- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 10
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:01On the next MADtv
00:03Pull up to a hard driving drama
00:06You are a lousy valet, Gramovich!
00:09Who are you?
00:10I want my car, you idiot!
00:13Right away, man.
00:15And a cool school teaches the history of hit.
00:17I can dig it became out of sight, out of sight became solid, solid became cool, cool became raw
00:21Chill became all that, all that became all that in a bag of chips
00:23And that's how we arrived at the ball, it's like butter, baby!
00:25Next on MADtv
00:26You are now watching MADtv
00:30You are now watching MADtv
00:35MAD!
00:37New
00:39About a year back I was talking to a friend of mine, George Tweedy
00:43George has a glass eye, he was born with it
00:46I'm told that's pretty rare
00:48From Florio Brasile with Calvin Klein
00:51George and I were, we were pulling the backbone out of some squirrel
00:55He says to me, he says, uh, Bill
00:57You know, you know why people stop coming around and see you, don't you?
01:00Well, I thought it was because of my dog
01:02Because my dog has a mental disturbance
01:04He has delusions of grandeur
01:06Which for some folks is a real turn off
01:08And he said, no, no, no, no, it's not your dog
01:12Not for the dogs
01:14Well, what then? Come on now
01:16Come on now, George
01:17I ain't got all day, I ain't no quiz whiz
01:19And he said, uh, it's your stink
01:23So I, I went ahead and I just, I just sank one into his face, you know
01:27I gave him the boots
01:28For men who fight
01:29Gave him the boots for a while
01:30Now I took the boots off and I nearly killed him with my bare feet
01:34So after about a half hour or so
01:36Just cold cocking on him and stomping on him
01:39I, I got to thinking
01:41Maybe he's right
01:42Maybe I do stink, you know
01:44And that's, that's when he pulled out the bottle
01:47That's when he pulled out this here bottle here
01:49And that, that's the, that there's toilet water
01:53See that?
01:54But it, but it ain't the kind you want to take a crud in
01:56Cause, uh, French people made it
01:58What it does is, it takes away the angry stink
02:00And it puts on, puts on the purdy stink
02:02See that?
02:03Yeah
02:04And I, I figure that, that, that's perfect for me
02:06What, me being a homosexual and all
02:08So I, I, I put some on
02:10And I, I went up to the city to one of those rubber bars
02:13And hell if I wasn't the battle of all
02:16For men who love you
02:18So, uh, if you're like me
02:20And, uh, I imagine the majority of you are in one way or another
02:23You ought to go ahead and get some of this stuff
02:25There you go
02:27There you go
02:30Dick
02:35L'aragance from Florio Brasile
02:37For to get rid of the stink that is angry
02:47Man, uh, come on
02:48Man, uh, come on
02:49Man, uh, come on
02:51Man, uh, come on
02:53Man, uh, come on
02:55Man, uh, come on
02:56Man, uh, come on
02:57Man, uh, come on
02:58Man, uh, come on
02:59Man, uh, come on
03:00Man, uh, come on
03:01Man, uh, come on
03:02Man, uh, come on
03:03Man, uh, come on
03:04Man, uh, come on
03:05Man, uh, come on
03:06Man, uh, come on
03:07Man, uh, come on
03:08Man, uh, come on
03:09Man, uh, come on
03:10Man, uh, come on
03:11Man, uh, come on
03:12Man, uh, come on
03:13Man, uh, come on
03:14Man, uh, come on
03:15Man, uh, come on
03:16Man, uh, come on
03:17Man, uh, come on
03:18Man, uh, come on
03:19Man, uh, come on
03:20Man, uh, come on
03:21Man, uh, come on
03:22Man, uh, come on
03:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight's special guest, Andrea Martin.
03:53Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening, good evening, and thank you very much for that wonderful applause.
04:03You know, I am so happy to be your host this week for MADtv because, you know, it's been a long time since I've worked with an ensemble cast.
04:11For the last year, I've been touring with my own one-woman show, Nude, Nude, Totally Nude.
04:16And, um, it's true. And although it has its merits, I get all the laughs myself, there is something very rewarding about being with a group of people you really, really respect.
04:27So it's been a ball for me. So please welcome my fellow thespians and colleagues, the cast of MADtv. Bring them out here!
04:41Aren't they great?
04:43Aren't they wonderful?
04:46Greg! I say Greg. Greg, right!
04:54Stay tuned. We'll be back with some more of my material. Don't go away.
04:59Are you in there?
05:08Nicole from MADtv just wanted to say hello.
05:13Oh, there you are.
05:16You are now watching MADtv.
05:20Damn!
05:24What the hell is the hold up?
05:26I got a little tenderoni waiting for me at the crib and my man B is late like Madonna's period.
05:31Look, if Bob called us both down here, it's got to be a national crisis. I've got a bad feeling about this.
05:37D-Bone, Dr. Mambuca. Did any white people see you come down here?
05:49Tell us.
05:51Our nightmare continues. Last night, one of my operatives in Greenwich, Connecticut heard a debutante say,
05:56that's the bomb.
05:58Oh, my God.
06:00Damn! We just changed that to that's the bomb.
06:02Last week, it was all that in a bag of chips.
06:04I told you someone is leaking information. White America is co-opting our slang faster than ever.
06:08What do you expect? I've got Ricky Lake on twice a day now.
06:11I know, yo, man. It's much harder to get my rap on without them knowing what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying?
06:15Well, that's what we're here for, people. Let's get to work.
06:18I can't believe they got that's the bomb. That's some of my best work, B.
06:23All right. In 1960, we introduced Groovy. Then it was stolen by Simon and Garfunkel.
06:30So we replaced it with I can dig it. I can dig it became out of sight. Out of sight became solid. Solid became cool. Cool became raw. Raw became cool again. Cool became fresh. Fresh became deaf. Death became fly. Fly became cool again. Cool became dope. Dope became fat. Fat got cool for a week. Cool got chill for a minute. Chill became all that. All that became all that in a bag of chips. And that's how we arrived at the ball. It's like butter, baby.
06:47Nah. Nah. Negatorial. Negatorial. Dope did not come before fat. Tight came before fat. Your ass always forget tight.
06:54Tight never made it east of the Rockies. It was a colloquialism that originated in Hunter's Point, San Francisco and died on your MTV ramps.
07:00That's still understood, people. Focus, please.
07:06All right, look. We can always go back to code. Come on, D-Bone. We're better than that.
07:11All right. Let's think. What are the possible etymological extensions of bomb?
07:15Neutron bomb. Patriot missile.
07:18Sidewinder. Scud. How about... That's the Scud.
07:22I don't know what a scud is. That's stupid.
07:26You mean stupid good or stupid bad?
07:28Stupid bad.
07:29Wait, bad as in fat bad or bad bad?
07:31Bad bad. Now listen, listen. Baby, you the scud. Better get slapped for saying something like that.
07:37That is weak. Weak as in trifling. Sorry to the curb. Trump changed. No major pub. Scrub. Brian Gumbel.
07:44All right, then think big. Think big bomb.
07:48Vampire in Brooklyn.
07:49No, no, no, no, no. V-bomb. As in you're blowing up. You're exploding.
07:54World tracing.
07:55No, no, no, no. As in disaster. Mass killings. Destruction. Bloodbath. Bodies everywhere.
08:02Ebola.
08:04Girl, your shoes are Ebola.
08:06Yeah, Club Paralyze was the Ebola last night.
08:09Well, not the Ebola. Ebola.
08:12You're right, my boy.
08:13Like, did you see the new receptionist? Her booty's Ebola.
08:16Agree. We'll wire Ebola to our best operatives immediately.
08:20All right, I'll contact Karis, one Dr. Dre, and Ice Cube.
08:24Actually, before we go, I feel I should once again bring up the subject of Funky.
08:28Oh, man, squash that noise.
08:31Damn.
08:32Bob, Bob, how many times do we have to go over this? We have so few connections to our past.
08:35Please, let Funky be Funky.
08:37We've got to represent and keep it real.
08:39But I've got a report here that a pro bowler from Mobile, Alabama said Funky last week.
08:45They don't know how to use it right. They'll never know what it means.
08:49Okay, okay. Just making a suggestion.
08:51All right.
08:52Very good work, people.
08:53Ah, that was better than good. That was...
08:55Ebola!
08:56I'm gonna give this Ebola booty. I'll see y'all later.
09:01I know.
09:02Oh, that hurt! Come on!
09:17Let us backstage.
09:19Bible is my favorite band.
09:21Me too.
09:22Not only do they rock, but they love the Lord as much as we do.
09:25Look, we need a laminated pass to get in.
09:27Yeah?
09:28Well, we know Mark the bass player, and he told us to tell you to let us in.
09:31We also know Jesus Christ, and it is his will for you to let us in.
09:35We can't let nobody in right now. The band's in the dressing room changing.
09:41Is Matthew changing?
09:42Yeah.
09:43How big is his love for Jesus?
09:45Like this.
09:51Listen up, girl. I don't know what your deal is, all right?
09:53But if you're real nice to me, maybe I'll let you in to see Aerosmith next week.
09:57Ah! Yuck!
09:58They're sinners!
10:00Fornicators!
10:01The drummer smokes!
10:04Sneak it! Sneak it! Sneak it!
10:06Tell him, Matthew, I'm saving my virginity for him!
10:10And then I'll give it up for him in the confines of a true Christian marriage that is sanctified by the Holy Spirit!
10:15So, Helen, how long have you been following Bible?
10:21Ever since the Lord entered my heart.
10:23I'm also a very big fan of Daily Bread.
10:25I did it with their lead singer, Noah.
10:28You did it?
10:33At Pat Robertson's big revival house.
10:35Oh! Praise Jesus!
10:39He had a coke addiction and I had a really big boil, and it was lanced out by Jesus.
10:43Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!
10:46I did it with, um... I did it with Al from Ministry.
10:50They're not Christian.
10:51Well, I know that now, don't I?
10:54Gosh, Jessica! Jesus forgives me! Why can't you?
10:57I just don't know that if in my heart you are truly repentant...
11:01Woe, sister! Judge not lest ye be judged!
11:04Matthew 7-1!
11:06Yes!
11:07Don't fight! In the words of the Bible, joy is a ham!
11:10The devil is not a ham! Now it's a town!
11:12Oh, man, I love the way John sings that song. It is so Christian.
11:20But, um, my favorite one is Luke the drummer.
11:23He is so hot. I really wanna fu-
11:26And, yeah, I wanna fun him.
11:30And do fun things with him in a fun, fun way. Praise Jesus!
11:33Did you see his picture in Body and Blood magazine?
11:36No!
11:37His top button was unbuttoned. You could see his crucifix all the way down here.
11:39Oh!
11:41Oh!
11:42Oh!
11:43Helen! Helen Cook!
11:44Dima, be gone!
11:49Hey, you guys wanna pray?
11:50Sure!
11:51Okay.
11:52Dear Lord, help us to get in to see Bibles so that we can marvel at your really cute creations.
11:58Yes.
11:59And let all young people accept Bible as true rockers!
12:02Oh, oh! But not the really cute girls!
12:04And let Bible have a hit song and let their video be aired on MTV!
12:09And on daily rotation.
12:10Yes!
12:11Right. So that total glory can be given to who?
12:13The Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit! Amen!
12:16I love you so much!
12:25Luke, I love you so much!
12:26Luke, Luke, could you sign my New Testament, please?
12:31Yeah. Sure.
12:33To Helen? To Helen?
12:35To Helen?
12:36Right neatly!
12:37Luke, Luke, Luke!
12:38I love you so much!
12:39I love you so much!
12:40Please, please take me to your backstage, Jerry!
12:41Please, please!
12:42And then we could, um, not do drugs!
12:44And then later we could not have really hot, sticky sex!
12:47And you could, um, not, not call me!
12:49And, and pretend I never exist!
12:50Please, God!
12:51Please, God, take me!
12:52Please, God!
12:53Yeah, yeah, yeah!
12:54Alright, no problem!
12:55No problem, man!
12:56Bring you backstage, introduce you to some of the guys.
12:58Maybe we'll baptize you in our hot tub, huh?
13:00Yes!
13:01Julie!
13:02You're a blasphemer!
13:03Julie, don't be a sinner!
13:05If you go with him, then Satan will surely put you down in hell,
13:08and you'll have to wash the feet of Ozzy Osbourne forever!
13:11Oh!
13:12Good gosh!
13:13Thanks!
13:14Forgive me!
13:15Prayer circle!
13:16Okay!
13:17Dear Lord!
13:19Dear Lord!
13:20Forgive me sins I was thinking of committing!
13:23I knew not what I...
13:27Guy?
13:28Guys?
13:29Let me in!
13:30Guys!
13:31Let me in!
13:32Let me in!
13:33I want, I want him inside of me!
13:35Jesus!
13:36The light of Jesus inside of me when I'm alone at night!
13:43I've got about 30 seconds before I have to do my funny dick, so...
13:54See ya!
13:55No!
13:56Ah!
13:57No!
13:58No!
13:59Oh, my head...
14:22Whoa. Who the hell are you?
14:27Special Agent Mitchum. Good morning, sir.
14:31Oh, man. Hard as bad.
14:34Oh, look, I'm sorry I'll get out of here. I gotta get home.
14:36You are home, Mr. President.
14:41Who are you talking to?
14:43You, sir.
14:45Where am I?
14:47You're in your bedroom, sir.
14:50Okay. If I'm in my bedroom, then how'd you get in here?
14:53I have a key. We all do.
14:56We?
14:57The Secret Service, Mr. President.
15:01The Secret Service, Mr. President.
15:07Okay.
15:09Well, if I'm the president, what's the president doing this dump, huh?
15:12Oh, you've done some redecorating, sir.
15:19Nice helicopter.
15:21It's yours, sir.
15:23Okay, look.
15:24The last thing I remember was being at the Piper's pub with my girlfriend.
15:27She asked me what I thought about seeing other people, and I told her I'd get back to her after I had 30 beers.
15:33There's really not much more to the story, sir.
15:35You got pissed drunk, ran for president, and won.
15:37How long have I been drunk?
15:42You've just started your second term.
15:44Okay, wait, wait.
15:45You're saying the people of America elected a drunk man president?
15:49And then re-elected him.
15:52That is impossible.
15:53My name is David Herman.
15:55I failed high school twice.
15:57I buttered bagels for a living.
15:59How in the hell would anyone elect me president?
16:01Well, I think people found you kind of refreshing, sir.
16:03I mean, you are pretty up front with your views.
16:05I don't have any views.
16:06Maybe not now, sir, but when you get in front of a TV camera with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you can be extremely opinionated.
16:14You've changed America.
16:16How?
16:17Well, you ended the war against crime with your brilliant, give us your guns or we'll blow your freaking heads off, Bill.
16:23And you won the war against drugs with your brilliant, give us your drugs or we'll blow your freaking heads off campaign.
16:29I actually said freaking?
16:30No, sir, but I'm a Mormon.
16:31Look, I am the first to admit that America isn't the swiftest country in the world, but this is absolutely...
16:37People were skeptical at first, sir, but when you gave your famous bitch slap to America speech, they really started to listen.
16:44So I just get drunk and people listen?
16:46Yes, basically that's it, sir.
16:47Your campaign slogan was, hey, America, last call.
16:50What does that mean?
16:52I don't know, sir, but it was sure a hell of a lot catchier than four more with Clinton and Gore.
16:56Oh, God.
16:57It's like a nightmare.
16:59Actually, no, sir.
17:00In five short years, you put men on Mars and acquired three new states.
17:04Three new states.
17:05Cuba, Saskatchewan, and Germany.
17:07And how exactly does one go about acquiring three new states?
17:10Well, with Cuba, you just simply woke up one morning, went to the U.N., and told the people, and I'm quoting here,
17:15Cuba's now part of the United States.
17:17Anybody got a problem with that?
17:19And nobody had a problem with that.
17:21Well, the ambassador of France had certain objections, but that ended when you asked him to step outside.
17:27Saskatchewan was a straight-up trade with Canada.
17:29What did we give him?
17:30Aerosmith.
17:30I see.
17:32And when you say Germany, that's Germany as in Germany, Germany, right?
17:35Oh, yes.
17:36You won Germany in World War III.
17:37World War III only lasted 20 minutes, and it ended with you smashing a bottle over the chancellor's face.
17:43But, uh, perhaps your greatest achievement, sir, was your cure for cancer.
17:47How did I cure cancer?
17:48Well, you took nine of the heads of the world's largest corporations and gave them all cancer.
17:52Within seven months, we had four different cures.
17:56So I'm like the perfect president.
17:58Actually, no, sir.
17:59Alcoholism's become a big problem.
18:01Oh, well, no kidding.
18:02Wait, wait.
18:03What do I do now?
18:04Have some breakfast.
18:05No, I mean, what do I do now that I'm sober?
18:07Have some breakfast.
18:09Breakfast, of course, being a bottle of gin.
18:12Okay.
18:13Then what?
18:14Well, then at 12 o'clock, you've challenged the Speaker of the House to a pissing contest.
18:19After that, you're taking the missus for a joyride in Air Force One.
18:23Whom I married to?
18:24Winona Ryder.
18:24Ah!
18:25No kidding.
18:26No kidding, sir.
18:27Uh, you know what?
18:28Cancel the pissing contest.
18:30Hand me that bottle of gin and send for the first lady.
18:32Done.
18:33And, uh, Mitchell?
18:35Yes, sir?
18:35Don't tell anyone you saw me this way, okay?
18:38Who'd believe me?
18:38Oh, yeah.
18:39From Stephen Bochco, the producer who brought you Hill Street Blues, L.A. Law, and NYPD Blue,
18:59comes the most gripping, controversial, hard-hitting, action-packed, intense, and refreshingly different
19:05new show this season.
19:09What are you lounging around your sweet butts for?
19:11We got lunch rush!
19:13Tonight, on a very special L.A. Valet.
19:29Tempers are in overdrive.
19:45All right, people, listen up.
19:46We got reports of missing cassettes, combs, and other items of personal haberdashery.
19:51So stop the madness!
19:53I'll have to find some cars!
19:55Hey!
19:56Be careful out there.
19:58With special guest star Luke Perry as Benny, a special valet with a very special gift.
20:07Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!
20:09Just took up two spots.
20:10What's going on, man?
20:11Hey, you saying I do sloppy work?
20:13My dad was a valet parker and his father before him!
20:16This vest means something, ass-bite!
20:19Hey, man, I'm just trying to help, okay?
20:21It's my ass getting bitten out there, too!
20:23Hey, don't tell me about ass-bite!
20:25Hey!
20:25If you're doing a bite into those asses, you're doing your own time.
20:29It's high-octane relationships and full throttle drama.
20:35Hey, hey, hey, hey!
20:37What are you trying to do, grind coffee with that thing?
20:38I can't drive a stick.
20:43Oh, jeez, buddy.
20:46Why don't you tell me sooner?
20:53I'll show you how to drive a stick, buddy.
20:55And here's what the critics are saying.
20:58LA Valley takes the botch out of botch-go.
21:02You can't keep doing this, Stan.
21:04You parked a town car and a space reserved for compacts.
21:07Ah, all the spaces are starting to look the same to me.
21:10Yeah, but what about your son?
21:12I have a son.
21:13Do we need to talk?
21:19They'll take your vest away, Stan.
21:21Then you'll just be a drunk instead of a drunk with a vest, which means something.
21:25I have a son!
21:33Finally, a valet show that deals with valets as people, not just valets.
21:37God, look at all these frickin' keys.
21:41Santa machina.
21:42How will we find the cars?
21:52Fanny, what...
21:53Fanny.
21:54Chevy Impala.
21:57Ashtray's full.
21:59Big van.
22:00Careful, it's puddle in the back seat.
22:01No muzzle.
22:02Wish I knew colors.
22:03Porsche.
22:03Leather interior.
22:04BMW.
22:05Owner's short.
22:06Volvo.
22:07Sticky dashboard.
22:08Blue van.
22:09Tires are low.
22:09Steven Bochco once again is not afraid to turn over the rock that exposes the festering maggots below the surface of valet parking.
22:17You are a lousy valet, Gramovich.
22:20You're a disgrace to the uniform.
22:21Hey, man, give him a break.
22:23I've been riding him since surf and turf night.
22:26Thanks.
22:27Partner.
22:30Who are you?
22:31I want my car, you idiot.
22:34Right away, man.
22:36You win, Bochco.
22:37How many shows can one guy put on the air?
22:39Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
22:41LA Valet.
22:42A mature show about mature subjects.
22:44If you're not mature enough to handle it, go f**k yourself.
22:48Coming soon from Steven Bochco.
22:51Here's a tip.
22:52Watch it.
22:57Coming up on MADtv.
22:59I'd like you to meet my special friend, Specky the Speculum.
23:08Lady, you are evil.
23:10I know, I'm bad.
23:14I know, I'm bad.
23:44Ah, good morning, Sarah.
23:46Good morning, Mr. Kerwin.
23:47None of this Mr. Kerwin business.
23:49You call me Doug.
23:50Okay.
23:51Okay.
23:52Doug.
23:52Well, welcome to NDI Industries.
23:54Glad to have you on board.
23:55Here's all you're going to need to get started.
23:57Okay?
23:57There you go.
23:58Thank you, Doug.
23:58Yes?
23:59I'm wondering if you could tell me why there's such a long line of people outside my office.
24:03Oh, jeez, I almost forgot.
24:05The company's downsizing.
24:06You're going to have to fire about 40 people.
24:08What?
24:09I'll send the first in, okay?
24:10Have a nice day.
24:14Hello, Daryl.
24:20Good morning, Ms. Dilkin.
24:21Yeah.
24:22Welcome to NDI.
24:22Oh, thank you.
24:24Sit, please.
24:27So, let's see here.
24:30You've worked with the company for 27 years.
24:33Yes, ma'am.
24:34That's a long time, isn't it?
24:36Probably from time to time you thought to yourself,
24:38why don't I just have a big change in my life
24:41and try a whole different way to go, a whole new job.
24:44Ever thought about that?
24:46Well, not with four kids in college, no.
24:49Four kids?
24:50Yeah, and this is the only company in town, God bless them,
24:52whose insurance will cover little Daryl Jr.'s education.
24:56He's handicapped, you see.
24:57I'm sorry.
24:59Oh, boy.
25:00Oh, boy, oh, boy.
25:03This is hard.
25:04This is really, really hard.
25:06Ms. Dilkin, if there's something that you have to tell me,
25:09just come right out and say it.
25:10I mean, that's the way Daryl Patterson plays.
25:12I like to have it straight up.
25:14Little Daryl Jr. taught me that.
25:15You're fired.
25:18I'm sorry the company is downsizing,
25:20and we have to let a few people go,
25:22and as much as it breaks my heart,
25:24and it truly does,
25:26I'm afraid that.
25:31It's all right.
25:32I'm going to be okay.
25:34I'm sorry.
25:36I'm so very, very sorry.
25:40It's okay.
25:42Hold me.
25:46Um, you're fired, okay?
25:48I'm sorry.
25:49The company's downsizing,
25:50and I'm very, very sorry,
25:53but I'm going to keep this thing moving on.
25:56You're, uh, you're fired, okay?
26:04The company's downsizing.
26:07We have to let a few people go.
26:09Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and bye.
26:13Baden.
26:14Baden is a German name, isn't it?
26:16Yeah.
26:17Oh, let me try this.
26:18Herr Baden,
26:20du bist ein Führerwagen.
26:23I'm a fire engine.
26:26Oh.
26:27German isn't very good.
26:29Get out!
26:31Give me an F!
26:33Eh?
26:33Give me an I!
26:34I?
26:35Give me an R!
26:36R?
26:36Give me an E!
26:37E?
26:38Give me a D!
26:39D?
26:39What does it spell?
26:41Fired?
26:41Yeah!
26:46What's so funny?
26:47Which one of these is you?
26:49A rhino, or an elephant, or fired?
26:58Or fired!
26:59I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it.
27:01A rhino, or an elephant, or fired?
27:08Next!
27:09Keep them coming, you set them up, I knock them down.
27:13That's all there is, Miss Dillton, there's nobody left.
27:15What?
27:15You fired them all.
27:16You're wrong, you're still here.
27:18You're fired!
27:18What?
27:20You're fired, get out of here!
27:22There's gotta be some...
27:23Hey, there's one, you're fired!
27:24You fired me an hour ago.
27:26Then you're hired back, congratulations.
27:28Now you're fired!
27:31Oh, that's a good one!
27:33You're fired!
27:34Get out of here!
27:36You, with the limp, fired!
27:37Ha!
27:45Hello, Janine.
27:46I'm Dr. Wiswall.
27:48Hi.
27:49Is everything okay?
27:51Uh, no, Dr. Wiswall.
27:53I'm sorry.
27:54I'm uncomfortable because I normally have a female gynecologist, so when...
27:57I understand completely.
27:59And I know how important it is for the patient to feel at ease, having been a pediatrician
28:04for many years.
28:04Oh.
28:05In fact, I have something here I think will make you feel a little more relaxed.
28:09Uh, what?
28:10Janine, I'd like you to meet my special friend, Specky the Speculum.
28:14Specky, this is Janine.
28:18She's a little shy.
28:20Oh, I know just how she feels.
28:22I'm shy, too.
28:24Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:27Okay, Doctor, I'm not shy anymore.
28:29Specky, help Janine understand that not all strangers are scary, especially doctors.
28:34He's right, Janine.
28:35Doctors are our friends.
28:37And they're allowed to touch us even in our special places.
28:41I know that. You can put Specky away. I'm ready to talk to you now.
28:44Specky, would you like to help me examine Janine?
28:48Oh, no, I couldn't. She's too pretty.
28:54Come on, Specky. Just say hi.
28:56After all, you two are going to be getting to know each other pretty well in a little while.
29:01Hi, Janine.
29:04Hi, Specky.
29:07What's that, Specky?
29:10Janine, he'd like a kiss.
29:13Oh, no, I can't put that thing in my mouth.
29:20Wow! That was fantastic!
29:23Okay, baby, this time, give me a little tongue.
29:25Hey!
29:28Specky, be a gentleman.
29:30Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do with you.
29:32Let me examine her breasts.
29:34Specky.
29:34Come on, baby, let's play show and tell.
29:36Specky!
29:38If you are going to be a part of this examination, I want you to be a professional.
29:45Okay.
29:46Get him!
29:48When was the first day of your last period?
29:50I'm not telling you!
29:51Doctor, look, for a minute this was fun.
29:53Oh, if you thought that was fun, where do you see this?
29:56That's right, Janine.
29:57Sit back, relax, and enjoy Specky Green, the joke machine.
30:02Good evening, ladies and germs.
30:04And speaking of germs, Janine, have you been screened for chlamydia?
30:07It's important.
30:08Say, Specky.
30:09Yeah?
30:10Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
30:12That was no lady.
30:13That was a young woman with multiple partners who doesn't use a condom.
30:16Boy, is she asking for trouble.
30:19Where are my clothes?
30:21What?
30:22Janine, is there something wrong?
30:23I'm not dealing with this.
30:25You expect me to spend my entire examination talking to a speculum.
30:30Oh, I'm sorry, Janine.
30:32Specky, you're going to have to go now.
30:34Janine doesn't like you.
30:36But, are you sure, Janine?
30:39Yes, I'm sure.
30:41Well, I guess there's nothing left to say, but au revoir, mademoiselle.
30:52I apologize for that, Janine.
30:53Janine, I guess Specky's just not for everyone.
30:57Okay.
30:59Um, my last period was...
31:01Hey, let me out of here!
31:03Is that who I think it is?
31:05It's Pappy the Pap Smear.
31:09Hey, Janine, I'm Pappy.
31:10Now, they don't call me Pappy because I'm old.
31:12They call me Pappy because I screen your cervix for cancer.
31:15Janine, have you looked at your cervix recently?
31:18I'm out of here.
31:20Janine?
31:21Janine, Jan...
31:22Chips!
31:25Pappy!
31:27Well, lunch boys?
31:30Sure, why not?
31:31Hey, don't forget me!
31:32Oh, sorry, Specky.
31:35That's good.
31:36If you don't watch Mad TV, she'll bite you with those teeth.
31:45Or I'll bite you.
31:47Are you sure you wouldn't like another cookie?
32:03No, thank you.
32:04I've had enough cookies, all right?
32:06Well, at least sit a little bit closer.
32:10You're just a blur to me over there.
32:12I'm fine where I am, lady.
32:15Come on, I won't bite.
32:18No, thank you.
32:20How many is that?
32:22Seventy-eight, Lieutenant.
32:23Is that the last of them?
32:24Tip of the iceberg, sir.
32:25Good God.
32:28Seventy-eight bodies, Mrs. Vicker.
32:30You sure you don't want to add anything to your statement?
32:32Oh, I don't think so.
32:34So you stand by your claim that all of these people, all seventy-eight of them, were killed
32:38because they were trying to break into your house?
32:40Oh, yes.
32:42It used to be such a lovely neighborhood until all the break-ins.
32:45You know, we've identified some of these bodies.
32:48Oh, that's lovely.
32:50Maybe not.
32:52You mind telling me what your son was doing breaking into your house?
32:56Well, it's obvious.
32:58He was trying to steal money for smokes.
33:00He was the dickens for that.
33:02Your son, the doctor.
33:04The 45-year-old man who made over $300,000 a year
33:08was breaking into your house to steal money for cigarettes?
33:11I told him a thousand times that those filthy things would kill him.
33:15Actually, Mrs. Vicker, you killed him.
33:19I didn't know he was my son.
33:22I just thought, dear me, there's another one
33:25come to take advantage of a defenseless old lady.
33:28Yes.
33:29So you killed him?
33:30Yes.
33:31And then cut his head off?
33:34Sometimes they just won't stay down.
33:37You know, we identified another one of these bodies
33:39as missing labor leader Jimmy Hoffa.
33:42He was trying to break in.
33:45What about the Lindbergh baby?
33:47That was self-defense.
33:50That evil, toothless grin.
33:54You're going to prison for this.
33:56You know that.
33:57Yes.
33:59Does the prison have a basement?
34:01You know what, lady?
34:04I'm glad we're putting you away.
34:06Well, I'm happy if you're happy.
34:10Shouldn't you come over here and put the cuffs on me?
34:13Yeah, it's not a bad idea.
34:15Wait a minute.
34:16Let me see both your hands.
34:18Come here and I'll show you.
34:20I don't think so.
34:22Don't come any closer.
34:24What?
34:24Did you say something?
34:25Sometimes everything just sounds like mosquitoes to me.
34:29I said, don't take another step, lady.
34:32Let me see what's behind your back.
34:35Oh.
34:38Lady, you are evil.
34:40I know.
34:40I'm bad.
34:43Just put the bottle down.
34:45All right, but you're being a terrible wet blanket about this.
34:48Yeah, well, better safe than sorry.
34:50Well, it's a little late for that.
34:52What are you talking about?
34:55Dear me, how many cookies did you have?
34:58Oh, my God.
34:59What did you put in the cookies?
35:01Lieutenant, marriage is fading.
35:03I don't feel too good.
35:07This is Sergeant Dackett.
35:09We have an officer down.
35:10I need ambulance and backup pronto.
35:14Proceed with extreme caution and stay away from the...
35:18All this costs over little old me.
35:27Well, I better straighten up if I'm gonna have more company.
35:32Oh, Haki.
35:33There you are, Haki.
35:35Come on, let's get to work.
35:36You feel like killing?
35:38Me too.
35:38I'm really.
35:39I don't know.
35:40Oh.
35:40Come on.
35:43I don't know.
36:04Wow.
36:05Wow.
36:06Wow.
36:07Oh, my God.
36:37Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to welcome once again...
36:55Thank you very much. Thanks, Dave. Thanks for the intro.
36:58Before we continue here, I'd like to just get something right off my chest.
37:02You know, I've been here for the last week,
37:04and the only thing the cast has been asking me is why I'm not dating.
37:08Why aren't you dating? Why aren't you dating? Why aren't you dating?
37:12You're attractive. You dress well. You're in show business.
37:15Hell, you had your own sitcom for two or three episodes.
37:19Why aren't you dating? Why aren't you dating?
37:22It's been eight years since the divorce. Why aren't you dating?
37:26Why? Why aren't you dating?
37:29Why aren't you dating?
37:31Why? Why aren't you dating?
37:34Can I tell you why I'm not dating?
37:35can I just share with you a typical day for my life
37:39and you be the judge
37:41I get up at 5
37:42I pour myself a cup of coffee
37:44which is set to brew at 4.45 from the night before
37:47I listen to my Deepak Chopra tape
37:50to release the powers of creativity and compassion within me
37:53I open my chakras
37:55I bless my toaster
37:56I bless my ex-husband
37:58because if I don't the resentment will kill me
38:00I breathe
38:02I try on my jeans
38:04I take off my jeans
38:05I pour myself a cup of coffee
38:08I lift a couple of weights
38:09I walk around the block for a half an hour
38:11I get the kids up
38:13make the kids breakfast
38:14help them with their homework
38:15which they should have done the night before
38:17but I let them watch two episodes of Seinfeld
38:19because I'm a single parent and I'm guilt ridden
38:22I block my way through U.S. history
38:24I lie and say Florida was one of the original colonies
38:28I don't know
38:29I never knew
38:30Mom, Florida wasn't one of the original colonies
38:32what's the point of learning anything if you forget it when you're old
38:35just suck back those fruit loops
38:37I say
38:38we're leaving in ten minutes
38:39and call your father if you want to know about history
38:41ask him about the date he left me
38:43call me if you want to know about Clown White
38:46I pack the kids lunch
38:49I wash the dog's bowl
38:50I wash the cat's bowl
38:52I read aloud from the New York Times
38:54to secretly test them on their vocabulary
38:56they know nothing
38:57we're spending $30,000 a year on private education
39:01and they know nothing
39:02oh sure
39:03they've been taught how to express their feelings
39:05Mom, don't humiliate me
39:08they just don't know how to spell it
39:11I breathe
39:12I try on my jeans
39:14I take off my jeans
39:16I put on my sweatpants
39:17I load the kids in the car
39:18I pick up another two kids
39:20I drive in traffic for 35 minutes
39:22I drop them off at school
39:24bye Jack
39:25bye Joe
39:25mommy loves you
39:27nothing
39:28no response
39:30a grunt
39:31I blow them a kiss
39:32they give me the finger
39:34I put gas in my Isuzu Trooper
39:37which I am driving
39:38because my Mustang convertible
39:39was stolen at gunpoint in front of my house
39:41I stop at Starbucks
39:43the woman in front of me
39:44orders a grande, non-fat, free-poor, extra-hot, no-lid cap
39:48I think to myself
39:49that can't be better than a cup of coffee
39:52I get home
39:54it's only 7.45
39:55I burn some incense
39:58I chant
39:59aww
40:00I try my jeans on again
40:02they still don't fit
40:03I work on a monologue about suicide
40:05for my one-woman show
40:07I confirm the orthodontist appointment
40:09the saxophone lesson
40:10I cancel my massage
40:12because there's a conflict
40:13with my boys' baseball game this week
40:15and I'm in charge of snacks
40:16so I have to be there
40:17I plan tonight's dinner
40:18chicken piccata
40:19in a pita
40:20rice pudding
40:22possibly a fruit on the side
40:23I read somewhere
40:24that a child has less of a chance
40:25of becoming a serial killer
40:27if you sit as a family
40:28and have dinner
40:28unless you're Jeffrey Dahmer
40:30I call my agent
40:31he's in a meeting
40:32I call my other agent
40:34he's in a meeting
40:35I try my jeans on again
40:37they still don't fit
40:38I wear them anyway
40:39I drive for two hours
40:42into the city
40:42for an audition
40:43for the voice
40:44of a spoon
40:45which I don't get
40:47they go with a blonde
40:49go figure
40:51it's not even noon
40:53I am hungry
40:54angry
40:55lonely
40:56and tired
40:57why am I not dating
40:59if Brad Pitt came up
41:00and asked me out right now
41:01I'd say
41:02f*** you
41:03go inside and wash your hair
41:05this is Andrea Martin
41:18this is Andrea Martin
41:18this TV is great
41:24now it doesn't pick up
41:25Mad TV
41:26but it does pick up
41:26so far
41:27because you get bored
41:27from behind the stage
41:28there are a couple
41:29of good ones right now
41:30and Susan is about
41:31to have a baby
41:31but it's not Brad
41:32it's Cliff's
41:33May!
41:35you want me
41:37you want me
41:41good job
41:42good night
41:44good night everybody
41:50thanks for coming
41:51thank you everyone
41:52thank you Eric
41:54We're on the wrong side.
41:58We should be using this stuff.
42:00Yes!
42:02Yes!
42:03Yes!
42:04Yes!
42:05Yes!
42:06Yes!
42:07Yes!
42:08Yes!
42:09Yes!
42:10Yes!
42:11Yes!
42:12Yes!
42:13Yes!
42:14Yes!
42:15Yes!
42:16Yes!
42:17Yes!
42:18Yes!
42:19Yes!
42:20Yes!
42:21Yes!
42:22Yes!
42:23Alright.
42:24Great!
42:25Oh!
42:26Yes!
42:27Yes!
42:28Yes!
42:29Oh!
42:30Yes!
42:31Meanwhile,production,
42:38our productivity teams were great.
42:42Really?
42:43Yes!
42:44Yes!
42:45Yes!
42:46Yes!
42:47Yes!
42:48Yes!
42:49Yes!
42:50Yes!
Recommended
42:08
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