- 9 hours ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
01:30I'm not a baker, otherwise I'd have one of those hats.
01:34I'm not a supermodel, I'm not prime minister, I'm not an astronaut, shepherd, priest, chocolatier, life coach, bullfighter.
01:43I'm not a special needs classroom assistant and I'm pretty sure I'm not the secretary of a Scottish country dance
01:48society.
01:49Oh, um, maybe you work for one of those companies that coats things in plastic.
01:52Like, they take metal things and they coat them in plastic.
01:56Yeah.
01:58Yeah, could be.
01:59Yeah, why not let's say that?
02:01Sounds plausible.
02:02Great, what do you do?
02:02I work for a company that coats metal things in plastic.
02:05That's what made me think of it.
02:07Hey, poor you old bastard.
02:08I didn't know you were getting this flight.
02:10How's work?
02:10Oh, that's great.
02:11Not interfering with your goal for home?
02:13Oh, no, still swinging away like the wife's knockers.
02:21After two days of frankly not very much happening, Dr. Richard has discovered something in the North Trench.
02:28I'm just off to speak to him now.
02:30Dr. Richard, I've just been told you've made a scarping discovery.
02:33Yes.
02:34Archaeology is f***ing boring.
02:42You have both been found guilty by court-martial.
02:45Of cowardice, desertion and disobedience in the face of the enemy.
02:50The sentence of the court is that you are to be executed by firing squad.
02:55God save the king.
02:57So is you saying he's going to shoot us all up with guns and this and that and everything else?
03:02That is the sentence of the court.
03:04But he's on your side, man.
03:05You're not meant to shoot us up.
03:06You're meant to shoot up all them other geezers like the Germans or Italians or whatever they're supposed to be,
03:08isn't it?
03:09Yeah, we'd never done nothing anyway.
03:11Some other geezer did all them things you said.
03:12I'm not even lying.
03:14Me, my brethren's innocent and I swear I'm a nan's life and she's in a home with a disease and
03:17all this.
03:22Do you have any last requests?
03:25Can I sit down, blood?
03:26My leg's well extending up.
03:27You may not sit down.
03:29Well, then I'll need my inhaler.
03:30I was asthmatic.
03:31I could actually die.
03:33Did you confiscate his inhaler?
03:35That's abuse.
03:35He could actually die.
03:36Isn't it?
03:37You're both about to die anyway.
03:39Squad.
03:39I had this asthma attack once, right?
03:40And I couldn't breathe for eight minutes.
03:42And I had to go hospital.
03:43And the geezer gives me all like steroids, what are made from a dead man's balls and that.
03:47No way.
03:47Is they all made from knackers?
03:48That's skanking.
03:50Squad.
03:50Take aim.
03:51This is so unfair.
03:52I want a community sentence.
03:54Being shocked might affect me emotionally.
03:56On my command, you will fire.
03:58All right, Biffy.
03:58All right, Mum.
03:59All right, Biffy's mum.
04:00You've been picking on my boy again and his mate and all this and chatting shit about stuff they've never
04:03even done.
04:06Madam, remove yourself.
04:07You have no right to be here.
04:09Your son and his fellow officer have been found guilty by court-martial.
04:12Don't shit me about.
04:13You've been after him since day one.
04:14Any little thing and you have a go.
04:15Like when you're born Portsmouth.
04:17There was an accident.
04:19No, no, it was not.
04:20I'm taking these boys back home here for some chips and a Savaloy.
04:24And you try and stop me and I'll say you touched their asses.
04:28Stop that this instant.
04:29No way, blood.
04:30I was keeping them all four because you was a pedo and I'm not even lying.
04:33Isn't it?
04:33Isn't it?
04:34Isn't it?
04:34No, but isn't it though?
04:36Harsh.
04:45We're standing in the Rembrandt House Museum on Jodan Breaststrand in Amsterdam to see an extraordinary piece of art.
04:54This seemingly modest pen and ink drawing by Rembrandt is in fact one of the most magnificent representations of humanity
05:02ever committed to paper.
05:04Just take a look at some of this quite incredible detail.
05:10The nominal subject is, of course, Christ among the money changers.
05:14But the real matter in hand is the vulnerable nature of humanity.
05:19Look at the fear in the faces of these merchants.
05:23How they clutch despairingly at their material wealth.
05:28As a simple pen and ink study, I think this may well be without equal.
05:32The level of skill and compassion recorded here are truly remarkable.
05:39If one had to give it to value, one could only say that it is absolutely positive.
06:09Come on, info me, people.
06:11We're more like the Germans than the French.
06:13Right.
06:14Tea is better for you than water.
06:15Noted.
06:16Ikea doesn't sell paddling pools.
06:17You've got to be kidding.
06:18I've got Jim Fairbanks on hold.
06:19Keep him there till he's crying.
06:20Some people are ambivalent about Marmites.
06:22Yep.
06:22Shakespeare couldn't be bothered writing on Thursday.
06:24Well done.
06:24You can't beat a good cry.
06:26Amen.
06:26On June the 22nd, it was hotter here than in Ibiza.
06:29What was I doing?
06:29Uh, you had a barbecue.
06:31Yes.
06:31Iced tea's chilling in his hot tub.
06:33Noted.
06:33People don't know each other's phone numbers anymore.
06:35No, no, they don't.
06:36You're about to fall into a great big hole.
06:37What are you talking about, Declan?
06:42I did warn him.
06:43Careful.
06:52Good evening and welcome to The Critical Factor.
06:55Our contestants tonight are Michael Thompson, a consultant civil engineer from Halifax, West
06:59Yorkshire.
07:00Hello.
07:02Simon O'Connor, a consultant civil engineer from Newbury, West Berkshire.
07:06Hello.
07:08Susan Small, a housewife from Winchester, Hampshire.
07:10Hello.
07:12And Christopher Oust, a consultant civil engineer from Boston, Lincolnshire.
07:16Hi there.
07:18Steady on there, Christopher.
07:20So, for the next half an hour, we'll be testing these contestants' wits with a series of mental
07:24and physical challenges.
07:26Tonight is the second to last heat of the first playoff heats in our third Group F draw finals.
07:30In 17 weeks' time, we'll know all the 63 finalists competing to be named the Critical
07:35Factor Superperson of the Year and take away this state-of-the-art plastic trophy.
07:42But that's still 83 weeks away.
07:44So let's start, as we always do, with round one.
07:49The task is to complete the three-dimensional logic puzzle showing the UK's national grid
07:53and regional substations.
07:56Your time starts now.
08:00The clue here is in getting the Horsham 60-megavolt uplink at the bottom of the map.
08:06Michael has that piece the wrong way round.
08:09Christopher's worked out that no two adjacent colours can be the same, except for purple and
08:12buff.
08:16Simon's just staring at his.
08:19It's beginning to take shape for Susan.
08:22And that's it.
08:24Well done.
08:26And for Michael.
08:31That's Christopher's puzzle completed.
08:34An excited celebration there.
08:37Simon having real trouble.
08:43Well, there you go.
08:44A valiant effort nonetheless.
08:45Let's see what that does to our scoreboard.
08:50Simon, a tough round for you, and that leaves you in last place with a critical factor of
08:53two.
08:54But Susan truly mastered that challenge, and into a worthy lead goes the housewife from
08:58Winchester, Hampshire, with a critical factor of ten.
09:17You sure we've got the time right?
09:18No, that's what it says here.
09:19Trip to Fire Mountain, 6am hotel reception.
09:23Well, someone's in the pool early.
09:25Yeah?
09:25Ha!
09:26I can't believe I let you talk me into going up a volcano.
09:29If I die, I'm going to come back and haunt you for all eternity.
09:32Yeah, and how's that different to now?
09:33Hey!
09:34Aloha!
09:36Aloha, Jim.
09:37Hi, Jim.
09:38Taking an early plunge?
09:39After a fashion.
09:40I couldn't wait to take your clothes off.
09:42Well, to be quite honest, I did it on a whim.
09:44I jumped in from my balcony.
09:47Your room's on the fourth floor.
09:49Yeah, I know.
09:49I was up there thinking, you know, thinking about me wedding day and how it had been the
09:53best day of my life.
09:54Right up until the point where I found me wife gobbling the DJ to Too Shy by Catchy
09:59Goo Goo.
10:01Then I started thinking about them at it, you know, all the positions, the missionary
10:05and the other one.
10:07And then I looked down at the pool and I thought, yeah, Pepsi Flipping Max, I'll go for it!
10:14Oh, God.
10:16Yeah, yeah.
10:16Well, you know, I was feeling a bit awesome-bothered because I've been up all night, you know, working
10:21through a few things.
10:22The minibar, for one.
10:23Hey, brum.
10:26Oh, God, that would be the minibar.
10:27I've had a good time.
10:28We're here.
10:29Are you sure you're OK, Jim?
10:31It must be really hard being here like this.
10:33Hey!
10:34Oh!
10:35Jim!
10:36Jim, what the hell are you doing?
10:38Jim?
10:39She was all over me.
10:40I wasn't.
10:40I was trying to comfort you because I can see that you're in pain.
10:43Oh, yeah, right, Sal.
10:44Got it, yeah, nice one.
10:45Yeah, it was nothing, Phil.
10:46She was just giving me comfort, which is absolutely not the same thing as relief.
10:51Yeah, it's OK, Jim.
10:52Well, just forget about it.
10:53You're obviously very hurt.
10:54And horny.
10:56You're really not seeing me at my best.
10:58I even thought about finding one of them escort agencies.
11:00There's one of them in the book, Honolulu Honeys.
11:03Seen there, Rad?
11:03I'm on honeymoon.
11:05Gotcha.
11:07We've really better go, Phil.
11:08Are you off somewhere?
11:09Um, yeah, we're going to Fire Mountain.
11:11I don't know what it'll be like.
11:13I mean, it's eight hours and a minibus, for starters.
11:16Fire Mountain, you know, sounds like a good place to dry off, you know, and, er, be nice
11:20to have a bit of company, er, keep me out of harm's way.
11:23I can, er, get a bit down when I'm on me own.
11:28Oh, Jim.
11:29You poor thing.
11:32Oh, Jim!
11:33Jim!
11:34Sorry.
11:35Sorry.
11:36That one was partly me.
11:38Backs in the back seat?
11:45Mum's off to the shops with Baby.
11:48To make things easier, she's leaving him outside, alone.
11:52But wait, is he safe?
12:02Remember, mothers, don't leave a pram unattended in a public place, without applying the brake.
12:12For baby's sake, apply the brake.
12:19My name is Dr. Tia.
12:21I live in Botswana, saving lives.
12:24Do you?
12:28The people here have very primitive beliefs.
12:31Most of them would rather see a witch doctor than put their lives in the hands of a white
12:35devil like me.
12:43That's my bootway.
12:45Six months ago, I performed a life-saving emergency tracheotomy on his wife, in the middle of a bustling marketplace,
12:51in front of a crowd of some 300 people.
12:54It was a gruesome operation.
12:56But without it, I fear her cold could have got much worse.
13:00He was so touched, he gave me three small grains of rice, the equivalent of a year's salary.
13:08The dignity of these people is truly humbling.
13:15Africa.
13:17Africa.
13:23Honestly, you wouldn't believe some of the dodgy things that Dan's into.
13:26He's totally twisted.
13:27Yeah, all right, okay.
13:28All right, admit it, I'm a monster.
13:30Yeah, actually, having said that, I have got a thing about your gym socks.
13:33It is.
13:33I don't know what it is.
13:34It is like that.
13:35What is it with you guys?
13:36It used to make me keep them on if I'd been running.
13:39Yeah, where's the bloke thing?
13:41You know, closet furlots.
13:42Yeah, you big weirdos.
13:45I'm a bit weird.
13:47Oh, yeah.
13:47Really?
13:48I like bunnies.
13:50Here we go.
13:51Bikes and bunny girls.
13:52Strippers forever.
13:54No, I mean, like, actual bunnies, you know, real rabbits.
13:56I've got about 30 in a hutch in my garden.
13:58There's nothing like the brush of a rabbit's fur on your skin, you know, the soft tickle of its whiskers.
14:02The way its coarse tongue gives you goosebumps every time it licks your nipples.
14:07I like to have two or three rabbits in the bed with me at night, pressed up against my naked
14:10back.
14:11And then I'll hold one of them really tightly at arm's length above me, you know, and squeeze it really
14:16hard till it shits on me.
14:22Is that a bit too weird?
14:28Coming to the final leg of the critical factor of salt course, and just five seconds between the leading contestants.
14:40But it's Christopher who's going to get over the line in first place and pick up ten points.
14:45Susan isn't far behind.
14:48And way back in last place, still making a valiant effort, is Michael.
14:52So, Christopher, was that a tough physical challenge?
14:55It's not average.
14:56Er, coming down the aerial side.
14:59That didn't.
15:01That was fine.
15:02Right, so that bit was OK?
15:04Yeah.
15:04So which was the toughest part?
15:06Er, probably coming down the aerial side.
15:11Ten points to Christopher, though, as we head into the decisive final round.
15:18Where is he, Aslow?
15:19Tell me where Sheikh Ulami is.
15:20Talk!
15:21You are too late.
15:23His plan is almost at hand, and soon your land will burn in the eternal fire.
15:28Fine.
15:30What's that?
15:31Sodium pentothal.
15:34Truth serum.
15:35You think that scares me?
15:36Maybe not, but, er, oh dear, is that an air bubble I see inside of it?
15:40That was careless of me, wasn't it?
15:42Those can be lethal.
15:44Wait, don't do this.
15:45Too late, Aslow.
15:46All right, I'll tell, I'll tell, I'll tell!
15:48He's...
15:48Happy birthday, dear Andrew.
15:55Happy birthday to you.
16:02You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?
16:04Lights, please, Susie.
16:05Sir, can we please do this later?
16:06Aslow was just about to tell me Hulami's location.
16:08Well, here he goes again.
16:09Work, work, work.
16:10Take a load off, Andrew.
16:11It's your birthday, for goodness sake.
16:12Now blow the candles out.
16:13Sir, I must complete my interrogation.
16:15Don't forget to make a wish.
16:21Ready?
16:29I bet it crackled.
16:30Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:31If you think you're going to get off that easily, mate,
16:33you've got another thing coming.
16:35I'm going to take the birthday boy and the rest of the gang
16:37out for lunch at Pizza Express.
16:40Sir, would you please, please listen to me?
16:42We're hearing chatter that Hulami's preparing another attack.
16:44I must find him!
16:45You know what I always say, Andrew?
16:47Birthdays should be mirth-days.
16:50If it makes you feel any better,
16:52first thing tomorrow morning, we'll waterboard him.
16:53Come on.
17:11Well, we'd better think about being on our way.
17:14Dad, can't we stay a bit longer?
17:15Well, I think your mum said she had people coming round tonight.
17:17She'd better get you back in good time.
17:19Well, what about I go and get us all an ice cream?
17:22Oh, yeah.
17:23Really?
17:24Oh, please, Suki.
17:27I like Suki.
17:29Yeah, me too.
17:31Dad?
17:32What is it, my old China?
17:35Are you and Suki going to get married?
17:38Wow.
17:39Oh, that's a big question.
17:41And one that deserves to be treated seriously.
17:44I suppose marriage is kind of like the next step when you've been together for a while,
17:48like we have.
17:49And in order to know if it's the right step,
17:51you have to ask yourself all sorts of other questions.
17:53You know, how would it affect our relationship?
17:57Am I ready to settle down again?
17:59Is she the right one for me to settle down with?
18:02You know, when I think about it like that,
18:05I realise that...
18:07No.
18:11With Suki, it's all about the sex.
18:14I mean, we are at it like rutting stags every minute you're out of the room.
18:19A couple of times when you were there.
18:24I mean, don't get me wrong, Suki is brilliant and everything.
18:27And I love that she's fond of you and she goes off to get ice creams and what have you.
18:31But if I'm honest, Paul,
18:33after some of the things she's done to me in the bedroom,
18:35I couldn't take her into a church.
18:39There you are.
18:41There you go.
18:42Now, Paul, I'm afraid yours was dripping all over my hand,
18:45so I had to give it a bit of a lick.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:50Mmm.
18:53Oh.
18:53Oh, nice.
18:55Mmm.
18:57APPLAUSE
19:05She's nice, isn't she?
19:07Yeah.
19:07Lovely, yeah.
19:08Oh, get in.
19:09Give it a feel.
19:11Yeah?
19:12Yeah, sure, please.
19:13Yeah.
19:17Oh, yeah.
19:18Real leather.
19:20Mmm.
19:22Sorry, Jake, do you mind if I sort of...
19:23Oh, make yourself at home.
19:27Very smooth, isn't it?
19:29German design.
19:30The whole range has been designed.
19:32Look at this joker.
19:34Frick!
19:38With precision ergonomics.
19:41Top of the range.
19:42Like the stereo.
19:44Oh, for God's sake, Sandra, give it a rest, can't you?
19:46We've had enough of that all night with your friends.
19:48Can we please just have some silence?
19:52Yeah, excellent.
19:53Is this a GPS thing?
19:54Uh, yes, yes.
19:56Well, actually, it's a GPS slash TV slash onboard computer.
20:02Pretty cool, you see.
20:03Sorry, just a sec.
20:19It's a fully automated system.
20:25No, very impressive.
20:26I like all these little compartments and things.
20:28Yes.
20:30Look, what mileage does it get?
20:31It's, uh, pretty good.
20:34Pretty good, of course.
20:35I mean, obviously, with the larger car,
20:38you will have the, uh, fuel consumption.
20:41But, uh, no, it actually works out fairly economic, mile for mile.
20:44But they have room here, isn't there?
20:46Oh, yes, yes, very spacious.
20:47The boot can take up to...
20:49Stop it, you two!
20:50Stop it!
20:51Jennifer, you stop teasing your brother.
20:53Oliver, you stop hitting your sister.
20:55The pair of you are...
20:56Oh, God!
21:01Oh, God!
21:03Oh, God, is everyone all right?
21:04Kids?
21:05Oliver?
21:06Are you okay?
21:07Sandra?
21:09Oh, Jesus.
21:11Sandra?
21:13Oh, God, no.
21:15Sandra!
21:25Oh, I like it.
21:25Do you do a diesel model?
21:31It occurs once in a minute, twice in a week, and once in a year.
21:34What is it?
21:36Susan.
21:37The letter A.
21:38Correct.
21:39That's the end of the round and the end of the contest.
21:42And the winner, with a critical factor of 16, is housewife Susan Small.
21:48Susan, you go through to our seventh group final.
21:50Christopher, this time you weren't good enough.
21:55And so that ends this week's series of mental and physical challenges on the critical factor.
22:00After a break for Christmas, we'll be back in a new year for more of the same.
22:03I do hope you'll join us.
22:04Until then, from the contestants, and from me, good night.
22:14Hi, guys.
22:15Now, the build-up to SportsFest 2010 is really picking up pace.
22:18It's a very exciting time for us.
22:20And we're very proud because a decision's been made regarding our official logo.
22:24That's right.
22:24We have had the best design team in London working on it.
22:27Paul Adams, no less, has personally worked on this logo.
22:31We hope you're as energized and as impressed by it as we are.
22:34Mark.
22:34Well, without further ado, the official logo for SportsFest 2010.
22:48Jason, you don't seem sure.
22:49No, no.
22:51No.
22:54I think it's good.
22:55Um, I was, I was just thinking, would it work in a different color?
23:03Judge for yourself.
23:04I mean, here it is in pink.
23:08Yeah, yeah, I prefer it like that.
23:11Sue, you've always got something to say.
23:13Um, uh, the different colors kind of, um, express the diversity of what we're trying to achieve here.
23:21What I like about it is it's, uh, it's very forceful.
23:26It's very confident.
23:27Yes, there's a kinetic energy to it and, um, sense of urgency.
23:32Yeah, well, that's, that's it.
23:34I mean, that was actually precisely what the brief was.
23:37Wow.
23:37Gary?
23:39Yeah, I don't know, um, don't you think it's a bit, you know, bum sexy?
23:47I just, I don't, I just think it's a little bit kind of, um, um, you know, a bit, you
23:55know, a bit.
24:07I, I think that's really emblematic, isn't it?
24:102010.
24:10No, no, don't get me wrong, I, I like it, you know, I mean, I really like it.
24:13I, I just wonder if it's a little bit...
24:18You know, but maybe it's just me.
24:20I don't think anyone else will notice it.
24:22No.
24:33Look right there.
24:37Two Negronis.
24:41Thirsty?
24:43Very.
24:47Jazz.
24:48Not good.
24:52Picky.
24:53I know what I like.
24:55Oh, I'm sure you do.
25:01Accepting drinks from strangers.
25:04You should be more careful.
25:06And what makes you think I'm going to drink it?
25:09I have a feeling for these things.
25:14First time for everything.
25:18What brings a man like you to a, ooh, ooh, ponytail?
25:36Now, over the years, many people have asked me how I came to end up in this confounded chariot.
25:41Well, it wasn't pleasant, was it, Fife?
25:43I won't forget it in a hurry.
25:45You see, Fife and I were painting the ceiling of his drawing room a number of years ago.
25:48I was up the ladder and Fife was down below in more of a paint-providing capacity.
25:53Isn't that so, Fife?
25:54Just so.
25:54Just so.
25:54Whereupon happened my little accident.
25:57And, well, we've written a song explaining the rest.
26:04I thought the pinnacle of frustration in ceiling decoration was getting those flecks of white paint in your hair.
26:12But the very devil stalks the land when you're up a ladder, brush in hand, as now we know, but
26:18then we're not to wear.
26:20If the story we're about to tell might save another, then very well.
26:24I won't hold back on details.
26:25Please take note.
26:26You see, when painting up on high, I got something in my eye, and I owe this disposition to that
26:33moat.
26:34As Brahmin stepped down from the rays, there was a parting of the ways.
26:38And I did the most acrobatic splits you'll see.
26:42But a music stand beneath got my best bits in its teeth, as I graced it like the fairy on
26:49top of a tree.
26:50You know that bit between your testicles and your anus?
26:54The bit that's sometimes covered in downy hair.
26:57Oh, there along the seam, the skin that's in between.
27:01And opened like the door to a beggar's lair.
27:05The feeling left me reeling, you'll never paint another ceiling.
27:09And only ever perform at semi-lab.
27:12You had an M's a wreck, I've lost below a deck.
27:16And you've left me with a half-assed job.
27:19You know that bit between your testicles and your anus?
27:23Indisputably the unloveliest body part.
27:26Well, to summarise, there's a hole between my thighs,
27:30and I can achieve a fine verbato when I fart.
27:57And I can achieve a fine verbatim, and I can achieve a fine verbatim, and I can achieve a fine
28:03verbatim.
28:03But we've been back to the drawing board.
28:05That's right, we realised we needed to throw some serious money at it.
28:08Money well spent, though.
28:09So, we got Mather, Smith and Epstein on board, and they've come up with something quite different.
28:14Lovely and functional.
28:15A little bit Bauhaus.
28:18We're excited.
28:19We hope you are, too.
28:29We'll see you next time.
Comments