- 16 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 15
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
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01:21Thank you, Spishak.
01:22Thank you, Spishak.
01:52Thank you, Spishak.
01:54Thank you, Spishak.
02:22Welcome to Mad TV, folks.
02:35We hope you enjoy this bit of fine late-night programming.
02:39Okay, all right.
02:40You know, while we have one of those rare lulls in the show, I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about the destruction of the rainforest.
02:46No, no, no, do applause.
02:51Let's go to commercial.
02:52Good morning, Senator.
03:04I'm Leo Squid.
03:05Thank you very, very much for taking time out of your very busy schedule to see me, sir.
03:08That's my pleasure, Mr. Squid.
03:10You have a seat right there and tell me a little bit about your art.
03:13Well, I do ink blots, and generally they are very random.
03:17But mine, sir, are very specific.
03:20Oh, ink blots.
03:21That's interesting.
03:21People are conditioned to free associate with ink blots.
03:25And by comparing what people see to what I actually painted, I gain understanding about how that person views art.
03:32What do you call this thing here?
03:34That's one of my earlier works.
03:35I call that fluffy butterscotch swing set.
03:37Mr. Squid, I find it most perplexing that you would include such a graphic depiction of pedophilia in a grant application.
03:50Fascinating.
03:50You really think it's pedophilic?
03:52Of course it is.
03:53It's as plain as day.
03:54Here's the smooth young boy, and there's the old corrupt pervert about to seduce him.
04:00Fascinating.
04:01Do you see, Senator?
04:02This is the beauty of ink blot.
04:04Perception.
04:06What's this called?
04:07I call that one sunscape.
04:09Really?
04:10I thought it might be called naked sexy boys or young boy succumbs.
04:15That's what you see, Senator.
04:16What I see is a calm sunset over a tranquil meadow.
04:20Hey, don't you hand me any of that artsy-fartsy psychobabble.
04:23This pornography is full of cavorting young naked boys.
04:27You see whatever you want to see.
04:30And why would I want to see naked boys?
04:32You tell me.
04:35Oh, now this one's just plain sick.
04:37That one's called Puppies, Puppies, and More Puppies.
04:40Well, why don't you call it what it is?
04:42Naked boys, naked boys, and more sweaty, glistening naked boys.
04:47Senator, why don't we just put the ink blots aside for a moment?
04:50I also happen to be a classically trained artist.
04:52And I think you would definitely appreciate some of my more traditional work.
04:56Eh?
04:58Oh, my God.
05:01What in Sam Hill do you call this?
05:03Naked boy parade?
05:05Senator, it's a landscape.
05:07Where do you see naked boys?
05:09Where don't I see naked boys?
05:11Here.
05:11Behind the tree, there's a naked boy.
05:13In fact, the whole tree's a naked boy.
05:15My God, if I didn't know better, I'd say the whole thing's one big naked boy.
05:18I do not paint naked boys.
05:20Well, all I see is naked boys.
05:23And what I see, America sees.
05:25And I will not have this country looking at sexy, smooth, luscious, young, naked boys,
05:30at least not in publicly funded museums, Mr. Squid.
05:34Don't you think you're overreacting, Senator Hodgkins?
05:37I am not a pedophile!
05:44But you, sir, are a degenerate.
05:47And this committee does not dole out money to perverts.
05:50We are here to support the arts.
05:52And I do not believe you even know what art is.
05:54Well, I think I do know what art is.
05:56Oh, no, you don't.
05:58Looky here.
06:00I'll show you what art is.
06:02This.
06:02This is a buster Elvis Presley.
06:04Made out of spent shotgun shells and cigarette butts.
06:08Now, that's, uh, that is art.
06:10Not these centerfolds you're trying to pass off as paintings.
06:13Now, I suggest you get out of my office.
06:15I would be more than happy to.
06:16Oh, hold it.
06:17I'm going to confiscate these.
06:20So I'm going to need them later for a little master bait.
06:23A ma-
06:23A ma-
06:25A ma-
06:25A masterclass in art paint.
06:29Why don't you get out of here before I'm shot in the larynx?
06:33See you at the Guggenheim, Senator.
06:34Yeah, well, same to you, Commie.
06:44Layla, I'm going to need you to hold on my calls.
06:47I'm going to be in here doing a little research.
06:49Yeah, yeah.
07:19Lowered expectations.
07:24Are you desirably impaired?
07:26Do you find yourself serving punch at parties?
07:28Would you describe yourself as shy, old-fashioned, not on anyone's A-list?
07:32Is your ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality?
07:38Well, unless you win the lottery, you're never going to land that dreamboat.
07:42But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody.
07:45And that's why lowered expectations may be for you.
07:49Our video library is packed with thousands of chronically rejected singles, just like you.
07:55Rick, number 984.
07:57I'm Rick.
07:59That's all I need to say.
08:02As hard as it is to believe I'm single.
08:07Need I say more?
08:08All right, ladies, you got your free look, so call me.
08:13I don't even know why I'm here.
08:16All right, that's it.
08:18I don't need to say anything else.
08:19I'm going to be screening calls for days.
08:23For Rick, press pound 984.
08:26Lowered expectations.
08:27When you've been blown off by the rest, settle for what you can get.
08:30Come on, Shaquanna.
08:48Let's get it on, baby.
08:50Shh.
08:51Robert, you're going to wake up my mama, and you don't want to wake up my mama.
08:55Hey, baby, don't worry about that.
08:57My motor runs whisper quiet.
08:59All right.
09:00Robert, shh, Robert.
09:03Hey, what's going on down there?
09:05Who's that waking up dead?
09:06No.
09:08Shaquanna, don't make me come down there and break my foot off in your ass.
09:15Who's that?
09:17Robert.
09:17Robert, that's my white mama.
09:21That's right.
09:22The WB is proud to present the single most offensive show in the history of television.
09:27A white man driving, a stuff in his face.
09:31Then you hit a woman, no, but nothing great.
09:34The chance of living was so damn.
09:37Till her soul entered him.
09:41You can travel across the sea.
09:42From what?
09:43To Yokohama.
09:44But there's nothing in the world that compares to my white mama.
09:50Yeah.
09:53Don't make me break my foot off in your ass.
10:00What's your name?
10:01Robert, as in Bob, Bob Marley.
10:03You one of them lazy-ass pot-smoking Jamaicans.
10:06Shaquanna, I told you never to bring no convicts in my house.
10:09Now, hold on a minute.
10:10Shut up, rosterhead.
10:12Ain't no one asked you to speak.
10:13What's the matter, your crack sales slow down?
10:15Is that why you sitting here molesting my baby?
10:17Mama, Robert doesn't sell crack, and he's not molesting me.
10:20He goes to high school with me.
10:21You mean he goes to school high?
10:23Is that what you mean?
10:24Now, get your ass out of here, boy.
10:26Ain't you late for a drive-by?
10:27Robert.
10:30You shut up, girl.
10:31Now, go outside with the hose and blow the stank off you.
10:34Mama, why do you do this to me every time?
10:37Why you gotta ruin every one of my relationships?
10:39You're too young to have relationships, especially with an illegal alien from another country.
10:45Robert is from Chicago.
10:46Don't you talk back to your mama.
10:48Don't you do that.
10:49If I say he's an illegal alien, then he's an illegal alien.
10:52And all his illegal alien hands is good for is dealing and stealing.
10:56Now, you go to the store and get your mother some tuna fish and cheese.
10:59But mama, Robert makes me happy.
11:01He gonna make you pregnant?
11:02Why couldn't you fall in love with one of them smart oriental fellas who are good at math?
11:06Now, you go to the store before it closes and get me my tuna and cheese.
11:09And get me a carton of menthols.
11:11I love menthols.
11:14Mama, I'm telling you right now.
11:16I am not giving up Robert because he loves me and I love him.
11:22You love him?
11:24Mama, don't you tell me that lousy crip has stolen your virtue.
11:30He didn't have to steal it, mama.
11:33I gave it to him.
11:36Oh, oh, I'm dying.
11:39My own daughter's killing me.
11:40She's gonna kill her mama.
11:42And I am having his baby.
11:45Oh, oh, oh, sweet Lord, sweet Lord.
11:50My daughter's gonna give birth to the Antichrist.
11:52She's gonna give birth to a future death row inmate.
11:55I'm gonna die right here on this $7 couch that you know good father gave me before he left me.
11:59Mama, why are you always bugging?
12:01First of all, you know this couch is $600.
12:03And second of all, you know daddy gonna be home in an hour.
12:06Shut up, girl.
12:07I'm praying.
12:08Oh, Lord.
12:09All my dreams for her is shattered.
12:11She was gonna be a hair sweeper in a beauty salon.
12:14Mama, I'm not really pregnant.
12:17I just said it because you got me mad the way you treated Robert.
12:20Good.
12:21Then get me my tuna and cheese.
12:24Oh, baby.
12:25Mama.
12:27That's right.
12:29Tom Shale says That's My White Mama is the most shameful spectacle I've ever been witness to.
12:35The Wayans Brothers say that's the kind of TV program America needs more of.
12:40And Pat Buchanan says that's the kind of TV program America needs more of.
12:45That's My White Mama coming to the WB right after the Jews of Hazzard.
12:49Don't you make me break my foot off in your ass.
12:52Coming soon from 20th Century Fox.
13:14Hello?
13:24I'm Cornelia, and I'm in for murder.
13:28So, you're the new fish.
13:32Welcome to the prison sisterhood.
13:33Barbara Streisand presents Barbara Streisand in Terms of Imprisonment.
13:40A movie about women directed and written by a woman starring an all-woman cast.
13:47Whitney Huston as Ruby.
13:51And Drew Barrymore as Cornelia.
13:53Oh, you're vague.
13:57Well, hello, roommate.
14:00So, they found his burnt body handcuffed to the headboard of the bed.
14:04But I didn't do it.
14:05I mean, how could I be the fire starter?
14:08I was driving cross-country with my girlfriends.
14:10Yeah, right.
14:11Get real, sister.
14:13We're all innocent in this prison.
14:15What are you in for?
14:17Did you see her performance in Waiting to Exhale?
14:21What about you?
14:23Me?
14:24I lost a good friend.
14:25How?
14:26I had him killed.
14:29Also starring Roseanne as prison guard Ilsa Schickelgruber.
14:33Okay, love muffins.
14:35Cavity search.
14:38Search your cavities and stuff.
14:40Bend over, Babs.
14:42Wow, on a clear day, you can see forever.
14:49Hey, hello, dolly.
14:54Finally, a movie that celebrates the friendship that only women can have.
15:09Bitch, I'm gonna claw your nose off.
15:12If I can get my hand around it.
15:22Wait a second!
15:24What are we fighting for?
15:26We're sisters.
15:28You're right.
15:29Girl, we're every woman.
15:31Sister...
15:39My sister...
15:43How could I have hurt you?
15:48I'll never desert you.
15:51No more pain.
15:53You're sisters together again.
15:59And I...
16:04We'll never hurt you.
16:08I love you.
16:10A story of women behind bars, as only Barbara Streisand can tell it.
16:19All right, everybody out.
16:21Get back to yourselves.
16:25Except you.
16:27Barbara.
16:28Barbara, the governor has commuted your sentence to life
16:32on the grounds that you're too beautiful to execute.
16:36Ugh, again?
16:39I've never fallen in love with an inmate before.
16:43Soup's on!
16:44An emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions,
16:52torn from the joys and sorrows
16:54that define what it means to be a woman.
16:59Do you have any sixes?
17:02Go fish!
17:03Well, Cornelia,
17:13you're free to go.
17:16Turned out it wasn't your boyfriend that was burned.
17:18It was his identical twin brother that you didn't know about.
17:20He substituted his body
17:21so that he could run away to Alabama
17:22with your beautiful and much less slutty sister.
17:33But I don't want to go.
17:37Well, you can't stay here.
17:38You haven't done anything.
17:41No!
17:46You're right.
17:48Men are pigs.
17:53Did I hurt him?
17:55I should say so.
17:56He's dead.
17:57Oh, that's okay.
17:59Because I want to live out the rest of my days
18:01here with my sisters.
18:03What are you talking about?
18:05I'm dying of cancer.
18:08Me too.
18:09I have a head cold.
18:11Oh, no.
18:13Barbara.
18:15Does this help?
18:18Not really.
18:19Works for me.
18:20Hello.
18:21Roseanne.
18:23Drew.
18:24Whitney.
18:26Streisand.
18:33Terms of Imprisonment.
18:42Terms of Imprisonment.
18:42Rick, number 984.
18:57Rick, number 984.
19:00All right.
19:01Sorry to get any calls, ladies.
19:03What's up?
19:03If your boyfriend's by the phone,
19:05you'd want to be obvious.
19:06I mean, something must have been wrong.
19:07But the fact I'm available freaked you out.
19:10I mean, hey, check it out.
19:12You can file me under going fast.
19:14Whoa, ho, ho.
19:14Don't everybody rush to the phone at once.
19:16Somebody might get hurt.
19:18Seriously.
19:19I mean, you probably didn't have enough time
19:20to look at the number.
19:21I mean, these jerks here obviously
19:22didn't leave it up long enough.
19:25For 25 bucks, you expect some service, right?
19:26I mean, you've got to admit,
19:27that's pretty expensive.
19:29Don't worry about it.
19:30I'll make sure they put the number up earlier
19:32so you have lots of time.
19:34No excuses.
19:36For Rick, press down to 984.
19:39The Rick's Spectation.
20:00Coming up on MADtv.
20:27I want to speak about something
20:28that's very dear to me.
20:29I'm talking about alcohol.
20:32I'm David Jones,
20:34and I can teach you how to be a hoe.
20:36I need to stop it.
20:37I need to stop it.
20:39I teach you to pay rent rate.
20:40You son of a bitch!
20:42She's a freak!
20:42I'm a freak!
20:44Me!
20:45Me!
20:51The plaintiff, Randy Davies,
20:53claims the defendant was negligent
20:54in taking care of his dog, Shotzi.
20:56He's suing for $600.
20:58The defendant, Mark Linder,
21:01claims he took good care of Shotzi.
21:03It's the case of the delinquent dog sitter
21:05today on Small Claims Court.
21:08Okay, Mr. Davies,
21:09do you want to tell the court what happened?
21:11Your Honor,
21:11I had to go out of town,
21:12so I hired Mark to take care of my dog,
21:15and when I came home on the day in question,
21:18I found the back door wide open,
21:19and Post Shotzi landed the street with his leg broke,
21:22and I think he should have to pay the whole $600
21:24of the vet-Vetnan bill.
21:27Mr. Linder,
21:28do you want to give us your side of the story?
21:30Yes, Your Honor,
21:30I wasn't even home the day Shotzi got out.
21:32The evidence is all circumstantial.
21:33This isn't my fault.
21:34You tell him, Mark!
21:36Oh, did you hear him?
21:38Circumstantial, honey!
21:39Oh, hello, Stanford Law!
21:41Those speech therapy classes really paid off!
21:44Mr. Linder,
21:45who are these people?
21:46These are my parents,
21:47Your Honor.
21:47Joel and Connie Linder,
21:49Your Honor.
21:49You can just call us Joel and Connie.
21:51Yeah.
21:51And are we proud of this boy?
21:53Oh, hugs and rich!
21:55Who's the meat?
21:56Mark!
21:56Mark's the meat!
21:58Oh, no!
21:59Please!
22:00God damn it, I'm proud of you!
22:02I do!
22:03Judge, could I get a sidebar?
22:04Just like on the OJ show.
22:08Judge, I just want to apologize for my profanity.
22:11We watch you all the time.
22:13We like your style.
22:14Yeah, and in fact,
22:15Mark might have a bit of a crush on you, but I...
22:17Dad?
22:18Well, you do, Mark.
22:19I hope that doesn't bias you.
22:21Oh, look, Connie!
22:22A stenographer!
22:23Just like on the OJ show!
22:26Mrs. Linder, can you please?
22:27She's typing everything I'm saying.
22:30I.
22:30Can.
22:31Talk.
22:32Slow.
22:34Or really fast.
22:36She got it all!
22:37She's good!
22:38She's good!
22:39Mr. Linder, I know this is all very exciting for you,
22:41but can you please take your seat?
22:42You know, Judge,
22:43if you've got a sketch artist,
22:44he could do a caricature of us.
22:46Oh, yeah, like the ones we got in Atlantic City
22:48with the big sneakers.
22:49They can do us jazzercising.
22:51We love to jazzercise!
22:53Jazzercise!
22:55Jazzercise!
22:56Jazzercise!
22:57Mom, Dad, could you please be quiet?
23:00Hey, Mark, don't you make the judge mad.
23:02You want to end up in the big house
23:03and have other men touch your bottom?
23:06Mr. Linder,
23:07do you have any evidence that is relevant to the case?
23:09Yes.
23:10Yes, Your Honor,
23:11we do have evidence.
23:12Honey, get the files.
23:14Your Honor,
23:15if it may please the court.
23:16Your Honor,
23:17is this oak?
23:18Oh.
23:19You know,
23:19I do a little antiquing on the side.
23:21If you...
23:21Yeah.
23:21Just use some vinegar and water
23:23to keep that shiny.
23:24Yeah, not unlike a douche.
23:25Oh, okay.
23:26Mr. Linder,
23:27any evidence, please?
23:29Yeah, right here.
23:31What is this?
23:32That'd be dog hair.
23:33We shaved that off of Shotzi
23:35a half hour ago
23:35so this sucker's fresh.
23:37Oh, my God.
23:38You shaved Shotzi?
23:39These white folks are crazy.
23:41Okay, okay.
23:42I've heard just about enough judgment
23:43for the plaintiff
23:44and the amount of $600.
23:45Oh!
23:46We did it!
23:47High five!
23:48Mom, he's the plaintiff.
23:51Thank you, Your Majesty.
23:54Omar?
23:55There goes your college fund.
23:57Don't you worry about it.
23:58I'm sure they have some lovely parting gifts.
24:00There's nothing...
24:01There are no parting gifts, Dad.
24:03Hey, don't you use that tone of voice
24:04in small claims courts.
24:06Wonderful.
24:06Now, millions of people
24:07are gonna hear the sass talk.
24:08I hate you.
24:09I hate you both.
24:10I hope you die!
24:11Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
24:13And here comes some penit right now.
24:14Mark!
24:15Mark!
24:15Mark!
24:16Oh, oh.
24:17Well, here come the defendant's parents.
24:18Doug Llewellyn!
24:19How are you?
24:22Doug, Doug, I am so sorry
24:25for my son's behavior.
24:26He's just got a bug in the pants now.
24:28That's all.
24:28Yeah, he certainly did seem
24:29to be upset by the judge's verdict.
24:31Uh-huh.
24:31Is Llewellyn a Welsh name?
24:33There seemed to be
24:34a lot of consonants in it.
24:35Yeah.
24:36You know, I bet you it's French.
24:37We were in Canada last year
24:39And it was like stepping back in time
24:41Maybe Doug could go with us to Canada next time
24:43Can you imagine?
24:44We get t-shirts, Llewellyn and the lenders
24:46Don't bore Doug Llewellyn
24:47You want to go with us to Canada?
24:48Folks, I'm sorry, the case is over
24:50You've got some documents to sign over there
24:52Can we get a copy of this for our Betamax?
24:54Oh yeah, Grandma, I'd love that
24:55You'll just step right over there, please
24:57Go on, move, go on
24:58And that'll wrap it up for this edition
25:01I'm Doug Llewellyn reminding you
25:02If you've got a problem and can't work it out
25:04Don't take the law into your own hands
25:05You take them to Small Claims Court
25:08Doug, we've got a timeshare in Thundervaids
25:10Lowered expectations
25:26Rick, number 984
25:30Alright, no more f***ing around
25:32Just some kind of f***ing joke
25:33I mean, not one call
25:35I mean, come on
25:36I'm available
25:37What the hell else do I need to say?
25:38I mean, I
25:39Okay
25:41So now you know I'm serious
25:44So let's do this, alright?
25:45I mean, I'm not doing this again, okay?
25:46I am by far the best thing here
25:48I ain't gonna pay another 25 bucks to say it
25:50I've already spent 75 bucks for f***ing sake
25:52Cut the crap, ladies, and call me
25:55Sick of this s***
25:57Joke is over, okay?
26:00Pick up the phone
26:01Dial a f***ing number
26:03For Rick and Chris Pound, 984
26:07Everybody makes expectations
26:12Come on!
26:12Let's go!
26:13Woo!
26:14Woo!
26:15Woo!
27:16Murphy, where have you been?
27:18You're late.
27:19Yo, man, get off my back, man.
27:20What'd I tell you, huh?
27:21I told you I had a very big audition at the WB for that new show, That's My White Mama.
27:26Ain't that what I told you, man?
27:29Yo, waiter.
27:30Waiter, can I get some service?
27:32Take my picture.
27:34Spike!
27:34Spike, my man!
27:35What's happening, man?
27:37Yo, lady, what's up?
27:39Yeah, man, I understand you've been trying to get in touch with me to start your new movie, man.
27:43No.
27:45Very funny, man.
27:46You know, you're very funny.
27:47Listen, I know you're directing the Eddie Murphy story, and I am available to play myself.
27:51You're not working?
27:52What a surprise.
27:53No, man, you mean what a bargain.
27:54What a bargain for you!
27:57Look, Eddie, I would love to help you out, man, but you're just not what I'm looking for.
28:01Well, you know not what you're looking for, man.
28:02You're doing the Eddie Murphy story.
28:03I'm Eddie Murphy.
28:05Yeah, but you're Eddie Murphy now.
28:07Not the Eddie Murphy that's funny.
28:10Oh, man, what the hell do you mean, not fighting?
28:1348 hours?
28:14Yes.
28:15Another 48 hours?
28:16No.
28:18Beverly Hills Cop?
28:19Oh, yes.
28:20Vampire from Brooklyn?
28:21Hell no!
28:23All right, fine, man, but as long as he'd be an artist, man, Crooklyn sucks.
28:27Golden Child.
28:28Jungle Fever.
28:30Harlem Nights.
28:35All right, fine, fine, man, but you still can't do the Eddie Murphy story without Eddie Murphy.
28:39Yo, man, I got to.
28:40You're bad for box office.
28:41Look, Eddie, I'm a businessman, all right?
28:43Right, right.
28:43You a businessman?
28:44I'm a karate man.
28:45Remember that in train places?
28:46Karate man bleed on the inside.
28:49Wait, man, check it out.
28:49Check it out.
28:50Check it out.
28:51I'm gonna be, damn it.
28:53I'm gonna be.
28:54I'm gonna be, damn it.
28:56I'm Eddie Jones, and I can teach you how to be a hoe.
29:02All right, Eddie, just stop it, man.
29:03Just stop it.
29:04O-T.
29:08Look, man, I'm real hungry, and you're getting on my last nerve, so why don't you be a good
29:12boy, go get my egg full young, and maybe I'll hook you up with a job in the hair department.
29:16Hair department?
29:17Wait, wait, wait, wait.
29:18Let me tell you a little midget F Oompa Loompa Black Leprechaun Muggsy-Bow-Jay or something,
29:22all right?
29:23I am a legend, you understand me?
29:25I was the biggest box office star on the earth, okay?
29:28I can't understand that life like a papoose on my back for four years.
29:31Ask David Spade, man.
29:32Go call him.
29:33Ask him.
29:33And when the nutty proposal comes out, Eddie Murphy will be back on top again, understand
29:37me, all right?
29:39All right, baby.
29:41Why don't you be sure to bring me back some hot mustard while you're gone?
29:44I'll forget you, all right?
29:48Yo, made a date?
29:49Where's the bathroom up in here?
29:51Right over here, Mr. Lee.
29:52Thanks.
29:53And yo, I better not go in there and find Joe Piscopo handing out towels.
29:56We fired him.
29:58All right.
30:00Oh, snap.
30:01I love my legs.
30:02I can't see.
30:03Yo, Spike, man.
30:06It's me, Billy Ray Valentine, man.
30:08I know you need a crippled blind veteran in your movie, man.
30:10I was in Sang Bang Dang Gong.
30:12I was all over China, man.
30:13My code name was One on Low, man.
30:15Look, man, I don't have time for this, all right?
30:18I got us two o'clock with Scorsese.
30:20Eddie, you want that hair job or not?
30:23Look, man, you want me to glue wigs on the set of the Eddie Murphy movie?
30:28Did I stutter?
30:30All right, fine, man.
30:31If I'm not playing myself, who is?
30:32Did they watch this?
30:34No.
30:35My Lawrence, man?
30:36No, he's playing your sister.
30:39Who the hell is playing me, man?
30:43You?
30:44Yo, could you put this up in your restaurant?
30:47And, Eddie, just to show there ain't no hard feelings, here's some gift certificates.
30:50It's the Spice Joint and Spice Joint West.
30:52Go down there.
30:53Get yourself some new clothes.
30:54Because, man, that leather is tired.
30:57Oh, man, forget you, man.
30:59My leather's very comfortable.
31:00The Knicks suck!
31:02Part of yours is punk, man!
31:03Now, give me that.
31:06He'll get his autograph.
31:08Go Spice!
31:09Spice!
31:11Right now, it is my pleasure to introduce to you a very funny man.
31:23You can see him every week on Ellen.
31:25Please put your hands together for Dave Higgins.
31:28Thank you, thank you.
31:46Hi.
31:47I want to speak about something that's very dear to me.
31:50I'm talking about alcohol.
31:52I realize there are problems associated with alcohol,
31:55but I want to point out some of the often neglected positive aspects
31:59of the beverage that is as old a civilization.
32:02For example, how do you think King Tut built the pyramids?
32:07The same way I built my new patio.
32:10I got a keg of beer, invited a few friends over.
32:13The most helpful muscles in the world are beer muscles.
32:17The history books don't tell you this,
32:20but if he didn't have a few shots in them
32:21and made a wrong turn, Columbus would have never discovered America.
32:25And we'd all still be living in Barcelona.
32:29And don't forget.
32:33Don't forget.
32:35Manhattan Island was bought for the equivalent of a 12-pack.
32:39Alcohol is also nutritious.
32:42Think of this.
32:43Who the hell would drink tomato juice if it weren't for vodka?
32:46Or orange juice, for that matter.
32:47I really hate hearing people say how alcohol dulls the senses.
32:52I mean, think about it.
32:54When you're drunk, you really notice it when some guy looks at you wrong,
32:58calls you name, or just plain has a face you don't like.
33:02It gives you the power to settle any problem right there and then.
33:05I mean, if it wasn't for alcohol,
33:08I would have never had the guts to take on Roberto Duran
33:10in the lobby of the Dallas Hilton.
33:12I took the beating,
33:14fell down a flight of stairs,
33:15and just kept going with my dignity intact.
33:19Without alcohol,
33:20I'd never have the guts
33:22to tell my guy friends
33:23I love him.
33:26To dance naked in Times Square with my uncle,
33:28or to sing Danny Boy the way it was really meant to be sung.
33:31If it wasn't for alcohol,
33:34I would have never made the best of cops special.
33:37When I start drinking,
33:39it's like I become alive.
33:41I become a singer, a dancer, a superhero,
33:43a leading lady.
33:45And if you catch me at the right time,
33:47I am one hell of a lover.
33:51I know nothing's perfect,
33:53and I admit alcohol hits bad points,
33:55and that's why God created liver transplants
33:57and SWAT teams.
33:59I have to go right now.
34:00I have to make a few calls,
34:01and find out if I pissed anyone off last night.
34:03Cheers.
34:17Next week on MADtv.
34:20Hey, maybe it's a caveman.
34:23Hey, what's your freaking problem?
34:25Next time you bury a guy,
34:26make sure he's dead first.
34:28Volare to you, Mr. Boyarty.
34:30You little pig man.
34:47You are like starving pig lid at my teeth.
34:49You bacon breast sow.
34:50Look how you gorge on creamy cake.
34:53This is waste.
34:54I spend all day in armpit neighborhood
34:56and a missing soul tray.
34:58I must drive you to armpit neighborhood
35:00and the missing animaniacs.
35:02No tenants are here.
35:04You spend cash and sign and newspaper,
35:06and you are pig fool.
35:07Oh, I am pig fool?
35:09What is she doing here if I am pig fool?
35:11Ah.
35:12Welcome to Villawar Proud's feast, pretty girl.
35:15Pretty girl should move in, eh?
35:17Ah, this is the vacant apartment.
35:18Yes, it is how you say.
35:19Efficient, very hip, like mad about friends.
35:22You decide now, eh?
35:23I got to get my car out of this crappy neighborhood.
35:26Oh, my God.
35:26I'm glad you have a gas stove.
35:28Oh, yes.
35:29It's very gassy.
35:30Yeah, and see, I hate electric stoves
35:31because you can't control the temperature.
35:32Look, look, look, look.
35:34Great view.
35:34Oh, yes, your neighbor is in charge of floats
35:39at local parade.
35:41Uh, pretty girl would like mugwort tea
35:43and creamy cake, yes?
35:44Oh, oh, no, thank you.
35:46Uh, but getting back to this,
35:47you don't seem to have enough room
35:48for, like, pots and pans,
35:49and when are you gonna cut on the gas,
35:51you know, because this stove
35:54doesn't look like it works.
35:55You don't need stove!
35:57You don't really cook.
35:58I do cook, and I really would like a working stove.
36:00No, no, no.
36:01Cooking make kitchenette area very messy.
36:03Yes, food for rats and roses.
36:05Yes, yes, yes, yes.
36:06Okay, uh, thank you very much for your time.
36:07I appreciate it.
36:08Ah!
36:09Ah!
36:10Why you not so pretty girl to take apartment, huh?
36:13Be strong and proud like the oxen,
36:15not cowardly,
36:16and dung-eating like the dung-eating coward beetle.
36:18Ah!
36:19Renting apartment is woman's work,
36:21empress of soul.
36:23I support you.
36:25Ah!
36:25Hello, fine breeding stock.
36:27Mmm, it is lady's man we deal with now, eh?
36:31Casimova.
36:31Look out, Mr. Lucky.
36:33This is romantic, den, quiet, sexy.
36:36Yes, not much room to run, eh?
36:38Yet still space for three or four.
36:43Hey, sounds like my neighbor's a jazz fan, huh?
36:45Oh, yes, yes, he is certainly a jazz fan.
36:51You son of a bitch!
36:52Shut up!
36:52That job is a bitch!
36:53It's a bitch!
36:53Come on!
36:54Come on!
36:55Come on!
36:55Come on!
36:56Come on!
36:56Come on!
36:56Come on!
36:56Come on!
36:56Come on!
36:56Come on!
36:57Come on!
36:57Come on!
36:57Come on!
36:57Come on!
36:57Come on!
36:58Come on!
36:58Come on!
36:58Come on!
36:58You know what, thanks a lot.
36:59I don't think this is the place I'm looking for, but I appreciate it.
37:01No, no, no, you don't leave!
37:02Jazz music stops at 3 a.m.
37:03Plenty of time for sleep.
37:05Yes, yes, look at the apartment!
37:06Your new home!
37:09There's no toilet in here.
37:11Bachelor apartment does not come with full baths.
37:13Yes, yes, kitchenette sink is double sink.
37:16Perfect for all bodily needs.
37:18What?
37:19All right, look, I'll knock 10 bucks off the rent.
37:21Already you rob us blind!
37:23Yeah, well, thanks a lot.
37:24I appreciate it, but I'm not interested.
37:25You no leave, you are leaving paradise!
37:28Somebody was murdered in this dump.
37:29Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
37:31He was shot, and then he dragged himself back in the apartment, then he died here.
37:35Yes, yes, that teach you to pay rent late!
37:37You son of a bitch!
37:38There's a freak, man!
37:39Freak!
37:42We will never rent an apartment!
37:45Note to myself, tell scarity pigs the chalk outline is modern art.
37:50Hello, I am Jebornik, I call about art in Penny Saver.
37:54Fellow countryman, welcome!
37:56Yes, would you like creamy cake?
37:58Oh, you are like ESP in my mind!
38:00Yes!
38:00Yes!
38:01Classy modern art, yes?
38:04Ah, to toilets!
38:06Success!
38:08Success!
38:09Success!
38:09Yes!
38:10Success!
38:11Success!
38:12Success!
38:13Success!
38:14Success!
38:15Success!
38:16Success!
38:17Success!
38:18Success!
38:19Success!
38:20Success!
38:21And congratulations to this year's winner, Mr. Peter Izerski, for his contribution to
38:28the development of the conveyor belt technique in manufacturing.
38:33Please come forward to receive your award, Mr. Izerski.
38:37Yoo-hoo!
38:38Oh, my god!
38:57Thank you!
39:00Come on!
39:02Come on!
39:04Come on!
39:05Come on!
39:06I'm Ivan.
39:25My favorite sweater is...
39:29My favorite color is...
39:33My favorite movie is Spaceballs.
39:37My favorite drink is water.
39:39Straight from the house.
39:40I'm sorry.
39:41No, no, I'm sorry.
39:42No, no.
39:43Y'all got 75 bucks for my money.
39:44I'm not paying another cent, all right?
39:46Look, I don't know what your problem is,
39:48and I don't care.
39:49All I know is one of you should have called me.
39:51You know it, and I know it.
39:53I mean...
39:54Excuse me, sir.
39:55Shut up!
39:56Shut up!
40:00Look, I don't know what the game is, okay?
40:03I mean, I'm not some ugly guy.
40:05I'm not this guy.
40:06I mean, what the is the problem, huh?
40:08I mean, what do I have to do, all right?
40:10I mean...
40:12Okay.
40:14If you can't call me up for a date,
40:16the least you can do is call me up
40:17and tell me what the problem is, huh?
40:19Can you do that?
40:21Shut up!
40:23This is not funny.
40:24Not funny!
40:25Shut up!
40:27I played semi-pro ball!
40:32Shut up!
40:33Shut up!
40:34Shut up!
40:35Shut up!
40:36Shut up!
40:37Shut up!
40:38Shut up!
40:39Or I can press them on one-three-three.
40:42Now we're in expectation.
40:47Yeah!
40:48Yeah!
40:58Hey, thanks a lot for watching.
40:59We hope you enjoyed the show half as much
41:01as we enjoyed taping it three or four weeks ago.
41:05Good night!
41:06Whoo!
41:11Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
41:13Whoa, whoa!
41:14You know, 50,000 acres a day and nobody cares.
41:18Nobody just cares.
41:19What?
41:20Are you still angry about the rainforest?
41:21You sarcastically-
41:22Oh!
41:25I'm losing credit with this subject!
41:26Ah!
41:27This show uses a lot of paper!
41:29And that's trees!
41:30Dump Fiction!
41:31Five trees right there!
41:32Five trees!
41:33Oh, God!
41:34How's that feel, huh?
41:35How's that feel, huh?
41:36How's that feel, you little creeps?
41:37Whoo!
41:38hardest, круп!
41:39Yes!
41:40Yes!
41:42Yes!
41:43Yes!
41:48Yes!
41:49Yes!
41:50Yes!
41:51Yes!
41:53Yes!
41:54Yes!
41:55Yes!
41:56Yes!
41:58Yes!
41:59Yes!
42:00You
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41:46
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