- 6 minutes ago
Season 1 Episode 7
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:00Hello. It's late. It's Saturday night. You're home alone watching this show. You're probably
00:14a very lonely individual. Let's cut to the chase. You're kind of pathetic, aren't you?
00:19Well, that's why you should call Lowered Expectations. Our video library is packed
00:24with thousands of chronically rejected singles just like you. Nestor number 289.
00:32I am a man of the senses. I want a woman who knows the smell of crayons, who loves the way the night
00:41tastes on her tongue. A woman who knows the difference between the taste of hot sweat and
00:48fear sweat and exercise sweat and sex sweat and fever sweat. And more than that, I crave
00:55you. And the way your skin tastes after you ate macaroni. And the way your brassiere smells
01:03when you want me. And the way I can tell whether your eyes are green or blue from the taste of
01:08your tears. And I want you to want me. To know me. To know how my skin feels after I
01:16drink a fish bowl full of whiskey. And the way my tongue tastes sweet after I have taken
01:21a life. I also like sailing, long walks on the beach, and horseback riding. Bye-bye now.
01:29Bye-bye.
01:30For Nestor, press pound 289.
01:33Lowered expectations. When you've been blown off by the rest, settle for second best.
01:38Moving expectations.
01:43Music
01:47Music
01:52Music
01:53Music
01:56Music
02:00Music
02:00Music
02:05Music
02:06You're so crazy
02:13Ooh
02:22Man
02:25You're so crazy
02:28You're so crazy
02:30Come on, come on, come on, come on
02:36Ooh
02:38If I'm watching the TV
02:40Ladies and gentlemen, San Francisco 49er Ken Norton Jr.
02:44Hey, Ken, man, you ready for the show?
02:46It ain't about me being ready. Are you ready? Are any of you ready?
02:50Uh, yeah, Ken, we're ready. We've done this before. This is our seventh show.
02:54I know, Artie. I've seen the show. And I can tell you, you aren't ready.
02:57None of you are. When 11 o'clock rolls around, you've got to be prepared to lay it on the line.
03:03Give 110%. Leave a little piece of yourself out there on that stage.
03:07Okay.
03:08Now, who's willing to do that? Deborah, can you do that?
03:12I think so.
03:13Don't think. Just put on your game face.
03:17Now, are you ready?
03:19Yes, I'm ready!
03:20How ready?
03:21Ready!
03:22Ah!
03:23Ah!
03:24Ah!
03:25Ah!
03:26I'm ready, Ken.
03:27Don't say it! Show it!
03:29Ah!
03:30Ah!
03:31Ah!
03:32Now, listen. The time is now. This is our hour.
03:35Yeah!
03:36Yeah!
03:37We've earned it!
03:38Yeah!
03:39We're mad!
03:40Man!
03:41Yeah!
03:42Now, let's go out there and be funny!
03:43Yeah!
03:44Ah!
03:45Yeah!
03:46And now, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of MADtv!
03:49Yeah!
03:50Yeah!
03:51Welcome to the show!
03:52Don't believe me!
03:53Don't believe me!
03:54Dad!
03:55Yeah?
03:56Oh!
03:57Oh!
03:58Oh!
03:59Oh!
04:00Oh!
04:01Oh!
04:02Oh!
04:03Oh!
04:04Oh!
04:06Oh!
04:07Oh!
04:08Oh!
04:09Oh!
04:10Oh!
04:11Oh!
04:12Oh!
04:13there's something i want to tell you what is it dave dad you're my dad
04:26and i love you man
04:30you're not getting my liver dave
04:34you can't always get what you want but you can always get a vod light
04:40uh...
04:45forget it dave
05:07now the three witches were giving voice to macbeth's conscience like a greek
05:10chorus does anyone know what these three witches might represent
05:14you and your mama
05:17anybody
05:19larry moe and curly
05:24you know mr silcox i believe you all know mr silcox our principal he'll be absorbing the
05:28class today
05:30just pretend i'm not here mrs king
05:33uh...
05:36now shakespeare used many different heralds in his plays uh... the ghost in hamlet
05:40puck in a midsummer night's dream
05:44uh...
05:45uh...
05:46excuse me
05:48now
05:50while many playwrights of the period chose to lampoon contemporary figures
05:55shakespeare stood out by basing his protagonists
06:02on historical rather than contemporary figures that way he could address larger character issues
06:09without limiting himself to celebrities of the time
06:11the time
06:18now
06:19it would be easy to write a play about uh... oj and nicole for example because they are familiar
06:24contemporary figures but it's hard to imagine anyone being able to relate to them in two hundred years
06:31that's
06:33that's the challenge of any good writer to take normal places and events and lift them to a level of universal understanding
06:43now can anyone tell me why he chose to represent
06:47by me
06:54all right mr landis i've had just about enough of your coughing fits
06:56but i didn't do anything
06:57don't even try i'm sure a trip to the principal's office will clear up your congestion and i'm sure mr silcox will have plenty to say when he's done here
07:05i didn't do anything i swear
07:07just go
07:08i'm sorry about that
07:18now getting back to shakespeare
07:20yes ted
07:21couldn't shakespeare have used contemporary characters and still been considered classic
07:25good point ted
07:31does anybody want to comment on that
07:33all right arthur
07:37why don't you join your friend in the office
07:40why me
07:41not a chance
07:42now you and your buddy can make all the noise you want to you can do a little duet
07:46i swear i can't do nothing
07:50he who smelt it dealt it
07:51just go arthur
07:53go
07:54let's just keep moving shall we
08:04now the parallels between hamlet and macbeth have been well documented
08:09both places
08:11all right bobby silcox that is all i'm going to take from you
08:16don't try and tell me that wasn't yours
08:19helen i'm the principal
08:20right so you should know where your office is
08:26man this is a
08:27now
08:28what a chip
08:30i swear you loved that office so much twenty years ago you just couldn't get enough
08:34and you're still a bitch
08:37what did you say to me
08:39i said i've got an itch
08:41and
08:48well well well
08:51hello boys
08:52hey mr.
08:54bill cox
08:55you ready
08:56for what
08:57beer run
08:59detention at hooters
09:00and
09:24i'm shannon
09:25Sorry.
09:28Sorry, sometimes I don't know the power of my own voice.
09:31But as I mentioned before, I'm Shannon.
09:34And I want to meet a woman who is interested in military history.
09:37And being a Dungeons & Dragons aficionado is a plus with a capital P.
09:43My ideal romantic evening is thus.
09:46Perusing the latest edition of Jane's Fighting Ships,
09:49playing Star Trek trivia,
09:50The Next Generation, not Voyager.
09:53No way, please.
09:55Although, actually, the Kurt vs. Picard chat room on the Internet
09:58is really a lot of fun, but...
09:59Anyway, my pod bay doors are wide open.
10:03Eek bok skangla, gangu bok.
10:06And if you understood that, then let's get together and make it so.
10:18For Shannon, press pound 465.
10:20Hello, I'm Paul Tagliabue.
10:31And I'm Bud Selig.
10:32And we are the acting commissioners of...
10:35Major League Baseball.
10:36And the National Football League.
10:43Thank you all.
10:44But really, this isn't about us.
10:46We are here to welcome the new owners of teams from both our leagues.
10:50So without further ado, we'd like to introduce our new partners in ownership,
10:54leader of the first American nations, Navajo chief, Little Bull.
10:58Come on up here, Little Bull.
11:05To begin with, my people wish to thank all the whites who have come to our casinos.
11:12Your misfortune, jewelry, and home mortgages have made this great day possible.
11:17As we are now owners of several professional sports teams.
11:25We have already started making improvements to the teams we now own.
11:30In football, the Washington Redskins will from this day forward be known as the Washington Rednecks.
11:36Also, the Kansas City Chiefs have undergone a small change,
11:44as they will now be known by a more appropriate name, the Kansas City Land Robbers.
11:53Incidentally, our teams will no longer participate in Monday night football,
11:57as everyone knows Indians do not attack at night.
12:00In baseball, the Cleveland Indians will from this day forward be known for what they truly are,
12:07the Cleveland clan.
12:09Ah, forgot how.
12:12And finally, we have acquired the world champion Atlanta Braves,
12:16who will be known as the Atlanta genocidal maniacs
12:19who raped our women and killed our children and banished us to die on reservations,
12:23but we're back, you bastards, and we've got the money.
12:25It's going to be different this time.
12:27Braves.
12:27It's okay if we call ourselves Braves.
12:31I'd like to say something here.
12:32Go break a treaty, forked tongue.
12:36Once again, I'd like to thank you all for coming to this press conference,
12:40and now I'd like to introduce to you the new mascot of the Washington Rednecks.
12:45How about a big thunderclap for cars?
12:49Go, team, go!
12:53Play Keto!
12:55See you all on opening day.
12:58No matter.
13:00You're going to be more!
13:02Go, team, go, team!
13:04Go, team, go, team!
13:34Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Las Vegas.
13:59Here in the gymnasium, we've replaced the padding in Mike Tyson's heavy bag
14:03with comedian Billy Barty.
14:06Hey, somebody tell Mike to hit this bag as hard as he can.
14:11He's a palooka. I've watched him fight.
14:13Need I say more?
14:15Oh, here. Hold these. I'll be out in a minute.
14:20Let's just see if Mr. Tyson notices.
14:33Oh, here. This one's a mistake.
14:52Oh!
14:54So, Mike, Mike, how was the heavy bag?
14:58It's really tough. Able to take a pounding.
15:00Tell me, what would you say if I told you that inside that heavy bag was Billy Barty?
15:07Billy Barty? I didn't know he was still alive.
15:10Well, after one or two of those uppercuts, Michael.
15:14Oh, God. I feel so terrible. I really enjoy this work and foul play.
15:23So, there you are, ladies and gentlemen, Billy Barty, tough enough to fool one of the world's greatest boxers.
15:30So, from Mad TV, that's all for now. We'd like to wish you all good night and God bless you.
15:35I just want to say, this guy's a lot tougher than a Don Knotts bag.
15:38I mean, this guy's really got guts.
15:40This holiday season, 20th Century Fox presents a film bound to rip the hood off of racial injustice.
15:50Here we go.
15:51The Place, Alabama. The Year, 1963.
15:55The Event. Governor George Wallace bans Negroes from the University of Alabama.
15:59I am present to draw the entrance of any Negro into this, the University of Alabama.
16:05Segregation now. Segregation forever.
16:08Governor. Governor, when is enough enough?
16:12Steven Seagal stars as a brother fighting for the brothers.
16:15When can I drink out of your water fountain? When can I swim in your pool? When can I marry your daughter?
16:21The making of hard to oppress Dark Territory 2.
16:25Steven Seagal is Jack Dawson, a black man with a black belt and a short fuse.
16:31You can break a man's arm, but you can't break the color barrier. I've got the law on my side.
16:36I've got a high law on my fists.
16:43Seagal also wrote, produced, and directed this highly charged drama.
16:47And Steven says, stop.
16:49We'll set up the shot so you guys come, so it's real smooth. I want it real smooth, not bumpy, you know?
16:53This has been a dream project of mine for six or seven months now.
16:57When I learned that blacks were once brought to this country in chains, I just had to tell the story.
17:03Who knew?
17:05Oh, and baseball. They haven't always been allowed in that either.
17:09Right?
17:10Seagal cast green legend Sidney Poitier to portray the legendary but fictional civil rights icon, Reverend Tibbs.
17:16Dawson, you are a loose cannon. Don't you realize you're hurting the civil rights movement?
17:22You keep this up and Martin Luther King will have my ass.
17:26You're a bull in a china shop.
17:29When you're black, like you and I, you don't push the man.
17:33When I learned I would be working with an actor the caliber of a Sidney Poitier,
17:37I realized I would have to hone all the words of the script like a precious gem.
17:42You don't step on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind.
17:46You don't fool around with that old Lone Ranger.
17:48And you don't mess around with Jim Crow.
17:53Integration takes time.
17:55You have to have patience.
17:58Patience?
18:00The only patience I know are the ones I put in the hospital.
18:03Somebody better call 911.
18:07911?
18:08This is 1960...
18:10Oh, you're an idiot.
18:12Steven says stop.
18:15Sid, wait, what is it, a black thing?
18:19Working with Mr. Steven Seagal has been an experience I shall not soon forget.
18:25Hey, Sidney, I'm rewriting the scene.
18:27Who is Malcolm X again?
18:29I have to go.
18:31Excuse me.
18:33Pam Greer co-stars as Rosa Parks
18:35in a performance guaranteed to move her to the front of the bus
18:39for an Oscar.
18:40Rosa Parks is a woman who knows what she wants.
18:44And she wants Jack Dawson.
18:47You know, sometimes I think you care more about the civil rights movement
18:50than you do about me.
18:51Now, that's the kind of passive resistance I like.
19:07Realizing the importance of historical accuracy,
19:10Seagal cast first-time actor George Wallace III
19:13to portray his own grandfather,
19:15the infamous governor.
19:16The two hit it off immediately.
19:20Mommy, how I love you, how I love you.
19:23Their antics helped make long days
19:25a little more bearable for the crew.
19:27Mommy, how I love you, how I love you.
19:30Oh, no.
19:31Mommy.
19:32Mommy.
19:33The climactic final fight sequence
19:36was choreographed by Seagal,
19:38injecting this pivotal moment in history
19:40with a signature martial arts action
19:42that only Seagal can dish out.
19:47Why, if it isn't Reverend Tibbs.
19:50They call me Mr. Reverend Brother Deacon Doctor Tibbs.
19:56Come on, brother man.
19:58Let's integrate this mother's nose into his face.
20:02Time to take out the white trash.
20:03Guess who's coming to dinner.
20:12Indigestion.
20:13You know, Governor,
20:14I ain't psychic,
20:15but I see a wheelchair in your future.
20:18Bring it on!
20:18All you Negroes,
20:35schools in.
20:37Hard to oppress.
20:39Dark Territory 2.
20:41I have a dream
20:42that one day
20:43little black boys and girls
20:45will see this movie
20:46with little white boys and girls.
20:47that they'll see the movie
20:49three and four times each.
20:52That they'll buy the trading cards
20:53and the action figures.
20:55To me,
20:56that's racial harmony.
20:59Coming this Christmas season
21:01to separate but equal theaters near you.
21:12Joey?
21:13Yeah, what do you want?
21:14There's, uh,
21:16something I want to tell you.
21:17What is it, Vinny?
21:19Well, Joey,
21:20you're my Joey.
21:24And I love you, man.
21:26You're not getting your life by, Vinny.
21:30You can't always get what you want,
21:32but you can always get
21:34a Bud Light.
21:35than your son.
21:40Louie,
21:40forget about it, Vinny.
21:44Come on.
22:16It's very, very cold in Canada. Are you happy now?
22:20What happy, happy storytime lady is happy? She's way too happy!
22:25Wow, Louis Farrakhan! Right on, Billy, right on!
22:29May!
22:37May!
22:42Class, I have a very special surprise for you today.
22:46Here to read to you is the happy, happy storytime lady!
22:49Yay!
22:50Hey, boys and girls. Do you want to hear a happy story?
22:55Yeah!
22:57Good! Because I love telling happy stories and making children happy when I read them.
23:02Now, this is a very special story about how people and animals can live together peacefully and happily.
23:10And it's called Mary and Fluffy Toes.
23:15Now, once upon a time, there was a little girl named Mary.
23:19That's Mary!
23:21Well, that's wonderful!
23:23And this Mary had a special pet land named Fluffy Toes.
23:28Fluffy Toes. And they did everything together.
23:31And everywhere that Mary went, Fluffy Toes went, too.
23:34Now, when Mary went to the playground, Fluffy Toes went to the playground.
23:38And when Mary went to the store, Fluffy Toes went to the store.
23:42Now, one day, Mary went to school and Fluffy Toes followed her.
23:46The teacher was delighted because Fluffy Toes was a good helper.
23:50And the children played with Fluffy Toes at recess.
23:54Now, after school, Mary and Fluffy Toes went to the meadow where they met Fluffy Toes' friend Curly Locks and Lamikins.
24:01And they romped. And they romped. And they romped.
24:04So they were all suckered out.
24:08Then they went home and Mary took Fluffy Toes into bed.
24:11And she kissed Fluffy Toes goodnight.
24:13And they went off to dreamland together in the end.
24:18What's the matter, happy, happy story time lady?
24:22Don't you see?
24:24Fluffy Toes, he was so sweet.
24:27I thought it was a happy story.
24:30Why are you crying?
24:33Why are you crying?
24:35Don't you know what happens to labs?
24:38No.
24:40First?
24:41They club them in the head over and over again.
24:44Until the floor is red with their blood.
24:47And the walls are spattered with their brains.
24:50And then they hang them on the hook.
24:52And their carcasses open.
24:54Straight cut to the center of their belly.
24:57And then they rip out their little hearts.
24:59And they rip out their little lungs.
25:01And they rip out their little livers.
25:02And then they chop them into little pieces.
25:06And wrap them in plastic.
25:08Just so your mommy can serve to you for dinner.
25:12But they wouldn't do that to Fluffy Toes, would they?
25:17Oh yeah?
25:18Well here's Fluffy Toes.
25:21$2.39 a pound.
25:22It's not true!
25:26It's not true!
25:28Oh yes it is!
25:31Yes it is, Mary!
25:35You know that bacon you had for breakfast this morning?
25:38It was baked!
25:40That was a happy story!
25:47I'm sorry!
25:48Shh shh shh shh shh shh!
25:49No no no no!
25:50I'm sorry!
25:50I'm sorry!
25:51Shh shh shh shh shh!
25:51You see, sometimes when happy happy story time lady reads a happy story, she gets unhappy!
25:57You see, happy happy story time lady is bipolar!
26:02That means when happy happy story time lady is happy, she's way too happy!
26:06And sometimes when happy happy story time lady is unhappy, she loses it!
26:12So, let's find, let's find a story that's gonna make everyone feel happy happy happy happy again!
26:19Oh, look what I found!
26:26Now, once upon a time, way up in the frozen north, lived Henry the baby harp seal!
26:34Now, Jerry had a beautiful mommy and daddy!
26:39And he loved his mommy and daddy very much!
26:42So much more!
26:43Thank you very much!
26:44Thank you very much!
26:44Thank you very much!
26:52Lowered expectations!
26:57Cherry number 464!
27:00Woo!
27:02Finish it!
27:02Drink it!
27:04Drink some liquor!
27:05I love to have a good time!
27:09Woo!
27:11Liquor!
27:13Oh, suck it, suck it now!
27:15Ha, ha, ha!
27:17Woo!
27:19For Cherry Pressbound 464!
27:22Lowered expectations!
27:24Hi, I'm Mary Scheer!
27:36I'd like to dedicate this monologue to a friend who's no longer with me.
27:40Not a lot of people know this, but a couple years ago, I weighed over 200 pounds, and I was really depressed.
27:46Well, he helped me out a lot when we were together, and I just really miss him.
27:50I'm still here, Mary!
27:52David, is that you?
27:53It's David Herman, my tapeworm!
27:57Oh!
27:57Well, hello, I'm Mary's tapeworm, and the things she eats, I eat.
28:07If I uncoil him from head to hook, I am over 16 feet!
28:12I reside in her intestine, where it's cold...
28:15And cramped!
28:16And black!
28:17He passed with an astringent!
28:19And now I want to be put back!
28:22Eat him, Mary!
28:23Eat him, Mary!
28:24Eat him once again!
28:27Whee!
28:28Here I go!
28:29Ah!
28:42Now where do you want to go, Dave?
28:44The 30th!
28:45The doughnut tray!
28:47Yeah!
28:48Okay, enjoy the show!
28:50Ooh!
29:03Huh?
29:05Ha-ha!
29:06Whatever it is you're doing back there...
29:09Stop it!
29:11Ah!
29:12Billy, what's wrong?
29:30I can't get this math.
29:32Don't worry, Billy, for I am here to guide you.
29:37Wow, Lewis Farrakhan!
29:40All right, Billy, to solve the problem that you have here, what you have to do, what you
29:45must do...
29:46All right.
29:46...is take the height of the Washington Monument...
29:48Preach on.
29:49...subtract the age of Billy D. Williams, 57...
29:51Go ahead.
29:52...then add the average number of actors in a Spike Lee film...
29:55Oh, tell it like it is.
29:56...divide by 1,947...
29:59Make us proud.
30:00...which is the first year they let black men play in the major leagues.
30:03Mm-hmm.
30:04...then take the square root of 64...
30:06Yes, sir.
30:07...which is eight.
30:08...which is how long the slave chains were that bound the children of Africa.
30:12Oh, boy.
30:13...and your answer will be 27, which is exactly how many years ago Martin Luther King was assassinated.
30:20Oh, I think I get it now.
30:23You mean in this example here, I need to take the average length of Snoop Doggy Dog's braids...
30:27Yes, Billy.
30:27...multiply it by eight, which is how long the Cosby Show lasted...
30:31Go ahead.
30:31...divide it by the number of black hockey players...
30:34Make us proud.
30:34...then add 400 years of oppression, and the answer is 24.
30:40And the 24th letter of the alphabet just happens to be X, as in Malcolm X, the man you...
30:46Close enough, Billy!
30:49But you still have much to learn.
30:51Oh, much to learn.
30:51I am so proud of you, Billy.
30:54Yes, it is that simple.
30:56With my new Math Made Easy videos, pretty soon anyone black or white, we're not here to discriminate.
31:01Oh, no, sir.
31:02We'll be able to take an entire calculus exam in less than 10 minutes without even using a calculator.
31:08I can't wait to take that math test tomorrow.
31:11Thanks, Louis Farrakhan.
31:12Right on, Billy, right on.
31:14So if you want to get into the mindset of math supremacy, call 1-800-555-0199.
31:23That's one, as in one, our freedom.
31:25Yes, sir.
31:26Eight, as in I just ate, but I am still hungry.
31:28Mm-hmm.
31:29Five, five, five, as in five on the black-hand side of very fine Fred Williamson film.
31:34Wow, wow.
31:34And 199, carry the five, which gives you $19.95, which is exactly how much this video costs.
31:41Shipping and handling not included.
31:43Oh, dear.
31:43So call today.
31:45Operators are standing by.
31:47Wow.
31:47Wow.
31:47Ladies and gentlemen, our special friend, star of news radio, Dave Foley.
32:02Hey, come on, man.
32:04Hi.
32:06Hi.
32:08Yeah, I'm Dave Foley, and I just wanted to talk to you, not just as a middle-rung celebrity,
32:13but also as a Canadian who has recently moved to your country.
32:16Now, I've been surprised to find how little Americans seem to know about Canada.
32:20Now, granted, there are many similarities between our two nations,
32:23but there are also many subtle differences that give us our unique Canadian identity.
32:28For example, in Canada, everyone hates Barbara Streisand.
32:33But here, she seems to be quite popular.
32:36And there are other differences, too.
32:38I mean, we don't have states, we have provinces, we use the metric system.
32:42Canadians and Americans both love football, but in Canada, the game is played slightly differently.
32:47The field is a different size, for one thing.
32:49The CFL field is 17 miles long and 6 feet wide.
32:55So, understandably, games are a little longer.
32:58In fact, the 1949 Grey Cup game is still in progress.
33:02Many Americans believe that our national anthem is O Canada,
33:06simply because we enjoy singing it before hockey games.
33:09But in fact, our national anthem is The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace.
33:14Our systems of government differ somewhat, in that America is a republic with a president, a congress, and a senate.
33:21In Canada, we are ruled by a small boy with supernatural powers.
33:25Of whom we are all very fond.
33:30Now, in the U.S., when a mummy and daddy love each other,
33:32they perform bipolar sexual intercourse and make a baby.
33:37Canadians, however, are a breed of hermaphrodites,
33:39who reproduce by means of auto-insemination, thus eliminating the need for sex.
33:44This also explains why we don't really have a film industry.
33:49And, of course, how can we discuss Canada without discussing the weather?
33:52Yes, it is cold in Canada.
33:54It is very, very cold.
33:57Are you happy now?
33:59Yes, the average year-round temperature is 275 degrees below zero.
34:04But that is Celsius.
34:06Now, can we talk about something else?
34:08Like, for example, the fact that our atmosphere is pure sulfur dioxide,
34:12which is, of course, incapable of sustaining life.
34:14Life as you know it.
34:16Or the fact that we only have gravity for six hours out of each day
34:19and spend the rest of our time desperately clinging to trees
34:22to avoid being spun into the endless abyss of space.
34:24Yes, all this is true.
34:26But at least we have universal health care.
34:29Thank you for your time.
34:30Satan?
34:31Yeah.
34:32There's something I want to tell you.
34:47What is it, Bob?
34:50Well, Satan, you're my Satan.
34:54And I love you, man.
34:56You're not getting your soul back, Bob.
35:00You can't always get what you want.
35:03But you can always get a VUD light.
35:07Jesus, forget it, Bob.
35:09Next week on MADtv.
35:17This is the front.
35:20And this is the crack.
35:21Mr. Gingrich, if your wife doesn't want breast implants, leave her ass alone.
35:25Maybe it's just me.
35:27But I believe we're going to have to get medieval on your buttocks.
35:31You are now watching the TV.
35:39Friends will be there for you.
35:44Okay, Phoebe, I believe you had the double espresso latte.
35:48And Ross, the mochaccino decaf with whipped cream.
35:52Yes, of course I remember.
35:54We're friends.
35:55No, Chandler, I don't think so.
36:00What's this?
36:03You guys remembered my birthday?
36:06Oh, that is so sweet.
36:09What is it?
36:11Season tickets to the Rangers games?
36:13Oh, man, now we can all go together.
36:15Oh, guys, thank you so much.
36:18What?
36:19Oh, Monica, that's great.
36:20Most memorable birthday.
36:21Yeah.
36:21Yeah, Joey, sounds like fun.
36:27Nothing like a nice game of pin the tail on your uncle.
36:30Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
36:32My most memorable birthday would definitely have to be
36:34this one right here with you guys.
36:39What, Rach?
36:40Ugly naked guys making fried bananas?
36:43Come on, everybody.
36:47Would you look at that loser over there?
36:49The guy's home completely alone on a Thursday night.
36:54How pathetic.
36:58Yes, Mr. Geller, you are absolutely right.
37:00It's a birthday.
37:01We should have some cake.
37:02Oh, Monica, you made this from scratch?
37:05It's gorgeous.
37:09Yeah, turning 30 today.
37:11Oh, sure, laugh it up, Ross.
37:12I believe you're next, my friend.
37:15Okay, shh, shh.
37:16Everybody quiet, quiet, quiet.
37:17I have to make my wish.
37:17Shh.
37:22Shh.
37:28Hello?
37:31Hi, Mom.
37:33Um, yeah, thank you.
37:35I got the present.
37:36Yeah, yeah, the pajamas are great.
37:40Look, I have to go.
37:41I have friends over.
37:43No, you don't know them.
37:46Bye.
37:46Bye.
37:47That was that Victoria's Secret model again, you know?
37:53Chandler, ever since you got stuck with her in that ATM vestibule, she will not stop hounding
37:57me, you know?
37:58It just, it really sucks, you know?
38:01And, guys, small question.
38:03Why do we always have to go to hockey games, huh?
38:06I mean, you know black people don't play hockey.
38:10Yeah, Joey, maybe.
38:12But between that and Phoebe always wanting to touch my hair, you know?
38:16Just, sometimes I feel like you guys can't relate to me.
38:20In fact, why don't you just get the hell out of here and leave me alone?
38:23Wh-what, Monica?
38:28Oh, I'm the only black person you know in New York?
38:33Oh, well, of course.
38:34How could you know?
38:36This has all been a big misunderstanding.
38:40Boy, is my face red.
38:41No, Phoebe, not literally.
38:47Hey, Joey, man, I'm sorry.
38:53You know, it's just that, you know, sometimes I feel like it hasn't been my day.
38:58My week, my month, even my year, you know?
39:01But I know that you guys will be there for me.
39:06Group hug?
39:11Oh, Phoebe, Rachel.
39:19Hey, guys, guys, fellas, where are you going?
39:24Phoebe, put your top back on.
39:28Monica, you want to talk?
39:28Monica, I've never heard you talk like that before.
39:33Oh, oh, oh, oh, now this is a birthday present.
39:41Oh, God, it's 8 o'clock already?
39:44Um, look, um, why don't you ladies go on into the bedroom and get started without me, okay?
39:51And, um, I'll be in there in about half an hour, okay?
39:58You will be there for me.
40:07You will be there for me.
40:11You will be there for me.
40:42from 20th Century Fox.
40:44Wesley Snipes is duck.
40:47Sharon Stone is duck.
40:50Arnold Schwarzenegger is duck.
40:53Demi Moore is duck.
40:55Mel Gibson is duck.
40:58Whitney Houston is duck.
41:01And Harrison Ford is goose.
41:04Coming soon to a theater near you.
41:07Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, goose.
41:12The movie.
41:29My real friends and I would like to say thank you all for watching
41:32and see you next week.
41:42You'll be there for me.
41:59You are now watching the TV.
42:29You are now watching the TV.
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