00:00Well, let her dance to them all as long Let her dance to our favorite songs
00:14Let her dance to them, let her dance all I've done
00:30Hello and welcome to Tramadol Nights, how you doing you big fucking Loyalist Terror Suspects?
00:46You got a big gun-running bisexual down the front here, how you doing man?
00:51That's a face I've only ever seen before on a fucking Toby jug
00:55I thought I hadn't even seen him there
00:59You've quantum leaped to be with us tonight from the Victorian prison system
01:06How's life been since the Raysia split up? How's that?
01:11A cross between Andy Bell and a pickled fetus in a fucking jar
01:17It's like a child's drawing of a dead baby, how you doing?
01:22Why have you got your jacket spread over your boss?
01:27Oh I see, because you've got your trousers pulled up so tight you've got one of those ball vaginas
01:32How you doing man?
01:34What's your story man? Let's find out a bit about you, what did you do?
01:38Fireman
01:39You're a fireman?
01:40You're a fireman?
01:42In a village people tribute band
01:46With the Pope over didn't we? The Pope said he loved being in Britain
01:56As most of his Nazi pals only ever made it as far as France
02:00Very environmentally friendly the Pope Mobile as it runs on the tears of abused altar boys
02:13I should point out the Pope isn't a paedophile, he's a paedophile facilitator
02:19Met Susan Boyle, what a meeting that must have been, two people who look unconvincing in a dress
02:28He thought she was there to be cured
02:31No I said he loved meeting Susan Boyle, it took him back to his youth when he was being trained to kill the mentally ill
02:41Pope says that condoms don't stop the spread of AIDS, someone should tell the fucker that he's putting them on wrong
02:50To me religion, all religions are just a list of things that autistic people said thousands of years ago
02:59That happened to get taken seriously
03:02On a Friday you can only eat fish, nothing but fish
03:06Brilliant, I'll write it down
03:11Religion's just what we thought before we understood what mental illness was
03:17A bush talked to me, brilliant, what did it say?
03:21What did the bush say?
03:23Let's live our lives by what the bush said you stupid fucking cunts
03:31I mean I think back to priests when I was a wee boy
03:34They had a sort of Asperger's equality to them
03:36Like you never met a witty priest
03:38So I was doing an exorcism
03:40I was telling the devil to come out of the boy
03:42When the devil made the very good point that as a priest
03:45I'd probably been inside more children than he had
03:49Touché Satan
03:54Do you remember that show Knight Rider?
03:56We started thinking his car wasn't talking to him
04:00He was just quite seriously mentally ill
04:03Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man whose mind has turned to shit
04:12Windows kit
04:13Certainly Michael
04:32Windows, Kit.
04:37Certainly, Michael.
04:42Windows up, Kit.
04:45Time to ask the old business guy what this week's mission is.
04:53Old business guy, you got a mission for me?
04:56Michael, your mother and I are very worried about you.
05:00You mean taking your medication?
05:02And we'd really like our car back, Michael.
05:11I don't think it's a good idea to take your medication, Michael.
05:14I think the Taliban have put something in them that gives you multiple sclerosis.
05:19Thanks for the warning, Kit.
05:22Take her up to 110.
05:23Certainly, Michael. Don't you think you should sit in the driver's seat?
05:29My sensors tell me there are two men around the corner smoking crack, Michael.
05:44Michael?
05:45My sensors tell me there are now three people smoking crack.
05:49Oh, Michael.
05:50Oh, Michael.
05:54Look. It's evil, Knight Rider.
05:56No, that's just our reflection in a window, Michael.
06:00Okay.
06:02What was that, Kit?
06:04I didn't say anything, Michael.
06:05I think my voice must sound similar to that woman you have tied up in the trunk.
06:09Have you managed to infiltrate the drugs gang, Michael?
06:21Infiltrate?
06:22I couldn't even get into the fucking restaurant.
06:24Is there anything here I could use to make shoes?
06:28Fucking evil Knight Rider.
06:30Stealing all the shoemaking shit.
06:31Oh, my God.
06:32Oh, my God.
06:34Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
06:43Hi.
06:44Michael?
06:44Excuse me.
06:45It's my car.
06:47What is it, Kit?
06:48Calamari looks good, Michael.
06:50Thanks, Kit.
06:55Got the drugs?
06:56Yes, I have. Right here.
06:596,000 little red pills.
07:02And any minute now, we should find out exactly what they are.
07:05You can try torturing me if you like.
07:07I've been trying myself for the last half hour, and I haven't felt a thing.
07:11I think they must be working, because I feel like I'm smiling.
07:21Kid! You've been stolen!
07:24Don't worry, Michael. I've just changed to that car over there.
07:28I'm being driven by an enemy agent disguised as a pregnant woman.
07:32Don't worry, Kid. I'll get her.
07:37Send a message, Michael. One in each tit.
07:42Great to have you back, Kid.
07:44Thanks, Michael.
07:45Thanks, Michael!
07:46Who is that?
07:47Oh, I'm the engine or some shit.
07:50Turbo Boost, Michael.
07:52Yes, Kid. Turbo Boost.
07:55Windows, Kid. Windows, Kid.
07:57Windows, Kid.
07:59Windows, Kid. Windows, Kid.
08:09Windows, Kid.
08:10Windows, Kid.
08:24As they try to create a show which will appeal to all demographics without giving offence,
08:34the BBC have launched their new soap,
08:36where viewers will have to force their own meanings
08:38onto a show where actors with blanked-out faces and paper suits act out ambiguous plots.
08:44I've got that thing you've asked for.
08:56Adjective, adjective, verb.
08:59Well, you both know what I'm going to say about that.
09:03I am laughing at that comment.
09:05I am laughing.
09:07I am also laughing.
09:09Music.
09:11Music.
09:12Music.
09:16Music.
09:41Music.
09:41I'll lighten things up a bit. A wee jokey joke.
09:44Everyone likes a wee jokey joke, don't they? Here we go.
09:47When I was a wee boy, I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow.
09:51And when I woke up, I was being sexually abused.
10:05What do Japanese people call their Jap, Si?
10:11My eye.
10:17Britain's been complicit in torture.
10:19I've never understood why Al-Qaeda don't just employ sadomasochistic perverts.
10:23We tried pulling his fingernails out, sir, but he came.
10:29Did you try the ball clamp on him?
10:31Yeah, he brought his own.
10:35The scaremonger we're supposed to be scared of, the pants bomber.
10:38Supposed to be scared of that guy.
10:40Tried to set off a bomb in his pants.
10:42I wish he'd done it, just so I could know that he was up in heaven with 72 virgins,
10:46but had blown his cock off.
10:50Should have done it on Ryanair, everyone would have been delighted to get blown up.
10:53And actually land closer to their fucking destination.
10:59Ryanair have a thing now where they're going to charge people £80 for a suitcase and £1 to use the toilet.
11:05I've got a solution. Buy your suitcase, it's own seat on the plane for a fiver, then take a shit in it.
11:13Do you have a friend you can trust no matter what?
11:16You could win £10,000 if you've got a friend you could convince to hide you after telling them you've killed a kid.
11:22Something happened, Chuck, something happened.
11:25I just, I just ended up killing, killing little Jamie next door, you know, the kid next door.
11:30I ended up fucking killing him, and I'm not fucking around.
11:32What I want you to do is you've got to hide me, man, okay?
11:35You've got to fucking hide me, man, please talk.
11:37Just hide me.
11:38Don't get your fucking hide, man.
11:39Hide, hide, hide!
11:40Don't get your fucking hide.
11:42AHHHH!!!
11:44Don't get your fucking hide.
11:45Don't get your fucking hide.
11:46Stop!
11:47Stop.
11:49I'm sorry.
11:51Oh, my God!
11:57I'm sorry.
11:58Just hide me again.
12:00I'm sorry!
12:02Stop!
12:04Stop me!
12:08Oh!
12:09welcome back and joining me in the studio is actor two from untitled street actor two thanks
12:19for coming in and how does it feel to be in Britain's number one soap and is it true you've
12:30developed a cocaine problem fuck yeah george michaels highway code mirror signal wank
12:42when reaching the roundabout follow road markings and unless directed otherwise give priority to
12:59traffic approaching from your right
13:01Jeremy Kyle that gets me man they round up the audience for that show by firing tranquilizer
13:19darts into farm foods it's always scumbags isn't it there's never an episode called
13:26i wanted to go to tuscany you swine i'd like to see him come back with the dna test results my
13:33mate go i've got your dna test results here you're not actually human turns out you're a rare breed of
13:39fucking cabbage tv man how low is it gonna sink i fully expect to switch on the telly in a couple
13:49of years to see someone going my name is joan leslie this is a viking longship and you're watching
13:56the story of rape
13:58gonna have product placements on itv now i think they should blackmail companies by threatening to
14:11do negative product placements sarge we caught a pedophile really what was he doing eating walker's
14:19crisps i saw a show the other night they're cutting open these giant animals they go oh look at this
14:26giraffe it has an incredible number of neck vertebrae because he's got an incredible number of neck
14:31vertebrae it's a fucking giraffe you're expecting to find inside it a horse with a periscope
14:38you still got a sore penis boss
15:01what you're talking about john bring your pee pee is your bell and still sore boss
15:09yes john how did you know come here boss
15:14what are you doing john
15:25what did you do what did you do i fucked you boss i fucked the bear don't you
15:39it's a miracle feels much better assholes kind of sore though
15:52it's a miracle feels much better assholes kind of sore though
16:04who is this what he won't can you fix her john i can boss i got me an erection right now
16:23what is he gonna do to her what is this i was gonna fuck her is all i was gonna put my dick in
16:31in my wife and me let him chief please let him out
16:38i'm scared oh jesus how long will this take just a couple hours
17:01she's looking better no no i'm not better yet i still feel a bit sickly
17:13keep going yeah keep going
17:19you sure you want this john
17:32i could let you go see how far you can run
17:36no boss i was tired i was tired of fucking everybody
17:42i can't do this john kill him twice he could have saved my little boy but he refused to fuck him
17:50you're gonna fry boy
17:52i'm sorry i couldn't get it up i told you to put some perfume on you know something
17:59they had me a dream last night you was in it warden jack and the chief
18:07and i was fucking all of y'all and we had us a big train going we was all fucking each other
18:14no boss please don't put my dick in the dark
18:24electricity will now be passed through your body until you are dead
18:35may god have mercy on your soul
18:38you have to say it tom
18:49roll on two
19:03oh i fucking hate this show
19:28is he even dead yet
19:30what is the meaning behind the bewitching smile from the famous painting that is tonight's particular episode
19:54it is pick an actor from the movie brokeback mountain that you want to fuck and stick with it
20:02be it the rambunctious nature of jake or the stoic poise of heath whatever floats your boat
20:09now which is it heath or jake
20:13now on the count of three i want everybody at home to make their choice one two three
20:21well the overwhelming vibe i'm getting is for heath
20:28i of course would have picked a woman who played jake's wife you fags i didn't say you
20:34had to pick heath or jake i just said you had to pick an actor from the movie and suggested two of them
20:39it was you who unconsciously knew this and still opted for the gay choice anyway
20:45apart from those of you who are watching
20:47who are actually homosexual i'm sorry you skybox fucked up recording glee boys
20:54i'm sorry this is a way you have to find out about your love have come
21:00and i suspect that many of you will mistakenly vent your anger toward me
21:04well bring it on
21:07and if you want to take two minutes out of your confused life next week
21:11i'll meet you down in hamster the heath in the toilet cubicle with all the disco music coming out of it
21:16and i'd suggest you bring your life partner to the heath
21:20because i'm going to show you heavy father fucker
21:23you see that guy that died in the luge in the winter olympics
21:32bit of a silver lining
21:34he's coming back next year to compete in the skeleton bobsleigh
21:37do you watch wimbledon do you watch the wheelchair tennis
21:41they're fucking brilliant at tennis it's really compelling
21:45but why during the break do they make them go over to the side
21:48they're already sitting down
21:49how much of a rest do they need the fucking lazy bastards
21:54i always like the grunting in the tennis putting each other off with the grunting
22:01should bring that into the snooker
22:03john parrot 12
22:10it's good that the lady tennis players grunt
22:14it'd feel weird if it was me sat at home on my own doing it
22:17you know what they should do they're always arguing about the ball going out aren't they
22:21what they should do is take up all the grass at the side of the court everything outside the lines
22:25should get replaced with velcro
22:27so when the ball goes out it just fucking sticks
22:31and every so often venus williams falls over and spends 20 minutes having her muff cut free with scissors
22:38i like that scandal in the rugby
22:44do you see the guy that hid the blood capsule in his mouth so he could pretend it was injured
22:48i thought he should have hidden it up his arse and done it in the scrum
22:53oh you dirty bastards
22:56send him off me
22:58yellow candy fuck this
23:02goodbye father fuckers
23:04well there she goes
23:14with a brand new love affair
23:16dancing with him like she don't even care
23:19oh let her dance
23:21let her dance
23:22all that
23:23well who'd have known that just yesterday
23:33she dances with me the very same way
23:36you
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