- 16 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 10
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01You are now watching the TV.
00:06I had a really good time tonight.
00:08Yeah, me too.
00:09Really? Yeah.
00:10I'm sorry if I seemed a little bit tense.
00:12I don't go on dates very often.
00:13No, no, don't worry about it.
00:14I get kind of stressed out.
00:16You know, it's such a killer stress.
00:18That's why you gotta have an outlet for it.
00:19Me, I run.
00:20Oh, really?
00:21Yeah.
00:22You know, I run and I can actually feel the stress of the workday.
00:24Just leave me after a good run.
00:25Oh, wow.
00:26See, I tried running, but I have bad ankles.
00:28It kind of runs in the family.
00:29Yeah.
00:30So what do you do to relieve stress?
00:31Oh, me?
00:32Yeah.
00:33Couple minutes on the old guitar seems to do the trick.
00:35Really?
00:36Yeah.
00:37Well, you know, would you mind for me?
00:39Oh, no.
00:40Oh, come on.
00:41Oh, no, no.
00:42Please, please.
00:43Don't be embarrassed.
00:44Okay.
00:45I'd love it.
00:46I'd be great.
00:47I'm kind of a beginner, so you have to bear with me.
00:49Better than me.
00:55Okay.
00:56Here goes.
00:57You know, I'm feeling kind of stressed right now.
00:58I think I'm going to go for a run.
00:59Oh, okay.
01:00Call me.
01:01Okay.
01:02Okay.
01:03You know, I'm feeling kind of stressed right now.
01:18I think I'm going to go for a run.
01:20Call me.
01:20Okay.
01:33Hey, come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:42Hey, hey, you're some crazy.
02:00Hey, hey.
02:03You're so crazy
02:07You don't need one
02:11You don't need one
02:17You don't mind watching the TV
02:20Welcome to MADtv.
02:30We've got a great show for you.
02:31So please sit back and enjoy.
02:39My fellow Americans,
02:41our debt is over $4.9 trillion
02:43and we're no closer to achieving a balanced budget
02:45than we were when I took office.
02:46I feel your pain.
02:48And all the haggling I could do with the Republicans
02:50and Congress isn't going to stop your grandchildren
02:52from being saddled with this huge deficit.
02:54But I promised you a zero deficit before my term is over,
02:57and I'm a man of my word.
02:59That's why everything must go.
03:01That's right, the United States is going out of business
03:03with a star-spangled presidential sale that's insane.
03:07How about Mount Rushmore?
03:09Buy Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln
03:10and we're throwing Roosevelt absolutely free.
03:12Carb your old face in it.
03:13Hell, car mine.
03:14Originally $50 million,
03:15now only $299.99.
03:17That's $299.99.
03:19Do you love the outdoors?
03:20Well, then why not buy Yellowstone,
03:22just one of our many national park tourbusters?
03:24From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream waters,
03:26this land was made for you to buy at just pennies an acre.
03:29Looking for land to turn into theme parks?
03:31Then how about the Love Canal
03:32and other shameful ecological disaster sites?
03:34Imagine, six flags over Three Mile Island.
03:37Then why not buy your own federal prison?
03:39Balsam, Leavenworth, Sing Sing,
03:40tap into a pile of ungrowing workforce
03:42to tackle those big projects around the house.
03:44How can I slash these prices when I can't slash the budget?
03:47Simple, I'm insane.
03:49Urban gangbangers, be the first in your hood
03:51to become a nuclear power.
03:52Buy a six pack of missiles and we'll throw in a sideload.
03:55Call now and get absolutely free contraband
03:57from our grab bag of seized property
03:59from convicted drug dealers.
04:01Hurry, because the country's going fast.
04:03Remember, the U.S. stands for USAID.
04:06Call right now, 1-555-01-US-BROKE.
04:10Operators are standing by.
04:11All sales final, no refunds, no dealers.
04:31Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
04:36What is the deal with these polls?
04:40I mean, who decides who gets to be polled?
04:42Is there another poll for that?
04:46And who are these undeciders?
04:48Nobody is more undecided than me,
04:50and I've never been polled.
04:52I say, if you can't make up your mind,
04:54you pretty much ought to stay out of the poll.
04:56Who is it?
05:05Ron Brown.
05:06Who?
05:07Your Secretary of Commerce.
05:09Come on up.
05:12We're dying, Mr. President.
05:14We are dying.
05:16What are you talking about?
05:17The polls.
05:18We're trailing in the polls.
05:19We are going to lose this election.
05:20Why are my numbers so bad?
05:22I'm supposed to be the new JFK.
05:23Well, between shredding evidence, refusing subpoenas,
05:26and sending troops overseas,
05:27they think you're more like the old Nixons.
05:29So, it's Nixon.
05:30I thought it was because it was waffling our policy.
05:32Waffling?
05:33Waffling.
05:34It goes deeper than waffles, my friend.
05:35It goes deeper than waffles?
05:36Much deeper than waffles.
05:37What could go deeper than waffles?
05:41Hey, what shit?
05:42You're the Vice President, don't you know?
05:47We're down in the polls.
05:49We're down in the polls?
05:50Yeah.
05:51Where have you been?
05:52Hawaii.
05:53You're campaigning in Hawaii?
05:55Yeah.
05:56Everybody forgets about Hawaii.
05:57Hawaii is our secret weapon.
05:59Hawaii.
06:01Yeah, I hooked up with a ho.
06:03Oh, no.
06:04Did you know me?
06:05No.
06:06Not a ho.
06:07Don Ho.
06:08He's doing a fundraiser for you.
06:10Hawaii?
06:11It's for electoral votes.
06:13That's the problem.
06:14He's campaigning in Hawaii.
06:16You gotta go do something.
06:18Oh, you got it, Chief.
06:23You are not gonna believe this.
06:26I have some bad news.
06:27What?
06:28What?
06:29What?
06:30Another healthcare plan?
06:31You know that whole little whitewater thing?
06:33Well, I was with Vince Foster that night.
06:37He tried the move on me.
06:39He tried the move on you?
06:41Yes!
06:42He tried the move and that was it.
06:44It was too much for him.
06:45I can't believe it.
06:46I teach him the move, then he turns around and tries the move on you.
06:50You are the one who taught him the move?
06:52Well, at least he'll never do the move again.
06:54The move is no more.
06:55The move is nothing.
06:56That's it?
06:57We'll do nothing.
06:58Nothing?
06:59Absolutely nothing.
07:00We've done nothing so far.
07:02I know.
07:03It's perfect.
07:04Let me get this straight.
07:07This is a presidency about nothing?
07:10Exactly.
07:11Healthcare reform?
07:13Nothing.
07:14Middle-class tax cut?
07:15Nothing.
07:16Balanced budget?
07:17Nothing.
07:18This is great.
07:19Hot dee-dog.
07:20I did it.
07:21What?
07:22I just got a bill through Congress that's gonna balance the budget by the end of the year.
07:27Why did you do that?
07:28You're ruining the plan.
07:30We're supposed to be doing nothing now.
07:33Wait, wait, wait a minute.
07:34First you tell me I'm doing nothing, so you tell me to go out and do something.
07:36Then I go out and do something, and now you tell me I'm supposed to do nothing.
07:39What's going on here?
07:40Don't you understand?
07:41When you do something, people can get mad.
07:43But when you do nothing, there's nothing to get mad about.
07:47Get out!
07:48Go!
07:49Listen here, pal.
07:50If you do nothing, who is going to break promises?
07:53Who is going to deny charges?
07:54Who is going to lie about their past?
07:57Hello, Clint Felder.
08:00Hello, Newton.
08:02I hear there's gonna be a vacancy in your building.
08:06What are you talking about?
08:07This is your last season!
08:10So, see that Beatle anthology last month?
08:25Yeah, it was great.
08:26Very informative.
08:27You know, I had no idea that John Lennon was dead.
08:30You had no idea John Lennon died?
08:31He died like 15 years ago.
08:33Well, I had no idea.
08:35I guess that's why everybody was making those comparisons to Lennon when Kurt Cobain killed himself.
08:39Kurt Cobain killed himself?
08:41Yeah.
08:42Yeah, that must be why Courtney Love was so bummed out.
08:44What are you talking about?
08:45She was his wife.
08:46Wait a minute.
08:47Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were married?
08:49Yeah.
08:50I had no idea.
08:51Yeah, well, it's true.
08:52Wow, that's something.
08:54Hey.
08:57What'd you think about President Clinton's speech the other night?
08:59Oh, hold on.
09:00Back up.
09:01President Clinton?
09:03Come on.
09:04You didn't know he was president?
09:05No, man.
09:06I haven't watched the news in a while.
09:07You know, I got burned out on the whole O.J. Simpson trial, so...
09:10Wait, wait, wait, wait.
09:11Back up.
09:12O.J. Simpson trial?
09:14Yeah.
09:15He was on trial for murdering his ex-wife.
09:17What?
09:18I don't believe...
09:19What?
09:20I had no idea.
09:21What?
09:22What happened?
09:23Eh, trial lasted about a year and he was acquitted.
09:25Huh.
09:26So he's probably back playing football again, huh?
09:28O.J. Simpson played football?
09:30Yes!
09:31Man, he was an all-pro running back for years.
09:32Really?
09:33I thought he was just a bad actor.
09:34What?
09:35Wait a minute.
09:36You thought his acting was bad?
09:37Well, I mean, let's put it this way.
09:38He was no Robert De Niro, you know?
09:39So...
09:40Robert De Niro is an actor?
09:41Oh, man, I thought he was a taxi driver.
09:42No, Tony Danza is a taxi driver.
09:43All right, lunch hour.
09:44We get an hour for lunch?
09:45You didn't know that.
09:46Not until now.
09:47Bill, Ted, what's up, man?
09:48Hey, what's up, man?
09:49Hey, what's up, what's up, man?
09:50Hey, what's up, what's up, man?
09:51Hey, what's up, man?
09:52Hey, what's up, man?
09:53Hey, what's up, man?
09:54What's up, man?
09:55Well, I got a loaf of bread and a jar of mustard.
09:58And I got a big stack of sliced ham.
09:59Why don't you guys just make a sandwich?
10:01Sandwich?
10:02Yeah.
10:03Yeah.
10:04No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:05But I don't want to.
10:07I'll just belt.
10:08Okay, good.
10:09Hello, Steve.
10:10How's that?
10:11I got a loaf of bread and a jar of mustard.
10:13And I got a big stack of sliced ham.
10:14Why don't you guys just make a sandwich?
10:16Sandwich?
10:18Yeah.
10:25Yeah, this is very much fun.
10:56Hey, man, y'all gonna use that stall over there?
11:16No.
11:26All right, get out of the can!
11:29What?
11:29Step it back!
11:30Put your hands up against the wall!
11:31I didn't do anything.
11:34Ow.
11:35Nope, he's not handicapped.
11:36Oh, a wise guy, huh?
11:38You got a handicapped permit?
11:39No, no, no.
11:40I just really had to go, man.
11:42Yeah, yeah.
11:42Well, what would you think if everybody in the city utilized a handicapped facility just
11:46because they really had to go?
11:47Okay, man.
11:48Next time, I won't do it.
11:49Next time?
11:50They better not be here next time.
11:53Wait, $120?
11:55Plus eight hours in toilet school?
11:57Oh, man.
11:58I don't believe this.
12:01She already got the ticket.
12:03Toilet police!
12:08Ow!
12:10At the stall, sir!
12:11Come on out of there, cowboy!
12:12We know you're in there!
12:13Please, man.
12:14Just one minute.
12:14I really have to go.
12:16We got a black male suspect with use of all four limbs in the handicapped stall.
12:19We're going in.
12:21Oh, I know you.
12:23You just gave me a ticket.
12:24People like you make me sick.
12:26Come on, man.
12:28I really have to go.
12:29That doesn't give you the right to break the law, potty man.
12:33Fine.
12:33Fine.
12:34You want handicapped?
12:35I'll give you a handicap.
12:41Well, well.
12:48Step aside, man.
12:49That handicap stall is for me.
12:50Oh, man.
12:56I don't believe this.
12:58There's a line for the handicap stall?
13:01Forget it.
13:14Come on out with your hands up!
13:15Your pants up!
13:16Get out of the stall!
13:18I can't, man.
13:20I'm handicapped.
13:22What are you, some kind of wise guy?
13:24Oh, you've got your own toilets, all the best parking places in town,
13:29and still your people insist on taking stalls from everyday folks who've got to walk to work.
13:33Get them out of my sight, Irene.
13:38You know, it's not just our job.
13:41It's our duty.
13:43Listen, I am not cheating on you.
13:57Then why do you carry all those condoms in your wallet?
13:59Protection.
14:00For what?
14:01You know my tubes are tied.
14:03I forgot!
14:04They're so crucifying me!
14:05What the hell do you mean you forgot?
14:06Hey!
14:07How did you...
14:07I invited you both over to start talking to one another.
14:10You two are my best friends, and I hate to see you fighting, okay?
14:13So you've got to talk this out.
14:15Now, you're not going to yell anymore, are you, Roy?
14:18No, Karen.
14:19Diane?
14:20No, Karen.
14:21We're not going to yell anymore.
14:22But we're also not talking, because when I'm talking, he's not listening,
14:25and I'm not going to waste my breath on him.
14:31She says she's not talking to you anymore.
14:34She's not talking to me?
14:35That's a threat?
14:36Let me tell you something.
14:37I would bend over backwards and kiss my own ass together to stop talking to me.
14:44He says he's upset and confused, and he just needs a little quiet time.
14:47Let me tell you something.
14:48He can have all the quiet time he wants.
14:49I don't need him.
14:50I got a good job, I got great credit, and I've got my mama.
14:57She says you don't like her mother.
14:59She's right.
15:00I don't like her, Mom.
15:01I don't like her, and I don't like her dorky friend Karen,
15:04who's always sticking a fat nose in our business.
15:06You got it, Karen?
15:11He says he just wants to give you a little bit more space with your best friend Karen.
15:14Space?
15:15Give me space?
15:16And that's his excuse for cheating on me?
15:17You tell him I said...
15:18Oh!
15:20She said...
15:26She said that?
15:29Mm-hmm.
15:30Well, you can tell her.
15:33Oh!
15:36What did he say?
15:37He said...
15:38Oh, really?
15:41Mm-hmm.
15:41Well, you tell him I said...
15:44What did she say?
15:50She said...
15:51She said...
15:53Well, what?
16:00All I know is he's really hurting.
16:02Really?
16:02Yeah.
16:03What am I thinking?
16:03You know, I've never loved anyone the way I love Roy.
16:06He'd never cheat on me.
16:06Oh, just...
16:07Just tell him I said...
16:09Well?
16:16She said...
16:18Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
16:22I knew it'd be all right.
16:24Roy?
16:25Roy, not in front of Karen, please.
16:27Maybe you shouldn't love me so much right now, Roy.
16:29Roy, Roy, Roy, um...
16:33Coming up on Mad TV...
16:42Oh, Max, what have you been doing for the last 20 years?
16:45Would you believe Inspector Gadget?
16:47Hi, everybody.
16:50We are Three Giggles and a Titter.
16:54I put forth that we bring Jimmy to the top of a tall building
16:57and push him off and let him interface with the pavement.
17:00Come on!
17:05You are now watching Mad TV.
17:08Mad.
17:08In a business where honesty,
17:16cooperation,
17:18creativity,
17:20and bloated expense accounts are standard operating procedure,
17:25a secret agent is trying to land a new job as a movie producer.
17:29Maxwell Smarty here.
17:31Get Smarty.
17:32A Danny DeNuman production.
17:34Max, you've got to get those top secret plans from the airport,
17:37otherwise the entire free world will be blown up.
17:40And whatever you do,
17:41don't get distracted by Hollywood.
17:43You'll be like Chum in a pool of sharks.
17:45And loving it.
17:48Agent 13, give me the plans.
17:51Too bad these plans could result in the ultimate destruction of the world, Max.
17:55Uh-huh.
17:55Because they'd make a hell of a movie.
17:57Hmm.
17:58I kind of see Rip Taylor as the craze sack commander.
18:02Ow!
18:05So, Smarty.
18:06I understand you've got the secret plans that would make a great movie.
18:09And I've got the biggest stars in Hollywood to do it.
18:13Would you believe Kevin Costner and Jack Nicholson?
18:15No.
18:16Oh.
18:17Would you believe Kevin Bacon and Jack Palance?
18:20No.
18:21Eh.
18:22How about Shields and Yarnell?
18:29Missed me by that much.
18:33It's a bitch we have scripts, Smarty.
18:34Very well.
18:35If we're going to talk about the script,
18:37we'd better activate the cone of silence.
18:45Agent 99, where have you been all these years?
18:48Max, I'm still an agent.
18:50Only now I work for William Morris.
18:52Well, fancy that 99.
18:54I'm in the business too.
18:56Oh, Max.
18:57What have you been doing for the last 20 years?
18:59Would you believe Inspector Gadget?
19:01Didn't miss me at all.
19:08Imagine this.
19:10Rip Taylor is a secret agent who gets the plans to blow up the world.
19:14What?
19:16And don't puke on my shoe phone, Max.
19:19Please hang up and try your call again.
19:21Barbara Felden.
19:23Look at me.
19:25Don Adams.
19:26Look at me.
19:27And Gene Hackman.
19:28Help me.
19:30In an Alfred E. Sonnenfeld film.
19:33Freeze.
19:34Turn around slowly and put your hands up.
19:37Look at me.
19:38Cut.
19:40Rip.
19:41A word with you for a moment.
19:42The line is, look at me.
19:47Look at me.
19:48Look at me.
19:48Look at me.
19:49Look at me.
19:50Look at this.
19:51Look at this.
19:51This can't take this thing.
19:5220th Century Fox presents the old, take an old TV show you used to see for free.
19:58Turn it into a movie and charge eight bucks to see it again trick.
20:01I'm getting moist.
20:03Get Smarty.
20:04Are you ready to order?
20:06Oh, yes.
20:07I'll have the tuna carpaccio.
20:09Very good choice, sir.
20:10Hi, everybody.
20:21We are Three Giggles and a Titter.
20:27And it's great to be here in Flint, Michigan, auto manufacturing capital of the world.
20:32Vroom.
20:32Where we hope to be entertaining you with some improvisational comedy this evening.
20:36Let's begin, shall we?
20:38Tammy?
20:38Thanks, Brad.
20:39For those of you unfamiliar with improv, as we like to call it, what we do is take random
20:44suggestions from the audience, and then with those suggestions, come up with a funny skit.
20:49Now, our first game is called Job Wheel.
20:51And for that, we're going to need some occupations.
20:54So, how about you, sir?
20:55What do you do?
20:56I'm a machinist.
20:57A machinist.
20:58That's one.
20:59What about you?
21:00I operate a lathe.
21:01Okay.
21:02A lathe operator and a machinist.
21:04How about somebody on this side of the room?
21:05What do you do?
21:06I'm also a machinist.
21:08Okay.
21:09Two machinists and a lathe operator.
21:11Now we need one more occupation.
21:12How about you, way in the back?
21:14Me, uh, I'm a spot welder.
21:16Okay.
21:17A spot welder, two machinists, and a lathe operator.
21:19Great.
21:20Now, we need a location.
21:22Preferably a wacky or unique one.
21:24Anybody.
21:25An assembly line.
21:26Okay, an assembly line.
21:28Great.
21:29Ready, guys?
21:30Huddle.
21:30Okay.
21:33Break.
21:33Good.
21:35Well, here we are again on the assembly line.
21:37You know, I've worked in this factory for over 13 years, and I still don't know what our finished product looks like.
21:42Hey, where's the guy who's supposed to be operating the lathe?
21:45Keep going.
21:46Well, you know, I heard this rumor the other day.
21:49Now, you're not going to believe this, but some people actually say that...
21:51Sir, we're trying to perform here, and it's very rude of you to keep interrupting.
21:57Boo!
22:00Hey, Diggle, do something funny.
22:02Yeah.
22:03And sing.
22:05Okay, why don't we just move on to our next game?
22:07This is called Where Place.
22:09Good.
22:10Now, what we need to start this is a location.
22:12It can be anywhere in the world, anywhere at all.
22:14Assembly line.
22:17Okay, that's a good one, except that we just did that.
22:19How about someplace different?
22:20Further down the assembly line.
22:22I bet you never built a lazy in your whole life.
22:26Unemployment line.
22:27You've got to lock down the ends and clamp it down.
22:29I heard unemployment line.
22:31Why don't we go with that?
22:32Now we need some emotions.
22:33Angry.
22:34Angry.
22:35Good, good.
22:36Hungry.
22:36Hungry, angry, hungry.
22:38How about one more?
22:39Hungry.
22:41We already have hungry.
22:43Anything else?
22:44Just something different?
22:45Anybody?
22:45Mad.
22:47Starving.
22:47The way a guy feels when the benefits run out.
22:49So he has to sell his house to pay for a hip replacement.
22:52So all he can do is sit around and get drunk for the rest of his life.
22:54Yeah, there you go.
22:56Why don't we go with angry and hungry?
22:57Um.
22:58Oh.
23:00Idiots.
23:01You don't even know how a lane works.
23:03You have to adjust the calibrator.
23:05How come these guys have jobs?
23:08Hey, hey.
23:08I've got a situation.
23:09How about a bunch of big sissy actors up on stage thinking they're funny?
23:14Oh, somebody give me an occupation.
23:16Yeah, let's kick their ass.
23:17Yeah, kick their ass.
23:19Kick their ass.
23:20Kick their ass.
23:21Okay.
23:22Kick their ass.
23:22This game is called Art Forman is a blood-sucking middle management scumbag.
23:29Yeah, who's sitting off on his fat butt watching his big screen TV that he paid for with your pension fund.
23:36Yeah, so we're going to go lynch him.
23:38He'll use the lath on it.
23:40Yeah.
23:40Yeah.
23:44Yeah.
23:47Amazing.
24:23Mad!
24:28Mad!
24:33Gentlemen, welcome to the Esposito Annual Family Retreat.
24:37Now, this year we all know that morale is down due to leaks,
24:40nobody knows who to trust, and we've all lost our confidence, right?
24:44That's why we've hired Miss Debbie Dander.
24:47She's a human mo-motivator.
24:50Motivating.
24:52Good morning, gentlemen.
24:53It's terrific to be here at this undisclosed place of business,
24:56and welcome to today's seminar of Getting Back the Magic.
24:59Now, just being in this room, I'm sensing a lack of trust and a lot of hostility.
25:04So why don't we just start from scratch, get to know each other all over again, huh?
25:09Jimmy Ice Esposito.
25:11I don't know if I like that name.
25:14Ice sounds so very cold and impersonal.
25:17What do you do in this organization, Jimmy?
25:20If somebody needs to get done, I do.
25:22So you do, people! Excellent!
25:24Then why not a more positive name like Jimmy the Enabler Esposito?
25:29Isn't that better? Super terrific!
25:32Okay, Anthony Poodlecut Salerno.
25:35Oh, Poodlecut. That's kind of a girly name, isn't it?
25:38Poodle is the most virile of dog, Miss Nanda.
25:41That's very interesting. Anthony, what do you do in this organization?
25:44I pull the trigger.
25:46So why not Anthony the Actualizer Salerno, huh? Super!
25:50Who's next? Little Vic.
25:52Now, Vic, we all know that height doesn't make a difference, don't we?
25:56Why not try presenting those same qualities in a more positive light?
25:59Vertically challenged, Vic, huh?
26:01I like Little Vic.
26:03Well, Vic, maybe that's why your family's share of the crack cocaine market is so small.
26:08Isn't it time we all start thinking big?
26:11Maybe if I was the Actualizer, we would be big.
26:14You who? The Actualizer?
26:17Okay, communication gridlock here.
26:20Now, in order to interface more effectively, we have to be honest and specific
26:24because honest plus specific equals super terrific.
26:29Now, vertically challenged, Vic, what specifically is the problem?
26:32Okay, well, tell come Jimmy always gets to break the elbows
26:35and Anthony always gets to shoot the bullets, but I always gotta clean up.
26:39Is there a reason that Jimmy and Anthony don't share in the clean-up responsibilities?
26:43Vic's good at clean-up.
26:44Well, maybe Vic has other talents like shattering a kneecap or removing a thumb, huh?
26:49Which brings me to my next point.
26:51Is that how you always do it with the firearms?
26:54Pretty much, yes.
26:55Oh, most of the time, yes.
26:56Why not liven that up?
26:57When's the last time you pulled a tongue through a windpipe
27:00for a good old-fashioned Italian necktie?
27:03That really sends a message, doesn't it?
27:06It's got a point there, huh?
27:07Yeah.
27:08Now, let's reinforce our new positive association by forming a hugging mill.
27:11Okay, Espositos, on your feet!
27:17Okay, I'll go first.
27:18Jimmy?
27:19I'm glad you're on this team.
27:23Jimmy, I'm glad you're on this team.
27:27Jimmy?
27:28I'm glad you're on this team.
27:30Whoa!
27:31Whoa!
27:32What the hell?
27:33Jimmy's carrying a wire!
27:34I ain't calling the police!
27:35That work for the FBI!
27:36Call the police!
27:37Jimmy, we were just talking about honesty, weren't we?
27:39And somebody's not being very elegant.
27:40Hey, you don't understand!
27:41Call the police!
27:42Please!
27:43Why don't we put into practice some of the things we just learned?
27:44Vic, how would you like to play the role of actualizer?
27:46I would love to if Anthony would play the role of the enabler.
27:49Oh, certainly!
27:50I will now disable Jimmy and enable Vic to execute him.
27:56But wait!
27:57Is there a stronger message we can send?
27:59I put forth that we bring Jimmy to the top of a tall building and push him off and let him interface with the pavement.
28:06You know when I say that?
28:09Super freaking terrific!
28:11Super freaking terrific!
28:13Please!
28:14Please!
28:15Please!
28:16Please!
28:17Please!
28:18Gentlemen, have a safe trip to your undisclosed place of execution!
28:22Oh, super terrific!
28:31Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling to introduce to you my favorite person in the entire world, Mr. Andy Kindler.
28:38I only have three minutes, so I won't have time to enjoy myself.
28:49I want to say that I used to be very non-violent.
28:52Now, I want to stop bad entertainment by any means necessary.
28:56I was watching the show Ellen, and it's obvious that Ellen DeGeneres has watched a lot of Lucy.
29:01Unfortunately, she's watched Here's Lucy!
29:03Okay!
29:04Let's switch over here.
29:05Hi!
29:06I have a special message for Quentin Tarantino.
29:08Hey, look!
29:09Just because you made a great movie doesn't mean you should be hosting every TV show and appearing on sitcoms.
29:13You never saw Alfred Hitchcock on The Flying Nun!
29:16Take a break!
29:17Rest!
29:18Take a nap!
29:19Lay low!
29:20Go within!
29:21All the answers are inside!
29:23Hi, remember me?
29:24I am compelled to watch MTV's Real World.
29:27That's the show where they put people in impossible situations.
29:29We put seven skinheads in a shoebox with knives.
29:33See what happens when skinheads stop being polite.
29:38I'm pitching my own idea for the real world.
29:40It's late 30's Real World featuring me and my friends.
29:42First episode opens up, we're all sitting on the couch and someone goes,
29:45Hey, let's go out!
29:46And I say, No, I think I'll just stay home and watch TV.
29:49And you know what?
29:51I'm in my late 30's and I can't live with people.
29:54See what happens when seven people have seven separate apartments and never interact.
30:00In the late 30's Real World.
30:02Hi!
30:03I'm a big fan.
30:05The worst TV shows are on the WB television network.
30:09And they have that show called The Wayans Brothers.
30:11It's so over the top.
30:12It's setting African Americans back so far.
30:14I'm thinking of starting up the Underground Railroad.
30:19And everybody at the WB is acting like there's nothing wrong.
30:22I want more blaming and more excuses.
30:25I want to hear a development person say,
30:27I was on flu medication when I picked that show.
30:31My dog ate my ability to discern.
30:34Whenever something's really bad on TV, they always say,
30:37Well, the kids like it.
30:39You know, I used to go, I hate Full House.
30:40They go, No, no, no.
30:41The kids like it.
30:42We treat the kids like dogs.
30:44Don't throw away that spoiled food.
30:46The dog will eat it.
30:47Don't throw away that batch of Saved by the Bell.
30:50The kids will watch it.
30:52There's a new movie coming out next Friday.
30:55It's called, Jim Carrey pees down his own leg.
30:59It's already sold 50 million overseas.
31:02It's a big hit.
31:04I haven't seen it, but it's very good.
31:08My agent told me about this audition where they were looking for someone like Greg Kinnear.
31:11So I had to call up the casting director.
31:13I said, You know, I don't know if I have enough time to strip away that much of my personality to be like Greg Kinnear.
31:20I'm looking in the mirror and there's still some life in my eyes.
31:24I don't think I'm going to make that Greg Kinnear thing.
31:27Thank you very much.
31:54Next week on MADtv.
31:55Aren't you going to examine the body?
31:59No, she's not.
32:00She's not.
32:01She's not.
32:02She might be dead.
32:03Mr. Tony Orlando.
32:04Whoo!
32:05Whoo!
32:06Whoo!
32:07Whoo!
32:08Whoo!
32:09Whoo!
32:10Whoo!
32:11Whoo!
32:12Whoo!
32:13Whoo!
32:14Whoo!
32:15Whoo!
32:16Whoo!
32:17Whoo!
32:18Whoo!
32:19Whoo!
32:20Aren't you going to examine the body?
32:28Mr. Tony Orlando!
32:43Oh, God, please don't kill me.
32:47I don't want to die, please.
32:49Just stay quiet, and nobody gets hurt.
32:52Freeze! Don't move!
32:54It's you.
32:55Yo, man, you scared the life out of me.
32:57Likewise. Come on, let's go get this guy.
33:01All right, let's go.
33:02Yeah, so put your gun down.
33:04What?
33:05Put your gun down, you're pointing it right in my face.
33:07Yeah, that's funny, because I can't really see my gun,
33:09because your gun's right in my face.
33:10What are you talking about? Let's go get this guy, put your gun down.
33:13All right, let's go.
33:15You first, I'm the senior officer.
33:16I'll put my gun down when you put yours down.
33:18Yeah, well, maybe I'm a cowboy, young hotshot.
33:21I'll put my gun down when you put your gun down.
33:24Oh, yeah, well, maybe I'm a badass, an accident waiting to happen,
33:26but I'll put my gun down when you put yours down.
33:29Y'all need to grow up.
33:31Bye, and thanks for your help.
33:32Come on, this is stupid.
33:34You know what, you're right, man.
33:36Let's put our guns down together, okay?
33:38Yeah, thank you.
33:40Sure, thank you.
33:43Put your gun down, rookie!
33:45Don't yell at me, Lyle!
33:46You're the best partner I ever had, man, and I don't want to lose you.
33:49I do not care. Just don't yell at me, Lyle.
33:51Hey, hey, hey.
33:52How's it going, gentlemen?
33:53We're fine. Thanks for asking.
33:56Is that right?
33:57Yeah, that's right. Everything's peachy.
33:59You know what? I've always wanted to do this.
34:02Drop your pants, both of you.
34:05I got that, dear man.
34:06Let's turn our guns on him, okay?
34:07Okay. Now.
34:11I said, drop them.
34:26Today, I am truly the richest man alive.
34:29Look, let's pull up our pants and go after this guy, okay?
34:35You first.
34:36First time, Dan?
35:02Uh, yeah, yeah.
35:03I just went through a nasty divorce, and I really miss my wife.
35:07It's been a while.
35:08How do you want it?
35:12I don't even know if I know how to say that.
35:15Come here.
35:19Whisper.
35:19Oh, yeah.
35:28I know exactly what you need.
35:30Oh.
35:31That'll be 80 bucks.
35:3280 because the guy said 60.
35:34No, baby, that's going to cost you 80.
35:36Oh, okay.
35:42Huh.
35:42Make yourself comfortable.
35:46Oh.
35:46Huh.
35:54Where were you last night?
35:57I was at work.
35:58I called the office, and they said you were gone.
36:01What?
36:02What, are you spying on me?
36:04You think I've been cheating on you?
36:05Oh, yeah.
36:06Like I think some other woman would want to sleep with you.
36:10You told me to pick up dog food.
36:12You told me to pick up dog food.
36:14Don't bring King into this.
36:16Uh, it's, it's Chow Chow.
36:18What?
36:18Chow Chow's the name of the dog.
36:20Don't bring Chow Chow into this.
36:22You don't even like that dog.
36:24Well, it's, it's as though you haven't trained against me.
36:27He, he jumps up and rips open my shirt.
36:29Well, that's more than any woman would want to do.
36:31At least he's here at night to protect me.
36:34I told you when I took this job that I'd be working late nights, honey.
36:37You work late nights because you're a spineless worm
36:40who can't say no to your boss, and we still don't have any money.
36:43I've given you plenty.
36:45What conveniences don't you have, honey?
36:47Oh, look at this place.
36:50That stove is a piece of crap.
36:52Well, you never use the stove.
36:54Like I'd want to watch you eat with that lipless rabbit mouth.
36:59Oh, oh, can't we have one night where we don't argue, honey?
37:03Oh, be a man for once in your life.
37:07Oh, oh, I am a man.
37:09Where?
37:10Because I don't see him.
37:13Oh, you're going to cry.
37:15Oh, is a little wee man going to cry?
37:19You're pathetic!
37:21Why do you say such hateful things to me?
37:23I've tried so much.
37:24Time's up.
37:25What?
37:27No, no, no, no, no.
37:28I was so close.
37:29I just need to finish.
37:30That's another 40 bucks.
37:36Get out of my house.
37:37Get out.
37:38Go sleep at your mother's.
37:40Okay, I will.
37:42And I'm never coming back.
37:44Woo.
37:50That was amazing.
37:51How did you know you're a loser?
37:54You are terrific.
37:56See you next week.
37:57You can count on it.
37:58You can count on it.
38:22Oh
38:52He hee!
38:54Ew.
38:55Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
38:59Ooshy...
39:01Ooshy...
39:02Man!
39:03Uh, come on!
39:04Yes, yes, uh, come on, come on!
39:07Man!
39:10Man!
39:15Man!
39:22Dr. Johnson?
39:28Hi.
39:33Oh, thank you.
39:43Uh, well, I don't know exactly what to say.
39:46Um, well, it's my husband.
39:56We're having problems.
40:00Well, it's kind of difficult to talk about it.
40:05Oh, no. No, no, no. No, he's not impotent. No.
40:11Oh, no. Gosh, no. I'm not sleeping around.
40:13In fact, my husband is the only man I've ever slept with.
40:20Yes! Yes, that's it. I can't have an orgasm.
40:26Doctor, what should I do?
40:29You think I'm... I'm trapped.
40:32I haven't told him I've been faking it.
40:34Well, maybe I'm afraid to face the real issues.
40:37Wait, wait, wait. I'm remembering something.
40:39It was the high school homecoming game,
40:42and I was in the locker room with the quarterback.
40:47And the tackle.
40:49The wide receiver.
40:51The special teams unit.
40:54Even the mascot.
40:56I kept yelling, touchdown! Touchdown!
40:59Oh, my God!
41:02It was my first time, and the coach caught us.
41:05That's it! That's it!
41:07Oh, I must have repressed it all these years.
41:10Oh, doctor, I feel like a weight has been lifted.
41:15Well, what should I do now?
41:16Yes! Yes, I'm going to go tell my husband right now!
41:22Thank you, doctor! Thank you!
41:24And I'm going to climax like nobody's business!
41:32Thank you for tuning in.
41:43We look forward to seeing you next time.
41:45Bye!
41:46We look forward to seeing you next time.
42:16Come on!
42:18You alright? You alright?
42:19I'm sorry about that, I don't need a word.
42:21Come on!
42:22Come on!
42:23Come on!
42:24Come on!
42:25Come on!
42:29You wanna watch the TV?
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