MADtv S02E05

Mad TV

Season 2 Episode 5  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:00On the next MADtv, Neve Campbell throws a party you won't want to miss.

00:05I can probably win Texas, but I can't win you.

00:09And Texas doesn't look good naked.

00:11And kids, don't try this at home.

00:14New Spishwax Car Wax won't protect your car against baseball bats, bowling balls, potted plants, and sledgehammers.

00:23What's that do to my car?

00:24Next on MADtv.

00:26You are not watching MADtv.

00:30You are not watching MADtv.

00:36MAD!

00:38Mrs. Lawrence, I'd like to begin by reminding you that you are under oath.

00:42Now would you please begin by telling the court your relationship with the defendant, Lenny McFarland?

00:47Lenny and his wife, Rita, have been my next-door neighbors for seven years.

00:52On April 14th, the evening of Mrs. McFarland's heinous murder, where were you, Mrs. Lawrence?

00:58I was in my backyard, planting petunias.

01:03Petunias.

01:04Yes, an annual flower.

01:07But could you describe for the court exactly what you saw that night?

01:10Okay.

01:12I was carrying the flowers into the backyard when I saw Lenny McFarland, the one in the orange jumper, with a red-handled shovel on the table there.

01:25And he was holding it over his head.

01:30Just then, Rita walked out the back door, carrying a tray of fresh lemonade, and he took the shovel and said,

01:42I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

01:55I realize how difficult this is, Mrs. Lawrence, but please, please continue.

02:00He took the shovel and said...

02:14Mrs. Lawrence, I realize this is upsetting, but try to compose yourself, okay?

02:20Mrs. Lawrence, you saw Lenny McFarland strike his wife three times with this shovel.

02:34Thank you, Mrs. Lawrence.

02:35I realize how difficult that was.

02:37I have no further questions, Your Honor.

02:40I'd like to have that last statement read back, please.

02:43He took the shovel and said...

02:47Excuse me, Your Honor, that is not what Mrs. Lawrence said.

02:53I'm sorry.

03:00Thank you, Mrs. Dinkins.

03:01Thank you, Your Honor.

03:02The prosecution rests.

03:03I find the defendant guilty on all counts.

03:05Get him out of my sight.

03:06What?

03:07You're a dead woman, Lawrence.

03:08Would I get in with Mrs. Lawrence?

03:10You're so crazy.

03:40You drive me gone.

04:05You are now watching the TV.

04:09Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome out one of the stars of Party of Five,

04:25Miss Neve Campbell.

04:25Hey, everybody, and welcome to MADtv.

04:41You know, after doing Party of Five for the last few years, it's really nice to take a break

04:45from the heavy, dramatic material.

04:47So tonight, I am really looking forward to doing comedy for a change.

04:50Well, this is definitely the place for you to do it, so...

04:51Yeah?

04:52Yeah.

04:52Okay.

04:53All right.

04:54Here we go.

04:55So a grasshopper walks into a bar.

04:58You know, a regular bar, a neighborly bar, the kind of bar where people go when they're

05:02feeling down and out, when they've lost their job and they really want to lose themselves

05:05as well.

05:06So anyway, this bartender comes up.

05:09Now, here is an interesting guy.

05:12He drops out of high school in 1949, goes to Texas to look for a job in an oil field,

05:16but he hurts his back, ends up back in New York, gets married.

05:19She dies of cancer.

05:22Her brother owns a bar where he gets a job.

05:24Her brother then ends up blowing his head off after he finds out that his wife was having

05:28an affair with another woman, so he inherits the bar.

05:31So anyway, the bartender says to the grasshopper, well, you have, and the grasshopper says, anything,

05:40anything to kill the pain, the pain of my failed life, the misery that swirls around

05:46me and ends only with a sweet release of death.

05:49I, a lowly grasshopper watching through compound eyes, the destruction of my environment with

05:55pesticides and chemicals to witness my sister's legs pulled from her body one by one before

06:00she's pressed on her foot by playful children, her gut squishing like, like cookie dough

06:06through splintered exoskeleton that once held life.

06:11So anyway, the bartender says, huh, you know, we have a drink here named after you.

06:18And the grasshopper, he looks up, his eyes wet with tears, his shoulders racked with sobs

06:24as he thinks of his dead sister and he says, do you have a drink named Irving?

06:30Nothing, nothing, very funny, very funny.

06:42Have a good time, everybody.

06:52Has this ever happened to you?

06:54No need to worry with new Spishwax Car Wax from Spishac.

07:03Spishwax is based on a highly scientific principle.

07:06Difficult to understand, but easy to apply.

07:09See how the water beads?

07:12That's Spishwax protecting your car against water damage.

07:15Unfortunately, Spishwax won't protect your car against...

07:18Spishwax, paint, tar, feathers, guano, shampoo, conditioner, wood stain, mahogany wood stain, eggs, scrambled eggs,

07:40Easter eggs, Easter rocks, baseball mats, bowling balls, chum, potted plants, Jewish weddings, cat litter, neighborhood kids,

08:02chicken and dumplings, Christmas decorations, cinder blocks, sledgehammers, sandwiches, did we mention baseball bats,

08:18boat anchors, and wrecking ball.

08:22So when you think of Car Wax...

08:26Spishac, Spishwax from Spishac, the Cadillac's a Spish...

08:31What'd you do to my car?

08:33What are you...

08:34Ah, hey, ah, hey!

08:39Spishac, Spishwax.

08:41Remember, it's just wax.

08:43You are now watching Mad J.T.

08:58You are now watching Mad J.T.

09:01Hey, welcome to the X News.

09:09I am Amy.

09:11Me, Marsh.

09:11With the election just three days away, it is important that you know about your choices.

09:16Choices.

09:17So tonight...

09:17Tonight...

09:18We have a very special...

09:19Special...

09:20Exclusive...

09:21Edition of X News.

09:23Take it away, Amy.

09:26Republican Bob Stage Dive, Dole, still maintains that his 15% tax cut will fix the economy in four years.

09:36Fix the economy?

09:38Why didn't I think of that?

09:39Why don't they just do a cure cancer amendment?

09:42Hey, that'll cure cancer in four years.

09:44Okay, okay.

09:45The Great Marsh Act will predict the winner, everybody.

09:48Let me look into my magic ball here.

09:51Ew!

09:52Yes?

09:53President Clinton will be elected.

09:54Ew!

09:54The ball has spoken!

09:57The ball has spoken!

09:57Well, guess what, guys?

10:01That means we're left with another self-promoting man.

10:05Another selfish, self-obsessed, self-relying man as our leader.

10:10Yikes!

10:13Yeah, yeah, I've got a message for you, Mr. President, and every other man out there.

10:18Why don't you be extra nice to your first lady like they deserve?

10:22Like, maybe turn off X-Files and talk to me once in a while, Ed!

10:26Ah, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the Ed this morning, huh?

10:31That's right!

10:32The results of the Third Street polls are in, and my boyfriend, Ed, is out!

10:39I'm changing the box, Ed, and I'm trickling down and redistributing your wealth from my apartment

10:44to the streets.

10:45Oh, yes!

10:46I'm having a yard sale, and everything of Ed's must go!

10:50Oh, can I get his bike?

10:51One buck!

10:52Ed, poor thing, right now you're sitting at Video Hut, getting all hot and bothered

10:56because the Laserdisc survival goes bananas have come in, and you're thinking,

11:01oh, I can't wait to get home and ignore my girlfriend!

11:05Well, guess what, Ed?

11:06Game over!

11:07You're being edited out of my life!

11:11Twelve cents short, loser.

11:13Okay, that's the news!

11:15Pay-off!

11:16Pay-off!

11:17Pay-off!

11:18Pay-off!

11:19Pay-off!

11:20Pay-off!

11:21Pay-off!

11:23Pay-off!

11:24Pay-off!

11:25Pay-off!

11:30And now it's time for Incredible Findings with your host, Mike Lawson!

11:40Hey, everybody!

11:42Why am I excited about today's show?

11:44Because we've got a brand new product that everyone tells me is super fantastic.

11:48So let's stop wasting time and bring out our old friend, Tony Bright!

11:58Hello, Mike!

11:59Okay, Tony, never mind the small talk.

12:02What about this product that's supposed to blow our minds?

12:05Hold on, Mike!

12:06First, let me ask you a very important question.

12:09Do you like going to the dentist?

12:10The dentist?

12:11Are you kidding?

12:12I hate going to the dentist, don't you?

12:15Well, what if I would tell you you never have to go to the dentist again?

12:19Wow, never?

12:19That's a long time.

12:20That's right, Mike.

12:22Introducing, dentist in a box.

12:25Dentist in a box?

12:27What in the heck is that?

12:28It's a complete home dental kit from Nubco.

12:30Nubco?

12:31I've heard of them.

12:32They're famous.

12:32That's right, Mike.

12:33They are.

12:34Now you can do all your own dental work right at home.

12:36Whoa.

12:37Are you saying no more driving to the dentist, having to look for a parking spot, sitting

12:42in that dumb waiting room reading those boring magazines?

12:44That's right, Mike.

12:45Right at home.

12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait.

12:49Wait a second, Tony.

12:51How can I do my own dental work?

12:52I'm not a dentist.

12:53You don't have to be, Mike.

12:54And that's the beauty of it.

12:56Dentist in a box comes with all the instructions.

12:58So anyone can do it.

12:59Even you.

13:00Hey.

13:02Do me a favour, Mike.

13:04Take a look at these.

13:05Holy cow.

13:05Those are great looking teeth.

13:07That's right, Mike.

13:08But this is how they looked before.

13:11Yuck.

13:12No offence, Tony, but those were really ugly.

13:15I know, Mike.

13:16Exactly.

13:16So this weekend, I installed my own caps.

13:19Wow.

13:19Aren't they great?

13:21Hey, listen.

13:22What do you say we try it out?

13:24I don't know.

13:25Should we?

13:27Okay.

13:28Now, Mike, weren't you telling me earlier you had a toothache?

13:33Yeah.

13:33It's those darn wisdom teeth.

13:35Two of them are impacted.

13:36Well, what do you say we yanked those buggers out of there?

13:40Maybe you're right, Tony, but I'm a little nervous.

13:42I mean, isn't it going to hurt like heck?

13:43Mike, you've got nothing to be nervous about, Mike.

13:46Ditties in a box comes with laughing gas and Novocaine.

13:51The first thing we're going to do is freeze that jaw.

13:54Okay.

13:55Just find a spot in that jaw muscle and let it rip.

13:59Hey, this is fun.

14:00You're doing fine, Mike.

14:02Wow.

14:03That was super easy.

14:04Good work, Mike.

14:06Now, what say we get those nesty old wisdom teeth?

14:09Okay.

14:11Let me at them.

14:12Good job.

14:14And with Dentist in a Box, you'll learn how to cure gingivitis, plaque buildup and abscesses.

14:19You'll even do your own root canal.

14:21I did it.

14:29Good work, Mike.

14:33Hey, and you know, if you can do it, anybody can.

14:36Hey.

14:40But seriously, Tony, Dentist in a Box is great, but how much does it cost?

14:46Well, Mike, you know, dental school can cost up to $300,000.

14:52Then you've got the cost of office rental, all that equipment.

14:54Come on, Tony.

14:56What's it going to cost?

14:59Mike, I can give you the whole package, the equipment, the instruction book, the instructional

15:03video, for $300.

15:08$300?

15:09You can do better than that, Tony.

15:14All right.

15:14Let me see.

15:15Ham out.

15:17$200?

15:19Well, that's a little better, but we want a real deal.

15:22Right, everybody?

15:24Yay!

15:26All right, Mike.

15:27You drive a hard bag.

15:29And what if I were to say to you, three easy payments of $39.95?

15:37Hey, you're actually going to like it.

15:40So how do you order, Tony?

15:42Send your check or money order to Dentist in a Box, P.O. Box 788, Postal City,

15:45Station C, Farmington, Illinois.

15:46Prohibited by law in all states of Tim, Arkansas, and parts of Hawaii.

15:49Well, that's it for our show.

15:51Thanks for joining us on incredible fightings.

15:53Thank you, Tony.

15:54Thank you, Tony.

15:55Thank you, Tony.

15:56Thank you, Tony.

15:57Thank you, Tony.

15:58Thank you, Tony.

15:59Thank you, Tony.

16:00Thank you, Tony.

16:01Thank you, Tony.

16:02Thank you, Tony.

16:03Thank you, Tony.

16:04Thank you, Tony.

16:05Thank you, Tony.

16:06Thank you, Tony.

16:07Thank you, Tony.

16:08Thank you, Tony.

16:09Thank you, Tony.

16:10Thank you, Tony.

16:11Thank you, Tony.

16:12Thank you, Tony.

16:13Thank you, Tony.

16:14Thank you, Tony.

16:15Thank you, Tony.

16:16Thank you, Tony.

16:17Thank you, Tony.

16:18Thank you, Tony.

16:19Thank you, Tony.

16:20Hey.

16:30Hey, Bailey.

16:31I really need to talk to you about something.

16:33What's up, Jewel?

16:34It's just...

16:35I don't know what to do about Bob.

16:38Bottom line is that he's wrong for you, Jewel.

16:40Maybe I want to be wrong. Maybe I want to...

16:42Well, that's just great, Jewel.

16:43And then when he hurts you, you're going to come to me and I'm going to feel your hurt.

16:46We're both going to be hurt.

16:47And then there's going to be nobody left to feel us hurt when we're hurting.

16:50It really hurts.

16:52It makes me feel like...

16:55Jewel, I'm here for you, okay?

17:00Always.

17:11Hey.

17:13Hey.

17:14Hey.

17:16Hey.

17:17This is not going to work.

17:19Hey!

17:19What is it?

17:21What's the matter, Jewel?

17:22It's us, Bob.

17:24It's about the fact that...

17:25It's about what I was telling you.

17:31Oh, boy.

17:31Would you let me finish?

17:32Oh, boy.

17:33Whenever you say it's about us, you usually mean it's about Griffin.

17:38I'm right, aren't I?

17:39Tell Bob Dole he's right.

17:41I know it.

17:43I know it.

17:47Is everything okay, Jewel?

17:49I thought I felt you hurting.

17:50Everything's all right.

17:52Thanks, Bay.

17:53You want a piece of me, Bailey?

17:55Eh?

17:56Yeah, I thought so.

17:58I'll be downstairs lifting.

18:01I can't believe I'm still going to vote for you.

18:02Martian.

18:07Bob Dole loves you, Julia.

18:09I'll do anything.

18:10Just name it.

18:12That is just it, Bob.

18:14You're always drowning me in your emotions.

18:16I feel like a sponge who just absorbs everyone's hurt.

18:20And then someone comes along and squeezes me,

18:22and everyone's pain just falls all over the floor,

18:24but no one ever comes to pick it up

18:25because they're all in their rooms hurting.

18:27Wait, go back.

18:32You're a sponge?

18:34That is just it.

18:36You don't get it, and Griffin does.

18:38Griffin does.

18:41Gladiolas.

18:44I can't believe I wrote you this poem.

18:47You don't even deserve to hear it.

18:51Please read it to me, Bob.

18:53Okay.

18:54It's called I Love You, Julia.

18:57I love you, Julia.

18:59Let's face it, you rule you.

19:01I love you so much, I wish there were two of you.

19:04That is sweet.

19:05There's more.

19:06I'm sure there is,

19:07but the important thing is that you wrote it.

19:10I wish I could have written a happy ending to our love.

19:15Oh, well.

19:19Funny thing is,

19:20I can probably win Texas,

19:23but I can't win you.

19:25And Texas doesn't look good naked.

19:27Jewel,

19:31is everything okay?

19:33I thought I felt you hurting again.

19:35Oh, Bailey, love it so hard.

19:37Ow.

19:37What?

19:38What's the matter?

19:39I think I pulled something lifting.

19:42I miss Mom and Dad.

19:45Jinx.

19:45When they strap you in,

20:02the last thing I want you to see is my face.

20:05The face of love.

20:09Ed?

20:10Ed, can you hear me?

20:11You are correct, sir!

20:13Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

20:16Dead McMahon Walking.

20:18Written and directed by Alfred E.D. Cordova.

20:21Starring Susan Sarandon,

20:23Ed McMahon,

20:24and the mighty Carson art players.

20:26Only you know in your heart if you're guilty.

20:29Heart, guilty.

20:30Yes, Johnny.

20:32Who's Johnny?

20:34Ed, am I getting through to you?

20:36Through Johnny.

20:37Ed, yes.

20:39Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

20:40it's one man's struggle with his soul but more so it's one woman's struggle with a guy who just

20:46doesn't get it ed you have to confess for your own inner peace tell me what do you remember from

20:53that fateful night not last night ed i'm talking about before i'm talking about the night it

21:07happened think back

21:14no no ed not the night before last think way back

21:27that's it i've had it let's do it

21:37and now ladies and gentlemen here he is with his last words

21:41dead

21:44mcman walking

21:48now to the parents of the victims i just like to say i'm sorry and by way of making it up to you

21:52you may already be winners winners wait i have in my hand ed the results of your final appeal

22:03tell us a wise one ed mcmahon ed mcmahon and ed mcmahon ed mcmahon ed mcmahon and ed mcmahon

22:14name three things that are most definitely going to fry

22:21to fry

22:32may a thousand pregnant camels give birth in your hot tub

22:36And look for more upcoming and exciting sequels.

23:07Coming up on MADtv...

23:09You know what I hate?

23:10No!

23:11Country music!

23:14With fruit?

23:15Yeah!

23:16Yeah!

23:17Yeah, I think it!

23:19No, I have no fruit.

23:21Shut up, stupid!

23:24Yeah!

23:36Hey, I'm Amy, and welcome to the X News.

23:52How, Amy?

23:53I am the one they call Marsh.

23:57Most people think there are only two bad choices for president, when in fact, there are many,

24:03many bad choices.

24:05The former Hamburglar, H. Ross Perot, is running as a Reform Party candidate.

24:11He promises to take government away from the politicians and give it back to the crazy

24:16multi-billionaires!

24:18Hooray!

24:19Finally someone who speaks for us, Marsh!

24:21Yes, yes, yes, the common multi-billionaire.

24:24Next up, this guy.

24:27Libertarian candidate...

24:30I don't know.

24:32Uh, got me.

24:33Okay, let's take some calls.

24:35Maybe somebody out there can give us a clue about Mr. Wuzzahoozits.

24:38Uh, give us a call at 1-800-X-NEWS.

24:41You're on my air.

24:43Howard Stern rules!

24:44Bye-bye, boo-y!

24:45Excellent point, caller.

24:48All right, caller number two, you're on the air!

24:51Amy, it's Ed.

24:51We gotta talk.

24:52Go watch a video, loser.

24:54I'm not talking to you.

24:56Hey, Amy, why are you being so Kramer vs. Kramer?

24:58Look, look, please don't hang up, okay?

25:00I really need to talk to you.

25:02Oh, okay, Eddie.

25:04Wine and pine away.

25:06Where the f*** is my bike?

25:10It's not your bike anymore, Ed.

25:11All right, you know what?

25:12That's it.

25:13It's payback time, Amy.

25:14Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do, tough guy?

25:17You remember that movie When a Stranger Calls?

25:19Yeah.

25:20I'm calling from inside your house.

25:23Ah!

25:24Oh, that was a cool movie.

25:26Oh, Marsh, let me borrow your bike quick!

25:28Uh, no.

25:29Ah!

25:30That's it for the ex-lover's news.

25:32Whatever.

25:32Ah!

25:33Amen and amen, praise Jesus.

25:46Hallelujah.

25:48Before we start this morning's sermon glory, there's something I need to say.

25:51That's what I want now.

25:52In the wake of these destructive hell fires that have consumed more than 40 houses of worship nationwide, have mercy.

26:00Amen.

26:01We are here to give thanks for this beautiful new building, which was graciously rebuilt and paid for by our dear, dear friends and benefactors here in the local business community.

26:12Amen.

26:13Amen.

26:14Amen.

26:15Amen.

26:16Amen.

26:17Amen.

26:22Amen.

26:23Amen.

26:24Amen.

26:25Amen.

26:26Amen.

26:27Amen.

26:28Amen.

26:29Amen.

26:30Amen.

26:31Amen.

26:32Amen.

26:33Amen.

26:34Amen.

26:35Amen.

26:36Amen.

26:37Amen.

26:38Amen.

26:39Amen.

26:40Amen.

26:41Amen.

26:42Amen.

26:43Amen.

26:44Amen.

26:45Amen.

26:46Amen.

26:47Amen.

26:48Amen.

26:49Amen.

26:50Amen.

26:51Amen.

26:52or delivery with eight convenient locations to serve you they didn't have nothing like that

27:01i said they didn't have nothing like that all they had with five small fish two meager loaves

27:09of bread but jesus performed america and it gave them multitudes the strength to carry on

27:16because they had to walk for miles they didn't have no rental car in the local business community

27:22the way you and i got tj mosley cars police

27:28wouldn't they have loved to been driving a brand new seven minivan a ford pickup truck

27:36with factory air am fm for only 29.95 a day

27:43finance included provided you returns the vehicle with a full tank of gas

27:5029.95 of a day now that's america

27:58you know you know even jesus couldn't get a credit card unless you had some money

28:01and you can't get a credit card unless you got good credit because these folks was poor they

28:08didn't have no excellent credit rating then along comes statin bank charge card the only charge card

28:15for all your financial needs regardless of your past credit history glory

28:18statin bank charge card took a chance on jesus you take a chance on folks like you and me

28:23glory all right all right all right let the choir sing mr gilmore all right

28:35well i was

28:38and all alone

28:40all alone

28:41without a thing

28:42without a thing

28:43all my own

28:45all my own

28:46well i needed clothes

28:48need it

28:49closed

28:49had a new tv

28:50new tv

28:52had no money

28:53no money

28:54those things aren't free

28:56no no

28:57i'll do one fine morning

28:59one fine morning

29:00take my salvation

29:01yeah

29:02standin bank charge card

29:04standin bank

29:05when i've been patient

29:08and now i'm happy

29:09i'm so happy

29:10i'm through and broke

29:12oh yeah

29:17standin bank charge card

29:22oh

29:26oh

29:27i said

29:28oh

29:30oh

29:32oh

29:34oh

29:38yeah

29:38oh

29:40oh

29:43do you

29:45oh

29:47Yeah!

29:49Woo!

29:51Charge!

29:55Charge!

30:17Charge!

30:19Charge!

30:21Charge!

30:23Charge!

30:25Charge!

30:31You are me!

30:35You are me!

30:37You are me!

30:39Hi!

30:41Hey, welcome to the X-News. I am Amy.

30:47Me, Big Chief Running Marsh.

30:49Sorry about taking your land, dude.

30:51It's not over.

30:53Okay, now for our final political editorial.

30:55Here's our analyst, Burt.

30:57Burt.

30:59Not so fast, Tex. Burt couldn't be here tonight,

31:01so now it's time for our first ever X-News debate.

31:03What?

31:04Yes, we will once and for all get to the bottom of who is right and who is wrong.

31:07On the right, we have Ed.

31:09Yo, Marshall's up, huh?

31:11Yes. On the wrong, we have Amy.

31:13I, Marshall, act as moderator.

31:15Son of a bitch!

31:16Yes. Opening statement, Ed.

31:18How dare you show your face here after you trashed my room!

31:21First of all, Amy, you selling my bike was a deliberate act of terrorism.

31:26That is why I terminated your room with extreme prejudice.

31:29Ooh.

31:30For their sake.

31:31I did not want to do that, but a strong decision had to be made.

31:34That's what this is about. Strong decisions.

31:36This is my Independence Day.

31:38Oh, you're a man for the people, Ed.

31:40Amy, petty response?

31:42Uh...

31:44And on to the lightning round!

31:47Ed, rebuttal?

31:49You never once set the VCR right.

31:51I mean, I've got like eight tapes of Fox After Breakfast.

31:53Oh, come on.

31:54AM, PM, SLPM.

31:56How come those machines are so intricate?

31:58Ah, sounds like you're waffling, Amy.

32:00Your breath stinks!

32:02Oh, yeah? Well, you're socially retarded.

32:04Yeah, well, you peed the bed when that guy tried to break in.

32:07Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

32:09Yo, forget this!

32:10You said you'd give me my bike back. Give it.

32:12Genius got drunk and lost it.

32:15Why don't you ask him where it is?

32:17Stick to the issues, please!

32:19What's she talking about, Marsh?

32:20Your time is up!

32:21Where's my bike, Marsh?

32:23Why don't you ask your magic ball, Marsh?

32:26Where is it?

32:27Chinatown!

32:28What?

32:29That's the news!

32:31Where are you going? Where's my bike?

32:32Get out of here!

32:34Get out of here!

32:44Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Anton!

32:46Yay!

32:53You know what I hate?

32:55What?

32:56When I drop my toothbrush near the toilet!

32:59Yeah!

33:00Yeah!

33:01You know what I hate?

33:02What?

33:03Using it after I drop it by the toilet!

33:06Yeah!

33:07Yeah!

33:08You know what I hate?

33:09What?

33:10When I get that little hangnail, that little piece of skin, I pull it.

33:14I end up pulling that little piece of skin past my rib cane!

33:18Yeah!

33:19Yeah!

33:20You know what I hate?

33:21What?

33:22What?

33:23Hootie!

33:24I hate that guy!

33:26Hootie, I hate!

33:28But I love the blowfish!

33:30I love them!

33:31What are you doing with that Hootie guy?

33:34Get away from him!

33:35Run, little blowfish!

33:36Run!

33:39You know what I hate?

33:40What?

33:41Country music!

33:47Yeah!

33:48I don't know what country that's from but it sure as hell isn't mine!

33:54I like to get them on a bus and put them in the bus and take them down to the equator.

33:59You know, put hats on them and then put them right out there and put some honey on the hats and let the National Guard of Equator Land come out!

34:06They just put their hands in vices so they have that little twangy drawl there.

34:11Yeah!

34:12Yeah!

34:13Yeah!

34:14Yeah!

34:15Yeah!

34:17You know what I hate?

34:18What?

34:19When my underwear goes way, way, way, way up my butt!

34:32Wait, I like that.

34:34You know what I love?

34:36What?

34:37Spring in Minnesota!

34:39Oh, when the snow melts and there's money and gold on the ground or maybe grandma after she ran away at Christmas time.

34:51But you know what I hate?

34:52What?

34:53That guy on TV!

34:55You know that guy who's always on TV, always going to hang on the TV and he's got that thing hang on the TV.

35:02I hate that guy!

35:05You know what I love?

35:06What?

35:07Halloween!

35:08Yeah!

35:09There's nothing quite like the look on a little kid's face after he takes a bite out of a caramel-covered onion.

35:21Yeah!

35:22You know what scares me?

35:25What?

35:26Vans with no windows.

35:28You know what I love?

35:31What?

35:32Kitten pie!

35:33Did I say kitten pie?

35:37I meant pecan pie!

35:38Pecan pie!

35:39Pecan pie!

35:40You know what I hate?

35:41What?

35:42When somebody says something to you and you can't think of something to say back to them, like that one time I saw the guy from TV with the thing, you know?

35:54He's talking to me.

35:55And he says something to me.

35:56And so I couldn't, but I got something to say now.

36:01Shut up, stupid!

36:02Shut up, stupid!

36:03Yeah!

36:04Yeah!

36:05Yeah!

36:06Yeah!

36:07Yeah!

36:08Yeah!

36:09Yeah!

36:10Yeah!

36:11Yeah!

36:13Yeah!

36:14That's it.

36:15That's it.

37:15Here you go. Enjoy your flight. Next.

37:25Afternoon, ma'am. May I have your ticket, please?

37:26Uh-huh.

37:27Will you be checking any luggage today?

37:29Yeah, I've just got this one bag.

37:32Okay, Miss Leonard, I'm required to ask you a few questions, so just take a minute.

37:36And may I see some photo ID, please?

37:37Oh, for certain.

37:41All right.

37:42Did you receive any gifts or packages to carry on the plane?

37:45No.

37:46Did anyone besides yourself handle your luggage today?

37:48No.

37:50Nobody else touched your luggage?

37:54No.

37:55Come on.

37:58Nobody?

37:59You brought that bag all the way here and nobody so much as laid a finger on it?

38:03I mean, not your boyfriend, a cab driver?

38:05Oh, well, the taxi driver did take it out of the trunk for me.

38:09So someone else did touch your luggage.

38:12Are you aware, Miss Leonard, that it is a federal offense punishable by imprisonment to lie in response to any of these questions?

38:16No, no. I just forgot. I didn't lie.

38:18But someone did touch your luggage.

38:21Well, yeah, but just for a second.

38:24Could you step back behind that white line, please?

38:25Oh, come on.

38:28What is this?

38:30Do you have any fruit in your luggage?

38:32Yeah.

38:33Yeah, I got 20 pounds of bananas and Curious George in my handbag, all right?

38:37You think it's funny putting the lives of 278 people at risk?

38:42With fruit?

38:46No.

38:48No, I have no fruit.

38:49Just a few more questions and you can be on your way.

38:54Did you pack any explosives in your luggage today?

38:57Plastique, grenade, Simtex, C4, nitroglycerin?

39:00No!

39:01Did the cab driver and if so, what kind of explosives?

39:03No kind. I didn't have time to do anything with my bag.

39:05Honestly, there is nothing in my bag but clothes.

39:08Could you please take your hands off of the counter?

39:13Could you put them where I can see them?

39:16And step back behind the white line.

39:25Now, have you ever been to the World Trade Center?

39:27No.

39:29Wait, wait, yeah, yeah, I have.

39:31Yes.

39:34I was part of a tour.

39:36I see.

39:38Are you now or have you ever been a member of any terrorist organization

39:41that advocates the use of violence?

39:43No!

39:44There's no need to shout, Miss Leonard.

39:46If you're telling the truth, these answers should come easily to you.

39:48Now, are you the leader of any terrorist organization that advocates the use of violence?

39:56Would you be willing to take a bullet for the head of state sitting next to you?

39:58No.

39:59No?

40:00I mean, yeah.

40:01Is it your life's work to undermine and eventually overthrow democracy throughout the world?

40:08I work in an antique store!

40:10You're shouting again, Miss Leonard.

40:11Why is that?

40:14I'm sorry.

40:16Hands!

40:18You're shaking, Miss Leonard.

40:19Are you nervous?

40:20You seem very nervous to me.

40:21Are you nervous?

40:21Mm-hmm.

40:22You are?

40:23Yeah.

40:24Good.

40:25Okay.

40:25We're all set to go, then.

40:27Here's your ID, your ticket, and your boarding pass is inside.

40:31Enjoy your flight.

40:35Wish they were all that easy.

40:36Thanks.

40:37Thanks.

40:39Thanks.

40:40Thanks.

40:41Thanks.

40:42Thanks.

40:43Thanks.

40:44Thanks.

40:45Thanks.

40:46Thanks.

40:47Thanks.

40:48Thanks.

40:49Thanks.

40:50Thanks.

40:51Thanks.

40:52Thanks.

40:53Thanks.

41:22Well, that's it. I hope you guys enjoyed yourselves.

41:39I want to thank the cast so, so, so, so much

41:42for letting me join in the comments.

41:47And I want to remind everybody at home

41:49to keep watching MADtv.

41:50And, um, and if any of you like scary movies,

41:55I have a movie called Scream coming out December 20th, so.

41:57Ah!

42:00Nice.

42:01Bye!

42:09Hey, happy birthday, Grandma!

42:11Happy 90th birthday, Grandma!

42:13In Milwaukee. My grandma in Milwaukee.

42:15It's her birthday. It's her happy birthday.

42:17Happy birthday.

42:19I love you, Grandma!

42:20I love you!

42:21I love you!

42:22I love you, Grandma!

42:23I love you!

42:24What?

42:25I love you!

42:26I love you too!

42:27I totally don't care!

42:28I love you too!

42:31Uh.

42:32Yeah.

42:34Phil or someone.

42:35You 하면 if you want to come in board.

42:39काम ओालाव्टशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशशश श।

42:40And one of them, and one of them, and one of them.

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