- 2 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Previously on Crogman Doom
00:01I'm the guy who's supposed to save the Resistance?
00:03Anika as well.
00:05I am never gonna be the girl that you want me to be.
00:08Don't say that.
00:09You can change.
00:10Have we cracked the secrets of the Arya?
00:12The weapon remains in her.
00:14You just killed my father.
00:15Well then I guess I won't be asking him for permission.
00:19Too soon.
00:50The prophecy of Angomora was clear.
00:53To save the Resistance, Crog had to work side by side with his pagan maiden.
00:58And while savage lessons learned in battle had forged Crog's combat instincts.
01:03Nothing had prepared him for the emotional trauma of working with an ex.
01:09Hey, Hugo.
01:09Welcome all, Crog and Anika. How's my favorite freedom fighting couple?
01:13Yeah, excellent.
01:14Hey.
01:15Actually, we're no longer a couple.
01:17Oh.
01:17Yeah, we're taking a short hiatus.
01:20It's not a hiatus.
01:22That's right, we're completely broken up.
01:24Completely.
01:25For now.
01:25Crog.
01:26So why don't we all just sit down and...
01:29I'll go outside and stand guard.
01:31Stand guard?
01:33This is a Resistance stronghold.
01:35Come on, in this very tavern we've plotted raids, battle strategies.
01:39Wet tunic contest.
01:42What?
01:42That was our most successful fundraiser.
01:45Come on, she won by a landslide.
01:47Hey, that night never happened.
01:50Never happened.
01:52Um, we're not as safe as you think.
01:56Wanted?
01:57Hey, Hugo!
02:00What gifts?
02:01Crog, I'm sorry.
02:02It's the Myrmidons.
02:03They told me to hang it or they'd torch the place.
02:07Oh, right.
02:08So you play ball.
02:10I had to.
02:11Right, yeah.
02:12Smart.
02:14So.
02:15Toast?
02:16Mmm.
02:17Alright.
02:18Well.
02:18To the Resistance.
02:20Hold it, Costa.
02:28Poison.
02:29What?
02:30What?
02:30Hugo!
02:31Crog, I'm sorry.
02:33Forgive me.
02:33It's the reward money.
02:34It's too tempting.
02:35You know, I've got four kids.
02:37You know, one of them is special needs.
02:39I thought it's special.
02:44Yeah, okay.
02:44I guess I understand.
02:46I mean, the struggle for freedom's been hard on everyone.
02:48Not me.
02:50Alright, well, let's just chalk it up to a bad day.
02:53I forgive you.
02:55I don't.
02:56You're on my list right now, buddy.
02:57Okay, let me, let me make it up to you, huh?
03:00Goatenders on the house.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Alright.
03:02That's how you make it up.
03:03Hold it.
03:07Poison.
03:08Now, that's cold.
03:10Sabido.
03:10Hey!
03:10What the hell's going on, Hugo?
03:12I know.
03:13Look, the truth is, I have two families.
03:15It's one of those weird situations, you know, where the one doesn't know about the other.
03:18And at first, I thought it was gonna be great, but it's not.
03:20It's hell.
03:21Now, I'm in, I'm in way over my head.
03:23Now, please, forgive me.
03:26Fine, but I never want to see your face again.
03:28Or hear your stories.
03:30Okay.
03:31I'll tell you something else, Hugo.
03:32You can forget about me selling in my tan.
03:35And I'm gonna find a new place to karaoke.
03:39Okay, that wasn't called for us.
03:41Bye-bye.
03:43Okay, guys, listen up.
03:45If we're not safe here, we're not safe anywhere in town.
03:47I say we head out to the woods and regroup.
03:54Second thoughts, let's regroup here.
04:03Sir, I believe they're ready for me.
04:05Oh, I dread these tedious press conferences.
04:09It's unnecessary evil in the information age, sir.
04:11True, true.
04:14It's remarkable to think.
04:15I see it in there.
04:17And within a fortnight, literally hundreds of people have gotten the gist of it.
04:20Spooky.
04:23They're ready, me Barnabas.
04:29Come on.
04:31Come on.
04:33Oh, so you're gonna let me walk through like this?
04:35No, I'm...
04:40Come on, guys.
04:41Just let me go out there.
04:42If you're going out there, I'm coming with you.
04:45We live as one.
04:46We die as one.
04:49Seriously.
04:50If any of you want to surrender and go quietly, I won't think less of you.
05:01Oh.
05:02So you will think less of me?
05:04Fine.
05:08George and Annika.
05:09Come out now.
05:10We'll let the others live.
05:12We'll use and we'll torch the place.
05:15Which, if you're wondering, does still make good financial sense for me.
05:19I owe more than the place is worth.
05:21You think I'm bluffing?
05:22Ask my wife.
05:23She does the books.
05:24It's true.
05:26Genius.
05:27Yeah, it's not worth...
05:30Is that the whore from Harcourt?
05:33You said that was over.
05:35And you said she was dead.
05:37Dead?
05:38I didn't say dead.
05:39I said she might have been a little bit ill.
05:42I...
05:43Would you just...
05:45Please?
05:47All right, guys.
05:49This is it.
05:51Spare me. I'll save your lives.
05:52What are you talking about?
05:53No more tricks.
05:54No, wife number two just showed up.
05:56Preggers.
05:56I've got a bolt.
05:57You see, in the storeroom, I've got a trap door leads to a secret tunnel.
06:00Take you straight out to the Correo Flats.
06:01Yeah, nice try, Hugo.
06:02Let me tell you something.
06:03The circle of trust?
06:04I broke it.
06:04Shattered.
06:06We go in the storeroom.
06:07There's no escape.
06:07You kill me there.
06:08No, we will kill you.
06:09Well, it won't be we.
06:11It'll probably be him.
06:11Here.
06:12Gladly.
06:13It's fine.
06:14Come on.
06:15Follow me.
06:17So, do you think we should let the press see her?
06:20Rouse up a little tongue-wagging gossip.
06:23You know how the public love to speculate on my love life.
06:26Sire, we've just received word.
06:29Mandun has evaded the trap in the tavern.
06:31Taggers!
06:32Announce me, Barnum.
06:33Of course.
06:38Presenting the esteemed Chancellor of the great province of Hesmeel,
06:42from our dear leader Donald David Dongalong.
07:01Will you shut up?
07:04It's very grating.
07:06Sometimes less is more.
07:09Tell them, Barnum.
07:10Let's have a bit of hush now.
07:13I would...
07:13Actually, I'd like to stand there.
07:14Can you move up, please?
07:16I have...
07:16Will you just...
07:17I want to stand there.
07:18I should be standing in the middle.
07:20Yes, ma'am.
07:20Move.
07:22I have an announcement I'd like to make.
07:25I am doubling the bounty on Mandun and the pagan wench
07:29to 6,000 Mandulas each, dead or alive.
07:34Yes, I know that's more than the lot of you will earn in a lifetime,
07:38but there's an old saying in Hesmeel,
07:40I know it's in Harcourt, probably Hesmeel,
07:42that says,
07:43Fool me once.
07:51Shame on...
07:54Shame on you.
08:03Fool me, you can't get fooled again.
08:05Okay, let's take some questions.
08:08Uh...
08:09Yes, you in the rear with the greasy hair and the overbite.
08:12Rasmuth Foucault, Harkouth Herald.
08:15Can you confirm the rumor that you've acquired the Eye of Gulga Grimna?
08:19It's not the policy of this administration to comment on weapon systems.
08:23However, feel free to speculate on how utterly awesome that would be.
08:28Okay, let's have another question.
08:30Uh...
08:31Yes, with the cleft palate and the disfiguring acne scars.
08:35Uh...
08:36Olaf Orskyn, Kelkirk Cryer Dispatch.
08:38Then you're not at all worried about the arrival of Emperor Zanus' weapons inspector this afternoon.
08:50Uh...
08:50No.
08:52No, I...
08:53Welcome Imperial encroachment on provincial authority.
08:58Right, well, I see we have no further questions I think you could gain.
09:02Barnabas, find out who the Director of Imperial Communications is and have him slain.
09:06Your information, sir, Lord Conover died at your hands last week.
09:09That's right, during the spirited duel, if I recall.
09:11You stabbed him in the back, sir.
09:13Ah, potato, potato.
09:14Which reminds me, I'm famished.
09:16What say you to some noggy and turtle soup?
09:18Yummers, no.
09:20Barnabas, we must conceal the eye.
09:24Breasts.
09:25Breasts.
09:27Melons.
09:28Bozongas.
09:29Funbags.
09:30By any name, a source of comfort and joy.
09:33Unlike life in the saddle for fugitives on the run, seeking sanctuary and finding none,
09:39with options exhausted, Crott reluctantly turned for the answer to modern science.
09:47How many beetles?
09:50This is a horrible idea.
09:52It's our own, Leo.
09:53But look who we're dealing with.
09:54I don't trust these guys that they cough.
09:56How long do you think we can survive with our lives under constant threat?
09:59Hours?
10:00Days?
10:00Weeks, even?
10:02Come on.
10:03How much arsenic are you in, Quasto?
10:04Um, uh...
10:05Was it a pinch or a dash?
10:07Um, it's a dash.
10:09Thank you, Quasto.
10:09Wait.
10:10It says right there, a pinch.
10:13Come on.
10:15I can't read.
10:17That's nice.
10:18We're just trying to make him feel like he's a part of the process.
10:20I mean, it's just...
10:21Monster.
10:22Rub his head, Bruce.
10:23Okay.
10:24I'm sorry.
10:24Okay, wait, wait.
10:25Everybody, stop.
10:25Stop.
10:26This is serious.
10:30Behold.
10:31Detention life suspension potion.
10:34Street name, Goof Juice.
10:36Oh.
10:37Ain't nothing goofy about it, Bruce.
10:38Pay attention.
10:40It slows your heartbeat down to nothing.
10:42Breathing becomes so daggone shallow, you won't feel your chest move.
10:45Now, on a positive note, to any bounty paying chancellor, you'll appear dead.
10:51Real dead.
10:52Seriously.
10:53This is the best plan?
10:59Oh, yes.
11:01Yes, I love it.
11:03Looks like it's been there for decades.
11:05Excellent work, Fatherless.
11:06Oh, no, sir.
11:08The credit must go to the dedicated masons and artisans who worked tirelessly to create
11:11it.
11:12Who you killed, nor my orders.
11:13No, Teresa.
11:14Looselands, you know.
11:19Daggers!
11:22Double daggers!
11:23He's here!
11:26Barnabas, the old man.
11:27Quickly.
11:28Come on.
11:28Read, read, read.
11:30Here we go.
11:36Presenting Emperor Zanus, his beloved nephew, third in line to the throne, ninth Earl of
11:41Brain Hang, Imperial Weapons Inspector Extraordinaire, and Master of the Pan Flute, let's make some
11:49noise for his royal highness, Lord Roderick Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow
11:58Bow Bow!
12:02You are fucking kidding me.
12:12welcome to his meal your highness we see how welcome i am after the inspection what's that
12:23is that armor from the battle of fusilly ridge itch uh yes indeed i served the crime proudly
12:31there drum call second tambourine really that battle happened over a decade ago it's just how
12:39old are you well what is age really only a bone chillingly accurate measure of mortality
12:55boom sycophants thank gods you're not like that barnabas your prayers me sparing me and only
13:01when i offer up a keen answer oh very true sir very true now then shall we begin okay here
13:09we go
13:10goose juice mojitos from bruce enjoy what part am i supposed to enjoy potentially lethal cocktail
13:18mixed by a grossly unqualified warlock wait wait a minute now what do you mean unqualified and you
13:23said since my last performance evaluation i turned it around okay fine say zez did get the potion right
13:27what do you mean say zez get it off your chest crowd what you want to say what about being
13:31buried alive
13:31what should we enjoy that part crowd if you're so afraid of dying there's really only one choice
13:37i'm willing to take it there you go all right but first a toast to the resistance all right
13:46death to oppression to oppression no that's the exact opposite of what i'm never mind see you on the
13:54other side oh so how long is this goof juice
14:06well dongle or it appears your barracks came up clean so too the armory seems everything you might
14:15be hiding in this rundown palace are signs of life i swear if i had to live here i'd probably
14:23hang
14:24myself from one of your rotted beans shall i send for the room
14:34what's in this room oh uh guest quarters nothing more
14:43well hello there please rise i know i have
14:54crass now
14:57and my poison testers turning blue was a heron so i turned to the emperor and i said to him
15:03i don't know about you uncle zanus but i think i'll skip the venison
15:12oh come on surely you didn't think that was funny
15:16it's the first time i've laughed since you killed my father
15:21oh so you're gonna bring that up every time we're together
15:25is this your pendant yes yes that's her it's a chicken's claw a symbol for nigel falford
15:35what sorry a symbol of what nigel falford he's an alternative balladeer you wouldn't know him
15:42unless you're up on the indie scene i can't believe you recognize this nobody does well i should
15:47i desire it nigel's a dear friend of mine he is oh what's he like maybe i can introduce you
15:56to him
15:56sometime
16:00yes and maybe i might introduce you to my musical friend yodeling yorick muller
16:12who yodeling yorick muller oh come on toboggan built for two
16:21fondue fondant has anyone seen greta the avalanche song no classics nobody
16:28is it sir the body of bandone and the pagan away to inspection joy uh do excuse me for a
16:35moment i
16:35must just attend to an urgent matter oh no did yodeling yorick suffer a stroke slip into crevasse
16:46nope there's no vapor in the mirror sir that's that's because he's not breathing the breath of
16:51life is gone i i already told you that no the hearts have stopped skins cold palace gray they do
16:58appear dead sir you know what if we can just get the cash so we can go not so fast
17:03black man
17:16oh i'm just double checking
17:25sir
17:29sir
17:36yes i concur with barnabas the death taste is upon her will you be testing mandone sir no
17:43no no the death taste resides only in the female here really yes go and fetch the bounty or something
17:52do that
17:55nobles you strike me as gentlemen of good taste tell me are you familiar with the alpine vocal
18:01stylings of the late great yodeling yorick muller what up shut up of course
18:07oh finally he's only one of my favorite gay balladeers oh you people think everyone's gay
18:14i it's in the subtext of all of his songs uh how about you make my glory whole
18:21you make my glory oh yes i suppose whole with an h not a w yes oh what about blowing
18:27snowflakes
18:27there is a song about a blizzard nothing more oh please snowflakes miller was his fiddle player
18:33thus the refrain felicio felicio yes well it seems i shall have to re-evaluate his entire back
18:41catalogue i dare say reach around randy requires further still alive shocker
18:47as an alligator oh it is you god to miss this yeah it appears that men do and is dry
19:05humping the pagan
19:08i'm not dry humping i'm spooning
19:13and now i'm trying to escape myrmidons kill them
19:21wait a minute damn goof juice i knew this plum was a trick
19:26ah no no hater i like that hold
19:32barnabas look at them dude has he gone gimpy he's gone very gimpy
19:40help me my sword barnabas this is how great men make memoir moments
19:48get up crap oh i can feel his dagger
19:50guards stand back leave this dog to me
19:59so here we are at last man oh our man do know
20:07two great warriors at the peak of our physical prowess
20:12when i say that i've actually got this blister on my foot from playing too much badminton
20:17i digress prepare to die man doon
20:29oh you're good man doon yes like a turtle but like all living creatures i know your weak spot
20:59oh man doon you've dropped your sword sword's on the floor you're not going to win now i'm going to
21:06win because his sword's on the floor
21:09but when will the death blow come now you are such a dick yeah well you are also a dick
21:18as well
21:20brace yourself man doon for the final
21:24you are such a dick yes
21:31i'm with
21:33just grab him
21:34the boot you should be wearing off
21:36there we go
21:37here we go she's my girl
21:38go go get this lord
21:40i'll do it
21:40get this lord
21:41hey hey
21:42hey
21:42hey no i'm covering go
21:43come on
21:44i can't grab my head
21:45come on
21:46go
21:46come on
21:47hey
21:48go
21:48go
21:56Are you there, sir?
21:57Hmm? Yeah. Who is this?
22:01It's me, Barnabas.
22:02Well, come here, eh?
22:03Come here.
22:07Help me, Barnabas! I've been retortled!
22:12Daggers! The fiend Man-Dune has evaded our capture yet again!
22:18Send a garrison after them, set up checkpoints,
22:21and note to self, next time, kill first, taunt later.
22:26Dongalore, you fool!
22:27You thought you could hide it from me,
22:29but I found the eye of a lass who's melted my heart.
22:35Boom!
22:37Granted, it's not exactly what I came here for.
22:39It's your mega-tasty little souvenir.
22:42Souvenir?
22:43How dare you refer to this young lady as your possession?
22:48She's my possession!
22:49I abducted her fair and square!
22:51Look, old man, it's like I tell all my men.
22:53You find them, I grind them.
22:56Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!
22:59Oh, and our Dongalore!
23:01I'll send you regards to my uncle's anus.
23:06Well, I must say, I find the attitude of the youth of today
23:09extremely disrespectful.
23:10Dreamless?
23:11Come along, we'll go to Mum's.
23:12She'll make us rice pudding.
23:13She might even put jam into it.
23:15Perhaps it was the goof-juice talking,
23:19but Annika found herself asking only one question
23:22of her handsome saviour.
23:24Who are you?
23:26Your humble servant.
23:37Dongalore's mermidons are in pursuit.
23:38I must ride ahead to draw them off the scent.
23:40Unleash an invisibility spell on your team,
23:42my pint-sized warlock, friend.
23:44Yeah, you know what?
23:45What I can do, I can do a...
23:47Why don't we all just scooch back right now?
23:49Because we don't have that type of time
23:50for me to do a spell right now,
23:52is what I'm saying.
23:53How much time do you need?
23:53Just scooch back with me.
23:55Well, farewell, friend.
23:56Wait, I'm a fully licensed massage therapist.
23:59If you need anything, just let me know.
24:02Full body, deep tissue, shiatsu, back rub.
24:06Bless your warrior heart, you are sweet.
24:09Well, until we meet again.
24:12Goodbye.
24:16Annika.
24:20Annika?
24:22I'm right here.
24:23Looking for me, boys?
24:26Get out!
24:27Get out!
24:27Get out!
24:30Get out!
24:31Annika?
24:32The mountainside fell hard
24:35Upon this fetching young brunetta
24:39But still, the woodsman searched in vain
24:44Has anyone seen Greta?
24:55Oh, I say, sir.
25:06Um, the Mermitons were unable to find Mandun.
25:08Daggers!
25:10I want him dead!
25:14Well, sir, you might not need to worry, because we've just received this rather bold proposal,
25:20which if we can execute as conceived, there won't be a single resistance fighter left here in history.
25:25And who presumes to know our business better than we?
25:29That, sir, is the interesting part.
25:55I am about to activate the most powerful weapon in the world, and use it to kill Emperor Xanus, and
26:02seize his corpse.
26:02Crow?
26:03Crodman Dune!
26:04Who's asking?
26:05You must retrieve the bloodstone of Alluvia, the largest diamond in the known world. Its sale could fund the resistance
26:12for a decade.
26:12What good is the power to destroy humanity if I have no one to share it with?
26:17Part of me despises you.
26:19It'd be weird if you didn't.
26:20Have you ever gotten busy with a cyclops?
26:29It's goat time!
26:34And Crod and his merry misfits are back here on BBC HD next Thursday at nine.
26:39Next tonight, more comedy from Mitchell and Webb.
26:42Good one, honking bye.
26:45Good one, honking bye.
26:59We'll be back.
Comments