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00:37You still upset about that letter from Hermanshed?
00:41Yeah, it's made me all depressed.
00:43Like with issues around self-esteem issues.
00:46Go on, read it to me, blood.
00:50Here goes.
00:52All right, biffy weapon.
00:55Classic opening.
00:56Yes.
00:57Listen, I met this geezer here.
01:00And he's from America or something, yeah.
01:03And is a GI or some shit like that.
01:06And he, like, buys me stuff and gives me chewing gum and all this.
01:11And this is him to me, I love you.
01:14And then this is me to him, I love you too.
01:19And then I let him touch me up behind the tooting Granada.
01:24Really sorry.
01:26Ah, that shit, man.
01:28That's a bad letter to get.
01:30Yeah.
01:31Especially from your dad.
01:33You know what I'm saying.
01:35Mum is so gonna kill him.
01:39When I bang my clipboard on the dash like so,
01:43I'd like you to imagine someone stepped in front of the car
01:46and execute an emergency stop,
01:48retaining full control of the vehicle.
01:51Okay.
01:51Would you please pull away when it is safe to do so?
02:13Hello.
02:15Hello.
02:15I'm afraid today we have to start with an apology.
02:17You may have already heard in the news about something which happened to us last week.
02:21After Thursday's show, we went to a special cafe near the studio called The Coach and Horses.
02:27As you know, we're always having competitions.
02:29Well, we had a competition to drink all the drinks hanging on the wall from left to right.
02:34The drinks made us act in a silly way.
02:37The music was very fast and loud, and Tina pulled her jumper up over her head to do a dance
02:41to it.
02:42And then we had to take Jason home because he was poorly on the carpet in some chairs.
02:48On the walk back, one of us went to the toilet in someone's letterbox.
02:53And an amount of Tina's underwear was left on the wing mirror of a car where it was found the
02:57next morning.
02:59Alistair was kind and took me into a quiet street behind some shops to try to help sort out the
03:03muddle with my clothes.
03:05But some people from a newspaper thought they saw me wrestling Tina in a special way.
03:10They took some pictures of this because they believed you'd be interested in seeing it.
03:15While I was explaining to the man with the camera that he'd made a mistake and we weren't wrestling,
03:19I accidentally bit him on the nose.
03:23Quite hard.
03:25And I now realise this was wrong.
03:28Yes, it was.
03:30So today, we'd like to say that we're sorry.
03:35Alistair, you've been to Telford to see a Vulcan bomber.
03:37I have.
03:40My name is Dr. Tia.
03:43I live in Botswana, saving lives.
03:46Do you?
03:52Medical genius?
03:54No.
03:56Miracle worker?
03:58Sometimes.
04:00Lunatic?
04:03Now we're getting close.
04:06This primitive and crude medical centre is my kingdom.
04:12The people here call me Mamaphat.
04:15How to explain in a way you'll understand.
04:19In the bush, they believe in a legend.
04:21A legend that tells of a white devil who will one day be their salvation and their redeemer.
04:26They flatter me by calling me their Mamaphat.
04:39My name's Mark Pembridge and I'm an actor.
04:42Six months ago, I was acting in a dramatic reconstruction for one of those accident claims adverts.
04:47I was playing a chef who in real life burnt his hand on a hot stove, when suddenly I burnt
04:52my elbow on a hot stove.
04:54Ow!
04:54Ha!
04:55I felt entitled to compensation.
04:58Luckily, I knew who to call.
05:00Have you suffered an accident while reconstructing an accident?
05:04Yes?
05:05Then you could be entitled to compensation.
05:08Call us now.
05:09I got £7,000 and in no time at all I was back at work reconstructing accidents for accident claims
05:15adverts.
05:16Mark is not alone.
05:18Sarah Clacey sprained her wrist when she was reconstructing a woman tripping at work and twisting her knee.
05:24Ow.
05:28She got £3,000.
05:31Mike Lorimer called us when he fell from a stepladder and broke his leg, reconstructing a builder, falling from a
05:37stepladder and breaking his leg.
05:40He got £5,000.
05:42So if you've injured yourself whilst reconstructing someone falling downstairs or slipping on a wet floor, then call Reconstruction Claims
05:50Direct now.
05:51We're waiting for your...
05:54Have you had an accident while presenting an accident claims advert for people who have had accidents reconstructing accidents?
06:00Then call Reconstruction Claims Direct now on 08081570585.
06:06We're waiting for your call.
06:18We're here amongst the priceless relics in the Library de la Santa Croce in Pisa to see perhaps the most
06:26priceless of all.
06:27A book of legends and folktales, handwritten by a former dandy, born Francesco Bernadone, better known to us simply as
06:39St. Francis of Assisi.
06:43St. Francis died at 43, his body, Brother Donkey, as he called it, broken by the many years of austere
06:53living he'd chosen.
06:55But he left us, but he left us this, the Fioretti, the little flowers.
07:06And after nearly 800 years, it's still possible to hold in one's hand the original precious manuscript whose value is
07:21absolutely beyond measure.
07:23Ha...
07:30Ha...
07:31Ha...
07:34Ha...
07:35Ha...
07:46Ha...
07:56Hello.
07:57Now, you may have already heard in the news about something which happened to us recently.
08:01While we were on our summer expedition to Madagascar,
08:04it turned out that Jason's fiancée had become very good friends with a Derby County footballer.
08:11We wanted to cheer Jason up, so we took him to a special dancing club to watch some dancing.
08:17We hadn't realised how special the dancing club actually was.
08:22There was a rule in force that we weren't allowed to touch the dancers.
08:25But because of all the grown-up drinks we'd had, Jason forgot that rule.
08:30Jason forgot the rule a few times.
08:33The big man had to hurt my fingers.
08:36While this was happening, another of the dancers recognised me from the BBC World Channel,
08:41where I host a weekly programme about films.
08:44She took me to a special room at the back of the club to see if I could help her
08:48get a job in the media.
08:53Alistair was giving her a lot of help, but while he was doing this,
08:57one of her friends came in and took some photographs.
09:01This man wanted me to pay him a lot of money for the photographs,
09:04and I thought this was unfair.
09:06I got cross, and while I was explaining to him how I felt,
09:10I accidentally bit him on the nose.
09:13Quite hard.
09:15And I now realised that this was wrong.
09:18We'd like to say sorry to you,
09:20because when these mistakes happened, we let you down.
09:26Jason, you've been to Dundee to see a new museum all about cake.
09:30That's right.
09:31That's right.
09:42The bubble bag.
09:45I don't know.
09:46We've got to pick.
09:52Ah!
09:54What is that?
09:56Ah!
09:57Ah!
09:57Ah!
10:06Donut, Chef!
10:08You accept, Stu?
10:10Scott?
10:12What?
10:14Unde?
10:15Yes, nah.
10:17You accept, Stu?
10:25Yeah.
10:31How's the old eyesight this evening, Fife?
10:33Much better, thank you. I have a new pair of spectacles at last.
10:36Fife has spent much of this week going to and from his ophthalmologist.
10:39That's an optician to you and me.
10:41Yes, I had terrible trouble seeing where I was going.
10:43I kept ending up in the catering suppliers next door.
10:45Yes, he's now nearly got enough glasses to host a wine and cheese evening.
10:50Now, few of you will know this, but Fife seldom wears his spectacles at home.
10:54An unnecessary extravagance.
10:56Indeed, although the uncharitable may say this has much to do with the Teutonic mean of Mrs. Fife.
11:02Ignorance is bliss, if you catch my meaning.
11:05Yes, sir. In the early years, she used to bleach her moustache.
11:08Indeed.
11:09Whereas now, she and I frequently get mistaken for one another at parties.
11:15Anyway, each to their own, as the saying has it.
11:18And that, funnily enough, is what this next song is all about.
11:24When it comes to affairs of the heart, there's no accounting for taste.
11:30Blonde or kinger, looker or minger, none of them go to waste.
11:36Some men like the mysterious type.
11:38Others prefer them chatty.
11:40And one man's glorious rubenesque is another man's wanton fatty.
11:46Nice chocolate box selection.
11:48But don't delve in such of love.
11:51Because there's an overlooked confection in the abandoned lair above.
11:57I like women over 30, a bit thick around the middle and fuller in the bust.
12:03They are much more likely to be dirty, and they'll pretty much do anything when overcome with lust.
12:08There's something to be said for the gamier kind of bird.
12:11They love a bit of stuffing and a split roast's not unheard of.
12:15So forget the young untutored and the frankly immature, and why not give their mom a call?
12:21I like women over 60.
12:23I really shouldn't say it, but it's true.
12:26I often cop a feel when I'm out with Meals on Wheels, and afterwards I s***.
12:52I'm out with Meals on Wheels, and I'm out with Meals on Wheels.
13:17I'm out with Meals on Wheels, and I'm out with Meals on Wheels.
13:54I'm out with Meals on Wheels, and I'm out with Meals on Wheels.
14:07Hello.
14:08Now, you may be wondering why Jason isn't with us today.
14:12Well, you've probably already heard the unfortunate news about our last appeal.
14:16Yes, by collecting all those stamps and unwanted clothes,
14:19you raised nearly a million pounds towards a holiday centre for disabled people in the New Forest.
14:25Now, Jason came up with an idea for making even more money from the amount you'd already raised.
14:30He transferred that money into another bank account.
14:35And spent it on a large amount of special powder.
14:39This powder, like the holiday centre, is designed to make people feel very happy.
14:46Jason was going to sell this powder for nearly double what he'd spent on it.
14:51Thereby doubling your money.
14:53But some bad men stole the powder from its secret hiding place in our time capsule for the year 2025.
15:01Things were really in a bit of a mess now.
15:04And what Jason should have done was spoken to some people in charge to see if everything could have been
15:08sorted out.
15:09Unfortunately, Jason tried to make things all right by himself.
15:13Yes.
15:14He attempted to get the powder back off the bad men,
15:17but there was a horrible incident with a chest freezer, Pippin and some plastic bags.
15:25Jason let us down.
15:27He let you down.
15:28But most of all, he let himself down.
15:32And Pippin.
15:35Yeah.
15:37Tina, you've been to Wigan to see the world's largest mirror.
15:40That's right.
15:44I'm having such a great time.
15:45Me too.
15:46I feel like I've known you for ages.
15:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:48I know what you mean.
15:51Well, so tell me about yourself.
15:53Oh, well, I mean, there's not much to tell, really.
15:55You know, I'd rather hear about you.
15:56Hey, I know a good way to do this.
15:58Let's swap secrets.
15:59Uh-oh.
16:00This sounds like a bad idea.
16:01But no wimping out, OK?
16:03They've got to be true, no matter how weird.
16:05OK, OK.
16:07There it is.
16:08Um, I eat banana and Marmite sandwiches.
16:11Wow, that is a bit weird.
16:13Um, OK.
16:14I've got a Rick Astley CD.
16:16Um, my middle name's Tuesday.
16:19Oh, um, I like Morris dancing.
16:22OK, uh, I run a Dale Winton fan club.
16:25I've turned my basement into a shrine to you.
16:27What?
16:29My basement's full of things about you, you know, just like stuff I've collected over the past few years.
16:33But we only met three weeks ago.
16:35Well, actually, you met me three weeks ago.
16:36I've known you much longer.
16:39Just photos, mainly.
16:40Like, uh, you coming out of your house, going into your house, walking around the supermarket, that sort of thing.
16:44There's a bit of long-length stuff of you in your kitchen.
16:46Oh, yeah, and there's this really good one of you in your bedroom.
16:48It was really funny, because you had absolutely no idea I was in there.
16:52Not a clue.
16:53Oh, then there was that time that you were off sick, watching Quincy, and you got up because you heard
16:57a noise, remember?
16:57That was me.
16:58I was in your utility room going through your washing.
17:01You never found your jumper, did you?
17:03I've had it all the time.
17:08Is that a bit too weird?
17:14Peter is standing on a stool and using his mother's chip pan.
17:18Stop.
17:19This is dangerous.
17:22Stools can be fragile.
17:29Children should always stand on a solid chair when using a chip pan.
17:40Remember, chip pan, children, chair.
17:49Ship's journal, time quadrant, gamma zero four eight.
17:53We have landed on Gamelion Four, the so-called pleasure planet, on a routine diplomatic mission.
17:59We have, however, been instructed to adhere to Foundation protocol as best we can.
18:04Welcome.
18:05Welcome to Gamelion Four.
18:07Please, avail yourselves of our hospitality.
18:10It is our way to give you everything you desire.
18:15I...
18:19Please, follow us.
18:23Benson Benson.
18:24Oh?
18:25Come on.
18:27While you are staying with us, it is a Gamelion custom that you are accompanied by a pleasure
18:32partner or dooner of your choice.
18:36Lieutenant, you may choose first.
18:43Captain, make your selection.
18:47Our hospitality is pleasing to you?
18:50Most pleasing.
18:55Ensign, the best till last.
18:57Is that not the custom of your people?
19:00That's what they say.
19:01That's what they say, but...
19:06Do you know what?
19:08I'm...
19:09You are offending our hosts.
19:15Go on, then.
19:40Go on, then.
19:40You are offending our hosts.
19:41It's a new venue of the most intense delight you have ever known.
19:44Your do-know will guide you in its use.
19:45Please, enjoy.
19:52We are a little short this week.
19:55Yeah, big surprise.
19:56Do not worry.
19:58There is an alternative.
20:03You like skipping?
20:17And now, to the most wonderful part of our pleasuring, you will all retire with your
20:23dooners to the bedchambers.
20:25There, they will use their shape-shifting powers and reveal their true selves to you.
20:31You will spend the night in a state of unparalleled euphoria, unknown to any of your kind.
20:37I've got to go.
20:38What?
20:38We're going to go back now.
20:39Why?
20:40Well...
20:40Yes?
20:41It's a trap, sir.
20:42Don't be ridiculous.
20:44They're going to eat us.
20:45You will carry out your orders, Ensign, as we will carry out ours.
20:47If I'm not getting any, nobody is.
20:49Ensign?
20:50Mayday, mayday.
20:51Beam us up now.
20:51Request immediate recall.
20:52What is the matter?
20:53Does our hospitality displease you?
20:55Ensign Benson.
20:57Beam us up.
20:57Beam us up now.
20:59Ensign Benson.
21:06Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:08Hang on.
21:10Oh, shit.
21:11Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:14Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:19Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:22Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:26Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:28Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:29Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:29Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:29Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:30Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:30Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:31Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:32Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:35Don't go, Ensign Benson.
21:37Don't go, Ensign Benson.
22:41Face the front.
22:50You rang, Mr. Stuffer?
22:52Ah, the very fellow.
22:54Once again, I find myself in need of your assistance, Ville.
22:57I fear I've got into a frightful chutney with a girl called Mary Garner.
23:01She's a scullery maid of Lord Dartmouth, says she not so.
23:04Quite so, Ville.
23:05Then I believe I can guess the nature of your difficulty.
23:07Good heavens, can you?
23:09Your Aunt Hilda instructed you to poach Miss Gardiner for her own household staff,
23:13and in the process you've incurred the wrath of Lady Dartmouth,
23:16and thus jeopardised the impending nuptials of Lord and Lady Dartmouth's daughter to your cousin Horace.
23:23No, I shouted her senseless in the pantry a few weeks ago.
23:28Now the stupid bitch is pregnant.
23:30And what's worse, the skaggy whore refuses to have an abortion.
23:34The barely cheek of it, Ville.
23:35Right.
23:36Well, I feel a proper potato neck.
23:38I don't mind telling you.
23:39So have her killed.
23:40There's a good chap.
23:42Perhaps if Sir were to disguise himself as an Abyssinian.
23:45No.
23:45Just have her killed.
23:47Certainly, sir.
23:48Oh, and while you're out, a spot of heroin wouldn't go amiss.
23:52Very good, sir.
23:58Bucks, fizz, still aren't talking.
23:59Shame.
23:59Nobody knows when Parmesan's gone off.
24:01Gotcha.
24:01Somebody get me an ice cream.
24:02I've been looking into sexuality.
24:03What have you discovered?
24:04It's a broad church.
24:05Good work.
24:05Elephants can cry.
24:06Right.
24:07Grey squirrels are delicious.
24:08Okay.
24:08Everyone gets ill at Christmas.
24:10I've noticed that.
24:10Canadians don't lock their front doors.
24:12Okay.
24:12Your sperm counts in.
24:13What is it?
24:14Above average.
24:14You beauty.
24:15Your job at the teachers just died.
24:17Damn.
24:17I don't know who I am anymore.
24:18Well done, Susan.
24:19Where the hell's my ice cream?
24:21I wanted a bloody cone, Declan.
24:27Aloha.
24:28Aloha.
24:29Aloha.
24:30Thank you very much.
24:32You all right?
24:33Yeah.
24:34It's a bit like a moony wedding, but yeah.
24:36It feels like Scylla might be about to jump out.
24:38Oh, God.
24:40But apart from that, is everything okay?
24:43Are you mad?
24:44What are you talking about?
24:45I'm in paradise and I'm married to the most amazing woman in the world.
24:49Aloha.
24:50Aloha.
24:53Aloha.
24:53Here, I'll take that.
24:54I'll pay for it.
24:57Aloha.
24:57Aloha.
24:58Here, ladies.
24:59She loves me.
25:01She loves me not.
25:02She loves me.
25:04What am I talking about?
25:05She rang off with the wedding DJ.
25:06Of course she doesn't love me.
25:09Hey, don't you worry about me.
25:11I'm here to make the best of things.
25:12Nothing lasts forever.
25:13Now, the Emmerdale Omnibus often feels like it.
25:15Aye.
25:16Boorum.
25:18Yeah, that'll be lost on you, that one.
25:19I'll take a seat, shall I?
25:22Aloha.
25:22Aloha.
25:23Aloha.
25:25Hello, Jim Tallon.
25:26Oh, hi.
25:27Phil Kane.
25:27This is Sally.
25:28Sally Kane.
25:29Oh, honeymooners too.
25:31Congratulations.
25:32Yes.
25:32It's just perfect here, isn't it?
25:34Aloha.
25:35Oh, aloha.
25:35Aloha.
25:36Yeah, it's wonderful.
25:37You just married too?
25:38Yes.
25:39Where's your good lady wife?
25:40I've no idea.
25:43She's still getting ready?
25:44You'll have to get used to that, Jim.
25:45Actually, Sally, I won't.
25:47Because straight after the wedding, we decided we weren't compatible.
25:50Well, actually, she decided that I wasn't compatible.
25:52And that Matt Dugdale of Soul Inferno Disco, Maybrook Industrial Estate,
25:58Walsall, West Midlands, WS4, 7GY, was?
26:05Still never mind.
26:06C'est la vie, as they say in Rome.
26:08Bloody hell, Joe.
26:09Aren't you joking, aren't you?
26:10Of course I'm joking, I know.
26:11It's French.
26:14So, you've come on the honeymoon special?
26:16Without a honey, that's right.
26:17It's fine.
26:18You know, because I'm quite a positive chap.
26:20You know, glass half full and all that.
26:22Mind you, I don't touch alcohol.
26:24You know, I get a bit funny when I've had a drink.
26:26Not funny, ha-ha.
26:27More funny, not funny.
26:30You know.
26:31Sort of take things the wrong way and go a bit spare.
26:34Like setting fire to the wedding marquee
26:35and earning 68 fillets of chicken supreme
26:37at the guests in front of me mother-in-law's disapproving fat face.
26:43Funny like that.
26:46God, Jim, I don't know what to say.
26:48I think you're incredibly...
26:49Brave?
26:50Yeah, incredibly brave.
26:52God, I hope you still enjoy your holiday.
26:55Yeah, we'd better order.
26:57Um, any idea what you're going to have yet, darling?
27:00Give us a chance.
27:00Haven't looked at the menu yet?
27:04Only joking, Phil.
27:05His face, honestly.
27:08You've got to laugh, haven't you?
27:09Else you'll cry.
27:10I guess.
27:11You'll cry.
27:11Why, in the name of sanity, didn't you mention you had doubts
27:13before I spent 18 grand on the ceremony,
27:15you mad bitch?
27:19You'll cry.
27:21Only joking.
27:22She's a terrific woman, really.
27:23Just a bit fly, see.
27:25Oh, no, not for me.
27:26Thanks.
27:26No.
27:27Oh, sod it.
27:28Go on, then.
27:30Look out.
27:33Here.
27:34Mm.
27:36I look like Mr. T at the Mardi Gras with these on,
27:38don't you reckon?
27:39I ain't getting on no playing fool.
27:42Yeah, go on, Phil.
27:43Laugh it up.
27:44She's going to let me down a bit more gently than that,
27:46you shithouse.
27:50Well, she'd look on the bright side, really, you know.
27:52There she is in a bed-sitting Walsall
27:54with Matt Dugdale.
27:55And I'm here in paradise with me two new best friends.
27:58Yeah, on our honeymoon.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:36Yes?
28:40Um, can I have some more paper, please?
28:44Miss Jennings?
28:45LAUGHTER
28:48LAUGHTER
28:58LAUGHTER
28:58MUSIC
28:58MUSIC
28:59MUSIC
29:00MUSIC
29:01MUSIC
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