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00:03The End
00:35The End
01:06The End
01:21Hold it, hold it, you can't do that. Now come on, we agreed. No rude words.
01:24Well, I haven't finished yet. L-E. Title.
01:30Oh, yes, sorry. Right. Right, that's ten for the Z and eight for the X.
01:38Hey, wait a minute. What's a zig-zag?
01:41A zig-zag? It's an Abyssinian nose flute and it makes a familiar sound to a female rhinoceros in the
01:48mood for a bit of the other. But you mustn't blow it unless you mean it.
01:50I don't believe you. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I recall the awful case of Ambuku, a native, native little guide
01:56who has walked with a pronounced limp ever since.
01:59Lies. It's true.
01:59No, I thought you two were going out. We are. Chrissie, what's a zig-zag? It's an Abyssinian nose flute.
02:07Is it really? I don't know, that's what you just said. Look, Ian will be here in five minutes. We
02:12don't want games all over the settee.
02:14Well, what's he coming round for then? Dinner. And if you're still here, I'll introduce you as my ex-sister.
02:19Well, be careful, be careful. He might fancy meeting him more than you. What's he like?
02:24Oh, Ian? Oh, he's ancient. He must be at least 30. He remembers Bill Haley.
02:30Really? Oh, well, some of these 30-year-olds can be quite sprightly, you know.
02:34Actually, I think she's quite serious about him because it's been going on for a few weeks.
02:39She's after his pension.
02:45Hey, Chrissie, do you want me to hang about, you know, help him up the stairs with his bath chair?
02:50At least Ian's got some sophistication. I don't suppose you know what that means.
02:53Yes, I do. It means you cock your little finger when you scratch yourself.
02:56I just got fed up of spotty youths. A quick half a bitter and I know where there's an abandoned
03:00car.
03:01Oh, come on.
03:02Look, Ian's got style and he also happens to have a drophead Maserati.
03:05A very loyal breed, but does it fetch sticks?
03:08Oh, look, will you stop that? I can't stand silent criticism.
03:13That grave is a bit thick.
03:15No, it is not. Look, one more word and I'll hit you with a lump of it.
03:19Well, my lips are sealed and so will his be when he eats that stuff.
03:24You won't be looking at the gravy with me in this dress.
03:26Oh, that's another thing. Chrissie, seriously, I mean, what are you going to do if he tries it on?
03:31Wouldn't fit him.
03:33What I mean is you don't know anything about him. I mean, where did you meet him?
03:38Tesco.
03:39Where?
03:40Tesco's!
03:42Oh, the romance of it. The soft strains of the bacon slicer, the gentle babbling of the till roll.
03:47Look, I dropped a pair of panties and he picked them up.
03:49Oh, yes.
03:51Paper panties in a packet.
03:53Look, go and let him in while I get straightened up.
03:58Hello. Come in.
04:00You must be Joe.
04:01Yes.
04:02Well, Chrissie didn't tell me you were beautiful.
04:03Oh, I like him. He tells the truth.
04:06Evening.
04:07Hello.
04:08Robin, trip.
04:10Ian, cross.
04:13Sit yourself down.
04:15Yeah, you know, you must be tired after climbing those flights of stairs.
04:20Um, didn't Chrissie tell me that you were in the technical college studying dressmaking?
04:29Cooking.
04:30Well, I knew it was something like that.
04:32Do you remember Guy Mitchell as well?
04:34What?
04:36Hello.
04:37Ian, this is Robin.
04:38Ian, this is Joe.
04:39Robin, Joe, this is goodbye.
04:41Yeah, we're just going. Come on, Robin.
04:42OK, listen, uh, you know, if you want anything, we'll be just outside the keyhole.
04:45Push on.
04:50Ah.
04:51What was up with him?
04:52I think he was just jealous.
04:54Well, let's give him something he was jealous about, eh?
04:55Mm-hmm.
04:56Oh, sorry.
04:57Sorry.
04:59Sorry.
04:59Sorry, cigarette.
05:00Sorry.
05:06See you soon.
05:07See you later.
05:08After midnight.
05:09Right.
05:10Where were we?
05:11Hmm?
05:14Look, if we keep this up, my broccoli will go all soft.
05:25Oh, well, we could go to the Asaldo.
05:27Diary of a Lust box.
05:28Continuous performance.
05:30Yes.
05:30No, I don't think they'd let me in.
05:31I haven't got my dirty Mac with me.
05:34Well, um, what about the Rialto?
05:36What's on there?
05:36All-star cast of Irish labourers pulling it down.
05:40Well, what are we going to do?
05:41Finish up half.
05:42I know an abandoned car.
05:44You never think of anything else?
05:46Listen, I'm not the only one.
05:47You don't think Watson names come round just for meat and two veg, do you?
05:50What do you mean?
05:50Listen, I wouldn't be at all surprised if by the time we get back there,
05:53there'll be a couple of notches on the standard lamp.
05:55Well, what's the matter with you?
05:57You're not usually jealous of her boyfriend.
05:59Well, I just don't like his type.
06:01Good looking.
06:02Well off.
06:03Successful.
06:04It's tyranny, Mildred.
06:05Narcid Germany is over again.
06:07The rule of the jack book.
06:09Gestapo tactics.
06:10George, they're only putting a parking meter outside the house.
06:14Forty quid a year, just to park outside my own front door.
06:16Well, you could all sell the car.
06:18That'll cover the first year.
06:19Why do we pay our rates?
06:21Tell me that.
06:21Because they keep sending us court orders, George.
06:24I love the usual, please, though.
06:25Yeah, I know why the council are picking on me.
06:27It's because I didn't tip the dustman at Christmas.
06:31Sell it!
06:31That'd be silly.
06:32You'd be mugging after...
06:34Evening, Jim.
06:35If you want to buy a car,
06:36that rattle trap of yours needs to re-spray and four new tyres before they tow it away.
06:41You see, the thing is, Joe, there are two types of men.
06:44The ones you can trust...
06:45And you.
06:45And me.
06:46No, no, and him.
06:48I mean, they're most probably on the coffee now.
06:49You know what happens after the coffee.
06:50Evening, son.
06:51Well, hello.
06:52Hello.
06:53Here.
06:53Do you want to buy a car?
06:55Car?
06:55What, that cream and red Morris of yours?
06:57No, no, it's all cream.
06:58You can touch up the rust.
07:01It goes along very smoothly, that little car, you know.
07:04I know.
07:04I've often seen Mrs. Roper pushing it.
07:06Yeah, well, it doesn't use a lot of petrol.
07:08No, mainly because it keeps breaking down.
07:11You haven't paid for the drinks, George?
07:13Oh, yeah, all right.
07:14Yeah, well, you think it over, son.
07:16OK.
07:17Don't you buy it, love.
07:19Every time you run over a cigarette in, the abcaps fall off.
07:23Actually, I rather like that drop-head Maserati of Ian's.
07:26Oh, Mr. Cross.
07:27Yes, I saw him getting out of it.
07:29Oh, you know him?
07:30Oh, well, just to chat to in Chesco's, you know.
07:32I know his wife better.
07:34His wife?
07:35Could I borrow a quid from next week's allowance, my love?
07:40Excuse me.
07:45Does Chrissie know he's married?
07:47No.
07:49Hmm.
07:50A nice full body.
07:52The wine?
07:53Of course.
07:55Did you tread it yourself?
07:57I meant to, but it would have stained my wellies.
08:00Do you think it's too early to uncork my bottle?
08:04Hmm.
08:05Shall we do it somewhere more comfortable?
08:06The bedroom?
08:07The lounge.
08:08Oh.
08:08I know where there's an abandoned settee.
08:10Oh.
08:15It's crossed my mind, I don't know very much about you, Ian.
08:18There's nothing to know.
08:20Since I left the circus and won the VC, it's just been the dull daily round of advising Dr. Kissinger.
08:24What about you?
08:26Oh, the usual.
08:27Stolen from my pram in the palace by gypsies.
08:29Raised by a she-wolf in Kneesden.
08:31Oh, there's a lot of it about.
08:32I just think we ought to get to know each other better.
08:35I know an incredibly quick way of doing that.
08:38I mean, what are your hopes, your ambitions?
08:41Well, there's, um...
08:42Your other hopes, your other ambitions.
08:44Ah.
08:45I mean, I wouldn't be the first, would I?
08:47Well, you might be.
08:49I mean, were you in Skageness in 1932?
08:53Ah, hello, hello.
08:55Listen, don't mind us, you know, carry on.
08:57We're saying we're not here.
08:58Can you go to the Scrabble Pod?
08:59Great, great.
09:00Look, it's only half past nine.
09:01Yes, I know, but she's got a great word for me she can use.
09:04Yeah, I can think of a few.
09:05Well, you weren't supposed to be back till after midnight.
09:07No.
09:08Right, what's your word?
09:09Yes.
09:10Yes?
09:11Why yes?
09:12No, what?
09:13What?
09:14Yes, what?
09:15W-H-A-T.
09:16Ah, yes.
09:17Oh, right, now it's my turn.
09:20Oh, dear.
09:20What can I do with that?
09:21Have you got two Fs?
09:23No.
09:23Then I'd run out of suggestions.
09:26Now, what are you trying to do?
09:27Well, you see, you have these letters and then you make up a word,
09:30not that.
09:31Chrissie, Chrissie, Chrissie, I think I'd better be running along, eh?
09:35Well, it's been half of a lovely evening.
09:39Are you off?
09:40Yes.
09:50I don't want to hear your explanation, and I'm not going to believe it, but it had better be good.
10:10He's married, Chrissie.
10:11You seriously expect me?
10:14He's what?
10:23Not yet.
10:24My guest hasn't arrived.
10:25Monsieur.
10:30Oh, dear.
10:31Oh, dear.
10:33Sorry.
10:34Oh, what a shame.
10:36It's all right.
10:37These, um...
10:39These things do happen.
10:43Well, er...
10:44How are you?
10:45I'm sorry about last night.
10:47It's just that I'm not much of a scrabble buff.
10:49Pity.
10:50Robin came up with a very interesting word just after you left.
10:52Oh?
10:53Madam.
10:55Do you have a very large custard pie with lots of cream on top?
11:00Er...
11:00We'll order in a minute, please.
11:02In the meantime, can I have a dry sherry, please?
11:04Oh, er...
11:05Two.
11:05Two dry sherrys.
11:06Monsieur.
11:08Afterwards, maybe we could go back to your place.
11:11Er...
11:11Yes, we could.
11:12We could?
11:14Only it's being redecorated.
11:16I thought it might be.
11:18Oh!
11:19Sorry!
11:20Dearie!
11:21Dearie!
11:22It's...
11:23Oh!
11:24It's all right, um...
11:25I was wet anyway.
11:29Er...
11:32Well...
11:35At least there's nothing else that you can knock over me.
11:37Two dry sherrys.
11:40Oh, God.
11:42Er...
11:44Cheers.
11:44What term is it?
11:45Well, it's about...
11:53I'll...
11:53I'll...
11:54I'll have another dry sherry, please.
11:56Mercier.
11:59Er...
11:59Look, look, look, look, Chrissie.
12:01Erm...
12:01I've got rather a difficult question to ask you.
12:04Erm...
12:04Do you know Bournemouth?
12:05Yes.
12:06It wasn't difficult.
12:07Oh, well, that wasn't it, you see.
12:09Erm...
12:09I've got to go down there on a business conference and, erm...
12:12Well, you see, now, I know this may sound like a subtle way of propositioning you, but...
12:15No, it's not very subtle so far.
12:17Ah.
12:17Well, erm...
12:18You see, my secretary's gone down with flu and I do need somebody down there to, you know,
12:23take notes and shorthand and so...
12:24Oh, I don't do shorthand.
12:26Well, they'll all speak very slowly.
12:29Erm...
12:29Now, I know what this sounds like, but... but it will be purely business.
12:32Oh, what a shame.
12:33And we will have separate rooms, of course.
12:35Oh, I'd be frightened to sleep on my own.
12:37You see, I wouldn't dream of...
12:41Pardon?
12:44You see, I've got this night dress.
12:47Yeah.
12:47I've never dared wear it before.
12:49And I thought there might be a chance for you to, er...
12:52give me your opinion.
12:53Whether it's decent.
12:55Well, I...
12:56I...
12:56I mean, I...
12:57I...
12:58It's erm...
12:59I...
13:02Hey, couldn't we have rooms next to each other?
13:05With a connecting door?
13:07Ah...
13:08Well, I...
13:08I didn't want to tell you this before we got down there,
13:10but you see, erm...
13:11as a matter of fact, and...
13:13I mean, coincidentally...
13:14It's...
13:15Marvellous.
13:16There's just one little thing that might spoil it for us.
13:19What's that, darling?
13:20You're married.
13:25I think married men ought to be made to wear a ring.
13:28Ah, well, it wouldn't make any difference.
13:29They could always take it off.
13:30Not if it was through their nose.
13:34Hello, Chrissie. You're back, early.
13:36Hey.
13:36What did he do when you told him you knew he was married?
13:38He went home to change his trousers.
13:40Oh.
13:43It affected him that badly, did it?
13:45But first, he told me something I didn't know.
13:48Yeah, what?
13:49He's divorced.
13:50Huh?
13:51Ha!
13:52Ha!
13:52Ha!
13:54Ha!
13:55Ha!
13:55Ha!
14:07APPLAUSE
14:24Don't you mind about him being married before?
14:26Why should I? I've got a second-hand record player, but it still makes beautiful music.
14:30Yeah, it takes ages to warm up, though.
14:32Well, he doesn't.
14:35Ah, still with us. I thought you might have cut your throat by now.
14:38I tried, but it's a very slow process with an electric razor.
14:42Listen, Chrissie, I know you're mad at me.
14:44Right.
14:44So it was you that lacquered my face, Franl.
14:46Right.
14:47Now, look, I have apologised, I'm sorry, and I swear, cross my heart, I will not knock Ian again.
14:54Good, because I'm going to Bournemouth with him for the weekend.
14:56I lied, I'm going to knock him again.
14:57Oh, it's only a business trip. He needs a secretary.
15:00Oh, come on.
15:02He's after a dirty weekend.
15:04He has promised not to lay a finger on me.
15:06A finger? What about the other nine?
15:08It's got nothing to do with you.
15:10Well, maybe not.
15:11But I'll tell you something, Chrissie.
15:13If you are going to do it, I think you should do it with your eyes open.
15:16Which manual is that in?
15:19Now, listen, I grant you, an elder man, he can be very attractive.
15:23Oh.
15:24I mean, this business nonsense. I mean, you can't believe he really means it.
15:28He does mean business.
15:29Well, exactly.
15:30Look, it's going to be nothing but work, and even if it isn't, that's my affair.
15:34Only, it isn't going to be an affair.
15:35And even if it...
15:36Oh.
15:37Oh.
15:41That'll teach you to interfere.
15:45It's a quarter to three.
15:48There's no one in a place except you and me.
15:53Set them up, Joe.
15:54Jim.
15:56Have one yourself.
15:57Ah.
15:58Do you know, it's a funny thing.
16:00You think you know somebody.
16:02But the fact of the matter is, you don't really know them at all.
16:05Oh, who is it you don't know?
16:06I mean, do I know them?
16:07It's because I can introduce them to you.
16:09It's a waste of time, George.
16:11I mean, it's a complete waste of time.
16:13Back in horses.
16:14And you never win.
16:15I mean, I don't know why you bother.
16:16Hello, love.
16:17I really don't know why you bother at all, George.
16:19I couldn't resist that horse in a 330.
16:21Nagging biddy.
16:22It was an omen.
16:24330, no chance.
16:25I'll tell you what's going to win that.
16:26Once a year.
16:27Huh.
16:27If you're looking for omens, George.
16:29All right.
16:30All right.
16:31All right.
16:33Afternoon, son.
16:35Well.
16:35You've made up your mind about the car yet?
16:37The car?
16:37I don't want to push you, but there are several people interested in it.
16:40Yeah, including the police.
16:43That's right.
16:43It hasn't been taxed for two years.
16:44Yeah, he's quiet.
16:45One day they're going to spot that's a Guinness label.
16:49I'll tell you what.
16:50Have a spin round the block in it.
16:52You might get a bit of a rattle from the choke knob.
16:53Why?
16:54It's in the glove compartment along with the winchery mug.
16:57Oh, George, stop pestering him.
17:00Girl's not with you today.
17:01No, actually, Chris is not on me at the moment.
17:04In fact, you put me right in it last night with that Ian Cross business.
17:08I did?
17:08Yeah.
17:09He was married.
17:11He's now divorced.
17:14Divorced?
17:19Look, what if it's not all business?
17:20What if he expects a bit of, you know, overtime?
17:24I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
17:26Why does everybody always think the worst?
17:27It's more fun that way.
17:30Oh, Lucy.
17:32Listen now.
17:33About Ian.
17:34Look, one more word.
17:35Now, stick this umbrella up your trouser leg and open it.
17:41Now, listen, I was just wondering what time he's picking you up.
17:44Five o'clock.
17:45Great.
17:45Then you've got time to come for a trial run in Roper's car.
17:47What?
17:48Just tell me what you think of it.
17:49But I don't know anything about cars.
17:50Great, that's what I want.
17:51A totally uninformed opinion.
17:52But I...
17:52Listen, if nobody sits in the passenger seat,
17:54the car tilts sideways.
17:55Now, come on.
18:14You can't want to buy this, Rattletrap.
18:16Well, no, no, not really.
18:18It's just that, you know, I just wanted to drive out here.
18:20I heard there was this house for sale.
18:22This is the one.
18:24Shall we, uh, shall we go and have a look?
18:26Hey, is this some sort of proposal?
18:29You must be kidding.
18:30Come on.
18:35You're not thinking of buying this place, are you?
18:37No, no, no, no.
18:38Come on.
18:43Have you gone round the bend?
18:44No.
18:46Ah, er, Mrs Cross?
18:48Yes?
18:48Er, we've come about the house.
18:50I'm afraid we haven't got enough point in trying to anything.
18:52Oh, that's all right.
18:53Do come in.
18:53Thanks very much.
19:01Did the estate agent send you?
19:03No, actually, er, Mrs Roper told us about it.
19:06Oh, Mildred.
19:06Yes, I saw her last week.
19:08Please go through.
19:11Mrs Cross.
19:13Mrs Ian Cross.
19:15That's his wife.
19:22Sorry about the mess.
19:23I was just packing for my husband.
19:25He's off to Bournemouth to do a bit of business.
19:29Bournemouth?
19:29Oh, that's nice.
19:30I mean, I haven't been there myself.
19:32Well, not since I was born.
19:33Oh, well, I mean, my mother went there when she was carrying me.
19:35But I haven't sort of been there myself.
19:38I mean, you know, well, not to see it.
19:41Yes.
19:42It's quite a large place.
19:43My husband redecorated it all himself.
19:47Bournemouth?
19:47No, the house.
19:51You didn't get divorced then?
19:53I know what you mean.
19:54They're terrible to live with when they're doing ceilings.
19:58Anyway, this is the lounge.
20:00Actually, I think we've seen all we need to.
20:02Thanks.
20:02It's not that bad, is it?
20:03No, it's lovely.
20:05And you're lovely too.
20:07Well, I won't be staying.
20:09You haven't seen upstairs.
20:11There's the main bedroom, plus the children's bedroom.
20:14You've got children?
20:15Oh, just the two.
20:18Two children?
20:20Well, two and a bit, actually.
20:22That's why we're moving.
20:23We need a slightly bigger place.
20:25Are you feeling all right, dear?
20:28I'm fine.
20:29Would you like a cup of tea?
20:30I've just made a pot.
20:31Please.
20:36I'm sorry, Chrissie.
20:38But, I mean, would you have believed me if I hadn't brought you round here?
20:41No.
20:41Right, it would have been a quick brolly up the Y-fronts.
20:45That was nearly the other woman.
20:53Hello, darling.
20:55Is my case ready?
20:56Not quite.
20:57There's a young couple here to look at the house.
20:59Really?
21:00Oh, that's absolutely...
21:03Splend...
21:04Splendid.
21:05Here we are.
21:07Oh, this is my husband, Ian.
21:09And this is, uh...
21:11Robin.
21:13Robin.
21:15Chrissie.
21:17Chrissie.
21:19Hello there.
21:21Yes, your wife has just been telling us that you're off to Bournemouth for the weekend.
21:25Ah.
21:27Um.
21:28I usually go with him to take notes, but this time he's got a temporary.
21:32A temporary what?
21:38You know, there's something about your face that's familiar.
21:42Oh, it's probably the nose, you see.
21:44Um.
21:44A lot of people have noses.
21:46Yeah.
21:47Uh.
21:48Like this one.
21:49I've often thought of having it altered.
21:51I might be able to help you there.
21:54Ah.
21:56We had it double glazed last year.
21:59The house, I mean.
22:00Not his.
22:02Do you know each other?
22:04Um.
22:05Well, um.
22:06No.
22:07No.
22:07No.
22:08No.
22:08No, I thought we did, but we don't.
22:11Come on.
22:12Oh, no, I'll see you out.
22:14I'm sorry.
22:15Oh, that's all right.
22:17I'm sure somebody else will be along soon.
22:19Yeah, so am I.
22:20That's why I'm sorry.
22:21Ah, I'll show you out.
22:22Yeah, please.
22:23Yes.
22:24Bye.
22:27Uh, look, look, look, Chrissie, uh, what, what can I say?
22:30I, I, I, I really do appreciate you're not saying anything about, you know, about, about
22:34us.
22:35Oh, mention it.
22:36It's not her fault she's married to a rat.
22:38Ah.
22:39Uh, quite.
22:40One more thing.
22:42Yeah, yes?
22:57Would you like a cup of tea, dear?
23:00Uh, I, I've already had one.
23:05That's it.
23:06That is it.
23:07I'm right off men.
23:08No more men.
23:09I'm finished with a lot of them.
23:11Great.
23:12If you were to just think of me as one of the girls.
23:15Oh, well, this is one good thing.
23:17If I had married him, I'd have had to go through life as Chrissie Cross.
23:20Right.
23:22Oh, men are only interested in one thing.
23:24Yeah, same as us.
23:26Not me.
23:27Not anymore.
23:27Oh, come on, Chrissie.
23:29You mean to say if Steve McQueen knocked on that door now, you'd turn him away?
23:33Yes, I would.
23:40Actually, he's in town at the moment.
23:42Oh, he means to.
23:45I've finished with men.
23:47Oh, yeah?
23:48Yeah, I've, uh, I've just popped up to see how you got on with the car.
23:51The car?
23:51Yeah, I've brought you the logbook.
23:53Only two owners.
23:54Me and the Easy Ride School of Motoring.
23:56I'm actually sorry, we're not really interested now that they're putting litres outside the house.
24:00Oh, you found out about that, did you?
24:02Oh, don't forget to mention the handbrake.
24:03Oh, yeah.
24:04What's the matter with it?
24:05Well, uh, it's a bit scratched, there.
24:08The paint chipped off there.
24:10Yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:34Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:37Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:42Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:43Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:43Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:43Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:44Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:47Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
24:49Oh, yeah, and there's a bit of dent in there.
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