- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 14
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You're going out watching MADtv.
00:03MAD!
00:11Hello and welcome to MADtv.
00:13Hey! Nice shirt!
00:15Did you make it yourself?
00:17Okay, today's a really special show.
00:19We're coming at you from New Orleans, the French Quarter!
00:22Are you talking to us?
00:24Yeah! You heard me!
00:26Yeah, I said that!
00:27Oh, man!
00:28We got special appearances from your Rookie Goldberg,
00:31your Brian Austin Green, so be sure to stick around for us.
00:34Were you born that up there,
00:36or did your mom puke on you when she saw you?
00:38Mary, please! Okay!
00:40We got a fantastic view!
00:42From up here, you can see it all!
00:43The dancing, the drinking, the pickpocketing,
00:46the fighting, the puking, more drinking, you know, everything!
00:50You know what? Come up here!
00:52Let me put you out of your misery!
00:54Our own Mary Sheer here is getting in the mood
00:56by picking pipes with frat boys in the street!
00:58We're gonna kick your fart!
01:00Do it! Room 212!
01:02Elevator in the lobby!
01:04Come on, sissy! What are you waiting for?
01:06Mary, Mary, Mary! They're coming up here!
01:08Yeah, I know, right? You're gonna back me up!
01:10We're all in this together! All for one, one for all!
01:12This is gonna be great!
01:14He's coming up! This is gonna be great!
01:16No, no no! I hate you!
01:18Ai, ei, ei, ei, ei, ei!
01:22Let me show!
01:28Come on, come on!
01:30Come on, come on!
01:32Come on, come on!
01:35Hey, hey!
01:37You're so crazy
01:40Ooh
01:45Man
01:50You're so crazy
01:59Ooh
02:07This is the Happy News Network
02:17with Dirk Plashal, Sally Gibbs, and Rory Halleck with the weather.
02:24Good evening. It's Wednesday, two days before the weekend.
02:27I'm Hal Hibley filling in for Dirk Plashal.
02:30Our top story tonight.
02:32The 16 people who were bumped off of commuter flight 137
02:35from Boston to Philadelphia
02:37will be delighted to hear that just hours ago
02:40the plane exploded in midair,
02:42killing all passengers and crew instantly.
02:45Well, it's nice to hear that good luck still applies to some people.
02:48It sure is.
02:51In Chipley, Florida, two-year-old Linda Muggins
02:53has fallen down an abandoned mine shaft.
02:56Her desperate, pitiful cries for help
02:57will no doubt bring much-needed tourist dollars
02:59to this poor and depressed area.
03:01Hang in there, Linda.
03:03Take shallow breaths.
03:05And in other news...
03:06Our country's overpopulation problem
03:10has been dealt yet another positive blow
03:12by the Unabomber,
03:13who just claimed responsibility
03:15for blowing up the Houston Astrodome
03:17and taking the lives of 50,000 sports fans,
03:20many of whom were probably alcoholics and wife beaters.
03:25Well, that is good news.
03:27My wife's purse was once stolen at the Astrodome.
03:29Really? Was it leather?
03:31Imitation.
03:32Rory, how's the weather?
03:33Well, hip, hip, hooray!
03:35A whole lot of weather on the big weather map today.
03:38An 8.5 earthquake tore through Los Angeles today,
03:42where Erin Dolphy is celebrating her 100th birthday!
03:46Happy birthday to you, Erin!
03:48And, ooh, a record breaker down here in Texas!
03:51Good for you, folks!
03:52Yee-haw!
03:53Everything's bigger and better in Texas, isn't it?
03:55And Philadelphia's homeless problem was eliminated
03:58when rare bull lightning ripped through Skid Row!
04:02Back to you, Hal!
04:05Thanks, Rory.
04:07Speaking of the homeless,
04:08there will be a healthy resurgence in their numbers
04:10thanks to today's 200-point dip in the stock market.
04:14Coming up after the break,
04:15a sudden heart attack triples the value
04:17of artist Larry Bogman's paintings.
04:19And this just in, on a sad note,
04:24long-time Happy News anchor Dirk Plishall is dead.
04:27So it looks like a steady gig for me.
04:31Congratulations, Hal!
04:33Thanks.
04:33Ladies and gentlemen,
04:44the king of pop,
04:45Michael Jackson!
04:51Hello.
04:52I'm Michael Jackson.
04:54But, of course, you know that.
04:56And do you know why you know that?
04:57Because I'm a celebrity.
05:00Now, anybody can become famous.
05:02Just ask Kato, Kaelin, Fabio, or the Fat Boys.
05:07But, it's when you can go years without performing
05:09and still be treated like a star
05:11that you'll become a celebrity.
05:13And I'll teach you how to do just that
05:15in my new video,
05:16Maintain the Fame.
05:19It's easy.
05:22Step one,
05:24become an international superstar.
05:26Step two,
05:27send for my new video
05:29and learn how to stay in the headlines
05:30long after people stop respecting you as an artist.
05:34How do you do that?
05:36Step three,
05:38just stay a star,
05:40be bizarre.
05:42Have your penis and buttocks
05:43photographed by your local police department.
05:46Join a cult.
05:47Sell 2,000 tickets to a concert
05:49at a 20,000-seat arena,
05:51fake a fatal illness,
05:52have your wife flown in at gunpoint,
05:53and then seem strangely disinterested
05:55when she suddenly divorces you.
05:57It's fun and it works.
06:00But what do I do when people say,
06:02Michael,
06:03what you're suggesting sounds crazy,
06:05insane.
06:07I turn to my monkey and I say,
06:08Bubbles,
06:09you can't be crazy or insane enough
06:12if you want to maintain the fame.
06:15Remember,
06:16the public gets bored so easily.
06:18That's why I make sure
06:19to change my look constantly.
06:22Change your race,
06:23change your species,
06:24anything you can afford to.
06:26But how are people supposed
06:28to know about it all?
06:30Maybe by having it leaked to the press
06:32by a hateful sister
06:34whom you've never been photographed with
06:36and who has no birth records.
06:40Being a star can be hard.
06:43Or it could be easy
06:45with Maintain the Fame.
06:46To order Michael Jackson's
06:48Maintain the Fame video,
06:49just press the star key
06:50on your telephone
06:50and dial 55501MJ.
06:53Call now
06:54and you'll receive
06:54a special bonus video
06:56explaining how to arrange
06:57your own alien abduction.
07:00Bye for now
07:01and I'll see you in the stars.
07:02Woo!
07:16I don't know me, you know.
07:33Yo, why you 5-0 sweating us, huh?
07:35Yeah, boy!
07:37Like, what's up?
07:38Yo, man, why you got players like that, huh?
07:40Yeah, boy!
07:41Why don't you back up off of us?
07:43Sit down!
07:45You do not pace around in here,
07:47you understand me?
07:48Now, you kids are in an ass of trouble, okay?
07:50I don't need to ask your side of this story
07:52because I have both of you punks
07:53on a surveillance camera
07:54in front of God knows how many witnesses.
07:55Yo, man, I want a lawyer
07:56before I talk to you, bitch!
07:58Park it!
08:00Yeah, one time,
08:02this is like a violation
08:03of our civil rights and whatnot.
08:05Yo, yeah!
08:05That's what that guy
08:06Marvel Lufa X
08:07was marching about, yo!
08:09Let me ask you a question, okay?
08:11What did your daddies
08:13buy you for graduation, huh?
08:17Volkswagen cabriolet?
08:20Range Rover?
08:22But I deserve that
08:23after 400 years of oppression!
08:25Yeah!
08:25Oppression?
08:26You are white!
08:28You are from Malibu!
08:30Yo, man,
08:30that's the south side of Malibu, G!
08:32Yeah, pig!
08:34So why don't you save the drama
08:35for your mama
08:36and let us go?
08:37Yeah, what's the challenge, huh?
08:39You were picked up
08:40under the wannabe act.
08:41Wannabe?
08:42Psh!
08:43Yes.
08:44Looking, talking,
08:45and acting black.
08:47Psh!
08:47Yo, man,
08:48you could keep zooming us
08:49all you like, you know?
08:50What up?
08:50Because we're still down
08:51with the calls
08:52and 911 is still a joke!
08:54Yo!
08:55You want to pull hardcore?
08:56No problem.
08:57Yo, what you gonna do?
08:58You gonna get your thumper buddies
08:59for a blanket party?
09:00Psh!
09:00Yeah, no justice,
09:01no peace!
09:01Yo, yo, yo, white chocolate
09:04in the his house,
09:05you know what I'm saying?
09:07Roger and Todd
09:08and I ain't got no spin-offs.
09:10What's up, boy?
09:11What's up?
09:12Kyle.
09:13Right, right.
09:14Lisa.
09:14Meet white chocolate.
09:17He's with the Beverly Hills division
09:19of our wannabe program.
09:21Take it away, white chocolate.
09:22Psh!
09:23Yo, yo, yo,
09:25I'm a funk monkey
09:26drinking brass monkey
09:27moving crazy,
09:29grooving,
09:29kind of fat,
09:30and I'm hunky.
09:31You know what I'm saying?
09:33Right, right, right.
09:34White chocolate is taken
09:35out of the same corner
09:36as you two.
09:37Listen to the Beatsty Boys,
09:38Vanilla Ice,
09:39Scalping Marky Mark tickets.
09:41Yo, yo, yo, yo,
09:43back in the day,
09:44beat ball,
09:45I used to play dunkin'
09:46crazy, funkin'
09:47on all the honays.
09:48Tenderoni to my left,
09:50skeezer to my right,
09:51smack it up,
09:52flip it.
09:54Get it?
09:56Right, right, right,
09:57words.
09:58This is what happens
10:00when you don't get help.
10:03Y'all ready for this?
10:05Yeah.
10:06Bust a move,
10:06white chocolate.
10:08All right.
10:09Watch this, right?
10:12Uh!
10:12Hey, yo, stop.
10:18Focus in and listen.
10:19Layin' down the funk
10:20while my upper lip glissens.
10:22I got a brother
10:23deep inside me,
10:24makin' me act
10:25like I'm Rodney Allen,
10:26ripping my race,
10:27I'm switchin'.
10:28While I'm wishin'
10:29that I wasn't born,
10:31mallet and deficient,
10:32bustin' a rhyme
10:33on the dope,
10:34on the fly.
10:34My mom drove me to
10:35my first drive-by,
10:37denyin' who I am.
10:38Actin' a fool,
10:39be smart,
10:40fella, papa, yo,
10:41stay in school,
10:42know what I'm sayin'?
10:43This man is out of his gorge.
10:48Okay, you know what?
10:49I wanna get out of here.
10:50I have to go to Neiman Marcus.
10:52Thank you very much,
10:53white chocolate.
10:54Hey, yo, yo,
10:55ain't no thing
10:55but chicken wing,
10:56know what I'm sayin', kid?
10:58Okay, what else do we need
11:00to do to reverse this process?
11:01Sir, you have to help us, please.
11:03Here, take this Hootie
11:04and the Blowfish CD
11:05and listen to every word.
11:08This will help you kids
11:09get back on the right track.
11:10Thank you so much, all of us.
11:11All right, all right.
11:12Thank you, sir.
11:12Get the hell out of here.
11:13Okay.
11:13First thing we gotta do...
11:14Call Mom and Dad
11:15and apologize.
11:16Yeah.
11:27Stewardess!
11:29Stewardess!
11:29Hey, stupid!
11:31Yes, ma'am.
11:32This fan isn't blowing
11:34enough air on me.
11:35The cabin is stifling
11:37and this canned air
11:38is making me sick.
11:39Maybe if we just
11:40turn it like that...
11:41I already tried that
11:43and nothing happened.
11:44I'm sorry, ma'am.
11:45Maybe we should use
11:46larger instruction labels.
11:48Exactly.
11:49I can't believe
11:51my son paid over $500
11:52for my ticket
11:53and I can't get
11:54a little respect.
11:59Oh, what's your problem?
12:00Mom, you don't have
12:01tuberculosis, do you?
12:05Great.
12:06Now it's freezing.
12:11Can I just get by here?
12:12No way, mister.
12:13I have to go to the bathroom.
12:14Well, you should have thought
12:15about that before we took off.
12:17Look, I just need to get by
12:18to go to the bathroom.
12:19Well, then, here.
12:20Use this.
12:23Do you mind?
12:25I barely have enough room
12:27to live back here,
12:27you inconsiderate slut.
12:29What?
12:30I said,
12:31your seat is too far back,
12:34or you rude bastard.
12:35What?
12:36Stewardess!
12:38Stewardess!
12:38Yes, ma'am.
12:39What now?
12:40This man had a seat reclined.
12:41I'm sorry, ma'am,
12:42but he can recline
12:43his seat back.
12:44It's not his seat back.
12:45It's my seat front.
12:47You people have no manners.
12:48I want to speak
12:49to the captain.
12:50I'm sorry, ma'am,
12:50the captain is very busy.
12:51We're at 30,000 feet here.
12:53I don't care.
12:54I want this man
12:55kicked off the plane.
12:55Oh, for crying out loud.
12:57Here.
12:58You happy now?
13:00Anything else, ma'am?
13:01Yes.
13:02Now I can't see the movie.
13:04Ma'am, the movie
13:04hasn't started yet.
13:05Well, how would I know that?
13:07This rude bastard's
13:08big, fat hat is in my wing.
13:12Don't shake fresh.
13:14Stewardess!
13:16Stewardess!
13:17Yes, ma'am.
13:18There you are.
13:19I want a chocolate milkshake.
13:21I don't know.
13:21Oh!
13:23Oh!
13:23Oh!
13:24What are you doing?
13:25What are you doing?
13:25I'm doing it.
13:27I specifically asked
13:29for a non-smoking point.
13:32Stop!
13:32Oh, stewardess,
13:41this leg is gamey.
13:43I specifically asked
13:44for white meat
13:45with mint jelly.
13:48And where's that chocolate shake
13:50I asked for two weeks ago?
13:52Stewardess!
13:54Stewardess!
13:56Oh, stinking airline.
13:58Yes,bergine.
14:01What?
14:02Good.
14:21Good.
14:23Umm, just kidding.
14:26I don't know.
14:56Come on!
14:58Come on, come on!
15:24Davy, breakfast!
15:29Morning, son.
15:31Hurry up, Davy. Did you forget?
15:33You promised that you'd help clean out the septic tank at the school.
15:37Oh, boy! The septic tank!
15:43Morning, Davy. Aren't you forgetting something?
15:50Oh, do I have to, Goliath?
15:53You have to cleanse the city, Davy.
15:55Aw.
15:59Look at that slut.
16:02Why don't you kill both of them, Davy?
16:04No one will see you.
16:06No, Goliath!
16:08Oh!
16:10I told you to kill them! Do as I command!
16:13All right, I'll do it. But this is the last time, and then you'll leave me alone. Promise, Goliath?
16:19Okay, Davy. Whatever you say.
16:21I am not well. Not at all.
16:23I need more blood, Davy.
16:2425 people are already dead. Aren't you satisfied, Goliath? Why do you make me kill people?
16:25Well, Davy, sometimes when people are flaming sociopaths, their brain comes up with an excuse for their deviant behavior. And I'm your excuse, Davy.
16:41Gee, I never thought of it that way. Thanks, Goliath!
16:43Davy, who are you talking to?
16:45No one more!
16:46You and your imaginary friends, Davy.
16:50Hmm.
16:51Good work.
16:53Oh.
16:55Ah!
17:00Ah!
17:02Ah!
17:03Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:06Ah!
17:07Ah!
17:08Ah!
17:10Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:13Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:15Good work, Davy. They were laughing at you.
17:21What's the matter?
17:22I'm worried about Davy. I think he should see a psychiatrist.
17:27Kill and die to live. Hmm. I'm sure it's just a phase. I'll have to have a talk with him.
17:34Mom, Dad, the world is growing very dark.
17:41What?
17:42We have you surrounded. Give yourself up.
17:45Hands in the head. Freeze!
17:52Oh, Davy. Oh, my baby.
17:55What's going on here?
17:57Your kid's the son of Goliath. He's killed a whole bunch of people.
18:00Dear, dear. Oh, my golly.
18:03Well, you got me. Hmm.
18:07Well, Davy, I hope being sent to prison for the rest of your life has taught you a valuable lesson.
18:12Yes, sir. I've learned that it's wrong to shoot people in parked cars.
18:17Goodbye forever, Davy.
18:22Davy.
18:23I don't have to listen to you anymore, Goliath, because I found God.
18:29But, Davy, God is dog spelled backwards.
18:33Oh, no.
18:34It's time to cleanse the prison, Davy.
18:38Oh, Goliath.
18:40Hmm.
18:40So, uh, Lisa and I saw a casino last night.
18:51Oh, really?
18:52I saw it last week, man. It was pretty good.
18:54See, now, I thought it was too long.
18:55Are you serious? I liked it.
18:56Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
18:57We don't need to go there, do we?
18:59Go where?
19:00I'll handle this. Let's just bring it down.
19:03We okay?
19:05We were okay to begin with, man.
19:06Whoa!
19:07Where'd that come from?
19:09I'm sorry, man. I'm really sorry. Just give him some room.
19:11Rory, Rory, Rory, I'm fine.
19:13Look, you may say you're fine, but you and I both know that you're not.
19:16Rory, what exactly are you talking about?
19:18Not down, man. He's really pissed off at you.
19:20I don't know why you keep pushing his buttons.
19:21What did he do?
19:23You gonna tell him what you did?
19:25Wait, man. I didn't do nothing. This is ridiculous.
19:27All right, don't be stupid. You guys have been friends a long time.
19:29This is not worth it.
19:30What isn't worth it?
19:31Relax. Calm down.
19:33I'm calm.
19:34Rory, we are both calm. You're the one who came in here.
19:37No, no, no, just shut up for a sec.
19:38You came in here and there was no...
19:39Hey, hey, hey, hey. Do not tell me to shut up.
19:41Okay, you guys are getting riled up. You're getting all riled up. Calm down.
19:44I am not riled up. I just don't like being told to shut up.
19:47Shut up for a minute.
19:47Yo, I just want you.
19:49Do not let him turn this into a black thing.
19:50What black thing?
19:52What is going on?
19:52Just hold on for a second, man. Just relax. Relax.
19:56I'm relaxed.
19:57If you got something to say to me, say it.
19:59I... Why are you yelling at me?
20:01I'm trying... Well, you are starting to piss me off.
20:03Oh, really?
20:03Really?
20:04Guys!
20:04Stay out of this!
20:05Anything I can do?
20:06No!
20:07Fine, I tried.
20:08What?
20:09You...
20:09What happened here?
20:16I don't know.
20:18Are you cool?
20:19I'm cool. I'm cool.
20:20All right, then we're both cool.
20:22Huh.
20:23Where were we?
20:23I was saying casino is too long.
20:27Oh, yeah.
20:27I remember you saying that.
20:29What did you mean by that?
20:31What do you mean?
20:32What do I mean by that?
20:33I mean, what did you mean by that?
20:34Why are you getting in my face right now?
20:36I'm not getting in your face.
20:36You're getting in my face that casino is too long.
20:38Black crap.
20:39Black crap?
20:39I don't think it's casino is too long.
20:41What do you mean by that?
20:42I don't mean anything.
20:43What do you mean by that?
20:45Coming up on MADtv...
20:48Goldie?
20:50No, Goldie's the blonde.
20:52I'm Whoopi.
20:53You are doing this!
20:54You are sashaying!
20:55Right here, that's sashaying!
20:56This is a sword!
20:57That's a freaking sashaying!
20:59Let's check your replays, okay?
21:00Okay, Doc.
21:02Defiance!
21:03Defiance!
21:04Brrrr!
21:07You are now watching MADtv...
21:10Hello, Mr. Johnson.
21:18Heya, Doc.
21:19How you feeling today?
21:20Ah, not so good, Doc.
21:22I feel bad all over.
21:23I don't know what it is.
21:24I'm tired all the time,
21:26and I'm really, really cold,
21:27like I got frostbite from the waist up or something.
21:31My throat's always sore,
21:33like I've been screaming at the top of my lungs.
21:36Okay, say, ah.
21:38Ah!
21:40Okay.
21:40I'm constantly nauseous.
21:42My stomach feels like I've been eating nothing
21:44but hot dogs and corn chips all day.
21:46And I'm always belching.
21:48Are you sleeping all right?
21:49Yeah, but when I wake up,
21:51I always feel like I got a hangover or something.
21:53Sometimes I got these mysterious fat lips and black eyes,
21:56like I've been in a fight or something.
21:58But I can't remember.
21:59And I always got this awful, horrible beer taste in my mouth.
22:03And I always gotta pee.
22:04Doc, I mean always.
22:07Let's check your reflexes, okay?
22:08Okay, Doc.
22:09Whoa!
22:13Okay.
22:14Excuse me.
22:17Defense!
22:18Defense!
22:19So what is it, Doc?
22:24What do you think?
22:26I'm afraid it's serious, Mr. Johnson.
22:28What is it, Doc?
22:29Geez, there's really no easy way to say this.
22:34Chuck, you're an asshole.
22:37Oh, my God!
22:40Is there anything I can do?
22:41Chuck, if you'd come to me at the start of the season, maybe.
22:44But I'm afraid it's spread too far.
22:46Oh, boy.
22:47I never thought it would happen to me.
22:50Is there anything I can do?
22:52I'd be happy to break the news to your family.
22:53Nah.
22:54Yeah, that's all right, Doc.
22:55I'll call him at halftime.
22:58Good luck, Chuck.
22:59Thanks.
23:02I'll have another double-triple espresso, please.
23:18Make it two, with the coffee on the side.
23:19I've got something big to say to my woman,
23:21and I'm finally ready to say it.
23:24Hey!
23:25Hi!
23:27Sorry, I'm late, Nick.
23:28I'm glad you called me.
23:29I really wanted to talk to you.
23:30Me too, Paula.
23:31I know we haven't been dating that long,
23:32but the time we spent together has been great.
23:34Yeah, it has been, but I really need to talk to you about them.
23:36Wait, wait, Paula.
23:36I've always been attracted to you,
23:37but my feelings have grown, really grown.
23:39I know, Nick.
23:40It's just that I need to say something.
23:41Paula, your lease is up next month,
23:42and my place is plenty big.
23:43Can we get those coffees, please?
23:45There's an extra room for all your pottery.
23:47Paula, I was born to be with you.
23:49Nick, could you slow it down for just one second?
23:51Slow it down?
23:51I am slowing it down.
23:52I'm slow.
23:52I'm just a little excited,
23:53because, Paula, I came here tonight
23:55to ask you to move in with me.
23:57When I'm with you, I feel totally relaxed.
23:58I can be myself.
23:59Hey, when we're together,
24:00we can snuggle every single day.
24:02I like your friends.
24:03You like my friends.
24:03I like your parents.
24:04Nick, I need to say something.
24:06You have to listen to me for just two minutes.
24:07Paula, I know we've only known each other
24:08through the winter months,
24:09but you're going to find out come summer.
24:10I am one hell of a barbecuer.
24:12Nick, Nick, is this hair?
24:13Is this your hair?
24:15Yeah, I pulled some hair out.
24:16I've been thinking really hard
24:17trying to figure out a way to ask you this.
24:19I've been thinking and thinking
24:20and thinking and thinking about you.
24:22Hey, we can jog in the park every day.
24:24Okay, Nick, damn it.
24:25You're not listening to me.
24:26You have to understand,
24:27this relationship is not working for me.
24:29There, I said it.
24:30Did I mention I've got Central Air
24:32and a big screen TV
24:32with picture and a picture and a picture?
24:34Sega!
24:34Nick, you're making this really hard on your...
24:36No, no, no, no, no, Paula.
24:38You're going to hear me out.
24:40I'd like some more coffee, please!
24:42Did I mention I've got one of those VCRs
24:44that tapes two things at one time?
24:46And my mother's got life insurance,
24:47and when she dies,
24:48I'm going to put in a jacuzzi.
24:49Nick, you're a really nice guy,
24:51but I really...
24:51Paula, I've got stuff to say
24:52and I'm going to say it.
24:53I've had 127 double-triple espessos
24:54in the past two and a half days
24:55trying to figure out a way
24:56to tell you we were meant to be together.
24:57Did I bring you to a bar
24:58like some slime ball to ask you this?
25:00No.
25:00No!
25:00I brought you to a coffee house
25:02so I'd be wide awake
25:03when you gave me the answer
25:03and make me the happiest man in the world.
25:05Remember that time
25:06you told me you liked Scotty dogs?
25:07Yeah.
25:07Well, I just redid the entire house
25:09and pink wallpaper
25:10with hundreds of thousands
25:11of little Scotty dogs everywhere.
25:12Woo!
25:13Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
25:13Nick!
25:14Well, perfect, you have a Paula.
25:15Perfect, perfect, perfect.
25:16No, Nick.
25:17No, no, no.
25:18Perfect!
25:19No!
25:19Perfect!
25:20No!
25:20Perfect, perfect, perfect!
25:22No!
25:27I'm sorry, Nick.
25:29I have to go.
25:31I will call you maybe next week.
25:34Next week, eh?
25:36You can call me anytime
25:36between now and July
25:37and I'll still be wide awake, thinking really, really clearly about what a jackass I am
25:41and staring out at that stupid wallpaper with all those stupid little dogs everywhere.
25:46Hi!
25:53Anybody want to go bowling? Run some wind sprints?
25:55Drive to Canada? They got an all-night go-kart place open on Route 41.
25:58Anybody want to go? Anybody want to go?
26:00Hey! I need a roommate. Want to come see my place?
26:02I got to say to Jesus, open the wallpaper from somebody again, you decaf.
26:06Uh-oh, uh-oh.
26:07Help!
26:12Help!
26:13Help!
26:22Hey!
26:24Hey, you didn't lock me up. I want to play.
26:28Cool. Now, could you help us with up the net?
26:31Mm-hmm.
26:37Man!
26:38Uh, come on! Yes! Yes! Uh, come on! Come on!
26:41Look, Miles, we don't want to see you go to jail here, man. And you certainly don't want to go to jail, do you, Miles?
26:50But the fact is, we found, what was it?
26:53Two kilos!
26:54Two kilos in the trunk of your car, man. And we found you driving the car. And we also found, what was it?
27:02A Browning 9-millimeter!
27:03Yeah! An unregistered handgun! Now, Miles, I don't have to take...
27:08Illegal search and seizure. Now, why don't you two just go disturb the ass somewhere else while I wait for my lawyer to get down here with his get-out-of-jail-free car?
27:16Hey, your lawyer can bring deeds from Park Place and Boardwalk, plus both utilities. We've got enough evidence on you to gulag your ass until 2525!
27:25Now, either you give up the connection and take half of that with parole, or you take the whole fall for him!
27:30Hey, you know what? You know what? Give me five minutes with this scum, and I'll get him talking!
27:34Whoa, Miles, come on! I can't handle him when he's like this! Come on, man!
27:37Oh, geez, guys, this is great. But I think Jack Webb did it better last Wednesday on Nick at Night.
27:43Good cop, bad cop. Ooh, scary.
27:50Son of a bitch! What do you want? He's a career criminal. He's in here every day.
27:55I know, but I just want to get something on him before he walks.
27:58All right, all right. Let's try confused cop, nauseous cop.
28:01Good, good, good.
28:04Uh, now, Miles, you gotta help me out here. I'm all muddled up. I gotta get this straight.
28:09Who did you say sold you the drugs?
28:11Oh, God. If you don't answer him, I think I'm gonna puke.
28:15Confused cop, nauseous cop. It's 96, baby. Get a life, all right?
28:19Damn! He's good. He's good.
28:21All right, all right. Let's try opera cop werewolf.
28:24Done, done.
28:26Oh, where? Oh, where did you get the drugs from?
28:34Oh, the moon is full. I feel it's cold. The moon! The moon!
28:42Werewolf cop. Singing cop.
28:44No, not singing cop. It's opera cop. I was clearly doing an aria from Carmen.
28:48All right, all right. Let it go. Let it go, Fred.
28:51Gotcha.
28:53Oh, you're gonna tell us who sold you the drugs.
28:57You are gonna tell us who sold you the drugs.
29:00Smile, smiles, everyone.
29:02Jackie Gleason cop.
29:03Ricardo Montalban cop.
29:05Right, right, right. Now what are we doing? Watch.
29:07Ba-da-ba-ya, ba-da-ba-ya.
29:10Sashay cop.
29:11Shimmy cop.
29:12On the nose!
29:13No, not on the nose.
29:14What? You were doing sashay cop.
29:15No, I was clearly sauntering.
29:17You weren't doing this. You were sashaying.
29:19Right, yeah, that's sashaying. This is a saunter.
29:21That's a freaking sashay.
29:23It is not your shirt.
29:24Andy Corbin. Andy Corbin.
29:26I do not have time for this, okay?
29:32Nice.
29:33It's your shirt cop. Cop who loves baked beans.
29:35Damn.
29:36Damn.
29:39All right, look. We're just gonna have to talk to you as ourselves here.
29:42Right, no more at his game plan.
29:44Stupid cop. Cop was on the take.
29:47Hey, who are you calling stupid?
29:49Who are you calling dirty?
29:50That's your choice, really.
29:51Cop who hits like my grandma.
29:54Oh, barely hurting me, cop.
29:56Two cops are gonna get sued by the ACLU.
29:59Two cops who I better not catch when they're off-duty.
30:02Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
30:05Okay, come on.
30:07Come on.
30:24Who are you?
30:25Goldie.
30:26No, Goldie's the blonde. I'm Whoopi.
30:29Right, right. Whoopi.
30:31Yes.
30:32I really hate to bother you, but I just had to come back here and talk to you.
30:35I am a huge fan.
30:37Yeah.
30:38All my friends say that I remind them of you.
30:40Oh, do they?
30:41Yeah.
30:42They say we look exactly alike.
30:43Well, you're much cuter than I am.
30:45No, I'm not.
30:46But you're right.
30:48You know?
30:49Come on.
30:50Come on.
30:51It's like looking in the mirror with you.
30:53It's like I am you.
30:55You know?
30:56Like, you are a reflection of me.
30:58I can do all your characters.
30:59Look, look, look.
31:00I'm so cold.
31:01I'm so cold and hungry.
31:03Like, totally bitching.
31:05Oh, my God.
31:06Like, totally bitching.
31:07I'm saving so much money with my long distance.
31:10It's not even funny.
31:11Okay.
31:12Okay.
31:13That was really good.
31:14That was really good.
31:15So, you...
31:17You wanna be...
31:18Yeah, okay.
31:19Well, you know what?
31:20You got it.
31:21Really?
31:22Yeah, you're me.
31:23Oh, God.
31:24Just like that.
31:25Just like that.
31:26Okay.
31:27No, come on.
31:28Your dream has come true.
31:29Okay.
31:30Let's see how you like being me.
31:31Okay.
31:32Well, what is it that I'm doing exactly?
31:33Excuse me.
31:34Excuse me, Goldie?
31:36Goldie.
31:37Goldie?
31:38Uh, that's Whoopi.
31:40Whoopi.
31:41Thank you so much for acknowledging my presence.
31:45The years I've dreamed of us being together.
31:50What?
31:51We're gonna get married.
31:53We're gonna get married.
31:54Jesus said so.
31:55I don't like this.
31:56I don't wanna be you anymore.
31:57Listen to me.
31:58Listen to me.
31:59I have to show you the cave that I hollowed out under the school where both of me and you
32:02can live with drapes and couches and we'll have hundreds of little doggies and children
32:06that we can eat to gain their spirit and strength.
32:08Don't get her, man.
32:09Go get that Whoopi.
32:10She wants you.
32:11Go ahead.
32:12Look, Whoopi's getting away.
32:13Hurry up, man.
32:14Goldie.
32:15Where the hell is cans of beer back there?
32:16Give me your pants.
32:17Give me your pants.
32:18Give me your pants.
32:20Ronnie Cofill exists.
32:21What do you want to do?
32:23Yes.
32:24Come ref, Jim!
32:26No!
32:32Do you want some fish?
32:35Do you want some fish?
32:43Coming soon on mad TV. Hey, maybe it's a caveman
32:55Hey, what's your freakin' problem? Next time you bury a guy, make sure he's dead first!
33:00Volare to you, Mr. Boyardee!
33:03Oh, Anna, I am so sorry for your loss. The company is going to sorely miss him. I mean, he was the heart and soul of UBS delivery.
33:25Thank you, you're very kind.
33:27My god, a heart attack at 50, that's so young.
33:30I know, he was fine, you know, and then, uh, the past couple of years, something at work just really seemed to get to him.
33:37Got a flower delivery for the O'Malley way?
33:40Jack, what are you doing here?
33:42Oh, hey, good to see you too, Ms. Berry. Yeah, well, see, I saw Mr. O'Malley's name on these flowers down at the distribution center,
33:47and I thought, oh, I should totally be down there, you know, like, paying my last respects and everything.
33:50So, I talked to Ronnie in dispatch and letting me take it, even though it's not on my route, and so here I am.
33:55Nice dress.
33:56It's a funeral dress.
33:57Yeah, good choice. Really brings out your grief.
34:00Great, terrific, all right, thank you, thank you so much.
34:03You know, it really stinks in here. I mean, in a good way.
34:06Is that him over there?
34:08Yes, I really...
34:09Mind if I go say a few words?
34:10All right, but please make it quick.
34:12No problem.
34:14Hey, Ms. O'Malley, sorry about the big guy.
34:20He looks good.
34:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:22It's almost like he's not dead, you know?
34:24You all suspect him to jump up out of there and go, I'm okay, I'm ready back to work.
34:27Of course, he's not gonna do that.
34:30No, no, no.
34:31No way.
34:32Of course, it'd be really weird if he did, wouldn't it?
34:35Yeah.
34:36That would totally bring me back.
34:40Whoa, heavy.
34:46Hey, Mr. O'Malley, it's me, Jack.
34:52Sorry you're dead and stuff, but I really liked working with you.
34:56I mean, we never got to talk all that much, you know, because your door was always closing
34:59just as I was walking by.
35:00I just wanted you to know that I got those overseas packages out on time, so that's done.
35:05And trick number 16 still has a lazy clutch.
35:07I mean, I mentioned it a while ago, but it still hasn't been fixed.
35:09So, I mean, it's really hard going up hills, you know, because it's like, you never know
35:12what it's gonna do, right?
35:13You're just like, you know?
35:14I mean, I guess it's not really your problem, huh?
35:17So, I guess that's it.
35:20Take it easy.
35:21That was weird.
35:33I never touched a dead guy before, you know?
35:35It really makes you think, you know?
35:37Like, I was thinking, you know, with the Vice President dying, there's a position open
35:40at the company, which means you have to be like, whoosh, a big shift upwards, you know?
35:43I can't talk about this right now.
35:45Oh, yeah.
35:46Sorry.
35:47Jack, what are you getting at?
35:48Well, see, I got the whole company tree in my head.
35:50You become Vice President, Park takes your job, which means that Atterbury or Ronnie
35:53becomes Supervisor, you know, because Fox is a foreman, right?
35:55So, one of the drivers has become the new dispatcher, right?
35:57I mean, whoever you pick, it's gotta be like, you know, somebody, I mean, somebody, you know?
36:00Who, uh, you know, really is like, out there, you know, really is how to, phew, take initiative,
36:04you know?
36:05Jack, there might be a change in the company, and there might not be, but this is not the
36:08time to talk about it.
36:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:10But, like, you know, he's being buried at Colmway Gardens, right?
36:12Yes.
36:13I could totally take him.
36:14You know, phew, 15 minutes, you know?
36:15I mean, no problem at all, you know?
36:16I mean, that's like, phew, initiative, you know?
36:19Jack.
36:20No, no, think about it, think about it.
36:21There's lots of room in the back of the truck.
36:22I'd have to pack him a lot tighter than this, you know?
36:24Because with all this room between him and the lid, he's gonna, like, bounce around,
36:26like, go, go, go, go, you know?
36:29But I figure, you know, like, four or five hundred styrofoam peanuts in there, totally do
36:32the job.
36:33Anybody got any duct tape?
36:35Get him out of here.
36:38Jack, you are not getting that dispatcher job, and if you don't leave right now, you are fired.
36:44Whoa.
36:45Okay.
36:46Got that.
36:47Good.
36:48But if you change mine, you know, I'll be ready.
36:52Ouch!
36:53Okay.
36:54See you later, Miss O'Malley.
36:55I mean, hopefully, like, a whole lot later.
37:01From the producers of Rock, Paper, Scissors comes this summer's biggest matchup.
37:15Dennis Hopper is odds.
37:17Three, man.
37:18Three.
37:19Clint Eastwood is evens.
37:21Two.
37:22Punk.
37:23Don't be the odd man out.
37:24Even you can catch the action.
37:30God, isn't this a nice place?
37:45Yes, it is a nice place.
37:46Yeah.
37:47Hello, and welcome to Marshalls.
37:48May I take your order?
37:49Uh, just a few more minutes, okay?
37:51Fine.
37:52Take your time.
37:53Okay.
37:56God, I could never be a waiter.
37:58Ugh, I hated it when I was.
38:00Although, you know, we never would have met if you weren't.
38:02I know.
38:04Ellen, I love you.
38:06I love you too, Jane.
38:07How are we doing over here?
38:08Do you want to hear the specials?
38:09We have some wonderful specials tonight here at Marshalls.
38:12Uh, no, we're all right.
38:13We're just trying to talk.
38:14We can see the specials on the chalkboard.
38:16Yeah.
38:17Wonderful, wonderful.
38:18Take your time.
38:19Okay.
38:20All right.
38:22Ugh.
38:23Now, where were we?
38:24I was telling you that I loved you.
38:25Oh, right, right.
38:26And I love you too, and this type of thing is kind of hard for me.
38:30I'm really not used to doing it, but we've been seeing each other for a while now.
38:34How is everything?
38:35Can I get you anything?
38:36Anything at all?
38:38We're fine.
38:39We'll let you know.
38:40Of course.
38:41Okay.
38:42Of course you will.
38:43We will.
38:44Okay.
38:45All right.
38:46Um, anyway, uh, I love you, and, uh, I know I'm not the handsomest guy in the world,
38:53but, um, but you'd make me the happiest guy in the world.
38:56Now, is this table okay?
38:57Because we have another table over by the window.
38:59If you prefer, a lot of customers prefer sitting by the window.
39:01No, we're just trying to have a conversation here.
39:03We'll let you know if anything's wrong.
39:05Just checking.
39:06See, we here at Marshalls like to put our customers number one.
39:08Great.
39:09That's great.
39:10Indeed.
39:11Indeed it is.
39:12Yeah.
39:13Ha, ha, ha.
39:14You're saying...
39:15Yeah, I was trying to say that I...
39:18Now, you'll excuse me one second.
39:19Just...
39:20Sure.
39:21Yeah, that's great.
39:22Sorry.
39:24Uh...
39:25Oh, that's cute.
39:27It is.
39:28It is.
39:29Okay.
39:30Uh, listen, Ellen, before she comes back...
39:32Yes?
39:33I love you.
39:34I've never loved anyone like...
39:35Suck my what?
39:36Pardon me!
39:37I'm sorry.
39:38I thought I heard you calling me.
39:39I'm sorry.
39:40Please continue.
39:41Please.
39:42All right.
39:43Yeah.
39:44Anyway, I really love you.
39:46I love you so much.
39:47Mr. Chang?
39:48Who?
39:49Is there a Mr. Song Wu Chang at this table?
39:52No.
39:53No, there isn't.
39:54Hmm.
39:57Look, Jamie, I know what you're trying to ask me.
39:59And so we're ready to order yet.
40:01No!
40:02Okay.
40:03Geez.
40:04Ellen, will you please...
40:05Brent!
40:06Oh!
40:07Ellen, will you please marry...
40:08And butter!
40:10Ellen, will you marry me?
40:11Yes!
40:12Great!
40:13Oh, Jamie, I love you.
40:14I love you too!
40:15Fine!
40:16Fine!
40:17Okay!
40:18Okay!
40:19Let's order!
40:20Okay!
40:21Excuse me, waitress!
40:22Excuse me?
40:23Waitress, excuse me!
40:24Hello?
40:25Hello?
40:26I only have...
40:27Two hands!
40:36It looks as though we're out of time.
40:38Hey!
40:39Thanks for watching Mad TV!
40:40Thank you!
40:41Be sure to tune in next time!
40:42We're gonna...
40:43Oh, my God!
40:44Oh, my God!
40:45Oh, my God!
40:46Mary!
40:47Look at that coat!
40:48Hi!
40:49Woo!
40:50Woo!
40:51Ground floor!
40:52Mary, you okay?
40:53Yeah, I just feel safe!
40:54God, maybe we should get us to the hospital.
40:56No, no, no!
40:57You know, I'm just getting in Schaefer next to your show.
41:00You're gonna feel that in the morning!
41:02Oh, yeah!
41:03Hey, look!
41:04A bell tower!
41:05Mary, no!
41:06No, no, no, no, no!
41:07Oh, Mary!
41:08Ah, let her go!
41:09Good night!
41:10Forget about it!
41:11Hey!
41:12Ha, ha!
41:13I'm Awards!
41:14New Elijah's party's party's party, come on!
41:16Oh, I have it!
41:17I have it!
41:18I have the sexiest inner-tripes on TV!
41:21Party Raw, next week!
41:23Jab import the line on TV.
41:26Investigative ty hearse...
41:28Morning, episode 3.
41:31Podcast 3 of Chris White okay everything.
41:32materials are zuk my mask.
41:34Well, I'm going to leave out for a cheerleader,
Recommended
42:34
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