey.
12:45I've missed you so much.
12:47How was your rewarding
12:50and high-paying job today?
12:52High-paying and rewarding?
12:57Ah,
12:58something smells good.
13:00What's for dinner?
13:01Your favorite,
13:03Thanksgiving turkey.
13:06Ah, yeah.
13:08Yeah, yeah.
13:09Ah, boy.
13:10Ah, ah!
13:13Give it back!
13:15Please, give it back!
13:16Well, Johnny,
13:17what did you think?
13:18Was it real?
13:18Yeah, it was real!
13:19You're about to suck the turkey!
13:21Give it back!
13:23Come on, Johnny!
13:27Oh, God.
13:29Our new virtual housing program
13:31can turn any alley
13:32into a split-level ranch
13:33with two baths
13:34and any fire escape
13:35into a spiral staircase.
13:37Also,
13:37these helmets are equipped
13:38with a homing device
13:39so we can track
13:40and monitor these people
13:41for, uh,
13:42tax and census information.
13:44You know,
13:44apparently these people
13:46don't have bank cards.
13:47Ah, boy.
13:50Ah, boy.
13:51I'm virtually stuffed.
13:53I haven't eaten like that
13:54since Thanksgiving
13:55at the Mission.
13:56Ah, ah.
13:59Well,
14:01it's been an hour.
14:02Care to join me
14:03in the jacuzzi, my dear?
14:05Why don't you jump in
14:06and see if it's hot?
14:09Okay.
14:10How about a candy ball?
14:12Oh, ah!
14:15So, I'd like to thank
14:17Dr. Stinson
14:17for his wonderful invention,
14:19which we think
14:19is our final solution
14:20to eliminate the homeless.
14:23Uh, problem.
14:25Homeless problem.
14:31Hi, I'm Brian Callan.
14:32I just, I just want to say
14:43how incredibly lucky
14:44I feel to be part of this show.
14:46You see,
14:47because to be honest,
14:48luck had pretty much
14:49everything to do with
14:50why I'm standing here right now.
14:52You see,
14:53the guy that I was competing against
14:54was not only sexier
14:55and better looking.
14:57It's possible.
14:58It's possible.
14:58But he was funnier, too.
15:02However,
15:03lucky for me,
15:04he was also
15:05a total jerk.
15:06And I say that
15:07because when it came time
15:08to audition,
15:09I turned to him
15:10and I said,
15:11uh,
15:11hey, good luck, man.
15:12You're a really funny guy.
15:14To which he replied,
15:16get this,
15:18hey,
15:19thanks a lot, man.
15:23Hey,
15:23thanks a lot, man.
15:25So, you know,
15:27I'm not stupid, right?
15:29You don't have to be
15:29a rocket scientist
15:30to figure out
15:31what he was really saying there was,
15:33you talentless parasite.
15:35Why don't you go back
15:36to junior college
15:37where you belong?
15:39Well,
15:40as luck would have it,
15:42as he was going
15:43into the audition,
15:44I went to stretch
15:45like this.
15:49And somehow,
15:50I caught his face
15:51in my fist
15:52by accident.
15:53And it was really funny.
15:54because his head just went,
15:55bleh, bleh.
15:57So now he's standing
15:58in front of me
15:59and he's making this,
16:00like,
16:00ridiculous face.
16:03And I could see
16:04that he was about to attack.
16:05So I realized
16:06very quickly
16:07that I was going to
16:08have to defend myself.
16:09So I took a step back
16:11and I just said,
16:12B-A-J-A-E-J-A-E-J-A-E-J-A-E-J-A-E.
16:22So anyway,
16:30lucky for me,
16:31they couldn't use anybody
16:32with a crushed-in cranium
16:34and no teeth.
16:35So here I am,
16:36Mr. Lucky.
16:37UPS
16:50Great, can you give me a couple minutes?
16:53I'm just about ready
16:54No problem
16:55Hey, where's your secretary?
17:01She's out sick today
17:02Oh, I hear that, know what that's like
17:04I'm Jack
17:06Elizabeth
17:08Oh, yeah, I know, I know
17:10What you working on, Elizabeth?
17:15Proofreading and underwriting agreement
17:17Wow
17:19Your office is, like, huge
17:25You must be, like, really, really up there
17:28Jack, I have an idea
17:31I'm sure other people have packages
17:32So why don't you go downstairs and pick those up
17:34And you can come get this one on your way out
17:35No problem
17:36Actually, small problem
17:40There's only two packages
17:42It's only one trip
17:43I don't make two trips unless there are five more packages
17:46Of medium or greater size
17:47Because then they won't fit on the hand cart
17:48And then once I hit the truck
17:49I'm gone
17:50Now, this has to get out today
17:53Look, just have a seat
17:54And I'll be right with you
17:55No problem
17:56Whoa
17:59You got a lot of diplomas
18:19Are they real?
18:21Yes
18:25Yeah, I'm going to give me one of those
18:27You know, after I retire at 45
18:28I do it now, but I'm on a career arc
18:31You know
18:32Don't want to lose a big M
18:34This takes a great deal of concentration
18:38And frankly, you're giving me a headache
18:40Oh, totally
18:41I know what that's like, you know
18:42It's like when I'm driving at the end of the day
18:44It's like in the sun
18:45And my head is like
18:46Ding, ding, ding
18:47You know
18:47So, usually I just like
18:49Close my eyes
18:50And rub my temples
18:50And like
18:51Count to ten
18:51And then I'm like
18:52Whoa
18:52Because I'm on the other side of the road
18:53You know
18:53You got nice hair
19:00Thank you
19:03Yeah, you know
19:04I keep my hair short too
19:05You know
19:05I can totally tell from your hair
19:06That you're like
19:06On your way to the top
19:07You know
19:07Ah, the cornerstone of a successful business
19:10Nice hair
19:11Yeah, totally
19:12You know
19:12I figure I'm only going to be driving
19:14Another two or three years
19:14You know
19:15I mean
19:15Because after that
19:16I'll move up to dispatcher
19:16Kick it there for about 15 years
19:18Then call it a career
19:19You smell good
19:21We just had the office painted
19:26Looks good
19:31You know
19:33I'm always trying to improve myself
19:35I mean
19:35That's what I do
19:36You know
19:36You know
19:36I'm moving like an airplane
19:37Taking off
19:37And you're like
19:38You know
19:38You know
19:40Because
19:40If you're like an airplane on the runway
19:41You know
19:42You're not going anywhere
19:42You know
19:43I mean
19:44Because if you're not moving
19:44You're standing still
19:45You know
19:46But not me
19:47No way
19:47I mean
19:48You know that
19:48I mean
19:48You're like that too
19:49You know
19:49You're totally like
19:49You know
19:50I mean
19:51I think we're both
19:51Like you know
19:52You know
19:52Well as a matter of fact
19:55This package is now ready to
19:56I think you should get going
19:59Well yeah
20:00I should
20:01But I don't have to
20:02You know
20:02Because
20:03I'm like way ahead of schedule
20:04You know
20:04You know
20:05I mean
20:05I get off work at six
20:06You know
20:07Because I don't know
20:07What time you get off
20:08But like
20:08You know
20:09If I was going to go to a movie
20:10I would like usually eat first
20:11Because I get off at six
20:12You know
20:12So if like somebody were to ask me
20:13Like how long to take Elizabeth
20:14To like you know
20:15Shower
20:15And like do her hair
20:16And like do her makeup
20:17And stuff
20:17I'd be like
20:17I don't know
20:18You know
20:18Package delivered
20:25All right
20:27Take it easy
20:28Shake it off
20:30Shake it off
20:30Lost battle
20:31Not the war
20:32No problem
20:48You're one of watching the TV
21:18All right
21:33Hi
21:35I'm Phil Lamar
21:36Thank you
21:40Thank you
21:40All right
21:42I figured
21:43The best way for you guys
21:44To get to know me
21:45Was to know a little
21:46About the parts I've played
21:47And the ones I haven't played
21:48This is a list of character names
21:52These are all real parts
21:53That I actually auditioned for
21:55And didn't get
21:56Curtis
21:59Tyrone
22:01Jamal
22:02Liquor Man
22:03Bag Boy
22:06Black G.I.
22:07Loco
22:08Zeebo
22:09Peanut
22:10Ice Tray
22:12Ice Pick
22:13Popsicle
22:14And Monkey
22:15Now
22:17They said I couldn't play
22:19These parts
22:19Because I wasn't
22:20Street enough
22:21Or ethnic enough
22:23Or threatening enough
22:24Basically
22:25Not black enough
22:26Now
22:27Here are some of the parts
22:28I did play
22:29Eugene
22:31Stanley
22:33Marvin
22:35Leonard
22:36Ben Klein
22:38And Bob
22:39Basically
22:42Oreos
22:43Which is why
22:45I was so happy
22:46To be the black guy
22:47On Mad TV
22:48Until I found out
22:49They hired another
22:50Blacker guy
22:51I mean
22:52Look
22:53I am as black
22:54As I need to be
22:55Okay
22:55I mean
22:56You know
22:56I can play
22:57Street
22:57Yo
22:59I'm a stonefly
23:05Mac Papa
23:05I
23:06Is that black enough
23:13For
23:14It's not funny
23:17You guys
23:17But Cold War
23:24Has just ended
23:25But deep below
23:27The ocean surface
23:28The battle for survival
23:29Has just begun
23:30For an all female crew
23:32And a crazed captain
23:34All hands
23:35Prepare to launch missiles
23:37But captain
23:38It's only a partial message
23:40It says proceed with law
23:41Are you questioning my orders
23:45Shirley MacLaine
23:46Aboard a nuclear submarine
23:49But captain
23:50You want to know why
23:51I'm firing nuclear missiles
23:52At Russia
23:53Because I feel like it
23:55That's why
23:56Move with me
23:57Launch
23:57Launch
23:58Launch
23:59Launch
23:59Launch
24:00Wait a minute
24:03Captain
24:04Can't you see what's happening
24:05The entire crew
24:06Has synchronized cycles
24:08You're all having PMS
24:09At the same time
24:11Crimson Tide 2
24:13Two women
24:14Locked in a conflict
24:15Of maxi proportions
24:17Look bitch
24:18We can't fire those missiles
24:19Unless we get confirmation
24:20Of that message
24:21Oh sure
24:22Aren't you a little
24:23Miss logical
24:24Just because
24:25You've had a hysterectomy
24:26This crew is out of control
24:29Captain
24:33We're taking a lot
24:34You're telling me
24:36Look how big my stomach is
24:38Never have the screen seen
24:40Such dramatic mood swings
24:42Captain
24:42We can't launch our missiles
24:44Unless you and I concur
24:45Give me the missile key
24:47Give me the missile key
24:50Give me the missile key
24:52Please
24:53Give me the missile key
24:58Give me the missile key
24:58No
25:00I'm sick of being nice
25:10Give me the key
25:11Not since Waterworld
25:14Has a movie been this morning
25:16Captain
25:17This is the completed message
25:19It says proceed with laundry
25:21We're not under attack
25:23I don't care
25:25I have cramps
25:26Fire missiles
25:28Fire missiles
25:30Crimson Tide 2
25:34Coming every 28 days
25:36To a theater near you
25:46Hey Mike
25:52Hey
25:52What you got there?
25:55That's my gun
25:56Oh your gun
25:57Yeah of course
25:58Where the hell did you get that artillery?
25:59Beginning today
26:00Anyone who brings a gun to work
26:02At the post office
26:03Will be immediately
26:04And summarily fired
26:06Don't look at me
26:08I got two kids at home
26:09I am
26:11Not trained in firing
26:13What do you mean you're not trained in firing?
26:14You're a supervisor
26:15I took a mail order call
26:16A mail order call
26:17Hey hey
26:17What about Bill?
26:20Bill
26:20Perfect
26:21Bill could you come in here a moment please?
26:26The Fuhrer was actually very funny
26:28What's up guys?
26:30Bill we think you're doing a stellar job as a supervisor trainee
26:34Stellar
26:35So we decided to move you along two weeks in your training program
26:39Fantastic
26:39Congratulations
26:40Thank you
26:41Now we think you're going to have no problem with the advanced portion of the course
26:44Great
26:45What is it?
26:46Mike Blevins has brought a gun to work today
26:48I'm sure you're familiar with our new director
26:51He needs to be fired a meeting
26:54Yeah
26:56Um you know what?
26:58I think two more weeks of training
26:59Are completely unnecessary
27:01Now Bill you get out there and you make us proud
27:03Us good people are going to have to prepare ourselves
27:06Cleansing rain huh?
27:08Yes yes
27:09It's going to wash all the scum off the face of the earth
27:12And lead Starship America through the gates of purity you see
27:15Yeah
27:16Gentlemen
27:18Oh hey Bill
27:21Well I gotta go
27:23I gotta have work to do so
27:24See you later
27:24It's okay
27:25You don't have to
27:26Mike
27:30Bill
27:30Mike
27:32Bill
27:33You've been doing some great work here lately
27:38Have I?
27:39Oh sure
27:40I mean the way you sort all the letters into the right bins
27:44And you even tear the borders off the stamps when you sell them
27:48I mean people who buy whole sheets they really appreciate that
27:50You know you'd think so Bill
27:52But most of them don't
27:53And they're bastards
27:54They're pain in the ass bastards
27:56Well it's okay to be mad
27:58You know
27:59But when we break the rules
28:01Then um
28:02Yeah
28:03We have to take responsibility for our actions
28:07What are you saying Bill?
28:12You're fired
28:13I'm what?
28:16Uh
28:16You can't bring a gun to work Mike
28:19You're fired
28:21I'm standing here with a loaded gun
28:24A gun loaded with hollow points
28:26That could turn your head into a fine pink mist
28:30And you're telling me I'm fired?
28:33Yes
28:33Oh god please don't kill me
28:35Kill you?
28:38No
28:38Kill you?
28:39No god
28:40You don't deserve the quick release of death
28:42Bill Hazleton
28:43Supervisor trainee
28:44Because I'm
28:45Mike Albrecht
28:47County substation inspector
28:49You did a commendable job in firing me son
28:51The only man here
28:55With any courage at all
28:57Johnston, Washington and Dodgerbrecht
29:00Front and center please
29:01By delegating a potentially hazardous job to a trainee
29:07You have shown a slipshod attitude
29:10Towards the authority and responsibility of your positions
29:13You are all fired
29:15Fired?
29:16After all we put up with?
29:18You son of a...
29:20Tupac Shakur
29:29What have you got on your power book?
29:31I got a note to myself
29:32To stop calling these bitches hoes
29:34Those sluts is killing me
29:36Hey, they make a good song
29:38Anyways
29:39I got an email to Minister Muhammad
29:41Got to get some religion before my parole hearing
29:44I got movie ideas for penitentiary foe
29:47And a letter to the organ donor board
29:49Them suckers best put me at the top of that list for a new nut
29:52Oh yeah
29:53Got to list all the hoes that EZ's slept with
29:55Yo, brother got to protect what he got left
29:58You know what I'm saying?
30:00Snoop Doggy Dog
30:01What have you got on your power book?
30:03I got some straight up gangster lyrics for all the OGs
30:05Pimps, Huskers and hoes
30:07Plus I got my lawyer's phone number
30:09My lawyer's pager number
30:11My lawyer's cell phone number
30:13My lawyer's home number and address
30:16My lawyer number at his girlfriend house
30:18My lawyer's number at the Trizac
30:20Plus I got a list of all the hoes EZ's slept with
30:24Brotherhood protectors, Jimmy and Nine-Five
30:26I know what I'm saying?
30:28Oh yeah, and I know to myself
30:30Get some tickets to see chorus line
30:32Power book, the ultimate in interactive computers
30:37Well, thanks
30:38Thank you
30:39Thank you
30:40Thanks
30:42Thank you
30:48Thank you
30:49Here you are, princess.
31:12Frog's legs.
31:19Coffee, honey?
31:29Thanks, kitten.
31:31Do you realize that we've been moving for over 12 hours now?
31:34I think we could call it a day.
31:35I think we can, too.
31:37Oh, goodness.
31:38God, I feel incredible.
31:40Me, too.
31:41This is such a wonderful neighborhood for Timmy.
31:43Speaking of which, I heard that there's a great pediatrician who lives two doors down.
31:46Isn't that just perfect?
31:48Oh, boy.
31:49No.
31:50I've got it.
31:51Sit.
31:52Thank you, sweetheart.
31:55Hey!
31:56How you doing?
31:57I'm Charlie Hathaway.
31:58I live a few doors down.
31:59Oh, hi, Charlie.
32:00I am Bert, and this here is my lovely wife, Jill.
32:03Howdy, Jill.
32:04How you doing?
32:05Good, good.
32:06Hey, Bert and Jill, huh?
32:07Kind of like those two guys on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie.
32:11Except her name is Jill.
32:13Right, right.
32:14That's the difference.
32:15Listen, I made you a little housewarming gift.
32:18It's my famous homemade apple strudel.
32:21Oh.
32:22Oh.
32:23Well, you look at that.
32:24I fool around.
32:25Well, come on in.
32:26Have a seat.
32:27Are you sure?
32:28Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit.
32:29Charlie, we were just about to have some coffee.
32:31Yeah.
32:32I'll take the load off.
32:33Sure.
32:34So, uh, should we be calling you, uh, Dr. Hathaway?
32:38Doctor?
32:39Oh, no, I wish.
32:40That's Dr. Horton.
32:41He lives across the street.
32:42I work for the DMV.
32:43Hi.
32:44And, uh, you know, I might as well get this out of the way now.
32:46I mean, we're gonna be neighbors for a long time, huh, guys?
32:49Uh, I'm only telling you this because I'm required by law.
32:53In addition to being one heck of a little chef, I'm also a convicted sex offender.
33:00Good coffee, Joe.
33:04Convicted convicted?
33:05Yeah, but, uh, you don't have to worry about that.
33:08I'm completely rehabilitated.
33:10Now, um, I'm only telling you this because I'm required by law, uh, I just masturbate.
33:16Uh, a lot.
33:18But, um, you don't have to worry about that, either, because I'm able to get most of that
33:22done at work.
33:23Mr. Edward!
33:25Hey, Timmy!
33:26I told you to call me Uncle Charlie.
33:28You've met our son?
33:29Sure!
33:30Me and Timmy were playing wiffle ball with some of the other kids in the neighborhood.
33:33Uncle Charlie's the best, Mom and Dad.
33:35He taught me how to slide into home and how to hold the bed.
33:38Okay, you know what?
33:39That's enough, Timmy.
33:40Timmy, why don't you run upstairs and wash up?
33:41We're having pizza for dinner tonight.
33:43Hey!
33:44Oh, boy!
33:45Can you stay and have pizza with us, Uncle Charlie?
33:46No, we don't have enough pizza, Timmy.
33:48Run upstairs now.
33:49I love you, Uncle Charlie.
33:51You run upstairs!
33:52I love you, Tim.
33:54That's what heck of a kid you guys got, Tim.
33:57Listen, Bert and Jill, back to you two.
33:59Since I'm, uh, required to know by law, are either of you convicted sex offenders?
34:04No!
34:05Do either of you masturbate?
34:07That is enough, Charlie.
34:10Look, I appreciate the fact that you've moved on with your life, but I think you should
34:13go now.
34:14Please!
34:15We've had a very long day.
34:16Okay, fine.
34:17I'll see you kids around the campfire, okay?
34:19Good to see you.
34:20Whatever.
34:21Talk to you, Joe.
34:23Oh, my God.
34:24Wow.
34:25Oh, my God!
34:26What are we gonna do?
34:27Honey, we have worked a long, long time to live in a nice neighborhood like this, and
34:31we are not gonna let some perv guy scare us away.
34:35We're just gonna have to be extra careful, that's all.
34:38You're right, honey.
34:40This is our home.
34:41That's the gal I married.
34:42Oh, God.
34:43I got it.
34:45Hi.
34:46I'm here to rent the guest house.
34:51And I'm required by law to tell you that I'm Kato Kale.
34:57Kato Kale.
34:58Give me back!
34:59You're back!
35:00Get the realtor on the phone.
35:01Give me back!
35:02I'm gonna show that, jackass!
35:04Oh, God.
35:05Give me back!
35:06Hi.
35:07I'm Mary Shear.
35:11This may sound strange, but I've always had this weird passion for Korean folk music
35:18and gymnastics.
35:19And I've never had the chance to perform them together in public before.
35:23So when the mad people called, I made it clear that if they wanted me to do their show,
35:28they were gonna have to let me do my thing.
35:30And guess what?
35:31They said okay.
35:33So, here goes.
35:37Oh, yeah!
35:38Thank you, everyone!
35:51And thank you, Mad TV, for letting me live up my dream on National!
36:07Television!
36:17Dude, don't I get in here, all right?
36:20All right.
36:21Yo!
36:22Mongoose, my man!
36:23What's...
36:24Yo!
36:25My little bro Tony here, man.
36:26Hey, what's up?
36:27Yeah, welcome to the Pro Air Guitar Center.
36:29Oh, man!
36:30Check out these axes, man!
36:32Oh, wow, man!
36:34Such a cute strap!
36:36You mind if I try it out, man?
36:37Sure, man!
36:38Thanks, man!
36:39Can you hook me up, man?
36:41Okay, you ready?
36:42Yeah.
36:47Whoa, man!
36:48Sweet nectar!
36:49Ow!
36:51All right, look.
36:52Are you guys looking to buy or what?
36:54Yeah, he needs a good beginner's guitar.
36:55He's just starting out.
36:56Say it so the whole world can hear it, dude!
36:58That's what I'm talking about acting gay, man.
36:59Ow!
37:00All right, here's a pretty good Japanese knockoff.
37:03Yo, hook him up, man.
37:04All right.
37:10Yo, man.
37:11Yo, yo, you suck, man.
37:12He sucks!
37:13He sucks, right?
37:14Doesn't he suck?
37:15Listen!
37:16I remember the first time you came in here and tried to play Smoke on the Water.
37:19Talk about suck!
37:20Hey, shut up, bitch!
37:22All right, look.
37:23Are we gonna talk or are we gonna rock?
37:25Let's rock, man.
37:26Go, man.
37:27Come on!
37:28All right.
37:29You're grooving out.
37:30You're grooving.
37:31You're grooving.
37:32Grooving, man.
37:33Grooving.
37:34That's too much groove, man.
37:35Just ride the lightning.
37:36Ride the lightning.
37:37Ride it.
37:38Ride it.
37:39Check your paddle.
37:40Check your paddle.
37:41That's it.
37:42Yo, man!
37:43Groopy, man!
37:44Okay, she beg?
37:45Ma!
37:46Go security!
37:47Go security!
37:48That was cool, man!
37:49Groopy's?
37:50That's the price of fame, man.
37:51I would say, man.
37:52Dealing with Groopy's is like the...
37:53Hey, hey.
37:54What do you want this stuff?
37:55Oh, yeah.
37:56Just that in the back, man.
37:57Oh, awesome, man.
37:58Flying Vs.
37:59Custom-made, man.
38:00Like everything in here.
38:01Custom-made.
38:02That's cool.
38:03Yeah.
38:04Yo.
38:05Yo, is that Joe Walsh?
38:06Yeah.
38:07Comes in here all the time.
38:08Check it out.
38:09Eagles rule!
38:11Hey, uh, what's up, Joe?
38:13Just got that in.
38:14Yeah, it's a beaut.
38:15Yeah.
38:16Yeah, I just need a couple sets of guitar strings.
38:18The Dario's?
38:19Yeah, like the ones I use on Life's been good.
38:21Awesome, man.
38:22How are you doing?
38:23Yo, Joe, man.
38:24Joe!
38:25Joe!
38:26Rocky Mountain Way!
38:27Good camera!
38:28Thanks, guys.
38:29I appreciate it.
38:30Thank you, man.
38:31Huh.
38:32Hey, hey.
38:33Your cash is no good here, man.
38:34You sure?
38:35Yeah, I'm good.
38:36Thanks a lot.
38:37Hey, drop that!
38:38Way to beat, Joe!
38:39Way to beat, man!
38:40Joe, man!
38:41Yo, Joe!
38:42Would you mind playing a lick on mine?
38:44Sure.
38:45Sure.
38:46Thanks, man.
38:47You get my slide.
38:48Slide.
38:49Slide.
38:50You get my slide.
38:51Yeah, yeah.
38:52Fuck them up, man.
38:53Fuck them up, man.
38:54You bet you paid me a boop.
38:55That's sick, man.
38:56Look at me.
38:57You bet you got them up, man.
38:58You're just buying a lick on mine?
38:59Who's there?
39:00Thanks, man.
39:01You get my slide.
39:02Slide.
39:03Slide.
39:04You get my slide.
39:05Get the slide.
39:07Shame.
39:08Right now.
39:10Hold it.
39:11Hold it.
39:12Hold it.
39:13Hold it.
39:14Hold it.
39:15Hold it.
39:16Hold it.
39:17Hold it.
39:18Hold it.
39:19Hold it.
39:20Hold it.
39:21Hold it.
39:22Hold it.
39:23Oh, my God.
39:53Oh, my God.
40:23It's a compliment.
40:25Thanks, Tim.
40:29Unabomber, what have you got on your power book?
40:32Number one, shopping list.
40:35New hooded sweatshirt and glasses.
40:37Aviators are so 80s.
40:39Number two, buy more stamps.
40:41Number three, get that punk McVeigh's correct prison address.
40:46Number four, destroy this power book.
40:49It's technology.
40:51Power book.
40:53Everyone can use one.
40:55Even antisocial psychopaths.
40:57Hey, look, Nicole's diary.
41:19August 12th, 1986 is the day it happens.
41:25Goodbye, Nick Sullivan.
41:26Hello, beautiful Nicole.
41:28I can hardly wait to start picking out dresses, doing my hair, perhaps a pixie cut.
41:33I wish they would hurry up and put me under and cut off this annoying penis.
41:36Wow.
41:36Oh, hi, thanks for tuning in.
41:38Good night, everyone.
41:39Yeah, hey, thanks to me.
41:41Bye-bye.
41:42This is the day after.
41:44I'm lying here in bed, flipping through the Italian vogue.
41:48Italians misspelled.
41:49It's like I've been born again.
41:51Look out, world.
41:52Here's a little girl in the candy store with a $50 bill.
41:55Did you put the hat on?
41:56What does that mean?
41:58Wednesday.
42:00I'm starting at a new high school today.
42:02Maybe I'll transfer back to my old one's senior year, see if anyone recognizes me.
42:07This is so exciting.
42:09My head is swimming from having gone to Nordstrom's this weekend.
42:12Who should I be?
42:13The studious schoolgirl with a streak of wicked mischief,
42:16or a sassy uptown diva who can still cry on a rainy day?
42:20Sassy.
42:21She's got too many of those crappy numbers.
42:23She's got studious, right?
42:25Hey, let's go see Brian's room.
42:27Okay.
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