- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 7
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01On the next MADtv...
00:03Magically Mad Witchcraft...
00:05When I say dinner should be on the table by six,
00:07I mean dinner should be on the table by six.
00:10Who do you think you are talking to?
00:13And Joe Rogan is buttering up Dixie.
00:15You know what? You're even more beautiful in person.
00:18Oh, Joe!
00:20There's no need to buy the cow when I'm giving away the milk for free.
00:24Next on MADtv...
00:26You are now watching MADtv.
00:30Okay, here comes... I got her in my sights here, Chief.
00:34I got her in my sights. Since she's loaded,
00:36and we got one, two, three, and...
00:38Hello, baby! Here we go!
00:40You are now watching...
00:42MAD!
00:44You are now watching...
00:46MAD!
00:53Hey there, lucky lady.
00:55Excuse me?
00:56The Price is Right. I seen you on The Price is Right a few weeks ago, right?
00:59You're the big winner.
01:00Oh, yeah! That's right! That's me! That's me!
01:01I bid correctly on a mini snooker table,
01:03and won an old-fashioned hot dog cart
01:05and a basement of Fort Taurus.
01:07Wow!
01:08Oh, and then I beat a navy midshipman on the big wheel spin
01:10for the showcase showdown,
01:11and I had to pass a bid on the first showcase,
01:13and it was something stupid like lawn furniture or something.
01:15Wow, that's amazing!
01:17All right!
01:19That's, uh, $5803. Cash or credit?
01:21Oh, oh, oh, credit, credit, credit.
01:23Go ahead.
01:24Okay.
01:29Oh, I'm sorry. Your card's been, uh, declined.
01:32Oh, well...
01:33See, I only have $40 on me.
01:35Well, it's $5803. What do you want to put back, Clarice?
01:39Um...
01:40Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, um...
01:42What should I put back? The super sops?
01:43Yeah, sops.
01:44Super sops.
01:45Okay, super sops.
01:48Johnny, price check on super sops.
01:50Super sops, $225.
01:54$55.78.
01:55Oh, okay! What else should I put back? What else should I put back?
01:57Uh, the mustard. The king mustard. It's big. The king mustard.
02:00Okay, king mustard! King mustard! King mustard!
02:02Johnny, king mustard price check.
02:04King mustard, 20-ounce jars.
02:06Spice up any sandwich, salad or casserole.
02:08Family-sized economy jar for $8.59.
02:11Okay, all right!
02:1246-19!
02:13Oh, got 7-19! Look, what else should I put back?
02:15Oh, yeah, what ainty need.
02:16Bonsai Brew, Bonsai Brew!
02:18Five seconds please!
02:19Bonsai Brew, yes!
02:21Johnny, do us all a favor and work your magic.
02:25Bonsai Brew. Bomb party doldrums with a brew that will make you say outside.
02:31White mouth model for $7.49.
02:32$39.70, you win.
02:38Tell me what else you've won, Johnny.
02:40You've won three bags of groceries.
02:42Produce, canned goods, frozen dinners, and a prescription from our pharmacy for antidepressants.
02:45from our pharmacy for anti-fungal enlightenment.
02:47Plus change, 30 cents, one quarter and one nickel
02:50fit for use in parking doors, soda machines,
02:52and candy stores.
02:54I'm okay.
02:59Okay, are you ready to play our final round?
03:01Yes.
03:03Paper or plastic?
03:04Plastic, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper.
03:15Come on, come on, yeah, yeah, uh, come on, come on.
03:26Hey, uh, come on, yeah, yeah, uh, come on, come on.
03:31Hey, hey, you're so crazy.
03:40Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
03:53You're so crazy.
03:56You brought me back.
03:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
04:05You are now watching Mad TV.
04:14You are now watching Mad TV.
04:16Hey everybody and welcome to Mad TV.
04:20Please join me right now in welcoming our special guest host for tonight from news radio, Mr. Joe Rogan.
04:35Hey, what's going on? How you doing?
04:40Welcome to the Mad TV. Happy Thanksgiving Day show.
04:44We like to call it the happy stay home with your relatives that you can't stand,
04:48stuff your fat face to your blog like a lumpy piece of...
04:52Get drunk, laps into a coma on the couch and wind up with gas and stinks so bad it kills one of your stupid kids.
04:59Daddy.
05:05So happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Enjoy the f***ing show and pass the cranberries, kids.
05:12Yeah, right. Go Rogan.
05:22Outstanding.
05:23Outstanding.
05:25Rawr, rawr, rawr.
05:27Outstanding.
05:31You are now watching Mad TV.
05:35Yes, Mother. I know he's a mortal, but I love him.
05:52Well, yes, he has forbidden me to use my powers, but don't worry.
05:56I can handle this mortal without having to resort to bitchcraft.
05:59Oh, Darren's home. Talk to you later.
06:02Samantha, I'm home.
06:04Bye, darling. How was your day?
06:05Um, you don't want to know. What's for dinner?
06:08Well, I'm sorry, Darren, but Uncle Arthur came over with his life partner today and, well, I forgot to make dinner.
06:16Sam, how many times do I have to tell you the Tates are coming over tonight with our new client?
06:21When I say dinner should be on the table by six, I mean dinner should be on the table by six.
06:25Who do you think you are talking to? Oh, you're so hungry. If you are so hungry, why don't you fix your own damn dinner?
06:35Now, calm down, honey. You promised no bitchcraft. I need to make a good impression tonight.
06:39Oh, you. You need. You need. What about my needs?
06:43Sam, please. You're acting just like...
06:45Ah, don't you say. Don't you dare use that word. You knew what you were getting when you married me.
06:53I'll get it.
06:56Larry, Louise, how nice to see you.
06:59Sam, you look great. I honestly don't know how you knew it.
07:02Well, thank you, Louise. And this must be your new client.
07:05Sam, Darren, allow me to introduce Mr. Olsen from Olsen Pharmaceuticals.
07:09Mr. Olsen, how nice. I'm a big fan of your birth control pills.
07:12Nice place you got here, Steven. We're not paying you too much, are we?
07:16Oh, goodness no, Mr. Olsen. Here, come sit, everyone. Would you all like a martini?
07:20Sounds great.
07:21I'd love one, Sam. Let me help you.
07:23Thanks, Louise. We'll be right back, boys.
07:26So, I hope you liked our ideas for your new campaign, Mr. Olsen.
07:29Mr. Olsen.
07:30Mr. Olsen, Darren is a genius. He's pure genius.
07:32I hated it.
07:33Did I say genius? I meant retarded. He's profoundly retarded.
07:37Well, here we are.
07:39It's about time you got back with those drinks.
07:44Here, Mr. Olsen, have one.
07:46Oh, shut up, you uptight alcoholic.
07:52Larry, can I talk to you for a minute?
07:54I am not a servant for you to be ordering around.
07:57Now, take the stick out your ass, and while you're at it, pucker up so you can kiss mine.
08:04Well, I never...
08:06Sam, please.
08:08Now, you listen up, and you listen good.
08:11You either drop the attitude, or I'm gonna give you a good reason to take some of those painkillers you push.
08:18That's it. I'm leaving, and you can kiss the Olsen pharmaceuticals account goodbye.
08:23No, Mr. Olsen, I can explain.
08:26Yes, Mr. Olsen, he can explain. Start explaining.
08:30I can explain.
08:32You see, Mr. Olsen, Larry and Darren were just showing you your new spokesperson for Olsen Pharmaceuticals.
08:37We were? I mean, we were.
08:39Yes, after all, aren't your biggest customers housewives who are addicted to your sedative Qualax?
08:44We prefer the word dependent, but please go on, go on.
08:48Well, I was doing the character for your new television campaign.
08:52It's a harried housewife who needs to relax, and the slogan is Qualax.
08:57It's tranquilicious.
08:59Well, I hate it.
09:00I love it.
09:01I love it, yes.
09:03Now, Mr. Olsen will take care of the paperwork, and Darren and I will come into your office first thing in the morning.
09:07That's fine, Tate, fine.
09:08Good work, Stevens.
09:09Fine work.
09:10Larry, can I talk to you?
09:11What a bitch!
09:12What a bitch!
09:13Good night, Mr. Olsen, and thanks.
09:15Good night.
09:20Well, you did it again, honey.
09:22How did I get to be so lucky?
09:24You just did what every man wishes he could do.
09:27You married a bitch.
09:29Did I ever.
09:37Oh my gosh, good night!
09:43I'm done.
09:45I've gone a boy...
09:53Bee-ching!
09:58Oh!
10:00Yuck!
10:03Let's go!
10:33Oh
11:03I'm going to draw just what I think is an artist's sketch of the outfit that I want
11:28to wear on the show next week. And let's go see in the room if we have something like that.
11:34Welcome! This is Cabana Chat and this...
12:00Ah! It's Dixie Wetsworth. You like? I like.
12:07Now give it up for the original Caribbean Queen, Dexter St. Croix!
12:13Hello, Dexter!
12:15Hi, Miss Dixie. And may I say, girl, you are wearing those pumps.
12:21Oh, you like them? There's a story. I go into my favorite boutique and it's love at first sight.
12:27But there's a problem. There's only one pair left and they're a size too small.
12:30Well, you'll never believe what I did next.
12:33You had them stretched?
12:34And ruined the leather? Are you kidding? I went to Mishima's and had my little toes removed.
12:42Miss Dixie, you're just incorrigible.
12:44Ah! Do us a favor and play in pool boys.
12:47Pooley, what happened? I cut my head.
13:01How did you cut your head? I went to a movie.
13:04How on earth did you cut your head in a movie?
13:07Easy. It was an action movie.
13:09Oh, dear. He's out there where the buses don't stop.
13:13Ah! Pooley, do us a favor. This light bulb is burned out. Be a doll and change it for me.
13:20Okay.
13:21Hey, Dixie, there's no lamp up here.
13:31I know. Ah! Pooley, get down.
13:36Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, I personally selected the guest for today's show.
13:41I ordered 175 pounds of prime U.S. beef and I did the inspecting.
13:47So, here he is, uncooked and still on the bone.
13:50Give a warm welcome to News Radio's Joe Rogan!
14:04Hello, Joe. Glad you could make it.
14:06Hey, glad to be here. I watch the show every week.
14:08And you know what? You're even more beautiful in person.
14:11Oh, Joe!
14:13There's no need to buy the cow when I'm giving away the milk for free.
14:19Hi, Joe Rogan from News Radio.
14:20What's up, poor boy?
14:21You know, the steel drums. My man, Dexter. What's going on?
14:24Oh, he knows me.
14:27Joe, I just want to play you like my pan flute.
14:32Dexter, are you still gonna want him
14:34after I've squeezed all the toothpaste out of his tube?
14:37Well, Miss Dixon, you usually leave a little at the bottom.
14:40Oh, touche, my midnight moor!
14:44Now, Joseph, on News Radio you play an electrician.
14:48Did you bring all your tools? Please say yes.
14:52Brought the only tool I'm gonna need for this job.
14:54Ah!
14:57Well, I could talk about your equipment all night, but the show must go on.
15:02Now, I hear when you're not busy blowing women's fuses,
15:05you're something of a comedic raconteur.
15:08Do you do any impressions?
15:09I do one.
15:11This is Julia Child having sex with a raccoon.
15:13Ready?
15:14Oh.
15:15Nice and lovely, lovely and lovely, lovely different friends.
15:20Oh.
15:21Oh.
15:22Oh.
15:26Oh.
15:28Oh.
15:30Oh.
15:31Oh.
15:33I can't believe I'm not butter.
15:46Hey, Joe Rogan from News Radio, I have a question for you.
15:50Okay, like if you come across a dead body
15:52and then you call the police and they tell you not to touch anything,
15:55does it count if you put a hat on the guy?
16:00Don't mind, Pooley.
16:01He's like a bullet train.
16:03It's a great ride, but everyone seems to be speaking Japanese.
16:10Dexter!
16:11Your hi-hat's sounding a little low.
16:13Why so sad, my proud chocolate eclair?
16:17I don't know, Miss Dixie.
16:18I just have all these pent-up emotions and I want to let them out.
16:22For God's sakes, Dexter, don't fight it. Let it out.
16:28Maestro!
16:28I don't like big muscles
16:31and I don't like your shoes.
16:33But no, you've got a cute butt.
16:35Girl, I'm telling you.
16:36Now, I don't watch TV, so I don't know your show.
16:40But when you turn around, girl, you're good to go.
16:44Because you've got a cute butt.
16:46Oh, don't you...
16:48Dexter, I'd hug you, but I might pop the stitches.
16:57And on that note, that's all the time we have for Cabana Chat.
17:02I want to thank Joe Rogan for being our wickedly handsome guest.
17:05Well, wait, Dixie, I thought you were going to show me your scar tissue collection.
17:09Joseph, let me explain something to you.
17:11When the show's over, the lights go down.
17:12And when the lights go down, I throttle you like a moped.
17:16Oh!
17:18Miss Dixie, you are just spicy like chili.
17:21Well, that's our show.
17:22Thanks for joining us.
17:24This has been Cabana Chat, and this is Dixie Wetsworth.
17:30Home or I dance!
17:48How are you doing, Fresno?
17:54The Hollywood Raisins.
18:08They were loved, idolized, worshipped by millions of adoring fans.
18:12But then suddenly, it was all gone.
18:15And these four seemingly fun-loving musicians
18:18would come to be known as the worst serial killers in raisin history.
18:22Worse than Charles Manson Maid and his satanic bunch.
18:26Worse than clown killer John Wayne Grapey.
18:29Worse even than New York's David Grapewitz, the son of Jan.
18:34Why did the sweet life of the Hollywood Raisins go so sour?
18:37We find out tonight on Investigative Raisin Reports.
18:44Hello, I'm Bill Kurt.
18:45It's hard to imagine that a story of fame, fortune, and mass murder
18:49all started with a struggling raisin skiffle group in Fresno called the Wrinklemen.
18:54Their soulful harmonies and hip moves rocketed them
18:57to the top of the Raisin Board Hot 100.
18:59And soon, everyone knew them as the Hollywood Raisins.
19:02There was Captain Chewie, Sunshine, Mort, and Dexter, the drummer.
19:09In truth, they had sold their souls to Hellogs, the country's largest human cereal company,
19:14in order to popularize the mass eating of raisins.
19:17The Hollywood Raisins were guaranteed survival
19:19while signing the death warrant of trillions of their raisin brothers,
19:23two giant scoops at a time.
19:26In the meantime, the Hollywood Raisins lived the sun-baked sweet life,
19:29sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
19:32Come on here, Mort. The sugar's finally grainy, lady.
19:35I'm thoroughly sweet.
19:36The Hollywood Raisins party lasted for two years,
19:40until the day of reckoning finally came.
19:42All right, there's a raisin!
19:44Take him out of his hand!
19:46Can't do this! We got a contract with a man!
19:49What followed was the raisin trial of the century.
19:52Mr. Mort, do you expect this court to believe
19:55that you didn't know what was going to happen
19:56to your fellow raisins in the audience?
19:59Well, um, uh...
20:03It's not how it looks, you know, is it...
20:05Do you have anything to say?
20:07With Sari?
20:08He's sorry!
20:09I'm glad I can't see you all of this doing that!
20:11Sari doesn't bring back the estimated 20 bazillion raisins
20:14eaten because of you and your cohorts!
20:17We were just following orders.
20:19Yes, orders.
20:20Orders that resulted in wholesale slaughter.
20:22Indeed, raisin genocide that few could even imagine.
20:26Honey, I know that you make mighty good wine, baby.
20:40Salon, sonny!
20:42Brother!
20:44Get back in there!
20:45No!
20:47The cries of these innocents did not go unheard forever
20:50as justice finally caught up with the Hollywood results.
20:54For condemning your brothers to a fiber-rich, milky grave
20:57with orange juice to make it a complete breakfast,
21:00I sentence you to death.
21:02The house is dead!
21:06It was ironic that raisins,
21:08a symbol for all that is pure and natural in the world,
21:11could turn so bad.
21:14I'm Bill Currant.
21:15Join us next time when we examine the cross-country crime spree
21:19of Puppin' Fresh and the Hamburger Helper Oven Mitt
21:21on Investigative Raisin Reports.
21:36Coming up on MADtv,
21:37are you excited to be the first contestant on Trick Question?
21:40I feel like I did the first time I met you.
21:43Really?
21:44He said, hey, my name is Sheba and I'm an alcoholic.
21:48Am I gonna need a quarter from my love machine?
21:53That's what I like to hear.
21:55MADtv!
21:55Bill Martin Enterprises, in conjunction with Bill Martin Productions,
22:19is proud to present the premiere episode of Trick Question,
22:23the exciting new game show that's destined to make TV history.
22:27And now, here's your host, me, Bill Martin.
22:33Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of Trick Question.
22:37You know, ever since I was a kid, I've loved trick questions.
22:41But nobody believed in my idea of incorporating them into a game show,
22:44so finally I just said, heck, I'll do it myself, and here we are!
22:49Let's meet our contestants.
22:51From Al's Auto Repair Shop in Campbell, Michigan, Mr. David Strong.
22:56So, Dave, are you excited to be the first contestant on Trick Question?
23:00I'm falling out of my pants, Bill.
23:04That's what I like to hear.
23:05And his opponent, a mother of one from Montego Bay, Mrs. Lisa Boudreau.
23:12So, Lisa, you're a hairstylist, is that correct?
23:14Oh, that's right, Bill. For ten years now?
23:16Don't suppose you get a lot of trick questions in the old hair salon, now, do you?
23:19No, it's not the daily thing.
23:21That's what I thought.
23:22So, don't feel bad if you miss them all,
23:24because I think I've come up with a pretty difficult game show here.
23:27That's why, for any correct answer, you will receive $50,000 in cash.
23:36Thank you, Sherry.
23:39Okay, let's get started.
23:40Our first question, and, careful now, remember, it's a trick question.
23:46You walk into a cabin, you only have one match.
23:49There's a wood stove, an oil lamp, and a candle.
23:54What do you light first?
23:56The match.
23:57Oh, I'm...
23:57Wait, did you say the match?
24:00Yeah.
24:01Match is correct.
24:05You got that, Bill. The first one.
24:08I thought that was pretty hard.
24:08And what are you, a college professor or something?
24:10Well, congratulations, because you just won $50,000 in cash.
24:17Thank you, Sherry.
24:19All right, our next trick question.
24:22An airplane crashes directly on the border of the United States and Mexico.
24:26Where do you bury the survivors?
24:29You don't bury survivors.
24:32That is also correct.
24:34There goes another $50,000.
24:38Lo de moze.
24:39Okay.
24:41Oh, my God.
24:42No big deal, no big deal, because now we get to the really tricky trick questions.
24:47Okay.
24:49Hands on buzzers, please.
24:51What is heavier, a ton of feathers or a ton of gold?
24:56Oh, they're both the same.
25:00They're both the same.
25:02Whoa.
25:03All right.
25:03Are you sure you want to go with that?
25:05Yes.
25:06Don't want to say gold?
25:06No, thanks.
25:07You sure?
25:08Yes.
25:09Final chance.
25:10I don't want to change.
25:12Did you hear me say gold?
25:14Yes, Bill.
25:15But gold is so heavy.
25:17It's obvious.
25:17A ton is a ton.
25:18Yeah, but gold, I mean...
25:20All right, congratulations, Lisa.
25:23You've just doubled your score to $100,000 in cash.
25:28All right, when we return, it'll be time for the lightning round,
25:31where our contestants will be playing for a bucket full of diamonds.
25:35Here on the first episode of Trick Question.
25:59So, Sheba, baby, you're saying the only reason you slept with Joe Dawn was to keep warm?
26:04That's right, Rooster, baby.
26:05The only pleasure I got from that act was the pleasure of heat.
26:11Baby, I ain't going to lie to you and tell you I don't wish you'd just ask for a sweater instead,
26:14but I am glad to know the true story.
26:17No, it was just a warm thing.
26:18It wasn't about little Rooster Jr. or nothing.
26:21Oh, yes, no, no.
26:22I just wish you hadn't gone and broke Joe Dawn's jaw.
26:25I mistakenly thought he had it coming, that's all.
26:27Oh, baby, you are all man.
26:29You know something, baby?
26:31I feel like I did the first time I met you.
26:32Really?
26:33Heck, yeah, I remember what you said.
26:35Tell me.
26:35You said, hey, my name is Sheba and I'm an alcoholic.
26:38Oh.
26:40I thought I had an angel talk.
26:41Baby, you're my Romeo.
26:43You're my share.
26:44So you believe me?
26:45Heck, yeah, I believe you, baby.
26:46I mean, you were cold.
26:47You had to get warm.
26:48You did what you had to do.
26:48Oh, baby, you are so understanding.
26:51Oh, heck, baby, I've been over to Joe Dawn's.
26:52I know for a fact he keeps that air conditioner tuned up way too high.
26:55Add to the fact that you were naked, baby, you must have been freezing.
26:57I was, I was.
26:59I just kept thinking to myself, must get warm.
27:03Must get warm.
27:05Oh, baby, I'll tell you something.
27:06If I was over at Joe Dawn's and I was naked, I probably would have slept with him too.
27:09Sure you would.
27:10Oh, yeah, your survival instincts just got to kick in.
27:12Oh, baby, you rocked my world.
27:13Oh, baby, you lighted my life.
27:18Baby, there is one other thing I just got to know.
27:21Dang it, you don't believe me.
27:22I do believe you, baby.
27:24It's just that I can't figure out what you were doing naked in the first place.
27:29Oh.
27:31Is that all?
27:32Yeah, it's all.
27:33I mean, I know there's a good reason.
27:34I just can't think of it right now.
27:36Well, sure, if you can't think of it, I guess I'm going to tell you then, right?
27:40The only reason why I was naked over at Joe Dawn's house was to shave your life.
27:48What?
27:50That's right.
27:51If I hadn't taken off all my clothes, you'd be a dead man today.
27:55I knew it.
27:56I knew it had to be something like this.
27:58I think it was about time old Joe Dawn had another long talk with Mr. Punch.
28:02Oh, baby, baby, no, no, no, no, no.
28:04It was not Joe Dawn's fault.
28:06It was the government.
28:13What?
28:14That's right.
28:16It was that Bill Clinton.
28:19There, I said it.
28:20I knew it.
28:24I told you something like this would happen every time I seen him.
28:26He's staring out at that TV looking straight at you.
28:28Got his old Bill Clinton eyes on my little sheet.
28:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:31They think just because they're big, hot shot politicians, they can just march into someone's
28:35house, make a girl take off all her clothes so that she's cold and has to sleep with her
28:39boyfriend's best friend just to stay warm.
28:42Man, I knew about this kind of thing happening all the time.
28:45He never expected it to happen to you, though.
28:48You know something, baby?
28:49I feel like the luckiest man alive.
28:51You know something else?
28:52I'm going over there and I'm going to apologize to Joe Dawn.
28:55Oh, baby, you are all hurt.
28:57You know something else, baby?
29:00When I get back, you and me, we're going to have us a close encounter of the humping and
29:04bumping kind.
29:05Baby, am I going to need a quarter from my love machine?
29:10Uh-oh, baby rides for free!
29:12Come on!
29:15I'll be back in two shakes of a rat's ass, baby!
29:18I'll be right here for you, sugar!
29:22Hey, baby!
29:23Yeah?
29:23Where's the car?
29:25Oh, shoot.
29:27I ran out of gas over at the Lucky Star Motel.
29:30Well, I was hot then and I had to get cold again.
29:33Now, baby, you know they have the coldest showers in town.
29:37Baby, the Bill Clinton scared me!
29:41Oh, man.
29:41Don't care about it, funny winks.
29:43That's okay, man.
29:44It's crazy.
29:45It's all right.
29:45It's all right.
29:45It's all right.
29:47It's all right.
29:47It's all right.
29:55Arnie, this is not helping anyone.
29:57Please come back and do the show.
29:59Oh!
29:59The funny just doubled on this car.
30:03The funny just doubled on this car.
30:05Well, I'm not watching that TV.
30:13What, baby?
30:14You will be a comedy show.
30:19Oh, welcome back to Trick Question.
30:25Let's see where our contestants stand.
30:27Lisa, you've answered 36 questions for a grand total of $3.4 million of my money.
30:34Yes!
30:37David, you're bringing up the rear with only $2,900,000.
30:42Better pull up your socks if you hope to win.
30:45Yeah, I'm way behind socks.
30:49All right.
30:50Yeah!
30:50Our next question is...
30:54Ooh!
30:55Isn't that the buzzer for the triple bonus round?
30:58Oh, God.
31:00We're skipping the triple bonus round and going double or nothing.
31:03What do you mean double or nothing?
31:05My show, my rules.
31:06Are you in or not?
31:08Bring it on.
31:09Sure, let's go.
31:11Okay.
31:13Here we go.
31:17A rooster lays an egg on a tin roof.
31:18Which way does it roll, left or right?
31:21What, no buzzer?
31:22Is there finally one you can't get?
31:24Sorry, that's double or nothing.
31:26Now, we got the answer.
31:27Yeah, we just can't reach the buzzer's true all this morning.
31:33Oh, forget it.
31:35Why don't you just say it?
31:36Go ahead.
31:37Roosters don't let eggs.
31:38Oh, all right.
31:39Fine, fine.
31:40You both win.
31:41That's it.
31:41Take it all.
31:43I don't care.
31:44Who cares?
31:44Lord, who?
31:45Oh, here.
31:46No, forget my wallet.
31:47There's probably a couple of bucks left in it.
31:48Why don't you take my jacket, too?
31:52I'm sure that's worth something, you bastards.
31:55Don't forget my contact lenses.
31:57Maybe my eyeballs.
31:58I'm sure there worth something on the streets of Brazil.
32:00Take it all.
32:01Take it all.
32:02Take it all.
32:02Hey there, Ray.
32:21What do you hear?
32:21What do you say, huh?
32:22Hey, Tino.
32:23What are you doing here?
32:23I'm collecting for the March of Dimes.
32:25What am I doing here?
32:26Oh, here.
32:26Let me check my locker.
32:27Nah, it's a joke, you jerk.
32:29Come on.
32:30I came to see how my boy's doing before the big fight, huh?
32:32Thanks, Tino.
32:33You know, I got to thank you, because it wasn't for you.
32:35I would have never got this far.
32:36I really owe you one.
32:37Yeah, well, it's funny you should say that, Ski Zix, because as a matter of fact, there
32:40is something you could do for me.
32:41Oh, name it.
32:42How do you feel about the fight tonight, Ray?
32:43I feel good, Tino.
32:44I feel hot.
32:45I'm going to lay this kid out in the first.
32:46Yeah, well, I see him laying you out in the third.
32:48No, no, no, no, no.
32:49I'm laying him out in the first.
32:50Nah, I don't see you laying him out in the first.
32:53What do you see?
32:54I see you taking it on the chin in the third.
32:55Lights out.
32:58You can see the future?
33:00Yeah, I see a future where if you don't go down in the third, something horrible is
33:03going to happen to your sweet wife.
33:04You get me?
33:05My Linda, what's going to happen?
33:07Use your amazing power to tell me.
33:09Look, kid, it's simple.
33:10I'm just telling you I bet about 50 Gs on the fact that you're going down in the third.
33:13Oh, Holdie, you're using your fantastic gift to make money?
33:19Watch my lips, you punch-drunk-talking monkey.
33:21I don't have a fantastic gift.
33:23I'm threatening you.
33:24Oh, you're using your amazing powers for evil.
33:27Oh, what a mamalook you are.
33:28Will you cut the chit-chat and take the dive?
33:31But what about Linda?
33:32You said that you saw through the mist of time that if I don't go down, something horrible
33:35is going to happen to her.
33:36Mist of time?
33:37When the hell did I say that?
33:38Listen, Tino, you've got to send Bert over there to protect Linda from whatever this thing
33:42is.
33:42Yeah, I'll send Bert.
33:43Bert will be the one who does the horrible thing to your wife.
33:45Bert?
33:46Well, then don't send Bert.
33:48Send somebody to protect her from Bert.
33:51You know, hold on.
33:51I'll take care of Bert myself.
33:53Hey, hey, hey, come on.
33:54Bert don't know nothing about this yet.
33:56You mean Bert's going to do something horrible to Linda, but he don't know about it yet?
33:59Bert ain't going to do nothing until I tell him to.
34:03So something you say sets him off?
34:04Yeah, but I won't say nothing if you go down in the third.
34:07Let me get this straight.
34:11If I don't go down in the third, that's going to make you blurt out something that somehow
34:15sets off Bert and then he hurts Linda.
34:17Yes, Einstein.
34:19Basically, that's what I have foreseen.
34:22Well, it still seems to me like the problem is this walking time bomb, Bert.
34:26Uh-huh.
34:27We can't worry about that right now.
34:28We've got to worry about change in the future.
34:30Nah, I can't worry about that.
34:31I've got an idea.
34:33I could pretend to lose in the third.
34:35I could fake it.
34:37Hey, kid, that's brilliant.
34:40Will that work?
34:41Use your amazing powers.
34:42Uh, let me see.
34:43Uh, yes, if you fake losing in the third, nothing will happen to your beautiful wife.
34:48Ha-ha!
34:50No, well, then I'll do it.
34:52I won't know what hit me.
34:54Okay, so we're crystal clear on this now, right?
34:57Yeah, I know, Tino.
34:57I've got to thank you for warning me, because you didn't have to tell me about this.
35:00I appreciate it.
35:01Hey, don't worry about it.
35:01When you have an amazing gift like I do, you know, I'll see you later.
35:05I've got to go.
35:06Uh, good luck in the third, all right?
35:08You mean bad luck, right?
35:09Right, bad luck.
35:11Okay, kid chumperific.
35:12Be good.
35:13I'm going to practice.
35:14Take care of yourself.
35:28I'm going to practice.
35:32Go away, stick.
35:44Uncle Leo, you're so bad!
36:03It's Thanksgiving! We got both our families out there. Let's just try and make it as nice as we can.
36:22Well, maybe you should have thought about that this morning.
36:26I said I was sorry!
36:29Yeah, well, guess what? Sorry, don't cut it, lady.
36:33Hello. Hey, guys. Everybody here already?
36:36Yeah, they're here.
36:38All right. Great.
36:40Mmm! Smells good!
36:42Yum, yum.
36:44What's going on?
36:46Nothing.
36:47You guys in a fight or something?
36:50Everything's fine, son.
36:54What is going on here? Mom?
36:57Go ahead. Tell your son what you did.
37:00Why don't you? You're so anxious to tell somebody.
37:03All right, I will.
37:06But you better sit down, son, because this is a biggie.
37:09A real biggie.
37:13Son.
37:17This morning, I came home from my power walk, and I...
37:25Don't! Just get on with it!
37:28Ready to help your mother stuff the turkey.
37:31When there she was, with the geyser falls guy, and the two of them were...
37:36That Aquaman who delivers the water!
37:44Mom and the water guy?
37:46Mark, it was a little mistake.
37:48A little mistake.
37:49Is that what you swingers are calling these days?
37:54Need salt.
37:56You mean that they were actually...
37:57Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were. They were.
37:59Undulating like there was no tomorrow.
38:01Oh, Joel, now you're just being gross!
38:07Mashed potatoes!
38:11Oh, Mark, what was I thinking?
38:15What was he thinking?
38:18Oh, no!
38:19You're the troublemaker, Aunt Shirley.
38:21You're the one, you're the...
38:22This is not happening. This isn't happening.
38:27Yeah, I'm eating all that dark rum cake.
38:30Look, if you wanna blame somebody, blame your mother.
38:32It was her recipe.
38:34How dare you bring my dead mother into this sordid world of yours?
38:40Butter.
38:45God!
38:48What have I done?
38:51Carrots!
38:57I'm gonna need you to get me through this time, little buddy.
39:04That's what I get for marrying such a sensitive and provocative woman.
39:10You're all deficient!
39:15Bird's done.
39:20Okay, look, Mom, Dad, listen, I realize that terrible things happen here, but there's gotta be a way we can get through this.
39:25Yeah.
39:26Well, it's not that easy, Mark.
39:27Knowing another mule's been kicking in your stall.
39:29Sure.
39:31I kept my oven mitts on the whole time.
39:34Ah!
39:36Burn these and throw the ashes off the edge of the world!
39:39Oh, but you didn't rip!
39:40So I tried a new partner.
39:42Big, hairy deal.
39:43It's the 90s!
39:45God, Mom, you sound like a slut!
39:47Ah!
39:48Don't you dare call your mother that!
39:50What the fuck?
39:52Get him!
39:53Don't get him!
39:54Get him!
39:55Ow!
39:56You said Mom did it with the water guy!
39:57Have you lost your marbles mouth, Linda?
39:58Ow, Mom!
39:59Do you think I'd actually let another man see my hoo-hoo?
40:01Connie, please!
40:03I caught your mother and the water guy jazzercising together.
40:08Jazzercising?
40:09That is what this is about?
40:11You guys are nuts, you know?
40:12You're nuts!
40:13I'm going to eat!
40:14Unbelievable!
40:15Unbelievable!
40:17Alright.
40:18Okay, okay, okay.
40:20You know, I never thought I'd hear myself say this.
40:35You know, I never thought I'd hear myself say this.
40:38this. You know what? Hug sandwich. I'm the meat. Come on. Mom, I'm the meat. Are we okay now? Yeah?
40:53We okay? Okay, fine. Now we can eat, right? Boys, right. What's past is past. Clean slate.
41:04We're starting from scratch. I'm proud of you, Joel. Well, after all, it is turkey time.
41:13Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble!
41:34Hey, everybody. Thank you. Thanks for watching MADtv. Thank you, everybody. I had a lot of fun. Tune in next week. I won't be here, but I'm sure somebody else will be. Have a good time. Take it easy. Have a good life. Eat your vegetables.
41:56All right. You strip, you strip. You keep the bread on. You get happy to be here. Come on, come on.
42:20Alright, you strip, you strip, you keep your clothes on.
42:23You get happy with that.
42:24Come on, come on.
42:29Take your clothes off, you bitch.
42:35Good job.
42:39Whoo!
42:41Keep it up.
42:44Nice!
42:50Good job.
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