- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 4
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:00On the next MADtv, Hollywood hunk Jack Wagner drives Miss Dixie crazy.
00:06I can't believe I'm not Budda.
00:07I think I'm going to cry.
00:09I'd cry too if I still had tear ducts.
00:11A scandalous confession.
00:13What is your favorite TV show?
00:15Bud likes Muppet, baby.
00:16And it's the mother of all teases.
00:18I know nothing of removing my clothing for strangers.
00:21Then we'll practice.
00:22Next on MADtv.
00:25You are now watching MADtv.
00:30Okay, here comes.
00:33I got her in my sights here, Chief.
00:34I got her in my sights.
00:35And she's loaded.
00:35And we got one, two, three, and one.
00:37Hello, baby.
00:38Here we go.
00:41MADtv.
00:49I'd swear that checkout boy was checking you out more than our groceries.
00:54Mom.
00:58Dina.
01:00Didn't you just buy maxi pads last night?
01:03Mom.
01:03You know it's my heavy time.
01:06I think it's time I let you in on a little womanly secret.
01:09The Spishak once a year maxi pad.
01:12The Spishak once a year maxi pad?
01:15Believe it or not, I'm wearing one now.
01:18Wow.
01:19It looks comfy.
01:21Oh, it is.
01:21Well, I've been wearing mine since last Christmas.
01:24Maybe I should try the Spishak once a year maxi pad.
01:31Invented by a team of female drywall contractors, the Spishak once a year maxi pad is a new concept in convenience and comfort.
01:38Ordinary maxi pads can only absorb about a teaspoonful of liquid.
01:41The Spishak once a year maxi pad can absorb as much liquid as the entire annual rainfall of the city of Seattle.
01:47Mom, you're the best.
01:52No, honey.
01:52The Spishak is.
01:55Whoa.
01:56Woo!
01:56The Spishak once a year maxi pad.
02:01Inresponsibly observed.
02:14Come on, come on.
02:15Hey, you're so crazy.
02:26You're so crazy
02:44You brought me gone
02:48You are not watching the TV
02:57Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Wagner.
03:04Hey, how you doing?
03:07How you doing? I'm Jack Wagner. I'm going to be hosting Mad TV tonight.
03:11Hey, but most importantly, how about this shot?
03:13Oh, look at the lie we got. Artie, hey, buddy, come on out.
03:16Look what we got here, huh?
03:17How about this? Look at the lie we got.
03:19Yeah, great shot, Jack.
03:20Hey, it's about the caddy, the club selection. We're a team, pal, right?
03:24Yeah, listen, does Andy Shue carry your clubs around on the set of Melrose Place?
03:30Actually, he doesn't talk to me.
03:34As a matter of fact, none of the actors over there talk to me.
03:37Which is why I'm so happy to be here.
03:38I mean, you guys are so great here.
03:40I mean, you're all so funny and fun and everything.
03:42I just love it.
03:43Listen, you know, I've never played this studio before.
03:45What club do you think I ought to use?
03:48Listen, Jack, I'm kind of busy right now.
03:50We've got to do the show. I can't do this.
03:52Well, I know. It's going to be great.
03:53The show's going to be terrific.
03:54But, you know, that cabana chat said it's about 160 yards, right?
03:57What do you think? Like a nice cut seven iron into there?
04:00Sounds great.
04:00Or a hard eight.
04:01I mean, we can hit the easy seven, the hard eight.
04:03What do you think, pal?
04:05Both.
04:07Both. I mean, that is hysterical.
04:08I mean, is he funny or what?
04:09Let's just, we'll just go with the seven, okay?
04:11Let's kick it out here and go with the seven.
04:18Marty, you're the caddy.
04:19You have to hand me the club.
04:21That's your job.
04:25Thank you very much, huh?
04:27Yo, a little dirt on there.
04:28Give that a wipe, will you, babe?
04:29You know, Jack, you're a guest here, so I won't hit you.
04:41These people are hysterical around here, huh?
04:44I love you, man.
04:46Oh, well, we'll just play without him.
04:48Okay, enjoy the show tonight, okay, folks?
04:49Hey, Artie, I'm really sorry, man.
04:56Yeah, not a problem, Jack.
04:58All right, I love you.
05:00Yeah, love you, Jack.
05:01This is great.
05:01Enjoy the show tonight.
05:03Somebody get these, will you?
05:04Thanks.
05:11Outstand!
05:16Outstand!
05:19You are now watching Mad City.
05:33Welcome!
05:34This is Cabalichat, and this is Dixie Wetsworth.
05:41You like?
05:42I like.
05:46Give it up for Dexter St. Croix.
05:48Lord knows I have.
05:56How are you today, my chocolate thunder?
06:00Oh, come see, come saw.
06:02Why don't you come over here for a little dip in Dixie's pool?
06:06I'm just too afraid of drowning in Dixie's deep end.
06:08Touché, my dusky stallion.
06:15Do us a favor and play in my saucy co-host, Pool Boy!
06:20Cooley, before you sit down, would you mind picking up that quarter for me?
06:34Sure.
06:40You like?
06:41I like.
06:44Hey!
06:45Someone glued it to the floor!
06:47Kel Suprise!
06:48Say, Pooley, I was at Mishima's this morning having my fat sucked, when who should I see there but Pamela Lee?
06:57She's a great actress.
06:59She's absolutely bulbous.
07:01I raced home and woke up my husband, Arthur the banker, and I said, Arthur, we need a new set, and I'm not talking television.
07:08You're just too evil, Miss Dixie.
07:14And you are my licorice liberaci.
07:19Our guest today on Cabana Chat, and this will be a real surprise for Pool Boy, is the star of the only television show that matters, Melrose Place.
07:29Please give a warm welcome to Jack Wagner!
07:33Jack, darling, welcome to Cabana Chat.
07:47Dixie, my love, it is my pleasure to be here.
07:52Hi, Jack Wagner from Melrose Place.
07:56That's Pool Boy, and over on percussion we have Dexter St. Croix.
08:00Hello, Dexter.
08:02Enchanté, Jack.
08:03So, Jack, tell us, what's it like being a hunk?
08:08Well, you have no idea, Dixie.
08:10It's a day-in, day-out grind of keeping my body in peak condition.
08:15Also, the right eating and the proper research.
08:18Being a hunk is much tougher than anyone may think.
08:22Hey, Jack Wagner from Melrose Place.
08:23Dixie thinks that I'm a hunk.
08:25The question is, a hunk of what?
08:28Dexter, I had to wash your mouth out with my tongue.
08:31You're killing me, Miss Dixie.
08:35As you know, I'm a doctor on the show.
08:39Oh, are you a gynecologist?
08:42Please say yes.
08:42As I was saying...
08:45Hey, Jack Wagner from Melrose Place, how does a doctor find time to act?
08:48I'm sorry, Jack.
08:53Pool boy's like a Picasso.
08:55He looks fabulous, but you have no idea what he's trying to say.
09:00As I was saying...
09:01Hey, Jack Wagner from Melrose Place, can I ask you one more question?
09:03He usually only gets one question, but today he's a little bit excited.
09:07If you're trying to cheer things up at a funeral, do you think it's okay to come dressed as a clown?
09:14What?
09:15If you're trying to cheer things up at a funeral...
09:17I heard what you said.
09:19Why am I talking to a pool boy?
09:21By the way, what is a pool boy?
09:24What do you do?
09:26Well, in addition to picking up towels...
09:29Which can be heavy when wet.
09:31Yes.
09:32He's also a trained dancer.
09:34Pool boy, show him.
09:35Dexter!
09:36I can't believe I'm not butter.
09:57Well, I don't know what that was, but for your information, I was trained in the theater.
10:02The musical theater where you learn to sing, act, and...
10:06Dance.
10:07Yes, sir!
10:10I think I'm gonna cry.
10:31I'd cry, too, if I still had tear ducts.
10:34Pooley, I'm sorry.
10:37I think we found ourselves a new pool boy.
10:41Well, why?
10:42It's not fair.
10:43I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn dead.
10:46Jack, will you be our new pool boy?
10:48Absolutely not.
10:50Pooley, breathe.
10:51We all know there's only one real pool boy.
10:59That's our show for today.
11:00I'd like to thank Jack Wagner for being enough of a gentleman to wait till after the show to ring my bell like the hunchback of Notre Dame.
11:07This has been Cabana Chat, and this is Dixie Wedgler.
11:15Oh, boy, dance!
11:18We all know there's only one real pool boy, and this is Dixie Wedgler, and this is Dixie Wedgler, and this is Dixie Wedgler, and this is Dixie Wedgler, and this is Dixie Wedgler.
11:35Unfreaking-credible!
11:38Unfreaking-believable!
11:41Re-freaking-diculous!
11:4538 zip, 38 goals for them, and nothing for us!
11:50Are you kidding me?
11:52Are you kidding me?
11:54We're trying our best, Coach.
11:56Hey, if this hand here represents maximum effort, you, you're way to hell over here!
12:02And that is why my sweet little girls are getting their asses handed to them out there!
12:09Well, I have another theory, Coach.
12:10Maybe the reason we're losing is because we're playing without sticks.
12:14Hey!
12:15Hey!
12:16We covered this.
12:17Didn't we cover this, Dombrowski?
12:19No, actually, we didn't, Coach.
12:20You came in and said,
12:21Okay, boys, we're gonna play this one without sticks.
12:24We all said,
12:25What?
12:25And then we went out and played without sticks.
12:27No, no, no, no.
12:28No, no, no.
12:29You look!
12:30You look, and you learn!
12:31See this here?
12:32This means nothing!
12:34This is simple, folks!
12:36This is it, sports fans!
12:38Nothing!
12:39Learn and see...
12:40Where's everybody else?
12:43Where do you think they are?
12:45We're down by 38.
12:46Yeah, they went home.
12:48They quit.
12:49Quit what?
12:50We just spent a half an hour trying to kick a puck around while an arena full of people laughed at us.
12:54Yeah, yeah.
12:55You wanna know why they were laughing at you?
12:57I'll tell you why.
12:59Because you don't have this.
13:00Is that what I think it is, Coach?
13:05It's a heart, and it's what this team doesn't have.
13:08What the hell are you doing with a human heart, Coach?
13:11I'm using it to illustrate a point.
13:14No, I think he means, what the hell are you doing with a human heart, Coach?
13:18Um, I think we've got bigger concerns right now than what I do with my spare time.
13:22Okay, then where are our sticks?
13:25Yeah, we don't even have a goalie.
13:27Yeah.
13:27So?
13:28What's your point, boy?
13:29Did Moses have a goalie when he parted the Red Sea?
13:32Was there a goalie at the Alamo?
13:35Let's stick to the body parts.
13:36Um, where'd you get the thing?
13:39Where'd you think I got the damn thing?
13:42Well, I think all of our guesses are going to reflect badly on you, Coach, so I think
13:47maybe you should just tell us.
13:48My father was a hockey coach and his father before him.
13:51This has been passed down for the sole purpose of illustrating a point.
13:55Well, if it's been passed down, how come it's still dripping blood?
13:57What else am I going to keep a heart in?
14:00Wheat?
14:01It's a heart.
14:01I keep it in fresh blood.
14:03All right, you know, I'm out of here.
14:05You guys coming?
14:06Yeah.
14:07Re-freaking-diculous.
14:08Re-freaking-diculous!
14:12You going to run home to Mama, too?
14:13No, I came to play.
14:15Is that right, boy?
14:17Yeah, that's right.
14:18Are you going to give me 200%?
14:20You know I'm going to give you 200%.
14:22Are you going to prove it to me, boy?
14:24Yeah!
14:25And kiss me.
14:27What?
14:30Kiss me.
14:35All right.
14:36That'll do for now.
14:37Let's go kick some butt.
14:38All right!
14:39Let's go, let's go!
14:40Yeah!
14:40Yeah!
14:57Touchstone Pictures proudly presents the feeling really good movie of the season.
15:10She has chosen to dedicate her life to those whom others regard as human debris.
15:17In her proudest role yet, Demi Moore is Mother Teresa in Mother of Mercy.
15:28Mother Teresa, this baby has not eaten in three days.
15:32But there must be something to feed this poor child.
15:34Oh, but the drought has destroyed the crops and dried up the rivers.
15:38I'm afraid there's no way to feed this child.
15:40Well, except possibly...
15:43Here.
15:51Feed that child.
15:53Yes, please feed him.
15:54Oh, my God!
15:55I am underfoot as well!
15:58Her mercy knows no bounds, and her dedication to the downtrodden is tireless.
16:04Mother Teresa, thank God you could make it.
16:07It's my father.
16:08He has the malaria.
16:10He's freezing.
16:11Have you no blankets?
16:12All the blankets in the village were eaten by...
16:15By locusts.
16:18Big locusts.
16:19With giant teeth.
16:21If only there was something to cover him with.
16:23What with him freezing and everything?
16:27Then we have no choice.
16:28It's the inspiring story of how the will and determination of one woman saved an entire village.
16:52I am afraid we are going to need 2,000 rupees to save the mission.
16:56Oh, but we must save the mission for the children.
16:59But where, oh, where can we find those kind of rupees?
17:03Wait!
17:05Oh, no.
17:06That would never work.
17:08What?
17:09Well, I heard they're having some sort of contest in Calcutta,
17:12where where-and-down women remove their clothing.
17:15That's right.
17:16And first prize is 2,000 rupees.
17:19Ah, but who could we find to enter such a contest, huh?
17:22Yeah, that's a tough one.
17:24A female, well-endowed...
17:27Baby, I could...
17:28It's like our agile minds.
17:32You have to think really hard.
17:33There must be someone who can...
17:35I will do it.
17:36Good thinking!
17:37For the children!
17:38Because what else is a woman to do when she's a single mother,
17:41left all alone in an immoral world,
17:44caring for mankind's children,
17:46fighting for humanity?
17:47Exactly!
17:48Strip!
17:49But I know nothing of removing my clothing for strangers.
17:53Then we'll practice.
17:54We'll practice day and night if we have to.
17:55Achah!
17:57It's Mother Teresa,
17:58as you've never seen her before.
18:01And Demi Moore,
18:03as you've seen her lots of times.
18:06Oh, what the hell?
18:07It's worth seeing again.
18:08Mother of Mercy.
18:10Coming to a theater near you.
18:12Well, when can I get one?
18:23Look, I really can't work without it.
18:26Actually, that is a problem.
18:27Yes.
18:29All right.
18:30Okay, when?
18:32Fine.
18:33Okay.
18:36Hi!
18:36You must be the new guy, huh?
18:37I'm Roger.
18:38Hi, Mark.
18:39Hi, how you doing?
18:40So, how's your first day going, huh?
18:43Well, to be perfectly honest, it's not.
18:45I mean, I've spent the entire morning
18:47sitting here on the phone
18:47trying to get a lamp for my desk.
18:50Really?
18:52Yeah.
18:53The people in supplies told me
18:54that they're out of lamp money for the year.
18:59They told you that, did they?
19:01Yeah.
19:02I mean, look at this.
19:03I have absolutely nothing.
19:05You know, I've worked in a lot of offices,
19:07but I've never, ever had to work
19:09under these kind of conditions before.
19:11I mean, it's just ridiculous.
19:13It's like, how do they expect you
19:14to do your job, you know?
19:16With absolutely nothing to do it with.
19:18It just doesn't make sense.
19:24I'll be back in a minute.
19:26What are you doing?
19:30Getting you a lamp.
19:31Roger's desk.
19:41No, this is Mark.
19:42The new guy.
19:44Well, he just went to get me a lamp.
19:47As a matter of fact,
19:47I'm absolutely out of supplies.
19:49I have nothing.
19:51What do you mean, good?
19:52Hello?
19:53Hello?
19:55Oh, great, you got the lamp.
19:59Thanks a lot.
20:03Is there anything else?
20:05No, no, no, no.
20:07Don't bother yourself.
20:09You're sure?
20:12I mean,
20:13it'd be nice to have a pencil sharpener.
20:16And some pencils.
20:19You know, to sharpen.
20:21Not to mention some paper to write on.
20:24Just basic office supplies
20:25is all I'm asking for.
20:27Done.
20:28Thanks, man.
20:29I really appreciate you getting...
20:30Are you sure that there's nothing else?
20:33I could use a computer.
20:43Unless that's a problem.
20:45You know, I mean,
20:46if it's a problem,
20:47then, you know,
20:47don't worry about it.
20:49It'd be nice to have a computer,
20:54but, you know,
20:56just to do the work,
20:57but it...
20:58Is that all?
21:09Love a coffee mug.
21:10I don't do coffee mugs.
21:11Right.
21:15I'll be a while.
21:15I'll be a while.
21:15Coming up on MADtv.
21:34I, Janet Snyder,
21:36do ask Dr. Jack Kevorkian
21:39to assist me
21:40in taking my own life.
21:44I, too, felt the pain
21:45of surging adolescent hormones.
21:46The thing is,
21:47if she does the nasty with him,
21:49he might take her for a hoe.
21:51You are made.
21:52You are made.
21:54Hi, and welcome
22:08to the 1996 presidential debate
22:10sponsored by
22:11Pre-Teen Beat magazine
22:12and Cal Worthington Middle School.
22:14Go Bobcats!
22:14Bobcats!
22:15No!
22:15No, no, no, just kidding.
22:16Okay.
22:17Hi, I'm class president
22:18Cindy with two E's, okay?
22:20Henderson,
22:21and today's guest panelists
22:22are Tiffany Shaksberg
22:24and Derek Poland.
22:25That's Poland.
22:26So what?
22:26Who cares, do we?
22:27Okay, our first question
22:29is from Tiffany.
22:31Mr. Dole,
22:31this is a very important question
22:33that's on the minds
22:33of the youth of America today.
22:35What is your favorite TV show?
22:37Muppet Babies.
22:38Bob Dole likes Muppet Babies.
22:42Mr. Clinton, same question.
22:44Well, my favorite show
22:45is Party of Five.
22:46It's an in-depth and honest look
22:47at how a family deals
22:48with real problems.
22:49And I'll tell you something else.
22:51That Julia is a stone fox.
22:53Oh, cool.
22:55Okay, the next question
22:56is for Mr. Dole.
22:58Mr. Dole,
22:59my sister's dating this guy
23:00from Madison High.
23:01Should she go all the way?
23:03No.
23:05Kids, just say no
23:06to premarital sex.
23:07Bob Dole did
23:08and still does.
23:09All right.
23:10Okay, rebuttal goes
23:12to Mr. Clinton.
23:13Well, Cindy,
23:13I too have felt the pain
23:14of surging adolescent hormones.
23:16The thing is,
23:17if she does the nasty with him,
23:18he might take her for a hoe.
23:20So I say slot in the third base
23:23and wait for the signal.
23:25Okay?
23:26Okay, cool.
23:26I'll tell her.
23:27Did I say no?
23:30I meant go,
23:31as in go to third base too.
23:33Yes,
23:33Bob Dole used to park
23:34his Studebaker
23:35at third base all the time.
23:37A little parking and spark
23:38would never hurt nobody.
23:40Unless you're a geek,
23:41like Derek over here.
23:42He's a geek.
23:43I'm not a geek.
23:44You're not every time
23:44doctors agree you are a geek.
23:46I am not.
23:46Am too.
23:48Why don't you shut up?
23:49You're just shooing off.
23:50Mr. President,
23:51Tiffany likes you.
23:52Shut up.
23:52Okay, shut up.
23:53We're on TV.
23:53Okay.
23:54Mr. Dole,
23:55what do you and your friends
23:56like to do for fun?
23:57Uh, well,
23:59me and my congressional posse
24:01like to go to the mall
24:02and trade comic books
24:04and listen to the
24:05pumpkin smashing.
24:07You know,
24:08just hang.
24:10Well,
24:10sometimes me and
24:11George Stephanopoulos
24:12like to go to the
24:12Lincoln Memorial
24:13and Huff Whipped Cream
24:14canisters.
24:15I'll tell you,
24:16what a rush.
24:19Sometimes Bob Dole
24:20likes to balance
24:21on a high tension wire
24:22or a crowd
24:23into a telephone booth.
24:24Now,
24:24there's a party.
24:26Oh,
24:26good save.
24:27Not okay.
24:28Dork,
24:29oops,
24:29I meant Derek.
24:30Oh,
24:30you're going to get it
24:30so bad.
24:31All right,
24:32um,
24:32Mr. President,
24:34what would you do
24:35to alleviate
24:36the tension
24:36in the situation
24:37in Iraq?
24:38I'd send you there,
24:39you dork.
24:40Yay,
24:40bye,
24:41bye.
24:42I believe that was
24:43my question.
24:43Yeah,
24:44Bob Dole would
24:45drop Derek
24:46behind enemy lines
24:47and dork bomb him,
24:48the geek.
24:49Dead geek.
24:50You don't know.
24:52Be quiet.
24:52I have a question
24:53for the president,
24:55the real president,
24:56not you.
24:58Um,
24:58Mr. Clinton,
24:59truth or dare?
25:01The truth.
25:02Always the truth.
25:03Okay,
25:04about Whitewater.
25:05Dare.
25:06Dare.
25:08Okay,
25:09um,
25:09I dare you
25:11to eat this bug.
25:12Boo!
25:13Well,
25:14um,
25:14actually,
25:15Derek,
25:15I'm on a strict diet.
25:16My doctor says
25:17that I can't eat a bug
25:18unless I...
25:19Yeah,
25:19he's wavering again,
25:20just like he did
25:21on welfare reform.
25:22Here,
25:22give me that bug.
25:23Here,
25:23take a look.
25:24Here,
25:25Bob Dole's not afraid
25:26to eat a bug.
25:27I used to live on
25:28these things in Anzio
25:29when we were fighting
25:29the Germans.
25:30Here.
25:30Here.
25:30Here.
25:31That's a good bug.
25:32Oh,
25:33man,
25:33that is so hardcore.
25:34Okay,
25:36that's all the time
25:36we have for now.
25:37But tune in next time
25:38when we ask Jack Kemp
25:39and Al Gore
25:40about piercing.
25:42Wait a minute,
25:42I can eat a bug.
25:43I can eat a bug.
25:44I mean,
25:44I had one in my mouth
25:46one time.
25:46That bug didn't sit
25:47very well.
25:47I didn't swallow,
25:48but I didn't.
25:49I'm gonna need
25:49some carbonate soda.
25:50Oh,
25:51man,
25:51I need some carbonate soda.
25:52Oh,
25:53it's just the light.
25:53It was
25:55so cool
25:56but I don't want to
25:57it's so cool.
25:58There's lots of
25:59dancing in the
26:00water.
26:01There's not
26:02the water again.
26:03Here,
26:04I did them
26:05and we have
26:06a gym.
26:06We have
26:07a gym...
26:08doesn't
26:10open
26:14and excuse
26:14while
26:15it's
26:20a gym
26:21sh turns
26:22It's not that bad, it's not that bad.
26:27I'm not sure if I can.
26:30I don't know.
26:33I'm not sure if I can.
26:36I don't know.
26:39I don't know.
26:43I don't know.
26:46I don't know.
26:50Are you sure you want to go through with this, Mom?
27:20Yes. I've thought about it a long time, and it's the only answer.
27:25Now, Janet, you realize for me to go ahead and do this, I've got to get your legal consent.
27:30I understand.
27:31Okay.
27:33I, Janet Snyder, being of sound mind, do ask Dr. Jack Kevorkian to assist me in taking my own life.
27:46Well, Janet, that is all I had to hear.
27:50Because...
27:50Surprise!
27:53Congratulations, Janet!
27:55You've just become my 100th assisted suicide!
27:58What the hell is this, Kevorkian?
28:00I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I wanted it to be a surprise!
28:03This is all for me?
28:04That's right, Janet, because we care about you.
28:07And there's more.
28:08Here's Differt Phillips from the Strict Mind Society to tell you about some of your parting gifts.
28:12Differt!
28:13Good morning, Dr. Jack. Hi, Janet. How are you?
28:16Oh, I've been better.
28:17Good.
28:19Well, first off, Janet, you've won an all-expenses-paid whitewater rafting trip!
28:25Right!
28:26Not only that, Janet, but the BHC home stereo system.
28:31You'll be amazed at how such a big sound can come out of such tiny speakers.
28:35Oh, well, that's perfect, because I've lost some hearing.
28:37And last but not least, Janet, a four-wheel drive range cruiser!
28:42Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! I've always wanted to go four-wheeling!
28:48Well, it's all yours now, Janet. It was almost too late, but we've made your dreams come true!
28:52Oh, this is just great! Now, is the stereo easy to hook up because I'm all thumbs when it comes to wires?
28:58This is supposed to be dignified.
29:00Well, yes, Jeff, but I have a four-by-four!
29:05Who cares about a four-by-four?
29:06Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!
29:07Okay. Janet, sweetheart, it's time to go.
29:17But I don't want to go.
29:21I have a big party, and I've got to go on a whitewater thing.
29:26If the camera's over here, no time to be selfish.
29:29Yes, but Kate!
29:31You can't have a big Kate if you stay.
29:34You don't need to go. You go. Yay!
29:36I don't know. I don't know.
29:37Listen, Janet, you do one thing with your pathetic light. Help me out here, okay? You don't be such a baby.
29:41But I don't know.
29:42Mom, we're not going to do this.
29:43No.
29:43Jeff, Jeff, I hope you realizes who gets the prizes when she dizes.
29:50Come on, Ma, let's do this!
29:54Maybe I should think about this.
29:55Maybe I should think about this.
29:58You, you, you. It's always about you, isn't it?
30:01In ten more minutes, there won't be a you.
30:03Okay, fine. If you won't do it, I'll find somebody else who will.
30:08Anybody here terminal?
30:10Depressed? In pain?
30:12You have a cold.
30:13I heard you cough.
30:17Come on!
30:18I want to kill someone!
30:21Jack, there's always your 2.30, honey.
30:23Not the same!
30:24I didn't know he'd take it like this.
30:26Oh, forget it! Just forget it!
30:28Let's wrap it up.
30:31Way to go, Mom!
30:32I hope you're happy you've really upset the doctor.
30:34I'm sorry.
30:34I'll just take one little roll.
30:36Hi, please help me welcome a very funny comic.
30:52And according to Buzz Magazine,
30:54one of the hundred coolest people in Los Angeles,
30:57put your hands together for Taylor Negron.
31:11Yeah.
31:12Yeah!
31:17You know, these days, people don't keep in touch with themselves.
31:21And in order to touch myself more often,
31:25I keep a diary.
31:27It's helpful.
31:28So, now I would like to read to you
31:30the events of my life leading up to this moment.
31:37Monday.
31:39Macaulay Culkin calls,
31:41inviting me to beer blast and simulated Roman orgy.
31:44Again, I decline.
31:47Mad TV calls, offers me job.
31:49I star 69 them and confirm job.
31:53Go to Starbucks.
31:54Odd, blank, tenacious, jittery, Starbucks.
31:59I spill coffee.
32:01I will sue.
32:03Why are tattoos so popular?
32:06Tuesday.
32:08Awoke this morning to find all the bullets are gone and gone hot.
32:13Fabio comes over for breakfast.
32:15He believes it's butter.
32:17It's not the first time he's been to my house drunk.
32:20My Abflex machine finally arrives.
32:28I quickly do 100 sit-ups the wrong way.
32:31May have damaged kidneys and inside of mouth.
32:37Neighbor Misty calls.
32:39She tells me her sister Leanne is now a missing person.
32:42Mmm.
32:43What would Matlock do?
32:45Wednesday.
32:49Wake up in the fat arms of an Amish woman.
32:52Her father thanks me for insemination.
32:54Later at farm raising, I teach village to dance.
32:58Scripture forbids the electric slide, so I teach them the Macarena.
33:03Jedediah.
33:04He gives me a thank you chicken and my new Amish name, the human churn.
33:09Still no word on Leanne.
33:13Thursday.
33:19Friday.
33:22Wake up and think I'm Jesus.
33:25For three hours, I return all his calls.
33:30Try Abflex machine again.
33:33Actually and literally break my ass.
33:37Saturday.
33:41Need new ass.
33:43Go to Butt Depot.
33:45Get floor model for discount.
33:47It's nice.
33:48It's black and it's been kicked a few times.
33:51Not too crazy about Yosemite Sam tattoo, but I'll be wearing pants.
33:56Scene missing.
33:58Three hours later, wake up on the back of a motorcycle holding onto a young, sexy girl.
34:03It's Leanne.
34:04She says to me, let me take your black ass out of here tonight.
34:09And together, we can forget about everyone and be happy.
34:13I say, great.
34:14But first, can we swing by my house so I can pick up my diary and do my mad TV monologue?
34:20Leanne says, I don't swing that way.
34:23And then she drops me off on the corner of coal and alone.
34:30My diary ends there.
34:33I hope that this has been helpful to you.
35:04Yeah, well, forget it.
35:16No, you got the number.
35:17Five million.
35:18He made four last year.
35:19He batted over 300.
35:20What do you think?
35:21I'm crazy?
35:22I'll send him east.
35:23By morning, he'll be on a plane going east.
35:25That's all I have to say to you.
35:26Hey!
35:27Oh, I got to push you on hold.
35:29Just hold.
35:30Hey.
35:31Hey!
35:31Hey!
35:32Hey!
35:32Hey!
35:33Hey!
35:33Hey!
35:34How you doing, huh?
35:35I'm good, man.
35:36Sit down, sit down.
35:37What's up?
35:37What's up?
35:38Tony said you wanted to see me?
35:39Yeah, yeah.
35:40Hey, you're looking good.
35:41How you feeling?
35:41I'm feeling good.
35:42I feel great, man.
35:42Yeah, you do?
35:43Good, good.
35:44Look, I'll just get right to it, okay?
35:46They're sending you down to the minus, Pete.
35:48They can't send me down.
35:49My slump is over.
35:50I got a hit yesterday.
35:51Yeah, I know, Pete.
35:51That makes you one for 62, okay?
35:54I know it looks bad, but as you're raging, I got to tell you, okay?
35:57It's just a minus setback.
36:00What am I going to do, man?
36:01How am I going to tell Ellen?
36:02Well, I'll take care of that, okay?
36:04I'll talk to her.
36:05I'll paint a pretty picture to Ellen for you, okay?
36:07Hey, look, Pete, I believe in you, okay, man?
36:10All right, okay, man.
36:11I'll get out there.
36:13Okay, good, good.
36:13Now, give him hell for me, will you?
36:15All right, man.
36:15All right.
36:16Hey, hey, I love you, man.
36:17I love you, man.
36:18I love you, man.
36:19All right.
36:22Yeah, he's going east if I don't get the five.
36:24You got it?
36:26Steer right three.
36:27You're out.
36:30Hey.
36:31Hey, there he is on the Pete Rosa heart.
36:34How you doing?
36:35Hey, sit down.
36:35I got some news for you.
36:36Yeah, yeah.
36:37I'm back, right?
36:38They want me back.
36:39I am back in the basement.
36:41Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete.
36:41Hold, hold.
36:42They're sending you back down.
36:43Down where?
36:44I'm already in the minors.
36:45Yeah, I know, but they found a very special preschool league for you.
36:50Preschool league?
36:51Like babies?
36:51They want me to play with a bunch of babies?
36:53Now, hold it.
36:53Now, first of all, it's a very tough division.
36:55And secondly, I think this is the year that preschool baseball is going to go to the top.
36:59All right, then I'll get out there and I will give them hell, man.
37:03And I'm all right, yeah.
37:04Wait, no, I can't, man.
37:05What am I going to tell Ellen?
37:07Oh, look, don't worry about Ellen, okay?
37:09I had lunch with her.
37:10I broke the news to her, okay?
37:11So she's all right.
37:12Yeah, hey, now look, I want you to go out there and I want you to show those kids how a grown
37:16man handles this kind of humiliation.
37:18Okay.
37:18Okay?
37:19All right.
37:19Hey, all right.
37:20Hey, I love you, man.
37:21I like you.
37:22All right, all right.
37:23All right.
37:26Scott!
37:27Wait a minute, kid.
37:29I love you too, Ellen.
37:31Oh, more than anything.
37:32Good.
37:33I'll call you later.
37:35Hello, Pete.
37:36Hey, how you doing?
37:38Uh, Billy Cromwell's mom said you wanted to see me.
37:41Yeah, yeah, you got a minute?
37:42Yeah, we're on nap break.
37:44Oh, okay.
37:44Look, Pete, I think we got a real opportunity here, okay?
37:48I've done some research and, uh, well, they want to send you down to a league for special
37:53people.
37:53Special people?
37:54Yeah, yeah, you know, guys that are a little clumsy in the head.
37:58You know, it's funny, uh, this morning I rolled over in bed and I said to Ellen, I said,
38:03uh, I said, Ellen, if there's a league where old Pete can really shine, this is the one.
38:09And you really think this is the right move?
38:11I think this is our best shot.
38:13All right, then I'll go give them hell.
38:16Give those dummies hell, Pete, okay?
38:18Okay.
38:20Hey, I love you, man.
38:22I know.
38:23Hey, Pete, Pete, sit down, please, please.
38:40Look, look, Pete, I really want to apologize about the, the medication.
38:44You know, I, I, I didn't know they drugged the entire team before every game.
38:48Sorry.
38:48Look, Pete, they're sending you down to the chicken league.
38:52Chicken league?
38:53Yeah.
38:54There's no such thing as a chicken league.
38:56No, no, no, sure there is.
38:57You've seen them before, you know, in the cage.
38:59You see them at, uh, carnivals and stuff, right?
39:01You put a quarter in and the chicken plays baseball.
39:03Well, you're in.
39:04They want me to go in the machine.
39:06With the chicken?
39:07People put in quarters and watch me play baseball.
39:09With the chicken.
39:10It's huge in Japan.
39:12And if I say no?
39:13Just don't, Pete, okay?
39:15Look, I'm sorry.
39:16I, I don't have time to sit around and chat, you know?
39:18Ellen's going into labor and I got to get down to the hospital, okay?
39:22So, look, I got a great feeling about this one, Pete, all right?
39:25Hey, hey, Pete, you know why the chicken didn't cross the road?
39:28Because he didn't want to get his ass kicked by Pete Grand Slam Jackson, eh?
39:33Hey, I love you, man.
39:34I love you.
39:36Yeah, I ought to kick your ass, man.
39:42Come on, give me your best shot.
39:44Come on.
39:45Come on.
39:46Come on.
39:46Come on.
39:52Come on.
40:22Are you in there?
40:28It's Nicole from MADtv.
40:29Just wanted to say hi.
40:31Hello?
40:32Oh, there you are.
40:48Thanks.
40:49Listen, I hope you had a great time because I definitely know I did,
40:52but I'd just like to take a moment, if I could, and give a special thanks to the cast.
40:55I mean, I really felt as though I made some great friends this week, you know?
40:59It's going to be tough actually going back to work at Melrose Place,
41:02but when you work with a group of talented actors slash comedians,
41:06I mean, you just don't understand the feeling,
41:08and I'll cherish this moment for the rest of my life,
41:10and I want to tell you guys that...
41:12Hey, Artie!
41:17Mary?
41:19Oh?
41:23Well, that's too bad, you know, because I really wanted to say goodbye to everybody.
41:27Well, anyway, you guys, the audience, you guys were great.
41:30And I know we got along, didn't we?
41:32All right, all right.
41:35Not bad.
41:36All right, then.
41:38Good.
41:39That's important, you know, and craft service, you know, the catering.
41:41I mean, there's some great people back there.
41:43I mean, we talked all week.
41:44I mean, I know...
41:45Did I mention the crowd?
41:46Yeah.
41:47Okay.
41:47All right, I didn't know if I had, but thank you.
41:50Anyway, and I just wish I could have said goodbye to...
41:54What?
41:54Can I just...
41:54Did you have a good time this week?
41:57Really?
41:57Great time, George.
41:58I mean, you're not...
41:59Great time.
42:00Did you?
42:00Yeah.
42:00Okay.
42:01Great time, George.
42:02It's Jack.
42:03George.
42:04Yes.
42:04Jack.
42:05Thanks.
42:06All right.
42:08Well, listen, you know, I mean, you meet a lot of great people like that
42:11when you work on fun shows like this, and I just, uh...
42:15I mentioned the crowd, right?
42:17Yeah!
42:19All right.
42:20Okay.
42:22Anyway, I just, I hope they have me back is all just...
42:24Some time.
42:26Yeah!
42:27Yeah!
42:28Yeah!
42:29Yeah!
42:29Yeah!
42:30Yeah!
42:31Yeah!
42:32Yeah!
42:33Yeah!
42:34Yeah!
42:35Yeah!
42:36Yeah!
42:37Yeah!
42:38Yeah!
42:39Yeah!
42:40Yeah!
42:41Yeah!
42:42Yeah!
42:43Yeah!
42:44Yeah!
42:45Yeah!
42:46Yeah!
42:47Yeah!
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